Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 485. Lightningly Absurd

Episode Date: January 15, 2026

Get a shoutout on Congratulations: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠holler.baby/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠��⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🎤 Watch GROW OR DIE on YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠WATCH⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. 🎰 Legendz Social Casino and Sportsbook. 100% match on your first purchase. (up to $100) ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠legendz.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ This week Chris went to Disneyland and stayed in a weird Airbnb. Plus bad food, the Golden Globes, and Chris's favorite follow on IG right now. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram, X, and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠instagram.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🕺 TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠tiktok.com/@chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🎮 Twitch: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠twitch.tv/chrisdelialive⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 𝕏 X: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠x.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 👤 Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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responsibly. Runk. Hey guys, and welcome to the episode. Another one of congratulations. Number 485, and thank you to our sponsors, Legends, Social Casino, and Sportsbook. We preach. So here we go.

And look, a few things are happening. First of all, well, before I even start, I got, you know, some dates coming up here. And I always plug these dates. And it's just to remind you guys, you know. Adding a show in Montreal, adding a show, I think in Vancouver. Anyway, I'll be in West Nyack, Milwaukee, Charlotte, North Carolina, Chattanooga tonight, I think. Brisbane, I got a, you know, the Australian tour, and then I got one date in New Zealand.

And Tacoma, Washington, and then Austin, Texas. Anyway, go at chrysley.com, the Go for it tour. We got some cool new merch coming out, too, that you can get on tour. or so check that out. And, you know, a few things are going on. I got a, you remember, I update on my sleep. I was not sleeping. Now I finally got some good night's sleeps.

But here's the thing. Here's what I think. I have not been drinking enough water. Check. Well, no, no. Actually, no, I don't even want to say that. Because it feels like I have, okay, mentally it feels like I've drinking enough water. Drink enough water.

There we go. That's what I meant to say. That's me taking a big gulp. Okay. And mentally, it's felt like I have drank enough water. Physically. Sub physically. What?

Sub-physical form. No matter what, how much water I drink, lips go. Hey, lips. Stop going. Dude, no matter how much water I drink, lips go. lips go and it's so they crack so hard

that it's just you know and then it's like it bleeds a little and you look like you got herpes you're going to the UPS store and you're just like no it's not herpes I'm just yeah it's dry well mentally I feel like I'm drinking enough water

but physically in a physical form I guess I'm not my lips keep going anyway thanks yeah can I get a receipt uh so I'm just I woke up I actually to give you a sense of how dry I am. I woke up very dry this morning, but a few days ago, maybe, maybe it might have been more than a week ago. I hope I didn't talk about this on my last podcast.

But, uh, I woke up because I was dreaming about being dry, I woke up saying or trying to say, water. I actually woke up saying that. Water. And I couldn't even say it. My mouth was so dry that it was like, it was unbelievable. It was lightningly absurd. That's the new, you know, I'm trying to make that word. But so I'm just sitting here drinking water.

And, you know, here's the other thing, too. I drink one sip of coffee, Sahara. Okay? One sip of coffee. Sahara. Okay? One sip of coffee, gobi. All right?

You understand? And it's und, dude, so I can't even drink coffee. I tried to drink coffee. I didn't drink coffee the other day. Headache size of Montana. So, you know, a lot of locations in this episode that really I'm going to bring it up. But it was just, it's just too, you know, it's just too much. And so my lips are chapped and, uh, I'm dry.

My nose, my, my, my mouth, all this stuff that, you know. is in my in my in my in my in my face so that's great how about how god made your sometimes your face uncomfortable you know like just if you got uh dry nose yeah you know god just had it was in a mood one day he goes eh give him fucking making him uncomfortable right in the center of his fucking face there we go there we go hey here we go lips sahara mentally fine sure but in the physical form sahara um in the physical for him? Jesus goes. So I'm drinking water and you know what else I'm doing. I'm starting to drink non-bottled water straight from the source. Well, not really because it's from the tap. Well,

it's from the filtered tap. So not straight from the source, but I'm doing that because I thought of something. And you know, mine's go. Nothing more powerful than an idea, even a really strong guy. And you can put that in my tombstone. But nothing more powerful. than an idea, and I got an idea in my head. I started thinking about microplastics. Now, why do they call it microplastics? Okay, I understand that it's smaller than plastic, but it's still plastic. So just call it plastic.

