Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 48. Ocean’s 40 (The Christmas Episode)

Episode Date: December 25, 2017

It's the 48th episode! On today's show, Chris tries to read a Christmas story for The Babies. Also discussed: Ocean's 8, and a bunch of holiday-related Twitter questions. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions ready never do the clap right and it makes me so mad okay this episode is brought to you exclusively by the cash app everybody i know is switching to the cash app and it's the number one finance app in the app store they've introduced the cash card and it's a new black debit card that you can design yourself via the app, allowing you to use the cash that you keep in the app anywhere you want. Plus, it's the best way to pay people back.

It's a home run, baby. Download the free Cash app for iOS or Android now. Congratulations. Oh, my God. Congratulations. That's what's up. You notice something different? It's the's up. You notice something different? It's the Christmas episode. Ho, ho, ho. It's the Christmas episode, and we've got a Christmas remix to the theme song for Congratulations. Thanks, Mr. Green, legendary hip-hop producer, for helping us with that remix.

He also does the regular version. He's done all three versions now so far. The guy is the hottest fucking... He's absolutely one of my favorite producers. And it's so cool that he made the music. And he keeps putting out fucking music for us. At Green Hip Hop is his Twitter. And I believe it's his Instagram too.

And he also did the Chank Smith album. A lot of you guys probably don't know what Chank Smith is, but look it up. Brought to you by Gillette. That's like the baseball announcer guy. Is that what it is? We've got yada yada brought to you by, I don't know, Vin Scully or whatever. Anyway, it's Christmas.

Merry Christmas. How about when people say happy Christmas? They just, I just, just, it irks me just a little bit, you know? Just stick to what we fucking use. How about Merry Christmas? You don't need to get cute with it. Happy Christmas. My producers tell me it's a British thing.

I don't give a fuck. Don't be British when you're wishing Merry Christmas. You say Merry Christmas. My producers tell me it's a British thing. I don't give a fuck. Don't, don't be British when you're wishing Merry Christmas. You say Merry Christmas. Happy Christmas. Well, if you're American, it's like the guy who's going cheers because he went to fucking visit London for a weekend, you know? Oh, cheers, mate. Cheers.

Cheers. That's awesome. Oh, cheers. Nah, just say cool. That's what we do in America. Let's keep it different. Let's keep the culture alive. Let's keep this American culture alive.

It's Christmas, and you may not be listening to it today, but if you are, you're a true baby. If you're listening to my podcast on Christmas, here's the thing, you're either a true baby or you're Jewish. Okay? You're either a true baby or you're Jewish. And we appreciate you listening. Me and One Fire.

Me and One Fire appreciate you listening. So that's very cool. I guess on Christmas, man, you know, a lot of people get lonely during the holidays. I actually feel some sense of loneliness during the holidays. And I don't know why. I don't know what it is because I like it. I don't like the loneliness, but I love Christmas and I love Christmas time. And I seem like somebody who wouldn't like it.

I seem like people, you know, people always say to me like, oh, you fucking, you hate everybody. It's really, I don't, dude. I don't. I love people and i love families they just people fucking certain people bore the shit out of me because most people born shit become come come to the table with some real shit you know uh but uh yeah i don't know i i i i um but it's the christmas episode and we're gonna keep it Christmas themed but we're not gonna do it

just yet cause you know I still like to talk about what I wanna talk about and I just saw this fucking thing online which I knew the movie

was coming out but hey man Ocean's 8 dude Ocean's 8 huh dude my favorite thing is that like

what did it get to oceans what was it first oceans 11 then oceans 12 and then 13 and no 14 right it'd be hilarious first of all I was like how high are they going to go but it's so funny that like they wanted to make a women version of it and they didn't do the next big one

they did they were like well we'll get eight you know like they didn't even do fucking oceans 10 they were like how many female movie stars do people give a fuck about and they were like oh at least five and they were like well let's you know let's see who and they were like well sandra bullock obviously and they were like nicole kid. And they were like, well, let's, you know, let's see who. And they were like, well, Sandra Bullock, obviously. And they were like, Nicole Kidman. And they were like, well, she won't do it. She's a real actress. And they were like, oh, Cate Blanchett.

And they were like, well, she won't do it. She's a real actress. And then Cate Blanchett was like, well, how much are you going to pay me? And they were like, oh, oh, $50 billion or however much. And they were like, cool. But they do have real actresses in it. Like Cate Blanchett, Sandra Bullock. She's real. Anne Hathaway.

