Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 487. Jacob Oh Lordy!

Episode Date: January 29, 2026

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Runk. Hey, what's up? It's episode 4, 87 probably of congratulations. You know, hello and welcome. Welcome, you've got mail. I was the guy who created that. Did you know that? Welcome, you've got mail.

Wow, that's pretty good, guys. But thanks to Legends, social casino, and sportsbook for sponsoring this episode. I am getting ready to go to Canada, Montreal, Ottawa, and, well, actually, Milwaukee, too. I think that's sold out, but I'm going to a bunch of different areas. I'm going to be kicking off my Australia tour and New Zealand. And I'm going to go to a bunch of different Cincinnati, St. Louis, Sacramento, I think, probably. Go to chrishlia.com and get tickets. Let me get my foot up here like this.

It'll be nice. Oh, yeah, there we go. So it is this go to crystal.com, get tickets. That's really, that's what I was trying to say there. My neck hurts all good. You know, part of this podcast is I go through my inventory on my body and tell you what it hurts. And right now it's my neck. And that's fine because I'll get through it, you know.

Sometimes you just move your neck a certain way and then it's going to be two, three days, as my grandpa would say, of neck pain. But it's okay. You know, honestly, it's okay. America's doing great, huh? So if you, so I let, I was at, well, you know what happened. I was at, so I left my book, The Exorcist, the Exorcist on, I've been reading that book for too long, by the way.

I realize that, okay? I read, I read three books in like two weeks, and I'm still reading The Exorcist. But I have 20 pages left, all right? and the reason why I still the reason why I still have not finished it is because I go to read it and I pass out. By the way, there's a fail-safe way for me to go to sleep.

And that fail-safe is put on a podcast. Any podcast, and I can't stay awake. Is there anything more old-made? than that. I cannot. If you put on a podcast, it could be about me and I'll still fall to sleep, dude. I can't listen. And you know why, dude? I listen to interesting podcasts. You know why? I don't even listen to a podcast. So if it's, so if I want to listen to it, I'm really interested in it. But the more interested I am in something, the more sleepy I get. That's a problem, dude. Maybe I used to think I was narcoleptic, but now I tell you, I work way better.

on no sleep. I really do, besides a podcast thing. Well, you know, because I got no sleep two nights ago and I was just kept waiting to get tired and I didn't, dude. And then last night, what a crunk sleep I got. I mean, and I mean that in a good way. Like, peace up A town down, dude. Like, my gosh, I had the crunkest sleep. And I had the weirdest dreams, dude. If I take Trasidone, which I don't take it all the time, but if I take it, my dreams are just souped up, man. My dreams are just, man, I'll just dream I'm in Japan for a whole day in, in a hotel room. You know what I mean? Not even like out in Japan, just in the hotel room. And then I'll have another dream about, you know, like a comedy club. Like my, my, I'm, I'm out there, dude. My dreams are souped. Um,

So, so, yeah, so I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, B'b-a-loo, B-B-B-B-B-L-L storm watch. Congratulations. Storm watch. Uh, we're, we're, we're here in California. California, it's great. It's 65 degrees. Storm watch. Storm watch. Super good, brought to you by super good, super good storm watch. but the rest of the country is in shambles, dude. All of my friends, all of my foes out there in, you know,

New York and Austin and down south, it'd be going crazy down there and they'd be getting, you know, power outages, people in Nashville, there's like hundreds of thousands of people about power. I don't know how they're going to be playing the guitar and setting up their little kind of like makeshift stages

where there can just Blair country music out that they play outside of a bar. I don't know how they're going to be doing that. They're not going to be doing that. And so I, they kept on moving my flight, you know, because they just like, dude, like, just tell me, you know, don't, don't, you're a company and I know you want the money. But like, come on, don't be texting me for four and a half days. Just so you know, we just so you know, we don't really know what's going to happen with this

flight. Just so you know. all right, man, so good. So now you're giving me an ulcer because I don't know if I'm going to be able to make it out. By the way, don't tell me until you know it's not. Don't even give me the option

because an airline will just text you and be like, if you want, we'll give you a one time rescheduling with no fee and you're just like, dude, now I'm scared. You know? Just tell me it's canceled if it's canceled. Don't tell me it might be canceled.

If you have, if it is nine degrees in West Niac and the storm starts at 7 a.m. On Sunday and your flight leaves at 6 a.m. And you got, you're not sure going to bed Saturday night. If the roads are going to be blocked or the wind is going to be coming down too hard, while your plane takes off, so you may stay on the ground and now just live in West Niac, you might be canceled.

