Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 457. The Zombie in the Air

Episode Date: July 31, 2025

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RUNK Hello everyone and welcome to episode 457 of Congratulations! It is Litty. It is Litty. I worked out right before this, which is a big mistake. Because here's why it's a big mistake. Because I worked out outside before this, which is a big mistake. Because here's why it's a big mistake, because I worked out outside and I started sweating. And then, you know, like after I worked out, I took a shower and that's when I really started sweating and my shirt was wet.

So I had to wait a little bit, but you know, it's nice. I work out outside, I get some color, you know what I mean? And it's very beautiful. And I gotta tell you know, it's nice. I work outside, I get some color, you know what I mean? And it's very beautiful. And I gotta tell you something, today was one of them days where I woke up, I felt fantastic, and I looked at myself, and I was ugly as shit. So, ugly days do not coincide with your mental health, it really doesn't. Sometimes I just am mentally great, and physically abhorrent. And that's fine.

But I didn't like it. Didn't like the way I looked. And that's fine. So what, dude? Life goes on, man. We're all dealing with some stuff. And some days, yugly. But, dude, I... Look, first of all, I'm going to be in Europe. I'm going to be in Miami. I'm going to be in Houston. I've got dates. I'm going to be in Europe. I got a bunch of dates. London is almost sold out, crystallia.com.

And I got Utah coming up and Boise. And Boise is very cool. Although everyone should stop talking about how cool it is. I mean, they're not, I don't know, but it's very cool. It's a cool, it's got a vibe, right? You know, it doesn't have a vibe. Huntsville, Alabama. That's just get that for later.

Huntsville, Alabama and it's Huntsville and it's rich. Well, okay, look, it's got 240,000 people there. Okay, and that's cool. And, you know, it's like basically, what's it called? Salt Lake City, that's how big Salt Lake City is. Boyden, he knows his stuff, right? It's not my market, it's Alabama.

Obviously it's not my market. I don't, you know, but I love going, I'll go anywhere. I really will go anywhere. Because I want to, here's why I wanna go anywhere. Because it makes me feel like I work hard and it makes me feel like, wow, I've been everywhere. Like when somebody says something like, oh yeah, uh, you know, that this college in Iowa and I'm like, oh, played it or whatever it is,

you know, played right there. Um, so I go, so, you know, they, my, the guy, my guy says, hey, want to go to Huntsville? They got a, they got a comedy club there. You want to do the summer? I go, yeah,, want to go to Huntsville? They got a comedy club there you want to do this summer? I go, yeah. Never been to Huntsville. I thought it was Huntsville, which it should be, by the way. And also, Louisville should be Louisville. I don't care.

You know, I get it. Purists would be like, no. It's just no. You know? We agree on vill is what we agree on, okay? We agree on vil because everyone says, you know, amityville horror. So smallville.

So yeah, pleasantville. So anyway, I, um, no, but I show TV, TV show, talk show host thing. So anyway, uh, yeah, so that's what it happened. It was, uh, anyway, uh, in the monologue, I, uh, Dan Smiller. So he's just, uh, yeah. Uh, an Indian chief. Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Hi. Yeah. Hi. Yeah. It rains after he does it. Um, so anyway, I, uh, so I go, yeah, I'm going to do hunts for cause I want to go everywhere. I go to Huntsville.

And I'm there already for, oh, first of all, no, actually, let me start this like this. United Airlines, you're still run by cats. Hey. Okay, so on the way there, you know what? I actually learned something about myself because when it's truly no one's fault, I'm chilling. I'm chilling. When it's truly no one's fault, I'm chilling.

I had to go to Huntsville and there's no direct flights there because who the fuck wants to go there, you know what I mean? So I went to Denver to Huntsville and there's no direct flights there because who the fuck wants to go there? You know what I mean? So I went to Denver first landed in Denver. Well, no get on the plane go to Denver Denver It's it's delayed. The reason why it's delayed is because of a storm in Denver. So we take off later I may miss my connection and I go. All right, whatever Nobody's fault because of the weather So we get in the air. I'm asleep and then I hear Yeah

Actually, I can land we've been in a holding pattern. We're not a gas. So we're gonna do is Okay, we're gonna land just fucking somewhere it's a place it's called you know it doesn't matter it's near Denver the weather is nobody's landing in Denver and everybody's grounded nobody's leaving so we're just kind of go fucking somewhere it's gonna land so and we're gonna stay there in that airport gonna get down there fucking somewhere and gonna refuel and we're gonna wait until Denver lets us know it gives us the okay to fly in from fucking somewhere so sit tight and prepare a cabin for prepare a cabin prepare a cabin

so i'm like great dude you know i'm missing i'm definitely missing my connection i'm missing my connect gang connect gang ping ping ping West side dude but I'm missing it let's see a fill in here. So um we you know I I'm I do all the really important stuff like put my tray up and make sure my seat back is in the correct position, two inches forward from where it was. Otherwise, who knows what would have happened. So we land and it's no one's fault. I'm chilling, I'm chilling. I'm out, I'm out. I'm like, I'm probably as upset as like a zombie gets.

