Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 453. Look Who's Stalking

Episode Date: July 10, 2025

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Welcome to that new episode 453 of congratulations. Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Uh, it is congratulations. I will be in Indianapolis this week, in Irvine, California, and then Huntsville, Alabama, and

Miami, Florida, and Houston, Texas. Go to chrislea.com, get tickets. I got Salt Lake Boise, Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh, not my market. All good. I don't know why they don't, they don't, you know what I mean? They don't, uh, this is not my market, dude. And it's okay. But it's not my market, but it's okay.

I put on this shirt this morning. Cause I go, cause I think I'm going to wear a white t-shirt and I'm going to change it by the podcast. Did any yes, dude, because I, it by the podcast didn't a yes, dude because I You know what dude didn't want to and that's fine. You could argue that this podcast is going to be out on In Anyone could access it at any point in

the future in in history, in whatever, and see me and I go like this but I'm lazy. So I have a white t-shirt on and that's it. Remember that song? Am I white tee? Yup, am I white tee? Yup. Everyone confirming dude. Yup. Wow, remember that shit? I am the kind of guy to put Project Pat on my let's listen soon list or whatever they have on Apple Music because I do Apple music because I don't do Spotify. Okay. And for no reason really. And I'm the kind of guy that put Project Pat on my Apple thing weeks ago and haven't even listened to Project Pat or Apple music at all,

but it's still up next. And I think about it a lot. And that's just the kind of brain I got, dude. That's just the brain I got. That's just the way I am. It's on Facebook. So I am chilling. The reason why I have a white shirt on, another reason. There's two reasons, dude.

There's two freaking reasons for you, okay? There's two reasons. I went to traffic court today and I needed an undershirt because here's the deal, dude. I get too many texting tickets. Texting tickets. Texting and driving. Oh, just three or four. I can't remember, honestly. I live here, okay? And this is where they get you. Because in Hollywood, you could, everyone's murdering each other, right? And fighting, and there's protests,

so you can just text and drive, you know what I mean? But here, near Agoura Hills, Westlake, Calabasas, Thousand Oaks, you can't put your thumb on your phone when there's a steering wheel in front of it. And, uh, I got a bunch and I go, all right, I'm gonna wear a button down. I'm gonna wear a button down because I don't want to be trash in the courtroom. But I go like this, still wearing. This is what I do when I work hackies. Yes. I admitted I work hackies. Okay. I, I basically, I was like,

I'm not going to let the court system change me, but they did kind of because they changed my clothes, but they didn't though, because there was still my clothes, right? Now, did I want to wake up and wear shorts and a shirt? Yeah, I did. But I didn't wear it to court because I let the court system change me, but not really change me because they were technically my clothes, weren't they? Right? Yeah. I changed my clothes. The court system could change my clothes, but they can't change me. Right? Society can change my clothes. They't they? Yeah, I changed my clothes. The questions could change my clothes,

but they can't change me. Society can change my clothes, they can't change me. So I get there and I go, where is it? The night before and I look and I gotta go to friggin' Silmar. Now everybody here doesn't know where that is and that's fine.

And let me explain it to you. Because I don't live near Silmar. Now everybody here doesn't know where that is and that's fine and let me explain it to you okay because I don't live near Silmar so why do I have to go there and you know what the answer is to that I don't know I don't know I won't look it up I won't try to change it I'll just go to that courthouse you know it's like at some point I will delay the physical energy and exertion. I will let the mental, the mental exertion will take a backseat to my physical exertion if I know the physical exertion

is in the future. He said it! Dude, because I just knew I was gonna go too far. I knew it was gonna be a far way. And I wasn't gonna change it because that's too much mental exertion. And I didn't wanna do mental exertion. And I was like, I'll do physical exertion in a month

when the courthouse goes, I don't care. I'll wake up early, I don't care. So I did that. I put on the clothes and I went to clear this ticket up because I had to do it because I Got too many texting tickets and I couldn't just pay him and that's fine. So I went And I went dressed up nice dude nice for me. Well, not nice but nice Ish compared to a lot of people they are nice. So you got to go

And it was I woke up at 6 because I'm like, gotta get there at 8.30 a.m. And one thing I don't do, and I don't do it, I really don't. I don't arrive late, okay? And you could thank my dad for that. You could thank his dad for that. I don't know whose dad did it first for them, but it's a D'Lea thing, all right? Now, have I been late to golden hour a few times?

Yes, that doesn't count. Okay. But I'm talking about real shit. Have I been late to anything like that? No, never. Now, why am I saying that? And why is that something that I'm expressing to you so specifically right now?

