Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 463. Broccoli Head and The Responsible Loser

Episode Date: September 4, 2025

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So this week was a week that really doesn't, you know, not the kind of week that I normally do. I had it off on the road And I went to I'll get into it I went to Vegas but well first of all let me Look I went to I went to Vegas okay Yes I did

God I I had fun But before I get into that I'll be in Salt Lake City Boise Pittsburgh Pennsylvania Washington DC Tulsa Oklahoma Springfield Missouri Fort Smith Arkansas

New Orleans and Pensacola, Florida. And then I've got my European tour. I got two Amsterdam shows that sold out, added another one. Stockholm, Copenhagen, a bunch of different places. Go to chrisalaya.com. Appreciate you.

But yeah, I got, look, this guy who does this celebrity poker tournament asked me to do it. asked me to do it for years, I've been saying maybe one day. And then I, and I've been saying, like, let's see if we can get it worked out, but I'm on the road a lot. And then it finally just fell on a weekend that it was going to work. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to, I guess I'll go, right? Do I play poker? No, I haven't played in, I mean, I haven't even played in, I would say probably, I honestly probably haven't played in over, probably 20 years. Uh, I don't play poker.

And so I'm like, all right, I'll go. I fly to Vegas. And, you know, I don't really want to leave home because I, I'm like, oh, man, I get to be, I could be home with the kids and all that and the family. But I go anyway because I'm like, you know, maybe it'll be fun and good to do. So I went and it was like me and, you can watch it on my YouTube on my other YouTube channel. I streamed it, but it's up there, the Celebrity Poker Tournament. And it's basically me and then there were some other guys there.

A lot of football players, maybe one or two rappers, all the Waka Flaka Flame didn't show up. And then Jay Wow, who's from the Jersey Shore, right? And then some TikTok people and a YouTuber. you know or two you know uh and i think i was the comedian yeah uh and i was like uh all right i'll go i went i went to Vegas on a friday night the thing was going to be on a saturday i'm like let me go in the night early i fell asleep at uh 1130 in my room like a like a like uh like just someone's uncle like a like a like a dad like the dad you know uh i just was i was fall i was in the room i went let's see i had by the way dude i i can't

believe i did this okay i wore shorts on the plane all right second time ever landed kept wearing the shorts uh went to uh down in the casino area got a bite to eat in the shorts went upstairs took the shorts off i'm like i'll put pants on if i'm going to go out later stayed in bed watched the original I know what you did last summer and then fell asleep and then woke up the next day and put the same shorts back on okay now that's extreme shorts wearing for me I don't wear shorts uh at night I certainly don't wear shorts at night I don't travel with shorts on I wear them if they're extremely hot but I was like, you know what? I'm probably not even going to go, outside of Vegas, it's going to be

100 degrees. It's going to be like a no shorts wearing type of deal, but I wore them and I just kept wearing them, dude. I'm just testing out the. Um, so I wake up, I put the same shorts on and I go, um, let me go down and get a coffee. Let me go down and get a coffee in Vegas because just because I'm in Vegas, you know, I used to not want to say Vegas. I used to want to say Las Vegas. I never really liked when people said Vegas instead of Las Vegas because it's shortening it, but it's disrespecting it, right? Like in my head, that's the kind of stuff I think of. I go, I'm not going to say Las Vegas. I'm all right. Sorry, I'm not going to say Vegas. I'm going to Las Vegas because that's what it is. And a lot of bros think it's like, you're going to

Vegas? Like, they think it's cool to shorten it. And I, that's not me. But what happened was it's way too convenient to do it. And you kind of look like a try hard if you don't. So you can't meet them, join them. So now I say Vegas. Anyway, that's kind of an aside. It's neither here nor there. But went to go get coffee, all right?

Uh, oh, man, this is really frustrating. I'm, uh, I went to go get coffee at a, first of all, walk right by the Starbucks, because it's, oh, I stand at the ARIA, okay? The Aria is a really cool hotel. I guess it's a hot spot. Magic mine right here. And I went to, uh, past the Starbucks, okay, walked to a place called, what is it? Like, easy donut.

I don't know what the hell, you know? Just some spot with, that looked like it had cool, cold brew. So I'm like, let's do it, dude. Let's get it. let's get involved here at the promenade of the aria go get the coffee all right as i pay for the coffee with my credit card the biz card because yeah i'm not on the road but kind of am so let's charge it to the biz account all right put it in the little thing oh phone call call from home as I'm paying. Pick up FaceTime with Calvin and my wife. Guess what? Calvin opened up a

Pokemon pack and got a very rare Mutu card. Okay? So I go, what? He's flipping and I'm excited. Not because I'm on YouTube. I care my son's happy. And I go, get out. And Kristen's like, it's worth this much. She's wrong, of course. But you know what I mean? She's just saying she's worth $300 is not, you know, probably not. Is it worth less, uh, what is it, less than 300? Probably. Less than 250? Probably. Is it less than 215? Probably. Is it less than 200? Probably. Probably. Is it less than 150? Probably. Probably. probably um so now i'm i as i get the i get the can you sell it for fifty dollars or can you not would you not be able to sell it to fit for five dollars probably would you

be able to sell it for three three dollars and fifty cents probably um in a in in these economic times would you be able to maybe maybe get a dollar for it probably so um but i'm You know, I'm doing the show. I'm doing the song and dance I'm happy about it. Take the coffee, go. I would say it's 20 paces behind me. Sit at the bench. Like a, you know who sits at a bench in Las Vegas?