They don't, I don't think they get upset, you know? They're just kind of like in the middle of dead and alive, you know? They're just hungry kind of. That's how I was. I was the zombie in the air. Well, hopefully you're a zombie right now, a zombie in the air.

You're gonna land fucking somewhere. It's gonna be completely out of your control. So hopefully you're a fucking zombie and you don't give a shit. Prepare for cabin, prepare for cabin. And so, we land and I'm like, all right, well, let's go see what this small airport is like, right? On the plane.

Hey, so we are in the process of refueling. Not sure if we're going to be able to get off the airplane or not. We're going to see how long it's gonna take here We're gonna wait for Denver to let us know I'm coming from fucking somewhere Hopefully you guys are Between living and dead right now and don't actually care. Um, you know, you know lives, but anyway, we are going to We're gonna stay here stay put and told we know, we're going to stay here,

stay put until we know what we're going to be doing. So, anyway, so prepare to cabin, cabin, prepare to cabin. So now I'm like, all right, dude, first of all, stop fucking, dude, don't, they talk too long, man. Don't they they talk too long man If you want to be like a speaker Then be a speaker dude Get a fucking podium

Have a podium in your in the cockpit, dude But because they say the same thing over and over again so anyway, we we're sitting there and I'm like, fuck, I don't know. It's so cranking hot. And, um, we're there for 45 minutes sitting in an airplane. We're actually, sorry, it has been sucked off we're actually basically what we're gonna do is um we're gonna sit in a plane we're fucking bunch of pieces of shit just sitting in a plane we're gonna do absolutely nothing fucking somewhere so the thing we're doing absolutely fucking nothing somewhere

that's what we're doing you don't even know where we are So we go talk to dinner. We're just gonna be going back when we can we're gonna be staying on the full on the plane This way we get situated situated and excited. I'll get out get situated and check I'm prepared to cap Okay, I haven't prepared it Kevin So now I'm sitting there. it's an hour plus, okay? And then finally, I work out of somewhere, we're going to Denver, we're going to put a cabin, put a cabin,

put a cabin, you're gonna get sucked off. And then we go to Denver and I go, oh, I'm fucked. I guess I'm just gonna be in Denver. Hey, I'll just be in Denver, because my show's, thank God I flew a day early, because you can only fly a day early now. You have to fly a day early. If you're fly a day early now You have to fly a day early

If you're gonna go somewhere, you don't fly a day early. You will not go to the thing. Okay, cuz flights Suck. All right United is run by caps. Now. This is not United's fault. I'm giving them the benefit of the doubts. No one's fault I'm chilling right now. I'm all good. Okay So we land and I and and I'm giving them the benefit of the doubts. No one's fault. I'm chilling right now. I'm all good. Okay. So we land and I, and, and. I got no lives. Now we're in the air to Denver.

Since we're not leaving there, a good chance your connection is not gonna be, they're not gonna be taken off there. So you're gonna be okay and make a connection. Maybe we'll arrive a little later on to your destination, but it's connection, connection anyway. Sorry, getting sucked off. Drop cabin, cabin. And so, so we land and I checked the app, dude.

Okay. I checked the United app because now I'm on the apps, baby, dude. I got all the apps. I got Delta United frigging, whatever the other ones are. JetBlue. I got Spirit. I don't even fly Spirit, flew it once, you know? Flew it once, I'll be honest. It was the only direct flight, flew it once.

So, so we land and I look at the app and the app says boarding the new flight. Now we're late. Okay. But boarding the new flight, uh, boards now. So I go made it dude. Gonna get the hunts at one AM, but it's okay. All right. So I get, I checked app and I go, I better have time to get something.

If I can pick up real quick. Cause I haven't eaten shit yet. I haven't eaten all day, dude. Like I'm fat. I'm like, Oh dude, I better have time to get something if I can pick up real quick. Cause I haven't eaten shit yet. I haven't eaten all day, dude. Like I'm fat. I'm like, oh dude, I'm fasting actually. I mean, I'll just use this day for the first day of my fast fasting. And for three days, I just won't eat.

But then I get so hungry and I go, oh, I see sushi at the airport. And since sushi is top notch at the airport, I go to go get it. And the lady's at the counter at the Denver airport and she's just like, you know, at the, what do you call it? Not the counter, yeah, the counter, but the cash register. And she just goes like this,

hold on one second, and then leaves dude. Okay, leaves, okay. And leaves, but by the way, does the worst kind of leave. She leaves in sight, okay? So I see her walking around for five minutes doing other things and I just need boop here you go boop thank you very much bye sushi sushi sushi get on the plane getting sucked off cabin cabin so I'm right, dude, I'm looking at her. I'm holding the sushi.

