Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 459: You Get One Stabbin'

Episode Date: August 14, 2025

Get a shoutout on Congratulations: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠holler.baby/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🎤 Watch GROW OR DIE on YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠���⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠WATCH⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week Chris is back with Pokemon cards, marital arguments, and tales from Miami. Plus his computer's broken, so that's great. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram, X, and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠instagram.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🕺 TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠tiktok.com/@chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🎮 Twitch: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠twitch.tv/chrisdelialive⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 𝕏 X: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠x.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 👤 Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk Hello guys and welcome to the newest episode And every week it's the newest episode of congratulations Crazy Crazy Crazy, Crazy, congratulations I believe it's episode 459. But look, it's like, you know, every week we have the newest episodes. So that's just fantastic.

I don't know if most podcasts are doing that. We took a week off of the Wight of Lifeline. So if you're a subscriber to Super Good Studios. that we we took a week off because we had to um but we are back next week like uh you know just like you know look i don't think we've ever taken a break so but um it is what it is and uh i got to tell you man i first of all i'm going to houston i've been doing these club dates this summer as you know

I got my Europe dates and I got my you know I got Salt Lake City coming up Boise, Washington, D.C., you know I think Pittsburgh go to chrisley.com see all my dates

and get tickets but I've been doing these club dates and you know last time I did Huntsville Alabama and it was you know it was fine

it's not my market I did Miami for the first. And I've been staying away from Miami. And, you know, I don't know if it's been really hardcore on purpose or not. But it's just kind of been like, yeah, you know, if it works out fine, you know, there are places like, oh, Seattle, I want to, you got to book it. When's Vancouver? When's, when's, when's Toronto? So when's, when's Austin?

When's Dallas? These are the ones that I'm, you know. And Miami's always been like, that's a, you know, it's one of those places where you would, anytime you perform somewhere where there's another thing that's going to be happening after the show for the couple, it's, you just go, oh, this is not going to be that great of a show because it's not even going to be the highlight of the night seeing you because, you know why because they're going to go to uh space 11 and uh whatever the the new club is and and they're they're not even going to they're going to be by the time i go to sleep that night or morning whatever

it is it's going to be like oh dude we went to that comedy show remember and those are yeah i like to be the look dude i don't have to be but it's nice when i'm the thing you know and in miami the thing is always oh dude but remember uh uh what's hovi got got stabbed that that remember that that number that night and they go oh hell yeah that was the thing that night Harvey got stabbed okay uh because um yeah like somebody got arrested at my show and it's fine guy got arrested because he was like one of those guys that was like i know chris and i don't they came back they're like you know this guy i was like i don't know this guy like he says he got stabbed at your show in oakland i'm like oh yeah okay i know that

guy but i don't know him but i know him as the guy that got stabbed at my show in oak he's like yeah well he lives in miami and he's here now and apparently he was he's on coke and he had to bound and they were like they were gonna maybe kick him out and it's like okay whatever we got to do i don't know him it's like okay we just wanted to check and then And he caused a scene and the cops came and they arrested him. And I'm just like, hey guy, your track record is bad at comedy shows, you know, you're getting stabbed and you getting arrested. And then he got unarrested because he's like, fine, I'll pay the bill. And then he left the Miami Improv and then got arrested again.

So you got arrested twice at one of my shows and then stabbed. Okay. Now, you got stabbed in Oakland. You got arrested in Miami. These are two places where those kinds of things happen. Okay. But at some point, you got to be like, you know, you get one stabbing, right? You go, oh, he got stabbed? You might be like, what happened? Right? Let me get the information. You get stabbed. You get one stabbing. You get stabbed. And then years later, you get arrested and then you get arrested again. And then, you know what I mean? like, this is the thing. You belong in Miami, basically, is what it is. You belong in Miami or jail or jail in Miami. So, you know, it's you, is what I'm saying. And I, you know, I'm not trying to look, I love all the, you know, I love all my fans.

I mean, not all of them, honestly. Some of them, some of them have killed people probably. But I'm just saying, thanks for coming to this show. Stop getting arrested and stabbed. And so, but Miami, the man. shows, the Miami Improv, you know what, the last Miami Improv, I was called the Coconut Grove, I don't know what the heck it was called. It used to be called

something. It was like so hard. It was a hard room. This new Miami Improv, shout out to Melissa and Justin, the killer tag team that are there, they work there at the Improv, and it's just a great club. They've really turned that club. I mean, they'd opened five, six years ago. And they've turned it into a banger of a room. It's one of the best improvs.

It's one of the best comedy clubs. It was fantastic, dude. The crowd was awesome. And I hadn't been to Miami in a long time, and they made me feel very welcome, so thank you very much. And I ate Cuban food. And let me tell you something, dude.

