Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 479. Big Bloody Cotton

Episode Date: December 11, 2025

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Runk Hey, it's episode 479 of Congratulations brought to you by Legend, Social Casino, and Sportsbook. Thank you for sponsoring the episode. Let's go. congratulations um we are it is so what's up is it's almost it's almost episode of 500 i didn't even know that it was it was creeping up on us creeping on a come up like bone thugs in harmony and then and they go and then somebody goes hey you're

do anything special for episode 500 and i was like oh man i forgot people do special stuff for pot for stuff I don't know, though, because here's what's up. I don't know. It's, you know, I go like, I go back and forth between wanting to do something special and then not. And usually I just want to just do my thing. I don't like to do special things. On my birthday, you know, people will be like, you want to do something. And I'll say, no.

And, you know, if you have got a wife or a girlfriend or whatever and it's your, and you're a man and it's your birthday. and it's your birthday, they want to do, they want you to want to do something. And you basically, you don't, your thoughts matter because it's your birthday, but they don't really matter because you got to keep your girl or your woman or your wife or whatever happy, you know, depending on what's going on.

So I will, I'm not sure if I'll do something for the 500th episode. Maybe if I can get Tupac on, that'd be great. But I'm not sure if that's likely. I have a new tour announced and it is called Go for it and a bunch of different dates coming up besides the fact that I have the San Antonio show

on New Year's Eve come bring it in, ring it in? Why is it bring it in and ring it in? Yeah. On San Antonio on New Year's Eve, I've got Southern California shows. But then the new tour starts Chattanooga, Tennessee,

January 16th. I'm going to do Milwaukee, some shows in Milwaukee, Montreal, Cranbrook, BC, which I've never been to, February 22nd. And then Vancouver, I'm going to do. So that's cool. What? Vancouver Playhouse. Oh, go for it. Is what the tour is called. Cincinnati, Columbus, Ohio, and I got St. Louis. bunch of different there in Nashville there, San Diego, go to chrisaliyah.com to get tickets. They just went on sale. So get them while they last. And I actually have, you know, I was thinking about this and I'm not sure if I'm going to do this or not. And maybe I'll put it out on Patreon first.

I was talking I won't fire about this. I have an hour that I just was going to shoot for a special and I just didn't because I got bored of it. And I, but I didn't get, so I did it for like a no about a year and a half and then i just started writing new stuff like once one day i just went on stage and i just kind of ditched it and just started doing new stuff and i kept on thinking like maybe i'll film two at the same time and then release them i just never did that other act ever again so i have kind of like a set that i have on video that i never filmed the special of and i might just release that i might just do that um and i if i were going to do that maybe i do it on Patreon first on my Patreon and then just kind of let you know it's not a special but it's

you know it's basically what I would have done on the special it looks good because the cameras are all good nowadays so I don't know maybe I'll just release that but uh so that's what I've been maybe doing and maybe I'll do that because I'm already too I already have like I could shoot this tour and then already another way yeah I have I don't know you know sometimes I guess content is content right like you know you people say specials people say clips people say whatever it is but it's like content is content and it's like i've i don't know i get to you get to a point where it's it'll be 20 years now as i'm doing in january 2nd be 20 years doing stand-up you can just kind of once you do it so much you just know how to do it and you get up there and you just kind

I don't know. It's like everything is material in a way. You know? I kind of, I don't know. It's just, I guess I'm less, I guess what I'm saying is I'm less precious with what I would shoot and what I would do for a special or what a special is. But I think that that's kind of how it's supposed to be, not how it's supposed to be, but how it is and how it has been for a while now for everybody.

Like, I mean, you know, big, big top dogs like Matt Rife, who, puts out, you know, what is a crowdwork special is now a special. And, you know, you don't work on crowdwork specials. You just go out there and, you kind of wing it. So, like, the fact that that's being released now as specials, which, you know, he's really good at that shit. And I just don't, you know, I don't know, it's all becoming such a weird thing now nowadays. I mean, I understand if you're going to do a special for Netflix or for Hulu or HBO or something. that's a different story. But yeah, I don't know.

It's all this direct-to-consumer stuff now. Like, you can just subscribe to me. Speaking of which, Netflix made a play to buy Warner Brothers, right? Was that what it was? For like 80-something billion dollars? And then Paramount Plus goes like this. Oh, hold my bear.

