Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 49. Year of the Doesn’t Matter

Episode Date: January 1, 2018

It's the 49th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about New Year’s resolutions. Also discussed: Chinese New Year, the year of the dog, the city of San Diego, drooling more in 2018, and E40. And of course, Chris does TMFUIPOTW and answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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the types of meals you eat when you cook with Blue Apron. You're not just having burgers for dinner. You're making short rib burgers with a hoppy cheddar sauce on a pretzel bun. I've been eating Blue Apron now for a few months, and it's really good. And you don't feel bad afterwards, which a lot of the food in America makes you feel that way. But this is great. Blue Apron is treating my listeners to their first three meals, a $30 value value with your first order if you visit blueapron.com slash congrats. So check out this menu and get your $30 off with free shipping at blueapron.com slash congrats. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Hey! What's up?

2018 is what the year is. Happy New Year. How about when people switch it up and they're like, Merry New Year year or like happy christmas um yeah it's 2018 um i it's my least i think it's my least favorite holiday is uh new year uh i don't like i i it just makes me anxious man it makes me anxious because nothing is different but everyone acts like it's gonna be different and so it just like makes me anxious because nothing is different, but everyone acts like it's going to be different. And so it just like makes me anxious that secretly everything is going to be different, even though it's not.

Even though I know it's not, but everyone's going to be saying it and making me feel like maybe it is. And then same shit goes down. New Year, same you, same old you. And the worst part about it is going back to the gym. You go to the gym and for like two weeks, it's like everybody is all using everything. And then the fucking lazy fat pieces of shit fall by the wayside. And then by February, you're good to go. You're good to go again.

It's the year of the dog. Is that Chinese? Doesn't matter. What's the year of the dog. Is that Chinese? Doesn't matter. What's the year of the dog? Doesn't matter. It's the year of the dog or it's just another year? Yes, it's just another year. What does that mean? What does that mean if it's the year of the dog? Fucking nothing? Cool. Everything's going to be the same? Great. hey oh chinese zodiac dog prediction people born in 1922 1934 1946 19 doesn't matter 19 doesn't matter 19 nothing 2000 it doesn't matter and 2018 are members of the dog chinese zodiac sign dogs together could fight for bones what the fuck does that mean could you know giving us the option hey it's nothing dude how about those chinese the chinese new year how it's always different

it's always different and it's like you're like all of a sudden like people are all excited it's fucking august or something and they're like hey it's the chinese new year or may or whatever the fuck it is. And then like white people try to pretend like they give a fuck. And then you see that big ass fucking thing going down the parade with the big head and the tassels on the body. And you try to act like it's not the scariest thing a six year old could see. Hey, it's the year of the dog. Get the fucking big ass thing with the mask on and have 10 Chinese people fit inside it and walk down a street.

Hey, what are we doing, you know? Just go to work. February 16th is the Chinese New Year, I guess. And it's the year of the dog. So it doesn't mean, you know what the interesting thing about that is? It doesn't mean anything. I want news to be like, so it's the chinese new year here it's on february whenever and it just turned 2018 in china well it then it's the year of the dog and the interesting

thing about that is it doesn't matter back to you um uh yeah so i went and i did shows in san diego i'm gonna say something here i'm gonna say something here and i want you to know i mean it and it's gonna turn some people off and i want you to know i don't give a fuck because i'm serious and it's how i feel and since it's how I feel, I don't feel bad about it. San Diego fucking sucks. Period. There you go. There you have it. There you have it.

I've been there a bunch. I tried to act like it was nice and good and fun and it fucking blows donkey dicks. It sucks. San Diego fucking sucks. I went and I did four shows there at the House of Blues. I did shows there last year at the Observatory. I've done shows there all the time. And it is amateur night.

Every time, man. Every time people hoot and holler and fucking yell out shit and say, there's a girl that screamed out, take your shirt off. I threw her the fuck out. And then there were other girls that wouldn't stop talking. And then dudes on the upper level that wouldn't stop talking. And every time I go to San Diego, that's the kind of crowd I get. And it fucking sucks. And it sucks too, because there are fucking great people that live in San Diego. Dude, I met people after the show and they were like, thank you so much. So sorry about those hecklers.

And that sucks for those people. I was in the gas lamp district or whatever the fuck. Go fuck yourself, man. Everyone's drunk all over the place. I saw people getting kicked out of diners by security I saw you know uh just I saw a guy get thrown out and he was like I'm not going anywhere and then the security took him and pinned him down and there was another guy with a ripped shirt for no reason he just had a ripped shirt in the diner I have it on my Instagram and he was just had a ripped shirt for no reason sitting down having dinner at like 2 a.m and the other guy got kicked out and they

pinned him down and the guy was screaming out you're breaking my arm you're breaking my arm and it was so blood curdling and it made me realize one thing that i could never be in war i could never be in war the way this guy was yelling at three security guards that were pinning his arm made me think, like, you see it in war. You see people dying and getting their, like, head cut off and screaming. I couldn't take this kid screaming, you're breaking my fucking arm. It was very unsettling. And his girl was like, you're breaking his arm. And she couldn't do anything about it.