Helena Bonham Carter is fucking amazing. You know? Sarah Paulson. Oh, Matt Damon's in it. That's cool. Hey, Matt Damon. Stop talking. Why does this guy have to keep bringing up the Me Too movement?

You know? This guy, it's like, hey, man, just shut up. stop talking, why does this guy have to keep bringing up the Me Too movement, you know, this guy, it's like, hey man, just shut up, I fucking, look, I'm a Matt Damon fan, I go see his movies all the time, I think he's a fucking great actor, but this guy, they'll be like, how do you like your pizza, and he'll be like, well, you know what, enough about these fucking guys, groping women, what about the good guys, and you're like, and the guy's like uh i i was looking for pepperoni as the answer um but god it's so it's so to me it's so backwards it's so it's so like like i'm all for you know feminism great women deserve it's all everything should be equal it should just be equal we're all humans it should be equal that's very obvious you got a dick or a puss doesn't matter you're black you're white

you asian doesn't matter doesn't matter equal everybody equal okay but when you take a popular male franchise and then say well let's make it equal and make the female franchise, the female version of it. First of all, it's not equal. Have women get their own fucking shit. You can't fucking say, Oh,

oceans 11. All right, let's make the all female oceans 11. That's already making it not equal because it's the fucking, that's the, it should be, it's the fucking that's the it should be you know fucking make it 10 women who rob a bank but don't call it oceans fucking what oceans shit that's the guy shit it's like it's like make it you know badass chick bank robbers or whatever the fuck you want to call it.

I mean, that's the worst title of all time. You know what I mean? But like call it fucking. And so they got to six stars. I love how they got to six. And they were like, well, Sandra Bullock said yes. Cate Blanchett said yes. Anne Hathaway said yes. Helena Bonham Carter said yes. Uh, Mindy Kaling's hot. You know, she's hot right now. She's got the fucking huge show. They were

like, yeah, she's great. She's funny. Sure. Let's do it. They're like, oh, well, you know, Sarah Paulson was on the OJ thing. That's great. She's a great actress. Yeah, true. True. Okay. Cool. Cool. Okay. cool. Okay, so, you know what? Rihanna was in Battleship, and they were like, yeah, okay, yeah. Yeah, she's also like the biggest, one of the biggest pop stars, right? Yeah, yeah, okay, great, okay. So what's that leave us? That must be eight that must be

that must be nine ten well we're actually we're at we're at six oh fuck okay uh god that's six huh well yeah i guess count it like rihanna cinderella k plancha ann hathaway helena bonham Helena Bonham-Carner. And then Mindy Kingling. That's six. And then they were like, uh, well, no, okay, it's seven because we said Sarah Paulson. Oh, yeah, no, right. She did the OJ thing. So how do we get to 14? Well, we're not even halfway there. You know what?

get to 14 well we got that we're not even halfway there you know what why don't we instead of doing oceans 14 we'll do oceans 10 i'll be like uh you know what that would be easier okay um you sure we can't get nicole kimmon well no there's no way we can get nicole kimmon yeah it's true it's true there's no fucking way we can get um how about i just thought of some female stars but they're they're dead uh okay what about um and then somebody was like you guys know some is like you guys know fucking this Aquafina girl? And everyone was like, there was a big record scratch, and everyone was like,

huh? The drink? Like, nah, it's good because she's Asian too, so we could balance it out, you know? We've got Mindy Kaling.

There's like 47 white chicks in it, so we gotta, like, okay. We gotta fucking balance it out. Cool, let's get her, she's Asian, and she's like a rapper, okay, cool, sounds good, and then they were like, let's make it fucking, you know what, let's just make it, let's make it eight, we'll make it eight, and then it was like, well, we could fucking, I mean, how could you fucking...

And then it just stopped. Why eight? Make it ten. There's actually... Why couldn't you fucking make it... Katie Holmes is in it. She's not one of the... Is she one of the fucking eight?

No. Dakota Fanning, she's in it. She's not one of the... The whole fucking movie is ridiculous. It's fucking ridiculous. It's fucking dickless. Dude, like, don't make it Ocean's 8. It's sexist.

Make it Ocean's 11. Make it a fucking new thing. You can't make it Ocean's 8 and say, here we go, women. It's less women. And some people are, I love how some people are going to be like, well, you only need less women to do the job. All right. You know what? That's fucking so many women that aren't getting paid that all these men got paid to do Oceans fucking 11.

