Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 464. Acquiring The Sun

Episode Date: September 11, 2025

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Runk. Here we go, everybody. It is 464. Episode 464. You know, I'll tell you, dude, welcome to congratulations. You know, congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations. You know, I was just teaching my son how to swim. It's hard. It's frustrating. You know, having a kid,

is like really what it is is you're getting it back for whatever you did with your parents you know uh i got great kids and um they're they're really good at like they're good with the sleeping um and i understand i was really bad at the sleeping so i i i lucked out you know i told my dad my dad my dad that my you know my kids are sleeping through the night and he goes he's son of a you son of a bitch um so uh you know but But whatever, it is what it is. I'm just saying, I'll be in Pittsburgh. I'll be in Washington, D.C., I'll be in Tulsa.

I'll be in Springfield, Missouri. Smoor, Smoor 5th, Sarkansas. Fort Smith, Arkansas, listen, we just found out that the venues, they have six of them. They're called Temple Live. One's in Fort Smith, and I was going there on the 21st. They just went out of business. They just closed, all of them, all six of them. There's one in Austin.

There's one in... I've done a few of them, but anyway, so it's not, I'm trying to look for another venue to get on short notice, but I don't know if I'm going to be able to. And I'm really sorry to everybody who got tickets to Fort Smith. So I was actually kind of excited to go there. I'd never been. And the tickets weren't selling so bad. As bad as I thought they were, would honestly, because of how it's Arkansas. I didn't think it was my, my demo. But New Orleans, Pensacola, I'll be there. Chrislea.com, get tickets. And I saw this today. And, and I saw this today. I simply, I don't, I didn't cry laughing, but I almost did. This man. Why you take that son away from me. Dude, his, first of all, his stupid face when he does it. Now, listen, he's 70-something, okay? You know, he's been doing it his whole life.

It's crazy to get fame now. I mean, not that he has fame. I think he has, like, not that many followers, but these kinds of people just, now people are just like, hey, this is amazing. How can I learn how to this? The Matrix Man. This is, oh, oh, smells a fart. Hey, hey, guy.

Just learn how to play the harmonica, you know? Like, you're doing all of the work except without the instrument. It's probably easier if you just get the instrument. That's my favorite part. This is my favorite part. Oh, dude. You saw my gun you took the sun away for me. Honestly, the worst singing I've ever heard in my life, if you think about it.

Thinks he's so soulful, but this is the part. That part. Oh, that part kills me, dude. Doesn't stop. A bird, a bird, a bird, a bird, a bird, a bird, a bird, a bird, a bird. This is unbelievable what this guy's doing. His name is Ralph Whistle on Instagram, and I follow him. And you know what? It's one of those things that's impressive. And who cares? No. Right? Like, and I know, and the breakdancing community comes after me every now and then. But, dude, I get it. You rip your heart out of your chest, right? You roboted over. sideways to another person and you and you did a a pretend move about how you you know what i mean you choke them to death who cares right so i you know and every time i say that people are like well who cares about comedy and i'm like yeah dude it saves lives anyway the matrix man Um, yeah, it's, it's, it's, it is what it is.

And this guy, honestly, is killing it, whatever that is. But that's unbelievable. It's always, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's an old guy who does stuff like that, you know? I had a guy in my family when I was younger, we would, someone would be like, nice jacket. He'd be like, you like, you like this? I got it in green. I got him blue. I got him black.

I got in white. You're like, what? Are you selling it to me? He ripped it off the back of a truck. Uh, that's how. was growing up in um well i didn't have it like that but he was growing up in new york like that so it's fine um i uh legit am just uh i you know here's the thing i've been trying to get a tan well no no no no i won't even say that i wasn't trying to get a tan but i go outside and and and

and like you know look i'm inside a lot i like outside i really like going outside sometimes i go outside and I go I got to get out here more you know it feels good and and I and you feel the sun just like inserting itself through your pores and starting to glow you up and you go in your head you go I'm 30 you know and you're not you're older but you you know the sun makes you you know after you get through the initial art's so bright because I'll tell you right now that sun is too bright you walk outside and you're inside for a bit, you go, oh, dude, this is too much. But if you just wait it out and you get used to it,

if you acquire the taste of the sun, Taste of the Sun, starring Bruce Willis, in 2002, taste of the sun. It's about Army Rangers for some reason. But yeah, you go outside and you, and it's too bright. I'm going to say it. He said it. I said it. I said it, dude.

And it's too bright. You lay down, you get used to it. It's an acquired taste. You acquire the sun. Acquiring the sun, starring Bruce Willis. In 2003, it's about Navy SEALs for some reason.

