Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 461. It's Not Clocking

Episode Date: August 28, 2025

Get a shoutout on Congratulations: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠holler.baby/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🎤 Watch GROW OR DIE on YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠���⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠WATCH⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week Chris dealt with a Tarantula, went to Houston and a mall that was still poppin' and wondered why women read books about mythological sex. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram, X, and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠instagram.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🕺 TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠tiktok.com/@chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🎮 Twitch: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠twitch.tv/chrisdelialive⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 𝕏 X: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠x.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 👤 Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hey, Guys, what's up? It's episode 461 of Congratulations. Talk coming up, September 5th, Capitol Theater. I'll be in Boise, Idaho. The next day, September 6. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Washington, D.C., that's September 12th, and 13th. Pittsburgh, 12th, Washington, D.C., I'll be a DAR Constitutional, September 13th.

And then I have Tulsa, Oklahoma, Springfield, Missouri, Fort Smith, Arkansas, New Orleans, Pensacola, and then I go to Europe. So, go to chryslea.com and get the tickets to the straight of the multivorce tour. So it's, yeah, well, you know, I said it. it's episode 4 i i i i i'm in the cut dude um i'm just in the cut you know hair's still kind of kind of keeping it nice you know i'm not bald i got uh you know did it thin in my late in my mid 30s yeah and then it went and then it was fine and so i guess it's just going to be fine from now on i have a prediction when i turn you know into my 70s it'll start to get really you know i'll get to be i'll get that christopher lower

thing going on. Hi, Marty. But, yeah, so I'm in the cut, guys. I mean, I flew back today from Houston, and it was so hot. And then I got to L.A., and it was hot. And it's too hot. And I'll tell you what, you know, Texas is like another, that down south heat is different, right?

Like anywhere where you're going to be in Louisiana, you're going to be in, you know, You know, by Houston. I don't, I think, you know, I don't know what, what cities in Texas get humid. I think, I know Houston does and some other ones, but, you know, the dry heat in L.A., it's okay. But I will say, I just, I guess I live in a wonderland because this, I, in the same day, I saw snakes, deer. and a tarantula so um i don't want that okay like you you see the deer and you go oh that's beautiful look at the beauty look at the deer it's so beautiful and and and they're like you know in the

front yard and then they run away because you you know because your dog barks or something or billy says on a baba cake and um and then there's a terran now my son is doing this thing where he loves Pokemon. And we know about this. I've talked about this here. Actually, you know what? When you guys should, we grab the thing that you saw? Remember the thing? But the shout out to this couple that always comes to see me. And they made him, he's an artist. I've got to remember his Instagram handle. But he made Calvin something and I'll show it to you when I haven't get rid of gets it. but um the uh pokemon he loves Pokemon so Calvin is basically just running around the house

with so here it is so he made this Pokemon thing right he painted this and check this out dude it has Cal as a Pokemon isn't that cool that's awesome dude he's got the Pikachu in there and there's a thunderball i don't know what that means but this is an extremely rare our Cal card, you're very lucky to have found it. Cool, dude. But that's awesome. And so thanks for that. That was so sweet.

Calvin looked at it in awe, but it was nice. But anyway, we got the Pokemon ball, and he carries it around, and he puts a Pokemon backpack on, and my wife painted a pizza delivery hat over a pizza delivery hat, and it's the same hat that Ash has, which is the guy who catches. them all. And I posted a video, you know, there's been like this, you know, I guess we could call it the tarantula saga on my Instagram. I still have more videos to post. I got part one, part two and all that. But there is a tarantula that was living around near my house. And I, you know, I saw tarantula. Look, I'm not a spider guy. When I see spiders, I go, pion, right? When I see spiders, the next thing you

see are papers like this floating to the ground because I've ran away. Okay. Now, when you have kids, you get a little braver. You get a little braver or I guess, you know, maybe you get worse, but I don't, I don't feel like I'm worse. I got more, I got braver. So is that a word? It sounds like you should be more brave. But anyway, I now can be near spiders because I don't want my kids to be scared of spiders because you don't really need to be scared of spiders you know it's just one of those things that look kind of otherworldly so calvin when he was really young he'd go and pick up beetles and shit and i don't mean wringo but uh i was going well i dressed a lot of fucking Pokemon um so so we went so we he's starting to get like a little bit like

ooh spiders you know because you see enough I don't know what it is but it's like eight eight legs eight legs dude eight legs eight legs that's why honestly the only thing that should have eight legs is four people

and you only need two at most you need three like if you were gonna if we were just consciousness and not humans or anything you know if we were just like an ethereal you know all the words that everyone says when you're not bodies

