Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 499. The Conduit

Episode Date: April 2, 2026

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Uh, where are my gloves? Come on, heat. Any day now? Winter is hard, but your groceries don't have to be. This winter, stay warm. Tap the banner to order your groceries online at voila.ca. Enjoy in-store prices without leaving your home. You'll find the same regular prices online as in-store.

Many promotions are available both in-store and online, though some may vary. When WestJet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked, the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. Oh my gosh, it's episode 499 of Congarglations.

Hey guys, it's episode 49 of congratulations. Legends, thank you to Legends, Social Casino and Sportsbook for sponsoring this episode. And it's just pretty chill. Oh, dude, I have to be honest, I cannot believe that we have gone 499 episodes. And, you know, there have been ups and downs. There's certainly been everything. And we're coming up on 500. and I just got to say, you know, I'm feeling really grateful.

I am, you know, and a few episodes, I was telling you, I was going through some stuff, I still am, but it was, you know, that was a sad day, and this is a hopeful day. You know, it's all cyclical and it's all what it is. And so that's where I'm at today. But I do want to say, though, it is my birthday, or it was yesterday. So now, by the time you're listening to this, it was a few days ago. So for my birthday, I released, I put out a gift to you guys. And I've been wanting to talk about this at length because I think that because I just kind of put it out.

I have a new tour that I go on tour with. My last tour that I did, I never shot it. And I don't know why, honestly. I don't know why I never shot it. It just didn't happen. I didn't put, you know, like I made, grow or die, put a bunch of money into making that. And then that was like a big thing for me.

And then after that, I was just like kind of chilling doing the road. And I was like, I don't know when I'll do my next special. So I never really shot it. And so what happened was I document my shows. You know, I have Sam, my camera guy comes with me. And there were a few. there were a few performances where I just kind of like had good performances.

And I was like, dude, instead of setting this up and just shooting it again and all that, let me just release the footage. So I did that. I released the footage and I called it the B side. Because, you know, like how they do in music and all that. But the reason why I call it the B side is not because I, it's very special to me, the hour,

the hour of material is very it's polished and it's good and i worked hard on it um it's it's a material b side had to do with the fact that i didn't really produce it it's just kind of like this raw uh you know not very edited thing it actually has two shows i have i'm wearing one shirt in one thing and then at the end i wouldn't wear another shirt because i cut another show into another show into it so but i don't know i the more i thought about it i flirted with the idea of rehearsing or rehearsing, but like going through the material again and like getting it good and then shooting it with all the bells and whistles. But I was like, dude, why? Why? And I, you know, the other, the other, the other, um, uh, grow or die I put the original version, the uncut version.

It's on my website. You can still get it. I put it behind a paywall. I made a bunch of money on that. And on this one, I was just like, dude, I'm just going to put it on YouTube. And I did. And I thought, I'll do that. I wish, what I wanted to do was do it January 1st for the new year.

And that day came and went. And I was like, you know what? I'm just going to, I'm just going to do it on my birthday. So I dropped it without fanfare, without even announcing it. I think maybe the hours before the day I did. But I was like, this is going to come on tomorrow. So it's on YouTube. Check it out.

It's called the B side. I am really proud of it. It's, you know, definitely. I personally think, I think I get better and better. So, you know, I don't, you know, people, are liking it so go check it out and leave a comment if you do and share it and let people know but it is kind of cool the reason why i like it i don't know it's kind of more it feels cool to me because it's like more of a um raw thing and i kind of like that i don't know one of my buddies was like i like

it better like this and i'm like i understand yeah i understand that i think i would too maybe but anyway uh so it's out there so do that uh check it out it is my i don't you know i want to say it's my special, but I'd just say it's my next hour that I released. So yeah. That's what happened. And then that's pretty much what it was.

So I went to Tacoma and it was cool. And Tacoma is one of those places where honestly, I went to like four different coffee shops and they were all good. They were all good. I went to Gravity Coffee, right? I went to

Campfire Coffee. I went to another spot that was called like, oh, actually it was good food, Happy Belly or something. And then, I don't like the name. And then, but, and then I did the show is that Nate Jackson's super funny comedy club. Nate Jackson is killing it out there, but he's got a comedy club in Tacoma. man, it was really, it was really fun, it was good. The crowd was wild. The Sunday crowd was so wild.