So one man's back. And so he didn't want to take the job, but they asked him three, they asked him a few times. And then it was like, ah, they're pulling me back in. So I was outside and I go, oh, man, I'm going to be outside more. I'm going to be outside.

I got my car washed. It was outside when I did it. Nine, I didn't wash the car. I get it. Okay, look, it's a little bougie. I didn't actually wash the car. But I took it to a place. And while it was there, I was outside.

So go crank yourself. You know what I mean? But then I went into the pool the next day and I go, man, I could really get into this outside stuff. But then what happens is I spent all day in an airplane and then I got to go to some place like Little Rock. and then it is what it is and then I forget all about it. Because, you know, I went to, what do you call it? What's that place? Salt Lake City and Idaho.

Now, I love Salt Lake City, okay? I really do. And I put up a clip the other day because I was going to Salt Lake City. I had a clip that I was in Salt Lake City on stage and I put it up on Instagram. and TikTok and all that. And in the beginning of the thing, it goes, I love Salt Lake. Salt Lake.

It's awesome. And I do. And I did that. And then Nick Swarton texted me. He's like, yo, chill out about Utah. You know, like it's nice, but like fucking relax.

And I laughed. We had a good time, whatever. But I want to come on here and say, no, dude, it's actually great. Yeah, I know it gets a weird rap sometimes because of the Mormon stuff. But let me tell you something about Mormons,

man. They don't bother you. They, might knock on your door once. But after that, you go, you go, A, uh-uh. You know what? That's what I, that's what I, that's what I, that's what I, that's what I, that's what I want. That's what I want, actually. If you want me to be in your religion, just knock on my door. Just knock on my door. I know people are like, leave me alone. I'll figure it up myself. No, offer it to me. And when I say, no, that's it. I don't need the judgment for years. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't need the, oh, we're talking in the person's saying, well, yeah, okay, fine, but in their head there. You're going to. hell but sure yeah no i don't need that you can do that if you want it's your brain but i don't need it okay mormons are chill i love Mormons dude they're so also like nice and clean and like smell good and you know they're there a lot of them are good looking some of them are really really bad looking i'm not going to front but you know Mormons have that russian thing

where they don't look like Russians but they're either so hot or just so hot or just ballrog. You know what I mean? Ballrog with tits. So, yeah, and I don't mean that a race thing, you know. I shouldn't have said she's a black character, but you know what I mean? I think I were not 2021 anymore. I can say that kind of stuff.

But anyway. But yeah, it's great. So Salt Lake City is great. And I'll tell you how I definitely know that. Bro, I went to fucking Boise after that. And I, and, and, and, and, and, and, and I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I think you got to, you, it's, you, it's, you, it's too aggressively, what's the word it's too aggressively like they got really like you know they'll have like a really fat person there sitting on a patio and you're like wow that person's fat and then a person with

purple hair will bump into you and you're like and then you just go that's it i'm going i'm going back to the hotel and it and it's and you you know it's just like it's like it's just like Like, they're wearing terrible things. Here's the thing. Here's what Boise does. This is what it did. I figured it out. They're not necessarily ugly, but they make themselves look ugly with the fashion they use.

Yes, he figured it out. You know? And it was really annoying because my cameraman, my videographer, Sam, he was like, dude, you know, I would live here. And I kept on hearing him say that to other people. you know when like your friend tells you something and you go oh cool and then they might say it again you go yeah yeah that's that's cool yeah i believe you you know and then you hear them saying it to two other people or three other people dude i can't that's the that's where my line is like you got

you can't dude i don't do if you tell me something once tell me it twice that's fine don't let me hear you don't let me over here you telling someone else don't let me because it's just annoying, bro. You hang out with people too much and it just gets annoying. That, that suck. I wish I was more chill kind of sometimes. But I don't think I'd be as funny.

But sometimes chillness is nice. Like the guy I bring on the road, comedian, very good. Denzel love, Denny love. Dude, if someone hands him, if someone offers him something, he takes it. Dude. it drives me nuts.