I will actually give you $123 billion. What I don't understand is why, what the jump goes for you know what I mean that it's to me it just seems bad business to be like oh they offered 83 billion all right I'm going to swoop in at a hundred and twenty something billion that's 50 billion dollars difference just go with 80 go with 90 whatever happened to you know when they're uh yeah I got a 25,000 one of I got over 30 and then somebody just goes yeah 30 30 nobody goes like 25,000, 24,000.

All right, do I hear 500 million, 500 million. Dude, it's such a bad, be like, who's the guy at Paramount Plus that's just like, he's got to be near death, you know? Fuck it. 123.

Sir, they only offered 86 billion. We can go with 90. Fuck it. Say it again. I'll go 150. Pressure me. me disagree with me again in public and I'll do it I'll go I'll go 150 sir this isn't in public 150 fuck you um yeah I don't I don't understand that but hey look I'm not the guy who's a

we we are living in a time now where most of the people alive here will be alive with whoever becomes the first trillionaire that is so weird you know and And look, I understand the thing where it's like make as much money as you can and do what you got to do. But how come, you know, I don't know, maybe they do do this kind of stuff. But if I was a billionaire, I'd be having way more fun than these billionaires, dude. These billionaires are like busy working and investing in stuff and like not paying taxes and doing other things like going to, you know, the south of France for with a, and buying a boat of a yacht. Oh, you have a yacht, dude? Kiss my ass, dude.

A yacht and you're in the south of France? No, dude. I'm going to fucking any Walmart in America and just stacks of millions and just running around getting people to do shit. Fuck you in the south of France. Fucking on a gondola with somebody with a mandolin trying to impress some lady. Fuck you. Me and the boys. are at a Buckees between Jacksonville and Daytona, just shelling out Millies.

Getting people to sing really loud, you know, that's pretty much it, honestly. Just sing really loud, everyone. Here's millions. I don't, it's not, you know, but then again, that's why I'll never be a billionaire, I guess, you know, or, or something. uh yeah but uh so they're making a play for that paramount plus paramount plus really coming where's all you know it's like it's weird it's funny you see all this money flying around and then you go oh some of the shit they make dude not paramount plus in particular just i guess people watch it you know saw this movie on netflix coming out this holiday movie what's with the holiday movies why do they have to be so bad

Right? Somebody asked me my favorite Christmas movie the other day. I said Bad Santa and they were like, what? And I'm like, what do you what? What's yours? What is yours? Christmas with the cranks? What's that fucking one? Have you ever seen 20 minutes of that thing?

They made a sequel. Who's watching it? Christmas with the cranks, dude. Also, if you made the Santa Claus nine times, you don't, get to be in another Christmas movie that's not that Tim Allen just in Christmas with the what's it called keeping up with the cranks

what the fuck is it it's a Christmas movie about the cranks anyway whatever it is there's two or three of them and I was watching it and my and I was watching it with a room full of people and somebody in the you probably wonder where the fuck was he I was on the road

but my friend's girlfriend was like you never seen this I'm like I'm 45 and dude no and also I saw bad Santa and you said

what's that you know what I mean anyway bad Santa's great really funny never saw bad Santa too won't I don't know

but yeah so I was in Cleveland and in Detroit. And I can't express you. Now, like, I've spent time in Cleveland because I've shot movies there. I've been to Cleveland like eight times doing shows. Who knows how many times I've been to Cleveland. I've been in Detroit a lot, too, but I spend actual time in Cleveland. And then this time I was staying on the east side of Cleveland, which is near the theater I played, the Agora theater over there, which the show was awesome. It was really fun. I do like playing Cleveland. I do like playing Detroit. But here's the bottom line.

dude. Cleveland is Detroit. And Detroit is Cleveland. That's the same, that's that place. Okay. You're one big place. You take two and a half hours to get from one place to another place, and you're still that place. Your place is two and a half hours big. Okay? Because it's cold. It's too much. Too many people in big puffy jackets because they have to be with their lips, cracked and then there's like delis slash martes and i'm just like pick one you know i do i do appreciate a deli mart being open late too because you could go in and you can literally get like a protein bar a cassidia and ramen and and if you need tampons you know just it's like it's like the Voltron

of convenience the tampon's just I'll form the head it's just a big bloody fucking cotton ew dude big bloody cotton you know that's something that an Indian

foreigner would say thinking that he was hitting on like some oh big bloody cotton huh yeah I'd love to see a big bloody cotton so

racism got into the show. I don't know how, but 12 minutes in. But anyway, it was freezing. My lips cracked. Did the show in Ogora. At the, at the Agora, not in Agora, because that's in Colorado, but I was in Cleveland. And it was cool. Rick Glassman came by, did a guest set. It was fun. He did really well. It was cool to see him. You know, I have Denny open for me. It was awesome. Denny loved. But it was cool to see Rick do a show for, you know, because I did that show on Datable with Rick 10 years ago.