and you were like okay well we got to make them walk and you go well what's that and you go oh it's traveling it's traveling like with you know you'll use these appendages to just get around you go well how many do you need and you you'd probably go I don't see how you can get by without uh less than three you know because you need one to prop while the others climb forward right so then you could probably agree well a lot of them we have four but then you go well then what about when you're standing up and you need to grab stuff you use your legs and you go well no you'd have to have legs with like things on them to grab so i guess we could call those something else and some guy goes arms and you're like all right how many do you need of those

and you go, well, maybe you'll be doing something with one arm and the other arm, you might need two. So you go, three legs and two arms? You go, at least. Well, you go four legs and two arms? That's too many. You go, no, that's too many. And then one guy who's like a visionary would be like,

what about two legs? And the guy's like, well, you don't have to fall down. How do you do that? Well, you can't have one, can you? No, not unless you're in water. Order, order, order, this leg meeting is to continue. I think we can get by with two.

How? This is absolutely ludicrous. I believe that you can use, you know, I think, have you ever heard of something called balance? order we need to continue this leg meeting what is this balance anyway um and then some guy who's just drunk in the back is like make something with eight eight legs and and and no arms just two little things that come out of their fucking head like that they feel stuff with Order, order, we need order. We need to continue this leg situation. Get rid of fucking Johnny drunkhead.

Now there's spiders because of Johnny drunkhead. So anyway, get rid of leady libations. So, yeah. So anyway, you know, there was a spite. apparently it's so I posted a video of a spider okay now I've lived in Los Angeles southern Los Angeles at that the hotness uh for well it's been let's see 10 bad at adding so I'll do the 10 thing by 10 and then 10 and then three more so that's 23 years okay 23 years I've seen a black widow I've seen a brown recluse those ping those are that big okay

I've never seen a tarantula, okay? The other day, there was one. So I saw my first tarantula in Southern California for 23 years, okay? I've never seen one before. People say that they're in Southern Los Angeles. They're around the south. You know, they're obviously in Albuquerque because it sucks. And then they're in Texas too, right?

But I saw one. It had seven legs. So it either was shedding or got bit by another. Pokemon and it was getting around and so I was like we I was like oh shit I got to step up right because why because my son was kind of laughing but also kind of like should we go near the spider or but he was kind of nervous so I was like I got it so I did the thing that Kristen likes when I do I say I'll handle it but we our nanny was here too okay and I nanny is from like the woods somewhere okay so Kristen is like get the get the spider and

and fucking relocated I'm like can we kill it she's like no you can't kill something if you can like hear it period you know the thing was like I was like, oh, God, I can't. Like, just give me a big book. One of those stupid fucking books you got. One of those stupid Y.A. books about, about women, about women that finally, about women that fucked winged creatures and they eat their pussy too. What's that?

Hey, what are those books, by the way? Do you know how many books there are where women, where they create characters where we're like with women who like meet beasts and get fucking plowed by the beasts and winged guide eat their pussies do you know how many books there are like that there's so many books like that and they're called like you know uh uh fire of the sea or something you know and the guys who do the book the the the audio books it was then he devoured me in between my legs his mouth melted in between my thighs

and dude and as a guy you're just like what and as a chick you're just like oh yeah right you got to like candles if you like candles and read that book oh and you're a chick you're finished you're finished

it's you know calm city so um Anyway, she was like, no, don't kill it. It has a heartbeat. So I'm like, all right. All right, I'll go outside. And our nanny's there.

And she's from, you know, like next to a rock and some trees. So I'm like, hey, let's not tell my life, but you get it. You know what I'm talking about? because you're from like literally you're from where what's the flight united 93 crash like you're from that where right where it crash like in those woods you're from there you know because united 93 crash in your backyard you know i'm talking about and you're back and you were born next to four trees and a fucking patch of dirt right so um so she's like yeah i'll get get it. The nanny's like, I don't go. If I'll get it, you want to eat

it later? Yeah, it's on the Yeah. Did you get me food? Use your fucking eye. She comes in the pocket. Did you get me food? She asks me her food. I said, I'll get her food. She comes in. She said, did you get me food? Before she looks, use your fucking eyes. It's on the fucking island. Anyway. So I'm like, dude, I'm going to get the nanny to get it. And she says, but let's not be doing the thing where we're going to be telling my wife that I told

him to get her dad. Let's get some Tupperware. And then we got a little bit of Tupperware. And I go, nah, a bigger one because I'm not getting close to it. We got to fucking, you know, like throw, throw it. Like here we go, boom. And like toss it and hopefully it'll hit the. So my wife hears me say it to the nanny. And she goes, no, no, you do not let the nanny do it.

