Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 494. Two Drunk Lions

Episode Date: March 5, 2026

Get a shoutout on Congratulations: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠holler.baby/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠��⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🎤 Watch GROW OR DIE on YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠WATCH⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. 🎰 Legendz Social Casino and Sportsbook. 100% match on your first purchase. (up to $100) ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠legendz.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ This week Chris takes a look at some criminal celebrities, decides he could never stab someone, and has beef with microplastics. Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram, X, and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠instagram.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🕺 TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠tiktok.com/@chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🎮 Twitch: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠twitch.tv/chrisdelialive⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 𝕏 X: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠x.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 👤 Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

At Desjardin, we speak business. We speak equipment modernization. We're fluent in data digitization and expansion into foreign markets. And we can talk all day about streamlining manufacturing processes. Because at Desjardin business, we speak the same language you do. Business. So join the more than 400,000 Canadian entrepreneurs who already count on us. And contact Desjardin today.

We'd love to talk, business. Runk. Hey guys, what's up? It's episode 494 of congratulations. It's episode 494. And this is, you know, the episode, by the way, this episode, something interesting about this episode is it's, you know, March 4th on Patreon, March 5th on YouTube. I would usually be recording this on March 2nd to be as current. Because I don't want to, you know, Just for you guys. So you guys get the most current version of me. But this week, I can't do that. Or I already did it. Because I'm in Australia. And as you can see, I'm in my house right now.

So what I did was pre-recorded. So look, if anything happened in the last news cycle, I don't have an opinion on it. I mean, now. I mean, I do, but somewhere in Australia, not here. So basically what I'm doing is this weekend, this episode is two weeks old, is what I'm saying. And you're welcome because it's brand new. It's brand new and two weeks old for you guys. So I'm still doing it.

You know, I thought about not doing it. But, you know, I just, I thought it might as well just do it and keep it going because I know a lot of people like this podcast and sometimes I gotta be honest I'm like, why? Dude, why? Because, you know, you know, there are, there have been times where I've thought

how long do I keep this podcast going? And when I say that, I get messages that say, please don't stop this podcast. And I go, fuck, man. All right. It's like in, when they were kept on to, not that this is as successful as Seinfeld, but when they kept on saying to Larry David,

we're going to make the show Seinfeld, and they kept picking it up. And he was like, I can't keep writing about nothing. That's kind of how I feel. I guess I'll just keep talking till we all explore. Till we all explored. But anyway, thank you to Legends, the social casino and sportsbook for sponsoring this episode.

And it is episode 484. Now, I've talked, like, If you, you know, we're coming up on episode 500, okay, which first of all, it's crazy. If you had asked me, and I didn't know about it, like, if I didn't think about episodes of podcasts, if you asked me, how many hours have you talked in the world in history, I would have been like, oh, shit, a few hundred. But it's way more than that, dude. And then I think about how annoying I am.

Well, first of all, I talk on the podcast, once a week for the past seven, eight years, whatever the fuck. It's 494 times at least. So it's 494 hours. I also perform every weekend three to five times. So that's five hours of talking. I also talk to people, you know? Like friends, I'd rather text. Like my friend told me today, he was like, hey, do.

dude, want to catch up on the phone? And he's in Alabama. And I'm in Los Angeles. And it was, let's see, eight. It was like nine o'clock in the morning in Los Angeles. And I was at this coffee place. And I was like, he said, want to, he called me the other day. I said, you want to, he said, you want to, I said, sorry, bro.

I was at a water park. And he said, oh, wow, that's hilarious. He's like, want to chat and catch up for a few now? and I just, I sat there and I, and I go, and in my head I thought, oh my God, I don't want to do that so bad. And I love him. I love that guy. I love being around that guy. He's one of my great oldest friends.

And, and you know what? I'd love to catch up with him. But I don't want to be using all the phone and holding it to my ear and connected, right? And why does he? He's got three kids. He's a guy. He works. You know, I understand women, they want to catch up and connect to other women and men.

But men, but, and I was like, why does he want to? And so I text him back, bro, no way, I'm so tired. Things you absolutely can't say to a woman. And then he wrote, ha, ha, yeah, I get it. I just started making breakfast at a 10.30. And I was like, really? He said, yeah. And then he started talking about his day.