You don't have to say microplastics, right? Because that's like saying, you know, micro fabric. Fabric is fabric, right? It's just the more you, the littler it gets, it's just still fabric. Once you coin a term for it, you're a piece, okay? I know, scientists are always trying to come up with extra words before the words, and then also just extra syllables. Like, you know, try to look up a, just read about DNA strands or read about the period

out of contemporary. You don't even know what they're saying. It's like they had a sale on letters. And they're like, we've got to use them all. We've got to get our money's worth. He's like your dad on the last day of the Disneyland trip. Come on. We're going on it. We got to go. He got to hit them all. And you're like, that. I don't care about the Matterhorn. I'm five. It's going to scare the shit out of me. Come on. Tickets are $500. Come on. Get in there. Sit down. Buckle up. Go. We're doing it five times. We're getting our goddamn money's worth. I don't believe in that. If you, that's why I don't like making plans. Bruno Mars coming to town.

I'm going to get a ticket in three months. Well, if I don't want to go in three months. Now, that being said, get a ticket for me. I'll be in your town soon. Krissly.com. Newtor, go for it. Now, I, um, so I'm dry. And that's fine.

I'm dry. But, uh, there's more going on. Okay. Can't sleep. Fine. Got a few good night sleeping there. Last night. man you know what i have four dogs and that's too many and they wouldn't they wouldn't shut let me try to

say this as with as much vitrella as i can i wanted them to shut the fuck up now i really felt it in there okay in my heart. I wanted my dogs to shut the fuck up. I thought about doing things like tying their legs together. It's like, dude, if you're going to make me this annoyed, then your legs are getting tied together. You're going to just flop around a little bit. But we're going to just flop around.

You're going to look like a fucking, a hairy fish out of water. So I, I, dude, I took them out. Oh, I took them out of the, God, dude, you know what? I've been really letting my anger get the best of me lately. Yes, dude, I got to chill. I got to chill, dude. Sam, my dog, won't shut up, dude. Just, boop, boon, boath, boon, boath, boath, boath, boath, boath, boath, boath, boath, boath, boath, boath, boath, boath, boath, boath, boarse, boarse.

Like, it's so sporadic, dude, it would be one thing if it was, Booth, mouth, birth, birth, birth, birth, birth, birth, birth, birth, birth, birth, birth, like Jeff Kent was up to bat. But like, you know that baseball song? That's everybody's lips cracking, because it's too dry in the summertime. Winter time, Anyway, now batting,

Batting, Jeff, Jeff, Canned, can't, can't. What am I saying, bro? Anyway, my dogs wouldn't shut up. Wanted to tie their limbs together. And then I was like, maybe I'm literally going to bed thinking maybe I'm a sociopath. Maybe I'm a sociopath.

Like if my dogs ran away, at least two of them, I would be like, all right. That's the game. They got out. That's actually the game. That's actually the game. That's where my mind would go. You know what?

Okay, that's actually the game. I only have two dogs left. That's fine. Game. Sometimes the game wins. I lost. Now I only have two dogs. And that's just how it's going to be.

And so I, and they wouldn't be in my room. And they were down in the, in the, in the TV room. Oh, man. And when one starts barking, the other one starts barking, and then Cooper rounds it out. And he's just, it's like, it's like there's five Tim Allen's downstairs. And so I finally go, all right, well, you know what? Then they're going to have to stay in the laundry room. I'm going to close door.

I brought them in the laundry room, the two mean, worst culprits, right? Put him in the laundry room. They tried to, they tried to be like, wait a minute, wait a minute, and get out. I closed the door, didn't bark one time, okay, one hour into, so I finally fall. sleep now okay then i wake up an hour well i don't even know i guess it was an hour and 40 minutes after i fell asleep no i didn't even get that much sleep at once an hour or something and uh and uh little pety the dachson who's who's i would say i don't know who barks more him or her sam but sam more all day but pety with his just

lightningly loud barks. Try to make that a new word, but when he hears something, you know what I mean? So I put them both in there and they didn't bark at all. And so I wake up in, you know, an hour and something and I feel something in my covers. And I go, oh, time to die. You know when you're like half asleep and something doesn't make sense, even though it makes so much sense. And you just go, oh, time to die. your feet and a dog is like touching you go oh dude oh you know what it is it's actually a

serpent from hell gotcha gotcha gotcha it's a serpent from hell right trying to get me it bit me there we go all right and i'm on my way oh i'm headed down great so i go oh somebody let the fucking dogs out i'm like the angry version of the bahama man You let the dogs out. You let the dogs out. Rolf! Rolf! Rosh! Rosh! Roof!

Sam. And I'm just, I'm so angry that the dog is at my feet and all cozy and shit. Like the dachshund just, like a pig in shit, you know? Just at the feet. Just warm. Warmer than me, I'm cold because some of my body. is outside of the covers because I want it to be 74 degrees,

but my wife won't let me have it at 74 degrees, even though the bedroom is the coldest room in the house because we've got pockets of air. Okay? So the docksin's all warm just at my feet, just thinking, I thought I was a serpent from hell, huh? Well, I'm pretty fucking warm down here. I bet you're cold.

