Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 452. Only Me To Blame
Episode Date: July 3, 2025This week we've got missing cars, missing phones, pillow fight head trauma, and The Bezos wedding, and some self-realization. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices...
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RUNK!
Ah, it is.
Congargalations the podcast! Hey guys, what's going on?
It's Congratulations aka KINGARGALATIONS dude.
Could you imagine if I called this podcast KINGARGALATIONS?
That would be... I would, I wouldn't like that.
I whoops.
Well, I didn't even mean to hit that.
I wouldn't like that.
And I, I don't even like that.
I say it to be honest, but I do it.
I do it.
I say it sometimes because just cause and that's fine.
It is fine, but it is episode 452. Why does that keep happening? I don't, I'm not...
It's okay. It's because, okay. So what's happening is I keep trying to... Okay. Dude, it's haunted.
I'm trying to get a new Safari page and I hit the button that makes it happen with the thing and then...
But what I'm trying to do is... Oh wow, this is gonna be not... Okay, let me just get rid of this.
Let me get rid of this here. Let me turn it... Turn off the sound plant here. Let me just completely
get rid of this because this is just gonna be... Oh. Oh good, I can't quit it. Okay good man. Today's been crazy. I'll tell you you ever have one of those days where you're just like
You know what? I mean, it's like where'd the day go and then you realize oh, yeah
Just been stressed
You go where'd the day go and you go go, oh, dude, ha, that's just life.
And so it's one of those days.
Flew back from St. Louis.
Dude, I forgot where I parked the other day.
I parked, I forgot where I parked today.
And it was, I had a lot of things going on today, okay?
And I'm just gonna, I'm gonna tell you about all of them.
But, so don't worry, okay?
I forgot where I parked today
and it was like I became another person.
And by that, I mean, I was still myself.
I still everything, did everything Crystal Leah would do
in Crystal Leah ways.
What I mean is I must have been someone else
because that person didn't park the car.
Dude, it was, I got out of Arowan, okay?
Which I got salmon and rice, that's what I do there.
And I go, I just start walking to the car.
But I'm not thinking, you know?
I mean, God, dude, God bless people
who think all the time, huh?
God bless people who are just like,
huh, here's something I gotta do.
You know, full speed ahead.
I just started walking. Dude, I start going to where I guess I think the car is
and then I look up and I think,
hey, look at all these cars that aren't my car.
And then I say, but I parked here.
And then I really think, right?
Cause sometimes you're just on the surface level
of thinking and you actually got to check in with yourself
and go deep, a little deeper.
So I did that.
I guess people would call it focusing.
So I focused in the parking lot.
I must've looked like such an idiot, dude.
And I go, oh, oh, wait, did I not park here?
And then I say, oh, well, okay, where did I park?
And there's three rows.
There's three rows of parking.
Holy parking one.
So I go, so I think in my head,
well, which one did I do it?
Which one did I do it to?
So I check another one.
It's two down, not there.
So I look at the third one.
I don't go, but I look at the third one. I don't go, but I look at the third one.
And I don't see it.
Yes, dude, I don't see it.
So now I'm like, well, crap, because here's the deal.
It's not in any of these three rows, I think.
And also, I'm very bad at looking for things.
So I used to do this thing, you know when I was a kid I found out I was really bad at looking for things and
Whenever I would go to the fridge my mom would be like get the mayonnaise ketchup, whatever it is
I would have to go to the fridge
I couldn't find it and I would start pointing to objects and I would look at them and say that's not ketchup
That's not ketchup. That's not ketchup. That's not ketchup ketchup and I was like my I got this I'm gonna figure this out I'm gonna get the
ketchup but what I realized is when I do that that's not ketchup that's not
ketchup that's not ketchup that's not ketchup I get to the point where I'm on
autopilot and I'm very often pointing to the ketchup up, glazed over,
saying out loud, that's not catch up,
and just going to the next one.
So I got finding probs, all right?
So that doesn't work.
So I'm like, all right,
am I gonna have to go to each one of these spots
and say, that's not my car, that's not my car.
Imagine seeing me out in the parking lot.
Just is that Crystal Leah?
Just is he a little, what happened to him?
That's not my car.
That's not my car.
That's not my car.
That's not my car.
Pointing at my car saying, that's not my car.
And people are like, that is his car.
He talks about it on the podcast.
Anyway, it's nowhere in the parking lot.
Okay, so now I'm like well, huh me
Because I am me
I drive my car
I'm at the place where I went. So hey me. Where's my car and
Hey, me, where's my car?
And then I really, like, I think I actually sat down a little bit and I go, let's get into the actual
deep focus, let's get into a real deep thinking state.
And I did.
And then I looked down.
I take a sip of my coffee and I love it.
I love my coffee.