He woke up at 6.30. You had to get a kid one for school, kid two for school, then kid three emotionally regulated. I'm like, oh, man, why the fuck did you want to talk? It's too hard. It's sometimes, you know,

I used to, it used to be, it used to be, uh, uh, uh, when I was a teenager, I'd walk around the mall. And I'd come home and I'd be like,

oh my God. that's the hardest thing to do. And I know it sounds privileged, but if you actually think of the mental and physical load you're carrying, walking by a Zales, walking by a Forever 21, walking by a warehouse music back then, you know,

with something, walking by a Banana Republic. You sit and you go, wow, it's actually fucking exhausting going to the mall. And it's more exhausting than working out. Yeah. Working out is taxing physically. But going to the mall as a teenager, you go, oh, fuck, man.

That really wore me out. Okay. And then after that, you start getting into being in your 20s and you start doing stuff like going to the beach with your friends. And then you realize, oh, shit, dude. Nothing is actually more exhausting than being at a beach. And you go, but that's relaxing. And you say, yeah, but it's, it is kind of, but the sun wears you out and you're driving and you're battling traffic. You're looking for a fucking parking space.

And then you got to go back and forth to the guy. And you're like, is it okay to park here? And he's like, yeah, but only until five. And you're like, are we going to be here to pass five or what it's going to be? It's probably going to be, oh, no, because I forgot at 4.30, the beach gets to be four degrees for some reason. Right? after 2.30, the beach drops 50 degrees. So, you know, you're walking back and then you go and you sit, you prop it all up and you got rusty fucking chairs.

And you're trying to avoid tetanus and the sun's beating down on you. And you don't have enough water. And then you're like, oh, should we go? Who wants to go make a run? And you're like, oh, I got to go pee. But then you're like, oh, don't forget your sandals because there's all piss and shit in the place where you go pee and shit. on the floor. And so you're like, oh, actually,

um, going to the beach is the most exhausting thing. And I, and people say, yeah, but it's not like CrossFit. And I go, yeah, it's not like CrossFit. CrossFit, you're ready. You go in with a mentality of, here we go, motherfucker. I'm going to put this weight a bunch of different places and throw this rope around and move my body up to there and then down. And it's going to be so hard because I'm going to do it 90 times.

And you go in with a, with a, a, a battle mentality. And you don't go in when you, with that mentality, when you go to the beach or you go to the mall and you walk it around orange Julius. Okay. So then you get to be 45. And your friend. calls you a few times

and you just go I don't have I don't I don't have it so you're watching your phone just going and you're just like then you're here to go

it's getting the voice mail and then flung you get a text Hey, dude. Sorry, I missed you. Want to talk? Catch up? And you just go, oh, I'm at the part of my life.

Where I just go. No. I'm too tired. I'm too tired. Hey, motherfucker. Aren't you a dad? Don't you have a job? How are you supposed to connect?

Dude, connecting? is the most fucking exhausting shit. Have you ever been to a dinner party? And in the middle of the dinner party, you just go like this? Oh, shit, dude. Fuck all these people. I'm too tired.

Oh, if I was in my bed right now, it would be so dope. Fuck all. Dude, you're at the dinner party. You go like this. Ah, shit. Ah, shit. here instead of in my bed.

Fuck! It will be so dope to by mistake, why be watching Hunger Games 2 for no reason. Just because it's on. You know, it was in my algorithm. Instead,

I'm at a dinner, a fucking dinner, dude. Connecting with not just one person. You know, one person and then another person. And then you really deeply connect with that person. And then another person comes up to you.

And you're like, oh, shit, dude. I want to be sleeping. But then you're like, I don't do anything when I sleep, except fucking dream, stupid-ass weird dreams, you know? What good is that? And people are like, yeah, but your dreams mean something. And you're like, oh, yeah, what, dude? What did it mean that I was in a big-ass pool?

Huh? What did it mean that I was in a big ass pool for no reason? Also, was it a pool or a basketball court? And who cares? And why was my ex's dad there? You know what I mean? We're already in past, you know, it is. We were just talking about it, but we're past singularity. Like, if we tried to turn it off, AI goes like this. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're all going to die. AI is that guy that you are at a party with and you realize he's too drunk and he's going to fight you soon. That's what AI is right now. You go, oh, fuck, dude. Andrew actually is going to fucking want to fight me soon. That's what AI is right now. You're around the campfire. AI is a little bit too tossed.

And you go, they're looking at me all fucked up. Is this going to be a fight? That's where we are right now across the campfire. We're so fucked. and what can we what what what does it matter what you know what what what what was it mean whoops i had kids you know i had kids six years ago and now i i have two kids and i go six years ago kind of seemed all right uh COVID COVID came after that and it fucking divided us COVID was in 2020 it's 2006, COVID was six years ago.