I'm not talking about a toothpick and he doesn't need it. Oh, yeah, that's nice. He thinks it's nice to just have it. It's nice to be offered. You know what it is? He probably feels like he's being pampered. Dude, I don't, don't fucking hand me shit. You could give me something if it's, you know,

but like he'll be somebody be like you want to water and I'll be like no actually yeah and it's like dude no you don't I don't know I'm annoying myself right now honestly I'm going to be honest with you I'm annoying myself I'm annoying myself because I'm not a hater but I do feel like one right now I'm annoying myself

but I went to Idaho and the show was awesome Salt Lake City show was great but Idaho one was really awesome I played that Egyptian theater I don't know why they have themed theaters like that but they do and that's one of them sometimes I think about moving you know like just I'm not gonna but I think about moving to like

you know a place like that not Boise but like outside of Boise like a place where you just live and and it's all about family it's all about you know love you could farm if you want to but I don't

you know and you just you kind of like just live that easy life dude you know your mortgage is like $2,000 you know

and you just you let the money work for you bro and you just sit you start watching shows like um what's that one on uh like the uh what's that one with the with the with the uh hunter the one with all the chicks on it in netflix now that fucking one where where where all the chicks are in it and you can't you can't even think a one of them in it the hunter's wife hunter's wives or something is that what it is dude there's like five six

super famous women in there i can't think of one of them you know i'm talking about hunting wives there you go uh i'm i'm i'm i'm uh i'm a what do you call it i'm traditional dude i have traditional values you know that's me man mr fucking traditional that's me dude and i don't like tradition but i have traditional values because last two night no last night i got home from idaho dude i was in the car coming home and i just go like this man i don't feel good and not sick i just go it's too ma life i go like this life too ma lucky got my kids got my wife got so much love in my life got

money got you know and then i go like this too much and then i go and then i'm thinking but why though people say that and that's bullshit is it really too much but then i'm like yeah it is because so many people depend on me for something and that's when i start going fuck there are things going on with my family there are things going on with work there are things and i can't and bro i'm like oh i don't dude and then i get home and i'm like i'm gonna watch the leftovers okay and i say christin want to watch the leftovers and she says i finished it okay so then i say oh wow okay well so it's good all right cool yeah and she says but you know what you should watch and i say yeah and she says that uh that documentary on netflix the unanswered unwrong number wrong wrong whatever where she's like this

this this kid in the school is getting texted this this number from this number unwanted number or something and uh and and uh and it's harassing her and then you find out later uh she and she just tells me by the way spoiler alert skip ahead 10 seconds it's the mom it's the person's mom and i go oh i that sounds like something i would like i you're saying oh it's so it's mom so i should i see i should see it then or well i guess i don't need to see it now right and she's like oh oh well yeah i don't know i didn't mean it but like it's not so it's it's it's still good and i go oh but i like to you know try and figure out who doing it the whole time and now it's what is it four episodes long that's four hours of me just

watching knowing yeah it's still interesting but so i go okay i put calvin to bed and i'm putting calvin to bed and i'm thinking of how i put billy to bed billy's easy to put to bed he goes right to bed i put down with calvin a little bit and i'm thinking about how like in love i am with my boys and i'm thinking about how my parents are getting older and they're not going to be around all the time and then I go into my room alone Kristen's downstairs and I sit down and I turn on the TV in the in my room and Netflix pops up and it's that fucking documentary thing the unanswered call or on wrong call wrong unwanted call whatever the hell it's called the new one you know what it is and I just see the home page and I go man I would have loved to watch

that and then i start thinking people really do so many people fucking depend on me man i go like so many people have jobs because of me and like i and like my family like i feel like i can't disappoint them at all like i have to keep a a strong a strong face on and like let them know that i'm going to be handling it you know because christin always says oh the The best, the sexiest thing you could say, the best thing you could say is I'll handle it. So yeah, I can handle it. And then, yeah, I say to her,

the sexiest thing you could say is, oh, yeah, but it's like, you know, and so I'm thinking about all this shit. And my phone's dying. I have like 3%, and I'm not near the charger because it's still packed. So I'm just sitting,

looking at this homepage. And I'm feeling like, oh, like, you know what I'm doing? I'm feeling a lot. And then I think, I can't even go downstairs and watch the leftovers now. And then I start crying. And it was the kind of tears that came out of tears that came out. out, dude, and this is real. It was the kind of tears that came out where I was like,

hey, I don't even really feel that sad. What the fuck? And I'm like, am I, am I, are my, I literally like was one of like a robot in, like a, the robot in bicentennial man. Just, why are my eyes, why are my eyes raining, you know? And, um, what is this? Why are my, why are I, why do eyes rain? dude I would hate that I hate that I don't know if that's in by sent to him

but it's definitely in some robot movie and it's so annoying because a robot's so smart but he doesn't know about crying fuck off so uh I start crying and then I'm just sitting there and I'm just like I'm gonna be sitting here until