Justin goes like this. He's one of the managers of the club. He says, I got to ask you, I know, sometimes people are weird with diet restrictions, but we got some Cuban food in Sunday. I offered to all the comics. If you want to have, I was like, yeah, sure. Okay, sure.

fine i was like you know immerse me in the coach you know immerse me in a coach uh right because bien benvenido right so i get i i i i i sunday happens and he goes i got that food for you gives me the food i eat it and i just it's like it's um a sh a i mean i ate it so quick it was so good it was so good, I go, oh, this is, this has got to be really bad for you, right? Because it's a problem. Because if I lived here, I eat this every day and bienvenido, you know, right? If I lived in Miami, every day I would eat this and be invenito. Okay, I'm, I guess I'm Cuban now because, because it's so, it's so, it's so, it was so good.

And I get on state, I, and I, bro, and my buddy, Atheon Crockett came, came by. he's another comedian he's great look him up but he um uh came by to chill he's using miami you know miami's one of those places where you're in it and then people start hitting you up and they go hey you're in miami dude i'm in miami right and i'm like oh yeah come too makes you feel cool anyway a fearing came by and uh i was i was about to go on stage they brought put the food down and aphian goes bro you eat before you go on on on uh on stage and i And I, and you know what, dude, I came here to say on this podcast, I do. I eat, I eat before I go on stage.

You know why? Wana. People say you shouldn't do it because of the indigestion. Do I get it? You know what the answer to that question is? I don't know. Will I get it? I don't know.

Wana. Hey, I, dude, here's something that I do, all right? And I've been doing it. And I'm so happy that I've understood this early on in life. I eat when I want. Yes, dude. Yes. And let me explain, all right?

Because you're probably like, yeah, well, that's not, you know, I can imagine me talking to Brian Callaney. He's like, that's not something that you should be, you know, you don't, because they're not on the level. They don't get what I'm saying. They don't understand the simplistic nature of how convoluted and complex life can be. When I say I eat what I want, I simply mean. I eat what I want.

Sorry, when I want. I'm fucking it up already. I eat when I want. Okay. And I mean, here's what I mean. I'm just going to tell you guys. It's very interesting.

I know it doesn't sound interesting, but it is interesting. If dinner is at 6.30, dude, and i know that and i knew that the day before and it's four 30 p.m and i'm hungry i don't wait there it is fucking old computer sucks the old computer because and let me tell you

why I have the old computer now this is great but I eat what I want when I want dude I eat when I want if it's an hour before dinner I'm hungry I don't wait fucking yes

the delay I mean did I even hit it I don't even know if I hit it at this point I guess not. So I basically what I was saying is the computer, why I'm in the old computer. Okay, great. This is why I have the old computer. I hit the five, by the way, hit the renter's thing.

It didn't work. Okay. It's great. It's right there. It's not working. That's great. That's fine. Did the other ones work?

Not work. It's okay. It was working. It just worked. You heard it. Anyway, it's all good. I'll do them. I'll do it myself.

But boom. the reason why we don't have the stings and the reason why we don't have the well that's creepy tell them more about that the reason why we don't have them is because dude i got in the most quintessential argument with my wife of all time okay i mean i might even turn this know a bit it's so it's such horror i go okay so i'm i'm i'm i'm i'm my wife breaks everything said it he said it he said but she does she goes like this oh she goes like this here's something i'm using the pen right here for those you're listening i'm using a pen here's something i'm using look draw use pen pen pen okay all done that's her okay breaks so got her a computer broke right be you know why because that's why

because she's leaving it around okay uh three she throws caution to the wind she throws the wind she throws the computer in the wind okay and so her hers breaks and i now she goes hey chris can i use your computer and i go well yeah sure i guess yeah what happened look at mine and it's yours looks like just you know the top is just slid off on the bottom it looks like a fucking uh you know a messy hamburger and i'm just like all right well okay sure and then i go start doing the row and i'm like i want to bring my computer and she's like but then i can't all right i guess i won't bring my computer on i don't know you use my computer and so then uh i'm on the road with no computer which is fine i don't really need my computer it's fine okay i don't really need my computer but then like shit starts happening

where i'm on my computer and then it goes ding and i'm like what the fuck is that noise and i look and someone's texting me and i'm like who is this and it's my wife's friend and it's signed in for my wife so now my computer's not my computer anymore okay that's not the end of the world because i can switch out and use my you know profiles change it whatever okay so i go all right as long as i have it for my podcast now what do we know about my wife she breaks stuff when she finishes thing she goes like this Oh, I'm doing with these sunglasses. Okay.

So sunglasses, they're either going to break when they hit the ground or someone's going to step on them because you throw them somewhere. Right? Or a cat's going to piss on them or something, you know. And so I have frustration. And I, you know, if I see. If I say something like, well, it's kind of frustrating you break a lot. She goes, well, yeah, but, you know, I'm, it's a bit of mom and just like, I'm like, okay, I'll eat my dick.

