Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 489. Oh My Gosh Pastrami

Episode Date: February 5, 2026

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Runk. My players, it's episode 489 of congrinculations. Hey guys, thanks to legend social casino and sportsbook for sponsoring this episode. It is on and popping. And I am, you know, I'm feeling good. I got my Australia dates up. I got my New Zealand dates up. I got my Cincinnati dates up.

my St. Louis date up, my, you know, I'm going to be Austin. I'm going to be a lot of different places, man. So it's going to be on. And that's good. I am excited to, I was in Milwaukee last week. Oh, it was, it was six degrees. Okay. It's too freaking cold. And what I, man, I, I, I landed and then I went to bed. woke up. Wait, actually, was that what happened? I don't even remember. Dude, it's so crazy how your life just becomes a, it just a blur. Like people, I've been on the road for now for a very long time, you know, for years, just kind of doing my job, love it. And I have vivid memories of places where I don't know where they were. You know what I mean? And that's cool. It makes me feel like I work hard. But I was in Milwaukee this past weekend. And,

And it was, yeah, I woke up and whatever it was when I woke, I don't know when I went or when I got there. Whenever I woke up the first time, I looked out the window and it was, the snow was going this way. Like it was just like from some sideways thing, not from the sky. So the thing I love about the Midwest and Milwaukee and stuff like that, you know, there are obviously the ups and downs and down. pros and cons for living there, but, you know, weather's a huge con. But they don't care if it snows. They go, oh, but I got concert tickets. And they go anyway.

So that was really great. The theater there, or the improv club, it's like a theater there. It's really nice. And, man, it was for the, I was, I was, because it's so, I don't what the weather. has to do with me like being homesick and oh i guess being homesick makes sense because i want to be where it's warm which is los angeles which well i i live close to los angeles but california's weather is just bonkers great it's just you know i i think about how expensive it is to live here and you know sometimes the politics are annoying and how hollywood is is very fake and and people are pick me pick me um

you know uh but then you go oh but the weather either. It's just awesome. Um, like this dude asked me to go golfing today. And I'm like, maybe. I haven't golfed since I was 12, but outside sounds nice. You know, sometimes it's kind of cool being, I was thinking about this the other day. I think it's, if I had to, if you take fame, if you take fame the pros and cons you're talking about the places if you take fame the pros and cons and i'm not talking about money okay i'm talking about fame uh fame the the pros and cons probably i think because i've been both not famous and also somewhat famous right so uh i think the pros and cons i think it weighs out exactly the same it might it might be

it might be worse. It might be worse to be famous. Now, you add money that often comes with fame. Of course, I'm not talking about that. I'm just talking about the fame. But, you know, because sometimes, like today, like the guy who asked me to go golfing was a former Dodgers player. And I was just like, dude, that's, that would,

that's some guy's dream to go golfing with a former Dodger. And I didn't, but only because I don't do golf. And also if he was, I would have slowed him down. A little bit of an insecurity with me. I'm like, dude, I would, what am I going to get? A 465 and he's going to just like, oh, I'm below par. I'm like, yeah, yeah, well, I'm. So I didn't do that.

I went to the gym instead and I did my, you know, I worked out my legs. Yeah. So. But we don't have to talk about that. It's personal. And then I went to go get chicken and rice, bro. And I ate that in such a great, quick, manly fashion that I actually think if anybody saw me eating it, women would think it was sexy and men would turn gay. I just think I handled it.

I think I absolutely handled the chicken and rice, eight ounces of chicken and over and a cup overflowing of rice. And I handled it. sometimes I'm eating or no no this has nothing to with eating sometimes I'm just being I would say I'm very aware of everyone around me all the time you know and I think a lot of that has to do with being observing because I'm a comedian and I'm looking for not that I'm looking for things that are funny but I love noticing things that are funny so I've always got that awareness right and then I'm sometimes I'm like man some people are just in their own worlds and I think about what are they thinking of when they're not looking around dude

Oh, boy. I think this O-Zem-Pic thing's going crazy, because I saw a woman at the gym that immediately, within three weeks, she just lost a crazy amount of weight. And I go, what? And she didn't even need to. She looked fine.

Now she just looks thin. And it's crazy. So put Ozempic. I want to, you know what I want to? This is terrible, but people with the fat loss thing, they just jump on it and then explain it away. They think, like, you take Amy Schumers of the world where it's just like, oh, body positivity, drug comes out to make them thinner, takes it.

