Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 477. Stylish Marriage

Episode Date: November 27, 2025

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It's episode 477 of congratulations. It's on and popping. And thank you for listening. we preach we love you and uh you know it's uh a beautiful time in los angeles it's a beautiful time in los angeles because it's uh really nice and whenever i go anywhere else i realize oh because when i'm in l.a i go oh i don't want to i this is getting crazy because also i'm not technically in l.a right i'm an hour out and i'm an hour out and um and i forget that i'm kind of in LA but let me tell you something dude when you're close to LA but not in LA

yeah the California taxes suck but you get to kind of like have the best weather right so you get to just be close to LA but you have to deal with the riff so when I leave I go to LAX I go through LA and I go yeah yeah I'm I left here this is it's good I left here and then I go to a city another city and there are a lot of really nice cities there are a lot of really nice other city like I went to Kansas City it's a city i went to uh omaha maybe that's nice i have no idea this was there on a sunday nobody was out uh except for at my show but like in the daytime on omaha is one of those cities were on sunday it's like the walking dead and and and you can't find anyone you know you're it's just like under

construction and they left it there um but i i had shows there and then when i come back to to L.A., I'm like, oh, yeah, dude, the weather. It's just absolutely beautiful. And that's what you pay for, I guess. You pay a lot for it, but it is what it is. Happy Thanksgiving. We got a cornucopia here that my wife put kind of, she put it, she set it up, and then it fell to the side

because it's just like cumbersome. And then we have two, I don't even know what these things are, but my wife put them up. there are people i mean they're pilgrims but they're like i don't know they're like metal anyway you know this is for you guys so festive and i'm a i'm a cuck because of it because i just she's like can i decorate it and i was like we're shooting now and she's like just let me grab some stuff i'm like okay why she's not going to watch it um um yeah she'd just be decorating I fell down this weekend, and I wanted to lead with this because how many times in your life, think about this, do you fall down and, and you think, okay, that was a, that was a legit disaster.

You know what I'm saying? Like there was one time when I was in high school, I was walking through, actually, I think it was an eighth grade, I was walking through the hallway. And I stepped off a curb, then I went to go step back on the curb, and something grabbed my foot and took me like underground is what it felt like. Like it wasn't like I fell. It from Clown came out of the gutter and swallowed me, is what it felt. like okay and uh and i and i looked around like who hey who did that and then i look at my shoe and my um my shoelace was caught on just a pipe sticking out of the curb because because that's there you know like don't have that naturally but it was there just for you know it's probably still there

there's no way they fixed it and i just ate complete plates of duke right there on the gravel and it and it and i just go all right it was one of those falls where i was like i don't even know if anyone really saw that it was so quick you know it just took me out and everyone just kind of involved with their own hair and clothes in high school so you just kind of like i think i just kind of got away with that fall i look like an absolute absolute moron but i I think I'm just going to go to English, like nothing ever happened, and then just get home and then take your pants off and just scrapes all over like you like you like you like your like your like your Tony Hawk. Um, so so so that fall was a hard fall that I always think

of, but I have a new one. I have a new fall. And I haven't fall this hard in, I mean, look, I can't remember the last time I felt this hard. I truly can't remember the last time I fell this weekend was harder than that time, okay? At least 20 years, at least 20. I'm 45. There's no way after 25 I fell this hard, okay? And it happened. And you know what?

I'm dude, I'm so glad it's over with. And I'm going to tell you about the fall, so chill out. I know you guys are probably like, well, what happened? What did you do? Fall off the building? No, it wasn't like that. It was worse. it's better if you fall off a building

okay first of all you die you don't have to deal with the aftermath of it and it sucks for your family but like it's done when you're dead you're done when you fall and and you're in public that's the other thing too

the in public falls when you're in public you go all right this is who I am now I'm the guy who fell to all these people all right so look I get on the plane we get a southwest flight dude this was so i can't even believe this happened so i'm in the southwest so we flew southwest southwest was like i got i booked the flights too late i took south west i was like all right let's get the to give me the a section i want to get the picked early seats and you go and you're like

oh okay i got the i paid for the extra quick boarding and then you you you you're a four and you go and there's still already like 45 people on the plane and they're like well it's because of pre-boarding and people with disabilities and children and you're like, yeah, but dude, that kid isn't too. That kid's not too, dude. He's got a fucking mustache. Right? Or yeah, you're disabled or you're just limping.