Jennifer Lawrence. She didn't do it. Get her in it. Give her fucking $30 didn't do it. Get her in it. Give her fucking $30 million and do it. Or get Jennifer Lawrence. Don't get Awkwafina and fucking Rihanna. Oh, man, it's so funny to me.

It's so funny to me that they made Oceans 8, dude. I wish they made O 40 40 women and it got down to like women you saw in some movies a few times like there was one woman from a soap opera and then another woman where you're like i think i just seen that girl at my grocery store and she was just like let's do this in the produce section. The fact that they remade Ocean's Eleven anyway is ridiculous. But here's the deal. When Hollywood remakes, like apparently Ocean's Eleven, the original version, which was with Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., Peter Lawford, Joey Bishop, Angie Dickinson. I mean, everybody with these pictures of black and white it was the worst movie ever

and so at least remake the worst movie ever that's what movies should be remade are the worst movie ever don't remake good movies because they're already good like when Steven Soderbergh was like I'll make a person's love dude they would never make that movie now

because of the climate they would never make that movie now because of the climate. They'd never make that movie. If none of the Ocean's movies made, they'd never make that movie because it's too male heavy. Anyway, I was talking about that. I trailed off and then my producer one fire fucking started pointing at something on the table and it completely confused me so i got derailed so one fire well i'm gonna get a new producer but um he was like pointing and i was like do you need to tell me something he was like and he was like oh never mind so anyways it's a bitch and one fire

but um uh yeah it's a christmas episode dude oh shit dude oh for fuck's sake oh fuck it's probably good i don't know i'm fucking kate blanchett is amazing and cinderella bullock is fucking one of the best movie stars of all time so it's probably fucking good cinderella bullock's fucking hilarious actually she's how long has she been acting? 50 years? And she still looks good? I want to be a fucking... I want to be her. I want to be a chick like that. That's just fucking badass for...

40 years. I mean, she was in old as shit movies. Remember that Love Potion number... 9? Love Potion Notions 9? Okay. Okay. number nine love potion notions nine um okay uh yeah but it's christmas coming up and or no now i'm sorry to all day coming up all day christmas brought to you by oceans eight what if it was oceans fucking two and it was just uh fucking Bullock and Chelsea Handler walking around. It was Ocean.

It's one. Debbie Ocean. Sandra Bullock. But yeah, this is going to be a fucking lackadaisical episode, and I don't give a fuck, dude. This is what it is. Christmas, maybe you're... Hey, you know what you are? Are you in another room right now?

You listening? You're with your family. They're in the the other room and you're trying to fucking be cool and chill and you don't want to be with them but you're just listening to to this uh how about christmas stories and shit you know like they're so fucking whenever christmas stories are told you have to tell them like this. You can't just be like, you know, it was the night before Christmas, and all fucking came, and then all this shit happened, and the mouse, you couldn't even hear a mouse. Fucking barely this shit. All you could hear is this and that.

And Christmas came down, and this bullshit happened, and then fucking you heard the bell. You know? But you got to do it like this. My producer, Juan Fire pulled two Christmas stories and I figured I'd read one or two to you, but you know,

in the, first of all, commonly mistaken referred to as twas the night before Christmas. First of all, twas a sock. It was the night before Christmas, or how about just call it the night before Christmas calling it. It was the night before Christmas. Or how about just call it the night before Christmas? Calling it it was the night before Christmas,

twas, first of all, twas, dude? I mean, I know I talk in contractions as joke, but this shit is like some real cock-ass motherfucking British dude with like, that only wore brown and off-white and wrote with a feather and by like candlelight, you know, and one of those hats that came over like this. Dude, how about in old times when people would wear fucking hats with their pajamas?

The fuck? Why would you wear a hat with your pajamas you know i'm talking about the guy who with the fucking ball that comes over who wears a hat dude what if you were dating a guy and as you you're like good night and then you're like oh cool and you and you're like yeah spend the night and he's like let me just get my pjs and he got in first of all the fucking matching top and bottoms and then had the fucking hat that hung over. Dude, I want to do that. My next relationship, dude,

my next marriage, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to get the hat that flaps over and be like, good night, and then wear the hat to bed. That existed, you know? Wearing a hat to sleep, dude. What do you call that?

A night fucking... That's not what you call it. A nightcap? Right. It became known as the fucking drink. Would you like to adjourn to my room for a nightcap? You want me to put a hat on? No, I...