And since then, he's got this, he's got a podcast that has blown up quite a bit. And it was cool to see, you know, because I know some of my fans know who he is because we were on the same show together. And then I've done his podcast and then, but it was cool to have him on the show because he's really been working on standup a lot lately. And it was just he did great. It was just cool to see. It was, it's really cool to see him find his way. It's been really cool. So thanks for coming by.

And, yeah. But, you know, I did this thing where Friday I go to, I'm on the, I'm on the way to, you know, now this is where Calvin's been upset now, like, three times that I've gone on the road. And it's really crushing me. But I really couldn't give a shit. Couldn't give a shit. But he's two. You know, that didn't happen until Calvin was like five for Calvin. But we, I get to the airport, get, I go like, I see.

I said, you know how sometimes you're in an airport and you'll just be like, ah, dude, I'm going to start reading books because they have that, they either have like a book soup or a fucking Hudson News and they're like, oh, yeah, well, what's Stephen King up to nowadays, you know? And it'll just be like number four on the bestseller thing right there and it'll be like some book by Stephen King with a house on the cover and you're just like, hey, still fucking alive, huh? All right, let's see.

And then so I kept hearing about this book, House Made, okay, which is a worldwide bestseller. Okay. Now, here's something about me. I don't really read too many books. The last book I read before this was Shoe Dog by Phil Knight, the CEO of Nike. And the book before that I read was The Client by John Grisham. And that was 20 years ago, okay? I read another book. It was an autobiography by my favorite director of all time, John Casavetes, and I didn't read the last page because technically I'm still reading it and having a blast. I don't want it to end. It's a great book and I'm still reading it. I never read the last page. And for the fans that know this podcast and know me as well as you do, is there anything more me than that? I didn't finish that book because I'm still reading it technically. I'll never read that last page. Never.

have never will and that's that cassavetes on cassavetes is called and so um so i i i i know they're here's something i do though i i i have i've read american psycho and sometimes let you know the client was a was a reason why i read the client reason why i read american psycho is because the movies were coming out and i go uh-uh i'm going to beat the movie coming out and read the first. These fucking games that you play in your head, that I play in my head for no reason,

you know? And I see the housemaid book on, it's called the housemaid, right? On, you know, Romans bookstore in a, in an airport. You know, the fact that they even have names for the stores in the airports is

absolutely ridiculous. Dude, any given moment I could close my eyes in a store in an airport and not know what fucking store I'm in. It doesn't matter. Oh, this is of Romans? Cool. I'm buying certs. Ford was built on the belief that the world doesn't get to decide what you're capable of.

You do. So ask yourself, can you or can't you? Can you load up a Ford F-150 and build your dream with sweat and steel? Can you chase thrills and conquer curves in a Mustang? Can you take a Bronco to where the map ends And adventure begins Whether you think you can or think you can't You're right

Ready set Ford And so And so I get the what do you call it The book I look at the book And it's got Sidney Sweeney And Amanda Who's that other ones?

Safe Read, right? uh who i'm like all right they're on the cover now which i don't like with a book when books do that i get why they do it to sell copies i understand but the book hey book you are first be the book dude if i wrote a book okay and then they fucking made a uh uh uh um a movie with jacob a lordy on it and then they come to me and they're like we actually we're going to put jacob a lordy on the cover. I go, the fuck you are, dude. The fuck. You know, the fuck you are. I wrote that shit. So they put Sidney and Amanda Seyfried on that thing. And I bought it. And I bought it because I thought I would never read this book. And I go, oh yeah, you think you know yourself? These are the conversations I have in my head. I'm being dead serious. I go, I would never read that. And then I go, oh, yeah, you think you know me?

This is me in my head. You think you know me? I go, yeah. Okay. Okay. Let's see. Buy it. No.

