Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 458. Possess Me

Episode Date: August 7, 2025

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It is episode 458 of congratulations. it is a great man it's i had to let me just start by this well first of all let me start with the the um the i i just ate a a sandwich dude and you know what man some it's sometimes it's just a sandwich oh man like whoever figured out to put bread on the meats I bet that was probably the weirdest thing for people to do when they first started doing that. Like they were probably all like, what? Meat is meat and bread is bread. Are you kidding me?

And then some guy was just like, I'm just saying, try it. It was John Montague. I don't know who the hell John Montague is. I'm not boring. But my producer's saying it's John Montague, whatever. you know i don't care that's fine i don't care if it was nicholas cage it's just like to put bread and meat and then figure that out that had to be wacky dude and then people would start walking around you know they're on their horses and stuff just like uh you know you put it bread on

meat they go what no that's not true anyway i have scurvy and um that you know but it's good and then somebody made like they were like yeah okay oh yeah check this out though you ever try spread and they go what somebody made up like mustard or something and they go yeah no put that put the thing that we usually just put that on the bread too and on the on the bread no on the bread and then put the meat there you go no like just like that there you go and then now now now now close it over no yeah you put the top there put the top on it too yes both the bottom and the top yes now eat it i know eat it see that was literally exactly how it went that was it i'm telling you use the and and what we're

going to call it we're going to call it a sandwich why i don't know i'm john montague i call it whatever the hell i want uh but sandwiches sometimes you just put a sandwich in your mouth and you go oh are you kidding me right like here's what i ate today and this is very important important and is very interesting. I woke up. I didn't eat anything, had a coffee, uh, ate, uh, well, I don't remember, man. Can you, can you remember what you ate? Can you remember close your eyes? Can you think of what you're wearing right now? Because dude, I can't. I can now. I just put clothes on. It's laundry day. So, but dude, the, uh, yeah, I, I, I don't know what I ate today. So I, I, I'm I'm upset that I even thought about thinking of that

because I don't know, I don't know what I ate today, all right? What did I eat today, dude? I'm so, I ate, I know I had an earth bar shake, a protein shake after I worked the crunk out, dude. I worked out, I did squat. You know, it doesn't matter, but I'm back in my workout game and that's all good, but what I try to eat good and I do eat good. And then 11 p.m. happens.

and I go, what's open? And then, and then in my head, I say, only bad things. And then I go, well, I'm not going to half step it. You know what I'm saying? If it's past 11 and you want something to eat, you really want something good. You don't want to half step it. You don't get, you know, put a, you know, you don't mix up a bunch of tuna and put it into some greens and go like, hell yeah. Bedtime snack.

It's disgusting, dude. right tuna farts for your wife and uh and uh and um speaking of farts dude i was doing uh i was saying a calvin oh man i got a fart and i was playing his youtube video of different farts and he would be like is that real is that really real in real life

and i'm just like buddy actually he says this is so funny dude being five you know my my he said the other day i can't wait till i'm an adult and i go i am dude i remember thinking that i remember thinking that not only that i remember feeling that being like this sucks man i don't even like i can't dry i can't go anywhere can't do whatever i want you don't even realize that you can do kind of whatever you you know what my parents would be like trust me when you're an adult you'll want to be a kid again and i go like this nah dude it's so dope being a freaking adult and my son i'm gonna tell him now i'm not gonna lie to him like my parents did to me maybe they just kid that maybe they just

joke they kidded themselves but dude being an adult is the shit hey hey oh uh school no homework dude i up until I was about 35, I would weekly think it's so fucking awesome. I don't have any homework. That's how much I hated homework. Hey, dude, I remember being at school and just being like, these motherfuckers make you do school. And then you've got to go home. You're done with school, but you're not done with school.

What kind of fucking bullshit is that? And you know what? I'm going to, you got to keep that energy as an adult. You can't just change your mind because you're not a kid anymore. it sucks for all the other kids make them not have to i'm gonna i'm gonna fucking level with calvin oh you like look dude i don't care if you get all f's billy i don't care if you get all d minuses i don't care but you better have some sort of crazy talent like dad does okay dad goes up keeps this he first of all he makes the seats in the auditorium warm how he's only got one butt because people show up and sit in

to watch him speak because he's crazy talented, okay? And sometimes the seats feel a breeze. Why? Because they're standing. Why? Because either it's the end or he's saying some shit that just makes you have to get up like the Holy Ghost is involved, dude. That's why.

