Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 46. Plain’n’Simp

Episode Date: December 14, 2017

It's the 46th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about how he doesn't hate Christmas music. Also discussed: Roy Moore on a horse, Ted Crockett, Chris's restaurant: Plain'n'Simp, DMX, Elon Musk, and believing in Santa Claus. We name a new elder, and of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply this episode 46 of congratulations the, is brought to you by Movement. Look, we get it. Holiday shopping can be tough. But thanks to Movement, all that gift-giving anxiety can disappear with the press of a button. These watches make the perfect purchase for just about everyone in your life, guy or girl.

And remember, they start at only $95. Get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to MVMT.com slash congrats. Blue Apron. When you cook with Blue Apron, you're not just having burgers for dinner. You're making short rib burgers with a hoppy cheddar sauce on a pretzel bun.

You're preparing seared steaks and thyme pan sauce with mashed potatoes, green beans, and crispy shallots all in under 45 minutes and without a trip to the grocery store. Blue Apron is treating my listeners to their first three meals, a $30 value, with your first order if you go visit blueapron.com slash congrats. So check out this week's menu and get your $30 off with free shipping at blueapron.com slash congrats. So check out this week's menu and get your $30 off with free shipping at blueapron.com slash congrats. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Guys, don't forget about the Cash App. It seems the babies are switching to the Cash App

as it's the number one finance app in the App Store. They've introduced the Cash Card, a new black debit card that you can design yourself via the app, allowing you to use the cash that you keep in the app anywhere you want. Plus, it's the best way to pay people back. Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. What's up, guys? It's episode 46. Came to you late.

I've been having every episode, like I said I would, by Tuesday for 45 times. The 46th time. I got a job. I had to fly up to Vancouver. Or as I like to call it, Coovie. And I had to fly up there and I had to shoot. An episode of The Good Doctor. And.

I had to stack that cheddar a little bit. Let's be honest. I had to stack the cheddar. I had to fly up north. Pick up some fucking Gouda. And come back down. Now I'm going to be in The Good Doctor. I'm going fly up north, pick up some fucking Gouda, and come back down. Now I'm going to be in The Good Doctor. I'm going to be in a few episodes of it. You know, they didn't want Daddy to just fucking hang around for one episode.

They wanted to fucking add him to a few more episodes. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? Not do it? Got to do it. They want to help me fucking, you know what I what i mean they want they do they do they need me to get a fucking do they need me to rent out a self-storage garage i'll do it i'll put stacks of cheddar in a self-storage garage. I'll do it.

One time we were driving by. I was on my way back from Sacramento with my buddy, and we were driving by a self-storage place, and I looked at it, and I pointed, and I said, let us out, let us out. Like you store yourself in there, and the guy I was with laughed all so hard and he continued would tell me years later that it's the funniest thing i ever said he was crying so hard he was laughing and now every time i drive by a self-storage place i

say let us out what oh public storage is what it was public storage right public storage yeah those orange ones. Well, one fire immediately fucking promoted himself to one hire. He just fucking corrected me. Even though don't correct me in public, seriously helped. Even though don't correct me while I'm fucking, well, hundreds of thousands of people are going to hear this. Fucking one hire. One promote.

So, guys, I have an announcement. Before we get fucking rip-roaring and going. All of the merch is restocked. It's because of the stock. It's all restocked. Go get your Sfrikansch hoodies because it's cold out. And you want people to know Sfrikansch even though you're near your fireplace. You want people to know you don't stand with cooters let's go get the no cooters of the cooters shirts while you're sitting down with your family this holiday season so why don't you go get a true baby shirt or a chris chrysalia fucking rock shirt a metal t or fucking tired eagle shits why don't you go get them

fucking stocked them all up babies let's go get them now um i was in vancouver i was in san jose uh i was in uh i was in san jose i did my dude by the way i sound even more like the narcos guy with this with my cold i had a cold um and it was like one of those colds where i was like i'm not gonna get sick for like nine days and then the 10th and 11th day i was like um um uh but uh yeah so a bunch of stuff happened i was like oh dude this is gonna be good because oh by the way guys if i say on on social media i'm gonna be here's what a true baby does you check my social media if something's not happening on monday if you're not getting a podcast on monday or tuesday check the social media before you fucking comment hey where's

the podcast put up the fucking podcast because here's the thing dude my my fucking i when it comes to blocking i got a trigger finger dude i got an itchy trigger finger. I don't practice fucking trigger. What do they call it? Trigger safety? What do they call it with the fucking gun? You put your finger on the gun. You don't put it on the trigger. I don't practice that, dude, with my block.

That's what I do. If you fucking comment negative shit on my Instagram, on my Twitter, or whatever the fuck, even on YouTube comments, babies, dude, if you comment that, I'm welcoming you to my block party, here's a burger, here's a hot dog. There's relish down there and fucking plastic forks. You're welcomed to my block party. And guess what happens at the block party? You never get uninvited. I don't unblock people. It's simply, and I'm going to say it like this, dude, and this is the most disrespectful way to say it. It's simply the nap.

If you get blocked, getting unblocked, the nap. It's it. You made your bed. You laying it. If you made your bed, consider yourself horizontal. You're not being fucking perpendicular with the ground. You're being parallel to the ground. You made your bed. Stay horizontal.

All right? Welcome to my block party. The fucking sauerkraut is down at the other end. We got third eye blind playing here, baby. Go out in the park. Enjoy your pork. You fucking say shitty things. You made your bed.