It's the, uh, it's, it's one of the better coffee kinds of coffee that I like.
And something hits me.
I hate the Erewhon coffee. I hate the Erewhon
coffee. I don't like it. I've never liked it and I don't go there for coffee.
And I go, wait a minute. Oh, why the fuck am I drinking coffee and where is it from? And that was when I realized
I went and got coffee. I didn't go to Erewhon.
And I did go to Erewhon but after the coffee place. So now I realized that my car
coffee place. So now I realized that my car is in the coffee shop
parking lot, okay?
And I'm just like,
if somebody saw me do all this,
let me actually break it down.
I'm explaining it wrong.
It was actually worse than it is, okay?
I went to
Arowan, eight, then got in my car from Erewhon,
drove to the coffee parking lot, got out, got coffee.
This is even a worst dude. Then when I got out of the coffee place,
I walked to the Erewhon parking lot because I forgot I drove
to the coffee place from Erawan. And now that is just,
I go, Oh, Oh,
I'll for sure have dementia when I get older because have bit of it now,
but it's when that kind of stuff happens in your 45, you go, is this it?
You know, like, is this it? Like I was,
I didn't work out for a week and a half
and my back's just all, oh, it's the end.
We'll start, we'll start.
You know what it's like?
It's like a diner closing up.
It's like 950, it closes at 10, you go in
and they go, yeah, sorry, the kitchen's closed. That's where you are
after 45. You're like, yeah, we're open, but we're closing.
Sorry. We actually, um, yeah, there's 20 minutes left, but we
already, we already cleaned the espresso machine. So if you want
hot coffee, we can do that. That's where your body is after 45.
You're a closing diner.
Closing time, one last call for alcohol.
Yeah, dude, it's just, that's where my body is right now,
sweeping up.
And I'm like, dude, I know I have 40 years left.
So is it just closing time for 40 years?
I mean, I guess that's better than, you know,
the diner getting hit by a fucking car.
Yeah, it's been, and then I just, the stress of life, you
know what I mean?
You know what I mean?
Um, I will be in Indianapolis this week, next week, Irvine, California, Huntsville, Alabama,
Miami, Florida, Houston, Texas.
And then I got a bunch of theater gigs here, Salt Lake City, Boise, Idaho, Houston, Texas. And then I got a bunch of theater gigs here.
Salt Lake City, Boise, Idaho, Pittsburgh, Washington, DC,
Tulsa, Oklahoma, Springfield, Missouri.
I love Springfield, Missouri.
Fort Smith, Arkansas.
Can't imagine my draw is big in Fort Smith, Arkansas,
but we'll see.
Pensacola, Florida, New Orleans.
So go to chrislea.com and get tickets.
There's also the new merch there,
which is the Life Rips, camo stuff,
and there's also other stuff coming up,
some vintage cool stuff that I got.
So go to my website chrislea.com.
And, you know, that's what it is.
I, yeah, my body's just
Like like you go to like I like look dude, I'm I'm a healthy guy like by all means
by all means right like I I
I think about what I eat. I'm not like an asshole about it. I'm not like the guy if people get,
say like let's have a pizza night.
I don't go okay but order me a salad.
Like I'm not a piece of shit.
If you order pizza, meat and pizza.
And I'm also probably gonna eat more than you
because you ain't shit.
Dude, but we went to St. Louis and we stayed with the, uh,
my, you know, our friends, Kristin knows them from college,
but they got a family and then our family stayed with their family.
And, um, they, uh,
the, the, the guy's a chef. So I go, all right, I'm gonna eat whatever I want
because he's gonna make stuff, I'm gonna eat it.
He's a legit chef.
It's like when I'm talking in the car
and I realize then Kristen actually has headphones on
and I'm like, you're getting this shit for free this what I do so right
so I'm not gonna like be a stickler when the guys making I mean the dude for breakfast
you'd wake up and there would be a hash brown egg Oh, dude, you probably like this. Sounds normal.
Oh, dude, it was a sandwich.
Fuck yeah, dude.
And I go, Oh, okay.
So he's going to make it a sandwich and it's going to be deluxe.
So because he's a chef, dude, the guy's got like eight restaurants.
So I go, hey, meet it.
Right. I'm not being the so I go. All right. I mean, and I eat restaurants so I go, hey, meet it, right?
I'm not being the, so I go, all right, I mean, and I eat it, okay?
Also, not only is he just also cooking all the time,
he's ordering from the best places.
He got some Chinese food place, tasted like, I mean, this shit tasted different.
All right, I should know what it is so I could shout them out.
Go to, uh, uh, uh, his restaurant though, salt and smoke.
It's in St. Louis.
So he's got like a bunch of them.
Support the homie.
Um, that's what it's called.
I know I'm now I'm being insecure.
That's what it's called.
Right?