So you better be good at football. You better be good at whatever the new sport is in 2038. You better be good at VR, whatever, VR farming, whatever the fuck the thing is because I'll tell you right now get Fs, get straight Fs, get and that's fine if you could

throw a ball or hit something. It's fine if you could do magic. It's all good if you created the goat simulator. You know, whatever. My parents, you got to do well in school. Dude, you know, I know mostly adults listen to my podcast.

You don't, you don't, you got to do fine. You got to be, you know what? You got to be, you got to know what, you got to know, you got to make choices. You got to be decisive. You got to be, no, no, no, actually, no, this. That's what you got to be. And that's, that's true, dude, because here's the thing, too. Sometimes I would do when I was in, in Hollywood doing, you know, writing stuff and, you know,

would sell ideas and sell uh spec scripts and all that stuff and then and then we'd be like uh let's let's do it like this and if they weren't paying me to change it i go nah if i'm going to fuck this up i'm going to fuck it up on my own because if because here's the deal if it's fucked up and i can blame you i'm going to be so pissed off dude if i blame me look i love me okay yeah i get insecure yeah i feel less than a lot of the time but when it comes to fucking re you know what I mean? When it comes to knowing what kind of art I want to put out there or funny,

dude, I'm going to do what I'm going to do. And if it's going to be poorly received, it's going to be because of me. Anyway, dude, what are you saying all this shit? You know, right? So pay me to change it.

Otherwise, no. I'm going to be in Miami. I'm going to be in Houston. I'm going to be in Salt Lake City. Houston, Texas, go get tickets. Salt Lake City. Miami and Houston. are next, they're going to be the hottest places in the world. Salt Lake City, Boise, Boise,

Pittsburgh, Washington, D.C., Tulsa, Springfield, Missouri, Fort Smith, Arkansas, never been there. Chrisley.com, there's plenty of dates. I'm also got my Europe dates going on, so go check where I am. Hello, if you don't know, let's go check my website right now. You'll probably fucking see me for the first time ever. Um, live, that is, as you can say, me weekly on YouTube. But anyway, um, yeah. So I don't know what I go to Amsterdam, dude. I got to, I got to, you know, I got to see what's up with all these countries, dude. I got to go to all these countries.

And I don't mean to, because I told the lady, too, I was like, I'm going to Oslo. I'm going to Amsterdam. I'm going to London. I'm going to Copenhagen. I'm going to another one. And I was like, let's go, Dublin. And I was like, everyone's hit me up for Stockholm. So I say, go, try to book Stockholm too.

I'm getting there. And then, uh, she said, Manchester we're going to do. And I go, all right, cool. That's where Oasis is from. And so I'm going to put those on. I, I, I didn't put those on yet. But, but like, I'm like, dude, let me just get the fuck. Like, my friend was talking about India.

I'll do it. Dude, I don't want, India is the last place I want to go to. I will go. I will go. Dude. No offense. Or, you know, I don't care, whatever. I just, it's mostly the, all the gold.

I'm so, well, you think about India, you think it like that everything's gold color, you know. Russia, I would go, do I fucking, I would, I would go anywhere to do stand up, bro. Japan? Mosh, mosh, yes. Hello, everybody. how's it going the translator The translator

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Anyway dude I'm just happy there I'm just happy there that I'm You know Because remember in 2020 When everyone was like Careful because everything you think of is racist

You go well, I don't think I'm racist. And I go, wow, that makes you racist. And you're like, what? Real people who aren't racist, no, they're a little bit racist. And that's why they're kind of the smallest amount of racist. If you don't think you are, that's racist. And it's privileged.

And you're like, uh, everything is backwards. Everything was backwards from 2020 to 2020. We all know that. Okay. And it's like the, you know, uh, Sydney Sweeney, just take the Sydney Sweeney campaign with the American outfit. What is it? American Eagle.

And it's like, she's talking about how she has good jeans and some idiots are like, oh, that's, she's Hitler. Oh, American Eagle. Oh, cool. That's part of the third Reich. And you're like, uh, it's jeans. You know? And their stock soared after that.

So it's like, nobody gives a fuck. This is why I hate these companies, man. I hate all companies because they just want to make money. They don't care. If the woke shit kept going, it'd be Lizzo in those fucking jeans. If the woke kept going, it would be fucking Michael, uh, uh, what's the fucking, um, it'll be Michael, uh, God damn it, dude. I'm getting old.