And it's like, there should be a consequence for that, you know? For being that hypocrite, what is it? Hypocrity. Yeah, I mean, it is. But for being that, because some, you know, there's two kinds of hypocritical. hypocritical number one oh you go uh i know i'm being hypocritical but i'm going to do it anyway who cares i don't want to look i don't want to look like i was wrong i'm just going to do it and i'm going to explain it away but then there's the other kind of person that's just like i'm not being hypocritical

but you're literally be that's what you're doing and i don't know what's worse probably the first one because then you're just being dumb people get a pass you know um but yeah there should be some kind of like you should you should if you're if you're a hypocrite like if you're become a hypocrite like that, I think probably like a good, a good thing I have is if you pick up a guitar at a party to play it and, and make everyone stop talking and you become the focal point and you're not a guitar player or a singer, you deserve to not eat for three days. That's a great rule. Okay, that's a great rule. I've been rolling with that rule for eight, you know, eight years or so. Um, it's never, um, you know, I've never put it into effect. Of course, that would be, you know,

illegal for me to, like, jail someone for that for three days and not. But whatever. But I'm just saying, like, if you are a hypocrite in that fashion, like, for instance, a priest who preaches family values and all he does is, you know, not family value stuff. I think that a good thing is for the rest of your life, no, maybe not the rest of your life. It would be a sentence. For however long the sentence is, it would have to fit the hypo, hyper, uh, you know, Hi, what was the word?

Hypocry. Hypoch? No. I just said it. Hypocrisy. Hypocratic. It would be that you sum, every week, you're going to shit yourself.

And you end once a week and you don't know when it is. And it's in the daytime. So you don't get to do it when you're sleeping. Which, and I'm saying get to do what you're seeing. That's awful. Yeah, no, I know. But sometimes like it happens when you're out. You have no warning.

I think that's great. I think that's great. Dude. Um, we need things like that, you know? Like, how come, how come God didn't make it like that, dude? I guess although if I was God, bro, people would be shitting themselves. That's all I'm saying. People be shitting themselves, like way more.

That would be people's, you know. All right, here you go. Giving too long of the Grammys. Ah, hit him with it. God, isn't there other stuff you got to deal with? Yeah, but jell the roll's going for a long time. Hit them. Ah, he's talking about Jesus.

Hit him. Oh, dude, fucking Bruno Mars. Ah, Bruno Mars. Oh, he's going too long. And he's too short. Hit him twice. There we go. Dude, I was at the airport.

One of the best, I think one of the best things that ever happened. You know when you see something and you go, did I really witness that? Like, when I came, like when I flew to Ireland, I saw two people dressed as leprechauns that and they were a couple, I guess. And the, the male kicked the luggage of the female and the female fell on her back. And they were so annoying on the flight.

So I go, oh, I witnessed that. Thanks. I go, thanks, God. Like my old, like my old cleaning lady. Thanks, God. But, um, I saw this. A few days ago. Bro, I don't think I'll ever forget this.

And it was too, uh, it was, it, it still makes me laugh. Okay. When I think of it, I still laugh. All right.

So there's this doofus, right? Picture it doofus. And by that, I mean a guy that would be on a Verizon commercial. You know what I'm talking about? And his hair's too long and he's got no facial hair. Do you know what I'm talking about? And it's poofy.

right, dufus, okay? Standing in the middle of the airport where he's in the way, all right? So already, yo, a bro, pick a side, cut your hair, right? If you're being a dufus, be a dufus over near the side of the wall. Do not be in the middle of something being a fucking dufus. Because then everyone goes, okay, I can deal with the dufousness, but you're pissing me off because you're in the way. And now the doofusness adds to the piss.

And now I'm extra pissed, right? It's like when you're not a racist person, but you see another race doing something that is annoying. And then you go, you know what, dude? I actually get it now. But you're not racist, but I'm just saying, right? Oh, I get it. I get why they're racist.

I'm not racist, but I get it. Right? so don't be a doofus out in the open don't be a doofus period but some people like one time a guy was walking uh past me and there was and i was with my brother and uh he had real dufeous hair dude on purpose dufus hair you know i'm talking about and i go man that guy's hair sucks huh does that not anger you and he said no because what is that guy going to do besides that And I go, what a great point. That's all he can do.

So I go, okay, you're right. I'm wrong here. I'm totally judgmental. I got to wrap that up. But that guy wasn't out in the open in people's ways. He was being dufus on the sidelines. Now, this guy's just dufus in the middle, period. Dufus in the middle.

with Brian Cranston. And so I am looking at this doofus. Because when I see a doofus, bro, I don't stop looking at it. I don't stop looking at him. I wait to see what kind of dofy shit he's going to do. All right? What he's doing is this.

Looking at his phone like this. Okay? And I'm like, this better be fucking important. This guy, he better be fucking reading a text about getting fired or did he get a promotion or one of his family members at the hospital. This is what the dude says after seconds of being in the way looking at his phone. He was alone, okay?

The guy says, the guy says, the guy says, the guy says, out loud, oh my gosh, pastrami. And I go, no. A dofus in the middle, staring at his phone for seconds, and then saying, like, the sweet release of him saying, oh my gosh, pastrami, dude, I go, you know what, if I miss my flight today, it's okay. Because that's fantastic, all right?

And it's okay. If it's going to be that, now I realize that there's another level of dofus. if you're going to really doofus it up in the way and be an extra duphus, like what kind of non-dufus says? Oh my gosh, pastrami, that's what the dude did. He ate, he ate, dude. That motherfucker ate. You know what I'm saying?

No pun intended. He ate four-course meal. Dude, oh my gosh, pastrami. And I go, bro, brother, my brother in Christ, I go, God, thanks for that one. So I'll never forget that. And that's the kind of stuff I never forget. That, that, that. Okay?