You staying horizontal, that's it, no ifs ands, buts, Roy Moore looked stupid as shit in his horse, didn't he, hey, Roy Moore, you looked dumb as fuck, riding away all fucking zigzaggy on your horse. Dude, if you can't fucking ride a horse in a straight line, don't ride a horse when people are taking pictures of you. When people are taking video of you, don't ride a horse if you can't go in a straight line. Now, what the narcos didn't know was, dude, don't ride a horse all zigzaggy, all straight-legged and shit. Has anybody ever ridden a horse

not with a brown suede jacket on, by the way? It's the most horsey fucking driving jacket of all time. Oh, man, he went left, he went right, he went left, he went right. The horse is like, what's going on, dude? Dude, by the way, I posted up the fucking video of Roy Moore's spokesperson. Who fucking, when, did you see, was it Tapper? What's that guy's name?

Jake Tapper. Who was, when he was saying, when Jake Tapper was like, when the guy, what was the spokesperson's name? I don't even know. See if you can find that out or otherwise one fire. But he was like, he was like, when you have to,

when you have to be a senator, you have to swear on the Bible. And if you're Muslim, you can't swear on the Bible. And then Jake Tapper was like, well, you actually don't. You can swear on anything. You can swear on a fucking Harry Potter book.

And he was like, I did it. And Jake Tapper was like, well, I'm sure he did. Ted Crockett is his name. And the only thing I have to say about that is, of course, his name is Ted Crockett. I mean, could that guy's name be anything but Ted Crockett? He was, dude. Could that guy's name be anything but Ted Crockett? He was, dude.

And he was like, well, I'm sure you did pick the Bible because you picked that. And he was like, but you don't have to pick the Bible. And the spokesperson was like, uh, Donald Trump did it. And he was like, that's because he chose it. And he was just mouth open like a crocodile. Dude, are you waiting for a deer no then speak or close your mouth dude ted crockett was fucking stand sitting there looking like a crocodile for way too long just blinking blinking he was a if he was a president he would be a blinking and fucking tapper was trying to wait he was like um you want to answer and he was just like uh and he was blinking and it was so funny and here's the deal man 35 fucking was it, like over 30 people accused Roy Moore

of sexual harassment. If 35 people are accusing you, I don't give a fuck. If you're Republican, Democrat, do 35 people accuse, 80 people accused Bill Cosby, fuck them, okay? Harvey Weinstein, fuck him.

All right? I don't give a fuck who you are. So I posted it on Instagram. I was like, when you think a pedophile is going to be senator and he's not. And people are like, you fucking liberal agenda. I don't have an agenda. I don't have a fucking agenda, dude. I don't give a fuck if you're liberal or dude, you know how many of these liberals are corny

ass whiny fucking babies. I don't support them either. I don't give a fuck. Don't be a whiny baby and don't be racist. Period. Don't be a whiny baby and don't be fucking racist and don't fuck kids. It's plain and simp.. Splain and simp. Splain and simp.

I want to open up a restaurant that's called Splain and Simp. And you come in, you order some fucking grits. You order some burgers. You order some vegan shit. We've got a lot of stuff. Okay? Whatever you order, there's this cafe got a lot of stuff okay whatever you order there's this cafe in fucking la called cafe gratitude and every time you go to cafe gratitude they

fucking tell you something to think about they're like our question of the day is and i go like this in my head i go zip it our question of the day is what makes you proud zip it what makes me proud is apricot and someone asked me a question before eating me don't ask what your question of the day is what makes you humble bye really go ask yourself that in the kitchen all All right? My fucking restaurant, Splain and Simp, is, uh, you order the food,

and then they go like this. Hey, welcome to Splain and Simp. Our fucking statement of the day is, don't fuck kids. See ya. We got no agenda. And then they go and they bring you your fucking grits. Crockett fucking eats so much grits, you know, while he's blinking with his crocodile mouth.

Uh, Trump did it. Oh, cool, man. See ya. Oh, dude. Hey, dude, man. See ya. Oh, dude. Hey, dude, check out how the point's going. Here's something for the video pod. That's how the fucking point went. Didn't go in your brain.

But, like, Tapper tried not to fucking slam him. Tapper was like, hey, bud bud help me out here you're on tv he literally like was like you don't have to fucking swear on the bible did you know that and tapper fucking blinked so hard i swear i heard like a cartoon you cartoon croc then zip it stop blinking like a cartoon but dude that was the best man so I posted it on Instagram and everyone's like

your fucking liberal agenda hey dude it's a joke and somebody was like stick to comedy it's a fucking meme for fuck's sake it's a meme It's a meme. It's a meme. You know how they fucking do that shit online. It's a wife.

It's a meme. Dude, come on, man. Shut. Hey, dude, anybody who says that, anybody who says stick to comedy, to a comedian, especially on a a joke shut the fuck up okay hey dude i got a fucking fedex package for you open it up you know what it says shut the fuck up. I mean, come on, dude. Also, you can't say shut the fuck up when you got 36 followers. Nobody wants to hear. They were like, nobody wants to hear what you say about politics.

Really? How the fuck did Bill Maher get a goddamn career? I got a question for you. How the fuck did Dennis Miller get a goddamn career i got quest for you how the fuck did dennis miller get a goddamn career shut the fuck up eat my shorts dude let me put salad dressing on my shorts eat it up then then i swear to god one day my podcast is just literally going to be um contractions dude you don't get to say keep your opinions to yourself on twitter that's what twitter's for expressing opinions for people to people who don't give a fuck

follow me or don't also bye i'll tweet whatever the fuck i want i don't give a shit follow me or don't follow me i could fucking rub my nuts all day long on Twitter. I don't give a fuck. You can literally show your dick on Twitter. There's girls out there oiling up their butts and getting fucked by mechanical dildos on the other end of a robot arm that's just going... Dude, how violent are those things? You ever seen that shit?