Michael, magic Johnson's son with, in the fucking jeans. Yes, got out of it, dude. This is a true story. Right here in my town One night 17 kids woke up Got out of bed Walked into the dark

And they never came back I'm the director of barbarian A lot of people die in a lot of weird ways And you're not going to find it in the news Because the police covered everything well up On August day This is where the story really starts Weapons

It'd be that fucking, you know, queer eye for a straight guy thing. I don't, dude, I don't know, man. I don't know. I just keep, it's like, I've, I don't know. And so now they put Sidney Sweeback then some people are mad, but we're real, their companies are realizing that nobody cares. 17% up mark over the stock store and that's what cares. Oh, that's when I start caring.

I'll start caring about Karen when they start putting money and they don't, you know, dude, they're not fans anyway. Like this whole Joey Swole thing, he's back, by the way. Which are, you know, good. Good, he's back.

He said he's retiring from social media and a day later he made a welcome back video. Which is just so gangster. And, but yeah, Joey Swoll was the infathing. We talked to him on last time a little bit, but he made a Hulk Hogan thing. He was on Hulk, he did a Hulk Hogan dress up. And then people were like, yeah, but he said the N-word.

And Joyce Wool, like, I'm so sorry. I'm ashamed. I learned. I need to do better. And then people like, what the fuck are you doing? Fuck you, you idiot. And he was like, oh, fuck, I'm getting offline. And then he goes, yeah, is that even what they wanted?

You know, what ultimately do these people want? What do they want? Because when I was canceled way back in, you know, six, six, five, six years ago, uh, I was like, oh, I guess nobody ever wants me to do any standup anymore. And then I go on stage and I'm just, I'm like, oh, everyone showed up. What? Oh, the people that are mad are not your fans. And then you just go, uh, you do it, you do this, you do this stuff and then you get. And then they get mad if you go, oh, it's like, what do they want though because you would have

if I would have just quit comedy and then started doing if I started like learning computers and going to school and then like you know started working for Microsoft and then got like up the ranks there would still be people like dude

Microsoft is fucking what a piece of shit it's like what so you're at McDonald's you have to drive through you see jolly swall at McDonald's go like this it's that fucking guy fuck him you don't make I'm right into McDonald's just you know

I don't know is it making sense but it's just like it is what it is but he uh hmm he's back

and just people are online too much and living online too much is what it is it's because it doesn't really matter that much this stuff doesn't matter like I see are you at the point now where you see stuff online and you go oh that's interesting and then you immediately go oh this is just something that says that you know it works it works on you because you know we're still figuring it out online right the internet is everything now, but it wasn't 10 years ago. So, you know, you get to the point where you go, oh, uh, uh, that's interesting that happened.

And then you go, wait a second, did it? Or is it just a meme page? And you go, oh, I'm a fucking idiot. This is exactly who I hate, people who just take things, you know, uh, take people for their word. Everybody's fucking crazy. And you don't even know who the fuck is behind that meme count. It's all good.

I'm just, you know, just happy to be here. My son said the other day when I was going to the laugh factory, he saw me put on my jacket and he said that Billy said, that walk. And I was like, oh my God, my heart melted. And I have told that story to about five different people. Now, this is probably the fifth time I've said it. And I have not gotten.

the reaction that I have wanted each fucking time. Because the way he did it was, now I'm realizing it was way he did it was cute. The way he did it was cute. I told it to five fucking people, you know, and they were just like, yeah, it's cool. I'm like, oh, dude, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's cute.

Say it's fucking cute. Feel how it's cute. And then we can talk about whatever you want to talk about. Not whatever, but, you know. But, yeah. Am I really going to go to Miami? Like, am I thinking I am going to Miami? But am I thinking about how hot it's going to be?

Am I thinking about how the culture is, the culture is over there? Because I'll tell you what, I live over in the vet, man, I walk around. I'm in like the Thousand Oaks, Westlake Village, Agora, Calabasasas area. Sometimes I walk around this place in Southern California, you know, and I just, I'm like, I walk around the public, the public, you know.

And when I'm not getting recognized, I'm like, what's just, you know, I'm talking, I get recognized. I go to the airport, forget it. But it's just like, you know what I'm saying. But so if I'm walking around, if I just like go to, you know, If I'm at anywhere, a coffee bean will say, that's my spot. You know what I mean? Another coffee place doesn't matter.

The amount of people who are in shape is crazy. It's like I'm at the fucking Denver airport. For some reason, Denver and Salt Lake City, it's like if there's fat people, man, they must just stay inside. Because these, man, these fucking, man, fucking being ripped is so dope, dude. I'm going to get crazy lats. That's the thing. I want to be fucking crazy. I want to be latted out.