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Play. Post. Taste. View and enjoy. Via rail. Love the way. Wow. You know when things happen and you see it?

Maybe if you're like, are you like me where this happens? Things happen where you go, whoa, I can't believe I saw that. And then you doubt it kind of. You're like, there's no way that happened. Like one time I saw. I was driving to Burbank. I was 23, probably. And I was with my friend who's,

one of it was 22 and one, no, no. Another guy was 23, another guy was 21, okay? Three friends. I hadn't even started stand up yet, you know. We're driving to Burbank. And we're driving over, like it's a bridge, right?

And I'm, this is, I, I, I, I can't, Okay, so a deer jumps in front of my car, okay? And I'm going to hit it or it's going to move. There's no, there's no, I'm going to break and I'll stop before it, right? There's none of that. There's either it's going to move like a quick deer or I'm going to hit it. And my car's going to be just an accordion, okay?

Crumpled them. And so I'm driving. the deer jumps in front of my car, then jumps out of the way over the bridge to death, I guess. Okay? There's a under the bridge, there's another, you know what I mean? A street. The bridge goes over a street, you know, and the deer just jumps. And we go, all three of us go, oh, oh, like, you know, the real like, oh.

my God, like the kind of thing, we made the kind of noise that happens when you're all alone and you fall, you know, because no one's around. You don't have to care about how you sound. And, but we couldn't help ourselves. And we go, oh my gosh. And I pulled, and I stopped. I pulled over and I looked, we looked over the bridge, nothing. No splat, no nothing. Okay. So my thought was, immediate thought was oh but i this is where i go oh that didn't happen okay it was too crazy now crin of course deer can jump in front of the car and then they could go i guess committed suicide which is crazy slurricide whoops and then uh but then there's no evidence so i go oh i i had an illusion, but I had a, what do you call it? Hallucination, but then, but then the other two guys saw it. So I'm like, oh, and they go, I can't believe it. And I go, we were like, that was a deer, right?

Yeah, yeah. And then I'll never forget, I said, I don't know if that happened, because we didn't see a deer at the bottom of the street. And the, the dude, my other friend, Eric, he got so mad at me. he was like bro what are you talking about we all saw it and i was like yeah but maybe it was just like the lights away maybe it just looked like a deer maybe it was like a bag and he says

he said dude it wasn't a bag dude don't say it's a bag and i always think about that whenever i'm in burbank that how mad he was that i that i suggested maybe it was a bag but the three of us saw it dude it's an experiment And it was a deer, I think. But how the, where, where it go? How did it not die?

You know animals can sometimes do some crazy shit, though, right? Like animals could just fall. Sometimes you could drop an animal out of a fucking helicopter. And they're just like, you literally, you could drop up, you know, you don't think you could drop a koala out of a helicopter and have it just land in a tree and be okay. That's crazy. You know that could. You drop cats.

They didn't even land on their back, ever. You drop them from the heavens. The cat just all the way down, landing on the feet. So sometimes animals could just, so I'm going to strike that, that it was a bad. I should tell Eric. I wonder if you remembers that. Mm-hmm. Has to.

But yeah, oh, my gosh, pastrami is amazing. Just amazing. And I went to go get a bagel with cream cheese. Dude, sometimes a bagel with cream cheese. I don't say this. I don't say this, and I've never said this. Slang, it's newer.

Well, it's not so new, but it's newer slang, especially for a 45-year-old. Sometimes a bagel with cream cheese. fucking slaps, dude. Oh, you know what I'm saying? Dude, like, you know how good a bagel cream cheese is? You go like this.

Oh, dude, you're somewhere like an airport or near a bagelope place. You go, actually, that sounds like I get it. That's something I get at this. Right? You always, always when you're going to have a bagel cream because you go like this. You know, I don't really eat bagel cream cheese that much.

It's not going to do that. And then you say bagel root cream. cheese, please? And you're already past the point of fucking up bagels left and right being like a little toasted or some cream cheese. Don't put too much. You'll fuck it up if you do anything

but say bagel cream cheese. Don't give them specifics. You'll fuck it. Take it from meat, bro. I'm 45. I've been down that road. So I go, yeah, bagel cream cheese. And sometimes it slaps, it

hits so much. that you go, you take a bite and you go, actually, actually, this is, this was a, this was a way better idea than I even gave it credit for. I, nothing like it, bro. Nothing like it. So I ordered a bagel cream cheese at the American Bagel Association history, whatever the fuck it's called. You know what I mean? It's always in airports. It's like, the American Bagel Association. associate history club or whatever the fuck it's stupid whatever they did they call it something different great american bagel bakery that's so stupid you fucking idiots when were you around for sin from great american bagel bakery what a fucking bad what a bad 1940 uh name what a bad fucking just built

the car era uh name for a fucking company man Are you kidding me? Fucking horse and carriage, eh, company. Get the fuck out of here, Dirt Road, eh, company. A great American,

when did it open? Come on. If it's not 1912, I'm out. If it's not 1913, I'm going to fucking shit my pants. Great American bagel bakery. Dude,

go fuck yourself. And they don't even, that is, and the art sucks. When was it, when it was established? 86, dude. Get out of here

with your fucking bonnet wearing a business. the fuck. Yo, go churn butter. Come on, man. Two fucking two pecanes hooked up with a piece of string so you can communicate ad business.

