Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 495. Ripe For Getting Red Hot

Episode Date: March 12, 2026

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runk. Hey, what's up? It's episode 495 of congratulations. You guys did you not think it would be episode 495 of congratulations? Well, it is. I'll tell you right now, I never thought it was going to be. But the more it goes on, the more I think it will go on. And, you know, there's ups and downs.

And sometimes I'm like, how many hours can I do? Somebody just said, hey, I've listened to every. episode and I go, I say, oh, you wasted 500 hours. But welcome to be here, or happy to be here and welcome. I'm not a clone. And thanks to Legend Social Casino and Sportsbook for sponsoring this episode. I did add new dates in like Louisville and I got a bunch of dates coming up. I'm going to be in Vancouver and Cologne next week or wait, this week, this week. And then next week in Austin and then the next week in Tacoma, Washington. So go to chrisley.com, get tickets.

Oh, and I got that Golden Hour live show in Austin. Just go to my website. You'll see, chrisley.com. But so, yeah, you know, I am back from Australia. I was gone for two weeks and pretty much missed the whole Jim Carrey clone thing. And when that came out, I go, damn, man, come on. Why couldn't that have happened when I was able to do a podcast? So it's too bad I missed that, but it's him.

Okay. And it's not, no, you know what? It's not that it's him. It's that it's not not him, okay? It's too much him to be someone else. All right. So here's what I mean by that. He doesn't look any different than some guy who got some work done, a celebrity, right?

Okay? Whether it's a facelift, filler, I, I, what do you get him like whatever Brian Kahn got? He got his lids done and his neck done, like a, like a maniac. Here's the thing. If you're Jim Carrey, you get your eyes done and your neck done, K, right? All good. Jillions of people are seeing you. If you're Brian Callan,

you don't get your neck done. You don't get your eyes done. I don't even know if he got him his neck done. I'm just saying stuff. But my thing is, you know, I think he got work done. I think he got work done. I don't know if I know the government is,

well, look, you know, one of the major conspiracy, I don't know if I'd say major, but one of the outlandish conspiracy, is, hey, he was speaking out too much against Hollywood, so they assassinated him and made a new Jim Carrey. And to that, I say no. Because there's no, there are many bigger fish to fry than taking Jim Carrey out, all right?

Just so much more. okay you don't need to take out the mask you don't need to take out Lloyd Christmas dude all you need to do is if you really think he's exposing Hollywood secrets which he's not really you know everybody knows Hollywood's fucked up and he's not even really saying anything terrible exposey about Hollywood. You know? Why aren't they taking out Ricky Jervais?

Why is he not a clone? And so it's Jim Carrey. It's too much him to be not him. You understand? And so, bro, and here's the thing, too. That other guy who makes the masks on Instagram pretended like it was him.

Like he put his mask, he put his Jim Carrey mask. It was AI. It wasn't. real. At least sure it didn't look real. And, uh, but the guy makes, the guy does killer work, by the way. But he was just like trolling people being like, he didn't say it was me, but he like alluded to it. That was him. And, um, I put on my Instagram, like, stop saying it's not Jim Carrey. It's Jim Carrey. You, you, you, you idiot, you know, and then, uh, you idiots. And then so many people wrote me, Hey, bro. What fucking now, dude, you want to clear it up now? And it's like,

Yeah, that was fake. Okay? It was Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey's reps said it was Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey's friends said it was Jim Carrey. So everyone's in on this, right? That's what you're saying? You're telling me people close to Jim Carrey

are either dumb enough to not know the real Jim Carrey or, or, um, um, uh, wait, what was the or it going to be? It was going to be, or, or, scared enough to not speak out because they're scared. They're going to get killed and cloned. What? Dude, it's insane.

It's insane. So those, you know, people need an excuse about something. And I understand some conspiracy theories are true. And some have to be true because there's too. You can't have everything not true if you're claiming, conspiracy theories one of them or two of them or three of them or five of them are going to hit right like they started with a you know like pizza gate wasn't in the basement of pizza con it wasn't that it's not that kind of a thing yes it is a thing kind of where they went to the island and did

you know but people blow it out and they're just like yeah but it's it's it's people in a basement because of an aliens come in and help and you're just like, okay, well, what's the real issue here? Oh, okay, high elite people, uh, from the government went to an island to do nefarious shit. Okay, okay. Makes a little more sense. Makes a little more sense than some guy at a pizza shop just being like, hey, want to do crazy shit in my basement. Um, Hillary Clinton. So, um, yeah, anyway, it's not Jim Carrey, quiet with that, or it is Jim Carrey, quiet with that shit. Now it's going to be on a conspiracy. even Chris Leah did a Freudian slip.