And I want to be, I want it to be like, just disgusting. You know what I'm talking about? Just disgustingly. Like I look like if I fucking fall backwards in a pool, I don't even go underwater. Just fucking like,

like disgustingly, uh, curved. Uh, you know what? want to look like the i want my upper body to look like the face of a cobra dude i just want to look nasty i want people to think that captain america is at ease when they see me that's what i want oh yeah oh you got your shield on your back dude i want i want someone to think that fucking splinter

just sent me out to go fight crime is what i want that's how i want my last to be okay now fine when i when i was really killing it in the lat game all right and i was dude and i don't want anyone to ever fucking say like you probably weren't because i was okay i was doing crazy back exercises along with my legs i was going to get to 20 uh pull-ups or the ones with the where the hands are out not in like a bitch out and I got to 19 and I never made it to 20 dude and now I can do fucking six fuck man

I'll do seven next time I really will no I will so um i don't know why you know i talk about work i i told myself i'm not going to talk about working out because i went crazy last time i started i started i started working out i went crazy in a podcast and it's like just it fucking charges me though man it's so good for your mental health somebody said this to me once and it's so true if if you're not working out at least four times a week, you have no right to bitch and moan about your feelings. Yes. And I'll tell you this much because, you know, it's like, you know what it's like?

It's like when you're in a relationship in the beginning of the relationship. What? And you're just fucking? What the fuck is this? Um, I don't know. why are my texts on my computer these aren't even my text on me oh man this is annoying this isn't even my this is my wife's stuff god dang it um what was i talking about oh yeah dude it's like when you're when you're when you're when you're when you're when you're married you do

do chris rock said this a long time ago and it's so true you only have problems if you're not fucking because when you're fucking you're you can't think about all your problems you put it way better than i am but like dude that's exactly what it's like when you've when you've got some people look i'm not you get depressed okay depression is real fine but dude go to the gym for because here's the thing you don't want to do anything when you're depressed you don't even want to go to the gym but if you make yourself and you start going and you go four times a week dude those problems become so little because you go i feel fucking great dude You know what I'm saying?

Anyway, you know, what I want to know is I go, so I go to this coffee bean. I found one in, hey, he found one. Yeah, but he's in West Lake Village. He's going to find one? Probably. And, yeah, who is it, Chris Talia? Oh, is he going to find a coffee bean in the Thelia? Probably.

Well, what the fuck, really? He's in this, he's in the Sahara. Really? You think I'll find one? Probably. Really? Well, who is it? Chris Delia?

A coffee bin and tea leaf? Really? I heard they're in America and only a little bit in Canada. But he's in the south of France. Do you think I'll find one? Probably. What the fuck? Are you kidding me?

Ibiza? Probably. Um. Anyway, I, you know, I found one. Um, and it's, it's, you know, I think it's a quiet take. Because here's the thing. I'm going to let you in a little secret.

I get coffee every single day multiple times a day. I go brazy for coffee, okay? And I'm going to let you in a little fucking secret. People say it's an acquired taste. I'm going to let you know a little fucking secret. And this is the truth. I don't like coffee. breaking free of the fucking lies, dude.

I like the ritual. I like the ritual of getting coffee. I like the smell of coffee. I like holding the coffee. I like taking it up to my lips. I like sipping it. And when it enters my mouth, I go, gross. And I swallow it, dude.

So you could say it's an acquired taste, but I didn't acquire it. You know what's an acquired taste? taste for real club soda and i i get i'll get into the heart hitting issues but this is the hardest shit i get into the i i i drink club soda and i go man i did not like club soda when first rank it bro when i started drinking it again after i didn't like it after i'm an adult when i stopped drinking soda and i go out but i need the bubbles it was odd and popping dude i i i swear to god dude whatever you know what i talk about it i don't know i agree but it's um it's fantastic and I don't like coffee and I go to the coffee bean and it's fine but there's always

and I've said this since the beginning of this podcast man and the babies know and it's the truth I thought maybe in Westlake Village, Thousand Oaks area there wouldn't there would just be normal people at the coffee beans or Starbucks or whatever and there's not there are, but there are always two crazy people in a coffee shop. One or two. Not zero. You might think it's zero, but keep going to that place. You realize a person, oh, they're there again. Oh, they're there again. Oh, what is that person doing? They're there too much. That's a crazy person. And one day, that guy's going to be me. And the other guy's going to be retired. And that's fine. But it's not me yet. I go in. I get the coffee. I'm nice about it. I talk about this.

but dude there's like guy that's there's a few people in coffee shops there's guy that's always smiling right guy dude hey take the corners of your mouse and put them a little bit lower what are you smiling at there is a guy that goes to the coffee shop that i go to that is just sitting there and smiling and then he sits there i go i've i've gone twice in a day he's there okay i wasn't sure who was crazy at first the other day i heard him i heard dude i heard him walk up to the cash register and say you know what now he was there already he was already had drank coffee he had been sitting there a while all right and he walks up to the cash register and he says um You know, I think I'll, I think I'll have a grilled cheese.