Fuck off. The great American. Oh, dude. Yeah, I don't like it. And so I got it. By the way, you know, they never, ever, not that this is not American.

I don't mean to sound super Republican or white right wing, but, you know, they never speak English. They don't even, they don't even, it's like, so I ordered a bagel cream cheese. I say, bagel cream cheese. And they say, okay. Now I go, I get the multi-grained bagel,

all right. And they go, here it is. The great, the great, oh, there's a great Canadian bagel. Fucking, when was it made? 1993? God damn it, dude. They opened in Canada. This is the Great American bagel opening in Canada.

Oh, so they just changed a name? What a fucking bunch. This is, you know what they deserve to shit their pants every week? That's crazy. I mean, they can't, that,

call it the great American, is it a great American bagel or what? No, but I'm saying, is it a great American bagel or is it, it's not a great Canadian bagel. If it's, you're passing it's stuff on,

you know what it is? It's the fucking, this is where the trans community goes to get bagels. But what I'm saying is, um, uh, I got a bagel of cream cheese. And then the ladies,

said to me straight up because i was looking at her and i was looking at her mouth and i was looking and i was looking at someone's mouth and when i'm looking at someone's mouth and when you're looking at someone's mouth and they're talking you hear them okay now i'm not like my wife will fucking say some shit when like my face is in the pool or or like i'm in a closet by myself and she's down the freeway, you know? And then, and I have to hear that, okay? But, but I say to, so I say to my wife, if you don't see my eyes, don't say anything to me, right?

Like I'm, like I'm in, like I'm part of Navy SEAL or some shit. and because I don't you know and I've always said this before but when people say hey

something and then I say what and then they say hey again and then I say what and then they do it again and I don't hear them I go well no

okay I hope this isn't life-threatening because I'll never say what again and you fucked this up and wow this is the old oh wow

this is the old one so anyway I go, I'm looking at the lady's mouth And she just fucking straight says After I get the bagel Salivoli bully clean Okay No

Not that I don't I don't I you know What? Solivoli bully clean I go Oh I don't know I don't know what you said

just do pointing or something you know if I go to Japan okay no I don't know Japanese but if I am there and and I'm not saying

I am not saying like dude I don't like I don't care if you're if you're in America and you don't speak English don't speak English don't do it don't do it if you don't want to

do it in your hang out with whoever you want to. You know what I mean? When I'm in Japan, I'm not going to speak Japanese. I don't know shit. But if I try, I'm trying with the fucking accent and to do it like I hear it. Right? I'm not fucking ungugenei, tunjuro, you know?

That's me, dude. Like, fucking straight up. And you say it's racist, but I'm just trying to like be culturally like, this is what they're used to, so that's how I'm going to do it. You know, if I'm in, like, China, that's me. I'm doing it with the bounce issue. Mao nao, yeah, ma, like Mandarin bing shi, ma, no,

how, you know, like, that's how I'm doing it. Investing is all about the future. So what do you think's going to happen? Bitcoin is sort of inevitable at this point. I think it would come down to precious metals. I hope we don't go cashless. I would say land is a safe investment. Technology companies, solar energy.

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Neutral. Refreshingly simple. Salibili Bullyclean. I still know what you said. I'll never know. Between that, between that and oh my gosh, Pastrami,

the fucking airport was litty this week. Oh, dude. I swear to God. So Billy, I woke up Billy this morning, or he woke up and I went to go get him, rather. And I said, buddy, you want to go get coffee? And he goes, yeah.

I said, let's go. So I got to change your diaper. Put your clothes on. Change his clothes on. And then as I'm changing his diaper, he goes like this. Coffee bean? And I go, yeah. And he goes,

uh, dude, can you fucking believe? I'm like, this kid, like I almost was like at that moment, I was proud, but also equally I was like,

whoops. Whoops. Whoops. Made this guy. you know what I mean coffee bean yeah he does that like how I do on this podcast

dude it's so funny oh he was climbing up up then when we went to the playground took him to the playground being a dad is this shit bro took him in the playground on 76 degree weather in southern California and I fucking uh

you know a lot of times their second born is the one that's the in Tumblr, the, because the first one, you scared everything. Like, I couldn't even feed Calvin in the beginning because I was like, he's not chewing it, right? He's going to choke. I'm going to go in the other room, baby. I'd say that to Kristen, and she'd be like, I got it.

She was okay with it, but I, man, oh, it was so stressful for me. Swallow it, swallow it, chew it, like this. I'm like that. And I'm like, I'm just making a, a neurotic, you know, scared kid. I don't think I did, but with Billy, it's like, get up, you're all right. You know? So they're on the playgrounds. And Billy was like walking up to this like, you know, it was like a ladder that was had rope on the side of it.