Because let's just put it, let's just lay it out there. All right.'s just lay it out there. Let's lay it out there. To tell a group of people who are listening to you, and tens of thousands, a hundred thousand, I don't know how many people listen to this, but I know I'm gonna view it. It's a lot of people. All right I'm I'm to simply tell you gathered around that I don't I'm I don't go anywhere late And that's boring on its face. Okay, but the reason why I'm telling you this okay is because I know Women listen some women listen to this podcast and women They're late. And I know that because of having a wife, okay?

I'm never late, dude. We go to dinner before I even get to the court. We go to dinner with friends at eight. Eight is the reservation. We leave too late. We get there, 8.15. We have to park just to finish our makeup. She gets out, forgets her earnings. We go back into the car. By the time we get into the restaurant, it's eight thirty. And I say, babe. And she says, yeah, but I make you look good. And I say, yeah, but you make me look late.

And you, we don't show up and and you say, oh, I am sorry. I am late. We are late because of me we go. Oh fuck We're late But take away mo No, but don't I'll just be late and we were your friends anyway, I don't give a fuck dude I do care. But anyway, I'm not gonna be late to court dude. So I drive, I leave at 625. Cause do you know why?

Because I don't know where Sylmar is. And I don't know how long it takes to get there. And yeah, I asked chat GPT the night before and I Googled it the morning of, and it said not two hours but I go how do I know I know I'll get there on time if I leave early and I don't wake up but I did it I get up and I drive I go to coffee bean first I took the coffee bean to coffee bean brown on brown Denzel angry DMV with the

fat ass over the coffee bean if you know what I'm talking about praise be if you don't it's fine I Get the coffee bean go to silmar and I'm there an hour and a half early for the slap and dude I Get there so early that I line up to get into the courthouse like It's a supreme drop. Okay? Like the judge is giving out supreme robes. Okay? That you still gotta buy for $400. And so the guy comes out, the bailiff dude, or what? I don't know. Is every sheriff in there a bailiff? Or is a sheriff a bailiff?

A bailiff sheriff is like a... Rectangles, squares, squares, rectangle. I don't know. Is bailiff a job or are they just basically cops where they're like, oh dude, you're going to be in the fucking bailiff. You're a bailiff for today. And they go, ah, fuck.

I can't shoot anybody. Well, you can if they act up. But no, you're bailiff guy today. I can't like bailiff job probably sucks because you just got to be so respectful. All eyes are on you sometimes in the court and you got to wear that outfit dude, the sheriff's outfit and you're just like all rise or you say stay seated or like it's just like bullshit also you know are you a cop you're a cop you're a sheriff like anyway so i get there i get in the guy comes out well before he comes out and he's like all right so here's how it's gonna go

you're gonna go in if you're in a traffic court if you're here for a misdemeanor if you're here for any more of a fraction you go this way you're in a traffic core, if you're here for a misdemeanor, if you're here for any more of a fraction, you go this way, you go there. And I go, oh, there's people here that like have like done serious shit. Oh, I just fucking used my thumbs in front of a steering wheel. It's like, you're gonna want to check in on the right. If you're gonna, you're gonna see your name on the board, you're gonna go there, and then you go back and then go out. So I go, one of my things is I don't ask questions, bro. I don't ask questions. I don't listen. I figure it out.

And you know what the crazy thing is? I don't. But it takes too long, right? And I don't know. And honestly, that's one of the reasons why I have a wife and people around me, they go, where's the thing? And I? And I don't know. And honestly, that's one of the reasons why I have a wife and people around me. They go, where's the thing? And I go, I don't know.

And they said, did you look for it? And I was like, kinda. And then they find it, right? That's like my whole shit. Oh, dude, how do you do the thing with that? Oh, did you try it? I tried looking around on it. Oh, and then they do it.

And I go, thanks. That's my whole shit. That's dad's shit. I know a lot of dads fix shit. A lot of dads do it and I go thanks that's my whole shit that's that shit I know I know a lot of dads fix shit a lot of that do stuff I'm nah bro I'm the whole I tried a little bit but can you log in and they do it and then I go thanks ah that was the thing that I wasn't doing there was a code okay and so I go in I go to the wrong place and I check in and I check in again, which I don't have to, and then I got to go and I wait and I'm outside with like

25 people waiting to get in and I'm, I'm, I'm dressed. Okay. You know, I mean, there's people there in like way too baggy pants and shirts that like a chef would wear on his day off, you can always tell who's a chef, right? You know, just like, you can always tell who's a chef, just the way they move, chefs are sexy. I'll admit it. Male chefs are sexy, I'll admit it, there, I did it.

You know, race car drivers are sexy, there, I did it. Okay, so car drivers are sexy there I did it okay so what do you want to do to me? You know so race car driver chef sex is kind of what makes it drip and you know it's just like makes it drip. And, you know, it's just like, I get there to the thing and they go, I don't know, I look at the door and it says, and everyone's waiting outside and I see everyone's waiting outside and I go, shit. Do I go in or not? And then I don't know. And then I go, I think, oh, well, I'm just kind of waiting out here because everyone's waiting out here. Maybe nobody, it's like that thing where 911,

you call, no one, hey, did you call 911? Like some guy fainted outside the Air One the other day and I rolled up and there was a crowd around him. Nobody was on the phone and I said, did anyone call 911 yet? And they said, yeah, we're doing it right now. We're on the phone with them. And I go, okay.