I was like, on a Sunday? I couldn't believe it. There were four different groups of people just, well, being like they never have been out before. And so I had to, you know, kind of wrangle him and all that stuff. But that reminds me I'm a professional and it kind of, you know, I don't love doing it, but it is, I will do it. I'll do it.

And so I did that. And, dude, it was so funny, too, because Calvin and Billy have been really into the Power Rangers lately. And they got, like, the outfits of the Power Rangers and the masks. And Billy's running around saying, it's morphine time. And he goes, and then, because he knows Denny, you know, Denny, who opens for me on the road a lot, who is black. and Calvin said to mom without me there or Denny there, obviously, but he was like, you know what, if we need someone to be the Black Ranger, Denny could be the Black Ranger because he's black.

And I was like, that is gorgeous. And you know why? And you know why? And so we FaceTime. So Denny and I FaceTime him. And he said he could be the Black Ranger. So here's the deal, dude. Here's the deal with that.

Okay. That is beautiful. and here's why, dude, because it's so pure and innocent. Like the other day, Calvin said, that's one of my friends in school, and he pointed to this black kid, and he said, yeah, his skin is brown, and I don't know why. It just is the way it's just the way it is. That's what he said. And it's so beautiful because that's the truth.

And he never, he didn't think anything beyond it. You know what I'm saying? he just goes yeah that's just how it is and as adults we get into some of us get into a thing where we judge people because of their whatever right it doesn't have to be their color could be their car could be anything and to hear something you know their outfit whatever it is to hear something so pure from a kid like that is so such a reminder of how how it should be. Like, dude, they say, and I don't like

sayings like this, but they're like, you can learn a lot from your kids. But my gosh, is that true, dude? I mean, my gosh, is that true? My kids be saying stuff, and I be taking a back. I be beside myself, dude, when my child says something to me sometimes.

I go, oh, I'm like a black woman at church. I go, oh. with a fan because kids will really open your eyes to some shit now that's not look we all get to be adults no no we don't all get to be adults but uh you you become an adult and you get shitty that's just what it is you know and even sometimes like you know it's like look okay take the worst person in history whatever you want to say hitler whoever somebody like this right um you go oh yeah but that he was a baby too and think about all the things that happened in his life to make him.

Like it's saying, oh, if you knew somebody's whole story, you'd understand them. And it's like, yeah, but some adults get to be growing up so shitty, dude, that I'm just like, you're walking too slow in the crosswalk, you know? And I understand that's a lot different than genocide, but it starts somewhere. So just if you're a child listening to this podcast, which you absolutely should not be, keep your innocence, dude. Keep yiniscence because it really is,

it really is important and it was beautiful. And we lose that. Yeah, we lose that. Because I was getting home today. And like, you know, sometimes you catch yourself. It's like, oh, I have. I actually have it all. Like, you know, yeah, okay, you look at people like, whatever, I don't know, Elon Musk or Jeff Bezos.

Oh, hell yeah. And you go and you say, oh, man, he's got everything. Dude, Elon's got everything. Look at Elon's tweets. Look at his tweets. He's too erratic. You think he's happier than you? What do you think?

He's made him more comfortable. And I get that comfort is an amazing thing, you know. So I stopped wearing Jordans. But like having it all isn't what having it. This is what I. Now here's a saying I do. Here's a saying I say, dude. The only thing harder than,

this is so true, dude. The only thing harder than making it in life is realizing that you already have. Yes, dude. Because you, because you, you, you, you, you just go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And you go, wait a minute, dude. What I got. I got health. I got some money. And even if you don't have money, you can eat. You're alive. You know, you've got the loved ones. You, you, you, bad things also happen, but try to also make sure that you're not focusing only on them. Yes, he makes so much sense, dude you know i go you know like my my sunday show was crazy and uh you know it wasn't really uh it wasn't full you know what i'm saying so i'm like oh it's not full but i'm like dude this is what i

wanted to do i did five shows in tacoma this is exactly you know what i want to do in my life i have my beautiful children and family you know i have people that love me that are just i'm so lucky to have that. And when you try to focus on those things, you are happier, man. Fuck, he's a preacher. But he doesn't take money from pores. Fuck, he's a preacher.

But there's nothing false about it. Fuck! And it's just gorgeous. In the words of Colin Farrell, when he's having sex with that woman out of wedlock, gorgeous. It's just absolutely gorgeous.

