Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 486. Martin of the King Jr. Day

Episode Date: January 22, 2026

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Runk. Hello, guys. Welcome to another episode of congratulations. And it is episode 486. Thank you to our sponsor, Legends. Go visit them at Legends.com. That's Legends with a Z. I go like this, dude.

It is, first of all, I added another show for this weekend. Yes, West Niac. I'll be in there. I'm going to do three shows on Saturday. Whoops. Going to do three shows on Saturday. Whoops. Told him no a few times.

then was like, Cal do it. Because I want to work out stuff and it'll be fun. So come on down. I'll be in Milwaukee. I'll be in Cincinnati. I'll be in Australia.

I'll be in, where am I going to be? St. Louis. A bunch of different places go to Chris Leia.com to get tickets to see the Go for it tour. You know, I actually was,

I did the tour. The first tour date. The first go for it tour dates. The merch is friggin' and I don't do that. but it is freaking suck. And I, we, uh, we, I was in, uh, Charlotte and also Chattanooga.

And so, uh, we did the shows there and it was very fun. So thank you for every much, everyone for coming out. Thank you every much for coming out. Um, and, uh, you know, it's all good. I was going to, I don't have my, I don't know how my, I don't know how this computer is broken. it doesn't work. I don't have my computer and it's all good. And, you know, one fire is like, well, what do we do, dude? I don't have my computer. The reason why I don't have my computer,

my wife took it. Yes, dude. Now, right there is where I play the Jeremy Renner's thing. Okay. But she, but I don't have the computer that works. So my wife took it and one fire goes, so my fire says, well, what the heck you're going to do? He says, uh, how are you going to do the podcast? And I'm like, dude, my brain. I don't need that. Okay. Now, let me tell you. So, something. I've never done this podcast with, I've done it with no computer, I think, but I've never done it with, wow, dude, every time I say computer, I think, hey, kid, I'm a computer. Wow, shout out to eBOM's world. But I've never done it with no headphones, and that makes me feel naked. So, but it is what it is, dude. I hear my voice now extra nice, and it's, it's pretty weird,

it's pretty vulnerable, it's pretty, it's revealing my inner truth in a way. It makes me feel like, you know, maybe like a woman does when they're working out at a planet fitness, right? A little vulnerable. Okay. The higher end gym that you work out in, you feel more comfortable because the clientele there is not going to be like, but at a planet fitness, the guys are basically, you know, they're doing what they want in their head with you at, with their eyes. And that's a vulnerable position for a woman to be in. But anyway, it is episode, whatever it is. And, yeah, dude, I don't know.

I worked out today, and I'll tell you this much, I, again, I do not have good lower back strength. He said it. I don't have good lower back strength. He said it. And I, you know, I said it. And I was doing bent over rows with a barbell, okay? And whatever. It's, you know, and that's not even something that I need.

to say, but, you know, I did. And I asked a trainer. I was like, I asked a trainer there. I don't have a trainer, but I has a trainer there. I was like, yo, do you ever do bent over rows or do you do the ones where they hit the ground and then you pick them back up? And he was like, it depends what I want to work out. And I was like, oh, yeah, okay. And we talked for a little bit. And then, every trainer kept coming up to me and talking to me and giving me tips. Didn't want them, but did inspire me to work up my lower back. I think if you work your lower back and you work your core and you your obliques, you're unstoppable, dude. But who cares?

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I worked at... This right here is so sore because of grabbing it and pulling it. It's all good. It's boring. It's not a fitness podcast, but it's a nice... It's a comedic podcast. Basically, I have a... I'm at the gym now, and this is not about working out.

This is now just about idiosyncratic stuff and people, but like... I basically think that... that I basically think I see, this has been happening, it's happened to me three times at my new gym, okay? And it's not gym specific, I don't think. But I go to the gym a lot. So it's not gym specific,

but it's a place I go a lot specific, okay? And that happens to be the place I go a lot specifically. So I, I, this is now the third time, the third time, I've seen somebody at the gym on a regular basis, okay? So I've seen this person, I mean, I'm talking anywhere from five to 15 times, okay? All right.

It varies one, whichever one of the three people we were talking about here. I think they're a famous actor. And I think that. And I see them and I go, that's, is it Griffin Dune? Is that his name, Griffin, Dunn, Griffin, Dune? Yeah, the one from after hours. I go, that was one of them. I say, that's

Griffin Dune. And then another one was, is Scott Glenn, the guy from leftovers? Yes. And then another one was a guy from like some TV show. I can't remember if it was like 24 or something, but like in the early odds, right? And I've seen them. Now, there are famous people at my gym sometimes. Like, I've seen Mel Gibson. I've seen Mel Gibson. I've seen, I've seen that guy who, that gay guy who's in everything now. Domingo Coleman, Domingo. What's your first name? What's your last time?