Your flight might be canceled. Jeff Plainsworthy. And so, Jet Foxworthy. If the snow's coming down, and when you look outside that little hole of that window, it's moving sideways, you might be canceled.

Jet Foxworthy. New Netflix special. Your flight might be canceled. But, uh, so I got on the plane and, you know, I took, I take out all my stuff.

and I put it on the thing I was in one of those bigger pods so I had like a table and stuff and a desk and a couch and then office space and a bed and then kind of like a bistro area

and when I walked in the door of it I set everything down right I turn on the TV and then I lit some candles and I set everything down and what happened was I took the book out the exorcist I go 20 pages left gonna finish it gonna finish it and so I read it so I put it down

did the flight and instead of reading it guess what I did kind of like half slept a little bit but also watched F1 and also watched another movie that I forget. Oh, no. Yeah. Hey, hey. Oh, a lurker, right? Hey, okay, first of all, F1, bye. Okay?

Okay. Hey, F1, F, C, yeah. Dude. F1 stands for fuck one movie, this one. Dude, hey, it's, you know what's up with F1? It's fine. You know what it is? It's movie.

That's what it is. And I don't, and I don't, and by the way, if it didn't get nominated for best picture, I'd be fine. Mum's the word, dude. But not mom's the word when you're going to award a nomination to F1. No, dude. It's just, it's just movie. That's what it is. That is, you know what it is?

it's it's some movie it's some movie it's like when someone's eating popcorn and you say can i have some and then you put your hand in and you take some that's how much movie it is it's just some of it and it's fine but if you want to award f1 with best picture yadima it's just not it's just not cool dude Brad Pitt's just just lounging around in that movie, just casually kind of just saying lines lounging around, you know? They should just call that movie Pitts lounging around in parentheses car racing. Dude, it's, I mean, like, and it's,

and this is the most offensive part of the movie. I'm going to be honest with you. It's not bad. it's just fine it's like you know what it's like it's like a 60 year old guy goes to the movie goes to the movies sees that comes back and and is like you know with his family and then later on that weekend has like a a thing that he has to go to with his wife and the wife it's his wife's thing and then he's there, and he sees another guy that he knows there at the function,

and he's like, yeah, I saw that F1 movie. And then the other guy's like, oh, I didn't see that yet. And then the first guy's like, yeah, you know, it's pretty good. I think Brad Pitt did a pretty good job. That's what that movie is, dude. Do you understand? That, exactly that is what that movie is. Okay?

So don't nominate it. And I don't know. Hey, dude, I love Brad Pitt. All right? it's just so you know what that movie was so not good or bad that I fell asleep

with 10 minutes left and I don't care last time I did that was I watched the full season of Luke Cage and then didn't watch the last episode because I don't cut my losses bro I watched I'll never watch an episode

of Luke Cage so there you go and that's some real shh But so, what do you call it? You know, I watched that movie. And by the way, let's also talk about another thing that shouldn't have happened with Oscar nominations. And I didn't even know this.

But did he win the Golden Globe? Jacob, oh, Lord. Did he win the Golden Globe for playing Gruntman? Dude, this is ridiculous, okay? That... At Medcan, we know that life's greatest moments are built on a foundation of good health, from the big milestones to the quiet winds.

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he didn't, okay, well, he's nominated for, uh, for, uh, best Oscar,

all right, best supporting role. If you nominate Jacob, how load, for best Oscar, then you should have nominated Cuba Gooding Jr.

for Lightning Jack with Paul Hogan. Because he played a mute and he was better than grunt, man, dude. And I have no problem with Jacob. How low it? But I actually do, though, because he's very, you know, he's very tall, but woke, you know? Being tall and woke is just not it, bro. That's not the combo you want, man. He's got a great body and it's fine, even when it's green and scarred up in that movie. And okay, so he gets nominated for, here's what I don't like too. He got, he went,

he put himself in for best supporting actor. Bro, everyone knows Frankenstein. He, even though is Frankenstein is the doctor, that the main part of Frankenstein is the monster, dude. Okay? So you don't get to do that, man. You're not Sam Jackson and Pulp Fiction. You're playing the main guy. And then Margot Robbie says that, Jacob, oh, lor-da, is the modern-day Daniel-Lewis. Oh, Lordy.