And then I was like, why did you fucking rough the guy up and they and then the and the and the the the manager was like oh we call my server a bitch so they attacked him like it like nothing it was like i'm going anywhere. And then they just grabbed him and fucking pinned him down and ripped his leg and arm apart. And then was like, yeah. I was like, what happened? Oh, he called the server a name. Like, what? Dude, San Diego fucking sucks. If I lived there, I would fucking kill myself.

How about that? It sucks, dude. And everyone acts like it's beautiful and it is the weather's great but like the and i'm not look the sanding the surrounding areas of san diego probably they're beautiful dude they're great and people dude i've done shows in la jolla everyone talks about how great la jolla is dude crowds in la jolla fucking suck it's amateur night dude they all come out and they're like they think that oh you're here to entertain me you're here you're you're so fucking you know dude audiences that act like you're lucky to be there I picked it because you fucking performers pick there because you

fucking go there because you can go anywhere it doesn't matter I'll go to San Diego or I'll go to Denver or I'll go to fucking Jacksonville it doesn't matter, I'll go to San Diego, or I'll go to Denver, or I'll go to fucking Jacksonville, it doesn't matter, oh yeah, dude, perform for us, no, dude, dude, I came, you bought the ticket, sit down, laugh and don't laugh, that's it, if you scream, take the shirt off, I'll throw you out, dude, I was like, this girl screamed out, take your shirt off, and I was like, ah, shut the fuck up, dude. And she was like, what? This and that. And I was like, yo, she got to go. And I threw her out.

And she was like, what? And then I barely checked my Snapchats. Like, people can send me them. And every now and then I'll check one or two. Or sometimes I fucking hit it by mistake because I'm just looking through it. And, like, this girl, Snapchat came up and it was like, we just got kicked out of the Chris D'Elia show. And we're still over here wondering why all we were doing was laughing. And anyway, fuck you, Chris D'Elia, but we still love you.

Were you partying afterwards that's that right there is san diego that right there is san diego this fucking chick screaming out take your shirt off and i throw her out and she legitimately doesn't get it afterwards and then thinks i'm gonna fucking hang out with her what hey you know what hey girl this is earth this is earth i don't know what the fuck you're used to but if you ruin the show, not gonna be around you. I literally threw you out of the place I'm at. Why the fuck do you think I want to come back to the place where you are?

Happy fucking New Year, dude. You know? Dude. dude, you know, dude, people, all, oh, no, we're so sorry, I, dude, they were ruining my opener's show, these other, this chick and these four dudes, ruining their show, out there, woo, yeah, fuck, yeah, screaming, and the dudes were talking all loud like fucking privileged pieces of shit you know just with watches on hanging over the balcony and they were just being so rude and then i said to the manager i was like yo you guys got to watch these guys man because like whatever and they were why it kept talking my openers everyone i had three fucking openers everyone was like yo you guys gotta be quiet and then i was like man just

fucking go talk to them before i go on and let them know that i'm gonna throw them out if they keep doing it dude i give them fucking six warnings and then i went on and then as i was going on stage they were being escorted out already because the bouncers were like all right you guys are just fucking done i didn't even like tell him to throw him out and uh but it's like you can't act like a person dude actually a person dude i can't believe what san diego was like it was like hell on earth it's like hell on fucking earth the paddy wagon pulled up and there were like so many drunk people in there just like fucking bashing it it was like a wildebeest was in there just trying to fucking it was like somebody was growing into the hulk it literally was like boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom and then it opened up and

the cop the cops pulled over opened up and this no bullshit this lady i i hear in the fucking paddy wagon I hear she has lupus she has lupus and the cops are like alright come out and they unlock the inside there's an inner gate in the van there's the van and then in those doors there's another cage and then you open up the cage like there's fucking like there's

like the fucking World of Warcraft beast in it with the fangs that go up over the, I hated that by the way. When they have the, I don't like how when they make trolls or fucking beasts in movies, they have their fangs that go up over and they talk and they have the fucking, it's like we get it dude, they're fucking beasts. That wouldn't be that because it would scrape the fucking it would scrape under their noses. And I don't like that. But she's like, she has lupus. She has lupus. And they're like, okay, come out.

And they bring out the girl who apparently has lupus. And straight up, she's got no clothes on. Dude, she just has jeans on and her titties are out. In San Diego, her titties are out in San Diego. Her titties are out. And she's like this doing the cover where she's got the hand over one tit and the almost elbow over the other tit. And she was like, and she comes out and I swear to God, this is what she's saying. I have white parents. I have white parents.

Yo, it was actually really sad. now that I think about it, man. I watched so much fucking bullshit go. And look, I get it. I don't live in fucking... wartime. Well, I mean, I guess we all do. But I don't live in like where they're fighting. I know that the world is...