Remember when you tried to lock me up in the, in the laundry room? I got out. one of the twists and turns. Anyway, good night. So I, I, I, now it's 115 or, no, sorry, 12, 45 is what it was. And I don't even know what time it was, but I hear from Billy's room. And, uh, hear from Billy's room. And I'm like, oh, man, okay.

But I love my kids. Like, I'm not a sociopath when it comes to my kids. When my, when I come with my kids, I go, my heart. and I get up and I go into Billy's room and I don't now here's something that you're probably not picture the story okay and this is something that you're probably not thinking about I wear contacts which means sometimes I wear glasses and when I take my contacts out I usually put my glasses on except when I'm sleeping and when I wake up in the middle of the night the amount of times I put my glasses on to go pee or do something is never. Okay. So I go into Billy's room and he's just up

and he's saying, that, that, he says that, that, that, oh, that. And I'm just like, what's wrong? He goes, oh, that. And I'm like, you got to be quiet, buddy. That. So I bring Billy into my bed, all right. my wife was not in town. So this is why this is happening. But it was just, it was us, okay? And I leave to bring Billy to my bed and cows in it. Okay?

So now I'm like, oh, all right? I guess we're all doing a slumber party. And then Cal's starting to be like, Billy was loud and I can't just. And I'm like, okay, cow, just relax. Okay. And then I brought Billy into my bed. Now, we all fall asleep again.

Billy starts crying again. And I'm like, what the fuck? One thing he doesn't do ever is just cry when he's with me. So I'm like, what the fuck? Billy, all right, then you're going back to your crib. I brought him back to the crib. As I'm bringing back to the crib, the docks and PD is just like, fucking bitch ass.

I'll stay under these covers. I'll wait for your feet to touch me again. Make you all uncomfortable and shit. Make you too hot on your feet. feet but cold the rest of your body. Bitch ass. Anyway. If your son or something doesn't wake you up, I'll do it.

I'll do it. 45 minutes, don't worry about it. Those your lips, you fucking asshole? So anyway, so stop waking me up. Your lips are cracking. That's the dog. So I bring Billy back into the crib and I'm very frustrated. But I'm not showing it.

I say, Billy, you have to go? go to sleep, he lays down, I put the cover over him, then I go back into my room. Just me and Cal. Pass out. An hour later, Billy's screaming again. Now, it's very blurry. I don't have my glasses.

I walk into Billy's room. And Billy is crying, and I say, Billy, you have to get some sleep buddy. And it's very unorthodox, what's happening. He's not usually like this. And he says, no, look, look. And he's pointing to, five different throw-up spots.

And I go, oh, no, oh, I had no idea. Let me get it in that. I wipe it up and he goes, and then he's like, oh, thanks. And then he's so, the rest of the night, it was just every hour or half an hour. He was waking up and I had to wipe up vomit. And so I am, so now what I'm saying is. is I'm basically what I'm saying is I'm dry and exhausted and Sam has been barking all day and so my anger my my fuse I should say right it's just dude I go downstairs I say

hey we got to do something about these dogs like I'm just like hey like an uncle you know what I mean go downstairs I got to something about these dogs I'm sorry I'm on my limit I don't know what to do anymore I'm a tie of legs together I thought about tiny legs and I'll say So, so I'm so tired. I'm like, let me just get out of my head and let me go do my sprints because I've been working out real hard. Let me go do my sprints. It's cardio time. And I usually do uphill sprints, okay?

Guess what I did, though. I went to a different trail and did a more uphill, a steeper uphill. Okay? I'm so fucking tired. Yay. And I get to my dude, I can't even, I'm just gonna do the pockets of my eyes closed. I don't get a fuck. Y'all can do the shit with my eyes closed, dog.

Rappers. Yo, dog, I can do this with my eyes closed. Yeah? Nah, not really. So, um, now we're just lying, man. Most of us just lie. Yeah, dog. So, um, so I go to a big hill, uphill sprint.

And I hear they're better for your knees, you know, as you get old. I'm like, here we go. I sprint 10, over 10 seconds, and then back down. Over 10 seconds back down, 20 times. And I now, let's see, what do I feel like? I basically feel like an uncooked chicken tender. I'm so tired. And I'm still here for you showing up, drinking unbottled water straight from the tap,

not really, but you know what I mean? the filtered the from the filtered thing but there's so oh so I started thinking of microplastics now I'm back on this is where we go back like it's like the fucking Quentin Tarantino podcast so I got an idea of microplastics and yeah really that's just plastic that's really small so when you have is something and this is what I've been thinking of all day because I was a deal I'm sure probably but when you have a bottle of water and you open it when you twist it it's got to shape it some of the plastic off and into the bottle. I thought of that, which means you're drinking a little bit of plastic, which is fine,

but not over and over again, dude. And then you're like, wait a minute, dude, how much plastic is inside me? And so I go, I go, oh, well, I'm just going to start drinking out, because I don't want to, you have a bunch of plastic. Guess what? It's too late. Drinking a bottle of water all my left is too late. Is it too late?