Salt and smoke.
Yeah.
Restaurant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There it is. Barbecue.
So yeah. But anyway, so I, I, I'm like, I'm, you know, I'm going to eat whatever. So he's getting Chinese. He's getting all these places that are like really great. He, you know, he takes us
to a restaurant. That's amazing. And then we have pizza. And I you know, he takes us to a restaurant that's amazing.
And then we have pizza and I'm like,
then I'm looking at him and he's 35.
Okay.
And I'm like, I actually had to ask him, I said,
Hey, yo dude, you just eat like this, huh?
And he was like, yeah.
And I said, you're not like fat.
And he says, I mean, I'm fat.
And I'm like, dude, you're now you're just doing the thing where you're not, you're not like fat. And he says, I mean, I'm fat. And I'm like, dude, you're now you're just doing the thing
where you're not, you're not fat, bro.
Don't do that.
You're not even chubby.
He looks good.
He's a handsome guy.
And I'm like, I know you're 10 years younger than me,
but bro, if I ate like that, it's not even the weight thing.
It's the, oh, uh, I feel,
I feel cancer.
You know what I mean? So, uh,
God bless being young and God bless being able to hold it down like that.
But my gosh, dude, I'm just saying at 45,
it's fucking closing time.
One last call for Chinese food and pizza
and fucking breakfast sandwiches.
What if that was a song?
Sorry, the espresso machine's closed.
That's my fucking body.
When the pizza goes in after the breakfast sandwich knowing I'm
gonna have Chinese food later. Sorry it's closed. Sorry guys we're the espresso machines uh cleaned
already we can't. Just farting everywhere you know just just farting everywhere wondering why
nobody else is farting.
You know?
How come other people aren't farting as much?
And dude, here's the, and then I realized,
because there was one time it was eight or nine of us,
and they're all eating, we're all eating.
You know, he got the best Chinese food and we're eating and and and and I get up to get seconds and
I sit back down and I'm like I actually want more so I kind of get thirds and
then I'm like oh dude these motherfuckers actually aren't actually
holding it down
actually holding it down.
They're not actually about it.
You know what I'm talking about? I mean, dude, I think about this episode
of congratulations all the time.
It was back when I did it in the white room
where we just started doing video.
But it's like when someone's like,
how many servings?
And I literally think, dude,
how much did you make?
This is not, you know,
you're talking about one ice cream sandwich for dessert?
Are you a fucking asshole?
I want all of them.
Hey, how many can I see?
Those are mine.
And now here's the deal.
I eat a lot.
I'm six, two, I'm gonna be a little taller than that.
But it's like, yeah, you're gonna order Chinese food
and fucking, you're gonna beak at it?
Like you're just gonna, you're not about it, dude.
Okay. So if you're going to get this stuff and I'm going to be just absolutely housing it, then, uh,
I die at 65 because of my arteries and you just get to keep on living when what
the fuck dude, we were all eating like that, but oh, you weren't actually about it.
the fuck dude we were all eating like that but oh you weren't actually about it I'm the one up getting thirds and you're sitting here at one moving food
around
and I only got me to blame for my I only got me to blame right yeah see that's
the other thing that's the thing that I, it's only me to blame, right?
Yeah, it's only me to blame. Only me to blame, dude.
Oh God.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
You know?
I sit and I wonder and I think about how
to make things better.
And I'm codependent
I'm fucking codependent And I can't.
Right.
All you want to be happy for the rest of your life.
Well, no, it's like that one.
You never make a pretty woman your life wife, dude, you know that song. Hey,
dude, imagine making a fucking beast, ugly woman, your wife.
Then it all sucks.
What they got different brains, bro.
Oh, you want to be happy for the rest of your life? Never make a woman your wife. From my general point of view, marry a dude to be gay.
Get used to taking it in your ass.
Absolutely touch it to the back of your throat
from my personal point of view.
Fucking, you're gonna be doing lots of doggy style.
I guess you could do missionary,
but it's kind of weird.
Because if you think about it, if you do that,
somebody's penis is flapping all
around oh oh then a lane lane ain't they didn't they didn't they need if you're
doing missionary with a dude then your penis is inside him and his penis is
flapping all around everywhere oh oh then didn't that end then everything
about that nope I do dude fuck yeah! Fuck yeah dude.
We're on and popping dude.
And I'm, you know what?
These fucking podcasts that just everyone has
just to be, it's talking about,
oh dude, so what happened?
Where'd you grow up?
You know, what do you do?
What'd you do this week?
And I'm over here talking to you about how I can't find my car, alright?
How I'm eating and I'm bout it.
And I'm telling you how gay dudes do it missionary style.
And you, you know what I mean?
Like, I know that I'm not, I don't want to get mad at you guys,
because you guys are the listeners,
but the people have audacity to fucking listen
to what's his name?