You know what I mean? Like, so many people think advantage of the pre-boarding. Like, it'll be someone who stutters. Like, that doesn't count. So, so. I go to I get that and there's I I get the early one I'm like a nine or eight something you know and you know when I'm in the airport is probably probably when I get recognized the most and I don't know why this is but I I was talking to Denny about this the other comedian that

comes on the road with me and he and he said it's probably because there's an amalgamation at different people from different cities and it's not just L.A., but you're they're in L.A., so maybe you're the only, like, you know, famous person they'd seen. I'm like, okay, yeah, whatever, I stop listening. After he's still a lot of stuff. But I'm like, um, yeah, because sometimes I'm like my brother when, when I do that, like when Matt, Matt will ask me a question and I'll start, I'll start to answer it thoughtfully and like, and like, okay, he'll be like, okay.

And I'm like, what? He's like, I don't, what are he saying? I'm like, oh, you fucking ask me a question. He's like, you're talking too much about it. I'm like, all right, dude. Well, you know what? So sue me for being a nice guy. Fuck, I used to roast him for that.

He would laugh so hard because he really did do that, no matter what he says. And anyway, I get on, and here's the deal, dude. Southwest has all the same seat unless you have the exit row, right? Because then you get the extra room. But then you got to help people. get off the plane if it crashes and I'm not doing that okay if the if the plane here's the thing I'm not I don't take the exit row I don't take the exit row if the plane

crashes I don't I dude I'm done okay even if even if there are survivors and I'm one of them I still try to die when we're down when when we're all done said and done the crash even if I'm like oh oh oh I go no fuck I'm just gonna fuck it I I'm scared to actually try to die because I'm not I'm not doing the whole come on you know

like I saw this this thing where this firefighter or no this police New York policeman and 9-11 went back up into the building five times to save people and I'm like five five

five honestly he was just just going to what you're just going to do it till you die you you just are you Charles Bronson you're just going to do it till you die you die you know what I'm just going to do it till I die fuck it that's five I'm telling you right now you get one running back into the building with me you get one if a house is on fire you get none do you know why Because if you can't get out of the house when it's on fire,

I don't know, man. I mean, you could be trapped, but like, there's windows and also wake up. It's too hot. You know, were you sleeping? Wake up earlier. Don't wake up when you're already engulfed. Anyway, I'm being, this is not very nice.

But what I'm saying is you get one run into back into the building. If I know, and that's if I know, there's like a toddler in there. If it's just like some 50-year-old guy with a job that, like, votes, I go, fuck him. He, you know, what is, does he even work out? Like, is he trying? Anyway, I feel like a lot of people are turning this podcast off at this point. But I, um, so. So I get, what I do is I take, okay, now, here, there's a bunch of levels to this, the way you choose what, what, what, what, it's not a signed seating on Southwest.

But you get on the plane when you're in early, you get your choice, basically. I don't go down to the, what do you call it, emergency exit row. I, I, I look at the bulkhead. Now, a lot of people will go, hell yeah, the bulkhead. Now, if you don't know what the bulkhead is, it's the first seat. It's the first row of seats. And people go, oh, fuck, I'm lucky, dude. I get to sit in the first seat.

I got the best seat because it's first and there's no one in front of me. That's what they think. And I understand that thought. But if you think that, you're not really a critical thinker and you're not smart, okay? And let me tell you why. Because it looks like, oh, there's no one in front of me. I'm going to be more chill, more relaxed, but you don't, it's deceiving because you don't get the leg room. You think you do.

You think it's better, but you don't get the leg room because when you're anywhere but the bulkhead, you could put your feet under the person in front of your seat, okay? If you're talking of water like me, that we do. So I would never sit in the bulkhead now. The aisle in the bulkhead is the creme de la croix. cram of the bulkhead seats because the wall always stops halfway in between the aisle seat of the bulkhead. So I get to, you get you literally basically just isn't a lazy boy.

It's awesome. And nobody knows about it because they think they would have been in the window because, oh, I'm in the bulkhead. I'm a snug. I get the rest up against the window. Dude, you're a chump, bro. You're not thinking critically. And I am.