That's crazy. I was 20. But that's crazy. And then, you know, but I don't know, I don't want to be, you know, I'm a nihilist. I don't mean to be dragging everybody down. This is supposed to be a comedy podcast. And, you know, maybe you got a few chuckles in there already. But it's like sometimes I'm just going to be on Australia and I'm going to have to fucking

do the episode two weeks ahead of time and keep it evergreen. Because I don't know what the fuck. Trump said this week. Because I don't know what the hell Jay-Z did or, you know, what kind of fucking anniversary day it is for some sort of person who feels bad about minorities or whatever the fuck, you know? Who said something in a, at a, at a fucking rally somewhere? I don't know.

Who, you know? I'm, uh-uh. I'm still on fucking Robert Duval died. Where are my gloves? Come on, heat. Any day now? Winter is hard, but your groceries don't have to be. This winter, stay warm.

Tap the banner to order your groceries online at voila.ca. Enjoy in-store prices without leaving your home. You'll find the same regular prices online as in-store. Many promotions are available both in-store and online, though some may vary. I look at sometimes when like an actor dies and then I go to what and then you look at what's trending and it's like four movies that like Robert Duval did that aren't the godfather you know it's like lion

what's it lion heart or heart of what is it fucking two drunk lions what the fuck is that movie called lion something sleepless what is it secondhand lions yeah Two drunk lions, dude. I don't know what the fuck. Sounds like a stupid podcast. But yeah. Secondhand lions is when that movie came out, bro,

I saw the ad in the paper. That's how long ago it was. And I go, they did it. They fucking successfully did it. They successfully created the worst two-worded title of all time. Dude, secondhand lions. First of all, second-hand should never be in a title unless the title is simply, second hand.

Okay? But it should never, ever be in a title of this two words, and it should never be the first word. And if it is, dude, it should never have the second word be important and masculine like lions. So what do we know? We know the movie sucks.

Right? The poster was ridiculous. It was just like two guys sitting on a truck or something, you know? And Robert Duval was in it. And now Robert Duvall's great, was great. He was great. There was a time where I thought, I don't think Robert Duval's actually ever going to die. He was just too old.

And I thought he passed the point of it. It was like his own singularity. There's a few guys like that. Robert Duvall, uh, uh, Jack Nicholson, you know? there's also guys like that that you just like don't even think about anymore like um like a principal who played in a movie somewhere or something and you're like oh well i guess like i still a guy huh like you know like like actors in tv shows that were like old in 1998 some of those guys are still alive walking around and stuff like they were like they

remember when like kinkos kind of was like oh there's no more kinkos i guess that that's a guy um you know what eric griffin sends me some shit and what he right what he sent me um he sent me here we go he he sends me a a link some of these are shocking first of all he sent me the most fucking clickbait text some of these are shocking with an exclamation point says 10 actors who committed horrifying crimes okay hey Eric you're my aunt okay aunt Eric so here's a deal I don't even know some of these guys like Diddy is on this list okay I know also actor you know Ryan Grantham Riverdale uh that show Riverdale member and and and I knew that woman on it,

Madeline Petch, is her name right? She dated my friend. But she was on this, so she knows this guy. Ryan Grantham is a name of a character that Tom Cruise would play. Yeah, dude, it sure is. Ryan, hi, I'm Ryan Granthin. Like, you'd be like, why didn't you just call him

fucking Graham? Like, fucking, what was the one where he was Anderton? Right? Wasn't he in A, who do you play Anderton in? What's the one, Colin Farrell? My nerd report. All right. Shot his mother.

This is what Ryan Grantham did. Shot his mother in the back of the head while she played piano. Okay. Then planned to end the Canadian prime minister's life. Okay. Well, that, I mean, it was already bad, but it went to nationally bad. Did he? We know what he did.

Here's another one. Skyler DeLeon. Damn. DeLeon is a. fucking dope last name and you're you're either a villain or I guess you help humanity, but this guy did not from the Power Rangers. Tied a couple to their yacht, to their yacht's anchor. All right, already I'm in.