You know? If you got two names like that, what's your first name? Which last time? Coleman Domingo or Domingo, Coleman, same thing. And so, but I've seen that guy. And I know those were actors.

And I saw Griffin Dune, I saw Scott Glenn. I saw this other guy that maybe was from 24. And then I just realized one day when I looked at the Scott Glenn guy, that's just not him. And also, I think I'm wrong about Griffin Dune and the other guy. And the only one I think that maybe I'm right about is Griffin Dune. And that's the kind of person I am.

Do you understand? I'm the kind of person that will think they see someone and convince themselves that it's that person for months. And it's just not that person. Now, what does that mean? That means basically I'm somebody that would piss me off. I'm an old guy. That's something an old guy would do.

Like my dad or my mom, my grandma would have done it. Who's that one actor I saw him? I used to watch his program. And you're like, oh, uh, Gregory Peck. I saw him at the Ralph's. And then you'd be like, oh, uh, and you go to Ralph's with her later on. And it's just like some guy. And then you realize Gregory, your dad's.

And you're like, dude, you didn't see him. You're just old as shit. I, that's me, dude. I'm 45. I do feel like, I'm getting to that age, you know. Griffinville lives in New York. He just told me.

So, okay, maybe he was at the gym, but whatever. You know, people travel, travel. But it doesn't matter. What I'm saying is I do feel like I'm getting to that. I mean, I'm 45, dude. And I will tell you this, I woke up this morning. I was 192. And which means I have officially lost 20 pounds over.

Over her ass, over her ass. Dude, did I ever tell you that story? My God, dude. I used to go to the strip club a bunch when I was, like, in my early 20s. Oh, I think I told this on the podcast early on, but for the new listeners, man, my friend, we went to

this strip club along. It was called the Blue Zebra. Do you know that one? It's called the Blue Zebra. I don't even know if it's there anymore. If it is, it's got to be something else. Now, called something else now. Or maybe it's a fucking comedy club.

But, um, Jay Davis would run a show on Tuesday night there, you know. And so, but it closed? Oh, wow. The blue zebra no more, huh? So I went there and I would go there with my other buddy. And the one there, you know how like Spirradorino? Is it Spirrbent Rhino or one of those chains are like all hot chicks and three ugly ones?

that's their motto or whatever we call it, slogan, which is sexes. But then again, it's a strip club. So that's how it is. And so, and we were there. And I don't know. I must have, because I used to go to the strip club and I would like try to like get them. I'd be like like it for me it was like a, it was like speed dating in my.

early 20s, I'd be like, so, you want to dance? And I'd be like, nah, what's up? Let me get your number, though. And then I would text them for three months. And then they would finally be like, yeah, we should hang out. And I'd be like, hell yeah, coming over. What a, what a mess I was. But, but we went and I don't know where I was, but I do remember the story of my friend

went back with the one that was like, I mean, she must have been 48. and not a kept up 48. You know what I mean? One of those strippers where it's like, what the fuck, dude? I mean, she's trying because she has the outfit on. But something, who's, I don't want to be disrespectful, but what the fuck?

You know what I'm talking about? Do some side bend or something, you know? and he finally caved to her because she kept on being like, let's get it, he said, okay, and he did it. And she made him squirt, and dude, I will never forget that he said, yeah, and that was when she turned around and, and she started grinding on my dick, she started grinding on my dick, and, and it felt so good. And I just, I squirted it over her ass.

It went over her ass. And I will never, I, I will never, I, I think of that all. It went over her ass, over her ass. Like he was trying to really nail that point home, try that point home. But yeah, you used to like the strip club. Not so much anymore. But anyway, I'm 92, 195 pounds.

I got a game muscle. It's hard, though. I'm 45, so. But I'm feeling good. And things are, you know, I went on my flight back from, what do you call it? Charlotte. Dude, let me just tell you this, man.

And my flight back from Charlotte, I, we took off. And now, I've had some turbulence where it's been like, whoa. You know what I mean? Not like, not like scream worthy, but like, whoa. Like the kind where the plane's going this way. and then it buckles a little bit, and then it buckles a little bit, and then it just starts, like, flying that way,

and you're like, okay, this is, uh, let's not, it's just like there's ice in the air and we're sliding on it. Terrifying, but I, I flew back from Charlotte and the pilot's just like, hey, so we're going to, you know, going, and a little bumps here. Might get a little bit of bumps in the way out. I don't know if you can clear them and then we might get a little bit, but they just tell us that maybe a little bit months an hour into it after that. I don't know.

And I don't tell me that. I guess it's fine to tell me there's going to be a few bumps. But don't map the whole thing out. How about this? If you're mapping the whole thing out an hour or two in advance, go a different way. Now, I know most planes don't crash because of turbulence. They crash because of other things,

but it's freaky. So I get on the plane. I'm next to this very nice lady. She's got to be 50. Well put together watching Deadpool. Really cute. You know what I mean? Like on her phone or something and we're reading a book sometimes on the plane.