On a, you know how like they'll have just like benches around? You know who sits on those? Losers. Okay. Sat on it. Drank the coffee. And honestly, just kind of chilled.

I sat there. I just sat there for a little bit waking up, letting my body do everything it needed to wake up, drank the cold brew to get my body activated. Okay, I'm there for 20 minutes. I'm FaceTime, hang up, I'm chilling. I get up from the bench. I got my phone and I do everything I do

that when I get up somewhere, when I'm, especially wearing when I'm wearing shorts. Check my phone. Check my wallet. My wallet is not in my pants. So I look under the bench. It's not under the bench. So then I go, oh, I must have left it over at the coffee place.

Went over to the coffee place. I said, hey, did someone leave their wallet here? And they said, no, lost my wallet. So lost it, okay? Lost the wallet, all right? Now I'm like, oh, fuck what, dude? And it's these shorts. It's the shorts

Because pockets on shorts And khakis They go like this They slant Hey pockets Be this way What the f Pockets

Always be this way Because when they're this way And you sit down Whoopsie Daisy Whatever you got in the pockets Whoops It falls out it stumbles out or you got it halfway out of your pocket like this and you walk by you're like

that that's coming out of your pocket and the guy's like oh sorry some dad oh thanks some dad pushes it back in but dude i get up wallets nowhere and i go oh well i must have dropped the con i can go back hey uh someone turned a wallet no no but then i'm like who's steed what's got to be somewhere is under the trash can is it the Is it, is it, is it, did I throw it away in the trash can? I look in the trash can. And now I'm like, oh, no. So I text my VIP guy because, so.

And I'm like, hey, dude, can't find my wallet. Is there a way to get, look at the cameras that are everywhere in Vegas, dude, because I'm smart. Oh, and guess what, dude? I checked the phone. I was talking to my kids and wife at 10.55 a.m. So I have the exact timestamp that I might have left the wallet over near the easy donuts cash register. So check it at 1055. Hey, yes, dude.

I'm Columbo in this. I'm Columbo in this bitch, right? I'm Columbo in this piece. I'm Columbo to pieces. So I go off. Oh, it's going to be. Awesome, dude. I'm excited I lost it.

Because we got to check. We got to go into the brains of the Vegas. And I'm fucking here for a celebrity tournament. Hello? They're going to stop Vegas until I get my wallet. I text his surely. So then I go, but lost and found. Hey, lost and found the wallet.

We got to fill out a report. Oh, we got to fill out a report. Okay, well, let me fill out report. Well, I want to check the cameras. Well, it's really hard to check the cameras. Oh, and I go, oh, no, it's not. In my head, I go, what's not? Well, the cameras are here.

you just go your check if i can't go somebody go look the wallet is goddamn mint green you'll see it i sometimes have my air tags in my wallet i didn't this time like that would matter if someone took it they take the fucking air tag out of it but i always to remind myself like that i always have to remind myself of that because i get pissed off and then i have to remind myself dude even if i had the air tags in the wallet and someone stole it i would absolutely they would take it out and they would throw it somewhere else right in the trash can in the dumpster You'd think you threw your your wallet away in the dumps. You'd get in the dumps.

You'd get in the dumps. You'd get fucking mustard all over you in rat shit. And then you'd be like, nah, man, it's just the tag. The guy threw it away. So, you know, small time crook. So I go down to the thing and they're like, we have to fill out the thing. So I fill out the thing. And then the lady's like, I'm going to get a report writer to come to see you right now so we can get this handled.

And I go, fucking great. Okay. 40 minutes goes by. I'm, you know what I'm doing? Standing. Okay. Now, I'm standing in the middle of the casino at the loss of found. Everybody's just like walking by.

Oh, can I get a picture? And I'm like, oh, fuck. Okay, yeah, sure. You know? So I'm like lost my wallet. Now I'm, now I'm, now, now it looks like I'm hired by the aria. It looks like I'm hired by the aria to take pictures. All right.

And, uh, I'm, so I'm texting a VIP guy. I'm like, yo, dude, is. Is there any way that can you get? It's like, oh, yeah, we're trying to get through it. Don't worry. I'll take care of it. You, you go. So I go, all right, cool.

