Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 492. The Absence of Light

Episode Date: February 19, 2026

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drunk. Hey guys, hello. This is the podcast. Congratulations. And lo and behold, it's episode 492. So, guys, thank you. And thanks to Legends, the social casino and sportsbook for sponsoring this episode. You guys appreciate you.

I was in Canada. I was in, or as Jean-Claude Van Den would say, Canada. And I was there, and I will be going to Australia next. Wow. I can't believe it's already here. Australia is next. And then I will be in since, I don't know, Columbus. Who knows?

It just keeps going. I'm basically a fireman gone for a few days a week. Somebody said that to me. I don't even know if that's true or not. But he's smart and I respect him. So it's probably right. I go, yeah, because they live there, right? Yeah, okay.

But yeah, so I'll be in Miami. I'll be in Denver. I'll be in. Austin is coming up next to and Vancouver and all that stuff. Go to chryslea.com get tickets. Man, I had a good time with these shows. I did two shows in Montreal and then one in Ottawa.

And Ottawa always is a good crowd, man. Always. I mean, they were just so good. And I didn't forget it about them, but they sure did remind me. I love it when it works out like that. When the energy is just reciprocal, you know um but uh yeah i i am uh here now i just landed and i mean dude i don't even know

uh people are like talk about i i i what i did the other day like maybe even four or five days ago i sat down and i and in my head i i just go like i say in my head i say oh yeah vacations because I haven't I haven't been you know and I know that like

if you work a 9 to 5 you know you have one of those things where you're like oh dude can't wait till my two weeks vacation or whatever does you take vacation time you know and oh what happened here this got messed up well whatever it's fine I'll fix it

but it needs to be fixed but that's okay now yeah vacation not whatever keep going we had a little snafu here on the I've never said snafu before hey myself but anyway I

yeah the arm the podcast arm my kids came in here probably and just threw a book on it or something I am here I've been on so many planes

and what's up with a vacation is what I'm trying to say. Who goes? Who goes? And how long would I be gone? You know? And where would it be? And what do you do there? You know? And people think like, you know, I think people probably think guys like me take vacations and stuff and like, you know, but like, where do I go, though? You can go to Hawaii. You can go to anywhere and stuff. and boy, I really got to, I really got to figure that out because we used to take vacations as a kid. My parents, we would go.

And the whole vacation would start, um, we wouldn't start until my dad would get mad at somebody at the hotel for doing something wrong because, and he would just, he'd be like, this is the room that they, this isn't the, it's,

I asked for the, you know, back when you can like, when you used to be able to complain about stuff, and now you can't, because like it's a salt, you know? You used to be able to like, and this isn't what I signed up for. And it didn't, they don't care.

Customer service, they don't care. Now they go, oh, we tried. Look, we get it. We're sorry. They really do. They go, we tried so. We tried medium hard. There's just a lot of guys here.

Like, dude, hotels don't even have like bellhops anymore. They don't have room service. Remember just like every hotel had all that. And now they're like, oh yeah no we don't actually vacations aren't even vacations anymore it feels like i don't know i haven't been in one in a while but um yeah it's like

but i started reading so now now this is the thing i'm 45 i started reading i've been really in my i don't say this a lot but i've been in my reading bag you know so uh i i've been reading so now when i'm on vacation i already had this idea where i'm I'm reading stuff. Dude, I'm like a chick. I'm a chick. I'm a chick. I have ideas.

Great. I'm a chick, great. There was a, it was so windy the other day. Here in, where I live. And where was Kristen? She wasn't here,

but the boys were. And the power just goes, ooh, out. It was the absence of light. You, it was so dark immediately that you felt swallowed. Pause.

You know what I mean? It was so dark immediately that you literally felt swallowed. Pause. Okay? And I go, uh-oh. I immediately go, uh-oh. Because one thing you don't really realize about the power going out is how much shit sounds. That's the end of the sentence.

Right? Like here's when the power's on, this is what it sounds like. And then when a power goes off, it goes like this. And you go, whoa, dude, I got swallowed. Pause. And then you go, uh, where are my kids? Did my kids get swallowed? Pause?