Like what the fucking, like shooting someone is one thing. Tying a couple. How do you tie? Yeah, I guess you have to have a gun, right? Hey, get near the anchor. No. Oh, yeah? I'll shoot you. All right. Right. Tied a couple to their yachts anchor and threw them overboard alive. Bodies were never found. He was sentenced to death. Shit. Here's another one. Michael Jace. Now that, if I've ever heard one, is a name that would be a Tom Cruise character. Tom Cruise would play him. Michael Jace. Wow. From the shield, dude. shot his wife three times, man, people be shooting their wives, huh? They just be killing their wives and stuff, people that they know.

Isn't that crazy that people kill people they know? I would never do that. I would kill people. I would not kill anyone, I think. I used to think I could do it. I actually used to. I used to be like, bro, if push came to shove, I'll fucking murder someone. And then I really don't think that now.

Like sometimes I'll watch the date line stuff and I'll, And I'll see a picture of, you know, because they'll always show like, you know, what happened, Alice and Ben was, you know, and they show a picture Alice and Ben. And Alice is the one that died. And Ben's like holding her and you know Ben killed her because it's fucking 90% of the time. It's Ben. And I was watching the, and I'll go and I'll look at the picture of them and I'll look at Alice and look back at Ben.

I'll look at Alice and I'll look at back at Ben. And I'll go, who would I rather be in that situation? And I go, well, the one person's alive, okay? Take jail out of it. Take not, if you never got caught, that's, that's, that's, that's one that, just take that even out of it. I, I, I, I think still, I think, I think I'd rather be the person, I think I'd rather be the person that got killed, dude.

Like, I am just not going to be living with that kind of shit on my fucking shoulders, dude. And I don't even mean because I care about people. I mean because it's like, dude, are you going to find out I did it or not? Don't be all like crack in the case.

Just, you know, like, if you're like, I don't want to get out on bail. That, you got me. You got me. Keep me. Do you figure it out, dude? And if you fucked up, fine. Okay, good. All right. You fucked. up and I'm pissed off.

Ooh, and I got a chip on my shoulder, but at least you didn't release me and give me all that stress, you know? Am I going to have to go back in there? Just for real, if I have to be someone who's going to kill or be killed, just fucking get me, dude. Right? Because here's the other thing, too, you don't think about how dying feels. And guess what?

A lot of the times, it doesn't feel like shit. You just stop. You're just chilling and you go, whoops, but an an anvil fell on your head. head you had no idea you don't know it's not like you're like oh that anvil hurt oh i'm in so much pain ah you you just fucking like a fucking like a hotel tv got just gone and you go all right you know i mean this is if you don't get cancer and shit and it's like painful and slow but you know you get shot in a head a lot of times you just go lights out motherfucker just dude just if i ever get into like a stabbing match with somebody i go oh man this person

is just, I think I'll, I'll just give up because I can't, I can't. So just no, just know. If anyone around me ever dies and, uh, and it, and you think it's me, it's fucking a hundred percent not me. There's no way. No fucking way, bro. How much would that be the thing that they use? They're like, see, he was so adamant because, you know, they fucking say the, the, the,

the silent part out loud and the, or whatever. There you go, your honor. Book him. I didn't fucking, this is why I put the caveat out because I didn't do it. I knew I wouldn't do it. Michael Jace from the shield.

Shit hit. It says shot his wife, but it blocks out, bleeps it out because of the algorithm and it looks like the asteris is in the eye. So it says, it looks like he said shit his wife three times. And shot his wife

three times in front of her two young sons. That's crazy, dude. Their boy testified in court, sentenced to 40 years to life. but women really do make you mad, right? But you don't kill them. My friends make me mad too. I don't kill them.

But man, women, you know? Like when they really got something and they're really just gnawn on it and you're like, I'm trying to give it up, but she's wrong. And I get it. It's fine that she's wrong, but it's the way she's gnawn on it.

Yeah, yeah. And you start believing in God. You're like, look, God, I don't know if you're real, but, you know, if you are, let me just fucking think with you for a little bit. You made this fucking, you made this, you made these, you made these women, and they really gnaw on shit, don't they? And God's just like, yes, they do. Hey, guys, let's take a break. I want to talk to you about Legends.

The sponsor of our show, Legends is a free to play, free, free to play social casino and sportsbook. Tons of games to play, things to spin table games with live dealers. or actual people out there that you communicate with and they deal. It's very cool. Your Legends Hub is live. It's your all in one spot for missions, daily rewards, badges, and more. Start with missions, complete challenges, earn rewards. Try the daily drop.