You know?
Smartless.
You know what I'm saying? Do you understand what I'm saying?
Do you understand what I'm saying?
This is why this is a cult and we are die hard, dude.
And the people that listen to this podcast, I believe in.
Oh, I love it.
And you know what, man, I am in such a, I love it.
And you know what, man?
I am in such a fucking, you know...
So anyway, it's closing time for my body.
But it'll be closing time for a while.
It'll be that restaurant that you drive by and you're just like,
why isn't that out of business yet?
Is it?
And you go, oh no, I think it just,
it always had weird hours.
But make no mistake, when you're having sex
with another man and you're doing it to him, missionary,
his penis has nowhere to be.
You know?
He's like my friend Jeff Gurwood that comes to my parties all the time.
You're like, what do you do?
Who do you talk to someone, dude?
Do something.
Because he just stands, dude.
And I love that dude.
I love that dude.
But I tell him, why do you just stand around?
And he's like, I don't know.
That's what that he's like, I don't know, I don't know.
That's what, that he's basically the penis
that's not getting used when two gay dudes
are fucking missionary.
I'm gonna tell him, dude.
I'm gonna tell him.
Yeah, bro.
Oh, fuck.
I'm sweating this hard. It's already 22 minutes, only 22 minutes in.
It's all good.
But anyway, I went to St. Louis, pulled my back, sitting...
and did the shows at Helium Comedy Club.
Was there all weekend, set it up because, you know,
we stayed with the...
we stayed with our college friends. You know, I, they're my friends too. Now.
I really, I really love them. Uh,
and they got kids the same age as our kids. So it was all great.
You know, um,
there was one day where I woke up
and I go, what's the,
man, those dogs won't stop barking, huh? Assassinate those dogs real quick.
Assassinate those dogs real quick.
Anyway, I woke up, you know, I have shows,
so I go to, I'm amped, I go to sleep,
I get, you know, I have shows, so I go to, I'm amped, I go to sleep, I get, you know,
I get back to their house.
And I stay up watching shit like X-Men Apocalypse,
you know what I mean?
You know?
There's actually nothing like
just turning on X-Men Apocalypse.
Is this like not even the good one.
You know what I mean? It's like not even...
It's like, dude, it's like...
Did you even know Oscar Isaac is in it?
You know, he plays Apocalypse, and you just watch it,
and you just turn it on because it's there,
and then you watch the whole fucking thing, bro.
Because I'm about it dude right those other bitches
that barely eat they would never they would never I'm maximum chill so I'm
why you know I wake up later and I go can't wait to see what my man, what my man cooked for breakfast.
Go downstairs and then I hear, uh, coming down the stairs. Someone's crying. Now there's four kids
in the house. So I'm like, you know, you kind of go like, you kind of go, I hope it's not mine,
but then you're like, well, I don't want it to be theirs either though.
Then you start feeling bad.
Like, did I actually just wish that their kids were hurt?
And then so I go up, Kristen is already with Calvin
and Calvin's like, I think I had a bad idea.
And then Kristen pulls her hand away and it's bleeding.
And she says, where's his blood coming from?
And he's like, I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding.
It's like, I had a bad idea to pillow fight
and I got pushed and I hit the brick wall.
And I'm like, oh my God, dude, are we doing this?
Are we doing this?
This is what we're doing.
Pack it up, let's go.
Cause in my head I go, first of all, I go, I run upstairs.
Cause I'm like, I don't know if the blood's coming
from Calvin or one of the other kids.
And I can't hear the other kids.
So I run up to check on the other kids.
Because I'm like, hey, and I'm calling their names.
One of them's not answering.
I'm like, where are you?
And then she says, I'm here. And I'm like, okay. And I'm calling their names. One of them's not answering. I'm like, where are you? And then she says, I'm here.
And I'm like, OK.
And I run back down, I realize it's Calvin.
He's got a gash in his head.
And our heads bleed a lot. We know this.
It turned out, you know, it's absolutely fine,
I'll tell you that now. But, you know,
it was deep enough to where I was like,
ah, babe, we gotta go, we gotta go to the urgent care at least.
So we went to urgent care.
And Calvin is not, you know, he does not like blood.
I'm not like that, I've never been like that.
He's always been like that.
Whenever he sees blood, he goes, he flips out.
Even if it's from someone else.
So anyway anyway even cartoon
blood you know we watched South Park we shouldn't and and so we go take them to
the ER and they you know they use that glue I thought they were gonna have to
stitch it but they use that glue, that adhesive skin glue, which is great, they didn't have it when I was a kid.
Although I never fucking got stitches, dude, ever.
And so they glued it up,
and we went back, we drove back.
And there's a weird thing, dude, that happens with,
well, I speak for my experience, I guess.