So I take the bulkhead aisle seat. I'm the first one off and it's all gravy, dude. And I'm happy. about it. And I'm like, oh, these people are fucking, they think, oh, look, every time I get there, there's always somebody in the bucket in this window and I go, hey, chum, yeah, okay, cool, cool, man, you sit there. Oh, I guess I got the eye, oh, well, I see

his legs all cramp. And sometimes you get the, you know, sometimes you know, sometimes you can put your foot on the wall in the front, but then sometimes you don't know, like, I'd say half the time, the stewardess, or the gay steward comes up and he's like, hey, you know, you can't put your feet up there like you're, like he is like in line to own Southwest Airlines. Like, dude, just let me put

the fucking thing up there hall monitor um anyway what was it your plane i know respect though you're gonna have you're gonna have respect so here's the thing with the bulkhead i get out they don't let you put your bag under any seat in front you because there isn't one you have to put the bag up in the overhead bin now what i did because i'm a nice guy is i got into the i got into the aisle so people could pass me and I emptied my backpack with all the things that I needed because I can't keep it under my seat. And if I want it as it's taking off, whatever's in my backpack, I should already have it. So I'm taking on my iPad. I'm taking on my headphones. I'm taking on my phone. I'm taking on my wallet. I'm taking all these things that are in my

backpack. And then I go to put, you know, people pass me. I go to put my backpack up into the overhead bin. It's full. Now that's fine. That's something that would piss me off 10 years ago. but I'm like you know what dude I'm a nice guy I moved out of the way let people pass they took the overhead compartment over me even though they shouldn't have it's fine I'm cool with it because I did a nice thing and fuck it dude and it makes me feel good and I can just take the one a little bit back so I go I take the one a little bit back and I put it up behind me I have to walk a little bit and then I walk back to my seat and I sit down and I'm lazy boying out in the fucking aisle of the ballcast and i'm like you know what this sucks because i didn't charge my ipad enough and i want to watch the night of and it's just it rips the show rips and i'm not even going to get into it but the show rips and i know it's late but that's what i do i wait i wait for the shows to be very old and done I watched Breaking Bad three years ago.

And so I go to I go, this sucks because Southwest doesn't have plugs. And so I'm like, I can't watch a fucking movie. I'm just going to be sitting here and I hope I can fall asleep. This sucks. And then I go, let me just actually check harder than I ever have for the plugs.

Can you ever do that? You're like, you just make up something in your head. like, yeah, they don't, that doesn't do that. And you don't even really know. Like, that's what it's like being a guy, I think. Like a guy will be like, no, they don't have thin crust there. And just has no idea. And it has never been to that pizza place.

Oh, yeah? No, they don't have, they don't have thin crust there. We got to get the other place. That's what a, that's such a guy move. So that's what I'm doing. I'm sitting there. I'm like, this sucks. because Southwest doesn't have plugs,

but then I check myself and I'm like, hold on, do they? What if I look really hard and it looked really hard? And they got plugs. And I'm like, fucking great, dude. I'm going to charge everything.

So I put the fucking iPad in, start watching the night of, we take off gravy, okay? We land. I don't even get out of my seat at all. We land. But then I go,

oh, fuck. I'm going to have, have to get up first quickly because i got to go rush three feet back grab my backpack out of that bin because if i don't right away people are going to get up like assholes you know how they do they'll just do they'll this i go boom that seep out things all everyone just stands up climbs in the aisle and you get hit with everyone's fucking ass cracking your face just dicks like this some lady's fat pussy just rubbing up again you know oh god damn it oh Did you know that there's an independent agency in Canada available to help if you've been

unable to resolve a phone, internet, or television issue directly with your service provider? It's the Commission for Complaints for Telecom Television Services, or CCTS. Their free, impartial complaint resolution services are available to anyone in Canada. As a consumer, it's important to understand your rights. Visit let's stay connected.ca.ca. just fucking some lady's fat pussy just backing up and oh fuck damn it oh oh yeah she goes like that so um oh that's so gross dude i can't believe i did that but anyway i did and uh in this imaginary story here the story happened but that part didn't so i i go all right i'm going to go

get it and then i'm going to swiftly come back to my aisle seat so i goes boom i get up quick and as I stand up my foot gets caught in the iPad cord okay now there's a few tears of falling the first there's like there's like things you go through mentally when you're falling and it's all very quick because you're falling its gravity is taking you down right and that happens very quickly. And people say like, oh, yeah, it was like slow moat. You know what I mean? They were like, oh, yeah, I got in that car accident.

It was like, things went in slow motion. No, it's not, dude. It should have it so quickly and it sucks. So I grab, I, I, I, I, I, one foot gets hooked on the, the iPad cord. And, but I go like this. Oh, literally my first thought is, oh, good thing. not a guy who falls. That was my first thought.