You ever seen... When they fucking go doggy style and the fucking thing is like it's so fucking weirdly like the arm will just fucking keep pumping dude that's violent as shit and it's all oiled up and like who else is in the room it's always some guy with like fucking rubber gloves the fuck are you doing hey it's your childhood like what you get raised by a fucking cyborg that molested you what are those fucking ramming ass it's so violent and then when they turn around and they go on their back it's even worse because you you're literally looking you know how like when you're fucking and you're making love and the shit's fucking so nice and inspirational and you're

like look at me make eye contact and you're drooling you got nothing to look at dude you got nothing to look at but a brown room that's always what those fucking mechanics what are those things called dude and they always have like a fucking like it looks like a churning mechanism on the side of it that's not going the way. It makes it weirder because the fucking robot thing is like pumping at a fucking parallel to the ground. But the churning thing is pumping upward because that's how fucking the mechanics works you know i don't know dick but like it'll be fucking pumping upward and it's all weird because it's pumping upward and the fucking thing is getting sideways so it's like weirdly like you can get fucked while you're thinking like oh why is that mechanism going upward? But I'm getting fucked parallel.

You know? Like, that's like, dude, the most sexy thought you can have during sex has nothing to do with sex. You know what I'm talking about? That's what I was talking about. When you can hear garbage trucks while you're fucking at 430. Dang it, dang it, dang it, dang it. That's where the fucking squirt happens, man. happens man oh man you know you clicked on those videos you ever fucking watching porn and you're like oh let's start with some bj stuff and then all of a sudden it just like you're like oh huh well

what what are japanese people up to and they're just like throwing up on each other hey throw up on my cock like that like what throwing up like on some fucking poor japanese businessman's face in the forest and other japanese guys are watching you know with all with gray suits on dude it is nothing more japanese than wearing a gray suit and getting thrown up on your face nothing dude nothing more japanese than having dude straight up than having a gray suit on with your tie loosened getting your face thrown up on in the forest with no pants on and your pubic hair is longer than your dick. Nothing more Japanese than that, bro. And having fucking like 20-year-old Japanese women just like throwing up on his face.

And other Japanese men watching you you shooting it with a real camera not an iphone but then also other guys shooting it with an iphone that was a hell of a tangent huh was i talking about roy moore he fucking rode on a horse hey dude if you ride on a horse to your election, I'm not voting for you. I don't give a fuck if you're Jesus Christ or Sammy Davis Jr. Okay? Fucking Roy Moore, you know? Most basic name of all time, too.

Roy Moore and Tom Crockett. Ted Crockett, even whiter. Ted. Roy Moore and Ted Crockett. They either say racist shit or they don't say shit. All right, baby. Here we go texture whether you're looking for dependable political reporting high quality storytelling or the latest on culture and entertainment magazines deliver it with all with high quality writing and beautiful photography. And now you can get all your magazines in one place with Texture.

The Texture app gives you unlimited access to over 200 premium magazines. Texture has leading titles like Time, The Atlantic, The New Yorker, Vanity Fair, and Wired. And right now you can try Texture for free. That's right. I try it i put all my uh uh uh magazines that i have in the texture app on my ipad and it's really nice to be able to jump from one magazine to the other without having to you know jump into a new app right a lot of these magazines have their apps but that's that's not the way to do it the way to do it is with texture

texture just imagine having your favorite magazines and their back issues anytime anywhere to start your texture free trial go to texture.com congrats if you choose to continue podcast listeners will get texture for just $9.99 a month that's over 30% off their listed price there are also great gift options available for the holiday season. Go to texture.com slash congrats to start your free trial today. That's texture.com slash congrats. Texture.com slash congrats. Movement. You've heard me talk about movement, and I'm sure you got yourself a watch.

Now, let's finish your holiday shopping and get a movement watch for someone on your list, okay? Movement watches starts at just $95. your holiday shopping and get a movement watch for someone on your list okay movement watches starts at just 95 at a department store you're looking at 400 to 500 bucks movement figured out by selling online they were able to cut out the middleman and retail markup providing the best possible price at such great price prices movement watches make wonderful holiday gifts to over 1 million watches sold in over 160 countries didn't even know there were that many countries i thought there were seven uh my own watch uh is very cool uh when i wear my movement watch i wear it out because it's

fuck it's uh um gold and it's sleek it looks like i'm a jetson i'm very futuristic people are like yo what is that and i'm like it's texture You got to try this stuff out. Get 15% off today with free shipping and free returns by going to MVMT.com slash congrats. It's got a really cool design. Makes for a great fashion statement. And you know I'm in a fashion, dude. You see my Instagram

posts lately? Now is the time to step up your watch game. Go to MVMT.com slash congrats. Join the movement. Yeah, dude. Those, like, and how about the Sibian porn? It's so mechanical, you know,

where they just sit on a fucking robot. And then it... I don't know. Anyway. I forgot my family listens to this podcast so cool cool hey anyway pretty cool how now you know I've watched robot porn

shout out to my guys at true crime garage they mentioned coming to my show in Ohio. They got a good podcast. That is about crime stories. And they're great. I like them. They're good guys, too.