But there's a weird thing that happens with my
body and brain when I deal with this kind of stuff.
I, you know, and I know probably a lot of you guys feel this too as parents.
So I'm not trying to be like, I'm different.
I get you feel a version of this, at least yourself, especially this part.
Oh, you know, when something like that happens, that happens, your kid time stops.
You only want to fix the, to help.
You only want to help fix the problem.
You want to, you know, make sure he's okay.
She's okay.
She's okay, whatever, if a daughter, son or daughter.
So you go, or I go into a mode where I'm like, all right,
what do we have to do to make this better?
How do I take care of you this whole time
until you feel okay?
And I think that's normal if you're a good parent
and there's a lot of good parents out there.
And so I'm in the car, I'm driving,
and I'm like, you know, buddy, it's gonna be all right.
It's okay, it's gonna be all right.
You know, and I pretty much know it's gonna be all right,
but he doesn't know what's going on.
So I'm not necessarily worried about the gash.
I'm worried about his experience, right?
Like I don't want him to get, you know,
I don't want to start hyperventilating.
I don't want him to start.
I don't want it to traumatize him.
I don't want, you know what I mean,
there's a ton of things, right?
So we take them there, they glue them up.
We went to urgent care first.
They said, go to the ER, went to the ER,
we've glued them up, they glue them up.
And then we drive home and, you know,
I had to cut his hair a little bit
and they put the glue on and we drive in home.
It's me and Kristen and him.
And we get home and, you know, it was really, really cute
get home and you know it was really really cute because it is about the daughter thought that it was her fault I guess she pushed him or something I have
no idea they were pillow fighting so it wasn't her fault but like she was like
are you okay Calvin I'm sorry and it was like it was so cute it was so it's like
you know and and he was like yeah I'm okay and he was like, yeah, I'm okay. And he was fine running around after that.
But then I had to like kind of like get ready for my show
because it was hours, you know, it was hours.
I was, you know, but I don't know.
I'm like, I can't believe I was doing that for hours.
And I didn't have a selfish thought at all, you know?
Like I felt like, wow, I really fucking love this kid you
know and and you know and that you know he's five now and it's been like that
but it's like nothing was ever like that before him you know and know? And it's still a very interesting feeling for me,
you know?
Because sometimes I think I'm a sociopath,
and then that stuff happens, and I'm like, I guess I'm not?
Or I guess I could still be.
But so then I'm getting ready for the show,
I'm getting ready for the show and I am like
so overwhelmed with feeling.
And I'm like, feel, I don't even know how to explain it, but it's just like, I'm so fucked up now.
Like, I don't know how to be comfortable. Like, I'm not comfortable
in my body because I feel so bad that that happened to Calvin and I want him to understand
it's okay. And I guess, you know, I don't know, like I was watching this thing last night called the
Kenan Barbie Barbie murders on Hulu and this couple killed people and it was
fucking crazy.
And this, the juror, one of the juror was talking about it, you know, who was on
the, on the case and she started crying when she was talking about it and I was like,
huh, yeah, she's obviously got a lot of empathy
and I was like, I think if I was talking about
a case I saw, I probably wouldn't be crying
because I have no connection with those people
and I go, am I a sociopath?
And then I go, well, I was really upset
that Calvin bonked his head.
So I'm like, I guess it was different levels of it and shit,
but I guess that's kind of empathy.
I don't know, dude. I just like, it almost is...
The feeling is so strong and poignant and not good, you know?
I mean, it's good because you work through it
and you learn it and you learn about it.
And, you know, I'm 45, so I should already know all this stuff. I guess though, you know because
No, it's not it's not you know, it happens when it happens
how you supposed to know how you gonna feel with a kid until you have a kid and
But I don't know man. It's just like I couldn't stop thinking about it
And then I go what what part of this is my OCD?
right Like I couldn't stop thinking about it. And then I go, what, what part of this is my OCD? Right.
Like I can't, my OCD steals my happiness.
Sometimes I'm like having a good time and I'm like, yeah, this is great.
But what if somebody came in with a fucking AR, you know, 16.
And I go, and I started imagining bullets fly and fucking people getting hit and like
weird ways they'd fall and I just go, oh
this is just awful.
I start feeling bad for families I don't even know.
And then I'm like
oh, uh
hey, we're at a play place.
Why can't I just live in that fucking
moment? You know what I'm talking about?
I like dude what kind of cruel fucking joke is a mind
You can't do it's like it's like what the goddamn yin and the yang of it like let me just be happy dude
And maybe that's why I eat so much fucking Chinese food dude cuz I'm really about it because maybe
maybe dumb people can just be fucking happy and eat only a little bit not me With pan fried dumplings.
Um, thank you.
I did my shows, did two shows and I'm on stage and I'm just like fucking, I mean dude.