Get out of here. Daniel-D-Lewis, the greatest actor of all-time Margot Rabi, just, trying to, honestly just trying to stroke a little bit. But dude, he's a good looking dude. And you know what? He's a good actor. This is it. I'm not hating on anything. I am not hating. This is a very positive podcast today. That movie was great. Frankenstein was fantastic. Loved it. Should it have been nominated for Best Picture? Maybe. Should Jacob, how low did it get nominated for Best Supporting Actor? No. Why? Because he grunted the whole time and just chilled. And you know what?

It's not that hard to do. He said it! Dude. And F1 was an absolutely fine movie, and that's what made it worse, dude. I'm so, I should be on the Associated Press or whatever the hell they call that. I should be on the, not the Associated Press. What the hell do they call it?

For the, on the committee for voting, whatever it is. Whatever it is, I should be on the Oscars. The Academy. I should be in that and and and and and you know I really should be in that because dude it's just ridiculous you're going to nominate nominate then not what here's me at the meeting then why didn't we nominate Kubuggan Jr and Lightning Jack ah ah ah ah ah ah you don't have an answer to that you pause cat got your tongue cat got your tongue that's me at the meeting when we're voting for Oscars oh cat caught your tongue oh oh oh cat got your tongue are you going to

Oh, F1, you're going to do that best picture? Oh, what about the Aaron Paul vehicle need for speed? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay, get your tongue. Oh, no, let's just do too fast, too furious with Luke, what's his name? Not the regular cast, the second, the second, the one that takes place in Japan. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay, your tongue. Luke, uh, from the, to NCIS? Yeah, he pretty much.

Nobody realizes this, but he's playing a Southern Ace Ventura. Ha, ha, how, Kankai Tung! What's his name, Luke? Something? Whatever, dude. He believes in Jesus, obviously. Because just listen to him. Lucas Black, ah!

Oh, Kekang! Dude, no, no, no, no. You know what? Okay, that's fine. Let's nominate F1. Let's retroactively go back and nominate the need for, the Aaron Paul vehicle needs for speed. And also, uh, uh, uh, uh, the, the chase with Charlie Sheen, where he's in the car the whole time.

Ha! Kakiang! And the one that takes place and the, and whatever. And me, that's me telling some French dude who fucking is like a, uh, uh, DP to pipe the fuck down because he doesn't know what he's talking about. Pipe down, dude. Uh, and the, and the fast and furious that took place to Japan with, with Lucas Black. who obviously is religious because listen to him. Oh,

dude, I'm out of here, you fucking guys. Don't know what the fuck movies are like. Nominate better movies, dude. And then I go, he and fucking moonwalk out of there. I just don't, you know, it's like, it's such a suck-off athon that it's just like, it's not even real. And so whatever, it is what it is.

But, you know, look, he went him against the Oscars this year, the Oscars. Um, but yeah. So, you know, don't. Yeah. So I watched that F1 and then I watched another movie. And then it's just like, so I took my exorcist book out and put it on the desk part area. And when I left the plane, I packed everything up and I went home.

And then when I went to read the book last night, I realized Scoopsie Daisy, but I left it on the friggin' plane. Oh, wait, I can't put the whole thing. We get to monetize it. Scoopsy Daisy, dude. Friken Scoopsy Daisy. Dude, I'm going to open up on ice cream shop and called Scoopsy Daisy. Oh, yeah, dude. Do we still have that?

Back up the freaking Brinkstra. Dude, hey, oh, we're going to, you know what, dude, somebody literally heard it right there and then put it pat on it because that's too good. How's it not an ice cream place called Scoopsy Daisy? And I don't mean, because somewhere maybe there is, I mean in every fucking city, you pieces of shit. Ha ha, dude. You know.

But I don't, you know, I'm harsh. I'm harsh. Speaking of harsh, dude. I say the thing, what do you read? Oh, wow. There's a scoopsie daisy in Spring, Texas. And it's a dog scooper company. Well, not as tasty or more, depending on who you are.

I will say, speaking of harsh, bro, look, the fucking ice stuff is crazy. It's, just. I know I say I'm not commenting on it. And then everyone gets fucking nuts because they say, if you're talking about it, you might as well just not say anything. Dude, I understand it's a severe issue. My point is I want this podcast to be an escape.

And also, let's stop shooting people in the back of the head. Okay? I get it. It's awful. It's a really hard situation. and it just is just so sad. And I am, I do not think people should be shot in the back of the fucking head.