Probably. How many bottles of water do you have a day? Two? Probably. Three? Probably. Oh no, more. That's the more. And so I'm just like, well, you know what? I'll do that. If I do need to drink a bottle of water, which I will, I'll uncap it and leave the cap off because putting the cap back on grinds more microplastics into the bottle of your water. So, all right. Come on, government. Tell me.

these things. So I basically have been really stressed out because of all this stuff, and that's fine. This is stuff I think about. Did I put it on my story the other day? We went to Airbnb. We went to Disneyland. And I'll tell you right now. Disneyland, it's unbelievable.

Now, you know me, dude. I'm not the kind of guy who goes out and does shit, really. but when it comes to my kids, I can't, I just, it's so fun. I want to go to Disneyland now, which is what I'm saying. I didn't used to, but now I have kids,

I want to go because they're so excited, okay? And we go to Disneyland, we're with our other friends, our family, other family friends. They've got little girls and my, you know, we got little boys, so we all went.

And, uh, super fun. And the Airbnb was a themed Airbnb, which my wife is super into because she wants, she wants to make one. Okay. Sometimes I look at my wife and I'm just like, why? Because I don't understand the level of work and commitment she has to what she does is unreal. And mine is too, but at least when I'm doing it, I'm laughing all the time. I'm still angry though.

It doesn't really help. So she wants to do an Airbnb house, and that's cool. And she wants to rent it out. She thinks it'd be fun. And I'm like, oh, other people? Ha ha. Oh. Other people around?

Hey, man. What the? Hey, man. What the? Fuck you guys. And so, and so, uh, we're going to Disneyland. And she's like, case.

She's taking so. many pictures of the Disneyland thing she's like getting ideas right and it looks like she's case in the joint like I'm surprised fucking security isn't coming up and you're like what are you doing taking a picture of the fucking back alley here behind Daisy's cafe oh the food at Disneyland dude hey hey what the fuck are you doing hey Disneyland what the fuck are you doing dude the food are you are you serious oh and they go you can order it ahead of time on your app. You look on the app. Even on the app it tastes bad. It's so fucking horrendous. You get, uh, okay, first of all, chicken fingers or a burger or some weird shit. They'll always

own some weird shit too. And if it matters, Daisy's Cafe or fucking, you know, these are these stupid fucking things. It's like, you know, they're based after Disney characters. The wreck it, Ralph. Lollapalooza Cafe. And you're just. just like, what are you saying? And so and, and, and, and so you go there and you order ahead of time and you,

dude, the fucking chicken tenders tastes like a, just, they just, it tastes just like a table. And then I got a tomato paste fucking, even me saying this is disgusting. Some, a tomato paste, Caesar

rap or something, which was actually the best thing. And then, And a burger there is like, is like, it's like biting into a baseball, the one from the sandlot that the dog drooled all over. And it's unbelievable. Have more shit. Dude, I went to the, I went to the, they have like a New Orleans style thing because they got to have something for the, what is it, Tiana, the fucking princess and the frog. Because they got to have stuff for, you got to have some section for black people, right? It can't all be like white, I guess.

I don't know, right? Whatever. But so I go to there because I'm like, at least they'll have like some sort of like spicy good shit. I got the Cajun shit, Cajun chicken. Four and a half hours later. Just my fucking asshole turned into Ramstein.

Is that that band? Rop. Roh. Roh. Roh. That was it, right there. If I turned around and pointed my asshole in the direction of intruders, they'd run away. Do you understand?

Oh, no, we're getting it. They're breaking in. I've got this, guys. Hold on in my hands while I lay out the window. Dude, the Cajun fucking chicken and the gumbo, the nerve that Disney has to do has to sell this shit to me. Like, to us, anyone, whoever's going. Like, it's not going to make our anuses go. It's, dude, it's unbelievable, man.

It got to the point where my anus just had to open up and it sounded like a boat was docking. And so I'm sitting there eating at the fucking, you know, the restaurant that the princess and the frog, Tiana, whatever, works at. And she's there. And everyone's taking pictures with Tiana. And my stomach's just working on it.