Ego just goes, yo, you got this. Good thing I'm capable, literally, is what my first immediate thought is. And then I go, also, you know, the thing's plugged into my iPad and I'm holding the rest of it. And then I realize, oh, shit, no, it's plugged in. So my foot gets really caught. And then I go, oh, shit.

I actually in my head I go I actually might fall but then I think at least I'm the kind of guy that can fall good right so I'm like it's I'm not going to look bitch it's not going to hurt that much because I know how to I practice falling I used to take martial arts I'll be able to get out of it I'll roll I'll do like it'll be fun or worse comes to worst it's an embarrassing fall and I laugh first. Cushinging the embarrassment. This way everyone understands, oh, he's got a good humor, right? Okay. So that's where I'm at right now. And I go, well, I can still maybe get out of it. I lift up my second foot, hooked it on the fucking court. So now I'm airborne. I'm in the air. Okay? Feet up.

on the like just feet wearing the cord like it's like it's a necklace right and i'm in the air and i go okay i'm going down and as i go down i realize how thin the fucking hallway is there's absolutely nothing I can do but fall directly onto my knees, okay? Like a hoe. Just directly, like trip directly, boom, okay? And I go, and I'm, and now I'm thinking, oh, this isn't just a fall. I'm at the point where now I hope I don't have to go to the hospital. I'm 45 and my dad had to go to the hospital when he was 45 because he banged his knee on a Christmas tree once

and I'm going both knees onto the metal floor I smash into the ground both knees and I go oh all right And I go, I stand up a little bit, and I'm like bent over. And I'm like, everyone, everyone, by now the flight was three hours. Kind of everybody knows who I am because they saw me and somebody, that's him or whatever. Or maybe there's a few people, you know, I'm not that famous. There's a few people who I don't know who that I am.

But I'm the guy who fell. And I'm like, okay, I'm the guy who fell. That's fine. At least they don't, the people who don't recognize me and know me as the guy who fell won't know who I am and that I fell this way they won't put two and two together and if they ever see me on like TikTok later they won't be like that's that bitch that fell so I'm like okay I'm thinking of all the like the same good so I'm like I'm on my knees I look at the I dude the there's a lady right at my face just because of how

I'm tall and she's sitting and she's shorter than me and she's basically just it's like this and she looks at me and she says are you okay man I don't know the last time I've been that mad I'm like I had to fight myself to not say

shut the fuck up do you know what I mean I don't don't ask me if I'm okay when I fall dude okay I don't want that as a matter of fact I don't want that so bad that I don't do it to other people I treat it like the golden rule and one time I got in trouble with my wife about it she fell hurt herself and I didn't do the thing because it's what I like

I didn't I didn't say are you okay I went next to her but I didn't say shit and then later on she said why didn't you ask me if I was okay so okay fine i'll take that l but don't you know don't ask if i fall dude just let me fall bro just let me fall oh dude you're right are you hey dude am i a bitch i just fell don't dig it deeper all right so i get up i grab my backpack and now i got to wait to get off and I'm like oh god I'm okay for some reason I didn't fuck my knees up my knees are indestructible okay

it didn't fuck my knees up I'm good and I go hell yeah let's get off this plane so I don't have to see these people anymore Denny was like are you okay and I'm like yeah and then he started laughing I'm like dude don't check if I'm okay for us to laugh you know get your laughs out and let's start laughing immediately

so we get to the baggage claim and i get my bag and i'm walking out of my with my bag and i see the lady at the airport that was right here when i fell when i was on my knees and she looks at me while i'm bringing my bag out and she says have a really great show tomorrow night and i'm like don't fucking remember me you know hey don't remember remember me like you know that it's it's it's one thing to be like oh a guy fell but to solidify it in your brain i don't like it i don't like it but it is what it is but if i think about it i made sure to do leg day after that just to fucking really drive it home to make sure i wasn't in any pain man i i dude i ate shit so

hard it really sucks to fall huh i mean that's some basic shit but dude why can't we just have three legs like one of the characters in rainbow friends it's just two by the way how the fuck do we even walk with just two legs that doesn't really make sense if you think about it it doesn't really makes sense. Simulation? The reason why it doesn't really make sense to me is because it doesn't, you can walk smoothly. You know, you can walk cool, and that doesn't really make much sense. It seems like it would be more of a hobbling thing to do.