I'm looking at her, going to somewhere else, going to somewhere else, getting menus, giving it to somebody, going to somewhere else, getting someone else, could you do it? I'm like, dude, my shit is just boop boop. That's how quick it takes. Why can't we just do that? So I go, I'm looking at the thing and says,

oh, there's still boarding group one. Oh, there's still boarding group one, that's okay. If there's still boarding group one, I got time.? So I go, I'm looking at the thing and says, oh, they're still boarding group one. Oh, they're still boarding group one. That's okay. If they're still boarding group one, I got time. And then I go like this, they're not fucking still boarding group one. I'm looking at what class I'm in. I'm one.

And I go, fuck, I'm gonna be late. So I hang up, or no, hang up. So I put the sushi down and then I run. I gotta run, dude. It's like, it's the same, it's B, but it's like I landed in B1 and the flight is B, the new flight is B98. So I'm running dude, the whole time I'm like,

the fucking woman wouldn't give me the sushi, woman wouldn't give me the sushi, I'm not gonna eat anything, I'm fasting, I'm fasting, okay I'm fasting. And I'm like, I'm gonna miss it dude, because boarding closes 10 minutes before the thing, I miss it'm like, I'm gonna miss it, dude. Cause boarding closes 10 minutes before the thing. I miss it, dude. I, and I don't, and I'm gonna miss it.

And if I miss it, I'm gonna go nuts. I get there, dude, they didn't even fucking start boarding. Yes, update the app, dude. Could have had the sushi. Yes. Dude, I was so mad and sweaty, dude. Okay? If you have an app, update it.

Dude, I'll run for mayor on that platform. If you have an app, update it. So now I'm there and I'm like, that sushi's too far away and I just worked out. So I can't go back and I don't know when they're going to start. And now the app's a liar. So I'll just wait here and watch the screen. And then I go like this.

Dude. Smell. uh, cartoon smell under my, under my, under my, under my nose. I go, I look, bro, like it's a dream. There's just a guy standing in the, in the corridor with empanadas like a cart that it's like I think it's called half moon half moon empanadas and I'm like fucking in an airport really put your hand back like you swim and when you walk here we go so I'm going over to the empanadas because I could still keep my eyes on the, uh, the, the screen, right? I go, when they bored, I'm, I'm, I'm going to get some,

some empanadas. Fuck it. I'm fasting, but I eat two empanadas. So I go, Hey man, um, let me get some empanadas. He's like, I, you could get them. They're in boxes of two. I was like, okay, cool. All right. Let me get some chicken. He's like, only got beef. I'm like, fuck. All right. I guess I mean beef empanadas, dude. Gate B beef empanadas at gate B. Dude, have you had the beef empanadas in gate B? No, you gotta go over there.

Go early, go early to your flight, even if it's in a different terminal. So I go, I eat two beef empanadas. I walk back to the screen to the, you know, it's like maybe 50 feet away. No, it's like maybe a hundred feet away. And then I go, yo, who am I? Who am I? Who am I, dude? And I go, I'm Chris D'Alea.

And I go, hey, Chris D'Alea, and I go, hey, two beef empanadas, two beef empanadas is a snack. So I fucking moonwalk back to the Half Moon place, and I'm embarrassed. I don't know why, because I'm just, I'm still hungry. But why am I embarrassed? I'm embarrassed that the guy behind the cart is just gonna be like, oh, y'all don't know

how big your stomach is? Yo, you ate the wrong amount of beef empanadas? Psh, you were idiot. So I'm like, yo, can I get another beef empanadas box? Ha ha ha, like a bitch, dude, like a fucking bitch. I was basically like, can I have some beef empanadas? More, more, please. Um, so I go, all right.

He says, yeah. And then I and then I take the box and he goes like this, you know, if you really want them to taste extra good, we got some hot sauce over here. And I go, sensation and grab a few packs. And I go back to the gate and I eat the other two beef empanadas. And let me tell you something, dude, these half moon beef empanadas and gate B are on fucking fire, dude. They're so good, dude.

Every time I take a bite, I go, and now not amazing. And now I've eaten four and I go, then I sit there not bored and yet, dude, this app really did me dirty. Okay. And then I'm sitting there for empanadas deep and I, and I start thinking, Hey, who the fuck am I? Nah, who am I? And I go, I'm Chris Alia. And I go like this Four empanadas is a snack And I moonwalk back to half moon and I'm really embarrassed I mean, I'm like, I'm like, Mr. fucking I am Mr. I'm my knees,

the weak palms are sweaty. Vomit on his sweater. And I'm like, the guy sees me coming. He's looking at me like that fucking, uh. Like the frog meme. And I'm just like, there's nothing like I'm so I'm still so hungry. I just worked out. You know, I worked out all of the whole gate from B1 to B99.

And I said, yo, man, and I did some bitch shit because I couldn't just say let me get two more I fucking said oh man I don't know I'm still so hungry can I get another box fucking I hate that I did that why does he have to know he's like hell yeah he was laughing at me because I'm a fucking bitch for not knowing my own. Y'all don't know your own stomach. Here you go. Y'all don't know your own insides here. Here, dog. Here. You sure you don't want more? Hey, I'll see you in a little bit, right? You're going to eat more, right?