So I leave now I'm in Vegas with no wallet, no money, no cards, no ID, and only a phone. Dude, thank God for Apple Pay, all right? Thank God for Apple Pay. so i'm apple paying the shit out of everything right i don't even know i have money in that account i'm just apple paying the shit out of everything okay coffee sushi fucking pastries another coffee mince waters just apple pay over at the apple pay uh center whoever's at the apple pay the in the brains of the apple pay it's just like oh what the fuck delia's going crazy Sum's up with Delia

He's at the Aria doing Apple Pay so much Um So now I'm like All right well I got no wallet It's so weird to have no wallet So go they'll find it I don't think anyone took it right I mean maybe they did

But then again it's like you you steal the wallet There was not much money in it But you'd see my ID and you go Isn't that that fucking asshole and they probably throw it away they say fuck this guy right I always think everyone hates me whoops and so

ever since I was a little kid um ever since I was a little kid I walk in a room I think everybody hates me anyway um um um

uh so I try he says try to have fun you know how he or whatever he says he says you know i'm going to reimburse you for the flight that you took because i booked the flight i'm going to give you cash the dude who who does the celebrity poker thing i'm going to give you cash for us you have some cash have some walking around money i'm like dude i'm a i'm his girlfriend now at this point i'm a bitch hey uh i got to go to this guy hey daddy can i get some cash you know just chewing bubble gum

thanks daddy like a fucking bitch dude I'm a I'm a you know what I am dude a skinny woman with like

fucking clothes that don't fit they're too big yeah thanks for the thanks for the cash daddy and um so I'm like I got to this interview at one

for the poker tournament I do it everyone's talking about us sorry about the wallet and I'm like I don't want everybody okay everybody knows about our answer right it's all right do the wallet uh so so do the uh interview come back come back at five we'll do shoot the show i'm i'm so pissed off i don't have my wallet dude i was i guess what he did me meaning me hey shorts you're going to make me lose my wallet well guess what shorts you're remaining on my body the whole day. So I went to shoot the fucking thing with shorts on. Now, I've never shot anything in shorts except this podcast. Got him on now. That's it. All right. But I'm like, all right. Shorts want to play, huh? Shorts want to play, huh? All right. Shins are coming out. Shins are staying out. And we're going to this. Celebrate poker thing. I'm there. Now, look, I am out of the loop on who people are. But I'm there at the celebrity poker tournament.

And I'm looking around, think, not only do I not know who anyone is that is famous, I'm thinking that guys who, like, work at the aria are popular YouTubers. The fuck do I know. I thought a little guy was a fighter and he's just like, oh, I'm just here. I'm like, oh, you don't fight in UFC? He's like, no, I'm like, oh, but big fan, though. Oh, okay, thank you. I'm like, oh, I thought this guy had a belt.

I thought this guy was like, I literally was like, were you on fighter and a kid? Are you been on fighter and the kid? And he's like, what? I'm like, the fighter and the kid, you know the guys? He's like, what guys? I'm like, you know the guys, Brian and Brendan? He's like, no, no, no, I haven't been on the podcast. I don't know what you're talking about.

I go, oh, you're just a guy. That's how much. Like, it's one thing to not know who the famous people are. It's another thing to fill in the blanks for non-famous people and putting them up on a famous pedestal. Be like, oh, yeah, how many YouTube scribes you have? I don't know. You want something to drink? Oh, yeah, I guess I'll have a club soda.

With shorts on and no wallet. Just beat a piece of shit. Shins out. With my Batman Return shirt on. So I'm like, oh, at least Waka Flaka is going to be there, right? Because Waka Flaka is someone I know. No. It's the only guy I know. And I don't mean no. I mean, I know him personally. He came to my show in Las Vegas. And we've got each other's numbers. So I text Waka Flaka. Hey, dude, I heard you on the celebrity poker thing.

Can't wait to see you. Like, like, and then I asked the guy. I asked the guy, the guy who gave me the cash. I said, hey, dude, Waka Flaka's here. He's like, actually, he just got a gig. He's not going to make it. So I go, oh, shit, okay. on September 5th. I think I'm down here with you. Array! Array! Array!

The Conjuring, Last Rites. Only in theater September 5th. So they got me at the main table. go to the main table. No, I don't know how to play. No, I don't want to say that. I don't not know how to play poker. I do know how to play poker, okay?

But when we sit down, it's me, J.WOW, the Crisleys, like three of them, you know, the people who have that show that are famous, they were nice enough. They got that Chase Chrisley dude who was nice enough, sat across from him. And then the Todd, Chrisley, dad, and then is it Julie Chrissly, the mom? I'm right next to her. And immediately, I was like, oh, I know this show from what I think Kristen used to watch it or something. I don't know. And then there's Paul Pierce, who I know as a basketball player.