There's a lot worse places in the world. And I get my sheltered little fucking piece of shit brain. Saw san diego thing and i was like oh my god but i just fucking now i feel bad now i feel bad about what i'm saying but hey whatever man it was just like get me the fuck out of san diego and then and then and how about this everyone in San Diego was like hey fucking have fun in Riverside that place sucks everyone was like have fun in Riverside that place sucks dude I went to Riverside and did New Year's Eve let me tell you something that place was the shit dude I'll fucking go back there anytime. That fucking show at Riverside, that New Year's show was the best New Year's show I ever had.

The theater is beautiful. The nerve of people from San Diego saying Riverside sucks is, what's the word insurmountable mean? Whatever, dude. It means fucking in that situation, fuck their nerves, dude. It means fucking in that situation. Fuck their nerves, dude. In Riverside, that was a great show, man. It was an awesome show. And that crowd was awesome. There was one piece of shit in the front.

I told him to be quiet and he did. He was quiet. I'll go back to that theater was awesome the um what the fuck was it called what is it Fox yeah and they were like uh they were all like uh tell people to come you know we don't get many comedians and it was awesome dude um and, um, what was I going to say? Oh, this, uh, I, I, I got, this is fucking crazy. Actually, this guy, uh, Ethan hit me up or no, he didn't hit me up. All of his friends hit me up saying that one of his, that his girlfriend was, uh, one of

the people in, uh, that got, um um killed in in las vegas and the shooting and uh it fucking like it broke my heart man so i looked i looked at his instagram and like he had all these like pictures with her and her name's angela and she uh she was killed in the las vegas thing man and um they were like they came to my shows before and it was just it it fucked me up because they were like you know i met them and shit and i you know i i meet a lot of people i don't remember i didn't remember meeting them but i i i told ethan i reached out to him and i was like hey man i know you're going through a rough time i know you've been to some of my shows or whatever and i just want to let you know some of your friends reached out and I don't know if this is appropriate,

but I wanted to let you know that like, I'll get you tickets to not only my shows, if you want to ever come out, but like, you know, you can also, also, I, I know a lot of comedians, I can get you tickets really to any comedians. If you feel like, you know, Matt now may not be the time to laugh, but if, if you ever feel like getting away and whatever and laughing for an hour, I can make it happen wherever. And he wrote back a really sweet thing like, oh, thanks so much. And, you know, this was months ago when the Las Vegas shooting happened. And then he hit me up and he was like, Hey, we live in Riverside. I'm going to buy tickets.

And I was like, dude, don't buy tickets. I'll, I'll bring whoever you want. I'll, I'll set it up. And I set it up and he brought the family.

He brought it. I thought he brought his family to the show. And I was like, I want to meet you guys after. And he said, this is, I brought her family. And it was just like really wild to meet them and um and it was i mean it's just such an awful situation and you don't you

know it was just sweet that they could they came and you know i i know obviously it was just they've been through hell and i just like it was just kind of an honor to have them there and it it uh i don't know i hope they could at least forget a little bit about it for a little bit and just laugh which they said they laughed and that made me uh that made me happy but man it's, it's just fucked up. I hope that there's not more of that kind of bullshit. I hope there's way less of that shit in 2018. But shout out to Ethan.

Thanks for bringing the family out. I met her dad, which he made me laugh, and Angie's mom and Angie's sister and all that. And it was cool. So rest in peace, you know, as they say. And, yeah, I don't mean to get so serious. This is a comedy podcast, but that shit made me feel. So anyway, let's lighten it up uh i uh this new year i don't know if you have a new year's resolution by the way what the fuck like it's like who i love people who are like i'm gonna

start eating well in 2018 on like december 19th and're like, so let's go out with a bang. And they're just like eating fucking cake and steak for like two weeks. And they're just like, by the time fucking New Year's comes around, they're like, all right. Today is the day. And they're like, they eat one salad and then some oatmeal. And then they're like, oh, fuck. Like they eat one salad and then they're like, and then some oatmeal. And then they're like, oh, fuck.

And then like at night they'll eat like a fucking sandwich. And they're like, I'm doing it kind of. But it just feels like because they were eating like shit for the past holidays. That now they're like eating better. But in reality they were just eating a little bit better they're eating better than what they were in the past three weeks or like when they're like hey i'm not going to smoke anymore and everyone falls back on their new year's resolution anyway my new year's one of my new year's resolutions by the way was to start and do stand-up fucking 11 years ago oh wait tomorrow january 2nd is my 11-year anniversary for stand-up.

That was the first time I got on stage and started going every – I was like, I'm going to do stand-up. I'm going to do it once a week. That's what my goal was. That was my resolution. And then I went on stage January 2nd, and then I went back January 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th. I went every day. I think the longest I haven't done stand-up in 11 years was like 10 days in a row. I don't think I've gone more than 10 days than doing stand-up.