So it was wiggly and shit. You know, playgrounds. They try to make it like it's like a fucking Tom Sawyer adventure or whatever. And he says, that needs. hell he sounds mandarin actually honestly my little kid is mandarin that ain't hell and then i'll say oh you want to climb it oh yeah like that he's yeah i just realize he's manner so um yeah he's got a deep fucking squat too he's a man he's mannered and so um so he's climbing up the the thing is that i need help and i was like well buddy you can do it because he can i'm looking at him and he can do it

And he was like, and he's trying to do it. And I'm like, you got it. Just put your arm here, put your hand here, and then climb up and then put your foot here. And then so he did it with very minor, you know, I was just kind of there. Like he could sense my hand was on, not even on his back, but kind of like, you know what I mean? Every down and then I touch it. I know, you know. And after that, he did it like 10 times.

Okay. And then he slides down the slide. the first two, three times I was like, anyhow. And I was like, no, you got it. So, but I was right there. The last three times, I'm like, I'm just going to step back here.

Sit back and watch it. So now I was just doing it. Because he's got, he's real confident. I'm like, dude, I'm like, fuck yeah, that's how you build confidence. And that's how you fucking build confidence, dude. Because I think about when I was a kid, you know, I don't know if my parents did that or not.

My dad was always working, but my mom, I don't know, I don't know. I think my mom was more like, careful you know a jersey thing careful you never know i mean she would literally be like eat all your food or you're going to get sick and like i didn't realize till i was like 38 that i didn't have to do that just a it's miraculous i'm not a fat fuck but uh so billy the last i was like okay last time and he goes okay and he goes to climb up at the top rung he just goes like this and and just like he's

you know he does it like he's got a parachute on like he goes like you know it was like fucking uh what's his name in ypeakey mvickay motherfucker who's the in uh alan richmond is that his name

Alan Rickman yeah Hans Gruber yeah Yipkaya motherfucker so um and then he falls that's how it looked like and he

oh I did that in my act I forgot about that and he did so he falls and I see his face on the way down. We make eye contact. And I go, oh, I, this is trauma for him now. It's trauma for me. He's sideways like this.

And I go, oh. And he hits the ground. Now it's soft, obviously, because it's a playground and everything's soft now. But he goes, ow, ow, ow. And I go, man, he felt really good, like in a good way, like on his side. and I felt so shitty. And as soon as I, because I was like, I, but then I go, hey, buddy, you're okay. And I'm like, actually, this is good because he didn't get hurt.

He went through something jarring. He's scared. And he's going to realize it's okay. And, and, and I'm going to make him do it again right after this. And I did. And he did it, dude. And I'm proud, man. Whatever, man.

Yeah. Just fucking gorgeous, you know? Just absolutely gorgeous. The Grammys were this past weekend, right? It's so weird. I love how they went to, you know what? Dude, they asked jelly roll. Not sure if that's his real name,

but they asked jelly roll if he wanted to, they talk about ice he just kind of said and he said no I'm just he played the dumb redneck card is he said that I think he's like I'm just a dumb redneck or something right

and people are like uh oh uh you know he didn't want to divide this is the thing about the media it's like fuck you dude you just want

clicks and you're asking this is the night of the Grammys. What are you doing asking him about ice? Ask him about how he feels about the Grammys. Don't be a fucking incendiary bitch.

It's so... I wish I was on that platform and somebody asked me that. I go like this. Oh, look at the balls on this motherfucker real loud. You want to ask me about Ice for Clicks? How? Wouldn't you love to know, dude? You, oh, you want to cost me money, motherfucker?

Yeah, dude. No, no, no, no. I do not play that. I'm dumb. I don't know. I play that. Bro, you don't, you, you don't get the right to ask me about shit that isn't about this shit tonight. I want you to ask me for like a ham sandwich.

You can't win, no. You still, you know, people are not. I'm always the pussy. You didn't say the thing. No, dude. Don't talk about something you don't want to. I don't want to talk about that. I don't talk about that.

Next. Then this guy dressed like a fucking mannequin. Gas Saalfalstein or something. He took home a granary for Lady Gaga. How was this a real guy? I don't even understand. It looks so much like a mannequin. I don't even understand it.

Is it a mask? It's a mask, right? You? I just don't get it. Congress to Jelly Brollo. He was killing, right? Oh, dude, this guy that doesn't talk, that the black dude on TikTok sold his company?

What's his company? That's a weird thing is like you're a TikTok star and then you have a company. Like that's the, I saw this headline. TikToker Cabby Lane sells his company. Uh, 975 million all stock deal. Agrees to digital AI twin. Just fucking where is this going? I think, I think, you know, God, this guy.

You know, I really. I follow a lot of fitness content, you know, because I like to look at workouts and the form of people and what I should be doing. And I see most of the fitness people I follow are, you know, some of them are like, this is what you got to do. For some reason, they're all fucking Australian, but they're like, this is what you got to do when you come here. Like, you're going to make sure that the fucking glue is stacked with the fucking thing there. And you're like, all right, cool.