Yes. Are you running? Wasn't even bored of you fucking bitch. And I'm just fucking sitting there crying. I got it. Where's That half moon is so mean. I tipped them, dude. I tipped them. Every time the guy made a fucking G off me. Ah, eight to two other empanadas. Okay.

Still not. Oh, dude, still not bored. Ha! Ate the two other empanadas. Okay? Still not. Oh dude, still not bored and eaten one empanada. On my next, on to the next, on, on to the next, empanada, on to the next. So I go to eat the second empanada and they're bored in group one. And I am like, I am not gonna be the guy

eating empanadas on a fucking flight from, you know what I mean? I don't wanna stink it up. So I shove it in my mouth and I sit down. I really wanted more. I'm going to be honest. I really wanted more empanadas. Six is a snack.

I'm being honest. I'm being honest. My brain didn't catch up with my tummy. I wasn't full yet. I could have been if I waited, but my brain wasn't caught up to my tummy. I could have had two more. No doubt. I could have had two more. You but my brain wasn't caught up to my tummy. I could have had two more, no doubt. I could have had two more.

You don't think so? Who am I? So I get on the plane and go to Huntsville, all right? And they go, there's a meal on the plane. And I go. Stop the cow. Give it to me. And they say, well, what would you like? Oh, stop the cow. Give it to me.

And they and they say, well, what would you like? Buffalo chicken wrap or grilled veggie wrap? And I say, well, I want the buffalo chicken wrap, but I'm getting the veggie wrap because I just ate so much beef. I'm basically a cow. OK, so I got the veggie wrap. Ate it. Fucking hummus, ate it. Dude, there was a dessert, ate it.

Bro, I get to Huntsville, I mean, when I tell you how badly I had to go to the bathroom, bro, I shit on the toilet. Just like, you know, you're going to be shit your brains out. We worked it out here at United. So you'd have to run and then he fucking six empanadas and then a veggie wrap. It's not good for anybody. We're going to give you little cups of water to

we're going to give you the option to have a liquid but we're gonna give it to you in thimbles. So you're gonna be really dry. We're gonna give you a little bit of water just little by little. It's gonna basically be like that um the movie 180 or 128 days whatever it was with uh where the guy loses his arm. fucking James Franco or whatever we're gonna give you that much water and you're gonna have to eat and fucking beef empanadas from a cart and then also uh the grilled veggie wrap that's been sitting here in my podium for for about four months anyway prepare to Gavin prepare to Gavin. I got to get the fight in our piercing me off. Um, so, so now I'm like, all right, fine. So I go to, uh, go to the hotel, get there the next day, wake up, feel like just just ice cold shit.

You know what I mean? And I just feel like frozen shit. You know what I'm talking about? Just not good on top of not good. You know, no one wants to be called and no one wants to feel like shit. I just feel like a clammy frozen piece of shit. And so, but hey, good news, I'm in Huntsville, a new city I've never been to.

Hey hippie, let's explore. So I go to the coffee shop and the coffee is fucking amazing, dude. I go to this place called, uh, uh, oh shit, I should shout it out. But it was really good. I went there, I got coffee, it was really good. I had different kinds of coffee too.

I had espresso and I ate cold brew. And if you don't want me to talk about coffee on this podcast, it'd be boring. I don't give a fuck. Because it was that good. And I get a breakfast sandwich and it was that good. And I get a breakfast sandwich and it was that good. And I got two because one's a snack, stupid. And I ate two breakfast sandwiches.

And I felt bad about it. And Danny, the comedian I roll with, he was like, don't feel bad about it. You're fucking probably over 200 pounds. You're 6'2", fuck it. And I go, yeah, yeah, right, right, fuck it. Right, right, right. Get to Huntsville, I go, oh cool.

Venue in the venue, I go, hell yeah. Do the show, get on stage, and I say, everybody, it's good to be here in Huntsville. I can't believe it, I've never been here before. The whole crowd goes, yes, you have. Yes, you have. And I feel like I'm in, I already feel like I'm in an argument with my wife. Cause I go, shit, this crowd is wrong.

I'm me. And I go, I have? And they go, yeah. And I'm like, what? So the whole set, I'm doing my set, the whole set an hour. I'm like, dude, I can't wait to fucking check online if I've been here or not.

This is how my brain works. I'm in there, you know, firing, doing the stuff and in my head I go, he's fucking. How are they all wrong? I can't wait to Google it when I get get I'm going to ask chat GPT. I'm going to Google it. I'm going to fucking ask all the I mean as Jeeves he's been gone I'm gonna find him and ask the real Jeeves I know right you're right I didn't fucking weren't there yeah okay

crowd was wrong don't let him get to you. So I get off stage and I go, I'm gonna chat GPT. Hey, was Crystal Lea ever in... This is what I did basically. Come on. Has Christy Leah ever performed in Huntsville, Alabama before 2025? The fucking thing is. Yes, Christy did perform in Huntsville, Alabama before 2025. He had shows there on July 25th and 26th 2025 at Levity Live. So you've definitely been there. Okay, but wait, you know this is me?