They're fun to chill with. They gave us a shout out on their podcast. Who I love. So it's nice. Babies helping babies. You know what I'm talking about? They're nice, but they're not. You know what? Dude, actually, that's the worst way to describe somebody is nice.

They're cool and they're fun. I can't say that. If somebody, but if anyone ever were to describe me as nice, that was the first thing. It's nice to it. If somebody, but if anyone ever were to describe me as nice, that was the first thing. It's nice to be described as nice, but if that's the first thing someone describes you as, as pack your fucking bags,

guess what that dude is? Born of shit. Sleep. Let me get a MyPillow. I'm taking that while I hang out with a nice guy. Yeah, he's nice how is she can you describe her i my buddies are thinking about setting me up with set me up with her oh she's

nice oh really cool is she an ambien is she a fucking long flight with no turbulence? That's nice. I'd rather be fucking rude than nice. At least it's interesting. I was at, I was in San Jose. And let me actually, here's a glimpse into a life as a fucking D-list celebrity. Which I am. So I was going to, I had some 20s on me and I wanted to go change them into big bills so they fit in my fucking pocket.

Okay? I think the Lord just did that to me because I was bragging. Anyway, I was going to get larger bills. And as I was doing, I was on a mission. I was walking to the fucking concierge. By the way, the name sounds too French. Change it.

Just have it be like desk guy. I was going to, and I was going, and as I was going, this girl's like, oh, hi, can I say hi to you? As I was walking, and I stopped. I was walking very fast. I stopped, and I said, oh, hi, how's it going? And then she says, hi. And then I went to go walk again.

And then she's like, oh, okay, that's it? And I said, I don't know and then i kept walking right finished my job my fucking change into the money got 300 dollar bills now so not bragging changed it to sounded cool now it's not because it was only three um went back to now i'm in the now i'm in the lounge area this is later with my openers this girl with her two friends comes back up to me and she's like uh hey just wanted to say we're big fans and i was like ah cool you know i really appreciate that we're talking for a little bit and And then she was like, you were really rude earlier. And I said, what? And she was like, when you said hi.

And I was like, this is an interesting thing, I said, because I want you to understand something. I was absolutely not rude to you in the least. And she was like, yeah, you were. And I said, okay, well, what happened? And she said, well, you stopped. I asked you to say hi, and you stopped, and you said hi, and then you just left. And I was like, all right.

So now put yourself in the shoes of a D-list celebrity like myself, okay? Someone asks you. You don't know them, while they're walking, fast, I might add. Sikak to say, I might add. But, hey, can I say hi to you? And then you stop, oh, hi. And then they say hi. And then there's a beat, and you don't know what to do.

You made this situation awkward by stopping somebody and saying, can I say hi to you? Which is fine. I did that. Then it was on you to talk. Hey, it's still your turn. Hi. Hi. Okay.

You go. She didn't. So then I was like, oh, okay. And she said, oh, that's it? Huh? Hey, girl,

this is earth. And now I'm the rude guy. The fuck was I supposed to do? Give her a massage? She's, this is not right. It's not right. And I stand for all the D-list celebrities

plus C, B, and A-list celebrities. I'm sure it happens to even way more. But it's like, people think you're rude. I've had people be like, you were so rude when you took a picture with me. I took the goddamn picture with you. What am I supposed to do?

Stroke you off? Am I supposed to make you a ham sandwich? Plus, if you're a fan of mine, you know my fucking attitude. It's all love, baby. It's all love. But you're going to waste my time, dude? You're going to make me feel awkward? I'm parachuting the fuck out

of this plane, dude. Lady was nice. She was sweet. Her friends were sweethearts. They came up to me. We had a whole conversation and they were sweet. You know? I'm really not a rude person, but sometimes I come off that way because I don't know what to do. Can I say hi to you? Yeah, sure. Hey. Oh, cool. Hey. Oh, bring a convo bring a conversation man

otherwise what are we doing here um yeah but describing someone is nice but it was just like i don't know san jose babies came out it was fun man, I don't know. San Jose Babies came out. It was fun, man. I had a good time performing at the San Jose Improv. Really great staff and management there.

Really great. And then what else happened this week? It's been nine days since I've done a podcast, man. I can't believe I've been doing this podcast for about a year now. Yeah. Pretty wild, actually. How about these fucking Christmas songs? You know what I don't mind? Christmas songs.

I don't mind. I don't fucking mind. I got a buddy, and he's like, you know, Chris Paul, he's like You know Chris Paul He's always like Oh they started the fucking Christmas songs

Everyone Everyone Everyone Every year goes like this Oh man They keep starting the Christmas songs Early and earlier Earlier and earlier

Hey dude You know what No they don't They start them In fucking November Always Everyone says it every year if everyone said it if that were true they'd be starting in fucking august they'd be fucking have yourself a merry

little christmas in fucking april eventually oh every year it's early and earlier just hear those sleigh bells ringling jing jing jingling too how fuck you are christmas songs they don't even write them they're so lax is it laxadaisical or lackadaisical fuck that word it's lackadaisical just hear those sleigh bells ringling jing jing jingling too and fucking he didn't even think about it. Well, let's record another one. Really? Yeah, cool. Yeah, let's record another one.