And then I buy it. And then I start reading it because I want to prove to myself that I don't know myself. And I'm being, that's, you know, I don't know if you do stuff like that, but I do so. Start reading the book. And it's, you know, it's a, and part of me buys, I realize part of me about the book because I want to be. mad that it's not good i'm i got a lot of work to do dude but i'm only 45 right but i just got a lot of work to do you know because i was thinking about how you don't have to live with all those

thoughts you know you could just be like being but i suppose that's what makes me a comedian but anyway so i i get the book i start reading it and i'll be damned it's a page turner it's a Exactly what the book is. It's a page turner. Every page you go, I don't read one more. And then at the end of the page, you're like, let's just see what else is up for a little bit longer. And before you know it, you're landing in Cleveland,

and you're like, I read 100 fucking pages today. Good job, me! Then every night I read some of the book, which was like three nights, I think I was out. And then I flew back from Detroit and finished the book on the plane like an adult dude like a 50 like a 38 year old portly woman i read the fucking book in three days on a trip you know what i mean what a bitch and uh and and i'll tell you what it's uh it's

you know what it is you know what this book is the only way i could describe this book is is it's like reading a bad movie that's exactly what this book is And I go, and then I looked at the trailer, and I said, yeah, this is exactly what this book is. This book is so written by a professional writer that's written 25 books before this. I can't even believe it, dude. And this lady knows how to write. And I knew the ending. It was predictable.

Why? Let's break it down. Now, if you're going to read the book, I guess skip ahead a minute of it. because I'm going to spoil it, okay? I knew the whole time the book's about two women at each other's throats, which one's crazy? I knew the whole time they were going to blame it on the fucking husband.

I knew the whole time. It had nothing to do with either one of them and they were going to blame it on the husband. I knew it. Lo and behold, that's what happened, okay? He's the bad guy. They're not the bad guys. He's the bad guy.

And I knew it because this lady's writing with the two ladies and the woman's in a precarious position and how's this woman trying to get you know and she's upset about this and i go and i'm reading this book per 10 pages i go like this motherfucker it's going to be the dude isn't it it's going to be the dude because it's 2025 the lady wrote the book and it's about two ladies sure enough dude can you turn a heat off just locking them all up in the closet and shit. Now, it's so preposterous, and it's a page turner, and it's, you know, I get it. It's good.

It's pulp. It's, you know, you're reading it and you're just, all right, you know, but I'd be damned if I read the sequel. I will not read the sequel. I ordered the sequel. On Amazon, it's coming, but I won't. I don't know, you know, maybe I'll read it. I don't think I will.

They wrote three. I bought the next two right after I, I, I, I, i read it so but uh we'll see they get here tomorrow um but yeah dude it's it's just it's a bad movie that's how i described that book and sidney sweetie's in it and the man to seafrid's in it and that other guy's in it who's really handsome and i don't know i don't know who else you know kristin's so funny dude my wife she goes like this hey i know you're not going to want to do this she texts me but when avatar fire and ice comes out what the fuck it's called let's go see it in the theater and immediately i go like this oh mom over my dead body well over my dead body

but then i go you know what i text back hell yeah that's what i text back you know why he's gonna forget I know how it is, dude. This is why I get the credit for being a good guy. And I also bet on myself. That's what you got to do when you're married is bet on yourself, dude. Yeah, fuck you. Let's do it.

Invite them all. When? Tomorrow? Yes. Tomorrow morning. Maybe we won't. Fucking bet on yourself. Um, got to do those quick renter stings because they license,

they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, they, commentized it, I guess. It is what it is, dude. But so, but yeah, so I'm going to, anyway, whatever, it is, you know. Hey, guys, let's take a little break. I want to talk you about Legends. Legends has one of the highest return to player rates out there. Did you know that? Imagine, imagine it. A casino that returns money to people. Okay. Well, that's a good concept. Thank you, Legends. And the redemptions, lightning fast. Like this fast. Like that. fast just the redemptions go like this like that fast you win you redeem boom done like fast okay none of this we'll go back to seven 10 business days get out of here with that no we're not doing

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oh this was well it's funny now well it's not even well no it is funny now uh last week I woke up, went to the gym, started working out. Kristen texted me, Cooper's doing really bad. I think I may have to take him to the hospital. She said, oh, what happened? She said, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he was laying on the floor and I got him up and he was, he was laying in his own shit. And I go, I am so happy.