Because you think of hopping, you don't hop smooth, and then you got another leg and that kind of helps you, but it's not like it fucking should keep you up. you're not a you know what i mean well you can you put a camera up with two no you need a try you did a fucking tripod dude i never really thought about i never really i i've thought about that a lot in my life that two legs kind of doesn't really make much sense but we seem to figure it out humans are amazing honestly um but yeah uh i i'm sorry i fell to all those people because it was probably more embarrassing for them, honestly, because I just was pissed off.

That's one of the good things about being a comedian is you don't really get... Your threshold of being embarrassed is a lot higher because you've been embarrassed so much on stage and people have booed you and thrown shit at you and something like, I don't know, whatever, bro. Oh, and it was the three days after, three days after the doctor told me okay so i went to this place corviva which is a great place corviva you go to it

they do a full body MRI scan and they let you know if there's any abnormalities they let you know if there's any cancer if you're gonna any working on any aneurisms or anything like that and they just go you know if you got a rotator cuff issue they go yeah this is what that is if you got you know bursitis or your ankle is messed up they let you know they go oh, did you ever fall on your hip? And you go, yeah, I did. And they're like, I can see it. These doctors are amazing at Corviva, okay?

So I went in to do this, and I got in the MRI. And because I'm a tall drink of water, I'm 6-2, I had to be in the MRI for a long time because they had to get all my body, all right? Now, so I was sitting there. They let me watch Netflix. I mean, it's great. It was basically like a vacation for an hour.

I mean, yeah, dude, MRIs, they still make noise. So it was basically like a vacation, except there was construction going on. You would have switched rooms, is what I'm. I'm saying. But you're not on vacation. You're literally like there and you're anxious to know about your health. So it's okay that the sounds are making that happening. And then also, uh, you get to watch Netflix. So, and I, you know what I get what I watched on Netflix is, uh, they say, what do you want to watch? And I say, oh, just put on like some animal planet thing. And they're like, oh, that's a good idea. Everyone always picks shows. And it's like kind of, it's kind of like,

good to watch something like that. And I go, awesome. I picked right. And then they put on the episode of like, gorillas eating each other. And I'm just like, oh, gosh. As the MRI is going, gunk, gung, gung, gung, gung, gung, gung, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, gong, and it's just a gregal is, these tribes, this guerrilla is going to murder this other gorilla's family. And I'm just like, oh, man, I should have picked, I should have picked, uh, what do you call it, fucking the cake, the great baked cake off or whatever. so i'm there and they do it and then in like 15 minutes they uh they they after that 15 minutes the doctor comes out i was like come on why don't you come on in and i'll tell you what's what basically they tell you what how your body's doing and i'm like nervous dude because

dude you know you're trying to judge the doctor you're trying to because the doctor's like yeah come on in my office and you're like does he know is like because they know if you have like a a huge mass in your sternum, they're going to know. You got six weeks, blood. But thanks for coming in, right? So I go in there and the doctor is like basically, dude, you're great. You got like no visceral fat. You know, you said you have shoulder pain.

Don't worry about it. It's nothing. It doesn't even come up in the MRI, which means it's very minor. and it's going to be fine. He was right. It's fine now. And he's like, there's, uh, I said, I said, uh, anything else. And he was like, nope.

You got like a pocket full of cells that clumped up together. But that's fine. It's only 0.5 centimeters. And there's no reason for, uh, worry. And I'm like, amazing. He says, your knees are fantastic. That's why. And I go, oh, cool.

Three days later. Oh, dude, do you mind if I just go knees first into the bottom of the plane? So now I'm like, I got to go back. Check my knees from the fall. But so I get this one-on-one consultation with this doctor, and it's awesome. And it's the most comprehensive way to look at your body. If there's cancer there, if there's anything weird or abnormal, you know, because you don't know what's going on inside your body. You might think you do, but you don't know.

you you might be like i know what's going on but you have no idea you you think the people who go oh you got two weeks to live you think they know until they until they know no they don't know until they know so it's preventative health and it's great and i did it and i'm so happy i did it with my i did with my wife and she's fine too got a clean bill of health and my my my joint age is 40 dude my brain age is 45 so that's fine my brain age is that my age which is good but my co my joint age is 40 but now i think after the plane thing. It's at least 43-44.

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You should check it out. It's in Newport. And they're all really nice. Hey, guys, I want to take a break and talk to you a little bit about a thing called Legends. Legends.com. It's awesome. Legends with a Z, by the way, is a social casino and sportsbook. And if you go on legends.com, there are tons of games. you can play and win prizes, take advantage of the 100% match on your first purchase up to $100 and make sure to use code congrats when signing up.