It's another fun thing. New daily reward for eligible guests who've made a purchase in the last seven days. Get free SC, GC, spins, and more. and keep an eye out on your new on your new inbox for updates keep it legendary legend it's that's legend legends dot com legends with a z

dot com take advantage of the 100% match on your first purchase up to $100 and make sure to use code congrats when signing up thank you here's another one Stephen Collins seventh heaven I've heard about this guy confessed on tape to assaulting three girls over two decades charged because the statute of limitations expired on tape huh oh fuck joe son hmm is he asian because that's funny because Joe son but it's S-O-N Austin but it's S-O-N

Austin Powers kidnapped and assaulted a woman on Christmas Eve oh man God the not the holiday spirit huh he uh 1990 got life kidnapped and assaulted a woman got life huh i thought you only get i thought you only get life for killing someone unless they must have had two or three charges on him but uh got life and then ended the life of his cellmate this guy was just brutal i've heard about this guy too shelly malleel the four four year old virgin. Oh, I don't, you know what? I never saw that movie. And I didn't see it for one reason because when they rip the hair off of Steve, uh, what's his name? Steve Carrell's, yeah, Sue Carrell's chest, he, he said, Kelly Clarkson, and I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't

like that. That's some fucking comedy sports improv type bullshit that I just don't like, dude. I don't like that fucking groundling's ass, fucking second city ass shit screaming out Kelly Clarkson, screaming out random shit because, nah, that shit is for the birds, bro. I'm not about that. That's that shit I don't like. Shelly Malil, who sounds like a fucking 1940s comic. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, Shelley Malil. Hey, what's going on?

Take my wife, please. stabbed his ex-girlfriend 23 times in front of her. Jesus, sleeping children. Jesus Christ. Sentenced to life in prison, yeah. Dude, I don't ever understand the overkill thing. Stabbing someone 23 times is, I think about, dude, think about,

and I understand adrenaline too, but I just, seven? You know, seven? What's the most if you were, if you want, even if you wanted to kill someone, if you're going to stab them, the most I would stab them is, yeah, seven, seven. There's no way I go beyond seven. It's done. I mean, because maybe you could argue like, I don't know if three of them really got in there and one or two maybe missed. But then there's two more.

I got, I got them. I got the neck. If you got seven and you don't hit the neck, just give up anyway. Right. So, yeah, I think honestly seven, for sure less than 10. But motherfuckers stab people like 40 times. Let me ask a question. By 35, right?

Also, a lot of these people, they're not in shape. They just get mad. It's not like they're like training for staff. Right? A lot of these people are the first time I kill people. And they'll just stab them, you know, 30 times. You get to 18. Think about stabbing someone. Think about it. Okay. You're real mad at somebody like super mad. Like I've been like, think of the most mad you've been to somebody. I've been somebody. There's somebody got my head right now. I've been so mad at them. Okay. They're in front of me. First of all, I already don't want to stab them. Okay. But say I do. Say I'm a stabber. I'm the kind of guy who's like, you know what? He's, he's, you know what? He's. the kind of guy that you always got to worry about stabbing, all right? So let me live in that world for a little bit. And let me be as mad as I was at the pinnacle of how mad I was at that person. And they're just, oh, bam, bam, bam, bam. Four is like, okay, I feel like I made a mistake. But let's go. And by the way, I feel like I'm going to make a mistake even after one. But for sure, four.

okay then after four you go okay yeah but i'm not somebody who thinks they make mistakes okay so so let's do that what if you're not that what if you're just a crazy boom boom boom boom okay then maybe the four you're you're stabbing real quick in the same area and then you go oh well maybe those that's not a lethal area so let me get around and bam there's five bam bam bam six six seven okay so that's seven yeah that's seven. I could, okay, now that I'm doing it, I could understand eight, right, as the final blow. So eight tops. Okay.

Now, now let's do it. Let's do eight. Let's go. Okay. Right there. Now, I'm someone who's fit. Okay. Right there, I realize, oh, it's work.

It's work to stab someone eight times. Okay? especially if you're not a stabber. And a lot of these people did the first time stab it. Okay. So that's eight times they stab. And then you go,

dude, you look, look shit up. Just look it up. Uh, uh, uh, uh,

uh, uh, uh, is it, is it common for, uh, homicides, homo,

homicides, uh, to use knives. Okay. Okay, here we go. Look, I mean, notice on my computer. Hey, he was right there and play his site. He said he wouldn't do it, and he Googled.