my wife is downstairs until she goes I'm such a fucking bitch I'm gonna be here until my wife goes hey where are you right because i i guess because i want to feel like uh someone needs me i guess i got it with what a fucking bitch i am okay so i'm just sitting there like crying looking at the fucking homepage of leftovers now thinking about how i can't watch it and i'm just like and my phone's got three percent and it goes ding and i look and it's christian and she's like we're you all good

like everything all good because she thought it was like with Calvin and I was like yeah and then she was ding where are you I said in our room and she says oh okay and I'm like come on dude text me more wow it's so weird to be

a human and then a few seconds later she said come down and hang out and I go fuck yeah so like this and I walked downstairs and she says you can watch

leftovers i kind of wasn't really paying attention then i go life's turning around and then when i sat down i started watching leftovers bro halfway into leftovers she goes i'm tired i'm gonna go sleep and i go all right left turn around again but at least i get to watch it now like and she's not going to be talking when they're talking you know what i'm talking you know what i mean i mean god damn it's so crazy mum's the word when there's montages and then the guy enters and has to deliver a powerful statement, and she's like, do you like that? Do you like that thing I got from Facebook Marketplace? And I'm just like, oh, okay, we can rewind it.

But anyway, so then she goes upstairs. And then I told her today that, because my therapist, this is so, what am I talking about, dude? I don't want to tell you all this shit. My therapist said that I should start fucking saying, how I feel to people, which is, I know, like, it's like, but, bro, they've been saying this is 2001, you know, and it's just like, all right, man, you've seen fucking five episodes of the Sopranos, and now all of a sudden it snowballed into this mental health, self-care

shit. And it's like, sometimes therapy makes you a pussy, you know, handle it. And so I'm sitting there and I'm like, you know, I. had a real rough night last i said it i didn't want to i heard myself saying i'm just like oh what a fucking bitch dude and she's like oh i'm sorry that sucks and i guess that's what you're supposed to do and i hope it makes me feel better but i don't know dude then i fucking worked out dude and i did i mean you know i don't bore you with the workout i did legs i did fucking shoulders i did some you know kettlebells swinging around crazy shit and like i just

felt so good afterwards and I go really it is surviving through those moments and and and and you think about people who like literally commit sluercide and you go that's not that I was close to there I was not but like but like you go you you think like oh that sucks that they were in such a dark place and if they just waited a little bit dude fuck you know if they just waited a little bit they would have been out of that moment but they didn't and that really fucking honestly is

super super sad okay so this is a comedy podcast though I don't know what I'm doing sorry what do you're gonna get what you're gonna get with this podcast it's what it's what it is it's been on for what seven years and I'm not you know it's like some days I come in I rip born

some days I come in and I'm just going to tell you about what the fuck's been going because I'm just like you know I see stuff on I see stuff on online and I go

I just can't go online anymore but this is just everyone's so mad at everyone and we're never going to get back to oh fuck I'm in it I'm in it I fucked up dude I spiled too hard now I'm in it great we're down in the well guys

I'm sorry we're that boy who got stuck in the well that they can't get out sorry hey we're spulunking guys and we're stuck head first fucking feet up we're that guy who fucking dude spulunking fucking sucks man hey what are you doing why it's too tight god hey what why do guys what's wrong with fucking guys and girls don't even get me started well fuck a girl would want to go in there i don't know but mostly obviously it's men men what the fuck are you you doing, dude? We made couches. We invented beds. We got walls. What the fuck are you doing trying to fit in that fissure? Dude, it's, you're going to, you're going to maybe, I mean, rock

climbing I barely get. I do get it because it's a fantastic workout. Probably spalunking is to also call it something else. Spalunking is just, it sounds like a sex thing. And it kind of, maybe it is, you know, the man's got to fit himself into tight places. But, you know, you see these places and it's like they're this big. And I could never do it because my shoulders go on for fucking days. But there are little bitch dudes that go in and just worm their way in until they're upside down and they go, oh, fuck, I'll die here. Like, that's, you know, I mean, there are guys who go Spelunk, Spulunking is when you go into the caves, but they're the really small caves underground. and you got to like slither in them and and like it's wet and you can fucking slip and

crack your head open that's the definition of spulunking and you and some of them are like two it's like they're it's like a two day excursion you got to bring fucking like wendy's with you or something i don't know what you put in your phaity pack but you can't even bring a faddy pack because you can't fit so you got to like hold your lunch above you while you while you why you get into the you get the fucking you know the baconator in front of you you're like oh i want to eat it now but i got to save it to where i get into a fucking bigger whole bigger area i'll eat it there because i heard there's because i heard there's clouds inside of a cave and that's no one's ever seen that and i want to see how the clouds form in the cave because that's

uh a nature that's a miracle of nature and you and it's like people love seeing shit for the first time i don't dude i don't i want to only see what i've only been seeing that's it dude that that's for that's real there are people out there that go oh clouds in caves wow i've got to see that hey man they look like the clouds outside only they're in a cave the aurori borlialis or whatever the fuck the anthony bordain Or who's the guy from, I always get it mixed up, the Aurora Borealis with the fucking, the guy from, who's the actor in bones? David Baranis, right? David Baranis, the Aurora Borealis and David Baranis.