We take off and the pilot head said it's going to be a little bit bumpy. And it was very, very bumpy. It was very, very bumpy. and I want to do this justice because when stuff happens that's like traumatic, you know, or whatever or like scary, you tend, or I tend to go like this. Oh, dude, but is this really that scary or am I just a pussy? Okay. And I'm saying this during the turbulence and my ass is off of my seat.

Like it, like picked me up and I had to brace myself against the ceiling. okay and the lady next to me grabs my my hand and I go oh and like it's it's like you know and I go oh shit the fucking wings are gonna break like dude it didn't feel good at all and I started being really really nervous because like now I got kids and shit and it's not just about me and um and the the lady you know so it was like two minutes of that but probably like five, but it was not constant. It was like it had happened

and then not happened and it happened and it happened. And so the lady I was next to looked because I was against the window. She looked at the flight attendant and she was like, she's cool,

she's not acting alarm. So I'm not worried. It's going to be okay. And I was like, okay, okay, boom, boom, boom, boom. Okay, okay. And then I, after it, you know, we lived.

And by the way, you look at a guy next to you, sometimes like across the way and dude the whole i think the plane chicken so hard and he's just with his fucking earfo just and it's like bro come on man you're scared or at least act scared with me if i'm acting that way i don't know she the lady was sweet though she grabbed me and she was like it's going to be okay and i was like yeah yeah thanks no i know but still it's just like um and uh and so i get up after the you know this is hours later i'm in the flight i'm in the plane and I go to take a to a piss and I get out and there's the flight attendant there and I said,

hey, let me ask you a question. And I've been, by the way, I've been Mr. Ask You a Question lately. Let me ask you a question to people. And I don't like that I've been doing that, but I've been friendlier. And you know why it's because I've been more positive. It's 2006. I'm really living out my, what do you call it? My resolution. In fact, the other day I was talking to somebody and I, just threw out, I literally just threw out in the beginning of the conversation. I thought of you the other day. And I didn't, dude. And they said, oh, yeah.

And I had to scramble to think of something. I just want people to like me, bro. I thought of something good, dude. I thought of something good, too. I was like, yeah, about the, now I forget it, but I was like, yeah, I did. Dude, I owned that shit. I owned it. I looked right in her eyes and I go, oh, yeah.

It was because of how, and I just made it up, bro. I'm a fucking liar Dude small talk sucks But you But I liked the guy I was talking to So I wanted him to feel good

Oh well I got problems I'm caught up in Hey So I So I So I walked up to the Flight attendant

And I said Hey let me ask you a question What is A turbulence Because in my head I'm like It was after the traumatic event I go

It wasn't that bad I think probably right wasn't that bad. And so I say to the flight, I say, hey, how was that turbulence, by the way? And two other flight attendants, so now three of them were together, chimed in, looked at me, and they go like this, oh, it was bad. And I go, oh, my, I knew it, dude. I knew it.

I was trying to candy-coded afterwards. And the flight attendants were acting relaxed, but they said it was bad. And I said, really? And I looked to the oldest flight attendant because she's been doing it a lot, right, a long time. There were two young flight attendants and one old one. And I said, it was bad. And she said, yep, in my 30 plus years, that's one of the worst I've ever experienced. Dude, I'm a survivor.

And I allow it to traumatize me. I have trauma from it. The rest of the day, I was like thinking about it. And I was like, whoa, dude. And then later on in the night, I'm like, man, that was really traumatic. And I'm as, and I count it as trauma. dude and so i fucking ordered eight pints eight pints of handles ice cream last night because i've been eating very lean and i've been keeping my calories well under two thousand and just leaning the fuck out

and when i walk fast my abs show and i got eight pints of ice cream and i i really fucking Nillied it, dude. People were like, what kind you get? And I go, fuck you. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop. Just picked eight, send. We'll see.

Let's hope for the best. Fucking nailed it, dude. Two chocolate chunks, one chocolate, two vanillas, one gram cracker express or whatever the fuck it's called, and one Oreo cookie with vanilla. And if there, I think that's all of them, but there was eight of them, dude. I fucking nailed it. And I ate a whole pint of chocolate chunk.

And I'm not sorry, bro. I earned it. I ate it. And man, it was smooth as shit. When you get the ice cream that's nice and smooth, you go, you go to town, dude. And then I went to bed. I tried to read a little bit of the exorcist, you know, nice little light reading, and I went to sleep.