I'll eat, I'll, you know what, dude, I'll actually eat my own dick. I should have never said something. Right. Well, if you were the one who did the, and you were the one that, and you were the one that, and the thing is, is that I was cooking dinner. So, yeah, so, yeah, okay, and I go, I'm, you know what? I actually was, I couldn't hear you because I was, because I was chewing my own dick too loud. That's why, all right? You understand?

It's like chips. When you're watching a movie, you have to what the subtitle's on. Right? My dick was too crunchy. And, um, so I, we're zooming. And I noticed that her, uh, Zoom, no, not Zoom, or FaceTime. I noticed her FaceTime call with the boys because, you know, FaceTime, by the way, FaceTime is awesome, dude.

When I'm on the road and I'm just, and the boy, and I'm just with the boys talking and like, and I go, man, this sucks. It must have sucked for my dad when he was out going on voyages. And so I'm talking, I'm talking and I realize that, you know, a lot of times we're on FaceTime, you see the backgrounds, you know, people are walking, the background's bouncing. And it's not happening.

So I go, hey, are you FaceTime and from my computer to me? And she's like, yeah. And I go, wow. And I'm fine with it. Now, do I have a little bit of frustration because she always breaks her things? Yes. Do I know that when my things become her things, they have a higher percentage of breaking? Yes.

Now, I'm talking to her. So I'm grateful, actually. that I have a computer that she can use. Am I grateful? Yes. So I bury the frustration. So that's how good. I get to talk to my boys.

We're wrapping up the phone call, FaceTime, and I say, all right. Well, anyway, just make sure you take care of my computer because, you know, I don't want it to get messed up. Okay. Hey. Whoops. I said that because then she goes, yeah, of course, what do you think I'm going to do? And I go, oh, now, the truth is what I think's going to, well, you know what? It's less safe with you.

All good, right? But that's just percentage-wise, right? Because this is you. I'm done with this, Sharpie. Right? So percentage-wise, I go. I go, well, it's a computer just like, you know, it's headed for a disaster.

Percentage-wise, the percentage is a lot of higher. It's hard for a disaster, but it's okay. But she, she's annoyed, I say that. So she goes, yeah, it's fine. Then Billy, my second born, takes a Hot Wheels car, and throws it at the FaceTime. And everybody, Billy, Calvin, and my wife go like this. And I go, what happened?

And she said, Billy just threw the car and broke the computer. And I said, God damn it. Whoops. So she's like, well, it's all right. And I was like, no, it's, yeah, it's an accident, buddy. Because Calvin's like, what's wrong? I'm like, it's an accident, buddy. Don't worry.

So she hangs up. Whoops, dude. Hey. Oh, dude. I love the fellas. listening to this right now because you get it you get it dude hey how about us fellas we didn't do shit wrong right yes dude but we but we're gonna but we are busy we stay not hearing anything because we're crunching our own dicks right because it doesn't matter and i go back to that

saying that i hate you want to be happier you you want to be right. And I, you know what, dude, you can be both. But my computer's broken, her computer's broken. And guess what? And she goes, well, it's not my fault. And I go, no, I'm not saying it's your fault. There's just a higher percentage of a chance that it's going to end in disaster when you're using it. Fellas, what do we do? We crunch our dicks. I just, and then just like, I'm like, that's hilarious that I said, you know, I can't let it go, right? You can't let it go, right?

I try to let it go. But I'm like, it's hilarious. I said, hey, can you be careful with the computer? I guess it really did. I guess I really did have to say that right. And she's like, well, it's not my fault. I'm like, no, no, no, no. I know.

But I do it. It's funny that you rolled your eyes when I said it, but I actually did it. Boy, oh boy, bro. You know, I don't know. It's just, when I, sometimes I think, like, whoever designed us, it's, like, totally unfair. Why didn't they make it so, uh, why didn't they make it so you could just be like, sup, bro, the chicks? You know?

Why did that? Why, why did, why did, why did, why did, why did they make it so we're so different? What do I do? Right. When I'm with, like, my, my dude and nobody's saying shit, we might not say shit for a fucking hour. But here's the thing. If you're with a woman or a woman, you're with a man, you'll feel a, way over that.

Like, I will either be like, how come she hasn't said anything for an hour? Or she'll say, you can, you're right? why can't you just be like so oh man but um so yeah anyway i was in i was in miami all my computers are broken and it's all good so i am trying to make do with this computer it's my business it's all broken I was in Miami And it was raining and hot At the same time Miami does this thing

Where it's like, we're hot But yo, check it out There's gonna be water all over you too How long? Ah, 20 minutes Oh no, bring a raincoat Bring a raincoat in an umbrella So you have to, so bring it

So you get to the place And then you have to carry it Even though you don't need it anymore Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we'll fuck you up I'll make y'all uncomfortable I mean, dude You might as well be walking around the dildo in your ass it's so fucking you don't know what the we got a cold front coming in um and

we got we have a some rain we got some showers showers are going to be uh we got the time for the showers we don't it's actually yes we do have the time it's going to be when you're uh already out that's when their showers are hitting uh so you're not going to know what to wear or we're going to have the showers going all day and then when you're out we're going to have the showers stop and then we've got a dildo front coming into the back of your eyewness We're going to have a dildo front, a front of dildos in your butt, because that's going to be uncomfortable. And we're just going to kind of pull them in and out. The weather in Miami, just a pull a, we're having, Sibby, attack of the Sibians.