It's Jim Carrey. Okay? Anyway, just had to say that. I know it's too old right now to even talk about because it's what it is already. It's been two weeks. Because I was in Australia, dude. And I was in Australia.

And I just got to tell you, man, I ripped it. And I don't mean the shows. The shows were great. But this is what I'm not talking about that right now. I'm talking about the way. the way I handled my crunken jet lag, dude. The way I handled my jet lag was just, it was just sensational.

It was absolutely. Wait, sensational. There we go. It was just unbelievable, dude. I got there. First of all, bro, I got there. The flights, they're just way too long. And they're not the longest flights.

The longest flight, period, is 18 hours in the world. Nonstop, right? That's what I heard. It's what Google AI told me. And it has to go, it's from Singapore, somewhere to Singapore. Anyway. Fact check that. I don't care about fact check it.

And I went to Australia, which is 14, it was 14 hours or 13, or 13, or. 14. I don't remember. L.A. Oh, JFK in Singapore. 18, 19, hours. Unbelievable. Just a whole day. Gone. Just a whole day. Sleep, a whole day, a wake day, and sleeping part

of the day. So I I did Australia flyer. I went there, I got there. I slept like five hours. It was dog shit. Five hours for me is dog shit. If I get five hours of sleep, might as well have 12 minutes of sleep. I do not talk to me. This is me all day after five hours of sleep. Huh? Huh? To everyone. What? And if I can't hear him,

the second time, I go, no, I, I need to, what I need to do is take it now. I just can't. I'm 45. I'm getting a little better at it because, you know, but dude, terrible. So I get on the plane, smashed it, right? Got to Australia. When I got there, it was what time? I don't even remember, bro. It seems like so long ago,

and it feels like I didn't even go. You ever have that? Where you go somewhere and you're like, and then the next week you're like, man, I can't believe I went there for 10 days. And it was, because it seems like it was so, long ago. And then you go, but it also seems like I didn't even go. Yeah, man. And they want us to think that we're not in the, what do you call it? Uh, um, uh, Matrix. Dude, I am for real jet lagged. Okay.

But, and you know what, dude, it's not that bad right now. But what was so bad, first of all, when I got to Australia, I just went to sleep and then woke up the next day and I was fine, dude. I was absolutely fine. I was fine. And I was getting pissed off at people who were like, I was getting pissed off at like people in my head that were in the past that have said like, oh, jetlux don't, you know, I'm like, dude, you're just not, you're not weak, but you're just, you know what it is? Shut up, right? Like, it's not, it's not that I'm not, I don't like when dudes are like, don't be a bitch. I don't like that. You know, uh, I don't have. I don't have a problem with being emotional and like, you know, sharing and crying and stuff.

But my whole thing is shut up. You know? Like you can like I'm not like when when dudes are like, don't be a bitch. Suck it up. Pain is just weakness leaving the body. Just, you know, I don't like that. But my whole thing is, yeah. feel all that shit, but shut the fuck up about it.

That's my whole thing, dude. Okay? So yeah, jet lag was bad. But yo, I was just like, I'm going to be chill about it. And I was chill about it. I had a headache and I was chill about it. Now, if you talk to Kristen, she'll say I'm the biggest baby whenever it comes to me getting sick.

But in my head, I'm not. And whose reality is realer? mine because of me and that's G and that's G and that's G and that's G who's reality is realer

mine because of me and that's G so so then I did the Australia and then I did like six days in Australia and traveled around and then

I had a bunch of flights and then the seventh day in Australia I just go Oh, dude. Jet lag, jet lag goes. Because I just, oh, one city out of time. It was just, I go, because I was taking flights and getting only like four hours of sleep. And I was just toast.

I mean, I was cinnamon toast, crunch. I was, so I finally get to Sydney. All right, now check this out. I get to Sydney from Perth. Perth is the farthest place away in Australia. From where you might ask? Hey, guess what? Anywhere.

Because it's the only place on the West Coast. Hey, Australia, update it. Okay? There's nothing in the middle, 45 to, 200 cities on the East Coast. And on the West Coast, there's Perth. Update it. Put shit in the middle.