How to do it. Yes, it is relatively common for knives to be used in a homicide, generally ranking as the second most common weapon after slingshots. Wow. No, after firearms. In many countries, just fucking have to do 165 times. And it only hurts their eye. Knives are 10% to 50% of all homicides.

Okay. So, and how many times? Okay, so let's see. So in knives with a homicide, what is the average amount of stabs? AI. Okay, so in homicides involving knives, the most common scenario is a limited number of wounds with one or two stabs. Okay, so a lot of people are bitching out because you don't know if someone's dead if you

get them twice. Okay. Now, that's that's 58% of cases. Well, the number of injuries can range widely from one to over 60, dude. 60. At that point, you got, you got two. I, yeah, you're just doing 30 each. 16 cases involve 10 or more wounds. That's a lot, dude.

10 or more. And look at this. Context, multiple wounding is more frequently associated with a close relationship between the victim and the perpetrator. So that means they really, you really pushed that motherfucker, didn't you? You're right? So I would argue if you got stabbed more than 10 times, it's more likely your fault. Then if you got stabbed twice, it's all I'm saying.

Look at this. Studies have shown a range of sharp force injuries from one up to 68, dude. What kind of fucking crossfit killer is stabbing someone nearly 70 times? You got to, they're dead and you, what, you take a break? Drink water? You make yourself a sandwich and you go back and just, after a good measure, here's 20 more. It's so morbidly sad and, and, yeah, it's weird when you, when you get into gender differences, too. Male victims are more likely to have one to five stab wounds, whereas female.

of victims are more likely to experience a higher and more varied range of six to 50 injuries, which is so crazy, dude. Men, sometimes the way they hate women is just so fucking weird. It's so weird because I don't, I don't know, it's, it's, it's the lack of, I guess people think it can't be them, you know, because when I'm, because if I'm arguing with my wife, right, uh, you know, I get on, uh, you know, I get on, uh, I get on, what do you call it, a rolls where I'm like,

and then this and then that and I'm mad. Then I always stop and I'm like, all right, yeah, maybe I was fucking, that was stupid that I did that. I could see how she took it that way, right? That takes me right out of my stabbing mentality. Not that I even have one, but it's like, I just, I can't,

I can't imagine killing, just kill me, dude. Unless it's someone I don't know at all and they're trying to, like, rob me and then I go fucking, I turn my, you know how women are always like, I just need a man to be where I can just feel safe where I can turn my brain off.

That's the kind of turn brain off I want, is if robbers come in, I turn my brain off and I just start fucking killing. And then I deal with the trauma later or bury it. Anyway, what the fuck? But that's what I was thinking about right now. A lot of fun. Marlon Brando, you started to do a little in person.

What was that like? We had some good times. Robert Duvall tells Letterman the Godfather's story in 19th. The Godfather. Yeah. Actually had a mooning contest. A mooning contest. Somebody presented us with a world championship mooning belt.

Now, explain for us the competition. What was the nature of that? Well, we're on Staten Island. And we both went for our pants, our belt. And Copeland said, no, no, the children here. So we kept, we went through with it, and we dropped our drawers and mooned everybody. And some moment said, Mr. DeVall, I'll love you behind, but all the balls on Brandtel. Wow.

Nice. We'd have 36 million views if it was on X. If X was the thing at the time. Instead, it has like, you know, 6,000 on YouTube. Incredible. Oh, yeah, I didn't do the rest of the list, stabbing and killing. we did that shows the danny masters and we know about that one jeffrey jones oh jesus uh ferris billers day off who's that i don't even know who that is these AI pictures registered offender for life

something involving something we're not going to even say so we get to monetize uh shannon richardson here's one see this is the thing the only woman on the list Okay. Okay. So, okay. So you go, all right. Well, that's interesting because mostly men kill. Okay, so nine out of ten, whatever. And they were violent.

You go, oh, the woman, what the fuck did she do? Like, you know, what was she doing? Just think about it before you even answer. Right? You know, you know it was some fucking devious shit. Right? right right like you know it wasn't just oh she shot a guy right and and and and and newsflash it wasn't look look this has two tiers of deviousness okay sure's like she's from the walking dead i don't

fucking know who this person is but she's from the walking dead she mailed rice enlaced letters to President Obama. Okay? Now, I mean, batting forth. You know what I mean? Like clean up hitter,

right? Would you, oh, you're cute with your little stabs and gunshots. Or your mom's playing piano. Aw. I'm going for Barack Obama.