Never mind. Nightcap, dude. I like to keep my head warm when I'm sleeping. Dude, I think it'd be cool if you wore a nightcap, but you just wore a fucking Arizona Diamondbacks baseball hat.

D-backs. All right. So, yeah. So that's what he wrote. He wrote that fucking shit. And his name, it's called A Visit from St. Nicholas, which is what this story is actually called. By, here we go, dude. Turn your fucking British down a little bit.

Turn your British volume down. I don't give a fuck if this guy was American or not. He's British. Because his name is Clement Clark Moore. Clement? Is it Clement or Clement? They said it in between. One fire. He goes, Clement? Clement?

Um. Can you play music while I do it? What? For mood? Okay. Do it. You'll change it for something else? Oh, like when you play it? Oh, cool. Well, I don't need it for something else? Oh, like when you play it? Yeah. Oh, cool. Well, I don't need it for me then.

Fucking guy. He's trying to, you know, fucking do all the shit. You want music? Like, chill, dude. Just fucking make sure the headphones work, you know? The headphones weren't charged today, by the way. They weren't fucking charged today. He's got fucking one job, and he's like, you want some music?

I downloaded some shit. Fucking one fire. Dude, you want some fucking music? For you, and then i'll edit some in later what the fuck am i you know like i'm gonna be all overcome with the christmas spirit and just twas the night before christmas dude twas the night before christmas so here's what it is a visit from saint nicholas by clement clark cle Clement Clark Moore. Hey, three first names. Oh no, more I guess isn't. Um, twas the night before Christmas when all through the house, not

a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. What year was this written? I don't like how it rhymes already. It's stupid to make it rhyme. I don't like when you fit in it, when you gotta fit in some shit. Is this a limerick? The whole thing rhymes. When was it written? 1823, dude. Every song written,

or a story, not story, I guess this isn't a story, but to me it's a song because it rhymes. Every song written by 1823, that shit. Give a song fucking 100 years and and then you got to burn it. You can't listen to it anymore, you know? Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by chimney with care in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. Kind of basic, you know, and care with there. Like everything's so proper. Like not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. He was stirring. Stockings were hung. Like he didn't say the stock hung.

We had hung stockings, but the chimney with care. And then in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. Like it so loses its allure if you're just like, in hopes that St nicholas soon would be there instead of be there i don't like you know the children were nestled all snug in their beds it's creepy while visions of sugar plums dance in their head the fuck is a sugar plum what is a sugar plum and mama in kerchief and i in my cap that straight up is some shit kodak black would say my man her kerchief and i'm my cat oh so he's he's wearing his nightcap

had just settles our brain and settled our brains for a long winter's nap yo so he's was he they do sleep in their nightcaps. They sleep in their caps. That's so stupid. Also, this sucks, you know? This story fucking sucks. This fucking blows chunks, dude. Like, went out on the lawn, then there arose such a clatter.

And just say, arose a clatter. Such a clatter. I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Anyway, or away to the window I flew like a flash. Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. This sucks. Getting supervy right here. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow. This sucks. Getting supervy right here.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow. Like, couldn't help it, you know, it was such a purr of Clement. Clement Clark Moore was like, I gotta mention titties. I gotta fucking, I gotta reference titties a little bit. I'll talk about the moon's titties. Gave a luster of midday to objects below. Talking about his cock, you know. When what to my wondering eyes did appear,

but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer. A miniature sleigh. I mean, it was smaller than normal? Or because it was far away no because he's talking about it on top of his house maybe this guy just dropped acid and he's like

oh yeah it was small it's like that fucking the end of Mulholland Drive when the little old people come out of the fucking box David Lynch movie um and eight tiny reindeer. Why are they tiny?

That's weird. I thought they were all regular shits. It's far away? He's seeing it far away? There's too many extra words in this. Just say you saw the fucking sleigh and ate reindeer. They're not tiny.

They're just far away. With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment he must be Saint Nick. No, you knew now, dude. You can't know something. Oh, well, no, I guess you could. He's like, but he's telling us he knew. He was about to know in the moment. More rapid than eagles his

courses his coursers they came and he whistled and shouted and called them by name now dasher now dancer now prancer and vixen on comet on cupid on dom donner on blitzen fucking worst names ever. Dancer, you know? To the top of the porch. To the top of the wall. Little John. Now dash away, dash away, dash away all. This fucking sucks, dude. It's so long. It's fucking shitty, dude.

