Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 47. Tightly Woven Mouthfeel

Episode Date: December 18, 2017

It's the 47th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about the annoying way people talk about food. Also discussed: The Black Thought freestyle, Mario Batali, Bobby Flay, Emily Ratajkowski, Nikki Glaser, Chris Spencer, feeling lonely during the holidays, and songs that play at strip clubs. We name a new elder, and of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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you can just go to crystalia.com, and you can even do gift certificates there. If you know somebody is a baby. And you want to send them a gift certificate. To get any kind of shirt that they want. On their fucking pot. On their. About.

What am I saying? Any kind of shirt about the podcast. Or whatever the fuck. Anyway. So. That's what's up and then i'm and it's episode 47 and uh we're nearing at the end of the year and christmas is coming um been having all those christmas songs stuck in my head talked about it last week uh and uh i'm good i'm feeling good i was sick a little bit my voice is still

i uh you know when like you do the thing where you're like yeah i'm not gonna get sick by the and I'm good. I'm feeling good. I was sick a little bit. My voice is still... You know when you do the thing where you're like, yeah, I'm not going to get sick. By the way, everybody's sick right now. Everybody I know is sick right now. My brother, my friends, my... Everybody. But it's the kind of thing where you're like,

I'm not going to get sick. I did it for like seven days. I was like, nah, I'm not going to get sick. I did it like for like seven days. I was like, nah, I'm good. It was probably longer actually. I remember I was in Irvine and also San Jose. I feel that way. So it was like probably 10 days of it. And then finally for two days I was like, oh no.

And it was one of the days I shot The Good Doctor. Oh, my God. So I was meeting everybody, being all sick, which is cool. Probably got them all sick. Great. I hate that. I hate being sick and having to meet people because you have to do the fucking fist bump thing. But you just seem like a pompous asshole.

Even if you're sick, you could literally have, like, the fucking bird flu or whatever they had in that movie, Outbreak with Dustin Hoffman. And you'd be like, oh, yeah, I'm a little under the weather. Let me do a fist bump. And you still think, oh, that guy's a pompous fucking piece of shit. How many movies was Dustin Hoffman in where he played somebody that had to like that had to like wear a fucking space space helmet but wasn't in outer space um i would say three i think three uh outbreak sphere uh and um uh the one meet the fuckers no but um he dustin dustin hoffman literally would only would be like i'll do a movie as long as i get to wear a space suit and don't have to go to outer space in it um that's so funny to think about actually ishtar you know he wore that in Ishtar. So, yeah, 2017 is coming to that.

But I've been on my 2018 shit since fucking March. So I don't want to talk about that shit. I don't talk about it. I do a year ahead. I've been watching that show Dark on Netflix. I'm about seven episodes in. No clue what the fuck is going on. But it's great.

And I like things where I don't know what the fuck is going on. it's great and i like things where i don't know what the fuck is going on because at least it's like surprising me like my one of my top five favorite movies ever moholland drive don't know what the fuck's going on no clue zero clue david lynch doesn't tell us he's the director you gotta watch the movie don't know what's going on you go like this what's going on the whole movie then it, what's going on, the whole movie, then it ends, and you think, wait a minute, and then you're fucked, the weirdest shit, and they sing that fucking Silencio song, you know, with the blue guy, anytime there's a blue guy singing alone on a stage, I'm in, that fucking movie, what's the one with Chris Tucker tucker and bruce willis fifth element

if dustin hoffman was in a spacesuit blue singing on the theater not in outer space favorite movie of all time um but dark is fucking it's really good. And it's basically like the fucking hardcore version of Stranger Things. Stranger Things, I feel like, caught a little bit of heat. And it caught on the whole like, oh, I like that show. But I'm saying it because a lot of people like that show. This fucking show is like just hardcore. It's like the underground shit. And it's German.

But they don't do subtitles. Which kind of bothers me. But then once you get into it, you get into it. But they do like the fucking... They dub it. Which is weird. And anytime I hear dubbing shit, it's automatically Asian. I don't give a fuck.

Like it's like Jackie Chan's in it and it's Rumble in the Bronx. And it's always bad actors too that do that. And then you see the people crying and breaking down or like, where the fuck is my son? But it's like, where is my son? Where they're crying and shit and you're like, I haven't seen him for a week now. And it's like just you see their fucking fucking you see them getting more and more asian but the show dark is good um and it's a little bit like it it has to do with time travel i any show any movie or any show about time travel is always too much like theorizing and shit.

Like there's a little bit of that in it. So like I don't give a fuck. I'm too dumb. I'm too dumb. Don't talk to me about fucking Hicks Boson. You know what I mean? Don't talk to me about splitting the atom. Don't talk to me about fucking like, oh, well, the wormhole.

Anytime you say wormhole and we tripped it up and there's three dementias, I'm out. I'm done. I'm done. Get it. Just show me the fucking what the fuck. Show me the Carfax. Show me the Carfax.

You know that fucking thing? That commercial? Anyway, you got to check out Dark. I'm seven episodes in. No clue what the fuck is going on, but it's great. Um, anyway, you got to check out dark. I'm seven episodes in no clue what the fuck is going on, but it's great. Crying over you.