And then there's two, and it's sports announced, the SPN guy. And there's two other guys. guys. Okay. And I don't know who they are. And I go, I'll figure it out. One of them is a cross for me. His name's Josh. And I as a, I'll figure it out. I look around the table. I don't know who anyone else is, all the other tables. I see this guy, Bradley, who has that podcast, who I know from following on him on Instagram. I see, you know, Jose Konseko and then his daughter, Joe. Ozikun Seiko. And then, you know, these are the people that are there.

And then, you know, everyone else who just with the, some people have just the broccoli hair. And I'm like, that's a YouTuber or a TikToker. But anyway. Oh, the guy with the sign with the who holds a sign on Instagram. I'm just like, what? Anyway, I do. I start, I start playing the poker.

I start playing the poker. And I'm like, how much do you? And I realize, this is what, this is what. it is. Okay, you get $200,000. You bet it. And then if you lose, you lose. If you come in the top six, you make some money. You place. First place gets $20,000. Second place gets $10,000. Third place gets $5,000, so on, so on, okay? Until you get like one guy gets $1,000 or something. I don't. So I sit at the poker table and we're off and they start playing. And then I realize, oh, dude, I don't even know what kind of poker we're playing. I haven't thought about it at all. At all. I just go, oh,

and they're like, they give us three, they give us two cards. And I go, I don't know what to do with these two cards. I look at the two cards. And then the dealer starts putting out their cards. I'm like, oh, we have to match our cards with their cards. Okay, I know what this poker is. I get it. So I start playing. All right. Now, the whole thing lasts five, six hours. There was one time the guy across from me, it was between, you know, me and a group of people, the guy across from me got this great hand. And I go, the guy that I didn't know what he did, Josh.

And I'm like, I don't know what kind of celebrity is. I didn't want to ask him because I didn't want him to get offended. Like, I don't care when people don't know who I am, but I don't want to, like, you know, maybe people get weird about this shit. So I'm just like pretending I know who he is. Like, oh, yeah, dude. It could be a big damn lawyer for all I know.

And so he won this hand and I go, oh, yeah. I'm going to go celebrate with him, you know, to be nice. And I went to go shake his hand and hug him. And he grabbed my hand and pat me on the back and then jumped up and down. And that was when I realized, oh, he's a football player. And, and, and, and I'm getting injured. I, dude, I, he grabbed me. I go, and then he grabbed my hand and he pulled it in.

And I go, holy shit, he starts, you know, the, the shoulder went out the socket. And I go, oh, my God. Okay. In my head on, he's just fucking throwing me around like a rag doll. And I'm like, oh, this isn't, it's not real money. Yeah, we're not placing. And, and, and, dude, this is, I'm thinking of, and I'm like, fuck, dude, I'm 45. And I'm not, like, I'm big.

I'm, I'm 6 to, two, two something. But so is, you know, he's, so is he, I guess. But I, but I was built just rock solid. I go, that's what an athlete is, dude. Wow, it was crazy. I go, oh, this guy's fucking playing football right now as we celebrate. And I'm just like podcasting. So he broke me all up.

And then I sat down and I'm down to $50,000, which is nothing in this thing. All right. I went all in and I win. okay and I keep winning and I keep winning and now I'm realizing dude now I'm realizing as I'm looking at all these different people come and go at my table because I was at the main table I realize oh dude I actually there's a strategy to this I can tell I was worried about Paul Pierce until he got too drunk and then I go there's no way he's going to he's going to lose all his money in like the next two hands and he did and I go because he drank he shouldn't have drank too

much. And then another person sits down and they got the glasses and they're badass and they're cool. And I go, oh, dude, I bet this guy is bluffing because, you know, and I realize, this is what I kind of do when I'm doing stand-up. Like, I'm reading the audience. And then I go, fighters are probably good too because they read people, you know. Maybe a golf, there was a golfer there. That guy, Michael Block. He's probably good. He got out first. But, you know, if he was really paying attention, he might have done well because he's good. He's a golfer. But anyway, I'm like, like, I'm like, oh, I'm just kind of like, I can tell what's going to happen. I'm going to be conservative until the blinds come.

Then I got to do the blinds, but it's okay to fold. It's okay to fold on a blind. Um, and, uh, I don't know why that phone, you know, when phones comes in. Oh, God. And now she's going to, could hit quit. Um, so now I'm like, oh, and I, and I, and I bluffed the shit out of somebody. And I knew it was going to work. I knew it was going to work because of what they were doing in their history in the game.

And I did it. And I won. And then I started winning. And then I'm like, I go, I make place here. This is, now I'm going to try. Okay. I get to third place and get knocked out. You can watch the video.

It's on my thing. I get to third place. And dude, I played it right. The guy, I had a 90% chance of winning. the hand and the guy still won because he pulled the one card he needed to pull and I lost and I got kicked out and I go fuck it's okay I'm not I'm not competitive dude I'm really I'm really not and then I go and then I look and I say I made third I was like oh wait a minute dude because I kind of like wasn't thinking about this part of it I said I'm I won money I won money

I won $5,000 here. So I'm like, awesome. Who do I go to to get the money? And they go, that guy, I point to that guy say, hey, yo, what's up? I get the money. He's like, okay, can I get your ID?