You go, what happened? And you literally pause, though. You do pause. All jokes aside, you pause. you go, fuck, can't make a move. If I make one move, I break my foot. I fall, I break a, I for sure really bruise an elbow. I step on something sharp that a ninja, you know,

that a ninja fucking was just threw out to booby-trap me after the fucking, after I got swallowed, pause. And, um, and dude, it just like. Like, so in the other room, my kids were playing in the other room, Billy and Calvin, and the power went out. It went from, dude, I used to, here's what it sounds like with the power. And then when the power goes out, it sounds like it's swallowed. And so, so I go, uh-oh.

And I hear from the other room. Because, dude, if you're two or five and the lights go out, all of them will have. Right? Now, if I'm 45, which I am, and the lights go out, I know exactly what happened. I go, oh, shit, it's windy. I know what happened. A cable got knocked down or something. You know? But when you're five, you go, what happened? And it turns into a, they were screaming. And I couldn't run after them because my eyes weren't adjusted. So I'm like, guys, it's going to be fine from the other and they're just screaming. Like, you know, it's that terrifying scream

where they're just like, I've never, there's a thing that babies do where it's like, I've never experienced something like this. What's happening? Is this going to be a part of what life is like from now on? You know?

You know what's probably like that? Coming out of your mom, right? I mean, it's probably so dope in there. It's, you know, first of all, it's warm. Second of all, you got all the food. It's connect. You don't even need to go to the fridge. It's there.

You go, hope she eats soon. And she does because she's pregnant. And you get to, like, store food and stuff and there's sacks in there. It's the shit. And then you have to come out. That's the worst part of life, realizing you go, oh, no, man, I don't get to be up in there anymore. And then so this. this is what when the power goes out is like you know like i remember when calvinate ice cream for the first

time he goes you know what I mean it was just like uh-cung gung gong gong gong gong gong gong gong g uh you know and uh so So they're screaming. And I'm like, it's fine. And I'm walking around like a bitch ass, you know? Like nobody, but the good thing is nobody can see me. Unless, of course, my power's out because my house is being robbed and they have night vision, which is for sure my thought, but I thought, but I do think of. But I go, ah, they're just going to figure it.

But they're going to get me anyway, you know? Because that's the thing. It's like, you don't want to, oh, fuck, God. You think about shit like that. It's like, you guys get the power cut out and then they get assassinated and shit. It's like, dude. what a bitch way to go. Because your last thought is,

where is everything? You know? And then fucking, and you just crumple over. So I'm doing that fucking, like I'm walking in a pool. You know what I mean? And I'm trying to get over to them

and I'm stepping on shit. And by the time I get there, the lights turn back on. And the lights turn back on, I see them both in. They're like this. And I just grab them and I hug them. And they were like,

and Calvin's like, it's so scary. And Billy's like, it's old. And I just held them. And then my wife got home, we went up to put them to bed, and then the power went out again. And we were all in the same bed and we couldn't leave because it was too scary for them. And the power stayed out the whole night. So it's just, you know, it's too much.

It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, I will remember that, though. You know, those moments. that you'll remember. I've been trying to wake up and be positive about stuff and I forget about that about five minutes into the day. If that.

I wake up, I go, oh man, it's going to be a great, oh, fuck. Look at all this. Look at it, look at it. Look on the news. I try to, I got to not look at the news, dude.

I don't want to go down that road. Bro, you can choose how you are, you know? Like straight up. Fuck, you can choose how you are. And sometimes I just choose you know what today's a fucking a wash today's a net negative on the plane today dude i i i went in i was in about six different moods before takeoff on the plane i we i

first of all i get on the plane i'm in i don't even know where it was the lady thank god it was the shorter flight the lady says hi sweetheart the the you know the stewardess and i go ah that's so nice you know to just call someone sweetheart You know? Like, especially a woman to a man, because there's no threat of you're going to get bludgeoned, you know? And, like, to half the time, a man says sweetheart to a woman, it's not because, you know, it's like, what's that sweetheart? Let's add you stupid bitch. Ah, beautiful.