Unless they're the fucking people who nominated Jacob, hollowed it for fucking, yeah, but, you know, it's, you know. uh so uh i got that so i don't have the exorcist book anymore and i don't have the 20 and you know what i got i realized i have the voice the not the voice thing the uh the audio book so i'm like okay i will just listen to the last uh last uh 20 pages of it but then i go can't you might be like why not chris it's just

20 pages. Well, let's rewind back to the beginning of the podcast when I said, I can't listen to podcasts without falling asleep. So what the fuck do you think a book is going to be like? Dude, there's no way. So I went to Barnes & Noble to get another $19 copy of The Exorcist. I knew right where it was this time because I just bought it a month ago. Walk right up. look hey just walk right up got it went in line now this is this is now this is the reason god this is so me this is the reason why i'm telling this story we're 21 minutes into the podcast okay this is the reason i started to tell the exorcist story which which by the way uh just happened and i was going to do a story on my instagram about it i go no you know what i'm going to talk about

on my podcast. So here it is. And it's 22 minutes into this podcast. I still even haven't gotten to it. All right. So this is how, and when I say this, this is how annoying it is to just kind of be around me. And you guys choose to every week. Like and subscribe. Um, so I get the book and I'm at the line. I'm in line, right, Barnes & Noble because, first of all, man, Barnes & Noble, I don't even really understand how they do it, but there's so many of them, and they're all so big. And I'm supposed to think that we're not in some sort of simulation. Oh, yeah, they're that big.

And you have every book in the world, okay. And multiple copies, okay. and it's always packed even in January after Christmas. And I'm supposed to think that we don't live in the Matrix. Okay. Okay. No, no, no. I hear you.

Just explain that. Oh, can't get your tongue. Bro. Who's all going? Nobody reads books. Less and less people read books. whoever's in control of the, what do you call it? The Matrix or the simulation, you're fucking up with Barnes & Noble.

You're fucking up. People are realizing, I'm realizing. Okay. Still even have I gotten to the story, by the way, 24 minutes in. Whenever, you know what? I never realize how annoying I am to my wife until I'm doing this podcast. And then I go, oh, I get it. I get it.

So I get the exorcists. I wait in line and they always try to trick at Barnes & Noble. They put the fucking shit right there that you'd want to buy right while you're in line. Like some one of those fucking things that you'll squeeze the bottom of. It's like a nutcracker guy. You'll touch the bottom button and it'll crumple. You know what I mean? They have those and you're like, I don't know, I don't know.

I should fucking buy one. Is that $4.99? I don't buy that. But I didn't. I'm no sucker. And then I hear, over here. I half hear this. Open over here.

But I don't realize I hear it. And then I see a lady go like this. Hey, open over here. And I go, oh, I did hear that. I said, you know what? I didn't even realize there was somebody over here. I thought I heard something. And I realized, oh, shit.

While I'm saying this, I realize, oh, shit. I'm in a good mood. You ever be talking sometimes and you go, what the fuck am I doing? Being so friendly. Hello. But I want you got and it might be hard to handle. Just on a montage later on with that person skipping near a fountain. And a flames burning candle licking fucking ice cream cones with the person.

Candle feeds the flames. Making sweet love to them in their apartment later on by candlelight. man making our dreams come driving home in shame because you have to you fucking gonna have to lie about where you were making art not that's not that funny dude that's not disrespectful it's not funny i don't like that i did that but it's funny if foreign montage if someone else was in it uh like like paul giamati and it would be fucking hilarious you know but anyway especially if he was in that movie where he gets really blue and it was after he was that that movie with the Malcolm in the middle guy.

What's like, Frankie Munis, where he, where, Frank Jimenez makes him all blue. And then, and then Paul Gimani's blue driving home. And he has to go to his home to his wife. Anyway, dude, God, I'm so annoying. So, so here's what happened. So I walk over there and I go, oh, man, I'm in a nice big fat liar. Yes, he got it without any prompts.

Dude. So I, so I get. up to the lady and I go, oh shit, I'm in a good mood. And I look to her face because I want to see how capable she is of receiving my good mood. I, I, I, this is what I'm thinking. I go, I hope she's got a like nice face on to receive my good mood because I said it and then I looked at her. All right. And it was an older lady. So I go, okay, could go either way, right? Because either you meet an older lady and she's so, so nice or she's a, you know, it's like, dude, you're just waiting to die.

You know what I mean? Men too. Well, you know, it's like, oh, I, you know, it may make up their minds in like, men who make up their mind, like around 65, they go, all right, I'm going to be, all right, I'm going to be just sweet because I've lived a great life.