And I said, oh, oh, you know what? I actually lost my wallet earlier today. And the guy goes, oh. And I said, well, that's okay, right? You know, he says, do you have a player's membership card? And I'm like, no. But if I did, it would, would have been in my wallet, right? So no.

Because, oh, your passport? I said, no, this is America. And I came from America. Oh. Oh. you have like a picture of your driver's license and I say yeah here's a picture of my driver's license he looks at it and he goes like this yeah that's not gonna work I say well okay well that how do how do I

how do I get the money and he was like well when you do get your idea you can come back and get it and I was like oh I don't live here and he was like well we'll keep it for you and I'm like hey I'm me. You just saw me get third place. I'm still here. Give it to me. Even if I'm not me,

I'm still the guy who just came in third. What? I didn't leave. It's me. The guy who came in third. Why do I need ID to prove to you I'm still me when you've been looking at me the whole time

and you have video of it there's proof I'm still me they go our hands are tied so much red tape so much corporate bullshit and I go you know what I'm going to do I'm going to go back to Los and found they're going to have my wallet at this point

I'm going to come back I'm going to get the 5K they're not going to be able to keep because this is what I think they're going to win the money and they're going to go out or they're going to keep the money they're going to try double it I know this shit they think I'm not going to

gonna pick up because i'm a celebrity think i'm not gonna come back and pick it up i'm gonna pick it up they better have it i'll brick their legs right not really but um so i go back to the lost and found hey did you guys check the cameras what oh it's gonna be one of these fucking things now did you guys check the cameras what the cameras because i had my wallet what did you lose my wallet i hate shit like that i'm looking for my wallet okay let me check this what did you lose my wallet i just fucking said my wallet dude that kind of shit drives me nuts why did i say it before this if i was going to say it now too so so he's like oh yeah i see it right here mint green wallet yeah no no update i said oh did they check the cameras i don't know did

you fill out a report yes well they have to make sure to do that a report and they'll get a text if you dude they don't know like just didn't just the amount of fucking bullshit yeah i know i got i don't they got other things to do i know that and i know i'm just a guy who lost his wallet i get that but just check this one off the the do list right 10 55 a m how many people lose their shit know exactly when they lose it and then come with like a receipt when they lose it and say oh this is where i was exactly when i lost it you know what i mean i'm being the responsible loser is what i'm being And I just Apple paid the shit out everything the rest of my trip, dude.

Didn't have it. Check this out. Check this out, dude. Okay. Oh, yeah. Still got to get home. Oh, yeah. Still got to fly.

Oh, yeah, dude. it's post 9-11 oh yeah I couldn't even get the 5K when you could see I was still me how are you going to know it's the real crystallia trying to get on fucking jet suite to get home I live in Vegas now I'm not leaving

I can't leave unless I Uber home 19 trillion dollars so I'm like fuck dude my wife's like I'll overnight you your passport and I'm like you can't because it's going to be Sunday and there's a holiday on Monday and she's like it still works it's FedEx

it's not the I go no it's not going to work she's not going to do it she did it calls me from the FedEx place so I can't do it because it's Sunday on the fucking do and gang gang gang gang gang gang gang if you'd like to make a call please hang up message C-F I know, dude. I live in Vegas now.

Fuck it. I'm a hooker. I'm a hooker now here in Vegas. I'm gonna, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, so I'm like, all right, well, text my travel agent.

This is, because my wife signs, on my computer. I'm silent. So I, uh, I, uh, so now I'm like, uh, I'm like, okay, well, I'm, I'm, like asking my travel agent, oh, man, I don't know my ID. Am I going to be able to get home? She says, yeah, it's possible. Like, you know, just do extra background check. I go, all right, cool. I leave early, they say. So I say, okay, so I leave. I get to the airport two hours early because I'm like, fuck this, dude. It's not going to be my fault. Okay. I'm a very responsible loser.

Do you understand? If I come. from one if I'm down one I'm doing everything I can to get up that one right okay let's get back even let's possibly get plus one plus two okay and let's not make anything be my fault I'm walking around I'm being very polite hello how are you hi oh it's nice to see you oh very cool oh yes oh no I did the perfect thing I did the right thing that I was supposed to do so I could this is not my fault I'm doing everything I'm going to buy in my little yes I was the asshole that lost the wallet but can you Google me you know I'm like I'm going to walk him up And I'm going to, when I go up there, I'm going to be like, just Google me.

But don't go too far down on Google. Do the first page. And that's it. That's me. Can you tell? There we go. Okay. Don't go too far.