All right? So I could at least stop. You know, there's Adelaide, but that place is wild, dude. Adelaide, I finally go, I'm not doing it this time. Because there's, it's like, uh,

whatever, uh, you know, the meeting greet was too weird. People were like being really weird, giving me things and touching me and stuff. It was like the hills have eyes. Sorry. And so,

so Perth is so far. So I took a five hour flight to Perth. And then it took a three or a four hour flight back from Perth to Sydney. And I had a show that night. And I go, in my head, outwardly, I'm like,

you know, I mean, in my head, I'm so tired, but outwardly, I'm like, but let me tell you something, dude,

it is a problem. All right? So I do the show. and I'm zonked and I go, when do I leave? I say, when do I leave tomorrow? Because I leave the next day after the show. It's like I get back at my hotel at 11 p.m. The next day I leave 11.

That's 11.30. That's my flight. Okay. And my dad fucked me up when I was a kid about getting to the airport to early. So I'm like, great. Gotta go now. I've just recently gotten better out flying.

My dad would be like, when are we leaving? Tuesday? Let's start. And you're like, Dad, it's Sunday. You want to be late? Well, no, but I don't think we're... Pack!

So I get to... Oh, fuck. Oh, the best. I turned into my dad. I turned into my dad. In Sydney, I go... I go roll out. Transformers!

From Chris to his dad. More than meets the eye. Roll out. Just turned into another guy. Turned into a son to the dad. Because I was exhausted. Okay. And I wouldn't want to go to bed.

And I fucking, I'm at like such a nice hotel. Okay. So I called down. Oh, no, no, no. I try to call down. Nobody picks up. because I want room service, right? So I go, okay, okay.

Well, you know what? A lot of times they have a QR code somewhere to scan. And like a fucking asshole, you're just like around the room with your phone just like you're playing a fucking video game that came out in 2008 and you're the character like trying to scan some bullshit. But it's real life now. And, you know, I turn on the TV, the hotel TV. TV and I go to the in-room dining thing and boom QR code and I go fucking hell yeah dude so then

I click it and and and and I read on the TV as it's loading on my phone. Just here's the menu. Just call downstairs when you're ready. All right. Look at the menu. I you know I've been around a. block when it comes to being in a hotel room so i go oh let me look at the menu i get a little bit excited because i see all the food that's available then i go wait wait wait i'm smarter than this this is not the

menu that's open right now it's past 11 and there's definitely a late night snacks menu and i kept scrolling and i found it got out of that one in the anger category in the anger department got out of that one so didn't really get too heated because i didn't i was i was i was like only on the appetizers and then i go wait a minute appetizers it's 11 30 i go wait a second let me scroll down i scroll down i see late my number I got that one in the anger department. So that's great. Didn't get too far in an anger department for that one. Right.

And so found it. Didn't get my hopes up too much, right is what I'm trying to say. So found it, looked at it. I go, great. So it says call on the on the TV screen. So I called down zero answer. I go, huh. Well, shit.

This is, wait a minute. I go, huh, everything's ripe for, wait a second. everything's ripe for getting me good and red hot. Wait a minute. Everything's ripe. Everything is ripe for me to get good and red hot. This isn't healthy. I just fucking bounced around from the first place in Australia to here.

I'm so tired. I got to be up at O Dark 30 tomorrow because my dad ruined me. And I want room service. And no one's picking up. Wait a second. it's right for getting red hot. So I go, okay, hang up. And you know what?

The phone didn't even have a thing you could, like, when you're, you know, you go, all right, I'm going to try again. And you just go, it didn't have it. You had to physically hang the phone up and then do it again. So I go, oh wait, it's right for getting red hot. But I was impertently the early day.

It's right. So I'm like, all right. let's see let's see let's call again call again no didn't pick up

so I hit my tour manager now I'm not a diva dude I'm not a diva as a matter of fact my tour manager told me that I'm the easiest person he's ever worked with okay

just go figure so I told him well we gotta change that man I can't be the easiest I can be the second easiest I'm gonna start to demand more shit so I'm like dude they're not picking up

now I'm like because he said I was really you know he's work good so i go hey man let's make it a little more difficult where what the fuck the room service they say there's room service but it's not room service and he's like oh i think you have to dial five five so i dial five nothing call my tour manager back hey it didn't work he says do you know what i think it's five five i go traffic get around up boop boop hoot nobody picks up okay nobody picks up i go

to the lobby. Bro? Okay. And I had to put my clothes on to do it, which is unfortunate. I wanted to not have to put my clothes on again because I just want to go to bed. He can go to bed like a fucking, like a mess, like a disgusting fuck. And I was going to get whatever I wanted to because I've been eating real nice. So I go, I go, I get my stuff on and I'm in the elevator. And I'm in the elevator.