I can make sure it's stacked, whatever I think I'm doing it right. suck in there before you fucking go down, right? Suck in right there. Make sure that you fucking... What is it? Your core is all fucking expanded like that, you know? But the really successful people, they don't talk because they just fucking...

They go like this, they go like this. Because like then, whether you're American or African or... I mean, even aliens are like, oh, yes, do not do it. like that? Because you don't have to, you don't, you can't not understand it. You just,

it's like a silent, going back to silent films, basically, becoming the number one stars. And so that's why this cabby lamé lame, sales is, that's why he's rolling in it. Because he doesn't talk,

right? He just, he talked once. Then when he, I, I saw him talk on, it was a, uh,

it was like an, on a, uh, it was like a, jet blue flight or something. He was in the, the, the,

safety video thing and he was just like he was like selling something before the safety video maybe a phone he was just like I ain't right here or whatever and I was like

oh that's right he had to say like the name of the company and it was just like celebrity politically um yeah but the Grammys are such what's up with Nick Nicky Minaj

is just with Trump and I'm like what you know she's got to be nuts, right? But also, I mean, it's so weird that he's even accepting that at this point. Like, you go like this.

Like, why is she, I guess here's my question. Why is she so outspoken in favor of Trump now? Like, you know, I guess like, and not. I mean, maybe she was always a Trump supporter, sure, but like now is the time where she's like, hell yeah, finally. Finally, finally, he's allowing people get shot in the back of the head. Finally. Bees in the trap. Bees in the trap.

That's some bang, though. But I, I don't know. I don't know. It's so odd, dude. They were holding hands and shit, like being, the people worship the stars shit. so stupid, man. And then I was thinking about, like, I was watching the Grammys. Everyone was just like, fuck ice, you know.

I wasn't watching the Grammys, but I know that they did that. I don't even know that they did that, but I know that they did that. And they were just like, fucking, you know, no, yeah, what's her name said? No, nobody's illegal on stolen land or whatever the fuck. And, and then I was like, it is so interesting how, like, you know, the world's very split about this. I don't know if they're very split about, I don't think they're very split about, happened in the past few weeks, but I think about the issue. They're very split. And, um,

but Hollywood is like mega overboard liberal. And I was in the shower today. And I was thinking about this. And I was washing my body. And I was, and I go, oh, dude, it was one of those things where it was so simple, but also why didn't I think of it before? I go, of, of course they're all liberal in Hollywood. Because they're all fucking artists. And then you go, artists are so, they operate on emotions. And I'm like, oh, yeah, dude, if I was just playing Frankenstein and painting and shit and trying to write a sonata or the new Star Wars score, I would probably be like,

I love everyone too, you know? And, uh, because they're just, they're, they're always doing art stuff. And they're feeling. And that's why the fucking, uh, business guys are like,

yeah, well, fuck them, you know, because they're always dealing with numbers because they're like, don't make sense. Doesn't make sense with the numbers.

Get them out. And I go, fuck it. And I know that sounds silly. And a lot of you guys are like, yeah, duh. But you didn't actually think those fucking words. like that dude i broke it down um we why don't we just have like i'll go i'll go and i don't even

mean i'll go like you know a lot of i don't mean this in the whole i'm gonna leave the country you know i i when stars do that and or or even like you know people of my star you know but like a i'm i'm not doing that like i love america um but I'll just just to make a point create a new land but it has to be built and I'll go I'll be one of the first people I don't give a fuck as long as I can do my podcast I'll set up a nice little stage

I'll do local shows you know find one of those I or what is fucking Epstein Islands being used for now didn't some guy buy it an island some other island there's got to be other islands out there let's go start a new country man

fuck it you know it's gonna happen. It's going to happen soon. AI is just going to be like, this is the only way. I know we're going to be like, okay. Um, um, at Medcan, we know that life's greatest

moments are built on a foundation of good health from the big milestones to the quiet winds. That's why our annual health assessment offers a physician-led, full body checkup that provides a clear picture of your health today and may uncover early signs of conditions like

heart disease and cancer. The healthier you, means more moments to cherish. Take control of your well-being and book an assessment today. Medcan. Live well for life. Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. Oh, let me do these. Uh, shine print and design for your custom apparel needs. Screen printing and embroidery. Help a small business out. www. www. www.shineprints.com. They said love you, Chris. Okay, thank you. Shout out to the legendary king of Scottsdale, Zach. Why, this is, this is some cornball. shit shout out to the legendary king of scotsdale

dude oh dude legendary king and then of scotsdale is amazing and his name's Zach Cattlebird wishing the best birthday and year for you buddy appreciate everything you do dude the Zach with no K is just finished the name Lydia happy Valentine's Day to the sweetest sugarplum sunshine

dumpling sauce in the world. Such a fat guy saying that. Seeing Chris's shows with you in Manhattan and West Niagara were such cherished memories. Those are hollers. Go to holler. Dot baby slash Christelia if you want to get a shout out on this podcast. We love it. Hey guys.

We want to talk to you a little bit about Legends. That's with a Z. It is your new obsession. We love it. The Legends Hub is live. Hello. it's a social casino and sports book. You can go online at www.