Right? And so, I get to JetSuite, which is like this, its own company. It's a different airport that you go to. It's like a, I guess it's sometimes a little more money to, fly with it than it is to go to a regular airport and they only do it from like Vegas to San Jose to L.A. to, you know, I think that's it. Maybe Tahoe. They got like very close flights that they do. Puddle jumpers. Not puddle jumpers. You know what I mean. And so I'm like, all right, uh, I get there and I look and there's three people I can go to and I go, oh, who's the nicest one? You know,

you ever do that? We're like, who's the one that's not going to fuck me the most? And you go, probably that guy but he's with somebody so I got to go to the other person fuck all right I'm gonna go I'll go and she goes like this so I walk over there and I say hi okay so look I don't have my I my wallet was stolen but I'm me the good news is the good news is I'm me what do I have to do to get on the plane and she goes oh okay well I can refund you your money did you hear me what have to get on the plane?

He goes, we don't allow that. I was like, hmm. But that's not true because everybody always tells me that they've done it. I mean, you know how many drunk fools lose their ID in Vegas? She goes, we can refund it, and maybe you have to get another flight, but you have to go to the real airport. And I go, ah, is there anyone above you here? And she says, yeah. I said can I talk to them she's like sure the lady comes up way nicer thank God

she's like hi so here's the thing we don't have TSA here we don't have actual TSA government funded so we can't do the extra background check on you so we'd have to refund you your money and you'd have to go get a flight so I go I got to go to the fucking air but kind of walk there and she was like no I'm like Oh, my God. She's like, look, I look up flights. I get a flight. It's at the same time still.

I, they get me an Uber to go to the real airport, okay? Bro. I go to the real airport. And I'm like, am I going to even be able to get on this one? Do I even have enough time? I walk up to the counter. I get like the last seat on Southwest. I'm like, I'm boarding.

Like, I'm like, I'm like group G number 1,300. and 60. I'm going to be basically I'm sitting on the fucking toilet in the back. Oh, you have this sitting on shitty toilet seat. It's sorry. It has to be shitty. You can hold on to the tail. Just. And so, so, um, I, uh, I get the, um, I get there and I say, hi, yeah, look, I, this sucks, but I lost my, my wallet. I don't have. have my ID. I have a flight. And she's like, oh, okay. She's like, you want to pay for your bags? I go, yeah. She says, okay, with what credit card I say, I don't have one. And she says, oh, we can't do Apple pay. So now you got to carry. Now I'm carrying my bags with me. Okay. And they're heavy.

I should have checked them. But she was like, they'll just take them when you go, when you get up there and they'll do it for free. So I'm like, I'm like bringing my bags through security. And I'm like, I'm fuck, dude. I live in Vegas. I get there and I say, hi, can I. Can I. Can I get in and then and then they're like sure and i walk through and i do for the first time ever in my life they didn't ask me for shit at the airport dude i might as well have been m night shaman saying i was christalia they didn't give a fuck i literally just walked in to the they didn't know who i was or they were like that's Christa Lee let him through.

I don't have a clue. They didn't ask for my ID. They literally just goes, yeah, come on through. Go, go. It was like I was walking into a playground. There was no security. And then I checked my bag. I got on the plane and I'm like,

I didn't even have to be me this whole time. So I, so here's the thing that is the takeaway. Hey, uh, Vegas, you're tighter than the government. I can get on a plane. Oh, wait, anyone can get on a plane saying that they're me. Anyone could get on the plane saying that they're world famous Christalia? Yeah, I say world famous because I have a European tour coming up. Go to crystallia.com.

But it's like, dude, and then I can't get the 5K that I won, that you saw me one that you have on video that you shot four minutes ago because I don't have my ID? hey government get more like Vegas dude crazy how is this happening this can't be what the hell oh my god no way yeah so it's like I got home and I don't have my text me and there you go now i'm driving around like a fucking you know criminal because i don't why oh i had to turn it up right because of the thing um but why is i'm probably i'm probably negative because I don't even know I have money in an account I'm just a fucking I'm a hustler from

now on dude I'm a fucking hustler I thought maybe man I fucking did well I like poker it was fun I could I'm such an addict dude I'm such an addict I'm playing poker and I'm like what we doing what we're gonna let's play again and it's that it's the fucking it's not the winning it's the money I want like a fucking hoe I want stacks and stacks of money so I can sit with it. That's all I want. I don't even, I don't need to buy anything. I don't want to buy anything. I want to collect it like a, like it's Halloween candy. In November 20th, I just want to sit with the stacks. Fuck.