Because, oh, Scott, um, yeah, so anyway, I, you know, I stayed at this hotel and it was just fine, but it was just raining. all the time and not raining too so that's miami but i ate this cuban food dude before i went on stage and it was so good justin didn't steer me wrong and i'm on stage and i go huh am i going to ship myself and i go no i'm not going it's actually okay and then i go oh wait a minute the food's trying to come up the other way right so i get off stage and I sit down and I'm so nauseous from this food, I guess, you know? And since I told you, I eat when I want, I went back to my hot tarma and I ate a fucking Snickers and I don't give a shit.

And guess what? It all worked out. So come on, life. You know, I'm just trying to tell you, do you? Come on, life. I, uh, what's up with the, um, I, uh, what's up with the, um, um, um, I've been looking up, actually, I've been actually looking up a lot of stuff back. Real good stew. The stew.

It's good. Oh, it's tough. Well, actually it sure has got... Dude, this is a stew, a beef stew ad. This is the thing you never know what's going to be AI and what's not anymore, you know? Like, you could just make this with Genesis. But this is an old 1950s beef stew ad. Real good.

too. The stew. It's good. Abusive. Oh, so abusive. Well, actually, it sure has got a lot of beef in it. It's got a lot of beef in it. I mean, dude, that's actually, this is this right here is the most accurate conversation.

Period. Why do we veer so away from actual shit that happens in marriage? Now it's like, the husband's like, whoa, whoa. well hey and the wife's like Phil this shit what I said the beef

this stews got fucking beef in it you broke my computer poison in him the daughter yeah I guess beef stew is a lot of work oh wow

not too much maybe we can have A little more often? Sure. You know what? What? I even like the carrots. Ow!

That's my favorite beef stew. Angus? Ostex. Ostex beef sue? That's definitely different music, but that is... that was wild that that even that they would even do it that way oh i even like the carrots don't ever cross me bitch beef stew um

What's up with motherfuckers in Atlanta? This is, these are outfits, I guess. Oh, God damn, this is weird. I know. Sure be fluid, but still. These guys in Atlanta just have dresses on. Like, young, who's a guy the rapper, Young Thug, or whatever? I have those shoes, whoops.

Um, and, um, Lil. dinky or whatever the fuck their names are but these guys they got dresses on you know what i'm men have good legs there i said it i know i know dude because they're thin right and they're they're they're fucking and women sometimes uh maybe i'm just gay not me i'm just gay uh but it but men in atlanta don't give a fuck i lie wow they just shit. Apparently AOL is shutting down.

I was Dial-up. Wow, they still had dial-up. They still used it? Oh, my God. The last person just died that used it.

You know what I mean? They're like, okay, let's wrap it up. Guy just Bing, dong. He goes, oh, and then they go, you've got mail. And they go, that was the last one. He's, he never checked his mail. He's dead. AOL dial up is gone.

We're just going to, we just, who even uses AOL still? I guess people still use it, but I mean, I don't know. I used to fucking run AOL, dude. I used to have that AOL email. Dude, I used to kill it. Oh, fuck. I loved AOL, dude. Welcome, you've got mail.

Dude, that was awesome. Biles done. That was awesome, dude. when you'd close the thing there's no more chat rooms right because everyone was getting pervy and a lot of murder happen or whatever but yeah

AOL was the shit so rest and peace to the dial-up here's a here's a title that that does that is a very 2025 thing Trump goes off on Charlemagne the God Donald Trump responded to comments made by Charlemagne the God during a recent interview.

Said that Donald Trump's presidency hurt vulnerable communities and suggested the Republican Party could eventually turn away from him, especially if damaging information from the Epson case released. His response to Trump posted on truth social calling Charlemagne a racist sleaze bag. Sleas bag, dude. That really cuts, doesn't it? Oh, you know what? Fine. You're a sleaze bag.

that actually cuts you're a sleaze bag um but yeah that was uh charlemagne the god i guess he made fun of him that he's called the god too i just don't know man you know i look at all these things that people talking online and everything that gets clicks and the people that talk shit on each other it's so fucking annoying dude look if you're the president you're going to get shit on period that's it period okay I guess the idea is you need to be better than that. You need to be above the fray. However, now, the guy who is not above the fray,

the guy who will literally be in the trenches and be like, fuck you and the click you claim, is the president. He'll go and be like, who said what? Oh, let's get on Twitter and talk shit about Charlemagne the God. And he is the president. So he won. So the game has changed. And I understand that.

okay but when i see these comedians uh talking shit about other comedians it dude it drives me nuts like like there's there's comedians that like you know look i i get there it's the whole thing where it's like people are like i'm not a dick i'm not an asshole i'm not a bitch i'm just being real i'm just being truthful everyone says i'm a dick because i'm truthful yeah dude you know else is the truth uh bananas are yellow that's not dick the truth isn't just dick and the dick isn't just truth you can also be truthful and massage the words better and be nicer but people are like you know i i'm so sick of people talking shit about matt rife or whatever the fuck and it's like, dude, we're all comics here.