I'm literally thinking, hey, let's go, motherfucker. Like I am, I will John Wick this whole hotel. I want room service. Dude. And so I get down there. Elevator opens up. I walk, first of all, the two guys that are on the concierge, whatever the hell you call them, they're occupied with people checking in, which fine.

Okay. I wait my turn. Then I go. I walk up to the guy and I say, hey. uh i'm trying to get room service and the guy says oh okay you should uh you should you know it's like you should get it or something you know yeah he's like yeah it's open until whatever i said yeah but i i i've been calling down and nobody's been picking up so you see you see where we are you see where we are and the guy says oh well well

Well, that's because you have to use the tablet in the room. And at that point, I can't hear anything anymore. Like physically, all I hear is from the steam. All right. And I say, well, I got to. First of all, I say, what tablet? Because like, what the fuck is he saying? Yeah.

have to use the tablet. Oh yeah, dude. You want to fucking describe more? Where is it, dude? I haven't seen one. So where is it? So I say, tablet, what are you talking about? He says, it's on the writing desk. The writing desk. He's just adding adjectives to piss me to crank off, dude. It's on the writing desk. It's on the wet, red, writing desk. Huh? Desk. Yeah, I know. Why did you say all that? I'm just trying to piss you off, mate. So, so I fucking, what? Oh. So I go to, uh, so I, I say to, uh, so I, I say to, I say to him, I say, well, oh, but what? On the screen, on the, on the screen, on the TV on the screen, on the indwelling screen. has a QR code. It says order, get the menu and then call you call down to do it.

So I did that. And honestly, I did that like a good boy, okay? Because I, what I did was I did something that my wife always tells me to do, which is thing for myself and it didn't work out. And I was pissed off.

Okay? Because I took the initiative to look at the page on the, TV screen. And I was right about that because it instructed me to do something. And now you're telling me it's a false thing? It's right. Forget Red Hat.

And by the way, I did try to call down. And you weren't here. So I had come down and I tell me to go back up and use the tablet. And I'm like, what tablet? Describe it more. And it's on the wroughton desk. Oh, you're going to.

go down description lane now. The writing desk? Are you an asshole? Oh yeah? The writing desk, huh? Oh, the working, the wooden working writing desk? The light beige wooden working writing desk. It's on that.

Dude, there's one desk in the room. You don't need to go down description lane now. Right? So I'm like, is this motherfucker pressing me with the word writing? Is this dude stepping to me? So I go, okay, so you're telling me I got to go back up and use the tablet? Oh, bro. And he says, yeah.

And I said, I just want to order it with you right now. Can I do that? And he says, uh, no, Ma, you gotta go through, uh, in room doan. I see, so I said to him. This is what I said to him. I do exaggerate sometimes, but this is what I said to this guy. And I leaned in and I said, so you're telling me.

I go, So you're telling me, if I go up there and I put in what I want in the tablet on the writing desk, then the food will just come to my room. And I don't have to call anybody. And he says, yeah. And I said, I go like this. Okay. Okay.

Without any other words, I get in the elevator, go back up to the room. And when I get there, I walk straight to the cock suck and writing desk. Okay? I sit down and I go to turn on the tablet. Now, the tablet's not charged. Yeah. Okay. And I get so mad.

I get so mad that I go beyond that into stillness. You know what I'm saying? You ever get so mad that you just go, oh, you know what, actually? I must be listening to the com app because I feel chill. And I realize it's because my body is in survival mode so I don't have a heart attack. Immediately it just downloads fucking a Chibbs O'Caricay speech on the comm at, hey that, hey there, I'm Chibs O'Caricay. imagine you're in your you imagine you're in it you're not in Australia and he's Australian by the way

you're not in Australia and you're sitting at your right you're not sitting at your writing desk it's just a regular desk you're not mad because you just ate your flight is in so many hours mate and I'm just like my body just goes oh no we can't have a heart attack so I just I'm calm now so I'm calm you know what it is it's like that saying a true war shows no emotion. At this point, when I see the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

I am a complete warrior. Right. I'm a complete warrior. I'm exactly. I'm exactly where I need to be if the shit goes down right now. I mean, I'm like, I'm literally like if, if, if, um, if somebody starts punch it, I'm that knee, I'm neo where you. He's just blocking him like this, and he's picking up the bullet in the midair and just,

that's me right there. Hey there. That's me. Fucking, just block it. Hey there. I'm Chibbs O'Caricay, looking at the bullet. You're not even in Australia right now, mate. You're back home with your kids.