Anyway, um, the fucking son, you know, I still have this, still have shorts on. I haven't won pants yet. I'm such a dad, dude. I mean, I saw this thing the other day where it was Frankenstein at Cannes, Cannes Film Festival, Frankenstein with whoever that guy is and the other guy was in Frankenstein. And then at the end of the movie, they got a 13-minute standing ovation. Hey, guys, fucking go party. Hey, go home. Hey, hey, just get to it and suck each other.

off. Oh, Frankenstein's over. Just, what is this bullshit? A 13 minute, bro, a 13 minute standing up. Do you know what 13 minutes is? There's 13 minutes left from now to this podcast when it ends. Watch how long it's going to be. From now, from right now. Now, from now to the end of the podcast,

that's how when they're all clapping. And they don't, and they do it, they don't even do it hard because they know they're going to be there for a little golf claps because we're going to be here a while. We're not going to have hands by the end of it, so we better do it. And who's fucking timing it? What asshole is out there like? Okay.

Frankenstein, 13 minutes, the next day. I see. The next day, dude. A 15 minute, a 16 minute, uh, standing ovation, clapping from The Rock's new movie, because he played, finally played a real part. It wasn't just, you know, you know

the rock here we go I'm going to play it I forget if I can I think I got to use Google Chrome Siddin off all drebs and fo'fogs

here we go come on there we go there we go look at the clapping a 24 the rock an incredibly moving 16 minutes standing ovation for the smashing machine at the venice film festival world premiere dude look at this no film ever made no actor nothing requires you Tangibation. I mean, that's the true. What? You know, I'm still going.

And he's crying. Of course he's crying. I get it. It's not his fault. It's emotional. Everyone's fucking. So awkward. Just still clapping, dude.

Clapping all the way home to the car, clapping at night. He's going to bed. Everyone there is still going to bed. We've got to break the record. They wake up in the morning. Oh, dude, the sitting ovation is still going, I guess. Let's make breakfast.

Dude, I can't believe that. But I do. Because suck each other off already. Hey, just suck each other off. It's not even about being gay or being straight. It's about making each other sport at that moment. That's all it is. It's a sexual thing at that point.

And The Rock, I'm sure he was fine in it, you know? I'm going to go on that account. I'm going to say, oh, I was there. And honestly, after 11 minutes, I was like, that's what it deserved. And then I left. But, dude, I'll tell you what, if I was the guy who they were doing that, too, like if I was the lead of this film or the director, and they were, dude, I'm out of.

there. After a minute and a half, I'm like, I don't know if this is going to end. Is it, oh, you know what they're going to do? They're going to do that fucking thing where they keep doing it to be pretentious. I'm going to go, I'm going to go, you know what, I'm going to beat the fucking traffic. I'm going to get my car. This is crazy, dude. 60 minutes or, or I make them stay even longer. I don't want any of this pussy 16 minute shit. I want to stand as long as the movie. you know the movie's like probably two hours and 35 minutes too which really fucking you know what how long is this movie what is the what is the run time of smashing machine

two hours and three minutes okay 30 minutes off whatever hey I was just think it's so funny when actors do it with the makeup and shit, you know. Man, my computer, dude. I have this computer. I've had it for however long I've had it. I've had zero, zero things on it. And now the, the home, the screen. A home screen?

I mean, it's got more icons on it. And all of them say screenshot, wife, screenshot. Look, here's one, meme. The green dinosaur. Like, what did? All right, well, whatever. Hey. Did Trump post yet, by the way?

Not yet. probably why this episode goes I just don't everyone there's always the hoax where or not the hoax the conspiracy where the president is dead he like bruised his hand

golfing and everyone's like he's rotting from the inside out you can see it he's not dead bro he's just guy can't tweet for six days although he does tweet a lot imagine he's dead

and they're trying to not tell people talk about a movie there's definitely a movie about that weekend at bernie's president edition Give me a color that starts with letter M. I don't know. Blue? Blue, dude. Even though that kid is only six or seven, that is so stupid. I don't know.

Mlu? Oh my God, dude. It's obviously marange. I don't know. Blue? Blue? Wow Do you think that

Uh, uh, do you think that, uh, what's his name is in that, die, dead? Trump. Uh, Rizbot, dude, you know? Oh.

What you're gonna do about it, bro? Yeah. Oh, that's dope. That's dope. Oh, my God. That's so annoying. That's like Dixie Dimmelier laugh. he's gonna fucking murder this kid

you farted grow up farted I mean to laugh so just so ridiculous it costs 18 million dollars to make and they just make it fart when they shake a kid's hand how is this

yeah oh my guy you're looking like a total boss fan absolute legend status Bobo. That salmon being tea is fire Vic. Whoever that is they made some solid choices and that blue and white strap is straight up fresh.

You're watching it chunky and textured so hard. You're rocking that beard like a pro. Honestly. Savage mode activated, no doubt, bro. I'm being honest. I have friends that don't have this much charisma.

I'm being for real. Like this robot would get pussy before some of my boring-ass friends. I mean it. I actually mean it. Like my buddy, oh, by the way, remember when I said the 13 minutes ago, things still clapping, still clapping. You'd still be clapping. You're not even done yet, not even close to done.