Before sex tapes was a thing, when you could only find sex tapes on specific websites for that one sex tape, in the words of Colin Farrell, life is, ah, gorgeous, it's just gorgeous. Imagine being in some fucking dugout and just, gorgeous,

as the chick, you'd be like, what are you doing? that's just fucking gorgeous but um yeah so you know because i was coming home and it's like dude i've got i've got a great life look is it is it what people imagine it maybe not i i don't know i don't know if people people probably think like i'm like you know i have a lot of responsibilities i have a lot of people to make happy and support and as a guy you kind of got to like trudge or i guess as a guy, but as like the, the leader of the family, I guess, in a certain way. You got to just kind of like not, you got to pick your moments to cry, you know?

And, you know, my life is very good, but I was coming home today and I was so happy to be home. You know what it is? It's when something, when I'm so excited about something, I'm a fucking child. And something then gets in the way of that or delays me to getting to that. I go into the next stratosphere. You know, that Project Helmerie, that's about me. That movie is about me when I'm inconvenienced. Right?

Oh, you're trying to say humanity? Nah, just trying to figure out why the fucking front gate doesn't work. That's me. That's my project, Hell Mary. I got home, you know, I got picked up. The driver drove me to my house and I had to, by the way, it's a, like, this is a kind of piece of shit I am. It's a gated community, you know, and the gate wasn't working. And I'm like, all right.

And I have to be like, can you pull over? I'll try to open up the thing and it wasn't working. And I go, you know what I thought? I was like, this is, I want to actually, I want to actually cry at this, you know? And look, I don't want to cry because the gate doesn't work. I want to cry because the gate not working is the conduit to what is happening. That is, I don't know anything.

Okay. uh so thank you for the conduit the conduit starring who's that guy the the conduit starring that guy in fucking with the patrick what's his name who cares patrick dempsey but the all jason patrick is that him jason patrick the the conduit starring patrick dempsey and jason patrick the The Conduit starring Patrick Dempsey, Patrick. Comes out St. Patrick's Day. Paddy cake, patty cake. What the fuck?

I are gorgeous in the middle of it. With special guest appearance, you're gorgeous, you're gorgeous. So the gate's not opening and I'm getting pissed. And I got my kids are right in the fucking house. I just want to be there. My phone's not connecting to the app. Can't open the gate. Can't open it from the thing.

Got the wrong code. Pissed. Pest. Pest. Had to get out the car. Had to try and do it. Reconnect with the thing. Finally got the gate open without flipping out, right?

No, let me just reiterate. Let me just reiterate. I have a great life. Okay. I'm focusing on something that's pissing me off. now then we pull into the community the driver says take do i take a left and i said yep and i have to be honest there was the thought where i go how come he's asking me that because i'm seeing his gps and it says just go left so i wonder why he's asking me that i guess he's just double checking and then i feel like

why am I thinking? And then I go, why am I thinking that? You know, he takes the left, and then he gets to my house, and I say, you just pull in a driveway right here. And he passes the driveway. Okay. Now, look, that's nothing. But the lightning of anger I felt. It was just absurd. And I know feelings are okay,

but how you react or how you act on those feelings are not always okay. So he says, he says, oops, I said, oh, you missed it. Just like that,

you know, which is fine. That's how I said it to him. And he's a man so he could take it. If I said, I don't know, I don't turn to a big argument. But she would have said,

my tone, you know, I mean, oh, you missed it. What? No, and I'm just saying, you missed it.

No, I know, you missed it. I'm just saying, I don't know what, I was just saying it. I was just saying it. Yeah. Well, maybe don't say it.

It's just, it's like I'm thinking it out loud and that should be okay to do it. My wife. I don't say this kind of shit in front of the kids when you're saying shit in front of the kids. But yeah. Oh, you always have to have the last word. No, I guess. Is that the last word? I don't mean to say, no, but I, yes, I agree with you.

Okay. So you're right. And that's it. Good. You had to say good, right? No, so now I'm pissed. Now I'm pissed. I actually went through the whole thing without being pissed,

but you said good, so now I'm pissed. But go ahead. I have the last word. And ain't that a kick in the head. Go watch my special, though, yeah. Or hour, I like to call it on YouTube. I put it on YouTube. And come see me.