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Crushing.
And all that feeling is just different, dude.
Oh, I don't think that a comedian is supposed to.
It's just your adrenaline is, dude, some people just wake up
and do things around the house and then watch some shows
or something, go to bed.
And I'm like, but man, I wouldn't give it up, you know?
I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about anymore,
but it's wild and it's great and I just feel way too much
and you know, whatever, he's an empath, what can we say?
I say that to my wife, she gets so mad, she's like,
bro, you're not a fucking empath, you're a lunatic.
And I'm like, what the hell would you know?
You're not in my body, but're a lunatic. And I'm like, what the hell would you know? You're not in my body.
But she's probably right.
Sometimes I do think about that.
I do like, because you know, if you're,
not that I am, but if you're an empath,
whatever, even if that's a thing,
and then you get the shit kicked out of you
when you're a kid, feelings-wise,
you just bury that,
right? So you go, I'm not an empath, fuck everyone, and then you really actually seem
like not an empath. Whatever, dude. Anyway, Calvin hit his head. Oh yeah, but I am, I am codependent.
We're on our way home on the flight and I mean, dude, Kristen was like, I drank too
much.
I need to sleep.
So I was like, I'll take care of the kids.
No problem.
On the plane.
And I did.
And I don't want to say I was bad at it like I was 100% focused on them
and also Billy was acting like a fucking feral like just a lunatic and I'm like
and Kristen's sleeping and I'm like I don't want to wake her up. Is this what this is? What is it like? Like I take care of the kids a lot, but I'm like, I wouldn't know if they've,
is it the plane?
What is it?
They missed a nap.
Billy's just in the bottom of the, the seat hiding like, like it looked,
he looks at Gollum and I'm just like, dude, get out.
And he just goes, no, no, no.
And I'm like, all right.
So then the flight attendant is walking by me.
I'm like trying to hide him because we got to land.
You know what shit like that?
I'm like, yeah, no, we're good.
Where's the baby that was, oh, no, he's with the...
So I put on his seatbelt and Billy's like, no.
And I'm like, of course he doesn't want,
who the fuck a two-year- old wants to be strapped in?
So now I'm watching kids and Calvin's like, I have to go potty.
I'm like, all right, I got to wake her up.
Hey, I got to go take Calvin to the bathroom.
You got to watch Billy because I think he's going to start.
If I leave, he's going to be in the cockpit soon.
So he's going to be the co-pilot.
You got to make sure he doesn't try and storm it.
And so, um, so we're in the bathroom. I go, I put Calvin in the bathroom, he pees, I come back,
and then Kristen is now, it's, I guess it's her job to take care of the kids. And I go, all right,
cool, I guess I'm off the hook a little bit. And I'm sitting and, and within five minutes,
And within five minutes, like I have a little Asian babies
that are just like good and like respectful.
Not that Calvin's not respectful and Billy's too, so how can you be respectful?
But they're just sitting watching.
And I was trying to set them up,
I was trying to set them up with the iPad,
but they didn't give a fuck.
Mom did it and they're just,
and I'm like, and then Chris looks at me,
I'm like, and she's like, they're okay.
I guess, you know, I got the touch.
And I was like, fuck.
She was joking around.
She's like, look what I did.
You suck at it.
And I'm like, I was doing the same fucking thing.
So I'm like, all right, this is just, why am I bad at it?
Cause I genuinely enjoy doing it. It's not like I don't want to be doing it.
I'm not sitting there like fucking, I got to take care of these kids.
I love doing it. I love doing it, but they're just, maybe it's,
they must know me or some shit. I don't know. Whatever. But anyway, we get in the car and we're on the way home.
And I look over to say something to my wife and she has headphones on and I go, fuck,
okay.
Be nice to talk, but okay.
And then I'm like, I won't bring it up.
I won't tell her to take her headphones off.
She's listening to something she wants to.
She's happy and that's cool.
And then I'm like, why are all of these the thoughts that I'm thinking, dude, why
can't I just fucking drive and think about football or something, right?
Like, why am I not just some guy?
And now I'm like, you just got her headphones on.
And now I'm like, I took, I tried to take care of the kids.
I couldn't do it. And then I would get home and I'm like,
and then she hugs me and I'm like, all right, cool. I feel better.
And then I'm like, dude, I'm a bitch.
I'm just letting my feelings be dictated by someone else.
Why am I telling you this? You shouldn know this but now you do for fuck's sake dude
So now like I'm just
Not saying anything I go to bed I
Wake up and then we have couples therapy and then I bring it up
and I'm like what's wrong with up and then we have couples therapy and then I bring it up and I'm like, what's wrong with me?
And then we try to figure out what's wrong with me.
And the whole time I'm like, how come it feels like everything is always my fault?
