Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 484. Wild For The Night

Episode Date: January 8, 2026

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Runk Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we always would just pick a time. Hey, aye, how's it going? What's up? This is the new episode of Congratulations. Congratulations. Congratulations.

Hey guys, it's episode umpti umthine. I don't know, dude, because that's not important. What is important is, uh, no matter what I've had three different outfits on today because I went to the gym. I took my son to school. I did all sorts of things. Uh, and they've all been the exact same color. And that is the color you see before you're. eyes. And the color you see before your eyes is also my skin tone. And the color you see before your

eyes is my pants and my shirt and my socks. And I didn't mean to do it. So what? I didn't mean to do it. And I did it. And it's all good. But I will say this. What I will say is, wait. Oh, oh good. Oh, good. Chat. GBT's open. My mom. I was using it. So it's all about crafts and stuff. Thank you to legend social casino and sports book for sponsoring this episode. We love you. You're awesome. Uh, the holiday break. Well, I talked about it a little bit. Well, no, you know what I want to talk about now? First of all, look, let me just love it with you. I'm so tired. And I'll tell you why. Okay. I'll tell you why I'm so tired. I woke, ever since Christmas, I've been

not getting sleepy yes dude i've been not getting good sleep at all yes yes yes oh for all yes um because i wake and here's why i think okay god there's so much to really just so much to cover it on today's episode uh first of all i have obsessive compulsive disorder yes dude yes now the uh prozac helps amazing it helps so much i didn't even I didn't realize it until, like, two years in, and I go, wait a minute, I have a lot less obsessive thoughts. If I don't take the Prozac, I can't go anywhere. I just have to basically be where I am. Don't ask me to go anywhere.

I don't want to leave the house. I am very trapped in my own mind, as they say. and prozac helped before that I took something like as a talapram it's something i can't remember whatever it did it it kind of worked a little bit but not really and they have the poop out effect whatever they call that's what at least my psychiatrist said that's what it's called is it uh it poops out after like a decade it doesn't work anymore and i don't go dude i think i have that and then i get the prozac and i go now i can go places but anyway I'm crazy person

but so I have this OCD I used to be insecure about it I'm not insecure about it really anymore I have this podcast

I started to be open about it during this podcast and since then a lot of people have come up to me who have OCD and they have shared their experience and they've told me that it has helped them because I talk about it. And I didn't even, I didn't even think about that. I mean, I think I probably, if you asked me, I would have known that that could have

happened, but I just, I just talk about what I want to talk about. And my OCD probably started talking about my OCD once because I had nothing else to talk about. And since it's helped people, yay. We love that. 2006 is going to be a positive year. now since i have that it takes control in all sorts of different ways yes dude it's it's taken form and it's rearedest ugly head in all sorts of different ways yes dude ever since i was like um well it started

when I was 12, and then when I turned 22, rindadda-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-wwwwild for the night. Wask being polite. That's if OCD was in a club, you know what I'm saying, but it was just like party time for the OCD. Rind-da-da-da-da-n-n-d-l.

Wild for the night. Woffk being polite. That's the radio version. Power 106, Power 106. Wild for the night. Ofk. polite. Parapur, par, par, 106.

Get your head out your ass, playboy. Anyway, dude, A-Sap, Rocky. Shot someone. Um, so, uh, ring-a-g-g-g-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-tall. Uh,

shot someone. Everyone forgot about it. Ring-gig-gig-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-------------------------------------------. So anyway, killed someone, but I, um, a musical podcast. So, uh, what was I even talking about? So, uh, I, it has to be something. When I was 12 years old, it was about something. Thought I was going to be dying.

Oh, good. Thought because I left this nappletop face down in the trash can, driving back to Burbank. That was going to die, can't. had to go back to the house, put the other way, cure my cancer, okay? Now, that sucks, okay? Now, I, I never forgot that because in actuality,

I never went back to go put the snap-a-top the other way because but I go, okay, if I get cancer, then that's it, then OCD does work and I should have known better. But now, when I turned 22, it turned into just this mess of really feeling insecure and stuff. But when I got to 30, it turned to, hey, what the heck? Let's get my tip wet. Rinkagagagooke, gill, wild for the night off being polite. if you know what I mean and you do

and wow I feel like the guy from Police Academy had a podcast it would be this podcast but anyway but I just do it badly so so I so that's what it became

it became let's off everybody now that's i'm i'm look i'm 45 and i'll tell you this much dude obviously you know recovery and uh i went to rehab dude and then i went to uh i get meetings and all i say you know look now i go okay maybe it's because i'm 45 i'm tampered down a little bit but i'm not really