It's ended. And then he gave presents. And then I got presents. And then I took my nightcap off and woke up. Look at this. It's too fucking. It's a whole other bullshit page of rhyming. And then more.

Like, look how boring. As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly. When they meet with an obstacle. Mount to the sky. So up to the housetop the coursers they flew with the sleigh full of toys and saint nicholas too this sucks his eyes how they twinkled his dimpled how mare his dimples how merry i'm going the stump of a pipe he held I stopped describing him you

fucking what do you want to fuck him his belly so round his cock like a nub I couldn't believe it I wanted to give it a rub his red little nose I needed to warm it in my mouth I sucked on his nose. While I jerked his cock. Stop describing a fucking fat old guy. I gave it a tug. Played with his thighs. Turned out he liked it. I could see by his eyes.

His reindeers watched. In wonder. Then I fucking sat on the toilet. And I made him give me a blumpkin. I shit while Saint Nick sucked on my cock. Then he gave me presents in my mouth. So creepy. He's just watching some

old guy. The old guy doesn't even know it, dude. The old guy doesn't even know it, you know The old guy doesn't even know it, you know? And he's talking about animals. They were tiny. Tiny animals with a tiny sleigh. Made his cock look bigger. Yay! Look at this. He was chubby

and plump. How fucking fetishy is this shit? He was chubby and plump. I came on his feet I laughed a wink of his eye and a twist of his head right there sounds like he came on his face soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. What?

This is getting weird. He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work and filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk. I mean, that's actually how it goes. Like, uh, this sounds honestly like this story sounds like Santa came by, had work to do, and gave fucking Clement Clark Moore a nice quick fuck. And then was like, we're not mentioning this to anybody. And then finished it, giving presents to everybody else. What a, gave me presents. what a beautiful favor and then left really quick so he could fuck the next neighbor that's part of it no uh that fucking story sucks dude i don't lie you know what sucks

is like stories were cool when they were cool and then the times change and the styles change let's just all agree that story sucks donkey dick you know we have to act like it's all tradition dude my dad used to make us fucking listen to the polar express he used to fucking make us do it i was up up until I was like 20. He was like, well, we always do it. And it became a thing for him. He was like, I'd like to do it with you guys.

And I'd have to sit there with my fucking Abercrombie and Fitch jeans. Like I was an adult for fuck's sake. And I had to sit and watch fucking, uh, my dad read the, the polar express and he turned those big ass he'd turn those big-ass pages. Fuck those big pages, man. Make the pages as big as they need to fucking be.

How about when you're reading fucking, this is for the video, but when you're reading a fucking Polar Express and you're like, and he couldn't hear the bell, and it's one sentence, and then you're like, but the other kid could, and the train came in the station and then you're moving the fucking page like it's the fucking tarp when it rains at shea stadium um all right uh uh ad time babies square cash it mean, you know what the fuck Square Cash is? You fucking motherfuckers. Look, Cash App is the number one finance app in the App Store. Maybe it's because it's the best way to pay people back.

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Get Cash App today. Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. Have yourself a merry little Christmas. May your days be fucking bright. Nobody knows the next line of that, you know? Where's the other fucking story we had? That one was so bad. Visit from St. Nicholas.

And here we go. First of all, it's called A Christmas Hamper by Anonymous. here's the other thing too if you don't know who wrote it let's just that's it for that story you know i understand clement clark moore what he did was he fucking wrote a classic christmas song there's something to be said for that as much as i think it fucking blows donkey dicks, it's fucking good that he did that and he shaped the culture. Good job, dude.

He did it more than I'm doing it. I ain't shit compared to this motherfucker. But if we forget who wrote it, like, you know, that's the whole deal. Like, okay, he wrote it, so we got to give him credit. That's the guy who did that. If you don't know who wrote this fucking bullshit, don't have it on the internet. Look at how it began. I'm not just getting to the beginning.

A Christmas hamper, it's called. Worst title of all time. Would be so boring. It's about a hamper. The Christmas hamper, neat and trim, is full of sweet things to the brim. It's tales and rhymes and pictures bright. Will please you dear on Christmas night. That fucking sucks.

That fucking sucks. That's the beginning of it. And that's one eighth of it. That sucks. Hey, man, whoever wrote that, that's Kodak Black wrote that. That's the SoundCloud rappers now. SoundCloud rappers wrote a Christmas hamper. All right, yeah, let's do it. Let's do the Christmas.