Oh, sorry about that. I don't actually know who you are unless you tell me. I just used your name based on the info you gave earlier. Let me know if you need anything else. Did you just, did I just find out something about chat GPT? That was like super sneaky, like, you know, I said Crystal Leah, but you said you, I didn't say you.

That's like in one of those movies where there's bumbling crooks and they're like, I didn't say it was me. I hate it. I totally get it. No worries at all. I'll keep things simple and straightforward. No, no, it doesn't bother me. I'm just wondering if I knew, found like a secret thing with chat GPT. No secret tricks here.

I just try to keep things friendly and personal. If there's ever anything you're curious about, feel free to ask. you're curious about, feel free to ask. I didn't say it was Tuesday. Oh, yeah, no, I just, I knew it was because it was before Monday and then... She said you, dude. Has Chris Lee ever before? No, you haven't. Or he. I'm so sorry. I just dial tone his chat GPT. The fuck? If you'd like to make a call, please hang up. Message C5. So anyway, I look, you know, now that I have performed there, she's saying that. But before that, she was like, no, no, you know, no record of that. And I'm like, I Google image.

What did the club look like? It was a different club. Okay. And then I go, I don't recognize it. I have no memory of it. So I have no memory of it. So I have no memory of it. And I've never, I'm at the, look, I was wondering when this would happen,

but like, you know, I'm like, they can't all be wrong. I went on the next date on stage and I go, have I been here? And they go, yes. And I'm like, all right, I guess I'm wrong, dude. And I go, I'm 45. This is the first time in my life that I have zero memory of a weekend that I've been, that I've worked.

Cause I was even like, oh, well I haven't done, well it wasn't at this venue and the crowd was like, yeah it was, I go, oh my God, I have no memory of it, okay? So look, I've done a lot of weekends and I understand that if I have no memory of it, that doesn't mean anything, but it's never happened before. I've always had like an inkling, I go, yeah, okay, I kind of remember this.

Dude, I'm just like, I guess I'm at that age. That's crazy, dude. The whole weekend is just not logged. And so I do the next shows and then at the end of the weekend, they're like, all right, will you sign the wall? And I go, oh yeah, I'll sign the wall. And I'm like, where am I gonna sign the wall?

I walk directly to a place I want to sign and right there where I got to sign the wall and I'm like, where am I gonna sign the wall? I walked directly to a place I want to sign and right there where I'm gonna sign is my signature from 2018. Bro, I mean, what is my body doing? What is my body doing? And I'm blaming that shit on fucking United. But guess what, dude, United didn't even make a mistake yet.

They didn't it didn't bother me. It was nobody's fault, like I said, on the flight there. You know who was on the flight, dude? You know who was on the flight? I sat next to fucking Eric Estrada. Chips, punch from chips. It was the silliest, weirdest flight because he was like, pulled out his eye. He's the kind of guy, first of all, he's in great shape.

He's like 76, but he's just like, he's an actor, for those of you who don't know, huge TV star, back in the day, when it mattered. And he's one of those guys that's like, you know, lets you know when he's frustrated. So I'm like, do you step in or not? You know, it's a fucking Eric Estrada, is he doing it?

Is he acting? You know, is he using acting for doing this? And so he's got his iPad and he's just like, Is he acting? You know? Is he using acting for doing this? And, um, and so he's got his iPad and he's just like, what the fuck? And I'm like, Oh God, do I help her? Does his daughter usually help? You know, you're thinking shit like that because he's just older doing shit like this on the iPad.

Like it's like it's a front door, like dude, you know, and then finally I, uh, I look over to his iPad cause he's got the Netflix working and it's something I seen, but I don't know what it is. I know I've seen it, but I don't know what it is. And I said, and Eric Castrata goes like this. This is what he does to me. Say my computer is the laptop.

He goes like this. And offers me the second seat to watch in a nice way. Like not in a, oh, you're looking at my watch like like in a nice way like not in a oh you're looking at my screen like in a nice way it's like here you look at it and he's got the earphones on so now i'm looking at this uh show i've i've like i've no i've seen this but what is it so i said oh you know what i actually i've seen this but i don't remember what it's called and he says oh it's called a scursor or something and i oh, I don't know what he said. And I'm not going to ask what because I'm like, whatever. He seems like such a nice guy.

I don't want to bother him. So I'm like, oh, okay. So now I'm like, I was trying to find out what it is. But when we're landing, we landed in the, it was a place called Montrose, Denver, not Colorado. It was called Montrose. That was the fucking somewhere place that we went to. Dude, the pilot, the pilot who told us so many times what we were doing, we already landed and Eric is on the phone. He's like, yeah, yeah.

He goes like this. Yeah, yeah. He goes, oh. And he looks at me and I, what? He says, Hulk Hogan died. And he go, oh yeah, I know. Yeah, he passed away. It's probably his heart.