There's no honor in this community. And let me tell you straight up, if you're talking shit about other comics and you keep doing it, that's bitch shit, okay? It's bitch shit. I've never done this. And bro, and I've been on the end of it. I've been on the other end of it where comics just trashed the shit out of me. and I didn't I didn't do that and I'm not saying you got to be I'm not saying you have to be above the fray

but it's such bitch shit to be like oh fucking that guy's corny he's not good at stand up uh bro it's so comedy is evolving into what it's evolving into uh and I'm I'm 45 I'm not even the young guy anymore okay like uh so you could argue that I you know even though stand-up, you know, I think stand-ups get better as they age. The whole idea is as you age, you get out of touch, which I don't think,

I think that only happens if you let it. But, you know, there's like young comics that are just terrible right now. But there's also young comics that are great, okay? And just because you don't, people don't agree with the way they're doing comedy and then like talking shit about it, it's just like, it's so whack.

dude just do your shit comedy is subjective we all know this but like and people are dude i'm just keeping it real man sorry yeah yeah okay say it different though dude don't be a fucking asshole you know like these people talk shit about people talk shit about california comics people People talk shit about Austin comic. People talk shit about, dude, it's so, so fucking lame. You have no honor. Get on stage, make people fucking laugh. You want to do jokes, do jokes.

You want to tell stories, tell stories. You want to beatbox? You want to do sound effects. Go do it. Go. There's a market for that. You want to talk about sucking dicks and you want to be so dirty. Go do that.

go ahead oh yeah but female comics they're also dirty so what let them get on stage and be dirty who gives the fuck there's a market for it or there isn't it's like i i there's no such thing as fucking real comedy you can go on stage and you can tell uh your opinion and your you know uh you can look i'm silly as fuck sometimes i'm only silly silly silly Sometimes I go on stage and I have a point of view and I'm also silly. Sometimes I'm less silly and I'm making a point. I'm just doing what the fuck I want to do, dude. Yes, most crowdwork comics blow dick, okay?

But that doesn't mean like, dude, when I went on stage, I was making foot of crowdwork comics. People are like, you're talking about Matt Wraib? No, I'm not. I'm talking about bad crowdwork comics. There's so many of them. Matt's good. If you're a good comic, also, he also has an act, but he just, his clips are the crowdwork.

But like, if you're a good comic, you have to be, you have to be somebody who does crowd, who can do crowd work. Because people are going to heckle you. People heckle me all the time. Not one person heckled me in Miami. I thought it was like, I was like Miami's going to be a hell. But it wasn't. You know, I went on. I did my material.

That's what I do. If somebody chirps, then you attack, then you attack. and that is what it's part of your arsenal you know whatever the fuck now if you're going on stage and you're three years in and you're like so what do you do you suck you suck because you suck because you're three years in what are you going to do a bit about cell phones you also suck so just let people fucking figure it out is it going to be annoying when they're taking your spots yeah i guess so work harder be undeniable be undeniable it's it's just so whiny and garbage when people are like that comic sucks this dude i'm so

sick of it dude i'm so sick of it and nobody's saying this nobody's saying this because no comic is saying this because clicks uh people are getting clicks off of if i say a fuck you know whoever uh you know another big comedian uh tom sagura whoever the fuck burke crusher if i'm just say bobby lee fuck these guys then that'll be clicks and people click on it, but fuck that, not fuck those guys. That bothers me so much, dude. It bothers me so fucking much. There's no community with comedians.

It's part of the reason why, like, dude, I used to, I, man, telling people I was a comedian was so awesome. I used to be like, I'm a comedian. And I'm still proud of it. But like, dude, comedians are bitches, dude. Like, they're so, they're so scared of like, of like, uh, you know, they might come out and say quote, unquote, what's real like, oh, I don't like this comic or this guy's, but it's like, dude.