Let's see them. um dump them out sweetheart there it is nice sweetheart oh thanks sweetheart

and so and so she said sweetheart you know oh so sweet and I sat down and this

lady I mean God bless but this lady would not I mean you know how like when they take the thing and they go

hello a power flower you know how it's a phone receiver this lady thought she was on the phone it was dude I timed it I would go all right minutes at a time minute you know how long that is minutes

describing shit that didn't need to be described. You know, because we get the baggage claim, what happens is the bag of and it turns down and don't make sure to when you go, you pass a little Starbucks and you're just like, oh, and fucking so loud. And here's what pissed me off.

I looked around to everybody, because you know you can make eye contact with people when stuff like that's happening, you know? And you go, hey, what the one? Right? Nobody looked at me. Everybody was foreign and I don't know if they knew she was being loud. There were like Indians and French people on it and shit.

but she was so fucking loud. And I, I, and then she, she came by me and she would be like, would you like a delicious snack? Like, dude, and I'm just like, oh, sure. I take one. She's, take another one. And I go, oh, that's okay. And she would like pop from behind me and be like, do you need more water?

Dude, it was, it was, it was, it was so off putting and it was so disconcerting. And it made my, you know, what it fucked up my central nervous system and thank you very much lady but uh she took her job so seriously but it was like the thing where it was like all right you don't have to do it so much like she was doing the exit she was going like she was literally like taking the oxygen mask and going like this and like and then she'd take up the placard and like i was like oh my god you know what she was like a fucking uh uh uh uh a rob schneider character in an Adam Sandler movie.

But yeah, it was too much, and I was really working me, dude. It was working me, bro. And I just did, I didn't want it to work me, but it was just, I had to acquiesce, she was working me, man. And it wasn't about me, right? And then there was turbulence.

I was a mess. I'm going to be honest with you guys, I was a mess today. And, uh, had a low-grade panic attack on the plane so it's all good uh could stop my heart from me yeah that's great so i laughed so hard i before i went on stage in ottawa dude and here's the thing dude okay i found a video that i go i go okay okay okay god or whatever you know whoever's in charge all right thank you algorithm. I know it's the algorithm, but thank you real algorithm for giving me that in my life.

Do you understand? Right? Like the real algorithm? Like, for instance, when you're walking down the street and you see somebody fall, you go, oh, fuck, that's the real algorithm. That's the algorithm I play. You know what I'm saying? But something on my algorithm broke through to the real algorithm. So now it's an experience because I saw it. Okay. And it's, dude, and I'm already laughing, man. I go, I, first of all, the Brad, the, okay, Brad Pitt, the, the, the, the, the, the outtake from that stupid fucking money bullet train, whatever the hell it is. Bullet, Money, Money, train, Bullet train. Bullet train. Why did I think money was it? Because there's a money train movie with Wesley snipes and the other guy who's in everything.

Woody Helson. And so, bro, I'm just going to play it. I played it. I got it before I went on stage in Ottawa, okay? Played it.

Laughed my ass off. And then after that, had a great fucking show because of it. thank you, Brad Pitt and real algorithm. And then afterwards, I'm coming off stage and I realize I'm smiling and I laugh out loud because I'm thinking of the Brad Pitt thing. Dude, after, it, it, it, let's just watch it, dude. This to me is pinnacle, dude.

Pinnacle! It's peak. It is the beautiful essence of what humor is. Dude. I love this. And dude, I've shown it to so many people and so many people just go, I don't know. And fuck you, bro. That's okay. Here we go. I'd look at myself in that mirror. I didn't like what I saw. Bro, bro. Wait, listen. Let's watch it again. You know, I took a good, hard look at myself in that mirror. I didn't like what I saw.

Dude, if I'm on set when that happens, that's a wrap. We're done with the movie. This to end scene. Dude, I cannot. This is, it jacked me off. Dude, this was so good because, bro, first of all, look, movies are so stupid. Okay? They're so dumb, right?