Did you even write it? Nope. Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way. Jingle, fucking jingle. All right, we'll put it on wax. Have yourself a merry little Christmasmas basic may your days be bright basic it's lackadaisical why do people say lackadaisical i knew it was lackadaisical i fucking knew it was lackadaisical and somebody years ago told me it was lackadaisical i knew it was lackadaisical i fucking knew it was lackadaisical and somebody

years ago told me it was lackadaisical they made me feel stupid the whole party was like you fucking idiot it's fucking lackadaisical goddamn i don't remember who those people were but fuck you just hear those sleigh bells wriggling jing jing jingling too such a fuck you just like like you know just hear those sleigh bells first of all wringling and then jing jing jingling so'm so disrespectful. What's the one keep it, what's the song that goes keep your spirits, spirit I see something wonderful right here with you.

Just, what's it? There was one song I was singing earlier together about the spirits. And it was like, I wanted to talk about it later because it was so fuck you i can't remember what it is every song every christmas song has spirit in it silent night holy night i always imagine that song as like they they're like when they're singing they're literally like but we gotta fucking keep coming up with lyrics holy night I can't because I'm nasally.

But, God, everybody has their own. Oh, that's what it is. Everyone has. It just bothers me how every singer has to come out with their own rendition of a fucking Christmas song. You know what I mean? Laughing through the snow on a wooden horse open sleigh. Over the fields we go. Laughing all the way.

Ha, ha, ha. Na, na, na. That's not how it goes, dude. Taking so many liberties. First of all, over. Hey, dude. Put all. or hey dude put all and I know I'm the last person to say this because this podcast

has it's own language but put all the god damn letters in the fucking song it's kind of the shit though you gotta admit or the fields we go laughing all the way but I like when they do or the fields we go laughing all the way ha ha ha that's how it should be i don't like when they fucking every you'll get like harry conick jr

you know laughing all the way ah ha ha you know what i mean don't fucking make it your own dude shells on bobcats ring and I'm making spirits bright. I'll put all the fucking letters. Or the eels we owe. F-ing all the way. Do it like that. Do it like that. I'll have so much more respect for you. Icing ear its eye.

And an orso in say. Or the eels we owe. That, to hay, or the eels weak, oh. That, to me, is the shit. Dude, make that song. Laughing all the way, oopsie daisy, um-dum-dum-dum-da. If they did that, it'd be my favorite Christmas song of all time. Don't just use ower, because that's the thing that bothers me. Don't just use O-er because that's the thing that bothers me. Don't just use the one O-er.

If you're going to do contractions, make the song that way. Don't fucking slip in a contraction like a cute all of a sudden fucking, you know, Michael Buble. Some singer, Michael Buble, he gets a pass because he basically just sings Christmas songs all year long, no matter what he's releasing, you know? Like, put on any Michael Buble song during Christmas. You won't even note it. You'll be like, oh, this is just a regular Michael Buble song. I mean, this is just a Christmas song anyway. How about DMX's Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer song? Eh, fucking terrible.

Just like, it was better when he just did it with his fucking hands and... I like when DMX, like, would sing, though, you know. No, you know, like I know, the black albino's coming to like a rhino On crack Said it with a runny nose and glassy eyes You know like I know The black albino's coming to like a rhino On crack Black albino's coming to you like a rhino on crack.

Here we go, babies. It's time to back up that motherfucking Brinks truck. Blue Apron is the number one fresh ingredient in recipe delivery service in the country. Did you know that? Its mission is to make incredible home cooking accessible to everyone. And they did it. Blue Apron achieves this by supporting a more sustainable food system. Highest standards for highest ingredients and building a community of home chefs.

They got the two-person meal plan, serves two people, eight new recipes per week. With the choice to receive either two or three recipes any week. Family meal plan. Meals that serve four people. Wine plan. Six bottles of wine from renowned winemakers delivered monthly. I mean, what does this cost? Four million dollars? No, because it's like so affordable.

Featured upcoming meals, meals chili butter steaks with lemon parmesan broccoli and potatoes yum gonna stop this podcast right now go find that spicy shrimp bucatini with cabbage and toasted breadcrumbs bro if you don't even know what the ingredient bucatini if you don't even know what it is imagine how mouthwatering it is roasted chicken with maple butter come on dude i don't even know what that is blue apron is treating congratulations with crystalia listeners to their first three meals of $30 value with your first order if you visit blueapron.com slash congrats. So check out this week's menu

and get your $30 off with free shipping at blueapron.com slash congrats. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Maple butter? Square cash. It seems that all of my troops and babies and cult members are switching to the Cash app, and it's the number one finance app in the App Store.

Maybe it's because it's the best way to pay people back, friends, family, coworkers. Even if you're a CUDA, use Square Cash. Sending and receiving money is totally free and fast, and most payments can be deposited directly in your bank account in seconds. You hear that? Square Cash is better than the other apps, man. It's not a social network. Who wants to have their payments listed in a feed?

I don't want people knowing that I paid somebody for trash bags. Cash card is a new black debit card that you can design yourself via the app. The cash card allows you to use the cash that you keep in your app anywhere you want. The cash that you keep in your app anywhere you want. You'll get notifications for payments made with the card directly via the Cash App. You laser etch your card to personalize it, and it'll be delivered directly to you for free. You can draw anything on this card. You can draw a Cuda.

You can draw a Reg Jackson. You can do whatever you want. A heart. And the Cash App team, this is the cool thing, is constantly building new awesome features. So what are you doing using the other guys? Get the Cash App today. Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. Dude, we're backing up this motherfucking Brink's truck.