Then when the internet's like, oh, they said this and then you, you're like, oh, uh, you backtrack. it's like it's all fucking corny dude it's all corny it's all corny just tell jokes bro podcasts suck am i being too negative i don't know i just don't like i don't like i don't like i mean what do regular people feel about this like when you see comedians that are like or those videos that are like this is what fucking uh what's his name said about this guy you click on that

you gossip fucking dumb shit you you cornball you chick you know what I mean you in cell like what the fuck it's what it's what's I don't give a fuck it's what sells I don't care dude

I know so many comics have people don't really talk a shit about me now but they used to bro I it's obviously I feel some type of way about this but when I see somebody getting dragged fuck them fuck them

fuck that fuck that and that's not to say that they're bad people it's just like come on man comedy is different for everybody

we all know it's subjective we know that somebody is funny to somebody and that other person thinks that person is the worst comedian in the world there are comedians

that are great that I don't think are that funny but that doesn't mean they're not great it just means I don't think they're funny Whatever, I got fucking Pokemon cards for my son today,

and I'm just absolutely, you know, let me tell you something, dude. Because life can be so negative, right? This is why I say life rips, because it rips, even when it doesn't. You have to remember it rips, dude. I am on the road. I was in Miami, and all of a sudden, this is what happens when you do the, when you, when you, when you're, when you're, when you're, a dad or, you know, working mom or whatever it is. But like a lot of times I think historically it's been dad that has been like gone on a work trip and then he comes back.

Your sons are just all into all sorts of into different things, right? Like, like you leave for three days and you come back and then all of a sudden you're like, who's this black child? And they're like, oh, what do you mean? That's your son. You're like, oh, he changed that much? Who's the Asian? Who's the old Asian man? Oh, that's your son.

He changed that much. Yeah. oh who's the british who's the old japanese british guy what that's stephen your son you go god they grow up so fast they change they get into some shit you come home with gifts you're like hey i got the thing you like they're like i don't like that thing anymore you fucking dork you're like oh oh it's been two days so i was out in miami and i missed my son all of a sudden fall in love with Pokemon cards. Now, that cuts my hard wide open.

I feel sad, you know? And look, it's fine. Dude, as a parent, you're not going to be there for everything, you know. You're not going to be there for your son's daughter's first step or whatever the fuck. You know, you might be looking away. You might be on a trip when, you know, your kid gets in a baseball, whatever the the fuck it is, right?

So that happens. So I go, fuck, I missed it. But it's all good. You're going to miss some stuff. So I'm FaceTime with Calvin and Calvin's like, showing me all this Pokemon cards and I'm like, man, I wish I was there. I want to see those fucking Pokemon cards, dude. And I'm like, I want to know more about Pokemon than he does so he can come to me

and ask me any fucking Pokemon question and I will have the answer. And we're talking about Pokemon cards and like whenever he's good. And now they implemented chores. And whenever it's a chore, like a chore, he'll get like a dollar or something. And then like, you know, Pokemon card packs are $7. So when he gets $7, you can get a Pokemon pack, you know, and in a few weeks, he'll get another Pokemon pack or whatever you know not doing chores every day but every now and then he'll do a chore get a dollar and then fucking be able to get you know double it keep doubling it

until he's got a fucking jigglypoof right evolved into whatever the fuck they evolve into i don't know because i missed it but i'm going to do my research and i will know about Pokemon's because i want my son to come to me to be like hey what does a chirp pound evolve into that's not a thing but chirpound might as well be And so I go, all right, well, you know what I'm going to do? On I'm on the FaceTime, I say, oh, cool. Well, you know what? Maybe when I'm out, I get you some, I get you, you know, maybe Daddy will come home with a Pokemon.

I don't even know what the fuck. Did they come in, I don't know. But he's like, yeah. And my son said, yeah, it'd be, maybe it'd be, he said, maybe it'd be good if you got two packs. My son said. I'm like, oh, you're just going to say. too okay well i was going to bring one but okay and i go oh am i i i mean how hard is it to get a fucking polkine so i hang up and i go

i'm gonna get him a polkine i'm gonna be fucking hero and they like take a nap you know because you don't have to do it right away you don't have to do what you think right away ever ever you can just be like i'll do that later and i had a show i had two shows that night so i go i did the two shows i'll be here in Miami. I'll find a fucking Pokemon. One thing led to another, I go, oh, fuck.

It's airport time. Got to go home. I bet I could get Pokemon cards at the airport. Why did I think this? Also, like, honestly, what is a Pokemon card? Is it a toy? Where do they be? Is it a sports memorabilia thing?

The fuck is it? Is it, do you go, are there Pokemon card stores? I don't know. So I look it up. And I go, all right, I'm going to get Pokemon cards for Calvin when I land and then go home. So I land. I get in the car and I Google, where do you get Pokemon cards? And to my fucking chagrin, you can get him at Target.