You do it. You're the man of the house. And I go, okay, so you admit it. So you admit it then. So then let me make more rules. Let me lay it down more then. You know what I mean? So then listen to me more

If I'm the man of the house When there's a spider around Then let me be the man of the house When I come home And you have half the wall painted In the living room Nobody checked with me Okay?

Let me have more rules Dude But I'm the man of the house When she needs so I go, you're kidding me She'll do it Then Annie'll do it She's like no we got a big problem

And I go Dude I don't want to dry her all up All right so I go get a bigger Tupperware and I'm with Calvin and Calvin's got his Pokemon ball and backpack and Ash hat and I'm like

give me the Pokemon, let's throw it out the spider and he says what? And I was like we got to catch them all he was like no you do that for Pokemon I said well we see what it evolves into he was like no stop it and I'm like come on do we got to catch them all

and then he was like no no That's for stuff like Pikachu. I said, okay, so you couldn't, you don't catch all of them? Can you admit that you only catch some of them? And he was like, no. In the meantime, the spider's just because of Lenny libations.

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Benjamin Moore, see the love. And so I got the Tupperware and I go, here we go. Tossed it. Fucking just in the air. slow motion. And, dude, it fucking covers the spider, and the spider, and the spider just and it, and we tapper-wared it, dude. We got it.

So I go, fucking great, right? Okay? Then what, though? Then what? Get a piece of paper, put it under the thing. No, but whoops, we got Tupperware was too big. So you need a bigger thing. But guess what my wife has?

Crafts out the anus. So I said, do you have a big piece of like cardboard kind of paper thingy? And she goes, I'm way ahead of you, like one of those people, like the sixth lead in CSI every episode. at the computer I'm way ahead of you here he is we got him triangulated just say you found him

you fucking asshole um it pinged the tower just give me the street dude that that's me if I'm if I'm fucking

you know the if I'm the fucking uh just give me the fucking street dude CSI CSI

CSI, 1,000 Oaks. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to have to get the nanny to get the fucking tarantula. Where is it? I've got it triangulated. We've got the... It pinged near the tower.

Just give me the fucking street. Um... So, uh, I... You know, now it's caught. And Billy's coming over. You know, he's two. And he's just like, no fear. zero fear

Calvin will just say shit like why does Billy have no fear like it's like a like it's an active thing Calvin talks about it like it's no like no fear is something on top of fear like there's fear and then you have to activate your no fear

that's how Calvin talks about Billy having no fear why does Billy have this no fear and again Billy he doesn't dude he comes with a he's now he's got his own backpack and the only reason why is because calvin got one for school so billy's like what the fuck i don't want to be jipped i need to i need to have one so we got him a car's backpack he puts nothing in it and he just walks around with a car's backpack and a t-shirt and diapers and he's laughing at this spider active with his no fear

just kind of like hitting it you know and i'm like bill you got to come that you know so we're like we got to relocate it and i got my fucking I got my nanny. And she's just like, you know, looking at it. She's like, just ready. You know what I mean? Because she's from where fucking flight United 93, just she's from the hole of that, of that,

whatever the plane crashed. She's from that hole. And so, so she's frothing at the mouth. Just like, let me out of them. And, uh, and so she, so we get the large,

a cardboard thing or whatever and then slide it under the tupperware and push the Tupperware onto the thing and the spiders just jerking around and shit. We get it. It's

it's enclosed, dude. Okay? Got to catch them all. All right? So got one. So got one. So got one. right so I'm like let's just honestly leave it there to die how long does it take for a tarantula to die

and then I looked it up 15 years hey dude my kids gonna be getting home from college you know let's go visit the tarantula in the Tupperware my nanny dead in the backyard with the fucking you know there's a gravestone that the spider's still there

can't believe I've been locked up for 15 fucking years my son's back from community college my son fucking visiting the weekend

from Cal Arts so yeah so so so I'm like all right, let's get the spider and my wife is like watching me through the window because she's inside and she's like, you better fucking do it. Give me those you better do it eyes.

And I'm on my head, I'm like, all right, I'm the man of the house. I want to make some more fucking rules once I get this once I get spied you out of here. And so I the daddy and I go to pick up the, we put one hand on top of the Tupperware and the other hand under the cardboard

thing, okay? Now we're both got it like this, all right? And we're gingerly walking towards the front of the house. It was in the back. We're walking around the side of the house to the front of the house. And it's a walk. You know, it's a little bit of a walk, right? You know, I've got, I've got to, there's some land there. Stacks, but there's land. And so I walk to the front and then there's a gate to get to the side of the house, which means there's a gate for us to get to the front yard, right? It's the same gate. so we go fuck with this with the spider we go oh fuck i get the gate it's just the two of us so i go all right let me open the gate while you hold the thing and then we'll so she uh i go to open the gate i go to open the gate the cardboard uh uh what do you call it uh craft the paper that my wife has just goes like this, boob, and it gets like sad. It just, you need two people to hold it up. We didn't know.