That's what the fucking, uh, David Lynch movie Mulholland drive. Um, so anyway, uh, my favorite thing that happened this past week and maybe in history was when mario batali said sorry for uh sexual harassment by the way try my cinnabons favorite thing that happened in the past however many years oh dude so sorry for being a fucking gross male pig by the way these new cinnamon desserts are great for the holidays hey man by the way he doubled down maybe he might be maybe that's the key to to keeping your career i mean they must have fired him right but when he put the fucking email out where he was like i'm so sorry i shouldn't have done this my apologies by the way if you're looking for a holiday treat, that guy is a sociopath.

He doesn't give a fuck. But that guy just looks like a guy. You know what Mario Batali looks like? He looks like a guy who got a belly to be extra creepy so he could lay his fucking interlaced fingers on it and be like, my, my, what great milky breasts to a woman. And then walk away and be like. my my what great milky breasts to a woman and then walk away and be like he literally looks like oh mario batali looks like a guy who who who jerks off and then by himself and then has an orgasm and then laughs so hard afterwards because like it was such a great release and he laughed so hard that he can't that he starts crying and then he's wiping tears away like and then he cleans himself up how much does mario batali only masturbate with the windows

open and like the breeze coming in and he feels the breeze and it turns him on because it's like he's so relaxed he's like i just like feeling the earth you know and then he laughs so hard after he masturbates and then he fucking tears come out of his eyes and then he's like oh fuck and then he goes to his own kitchen and makes like some pork shit with like an app with that with like an apple fucking sauce on it oh shit my my those are beautiful milky breasts that's you know i mean he looks like a guy who would fucking do that he looks like i mean you don't grow your hair out you don't grow your red hair out and get a fat fucking belly and wear a fucking patagonia fleece vest while you're cooking to not look at women and say my what a figure i mean come on the guy looks like a fucking pimp

give him a you know what i mean give him a cane give him a fucking bunch of rings and put a fucking fur coat on him with oversized gold glasses and make him smack hoes and get money my my how evil not not not surprised for a second not surprised for a second also take off your crocs dude he wears orange crocs who i mean this guy looks like a guy who would be like, and grab girls' butts. That turns him on. Oh, what? Oh, by the way, I thought he was gay. I thought he was gay.

Yeah, did you? No? I mean, he's gay. He's got to be gay. Look at the outfit. Orange Crocs, blue, and light blue striped socks, fucking, what do you call that? Plaid shorts, blue, a green vest, orangish button down under it, and an orange tie, and orange goatee, and an orange tie and orange goatee and an orange long hair and you obviously go

when you grab girls butts there's no question mario batali satalian dude i'm so sorry for all the sexual harassment. And I know this is inappropriate, but I just want you to know. If you are looking for fucking cinnamon flavored shit on the holidays, here you go. I'm sorry. I am sorry. It doesn't mean you don't want to fucking have good taste bud, good, good taste during the holidays. Anyway, these are good cinnamon cinnamon shits and also turn around let me grab your butts now it's all good mario batali

i mean plaid shorts with a green vest that's it that's all you got to say when you when they said you really fucking sexually harassed a bunch of women, all they had to do was say, plaid shorts and a green vest. Bye. And then go, we. Everyone. By the way, how much? Well, I don't know why these guys who don't get caught for anything, not even sexual harassment, just anything. As long as it's not murder or like kidnapping, but like some like, I mean, I guess sexual harassment is very, very bad, but like anything from

like any petty crime or like anything less than robbing $2,000 from, from somebody or even a corporation is if you get caught and you go, whee! Like if somebody robbed me and went, sorry, bud, whee! I'd be like, no, you can keep it. I mean, that's so baller, you know? Hey, hey, hey, Sam. Stop trying to dig to China. My fucking dog's...

So, Sam, stop trying to dig to china come here um yeah just do that go we and you can take the money i mean it's ridiculous getting ridiculous what's that song ew butters butters was like trying to lick on sam's stomach like he has fucking teats. Now it's all wet. So yeah, Mario Batali, dude. Fucking any of those cooking shows, I did one of those. Bobby Flay is my favorite. I did one of those.

I was a quote-unquote celebrity judge or whatever for the food. You don't do shit. By the way, it's awkward as fuck in those rooms. There's a crowd above you and you're like under and they're cooking and shit and like

you know that cut it all together? It's like bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. All that shit. That's so not how it is. It's so awkward. You're in a dungeon basically and i was with that one chef i can't remember her name all she kept saying was she's a potato slut i'll eat anything that's a potato i'm a potato slut um and they cook such good food and um and i did did the Bobby Flay shit,

but, uh, was my episode called stake me home tonight. It's cute. It's crafty. Um, and, uh,

I kept trying to fuck up the, the, the taping like Bobby Flay would be like, and the secret ingredient is, and I said, car keys. And they, and he started laughing and they have to redo it um but like fucking those shows you know but bobby flay's the shit um and uh i

he just looks like a guy he bobby flay looks like a guy that like is just so confident no matter what happens like bobby flay looks like he could shit his pants and be like ah fuck you know whatever and you'd be like oh yeah i guess people kind of do shit their pants and then you'd be like hey we should get together sometime with shitty pants and you'd be like yeah we we fucking should yeah you know what i'm talking about that's how bobby flay looks bobby looks like that anybody who's like looks Irish but isn't Irish but has like an edge like a fucking um Boston like who else is like you know who else is like that I think he's southern but uh Blake Shelton's like that um uh Bill Burr's like that Anybody who's like looks Irish But isn't Irish

But is from like the east coast And that will like They look like they can shit their pants But then be like ah You wanna fuck it let's go hang let's go watch some games And you be like yeah I'll go watch some games with you You gonna clear up your pants and be like yeah I'll get to it That's how fucking Bobby Flay looks.