Anyway, yeah. So if you have a resolution, just fucking – I mean I don't want to say it's stupid now because now you're adhering to it. But like you're going to fucking fail. Just like come on, dude. Especially if you're a part of this cult. Man, if you have a resolution and you're a part of this cult man if you have a resolution and you're a part of this cult first of all all right but second of all that was the worst weakest first of all ever but like second of all dude stick to it motherfuckers because you're not coming to the

log cabin if you don't have discipline i'll tell you that much man dude this couple came up to me afterward after my show in riverside and they were like so i hate this when i do meet and greets and they're like so we're gonna do something kind of silly and i was like you do whatever you want i'm taking a picture and smiling you know they'll do shit like can you anytime we're gonna take this picture do you mind can you and i go like yo yo yo we're big first of all we're big fans can you if you're a big fan you already know the answer to the question is no let's take a picture like fucking full-grown adults you adult or you don't dude i'm not fucking can you do the stance you do where you do no

this couple came up to me and they were like we're gonna do a new year's eve celebration photo we're just gonna do a like a kiss in front of you and you can be in the background and i was like all right and they both leaned in like like bitch-ass motherfuckers the dude did it like and they kissed lips while i was behind them and i was just like smiling and then they're like thanks and they're like let's see the photo and they're like oh that wasn't good it looks weird and i said i could have told you that shit let's do a regular one i was like you want to do a regular one and they just felt weird and kind of left but like yo just take a picture man you're gonna be so disappointed you know oh what was that dude i just had a fucking alien try and come out of my mouth out of my mouth

um dude like uh yeah can we just can we do you mind if you can you flip the camera off no cause then I look like a fucking douche bag who am I fucking Tupac or Avril

Levine if anyone who flip, flicks off, flips off, what do you say? Flip or flick, whatever. The camera is, and isn't Tupac, is like, you're not hardcore, dude. You're not hardcore. You're not, you, you, you, like, to think of, like like someone who's like this at the camera just like and like they work at chase is hilarious you know like yo like this fucking shit with this face yeah fuck it i don't give a fuck oh wait hold on i'm late for work

you give a fuck you know how you know you give a fuck because you got clothes on if you didn't give a fuck your dick would be all out walking down the street just like you don't you care you care that's like it's fine to say i don't give a fuck but some people are like yo i really don't give a fuck though i really don't give a fuck, but some people are like, yo, I really don't give a fuck though. I really don't give a fuck. Oh yeah.

Your pants are on. Your pants are on. What's up with that? You give a fuck, your pants are on. By the way, this is the fucking motto for 2018. Swear to God. I brought this up a few episodes ago about when you're making love and shit

and you leave your mouth open, you don't catch the drool. Dude, 2008, fuck the year of the dog, drool more. That's the fucking motto. 2018, drool more. Now, I know I said 2008, and that's very stupid, but that's because I'm in it.

Do you understand? I'm passionate and I'm in it do you understand i'm passionate and i'm in it which means i'd drool more dude when you motherfuckers are catching your spit and closing your mouth so the drool won't come out you're focused on the wrong shit man and you're not living to your passionate potential now i realize when i say that a lot of dumb motherfuckers are going to be like you know what you're right i'm gonna be a photographer go buy a camera and then give it up in a month but dude drew more drew more drew more at your job in fucking whatever your job is if you work at Kaiser Permanente Drew more do the shit that you feel drool more with your family if you have a picnic and you're with your family and you're loving it

dude and you're hanging out and your mouth's open and that little spit's collecting and you're about to fucking and it's about to drool out of your mouth but you close your mouth you're taking yourself out of your family moment dude let that drool slide the fuck down your chin swear to god that's the most beautiful shit when i see motherfuckers drooling i know that they're into it dude fighters drool because that's fucking raw passion you think they don't drool on each other when they're in the octagon i drool on stage sometimes that shit comes out i'm talking and i'm fucking wet in the front row because this shit is real life this is earth be on it don't catch your fucking own drool man that's some that's some that's 2018 man drool more.

I swear to God. You know? My goal is to reach like 50-year-olds that are like, you know what? He's right. And just drool and just... I do love my job and I do catch myself catching my own drool. Fuck it. And I do love working at Applebee's. And they just walk up, can I take your order?

And just fucking drool comes out of their mouth. What would you like? People would be like, uh, I'm going to go to Islands instead. I don't know if they have island they don't have islands everywhere but they have islands a fucking restaurant called islands in in like only glendale areas only glendale southern california and it's so like fucking we get it dude it's one of those themed restaurants where it's like you're on an island and you're like we get it there's so many plastic birds there and like fucking like spider plants and ferns and like fucking banana leaves and we're like can we just eat you know and they have hawaiian shirts on like what dude we would always go in high school

dude people like let's go to islands yo let's go to islands and we were like let's go to islands and everyone i always get the fucking chicken tacos oh god dude and then one time we were making a loud noise we were talking joking around in islands and some guy was like can we just eat can we just eat with our family you guys are loud and we were like yo this is islands. You're at a restaurant called Islands. This is gonna be loud. You want a fucking nice dinner with your family, have it at home. Man, he was mad.