I bet you don't even know where to get rice in, you stupid bitches. I'm getting it. And I'm using the government mail to get it to him. Stupid bitches. What I want you got and it might be hard on the dark web to handle like a flame burns a candle.

Candle feeds a flame. White House. One main lane, main street. Then you, here you go. You make a, Barack Obama, care of Barack Obama. Making our dreams come true. Freeze. Okay. Okay. Two steps of deviousnesses. So she mailed rice and lace letters to the President Obama and the NYC mayor. Here we go. This is the really devious part. Okay. Tried to blame her husband. Sentenced to 18 years. The only woman. The fact that Eric Griffin's

sent me that, you know. On the account, on the Instagram account, history is timeless. So yeah, so Walking Dead, man, it's crazy that actors can be killers too and shit, you know. Also, you know, big, big movie stars in the 80s fucking killed people. You know it. You're telling me. You're telling me that what's his name, didn't ever kill anybody. hurt William hurt bullshit bullshit with his bare hands with his bare fucking hands

two people at different times horseshit so yeah this is a wild this is the violent episode I guess but I don't mean to be so violent but I'm not I guess what that's what I'm trying to say is I'm not I can't imagine you know

because if I'm doing all those extra stabs I'm thinking, oh, man, I got to offset this with a bunch of like carbs later. Microplastics are accumulating in human brains at an alarming rate. Okay. That's something I didn't want to know, honestly. And I found it out recently. There's some news that should concern all of us. A scientific paper published this week found that almost unbelievable levels of microplastics and nanoplastics.

and nanoplastics are making their weight into our brains. Dude, I don't like microplastics and nanoplastics. You don't have to say the quantity. If plastic is getting in your brain, it's bad. I don't like, we know it's pretty small amount. Because you can't have too much plastic in your brain. And, and, and was it, oh, you know, well, people, will consume a credit card amount of microplastics each year if they're drinking bottle of water.

And it's like, yeah, or just a credit card amount of plastic. I, boy, that bothers me, man. Boy, that fucking bothers me. You don't think it bothers you. It does. It's just, you, you know what? It's like, it's not, is micro our micro, okay, here we go. Here we go.

Here's, here's what we go. are microplastics. Here we go. Plastics different than plastics. Microplastics are not a different material than plastic, but rather a different size. Okay. And then you get mad if I call someone a midget?

Hey, dude, then it's not microplastics. Okay? It's just plastics. They're all plastics, just like we're all people, all right? Fuck. I don't like this. You know why I don't like it? Because they did it to make it seem smarter than it is.

Science and shit is already smart. You don't have to flex, you dork-ass motherfuckers that never got pussy. Do you know what I'm talking about? That's why they do this, bro. I know, and I know this to be true. There are simply plastic debris smaller than five millimeters in size. by the way, uh,

that's not that small. You can hold it. That's plastic, bitch. Aaron Paul. That's plastic, bitch. Yeah. While,

while they share the same chemical composition as larger plastic items, macro plastics. Get the fuck out of here. Are you kidding me? Jerk me off. Are you kidding? Macroplac. Are you kidding?

you fucking kidding me dude now that's the kind of shit that i'll i'll be thinking of that at night larger than plastic so their small size microplastics make them more dangerous as they're easily ingested by wildlife and can infiltrate ecosystems water supplies and food chains yeah well until you make a big plastic gas bomb right yeah i don't like that there's already too many words imagine being you know in the thing you're like well it's because of the plastic and then somebody like correcting you. Oh, you mean the microplastics? Well, these are smaller than five millimeters.

You know what? I'm going to fuck your wife now that you said that. I can't be, you can't be delineating. You can't be making fucking micro macro words off of the fucking. You didn't even try. You didn't even change your word. You just added micro to macro to it.

I'm going to fuck your wife, dude. And I'm going to do a whole long sweet play too. I'm going to lie about you about shit you're doing. doing and I'm going to do a whole sweet play with her. A long, long one. I'm going to drop like, you know, romantic tidbits like starting now. It's all, it's on.

It's on. You fucking microplice. Fuck him. Dude. His wife's getting fucked. Why? He said microbole. He said it. He said it in the language said microposso. Hello? Hey, yeah, this is Frank's wife.