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and may uncover early signs of conditions like heart disease and cancer. The healthier you means more moments to cherish. Take control of your well-being and book an assessment today. Medcan. Live well for life. Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. So I eat the Cajun chicken, at least, you know,

it's you know what I'm in a fine how about spicy is fine okay Cajun is where you lose me what are you doing a spicy what what are you doing to it spicy what are you doing with Cajun what's going on so anyway we're at Disneyland we got home and I posted a story on my uh this is not this is this is I got I posted a story on my Instagram and it was the layout of of the house and uh i'll post i'll put it here i have it here i'll send it to you guys at least i think i still have it but like let's let's look at this fucking thing let me see if i still have it actually before i even get it here because this was how about the texie again nowadays look this oh actually no that's a good one won't use it um um

i have i have unused passes at the thing ha stop reading but that's cool though um so where's the video hold on i see if i still have it i hope i do because honestly this is going to make it for some some absolute fantastic content oh oh iphone changed everything again oh cool where is it oh iPhone just kind of shuffled around everything oh good good good good oh just when i was getting used to it iPhone just just basically uh put all of the apps and everything that is inside that makes up the iPhone in a sifter and just kind of fucking jostled it around? Oh, good.

I'll just spend the next fucking eight months learning this, and then they'll put it back in the sifter and jostle it around again. Thanks! So, do I have it? I got it. I got it. Look at this layout, dude.

First of all, I'm going to text it to you guys, so you have it on the thing. There you go. It's going to your phone, I think. So I actually, and I'm sorry to even really do this because this is a very, I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry. I'm not at all sorry, actually. I take that back.

Because we stayed at an Airbnb. It's a themed Airbnb. And they did, this guy has like a whole business of where he has like 16 themed Airbnbs and you could stay in all of them and they're all booked always. And the guy's just got to be a billionaire because of these properties. I have no idea, actually. Because rich enough to buy 16 houses, what guy who's rich enough to buy 16 houses

makes them all Airbnbs? That's like being an Uber driver and showing up in a fucking Lamborghini. Here's your order. It's just fucking chick-chikfil-A. You're showing up in a hurricane. Okay, so look at this layout here. I'm going to play here.

So we just stayed at this Airbnb, and let me ask you a question. Sorry about the wind. You know what? I'm not sorry. Is this not crazy? So there's a way to get in over there. Okay, you can get in this way.

And I don't want to hear it, okay? Because people are like, just go next to the garage and go up to the... Okay? I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about the front yard. Keep watching. Look at the way that this.

is set up. There's bushes in the way. You can't get onto the front lawn, okay? Look at this. This is how you would get in. I guess there's no, like, there's no way to, no path to get in the front lawn, which is here.

Okay, now I'm on the, now I'm on the side, now I'm on the path. Now I stepped on the path. There's no path to the path. Okay. So now I stepped on the path to go up to the front door, which is just what any normal house ever would ever have.

Okay. And this is the front yard. And then there's a path up to here. Okay. So the path up to the door stops six feet before the door. All right? Now you're probably like, oh, that's because there's a little landing there and you could know. I'll stop you right there.

if you're watching, there is a a fucking wall and you go, oh, where's the gate? Snon. So there's a wall here. And then this thing is here. And then you can kind of squeak by the wall because the bushes

come up against the all the way up to the wall. So you've got to like kind of squeak in between the bushes and the wall to then go past the wall and in that negative space there, there's like, a fucking design of a, it looks like a flower bed, but with no flowers in it. And you have to hop over it.

For no reason. Okay. Then there's a wall here. And then this doesn't move. It's not a gate that opens. Yeah. It's just here. And you have to hop over this.

Come on, look at this. To get over inside. This is the only way. All right. So here. Now, I want to talk about this because what is it with people when I, I post something like this, first of all, I was surprised, because people, you go, oh, everyone's so dumb. You know, people, the best line ever in any movie is, yeah, but people are smart. No, a person is

smart. People are dumb. And that is in men in black, okay? And you know me on my men in black stand. I'm not. So, here come the men in black. Man, that shit, remember? How bad was that? And it was just the fucking, I mean, it banged. Um, so. I post it. Overwhelming response. What the fuck is this stupid shit? Some guy, architect here, this is idiotic. The person should be drag and shot.

And but there were still people that were like, bro, what? Just walk on over to the, and I'm just like, why, why are those people around? That's the internet. The internet wasn't like that, though, for a while. And then it just became that. Somebody said like the N-word and everyone else goes, you can say whatever, huh?

And now it's just like, but we went to Disneyland. What memorable stuff happened there? The food's terrible. That's what memory. I can't even believe it. Can you have a cart every now and then with just like sandwiches or something? Or like, I don't know. I don't know.

It's just I'm too L.A., I guess. I guess I'm to L.A. Prissy, you know. But not really, though. You're from Ohio and he's shaking his head, yeah. Oh, well, dude, the amount of money that it costs is, but I'm not even getting to that point because, yes, that's stratosphericly absurd. It's lightningly absurd.

But it doesn't even get to that point because the food, shouldn't it's not a well this food shouldn't be that expensive hey this food shouldn't be sold it shouldn't it just it's it's like or you know what you do

fucking rent stuff out let Starbucks in or or let fucking and Starbucks is terrible by the way but let it in because I I want I'd rather have that than fucking wreck it Ralph Lollapalooza Cafe but like, dude, I can't, I'm talking too much about the food at Disneyland, but it's just like, let, let, let, you know, put a fucking chili's in it.