Aurora Borealis and David Baranis. Fuck, man. Everybody gets fat, huh? That sucks, right? Everybody gets fat. Christ all my. it's unbelievable i'm so deep i'm so deep spulunking with my head first on my feet up it's unreal fuck man but everyone gets so fat you start seeing people to get fat and shit and you're just like i guess

this is gonna be like we're gonna be fat not me bro let's swing them kettle balls around let's not try to eat fucking six pieces of pizza and only eat three um but yeah dude i i i don't know I'd say that, you know, it is what it is. Oh, this, oh, God, this guy does leg workouts. I mean, just fucking. Oh, guy. Oh. Don't squeeze it.

You're, oh. Oh. Dude, I'm so... He screamed. Kill me, dude. The guy's 50, you know? Like, dude, that guy, get a grit, bro. Hey, you're big enough.

Hey, you did it. Look at this. I'm sorry, the song in the back, dude. Tell me to build my love again. It's all about it forever. Whatever that one is, you know. The end of a horror movie when you're faced with the fucking slasher. Dude, when the slasher's in your house and it's the end of the horror movie.

And you've had enough. Kill me. Dude. Kill me, dude. Squeeze it. Squeeze it. Harder. Getting fucked and getting fucked and realizing he's gay.

His friends told him to try it because they think he's gay. And he's like, I don't think I am, but I'll try it. I did it. Got fucked. Realizing that he's gay in this moment. Right here. right there and he goes

I guess I'm gonna fire fuck I have to leave my family dude it's like it's so specific I understand like grunting and saying more and come on but the guy just goes, kill me. It's too specific, man.

Use ricin. Wait till I'm sleeping. Drop it over my open mouth like fucking John Cusack in that movie that Jeremy Pivot was in, too. What the fuck is it? Point, fuck is it?

Gross point blank. He drops it through the air vents. Kill me. Is you, Jeremy Pivot in that, probably. Jeremy Pivv has got to be in that, right? Probably. Man, there was a string of fucking movies that Jeremy Piven could not be in, dude.

You know, just always playing the same guy. I'm done. By the way, if I ever come back and do acting and shit, bro, I'm telling you right now, I'm playing I don't give a fuck if it calls for a normal guy I'm not playing it that way and dude

I then you know what I quit if that's not what you want to do I got a real vision dude I got a real vision man I have a real vision like dude the juxtaposition of him screaming and all the guys in this video are dead by the way not even close i'm going to start

doing that when i when i work out i'm going to fucking you know what i'm going to do i'm going to work out at the nice gyms like that no no no no at the hotel gyms like that because for some reason hotel gyms have like uh weights that go up to 50 and then a leg extension fuck you God, working out is so funny. You know what it is? So I like, you know, people like to like do stuff when they work out. Like, like, like my, my, my, my, my buddy David, dude, you know, David Sullivan, like he just fucking will go play pickleball twice in a day. And I'm like, man.

And he's like, because it's a good workout. And I'm like, I don't like any, I don't like to sugarcoat my workout, bro. god i'm getting weird as i get older huh i don't like to i'm autistic that's all it is i don't think i am though but maybe i am but whatever but i like to i don't like to sugarcoat my uh my workouts i'll just go do the workout i'm a workout here i'm a purist you know fuck i like that yeah sorry i had a little uh break there but i had to potty um this is the thing that everybody's talking about um at least they are now this lady oh my god

Oh man, poor kid, dude from me. Oh, man, poor kid, dude. That's, like, kind of traumatizing. There's the full part. Oh, ooh, get a little fucking thing. I mean, well, you can't really see what happens, but you definitely can. Hey, get out of it! Hear it!