You're having a grand time. You're telling poop jokes to the young one and he's laughing so hard. It's like you're the best comedian in the world. That's how come I am. I'm a true warrior right now. So, uh, I jostled it around in the thing,

the thing that, you know, the holder. And then it goes, blung, and it starts to charge. And I go, oh, fuck,

okay, good. I turn it on. And I, and I go in room dining and I fucking, and now I'm doing this shit like I'm, like I'm on fucking, like I'm the sixth lead in CSI. Just, yeah.

I'm way ahead of you. Way ahead of you. Yeah, and we get fried. here okay cool oh and we'll get a burger with fucked up mayonnaise on it because that's what they australians do you know they don't just have regular mayonnaise and they don't put ketchup on it for some reason so it's just a fucking disgusting max let's get that one of those for uh 26 dollars uh do you guys have meat with disgusting mayonnaise on it yeah no oh you're gonna call that cheeseburger okay sure

whatever you want call it yeah no no but there's no there's no there's no ketchup or anything on it but cheese and then disgusting weird mayonnaise right not the right and is it regular mayonnaise like from hines or something that you'd get in the States. No? Oh, it's completely fucking weird. It has green things in it? Great. Fire that.

Oh, you can put it on both sides. Okay. And not just too much for both sides, but too much for each side on both sides. Great. Put that on there. And how much is it? $37? A hundred percent.

Bring that to me. And bolonnese, too, because I'm going to eat whatever I want. So I'm going to put bowl of a eight too. And then I don't even know this yet. But when it shows up, it's going to be like bolognais soup with not enough noodles and too much. Yeah, perfect. Well, let me get it. that shit. Let me get that. Let me get, let me get straight. And I don't even know this yet because

I'm ordering it right now. But when it does come, is it, is it going to be a spaghetti bolognese or is it going to more be spaghetti bolognese ramen? Oh, it is. Cool. Then of course I want that. Yes, I want that. Cool. And nothing to drink. I'll just drink the fucking bolognese. Perfect. Hey, I want to take a break, talk to you about Legends. Legends is amazing. It ends with a Z. It's not typically spelled like this. This is the cool way.

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Relax. There's an AI that analyzes fighter stats and predicts fights so you stop guessing. Try it free at fightx IQ.com. Go to holler. maybe slash Christa Leah if you want to shout out on this podcast. So I order Bolognais and I ordered a cheeseburger. I don't even know about that.

It's going to have the mayonnaise on it yet. So this is a fucking, they're down. So I go, and then I'm like, I don't even realize they're in the kitchen just fucking creating the disaster that is going to be my meal, right? And all this other shit, I'd go down and up and up and down and down up. But little did I know. So I go, I go, add to cart, check out. Boom. Let's turn on some TV.

Boom. Dan, dun, dun, do. Just waiting. Waiting and waiting. So tired. Just 35 minutes go by. And I'm like, it's not out of the realm of possibility that it's going to take this long, right? But I'm like, dude, it's very rare that room service takes 35 minutes.

So I called down. 5-5. Nobody. Just fucking nobody. And I saw they were down there. So I call again. nothing. I call again. Nothing. Hit my tour manager. Hey man. Did you ever talk to anybody downstairs? And they said, yes. And I said, you did. He said, yes. So let me call them back.

I said, okay, so he calls. This is the whole thing taking it like calling and texting another half hour. I don't have my food. It's been an hour. Okay. So my tour manager says, So here's what you need to do. I talked to them. You need to order on the tablet. And I said, I did that an hour ago. And he says, okay, then good to go. And I go, I don't know, man.

Then my phone rings. Okay. I say, hello? And he's, the dude is talking. to a guest. I don't know if he ghost dialed me or pocket dialed me with a fucking regular phone just to ask the size of fucking,

you know? And then I, I am like, okay, an hour and a half goes by. I don't have my food. Okay. I call down. Finally they pick up. And he says, oh, oh, this was great.