There you go. Let chili, share the revenue. When I go, and I don't even, I don't eat at chilies, but I'll go eat at chilies. How am I up? All of a sudden, I walk into the fucking, oh, yes, let me scan my $250 ticket. How am I, baby, back, baby, back, baby, back, baby back. Now all of a sudden, I want my baby back, baby, baby back, baby back. Chili's baby back

I just And they jacked the prices up And it's just fucking so How does a family go to Disneyland? You're a family It's too much money And so I'm just like You see these families walking around

And you're like What do you do for a living? Are you a What do you do? You're in real estate? You must be in real estate, huh? Everybody. Are you in real estate?

Because you're here at Disneyland then? Gay? Nothing. Oh, dude, you must be a, uh, you must be a, astrophysicist, yeah? Gay?

Nothing. Never mind. Sorry. Thought maybe you were an astro. Are you an astronaut? Gay? Nothing. Never mind. Say ya. So it's just like,

I don't get it. I don't get it. But I went to fucking, I went there and I did it. And I housed ice cream. I housed it. I housed ice cream. And I fucking housed cookies and I housed donuts, dude.

I don't give a fuck. Anyway, you got to live life. You got to live life. So that's what's up. The ice thing is complicated. Done! How's that for a clip? Dude, I don't, I'm staying out of it.

The ice thing's, the ice thing is complicated. Done! Hey, dude, I, uh, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Okay. obviously. It's a complex issue. Done.

It is weird, though, right? Like, if you're a guy, like, I always think about this. Like, you know, we have free speech. Right. So I can go anywhere and just say whatever in America. I won't get arrested, right?

But somebody might punch your shit out of me. And you go, but free speech. And then that guy goes, yeah, but I'm a person and free punching too. Now that's illegal, but still in my head, you offended me. So free punching. And so they just start wailing. So you go, okay, free speech, but you still, but still, there's that, there's still that fuck around and find out attitude, right?

So people have used this fuck around and find out attitude too loosely. We can all agree on that. Someone's like, where'd you get that sweater? And you're like, oh, yeah? Fuck around and find out, dude. That's actually not his business. You're like, what the fucking dude? I would just, I like it, man.

Yeah, well, you should have thought about that. Banana Republic, though, anyway, I'm out of here. And so now the president is Mr. her fuck around and find out. I mean, dude, they said the thing where they go like, now you call Tim Walts retarded. What do you, do you want to, you know, what's it called? They always, do you want to clarify? They always do that, journalist. You want maybe to get out of that? Trump goes, do you really think that he's retarded? He says, well, I think that's, yeah, I think there's something very wrong with him. Yeah. And you're just like, oh, okay.

so he took fuck around and find out Fafo right and he and now everybody's got that you know and so so ICE has that and people supporting ICE have that and people

who just kind of you know I mean even the people who are getting detained by ICE are probably like that they're like hey dog fuck around find out man go ahead try to put me in the fucking caravan I'll get I'll capitate that motherfucker You an astrophysicist? Okay.

And so, um, so you know, it's like, all sad. How about that? It's all sad. It's all sad.

It sucks, all of it. And it's a complicated issue. And I, you know, I go, it needs to be dealt with. And then I'm like, how?

And you know what? That's like, sometimes I'm like, that's the end of the thought in my head. most of the time because you know why it's it's so difficult okay and so you go like this all right it's so difficult yeah okay it's so difficult all right cool so you know who isn't going to figure it out people a person can be smart but people are fucking idiots and so you're like all right uh i'm one of those people i don't know what to do i'm just kind of lucky to be a little bit i'm just kind of

lucky to be alive and have a family. Fuck. That's so sad. I mean, to have, I don't know really what that lady was doing. I've only saw the clip. I don't know who the lady is or what. I really don't even know what happened. I guess they were trying to detain someone and some white woman came in and was like, no. And then I'm like, dude, that's, that's, that's suicidal empathy. That's death by empathy. what a wild way to go or I don't even know who the person is that got killed so I you know I don't know about it

but it's I just just I'm like it dude enough is enough you just read the news or you look at the news you hear the news and you go okay all right I'm sad remember when news used to be like they found a dog they found a dog and the fire station brought the cat out of the tree their local they have even the local news now is like

oh there's a fucking copycat Jack the Ripper There's a copycat Jack the Ripper out here in Torrance. It's on Channel 9. Oh, there's a serial killer ripping people's faces off and wearing them here in, you know, Lansing, Michigan. Beautiful place. Not anymore. So anyway, if I work out hard, my back doesn't hurt.