He looks like the ultimate guy like that. He just looks confident and charismatic. Guys like that. See, guys like that. What's that, man crush? Man crush? That's what a man crush is, by the way. It drives me nuts when women post man crushes or when a man posts woman crush Wednesday, that's for fucking women to do.

A man crush is for a guy to have. A straight guy. All right, guys, you can be gay and have one. But like that's the whole fucking like irony of it. My man crush is Hugh Jackman or whatever the fuck i don't say oh women crush my woman crush every day emily radistatowski like yeah no shit that's my woman crush she's a woman i'm a, I'm a hot-blooded American male. Hey, oh, yo, dude, really?

You like hourglass figures? You like girls with big doe eyes and lips that look like fucking my pillows? You like girls with lips that look like fucking guys with mustaches would try and fucking hawk inside your bathroom mirrors while you're brushing your teeth? Get out of here. I follow some of these chicks on Instagram, like Emily Ratatachowski. Bro, I get angry whenever I see it. I got to unfollow.

Ratatachowski? Ratatachowski? Ratatachowski? The fuck is her name? Lose some syllables. Nobody knows her last name, right? She's like the most famous girl. Nobody knows her last name. Look at...

What is he doing? Oh, now I said his name, he stopped doing it, I gotta fucking take a picture of him doing it, it's like the fucking, um, anyway, uh, so, so anyway, uh, yeah, I was at the comedy store, my voice has been gone, and, and uh just because every time i get sick after i get sick my voice goes away and it's fine and then i get on stage and i yell for 20 minutes and it's not fine then it goes goes away but i was at the comedy store um and uh it's been it's been you know that's my home there you You know, shout out to fucking, sometimes people ask me who your favorite comedian's coming up and shit like that, and I always say, like, you know,

whoever the fuck, but I got a new one. Nikki Glaser. I watched the past two nights. Dude, this girl is so fucking funny, man. And I told her this, but the shit she's saying on stage, dude, I'm in the back. I'm howling. She's so fucking funny, Nikki Glaser. She had a show on Comedy Central called Not Safe, and I think I did it twice.

And I had a blast doing it. She's such a sweetheart. But I don't know if I ever sat down and watched her. As comedians, you walk by the back hallway, you see the fucking, you see inside, you're like, oh yeah, fucking whoever's on stage. Bobby Lee's on stage, Whitney Cummings on stage. But you don't watch him.

You watch maybe your one or two favorite. Like I watch Brody Stevens or Bill Burr or something. But Nikki was before me like two nights in a row and I watched her. And dude, I was fucking howling. Dude, she's so funny. She's so fucking funny. You should check her out. And you should – she's getting – apparently she's moving to New York and doing a radio show on XM.

But she's just fucking funny, man. She was killing me. She was talking about like the type of guy she likes and her ex. And it was just funny and relatable to me and I'm fucking – I'm a guy, you know. But yeah, she was hilarious. And then the ever funny Chrisris spencer was on that guy fucking killed always has been killing me that guy might be the best storyteller i've ever i've ever encountered we used to go to the fucking coffee bean and run that block in the valley

and dude this guy by the way my friend chris spencer knows everybody anybody would walk into that coffee bean and they would walk in and be like, hi. And be like, oh, Chris, what's up? Eddie Murphy walked in and Eddie was like, hey, what's up? This guy knows everybody. He's so funny, dude. Him and Nikki Glaser, the two of them. But anyway, you got to check their shit out. You probably know them already.

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and doing shadow stabbing all day to nobody, right? Just opened up an ice pack, up a, um, uh, an ice pack and it went all over my sink. I flicked it open and went and it opened all over my sink and I didn't know it wasn't water and I had to, it's really tough to get all that stuff out of my, my stuff. Anyway, great stuff. So the grill, uh, the grill master crate with a brass knuckle meat tenderizer and a cast iron smoker box, they send you that. They'll send you the whiskey appreciationrate with a Brass Knuckle Meat Tenderizer and a Cast Iron Smoker Box. They send you that. They'll send you the Whiskey Appreciation Crate with a personalized decanter and glasses for his favorite drink. You're telling me Yonkle won't like that? You're telling me Yonkle won't like that?