Look, that's okay. But I didn't like how he was shopping. Okay. Like, if you're walking around, like, I'm so hungry. Oh, coffee bean has some shit. I'm going to go in there, see what they have. Oh, yeah, avocado toast. But if you go to coffee bean and you're chilling,

And you're like, let me go fucking check out this menu here. Oh, yeah. Yeah, let's do a grilled cheese. Dude, take a hike. Also, stop smiling. But that's who smiles, right? Motherfuckers who are just so out to lunch. Literally, he's out to lunch.

And out to lunch. But, dude, it's just, there's always a guy smiling. And then there's another guy who you're not sure if he's homeless or not. And that's fine. Maybe he's not. But he's got like a lot of shit in his car. And that guy usually is like, has a shirt on that's too small.

Because there's another one of those guys there. And there's another guy. And every time I walk by this fucking crazy guy, he's always on his phone logging into something. He's the most logging in. Logging ass in motherfucker I have ever met. I haven't met him.

he's the most logging in ass motherfucker dude i can't believe how much the guy doesn't remember his passwords and he's typing it in always the phone doesn't have the key password on it he's always like with one finger trying to log in motherfucker dude and the other dude is across the way just smiling eating a grilled cheese bro and that's fine that's life but it's like dude in l.a in hollywood i understand but i got to deal with that shit in westlake village it's fine it's fine it's what i'm saying is it's unbelievable that it doesn't stop no matter where you are you'd be a goddamn boy well boise forget it yes boise boisey for sure will be that way because boisey is an up and coming on and pop in town and it's being gentrified which means it's going to bring up

the cradies crazies not only that the homeless people are still going to be there not only that they're going to have artsy people there and you know what that means they're going to be so annoying dude artsy people god damn bless you but we're feeling good and i worked out today and so when i work out also the podcast the podcast is better and also i ate a sandwich dude because i deserved it fuck you bro fuck yeah i am 45 though and i think that the window of me eating in and out might be over. Just really.

I don't know. It's just too much, you know. Matt Rife bought the dollhouse, the Conjuring House. I would say, so the Annabelle, is that that one? I don't even know. Matt Rife has purchased a home that the conjuring was based on. He's now the legal guardian of the original Annabel doll

and over 700 other cursed artifacts. He plans to reopen the house for tours and overnight stays. Well, the thing about this is nothing is haunted, you know? That's the thing I don't get, man. It's crazy that this is a business. But, you know, you believe it. Look, if you believe something's haunted, it's haunted. You're scared, and so you're being haunted.

You're being haunted by fear, all right? So even if ghosts and apparitions and spirits, even if they don't exist, you're still being haunted, but you're being haunted by your mind, all right? I remember when I was a kid. Somebody told me a story about how one time she woke up in the middle of night and there was a ghost sitting on her legs and she couldn't move. and she was so terrified and she couldn't move her legs

she was so terrified that she was so scared that she went back to sleep and never knew anything else about it and as a kid I go oh piss my pants scary it fucked me up now I realize

that woman had a fucking dream and it literally hit me one day I just go like this oh what the fuck that was a dream I hadn't thought

about it in years I go oh yeah that's okay what's your okay but the Annabelle

doll dude it's always a doll or it's a you know what about what about the ghosts why are there

no new ghosts right what about ghosts that haunt you ghosts that haunt you they never look they never look dope right I'm saying like

they don't like a lot of people die out when they're out clubbing you know what about the fucking Molly overdose the you know what about the person who's who dies from

fentanyl because they were sniffing coke all night and they're just like the Roxbury guys where's that ghost a little different when it comes to that, right?

Oh, and you see it it's fucking Chris Catan and that shiny blue shirt. You go, oh, I'm not scared. Most of the people that died are, are they, you know, why do they always look like they churned butter last week? I'm talking about

people die. Who, what's his name? Hulk Hogan. he he's out there somewhere right you know what i'm saying if he haunted you and he showed up brother oh you'd be oh oh you go i got the fucking hulk ghost you go fuck yeah dude you've been eating your vitamins working out and praying he's like i'm just glad at my heaven there's no blacks um brother uh

yeah i don't know it's just uh it's just it's just it's just horseshit i don't know i'm tired of horseshit and then people are like you can't remember once dude you ever have one of those when you're a kid you hear something and you go oh i can't really argue with that