You got a guy that's like pretending he's in trouble and there's nine cameras on him. And he has to say the same thing 65 times to other guys pretending other things. And the camera's not even on those guys half the time. Okay. And you get guys like Brad Pitt playing it. Okay? Now look, have you ever seen a guy like Brad Pitt? No.

They're just not around, okay? But in the movie, or in movies, Brad Pitt is in that world just kind of walking around. And regular fat people will see him and like frumpy moms will see him and ugly kids. I mean, sometimes even like a fucking troglodyte. It depends on what the movie is, right? But this beautiful man is just like, put it this way.

on a train? Are you... Okay, so we'll suspend the disbelief, right? Because, you know why? Because there's movies like Transformers. Because there's movies like Lord of the Rings, right? Because there's movies like Speed Racer, because there's movies like fucking Robocop.

You know what I'm saying? Because there's movies that don't even make sense, like Mulholland Drive, right? I mean, there's nuts movies. There's crazy fucking... Sometimes they'll even make a movie that's about history, and it's still made up.

Like what Quinn Tarantino did. What the fucking movie Brad Pay was in last? With the fucking Leonardo Caprio on the old time of Hollywood shit. What was it called? What's upon a time of Hollywood? That's a real, they're like, this really happened.

But then it's like Bruce Lee's also six feet tall in it or something? I don't know. It's fallacy. But what I'm saying is movies are just ridiculous. Okay? And then you got to suspend your disbelief, okay? And then you, And but they start with the right the writer starts it right the writer's like I'm gonna make this guy this character this that

This that the other thing he's gonna have a thing and he's gonna you know He he he doesn't he used to work do this and now he's retired He doesn't want to get back into that lifestyle and he's got these quirks and shit and then they just like And you and then they get like Brad Pitt or a George Clooney to play them and you go all right. Okay, so Okay, that's fine. But the fact that Brad Pitt had to say, You know, I took a good, hard look at myself in that mirror. I didn't like what I saw.

And then, and then, dude, he had to say it. And he knows who he is, bro. And that is the most, I can't. It's so hard to describe how much I like that kind of thing, because he God, he knows he's Brad Pitt and he knows dude, he was like,

in that moment he was like, my life is fucking ridiculous. I mean, everything came flooding to him. Whether he knows it or not, by the way, could be subconscious, but everything was just swirling around in his brain.

I'm so handsome. I make tens of millions of dollars. I produced 12, 12 years as a slave, and I look like this. And I have to say this on a train, dude. And he says, I looked at myself and I didn't like what I saw. And the silliness of it, oh, bro, I'm screaming in my green room laughing. And he can't even spit it out.

And I go, Brad Pitt, because of this, is my sixth best friend. Dude Good hard look at myself in that mirror Oh just the fucking cliche Of even saying that is already Bonkers, okay? And then it's prep and everyone Everyone in the movie theater is going like this Oh here we go again and then I didn't like what I saw

And then And then the breath he takes before I had to be out of it dude Oh my God Movies are so dumb and this right here is peak, it's peak, you don't get a more pure moment than this. And I remember when I first saw that two days ago, I literally thanked no one. I go, thanks. Because I'm so grateful I got to see that.

Dude, I am so lucky I got to see this fucking video for fuck. sake, man. If I was there, dude, nobody would have liked me afterwards. I would have been fucking running around screaming like a black guy who just saw magic. Craft service guys laughing. You know, I took a good, hard look at myself in that mirror. I didn't like what I saw.

Oh, fuck, man. Woke up the next day and I thought about it and laughed. I love shit like that. Ah. Hey, dude. There's enough competitions. I saw this. The kissing competition.

Bye. Hey. No. Hey. You know, only women can be involved, you know. A guy would just be drunk. I got one kiss. There's a really long, though.

I got it. I went from, it was on her cheek. I know you're supposed to do a bunch of different ones. But I had, I had, my kiss on her cheek. I put it to their mouth and then I went down in their tits. Look how stupid this is. This fucking lady. A woodpecker.

Just fucking. How do you not laugh? The other lady. She's just like this. Hey, where do you practice? Also, why do you have to do it to a face? Put a wood plank up there. The other person is doing nothing. The kissers doing the heavy lifting.