I forgot about this word. And he says, hi, yeah. Um, uh, hello. I say, hey, I ordered room service an hour and a half ago from the fucking tablet. What's going on? And he says, oh, because we didn't get it. Right after he says that, this is what I hear. Okay.

So I'm like, oh, who's here? And he says, oh, maybe it's room service. And I'm like, did you guys fucking, guys, what's? Are you bringing my food or not? Why is he here? What the fuck? You don't pick up, you do. So I say, oh, room service here, great.

Hang up. Go to the door. It's a fucking guy from room service with no food. Okay? Bro, he's got an empty tray and a notepad with a pen pen. And he says, hi, I'm from room service. what would you like? And I say,

you don't have the food. And no, no, you're probably like, this story's too long. It sucks. It's annoying. Yeah, I had to do it. So you're listening. Okay?

So I think about how bad it was for me. So I go back. I call the guy. He picks up and I say, there's a fucking room service guy here to take my order. And I'm, I am livid, dude. And it's not okay, but I was livid.

I turned it in my dad. And I am bitching this motherfucker out. And it wasn't my best moment. And I'm not proud of it, but it was funny because I'm like, you, okay, you're telling me. So first of all, and I'm breaking this shit down. I'm like, gnaws on his eighth track. You know what I'm saying? Like just where you're like, oh, man, this one's good too.

That's me on the phone to this motherfucker. I am breaking this down like black thought from the. Roots freestyling on Power 106. I am murdering this dude. Okay? I'm just like... I'm sorry little kids, but I'm going to kill a clown today. So I say, let me get...

Let me just... Let me talk. So here's the deal. I did what my wife said I should do and thought for myself and clicked on the in-room dining on the TV. It gave me a QR code for the menu. and I also didn't call down. And I also called down because that's what it says to do on the fucking menu.

Nobody picked up. Nobody picked up. Nobody picked up. Then I went downstairs and I said, hello, I'd like to order it. And you said, oh, I need to use the tablet. And even though it said on the thing that I needed to use the thing I needed to call, I went up and I used the tablet. And then I used the tablet.

And then I waited an hour and a half. And it didn't come even though I checked with the checkout and all that stuff. because you did get my order. And then I call you and you say, oh, yeah, we didn't get the order. And then room service knocks on my door. So I get excited. So I go see room service and he's there to take my fucking order.

And I say, and it's been an hour and a half. And I'm still waiting for a fucking mayonnaise cheeseburger and some bolognese ramen that I don't even know is going to be like that yet. That's the real kicker is that I think I'm just getting regular to bolognaise and a cool cheeseburger. And he says, oh, okay, no, just order it with him. So I say, yeah, all right.

Well, I'm going to do that right now. But this is too many orderings for one order. I've ordered it four times now, or at least tried. So I was like, okay, man, I hung up and I'm fucking, I walk over to the dude. I say, okay, man, okay. And I got my robe on, you know, like a real cock sucker. All right, right. Here's what I want.

I want bolanets. I want a cheeseburger. And I want club soda. And the guy says, okay. And by the way, he's standing there. I was a bitching the dude down on the phone. He was standing there.

I'm bitching the dude out. And I go, I, blah, blah. And I go, yeah, fucking, I'll be right there, man. So I go over there. I tell him, I go over there. He says, okay.

So I hang up. Actually, I didn't hang up on the thing. I talked to him on, I left him on the bed on the receiver. I close the door. I go over, I walk, and say, all right, so I just ordered in person to a guy. And he says, and I'm so sorry, sir, that's going to come ASAP. That's going to come ASAP?

Because I've already been waiting for a fucking hour and 35 minutes for this shit. And he goes, yes. I say, all right, good. I hang up. Bro, it comes in like 20 minutes, two hours later from when I ordered it. I should have been getting sleep. I'm so fucking tired. So it was a mayonnaise.

cheeseburger, bro, it was so disgusting. I already said this. And the Bolognaz ramen. It was the worst meal I ever fucking had. And I went to bed. I didn't get enough sleep. Went on the plane, got home, okay? So, you know, 75 hours later.

It's just so weird how long the flight is. I got home at 6 a.m. So you don't get home and get to go to bed because I have kids. You go home and the day starts. even though you already had two full days already. And then I was thinking about that thing, that was it was a photographer Tyler Shields

that said he stayed awake for like six months. No, you didn't. Dude, no, you didn't. You just die. You didn't. You at least took micro-naps. And was it him, I think? So I was so jet-lagged.