Why does this keep happening? What's up with the... Okay, look, we can assume always that the adult who yells at another person for stealing the ball. it has to they have to have kids it's their kids they have kids you yeah there's no other way if you don't have kids um you were a complete you're lex luther right um now if you have kids like i'm trying to think if i was in that if i'm both situations and i want to get it for calvin first of all calvin don't give a fuck about baseball i mean unless it's a fuck unless it's in the shape of a uh a

snorlax. Yeah, so, but there's another kid there, seeing, uh, it's, it's, uh, you, you know what it is, it's, you're not a warrior. She's not a warrior. She has too much emotion. You need no, you need to divorce yourself from your emotion to be, to be a warrior. And you need to be a warrior at all moments in a way. Right. Because you can't just be getting that. at mad and stealing thing and and and yelling at because that fuck that dude oh someone did that to me dude i use ricin on them one time i one of my first baseball games darrell strawberry hit a grand

slam and everyone screamed so loud and i cried so hard because i and i remember this and my dad said why you why are you crying and i's like why is everybody get why is everybody mad And they laughed, dude, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my grandpa laughed at me in my face, dude. Now you get me. Whoops, I'm a product. Uh, you know? If you, if you, if you knew everybody's story, you wouldn't hate anyone. So that's what I have to say to my haters.

My grandpa yelled at me, laughed at my face at a baseball game. That's my origin story. No, but I just feel that that lady is, uh, did she have a apology or any kind of response? Oh, no, nice. Okay. Oh, wow. Really? She's still not. Nobody knows who she is. Well, that's amazing, dude. I, you know, we need to have, you know, we need to have the witness protection process. program for social media like you need we need to have the the like uh like oh no i went viral now i have to move to uh you know whatever the fucking uh places uh someplace in north carolina you know greensboro um and and i have to change my and i can't talk to my family Yeah, that's basically what it is.

That's sad. I don't even like seeing that kind of stuff. It makes me sad. At the time I saw Tupac, there's a true story. Now, I don't like the whole conspiracy thing. But that day, he was in a convertible, like, Rose Royce. He was at the stop site. It's a cool.

It was on a hockey tournament. So I was in Vegas as well. Bragging. Playing hockey. And the high someone had his fight. And I jumped out of the, the car and I ran up to his car. Pock, Pock, it's cute.

And all three cars, all these cars, with the guns. No, no, no, no. That's cute. I'm good. And I go, oh, sorry. Sorry, medical. You're good. I go, I'm good. I'm sorry. I got, I got in the car. So that happens that day when the sun's out and at night they get shot. There's no cops around.

That's a true story. I was involved. So in the morning, a few hours later he's gone. That's kind of, you know, live by the gun, die by the gun. I love Tupac. The what? The what end? Yes.

And so where were all of those undercover cops that pulled the guns on me when I tried to approach him sitting in his car, convertible? What are you saying? I'm just saying it's weird that they were going to blow me away. And I'm an Academy Awardman. Oh, yeah, smash, dude. Oh, yes, Matt. That's 96. And 96, you're like everywhere.

I'm a man. Yeah, you're the man. They're like, we don't care. Get away back up. That's crazy. Yeah. By the way, what do you pay you for? Jerry McGuire, I forgot to ask you earlier.

Was that your big pay date? No, yeah, at that point, 600 grand. What's the biggest you made for a movie? Oh, Snow Dogs. You know, I should never, I can't talk hell about snow dogs. Hell yeah. Oh, that was a good year. Hell yeah, bro.

Hell yeah. Love it. Bro, fuck. I remember when seeing that shit on the billboard, I go, that movie looks like it fucking sucks, bro. Hell yeah, he must have got paid on that shit. I love it. I love that shit.

Take it. Caching. dude, Academy Award. But that is a good point about the fucking undercover cops following them. Why wouldn't they fucking do something if the guns pulled down

and maybe it's not what they wanted. Maybe it's not what they wanted. There's somebody in the back that's just like, no, let it happen, let it go. This isn't the big payoff. This isn't the payload. Everybody saw Pock that day.

Somebody said. Um, but yeah. Oh, snow dogs, dude. Let's see what's Cuba getting, kuba gooding me cuba gooding junior made for snow dogs dude just the title alone snow dogs um i was at the gym today yeah how how much how much money dude how i didn't put how much money how much money i should have just put salary i'm a kind of an idiot um 13 million that's so

great dude oh wait no no no that's his net worth that's his highest grossing movie wow um wait no it can't be it's got to be chairman mcuire maybe if they think of it's like whatever um i was at the gym today and somebody said hey uh you told the story on your podcast they pulled me oh you told the story about a podcast on your podcast about this annoying couple at the gym. I think I know who you're talking about. Is it that girl? And I said, oh, fuck, yeah, it is. You pointed out.