We asked you guys on the Congratulations podcast Twitter some Christmas fucking questions to keep it Christmas-feud. questions to keep it Christmas themed, and yeah, this guy wrote Gus, at T Gust of Wind, he wrote, how about how we eat dinner at 2 p.m. on holidays,

whoops, it's not din time, that's funny dude, that's so that's weird it's weird because you wake up what is that i actually didn't know that that was a a thing that a lot of people did i don't know my family does it i guess i do know a lot of families that do that but like yeah we eat at four or some shit which is still too early what are we fucking 78 um but uh it's funny because like you know you don't you eat it fucks up your whole day you wake up uh you either wake up too early or too late on christmas you never wake up at like

nine you know you wake up at six because you're like oh i'm getting presents you wake up at 11 because you're like fuck this day i get I get to sleep in. Nine is nothing. Or 8, 30, you know? But eat dinner at 2 p.m. is funny, dude. Because you got to wake up and then you got to have like an egg or two or like a little bit of granola. Because you know you're going to fucking go to somebody's house. And you know they're cooking and you want to be hungry. I eat when I'm hungry.

That's what I do. You got to do that. When people go like this, when people say like this, when they're like, oh no, I don't want to eat because I'm eating later. That's unbelievable to me. That's unbelievable.

If food's in front of you and you're like, nah, I'm supposed to go to dinner later. You're hungry now, motherfucker. You could get hit by a car in 30 minutes. Eat when you're hungry. That's so weird to me, dude. If you want to eat now, eat now. Dude, that's a problem in the world, man.

You got to fucking do more what you want. I hate being inspirational, but this podcast, if we've got one underlying thing, do what the fuck you want when you want i i hate being inspirational but this podcast if we got if we've got one underlying thing do what the fuck you want when you want it dude uh it's so annoying people are like you know i used to be like that too because when i was a you know you listen to your parents no don't eat you're gonna fucking we're supposed to go out and you know we're having good food oh okay why can't i eat this fucking polio string cheese now you're gonna ruin your appetite no i'm not fucking this is my appetite i want it now it's what i want now i gotta wait because we're going to fucking whoever's house to eat fucking you know to to eat some shit like quiche.

I ate quiche like twice. You go to these holidays. How about you're eating fucked up shit today? You're definitely eating some fucked up shit that you never eat. Oh, what's this? Oh, it's a sausage fucking loaf. Huh? What's in it?

Sausage, breadcrumbs. And then What's in it? Sausage, breadcrumbs, and then there's jalapenos, and we pour coffee in it, and then also there's Fun Dip. It's sprinkled with Fun Dip. And the second you take a bite, you're going to want to evacuate

your bowels. Oh, cool. Merry Christmas. Let me taste it. Oh, my God. Let me taste it. Blah, Oh, cool. Merry Christmas. Let me taste it. Oh, my God. Let me taste it. Gotta go. You gotta eat it on the toilet. That's the thing about this fucking sausage loaf. So, anyway.

Go up. What was the other one okay favorite so Emily Dumas favorite Christmas film here's what that makes me think of by the way why does it do this favorite Christmas film and then under it translate from German Twitter hey Twitter get your

fucking shit together favorite Christmas film translate it from German what does it Hey, Twitter, get your fucking shit together. Favorite Christmas film. Translated from German. What does it say? Go ahead. Hit it. Unbelievable. It says favorite Christmas film, and then it says translate from German, and then you write then he hit it, and it

wrote could not translate tweet. Translated by Bing. Hey, Bing, get your fucking shit together the other day i tried to translate something that said something about my name on twitter from bing and it was something that was like in asian language i can't remember which one and then it was even more unintelligible i put on my instagram favorite christmas film i don't know man my dad loves watching black and white shit, dude. He loves watching It's a Wonderful Life.

He loves watching anything black and white, man. I'll get over a Christmas and he'll be like, I just like when it's on. And fucking Bing Crosby will be singing. I like when it's on in the background. You ever hear of this guy? And he'll be like, who's singing that? I don't know. You don't know who fucking Sudsy Wales is or some shit? Why do they have those bullshit names when they were younger?

Bing Crosby. Bing. Is that who's translating? Is that why he doesn't know? Bing? Bing Crosby. Fuck that. I'm Bing D'Elia from now on.