I couldn't even believe it that day. It didn't even happen the day. Then I went to bed for 12 hours. And I woke up and I was fine, dude. So what I'm trying to say is, like I said in the beginning, I fucking smashed that jet lag. I fucking destroyed it. And I shut the fuck up about it.

I wasn't, look, I was mad, emotional. sad roller coaster but i was just you know absolutely chilling about it shut the fuck up is what i'm saying the whole thing to say shut the fuck up and i look my life is good i'm not like oh you know obviously there's people need to fucking you know there's people who only drink water and get dysentery you know and it's you know it's like okay again they're like i would love uh bolognaiza ramen And they're, you know, I would love to have a mainzburger. And, you know, they're Indian because that's where all that shit happens is dysentery.

But, yeah, I lost my voice. It's all gone. And now I've got to do 46 podcasts. But it is what it is. And I meant to talk about a lot of things this week. But honestly, I, I just had, I mean, I had some. much to do about that I guess I was so my tour manager was saying and I knew this but my tour manager is Iranian over there and he was saying that in Dubai because he spends a lot

of time there you can you this is a crazy flex this is a crazy weird thing that totally makes sense to that you can buy your register well you have to buy a registration for your license plate but the more you pay the lower your number is. Do you know about this? So like the richest guy has the license plate one. And when you see a guy driving around with like a number nine, the hose go, oh shit. Like that's the flex. Like even if you had a jalopy, like a fucking, you know, a 1998 Accura Integra. And you had the three, a three, it'd be, that accurate. Integrate will be full of hose. No skin showing, but full of hose.

And so, you know, that's a flex. And I'm like, they pay millions of dollars for these low numbers for the registration of the car. Oh my gosh. In 2023, a guy paid $15 million for the license plate P7. Oh, number one. In 2008, somebody paid, it broke the record. In 2008, somebody paid $14.5 million for one. So that guy's probably still rolling with one.

Fuck. Imagine the suck jobs he's getting in his fucking, dude. This guy's getting so many suck jobs because every dude that where this guy's rolled. He'd go, oh, that's the richest motherfucker, dude. Suck jobs? I'd roll down the window just, if I was a single guy with the one license plate, I'd just roll down the window to a fucking cafe with a patio, pull a, pull a, over someone's driving me with the with the uh sunglasses roll them down suck job

fuck yeah suck job that's how they respond chicks and dudes i don't get them from the dudes but i'm saying they want to do that because i got the one pause um incredible why don't they do that in america they will they that's too that's such a flex you know what it makes so someone says it's such a And look, every culture and race has their gaudy expression. That is so Middle Eastern, dude. To roll around in a low-numbered registered fucking showing you on their car, that is Dubai Central. And that's fine. And I'm, you know, culturally, we all have our.

you know, flex, that is, you know, that is it. I had to buy chocolate, you know, this whole thing that's coming. Man, that thing is, I wanted to hate it so bad, but that shit was bunky, wonky, dude. To Dubai chocolate? How, when I taste a Dubai chocolate, I go like this. It took this long to figure out this taste? That's crazy.

That is absolutely nuts. This taste should have been figured out at least by 1980. 83. That's how good it is. And maybe it did, but why wasn't it viral or whatever? And I know there was no internet, but you know what I mean? Viral in real life. Um, anyway, oh, how about when Timothy Chalamee said the ballet and the opera don't matter? This is what I like about, this is, it's probably my favorite thing. Well, no, no, no, it's one of my favorite things about being a comedian. It's not my favorite. It's one of my favorites. It's one of my favorites. is that one of the i would say one of the one of my favorite ancillary things wow really really

started my favorite thing but it's one of the because it's not for comedians but it's it's a byproduct of what doing stand-up and being known as a comedian can get you is that you can say shit like what timothy shallame said and nobody will come at you or they might but it doesn't matter because deep down they all know you're joking but when timothy shallame says uh ballet and opera doesn't matter he's like good thing i don't do i never did opera because it sucks you know in so many words he's like i'm and i'm not you know and then he says oh no i don't know i don't know why i went so hard now i'm going to lose 14 cents uh in ticket sales i'm talking about how much it doesn't matter and i'm fine with him saying that who cares he's to me he's obviously joking

but people are coming after him because they want to come after him, you know, because he's top dog. You can't be top dog. You can't be top dog without people coming after you. And so I guess the opera community is just, don't say that about us. They should legitimately do viral.