And I went inside and got some fucking chicken because what the hell am I gonna do? And I don't feel, so here's the thing. I feel bad when somebody falls down outside on a patio and I will call 911, but if somebody else did it and already and is doing it, you know, and there's already like two people kind of around like, you know, everyone just kind of like when someone faints or has a seizure, they just want to go down one knee and they go,

like that's all they do. I'm not gonna be one of those guys. I would have helped the guy, but it was too crowded. Also, here's the other thing too. If you faint or fall down or have a seizure in public, think about when you come to. You want like people in your fucking face? Nah, dude, that's me if I had a seizure. Nah, when I wake up, hey dude, I get you wanna help, back the fuck up.

Did somebody call 911 by the way? Or you guys are just looking at me close. Oh, so you don't care if I die. You want to see it up close. Got it. Um, so yeah, but it's like that thing. So I'm there and I'm like, am I just standing outside because I'm a piece of shit?

And so I go into the courtroom and it's, there's a, there's another door, dude, you know, places with two doors fuck off have one goddamn door Right have two doors, but ones at one place and the other ones on the other side Like where the fuck are we Philadelphia in December? You don't need two doors, right? That's that's It's an overabundance right and so I look and it says the real door says 830 it opens I look it's a 20 okay so I go alright I'll wait I wait then the fucking bailiff comes out all right you guys court is open comes to have a seat he sounds like this dude that's just like gonna, I don't know, I don't care and

I don't want to fucking make an analogy. But he's just like, come have a seat if you speak Spanish, you need a translator, you're gonna go first, you sit the first two rows, if you need a people on Zoom, get their lawyer on Zoom, you get the lawyer. And I'm like, are you gonna do this on Zoom, dude? Why'd I wake up? But I didn't, I didn't know about it. And I go, because I, because, are you could do this on the zoom dude? Why'd I wake up? But I didn't I didn't know about it and I go because I because because I Wanted the physical exertion to be the thing I did not the mental exertion early So I'm there and if I go in I sit down and I got my fucking Papers dude, cuz you always got to bring papers to places like this fucking papers dude because you always got to bring papers to places like this and

You know what's on the papers? I don't know but my assistant gave me these papers and they and and she says here bring this And I say okay You know and I go and I sit there with papers with my khakis fucking on And I'm sitting there and I the bailiff comes up to me and he says hey can I talk to you for a second and I go it was a good run oh it's on there right. It's done. All good. I got too many texting tickets. I got to go to jail.

Bro, if a police officer bailiff says, can I talk to you for a second in court? You're fucked. You know what I'm talking about? What do we have to talk about? It's not good. Did I wear the wrong... Is it because I have on Reeboks? These are my nice shoes. They're the classic Reeboks.

I don't know what you want from me. I couldn't wear the fucking... The Balenciaga's that look like not... They look like A6. Do you understand? They're dirty on purpose. Do you understand? They're dirty on purpose. Do you understand? So this is kind of talk to you for a second out here and we go into the Area where the two doors are and I go This is why they have two doors in case the bailiff needs to fucking talk to you and court is going on

She says hey man. I recognize you and I say in my head. I'm like, oh Hey man, I recognize you. And I said, in my head I'm like, oh. And I'm like, is it, you know, like a stand up thing or from texting too much while I'm driving? He's like, you're doing comedy, yeah? I said, yeah. And he said, I put you on the priority list, you're gonna go first. I felt bad.

Felt bad for all the people, the 24 other people. But I go like this. Hey, thank you very much. Sorry, officer. And I look at his thing and I said this thing and I don't want to dox him. But I don't want to say thanks I didn't I don't deserve that you know I'm there were maybe people there that there were people there that were driving without license and shit and like doing you know but I went up to the thing and you know and I felt bad but but

but but no all the people with the translators went first and the zoom people went first so I didn't really go first first I went first on the people basically the translators went first and the Zoom people went first. So I didn't really go first first. I went first on the people, basically the white people first. I go first. And I get there and the judge was in a good mood and she reduced my ticket. Fuck yeah dude. And she said, you got a tint ticket too.

You were supposed to untint your car, a fix it ticket. And I go, oh. And she says, did you? And I don't even have that car anymore. And I go, oh. And she says, did you? And I don't even have that car anymore. So I said, oh, I actually don't have that. Your Honor, I actually don't have that. Dude, imagine me in there. I said, Your Honor, I actually don't even have that car

anymore, so I wasn't able to fix it, but I don't have it anymore. And she says, do you have proof? And I go, well, where is it? I don't see the car. What am I supposed to do? I don't know where. Who has it now?