It wasn't that thick. So I opened the gate, it goes boob, and the tarantula goes, oh, fuck, peace. And leaves. Okay, we can't see it. She's holding the cardboard and the top of where I got the gate. Right? And where is the spider? And she says, Chris, and dude, it was like a fucking movie.

you know what it was like we were the wet bandits we were like the wet bandits from uh home alone she said chris and she looks at me and as she looks at me she turns the cardboard uh the other way and and and the spider is upside down on that back of the cardboard and i go oh shit dude oh my god i go drop it she drops it and with instinct, dude, with fucking crazy. For instinct, for certain, I took the fucking Tupperware. I put it on the spider. Yes, I got it.

Dude, no match. So now it's in the Tupperware a second time with no cardboard under it. I didn't know the cardboard was not flimsy. So I go, fuck, what do we do? Because now it's in like the grass and shit. And I'm just standing on the Tupperware. and it's not clocking to him but I'm standing on Tupperware

and it's not clocking to the spider and and so I go all right we're going to have to get the cardboard under it but how do we do it because the grass is here now dude and I'm like where is the spider and she's like we found it we've got it triangulated

and show me the fucking point where it is and then so we see it i bring the tupperware a little bit closer to some more flat ground because i'm smart okay and then i take some of the the top the cardboard again slip it under this time instead of slipping the cardboard i take the tougherware and i slide it onto the cardboard because i'm smart like that dude okay so now we get it again now we know we learn we learned we learn you live and you learn dude you know your transgressions make you a better person so we now both have it we walk across the street we walk it across the street like it's the fucking

like it like we're like it's a pet you know like we're taking it out so we walk across the street across the street there's like this uh well it's a dry river there's no water there because we live in los angeles and the nanny is like what the fuck do we do and i'm like i think we just got to like throw it out there and she's like okay we want me to like flip it and i was like my wife's not watching it's like yeah i could let you do it and she goes okay here we go take the cardboard she took i took the cardboard and she goes boom and she flips the tarantula out dude and the tarantula flips out of the fucking tupperware and it goes probably 15 feet and it's spinning dude it's just going like this

dude and it was so funny it looked like the it looked like the the tarantula was going oh come on dude it was so and so i don't know where it is but it's out there I would I I should have I should have smashed it with a Y a book but but so it's gone so I leave I go to Houston I come back guess what another fucking spider near the dog ball tarantula yep and my wife leaves it so it's somewhere so you know where it is somewhere isn't that great oh dude where's a spider somewhere oh great the worst There's one thing worse than a spider being where you can see it, right? And we all know what's worse than that.

It's bad when you can see a spider, but you know what's worse? That's creepy. Tell me more about that. So is not knowing where a spider is scarier than knowing where the spider is? Probably. so now I'm like there's another spider and it's near the outdoor furniture so I'm like okay great then they don't bite okay fine so you got to like calm yourself and you're like look it doesn't matter it's fine it's not going to bite us or whatever but it's still like it's like I live in

a fucking rainforest dude I didn't know there gonna be frogs spiders snakes deer like I knew that they were there but I didn't know I was going to see them all that time and I guess that you know but but I looked and apparently August to October and especially this year is tarantula mating season so all those all those two spiders were doing we're looking for some pussy that's all they were doing they were trying to get up in it so god bless right spiders are crazy the way they fuck because they fuck and then they and then they run away because they because a lot of times the the female spider will you know get aggressive with them afterwards like kill them and stuff not just black widows other spiders too did you know

that so it's probably be like yo you let me get some pussy real quick oh all right i'm out of here i got to go go ah no no oh she's got me oh she got me uh oh she got me um um so anyway it's just it was uh it was a it was a it was very very very hot in Houston. I stayed at a place in a hotel that stayed at, um, actually it was really nice because what was it, I always forget the name of these hotels. I can't remember what it's called. The Weston.

Yeah. And, uh, and I was at the, the, the Western and it's, uh, connected to this mall in Houston. And look, I'm, I live in L.A. Okay.

And I don't really go to the mall that much, all right? I live close to LA. I don't live in LA. Oh, closer. But when I'm on the road and I have to go get something at a mall, every time I go to a mall, it's like a zombie apocalypse movie. And this is off limits to the zombie. It's like just quiet. There's like nine people around and only, you know, four workers with all this.

There's just an abandoned story. It's just like, you know, it's not, it's not fucking, it's not really, malls aren't really, Amazon is the thing, right? So I'm like, you know, travel agents like, this one's at the mall. I'm like, I just stay in the mall, you know, it'll be depressing. But at least like I'll be able to go get like an orange Julius if I want it. You know what I'm saying? I won't get that. But that's where the, that's what's at the mall.

