Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 496. The Crazies

Episode Date: March 19, 2026

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Runk. Hey guys, what's up? Welcome to episode 496 of congratulations. Hi, it's the episode where I just put my kids to bed. So I am in a little calm, a bit of a calm state chilling, having, like, you know, it's just me and the boys here and the dogs peeing on the couch sometimes. And we're just having a nice little chill vibe. But I hope they're asleep. If they're not.

by the time I go up there well I guess I'll have to raise hell um thanks to legends social casino and sportsbook for sponsoring this episode appreciate you you know um these um these uh

they'll really test you you know especially now Billy he's almost three and he's just like I'll put him in bed and he'll be like dad and I'll be like yeah he's I'm toys. And I go, okay, bring toys up. Then, dad, yeah, I want shake.

He wants a shake. He calls it Baba Shake. We call it Baba Shake is what it is. And, you know, now I just say, no, no, no, it's time to go to bed. Because I played his game for a long time, okay? And he's, he manipulates me. And that's okay because I'm his dad. But that's what he does.

and I got to stop it right away, right? Because it's weird when you're a dad, you got to learn stuff about yourself too. You go, oh, I'm being a sucker, dude. He's getting me. Because you pride yourself on not getting got, right? A lot of you out there. I mean, maybe some of you guys think you're suckers.

But then you have kids, and they just get you. They get you. It's a great day in Los Angeles for our, air conditioning to break upstairs. It will, because this is the thing I got today was, uh, advisory warning heat wave in Los Angeles going to be 98 degrees.

So I'm like, okay. Um, it is, uh, you know, I was in Canada this week. Uh, and I,

what I want to know is like, a while ago when I went to Canada, when I first started going to Canada, they made us fill all these documents out and stuff like to go on the plane. And then they started being like, well, now you got to do it on your phone. Like when Apple, when iPhones and Google phones became big,

they're like, well, now you just do it with your phone. And today was like the day where they just go, ah, just go ahead. And I'm like, what were they doing before that? Why do you need to know if I'm taking potatoes in and then just you decide to not ask me if I'm taking potatoes in. Did Canada strike a deal with America? Did Canada strike a deal with USA recently?

Because there's no documents. Customs is a joke. You walk through it. Some guy takes a polaroid of you and then wipes his ass with it. And he goes, you're good. You have any fruits? You have any fruits? No.

Okay. and you go through it and he just throws a picture wait doesn't wait doesn't wait wait doesn't wait for it to develop dude there was somebody who came to my show that had a um a polaroid picture dude and it's nice to keep that hard copy stuff they had a polaroid camera they wanted to take a picture with me afterwards and i said okay and they didn't know how to work it dude here is a huge thing if you have a Polaroid camera nowadays know how to work it because you're already going to piss people off but people thinking that you're cute.

You're trying to be cute, right? Like I saw one thing, the guy from Felicity. Remember that show Felicity, dude? With Kerry something, and then she cut her hair in a tank. But I watched, I never really watched it, but there was a guy I saw in an article back when magazine used to be something I read it and I it was on the dude that was uh started that was in the show and he had like a whole spread on people magazine and he talked about how he collected old cameras and that's when I started to be like man I'm a villain yeah so that's what it was I I I maybe I'm a villain I don't want to be a villain but you know it's like what's that thing you to die here or live long enough to become a villain man that's good writing and I don't even want it to be good writing I want to be like, that line sucks, but that's an amazing line because it's so true when you think

about it. Because how many, first of all, when you're young, you want the whole world to work out. You're like, this is going to be great. Oh, dude, life? Hell yeah. It's going to be beautiful. Everything's going to be amazing. And then you go, oh, okay, you become a teenager and you're like, oh, there's heartbreak

and stuff. Oh, man, it's tough. then you get to be 20 and like it's kind of an upswing if you find somebody you marry him and stuff and then after that you just go oh man what's going on why's my back hurt and then also everyone's mad at each other i don't want to be a downer dude i told myself i'd wake up and be more positive and i got my watch tells me to have a great day look at what told me now you've had an easy day with plenty of relaxing moments okay well doesn't didn't take you the count a few phone calls uh consider doing some yoga meditation or another light and relaxing