And she says, well, did you sell the car or did you put it back to the, and I go, I said, I traded it in. She said, for what? And I said, well, I traded it in a while ago and then I just used a different car. And then I, and now we're just sitting here talking about cars.

And I'm like, how do I not go to jail here? I'm looking at the bailiff, like, I hope you're, I hope you're still, oh, it's okay that I went first. And she says, do you still live here? On the drivers as I go, Oh, fuck no. She says, well, you have to change your address. I said, okay. She said, you can do it here. The bailiff will give you the thing. And I go, I got fucked the bailiff again. But she says, you'll fill out the paperwork. You got to update your address. And you also, uh,

you also, um, I'm going to trust you that you, that, that, that you don't have the car anymore. And I go, I'm, I think, man, I could have just fucking, if you have a tint, a window fix it, you could just say, I don't have that car anymore Because then she was like, oh well, this is a really short You only got the car in 2022 and I was like I did I had it for four years and she's like What's only 2025? Yeah. Okay. Maybe it's three years and then I'm sweating, you know I was like look, I really did leave the car, you know, okay

Fuck that cop that cop was like you look, I really did leave the car, you know, and she said, okay. Fuck that cop, that cop was like, you gotta fix a ticket, they're gonna give it to you. They're gonna, they're gonna, even I said, I'm gonna turn the car in, he said, you gotta do it anyway. Okay, okay dude. Yeah, I'll do that dude. Stop the cab.

What if I was there and I hit that? So then, you know got I got the thing reduced and I went out fucking thing and I'm all good, dude And I was like, I just like fucking free free I got two more tickets though that I got to deal with I don't know when that's gonna happen But so I've been texting a lot. I like a lot to say And then my wife's like don't do. You jeopardize your life in danger. And I go, okay. And then I leave the house and four minutes later,

once she knows I'm still damn well on the road, she texts me something. So I'm like, all right, well, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? I was doing streaming and it's fun. I'm trying to get that. I just want to be a streamer, bro. I was saying this on the stream.

Like, if you're not, okay. What are comedians doing? Just go on Twitch, build a following. This way, every time you talk, you have an audience and you're making money. Dude, if you are a comedian, just go do that. You know, it's annoying sometimes you don't want to do it, but it's just like, you know, Eric Griffin is like, I made $8 yesterday. I go, Oh fuck, sign me up. If you could make eight, I can make 11.

So I'm on Twitch. Crystal Lee alive is over there. My kids keep coming on during the stream and it's like, all right, you know, God, they're so cute. Billy is two now and he goes, he really fucks with me, dude. Like he knows what he's doing. It's so crazy. He'll say the other night I was like, go to sleep, lay down and he laid on it.

I said, now close your eyes. And he would sit up and close his eyes. And I said, no, lay down. No, close your eyes. When you lay down, lay down and you go lay down as a good close rise and he'd sit back up and close his eyes. God, I love that motherfucker. Dude. It's so weird to absolutely love

Something like that Wow, which is another reason why I wanted to twitch because I don't want to go fucking anywhere But I will be in Indianapolis coming up this weekend Miami and all that stuff and all that shit coming up this weekend, Miami and all that stuff and all that shit. Yeah. I watched Squid Game, season three, which is kind of like season two and a half, you know, because it came out just a few months afterwards. It's amazing how much, when a season is over, I just don't give a fuck about

waiting for another season. I'll just watch, um, I'll watch it when it's all done or or or I give up, months in between fucking squid games? No, no. Um, I'll just watch something else and get hooked on that. You got some fucking nerve seasons. You got some nerve. Do you know? Mad Men has seven seasons. I'll just rip through that. You think I wanna watch Squid Game after I watch Squid Game and then Mad Men?

You're out of your mind, but I did. And I saw, this is how it goes, dude. I'm gonna rank the seasons of Squid Game. It goes like this. Number one, season two. Then... One and three are tied for a second. There you have it, dude.

I don't give a fuck. I'm not explaining it. Season one was fine. It was good. and then everyone's relax but season two was great season three was too much because I will tell you this much you don't need to keep raising the stakes I get it there's a baby now in it a baby a squid games a baby Can't do shit All right. Now, I don't want to ruin it for you but there's a baby in it, okay, and

That's too much the second the baby came out. I'm like I'm like, it better lose, you know? It better fucking lose, it's wrapped up. How's it gonna play the games? You know? Baby just on a tight rope, just trying to walk, you know, so it doesn't fall. Anyway, it's too much and, you know I watched it though so I did it I can't believe this is real the disclaimer on rush hour on what streaming service is

this do you know I saw this is on Netflix no this is on US this says USA here but I did see this on the online before this though. We all love our 90s comedy comedies. Look what they're doing on Rush Hour. But this movie was created in a different time. Although, yeah, but like it was 30 years ago. Was it even? Yeah, it was 30 years ago. Was it even? Yeah, it was 30 years ago.