So I go to the, I, we stay in the thing. We get out of the hotel and connected to the mall. The mall is, I mean, honestly. Honestly, on and popping. Dude, it might as well be 1992. It is so lit, this mall in huge... It is so lit, dude, that it has an ice-sit-you-not an ice skating rink. And many ice skaters.

It's got high-end shops. It's got low-end shops, but not too low. It goes on and on for days. it's got coffee shops it's got restaurant it's got a oh cheesecake factory yeah it doesn't have a cheesecake factory does it yes it's so lit i'm walking people are recognizing me dude it's you're bumping in it's crick are we in Tokyo dude what is what is where are we how is a mall in 2025 lit as fuck all right h town H-town, Houston is a little bit like Atlanta, but not as much, right?

It's very mixed. You got blacks, whites, Mexicans, a lot of clothes, you know, people are just kind of wearing and everything. Lamborghinis are around and then also you get shot. Right? And it's too hot when it's too hot.

And yeah. So it was it was fan. It was really fantastic weekend though. Fucking we love. Honestly, that Houston improv is really great. Um, So, uh, the, you know, flew out there.

I took Southwest. Sometimes you take Southwest, bro. They got the good flights. It's like every hour of the flight. And you're like, I could, I could deal with it. And, uh, sometimes it's the shit, bro. Plus they're rarely late, you know, Southwest. You get, you, you try United.

It's like, oh, dude, we were scheduled your flight. When is it? Oh, it's 10 days. It's in 10 days now. You're like, what? I have a trip to Europe planned. And they're like, no, yeah, well, you're going to have to cancel. it but here's but here's some free cookies um why is flying so fucking annoying dude

you know what we you do we should go you know how people protest we shouldn't protest anymore we should just go on people strike that's what we should fucking call it oh okay I'm not doing anything then I'm just going to sit in my fucking house airlines will go bankrupt no one's flying. I'm just going to sit on my couch and eat funions, dude. It's a people strike. It's not a protest because a protest is active. Hell no, you got to keep it going. You got to fucking no. No, we want our wages. No, dude, stay home. Don't protest. People strike. I'm chilling. Oh, dude, okay. Oh, you're going to make flying that difficult. Guess what I'm doing, dude? I'm binging the biggest loser. You know how many seasons that has?

Oh, I'll be done. Dude, I'm, I'm not, I'm not going anywhere. Why just survive back to school when you can thrive by creating a space that does it all for you, no matter the size. Whether you're taking over your parents' basement or moving to campus, IKEA has hundreds of design ideas and affordable options to complement any budget. After all, you're in your small space era. It's time to own it. at IKEA.ca. Reading, playing, learning.

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They'll go the cave. They'll cross the line, won't they? Some fucking asshole will cross the line. I just wanted to go to Toronto. I wanted to see the Ying Yang Twins, so I flew to Atlanta. Anyway, it's... I know. It's crazy how nice people are in anywhere else, but L.A.

You know what I'm saying? I was working out the other day in Los Angeles. No, I say Los Angeles in the greater area. I don't live in Los Angeles. I don't work out in Los Angeles, but I say Los Angeles because that's how you know where I live. But it's an hour away. But you get it now. If you're, you know, if you tune in, you get it.

You know, I don't live right in L.A., but of course, you know. And I'm like, there's always a couple. Well, not always. I've seen this couple there at the gym about four times. and they look they're they're you know you'd say

they're very attractive looking if you just look at them quick you know like the guy's hulking he's got nice hair he's got a good face the lady is uh it's got

you know she works out she's very fit she's got like blonde hair big lips you know and um you know they do things like

when they're working out they'll be like all right i'll see i'm gonna be over at the weight rack and they go and they it's fine that's fine i don't learn it's fine but that's okay like i don't there's not like a gross display of affection right but i'm like that um sometimes you just look at a couple and you're like what the fuck do they do dude like not as their job like what kind of things do they fucking talk about in their car what do they talk about like just other people or what do they do they probably talk about like something they heard i don't know you don't know but they're good looking they're people that could just coast through life because of how good looking they are

right it's not like they're the best looking people that i've ever seen but you know what i'm talking about they're good they're fit they keep you know they keep up with their fitness and and they you know she does probably a lot of laser treatments or something anyway And I go to get a smoothie at the gym, right? I get a protein thing, you know, after the gym. And I go walk up to the gym, to the protein, to the, you know, the clerk, whatever you fucking want to call it. And I say, hi, can I get a, and as I say this, I say, can I get a shake with the thing and everything?