I'm at the gym right now. I go I go sweetie look I want it to the next back I feel you I get it but it's actually leg day and I'm pushing 225 finally

for reps on a squat on squats and I don't I just I get it let's I think he's probably going to be okay but I don't I go like all right you let me know if you want me to come home I'll come home she's like all right I may need help get him into the car so I come home put him to the car

go to the that the doctor comes out, you know, we take him in, he's wobbling and shit. He doesn't look that great, but he's 14, too. He's a dog, in dog years, that's like, he's like Shang Sung, you know? So I'm like, she's like, so we get in and then the, and then the dog is, the dog's like, the dog's like panting. And she's like, Chris is just like, I have such a bad feeling about this. and I'm like, don't, you know, don't say that, you know, because don't say that because that's nothing, right? And, and, and, and, and I don't want to be shitty because here's the thing.

I grew up with a mom that does stuff like that, you know, like my mom will be like, oh, you know, there's a whole thing on on on on on what happens with you know any any kind of information that she saw she'd be like you know what happens with the fucking meat that you eat and the thing and I go oh what and she's like yeah I said who she says yeah you know what they said and I said what they said what they said and I said what did you hear that and he said I don't know they said that and I'm like oh you're making it up oh aunt Joan posted that on Facebook who's they you know so i have deep-rooted issues about you know when somebody said you know when somebody says like when i when i was when i was when i was when i was when i was when columbine happened back

when columbine happened my my mom there was a little one of those we had one of the little kitchen TVs that was like you know eight inches by eight inches and uh there was the news that came off over the screen and it was like in columbine high school in colorado kids are holding other kids hostage and my mom was holding a notebook and i was right next to her i'll never forget this and she she looks at the tv and she goes oh my god and she drops the notebook like like like she's in a movie like hold on your shit yeah i get kids are getting shot you know but you know we don't know them it's a thousand five hundred miles away watch out for my foot dude

so she dropped it like it was the cup at the end of uh fucking Kaiser so the usual suspects and it it hit my foot and I go ah fuck and I say and she says oh my God she says walking to the TV I said my you dropped the notebook on my fucking foot and she was like oh

look what's going on in the world and I'm like yeah but hold on to your shit I understand it's heartbreaking but like you can't just be holding notebooks haphazardly just like dropping them on the fucking arches of my foot I don't know Dylan Klebold so yeah I don't know Dylan Klebold

and the other guy in the trench coat mafia wow how'd I pull that name out But anyway, so ever since that moment, I was like, these bitches are crazy. You know what I mean? These, these bitches really be acting up, right? Like, that was when it all solidified. You know, I was like, whatever was like 11?

No, no, I was older than that. But that was when it was like, oh, I get it. Oh, okay, I get it. Oh, I get it. In a way, in my brain, it was like, oh, even though these kids are getting shot and this is Collumbine. Dude, my mom thinks she's in a fucking movie dropping notebooks in slow motion cinematically on the arches of my foot, dude.

Dude, and I, I'll die on that hill. And I'm maybe a crazy person, but I'll die on that hill, okay? So now, now, when I hear my wife say something like, oh man i just have a crazy feeling about cooper he's going to die i go oh that's nothing and by the way i do believe in intuition i do believe that you can kind of you know i don't know if it's a spiritual thing or what it's yeah i think you could probably technically figure out why things happen in a in a very uh uh you know metaphysical way where oh i i felt like i was going to get robbed so i did you know and really it's because you saw something out of the side of your eye or you know what i mean you're not like

you're psychic but so she's sitting there and and the dog's chilling and the doctor comes in and the doctor's like let me do some tests on them so she leaves and then christin just kind of like is so sad and because the dog because the dog she's she's thinking about i've been to this dog for 14 years he's been my only constant you know uh she knew him since he was a puppy all throughout college she's had him for since she was like 20 you know cooper's been more loyal to her than me so it's like um i get it it's sad but she's starting to think about it and then she starts crying and then i'm like technically all that happened is he woke up and he was laying in his own shit you know and i like look it it it's probably going to be oh it it he is getting old but it's probably

going to be okay you know and she's like i just have a feeling i know this is it and i'm like yeah but you know look you've you've had those feelings before right and it doesn't always come true and she's like sometimes it does and i'm like no i know and that's the whole my whole point is the doctor comes in and she says so and and and talk about intuition talk about intuition bro she comes in and she says the doctor comes in and she says um my so i can't really hear his heartbeat and that's that's uh alarming because usually when i put the stethoscope on the heartbeat i can hear it very loudly i don't hear it and i check for his pulse it's very light and that's alarming he might be anemic and if he's anemic that means it could be cancer uh i can't really check

his liver because when i turn him over on his back uh he starts coughing and uh i think he needs to go to the hospital for further testing and i and i and in my head my intuition goes like this the doctor's just not she's not doing it right get the fucking in my head i'm like put the fucking stethis in my head i go now put the fucking try it again Try harder to get the pulse. You know why I knew, and this is why I knew, when I go back, when I rewind it in my head, this is how I got,

you know, how I said metaphysically or, you know, technically you can figure out, it's not that you're psychic. It's a, when they came in, she came in with a student, not like a student, but like a practitioner that it wasn't a doctor yet that was doing rounds with her just to see her, how it goes down, because she was going to be a vet one day. And when the doctor said,