And I go, oh, hell yeah. gonna be easy so i stopped by target and i say to the first guy that's there hello where are your Pokemon cards and he says oh i think probably we're all out but why don't you go check with guest services and i go what what is that and where is that is this the four seasons like can you he pointed he pointed somewhere that nothing was there he just goes like this and it was like a fucking wall and I'm like and then I walk behind around the wall and there's like something it doesn't say guest services but there's like two people there and I say hey do you guys have Pokemon cards and the lady goes like this you know what I haven't checked today let me go

look and I'm like what are you got a fucking shit man every day? so she leaves i'm standing in there like an asshole she comes back and she says nah we don't have any i said oh you didn't get a shipment she said nah i said oh um when do you usually got to get them she's we'll get them quite a bit but they sell out quick and i go oh really i mean i know pokemons are like sought after but also it's weird when a store like target is like because like they just get more you know you're targeting you're but then they have limited points so i'm like okay fine so i'm like i guess i got to look up where else you can get Pokemon cards so i google it again and it says Walgreens and i go yeah my dick if it's not at

target it's not at Walgreens so i go dive deeper phone and then it a bunch of different card places comes up you know things like like uh you know edge lord card shop or like uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh in my mom's basement collectors, right? Like, you know, like, and I'm like, I'm going to check and see if they have the Pokemon's. So I start calling these places. And I'm in the parking lot of Target. And I'm fucking hot, dude.

Because it's summer. And I'm wearing the sweats that I wore on the airplane. All good, dude. I, my heart bleeds now for Pokemon. Do you understand? Because my son is in a Pokemon. So I go, all right, I'm not going to, this game they get to me i go to the nearest coffee shop which is close to target there's high by

coffee it's called high by coffee for some reason i go to high by coffee i get a cold brew and whoops i cut jol madden in line joel madden who's that that's the guy from blink one eighty two that's married to nicol richie whoops i cut him in line so turn around and i say oh i'm so sorry i cut you in line and then he looks up he says oh it's all good and i realize oh shit fucking oh the It's fucking, it's him. And I go, oh, hey, what's up, dude? My name's Chris. He says, oh, yeah, hey, I'm Joel.

And I'm like, oh, I did the thing where two famous guys meet each other and supposed to know each other. And this guy doesn't know who I am. So I'm just like, hey, what's up, dude? Like, I'm fucking, like, it's Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt. He's in like a very successful super. famous band for years and I'm like some dick that got

popular on Vine and I'm like oh yeah dude same shit I know I know I'm obviously I'm I'm down playing I'm doing it to be funny I get it I've got some stuff I under my belt but I'm just saying anyway so I walk to the car

and I'm like I wonder if you even know who I was or whatnot I'm not embarrassed because I don't really feel embarrassed anymore because i'm a sociopath right but i'm like oh it's funny one are you and then it walks out i get in my car and he goes oh sweet card dude that's one of my favorites and i go okay respect respect anyway i'm like dude and whatever bro it doesn't matter i'm going this fucking i'm getting these Pokemon cards just oh fuck you all the small things and fucking turn it on go to the fucking cash for cards or where to the fuck place we're going to three, four different places.

Now, we don't have Pokemon's that we get sold out. And I go, oh, dude, if I don't have Pokemon cards, dude, if I show up empty-handed, you show up empty-handed? I'm going to show up at the house. I was going to be like,

you don't have an envelope. You don't have a package for me. It looks a little light. This package, it looks thin. What's in there? Is anything evolved in there? Why? So, uh, is there a Pikachu in there at all?

Is there, you know, is there, so, um, so I, you know, I drive, I go to these different places. I finally call a place and it's like, oh, yeah, Pokemon cards? we're fucking we are pokey men like it was he was like we have all of it and I go really I say how much are packs

the fuck do I know he's like we got packs that are $7 we got packs that are $8 and we have Japanese versions of the packs there's are $5 and I go stop right there do you have a few and he says oh dude we have plenty and if we run out we just open other boxes and I go on the way to Pokemon's

All the small things Hard I want to You know, 90, 99, 99, 9, 9, 9, Park, get out into the book. Do they not sing that? He's a good Charlotte.

Okay, cool. What's good Charlotte? What do they do? Good Charlotte's fucking great. They're my favorite band. His brother's what? His brother, his brother,

Matt to Cameron Diaz? Joel Madden and who else is the other guy? Benji Madden. They're two cool dudes. Sorry, I get in the band wrong. Anyway, I don't know anything. I don't know. I don't know anything.

You know? I don't know who's in a band. I don't know what a Pokemon is. Like, dude, I, you're lucky. I know what Batman is. Right? Like, I don't know shit. God, I got to do more studying.

But anyway, so I get to fucking, what does good Charlotte do? We're good and we're Charlotte. Yeah, yeah. So I'm listening to whatever the fuck they sing. And then I'm going to the Pokemon's. I get to the place and I walk in. Dude, eight, eight-year-olds and me. And I go, oh, fuck.

It's one of those things where it's like, you know, you walk into one of these card stores and you're like, dude, am I a, am I a, it's like, People look at you and they're like, they go, oh, is he a dork or is he a dad? Because you're not, not one of those. But I'm like a dad, obviously. And I'm like, hey, and they go, hey, what's up? And by the way, card places now, dude, I haven't been to card places in forever. They got like tables set up.