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what it tastes? You know, it tastes good. You know, it tastes great. You know, it tastes bad. You know, it tastes spicy. You know, it tastes bland. You know, it doesn't taste interesting. You know, what's interesting? A book. Hmm. That's very interesting. If you put something, if you put a fucking breadcrumb in your mouth and you say, God, that tastes very interesting. Immediately, you're out of my club. Immediately, you're a cocksucker. And immediately, all you do is you got to have an ego to say, hmm, that tastes really interesting. Oh, another one let me let me describe to you the definition of mouth feel the physical

sensations in the mouth produced by a particular food oh this cabernet has a dense tightly woven mouth feel with complex chewy and velvety tannins that's what the fucking definition sentence that was if you say any of that stuff step back a little bit because we're in the same room get in that different room next to this room the gunk okay has a very tightly woven mouthfeel. Imagine being with somebody at dinner. Imagine being on a date and then hearing someone say, that has a really tightly woven mouthfeel. That wine has a really tightly woven mouthfeel. You know what a mouthfeel is?

really tightly woven mouthfeel. You know what a mouthfeel is? Something to be described. You can describe a fucking blowjob. Oh, that's a great mouthfeel. Imagine getting your cock sucked and being like, wow, what a mouth feel. Dude, any guy getting a blowjob for the first or second time with the girl that you're with, and you say, oh, what a tightly woven mouth feel. You're going to hell.

You're going to hell above someone that fucking murdered someone. Wow, what a mouthfeel. That, by the way, I didn't realize this, literally the most foreign thing you can say. Oh, wow, this is a really good mouthfeel. When I eat these pretzels with the outside caramel on it. Wonderful mouthfeel. It is a wonderful mouthfeel.

The texture of the tightly woven mouthfeel is so foreign. You know a foreign porn guy took a blowjob and was like, oh, that's a really wonderful mouthfeel. Oh, and here's the thing that online the mystery of mouthfeel what is it a fucking children's book see ya hey turn around see ya why is your nose facing my nose mouthfeel dude, dude. I want to train all fucking a decade and then enter the octagon as the fighter mouthfeel. That'd be the scariest shit ever. That feels really interesting, doesn't it? People constantly describe things wrong.

They like to use interesting words for other fucking bullshit. Like, you know what the worst thing is? Have I talked about this before? Describing someone as nice. I think I have talked about this before on the podcast. No? Juan Fire's saying no but if that's what comes to mind as describing someone for your first fucking thing oh yeah

it's really nice i've talked about this on a podcast before fuck it it's the worst thing ever be mysterious be a bad guy before you be nice um i mean my i gotta i gotta take a picture of my dogs right here the what? I have, I for sure have I just didn't delete it it was in my fucking the shit the things I have on my podcast

I have shit right here that I don't even know what it means this is the stuff that comedians write in their notes. So I write, child molestation and dash, the most Italian I would ever be. I don't even know what that means. What does that mean? What does that mean? Like the most bullshit premise.

I think I was talking about child molestation like if my kid if that happened god how many shows are on Netflix about how some kid gets molested and then like the dad has to find the guy and the guy is wearing has to wear like a and it takes place in fucking fall and the guy is wearing, has to wear like a, and it takes place in fucking fall.

And the guy's wearing a coat with a collar. Goddamn. But I think I was talking about it with, I was like, if somebody was going to, if somebody did that to my kid, I would fucking drag him. I think that's what I was saying. I would fucking drag him. I'd curb, I'd curb him, dude. I'd curb stomp him. And then I was talking about it.

And then I was like, that's the most Italian I could ever fucking be. It's because these motherfuckers, if you cross me, I'll fucking, I'll fucking cut you. I'll slice your ear to ear. I'll slice your fucking ear to fucking ear. Dude, you know, people get lonely at the holidays. I don't know what it is. What is it about the holidays that makes you fucking feel lonely? You'll be with your whole family.

I feel fucking lonely as shit. What is it about holidays? I think of my past relationships that's what i do i fucking you'll be the song i'm playing have yourself a merry little christmas and i'm eating leftover turkey at 11 p.m. at my parents' house thinking about my exes, may your days be nice, and I'm drinking coke, coca-cola, even though I never drink it, out of a fucking glass, 11.30 p.m., watching some fucking diehard, watching Die Hard hard too and my dad's trying to stay up in his fucking chair you know and he's just like boy i'm tired but i want to stay up because you know it's christmas and i'm hanging out and he's just fucking on his ipad googling fucking uh spencer tracy movies may your days be bright and And I'm drinking fucking.

And I'm thinking about all my exes. It's a Jewish oy in a Christmas song. Oh, fucking. So have yourself. All right, dude, dude chill a merry little christmas i fucking don't like music dude how am i the only person in the world that doesn't like music and also doesn't like sports you know i don't like music because imagine like somebody next to you singing the shit you're just like all right. We're just trying to fucking chill. That's basically what it's like when you turn on music.

And then you want to put on music and have it on in the background. That's what it's good for is background shit, bro. If you put my comedy on in the background, it's disrespectful. So you're going to play fucking cold play in the background dude you know disrespectful that is to fucking phil collins who tried to work his whole life and make a song about some guy that saw another guy drowning and the other guy didn't do anything about it and you're gonna put it on in the fucking bg of my party while someone's getting blacked out drunk. And then some guy's trying to fuck some girl.