Rankagagankan, ranka gankan, ranka ganko, you know, I'm more like, you know what I'm saying? So do I, how do I say this without getting demonetized? Do I meterbate? No. I don't really meterbate that much, dude. And I'm being honest with you, okay? I meterbate for one reason. That's to get my restless legs to go just to just chill out so I can get some sleep.

Look, I'm getting lost in the weeds here, and whatever. I'm talking about my OCD. So I started, and I've, look, and I hate when people say this, but my fitness journey has been up and down. It's been years of on and years of off. I've been super top-notch, shredded, and I've also been just regular kind of almost dad bod, right? Not almost dad-bod, dad-baud.

And... Yeah, now I'm super over the top. Shredded and it's fine, but it's like in the morning. Forget it. When I wake up and I look in the mirror, I go and I take a picture and I upload it into my workout progress album. So I do that. And every time I shower, then I weigh myself again and I'm one pound lighter. It's like, what is it?

I don't have that much dirt on me. but um so so what i do is i go to uh i i i started my really really go i like oh chat chibb comes chabit comes out oh well let me just talk to them about what how i can lose fat and get now oh look i got you know good shape and all that stuff so here's the deal dude i say hey my my wife says, what do you want for Christmas? And I say, babe, I'm a guy. Please get me nothing. Get me a Garmin. That's what I said. Get me a Garmin watch. But I said the nothing part first because I really didn't want anything. And then I forgot I wanted the Garmin. And then so I said Garmin. And she said, which one? And I said, this one sent her a link. And that was December 10th. And then December 22nd,

she said, send me the link to the Garmin you want. And I did. And it came the next day. And that's Christmas, dude. That is so Christmas now, dude. It's beautiful to order your stuff two days before. Wild for the night. Oh, being polite. Brankagicagga cacao. Prankycagagga cacao. Uh, anyway. So, gosh, I'm annoying, huh? Just I really, really am. I mean, I really am. I really I'm going to get back to this story but last night I was watching TV this new show who knows

you know hey Netflix dude just come out with shows and just call them all who knows just different images on the thumbnail of different actors but it's all in different font

who knows because dude I don't honestly I don't give a rat fuck what I'm watching anymore I don't care I'm not even watch hey Netflix congratulations I don't even really watch it anymore

it's just on so call it you know who cares and then so there you go and it's so some who cares is on and it's some foreign thing and I think it takes place in like Barcelona

Spanish people got to stop doing that fucking TH with the S sound, dude. It's just, you sound like you have a lisp, all right? And, uh, so, want to take a ride in my, in my Chevy? And so,

so I'm watching the show that takes place in Barcelona, probably, and it's called Who Cares? And this guy's got a beard in it. And he's just like, he's one of those guys that is like, you know, he's an unorthodox cop. And he, and somehow they're like, we can't have him on the force anymore, but he's, you know, and they're like, oh, yeah, he's gotten written up about 11 times. And he's like, yeah, but you need me. For some reason,

he's the only guy who could just, like, do it. Like, he goes into a room and he's just like, I got a suspect. And anyway, he also, like his nephew committed sluercide and there's a whole backstory that's in sepia. You know, it's who cares? It's the show, who cares? And it's not bad, you know? just but what am i watching boom right and you're just okay and it's on and you're just kind of looking around you're on your phone

and Kristen's making an arts and crafts tree in the corner and uh what's that for babe I'm a crazy person oh cool so uh I'm watching the show

and this this show keeps cutting back to and i don't and i don't and and and and too many shows are doing this nowadays okay there's a show and it's a a cop and a cat and mouse kind of thing and they cut to a tv so it's the show you're watching cut to a tv and there's a news brief okay uh i don't i understand Okay, it doesn't bother me at base, but too many shows have been doing it. Now, when I'm watching a TV on a TV, just put the fucking news brief up. I don't need to see that it's in a room and a, you know, so they go, uh, so, and they keep cutting to, I mean, I've probably seen three, four episodes. I think maybe four or five times, they said.