I got a bunch of dates coming up, Chrissley.com. I'm going to be in Cincinnati next. And then Columbus and then Utah, St. Louis, Little Rock, Arkansas. and, you know, Vegas. I got a bunch of dates coming. I'm going to be in Portugal.

Portugal is it? No, is it Portugal? I don't even know. Is that what is Lisbon? Yeah. Yeah. Portugal. I'm going to be in Portugal.

I don't know what to, you know. I hear it's like beautiful out there. Have you been? God, got to go. I don't even know, like, I'm going to get so fucking tan. It's going to be crazy. I'll tell you what.

I ate sloppy this weekend. Okay. No, you know what? I'm telling you right now. Chris Leah said it. Watch this summer. I said it last episode. Jackton diced or tanned and diced.

Bronze and diced. The Patreon episode, you can sign up for the Patreon. But I'm bummed to be bronzed. So yeah. Hey guys. I want to take a break to talk to you about our sponsor, Legends. Legends is a free-to-play social casino and sports book.

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on your first purchase up to $100 and make sure to use code, congrats, when signing up. Keep it legendary. I did. Tiger Woods got arrested again, right? For a DUI? I never know really when you just someone gets arrested for a DUI.

It's like, is it really how over were they, you know? Dude, and then I saw that meme with fucking, the Phillips Seymorhoff meme with Tom Cruise. and they made Philip Seymour Hoffman's they made Tiger Woods's face on Phillips Seymour Hoffman and Tom Hanks was just like

because it was like when Tiger Woods wants to get in the car and Tom Hanks just going No No with the fucking one tear No no

and it just is fucking what's his name Tiger Woods's face on fucking we're at war and this is in saying can we play this yeah all right we'll see didn't a make it so who cares well who made this supposedly iran made this their department of social media made this this is a trump trump okay that's a Trump did. Honestly, this is one of those things that it's like, yes, I understand how did they make this.

And also, of course, they made this. Yeah. Sacrifice young boys for a lie. Listen. Dude. Dude. You sacrifice young boys for a lie is already tip-top, dude. This is AI because it's yeah, it could be chingy. Yeah, yeah.

Here we go. Make America great again. Make America great again now. We would see what happens. Yeah. Watch this. B-Sakwinfellin'a. Why you sacrifice so just to pay for your spoil.

You push you ran to blow. Sicking on your throne. Now we turn in every base into a bed of stone. Oh. A trap you couldn't see. Talk about bouncing off the wall. The secrets I leak. Dude

They smell They're Honestly Honestly This could have been made by The people I saw on Seattle You sent your boys to die on the bloody coast Not a revenge for the lead is blood is purely mine

Every drop of his blood is a missile on a lie Like you got you shit But another Cominay It's standing in the head Yeah you strike one down We just shadow your brain We put another in the list

Commonane again Honestly Oh The secrets are leaking Another one I mean he's always It's so funny That every fucking image of Trump

He's always sweating They make him sweating It looks like fucking jizzes on his face LOSC Yeah another one Kambit music Oh man

Nahu I mean come on You know Honestly I'm gonna be honest About this song Okay Oh and then a serious thing at the end Hold on

You will drown You will Oh fuck I mean it was a bangor guys Come on It was a banger. You left it at that, but this guy, you will... Oh, dude!

You got to leave this part out of TRL. You will drown in our blood. Capital is blood. You made a grave mistake by choosing to attack us. Among all U.S. presidents, you stand out for making one of the most reckless and misguided decisions. You underestimated the strength, resilience, and unity of our people. history will judge this choice and it will not be in your favor. No thanks you.

Wow, amazing how they still had to keep it kind of Middle Eastern. No thanks you. For your attention to this matter, the people of Iran. Dude, it was a banger. Leave it at that, dude. Leave it at that. Also, why is it Legos themed? I'm going to be honest about this song.

Okay. we may have had to cut it out if it is if we did it's on the patreon version but uh the song that iran made for trump uh it's it's a banger it is a banger it goes back to the 90s i mean it makes you feel like okay hell yeah we're walking into a uh a house party or this is you know on the soundtrack of a movie with you know, I don't know. Justin Long in it. Or, you know, I don't know, that was probably later in the 90s. But it's a banger.

It is possibly the worst disc track, though. I mean, it's not even really a disc track. If you, if Iran made this. Okay. And let's just say they did because it's for funnier. It's funnier. They didn't do it. They don't know hip-hop.