That's it. That's the whole thing. That's it. My back doesn't hurt. If I don't work out hard, if I don't work out, my back hurts. That's the thing. Great. Maintenance, dude.

I'm like, I think I'm like now like straight up. I mean, sometimes I look at the, the, do you know what I did? I rolled over the other day in the morning. I try not to look at my phone first thing in the morning, but I did this other day. And I picked it up and I opened it and it was on the camera front face, front facing camera. And I go, oh, shit. I suck. I mean, it's a joke.

Like, I think I'm great. But, like, I go, oh, no, dude. What mask am I wearing? Just fucking wrinkles in the, in wrinkles. Man, my wrinkles had wrinkles. So, I don't know. It's just, uh, did you see the golden gloves? I don't watch the golden gloves.

Somebody was like, you're watching the golden gloves? And I go, no. and they said oh because uh what was it what who was i talking to and they were like did you watch the golden globes and i said no way and they said something and then i like they said something like why because of this fuck was it and i said no just because it's so bad you know i have to watch the fucking guy in uh who's that guy who did sing song sing who's the the that you know he's definitely there giving it out an award and i just got to watch him i don't know man it sing sing sing it was an independent isish movie who's that guy the lead guy with a president it's about prison yeah domingo

it's a good movie domingo coleman and i'm just like i just got to watch him in a fucking like in a tux with a shirt off underneath, give an award. And, and, and then I got to watch the guys from Heat, ultimate heat or whatever that gay hockey show is, just do a bit. Hey, uh, I'm from New Jersey, motherfucker. You know what I mean?

Like these people, they're from places, dude. They're not just in West Hollywood. They're people in areas. And you're just going to fucking do a bit. with like, you know, the fucking housemaid tales, girl. House tail, what is the housemaid, housemaid? Housemaid?

No, what's the house? What's the manmaids, handmaid's tail? And housemaid. They should do a crossover collab with Kith. But, um, just pussy guards. And, um, they got fucking Sidney, sweetie, modeling in it like this.

I saw an ad, or not an ad, I saw a thing the other day where it was like guy with, guy with world's shortest micropenet, there's another thing, micro penis, microplastic, just say small as fuck, say vagina. You know, but they're like, micro penis and it had it, and he, and he did a

fucking photo shoot for it. The guy was like, like this. Like, and was, like, well lit. Who does a photo shoot for a micro penis? No, I was, and then I'm like, dude, what if he did a hip hop pose? That would be, I mean, dude, if he was just like in the train tracks, just like this, fucking smallest penis in the world, micro penis. And he's just like, and it's from below parental advisory lyrics on a bike, micro penis. Yo, what's up is DJ micro penis, DJ, micro penis, DJ, DJ short stuff, DJ chode. Hey, what's up?

It's DJ Chode in the house. His penis is wider than it is small than it is long. His penis is his penis is wider than it is long. DJ Chode. DJ Chode. Ah, shit. When he, when he busts, it looks like he just squirts. Squirts.

It looks like he's got a vagina that's squirting. DJ Chode. What up y'all? Hey, just fucking... The baseline. What up? 99 problems and the small penis is all of them. 99 problems.

My penis look like a clit. I don't stroke off. I do the thing girls do like when they do like that with the trying to rub their clit. I got 99 problems and I'm flicking my chode. And so, uh, I got 99 problems. I feel bad for you. you son. Oh yeah. If you have a penis issue. If you have a penis issues, I feel bad for you, son. I got 99 problems and the chode is all of them. Bown. How? Did the DJ chode?

Every 10 seconds so you don't rip the beat. So you can't bootleg it. Did a DJ joke? Nobody's going to fucking bootleg this. I masturbate rubbing up against the water. I can't stroke nothing. I got 99 problems and you can directly corroborate all of them back to my chode. Speaking of chode, dude, what's up with guys like this?

Here, this guy. This guy is my favorite follow on Instagram now lately. The Mike Fidelity. First of all, everything about this dude, and I'm I'll describe him better, but let me just throw out a blanket statement, okay? Everything about this dude, and I don't know this to be true, but everything about this dude screams South Florida, okay?

Or some Florida. It's just the guy, his face, his hair, the way he talks, the house he's in, it's unbelievable, okay and the guys got a great Instagram I don't even think a lot of people follow them at least when I started following them a lot of guys did uh it was but I followed that fucking milking the penis guy for the early on you know that guy was just like warriors sucked each other off for a for you know and then and then like now he's got like millions of followers that guy and then here hold on Mike Mike Fidel Here we go.

Okay. He's got 11,000 followers now. He had less. This guy is incredible. So, I mean, the first post I saw him was Patrick Swate. He's something like, Patrick Swayze, he died at 68, I'm 57, who looks better or something? I'm less so like, oh, this guy is just out to lunch. Okay.