Like for fucking what? They like open, they have box openings and then, I'm like, what the fuck happen to like just upper deck you know they're like a whole wall is dedicated to like magic the gathering and you're like oh what so I'm like do you have Pokemon cards I think I talked to you and he's a oh yeah I think you actually talk

to the other guy he's our Pokemon guy and I look over I'm expecting that I have a tail you know what I mean like what's it was he so I say hey do you got Pokemon he's like sure and he gets the Pokemon gets me three different let me get three because I said I get two because i would say get two so i get three and i go give me the polkimo cards he'd give me the polkimo cards and i i get them i did and i put them in my pocket and i walk back to my car dude and let me tell you something okay let me tell you something man now i'm alone right now okay

i'm walking back to my car it's too hot i got my sweatpants on i got the Pokemon cards in my pocket okay I fucked up the thing with the guy didn't know who I was from Good Charlotte. I actually don't know who he was. I thought he was in Blinkinity, too. I'm just basically a mixed-up person walking around, okay? Literally just was in Miami.

Like, just, you know what? You know what I was? I was a guy on Coke, not on Coke. You know? just a guy that couldn't explain this situation if you can't explain you know i mean i guess i could explain like i had shows and i said i get the Pokemon cards but then i went i drove around i saw the guy from good charlotte all that sounds like a fever dream or you're coming off of coke you know but i wasn't so i got these three packs dude and i'm looking at these packs i'm looking at these

packs like i want these packs that's how i'm looking at these packs that's how i'm looking at the these packs. Where are they? Oh, they're upstairs? And I go, I can't fucking wait to give these to Calvin. Now, I would give some to Billy, but Billy is basically, he throws stuff more than mom. So I'm not giving him cards because he'll rip them. So I'm going to like, when I'm having a bed tonight, I'm going to be like, oh, by the way, dude, look, look what I got. I'm pulling out. And I'm going to be so excited. And I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and, and I, and Since, you know how when you're a kid and your dad or your mom or someone gets you something or says, we're going to the thing and you get really excited, remember what that feels like?

You go, oh, yeah, fuck yeah, as a kid. You go, awesome. Like, I remember back when I was a kid, I really wanted to watch this Michael Jackson live performance. And my dad, I mean, I must have been, I was younger than 12 because it was in New Jersey. And my dad was like, no, you have to go to bed. And I was like, dad, come on. It's only I want to, I said, please. And he was like, no, you got to go to bed.

You got school tomorrow. And I said, will you tape it? And he was like, no, I'm not even going to tape it. And I was like, that's so cruel. And I went to bed and I was so upset because I really wanted to see Michael Jackson live performance. And then I woke up the next day. And my dad said, here, I taped it for you.

And I was so. so excited dude i go you did it you said you weren't going to do it he said but i did and you can watch it when you get home from school and i was really really really really happy really happy i remember school being like oh this is so cool i got to watch a michgo jackson thing later and i got home and i watched it and i was like it's so cool why that that did that tricked me you know but now i know that i have kids i i'm literally more excited to give the cards to calvin than calvin is to get the cards and i know that because i've been in both situations dude my dad must have felt jeed up from the feed up when he pulled that tape out and it said on the label

Michael Jackson performance on the thing and I'm just like a VHS and I go What? I go he made me I didn't realize that he got excited too Like he was tricking me because he wanted to surprise me And now I get to feel that Wow That is that's so awesome

I love Pokemon And I You know Much like the Pokemon I've evolved as well. Into a dadly poof. Into a pokey father, you know? But yeah, dude, it was so dope.

It's so dope, and I can't wait to give it to him. And I can't wait. You know what the best part about it is? I'm going to be so excited to give him because he got a little book. He puts it in the book and he's like, talks about the Pokemon's. He's like, what's this one about? And I don't know. And I'm going to learn all about that shit.

here's the thing about that uh i'm going to learn all about fucking pokemons and in three weeks he's going to be on to like x-men or some shit and i'm going to be like oh fuck i know too much about Pokemon and now i'm into Pokemon and i'm going to the place and now i'm not just dad in the store i'm dork in the store like oh do you have the uh the mat one I'm this guy Do you have the Does it have the reflector I'm that guy

But yeah dude Just sit and opening boxes of magic The gathering Wow man Nothing matters But it all does doesn't it I haven't even I haven't you know

I got home And Calvin is that grandmas grandma and grandpa so when he comes back I'm going to give him the cards anyway whatever dude I'm telling you guys too much about my life I go back and forth on should I make fun of videos or should I tell you about my life and I know that some people love when I make fun of videos

and I know that some people love when I just don't do that and talk about my life and I just do what I want bro just like how I eat when I want yes dude when's dinner oh yeah two hour hungry now ordering

Um, anyway, dude, I just can't, I can't, uh, I can't, uh, oh, whatever it is what it is. Um, all right, guys, that's it for me. Thank you very much. Subscribe to the Patreon. It helps the show. We love you. Preach. And come see me in the different areas, chrystalia.com.

Houston. I'm going to be in, uh, London. I'm going to be in a bunch of different places. Yay, dude. See later. Like the motherfucking five you scared of a lot of the fucker Right on the motherfucking child for a motherfucker.