And, you know, we got footage that's very, very sensitive on the news brief. they're like, and so it'll be shocking to viewers, so please, only watch with discretion and, you know, discretion, viewers, discretion advised. And then it will cut to the footage. And every time it cuts to the footage, I go, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, Jerry. And, and Kristen laughed the first two times. and I think it because I think it would be funny is if the news brief said

this is going to be horrible for your eyes if you want to turn away here's your warning viewer discretion of eyes and then they just start playing Seinfeld I think that's funny and and you know I don't really think anybody would either disagree with that or if they did, they wouldn't really die on that hill. They'd be like, okay, fine, it's funny. Anyway, what do you want to eat? Right? Like, nobody would be like, okay, that's not funny.

Like, it's just, it is what it is. It's just one of those things, you know? I mean, if I'm sure if I put it on Twitter, people will be like, fuck you, this sucks. But anyway, here's some facts about Tim Walts. But, um, uh, so anyway,

I did that 10 times. and it was you know to her it wasn't funny after the I just kept doing I don't give a fuck I'll keep doing it so anyway that's a hey a showcase of my humor but maybe my OCD you know and and it's probably what's gotten me a lot of laughs

you know it's like you know Calvin's like sometimes I'm scared I'm like it's because you're creative it's a blessing and a curse it's you know daddy was so scared when he was younger and that's why now he also is super creative and it's creative and that's why he makes everybody laugh

and so it's a blessing and a curse so you take the good with the bad and he goes, what? And I go, go to bed and it's the golden moment. Triumph on the podium, golden hand. But with Coronacero, golden moments go beyond the Winter Olympics. They're enjoying sunsets,

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So, so I get a garment for Christmas. You know what this podcast is like? choose your own adventure except you have someone choosing your own adventure it's me i'm choosing and right now we're going back to the garment and i and christmas comes and i open up the gift and it's a garment dude what what the heck it's this one it's the instinct e it's the garmin instinct e it's the Garmin instinct e you know they named it that so so I I go huh I look at it I go this is the one I wanted she goes yeah Merry Christmas and I go awesome so I put it on and I say is this water resistant and I look it up and it is you could swim you could swim you could

swim with it on and I go whoa well that means I could keep it on the shower right and you can you can I look up that specifically and then I go well fuck man I guess I ain't taking it off and my OCD goes yeah my OCD goes like looks it's like the end of the movie and the OCD looks it's like the end of the movie and the OCD looks back at the Garmin at the end of the movie giving him a proud look like you really did it here's my OCD

to Garmin yeah right and so it's been on the motherfucker's been on dude and so since Christmas, every night I go to bed, one thing

the garment does is tracks your sleep. Now, did it do it right the first night? No. Did it do it right the second night? No. And why is that? Well, because, right? And that's either the end of the sentence after the word because, or the end of the sentence is because things never worked the first and second time. Right? Okay. So now, December 27th, I go in and I look, I Google it, and it's all right. Okay, so I got to turn on the pulse oxymeter or whatever the hell it's called. So I turn it on the next night, it tracks it.

Now, I sleep eight hours, but it tracks six incorrect. And I look, it says I didn't get good sleep, but it feels like I did. So I go, hmm, no, no, no, it didn't. First, it didn't, it said I didn't have good sleep and didn't feel like I had good sleep. And so I go, that's bullshit. So now I go, hey, babe, what meds you got for sleeping? I want to get my Garmin dialed the fuck in with my sleep schedule. So I take the Trasidone the next night, conk out for nine hours, wake up, feel fucking

amazing, okay? But the Garmin only logs four hours. And it says I didn't sleep well. And I go, well, man, shit. That doesn't feel right. I'm super groggy, dude, you know? And I'm like, I slept really well. I go, I do a leg day.

I fucking eat this leg day, bro. I mean, I eat it. I go, oh, I'm not, I work out my legs. I go, oh, I'm not working out my legs for another two weeks. Yeah, right. Did it a fucking six days later. But still, while I was working on, I go, oh, dude, I'm not doing this for at least another month and a half. Yeah, right.