Had fucking crazy dreams because I took Trazadone. When I take Trazodon, when I take Trazodon, I took Trazodon, I took Trazit. don't my dreams are like excuse me we'll just be terrible excuse me um did you know you can think of things like this you probably didn't think you had it in you but we we got you you got you you know that really terrifying AI shit that you follow online and you see it and every now and then your algorithm shows you like somebody with a pussy mouth we got it handled oh yeah yeah you know that a guy opens his mouth and a fish and a fish comes out and then starts uh you know fucking uh canelope you know that yeah hey we got it from here but

go to sleep. And so I had crazy dreams. I woke up, got eight hours. Woke up, watch that eight hours of sleep. Sleep source 72. What's up? What are I got to do? What I got to fucking do?

Who sleeps eight hours, kind of. That's such bullshit. Somebody's like, get an aura ring. Dude, I'm not wearing a fucking ring. I'll wear a watch. I'm not wearing a ring. I hate, I don't like rings. I really don't like rings.

Like, who am I fucking Johnny Depp? I don't like rings. Like, what am I a magician? I like fucking. Watches are fine, but I don't want rings. Like, what the fuck? Rings are, it's like two, wearing two earrings as a guy. Like, just, it's not, it's not for me.

I thought I wanted a dangly earring, but I don't, you know. I'm glad I didn't make that mistake. My brother has one, but he doesn't think it's a mistake, so it's fine. But yeah, man, you know, it's, uh, it's 2026. I hope it's shaping up for you. and I hope you're having a great time. I am having a good time with this. I wrote something in my notes, and I was looking at it before I did this podcast.

And this happens when I do my podcast sometimes or when I put notes in my book. I don't normally use notes. Well, I use notes sometimes, but I look at the, I put in a word or two when I'm on the go doing stuff and um i go i'm gonna forget what that means and then i and then i and then i and then i and then i and then i'm another guy in my head and i say no you're not and i say yeah i won't and i said and then i literally say i might though and i go no come on who cares whatever just don't just do what you're doing and forget it it's just a note and i put it in and then i leave it and then for the next like minute or two i'll be thinking about the note trying to

solidified in my head. I'll be like, that'll connect, you know. And then I go before my podcast to look at the stuff. I got no idea what the fuck it is. So I wrote something in there. I have no idea what it is. And I'm pissed and I keep doing it. And dude, I think, like, I swear I've been driving along the street before and seen a pothole and gone for it. So I think what I'm learning is I self-sabotage. I think I self-sabotage. And that's sad because I never thought I did. But I think I do. Yay.

I think I do. So I've got to figure that out, right? I mean, this isn't my therapy session, but by the way, on couples therapy, I've done it a lot. And I always feel like the guy's not on my side. There, I said it, dude. I feel like the guy's not on my side, dude. And I know he shouldn't be on sides, but I feel like he's actively on whoever the other person's side is, aka, you know who, my wife, but yes, you know who.

But right, but I'm just saying because I've had a couple therapy before my wife with other people. And I always feel like they're on the other person's side. You know what I'm saying? But my wife, but you know what I'm saying. And I can't get you break, dude. But I, you know, being a guy, you just get your fucking teeth kicked in and kicked in and kicked in and kicked in. And then it's another week. You know? I mean, I don't know how. what's going on in the world i don't know how anyone's operating i don't know how anyone's operating i i genuinely i i i i didn't uh the podcast trying not to die with uh jack osborne and and ryan his buddy ryan and it came out and then fox news like did a uh uh post about like they were

like christalea says comedians are spineless for jumping the ship immediately and i'm like yeah i guess i did say that, dude. But like, I read that headline and, and, and you go, that's, that, that's an annoying headline because that isn't all I said. I believe that. But also, the fact that they take those quotes and put them as a thing and then you look, you just end up looking like fucking, you know, uh, Skeletor. And I saw Chris blames comedy on there. It's like, dude, what, Does anybody believe the media anymore at all? Yeah, they do. That's the thing. People do read that and you do, you do let that sink in.

And it's, you know, it is what it is. But, you know, the good thing is I'm fucking, I feel good, bro. Because I got eight hours of sleep. And when I, when I, when then I'm after that, I listened to some music and I don't normally do that. But bro, I don't know how anybody's operating, you know. Everyone is using everything that happens in the news for their agenda. And it's sad, hey, it's sad. Hello. I'd like to stop this right now to talk to you about Legends, 2006.

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They've got fun ways to like gamble and, you know, actually was just on it messing around. There's one where like you can bet on a rocket and how high it goes. And you try to, you try to maximize your bet with. how high the rocket goes, and until it reaches the... You can jump out, basically, until it gets to... If you jump out right before it explodes,

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Go check it out. Legends.com, Legends with a Z. Take advantage of the 100% match on your first purchase, up to $100 and make sure to use code congrats when signing up. Everybody got the flu, huh? The thing? Everyone's got the flu.