Fuck that. I'm Bing D'Elia from now on. Sudsy fucking Bobby. Yeah, you know who sings that song? Sudsy. Sudsy fucking Phillips. And he's like. What happened to that style?

Nobody sings like that anymore. Christmas time. Yippity-doo. Yippity-doodle-doo. Slippin' and fallin'. Christmas time. Bring the tree in. Yippity-bip-bip. How many times did they say

bip-bip-bip in fuckin' songs? In, like, the 30s. And my dad would be like, I just like it. It's not in the background. I do. It's Christmas. Fuck that. I can sing like that. I don't give a shit. That's good. Yeah, it's good. I do. It's Christmas. we never talk about cheer except for christmas time um favorite christmas film i don't know you know i would say what is a christmas film a christmas film is a film that takes place during christmas and makes you feel christmassy when you watch it but sometimes they play christ Christmas films in June on HBO, which is fucking weird as shit.

But they'll do it. Makes no sense. But I would say I... Oh, you know what my favorite Christmas movie is? Fucking, what's the one? Is it called Jingle All the Way with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad? That one. Look at the Tibber Man. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sinbad. That one. They're going to get the Turbo Man.

Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to get... Dude, Sinbad is fucking hilarious. He's trying to get Turbo Man. And Sinbad plays a mailman. And he's trying to get the Turbo Man. The last Turbo Man. And they fucking... Basically, it's like a fight to the death.

It's so funny, dude. That movie... I remember watching a movie and fucking laughing and i was watching it in june i also like die hard and here's the thing it bugs me when people ask if it's a christmas movie because it doesn't matter it doesn't matter that's the answer to that question on the it became a thing on the internet it's like one of those things that people like to talk about like oh how good is pizza? Is Die Hard a fucking Christmas movie? Here's the answer to that. It doesn't fucking matter.

It doesn't matter. You watch the fucking movie. You can watch a movie in March. And then also watch it in Christmas. And you can actually feel Christmassy. So, yeah, it's a Christmas movie if you're watching it at Christmas. If you're not watching it at Christmas, it's not a Christmas movie. But Die Hard is one of my favorite action movies

of all time. I mean, it might be number one. It might be number one. It's great. I love it. It's so good. Bruce Willis is a great action hero. He's a great action hero. He's also a good actor, but he's a great action hero because

look, I love the rock more than the uh just as much as the next guy and i love i love jason statham i'm a big fan of both of those guys i love those guys but there's something about the fucking bruce willis generation where he was like that he was like fit but he wasn't. I like fucking when action movie stars are not the biggest guys in the movies. Because it's more relatable and it's just cooler to me. Keanu Reeves in Speed was a great one. It was great casting. I love that movie.

But he was just like a guy and fit and cool and definitely an alpha. And you believed him with a gun. But he wasn't like this hulking guy who fucking deadlifts 8,000 you know and that's what the rock is and that's fine and that's what sylvester stallone was too and arnold schwarzenegger of course but those guys who like uh in the 80s and 90s like uh like uh kurt russell was a great one to me fucking To me. Fucking, just not overly buff. Yeah. Chuck Norris. It was ridiculous, but that one, you know.

I mean, it's different when they know, like, martial arts, because that's more about that. Like, the martial arts films, like, they don't really make those anymore. They make them, but they're not, like, big hits. Like, Iason table kind of like that but not really but like even like they don't like uh what's his name uh um was that one that did the movie owen wilson jackie chan like that those those movies don't really exist anymore do they like jet lee and shit they don't really make those anymore that are like they're not big hits you know um yeah best present i've ever given best present you've ever received by at beasley kelly uh i don't fucking know worst gift i ever gave was my gave my dad an audiobook once because i didn't know what to give him. It was like some bullshit. I just knew he liked audio books.

So I just picked one out. Um, we used to have to wait at the top of the stairs to, uh, I used to, um, I used to have to wait at the top of the stairs with my brother, get ready. Cause he was smaller and shit. And he'd be like, wait for your brother. We're walking down to see the gifts under the tree. Let Santa brought at the top of the stairs for my brother to get ready because he was smaller and shit. And he'd be like, wait for your brother. We're walking down to see the gifts under the tree, what Santa brought at the same time. And then Matt used to have a head start.