I can't really get a pulse and also, uh i i hear the heart beat only faintly out of the corner on my eyes i felt the the tech the person who was uh making rounds with the doctor to be the next technician i i i felt her exhale and go i could i think i probably should give it a shot i could have found the pulse i just i at a corner i said the other almost doctor go like this right so that's my intuition And I go, the doctor doesn't know. The doctor didn't try hard enough. And then Chris is like, well, is there any other way you could do it?

And she's like, I could take an x-ray of the thing and see if there's a mass in the x-ray. Then we know what it is. And I said, well, why don't you try again? She leaves Kristen, then she's crying more. And I'm, she's like, I just know it's it. And I'm like, I think the doctor probably is just, I don't know if this doctor's being fucking totally doctorish. So they come back and they're like, we took an x-ray, can't see anything. But we think that we should, instead of just saying go home and take care of them,

I think we should charge you $400 and then have him bring you to the hospital, and then go bring him to the hospital, and then they'll charge you a few thousand dollars. What do you say? And my wife goes like this. Yes. And I get it because, dude, animals are your heart, you know? Especially you've been with it for 14 years, you know. And, you remember it as a puppy.

And it reminds us of, you know, how life is precious and how we're all going to die. And it's sad, but it's just part of it, you know. And so we bring him to the hospital and Cooper just we get, as soon as we get into the lobby, into this check-in part, Cooper just takes a fucking massive shit on the floor in the hospital. And you know what's cool is they are like, we'll get it. And I'm like, why don't you let me get it? I'm sorry this happened. They're like, oh, no, please.

Don't even worry about it. They come in like their stage hands in the, in the middle of a, like they're, like, it's like another scene's about to show, to pop up in a high school play. They're just come on. They get the pan. They get the, they get the people with the gloves. They pick up the shit and they bring it in the thing. And then more, and then another number.

Hello, my baby. Hello, my darling. I'm a rag. So Cooper's now in the back, and then we're in a waiting room. And then the real, the hospital doctor comes in. And she's like, so why? So what's the deal? And I'm like, huh?

Look at the fucking, did they send over something? I've got to say it again. I don't know. I'm not the doctor. She couldn't find the pulse. She's like, okay, let me get in touch with them. And I'm like, she fucking checking with us for her. She comes back and she's like, so we checked his vitals and all that.

And I was like, he seems to be okay. He might have pneumonia. And I'm like, okay. And they're like, but they said they couldn't find the pulse or the heartbeat. And the doctor goes like this. No, we seem fine to us. So how's that for intuition, dude? I have women's intuition.

me not my wife I know what's up I have women's intuition but we're going to keep them overnight for $6,000 and we can give you

tomorrow my wife Kay the hospital fucking just counting money to hospital and the vet meeting up later at fucking Morton Steakhouse, just counting money. Just fucking laughing because they pretended like one of them, pretending like my dog had cancer with the other one, pretend like they had pneumonia,

just having a fucking grand old time. Just at the fucking, uh, at the Kings game. Catching a puck to the fucking mouth. then they got to go to the hospital. So, you know, that, so anyway, Cooper's back and he's totally fine. But it was so, the doctor was like, literally the vet doctor was like, it looks like, you know, I can't say he's not going to, it looks like he's on his last legs. And I'm like, do you just say this shit, Jesus. Then we went to the hospital and they go, psych!

they go what they say oh they say he's going to die the doctor fucking stop the cow so um anyway it was a lot and it was sad but at least trolls too came out on netflix you know what i'm saying no troll two trolls is that fucking disney pixar one whatever it is troll too came out. And troll was a movie and it was made in Norway. Hell yeah, dude. And here's the thing. I love this movie. I love troll. Have you seen troll? I love it. Troll 2 is not as good. But here's the thing. I'm thankful they made it. Because I love these movies because Norway just goes like this.

Oh, we can do it too. You know? Godzilla. We'll do it too. Fuck it. but they did it their own way with the trolls. And by the way, I thought trolls were supposed to be like, you know, yay high. They're just like, just make him big like Godzilla. And then it's a big troll.