Okay? They don't know hip-hop. Look at this. This is real. Iran released a humorous video trolling former president of Donald Trump, which is garnered significant attention and mixed reactions on Reddit. Wow. Yeah, they did.

The video used Lego animations to mock Trump. Why? It's, oh, wow, this is funny. The first thing people say about it is, it's a banger. It is, but it's just They should have got a real, real You know what they should have done? They should have made it fucking underground

and gritty, dude. Oh, if they did that, people like to look at the Legos, but if they had like a real Iran rapper, Iranian rapper, like with like a grill and like just in a basement with a swinging light bulb

with a fucking Griselda type beat, oh, forget it. Ah, this is to bounce back? Trump got to release one now. What is this world, bro? I mean, what is going on? We can, you just, the government is making a disc track.

Coffee can just be delivered to me on my birthday by a friend three states away. Some guy will just pick it up and bring it. that happened is it's uh oh no is this a real guy this guy found john sina and started talking to him i haven't get rid of his saying he wants to know if anyone's approached me like this hold on he said he said i'm just so pretty oh oh how you know i guys to meet you up john do like to sing now yes uh i think that's okay thank you he said i'm just what oh actually he dealt with it so well to be honest oh hi i'm john sina would you like to sing now get that out of the way yeah yeah for what purpose

Let's just so pretty To be on cellars So Let's start with hello How you doing? And for what purpose? Because I think I sing Oh man

That sucks, dude Honestly, DDT him Body slam him Also the singing Is bad, dude Like Thank you

I don't uh you know I just realize is uh you know I just realized is uh I just realized is John Cena is going to run for a office 100%. There's no way that also he's John Cena and he's just like reading in shorts in a coffee shop is wild um but has anyone yeah people have come up to me with their phones but I don't think it yeah people have come up to me with their phones but not something like that. And if they did, I don't know what.

I don't know what. I would be, well, I'd tell you what, whatever happened later on, I'd feel yucky. No matter what happened. No matter if I handled it well or not well, later on, I'd be like, ugh,

it's so weird in the world. L-O-S-C-R. but he dealt with it pretty well, I would say, your singing is not good. You know what? I would do that. If you were going to sing to me, you need to be better than that.

That's what I would say. Fuck yeah, dude, got out of that one. Then later on, field junkie. That is just not okay. I don't, man, these things where, like, people are farming for content, I fucking abhor it. I really abhor it.

Does anyone actually like that? What is a view worth if it's only because you're watching it because you hate that? And I know that you can now fail into success for the first time in human history. you can keep failing and gain. You know, you never actually have to, you know, most of the time failure will turn into growth. But now it's just failure turns into more failure and that's the thing and you can monetize it. And that is a friggin, probiwabi. It's of course a probiwabi.

uh now there are guys who did it really well and then there are guys like this asshole that fucking sings i saw somebody once at mel's diner buster rhymes was eating at belmels diner and um some woman walked up to him and started singing and she was fucking horrendous dude and i'll never forget it you know what i'm saying look what she did to my life that's fun that's fine It's not trauma or anything. And by the way, can we, why, some people are addicted to their trauma, huh? Like some people are just, hey, I get to be a sad boy.

I get to be a sad boy. And then other people go like this, aw. And do you know that awe is worth? And I stand by this, dude. Gold? Oh, the victim mentality is wild, huh? Oh my God. I yawn for you.

I yawn for you because you're the babies, dude. You're my babies and you're in the... We're going to get this log cabin going, dude. I saw some spots up in Tacoma and I might get that log cabin popping. Okay. When I sell my business, I want the best tax and investment advice. I want to help my kids, and I want to give back to the community. Ooh, then it's the vacation of a lifetime.

I wonder if my out of office has a forever setting. An IG Private Wealth Advisor creates the clarity you need with plans that harmonize your business, your family, and your dreams. Get financial advice that puts you at the center. Find your advisor at IGPrivatewealth.com. I asked for another cookie on the plane, too. And I was nervous. How about that? I don't really get nervous too much,

but they were passing out cookies, and I put in my mouth and I go, oh, no. What's better than a fucking chocolate chip cookie man? I put in my mouth, I go, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Need more. I flew out to Tacoma. They gave me the same cookies. But here's the thing.