This fucking woman comes up, okay? the woman in the relationship and she says hi um to the person that i'm talking to okay she says hi i was there was i was i was here earlier and i was i ordered these two shakes and i just i'm not sure uh where they are or if they're finished yet and i'm i'm like and i'm just like this okay and i go and i look at her and i I go, well, surely this will take four seconds because that's, that's, if you're good, look, I'm, I'm all, if you're in line or someone's in line, or if I'm in line, and someone comes up and just goes, hey, can I get a napkin, though, to the person they're like, oh, yeah. And that person I'm talking to goes, oh, grabs a napkin and then gives it to the person and then walk, all good, right? I get it.

That person didn't get a napkin. They should have got a napkin, whether it's the fucking clerk's fault or the person's fault. whatever it is, you, you know, that's not really rude. The guys are going to wait in line all the way again to get fucking napkins. I get it, okay? But four seconds is what you get or six, you know? And this chick just is just, you know, clocking at this fucking, and then so where do I get?

So when I, okay, right. And by the way, she has her phone, a purse, a bag. And the phone has one of those bigger cases on it, like a fucking piece, like you're a piece of shit, you know? Like, that has like jewels and a tassel on it with cat ears, like a, like a, like, like you're, like, you're just a piece of shit. Like someone's calling. Ooh, let me see what the, what the, who the cat is. So, so, so, so, so she's. there and talking and I'm like, oh, she's going to actually figure out her whole problem

in the middle of my order. Okay. So I go, I literally go like this. I'm facing them because, not because I'm facing them, because they entered into my facing. You know what I'm saying? I'm not moving to be like, hey, what's going on? I'm here and they move into my facing.

So I'm facing them. and this is starting to she's talking about her whole problem so I go like this and put my back to them because I go I'm not if I don't if I don't look then I just

it doesn't exist but I still hear it because she's got one of those yeah and then I was and then what and then so with my app do I and I just wait and I don't say anything

because you know what it's not worth it right it's just not i mean some days that maybe it is but not this day okay the lady goes yeah here are the two shakes they were like somewhere that were that you could have seen but she didn't see it because it took too much work because she was having a fucking cat phone case and she goes she looks at the case she's holding the phone the bag the you know the her purse a banana like a fucking you know a two can she's got too many things and she goes like this, babe, babe, and then hulking dude all the way across the lobby, sitting down in a

comfy chair, texting, babe, I need, you got to come get these. She says, babe, the first time I forgot. She says, babe, and he says, babe, and he says, what? And she says, you got to come get these. And she didn't do it loud enough. And the dude didn't hear her and didn't say what. More seconds went by. I almost said you got to say it again and you got to say it louder. But then the dude.

sauntered up and of course he was wearing flip flops if you wear flip flops honestly what the fuck are you doing like I'm being really serious right now I'm being really serious right now what if you have to run

you're fucked isn't it that isn't that Mitch bitch headbrook joke I have a big who wears flip floor sandals is like don't chase says don't chase me or something I don't know what the fuck it is But anyway, um, so they, uh, so the guy comes up grabs one of the drinks.

I mean, this couple utterly fucking sucks, you know? He comes up with both hands, picks up one drink, like, hey, guys, suck more. and the and the and the the lady then just puts other things under her fucking fake tit and an armpit and then grabs the other one and leaves and then I say to the clerk what a fucking nightmare and she goes and I said uh-uh I can say it you can say it you can And it was just like a nice exchange, you know? You know when somebody I was, you know, if you're like hanging out in a place and a disruptor comes in, you know, like if you're just like, like one time I was at a coffee bean and there was a, you know, a crazy guy came in and he was just like, well, I'm science is everywhere. and they're just saying shit, you know?

And he was so crazy that, look, when somebody is a disruptor and comes into an area, what you do when the disruptor leaves is look at everybody else in the area. Like, what the fuck? That one, did you see that disruptor? And the person I looked at was a hot French woman.

Whoops. So sue me. A jito-z-o-jitovito. You know, so I. I looked there and we go, oh, this is before I was, this is before I was even, I mean, I'm, I'm, I don't know, I was 24. Anyway, we hit it off. Okay. And because of that disruptor, I got sucked off in my envoy. So thanks, disruptor. Right. You know, it's probably disgraceful, but we hit it off. We had a good time. You know, she was nice.

I really, you know. But thanks, disruptor. You know? Um, and this is what this lady was, but, you know, obviously. And we're getting sucked off in my envoy. But yeah, I forgot about that story. And I was like, I'm going to say that on my podcast.