Dude. She did it 31 times. It's too many. London, UK, Joshua Saunders and Jimmy, Jenny. Wait, is that a... Oh, that's a guy? That's a guy. Oh, boy.

All right. Thought it was a woman. 10 seconds past. He's killing it. Bro. This is one of those things that you know he's not the best at it. because they're just other people who might even break the world record would be like, oh yeah, but that's fucking stupid. I could kiss fast. You go like this, I kiss fast or not.

And they go, oh, yeah, but I'm the world record champion. You go, okay, I'm going to go to the supermarket. Imagine they, imagine you did this and you started to, what I want to see is after like a full, uh, I think what they should do is test this guy for performance substances. because this is not you can't go that 10 seconds remaining I mean do the timer you

how many times can I do it oh I fucking I'm smoking this motherfucker are you kidding me for real oh I'm smoking them and I'm not even joking come on I'm smoking this motherfucker and I'm not even lying look at that that's faster than him

I'm not even playing I joke around a lot in this podcast but I'm gonna go to London when is it London what 100 11 kisses in 30 seconds set by a tie couple in 2000? This was 2018.

Yo. Somebody sent this guy, this shit. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Ice him. Imagine you're the man. You're the fucking Hacksaw Jim Duggan of kissing contests. I remember when my dad learned who

the barber beefcake was and he fucking laughed for a day and a half. He couldn't a stand that the guy's name was Brett the barber beefcake. And he laughed for days. There are those sports, you know, there are those sports, that's not really sports,

more performance, but because the Olympics have started. And there are those Olympic sports where that you go, where you go, and I must have said this on this podcast before, but where you go, okay. There are more things, though, now. Hey, soutdated.

Curling? Soutdated. What's the one where they ski and shoot, biathlon? Hey, that's two things. You can't just combine them. What is it? Fucking oatmeal. It's just, you know,

you don't eat just plain oatmeal, but you can plain ski and plane shoot. You get a little bit greedy with it. You know what I mean? Olympics, get a little bit greedy with it. Yeah, bro. The curling, those motherfuckers. Here's how you know curling is for the birds.

There's like 50-year-olds in it. Retired janitors. I've been thinking of taking up curling. Turn the heat off, yeah? Is that the heat? Curling, I guess there's drama. Guys, there was a fight. Look at this.

To a Canadian. What's the show? What do you want to show me? It's real. So you have to let go before So you have to let go before the green line, right? And they're saying he didn't? No?

Oh, watch. Okay. So Canadian. House. Ah, so northern Canadian, dude. You can just fuck off, huh? I mean, the stance that they get in. Dude, this whole game is fucking stupid.

Look, the guy, too. Mm-hmm. That did happen, yeah. Can we talk about basketball? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. This is very outdated. You know that, right? Mm-hmm.

Children's toys used to be little wooden pieces of shit. You know that? Yeah. Now they have switches, bitch. Can we talk about baseball, please? Mm-hmm. The Canadian apology. Right here.

Matt Kennedy, looking forward to moving on from heated exchange with it. Talk about heated rivalry, bro. From it, you know, to be completely honest with you, I probably could have handled myself better in the moment. Not to me. My whole life, I've been a little bit like that if my integrity gets questioned.

We're human out there. There's a lot of emotions. No question I could have handled it better, though. And I know I'm a role model for Canadian curlers. So if I apologize at all, it's to the young curlers around the country. Oh, the young curlers around the country, dude. Yeah, those 45-year-olds. Or for me in that moment.

So, you know, that's where I feel a little bit bad for it. But, you know, also felt like I was defending and standing up for my teammates and myself in a moment. It was kind of tough on us all game with sweet. That's political. Ah, you push a dish on the ice, um. Ah, you push a dish on the ice. Dude, can you be rich as a curler? So if you win curling, did you get pussy?

Look, it's him. What? It's him. How do you know? He bought me a drink from the opposite side of the bar and shuck it right to me. The bartender with the with the napkin. Hey, I want to go. Hey, I want to get that girl to drink.