That's what he says to me on the phone, but talking to me, it's probably his heart. Gotta get your heart checked, man on the phone, but talking to me. It's probably his heart Gotta get your heart to man. I get my heart check. I got my heart check I got a stint in mine on the phone looking at me talking to me and I go, oh, yeah He says yeah, you probably have to um, you should get yours checked And I go I'm 45 little did I know I didn't remember going to the fucking place I've been to is there anyway talking and I go oh by the way talking to Erica Strada about Hogan is the most 80 shit of all time

And I'm just like this is the silliest way here I am somewhere in Colorado not where we're supposed to be we're in fuck up. Let's go Montrose, Colorado I'm sitting with with Eric Estrada. By the way, next to him was Darrell Hammond. Ah, so nostalgic. He was playing in Denver. So, so, so I go, it's very rare. I'm the third most famous guy in the row on the plane.

You know, like, I'm not, I'm not Tom Cruise. I understand I'm not very famous, but it's very rare. I'm the third famous in the row of the, of the airplane. Uh, that only has three people in it. Okay. So my ego is just getting all boxed up. So, um, so, so then, um, he gets off the phone and we're in, we're in, you know, we were supposed to go to Denver and he says, uh, what are we doing on the plane? And I'm like, oh yeah, we're, we're staying here because of the weather. He's like, oh, and then he says, wait a minute, this is a different airport? Dude, he didn't even know we went somewhere else. And I said, yeah, we got to go back.

We're fueling. We got to go. We're not in Denver yet. He was like, oh man, I'm going to miss my connection to Traverse city. I'm like, why the fuck are you going to Traverse city? And he's like, Oh, I'm working a lot. He's like, where are you going? And I said, I'm going to Huntsville. He said, Oh, I'm going there next weekend. I'm like, Hey, what's happening, dude? This is,

this whole weekend was a simulation to me. It just was insane. So I'm like, are you going to Huntsville for what? He's like, there's a car show. I'm like, really? I went and got to Huntsville, I was like, is there a car show next week? And they're like, yeah. I'm just so ready for everyone to be fucking lying.

So after Huntsville, all right, I get to the airport very early in the morning that I gotta get to the airport very early in the morning that I got to go to the airport very early in the morning to get home. Okay. We get on the plane at eight. It's like an eight o'clock flight. We get on the plane. By the air, I guess just waiting here. I gotta get a dark printer's not working. I get the printer work before I fly out. There's a paperwork. It should not working. I gotta get the printer to work before I fly out. Do some paperwork, it should be fine.

I know the air is not on. Can't turn it on until we turn the engine on. So I'm gonna sit tight, it's hot for all of us, sorry. You get me sucked off. So I'm like, all right. We're sitting, I'm sweating so much, okay? 20 minutes goes by and I'm like, am I going to miss my connection to get home to my kids?

And they go... So, all we're going to do here is... We're not getting the airplane started. And we don't think it... We're not sure if it's the airplane or it's the... What are they called? The starter thing that we put on the airplane i can't remember what it was called but it said something like it was the starting the engine the starting the thing that starts the fucking airplane it's

either that or the airplane if it's that uh... it's not a big deal we'll get another one we'll borrow one from fucking delta uh... but uh... if it's the airplane we're gonna have to figure something else out so we're gonna have your D plane. You gotta use your pass, but you gotta have your ticket to get off the plane, and then ticket to get back on the plane. So you sit back, we'll have some other... And bro, and I am just...

Okay, that sucks. I get off the plane. Bro, you're not gonna believe what happened. I get off the plane. Bro, you're not going to believe what happened. I get off the plane, I'm sitting, and the lady's already mad. You know what I'm talking about? The lady there? You know how flight attendants are, no sorry, the gate agents, you know how they can already be mad? You know how they can be pre-mad, right? Like you walk up and they're just like, hmmm.

And you're just like, oh, fuck. This is a defense. I'm doing this so you don't so you know what's up. And you go, oh, fuck. Okay. I was just wondering, you know, if I so you don't come in hot. I'll put you back on your heels. Right away. You go, okay. So so she's like we don't you know now they're and then they're doing the thing where they're using the fucking Speaker thing and we're sitting all right there. She doesn't need to use it

You know, it's just her and we're all right there, but she's still using it. She's like We cannot rebook your flights. We will have more information soon. We cannot rebook your flights. So I'm sitting here, so I go, OK. Grace of God. The pilot comes out, and he's using the thing now. And it still sounds like, so we're going to get it out of the thing. We borrowed a thing.

Borrowed one of the things, started playing. So we're going to get on the runway going. We're going to try and make connections. And we've of the thing. We borrowed a thing. Borrowed one of the things, started playing. So we're gonna get on the ground. Where you going? We're gonna try and make you know, make connections and look out that gang. So we get on the plane, take off, still hot as balls, land. I land too late to make my connection. I'm pissed. Okay. So then, you're not gonna believe what happened, okay? I'm running to make, oh no, no, no, no, I'm getting them all mixed up because there's so many fucked up flights from United because they're run by cats.