Did it five days later and went harder. Yeah, dude. Oh, are you kidding me? The hack squat, too? Mm, probably won't even work out my legs until late April. April. Yeah, right. Came back in four days and absolutely fucking crouched it out. You know? But anyway, the Garmin didn't log it. So I go, well, fuck that, dude. Now it's December 28th. And I go, that's bullshit. And I say, maybe, just maybe, you have to get a few nights of it

logged so it really knows your heart rate and your movement and how you sleep and your patterns and I go my OCD goes like this yeah you really did it you figured it out like that detective in who cares oh they got to keep him on the force why because he goes into a room and and makes us sniff his nose goes And then comes up with a suspect. And 95% of the time it's right. So I'm like, all right. I'm going to go to sleep again the next night.

I can't wait. Now I'm like, I don't even like to go to sleep early. But I got my garment and I'm like, I'm going to fucking show what's, show his garment, what's up, dude? And I go like, fuck it. And sleep for the night. Fuck being awake.

Rimped it in that day. That's how I am now. Sleep for the night, fuck, being awake. Rimba-m-b-b-b-b-b-b-bram-b-b-bram-b-b-bram-b-bram-bram-bram-b-bram-brown. So now I wake up the next day, the 29th. Whoopsie-Daisy, it logs three hours of sleep. I'm pissed, okay? Because it feels like I didn't sleep well.

Then the next day I go, well, what the fuck, dude? Better get to sleep. And I'm like, I got to get to sleep. I'm like, oh, man, I'm excited to sleep. And what happens when you're excited to sleep? You don't sleep. So then I'm like, well, shit.

Let me take a trazodone. So I take another trazodon the second night. And then I'm still too excited. My legs are moving. They're restless. So I go to fucking splurt city so I can at least relax. And then I finally fall to sleep and then wake up. And I didn't sleep well.

So I'm like, fuck. dude last night i go all right man it's make a break time i got this garment on i really wanted to track my seat my sleep i did leg day again and i want them to grow sleep is a like the number two thing that you need to grow muscles and i go what the fuck dude come on body let's conk out I can't fall asleep. I finally fall asleep at one. And I wake up at five, dude. And I go, no, no, no, no, no.

Go turn the heat off, dude. I go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Nobody, no. No. So I try to really fall asleep again. It's six now. And I'm awake. I've been awake for a night.

hour and I go man I usually can force my body back to sleep like I'm James Bond lowering his heart rate in the hospital to make his enemies think that he's dead and so they dispose of his body but then he really kicks the shit at everybody an hour later so I'm like okay uh six I'm gonna still go to bed but now I'm like oh I take Calvin to school at 730 or no sorry eight so maybe I should get up go to the gym show these early board mother early bird motherfuckers what's up dude wasn't he in here doing like that what the fuck yeah he's like i think i think i think it's gonna work the late april yeah right what the fuck squats again and the heck squat me just working the fuck out one song in my air pods you know what it is i'm not gonna do it again

No, two songs in my AirPods. Fucking wild for the night. And then the next one. God, would there be a worse song to work out, too? Bannle-de-da-ba-da-bum-bum-pum-pum-triced-chreisepfucking extension. Jerry! Oh, fuck. I can't wait for a while for the night to come back on.

Uh, so I'm like, all right. I'm gonna, I'm going to, uh, I'm going to, uh, just try to give it a little bit more asleep at six 30 finally coming wrong i'm like all right what do you want for me what do you want for me me me i'm up so i get up take a friggin shower get dressed it's fucking six do i don't do this it's still dark outside it you know what time it is the time they caught bin laden whatever time of day that was for me i'm just like what's going to why is everything green um do you ever see the fucking oh dark is it called o dark 30 that that movie and zero dark 30 and dude and uh jessica chastain in that movie jessica chastain dream girl

my wife is my dream girl but after that dream believer and uh hmm whatever whatever add that to the fucking workout mix the monkeys the Seinfeld theme song and murderer Aesop Rocky and my favorite murderer

by the way right behind OJ and so now uh um you know oh dark 30 my fucking Kristen watched

zero dark 30 the other day and I was just like Dude, she'll, she's like me in a way. She just watched the fucking war movie and then watched a documentary and then watch another documentary. I'm like, dude, if you watch another documentary, our kids are going to grow up and be dictators.