You ready? Yeah. Bartender. It's him. Hey, it's me. What am I? Why do I do it? So he is Canadian and that happened.

And that's great, dude. And I'm glad that Canada and Sweden can, uh, worked you know i'm glad they worked it out uh i do i i i didn't what was the thing where you what's the one where they deluge yeah where two guys basically just bro i don't i know tradition this is what i think i think tradition is a problem i really think it's a problem if it wasn't for tradition you know how many less wars we would have, how much less boring shit we'd have to do too. Tradition sucks.

Once I realize something's cool and I want to do it the next year, I'll never do it again. No, that's it. We're not building a fucking culture around a good time, dude. It was the time. What's the next one? We had a good time. Hey, do you guys like all that? Yeah?

When we pushed the fucking thing across the ice and then the guy sweeped in front of it? Yeah? Cool. Well, I hope you liked it. We're never fucking doing it again. But it could be tradition. It could be, oh, it could be tradition, could it? Oh, yeah?

Well, no. Because let me tell you something, dude. That's how a lot of wars start. My great dad. Yeah, bro. You know, just look at what's happening over in the fucking other side of the other side of the world. It's like, many more, man.

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who do you think you are? You know what I mean? But good. Congratulations. And that's great. They got rid of the wrong thing on the Olympics, 100%.

They used to have this ski ballet. Are you kidding me? You know what sucks? Ballet. Okay? You know what sucks? A lot of Olympic sports.

You know what doesn't suck? Ski ballet. That's something that they figured out how to do it. I mean, this shit right here is like, you know, peanut butter and chocolate. And they just got rid of it. Oh, and there's got to be footage of guys ski ballet. I would... Look at this.

First of all, going to poke out somebody's fucking eye. Never take... There's no reason for the ski poles to be this high. They're only for digging in the snow, but I love it, but, and they got rid of it, and I'm so pissed off. Here we go. Switch. Full of bitch shit, this one. Oh, ordinary.

And, and take a big, so bitch. And, oh, oh, smith. Oh, my God, dude. When, we, when she did it. Oh, this is. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, so bitch. Same move as everyone else. Dude, there's like four moves.

What else could, what else could you do? There's too much. It just did that. It's a bitch. Glasses came off a little bit. Oh, a samurai. Going the wrong way. It's so nervous.

This is great. This is nothing. 10. 10. If you saw a lady doing this and you were skiing, you'd be like, oh shit, dude. Go get security. Wee. That would be my thing.

Just going wee the whole time. Oh, that's kind of dope, actually. one. This music is fucking bitch. That's the only move that anyone does. It's the only move that anyone does. A samurai. The next to the last samurai. How'd they get rid of that, dude?

You know what? They need to bring that back. They really do. Wait, where's that Rick? Oh, yeah, here we go. The Rick Ross one. Bro. Rick Ross. Okay.

I know that rap. You get to a point where you've been rapping for so long or producing or whatever the fuck. That you got to get ridiculous. Like this is so, well, let's just play here. I was just telling you're man. I'm a little, I'm a little upset that I'm the only TMZ guy that doesn't have a name. So I thought my name's JP. How does jargon sound?

I can't believe how much. And I just figured it out. I cannot fucking believe how much Rick Ross looks like an 8-year-old from New Jersey I can't

fucking believe it, dude I cannot believe it look at the way he looks walking up I was just telling your man I'm a little I'm a little upset that I'm only

8 years off in New Jersey JP how does Jarvis sound don't you ever tell me the name that you should have just so tired to be in the boss you know I gotta do it though

You know Here they come Here TMZ come I gotta be the boss God damn it Gotta tell them There's something They're doing is wrong

Don't you ever come up to me And ask What did you ask Don't ever do that Whatever you did Don't ever do that Just bought this hat Found it

Put it on It's winter wearing shorts boss you ain't in position to tell me nothing so tired dude dude

dude is exhausted dude is exhausted dude is exhausted got in the biggest fight with his wife like earlier on in the day and has been out since the daytime

with his buddies and they're catching him out of being at P.F. Chang's for five and a half hours. Look, here they come. Is it TMZ? God damn it. I got to tell them what they're doing is wrong. Boss. Hey, don't you ever come out to me after P.F. Chang's.