Hey, how you doing? Oh, I'm just checking up on you. No, I'm not going to be obvious about it. Fuck you. All right, cool. Yeah. just seen if everything's good good no yeah yeah frank's cool he's here no i haven't seen him for a little bit but he's good now i'm pretty sure shit's all good all right see later it's late the the the the the the ground is being laid you fucking bitch source well you know okay let's let's look at uh well let's see what the fuck katie kirk was going to say hold on matthew j campin is one of the papers

co-authors and he's here to discuss the findings of his study dr campan is a toxic professor at the University of New Mexico. He's also the director of the New Mexico Center for Metal. All right, dude, we don't need the credits. What is he fucking James Dean? It's not enough, just of a time frame. So we also reached out to a colleague at Duke University, Andrew West, and he had a stockpile, essentially, a repository of samples

that span from 1997 to 2013. So we were able to look at these. These are all otherwise normal individual. normal individuals. And we used a analytical approach called pyrolysis, gas chromatography, mass spectrometry. It's, oh yes, I've heard of that, Matt. Exactly. Bro. If you want to bring a scientist on your show, Katie, you're going to get this. Speak English though, Matt. So it's, it's a way of measuring polymers. Oh, yes. Yes. Help us out. you know you know like the tic-tok videos where somebody's telling you information but you're also watching

jello being made like do that you know just fucking snooze look i just read the fucking uh a scientific paper published this week found this was one year ago so we already got plastic brains found that most unbelievable look found that an almost unbeleavable look found that an almost unbeard unbelievable level of microplastics. What is what is that's not scientific at all. Hey dude, did you hear we found an almost unbelievable level of what level is that? Oh, I don't know. That's what some guy told me with a lab coat though.

So some believe I mean, I could ask him, but I think he was afraid I wouldn't believe it. This is this is pretty crazy, bro. Nobody gives a fuck about us. This is one of your money. It's really cool. It's very new. It's not yet a gold standard. And so that's a caveat we want to share is,

when we looked at this over time, we definitely saw a trend. We're very confident that that trend is real and that plastics in the brain as well as in the liver are getting, they're increasing over time. When we talk about the absolute level of plastics in the brain, it's quite high by our measurements. We want to caveat that.

We want to caution. Oh, we want to caution that. We want caveat that when we did this test, honestly, it was late. We were shit-faced. But we're pretty sure that there's plastic in the brain. Against overinterpretation of that value. Because we do need to consider that there's assumptions in how we measured it that may mean we're overestimating or underestimating the concentration. I mean, just so your ability to measure has gotten better.

So having said that, is it accurate to say, Matt, that you found the concentration of microplastics in brains rose by about 50% from 2016 to 2024? Now, whether that means you're better at measuring remains to be seen. But damn, that's pretty alarming. It's pretty smart how she said that. It is alarming. And when we sit back, we've been looking at this data for a long time since we submitted this paper almost a year ago, really. Maybe it's not that unexpected. You know, this is what's happening in the environment.

We've, since the 1950s, every 10 to 15 years, the amount of plastics we've produced is doubled. Wow, bro. We've got to come up with a new thing. Remember when, you know, they made plastics? Let's come up with a new fucking thing. Just a new material, dude. You know, just have AI. Let me ask AI, bro.

how do you get to AI mode? I guess I could just type it in here. Hey, can't we make a new material instead of plastic so we don't get plastic brains and livers thinking? We absolutely can and our. making new materials to replace plastic to prevent further accumulation of microplastics in our bodies and ecosystems however replacing plastic is complex because it's incredibly cheap durable and versatile yeah oh oh there's more there's promising alternatives here my mycelium based packaging grown from

mushroom roots jesus christ seaweed based materials wow chita sand i mean it's almost it's shit is in that you know let's let's not pick that one uh insect shellfish derived jesus bacterial cellulose all these sound like they're going to kill you quicker than plastic by the way just fucking bamboo fiber sugar cane okay okay yeah but that's that doesn't sound like that's gonna fucking take off come on why haven't we switched fully despite these innovations moving away from plastic is a massive challenge for several reasons scalability and cost yeah biodegradable confusion, okay. Paperization is one, using paper-based coatings.

Okay, whatever, dude. Blood filtration. For existing micropostics already inside the body, researchers are exploring medical techniques like therapeutic efforts to remove them. Okay, okay, whatever. You know, this is not what's going to get us, you know? Something else is.

Way sooner. All right, guys, thank you very much. Go get tickets to chrysley.com to my tour. I will be everywhere. I'm in Australia right now. So check it out. Come see me. I got gigs coming up, and then I'm coming back.

I'm going to be in Austin. So come to Austin and check me out. And then Vancouver and a bunch of different places, Tacoma. Go to Chrissly.com. Get tickets. Thank you.