The flu lasts like three, four weeks now. It's like the flu. It's like inflation or whatever the opposite is, I guess, because now it's more. But, well, no, I guess that would be inflation. Well, the dollar, well, you know what I'm saying. I'm too tired to you from really talk about it. But we're setting up our house to be an Airbnb. this other house that we have.

And it's a fucking gonna be a Harry Potter theme house. Okay? Do you fucking hear me? Okay? Yeah. If you've been listening to this podcast every episode, forever, you go, you know what's up, dude.

You go, oh, Chris has nothing to do with it. It's his wife. My wife wants to, look, we're like, let's put it on the market for Airbnb. she got in contact with a what do you call it a company that does that stuff and she's like let's make it a fucking wizard Airbnb so people could stay in it if they want to go to universal because there's that harry potter world and i go i don't know that's going to cost money to do it and then and she goes she says i'll do it all and i'm like you don't you know because women are women are just

still be like, let's, you know what we should do? Let's start a, let's start a, um, religion. And you're just like, oh, dude, it's too hard. And then the next day, they're like, fucking never mind. Let's fix up an old car, you know? And you're just like, what the fuck are you taught? You just say, you just motor mouth and shit. Let's start a brand like raisinette. Chocolate covered something. Okay. You know? okay yeah sure that's what husbands do and because they know their wives aren't going to follow through my wife fucking follows through it sucks so she says let's do a wizard Airbnb and i'm like all right and uh she's like i'm going to go by and i'm going to start it and i'm like all right she's like

going to be ready in three months dude i went by today because i had to you know i had to unload a She's like, I got a wine barrel that looks good in the entryway for the wizard house. So I'm going to, will you help? It's 80 pounds. Should you, can you come take it out of the car and put it in the thing when I'm, when I'm over in Hollywood? And I'm like, okay, I'll drive separate and then I'll just go to the gym out there. And I went and she, and I was like, I, I, and I open up the car before I go in the house.

I open up the car and I see this big ass wine barrel. And I'm like, this, how are we going to do this? It's so big. It's like a legit wine barrel, a real one. and I said, babe, how much does this weigh? And she said, 80 pounds. And I said, how'd you get it in? And she said, the guy helped me.

I said, you guys both did it? And she said, no, he just did it. And now I'm like, fuck, I got to do it by myself now. I'm like, was he big like me? And she said, no, he was like a short motorcycle kind of guy. And I go, fuck, dude. But they got a lower center of gravity. And so they could lift heavier shit without falling over.

But my wife doesn't know about all that shit. She's just going to be like, oh, Chris can't do it. And that shorter guy did. Crip my husband is a pussy. dry dry dry dry dry dry dry so i'm like i got it i got it and i'm like dude it's back day first of all and i'm going to get this 80 pound wine barrel that by the way looks like it's on it's period like why is it all red in places and i i so i do it and i surprised myself i'm like oh yeah it's awkward but i got it dude and i did it and i brought it in the house i brought it in the

house and let me tell you something dude let me tell you something it looks it it I expected to walk in and go, this is, oh, cool. Or, oh, this isn't ready yet, you know, because it's not. She's going room by room. And she's done like one room or two rooms so far. So I walk in and I see this entryway room.

And it is fucking unbelievable. The ceiling is different. Okay? The ceiling of the room is different. the walls are now cement yeah i'm not i'm not bullshit in you there's a new and i shit you not fireplace in it i'm not lying and i'm bringing this 80 pound wine barrel in and this is just the fucking entryway and she's like it's going to be so cool because when you open up these doors music's going to play and there's going to be like a button you can hit that lights up and i'm just like

oh my wife is autistic but a lot of autistic people make a lot of money so it's probably going to be a gold mine I mean look at Elon Musk dude it looks amazing and so I'm like when this goes up dude oh man my boys my boys are going to be like let's just fucking live there maybe I'll just live there just fucking be sick in a wizard house

grow a really long beard too a really long white beard and just just wear flowy clothes and carry around to staff. But just be like the kind of wizard where I don't really do any spells and I'm just like fucking nasty to people, you know? Huh? You want to order fucking postmates? Just me with a long beard. What do you want?

What do you mean? What do you mean you want to pick? It's the same place we fucking always go to. Just you like the stir fry from there. Let me just get the stir fry. You want to look. Okay. You're still going to get the stir fry here.

You go, hold on, put my staff down here. She picks. I get my phone back. See, you got the fucking stir fry anyway. Just with a crystal ball. But, yeah, so it's going to be fucking bonkers, dude. And she's just there all day doing it. And I'm like, and then it's, I'm like, but that's boring, though?

And she's like, it's so fun. And I go, you're an old lady. You're an old lady. Like knitting. Like, you know? Like how old ladies knit for hours. And they'll just be like, I made the baby a sweater. And that's what she does, only with a house.