Or they're going to be like, ah, death is coming. So fuck you and give me those butterscotch. Like, who the fuck he's butterscotch besides? I've never had a butters thing. What's that Wurther's original fucking commercial? The old Wurther's original. original commercial that used to air,

that it seemed like it was also even older than that. You know? That and the Cadbury Egg commercials, it's like, dude, make a fucking new one for fuck's sake, dude. Stop running those fucking old commercials, man. Cadbury eggs. The bunny.

That bunny's been dead for fucking 35 years. The Worther's original person in the commercial, they died a week later. They were so old in that commercial because they know it's for fucking old. people. They've been dead for a fucking century. Hey guys, want to interrupt here to talk to a little bit about Legends. That's with a Z. It's the last chance. First of all, Legends is a sports book and social casino. It's a beautiful place. Go to Legends.com to check it out and you can get a chance

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highly impressive entrepreneur, and career builder, an absolutely stunning sexy beast David Falk. That is a hauler. Go to holler.combe, slash Christalia if you want to get a shout out on this podcast.

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See Golden Nuggettcasino.com for details. Please play responsibly. Anyway, I still haven't told the story. 20 fucking 8 minutes into the goddamn shit. But this is the reason, this is so me, because this is the reason why I want, I wanted to tell this story. And this story, without the lead up 30 minutes to this story, is so me. Me, just even thinking about this interaction is so me. And then me not even be able to be telling it to you guys for 30 minutes because I'm, I got to, I got to mention big fat liar and Jacob, oh Lord,

to get nominated for Frankenstein. Um, so I, I, I get up there and I go, that's fine. I knew I heard something. I guess it was you. There was somebody there. And I go, oh, shit. Good mood. Mayor O'Wan, let's see if I have a council member.

And I look at her face. No council member. She gives kind of like a, I will give you a smile necessarily, not necessarily because I want to, but because I work here. so I go, fuck, I wasted a good move mood on someone waiting to die. But I don't let it get to me. I pay for the book.

$19. I'm about to leave. She says, do you want a bag? I say, no, no. I say, no, no thanks, because I'm nice, but also who wants a bag for one book, you know? You got to pay 49 cents for it. Dude, the other day, I was out to fucking, uh,

gas station. I bought like a something, you know, water. Oh, no, it's not the gas station, the airport. I bought a water or like a protein drink. And they fucking were like, you want a bag? And I was like, oh, no, no, I bought it. And then I said, oh, by the way, can I have a bag? And they said, oh, we got to charge it for a 49 cents. And I was like, okay, I'll just buy. Not for even the money, but it's like, what? Go fuck yourself. Go F1 yourself. So, so I'm like, great. I wasted this good. mood move on this lady who's waiting to die but it's all good because I'm not going to let

her ain't nobody's not my mind ain't anybody going to hold me down oh no I got to keep on moving. Remember that song? You know that song. I guess you don't have to remember a song because it's still anybody going to break my pride. Anybody going to slow me down. Oh no

got to keep on more that's my version. So got it. I hate people take liberties. I'll get to the story dude. I know people are fucking frustrated. It's been 31 minutes. So I get, I get the book and she says, you know, and I go, fuck yeah, bro. Here we go. Here we go. This is, this is where it's at. This is where I live. This is right here. This is where I live. I got a fucking whole house here. No, you know what? I got a cul-de-sac. I got a cul-de-sac right here. I play outside.

on the fucking gravel, on the blacktop with a bunch of, with my kids and some friends and some other friends kids and we're throwing around the football and it's a great, it's a great time and it's fucking, you know what I mean? 6.30 p.m.

and the sun's going down and there's lightning bugs, dude. Like I, I legit, what the fuck happened to lightning bugs? Are they still around? Oh, only on the East Coast, but I never seen. We're the fuck a. and I'm supposed to believe we're not in a simulation

all of a sudden lightning bugs just turn off F1 and so I'll get to the story but I mean that's crazy that you don't see fucking lightning bugs anymore where the fuck they are they turned off in protest for ice

against ice so no so she says I'm just ready I'm ready I'm at home dude she's going to talk to me when I already realized I wasted a good mood move on her. Okay.