He was mad. And I fucking actually said to the guy, because he was so, oh, no, I said to him, I was like, that's not how you come at someone first. I always had this thing where it's like, if you're mad at someone, at first you got to be like, hey, excuse me, can you please maybe keep it down a little bit? Because then you did it.

You're nice. If they don't then at least keep it in mind then you can be like yo motherfucker right but the first thing he said like you guys you know could you keep it down i'm with my family and i was like that's not how you're supposed to do it first first you should have asked nicely and since you didn't do that that's bullshit and then he said something else really like rude and shit and i was like if i up, this is going to be funny. That's what I said. Like what a punk bitch ass I was, you know?

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crocodile it up be on the edge of the swamp baby be on the edge of the swamp hmm am i angry that this microphone doesn't stay still and i have to twist it myself one fire yes does it make does it make me angry a little bit am i gonna do anything about it no one fire yeah my gun fire my gun fire no one fire yeah one fire every episode you know why because one fire fucks up dude he's a human you know it's just what are we doing dude what are we doing in 2018 we're gonna make this world a better place dude i watched this fucking commercial i was in san diego fucking or as i like to call it, piece of shitsville. Dude, I was in San Diego, or as I like to call it, cesspool town.

STD Central, probably. Dude, if you're in San Diego and you don't have herpes, you've been there under a year. God, man. Imagine living in San Diego. Dude, I love the tweets I'm going to get. They're like, it's actually not that bad if you fucking yell. Fucking put your whole mouth on my taint. Put your whole fucking mouth on my taint.

Lift my balls up, rest them on on your nose and go like this to my fucking taint that's it for you and then be on your merry fucking way over to the gas lamp district anytime there's a district in a fucking city it sucks anyway you know district dude you got some fucking nerve to call your area the district it's a bunch of bars and people get date raped you know district hey come on why is there always a gas lamp district too what the fuck is a gas a gas lamp like this shit like would they carry around what's a gas lamp what the fuck is a gas lamp because it's got the pretty post with the gas lamps on it that what look one fire googled gas lamp district the first image that came up

was a police do not cross fucking yellow tape oh my god here's another one it said it was a marquee and it said players welcome i hope that means uh poker players and not like right there on the other right, players welcome. Or Players Club, that movie. Those are my favorite shit when it was like fucking L.A., give me love up in the club. The Bay, give me love up in the club. Chicago, give me love up in the club. Miami, give me love up in the club. Chicago. Give me love up in the club. Miami.

Give me love up in the club. And then he just keeps doing a bunch of cities. And then he's like, I don't know what other cities. And then by the end, he's like, owner, give me love up in the club. Owner of what? Of the club? Or is that a city? Is owner a city?

Gaslap district. Give me love up in the club. Don't dateap District, give me love up in the club. Don't date rape there, give me love up in the club. People puking, love and lover. We got lupus up in the club. There's a wildebeest in the paddy wagon up in the club. Hot titties are out, give her love up in the club. That's illegal, give her more love up in the club. The cops are right there letting it happen a love up in the club. That's illegal. Give a love up in the club. The cops are right there letting it happen.

Love up in the club. Because they got bigger problems. Give a love up in the club. Oh my God, dude. The Bay. The Bay, dude. The Yay. The Yay. E-40 is the shit, dude. The Yay. E-40 is the shit, dude.

The Yay. The Yay. Yay Area, dude. You know the song Yay Area, bro? It's the most fucking... Yay Area song of all time. It's fucking yay area.

Oh, I love this song. I love this song, dude, by E-40. Remember this song? The fucking Diggable Planet. Diggable Planet's worst name ever. This shit right here.

Right here. Alright. Right here, I guess. Oh, right here. Coming. Ooh. Oh, so it's the fourth win. I got my second win, pimp.

And then I got my second win. Shortest second win of all time, then had another second win. Ooh, came. I like how sometimes I like to imagine. I don't know why. Because to me in my head, E40, he's seen us a little bit like this. And when he's seen us like this, to me, it sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger a little bit. Like, he does, like, it makes me think Arnold Schwarzenegger is like, yeah, I could be a rapper, hell.

And he's just like, I got my second wheel in the playoff. How many times can E-40 go in a song, dude? Like, I love E-40. Like, dude, that guy, I fucking love his music. Like, almost like kind of all of his songs. He's one of those guys you could put on any song and it's kind of the shit. But, dude, when he goes, it's like he really wants to push that ooh thing, dude. Ooh.

I mean, how many times does he do ooh in that song right up front? Right here. Oh, wait. Hold on. The verse. I forgot about the verse in the beginning. So many sounds, dude. It loses his mind.