Can we just, they're five and two, dude. They don't need to be listening to stuff. And that was when the second plane hit. I just turned and... And so... Um... So, uh, I go, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I am, anyway, dude, it's fucking, it was five when I woke up, and it's five now, 12 hours later. And my, my, my brethren, dude, I am so tired, dude.

And, and, and, and, and that's, you know what, dude. this story is over. It's like a Saturday Night Live skit. It's mildly kind of funny and then it just stops. There's no ending. Fuck you. But that's it.

That's the story. And my whole thing is, no, this is the reason why. Just go back like Pub Fiction. So I think what I've come up with because of this is the reason why I can't sleep is because of my garment

so basically what I'm saying is I can't dude I was going to sleep last night I was like while I was going to sleep I go I can't fucking wait to wake up tomorrow and do my workout and I'm going to eat right and I'm going to fucking do it

I'm just going to look fantastic. I'm going to fucking... I mean, I'm going to look for fantastic. And because of that, I go, I don't want to sleep on me again. I can't go out to sleep on again. By the way, didn't track my sleep again. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with it.

I turned it on sleep mode. Here's where all the comments. You got to do it. I turn it on sleep mode. I turn a pulse exhumitor on. I turned it all. I did it all, dude. I even tried manual sleep.

um and so anyway uh so i my oCD has to click in some way dude it's like i can't just be some guy dude i've got to be like like literally because i'm not you know just what's wrong with me dude you know i i i get that it's like why can't i just fucking like i don't i see sometimes i see you know one of my kids just be like look for approval you know and i go i don't don't do that fuck everyone no come i thank you i am i egotistically it's very sweet that you're looking at me for approval like i always thought it was cool when you make when when you're in a group and somebody not you well you if you're in my group but not me if somebody besides me makes everyone in the group laugh if they look at me first to see if they got me that's how you can tell if they

think you're the funniest in the room if they make the group laugh and their eyes immediately go to you to check to see if you're laughing they whatever they look at first that's who they respect the most their their opinion comedically and uh so i'm watching when motherfuckers make people laugh i look at the joke teller and i go yeah you're looking at me okay like i'm denzil Mm-hmm. Yeah. All right. Ha-ha-ha. You're looking at me. He respects me. So, you know, it is what it is.

But that's, look, that's what's been going on in my life. What if this, what I did, this monologue, it's been 30 minutes. What if this was my Comedy Central Presents? And it just kept cut and did commercials and shit in the middle of it. And it would come back. But I was on stage and, like, no one was, everyone was kind of like last, like, I left hard once when I kept doing the Seinfeld thing. But then it, like, tapered off and then it just turned, it got weird.

And then like half the audience left. Fuck you anyway, dude. You know? That's the thing. You got to be confident within yourself, God. But that's what it is. And that's, uh, that's how we do it. Legends, I want to take a break and talk about legends.

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Take advantage of the 100% match on your first purchase up to $100 and make sure to use code. Congrats when you sign up. Thank you. What's up with Maduro? Guy got all fucking arrested.

You know, here's, what's up, Venezuela? I don't know. You know, I saw a clip of my podcast a long time ago and I, and that came out a long time ago. And I'm like, oh, dude,

I was really not, uh, I was really talking about nothing. And I got to stay doing that. And so far this episode, I have, dude. And I don't like all these fucking podcasts that come on with guests and opinions about what's going on in the world. And, oh, here's what happened this week. Hey, look, and listen to me clearly.

I'll write a letter. Fuck you, those podcasts. And fuck you if you listen to them. that's fine listen to them if you want to i get it you got to busy your ears up your job is fucking boring but my god dude i don't give it you know what i don't i don't even know but somebody told me what happened to venezuela on a text dude in the group chat that's how i found out and i go what happened oh they bombed the shit out of them and they go how come and then they and then i fucking didn't read the response now i know why

at this point. Okay? And I understand it is an incendiary issue. It is a, it splits people. And I understand that. And as it should, dude, it's war, right? Sometimes you need to go to war. Sometimes you definitely don't need to go to war. And you know what? I'm not going to, I don't know. But because I don't really know the issue. So, so I don't know, I know the issue. I don't know the issue. I don't know the ins and outs of the issue. But my point is a decision like, that is going to split everyone and you know i mean you can't even go on the fucking internet and say hey zendaya was good in that movie without getting death threats so you know it's become everything's become political right even zendaya and god zendaya i remember the first time i saw