So now I have to wait, my connection now is like three hours later. So I'm chilling in the Denver airport, okay? Fine, I'm chilling in the Denver airport okay fine I'm chilling in the Denver airport not a big deal I get this shit happens I go to the gate 40 minutes before uh boarding wait no sorry 40 minutes before the plane takes off okay they're boarding I get there 40 minutes before the plane gets there. Okay.

Boarding group one, I go up. I see my buddy Ben McKenzie was there. I go, what the fuck are you doing here? He's like, I made a documentary about crypto for some reason. I'm like, oh really? That's crazy. What happened to fucking doing Gotham? He just does a documentary about crypto and it's fucking great apparently.

I got to see it. He's a great guy. Ben McKenzie's awesome. So I'm like, oh cool. We were talking and I go, boop, and the lady's like, you're not checked in. And I was like, what? And she was like, here, come here. I'll figure it out. So I'm like, Oh, go ahead, Ben. Oh, yeah. So he goes on a flight and, uh, I'm sitting there, uh, and it's taking too long.

It's just, it's just, uh, it's just taking too long. It's just it's just it's just taking too long Hey Hey, dude, I'm supposed to be there What the fuck what the fuck I'm still here Hey, dude, what the fuck am I doing in this place for too long when I should be there and everyone else is already there. Hey, what the fuck? And she says, you're not checked in. So I'm trying to figure it out. I said, okay. Uh, finally I was like, is there a problem? She's like, well,

the thing is since you didn't check in and I'm like, and now I'm like, what do you mean I didn't check in? Uh, she says, since you didn't check in, they gave your seat away and I go. I mean, just blood out of my ears, you know? And I'm like, you gave my seat away, what do you mean? She says, well, because you didn't check in. And now, now, in and now I'm now

now Now I'm mad Now I now I've got the purple pants on now now Excuse me, sweetie bitch. Do you want my pants to turn purple? Really angry Sweetie doll purple really angry, sweet it all bro. And I say, what do you mean? I didn't check in. And she says, well, you didn't check into your flight. And I said, uh, I've been here four hours and I'm connecting.

So what are you talking about? She says, well, you didn't check into this flight. I said, I got to the airport this morning and I checked in. How many times you need to fucking check into a flight? You keep checking in. She was like, that's just what the system says. I says, cool. Can you get somebody who knows what's going on? She's like, okay, I asked for somebody to come. So like, I went, oh yeah, by the way,

the whole plane's boarded. Okay. Nobody's nobody. Nobody else is outside. Just me. And I'm like, the lady comes up and she says, hi sir. Really nice. And I'm like, the lady comes up and she says, hi sir, really nice. And I'm like, oh, hey, she says, so it says here you didn't check in. I said, oh yeah, I know, I know, I know that's what you're saying it says, but that's actually impossible because of my memory.

I checked in and you don't need to keep checking in on flights. Oh, on the same flight, ma'am. I was like, she's like, well, the thing I said, look, maybe you're talking about because my flight was delayed and you guys switched my flight to the next possible one, which is this one, because this is the connecting one. And then because of that, maybe you didn't figure it out

in your system. But I don't have to check. I've been here three hours. And she's like, I'm really, I'm sorry. And I say, when's the next flight? She says, 730. Dude, it's two. When's the next flight? She says 730. Dude, it's two.

And I said, okay, well, the good news is no matter what happens, I'm getting on that flight as shit is leaking out of my anus and blood out of my ears. Isn't that great? And so I say, okay, well, how are you gonna make this right? Which is what I hate when I gotta go to that. I go, how are you gonna make this right? And she says, okay, well, yeah, we gave away your seat. So I go, all right. They go on the plane and I go, what are they gonna do? Fuck, and throw someone off the plane?

Now I'm gonna feel bad. They come back, so you have to give it. They go, I hear the lady say, you gotta give lady say, you gotta give the lady a thousand dollar voucher because we have, fuck yeah, eat that shit, dude. Yeah, dude, give me my seat and be out money. Fuck yeah, dude. Cats ain't eating now, right? Pilots are just meow.

So now I'm like, uh, okay. Uh, she says, we got you seat. I go, yeah, awesome. I go. Yeah, awesome. I go number oh You I go on the plane And not only do I see I completely forgot Ben McKenzie was even there my friend McKenzie I forgot Not only do I see him again, I see

many open seats. Stop the cap. Bro? Why did we do all this? I almost died. My heart was pumping so hard. I go, I actually, I go, listen, I just had a weekend where, in my head, I'm like, I just

had a weekend where I didn't even know I was at this place. I've been there. Okay. I've been there for the whole weekend. I didn't know. And in my head I'm like, I'm gonna fucking, if I'm that old to forget that, I'm old enough to have an aneurysm. So I'm old enough to have a heart problem right now

and just die here at fucking, I ate empanadas two days ago. How many empanadas did you have? Two, more. Three, more. Four, more. How many empanadas did you have? Did you have five more? Six? Probably. Dude, I mean, were you embarrassed going back to the thing? Probably. Did you shit something the size of a sphinx? Did you shit something the size of a sphinx when you came back? Probably.