Okay. Hi. And she says, you know what? When this book first came out and I go, wait a second, I was wrong. This lady's going to tell me a whole story. I misread her face. She is a council member after all. She's in my cul-de-sac.

she's the grandma of my friend's name you know what I mean and like she's with the kids do and she's come on kid you know what I mean she's so sweet and I go oh fuck oh and I'm so pleasantly surprised so I don't have to now I don't have to be angry I get to be happy she says you know when this book first came out um my my my my grandmother we were at this baby shower and I go hold the phone not only are you going to tell me a story you're going to get personal I was

I was right there bro with her I say you're going to get personal in my head I go you're going to get personal yeah she's going to get personal she says my grandma said we were at a baby shower and my grandma said you know I read that book that God awful book. I was reading that book and they never should have made it. And in my head, I go like this. I have the thing to say to absolutely drive this conversation home into the next stratosphere. Like I, and I had it locked and loaded. And I'm not going to tell what it is until the

end of the conversation. Okay. But I was, I was geek in, bro. Because I, I, I, I, realized, not only was I in a good mood, surprisingly realizing when I said, oh, I saw somebody over there. I didn't think I know, I didn't know where it was coming from. Now, I, it's like, it took me to the dark side because I go, I wasted it on her face. And then pleasantly surprised the whole time. She was actually a really nice, sweet lady. So I was even doubly happy. So now I've got, I really hope this conversation can steer towards this thing that I have to say at the end of it. So I go, sweet, I'm in my head, I'm like, sweet lady, you're going to be so pleased. with how I fucking end this conversation.

She said, she said, dude, I was, I was on fire, bro. She says, so she says how the book is so bad and awful and never been written. And you know what I thought? And I said, why'd you read the whole thing? And she said, why'd you read the whole thing? Now, you're probably listening to this story thinking, wow. He really did have the thing to cap that conversation and ended pushing it into the level of the next stratosphere. And guess what, dude?

That wasn't even the thing that I had locked and loaded. That was just off the cuff. That wasn't even the end of it because I had already, I still had the end thing to say. And I looked right at her and I said, well, yep, nowadays you can read worse stuff on Twitter. Dude, and I walk out, and I looked at her face and she honestly, she can give me enough. But I tell you this, I already established the fact that she was the kind of person that doesn't really give it up with her face, right? But she is a secret council member.

So I was like, oh, dude, you know what, I'm not going to let that get to me. Ain't anybody going to have my pride? And anybody can hurt me down Hot no, it got to keep on moving Gonna be in Bons and Noble Gonna say what I won't not realize And not be codependent, oh About the 70 year, a woman

Dude, and I went to my And I go, I fucking nailed that conversation And then I go If that were in a movie, dude It would be so regular And it would be an F1 Dude, and You know what, dude

It wouldn't be good but the fact that I pulled it out in real life, dude, Crem day. Crem. It's just, and that kind of stuff gets me going. And I'll tell you what, if I can just lock into this moat.

That's been making me feel good since it happened. And I don't know what disorder that is, right? But it's whatever it is, it's also a superpower. And if I could just lock into that mode forever, bro, I would be the happiest dude in the world. And I'll tell you what, also. I would be fucking, I would, I would live that, whatever that lady's age was, that she would be

half the age now that I live, because I would just be so happy my body would be willing. And that was why I wanted to tell this story. Now, we're 38 minutes into the podcast. And I finally got to it, dude. And you're probably like, you know, some people, this is, some people would hear that and be like, who fucking cares? And I call those people my wife. And that's fine.

I get it because day in and day out where I'm doing that is annoying. But you guys get it, dude. You guys get it. Or you don't. And you're just like, fuck this guy, you know? But like, that's what this podcast is about. So that is why we try to take a break from the world and the happen. and why it's so fucked up.

So excuse me, dude, if mum's the word when it comes to politics over here on this podcast, because I want to talk about the fucking inner workings of a Barnes & Noble experience. This just happened a fucking hour ago. Oh, fuck, man. Ain't anybody gonna take my pride?

Ain't anybody gonna roll me now? Slow me down. Roll me down. The hill. Um, bro. Whatever, dude. My dog died. Honestly, it's not funny.

But, but, but, but so, and I know butters died, but I had another dog that died. And it's so sad. It really is actually. It sucks. It's sad. And it made me sad. It actually was devastating to me. And now I'm regretting that I did the renter thing.

But we keep, you know, just because you're laughing. and doesn't mean you also you know sometimes you're hiding the pain you know pety the fucking one year old one dog a dog was one it's really sad dude sorry for bringing it down um but yeah he did he passed away from uh eating magnets man from like toys and they were just like in his They had to take him get surgery It was going to cost 15 grand And we said do it

And um It didn't work And he had cardiac arrest And died And it was It really fucked me up man To be honest it was It fucked me up more than

Butter's death Which was Butters was 13. And it wasn't because it was more painful, but it was because it was more like shocking and like, like freak, you know? And it just, it really fucked me up. Also, I wasn't home. So he was pissing and pooping and like throwing up.