And there's lore in it. And Norway is just like, they made a monster movie. Norway, dude. Troll. The movie troll. And it's good. The special effects are good.

They made it good. it's pretty straightforward and it's very well done. Troll 2, not so much. Still watched it, still enjoyed it. Yes, fellas, sleep three nights in the row while trying to watch it. But by the third night, I go,

all right, yeah, cool, I did it. It's great. And I'm happy for Norway. Spit all over the microphone. But, yeah, so Troll 2 came out and I watched it and I like it and thank you very much Norway for making that movie and that's all I have to say

about that. And I'm not saying anything. You know what I mean? Like, the rest of it is a personal. It's personal. But, yeah, dude, I just think it's so funny that Norway made a monster movie, dude. Because, like, what the fuck happens in Norway, you know? They're just, like, cooking and sleeping and shit.

They're just, like, cooking and farming salmon and sleeping and being cold. And they're just like, and, like, 80 years after Godzilla, they're like, wait, what, they did that? We could do that. Fuck it. put down the fishing poles yeah I just think that's funny dude not explaining it further than that

um man there's this coffee shop in no no well yeah it's a here's what it is it's a vegan coffee shop okay which go fuck yourself really okay it's got meals and stuff

though so okay so but it's known as like a vegan coffee shop and and immediately i just go oh you're vegan coffee shop oh my god you know go fuck yourself dude just your vegan coffee shop should you go fuck yourself probably and so but i go there because i'm in a time crunch or something like that and it's right there And I remember what my friend, Ariel Vanderberg and Matt Cutchell told me that it was great. So I go, I'm going to give it a shot because they said it's great. Because they said it was vegan, but even though it's vegan, it doesn't matter. And I go, all right, I'll give it a shot, dude.

And sickly, I don't want to give it a shot because I don't want them to be wrong. And then I don't want to not value their opinion. Because I like those two people, like probably the most you can like people. people like you know you just see them and you're like oh fuck yeah then they're great and um and uh so i go and it is jam packed and i go fuck i did this for a time crunch i'm fucked but i'm already there and i'm in line and i'm like i remembered something my grandpa once said where it was like if you're already at the place just wait there because you're going to fucking it's just going to be too much time you're going to be driving and spending looking for

the thing and I go, yeah, all right. But I don't wind up for him. He died anyway. But, you know, of old age, so it's fine. But I'm like, uh, okay. So I wait in line. Start waiting in the line.

And I'm, and this line's just not moving. So now I'm like, fuck. And they're doing the thing where they have two cash registers, but they're only using one. Sensational. Dude. I know times are tough. If you don't want to hire another guy, just make somebody.

running back and forth doing both then because this is just so i'm there's three women in front of me different women who are going to order different things all right and then there's a big man behind me and he's standing too close to me and i'm pissed off at that because his penis is basically on my butt okay but i guess what i do i i don't i don't i don't move because we're not playing your game we're gay together bro Let's go see a matinee. You know what I'm saying? Come on.

Oh, dude. You're going to stand that close? Two tickets to Avatar. Like, I'm just not... Let's wait in line for the fucking housemaid December 19th. Dressing up as the characters. And... And...

And so I'm just... standing there and they're just taking so long each or and this is one of those things for me that is just it's unforgivable i know i i i talk about this with i talked about this a lot on my podcast i've talked about this with people i've talked about this with people i love i've talked about this with strangers i can't believe people take so long to order i i i'm i'm i you go up you say what you want and then they say okay and then you walk away and wait for it and here's the thing this is this is the unforgivable part about it if there's a line you already know what you want because there's a whole fucking menu behind the person taking the order that you've been looking at for however long

you've been in line so you look and you go oh yeah you see all the asterisks and you say okay So that's not for that, though. And then those are the sides. And then I can get pork or chicken or vegetarian. Okay, whatever it is, you know? And even if you have questions, you go, that's the question I'm going to ask when I get there. So it's quick.

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and a 2026 holiday caravan stop. Learn more at Canada's Wonderland.com. But I'll be, damn, I'm waiting 20 minutes in line. There's four people ahead of me. And I'm like, and I lock in about two people before me. I go, all right, what's going, it's taking too long, what's going on? I lock into it before me. The lady before me is going.