When I flew out to Tacoma, Ed Begley Jr. was on my flight. Now that is phenomenal, okay? he's 78 six seven years old some and i said to him hey dude i think we've probably met some time he said something to me and then i said hey we i think we probably met before my name's chris i'm a comedian he goes yeah yeah okay yeah i yeah we probably have and then he said are you going to the show out in seattle and i was like what he was like just some rewind show that was like a i think it's i think it was like a convention like where you did get signings and

shit and you see everybody from like it's from like the 80s and 90s and shit um and he's there you know and uh i said oh no i have a show i'm doing in tacoma i'm actually a comedian he was like oh cool do you know paula poundstone i'm like jesus christ uh i've never met her but i do know her she's out there still doing the road and all that yeah she loves it he says she's out there she's 70-something i'm just loving it and i'm like oh wow that's amazing and then i said to him i was like you know that's the thing. It's like, I love what I do. I really, really love what I do. But like, how long do I do it? You know? And then the cookies came. I ate my cookie. And I go, that American, that Alaskan Airlines cookie had no business being that savory. I mean, it was sweet, but it had no business being that

savory too. And I go, I didn't know Alaska Airlines King. with it like that. And then I Googled Ed Begley Jr. while I was eating the cookie, okay? Next to him. If I'm next to you, I might Google you. Okay. And as I'm Googling him, I see he's very outspoken.

So I'm not, you know, doxing him, but he's very outspoken. And I think it's honestly a beautiful thing in a beautiful way about his Parkinson's. He's had it since 2016. And he was talking about how when he first got it, he was working. that he only had three years to live, and then he's been alive for, you know, he's been living with it for 10 years and he's not really slowing down yet.

And that's great. And it's also very cool for people with Parkinson's to hear that. Or as I happen to be a fan of Ed Begley Jr., I think he's fucking hilarious. So as I'm reading this, I see he cycles every day. Because I'm like, I'm looking at him like, dude,

he's an older man, but he's, tall and he's fit, you know? Like some guys just get old and, you know, honestly more power to him. Get fat. Fuck it. Who cares? I lived already all the dope, you know,

parts of exploring and doing everything totally physical and, you know, wrestling with my kids. And now I'm going to enjoy everything with my mouth. I'm 75. give me lard. You know what I mean? Like just whatever whatever my mouth enjoys,

give it to me. And I, and I, that's how I want to be, dude. Fuck vanity. When you turn 70 something, give me chocolate. All of it. Chocolate, butter,

a lot of salt, beef. You know what I mean? Just I'll eat it all. right who cares what am i going to do get sick what am i going to do catch something i'll tell you right now you know if you're and i and i and i i have to be honest with you because this i think this is very i i do stand by this but i do not have any uh what do you call it STDs i i i do not have any i i i do not have any STDs okay uh but and now i and you know what that means i fell short i fell short okay

because if you get to be 75 and you don't have herpes you ain't shit and i mean that so okay i'm not about it then so i'll take it out because because you got to live right so my point Point is when you get to be 75 and you don't, you don't, you don't, you don't, uh, eat what you want, put what you want in your mouth and also have, you know, at least a collection of warts from time to time. You ain't. You're nothing, you got to get, get, you know, you hear about all these older single people that, you know, they're widows or widowers and they go and they live in Florida and they just keep, they're not wearing condoms. They go out, they point, they get what they get. They don't give a fuck. If they didn't have herpes, they go get it. Hey, it's my herpes years.

That's what you're going to say. You know, and, you know, hopefully you die around the same time as your loved one, your wife, or your husband. But if you don't, that's herpes getting there. You didn't get it already? Hey, let's make up for some lost time. What am I going to do? When I'm 80, buy condoms, dude, that's prime herpy getting time. So, you know,

I don't mean to gross you out, but I'm reading this about Ed Begley, you know, how he's really healthy. And I'm like, oh, man, he cycles every day. And I go, and he says, he's vegan. I go, he's vegan. I mean, he did order the fruit.