activity does this watch even know me dude aren't they supposed to learn you i've never done yoga i did it once in my life kind of um to help improve your sleep quality i'll tell you what i want to do is get in and out i want to eat two double doubles dude you know what i did so i've been eating really good lately like totally like rice chicken uh you know uh beef and like you know but like lean beef the yeah it's been like two weeks i've had zero cravings dude and last night the the the place in calona canada is bcc is beautiful okay it's it's like it's like there's you go there and you go oh there's there's got be so much money here because there's old people and also young people and if there's a lot of old people that look fit, you know there's money. And also if there's

good-looking young people, you know there's money because those old people found each other because the good-looking ladies went to the rich guys and then copulated. And that's why the town is good-looking because they copulated into handsomeness and beautifulness. And so they got me cookies. Like they're like a smaller, they're a big bigger place, but it's not like Toronto. It's not like Vancouver it's not like you know even Alberta or Edmonton I don't think I don't know how many people are there but it's like a beautiful ski town there's a mountain you see wherever you walk and it's just you look up and it's it's gorgeous okay and they got me cookies with and they made a face my face on the cookies and they made like life rips logos on the cookies and it was just really cool and I look at them and I you know first of all there's I think there were 20 and it's me it's me and Denny and the camera guy and I'm like, you know, they don't have to know that I eat healthy. Okay, I understand they did something very nice. And then they're like, we got you cookies.

Did you like him? And I was like, oh, I didn't try me it, but I will. And I have to. It's like, you can't, I didn't have the heart to leave the cookies. Like, I was like, do I just sit here and just like break them up and like put something in my pockets and throw something down the sink? And like, just the way they'd be like, you know, it's like when you're a kid, you just shuffle the food around. And your mom's like, all right, that's enough there. You did it. Good. Good job. You ate.

You really, all you did was move the beans under the mashed potatoes. But, um, so I go, all right. Well, I'll just, you know what? It would be a shame if I don't try it. And I didn't, I didn't want to, but I opened up the thing. I tried it. And it was like, uh, I go, wow, that's really good. Because I haven't had something sweet in two weeks. And then the next day I go, I'm fucked you get a little bit of taste of that it's like getting horny dude right or it's like seeing tits if you're if you're if you're if you're if you if you taste a little bit of a cookie after a while you go

oh boy all right well this is gonna be on my mind for while it's like reading the beginning of the book Project Hail Mary which I did I I bought it because I forgot my dude I'd be forgetting stuff left and right. I don't remember. I don't know if it's an age thing or what, dude. I don't, you know what? I don't remember. People go, hey, important shit.

Hey, do you ever, you remember that, uh, uh, or like stuff that was like a huge thing? I'm like, remember that envoy, the GMC envoy you had for five years? Nope. No. They have to be like, yeah, yeah. Remember you, you clipped somebody's side mirror. once that was a part part car

I go oh yeah that was in that car they go yeah I go oh yeah I remember it I'm a villain oh yeah yeah that was right around my origin story when I saw that guy in the people magazine with the cameras yeah yeah he collects cameras and I hated it and then I clipped the guy's mirror I'm a villain um and uh

but like I just don't remember dude ugh who cares whatever bro I saw the the documentary on the on the on the manosphere with that the Louis Thoreau did whatever that's his name right and he was like on netflix where they were doing the the the guys who are like you know the quote unquote toxic masculinity i don't like that word toxic masculinity i don't like that shit but like i do understand what they're talking about there is there is too

far that way and then there's too far the other way where it's like hey you know uh oh your feelings every single feeling you have matters and we need to change the world because of every single feeling anyone ever feels that's obviously uh uh uh uh ridiculous and then also so is literally being like so is literally saying women are less than men they belong in the kitchen

and then also buy my course on how to make money all those guys are just making courses on how to make money hey you know what I want to know is so here's the deal there isn't if if I was if you're making a course I'm sorry. I'm actually kind of sorry to say this because there's really nice people

who teach courses. But if you've made a course for purchase, it failed. And I'm sorry, you know? Because if you're getting money from your career hand over fist, guess what the last thing

you're thinking of is, hey, got to start a course. because you're just busy buying Lambos. You're busy spending 30 grand a month for a fucking penthouse in Miami. Sign up? What? I don't know.