Hmm. Huh? Nothing? Um. Oh, God. huh nothing um oh god i saw you know what i keep seeing online is and and not even online just in in people people people gotta stop you know girls actually girl this is a girl thing. Only girls do this. You got to stop talking about how Elon Musk is husband material. Okay? Not because he's not,

but because that's like saying, Jesus Christ saved people okay oh dude oh really oh elon musk is husband material to you in a fucking one bedroom apartment cooking fucking steakums at 4 30 because you woke up at one oh dude hey oh really rocket building elon musk genius world changing Elon Musk, genius, world-changing, somehow hair grower? That motherfucker was bald 12 years ago. He is a zillionaire? Elon Musk is husband material to you in your fucking duplex? Husband material?

You don't deserve to say. Oh, dude, really? Elon Musk is husband material? Oh, really? Hey, I wonder fucking why. That shit drives me up a wall. You pizza-eating motherfuckers. You fucking cat-owning motherfuckers.

You know what I'm talking about? Ugh, that's husband material right there in the meantime in the meantime this guy's working every day to save the fucking planet motherfuckers and you're trying on outfits the fuck go north to the fucking northest spot in Canada. You fucking cooters. Oh, Elon Musk is husband material. Jesus Christ saved people and fucking Sammy Davis Jr. had a glass eye. What the fuck else can I find out on Wikipedia husband material dude fuck out of here

why so you could take half why you want half a rocket where you trying to go where air is thinner fuck out of here dude for real show us a watch on instagram but secretly show us your fucking cleavage can't wait to wear my new watch thanks tits out fucking photoshopped hips out waist in

can't wait look at the new ring i got by the way check out titties you're trying to go where the air is thinner fuck off dude elon mus Musk is husband material you think fucking Elon Musk doesn't know that shit is he single by the way he knows it so much he's single he's not married

is he married he's got kids he's married you know what kids? He's married? You know what? Who gives a fuck if he's married or not? Doesn't matter. You know why? You got the same amount chance of fucking... Oh, Elon Musk,

his husband. That really drove me. I see it all the time. Just fucking put in the search bar Elon Musk husband material on Twitter. It'll be like a fucking grocery. It'll be like a fucking Rite Aid receipt. This shit just coming out. It'll be like the mask's tongue when he sees fucking Cameron Diaz for the first time.

Across the table. Musk is three times divorced wow same girl twice oh what is it 20 billion dollars net worth dude that's weird that a 20 a guy with 20 billion dollars you think is fucking husband material ugh these fucking motherfuckers you know you think is fucking husband material. Ugh. These fucking motherfuckers, you know? How about getting remarried and redivorced? How about getting divorced and then being like, oh,

you know how many times, that guy's fucking, that guy should just get never mind tattooed on his forehead, or no, around his ring finger, you want to get married, never mind, let's get divorced,

never mind, let's get married, never mind, let's get divorced, that guy, fuck it. That guy will do whatever he wants. I mean, he makes rockets. He's the shit.

That's the whole thing, man. That fucking herd mentality that we have, man. Especially online. It's just like somebody says something and then all of a sudden, that what it was with pizza somebody fucking said uh pizza's the best some fucking skinny model said oh i love pizza and then all the girls jumped on the bandwagon was like oh how great is pizza i eat it all the time because they want it to seem like a fucking normal person when you know they're throwing it the fuck up. Oh yeah, you're eating pizza like fucking biles not shooting out of your goddamn face 30 minutes later. And then it got so fucking rampant that these bitch beta motherfucking dudes are like,

I love my pizza. Get the fuck out of here, man. Get the fuck out of here, man. Get the fuck out of here, beta. Do your own thing, man. How much do I like pizza? And now let me tell you something. Pizza is fucking so good, dude. But it's not cute to talk about it online anymore.

Ugh, Elon Musk is husband material. Go fucking eat pizza man go fucking eat pizza go go eat pizza go eat half of elon musk's pizza oh and the same girl that'll be like elon musk is husband material will be the same girl that would be like Elon Musk's husband material would be the same fucking girl seven years into the marriage just like all he does is work on his rockets all he does is work on his rockets he ignores me

I want romance you know and then they'd fuck some guy with a long coat oh fuck man what's happening i don't know yeah that's that's the one I don't know. Yeah, that's the one. Fuck. Man, I'm on fucking.

I'm on one tonight. Today. Or whatever, you know. It's a lack of days ago. Fucking. fucking that's what's up i don't know i don't really have anything else i could keep going though i guess when i first started this podcast i was like how the fuck am i going to talk for an hour literally i was like how am i going to do that and i know i do it on stage but like i know what i'm going to talk about. But here I don't. I just kind of fucking talk about what happened in the week.

Sometimes I jot down words or bullet points. But I feel like after three or four episodes, I was like... You know, it just became easier, you know. I guess, all right, so I want to actually announce it. This wasn't even scheduled, but I want to announce an elder. That's what we're going to do. We're going to announce an elder this week. And this is going to go to Grace Ann Parks

G-R-A-C-E-A-N-N-E-P-A-R-K-S and this is just going to go to her for overall support of the podcast she constantly tweets about the podcast I saw her today she was going on a job interview she put it on an Instagram story or something like that

and tagged me something like that and tagged me. Something like that. She was wearing a Chris D'Elia shirt for luck. This girl, I just like her vibe and I like her attitude. And she seems like a real fucking cool person. And I want to make her an elder for constantly supporting the podcast and constantly supporting me. And I want to invite her to join us at the fucking log cabin whenever the hell that's happening. And she's just

a true member of the cult and i fucking like this girl man um and uh uh i just kind of i've you know i don't know her but online i support the kind of uh shit that she does and i think that she's great i think she writes for like she writes articles for for somebody. I don't know. But she seems like a cool chick. So congratulate her, Grace Ann Parks. And there's our new elder. And we'll DM you for the info. And we'll send you your pin and your certificate. So thanks for the support.