And then there's one video that we have from like VHS. And we're like, Matt's walking through the doorway. And I walk past him and I bump him and he hits his head on the side of the door. And fucking, it's so funny because he doesn't stop smiling because he's looking at the presents. We always fucking talk about that every christmas when i fucking zipped past matt when i zip zip zip past matt and i fucking bumped his head into the doorway and he and he literally just went because he was looking at the presents he was looking at the fucking thundercats layer that we got or whatever the fuck um best gift i ever got how annoying is it when when people are like best gift i ever got my family oh really we're talking about fucking shit that costs stuff

uh best gift i ever got i don't know i don't know. I don't know. I always feel like the best gifts are the gifts that you don't, that you wouldn't get, you wouldn't buy yourself. And you don't necessarily need it. But somebody gets it for you and is like, oh, it's cool I have that now because I would never buy that but it's fucking, it adds to my life.

Like, I don't know what is like that but like, like, like, like a fucking, I don't know. Like a, like a, like a fucking i don't know like a like a like uh i guess thoughtful gifts are really good though like fucking oh like i love fucking shoes if somebody got me like a fucking uh shoe fucking rack or some shit, you know? That'd be a good gift for me.

Or like, I mean, I already have all that shit, but I'm just saying like, I don't know. It's hard to get gifts, man. Or when people say, what do you get the guy who has everything, you know? You have to fucking think. You got to think, dude. A sundial.

I make everybody a sundial. I make my gifts. Framed stuff is a good gift always, but then you got to go to the store and do it, and it's an errand. It's like I just want to order shit online from Amazon. I'm good. I pretty much got all my gift-giving stuff out of the way, gift-shopping stuff out of the way. It is Christmas, so I usually do it after christmas i get i wrap them up and i put them in pictures and i fucking uh and i say that's what you're getting in in three days you'll get that it'll

be here by the 28th and then it doesn't come and then it comes after new year's and then i forget to give it to them the next time i see them and then they get it by February 2nd here it is and it's like stale cookies are they they were fresh on Christmas um what another question uh when you get a present you just like do you pretend to like it or make fun of it immediately Brandon at Brandon uh wow that I I I it depends on the relationship if it's somebody I don't really know I I go, oh, cool. Oh, nice. Yeah. Oh, that's fucking, that's a good gift.

Nice. Thank you, man. But if it's somebody I know, I'm like, the fuck am I going to use this for, dude? And I fucking pull down my pants and I rub my cock all over it. Whatever. Whatever. What if Clement Clark Moore had a Twitter how fucking cock would it be you know be all rhyming and shit

alright I don't know this can be a short episode you gotta go be with your family anyway but I appreciate you guys listening on Christmas and if you need to get gifts for somebody still go on the fucking website crystalia.com go to the store and get them some fucking baby shit uh here's another

thing about christmas eggnog fucking sucks never tasted it won't ever taste it no it sucks catch you later oh it's creamy catch you you later. Oh, egg? Hey, what's grosser than drinking something with the word egg in it? Something with the word nog in it? Egg nog? There's also one of those words where you can't help but add a third syllable even though it's not there. Egg-a-nog. It's like you've become completely fucking Japanese.

Hey, what are you guys drinking?inog um all right square cash have you switched yet you motherfuckers you gotta switch download the free square cash app design your cash card and get it for ios or android now do it dude thanks for listening to the christmas episode we hope your day has been filled with lots of cheers and uh to all the babies out there we hope you have a wonderful christmas and um the next episode who knows when it's gonna be pretty in a week in about a week because mondays are hitting holidays and we gotta fucking bank these episodes man but uh we we we we appreciate you listening and uh you guys are the best dude um some of you i'm sure a lot of fucking killers listen to this uh there's we get a lot of downloads and listens to this definitely somebody who's killed somebody

listens to this and if you have killed somebody you know who you are if you're listening and i want you to tell i want to tell you don't fucking do that again. Do not kill anybody again. And don't fucking, don't do sexual assault, and don't do fucking property damage. Don't do those things. Don't do those things. Don't do noise pollution. Fucking chill. You know who you are if you've done noise pollution.

You know who you are if you've done noise pollution. All right, guys. Rate and review the show. You know what you to get another solution. All right, guys. Rate and review the show. You know what you can do, dude? For my Christmas, for my present, you can rate and review the show. That's what you can do. Would really appreciate that. Thank you, my babies.

You guys are awesome. Talk to you later. See you. And remember, eggnog fucking sucks. And remember, eggnog fucking sucks. And remember... This is motherfucking five years ago, motherfucker. Motherfucker right here. The motherfucking child of motherfuckers.