I just, I don't know. And I'm not saying, look, there needs to be courses. People need to learn it. Obviously, this is a comedy podcast, so please don't, you know. But it's just like, but I watch this thing. And these guys were just like, they don't care about anything but clicks and content farming. They'll literally say anything just to get engagement, which is crazy because then it's like, who are you?

You know? It made me sad. I can't. They also seem so angry, dude. And then you meet their mom and their mom's like, pick up the fucking thing. And you're like, oh, that's where he got it from. Pick it up. Clean it.

fuck boy uh okay i see drank my creatine feeling nice what does it do no clue fucking snake oil but it's okay they say it's good for your brain no clue still can't remember anything all good um did you watch the uh oscars i didn't just didn't just didn't the lady who had to give the hamnet speech was beautiful though

was that way actually i don't even know if that was the hamlet speech lady the lady was talking about mother and how important it was and how much she loved being the the the girls mothers uh started crying in the fucking colonna airport it's all good it was really cute though i loved it and i'm not like a guy who you know uh look do i do i think you know oh we're so fucking divided dude it's like people want to people are saying oh yeah but women you got to be a trap you know i want these guys who come up saying i want a trad wife clavicular dude did i ever talk about you're saying i want to Talk about clavicular here.

Clavicular. You know clavicular? That name is just... Yeah, clavicular. Look. He says, looks are everything above all costs. No, that's a different guy. He does...

Hitting... He, like, hammers his face to make it look more... manly i just eric brayden eric peters known as known online as clavicular is an american online streamer and influence influencer he became known in mid 2020s on kick and tick tock for his looks maxing content which commentators have described as extreme and controversial particularly for practices such as facial facial bone mashing and allegedly using crystal meth to Staling. Wow. And this dude is killing it. Wow. Oh, in December 20205, a live stream clip of clavicular hitting a man with a Tesla cyber truck where viral online and brought him to wider

attention. That's what got him to... Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, and he said J.D. Vance was subhuman because he's fat. Everyone who's like, not, doesn't have APEC is fat. I can't, um, You know, I'm big on like, you know, I want to look my best. I want to be my best. But it's like, dude, if you care that much, it's like these rappers that are like when they're like, yeah, where the mint coats and the diamond rings and the like and the hats and shit and like beautiful shoes. It's like at some point you go, oh, you're gay. You're, you're, that's okay. What's what's up?

When West Jet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked, the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. Getting ready for a game means being ready for anything.

Like packing a spare stick. I like to be prepared. That's why I remember, 988, Canada's suicide crisis helpline. It's good to know, just in case. Anyone can call or text for free confidential support from a train responder anytime. 988 suicide crisis helpline is funded by the government in Canada. Rap about gay stuff. Yeah.

here is the clavicular kick it's a kick thing that he's going to do for like he's going to stay online for a while but and you're going to be on kick watching him and I guess I'm promoting it now makes you want to watch American Psycho again I live in a luxury condominium in downtown Miami

that's a bad voice actor why is it dude to get a better mics. I always don't. I never understand this. I live in a luxury hotel in Alabama, Alabama, Miami. Echoey. The penthouse. My name is clavicular. No.

You know? It's Brett, right? Or whatever? 20 years old. Brendan. I believe in looks maxing. He lost to be there. The idea of maximizing physical attractiveness by any means necessary in order to ascend.