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Congrats when signing up. This was something so funny. I wonder if we'll get flagged or if it's just so bad that we won't get flagged. Oh, yeah, that's right. This computer takes so long to do stuff, right? Here we go.

Here we go. Wait. There we go. Too loud. What is this? by the way what show is this clip of a man earnestly singing sorry look at the way they break this down on widely on a clip of a man earnestly singing sorry spread widely online because of the stark mismatch between his confidence and his vocal performance you know off key notes incorrect lyrics

dramatic pauses yeah okay The Jay-Z left. Oh. Oh, dude, the guy's in hell right now, you know? You ever been there? It doesn't, I remember, though, like, it doesn't matter now because I do stand-up and I've bombed and stuff and it's all good and I don't give a shit. But, like, my God, the early days, he's in hell. Oh, he's in hell.

He's straight-it. He looks like a lesbian woman. All right. I just didn't want to say that you're sorry for now, girl. Because I just want to say for me. Oh, I just want to say for me to sorry. Oh, gave up. I'd like to say just sorry for me that's something.

I'd like to say just sorry for me to something. Dude, he is eating shit. You know? He's eating stacks of shit and just plates and plates of shit. And that's the worst way to wear a hat. And that's it. Sorry. So insecure to say it like that.

I guess if you're, I guess that's the most insecure. Maybe he's like, it's like, what do you call it, a performance art? Because it's really saying sorry, you can be pretty insecure,

you know what I mean? Speaking of sorry and apologies, the Japanese volleyball player, I have not watched this yet, but so many people said it to me. Oh. The help is on the side. Oh.

Oh my God. he fucking jetted over there. He slid over there like that? And he hit her. Oh, Japanese! Kill me. My life is yours now.

That's what he's saying. Oh, my gosh. Oh, man. Oh, there we go. Wow, good. Props to the cameraman. Just running after him for it. Dude, how does,

why are, why doesn't everybody bow? That's such a good idea. Yeah. It's really Japanese culture that does it. I mean, just dove head first into the ground for her. My life is yours now. Dude, Japanese volleyball player Yuji Nishida.

Are you sure he's Japanese? Is going viral for sliding Dojza? What is that? That's what that is? He accidentally, after he accidentally hit a judge with a serve at the SV League. What is Dojiza? is that is that the thing doge is a is an element of traditional japanese etiquette which involves kneeling directly onto the ground and bowing to prostrate oneself while touching one's head to

the floor oh wow is a deep apology express the desire for a favor or a person from to show deference to a person from a higher status so that's cool i'm going to start doing that and if honestly because more people should bow for sorry that's guy should have just gone and I'm sorry I'm you know what just fucking touch his head to the ground I need to say to sorry no fuck it dogeza um you need to uh you need to uh you need to yeah I'm gonna start doing that and my honestly my wife better accept it babe I did dodgza I did dogeza dogeza do you know what that is that's when I it's in general it's in general Japanese culture, it's when the person to show deference between someone with a higher status puts his head on the ground. And that's what I did. And that's why you shouldn't be mad anymore. So can we fucking scrap it, please? Can you, can I not be in the doghouse anymore? Because I committed dogesa. Husbands need to be doing that dojza. Is Bad Bunny doing the Super Bowl? Isn't there like an anti-super Bowl?

an anti-woke version that they're going to do, like a halftime show? Yeah. With Kid Rock and fucking... That's... The whole thing's crazy. That's a nice way to apologize, dude. Although you've got to watch up for your health, too.

Let's do some of these Patreon links. This one's from Noah Perrin for our Patreon. Send up for our Patreon if you want to be a part of it. Oh, and it's the same fucking thing. Okay. No, no, no. Or did I click it wrong? No.

Yeah. That's this one. Oh, another thing at church. I love it. You know, church is right for this kind of stuff. Hello. Man causes chaos inside church claims to be Jesus. All right.

How are you? Hey, so I'm back, you know? Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, this is the cop walking. Right? Okay. Hello, sir.

Hey. The deputy, you're all into the street. sheriff's office. How are you? I'm right. Okay. Oh, my God. Let me tell you something. Jesus does not look like that guy.

And I'm not even trying to be, you know, this guy is, honestly, would be like the fourth lead in snatch. Okay. Oh, the cop with the, okay. Like, just so wants to go home, you know. I'm tired, buddy. Don't call me buddy. Hello, sir. Hey, the deputy roll into the sheriff's office. How are you?

I'm right. Okay. So what's going on today? I just need to open this. Oh. Okay. I just need to open this. Well, we can't really do that. That's the church's property. Okay. Oh, back down immediately. Jesus wouldn't do that.

Oh. Oh, I didn't. Oh. You know what? I guess crazy people don't think they're crazy, but you can... I'm constantly like, maybe. it's just that i'm crazy you know if that's the o kossum's razor right there right hey should i um fall head first down these stairs backwards or or am i crazy and then you go yeah right i'm not crazy oh i mean did the guy he must be out cold right oh he's not oh oh the cop Okay. So good.