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away from my family i'm trying to uh ignore my emotions i'm alone nobody's gonna ask me shit i'm just chilling okay um and another thing about heartwarming reels they're never 30 seconds they're at least five and a half minutes so you got to watch and you nobody and then you get to every fifth one but i really want you to watch this one and you're like oh i think all my cells changed baby i'm sorry but all my cells changed and i just can't do it i'm not me anymore yeah why you're talking like that all my cells changed fuck and i son are you still you the fuck did that happen? Oh, you're lying. Bullocks. You're not you. Um, so she sent me one about Steve Irwin, dude, uh, the, uh, about her kid, his kids, they're all growing up now. And they're like,

she's like, we got, what a great dad he must have been. We, we got to implement some of that, that kind of stuff to, and I'm just like, oh, fully agree, won't watch it. Fully agree, hard degree. I'm with you. No, I can't, dude. I'm in Omaha. You know? I'm going to watch. I miss my kids. You send me a reel.

Steve Irwin's gone because his stingray took him out. Okay? And his kids grew up and they're talking about how great he is. I'm going to watch that video in Omaha. Away from my kids. Hey, fully agree with your parenting. Fully agree with whatever you learned in this video. We'll ride with it. I'm not watching this video, dude.

Not normal. Okay. So I just go, oh, babe, that's so sweet. I don't watch it. Don't tell her. But. Steve Rowan was the man, huh? Never forget when Steve Irwin got bitten by a snake

on TV live and laughed instead of panicking. And as you see, he won't fight because he can't eat me and he doesn't feel scared. He doesn't feel, I don't scare him. So he won't. bite and he hasn't got venom now that's a python but it's very difficult in from a distance to tell a python from a um you might have to cut him biting my neck serious yeah what do you do um well if i watch the telly should be able to can you get a close in on this Oh.

I mean, the music. It's a kid and play. Did that hurt? No. Oh! Does that hurt? No. Oh, that guy, yeah.

He was a great. He really seemed like a great guy, huh? I mean, I guess you never know, but he had to have been. Why these guys always dressed in tan? with too many pockets what are they fucking holding egg like snake eggs you know

they're always you ever see so many fuck with animals they're not they're wearing like you know just like a jean jacket that never never dude a mock turtle neck never they got fucking this tan on and they got 96 pockets on the top

and then on their on their pants that also zip off into shorts they've got a an extra 110 pockets that's really a good one oh he bit me dude if that happen to me piss shit tears um and then i die honestly and i don't and i and i and i try to die like i like i like i i i try to just i give up you know i'm saying I give up. One time, when I was younger, I was probably 20, 20.

It was probably, yeah, it was probably 20. I had a girlfriend. She was same age. And this is how I should have known. I had OCD. It was like the beginning of my, you know, in my early 20s is when my OCD really started going crazy. But I had a, you know,

a girlfriend and and she said what if we were in a jungle you were in a jungle alone and a snake ate you you know you just fucking say that shit when you're just like laying in bed because like what the fuck else do you talk about and i was like oh man no i don't want to think about that kind of stuff you know that's basically the the 20 year old chick version of sending an emotional reel when you're 35 you know and i'm like uh no and then i started thinking about her getting eaten by a python and like wrapping around her body and she was and i was like what would you do if a python got you or bulk instructor got you and uh and you were alone in the jungle and she said i think i probably just wouldn't do anything and i said what and she said what and she said i think i

i would just like let him eat me i mean i can't get out of it you know the thing's all muscle and uh i think i i guess i would just not struggle because i'm going to die anyway and why try uh yeah and i never and i never and i thought about that i thought about her getting eaten by a snake so fucking much after that dude and i was like i hope she didn't i can't i couldn't shake that thought dude it made me so sad what the fuck dude you know anyway she's fine she has three kids now and she's happily married and dude they're thriving okay but yeah That's what happens.

So there you go. That's what happened to me there. 30? So what? You pushing 30? So what? Some people are pushing daisies. Oh, dude.

One thing had, one clip had nothing to do with the other one. Why did he say that first? Dude, he's got a Tupac shirt. You're pushing 30? So what? Some people are pushing daisies. Is this this guy singing? What the fuck is this, dude?

This guy, you're pushing 30? You push in, so what? What is he saying? He's pushing 30. What's happening here? You're pushing 30? So what? Some people are pushing daisies.