And then I was like, it'll probably be two minutes. And of course, it's 25 minutes. But, um, anyway. Just, can you just be more with your. surroundings that but anyway what i'm trying to say is when a disruptor comes in that's your chance guys single guys to get some e-on that's your chance if you are like nervous about talking to women dude set it up have your friend come be a disruptor and like what the fuck was with that guy oh i don't know hey look what's up and do you see that what that happened yeah anyway

oh yeah did you see weapons yet um you want to go see a matinee of weapons and then you know i don't know you know but you know it's like you can that's a good way to get the you know that's all i'm saying file's done but uh

This fucking Rampage Jackson Roger, this rampage Jackson's kid How he How he beat the shit of this wrestler guy By the way, the world of wrestling It's like Oh, everyone knows it's fake, obviously

I'm not saying like it's stupid because it's fake That's dumb. I don't like what people say that. You go see a play. that's fake you'd go see contagion with Matt Damon that's fake right um but you know wrestling is just it's a crazy thing because it's like like you know you can make money doing it but only at the tipy top right and and And here's the thing, as comics, when you enter the, and I don't like, look, when you're in the back of the comedy club, obviously we're going to be making fun of everything and make fun of each other and all that shit.

But at the diner later, we're also going to be doing that. If we see each other at the daytime, at a target, we're also going to be doing that, right? We don't stop doing comedy because we're off stage. We do, we go on stage because we can't stop doing comedy. you know what I'm saying? And if you're truly good at what your job is and what your passion is, which a lot of these guys in the arts are, yes, dare I say it, wrestling too, you're going to be doing wrestling even when you're not doing wrestling.

You're going to be a wrestler still. Like you're going to be outside with your shirt off more, right? You're going to be talking about wrestling more. You're going to be showing each other moves. You're going to be doing, you know, DDTs at a barbecue, it's just what happens. You're a wrestler, you wrestle,

I'm a comedian, I am going to be making joke, I'm making fun, right? That's just what happened. So this guy, Raja Jackson, Rampage's son, UFC fighter, was at the wrestling, in the wrestling area, during, you know,

a non-performance time, but with a bunch of wrestlers. So they weren't really off, right? Like, they were still kind of like acting as wrestlers. And so one of them met another one. This Roger guy met this other big, big white dude with a big beard. And this white dude who said, you never heard about me?

I'm this guy or whatever. And he took a beer and smashed it on Raj's head now. look, I'm just going to come out and say it. Don't do that, right? Don't ever meet someone and then smash anything on their head. Okay, fine. I get it's part of it. I get it's behind the scenes.

People are filming and all this shit. I still say don't do that. Okay. So Raja goes, oh, well, fuck that i don't play i don't play like that i'll play like that i'll play like that and now you're watching this and you go well yeah he shouldn't play like that this guy this white guy deserves a beat he's ass beat but then you realize oh these wrestlers were doing wrestling not in a ring because they're wrestlers it's literally like if a comedian roasted someone else and they got their

feelings certain you go dude this is what we do okay They live a different world. So I go, oh, it's kind of part of it, right? They explain that to this Roger guy. And he goes, I. And the white guy goes, dude, I'm sorry, man. I thought you were a part of it. We're just chilling.

I'm very sorry. And I go, it's all good. No worries. All right. Then the performance starts, right? Where they're all wrestling and doing tag team and tagging each other in. and it's Roger's turn to get in the ring

and this white dude is in the ring and the white dude is like, you know, getting, you know, he's getting, he's getting it from one of the other wrestlers. He's like, dizzy. Raja taps in and picks him up, smashes him hard on the ground where he hits his head.

And obviously it's like, you go like, ooh, that's a little much, right? Because wrestling looks pretty dope until a real thing happens. And then you go, oh, yeah, all that other shit was fake. Once a real, once something really happens where they're not, you know, where like somebody gets a concussion or fucking smashes their teeth and you go, oh, right. Yeah, this is actually what it really looks like. Oh, I don't want to watch this. So his head gets smacked. And then this Raja guy gets on him and punches him in the

face, uh, over 20 times. And I mean, the guy, I, it looks like the guy died. I, it looks like the guy dies he didn't he went to the hospital but so everyone is like holy shit he's going to get jail time and then also this roger guy was on a stream earlier saying like you don't fuck with me man or i guess it was afterwards he was like you don't fuck with me i'm tired to get fuck with him tired of getting bullied so that shows intent dude the fucking lawyers he streamed the whole thing if you're going to do criminal activity don't stream it but Dude, crazy. Oh, everybody takes everything.

No matter what happens, though, everyone takes everything and pushes whatever narrative they want about it, right? Because I saw another UFC fighter that was like, look at this. One of the other wrestlers' friends was telling him to get back at him. And I was like, what? And I looked. And the guy was like, it's your payback time, man.