and then you get to the age where you go man i could have fucking knife i could go back in time and argue that that happened recently i remember some guy uh said um to me when he was trying to like get me in a religion when i was a kid he was like you know if you don't believe in god is it people say can't believe in god you can't uh you can't believe in god because you can't see him and i respond always with you can't see air you know it's there and in my head i go fuck he got me and now i'm like yeah but you can breathe it you can and i go man i wish i said that when i was fucking eight to that bitch ah you know i mean

but i didn't and he just kept on living and that's fine it's good that he kept on living but he kept on he thought he made a point there and he didn't make a good point because you can breathe there yeah you can't see it but you breathe breathe it okay um yeah i don't believe anything that haunting because my whole thing is dude hey co hey ghosts go ahead go ahead are you kidding me you think i don't want to be possessed what

do you know how many problems i would fucking solve dude i mean dead serious dead serious oh first of all first of all uh i'm not worried about anything anymore except get this ghost out of me yeah that's a stressful situation but at least i'm not like oh man i hope my wife cooks tonight how do i bring it up fuck those thoughts huh one thing it would be like you're in a a bike race The only thing you're thinking of is the bike race. You're like, I hope I win.

You're not thinking, oh, fuck, man, you know, this is, oh, my, my, this person's dying. I got that going on. I got a cat, I got problems with cash. I got, I want to fucking, I need to switch the, my, my life insurance. Bro, you're just riding, man. Possess me. I'll have one mission. Get this fucking ghost out of me.

Yeah. Dude, you think a ghost gives a shit about what car they drive? No, I do I go, I don't want to I fuck my car's in the shop I gotta drive around now in a Subaru, everyone's going to see Chrisley in a Subaru.

Bro, if I'm possessed, I'm in the Super Roo, windows down, screaming out Niflor's nice deskis Nervourn-Desh, dag. I don't give a fuck, man. Foaming at the mouth, eating live bats.

get this ghost out of me that's bro it would be so fraying it's like cycling or fucking you're thinking of one thing that's why i like stand-up comedy so much because all i'm thinking of what i'm doing stand-up comedy is oh fuck uh i'm up here better be doing good afraid to be busy fuck that dude the second somebody from the 1910s just enters my body, dude, I'm, hey, dude, you know what? Fuck it. I'm you now. That's me. You made your bed. We're going to lay in it. I'm you now. Come on. Now, come on. Let's learn how to drive new cars, you fucker. Come on. Look. Yeah. Over here. You ever heard of eating kale? Yeah. Uh-huh. I know. You thought it was just what decorates in the fucking frozen food section in the

supermarkets. Nope. We eat it now. Eat it. And you make the fucking 1910 guy eat kale. And he's like, what the fuck is this? And you go, well, you're eating it now and we're both shitting it. And by the way, we're going to be wearing some fucking dope shit. You wear uncomfortable things. And when we swim, we're not wearing a one piece. Remember when men would wear one piece, you know, a one piece swimsuit that went over their shoulders? The fuck out of here. Hey, dude, Mr. 1910, this is what we're doing.

We're getting board shorts. I'm jumping in with the fucking. Billabong shorts. Well, that's Bellabong. Go ahead, twist my head around. I don't give a fuck. I'm in the pool. Go ahead, make me talk backwards.

I don't give a shit. I'm getting coffee bean. Yeah, can I get four shots over ice? Nifler. Eyes. Bye. Get in my Subaru. Eating live bats.

Kids are like, Can't we just go to McDonald's? Nah! We got bats! The fuck happened to Dad. What happened to Dad? And why is he so into the...

Why is he so into farming? What happened to Dad? How can he only listens to the ukulele? did you eat your breakfast kids it's a most important meal of the day it's not just propaganda from kellogg dad what the fuck are you talking about oh shit breakfast the most important meal my day suck my dick dude you ever think of that breakfast the most important meal on my day fuck you dude suck my dick kelog kiss my whole ass dude all around it pepper it up because that's ridiculous most important meal a day breakfast why so it gives you enough energy to sustain you

shut up dude give me a banana let's go give me a coffee let's go I'm going to eat the shit out of dinner and then I'm going to fall asleep hard and that's that's that bro I'll eat a sandwich of all sleep by three I was a part of my own day my fucking asshole Anyway, dude, you know It is what it is But it's just like Shout out to my bro-in-law

Turbo Mike It never gets old when you say Aussie accent Deborah patch me through to Stein Because we both truly bond over this pod P.S. Let me use your Netflix. That is a holler For fans of grunge rock music

Go listen to the new Thunderball EP from Australian band Gold Sox loud, heavy, and unmissible. Out now on Spotify and Apple Music. Go listen. Go to holler dot baby slash Christa Leah if you want to get a shout out on this podcast.