Wow, dude.
I mean, dude, what the fuck?
I'm so no wonder, bro.
No wonder.
I get why maybe you like this podcast.
I'm starting to understand because it is very silly when I fire on all syllables.
I know it's not.
I know it's cylinders.
Stop.
The people who are casual listeners, this is what I say.
And then I, and then when I get to this stuff, I suppose I'm talking in a way that you really
only get from an interview. Maybe right?
Maybe that's what it is. That's why people listen to interview fuck all that man. I'm a one-stop shop
Here I'll interview me for 500 episodes
And tell you about hell gay guys penises when they're flopping around doing
Missionary almost called it military. That's creepy. Tell me more about that tell you about gay guys penises when they're flopping around doing missionary
almost called it military.
That's creepy tell me more about that.
So yeah so you know it is what it is we're on the way home from the thing and
Billy Christa was trying to clean up under the seat in the plane and and I
show Billy that you know the what do you call them? Uh,
so the coffees don't drip. They put those things in them in the top. You know what I'm talking
about, right? The, in the, in the lid, they put those stoppers and yeah, called stoppers or something
and, um, the stopper that they had had a, was, was long and wooden and had a heart on the end of it.
And I, I found one of the stoppers,
I was like on the ground or something,
and I show Billy while Kristen is under the seat
trying to clean it up, and I say,
"'Billy, look,''
because there's a heart on the top of it,
and I know he knows what a heart is,
and I said, "'Look,' and he says, "'Hot,''
and I go, "'Yeah, that's so cute,'
and he goes, "'Uh, uh,' and he wants it,
and I give it to him, and then he takes it
and starts stabbing Kristen in the back,
just with
the wood he's just going and she's like what and she gets up and I don't stab
mommy and he goes like this me me me he's saying me and he's stabbing
himself in the chest and I'm like bro it was like that scene in Shaft with
fucking Samuel Jackson when Luis Guzman is like you best kill me you best kill
me motherfucker you best kill me you best kill me motherfucker
you best kill me and you're like don't hit yourself that hard you make it get harder for
you to fight afterwards but anyway that was what it was just dude kids are hilarious
he starts stabbing himself dude hey hey hey why are you committing harry carrey on you
dude hey hey hey why are you committing harry carry on you on yourself anyway I wanted to teach Calvin how to swim but I guess I
can't now because I got glue on his head
so that's that
so that's that. So that's that. And you know, otherwise, I'm
getting I'm getting rid of my mic, one of my cars, I'm
getting another car. I'll talk about our next podcast. It
comes Wednesday, I'm excited. And what the fuck happened with the stuff why is my
computer keep doing that come on open oh that's why cuz I put the thing down
Um, Bezos got married. You know what's fucked up is, look, Jeff Bezos doesn't pay his taxes the way he should,
right?
Okay?
And I understand that that's fucked up and he should, right? Okay? And I understand that that's fucked up, and he should, right?
He spent $50 million on this wedding,
which is, okay, that's a lot of money.
And yeah, it's annoying Sidney Sweeney went, you know?
Like, hey, dip shit.
She's not your friend, you know?
This is a 200- 200 person wedding and fucking, you know, the person from euphoria with her tits
all out is there.
Like dude, yeah, I'm a city sweeties talented and cool.
Jeff Bezos is great business owner, whatever the fuck.
This isn't something though that I'm gonna see
and not think, oh, fuck this shit, right?
Okay, now that's fine.
Okay, I get that.
And Lauren Sanchez is his wife now.
And I've seen a lot of,
oh, he's worth 200 billion and this is who he marries?
Or I'm just gonna leave this picture right here. And it happens to be like a not great picture Oh, he's worth 200 billion and this is who he marries?
Or I'm just gonna leave this picture right here and it happens to be like a not great picture
of Lawrence Sanchez.
And I just wanna say, dude,
y'all are fucking stupid, dude, okay?
Because Lawrence Sanchez, if you're acting like,
first of all, if you're acting like you wouldn't smash Lawrence Sanchez, you're acting like, first of all, if you're acting like you wouldn't
Smash Lauren Sanchez, you're a fucking, you're yo dude, take a, she's hot. Okay, period.
I don't care.
How old is she even?
She looks great.
Okay.
Now, did she have work done?
Yes.
Is it arguably too much work?
Yeah, it is.
Is she still smashable?
Yes. All right. Alright now if your argument is
that jump out the window. Alright if your argument is oh he marries this though I understand you know
smashing but he married this and dude you marry because of not just how someone looks.
You marry because of how they make you feel,
how you make them feel,
how well they work in a partnership.
And guess what?
You have no fucking idea how they work as a partner.
So, and as much as I wanna be like, fuck Jeff Bezos,
tell him, keep it too, because he doesn't pay the taxes.