And we found these toys that were. bitten and we were like, oh no, he bit the magnet part. So we brought him in. Because if you eat one magnet, you smooth sailing. If you eat two, those motherfuckers will meet in different areas in your body and then get together and fuck you. They'll fuck you up. They'll be in your intestines and they'll be different parts, not moving. And you just get poisoned. And I didn't know that. I should of realized that that is what happens but he so that's what happened and he brought him to brought him in and they they did the you know surgery and and and i was coming home from west niac so it's two days ago two days ago and uh uh you know my wife calls me and she's like he she says

PD died and she's you know crying of course i mean it's it's not it's like i'll never hear i'll never forget that moment you know like it was really uh dis um unsettling you know and um it really fucked me up dude and i and i and i'm like oh my god i'm so sorry i you know i don't know what to say in those moments you don't know what to say i i i i didn't even know i loved this dog this much you know what i mean but it's like devastating to me i just i literally was like thought the dog was annoying i thought and and now i'm like really upset but i'm not as upset as christin because she was with the dog all the time and cuddling and it's only been a year so you think like oh that wouldn't be as bad as like butters who's but it was worse because in a way it was worse because of the

the freakiness of it man and and and and it's just sad and and and and and every now and then I remember it you know it's been two or three days and not every now and that I mean it's on my mind a bunch but like sometimes I'll be doing something when I'm at the gym I'm at the gym I'm working out and then I'll be like oh man yeah dog died and and and it it really uh it really fucked me up and and we're get we're you know Christian she went with our nanny and she was like let's go look go see PD and say bye even though he's passed us I was like I was like I'll stay with the kids you know I don't need to see that and you know poor guy I think I don't know she wanted it for like closure or something or some symbol for her and

they both went you know women like to like grieve really hard and men like i didn't cry you know and i'm like is that okay but then i'm like i guess guys kind of don't really do that but then i'm like but i'm pretty sensitive i guess it was just the mood but it was coming off of that conversation i fucking brookstone or uh barnslo one no it wasn't that was after that but um so they come back from the hospital and my nanny walks in and she's like hey um i said where's christin and she said in the car with piti and i was like what they took him home and i go oh my god well don't i don't want the kids to see this you know So I went out there. And I never really, you know, I was with butters when he passed because they put him to sleep.

But this time, I was like, okay, you know, he was in this blanket. Petey was in this blanket. And I mean, Kristen was just bawling, holding Petey. And I was trying to be there for her. And I'm just like looking at this puppy's face, you know. and it was just so sad and and I the whole time I was like how how do I ask why did you bring him home without sounding insensitive you know like how do you do that because I because I I I want I didn't I didn't know what we were going to do with him and also I feel bad

And maybe like, maybe like, no, like one percent of it was like why wasn't I included in this conversation? But I understand she needed it. So it's okay. But so I get, you know, we're going to bury him in the. And I'm like, oh my God, I've never done that. I've never buried anything before, you know, besides my feelings. And we brought into the backyard and she was like, will you dig a hole? and I'm like, I think, like, is it hard?

You know? Because like digging, yeah, one or two digs is like, okay. But then like it gets harder as the ground gets deeper because it's more packed. And then also cardio. So I'm like, oh, fuck, dude. How long do I? Yeah. But I say, yeah, because she needs it obviously.

And I'm the man. I'm not going to make her shovel. And also, I'll take pride in it, you know. So I start digging in the backyard. And I'm, uh,

uh, it's fucking, have you ever dug a hole, dude? It's, it's too, you know, it is too hard. It,

it shouldn't be that hard. It should be a little, easier ground and there's so many rocks which you probably don't even realize it in the earth and you keep hitting them and i'm like the first few digs i'm like you know i mean piti was small right but he was not mini you know he was like still and i'm like in my head i'm like as i'm digging i'm like we probably gotta dig it a fucking, it probably has to be deep. Because you can't,

you can't just like do it like it's a fucking, like their bed covers, because then a coyote will come in and just be like, so I'm like, oh fuck, I gotta be so digging. There's so many rocks, dude. I was out there digging a hole by myself

for I don't know how long. And I'm not getting anywhere, dude. It's like one, foot deep, finally, and this big. And I'm like, can we put him in the long ways so we can just fuck it? You know what I mean? Like, how do we?