Gold Sox. Huh? So James Bond villain. We don't like band names. Music is crazy because you know how I always talk about how I don't listen to music? I just drive. And I just chill.

I think in my head or maybe I'll listen to it. podcast dude i found something on apple music where it's like oh uh your your month in review of music all right and i go oh shit did they do that for me i barely listened so i go let's just check a month out i went to july the music that i listened to um This is what I listened to in July. I listened to a hundred and ninety three minutes of music in June. That's gangster.

Okay? Because I don't give a fuck about me. And that was just July. I picked July. Who knows what I listened to in June? I think in June and May, probably let you know what you know what okay you want me to put my money where my mouth is here we go let's go to fucking apple music and find out what the what the hell

how do you find it out it popped up and i was like oh i'm going to find that out recently played um find your mood stations for you um clips fans like hmm here we go all all replay replay 25 replay and share your top music of the month but what would I share uh replay 24 look at these guys these are the clip replay 23 oh wow they go all the way back huh little baby replay 20 to wow that goes back so far oh wow okay let's look at let's look at here um so in 25 the the the the the thing the things i've listened to the most are why you always hating by the way that song came out when is it was like four years ago or some shit no no i was like 10 okay so

that's that's it but that's fine that's fine but i i what i want to know is replay i don't want I don't replay. Oh, whatever. Can't find it now, of course. Anyway, dude, in July, I listened to 193 minutes of music, and this is what the people I, this were the people I listened to.

There are only five. Okay? One is a rapper named Key Glock. All right. And the only reason why I even listened to it is because Ernest, the country singer, texted me that I had to listen to it. And so I put it on, and it was very good.

But I listened to it for 55 minutes, okay? Which means it was on, I guess, for the whole album. Number two, I listened to Ra Kim for 28 minutes. And that's because we had that episode where I was like, I was born in New York City, City, City. Dung, Dung, Dung, Dung, the Bronx. Remember that episode? I listened to it after that a bunch, okay?

28 minutes. By the way, it's like four times, right? After that, number three, Tupac, 13 minutes. You know, he's my favorite. Number four, I listened to the rapper, the rapper Richie Rich. And the only reason why I listened to it, because he's got a song with Tupac. So I was listening to Tupac and I go, wait, what's that Ritchie Rich song? I listened to that song, I listened to that song.

And 12 minutes. So I heard it four times maybe. Number five, Hardy. Nine minutes of Hardy. And that's it. I listened to nothing else. And because I went to the Hardy concert and I was like, yeah, let's listen to Hardy. They're getting a Hardy and watch it.

Dude, I don't listen to music, man. You think I ain't about it. I am about it. I'm about it with the silence. Um Anyway Happy Gilmore 2 came out and that's cool

I think that there should be a law and you know this is I know a lot of the people involved the Happy Mort is where we're going to but there should be a law dude if you don't make the sequel in 10 years you can't okay uh i didn't see happy go more two

you know i don't know if i will or not i don't really watch comedies but it's like when they women they made the matrix they made a sequel they're the fucking 20 years later you go we all forgot and those movies well especially comedies they'll just ride off nostalgia you know like bob barker if he was still alive he would definitely be in how i big more two just no question um yeah it's just weird how they just keep making uh man i saw a little bit of fast and furious the other day i i actually i can't even believe how bad those fucking stupid movies are who watches who actually is like Even ironically, who's like, got to watch Fast and Furious.

You can't mean it's going to be hysterical. Who watch it? First of all, who watches it like that? Second of all, who really is actually like, damn, I got to go see that movie. This one actually looks dope. And then who's the person who's like, I can't wait until fucking nine comes out. Eight was fantastic. Mamoa?

Are you kidding me? Oh, dude. Need. Momoa? And he's going to play a guy that he's going to play a guy. gay, even though it's not in the script that he's gay, but he's going to be gay in it? In, I just, I, I, I turn on this one part, you know, and, and these, Vin Diesel was talking to Jason Mamoa, and they were like, the guns were drawn.

There was a bunch of, a group of people, two teams, you know, you had the, the, the Mamoa guys, and then the, the, um, the Vin Diesel guys, all right? and they were holding, I mean, there had to be at least 50 people in this, you know, squad. And Mamo, Mamosa is looking at Vindiesel and they're like, you're going to do it? You know, I don't know what they're saying, but they're just like, you're going to do it? And then Vind Diesel's like, you're going to do it? And then Mamosa's like, I'll do it. And Diesel's like, you're going to do it.