It's unbelievable. So we're going to have that in a few months and you can come stay in it if you want, you know. God, the world is changing so much. Airbnb, we stated in Airbnb two or three weeks ago. I fucking don't want to do that, dude. Give me a hotel, room service, clean my bed. if I want amenities on you to bring it to me

on a call downstairs I don't want to be in a neighborhood where I'm like is this good or a bad neighbor you know every Airbnb are in there like I don't know how the crime is like here at least in a hotel you know how the crime is every two three years there's probably some kind of fucking murder and beyond that there's assault

but in an Airbnb you're like where is this? Who's the neighbor? Fuck, how annoying would be living next to an Airbnb, you know? Fuck. It's Martin Luther King Jr. today, today, and Calvin woke me up this morning, walked into my room, and he said, Dad, yeah. Is it the Martin of the King Jr. Day? And I said, yeah, actually it is. And he says, what do we do to celebrate? And I'm like, what? And he was like, like, well, like, what? What is it? Is it like Thanksgiving or Christmas? I'm like, oh, no, yeah, you don't really get gifts.

You just kind of, and then I go, I was too tired, but I say, you just kind of remember about him. And he goes, and I'm like, fuck, he's getting, I was gonna ask me, what do you mean? And I'm so tired and he just goes, oh, can I go play? And I said, yeah, go for it. He said, okay. And he runs, then runs back upstairs and he says,

hey, so something interesting has happened. And I go, oh, great, the fucking house is burning down. What's up? He says, there's no internet. And I go, oh, really? All right. Well, it'll turn back on it at some point. And he says, okay.

And he goes downstairs. And then I wake up. I go downstairs. And he's watching TV. And I said, oh, the internet's working now. He said, yeah. I was just joking about the internet not working. And I said, you, what?

And I said, you were? And he said, no. And I'm like, okay, you know, just, what, what is this? conversation any the martin of the king junior day god that's so cute being a dad is legitimately the greatest frinkin thing in the world it's so awesome and if if i had a hundred million dollars oh my god bro it would be like fucking bae base kids i don't know how many kids they have but i would just have so many kids i don't care i just keep splurting and have fathering i just keep fathering that's me What's Chris doing?

No, he keeps fathering. That's what my friend, yeah, you see Chris? No. Yeah, he has fucking 18 children. Really? Yeah, with one woman. Are you serious? She's busy.

Yeah, he's busy too. Just fathering. I'd have, I'd have so many kids. You know, I saw that documentary of the guy that was like Swedish that was trying to go around and like meet women and he kept coming in him. And then he would go jerk off in, uh, what of those, uh, fertility clinics and he would just like go to different fertility clinics and then give him all his semen and then go and every time I was sleep with the woman he'd like try to do it without

economy and he's splurting them and he'd just have like a bunch of kids and they say like the population over near that lives him is with him is like 30% of his family and I'm like oh man that's kind of the shit but also it sucks because you don't have real connections with all your kids and I couldn't do that I don't think I could do that but I go that's kind of dope man to make the whole world you that's crazy Can you matter how annoying it would be if the whole world was me? They just be like a bunch of people. That's actually not what I'm talking about.

What I meant was. So anyway, we watched the football game. We watched the Chicago Bears because my friend likes the Chicago Bears. So I watched the Chicago Bears. And that was some fucking smash mouth football. I don't know what that means, but I heard a guy say it. And dude, the way that they played was crazy because the bear absolutely they call them what the fucking cardiac bears because they get them laid up

do you know about that because they laid they always get they always start coming back at the end of the game and they call them the cardiac bears and then they did they came back and they fucking got the touchdown and then they got through interception and they lost so bears are out and I talked to my friend I was like bro that's a tough loss and he goes yeah man but you know what that's all I wanted is a good season and I'm like ah bro you're not you're not a winner you're not a fucking winner, dude. Neither am I, though. I don't care if someone beats me.

I don't care. I'm one tired fucking motherfucker, though. And I'm on the road, and I never stop. And I guess I want to stop, kind of, but I don't know. I do love what I do. It's weird with no computer. No headphones is actually really weird. I found the computer to work.

One fire fixed it halfway through the episode, so it's all good. The date and time was off because I haven't used it in so long. And I wanted to look at this interview. How does your lake feel today? A guy interviewing one of the Blue Jays. I don't know who that is. Who is that? Do you know? It's an Asian, I guess, baseball player?

Is it like the real Blue Jays or is it like the Japanese league, you know? Am I racist? Oh, yeah. He is a Japan League. Okay. How does your lake feel today? Oh, pretty good. Pretty good.

Pretty good. What happened to you? What happened? Amazing, dude. Amazing to just to the interviewer go, Huh? That's great. So far, this dude's a 10-10.

Kind of knowing the language is so dope, if I'm honest. Not knowing it fully. He's in Japan. The white dudes interviewing him in English. The second thing he said, the second thing he said, he goes, huh? Just crap.