So I sit in the seat next to an empty seat and fly home. United, and I said to the lady too, I said, I know it's not your fault. Thank you very much for working this out. I know it's not your fault, but I got to, I've got to do something with this anger though. You know what I'm talking about? Let's I can't believe all that stuff happened. I wonder what Eric Estrada is doing right now. I can't believe I had to check into the flight twice, dude. Bro? I mean, I needed a... And let me ask you something.

This butt sniffer guy that got arrested for butt sniffing, do you know about this or no? Okay. There's a guy that got arrested for walking around sniffing women's butts Okay, now look I Get it That's weird Well, I gotta say this what you get arrested for that Sniffing butts?

They're looking at me like I'm crazy, but you're not touching anybody. You're walking up and you're just going sniffing butts, bro. Legal in my nation. Hey, oh dude, I don't want you to sniff my butts. Please be better. Do better. You know what I mean? It's one of those situations.

Do better. Oh, are you sniffing my butt, sir? Do better, please. But, but it shackles? Imagine you're in a CVS just, oh, oh, sorry, man. Freeze. Oh, we got the butt sniffer. That's wild. So it's illegal. Don't go sniffing butts. And...

Uh... That's, that's fine. I, you know, look, I, I am not the kind of guy that walks up to a woman and sniffs their butts. I don't bend down, sniff their butts. But if I did, and I got arrested for it, I'd be like, what the fuck, dude?

We used to be a nation. A man can't sniff butts at CVS anymore? A man can't sniff butts at Rite Aid anymore? Un-fucking-real. I'll pay his bail. Get the butt sniffer out. Magic mind. This was so funny, I thought, dude. This was so funny, I thought.

This was so funny, I thought. Said it three times. I don't care. Fuck you. Here we go. Dude. I'm not your element. I'm not uncomfortable walking around my people.

This is who I am. Bro. Okay. This is Mayor Adams. He went viral in Harlem because he's talking to a bunch of people. I love this, dude. I love this. I love this.

I love this dude. I love this. I love this. I love this. He goes like this. You go check me out 1 a.m in the morning. I'm sitting in the back of a closed barbershop or beauty salon smoking a cigar and drinking some Henny or a single moscot. smoking a cigar and drinking some Henny or a single Maud Scott. Sir, irresponsible. The mayor, dude. Dude, I was hopping when I saw that. This is a flex. This guy.

I am in my natural element. If you come see me at 1 a.m. I'm in the back of a closed barbershop. Just hey guy, get sleep. Hey, you're the mayor. Drinking handy in the back of a clothes bump. Nobody even there I'm a crazy person It's just me It I broke in

I'm in my natural element also not the element he's in right now You know, he's giving a speech. I'm in my natural element. In the back of a barbershop, just a lunatic, drinking Hanny, and it is 1 a.m. He did it so, like, yeah! He did it so confidently that people still went yeah even though they're like they were like get sleep though don't be drunk don't be hungover when you have to sign bills

This is my natural element. If you want to find me at 3 30 a.m. I'm in the back of a quiz nose. Playing craps. Drinking fucking. Drinking Beefeater. I don't give a fuck. You understand? I wake up give a fuck, you understand? I'll wake up drunk as fuck, try to pass some bills.

Maybe they're the wrong bills. I might sign it fuckin' Foghorn Leghorn. If I'm drunk, I might not sign my name and might sign a Foghorn Leghorn. So I'm in my natural element right now. I shit in my pants right now. I'm in my natural element right now. I shit in my pants right now. I'm in my natural element. I'm five.

I'm five. Where's my mommy? Just a lot of just... Ha ha ha ha! I am five years old. I shit my pants. Where's my mommy? Last time I saw my mom,

she was in the back of a quiz nose. So good. And, and, and, and I look, I get what he's saying, dude. I get what he's saying. He's relatable, but a guy don't be Okay, I don't want my president To be really I want my president or mayor or governor. I want them to be extra good Get sleep. Don't be drunk You know no one George Bush

Junior was the president everyone's like I love him because he's just like a regular guy. Hey, I don't want that. You know who I want to be president? Jesus. Okay? Hey, Jesus, I don't relate to you because you forgive everyone and I hate everything. So Jesus, be president. Um... Jesus be president What's the thing to call the nivity set then what do they call nativity set

If you want to find me at 1 a.m. I'm the back of a nut. What is it? Nativity I'm in the back of a nativity set I'm in the back of a nativity set. I am with a woman who had my child, but I did not fuck her. Immaculate conception and I'm drinking water and I'm put and I'm and it's holy. There are three men around me. They got long beards and they know so much shit. There's so much straw around, I'm itchy. You understand? Uh. Uh.

Fuck. I love that stuff. God damn. It's great. People just are just so mad at everything that it's just great because you can't do anything and be liked anymore. All right. Well, that's good.

Thank you very much. Appreciate you guys. Come see me in Europe. Come see me in Miami. Come see me in Houston and Utah and Boise. I'll be there soon. Pennsylvania. See you soon. Bye guys. You fucking fucker!