Now he's smashing himself in the hammer that will be bone mashing or bone smashing. I like how he's bone smashing or whatever it's called. And he's also anchored his head with his other hand behind it. He's bones smacking this thing like this and anchoring the head. So in case he gets too crazy with the bone smashing,

he's got a backup. He's got it locked in. In the morning, If my jaw looks a little weak, a bone smash to strengthen it. Dude. Oh, my God. You know how like you're like when you were a, when you were dad would be like, what are these kids doing? And you're like, dad, you don't get it. And now, and you go, yeah, okay, but now I'm doing that, I guess.

But you're smashing your face with a meat cleaver and anchoring it with the other head, a hand. It's too much. Wow. I love how you can watch a video on YouTube. And on the right, it'll be suggested videos. And here's one, Lesbians, 1986. My ratios are nearly golden now. Testosterone for muscle growth.

Disoxin. As for appetite suppression. I mean, Apatuck are going to die when he's 32. Dude, he's already infertile, right? That's what he said. He can't copulate. Well, he can copulate, but he can't, you know, well, I guess copulate. What is the kind of that one is?

He can't procreate. So, um, that's sad because he started doing, uh, HGH or whatever was at 14. Dude. Where are his parents? Imagine your kid shows up. All of a sudden, he's got fucking. like a jaw like Johnny Bravo, just a six-pack at 15 years old,

bruises from bone smashing. What was you say? That was a meat cleaver? Dude, that's when you literally go, hey, wait a second. What were his parents doing? This is just end times? You know, I don't want to be like that, right?

But, I really want to click on that. I'm sorry, but I really want to click on this. in this video. I just don't even understand. In 1986, they would do some crazy interviews. They'd just be like, so you're black, huh? You're like, Jesus.

Look at this. Lesbians. 1986 have been digitally preserved by UCLA film and television. Okay. This was called, dude. Eh? Oh, my. What's this?

Some MF Doom shit, you know? That's so fucking that's MF do Oh, these are the most handsomest lesbians I've ever seen in my life I guess we can't play it because it's Steppenwolf but these are the most handsomest lesbians I've ever seen They'll steal your girl 100%. Oh my God

Wait Lesbians These are the most handsome The hair to die for I think we have a problem with that word all three of us I don't know do you I mean I just I just find it so limiting I just think that we're women who care to express our love with member of the same sex and I so when you do lesbians it's I think the public expects a certain type of one and we're all different yeah

how about family I mean don't you want a family don't you like kids like normal women Dude. Don't you want kids like normal? I mean, this is legitimately like stuff clavicular would say now at this point. We've come full circle. Don't you want kids like normal women and not a freaking hoe? I'm saying freaking because Calvin's in the other room. Wow. You get the safe podcast now that my

Calvin's all bundled up on the couch. Oh, God. If you're, let's think about it. this if you're a lesbian and you're a woman and you god it's got to be so fun if you like because that's the one thing that's missing for men in a relationship like we don't have that thing in our brain that wants to do what women do and if we did oh honestly society would have stopped we would have just been a land of chillers.

There would be nothing would get done. We would just be chilling, having a, you know, complaining, talking about other people, doing nothing. Not that women do nothing. They do beautiful shit. But I'm saying,

if you're a man and you make, and you, and you would find a woman, and you also liked, like, talking about people and the day and stuff, you'd never get shit done. You'd never get shit done.

You'd just be like lighting candles and like, watching a Mormon housewives shit you need there needs to be the in the young men need to be fucking doing what they do and women need to be doing what they do that's that's that's that's the bottom line but if you lesbians got it made dude because they're just like you know soft with each other yeah you want to go to the concert yeah that's what they do sure Melissa Atheridge yeah it's got to be I you know what when I come back reincarnated. I want to be a, I want to be

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And make sure to use the code. Congrats when signing up. Keep it legendary. The Oscars came out. And because... Marty Supreme guy, Timothy Sport Chalet, said that the ballet doesn't matter, the opera doesn't matter. Marty Supreme won nothing. Dude, there is nothing Hollywood likes more than feeling like they made something right.

So Timothy, Sportchale said that thing about ballet and opera. and then there was outrage and they go, all right, you were the frontrunner. Now, guess what? Sinners, sup. The one with Leo, sup. The one with Leo that Chris will never watch because he feels like he needs to be in the right mood to watch it. Come on, let's go.