So his posts were great. I'm just going to look at one of them here. This is blind. The question is, because he responds to the questions on Instagram, you know, I see a lot of hate on Gen Z, but I work in the military with a lot of stellar men that excel in fitness. Okay, so that's what the thing says. I just ask a question or comment, so I don't always reply to it, but that's what I says. Instagram, because these Gen Zs and millennials, a lot of them are haters. I would say 80%.

First of all, I got hundreds of thousands thinking that my hair is fake, saying to me that my hair. fake, hating on me because they're 26 or 28, and their hair is thinning. You know, it's not my fault. Okay? And you might want to look at your own, you know, habits. Maybe you're smoking, you know. Oh, so secure finding it as he's talking. A hair loss and other bad habits.

And then they hate it on me for my fitness. And then they hate on me for my money. Wow. My access to women, young women, they're raised that they can't touch with a 10-foot pole. and I'm beating him off a stick. I got more in the dugout and on the deck and in the Seed League. You know, going so far with the sports announcement.

Possibly imagine. So they hate me for a lot of reasons. But me, I just keep winning and I just keep living my life. Gonna cry. I'm a great day. Wow! To spend more time on my Instagram because these Gen Zs and Malen.

So fucking if that guy, I swear of God, if that guy is not. not living in Naples, Florida, I'll eat my own shit. If he's not living in fucking, uh, an hours away from Fort Wayne, Florida, or, no, no, Fort, uh, Fort Myers, Florida, I'll fucking eat my own shit. No joke, no joke. I'll go to the Princess and the Frog cafeteria, uh, get the Cajun chicken, have my, a, a, a nace opened up, up like a boat docking in four and a half hours. and then I'll just fucking eat it.

There's no way this guy doesn't live closely outside of Orlando. I'm not, I'm not, I'm telling you right now, dude. He's got red see-through curtains. Bro, you're from the fucking, one thing is for certain. One thing is for certain, dude. Okay?

If you have red see-through curtains, you're from and were born in the East Coast. There's no way. So, so, anyway. What? Illinois? He's from Illinois.

Nah, he's lying. He's lying. That's a facade. I don't believe in anything. Illinois, well, okay, so, is that Chicago? That's Chicago, right?

Yeah. So Illinois, he relocated there then because he's from the fucking, he's like, this is a guy who would be in in witness production and put-roll program.

And get a big Instagram, and now the mom is just gonna fucking come and saw his head off. So this guy's just amazing, though. He really is amazing. Let's watch that again. You know, I watch shit. I don't just watch it once, bro.

That shit's for bitches. A lot of them are haters. I would say 80%. Why, you know? Just living up his own ass. Just living up his own ass to say, 80% of people are haters. Dude, the guy's just looking at his Instagram page.

There's like, what, 17 bad comments? That's 80% of people? That's great. First of all, I got hundreds of thousands. The way this ramps up, too, is crazy, dude. It starts, you go, oh, is this guy? And then it ends at, ah, that my hair is fake, saying to me that my hair is fake,

Hey, look how steaming mad he is. I love how he plasteres a smile on. Because they're 26 or 28 and their hair is thinning. You know? The cock smile is crunking amazing, dude. And their hair is thinning. He looks like a fucking sprunky. I'm not my fault.

Okay. And you might want to look at your own, you know. That part's great. He's buffering. That part's great because he lost internet right there. Maybe you're smoking, you know, smoking. You guys just making up stuff. Maybe you're smoking.

Making up the fact that, you know, has never once read that smoking leads to hair loss to him. Just saying it. Not that, maybe it doesn't put, this guy certainly has never read that and just says that. This is hair loss and other bad habits. And then they hated on me for my fitness. Hated on me for my fitness is amazing. Like, dude, to call your fitness, your fitness is unreal. I work out.

That's how you say that. But hating on me for my fitness is next level, dude. What's up, dude? You all bunched up because of my fitness? So. And then they hate on me for my money. The people who are listening to this, he does not cease smiling for a second.

second okay so there there's that too it's like he's like the guy this is like when you fucking when the when the when the when the purge happens you look outside and he's in the in the fucking outside of the door like with the in the ring camera access to women young women they're raised that they can't touch with a 10 foot pole and I'm beating him off a stick I got beating in him off a stick or in the dugout and on the uh you know on the on deck and in the seed league than they can possibly imagine. So they hate me for a lot of reasons. But me, I just keep winning

and I just keep living my life. Have a great day. Now, dude, I love it. I love it. And that's that. Thank you very much. Come see me on tour. I will be in West Nyack.

I will be in Milwaukee. I will be in Vancouver. I'll be in St. Louis. I'll be in Cincinnati. I'll be in a bunch of different areas. Also, Australia. Good eye. I'll be there soon.

I'll be this soon. Just get your tickets at chrysalier.com. I really appreciate you. And a thank you.