And we'll send you your pin and your certificate. Thanks for the support. And yeah, I guess we could do Twitter. Oh, actually, I had some good most fucked up Instagram posts of the week, man. One made me laugh real hard. It was short and sweet. I hope they didn't delete it. This is it.

Okay, here we go. Hey, guys, it's time for the most fucked up instagram post of the week hey dude this one's this one actually made me laugh out loud hard i got it from a dm you guys dm me a lot of most fucked up instagram post of the week sometimes it's how i get them this is a selfie of a of a girl most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Sometimes that's how I get them. This is a selfie of a girl with... Okay. It's just a selfie, really.

It looks like she's driving or something. This is the caption. And then I'm going to tell you something about the selfie. I opened two gifts this morning. I opened two gifts this morning. They were my eyes. Today, I am extremely thankful that I can see what a blessing that is ah

that's the caption dude imagine Dude, imagine waking up and thinking that. Imagine... Oh, God. Here's the thing about that this is how that went down she definitely thought about opening her eyes and how and also opening gifts and thought that like whether she knows it or not she thought oh it's like opening eyes and thought that like, oh, whether she knows it or not, she thought, oh, it's like opening eyes and you open gifts too. Huh? I,

that's kind of cute. Opening eyes. Well, there are, you know, opening eyes is kind of a gift. So that's probably, you know,

I open my eyes. Those are the two best. Like, that's how she thought of that, which is the backwards way of thinking that she thought of the cute thing first and then fucking thought, Ooh, I'll put it on Instagram.

And I opened two gifts this morning and let us down a fucking path a poetic path as poetry you just want it to seem clever okay you didn't walk around all day thinking about how lucky and blessed you are to see i mean unless this girl had i look if this girl had eye surgery and had fucking eye cancer and then fucking now that's why she's posting it then obviously what I'm saying goes out the fucking window because yeah but if you're just reg human

and you're just like man it's so cool I can see you're fucking high. I mean, come on, dude. Today I opened two gifts this morning. My eyes.

Ah, see ya. Imagine that's the person you wake up to next and they just fucking, oh shit. I opened my two gifts today eyes and being like and the papers fucking slowly hit the ground like cartoons and then you arrive to your next destination like like the roadrun. I opened my two favorite gifts today. My eyes. In some other pussy. I mean, dude. There's some fucked up shit out there.

We've got to clean some shit up like this. We've got to clean that shit up before we feed the fucking homeless. Otherwise, it's not going to happen. We've got to clean some shit up like this. We've got to clean that shit up before we feed the fucking homeless. Otherwise, it's not going to happen. We've got to clean that shit up before we fucking fight these fires, man. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck, man man so funny man what the fuck oh okay

alright let's go to Twitter questions I like this one this one's by I can't really see the thing can you turn it bigger

MXLZ. At Max Sleaze, you know? Change it. Not the great climate to be wanting to be known as a sleaze, you know? You jerk off in a plant, Max Sleaze? At Crystalia. There's a guy at my gym who drinks hot fucking coffee while he works out i love coffee but egg gunk congratulations pod gaming the system yeah bro how about this

don't bring any liquids to the gym that can injure somebody. I don't need to get fucking a third degree burn while I'm, while I'm doing lat pull downs. That's fucking dumb shit. They should tell him to fucking take a hike, man. I mean, take a hike. Uh,

don't fucking. One time my uncle got mad at my cousin, my cousin, because my, my cousin was like, just playfully saying like after, after high school, he's like,

I don't really want to go to college. And then my uncle goes like this. Don't go. Don't go then. Like so unwarranted. And it was like so obvious that they had like a previous conversation about it or something. And like so much pent up energy. I was like, don't go then.

You know, be a failure. Don't go. It was so funny, man. We laugh. We laugh. We laugh. What do you? Okay, here we go.

Not Slater. At was almost Slater. I mean, what the fuck? How confused is this guy? Cool, man. Hey, but what are you? Okay, here we go. Not Slater. At was almost Slater. I mean, what the fuck? How confused is this guy? Cool, man. Hey, but what are you? I think we almost were. And what you're not.

But who are you? That's a guy who lives in Albuquerque, by the way. Who are you? He has no idea who he is. He's for sure in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Dude, Albuquerque, New Mexico is so Albuquerque and no other places like that. I know I've said this before, but it's so weird with the Aztec and art. What do you think about the new obsession with cryptocurrency like Bitcoin?

Here's the thing about Bitcoin. I saw a meme page, one of the meme pages I like. I can't remember what it was sorry i can't remember bud um but they were they made a meme about this thing i think that is true though actually bitcoin you could actually buy physical bitcoins now and the meme was like and it came full circle like that's just money you fucking morons well you can buy the whole idea was dude my buddy keegan allen was trying to explain to me about bitcoins and i i literally might as well have just been like this he was like breaking it down and being like, so it doesn't exist, right?

But here's the deal. And I was like, he just said, so I actually don't even know how to mockingly make fun of it. It's how fucking dumb I was about it. He was like, so it's really hard to explain. But, and I was like, okay, I really got to listen. Here we go. And then he started explaining. And by four words in, I was just going like this.

Ah! Wait, wait, back up a little bit. No clue. No clue. What I do know is I have a friend that tells me he invested $200 in it and now has 56 grand. And I know he's wrong. I know he's wrong.