You want to see the most losing ass mind fucking shit in hip hop? This is my favorite shit. Imagine he just loses his mind. I'm going to play a little bit of the song and then just imagine him, his brain breaking and then it's gone and he'll never be the same right here. Watch, I'll show you. Right here, after

the first verse. Oh wait, the pattern repeats in background and the beat comes in. Right here. right here lost his mind lost his mind dude lost his mind, dude. Lost his mind. They're not blended to the crowd. On hot calls, you know?

Arnold Schwarzenegger. Fill your bats about the player. Can the fucker write in a letter? Can the fucker write in a letter? Kind of sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger to me. I don't know. I think that's just me. Like McCormick some seeds in the room region.

Oh, my God, dude. Imagine E40 and Paul Simon hanging out. You know? Paul Simon would be like, okay. Okay. Here's my impression. You know, Paul Simon would be like, okay, okay. Here's my impression. Here's my impression of Paul Simon listening to E40's music.

Okay. Oh, okay. So, okay. So I think I, yeah. So he just kind of, huh. That's Paul Simon listening to E-40. Like, imagine, like, the guy who ever sang, who made the song that was like, I like toast and jam. I like toast and jam.

What's that song? You know the rhythm I'm talking about, right? I like bread and butter. First of all, the worst song ever I like toast and jam or whatever the fuck he says that's what my baby feeds me I'm her loving man

literally has a person in an insane asylum she don't cook mashed potatoes Has a person in an insane asylum. She don't cook mashed potatoes. She don't cook T-bone steaks. Don't feed me peanut butter. She knows that I can't take. Don't, you know, don't make a song yet if that's what you have to fucking write about, you know?

I don't, I never liked songs that they came up with the fucking rhythm first. It's like, have something to write about first. And then fucking sing the song. But if you're like, ooh, that's a funky rhythm. How about we just, I like bread and butter. Dude, are you fucking five? I like oh my god and then in the fifth verse is

no more bread and butter no more toast and jam make up your fucking mind before you make this song see ya I like how it says genre pop shit he's talking about bread and butter whoever wrote that song is dead now but see ya a pop. Yeah, and the shit. He's talking about bread and butter. Whoever wrote that song is dead now, but see ya.

But see ya. But see ya. Every time I go, but see ya, my dog goes like, does that little fucking cork head thing. Um, I don't know. Fuck, man. What, Sam? Come here, buddy.

Hi. Video podcast can check Sam out right now. If you're on YouTube, although it's not up until a day later, usually. Dude, people will hit me up and just be like, when are you now? Someone will hit me up tomorrow and be like, Hey, when are you coming to San Diego? Or when are you going to be in Riverside? Huge fan. Follow your every move.

When are you going to be in the place you were yesterday? You know? Like, unreal fan. Followed you for, literally followed you since glory days, the show that no one watched that you were on, followed your every move, seen everything you've ever done. Like every Instagram picture.

When are you going to be in the place that you just left? You're three exits away from the place you just left. When are you going to be there? Dude, I put up an Instagram video of me saying, dude, this is really going to be my year. How funny is it to think? I couldn't get, I was thinking about, dude, how funny is it to think that someone,

like, really thinks thinking about, dude, how funny is it to think that someone like really thinks like, dude, like I'm going to make, this is actually going to be my year. I can tell, like, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to like hunker down and I'm going to like get my shit all organized. And every year, and, and, and, and this is going to be my year. And then he, and then every, and then pretty much every day is the same after January 1st as it was in December. And that shit is so funny to me. That attitude of like, let's fucking do this. But then like not doing it, but just having that attitude, but then not implementing the fucking things to make this happen is so funny to me. Like I used to, I'm a fucking insane person dude

i used to sit at coffee shops in the at at like you know in the middle of the day and like imagine people getting to coffee shop when they were when they would walk in the coffee shops i would imagine them waking up in the morning at like 8 30 and thinking like got up early feel so good gonna fucking be so productive and like live today and fucking kill today and then they just kind of like got hat made breakfast for themselves and then like had a business call-ish meeting, but that isn't going to go anywhere. And then was like sat down again and like did some writing on a project. And then like that's when they were like, let me go get a coffee. I need like a break.

And like that's when I caught them. And I would imagine that for everybody that walked in a coffee shop and just be fucking happy. And just think how funny it was that that was their day and then i would also think sometimes like i like make up stories about people that walk in like one person like one of my favorite ones was oh this guy gets so mad he blacks out and like and then he like passes out and falls down a little bit. And then wakes up and is like, oh, what fucking happened? And like he got – and doesn't remember the thing that he got so mad at.

But his heart rate is so accelerated. And like his shirt is up a little bit because he slid down the wall. Dude, that shit is so fun and funny to me and like and then people say shit like let's go to a concert fuck you man fuck you i just want to think of this shit uh it makes me laugh dude today's the day today's the day i get my shit straight and you wake up at 8 30 or maybe nine you know when other people have woken up at like seven and already done shit and you just meet up with some friends oh i love it dude i love it i love it so much man man. It makes me fucking laugh, dude. I love laughing, man. It's better than coming.