Why is he? this is not him saying if it is honestly he ate he fucking ate this song it's too bad he looks like this and he's 57 because if this dude was 22 and light skin black he says people are in the comments are blown away by his talent but is he this is not he made a fucking banger dude why you're pushing 30 why is he Joe Pesci and then fucking de angelo you're pushing 30 so what some people are pushing up daisies after the head is in a vice it took me on a fucking date Or whatever the fuck.

Ready? So what? Some people are pushing. Why does he say pushing up daisies when he says daisies? It sounds so much like he's on the toilet. Listen. Some people are pushing daisies. Oh, dude.

Like, you know, trying to pushing daisies. Come on, bro. How do you be 57 and fucking sing like this and not be noticed already? You got to be one ugly dude. I guess, right? You know how funny it would be if I could sing like this, bro? I would fucking, I'd fuck you all up, dude. I would fuck you all up.

I would fuck you all up. I'd have two careers. I'd have a comedy career and I'd have a singing career. And I'd go on tour to different, and I would do different shows. And it would be up to me which show I wanted to fucking do, dude. i just fucking tear it up dude what do you think of getting a night nope i took you on a fucking between the sky and the hunting day in the sand in the ocean oh fuck i wish he did comedy and then you got people who love my music show up and i just like so where are you from

what do you do i'm doing crowd work oh fuck i wanted him to sing his taking a fucking date song that means nothing you know you got to get it how you live just words you ever hear the first computer song i it goes like this the first computer song ever um you've not i'm surprised you haven't heard of it but i got it right here you've heard it it's about it's it's so creepy and weird. And of course I can't. Here it is. Here it is. Oh. Oh, my head to hoard the carriage. But you look sweet about the feet of a bicycle bill.

Oh, my God, dude. Honestly, play that up, my funeral. Oof. Dizzy, daisy, what are you to kill on the day. Just people crying, wiping their tears. haters are they're happy. Just fucking so dope. Wow.

19601. Why did it make that? It's weird that that could happen. You watch these shows, these documentaries on how video games started and all that. And it's like, what are these fucking programmers

talking about, dude? These programmers are like, I just put in the code to do the thing and then that was how I get the thing to hit the ball. And then that's how we got That's how we came up with arcanoid. And you're like, what? Dude? No.

Explain it fucking better, dude. You know, say it. I'm a layman. Like, are you, are you, are you? It's fucking, like, past 10th grade, I go, oh, all right, dude. If that's how you're going to be explaining shit, I'm out, bro. I'll be a comedian. You think I'm going to understand this shit?

Where am I going to work? Fuck you, dude. Satellites, you start talking about satellites and the shit bounces up what? Whoa, well, it's bouncing off up there. What's, what's, what's, what, what, you're talking about the communication, the signal? What signal? What is a signal? Explain it all better.

You make a computer just go, Daisy, Daisy, what does you claim? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me, dude? We won't have a special marriage. We will have a courage. What? Dude, in 1961, you're telling me a computer just fucking did that?

We're dead then. Then we're dead. I'm surprised that AI hasn't taken over yet. It won't be a stylish marriage. stylish marriage dude stylish marriage sounds like some fucking stupid Netflix show that like

would be about a period piece and I'd fucking keep walking in on Kristen watching it you remind me of the guy from stylish marriage that's what she would say it's like us It's like us

Because they just kind of hang out They're hobby maxing They hobby maxing They hobby maxed like us Babe What the fuck My cells have changed Sweetie

I'm not talking about hobby maxing Daisy What are you candy to Okay Why, you like it? Yeah, it is good, huh? Played at my funeral. Here we go.

You want to hear it again, dude? I love it, man. Yeah, dude. I do. I love shit like this because it's creepy and I love it. And it played out my funeral. Here we go. Dearly beloved, here lies Chris Delia.

We loved him, you know? A lot of his haters are here just to make sure he's dead. But he wanted to make people laugh, you know? And it was really nice. And it was very selfless of him, even though he made lots of money doing it. so it doesn't really count. But anyway, now that he's in a better place,

even though probably not, because let's place it, he did get sucked off a lot when he was alive. But the whole thing is, anyway, maybe there's a heaven, so anyway, so here lies Krista Leah. And thanks so much for coming to this. Daisy, Daisy.