FYI, it says, certain depictions, language, and humor may seem outdated and at times offensive. It's so annoying when things do this, because like I was listening to a podcast. I'm listening. Dude, I turn on. OK, so I listen to this podcast, Casefile, right? Casefile, that's how the guy says that he's Australian

and I like it and it's nostalgic for me because it reminds me of when I was back in Australia. And so I listened to it and I didn't know that Casefile has a whole Casefile network. And I go, once I figured that out, I go, Summer's done. Once I figured that out I go. Summer's done. More, more, more figuring out who killed the, the, the, the girl. More figuring out who killed the wife.

You know what I mean? Let's, I'm in. Case file. What I can understand is, I did a live show on case file and what they didn't, I found out so many people didn't know that we had a Casefile network so we released a Casefile episode we're releasing Casefile other shows on the on the feed here for the first episode because you know because we didn't realize because I had a thought when I was on stage this is what he was saying in front of the thing um if if we if our

fan base was rabid enough to come to the place to see a live show but didn't know about them the the case file network then that was on us and we weren't getting the word out there to the fans enough and I'm like dude this guy's treating it like it's a fucking investigation bro hey guy why is everybody explaining something too much I don't need disclaimers okay whoops I saw it okay whoops I saw it you know Whoops! I saw it. You know?

Trauma! I have that now. Oops! You know? Whoops! Hey, no, I'm pissed off. Why? Saw rush hour. Oh, okay. Anyway, gonna go get a sandwich. Whoops! I have it. I have that trauma now.

I'm triggered. Whoops! Does trauma exist? Does being triggered exist? If yes, whoops. You understand? I don't give a fuck because Chris Tucker is doing an Asian accent.

You know what I mean? It's like USA doesn't have to tell me it was a different time. I know it was a different time, dude. Hey, Attila the Hun. Hey. You know? Hey, you know, old Grecian guys that used to fuck, you know, boys, you know, because they thought that was giving, uh, welcoming them to manhood. Hey, that was a different time.

Okay. different time okay Chris Tucker going ching chong ching chong ah you know what I mean let me go get a sandwich oh dude is Attila the Hun the guy that went and took over all the fucking, now who's the one, who's the one I'm thinking of? Genghis Khan, dude. Genghis Khan just going fucking burning villages, you know, our warden wives, taking people, inseminate, insemination, birthing families all over the place. That was a different time, okay?

families all over the place. That was a different time, okay? You don't have to tell me it's a different time. You don't have to tell me it's a different time when I turned on Hulu. Hey! Am I gonna get, here, here's what I need to disclaimer. If by watching this show, it means I'm going to get beheaded. Hey, just want to let you know you're streaming the commission. What

might happen is a gang of ninjas break into your house and slice off your noggin. Enjoy Michael Chiklis. And you go, ah, maybe I won't watch this. I don't give a fuck if Chris Tucker goes ching chong, okay? And if you care, And if you care, ups, trauma, you saw, whoops, you saw it. There's no disclaimers when you're just out there living life. It just, you could, cause once you start the disclaimers, you get to a point where it's like,

it's just a slippery slope and pretty soon you're going to get a fucking ham sandwich. You're going to be like, disclaimer on like it's just a slippery slope and pretty soon you're gonna get a fucking ham sandwich you're gonna be like disclaimer on this could give you a tummy ache you go to the coffee bean you go to Starbucks disclaimer just so you know this we use things this could you could get cancer dude they just there was always like the disclaimer is like could give you cancer dude just we cancers around? Everybody just gets it. People don't want to get sued is the thing.

I bet you could find a reason to sue someone because of a disclaimer and that that is going to, is going to be the pinnacle. What the fuck? Why does that happen, dude? Cause it's heavy. Um,, there was a disclaimer. Fuck disclaimers, dude. I was watching some watch Case Files and I'm watching the new show from Case Files and it's not the guy who took so long. It's, well I guess it's British, but it's another lady that's Australian and she's talking and she's like if if at any moment

If at any moment in case vile presents on this show You feel triggered as resources on a website, dude like This is a podcast About people getting slain and left in a forest people getting slain and left in a forest. If I say, Oh wow, fuck this podcast in any, for any shape or form. Yeah. It deals with, Oh, it's deals with sensitive topics. No shit. It's not blippy. Okay. It's not Ms. Rachel. It's, it's not Blippi. Okay? It's not Miss Rachel, it's Dateline.