See, opera's missing. You got to come out with viral videos where you go, Timothy Shalame. you fogged you know get relevant right and then and then

so people are if he walks it back did he walk it back no he's not going to say anything about it he's too chill but the um celebrities just social media is not good

for actors and and anyone really you know it's just like just we weren't supposed to know that about your fucking fucking about the dump you took you know now this is coming from me who look this who first of all

who the fuck is tim gun is this guy it looks like a guy he'd be on bravo oh so a guy on bravo amazing pop tings the twitter account pop tings tim gunn reveals that he has been celibate for 43 years yo that is crazy what well well you well you You're gay. Yeah. If you're still about 43 years, you're gay, no matter what. There's something you're dealing with that you're not comfortable with because of society or you're not, you know, something's going on. That's not, that goes against everything human. 43 years? You haven't fucked since back to the future came out? That's insane. Okay. Um, so. Yeah, that that is why do, but why do celebrity? But why do celebrities? need to tell us this shit. What's up with, like, also, where did he reveal it?

It's not even, it just shows a picture of him. Like, did someone ask him on the red carpet? This is the shit, it's like, I guess that's supposed to be something that we might want to know, but I don't. And I do know. so I don't care about that and I know that now I just think it's too much here's the thing too if he said this in an interview in 1995 if he said it in an interview it would just be in the interview nobody would see it or people would and they tell their friends you'd be like really

and then you forget about it but now I got to hear this and it probably came out a few days ago you know what I'm saying try to look at chicken in the eye Dude, if there is anything I want to, if I, I can't think of what I want to hear more. Someone talking about looking chickens in the eye or William Herzog speaking very passionate about this something. And that, this is both. Okay. So it's, it's a crim to like creme right for the pickings. Try to look a chicken in the eye with great intensity and the intensity of stupidity.

that is looking back at you. Unreal. It's just amazing. By the way, it's very easy to hypnotize a chicken. They're very prone to hypnosis. And in one or two films, I've actually shown that.

I did one or two films that I actually showed that being, looking at chicken directly into, that I it is uh intensely prone to hypnosis hypnosis chickens are fucking stupid huh i talk about a frogs in my new act in my new go for it tour which you can get tickets at chrysley dot com but man i was describing frogs and i don't it's just like a part a very small part of my show where I would where I describe what frogs look like and to me it's funny you know and the crowd laughs

but this there was this one dude in Perth that when I when I started talking about I think it was Perth when I started talking about how frogs looked it was no it wasn't Perth it was Sydney I started talking about when fra how frogs looked the dude last start I broke him I broke the dude like he just started laughing so hard it was a new laugh that i hadn't heard yet he probably laughed other stuff but this was his coming out of laughing and i just fucking broke him for the rest of the time i heard him laughing and it's so interesting how how when something makes you laugh it's easier to laugh after that and i you know i know that already but i i don't know if i think it enough so it's like it was so cool to be reminded after 20 years or something like that doing stand-up that like that

That is, that's a fundamental thing that I just broke this dude and then it was done. He was laughing at everything after that. What a, what a silly way to break a guy, you know? I need to do that for the CIA, break motherfuckers into giving us information out of just laughing and pissing their pants. You know, ISIS just with wet penises and shit, giving up information, giving up there where their, you know, direct locations where their head. just fucking wet penises all over the place wet ISIS penises everywhere you feel me we need DeLea why these isis penises are dry and they're not giving up any location no these isis these ice ises penises are all dry they're not giving up any location nope i got a guy what yeah have you ever seen the podcast

congratulations. No. Of course not. Anyway, it's the host. Yeah? You think he can make these ice his penises wet? Think. I know. Call me up. Hello? Hello? Hello? It's two in the morning. Hey, we need you. No, not me. I'm retired from that game. What can I do to pull you back in? No. go back to sleep all those people ISIS with dry penises and our ISIS penises Oh

I'll do it Fucking fucking It's time to make those ISIS penises Wettier than Niagara Fuck yeah dude Didn't think I'd be saying that when I woke up this morning, but I did. Isn't that amazing?

Hell yes. So I have, God, what a dork. All right. I appreciate you guys. Keep on listening, subscribe. Like and subscribe. And go to Chrissly. Go to Chrissy.com.

Get tickets to all my new dates. Going to be in Vancouver, Colona, Austin, Tacoma. And I added Tulsa in a bunch of places go look Krista.com. Thank you very much.