You ever see Pumping Iron with Arnold Schwarzenegger when he's doing the fucking weightlifting and he's like, it's better than coming. Like, you know, it's better than coming. The pump, it's better than coming. It's better than coming. The pump, it's better than coming. It's better than coming. Wow. How big was Arnold Schwarzenegger's, how big must his ego have been when he was the best? People still say he was the best physique ever. don't understand that by the way everyone they all look the same to me they literally like some guys yeah

their chest is a little bigger their lats are too big or they're fucking they don't have the christmas tree back or whatever but like most guys all look the same it's better than coming but that's and they judge and they're like that's the guy that's the guy that wins and then the guy in second place is like another guy that looks the same and he does a pump and he's fucking it's better than coming for him too i don't know man I don't know, man. But his physique, dude, those poses are hilarious.

I think I talked about it in my first special. Those poses are so funny. Most of them are so bitch, you know, when they're just like... Showing the tricep one. The tricep one's my favorite. When they just fucking showcase the tricep one. You can see on the video pod but the fucking oh man like what's the end goal you know for that the guy at the gym found a new workout that i like to use to really get that burn what the fuck you look the same what's it for

what's it for well i like to have a strong core you got the core going already the fuck you look the same what's it for what's it for well i like to have a strong core you got the core going already the fuck's the point here i hope that one day i work out so hard i become i i burn i burn up and become a phoenix what's the goal you know the guy who has the orgasms over and over again with a guy who like has who has that what's that fucking condition where you keep coming you don't know what i'm talking about there was a guy on the radio talking about it and it became it was like a little bit viral my google my keep orgasming condition one fire writes in keep orgasming condition, Juanfire writes in. Keep orgasming condition. You got it? Wow.

Persistent genital arousal disorder. What if it was called fucking keep orgasming condition? Dude, the guy keeps coming, and it sucks. And he's like, I hate having orgasms. And he'll just be talking, and he'll just be like, brr. Wait, didn't we talk about it on the text chain? Yeah, we did. I thought you were the one that showed us.

And he was like, brr. And he'll just be talking. Oh, that's different? Oh, it's the guy who couldn't stop burping? Ew. Ew. I thought that guy was the guy that couldn't stop coming. And we said it sounded like he couldn't stop burping.

Oh, okay. Okay. It was burping. And I said, it sounded like he was coming. He was coming. Okay. So anyway, he keeps coming, dude. And he was like, and it's really terrible.

Sometimes it's embarrassing. You know, he's like, I mean, I got to go to funerals and shit. And like, it's sad. And I have to, and I have, and sometimes the orgasms are so intense that i have to like kneel down and come at a funeral i mean how can the best life ever be also the worst life ever you know damn dude i love how it was like signs and symptoms. And then it was like a whole bunch of paragraphs. Like, just say coming. Physical arousal caused by syndrome.

This syndrome can be very intense and persist for extended periods, days or weeks at a time. I mean. I mean, Jesus, with the exception of known triggers, is sudden and unpredictable. Failure or refusal to relieve the

symptoms often results in waves of spontaneous orgasms in women and ejaculation in men. I mean, Jesus Christ, dude. The symptoms can be debilitating, preventing concentration on mundane. Dude, can you make it a little bigger? It seems like I can't read.

I'm just trying to. Mundane. I lost my place. One fire. Mundane tasks. Some situations such as riding an automobile or train, vibrations from mobile phones, and even going to the toilet can aggravate the syndrome unbearably, causing the discomfort to verge on pain.

Oh, God. Taking arguably the best thing in life in life and making it the worst thing in life a dutch study has connected pgad which was is what it is with restless leg syndrome dude no i have restless leg syndrome and that's some shit that I wouldn't believe in until I got, I had, I do it a few years ago. I started getting it. It's maddening. It's maddening. I can't, you can't sleep.

It wakes you up. Sometimes it feels like there's like a little electric current under your skin. Oh, it's the worst dude. It's the worst. It's probably not the worst, but it's the worst, dude. It's the worst. It's probably not the worst, but it's bad. Yeah.

I get that shit. Anyway. Oh, okay. So let's look up these Instagrams. Here we go. Let's look up these Instagrams. Instagram. I had one that was...

All right. Let's stop with the internet. That shit, you know? All right. Here's... Ready for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week uh-oh the most fucked up instagram post

of the week okay look here's what we're doing this is the new year's edition of the most fucked up instagram post of the week somebody sent me this i think it's probably a private account because they uh they screenshotted it to me. This is so annoying, dude. I know. It's just the, what do you call it? The inspirational shit that I can't stand, you know? Promise me. How do people write those little letters on Instagram, you know?