Boss. Hey, don't you ever come up to me with a, what a, what a, what a, what a, what a, what a, phone recorder me on you. your shoulder. I found this hat. Understood, sir. So, so polite. Dude, so polite and knows it's a ruse and just going with it and fucking with him. Be quiet. A said it out of pure exhaustion. He goes, be quiet. He is so tired. He ate so. It's so. many fucking lettuce raps, dude. And so many fucking lettuce raps, dude. Fry rice hit me again. He said,

fucking three hours ago. Let me get the dumplings with the soft ones on the top. With it soft ones, you know how you're the crispy ones and the soft ones? Get a soft one. Don't you ever bring them fucking crispy ones? God damn phone been running off the heck from my butt, my fucking wife, boss. whose hat is that put it on my head who Pittsburgh fucking hockey hat is that

that's Pittsburgh right what is it Penguin give me that bro oh here they all right all right

all right let's go five and a half hours later fuck PF Chang's boss don't you don't you ever have this restaurant be so brown

don't you ever have hook boots in here ever see you don't stop wearing white shirts and long black tires, boss. Don't you ever give me fucking...

Don't you ever give me steam dumplings in them fucking baskets that you have to open, boss. Fuck you. Don't you ever put some fucking steam bump... Don't you ever put steam dumplings on some banana leaves and close it with a basket like that. Don't you ever put... Don't you ever put steam...

You ever put Steve shrimp dumplings on the fucking on banana leaves like that and close it in a wicker basket? Boss. Who hat is that? Anybody have a penguin hat? You listen to me. So tired. It's a cold night. See too many movies.

Buying time with that line. Buying time with that line. It's a cold night. Oh, what an supreme. Asshole, dude. What a supreme asshole, dude. It's a beautiful night. Bine time.

I feel great. Bine time. Doesn't even know what he's going to say. I guarantee you at this point. He's still like, man, so tired. I don't even know what the fuck I'm going to say. Great. I don't like those earrings in your ear.

Stack! Dude. Eight, eight years old. Eight years old from New Jersey. I don't like those earrings in you at you. It look horrible. I don't look horrible. Double down.

Because you have. on the Miami Heat Hat, and you're representing the greatest team. I have never seen somebody talking at more moments during the sentence where they don't know where the sentence is going. I have never seen somebody with more. This dude is just collecting moments. He's just collecting unsure moments during the sentence. Don't you ever.

It's cold out I don't like your earrings. They're fucking horrible, but because you got a Miami hat on. You don't need AI agents, which may sound weird coming from service now, the leader in AI agents. The truth is,

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You understand? I understand, sir. Didn't say. This hadn't said legitimately said nothing. Let's start it. I'm sorry. We got to start over. I know sometimes get pissed.

I start over. Boy, you got to start over. I was just telling your man. So tired. I'm a little upset that I'm the only 10th guy that doesn't have a name. So I thought my name's JP. How does Jarvis sound?

Don't you ever tell me the name that you should have? You're in a position to tell me nothing. Bro, bro. Everybody in the world does that. Hi, I'm Rick. Just so confrontational, dude. Understood, sir. So I love how the guy just goes.

understood sir Quiet. You listen to me. It's a cold night. So dumb. Somebody should just clock them right there. I feel great. I look great.

You know. I don't like those earrings in your ear. They look horrible. Okay. But because you have on a Miami Heat hat and you represent the greatest team in the National Basketball Association that lets me know that you do have some

young. Said nothing. I understand, sir. But how was Cleavis and Harvest? Clevis and Harvest is doing good, man. They're doing, they're doing well, staying warm in L.A. That's bad news. Bad news?

Yeah, but listen. You eat pork? Sure. You eat pork. Of course. I can smell it on your breath. I can smell it on you. You just ate a Garcia sausage, pork's Garcia sausage.