Just a crap? Yeah, just crap. So like crap. So he's got to like a cramp. You told me what can you eat to help you make you feel better? Bananas. Why bananas? Monkeys never clumps.

I mean, just fucking saying, acting like, I mean, I've never seen someone who learned English so basically. Bananas, because of the potassium. Bananas. Monkeys never crump. That's like the most, that's like the first thing you learn. as a Japanese person in English. Monkeys never crump. You know, monkey never crap.

Never crap. Because a monkey everyday bananas, two. So how many did you have today? Three, power three. So no more cramp for you. I need three banana because monkey never claps. Perfect. Thank you. Thank you very much.

I mean, that is unbelievable. that he would. That's the, okay. That's the best, that's a great interview. It's also technically the worst interview I've ever heard in my life, you know,

on a technical level. Monkeys eat, I mean, the guy's just saying monkeys eat two bananas a day and has no idea that that's true or not. I didn't even know, the other day I was actually thinking

and I was like, I wonder if even, and this is, nothing is weird that you bring this up here now because I was the other day thinking, do monkeys actually even eat bananas? I guess they,

do but what else do they eat they don't only eat bananas right they probably eat do they they eat but they don't eat meat do they i don't know what else do monkeys fucking eat cabbage what's out there bark other monkeys and so fruit fruit what nuts leaves dude nuts are good huh you like nuts do you like those brazilian nuts those are fucking bullshit those big ones fuck them matt likes them. I eat almonds. I eat cashews. I eat other ones and I will eat peanuts are nice too. But those big ass Brazilian walnuts are bullshit. Why did God even make those? But two bananas every day. So how many did you eat? Three banana. Wow, dude. It's basic loving it. Suri banana. Suri, dude.

That's how a Japanese guy says three. Suri. Hey. I am going to take my kids to see Zootopia 2 tomorrow. Yay, dude. Never saw Zootopia 1. They love it, though. I wonder if I'll be lost while watching it.

Suri banana. Suri banana. The, uh, oh, Greenland. You know, I'm not political. And I don't like to be political. I want to I I can I I like what I like is to be I like what like Sebastian Manascoco does in Nate Brugatsy they don't even know who they voted for even though you secretly know who they voted for you know

but like I like that they could just day I don't I'm not political baby and dude I put up that thing about how like nobody knows what happened with ICE and that lady it's complicated done there's your clip and dude everyone was literally at my throat I said nothing I did didn't say a thing. People were like, oh, I used to be such a fan. Unfortunately, I have to unfollow because I said, I'm not commenting. And then some people were like, you have no spine. You know what's right. And I'm like, dude, I don't even know what happened. Somebody got shot. I didn't really even kind of see it. The angle to me was bad. And then they just got mad. I didn't even say one way or another. You still don't know how I believe, how I think about that. I wish there were no, I, you know what

was thinking of when I was going to bed the other night, I was like, this is the kind of shit. I think I would go to bed, but I go back a lot. Man, if we just made it, so we should make it so war is only fought with technology and only to the other technology. For instance, you know, if there needs to be a physical war, look, you shut down the person's internet or whatever, they're done, right? They're just done. if you go if you if you if you unplug their router

and you if you just hear one big loud goodbye in Kuwait you can invade you unplug the fucking goodbye America online if you just unplug it you can go in there and bomb everyone and win you don't have to though because they're all like walking around like this because all the lights are hooked up to the internet everything's on the internet so my point is

the make your internet the best ever and then if you need robots you make robots, make the robots fight each other if you want a physical war. And then whoever loses that, they lose the war. Now, here's the thing. I would agree to that if I were the president. I would be like, all right, dude. All right. Look, we will sign off on the, there will be no more fatalities, only messed up robots.

Okay? However, if we win, dude, you better stick to your word because that's the thing they won't stick to their word, right? They won't stick to their word because you'll still get people to go in there. if I if I if but that would be great though because then nobody would die but people are such motherfuckers dude I don't know what kind of world my fucking kids are going to grow up in you know well they're growing up in this one now so I guess I do but it's just like dude who's going to be the next president a frog who's going to be the next president like it could

nothing would shock me it could be fucking Steve Urkel the character not the actor and then when he makes a mistake he would just say did I do that at the press conference Mr. Urgle, Ms. Ergel Mr. Ergel Mr. Ergel what do you think about how you called Tim Walts retarded did I ain't doing that?

Well, I think there's really something wrong with him Amazing. Amazing how President Trump goes like this Fuck you. To a guy that said What he called him a P-Boh-Phill or something? Whoops, believe it out so we don't get to monetized. Why? when I do this podcast, my fucking eyes

get so blurry, dude. It's so weird. It really is truly weird. I cannot fucking see the computer. Maybe I wonder if it's a computer. Um, I can't fucking see. Lorca. This outfit.