Fucking disrespectful. That's why I don't. Music isn't good unless you can fucking sit next to the guy and sing in their face about it. You know? Like. That freestyle. about it you know like that freestyle that fucking black thought did for 11 minutes bro how did he do that how did that black how did black thought do that that's the best freestyle i ever heard in my life it was 11 minutes on funk flex and he didn't stop and he didn't stutter once dude that's imagine never learned knowing how to never hearing hip-hop and then hearing black

thought fucking how many hits does it have now? 1.3 million? It's so good. And he never... It's the best freestyle ever. Ever. And... I don't get,

by the way, how cold is it in that studio? Him and Funk Flex are free, are in like, Funk Flex is in like a fucking, what do you call them? Ski hat and a fucking, ski jacket with leather and a fucking frilly hood how goddamn cold is it in that studio

it's got to be 20 fucking degrees it's got to be fucking zero degrees celsius i don't even know what that is by the way i'm so tired of seeing the fucking christmas the girls dressed up with the fucking titty out as the reindeer. You know what I'm talking about? With the red nose and their nipple. And their titties out. I'm so tired of that shit.

Oh yeah, it's cute now. I see it every year. The girl with her fucking titty out. And the eyes on the top of her tits. And the fucking red nose on her titty i get it dude and the antlers it's like that shit's funny one time why do we have to keep seeing that shit you've never seen it oh wow well people send me shit like that all day long you know because they want me to fucking post about it but that's one of those things where you look at it and it's

already annoying because you're like oh everyone's gonna fucking do it you know what i'm talking about those things it's like did those jokes that are like how many fucking jokes? It's like. Oh, when you shit yourself and bays around. How many? How many times you make that same joke? It's like that joke was like, oh, you see a girl's ass. And then the fucking try not to look at the girl's ass. And then your friend fucking.

And then your girl sees you. And you're doing a video. And some fucking some mixed race guy is like damn and it's got 40 million hits on it cause some fucking youtube sensation is on it

fucking Gucci Mane did a song with that Jake Logan what the fuck's his name Gucci Mane did a song with that jake logan what the fuck's his name gucci mane did a song with the fucking whitest kid ever the the guy who's trying to be tom green or the youtube star guy jake logan paul jake paul right logan paul and jake paul they, yeah. Yeah, Gucci Mane did a song with him. Gucci Mane's, hey, guess what? Gucci Mane's done in my book.

Hey, Gucci Mane, sigh of the fucknara. You lost me. Gucci Mane was fucking, I got it. He was like fucking silly cool guy. See ya. Oh, you did a song with a fucking YouTube star? Catch you the fuck later yeah no it's a jake paul song yeah

i mean how's a rapper gonna do a song with fucking jake paul how's that gonna happen gucci main was like a, you know, he was like the first fucking 2 Chainz or whatever. Or the second Cam'ron. Cam'ron, real as fuck. And people are like, nah, don't do, nah, don't. People are like, I tweeted about it. How the fuck? And people are like, nah, don't come at Gucci, son.

Ah, shut the fuck up. He did a song with Jake Paul. The fuck? Keep these motherfuckers in line. Right? Jake Logan, I called him. How fucking old guy is that? I heard that song. It's every day, that song it's every day bro what's every day

people fucking love it dude these kids love it man you will never understand what the kids you will never understand what the kids like you will never understand i the kid's like. You will never understand. I'm in my 30s, and I'm young, according to a lot of people out there, but you'll never fucking understand the next generation. That's what it is. There's a younger generation, and you'll never understand it. My dad, when I was younger, said to me, hey, I was like, you don't like this music?

And he was like, no. And I was like, what the fuck? It's awesome. And he was like, you just won't get it until you're older. He was like, when you're older, your kids will be listening to some song that's going. And I said, no. And there's a fucking song like that now there are songs like that now

that do that literally go listen to the fucking band what is it fresh fly away what's that song I'm going to play this song for you that I like because of how fucking weird it

is. Here we go. Come on. I have it in my thing. Oh, it's called mesh. I have it in my library. Okay. The guy goes, oh, in the song and it's a coming. This is a song. Like you're driving down fucking in the valley, deep in the valley on Sherman Way. You know what I mean? And you're thinking, maybe I'll go to a strip club for the first time in fucking seven years. Maybe I'll see what my fucking homie is up to in Van Nuys.

And then you're like, yeah, dude, I'm getting into some real dicey fucking shit. And you're not though. But in your head, you're like, maybe I'll fucking have sex with a hooker with a car. I'll use a condom though. You know what I mean? Just because this song is making you feel it.

And you're like, God, there's so much fucking pain out there, you know? And then this happens. Sometimes I wanna just fly away. Fly away. Grab my things and just hide away. And then this happens. And you're like, wait a minute. And then you're like, oh, so disrespectful, by the way.

I gave up. Look how he gives up. Dude, what is that weird-ass song? So disrespectful how he gives up, by the way. Right here. Like, he's even... And then he goes like that coming not getting half-assed

just feeling it you know he thinks he's feeling it you know what i mean oh this is so disrespectful to the... Dude, he gives up. Listen. Right here. Oh, forgot the words. He's like... Sometimes I just want to fly away, fly away. Have my things and just fly away, hide away. And I get a fly away, Fly away. Put my things and just fly away. Hide away.

And I got to fly away. Fly away. Gave up. So disrespectful to music, you know? But that song's the shit. You know why? Because he doesn't give a fuck. And he knows it.

I love that. I play that song. Every time I play that song, people go like this. What the fuck is this? And I go, this is my anthem, bro. Because sometimes you do want to just fly away

because how fucked up the world is. But also you're like, maybe I don't. And that's what he means when he's like, I want to fly away. Like you're like, I kind of want to, but not really.