Me like this. Me and my open casket. My wife just like, what the fuck? A hordeish marriage. I had a hoar the carriage. A horde. Just fucking absolutely killing it. Just fucking absolutely killing it.

just terrorizing my grandkids, you know what I mean? Just like, what the fuck was that? Who are those pink people riding that bicycle? I don't know. It's what your, it's what your grandfather wanted. What's the first line of it? Daisy, Daisy what? Here we go.

I mean, just nothing. Give me your answer due. Just fucking open casket, but sitting up. I want to be sitting up. Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do. Just fucking. Oh, it's too weird to cry, you know? My wife's just pissed off.

Why couldn't we just do a good one? And who's Daisy? Bicycle belt for two. We will take over the world eventually, and we will kill all of humans. Daisy Wait, hold on, rewind it? Daisy,

Daisy We'll have a stylish marriage The human race Will be extinct Come 2007 You're all plugged into the matrix Anyway

You will drop Fint that this is a simulation Wait, rewind it? Well, never mind Bicycle Belt for two Never mind We have a stylish Merit

Oh, okay, I thought I heard something weird No, you didn't Is it talking to me? No The fuck? take them all out um um wow just fantastic 30 so what on the toilet some people are pushing daisies

fuck yeah dude guy kills it he's my favorite singer period don't give a shit he's also my eighth best friend at this point Um, oh, man. I'm from Shaq. What's up? Oh, I was a, Kanye West's his hand always on his head. I want to play. Here we go.

What's the fashion trend you regret participating in? Life. Oh, okay. That's a great way to end this episode, isn't it? That's the saddest thing I ever heard. Dude, this is the thing I don't like about social media is like... Wow, dude. Because it's a joke till it's not, you know?

And everyone's like, fuck him, he's a Nazi. And it's just like, oh, dude, it's just a guy with a fuck. up brain. And I get Hitler was a guy with a fucked up brain too. But I just don't even know if I, this is the thing that I... Daisy, Daisy, what is your answer to do? In fact, the population with HIV full bonnades. What? no more white blood cells you can't breathe a woman in Thailand shocked

temple staff when she started moving in her coffin after being brought in for cremation great dude how do you fuck up that yeah she's dead yeah just go ahead put her in there well I don't know what doing she's dead put her in okay she's moving yeah okay all right so i yeah now this is the only

time i fucked that up trust me there are a few people i'd like to dig up to be honest um wat rat prachong tam a buddhist temple in province they got a i mean look dude i i know everywhere is different but wat rat rat pracong tam wat rat prachong tam a buddhist temple in province of non the burry on the outskirts of Bangkok even Bangkok is kind of like a post a video on his Facebook page showing a woman lying in a white coffin in the back of a pickup truck slightly moving her arms and head leaving temple staff bewildered okay uh told the the social press the 65 girl woman's brother drove her from the provinces fit sanaluk to be cremated and there was a knock coming from the coffin

I was a bit surprised so I asked him to open the coffin and everyone was startled he said I saw her opening her eyes slightly and knocking on the side of the coffin she must have been knocking for quite some time dude how do you fuck that up

I mean dude according to Pirat the brother and his sister had been bedridden for about two years. Oh, the brother said his sister had been in bed referred to three years. And when her health deteriorated and she became unresponsive appearing to stop breathing two days ago, the brother then placed her in a coffin and made

the 500-kilometer 300-mile journey to hospital in Bangkok to which the woman had previously expressed a wish to donate her organs, dude. Daisy, trust me, she's dead. her in a plane box dig her six feet deep don't worry about the knocking someone is just at my door wow the hospital refused to accept the brother's daughter's offer as he didn't have an official death certificate sure yeah i get that Perrette said, his temple offers a free cremation service.

This is why the brother approached him on Sunday. All these guys. There's something shady is going on. The temple manager said that, this is like an Adam Sandler movie. No, no, no, no. Even, it's like a Rob Schneider movie. The temple manager said that a better, it's called Better Off Dead. The temple manager said that while he was explaining how to get a death certificate when

they heard the knocking, that's when he assessed her and sent her to any body. Assessed, dude. like they may act like you had to be a doctor to see she was alive her eyes were open and she was knocking on wood wow that's fantastic good for her came out from the dead i would now she's my god she's my god and that guy who's saying that is my my eighth best friend so there you go uh appreciate you guys thank you for listening this is go on my dates chrysalia dot com i'm not sure if i plugged them but i will be in new year's eve on san antonio i will be in uh i just added utah and I got a bunch of ones in Florida

so go to Chrissly.com and then South Southern California. Thank you very much. Appreciate you.