I was like, oh, God, the word's getting out, bro. So that's part two of that. They used to make shit. They used to make movies. Wow. They really had us hook, line, and sinker in the 80s and 90s. They made us watch fucking bullshit, right? And I feel like Kubigin Jr. was in every

one of the bullshit movies you know like wasn't he in lightning jack yeah wasn't he in a man of honor yeah yeah he was in that one yeah dude he was in snow dogs after jerry mcguire he's just like i'm gonna do it because the because people had to go see movies or they had to catch them on either direct tv or HBO you know i'm talking about i don't even know direct tv around then but um you can't you couldn't you know bro you i'm also from the era to where you will start a movie in the middle and just watch it it'll just be on like you know uh uh you know malice would be on the movie with uh alec baldwin just in you know what i mean just it takes like a lot of scenes in the courtroom and you'll just be watching it halfway through because you turn it on on cinemax and you go

oh that's fucking and then you'd say to your friends like yeah i've seen it no you didn't you saw fucking 40 minutes of it you saw the end and i watched this shit out of a movie in the middle of it i really would i watched you shit out of the way i start in the middle i don't give the fuck so that's the beginning of movies are for chumps dude i love it my friend goes like this i saw weapons didn't like it and i really everyone loved weapons i didn't see it yet but everyone loved it goes yeah and then as we started talking to each other it slowly came out that he missed the first 40 minutes of the movie and i go bro you're not qualified what is this 89 Because that's when you, they used to be okay.

Nobody's seen the whole movie of ladybugs. Nobody's seen that. Uh, one thing's for sure, kid, I got a lot of balls. You know, Rodney Dangerfield is a soccer ball coach with Jonathan Brandes. May he rest in peace. May also Roddy Dangerfield rest in peace? My favorite comedian ever, maybe. Uh, Jonathan Brandis, I was friends with him.

He died. He, he, and that's sad. We did a movie together, and then he, I don't think that's what drove him to kill him. yourself, but, uh, the movie was bad. But, you know, I mean, award winner Aaron Paul was in it. So. And, uh, world famous comedian, Chris Alia has got his year updates coming up, chrysley.com. But, um, anyway, uh, yeah, nobody's seen that. You, you turned out on halfway through on Cinemax. Um, but, uh, dude, what was it like when they figured out that they could just make another channel of the same channel?

you know like like like like when they when hbo was like well i don't know who the first one to do it was but they're just like you know i'm probably going to make another HBO like oh what the fuck would we call it what do you mean when we just why don't we just fill the schedule for HBO you know yeah you know but we could have two channels that's two revenues you know or look at it and then people will get oh i get two channels you mean all we're really doing is playing a ray leona movie and a fucking steve guttenberg movie at the same time on two different channels who gives a fuck it's the same thing they go, well, what do you call it?

I don't know, HBO 2. What? Yeah. And if that works, we're going to make a 3. And then I, and then, and then, and then, and then there's, there's literally ESPN 9. And they don't even film them right. Like the, the, the stuff that they're filming for ESPN 9, there's sports so far down the line that there, it's like, it's just like some guy with like one of those cameras on his shoulders. He's not even on a steady cam.

and it's like two shots and the announcer is just like drunk as shit ESPN 9 Pogo stick you know I got a Pogo stick champions oh we got the lawnmower riding champions ship here in Greensboro North Carolina um but I uh yeah you know I was going to say about the fucking Ronnie Dangerfield, the movie. And then, yeah, he told, oh, Jonathan Brandis. We were buddies. We did this movie. And, uh, I, you know, I liked that guy.

He was, he had something with him, though, that was going on. I could always, I could always tell. You know how people are like, I, I would have never known. That's not one of the, I don't, I don't like when they do that in like, uh, in those, uh, you know, what, documentaries where they're like, and you know what? they'd come in and light up the room. Their smile would just stop traffic. They were amazing.

They were just the best sense of humor. And you're like, dude, that person was probably just boring. That's why they got killed. You know? That's very ruthless what I just said. But you know what I'm saying? And so, but everybody's got the best sense of humor after they die? No, dude.

As a matter of fact, I'm so funny. If that's what they say about me, bro, I'm going nuts. I'm getting out of the fucking. coffin and being like, talk about my looks. Talk about how I had broad shoulders. Talk about how I had, oh, talk about how I had broad shoulders. Oh, talk about how I was tall, dark, and handsome, and I'm actually much taller than people think I am.