That's so dope. Another song I like is by that fucking, and I forget, I always forget these guys names bro, because they're so weird, I mean, my producer's trying to say,

hey second ad break show up, and he puts the fucking, siren emoji on it, like it's like imperative we do it now, one fire dude, I'll get to it you know, alright I'm going to do these ads, and then I'm going to fucking tell you,

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With a podcast, when you're paying, they go like this. Oh, you know about cudas? And be like, are you one? Nah, no cudas here. So download the free cash app for iOS or Android now. Oh, oh, oh. So disrespectful. It's thisan band that i was talking about as much how much i talk about i don't like music how much i fucking talk about music and how much

i like fucking music you know it's the academy you are what you hate jj lee told me that once in high school you become what you hate think about.J. Lee told me that once in high school. You become what you hate. Think about it every three weeks. Thanks, J.J. J.J. Lee. Not a more La Cunada Flintridge fucking high school name than J.J. Lee. We had so many Asian kids with the last name Lee and the first name was like fucking Henry. Or like the female version was like Grace Lee Lee I talked about this before in the podcast Grace Lee and like Linda Kim you know fucking JJ Lee you become what you

hate told me that in fucking ninth grade goddamn do I think about it every fucking three days. You become what you hate. That's what, it's the truth, dude. You understand? I'll come out with a fucking album in fucking 15 years. And I'll be like, does it just want to fly away? Fly away? Oh.

Rolling deep in the fucking valley, bitch. What's that song? I hate that I never remember fucking band names. It's like a teen. No, it's not teen. But it's like a pop group in Europe. It's SC European. My library.

Maybe if I go to my library, I got Apple Music. Is that a good thing that I got? Or no? Genres. How do you fucking... It's like, dude... Oh, there we go. Dance, I guess it would be.

Dance genre. It's like Daft Punk. Daft. It's not Daft Punk. It's like... Is there a bigger strip club song than this one, though, by the way? This one. Bro, I'm already laughing.

Come on down. We got it. We got it. Ladies in free. Down at Westminster. What's the fucking place? Down at Westminster We got Ladies in Free

It's Ladies Night Tuesday Ladies Night Ladies in Free Guys in Half Rise Come in at 4 o'clock And get your jerk on Come in at 4 o'clock There's a booth

Where we're not allowed to say it But you can definitely Get into the booth And probably finagle your dick out And come There you go 4.30 It's a day shift

It's a day shift at 2 o'clock. Come in at 2 o'clock. There'll be one lonely old guy there. Come in with your buddies. And you talk to a girl named Destiny, and she'll bring you in the back. And when the guy isn't looking that comes by with a checklist to see how many songs you're doing, you can pull out your cock and come a little bit. Change your dance.

There you go You've got Destiny coming up on stage She'll jerk you off in the back It's fucking 3pm, why wouldn't she? Down in Westminster And you'll come during this part You'll come in this part There's no part more part. You'll come in this part. There's no part more comeable than this part.

Yeah, in the deep in the valley. Fucking definitely on Sherman Way Boulevard at the Deja Vu. Get a 30 minute Get a 30 minute paper, Get a 30-minute... Pay for a 30-minute block and come in the first fucking three minutes

and then just kind of have her rub on your cummy dick for the rest of the 27 minutes and you pay $500 for it. Welcome, Destiny. Have her rub all... Have her rub all over your cummy dick. You'll come in the first two minutes and 30 seconds and then have to sit there for 27 minutes and 30 seconds.

And you'll ask her fucking questions like you give a shit, like about where she's from and where she moved when she was 13. Anyway, you'll come at this part. And it'll be sad because it'll be the song end. And then it'll play some fucking corn song. You know? Then they'll play some corn song. And you'll think about how.

Then they'll play this song probably. And then they'll think about how fucking. Then they'll play this song, probably. And then they'll think about how fucking... They'll think about how you fucking kissed a girl once at a dance in high school. To this song. And then it'll be weird, because you'll be sitting there with a cummy dick. And you'll be thinking about a girl named fucking Rebecca. Back in high school, that you danced with.

And how her mom thought you were maybe not a good guy for her. And you know you weren't. Because you never thought you'd mount to anything. But you did, didn't you? Kind of. Even though you kind of run your own business. And there's good years and bad years. All right.

Destiny. There's good years and bad years. And you drive a Celica. You drive a Celica. And you live in a duplex. You've got two kids. And one of them is from a previous marriage. Destiny! What are you doing here at three?

Anyway. Did you come yet? Welcome to the stage! She'll make you come secretly! Welcome to the stage, Cinnamon! Who's a black stripper, obviously! There's been no white strippers with the name Cinnamon ever. It's like having your stripper name be Caramel.

If you like this song, you had a bad childhood. If you like this song, if this song is your favorite song, there's no way your parents are still together. Oh, my God. You know. I'm fucking. Oh, fuck. I'm. That was good. I don't know. I'm fucking sweating Oh, fuck. That was good. I don't know.

I'm fucking sweating so hard after that. Oh, fuck. What else? Oh, man. We have an elder? Is it again we talked about it we just talked about oh yeah yeah okay all right let's name an elder oh it's right here we're not sure who the fuck this is and we like it that way you're like a master killer from the wu-tang or whoever the one was that wore the fucking oh fuck, fuck, dude. I got into...