He's not wide. It's too wide to the, and rigor mortis set in. So I'm like, I don't know how to fucking, you know, I don't mean to be graphic, but I'm like, dude, how do we do this? The 1% of my head was like, why was that part of this conversation? Came back a little bit more. I'm like, for fuck sick. I'm out here, Duke digging.

I have fucking back day tomorrow. do you know what I mean? So I did it. And, you know, it was something was very, it was emotional. You know, it was really emotional. And it was something very, there was something therapeutic about it, actually, I think.

You know? And I was, I'm the, you know, I don't really think about these things too much, but like it was kind of therapeutic and then also uh uh you know i do have that thought of how like now he's in the backyard and then i went to go check on the hole today or the you know because i patched it all up it was sad you know she said bye and i said bye and then um we put it put the thing on and i was like man i don't know if it's dig i googled in there like you have to make it at least fucking three feet.

I'm like, I think I made it too. And I'm like, I hope I can go out tomorrow. It's not dug up by some fucking, you know, rabbits. Or I just go out there now and there's a fat snake out there now. And it was fine. It looked fine. So I was like, I guess we did it. And then I'm like, am I Native American?

I'm like technically like a little bit because of that. felt you know felt you know i don't know if you know if you've ever done it but whole thing's sad man when you get a pet it's like dude you're just what's that thing bill burr said you just like it's like you're getting a uh you're just paying for heartache in in 15 years or whatever the fuck i don't know you said it funny but i don't even know if you said it but i thought he did um sometimes i think people said something and it's just something i thought of like a eight years ago and I'm like oh fucking really Louis Anderson didn't say that

um you know you see that documentary on the on Netflix dude their documentaries they make now are like it's like some guy handled toothpaste back in fucking 2005 and you're like

when what happened and they're like he was just whatever it's the toothpaste handler fucking check it out six part miniseries and you're like watching it and you're like oh yeah I guess it's kind of interesting but like, what the fuck are they taught? Who cares? And then you just go into like

during the times. I don't like when documentaries also explore the times. If you're making a documentary about a fucking thing, don't also explore the times of it. Tell me about the fucking thing in depth. I'm a guy who will tell a 45-minute story

about meeting an elderly woman at Barnes & Noble. So, yeah, so the fucking it was called mall. We live at the mall. or some shit you see that one out there it's like mall apartment these kids basically just when they were 20 some i want to say kids but they were younger adults and they uh they they in providence they gentrified providence by putting a whole mall there like a really one of the biggest malls luxurious

malls and uh it like other businesses started coming in and rents renting studios out and it made the kids have to relocate. Okay, I said kids, they're 20 something. Made them have to relocate. And they got pissed off. And so they, they were at the mall and they realized there was like this hidden part of the mall that nobody knew about. And they could live there.

And they lived there for, I think it was like four years. And the documentary is just about that. And it's boring. Okay. and also how they how they do they do two things you think of you go how'd they do that and then you think oh who cares and and then they're interviewing these people and it's like who were there like the people who lived in the mall and stuff and they were talking about it and they were talking about it like how cool it was and i'm like hey motherfuckers you suck i get big big

mall corporate America, you know, whatever the fuck. Big business is shitty. But you don't get to live at the mall, dude. And be and and and and have it be 25 years later and still have think, man, those are the glory days. How great was that? Hey, you're annoying. All of the people in it, I was like, man, these people fucking suck. Like you were supposed to think, oh, this is.

so cool. Look how they did it. I don't. Hey, get a fucking place. Excuse me. You can't live above Jay Crewe and Orange Julius. It was, but I don't know. It's like, dude, Netflix just got it kind of, it's like, it pissed me, it pissed me. It pissed me. Um, and, uh, and I didn't want to, and I didn't want to watch it. And so instead, I did something else while I did it. And it was on in the background. And then I realized It's all the same to Netflix. What the fuck do they care? They got me. Oh, it just got me.

You know? It's all for Netflix. It's all they got it. That's what they want. You heard Matt Damon and Ben Affleck talking about how they don't even, you got to be reminded about what the fuck you're watching every three minutes. That's why they say the rip so much in the rip. They say it so much.

Fuck, the bad guys are here. The rip. Should we just do a two-parter? Should I just keep going? I wonder if I could do that and just make the second part for Patreon Okay Well I'll just keep going then

Yeah we do have Oh on the card Okay I didn't see the rip And Yeah yeah yeah So now is tune in For the next part

If you got the Patreon Bye