Give him that one. Michael Basketball Jordan won among like six other black guys who ever won the Oscar. That's great. Dude, I saw some guy tweet. it was so funny and he meant it he was like see that just goes to show you black guys have to work twice as hard to get the respect that white actors

get because he played two parts that's like almost one of those things we're like okay it's a good point but no dude because like screen time is screen time what about 147 hours or what are the fucking movie uh uh james franco's in he's the only one in that

man when I would act and do shows and do movies. You know what the best was? Getting a scene where you sit down the whole time. Bro, you just get to sit the whole time and do lines. And then when they go cut, you're just, you're sitting. Oh, man, what a lazy piece of shit. Um, but yeah, dude, Oscars are trying to, I heard that the YouTube might buy the Oscars. They did? Oh, wow. They take it over in 2030 because they got to do something, dude. They got to do something. They got to do something. that's a good move, I think.

TV is dying. CBS was trying to get Joe Rogan on there. Do you hear about that? How insane? What would they'd have to be like, it would have to be like, all right, so every day from six to ten, we have Rogan. And he's going to be interviewing people that, yeah, you might know them, or it might be Sam Tripoli.

On CBS, Sam Tripoli, just talk about how the aliens civilization got killed thousands of years ago and how they built the pyramids. on CBS. Yes, dude. Times are changing so much. It's amazing. Bro, this was insane. I don't like,

I saw a guy working out the other day at the gym with swimis on. He was 20 something. And he was just like making content. And I'm just like, dude, it's so hard to not get angry at that shit. You want people to do what they do, but it's like, you know,

he's like this 20-year-old with yellow swim-y-s-on, like lifting weights and you're like, dude, get the fuck out of here. And this whole thing where like people try to like gotcha or like play jokes and pranks. Oh, it's awful, dude. And then so there's this. Then there's this stuff, which a guy, this was, this made me laugh, but also don't do it. This guy is in a safari truck. pulls up on some lions, hops out of the car with a lion suit on

and runs after the lions. And the lions are like, oh, fuck, how'd that lion learn how to walk? That lion can run upright. Look at this. Once those lions figure to fuck out, look at how fast real lions are.

Oh, my God. They thought that, those lions, all those lions are, their life flashed before their eyes right there. And then they go, wait a minute. one smell and they go oh no let's just attack him unbelievable so these are the people that won

coogler got best screenplay marty supreme got snubbed michael b jordan beats out timmy and leo that's wild that's pretty wild because michael b jordan is uh okay and in sinners he was good he was good in sinners but leo and i don't know I don't I've seen Timothy Shalmay only in that one where are you now or can you hear me now or summer summer what the fuck is the gay one with army hammer who are you who are you call me by your name Jesse Buckley wins best actors I don't even know who that is oh that that must be the the the one I'm talking about Hamnet apparently that movie is just great denny was like dude we were all crying watching that movie he's like do not watch that movie because real men don't cry Yeah, that's her. Her speech was amazing, though. Sometimes there's just an actress or an actor that'll come out of nowhere and just be like, because now she's doing like a lot of, but what does she do?

Oh, that backroom speech that they do on the Oscars? Who cares, dude? You know what I mean? They'll do it. And then there'll be like four clips of somebody saying something that gets them in trouble. Well, that's what happens when you're in an Uber and the driver's Indian. Anyway. Matt Damon.

This lady. Little tip to help you choose your breakfast. Watch my body choose between a protein shake and a banana for breakfast. This is great. This is what's, I would almost say this is what's wrong. You know? Like if we figured this stuff out before it got it,

this was this was the stuff that started happening and then it got out of hand. I think this is the stuff that is what made eventually 2020 happen and then, you know, it probably like, you know, this was one of the reasons why COVID got out. Like there was somebody in a factory in China that was like, you know, doing something that this led to like this, like a sliding doors type thing.