I know he's wrong because he tells me, Hey man, it's up to 56 grand now unwarranted. And I'm just like, Oh cool. I text back and I know he's wrong and I know he believes it. And I know he thinks he has it, but I also know he doesn't have it

and I'll say stuff to him like oh well the interesting thing about that is it's not true I mean dude you know oh this is a good one Christmas spirit one making spirits bright and on horse open sleigh

or the fields we go laughing all the way when did you stop believing in santa claus spelled it wrong no he at the end there fucking uh uh um what was the guy who did that potato? Dan Quayle, dude. I saw a tweet the other day that was like, Dan Quayle not knowing how to spell potato ended his political career, which is true, and it's fucking hilarious. Because now you can murder someone and be the lord of the world um when did you stop uh vincent lechiardone oh hey man are you wearing a wife beater because you're so italian you have pasta in your mouth right now this is how he must have said this

hey when did you stop believing in Santa Claus and did you find out or did someone tell you I mean S Italian Vincent Licciardone hey this is how he fucking tweeted it Vincent Licciardone.

Hey, he's fucking, this is how he fucking tweeted it. Chug, chug. Chug, chug. Chug, chug. No, no, no, please. Chug, chug. Hey, pass that fucking garlic bread. Nom, nom, nom, nom. hey pass that fucking garlic bread when did you stop believing in santa claus and uh uh did you find out or did uh someone tellies.

Hey, that sauce is good. Bring it home. It's like how Ma used to make. Hey, hold on. One for good measure. Not for nothing, but, you know, we got to make sure that it's all done. Get the whole, you know, make sure everything's done. He's shot. Take the sauce. The whole nine.

Come on, carmine let's go carmine get the sauce the fuck is carmine i'm trying to put a whack on this motherfucker carmine the fucking sauce um when did i stop believing in santa claus i was like the last fucking dude to stop believing in Santa Claus? I was like the last fucking dude to stop believing in Santa Claus, for real. As a matter of fact, I was like 11, and my mom told me that there was no Santa Claus, and I think my dad got mad at her

because the next year, there was stuff under the tree that my dad put down. Oh, oh fuck it was actually so cute and he was like hey so you wanted that right and i said yeah and he said was that he said uh um did did did you it was something like he guessed i wanted or something. And he was like, how did, how did Santa know you wanted that? And I was like,

I don't know. I didn't tell anybody. And he was like, huh? So Santa Claus must be real, huh? And I was like, yeah,

I guess so. And he was like, wanted me to, it was like so fucking cute because I knew even as a 12 year old, as a 12 year old, he wanted me to still believe in Santa Claus. And then my mom fucked it up. And I knew they had a kid. I was like, why'd you fucking tell him without me there?

I know my dad said, why'd you fucking tell him without me there? Why'd you fucking tell him? Don't you think we should have talked about this? My mom was like, oh, he's old enough. My mom was like, he's fucking old enough. He's 11. You know? And if it wasn't for that moment, I would still believe in Santa Claus right now as a 37-year-old.

My mom ruined my life. No, I'm kidding. And even if she heard me say that as a joke, she'd still feel bad. Because moms. You know why? Because moms. Moms. Here's some shit moms say.

Oh, well, I am always wrong. That's why why because i'm always wrong that's why right how much do moms say shit like that oh but you know it's okay to make fun of mom isn't it um all right good we're good to go. For some reason, my... Oh, it's probably because my cell phone is next to the thing. Just fucking interference. Cool. One fire. Myself.

In a tragic occurrence of events. One fire. Myself. We're going to wrap up, baby. Listen, man. The merch is stocked. The merch is stocked. Okay?

Go get your Christmas gifts for everybody. Do you know that people are fucking... Congratulations podcast listeners. Dude, do you speak the language to your friends? Go get them a Svokant shirt. Go get them a Kuda shirt. Go get them these fucking shirts. Tell them they're true babies. It's great Christmas

gifts and stocking stuffers. Subscribe to the YouTube channel too. You get the video watch the podcast now babies we take we taking over one city at a time download the crystalia app you get behind the scenes shit as a matter of fact after we wrap up right here i'm gonna shoot a and fucking berate one fire a little bit. Order by the end of the weekend to guarantee domestic shipping by Christmas. Subscribe, rate, and review the show. Tweet me by using the handle at congratspod

or by using the hashtag congratulationspod or the unofficial hashtag, which we don't check, but seems to be always popping up, Gaming the System. And that's from our first elder. Video episodes go up on Tuesdays or Wednesdays, but this one will go up a little bit later than that because we dropped it later.

Upcoming shows, San Diego, we just added another one due to overwhelming popular demand. Riverside on New Year's Eve, come pop some bottles with me. I won't pop bottles, but you can. Winnipeg, Calgary, Saskatchewan and Pasadena. We got new shows coming up and we're going to be adding a link for Tampa, Florida. I'm coming.

Watch all my specials, man on fire or man on fire or incorrigible on that on Netflix or watch white, white, male, black comic, white, male, black comic.

You can get that on iTunes or the Comedy Central app. I'm going to be on The Good Doctor coming up. I'm going to be on The Good Doctor coming up. And then I also have a movie coming out called Life in a Year. And then I always want to call it something else. Life in Pieces. But that came always want to call it something else. Life in pieces. But that came out already with Katie Holmes 17 years ago.

And then I'm going to be on a new show coming out called Alone Together, which is very funny. And thank you for listening. You guys are awesome. Sigh of the fuck Nara, babies. Congratulations. Bye.