Okay. So how'd you end up here today? Oh, you just saw it. Oh, dude, this guy's, this guy's been on the force for two long. Because I'm Jesus. Wow. This is. Oh my God, bro.

The whole, because I'm Jesus. Because I'm geez. Do you have some friends around here? Fucking strong-armed him with that question. Okay, we're your apostles, motherfucker? For me to help you, you have to talk to me. Oh, man, poor guy.

You know, I mean, you know, getting older, I see this stuff I go. I have the first thought about like, oh, shit. And then I'm like, oh, man. I've been stressed out before. This guy's just stressed out. You know what I mean? I've never done this,

but I've done a version of this in a smaller capacity. Right? Oh, fuck. Dressed. This is so much brown in this shot, by the way. It's unbelievable. The walls are brown.

The chalices. The guy's shoes and outfit. This dude is an ox. I mean, he went head first. He ruptured his L1, you know? And he just gets up and goes, Maybe he, I'm going to see, maybe, maybe, maybe he knows something we don't. That's all I'm saying.

Don't want to go to hell, but. Oh, he took the cross. Fuck. What does that have to do with being Jesus? Why does the guy keep going? Oh, my God. The cop's like, Jesus. And he's like, yes.

No, I mean, oh my God, bro. This guy's going to die. Hey, cop. Get him. Hey. Arrest them Jesus doesn't have a scream like that I'll tell you that much

Now he's done it You know Now He's really gone and done it I mean to pick up a candlestick And throw it at the Dude

How about the other guy that was there before Just kneeling watching it Like hey guy Do a virtual service All right use the taser Oh, look at the guy! Just stared and looking. Why, he's wearing brown too!

So much brown, dude. Just eating chocolate. Did he just say six? Oh, fuck! Stop doing that! Dude, if I'm a cop, that's me. You gotta stop doing that! I don't want to tase you. Look, I get it.

You're stressed out. I've been there before in a way lower level. But even if you are, Jesus, you gotta stop going backwards into the fucking ground. This is just going to hurt the back of your head. Boarding for flight 246 to Toronto is delayed 50 minutes. Ugh, what? Sounds like Ojo time.

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The score bet. Trusted sports content, seamless sports betting. Download today. 19 plus, Ontario only. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling, or the gambling of someone close to you. Please go to Conixontario.ca. The other guy tried to have... I got more people coming. He's on something. It's just upside down now.

The guy, the other guy. Dude, how is this guy keep getting up? Oh, he's Michael Myers. Okay. Oh, cool. Oh, he's on Jesus. He's Jason. All right, great.

20. How far? How are you? Oh, so nervous. Oh, he's going to do it again. I parked it. And he's already doing the backwards thing again. Dude, he has to stop.

He has to stop doing this. This is really a bad thing to do. Look, don't do this. You know, I don't want to keep watching this, but how does it end? This is the fourth time the guy just fucking DDTed himself into the fucking porcelain ground. There he goes again. Fuck, there he goes. There he goes doing the thing again.

Look at the fucking other guy just staring at the cop like he's an NPC. you don't mean to do anything here can i make a donation are you going to pass around the collection plate or i'll do a virtual service i'll see you guys so he's doled a couple three times he's fell back four four times something or other he ripped the crucifix thing off the top of the thing there crucifix thing going to hell he ripped the crucifix thing off the top of the thing there i don't know man i'm i'm jewish i don't know this stuff grab one of these things here it's a candlestick up them off and then he hop back up there, so.

No, I haven't been able to get anything. No. Anything out of them whatsoever. I'm Jesus Christ, Almighty. Saying it upside down, you know? He's upside down and he's saying that. If you want us to respect you, sir, at least stand up straight. Fuck you.

So, Dick, Jesus would never. The two things he said back to back, that he's Jesus Christ and then just fuck you. and he was upset down for both, you know? Oh, it took it up a notch. Yeah, you're the devil. Took it up a notch immediately. The cop trying to, no, we're actually not the devil. Depends who you ask, if you ask.

If you ask liberals. I'm Jesus Christ Almighty. Oh, okay, okay. Back up. I'm Jesus Christ. Wow, I mean, so not Jesus. The most not Jesus. you can be. Also, you know,

I don't want to bring the other kid into it before this, but this guy's gay and you're letting him into the church. You know what I mean? And that's okay with me, but I'm saying the kid before the preacher kid. Switch. Switch. Falling. Nobody else needs to die.

Seeing, seen too many movies, dude. The fifth time. Jesus Christ. What it made him do? I mean the end of the fucking the fucking stupid TikTok thing at the end. Oh my God, dude.

Oh my God, that hurt to watch. He did it five fucking six times. More. More. More. I mean, that's just, wow. Why was everything brown in that fucking clip? You are so dumb. What's that? Oh, yeah.

Antoine to that guy. All right, man. Dude, that's just wild. I feel bad for that guy, but also, you know, don't be doing all that stuff. Okay. I appreciate you guys. Thanks so much. Tune in next time. And I'll see on tour. I'll be in Australia soon.

St. Louis, Cincinnati, go to Krissley.com. Thank you.