He did get the fruit. he didn't get the thing oh but there's cheese on the fruit so maybe he's not very amazing cheese i don't know but they gave him a cookie and i go well he's not going to eat the cookie right so i eat my cookie when i sit back and i go and i think all right if he doesn't need a cookie i guess it's probably up for grabs right but then i'm like am i really going to ask ed begley Jr. if I could have his cookie? When I woke up that morning, you wouldn't have, that wouldn't have been on my, you know, thought of on my to-do list. Ask Ed Begley Jr. for his cookie. I mean, I never thought I would have done that. I mean, maybe as an actor, you know, and I'm watching

Sopranos, I'm watching Sopranos on my iPad too. And I go, and I'm in my head, I'm like, Hey, wait a second, I'll bet dollars to donuts that Ed Biggley, Jr. is in Sopranos. And I Google it and he's in one episode in season six and I go, life. Ain't that a kick in the head. And then they're about to take his tray. And Ed Begley Jr. grabs his cookie, looks over to me and goes like this. And I say, you're not going to eat it?

And he says, I'm not going to eat it. And I said, thank you. and I fucking housed it. Now, here's the problem. I ate two cookies, went off my diet, that's fine, and these cookies, and I want to remind you, they had no business being the savory, okay? But I then got the flight home from Alaska Airlines. They gave me a cookie, and the guy next to me goes like this when they give cookies out.

And I go, fuck. It could have gave it to me. So I'm like, I'm just going to ask the airline. I'm a big boy and ask him if they have some left. Like a bitch, dude. I already got my allotted cookies. Egg bedling Jr.'s not here. So she came by and she said, would you like anything else to drink?

And I said, no, actually, but do you have any more cookies left over? Like a fucking bitch, dude. I hated that I said that. But the cookies had no business being that savory. weed I get, but the mixture? And the attendant looked at me for too long, and I wanted to die. Say something. Say something, bitch. You know what I mean? You go, actually, I'm okay on drinks. Are there any more cookies left over in my head? Say something. It's taken too long. Say something, bitch.

And she goes like this. I don't say bitch for women. I don't do that. But in a joke, sometimes it makes it more funny. And I want, and I want, I know that's what I want to say. So I didn't actually think that, but I'm saying that for the podcast to color it because it makes it funnier. All right. She was probably very nice. She smiled a lot. But, so she said, looked at me for too long and then goes like this. Let me go check.

And I felt even worse, dude. But she came back with that cookie. She came back with that cookie and gave it to me. And man, it was just like Ed Begley Jr. all over again. Talk about rewind. Dude, talk about Rewind Washington. That's what it was called. It's a fucking traveling convention.

Don't you just bet they're dying to get Mario Lopez and that? And he's just like, no. I'm still current. but man, it's awesome to be 76 and to be doing fucking conventions like that. I bet that's so fun for a guy like that because he still worked. But to be like,

you know what, I'm going to go to Washington, sweetheart. I'll be back in two, three days and just bumping in a fucking screech. Well, he's dead. But you know what I mean? Don't want to bring it down. But bumping into screech like people. If there's a character in history,

I hated more than screech, I couldn't think of them right now. I couldn't think of them right now. And there's one reason. I couldn't. I can't stand characters that say a whole secret that they shouldn't be saying to another character and then say oops afterwards. It, it does something serious in my body, dude.

Well, that's because Zach said he wasn't going to ask her to dance. Oops! And then the crowd, oh, you don't get through the whole secret and then say the oops. You say the, you don't even say the oops. Dude, it's bad writing. It's bad. If I was screeched, man, I wouldn't be doing that. No, I'm not saying that shit.

I get it. I get what my part is. I'm not running through the whole sentence and then saying oops. Do you know why? because screech isn't a fucking he isn't an idiot you know what actually he's not even an idiot even an idiot wouldn't do that

let me talk to the fucking script supervisor come here can I talk to a little writers let's have a meeting here to be the annoying actor I don't want to say yeah but Lisa was upset because Zach didn't invite her to the dance oops so when can we put this oops earlier

or can we put this whatever dude this is the shit I think of and I've been tested for autism a few times I don't have it I have it. I have it. But it is what it is. And, um, you know, moods ain't.

Did you know you could just, what fuck? Is this? Is this what you sent to me? Oh. You sent, it says on the thing. You sent it to me. But hold on. I want beaver.

Oh, that's weird. It was not that. Now it's this. this is the i want beber thing oh shit oh shit all of these beavers be eaten dude oh shit oh what a good idea who put this on you i see yeah no i get the real one though oh i know that guy he's terrible send me that he's on what oh it is well that this actually had beavers on it Whoa, that's weird. You sent me a link that says,

did I click out of it? Now we'll never see it again. Okay, I'll just put it on the dock, on the docket. This is really weird that it sent to this. This is what it went on. But that's not what this link is. So why did that happen?