zendaya she had the stupidest fucking hat on and i will never think of zendaya in in any i just always think of her with that hat on and it's like you know what they say first impression is the most important impression what they say first impression is most what the fuck do they say dude i don't know i never know quotes but you know what i'm you know the incentive anyway i'm fucking knees deep in the book the exorcist i got to the part where her head fucking turned around and she's doing the thing with the cross you know what thing and i'm not talking Right. It's a little much. And in 1963 or whatever the book came out, the people must have just, honestly, people must have died reading it. They just go, huh, what's this? Wait, what? Huh? Huh? What's this? out of your butthole

out of your pothole out of your peeble out of your peehole Jerry no no but fucking you know now but listen to the other podcast where they fucking talk about

what happened with the fucking you know so I'm just like so i'm just like you know reading it and it's not scary dude i don't get scared from books bro my mind is way scarier than books you fucking amateurs and i know you're a professional writer but you i read rosemary's baby i read the fucking um exorcist i'm going to read carry next i'll keep reading scary books and you you fucking amateurs bro i'm going to write a book It's not so much going to be scary,

but it's going to be so insane and y'all could go fuck yourself, man. I'm write the illest book. You know what I'm going to write it? I'm never going to fucking release it. I'll prove to you that it's about the journey. I wrote a bestseller. Oh, where is it? I didn't release it.

How do you know it's about, but I didn't release it? journey. Well, you said it's a bestseller. It's about journey. I set out to write a bestseller. I wrote a bestseller. You don't get to read it. Why he was driving away? He always says something and drives away. Um, hey, you know, every day and then my algorithm is just like, try this. And I'm like, I don't I don't want that I listen to you know you know the overstimulation thing I was talking about

an episode or two ago I put the clip up on congratulations Instagram the podcast Instagram where I was talking about how women always say everything is overstimulated and shit and that's not a thing really just you are at the supermarket and it's

and you're listening to a podcast and um and uh so i am how sorry did i go to tell what yeah of horse stimulation oh and then uh every video i got was a was a woman saying she's overstimulated

how my husband acts when i'm overstimulated how's my thing that bro i had to not comment on those motherfuckers but Jesus um wait hold on what's this how come some oh wait oh there it is

okay I don't know what the quiff asking my Hispanic husband if he knows what the meaning of random English words are queef Siri what is Squeez.

Oye, Citi. You? What's that mean in English? Squiffis. Oh, I'm broke. Esquiffis. This is... Esquiffis sounds like a children's show.

Oh, she's wheezing. Let me search in Google. No, it's queef. Not squeeafy. I don't even know. quiff no no no quiff a quiff what that mean quiff deaf became deaf what that mean quiff what's that mean quiff what sign to syri the sign for quiff oh do hey you know what hey hey hey you know what

dude just speak spanish i don't i don't get we're done here i don't give a fuck hey dude good no and beautiful and your culture is beautiful and yes yeah yeah fuck yeah equality you're just as good as me just speak spanish man why is he always driving away he said it's squeefy a portion of iretrowde bagna is this guy fucking kidding me what that means it's um pedo for the front yeah it's a far bagina yeah oh shit a far bagina is that far bagina imagine if this guy was a lawyer or something your honor he could not have been her because she would have left a pork in the vagina so

It didn't stink like a fish or nothing. It wrecks my case. That floor is yours. Your penis. Your penis. Your penis. Your penis, Your honor. Did you know that was a thing?

Do you have a fire bungee eyes? Do you have a fire bungee eyes? Do you have a farbogenes? Do you have a farbogonize? Do you have a farbogynice? I would be like, Spanish is the sexiest language, and then I try to speak English. Do you have a farabuginas?

Guy killed it, dude. We love it. Just speak Spanish. Don't know. Hey, dude, you're not ready. You're not ready for the world. Right? If a baby comes out, you don't sit it at the dinner table.

You've got to do a whole bunch of other things first, right? Parabagina Parabagina The guy's face dude Wow I loving it Oh dude did you see this

I saw this The guy with the two guys Yeah it's so great It's so great how it's not 2020 anymore Because this guy would get fired immediately He would get fired 2020 We would get fired immediately

This guy who This is the guy in Sports Center What's his name? Scott Van Piers who secretly, if you look at him, looks just like Matthew Perry. I said it, dude. I said it. Yeah, no.