So I don't like disclaimers. Fuck your disclaimer, okay? Rush Hour, it's a comedy. There should never be a disclaimer on a comedy or a podcast about slaying people. be a disclaimer on a comedy or a podcast about slaying people? Baseball. You're tuning in now. There's a disclaimer that you might see. I mean, I don't even know, you know, but it's just too much, guys.

And, you know, it's fine, and I understand that, uh, Genghis Khan... also known as... seriously? Genghis Khan? I mean, just fucking Pauly Shore named him. Hey, Genghis! (*CLICKING*) Where's my wife? (*CHUCKLES*) Yes. Where's my wife?

Was the founder, hey Chingus. It's Dewezo, where's my house? What's that big burnt empty spot? Where's my family? Was the founder and the first Khan of the Mongol Empire. Bro, it's so dope to create an empire and be the first of something. And that's what I am. without even leaving the kiddie pool. Whatever groceries your summer calls for, Instacart has you covered. Download the Instacart app and enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees, exclusions, and terms apply.

Instacart, groceries that over-deliver. Genghis. Dude! this. Great. How about this lady who was drunk as a newscaster? And how about how this lady is who I want to give me my news. Okay. They, she was suspended for doing a live broadcast drunk. Hey dude, never suspend someone for doing the live news drunk. Okay?

You're not operating heavy machinery. You're not in charge of anyone's lives. You're here on the news telling us what's happening. And finally, finally, it's enjoyable. Okay? Finally, finally, it's enjoyable. Okay? They suspended her. Good afternoon.

Like I was telling you this morning, if you watched this this morning, starting at six a.m., seven a.m., I told you, you know what, today. Dude, she's so loose with it. I love that. What a beautiful day outside. It is just amazing.

And so moving on tonight is we have to tell you also, you know, like it's happening in the. I'll tell you, you know, other news that's happening. So anyway, I am on my period. So he can't see us on news, right? I am fine, who cares? I told my husband and it's all good. Could you imagine if she said that? Dude, hey, whatever news, K-Cal, I'm in.

And across the area, the nation. Oh. Let me tell you about this. A four-year-old girl is actually dead. Another- Oh, dude. Let me tell you about this. A four-year-old girl is actually dead.

Finally. Finally, we can watch the news and not only feel bad, you know, it's terrible. Hey, uh, you know, Hoda, liquor up right? Or whoever the fuck does the, I don't even know news anchors. Into life, and we are just lucky. This weekend, right here, is so amazing.

Meteorologist Craig Adams is right here with you. That's great, Craig Adams is just on fucking Coke. And of course, just like me, meteor just Craig Gold is working a double shift and so He's in and we've been we've been tracking this All right, you know tonight some more Saturday baseball the New York Mets back in action in New York series against the National League Rival Miami Marlins, you know how much we love them, you know the Mets Dude, let me tell you something about this. This is hot take.

For how drunk she is, she's fucking handling this. And you know it. This woman needs to be promoted to be able to do this like this and handle it the way she's handling it. Dude. This woman's a hero and baseball okay also why are they hello good afternoon like i was telling you letting her go dude. She got to the baseball You know, hey dude, uh

You want to suspend her right around the time she said a four-year-old is actually dead Morning if you watch this this morning starting at 6 a.m. 7 a.m I told you you know what today what a beautiful day outside it is dude beautiful amazing this woman rocks she's that's it that's my news person that's my go-to news source I'd rather say that than the fucking liars at CNN I'd rather say that than the fucking liars at the you know and I don't even want to be like that, but it's true. They do lie. Dude, there is in 2017. This is great.

Now talk about news in 2017 guys. 40 year old. This is crazy. You know, I don't use this a lot. I know that the kids are saying this and this is like a new thing to say. No, it's not even new anymore, but like this is, and I'm gonna say it.

I'm gonna, this is the only time I'm ever gonna use this slang, but this is crazy work. Okay? In 2017, 40 year old James Mack got 37 plastic surgeries and got his name changed to Jason Monroe just to date his ex-girlfriend again after she filed a restraining order. Bro? It's these kinds of people, like the drunk newscaster and this guy who got 37 plastic surgeries to try to date the same woman who hates him.

That advance the world. Also how dope is that? I should do that and then just be British or no fuck that Japanese. Yes. But not in, I guess not speak Japanese. I guess I could learn Japanese. If I learned Japanese, I could do it. People would never know I was Chris Lee though.