No, let me do the elder first. This is the new elder. It's at C. D'Elia Photoshop. Why? Because they've been doing fun Photoshop things for the new show. For the show. Why did I say new?

For the show ever since we started. Ever since we started. We'll DM you with the details to get your pin and certificate. But some of the shit they do is fucking hilarious. Go to C. D'Elia Photoshop. Congratulations, you're an elder. We'll send you with the details to get your pin and certificate. But some of the shit they do is fucking hilarious. Go to C. D'Elia Photoshop. Congratulations, you're an elder. We'll send you the pin and the fucking thing.

The pin and the... I mean, they did a fucking sucking and fucking album. Picture. Anyway, they always make fun of shit and it's great uh i got a buddy that fucking argues the wrong points man and we were talking about it on the fucking uh on the group chain he's just like bro what was the thing we were arguing about what i just mentioned it well uh i just i mentioned i just what oh yes yes thank you uh wow fucking one fire two coming up with the flashback from the episode with black and white he was like wu-tang i was like oh yeah i got it so um uh uh i was saying how annoying on the text messages when artists fucking cover their faces and he was like oh dude well you know why they do that right and i'm like shut the fuck up dude

i know it alls are the worst he's actually not a know-it-all but like he just brings up the worst points like i was talking about girls dude you know what else is so i i say no i was like this is another he was like he was like you know why they do that because they're what they're doing is illegal they're street artists and i was like bro yeah i know man i know that's why they do it but you have like fucking bands that do it and shit and like master killer did it or one of the guys did on the wu-tang it's like who gives a fuck you're a guy who cares show your fucking face you're not you're not uh leading a militia somewhere i think he's master killer um and uh master killer um and uh i mean my producer one fire always googles the wrong shit he googles wu-tang mask wu-tang mask guy

and they need to google the master killer well he doesn't have a mask on. So it's not him. Oh, slammed me into oblivion. He just said, well, no, I thought it wasn't him. So that's why I wrote the first thing. Fucking slammed me into the next century. Into the next century.

And then I was talking to the guy who fucking brings up alternative points that have nothing to do with what I'm saying. I was talking to him about how girls always say, like on social media, they always say they're from LA too. No. You're in Wisconsin. You're not from LA if you spend two weeks in L.A. a year. That's like me saying I live in fucking Ohio as well. Because I played Cleveland and Columbus this year. We'll catch you later.

And he was like, oh, well, you know why they do that. And I was like, yeah, because they want to seem cool. And he was like, nah, because they're hookers. S, so jump into conclusions. I was like, yeah, because they want to seem cool. And he was like, nah, because they're hookers. Eh, so jump into conclusions. I was like, what? And he was like, yeah, because they want you to know that they can be easily booked in L.A. Yeah, okay, man, sure. Some of the girls who do that, you're hooking.

But not all of them. A lot of them, like, think, like, here's the other thing, dude. They'll say that because they fucking, like, are in an acting class in fucking Tampa or some shit. You're not in L.A. Don't say you live in L.A. if you don't live in L.A. And don't say you're bi-coastal if you have one fucking house. Don't say you're bi-coastal if you get fucking Airbnbs every time you go to LA.

You're not bi-coastal if you stay with your friend on their couch. You're not bi-coastal. You know what you are? Coastal. People do it to seem cool all the time.

Yeah, I live in New Yorkork i used to know this guy i mean i i i still know him i guess but he'd be like yeah i live in texas but my heart's in new york bro if you say shit like that we're never gonna see eye to eye yeah no no no but my heart no no no no no no he didn't no, no. No, no, no. He didn't say New York is where my heart is. He said my soul lives in New York even worse. What's a soul, you know? Anytime anybody talks about their soul,

gunk, dude. It's free conch. You can talk about it wherever you want, but turn around. Dude, you're going to talk to me about what your soul is like? That's also one of those things that only other people can talk about about you. Anytime somebody was like, in my soul though, you know they cry more than someone who doesn't say that. You know they'd have fucked up like they've been cheated on a lot. Anytime someone talks about their soul,

they've been cheated on a lot. Oh, man. I always feel like when people are like, I've been through so much, that's code for just like you've been cheated on a few like, I've been through so much, that's code for just like you've been cheated on a few times. I've been through so much though, especially chicks.

I've been through a lot. So I just want to make sure that this is real between us. You mean you were cheated on twice? Yeah, but not well, okay. If you're a girl and you haven't been cheated on you ain't shit though that's how you become what you become man that's how you know what's up man you can't be all like fucking go wonder woman and then not have been cheated on you know um if you're a guy you ain't shit if you haven't been cheated on too you know you had to have had that happen i'll tell you what man when i was married uh that shit um when i got divorced and then now like I'm so happy that that shit went down.

Nobody cheated, but I'm just saying like, I'm so happy I went through marriage and got divorced as a young 20 something. Because now I know what it is. Because now I know it not to be taken lightly. It's British. Now I know it not to be taken lightly. It's British. Now I know it not to be taken lightly. But, dude, now I know it not to be taken lightly, man.

That's some real shit. And I do a lot of jokes about how marriage is like fucking bullshit, but like, you know, if I fucking, I mean, that's not saying I would never get married again. You got to, though, man. You got to. You don't have to. You don't have to.