You got to go get him, you know? Get his receipt. Get your receipt from that guy. guy because he did that thing you're with the with the can on your head and everyone's like oh he betrayed him and it's like dude i don't think that fucking wrestler with the cowboy hat and spandex thought that the guy were going to try to murder him i don't know but it's it's rough it's rough to watch god damn so shout out to everybody involved i hope that it's all good what's this

this girl's dad found her dildo oh god I mean you know just fucking nightmare city I tell you what this Reddit never works

on what do you call it yeah on safari like what the fuck is up with that oh yeah she changed my default browser here we go here it is my dad just found my dildo and told me and told me with fucking AI Trump

oh my god dude dad of the year this is amazing she's crying hi sweetheart there's no reason to be embarrassed but I found your green goblin or that's what your mother used to call it you should be a bit more

careful about what you leave in the bathroom Your younger brother is in there all the time for like hours on end. Please keep these things private. To be frank with you, I didn't believe it when I first saw it. These things are so much bigger than I remember. Anyways, take it easy, champ. You're not training for the Olympics. Let's keep the bathroom, a family-friendly space.

And don't worry, I won't tell mom. Love you. Yeah, per dot as so. That is, oh, that's amazing. What a good dad, dude. What a good dad and a great Republican. that is so funny but it wasn't

somebody says an ad I don't care and uh you know uh I am not um am not I don't know it's up with this

it's so interesting that like women will have a dildo because I guess it's safer than just going out being like anybody want to throw it in. That Bonnie Blue woman got kicked out of Onlyfans, which is a feat, you know, but she got kicked out because she was going to set up a tent in like something like, you know, piccadilly circle square or whatever the fuck they call it or like you know some foot trafficy place and they're going to block it off and she was just going to stay there for all day while guys

just came lined up and in and out and fucked her and she was like anyone could get this pussy uh have you not you didn't hear this yeah dude and only fans goes hey actually we stop right before that. Let's just keep it at people shitting on their feet is the worst thing. So they kicked her out and she's going to get a deal with like probably, you know, what is the other one? Fansley. I don't know. And I think it's Fansley.

Right? My buddy Ryan does it. Oh, you're saying like I'm pretending like I don't know it? no i know it from uh the pillow talk guys but uh not because i i don't score to it but um um yeah so she was gonna do that and then she got fucking but that's like bad dude it's crazy how much porn and sex sells like this woman just all of a sudden she's like hey everybody fuck me and then ups goyardo you know Hey, everybody, throw it in.

Whoops, Puerto Fino. Hey, everyone. Throw it in. Whoops, a month in the Maldives. You know, it's like, create ascar. Hey, squirt me, escargo every, every meal. Disgusting would throw up. Only a common escargo.

go. Anyway, dude. Disgusting. So it's like, it's a wild one. I didn't do my dates. I'll be in Salt Lake City. I'll be in Boise, Idaho,

Pittsburgh, I think, and Washington, D.C. Oh, I added Copenhagen. Oh, I I think I'm going to, I added Amsterdam, another show in Amsterdam, London's about to sell out, go get tickets, chrystalia.com. I hate when I forget to do my dates, but it's okay. Put them on the link.

Just be like, oh, yeah, under it, be like, oh, yeah, check the comment, you know. We do that anyway, but it's all good. And shout out to Houston. I had a good time, man. I really did. In Miami, I don't want to brag. in Miami, I got four standing ovations into five shows in Houston. I have four standing ovations out of five shows.

It's all good. Dude, Danny, Danny kills, right? The guy who I bring to feature for me, he kills. He's on that Kevin Lang show, right? On YouTube, he's getting too famous, by the way. I walk around with him, and now people are, like, recognizing him, and sometimes not me. And I go, all right, dude. But, um, he, he, he, he did.

He went on stage before me, got a standing ovation as the feature, which is crazy. Nobody's there for him. They're there for me. And the dude gets a standing ovation before I go on. Now I got to go to real actual. So now I got to really, I go, all right. So I go on stage and do 80 minutes. Really give it to him, dude.

And your boy doesn't really usually do 80 minutes. Did 80 minutes. and fucking shut it down but it was fun dude and yeah the yes also they stood for me ha ha jokes all good but i really appreciate you houston i love you and uh i'll be back i think i'll always do that club because here's the deal i'll do i do theaters too and houston the market whenever i do a theater in houston i don't sell crazy tickets i do the club i do crazy tickets man i don't get what houston is about the theater i can't do a fucking theater i see burr chrysher at the energy center where the goddamn you know who knows who's

who what sports team i don't know the houston burr chrisher's and um but anyway so uh come see me chrys lea dot com appreciate you and thank you motherfuckin fuck you scared fucking fucker and fucker record I'm over the fucking child

for motherfucking