Keep it too, that he paid $50 million for a wedding
when you, I mean, dude,
when people are just on the street like this,
dead, and this dude is just, ah ha ha ha ha, I do,
in Venice with Sydney fucking Sweeney.
I mean, dude, now, you make the money,
spend it how you want.
I am a proponent of that, okay?
I am also very confused with how you have $200 billion.
And look, maybe you are, you're just not paying,
it's not paying your taxes, it's a thing, dude.
Like donating and all that shit, okay? but it's just like so weird, dude.
These dudes like Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos and whoever the fuck.
You know, how much do you pay your employees?
I don't know.
And how much do you pay your employees? I don't know and how much is enough
but I go Spend your money how you want but also why the fuck is it something's got to give dude
I'm annoyed at that. Sydney Sweeney went honestly there. I said it I
Fucking said it
I'm annoyed she went of
Course she went but I'm annoyed she went there can be she went, but I'm annoyed she went.
There can be space for both, as my wife would say.
But it's like, I just don't like when someone,
you know, it's like someone makes it
and then they are just in the thing.
Like, how many of the people,
and this is no knock on him,
but how many of the people around Pedro Pascal don't think he's full of shit.
You know, and maybe he's not, maybe he's not, I'm just giving an example.
You know, he's everywhere is what I'm saying. He's the guy, right? So,
so I just like,
what a wild fucking wacky thing Hollywood is.
And Hollywood, I use that term, broad.
But Lauren Sanchez looked fucking awesome, dude.
Fuck you.
Jeff Bezos is a dweeb though, okay?
But they got married, congratulations to them.
I, you know,
let's see this here. I you know What the fuck is this he's putting a big he's inside a big balloon
Going into his jacuzzi
What a m- what did he think was gonna happen? Who is this? Bro when I see- like you know because I got my Chris Lee live channel up and I go on stream sometimes and I'm like
you know I you know I get some people watching, and it's fine and it's cool, but like, I'm like, this is who, this is it?
This is what it is? Like, I don't understand. I'm the old guy. I've said it before.
Kind of looks like a cool, a dope, though, I'm gonna try it.
Get to Toronto's main venues like Budweiser Stage
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On July 18th, it's the Blue Crew to the rescue.
It's the Murphy time.
Hefty.
Can you even lift, bro?
Grouchy. I hate the radio. Quiet. There's something important to tell you. I's smurfing time! Hefty. Can you even lift, bro? Glouchy.
I hate the radio.
Quiet.
There's something important to tell you.
I have no idea what he just said.
And smurf-esque.
That's how it's done, boys!
Smurfs.
Only in theaters July 18th.
Oh, dude.
Is this guy's back?
The feminine him is a problem guy
Oh, yeah, yeah at the end is amazing or in the middle is amazing
S-not music
Talking Unhealthy food, I'll fire people angry and belligerent Talking Despite the backlash, promotion of family values are the limit Wait, despite the backlash?
Dude, when you're listening to a song, you shouldn't be like this
That's my problem with conscious hip-hop
It's like, dude, hey yeah, alright, I get it
But also, make me bop my fucking head, dude
Uh, uh, guy with a green beret a hat on you know what i
mean like it's so it's so annoying what those guys wear what's the buzz that i hear do you hear it
oh yeah headphones um Um
What is this
Well the echo the fucking echo the reverb on it. Like he deserves that for the song.
This guy is just the boring guy at the party.
And singing it, making it worse.
Protect the women and children.
Oh, from gayness.
Protect the women and children from gayness. Protect the women and children from gayness.
Gay propaganda.
I guess, I guess that's the, um, the hook.
Gay propaganda became
abundant
of course he's in army fatigues
you know?
does a guy who talks like this
not own a
you guys in the cipher
who rap conscious rap they all have army
fatigues on you know?
it's so obnoxious
dude i remember i was at a Busta fucking Rhymes concert and
I was 19 and the person next to me in the pit of the concert, like the concert goer, army fatigues and she yes she was just someone who bought a ticket and I'm
like huh hey toots where's the war Because that is just like...
Oh man, this is terrible.
Gay propaganda is hilarious.
You know what, to be honest,
this song is way worse than the other one.
The other one, at least you can kind of sing it.
You can't sing this one.
My uncle always said,
hip-hop was the only music you can't hum and I'm like it's kind of fucking right there. Fuck me up. I try to hum uh pimp from 50 Cent. Go try do it.
No dude you can't do it. You can hum other music, but not hip hop.
How do you want it to buck? See? No, you can't. Um, so anyway, you know know what guys? I'm done.
I really appreciate you listening.
Uh... and thank you very much.
Go get tickets. Chrisley.com will be in Indianapolis next.
Uh...
And I...
I appreciate you. Thanks. You fucking fuck, you bitch!