And then, and in everyone, everyone on all sides have two guns out pointing at the other side. And it's like, what the fuck is, first of all, if there's a gunfight, what is this strategy? Everyone just dies immediately? You're going to do it. You're going to do it. You got to do it. Everybody. Boop, boop, boop, boop.

A car alarm goes off. And, um, and, and so I'm like, so then Vindiesel's like, nah. And he just goes, you know, it's so funny. He's thinking, is it, you know, this has happened at least, at least once. Vin Diesel, while acting in that movie, has farted during the scene. And that's utterly hilarious. And they used one of the take. There's absolutely, there's one take at least that they used where he farted in the

middle and silently, but he did it, dude. So you're not that badass. Okay, Vin. Vince. I'm not just saying Vin anymore. I decide how long or short your name is going to fucking be. Your nickname. Anyway, dude.

He goes, you're going to do it. And then Vin Diesel is like this. Nah. Let's race instead. And it's like, dude. And then everyone goes, yeah they went from two guns in everyone's faces to oh fuck yeah dude count to three let's see who's faster dude here's the stupidest part about vin vinz diesel his real name isn't vince it's mark

that dude Mark Sinclair the most British ass motherfucker Nass hello I'd like to change my name Hello

name Yes I'd like to change my name Calling up Hello this is name changers Yes hello my name is Mark Sinclair I'd like to be a tough American All right

We've got Let's see what we've got here We've got We've got the name Chet no i don't think that'll right vin yeah yeah what's a vin like vince

i don't know it's just kind of vin oh i'll take vin what can i what do you got for last names uh we have we have pussy fucker nah that's a little bit on the nose huh we have diesel yeah it's got

oh that's great thank you very much dude I um how much oh my god that is so much money I'm going to be mental, well, I'll play it. That's absolutely mental, mate.

Are you mental? Don't expect to stick my marks and clam, but you're going to charge an arm and a leg. Anyway, dude, you know, it's like the worst movies of all time. hey ludicrous is in it bro how crazy is that like where does ludicrous live wow did that roast together me and him A roasts are so stupid, dude. They can be good, obviously. Like, Kill Tony's got the shit going on. It's popping.

And, you know, it's the thing. And that's awesome. But, like, when they used to do it, like, for Comedy Central, and they would do, like, hey, they're going to roast. fucking uh pat benatar look who's on the dais shack and you're like what and shacks is like who's pat benatar i'll do it because i do it because i'll do anything i'm the voice of bengay i'm the voice of bengay and that fucking little cartoon army guy for car insurance the general I'll sell anything.

I'm a hooker, basically. Who you roasting? Not even real. Aunt your mama, let's go. Who you guys roasting? Jiminy Cricket? I'm in. Jimmy Crickets.

He's just fucking saying jokes that, like, fucking, you know. Jiminy Cricket is so crickety that when he put his legs together, he shit. and you got to act like you like laugh it like love it just laughing it's just like dude i remember they kept being like chris you got to laugh real keep laughing laugh hard man it's this it's gonna look weird and i'm like god damn they want me to fucking laugh even harder it's just not a funny not not no hate it's just like i what's that funny dude all right this this week on comedy central we're it's the roast of a guy from target we found

on the dais shack this guy is this guy saw him on out nine and he was looking for the plungers brought to you by ben gay cuts to shack i put this on me Oh, icy hot. Maybe it's icy hot. Not Bengay. I'll be drinking that coffee, though. Dude. Billy was like,

more coffee, more coffee because he was drinking hot chocolate and he just wants to get coffee now because that's hot chocolate. That's coffee to him. So funny. And Calvin was like, can we go to coffee me?

I was like, hell yeah, you're me, bro. And we went, and I said, said, sure. And he says, yeah, I think I'll get a hot vanilla. I was like, okay, cool. And he says, and you know what, you can get something too if you want. The audacity, dude. That's, you know what, that's something, that is so something a chick that I would be dating in,

when I was 30 would say, and I would be so fucking mad that she said that that way. But it's my son and I love him. You get some two if you want. Oh, oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, yeah? Is that right, sweetie doll? When Calvin said, and I was just like, that's so cute, man. Hell yeah. Maybe I will. And you know what?

I didn't. I just went in, got a hot vanilla. The guy with the fucking smiley face was there and the other dude trying to log in somewhere. That's it. Thank you very much. Subscribe, like, and also join our Patreon. Patreon.com. We'd love it.

You keep the podcast alive. See you in Miami, Houston, St. Louis, or Salt Lake City. You're up, a bunch of different places. Chris Lee.com. B.