It was a premium sausage, but it was close. A premium sauce? Premium. You ate a sausage and then you came and talked to the boss. I had to- Just offended it everything. What'd you do before that? I was at CVS.

I had to pick up a prescription. And you got the audacity to be picking up prescriptions before you go get a sausage. And then come talk to the boss, jiggling with your pills around and your pants like that. Dude. This guy said, bro, shazammed his breath. He's fucking shazanned his breath.

He held the phone up in the air to his breath. Can you smell? What is he, a St. Bernard? Dude should be a fucking Somalié. The guy's a pork Somalié, dude. You eat pork? Oh, no. The pork whisperer, dude.

No, we don't know what he ate. We got to get fucking the boss on the... Who are we going to get on the case? Bose. This summer. You eat tuna? Yeah. Albuquer.

Book them. Boss, cut. Don't you ever stop the motherfucking take. God damn. What are you? He's so rude. Oh, shit when you talk. Let me back up on you.

See? You smell that? You could tell about the smell of my shirt. shit i ate doritos i didn't have any greenery to wash it down with man hey tmz guy you're amping it up a disgusting not i didn't have any greenery to wash it down disgusting hey guy hey guy quit while you're ahead you know dude i didn't have any greenery to wash it down afterwards. Disgusting, bro. You need Bel Air. We need

Sarat. You need something to drink with it. But listen, you tell Cleavis and Hervis, don't send nobody out here that's dressed like this. Doesn't know how this works. You understand? I need take those earrings out of your ear, and I need somebody that's more. You understand?

Said nothing. Don't take it personal. Don't take it personal. A piece of shit smelling like, Paul. With the shitty-ass earrings that dress not good don't take it personal be somebody okay inspirational you're not jaw you're not cleavis and you're not hurtless you're trying to tell me you're jarvis you know jaw head that's what you is that's your name jar head

go got got dude his buddies dude did the security and shit they're just like this they're just like this whole time like they're fucking uh wacky inflatables or bowling pins. How did he fucking how did he do that? You know what he's crazy is he reveled in it. He didn't move back. He enjoyed the smell. That's why, because you got to love what you do. Shazam this breath.

Oh, man. And don't you ever eat sausage and come talk to the boss. Don't you ever eat sausage and come talk to the boss? if that's not a shirt that fucking you know

white dad's on vacation will start wearing then I don't know one then I don't know it wow I if you know what you tell me right now this motherfucker wasn't eating trying

at P.F. Chang's beforehand kiss my ass kiss my ass probably just oh the most the whiteest sound of all time is that playing basketball Boston College probably just like.

Damn. This guy's taking his time like Trudeau. What are you going to take away is your best memory from playing basketball at Boston College? Oh, bro. Probably just like. Oh, I thought he was getting emotional. Oh, he's trying to cover it up.

Oh, dude. This is simple. This is simple. This guy and Rick Ross will get along, you know? What's your favorite memory of college basketball? Probably just going out to eat, literally in his head while he was down there thinking of what to say. All these images of like fucking straight up gambling, doing blow, like orgies, gay shit that, you know, just like stuff you never thought he'd be doing. Like even like smashing grapes.

He went smashing grapes in Napa Valley with a few teammates once. And he just like, all of it, and just was getting so emotional and then just goes, going out to eat. Bro, that's so dope. I get it. God, what did you? What a joke that fucking Rick Ross thing is. Holy shit.

Oh, rest of peace to, uh, honestly to Robert DeVall. I was always like, he was one of those guys where it's like, you'd remember. And no disrespect. Dude, the guy's phenomenal. But you're like, you, you'd remember him. you go, how was he still alive, dude? Life is so long for some people, you know? You know, he got to hit.

He wants to have been like 100 or Betty White type shit. How old was he? 95. You know, that means that if Robert DeVall was born, if he was born in 1990, he would have probably lived to be 150. With the biohacking that you can do and stuff now, that would have been on peptides.

we've been 190 filming Godfather 7. All right, guys, I'm going to be on the road. Go chrysley.com to get tickets. Say what's up, and I'll see you soon. Thanks.