I mean, he knows Japanese dude, not Chris Lee. It does look like me, he's fucking tall. But dude, this dude, look at this dude and he looks different. But what about how, I want to, want it here look here's the here's the After so he underwent 37 plastic arteries to complete change his appearance he also legally changed name to Jason Monroe Which is the most? said changed your name name

Jace Jason Monroe Really? Yeah fucking It's fucking awesome. Huh? Um, brick hardcock. That's your name? Yeah. Isn't that cool? Yeah. You just all fucking. Hey, brick hardcock. You bleach blonde hair. Rick Hardcock, you bleach blonde hair. In an obsessive attempt to bypass the restraining order and get close to her again without being recognized, this is this guy. Cause there's a thing, if you're that crazy,

you know what I mean? It's a cheat code, right? Up up down down left right left right B A select start for your face. Do you know what I'm saying? The guy bought the 999 package when he ran out of moves on Royal match for his face. You understand? Okay, he's not paying his taxes like Jeff Bezos. taxes like Jeff Bezos and his workers minimum wage

for his face, okay? It's a cheat code. So let's not shame him. Let's not shame him at all. Let's hope for the best. Let's hope that he get, it's like that movie, fall in love all over again. Like a movie, it's the same guy with different packaging.

It's basically an iPhone. You think it's different because because it's again It's just the same here fucking you know Ed Burns in 1997 in me again Ed Burns stars as Burt Hardcock. What was it? Brick Hardcock. Hey, what's going on? Yeah, because you like tulips, right? Whoops. I mean, what flowers

do you like? The worst script ever. But but but let's hope for the best, man. Let's hope for the best. Why not? Let's be positive. Fuck these people who are like, fuck him. He's what he's doing is wrong. What if the fucking lady loves this version of him? What if? Brick Hardcock is just fucking more hand. He's more handsome. He's more handsome.

He chose how to look, okay? He is more handsome. I mean, he looks weird, but he looked weird. All right, so obviously he's in a way the ladies type. Let's hope they fall in love this summer, fall in love with with james mac again James mac as jason monroe Ed burns as jason ed burns as james mac as jason monroe

in 1997 in Me again Fall in love all over again this summer in what are you stalking about it in what are you stalking about in look who's stalking. Oh, how is that? Flying to Hollywood telling him about it. How is look who's stalking? Not a- Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Look me flying by the building of Viacom. Look who's talking. Was that? Wait, how have we not made a move?

Get Ed Burns on the phone. How did Hollywood fuck up that bad, dude? How did Hollywood fuck up that bad, dude? Dude, I'm 45, bro. I've always been 45, man. I've always been 45, man. I've always been 45 in my heart, and I'm finally. My purist for. Dude.

Get me a jet pack. I need to fucking head on over to 20th Century Fox right fucking now. get me a jet pack, I need to fucking head on over to 20th Century Fox right fucking now, land on a building, slide down the fire escape in a cool way with the ladders and tell them about, look who's stalking, god damn, there's gotta be a movie. How is this not a movie?

What the fuck? I wish I wasn't even talking about this on the podcast so I could just write it and make it. Bro, what a beautiful fucking story if it worked out. What a beautiful fucking story. If it worked out. What a beautiful story. How much were they gonna make that movie and then Philip Seymour Hoffman died? You know what I mean?

And they go, oh, I can't really make this anymore. I had respect and also, you know he was gonna kill it. Because he was gonna lose fucking so much weight. You know? Look who's stalking? Starring Philip Seymour Hoffman, fucking right after Boogie Nights, but he goes, well, let's put it on the back burner,

and then they didn't do it, and he died. This episode is brought to you by Adidas. When the frustration grows and the doubts start to creep in, we all need someone who has our back. To tell us we'll be okay, to remind us of our ability, to believe, because their belief in us transfers to self-belief and reminds us of all that we're capable of. We all need someone to make us believe. Hashtag, you got this. Coors Light is launching a fake record label and they want to sign you for a chance to win an unforgettable all-access artist experience at Oshiyaga.

Enter now at CoorsLightRecords.ca. No musical talent required. La la! Wait, what key is this? Must be legal drinking age. No purchase necessary. Fuck you. Despite his drastic transformation, his behavior eventually raised suspicions.

Oh yeah, dude? Like what? His voice? Like what? He did everything the same way again and drove the same car? My ex had this car. Oh yeah? Well, I'm Brick Hardcock.

Authorities discovered his true identity and he was arrested for violating the restraining order. How long did you ride it out? No, that's not, it's not, I don't know who you're talking about. Did the whole time with the same birthmarks, you know, check his cock. Hmm. It's a vagina and okay. Kind of the plot thickens the case shocked many highlighting the extreme and

unsettling measures. Some individuals so drunk may take when obsession overtakes reason. See, I gotta, I gotta... Nah, bro. The guy goes, we need a Netflix documentary project. No, we don't, man. We need a movie with fucking Ed Burns or Philip Seymour Hoffman drastically either gaining weight or losing weight and doing makeup and fucking kill it. You know what you need? You know who's gonna do this? Sebastian Stan.

That's who's gonna fucking make this goddamn movie and I'm gonna get pissed off. He's fine, but it's just gonna, you know. It didn't happen. Fact check. Did a man get 37 plastic surgeries and change his name to date his ex-girlfriend? It didn't happen. It didn't happen. It's a lie. I fact-checked it. Right now. And it's a lie. One fire fact-checked it. Ivan Gifford have fact-checked it. And it's a lie.