And you guys are all thinking, no, uh, uh, are you guys watching. Look at him. Look at him. Use your fucking eyes. Okay, those were two guys kissing. Dude, remember how funny that fucking cadence was in the year 2000? In the year 2000. Remember that Conan bit?

Holy shit, that was so funny, dude. But, yeah, Matthew Perry, that shit was so funny. That cadence was so funny. Yo, here's my friend's journey, okay? I watch friends, I go, holy shit, the show is so funny. I go, Matthew Perry is the funniest guy on TV I ever seen. Then I go, wait a minute.

It's actually David Schwimmer. And then years later, I go, oh it's matt leblanc right you go you you you're a beginner in this world and you go oh it's matthew perry it's hilarious and he is he is you don't take anything from him as you grow you go oh it is matthew perry and you believe it and it's true for you and then you go David Schwimmers just his physicality the way he can

take you through something sad and then break the tension and then you go but then you grow up and you say the simplicity of Matt LeBlanc and the humor

of Matt LeBlanc in that show you go this is that hero dreams of sushi what's that hero dreams of shiro

Giro dreams of sushi this is what it is it's tuna and rice but you go on a wait list that's what because it's just very simple Matt LeBlanc is the

Giro sushi of friends it's just beautiful the guy's so i mean bro i could watch things are dated i could still watch friends and matt leblanc makes me fucking laugh dude and you know the other guys were funny too but it was more like matthew perry the way he was funny in a guy he was so funny but he was like a bone thugs in harmony like he was like perfect for the time bam 200 came out the year 2000 and could you be any more annoying? People go, like somebody dunked a basketball.

Anyway, you know, I digress. But this fucking guy, Scott Fannie Pack, really looks like Matt LeBlanc, if you look at him. Yeah, live makeouts on Sports Center. So great, because it's so how everybody feel, all due to watch sports feel. And then he covers it, dude. Get into it.

Oh, what do we, what do we got? We got... Oh, what do we got? Oh, fucking fruit cake for Christmas. You can... It's a great gift. Fruitcake is a great gift for Christmas. Anyway, have a gay old time.

Fuck, have a gay old time. Nah, and there's nothing wrong with it. Anyway, we'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be right back. Just too much hand movement. Planes are crashing. did he understand the signal

I thought it was land God, dude I fucking God damn it they got me, they got me I'm gay now good thing I wasn't horny and thinking of a woman and then saw that

or I would have become gay fuck yeah all right anyway we'll be right back after this but was a commercial oh

oh dude um I used to think that's how you become gay is you see some like chip with a beautiful you know hourglass figure and you go hell yeah

and then you bump into a dude you bump into a dude you know and I thought that when I was 11 okay I did okay um And that's not how it works.

You know. Somebody said something to the other day. You know, every episode, you talk about gay shit. And I, you know what, dude. I certainly do. And, and, and, and, and that's just, fucking funny to me man god to have to

fuck another guy and love it it's crazy to have to do that and be into it it's crazy dude what's what you do man what the fuck are you doing dude

dude I'm having a good time I bet you know what I'm thinking of I wonder how many fucking calories I burned while doing this podcast Oh I did San Antonio Dude San Antonio I did a new year Oh let go go to my dates dude

I fucking didn't plug him I stopped I forgot Oh I got all new day I just added Miami I got Denver I got St. Louis I got go to chris lea dot com but i got a bunch of different dates um my go for a tour chattanooga you're up and then north carolina europe and then not europe you are up and that's okay uh sorry guys if you're if you're from london you're like oh he's coming in fucking europe oh fuck now he meant you're up he's going to fucking chanel anyway and so um yeah west niac i'm adding show there

i'm having a show in uh milwaukee Um, so I'm going to do that. So go to Krista.com. I'm going to look at this highlight reel for Roller Derby, because how is two things kind of strike me with Roller Derby? How does Roller Derby, how did it ever exist? and then the second thing I think of is how does it not exist anymore?

Like, this is so something that would exist in 20206, don't tell me it doesn't. Don't tell me it wouldn't. Be televised? Just people fucking barreling into each other? Also, what are the rules? Does anybody know the rules of roller derby?