But this robot would get, would go and steal my friend. I'm thinking of one friend specifically who just talks so much about, stories about his life and they're just it's so boring. I honestly could be describing myself, but it's not me. And he'll just like corner her a woman at a party and just

this robot to the rescue would come up and be like hey, mind if I talk? Because they don't feel insecure or this robot is a robot so it has no feelings. It would pick up the chick. He'd get his tip wet on her immediately. You know, the signature laugh is so annoying. That's like when someone goes,

from the Simpsons. God, I hate that. Oh, what, the velociraptor? Wait, oh, he's going on. I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle. He's going up to a cop. Dude, the laughing is so annoying. Wow.

Let's do Oh my god A lady A lady's twerking on him What's you do now? She's twerking on him Please do the laugh Oh he didn't do the laugh

Oh he just spun around Robots probably a virgin Um Wow the laugh Really is bad It makes me laugh Oh, running So scary

Yeah, he's got a chain Ah See this when he walks up to the camera I'm not a doctor But I think you need some vitamin D Can I get your number to prescribe some I'm not a doctor But I think you need some vitamin D

Why does he sound What does he sound like? Lance Henriksen. Is that the guy? That's his name, right? Lance Hen. Yes, Lance. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, I know. The dad and leftovers. Show Dad. Is that him? What's his name? Kevin Garvey, Senior. Scott Glenn. Dude, that's Scott Glenn's voice

You tell me that's not Scott Glenn Number two prescribes This is not Scott Glenn I'm not a doctor but I think you need some vitamin D Can I get your number to prescribe some? It sounds just like him Fuck yeah, dude Called it, man

What's his name? What's his name? Scott Glenn Scott Glenn in her. Here we go. Listen how he sounds. Hey, I'm Issa. God damn it, dude.

Every time I turn on anything, there's Esa Ray's on a commercial. I mean, the story of my career is just the story of a whole lot. The Rizbot. Real good luck. That's the Rizbot, dude. Is that the best is yet to come.

Why is he just in a stairwell giving this interview? Because that's the way my, my life has really worked meeting carol to becoming an actor to why is gq interviewing him uh behind the uh maintenance elevator dude here here here he's had a career huh he's got a career huh actors often start with interesting professions now dude the fucking podcast who the fuck would ever listen to any interview

honestly I stand by that I've always thought that and now it's podcasts it's not the thing but remember when you used to sit on two chairs and you just be like so don't tell me growing up are you kidding me dude you're gonna sit you're gonna fucking listen to that but this is the Rizbot

for a newspaper reporter for a while and you wrote obituaries and one time you wrote an obituary that got you into a lot of trouble Yeah, I did. And what happened there? Well, you know, I was a working on a newspaper in Wisconsin. It was right across the border from Illinois.

Smart! Oh, yeah, dude, you're working on an article? Smart! Dude, but hold on. Well, how are things in Ketchum, Idaho? Great. It's a terrific... I hates it.

Ovation just ended. That was 13 minutes. Boom. That's how long. That was 13 minutes since I first said it. How long they were clapping for The Rock? You stupid fucking assholes. Well, how are things in Ketchum, Idaho?

They're great. Hey, Ted! Wife left him. Wife left him, dude. Three days ago, has been sleeping on the couch, hoping which he would come back, hasn't. Realized it was for real this morning. Well, how are things in Ketchum, Idaho? It's great.

Oh, dude. All he's eating his fucking grilled cheeses for three days. Well, how are things in Ketchum, Idaho? Great. Oh, was a millionaire, was a millionaire, and realizes that now that his wife left him, she didn't sign a pre-nup, and she's going to take so much money from him. Terrific summer. Oh!

Oh! It happened, started happening at that very, end of April realized she was having an affair had to do this interview coming back out well how are things in Ketcham, Idaho

great. It's a terrific summer. Ah, wow. Fuck, dude. All of this happened in the middle of Ketcham, Idaho. You couldn't get a more centralized

house in Ketchum, Idaho. And these were all the cheating happened. Well, how are things in Ketcham, Idaho? It's a great. It's a terrific summer. April 29th, he found out his wife was cheating, fucking tried to make it work, just moved out three days ago, realized it was for real this morning, didn't sign a pre-up, but sleep on the couch, only been eating grilled cheese for the past three days, and then sat down, had to do this interview. Well, how are things in Ketchum, Idaho?

Great. It's a terrific summer. dude yeah for the for the first time in a while oh dude uh i've been home all summer long and i'm and that's where i'm planning on stay until at least september october oh dude that's that's next month by the way unbelievable bro i love you know what and they and and people will be like why don't you listen to music? And I'm like, fuck you, dude. Why would I listen to

some fucking guy singing when I could just watch this clip over and over again and imagine what this guy's going through? Are you kidding me, dude? Fuck you. Working regularly and long for about the past two years,

three. Yeah, yeah. Need a rest? My wife says I dare.