Even more so, make it a fucking movie. Based on a real story. Every movie should say, based on a real story, because it's all kind of based on a real story. Every movie should say based on a real story because it's all kind of based on a real story. Dude, Diddy got off and people were celebrating by spraying lube, baby lube. Baby oil, right? Yeah. Like people in suits were popping it like it was bottles, like it was Siroc.

You know, just so slippery outside the courthouse. Dude, the videos of the dudes popping bottles of baby oil, look, also little bitch ass bottles too sometimes, just like fucking hell yeah. Like it's the fucking like the like it's a beef eater you get on the plane hell yeah mini bar shit you know fuck yeah dude uh so so good and and older black men doing it, which is just simply fantastic. Older black men with hats on spraying small bottles of baby oil in the air when Diddy

gets off is just, you know what? I'll challenge you. I'll challenge you. I'll challenge you. I'll, how about this? I'll take a look who's stalking and I'll raise you a how have you not made a movie about that even yet. And it only happened last year. And I, this summer get lubed up all over again.

You thought the cases in the house were bad. Now we've got older black men outside of courthouses with hats on spraying little beef eater bottles of baby oil. Hahahaha! Fucking Terrence Howard in. Whoops, I slipped Fucking Mario van Peebles in whoops I slipped the Diddy story I don't know man but I'm just like

That's so dope that they they celebrated like. And now he's just getting the, you know, we're still waiting to hear the sentencing on, uh, dude, I heard about this thing. I, you know, I was talking to jet GPT, like it's my friend asking him about the case, but they were doing, this guy is in trouble now. Did he is he, he's guilty of two two charges of Moving moving prostitutes Across state lines, which is basically Honestly Like sincerely it could it you, you could just be,

argue that he took a walk with a prostitute across a certain imaginary line, like that's illegal. You can't do that. Like if you go from, you know, Utah to Colorado, and you go, Hey Hooker, here's five bucks. Let's take a walk and, and, and by mistake, you go to, you can get 10 years for that. Okay. Two counts.

So he, he's looking at maybe 20 years. You won't get that. Obviously he'll get, you know, either house arrest or two years or some shit, but like they were like, but the crazy difference of it is insane. but like they're like but the crazy difference of it is insane like to be able to be like oh if you if you could possibly get 10 years for something and they reduce it to house arrest then you don't really give a fuck about that actual crime and you know it he was taking a walk with a hooker. Also, get the hookers. Right?

They took the walk for money. This is like the thing where it's like, okay, yeah. Put Harvey Weinstein in jail. And then also now who are the women that did it and have careers? Not saying they need to go to jail, but what about the other women that didn't do that, that wanted that job? They're not for women either. But you can't say that kind of stuff, right?

So, I don't know. It's just like it's all fucked up. And what about how... I don't know. It's just a lot. It's a lot. You got... The baby oil thing was crazy, you know? The baby oil thing is crazy. The fact that there was that much baby oil is delivered anywhere. You know Jeff Bezos knew about it you know who

how much you shut the fuck up. You shut the fuck up in here, bitch. Goodbye. You shut the, film me. I'm Instagram famous, you fucking bum. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. Did she mean that she was Instagram famous before this? Or did she mean, Because that's horrible. Well, what? You know? What's up, world? Call me a bitch again. You did nothing wrong. I said shut up. No you shut the fuck up. You shut the fuck up in here bitch.

You shut the... film me. I'm Instagram famous you fucking... What is she... who is this? Catwoman? Who wears this shit? I know you want to be comfy on a flight, but bro I wore shorts on a plane twice and I felt so weird. Hey, class it up. Okay. Fucking you don't need me to make, you don't even make me want to jizz my pants because I'm like, you know, in four D. Let me get to, let me get to goddamn, uh, Huntsville, Alabama,

without, ha, brrrr, with the yoga pants. If you put on one fabric and you're flying, you're crazy, bro. That's one, she's Catwoman. If you put on one fabric and fly,

you might be a slore. If you have Ugg boots and really tight booty shorts and a, Booty shorts and a fucking black tank top on and a splotchy face. You might be a slore. Just fucking Jeff sexist worthy. Yeah. So you might be a slore. Jeff sexist worthy? Ummm... Yeah, so you might be a slur. Are you down getting bukkakeed? You might be a slur.

Anyway, dude, whatever, I don't care. That was stupid. That was dumb. I know it and I don't care. Ummm... alright, dude. There you have it. That's the episode. Preach and subscribe. See in Indiana, see in Miami, see in Houston, Texas. Get on that Twitch Salt Lake City. I'll be there.

Chris Lee.com. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you,