They copy and paste and they make the little letters and shit. It's little enough. That's the little letters on Instagram, you know, they like copy and paste and they make the little letters and shit. That's, I don't want, it's little enough. That's the little letters. Promise me is in it. And then the period is not in little, it's regular. So it's a little too far away. Oh, and there should also shouldn't be a period because it's the same sentence that in 2018, you won't settle. Not in a career that you hate. Not in a town where you don't feel at home. Not with friendships that aren't real. And especially, can you guess it? Guys? Babies, can you guess it?

Not with love. Promise me that this will be the year where you take your life back from what rocked you. That you will remember who you were before you let your faults limit you and begin to let go of the things that you held like sand between your fingertips. Because you empowered your insecurities instead of empowering your confidence. Because you empowered your insecurities instead of empowering your confidence. Promise me that you'll never run back to what shattered your heart, exhausted your mind, and tempered your soul. Promise me that you will no longer give life to experiences that haunt you. I love the fucking similes or whatever the metaphor is.

Like ghosts and find what it is that will grow within you like wildflower and plant only that in the depths of your scars. Oh, Jesus Christ. And plant only that in the depths of your scars. Oh, Jesus Christ. And plant only that in the depths of your scars. And most of all, in caps, promise me that when you gush about love, that you always mention yourself first. What? Cheers to a new year and a whole world of possibilities,

my beautiful angels imagine her going to jail the next day after she wrote that like oh well okay after this gush only about yourself first that's the fucking that is the fucking meme first that's the fucking that is the fucking meme this meme if i ever heard it you know what i mean the dude with the backwards camo hat on with the red cup just like that's that meme if i've ever heard it dude what's that meme called one fire conceited oh he's a rapper that's the conceited meme? That's him. That is the conceited meme if I ever heard.

Dude, the rapper named Conceited, you know? But yeah, dude. Like, come on, dude. Gush about yourself first? Fuck's that even mean? Imagine talking to a person, dude. I love my, I love, first of all, I want to tell you about my new boyfriend, but I fucking love myself. First, I want to tell you, I'm fucking amazed with myself and I love myself. Now, about my boyfriend.

Or about my girlfriend. About my chick. About my new dude. Anyway. People got probs. People got probs people got probs um let's go to twitter huh

I mean this person already asked me about the new year new me shit which is I already talked about Chris D'Elia I saw this is from Laura Brown at Laura Lisa Marie I saw a guy once whose truck was so jacked up he literally needed a step stool to get in thoughts oh come on dude I don't believe that a step stool

you know what I bet yeah that's true you can google image it I'm sure get a car that you can get in you fucking moron get a car that you can get in, you fucking moron. Get a car that you can get in without using another apparatus. Keith Richardson, at KeithRich419. How crazy is it that toupees are a thing? You know, I'd like to say yeah that's pretty insane like if you get hair surgery that's one thing because at least it's then it look it's like it can't fall off but

toupees are pretty wild to me to put a fake piece of hair on your head um now that being said i'm i have a pretty full head of hair. I mean, I guess I have less than I did 10 years ago, but, um, I don't know how it's like, what it's like to be, to be bald yet, or I don't know if I will, but, um, yeah, it's, uh, who knows what that's like. I mean, that's the only thing a guy has to worry about. Dude, one of my dog's heads is inside the other one's mouth. Why is he licking in a mouth?

That's what he does all the time. Yeah, I don't know what that's like. But having a dupe seems pretty weird. Get the surgery. Or wear hats. Or just be bald i think but don't use that spray you know that people do when they're starting to get involved like that's paint hey that's paint you know it's fucking paint dude and you're painting your head It's fucking paint, dude.

And you're painting your head. What the fuck is wrong with everybody? Pretty wild that we paint our heads. And that's infomercial. That's got infomercial written all over it. If there weren't infomercials, that wouldn't exist. Look how beautiful it looks when you just apply, even though they mean paint. You apply a little bit to the top of the head. Oh, his head is painted.

Anyway. All right. That's it, I's it I think I think we're done thanks for listening you guys it's a new year so help me out with some more let's build this cult because I'm not

I'm not doing this if it doesn't keep growing it's like a business businesses have to grow or they stop and I will stop mark my fucking words. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Watch it on YouTube. Download the Chris D'Elia app for iOS or Android. Got the app here. I post on there different stuff. I post on Instagram and all that shit. It's more day in the life, daily life shit. Subscribe, rate, and review the show. Tweet me. Video episodes come up tuesdays

or wednesdays upcoming shows buy tickets on chris talia.com winnipeg calgary saskatchewan pasadena tampa florida upcoming shows chris talia.com watch my specials uh watch my specials and oh i'm on a new show called alone together and uh um i'm on a new show called Alone Together. And I'm on a new show called Alone Together. It's on Freeform and they just released the pilot. I think just the first episode on the internet. So you can Google that. And I'm not on every episode. I play the main guy's older brother. So I'm in a few of the, I think two or three of the episodes. Anyway, so thank you for listening. This episode is brought to you by Blue Apron.

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get it for iOS or Android now. Thanks, my babies. Remember, new year, same year. Congratulations.......... ...