She's doing the thing where she's just, you know, don't be pointing at the fucking, just come in with a clear thing, all right? She takes a while, she leaves. Then the lady before me goes, okay? The lady before me goes, this lady, I wish I timed her, dude, not okay. all right she was up there for like i mean dude it was it was under 10 minutes i'm not going to lie but it was over five minutes at the fucking counter ordering the guy the big guy with his dick on me behind me just breathes over my shoulder says in my ear do you know what

they're talking about and i'm like all right cool it's not just me it's it's us it's us as a gay couple we're we're upset at this lady in front of me and the way the fucking operation is going so as a gay couple let's talk this out so i turn around to him and i said you know what i don't know what they're doing and i look and i go lean in and i say and i realize she's going like this and and and if i have that what what what what's in that actually she's like well no it's the it's that and this and it's not real cheese and then you can get that and then And the lady's like, okay, and is that possible to supplement to get this instead of that? And then if I put that together like that, do I do it like?

And I'm like, dude, this isn't fucking minority report. Tom Cruise and the fucking thing just trying to figure out. Sorry. So what's it called? Time crime. What the fuck? Crime. What the fuck you call it?

Hmm? Future crime, future crime. she's trying she's up there like she's trying to figure out future crime like there's cogs in the back of fucking of the vegan we need to substitute the fake cheese three fucking heads together and uh it's tempe

in the amniotic fluid it's tempe and and and you know i'm sitting there with my gay lover and i say she's you know what she's doing she's asking all she's doing the thing where she's asking all sorts of questions and he says oh i give him a little kiss on the cheek and then we and then i and then i and then i and then and then i'm waiting even longer she's still doing it and i go i can't wait i cannot wait to get up there and ice this order for the fucking boys

you know what I'm talking about I can't wait to ice this order for the fucking boys and then have my fucking gay boyfriend behind me ice his order for the fucking boys dude and do it so quick and have the women behind the counter

be like fucking women because me and my gay partner are going to ice this shit and we did we iced it i go cold brew do you want ice yes do you want milk that no we have om milk we've open hot that hot that pst ice do you want to try that hot that ice ice Gay guy order Cool Now we're on our way To fucking the housemaid Because dude

What is it about to fucking Oh it's my turn This is my time I've been waiting And like dude I can't I can't dude I I la light light

King's speech dude People order I'm just Isn't that amazing that's that this place is just and then i got the coffee by the way to to end this story and it was good and i go hell yeah ariel and matt fucking they were right dude the place is called joy or something j-o-i

because they got to be you know either a vegan restaurant or a rapper has to spell something wrong you know so i eat i drink this coffee i'm like this coffee may not have any animal products in it but it's still great um so whatever uh uh oh this is the fucking thing that's not gonna work because it's on fucking let's open up google chrome let's open up google chrome because it never work on the uh thing you why is that dude here we go you get the shit beaten out of you that's exactly why he a musical beat up the musical i hope you get the shit beaten out of you that's exactly what

he said to me oh a musical dude bloody pulp the musical what he said to me. It's what I said to him was that it was my personal opinion that it would be in the best interest of the city. So many fucking words

just laying the foundation of the absolute summer solstice slam. Just laying a hey let's go to picnic. Brought a basket, a blanket, a check.

blanket, turkey, ham, cheese, a tomato he's going to cut up. Just ready for the fucking summer solstice slam of the century, using so many words. I mean, this is fantastic. First of all, a musical. He said to me, what I did say to him was that it was my personal opinion, that it would be in the best interest of the city if he got the shit knocked out of it. Loud, dude. Set it up nicely, dude. Dude.

Love it. I mean, that's insane. He asked me to repeat it, and I repeated it. And then he implied that I was inciting the council workers to be violent against them. That's not what I was saying. From my perspective, whether it was done by a council worker or a counselor or a taxpayer or a little old lady, I still think it would be in the best interest if Andy Wells got a good shit knocking. Dude, fucking brought everything to the picture.

picnic, laid it out nicely, had a beautiful time, and then went home. Just fucking kicked the shit out of that man verbally. I just, and also, this first guy is definitely related to the BTK killer. So that's cool. I hope you get the shit beaten out of you. That's exactly what he said to me. What I did say to him was. Oh, you're just so great, dude.

So unbelievable, man. What even is this? a great clip is what it is i'll tell you that much uh all right well go to my website check out my new tour cities christalia.com

they're on sale now appreciate you and thank you very much Oh, man, fucky. Congratulations, motherfucker. You scared, fucking, fucking, motherfucker.

Right on the motherfucking cloud for motherfucker.