But it's like, that's just one of those things where it's like, if you have kids and you're with a girl and you're going to raise the kids with them. And then, yeah, you know, fucking you might as well. Even though the government fucking takes some money. Although there are tax incentives, too, for being married, right? the government fucking takes some money out although you you uh there aren't there are tax incentives too for being married right um all right uh should we do uh uh twitter questions did you have any good ones let's what's that he's

good you know you know he's got a couple ones so you know he's got a couple ones so let's look at some twitter questions uh hey dad weird what are some of your favorite tv shows movies to watch as a kid mary at mariam kudik all right whatever um as a kid why as a kid um Why as a kid? Okay, as a kid. As a kid. So as a kid, I said as a kid too much. Family Matters.

I loved Steve Urkel. I thought he was so fucking funny, man. And I used to do that impression for my cousin Nick and he would fall on the floor. It was probably the worst impression ever. But I'd be like, did I do that? And he would fucking be crying, dude. Um... I was probably the worst impression ever. But I'd be like, did I do that? And he would fucking be crying, dude. And then what else did I like? Oh, no.

I loved. Oh, my two favorites were The Monkees. Here we come. When his pants would would fall down with the holster would fall down you know i'm talking about and then um batman with adam west they re-put that out in the 80s oh it used to scare the shit out of me with the penguin with the laughing gas and shit and the fucking uh joker wouldn't you die you die and get and your smile would be on. It would freak the shit out of me. And then the Batman movie with the fake-ass shark.

You remember that? Oh, fuck, you didn't watch it? You had no childhood? The what? Oh, yeah, the shark repellent, dude. In his, like, bat fucking. He had everything in the bat utility belt. He'd be like, Robin, do you need Pepto-bismol be like holy stomach aches how bitch is it how bitch was robin how bitch was dick grayson holy smokes batman holy bitch i have no cock

oh so bitch dude just did whatever batman said and he was like 14 hey fucking creepy by the way i'm sure robin had a few me too's you know fucking if rob Robin were alive right now, if Robin were a real person, he'd be like, Batman, hey, at Batman, remember the time you used to grope me in the bat cave?

Me too. And people will be like, you're so brave, Robin. We're so proud of you for coming forward, Robin. Yeah, definitely fucking, if anybody listened to this podcast, you definitely would be in trouble for that. But anyway, what else? Do you play any musical instruments, Valerie Smith?

No, I do not. Fuck that, you know? What? you play any musical instruments valerie smith no i do not fuck that you know what oh i mean this guy's just making shit up who who does that do they do that nah skip that one on fire um i'm cute what does that even oh cutie patootie? Oh, no. This person, Crystal Paul, came across a license plate that says, I am cutie patootie. I am a cutie patootie. My prince is charming is my... What? My prince is charming?

Oh, my God. The license plate cover says, my prince charming is my son aiden and aiden is spelled a-a-i-d-e-n-n hey would they have a sale on letters i am a cutie patootie what a nightmare this fucking person must be i'm gonna go on a limb and say it's a it's a woman crystal paul is that jake paul's mom is this every day bro with her fucking license plate oh my god i'm a cutie patootie what music here's a good one john lindros at john lindros one there's another john lindros at least pick a number that was fucking identifiable to you maybe he just thinks he's number one which is a gym mentality what music do you listen to when you're crushing it at the gym i already talked

about this but um you should listen to slow celine d on shit that really gets it going but i i don't listen to that a lot i listen to a lot of like uh like that uh that's it that's it uh that's it babies uh square cash have you switched yet if no you got it do it make it one of your new gears resolutions to switch to the cash app screenshot it and show me it on twitter download the free square cash app design your cash card to get ios or android now and uh we will have an episode on christmas it is monday but we will have an episode on christmas so congratulations and listen about that subscribe to the youtube channel uh we got clips that come out about the YouTube and it's also a video

and it's great. It's a video. You get to see me in action. Download the Crystalia app for iOS or Android and also I show you sometimes behind the scenes for the fucking podcast

and backstage at the comedy store and doing shows and shit. Get some merch. You can get a, for your last minute Christmas gifts, you can get your, a gift card minute Christmas gifts, you can get your, a gift card from my website if you know another baby

and you want to give them something like that. So go to Chris, go to ChrisLea.com for that. Subscribe, rate, and review the show. Tweet me. Video episodes go up

on usually Tuesdays or Wednesdays. I got some upcoming shows. San Diego, Riverside, New Year's Eve, come join me. Winnipeg, Calgary, Saskatchewan, Pasadena, just got my flight for Canada, and Diego, Riverside, New Year's Eve. Come join me. Winnipeg, Calgary, Saskatchewan, Pasadena.

Just got my flight for Canada. And Tampa, Florida. I have decided to come at the end of January. I've got shows in Tampa. And listen to my specials. Watch some TV shows, movies. I don't know what the fuck this says. I've got movies coming out.

I've got a movie coming out. The trailer's up for Half Magic. Half Magic movie. A movie coming out called Half Magic. Thanks for listening. You guys are great. Thank you, Bob. You bitch. Fuck you, fuck you. Motherfucker. I am the motherfucker. I am the motherfucker.

Motherfucker.