Do you understand? Oh my God. You get it. Got stuck in a Lorax outfit? I would, I'd take a, say something right now. If someone got stuck in a fucking Lorax outfit like that and I was around, they're never getting my help.

Dude, I am done, I'm on the couch crying. They can beat the shit out of me. I would rather give up like secret codes to missiles than fucking try to help somebody out of their Lorax outfit like that. God. Dude, because that reminds me of being a kid.

When you're a kid and fucking and you prank someone, I guess you prank someone, but like, you know, somebody is having some sort of like mild hardship. Nothing's funnier than when you're 10 and somebody like can't get out of something. Oh, it's amazing. You split your sides laughing. At least take off your mustache though, right?

The music, you're laughing at me. I cannot open the phone. I have people to call it. This is bullshit. That looks like an agent. What the fuck puts that on, dude? What the fuck puts that on, dude?

also loraxed you know Disney will just be like oh I know that's a fucking Dr. Seuss right yeah never saw my kids like it what kind of accent is that it's a wild accent is a French what is it

back on the abs for the first time ever in over a year this person says um on Tinder hi you are so beautiful and we both smoke weed question though do you like to poop in your tight jeans on purpose

I want a girl who does. Man, kinks are weird, right? Because it's not your fault that you like watching women shit in their own jeans. Oh, that would be a genuine song. Oh, she's going, I want you to shit in those jeans. I want you to in those jeans. I want you to run in those jeans.

And you'd be singing it for a decade before you realize what it meant, right? That's how it was for Pony, the song Pony for me. Come ride it by pony. Let's do it. Jump on it. I'm horny. I didn't know he said that.

I'm horny. Dude, genuine. Who fucking matched genuine? No, I know what you're thinking? Oh, yeah, next with that poke coming do on you. Fuck you. No, it didn't. What happened?

Are people still on Tinder anyway? Did they use it? Yeah? Okay, here, there's another one. Somebody writes, Oh, fuck. Somebody writes, about me. Oh, no, this is their, somebody's about me, I guess.

Love animals, hate the ped trade. Man, people who love animals more than humans are fucking, they're such, they're just, they're just so broken. Ha! You're broken. I like animals better than people because you did you're broken. Figure out how to, hey, you know what I say to those people? Figure out how to like people more.

Your life is sad. You're broken. about me. Love animals. Hate the pet trade. Owls don't have waterproof feathers, and yes, they get wet and can't fly. They do not need your help. What? Leave them alone.

They are aware of this. How the fuck do we know? Are they extinct? No? Hmm. Probably because they have intelligence, and now to take, and no, they said now, to take cover during rain and wait until they dry off. Fun fact, owls don't have waterproof feathers so they can fly. silently. Stealth was maxed out when they created their characters. I'll tell you right now,

I know two or three women that would want to go out on a date with this guy. A hundred, being a hundred, being a hundred right now. One of them I know very well, and she'd fucking love it. But this guy's probably pretty autistic. Um, I text with this dude. That is my friend. He's cool to text with. And then when I see him, I'm just like, I think he's too, he's very autistic and it's hard. And I think that maybe we should just write each other on texting because it's, it's nice as fuck. He's good with the text, honestly. He's like funny. I love it.

It keeps me engaged. But in person, he's just like standing around. And I'm just like, I just grab your phone and I'll walk over there. It sounds like that sounds like him right there, this guy. Here's another one on Tinder. Hey, what's up? I'm 5-1. Have a horrible attitude, and I'm Cuban.

Sad. Oh, no, happy in face. That's the woman. Okay, 5-1's fine. Cuban's fine. Horrible attitude is not good. And some guy, then the guy says, nice, I hate weed.

And then she says, well, this is going to go nowhere, isn't it? Why do you swipe if you have a, if I have a pick holding a shit ton of weed? He said, that's insane. Do you like music? She says, yeah. He says, I hate music. Who's this me? That's me, dude.

I don't like, this was in 2020. I don't like music. I don't like weed. I don't know if I don't like weed. I just don't smoke weed. Smoke weed every day. Love that fucking song. You could run the streets with your dogs.

That song is so good. Run the streets by Tupac. You can run the streets with Joe Doug. I've been waiting for you. I'm in to. I'll be waiting. Can you shit in your jeans? Can you shit in your jeans?

So a mushrooms out. I'll be waiting. I'm on A. R&B, the most specific music of all time. And R&B is the best music of all time and the worst music of all time. Said it. But, you know, that's what it is and that's that. We did it.

Like and subscribe to the video. the video, dude. It helps the algorithm. And also, go to Krissly.com and get tickets to my show. I got my new tour popping it popped off. So come see me, and I'll be in Australia soon. Australia. Good all right. Krista.com.