Or do they just go, okay, put on your skates, there's a fucking circle, go. fuck each other up go yeah you be the devils and you be the outlaws go fuck each other up harder than that kill a guy

Harold Jackson of course just spin around in his circle just throwing up that was my special two point lead two point lead look the guys just in front and then after just goes

two point lead just making shit up roller derby is the most haphazard ass, rule ass, motherfucking sport. God, you got to be fit, though, huh? Jackson, does he have enough left? I don't think he does, yeah. I cannot afford to let that red get to lead to him.

Oh, it's wrestling. This might be the greatest sports hollered about there. Dude, the guy came up behind him, gave him a bear hug, and Curtis Jackson, or whatever the fuck, his name is, just took him over his head and piled drove him into the wooden fucking ground. Now he's paralyzed, and we're, oh, it's, wrestling. And then fucking this

Harold Jackson just double kicks the guy in the fucking chest. What the fuck was I trying to say? Chess, but I was trying to say something else. Right into his chest. Too neat. A jump

that you can only do in Street Fighter 2 that you cannot do in real life Harold Jackson did with roller skates on, not even Blades. Oh, and then the other guy grabs him, fucking swung him. Then the other guy black him and then swung him like he was blade fixing his shoulder in the subway. Remember that part? Oh, he fucking barreled two dudes.

This has got to be. Are you shitting me, dude? This is the best thing I've ever seen in my life. And how? How is it not now? Put it on ESPN. one. Dude, I'm not talking about ESPN 5.

One time I saw ESPN 9 and they were like doing pogo stick jumping. Fuck it. Put this on and have baseball be the lead in. Have football be the lead? Monday night football?

No. Now it's Monday night roller derby. And you put football in the worst time slot because this is the headliner. Are you shitting me? Punch him.

Fuck him up. See, you know what? This should be the thing that's big. Not UFC. Because those motherfuckers really mess each other up, dude. These guys, you watch it and you go, is this real? But it seems like it's more real than wrestling, right?

I mean, the guy did a fucking jump kick to it, dude. Fuck, that guy's the most athletic guy I've ever seen in my life. This guy, Harold Jackson, and then women do it too, right? And then their titties must hurt a lot when they do it. Look at this. Look at this guy commented. It wasn't the greatest for me. I had the devil's beating the outlaws in this one.

Lost $500 on this. Wow. Back when this aired, that's $1.2 million. Lost $500 on this. Devils had it wrapped up, if not for this crazy ending. but how do you know you're watching you go it's the only thing you watch

you look at the announcers you go are they winning you don't know did the score change is there a score or what are we doing this here it's staged that's got

I mean for sure what a comeback he says he just fucking John Wicked everybody he literally he goes oh I'm actually Jet Lee now this is the most athletic i've ever seen my life

here we go okay so he's gaining he grabs him boom brings him over oh fuck oh we fuck him up dude guy can't fill his legs now he's just running oh that's how you know you're really good at roller skating is when you're just running with them on and then he just jumps up in this in the solar plexes that's what i was trying to get fucking bam took him down guy can't breathe cracked his ribs the dude died

a week later from this injury okay and then this dude's running puts his hat back on uses his friend to fucking swing him forward

then this guy uses his other friend and the other friend falls down because he got too much momentum dude and he just they win I guess

and then there's two dudes and then this dude just flies into these two dudes dude dude he flies into these two dudes these two dudes unfucking

believable like they're the Twin Towers. This dude went to flight school, didn't learn how, passed the course on landing and just goes, I'm not really interested in that part. And we knew it.

And he goes, but I'm ready for the roller derby. And we let him go. And George Bush Jr. is the league president dude and he just took out

the Twin Towers and you know what he deserved it everyone's down on the ground and Saddam Hussein was a more orchestrated a role

even though he didn't there's both bought the league okay that's it go to my uh instagram or my website christley dot com come see me on tour um i'm having a good time out there uh and i'm constantly adding dates i'm going to australia i was going on no that's british he's a gallon might um man that's both bad but um is a gallon want to be in Sydney not out of late

because I went there last time and the time before that and it's like I'm done doing that and so anyway Brisbane I'll see you there go to chrissy dot com

appreciate you love you like and subscribe thank you Thank you. I don't know. Thank you. I don't know.

I don't know. You know, Thank you. Thank you.