If that didn't, if this kind of bullshit didn't start happening, we'd be way better. off, but it did and we let it. Here we go. There we go. Between a protein shake and a banana for breakfast. Watch my body. Watch my body choose between a protein shake and a banana for breakfast.

My body is going forward for a protein shake meaning yes and backwards for a banana, meaning no. Oh, dude. You're doing. Hey, you're you. You got your brain. Your brain's making your body do things. you're not a Ouija board dude

backwards for both so it looks like I'm having a protein shake for breakfast oh dude backwards for both yo guess her race you cannot dude white women man white women that are 30

that she has I guarantee she either has no kids or her kids during college because that's when you snap. You go, got to make shit up. You either don't have kids and you realize you don't have a man and you're like, maybe I want to ever have kids. And you go, all right, got to make shit up. Or your kids graduate high school, go to fucking Ithaca college or some shit.

You'll, now you're just, they're on their own. And then when they leave the house, the next few weeks in your house, you have the owner where you're like, huh, got to make shit up. I did my I did what I did the holiest thing you can do I guess I I guess I'll wait to die and just in the meantime busy myself here we go I can have a protein shake for breakfast watch my body choose month this is not her right that's a different one yeah that is so wild watch my body choose between a protein shake and a beneath I love how She says, my body. You could literally, you could shorten that and just be like, watch how I choose between a protein shake and a banana. Ah, cool. I want the protein shake.

My body leans away. Blaming it on your body is hilarious. We got him. We got the bank robber. He robbed six banks. We didn't know he was. Now he'd do. You got anything to say for yourself?

Yeah, it was my body. You saying it was me? What? My body leaned away. from home, got a gun and kept leaning, and then just leaned into a bank. I guess that's what my body wanted, clink. And this is the thing, little tip to help you choose your breakfast. Worst tips. I don't know what's rage bait or not anymore. I don't know. And I, you know, I don't really honestly care because there's people who believe in it, even if it's not that person. It's out there.

like you would have youth dude dude people out there are like just brazenly anti-Semitic and they're like I'm just going to actually stay anti-Semitic and build a career off it if you told me that could happen 10 years ago I go nah

but it does so I don't care if they're rage baiting or not because there's people out there that are the person who's saying it it doesn't matter the rage baiting or not because they still have an army of crazies you know that's why I always say dude the internet

made the crazies find each other dude when it used to be oh wow my mom believes this too she does the thing where you hold things against your stomach and push down on your arm if it drops you shouldn't have it

but if it you should they prescribed homeopathic medicine this way that's what I would say yeah exactly it's like This is something like the Navajo Indians would do. You don't want elk. Why?

The sun. The way the sun, you're like, all right. Yo, it's 2026. Eat the fucking protein shake and the banana. My body is leaning away. I just got back from, I literally just landed. Put the kids to bed. Came to do this podcast because I'm here for you, dude.

I'm here for you. Um, and once we get this Harry Potter house dialed in, you know, dude, you'll be lucky to see, ever see me again. I'll be fucking, man, once we get this wizard, uh, house up, that's what my wife's doing now. She's going to, she's, she's, we're creating an Airbnb. Oh, dude. Just let me retire. Let me just be a, you know what I want to be a fucking landlord.

Yeah. A super, right? In the old movie with Joe Pesci. Was that him? The super. Just a guy who just trying to nickel and dime you. That's your fault the fucking air unit broke.

That's your fault. The fucking air unit broke. You got to get a new one. Guys, I am got to go. My son, I have to go out, put my son to bed. I'd rather put out a podcast than not put out a podcast. I flew in late. I got in late.

I threw my kids to bed. They're having trouble going to bed. My wife's not home. I have to go take care of it. This is the podcast. We'll come out. The next one will be full length. And I'm doing the best I could do.

I legit, like, just got back from Canada and did shows. And I want you to, I wanted to, I'd rather have a podcast out than not. I figured. And I just, I got to handle this. So I appreciate you guys. And thank you and sorry for the shorter episode. I'll be back next week.

Guns blazing. So I appreciate you. Thank you. Like and subscribe. Appreciate. I don't know.