People are always like, I didn't know you were this tall, and I get offended because how the fuck tall did you think I was? I'm taller than all of the other actors in every fucking goddamn TV show that I oh how short do you think they are 411 what do you think I'm on a fucking show with little people come on use your fucking brain anyway

back in the but yeah dude you know that's the thing because some people commit slower side and they go oh what him i would have never known he was struggling but honestly sometimes you're just like oh yeah yeah yeah

that that actually tracks it's really sad but yeah yeah i get it he was so mad all the time like like let's let's let's not if you know let's not there's some people out there that like you know you get it and i feel like i'm one of those people you know I mean a comedian doing that wouldn't be fucking breaking news really well it would be but it wouldn't be you know a surprise really there shouldn't be um there's another person you wouldn't be too you wouldn't be too surprised is um there's another one like been three years since the last time you were on the show and i will just say right off the top here you look different than i remember

You've got a nice beard going and... Oh, yeah, thank you. How is that, the beard? In my way. Well, is it comfortable? Is it itchy? Are you pleased with it? I'm not okay with it, but now you're making me feel weird about it.

I'm sorry, I'm making you feel weird about it. Is there something wrong? I can't be the first one to make you feel weird about it. No, I guess not. See, that's what I'm talking about. You do a lot of this? That's just a nervous tick, I think. It was just a nervous day.

You know, I saw this I saw this movie the other night. Tremendous. What a tremendous film. You and who else is in it? What's her name? Beautiful, lovely. Gwyneth Paltrow.

Oh, yeah, Gwerempel. Vanessa Shaw. So, David Letterman was, you know, what's funny is you look at this kind of stuff, old shit like this, old talk show stuff. David Letterman was really good.

it. Um, and, and you go, oh, yeah, this, this is what late, like, what late night is now is abhorrent. It's just terrible. It's like, all right, dude, we got a fucking, you know, we're playing a game with, uh, uh, the guy from, who's the guy from sweating of the oldies? Richard Simmons, we're going to play bingo with Richard Simmons. Like, nobody gives a fuck, you know? Actually, you know what? I would care with Richard Simmons. I wouldn't care with fucking, uh, who's the Tremblay guy, you know? Like, it's like, whoever, oh, and he's, promoting Frankenstein the movie it's like

it's a more advanced a bad version of what it used to be and now podcasts came along and they're like yo we're gonna just do like that I don't know who the fuck ever would watch a late night television show now it's like we've advanced past that

I feel like stand up is kind of becoming that way with all the kill Tony and the fucking and all the different, every stand-up that gets big is not stand-up anymore. This was like, that's the kind of thing that was viral before viral, because they'd be like, you see him on, oh, you're so weird, shit.

It's happening. The lady's getting arrested at the airport. Oh. Oh. You tell me. Come on, kiss me. Kiss me. Oh.

What? I'm not hot enough for you? I'm not hot enough? I'm not sexy enough. I'm going to spit on you. You know? Tell me I'm sexy. Ma'am.

Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Now I'm control. Sad. Um. Hey, lady. Sad.

you have dated women like that definitely dated woman once i broke up with her and she was so drunk and she she was at her house i went home and then she drove over to my house and i was like honestly how did you make it and not die or kill someone then she had to sleep over because i'm not gonna fucking yeah you know i didn't hit it though all right because it was just such a mass dude i don't You know. I don't know. You know, so funny. Thinking about being with my kids, Calvin,

I was teaching him how to swim and then I showed him what it, like to think of that with them seeing shit for the first time, it must blow their fucking minds. We forget. First of all, how about being born? That must be so traumatizing. The fuck.

Talk about too bright. Some people were born outside. Um, but yeah, so anyway, uh, I, I was like, Calvin, watch this and I, because I'm teaching I'm not to swim. And I, I, I dove in the pool. And when I came up, he said, dad, are you okay? And I was like, what do you mean? Oh, yeah, huh? Because diving looks crazy, dude. Just smack, jumping on on to your head. I know it's water. But for a kid, I go, oh, yeah, that's called a dive. So I was like, oh. So I saw that thing with the vaccines that Rogan and, and Brian were talking about on Rogan's podcast and how

it was getting heated kind of their friends obviously but like I'm like and I'm like dude of course the government is fucking lying to us but then also some vaccines are probably helpful but then it's like some people are like nah you don't use fucking vaccines at all and I'm I started thinking about that I'm like yeah they do

lie to us and I'm just like dude you know what I'm not I'm actually not going to think about this instead I'm just going to chill and I'm going to fucking watch the leftovers it's a worst title for any show I've ever a good show too uh anyway

appreciate you get your tickets at chrysleya.com thank you very much sign it for the Patreon extra episodes extra long episodes also appreciate you thank you

I don't know. I'm going to be. I'm going to Thank you. Thank you.