I'm like, why don't fuck did it? No, this isn't it. This is not doing it. This is not what it's showing me. It's going to all different things. But that's weird one was a beaver. I know what guy that is, though, that the cowboy had. Yeah, I saw that.

I know the guinea pigs, but still, close enough, you know. But what's that guy's name? I'll look him up on my phone because that guy is wild. Cowboy, hold on. He's just the horniest motherfucker alive, you know. Cowboy underscore K2, the number? Oh, follow back. He follows me.

Shit, hold on. This guy's out of control. Gentle. Okay, here we go. Gentlemen, do not underestimate how much your eyes are saying when you're talking with her. Make sure you engage with your eyes. That you're locking eyes with her for at least six seconds at a time. And when you do look away.

Six seconds of time. Look away slowly. Oh. Oh. Oh. Make sure she knows she's the most interesting person in the room. He's outside, you know? He's right.

He's right, dude. I do that. Bro, I keep eye contact like crazy sometimes. But this guy is a crazy messenger for this. Let's see more. Ladies, men have two emotions. Uh-oh. Horny and hungry.

So if he's got out. attitude and he doesn't have an erection, tell him to go make a sandwich. Oh, God. You know, social media is like, just can we get, can we, can you have a license for it or something? I mean, not that it would be, you know, everyone would still get it, but it's just like, he does ones where he's talking about like eating, eating, eating, eat and dug out. Gentlemen, do your best to complete her to do list. Oh, God.

what a cock. And then she'll put herself at the top of the to-do list. Oh, fuck. You mean sex, right, bro? Dude, this guy, you know when he thought of that when he goes. Well, come on. Get the iPhone. We're going out to the desert. I got a banger.

Do you have six seconds? Come on. You know, it's a shame. Vine still isn't still a thing. Just a fucking banger of some. This guy, this is like. Like, come try it. It's a wonderful place to go for a date or definitely an anniversary.

Ah, he's cool, though. This Saturday, Mars, 20. No. Happy anniversary, Christine. Oh, same anniversary. Thank you for 26. Oh, this is cute. Oh.

And this turn, and it turned around. And now I like the guy. If your three finger workout was successful. Ha! Try the Vulcan. you know dude hey hey guy you lost me happy anniversary she's hard love you oh yeah 26 years with your beautiful oh you gotta go in a nice vacation place is really sweet take your wife take someone you love even an anniversary yeah put your fingers in her ass and her pussy gentlemen

pick a lane um it's st patrick's day christin yeah we're gonna do something magical tonight I'll give you one guess. It rhymes with luck. We're going to do something. It does rhyme with luck. But that's, what is that? I'm actually shut down after that one. Like, is it good he did that?

I mean, you know, it's definitely good for people to do what they want. if it doesn't hurt anybody on social media and they're just kind of like being silly and so i guess it's good but then also you go guy you know you start thinking try harder but then you're like but no not try harder it's fucking instagram who gives you shit at least he's not pulling up the shocker like you like you did earlier one eh i i think it's good i think the guy's maybe good next time you're on a deep conversation with her and you keep locking guys Oh, God, I think I'd be on her little wink. Eye contact. Imagine winking.

And then a little tiny corner smile. Oh. And just keep going with your conversation. Bro, are you kidding me? If my wife was telling me something deep and I winked at her and gave her a corner smile, she would think I was having a stroke. Oh, it's not the time for that? Okay.

Oh, you're talking about issues with your family of origin. Okay. I'm sorry. My bad. I've just, have you heard of Cowboy 2K on Instagram? he's got that video where he says if you um about how you could put your finger in never mind though but you were telling me about your uh parents but after this i want you to watch something with me uh that's crazy man

fourth car out 91 300 x needs a little bit of help this spring we're taking it to get parts and uh fixer up so it'll be fun to cruise oh that gets a like that gets a fucking cock-sucking like And that gets a follow. Look at this. This is great. Married 26 years, my goal is to help long-term relationships by sharing life experience and personal opinion. I'm not a therapist or psychologist.

This guy's just living life, dude. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, he's building the table on his stories. Oh, look at this guy. That's great. Oh, I want... Oh, he's doing cameos? We've got to get cameo.

All right. Cool. Yeah. Well, listen, guys, thanks for... watching. Turn on my new hour. It's on YouTube. It's on my Chris Lea account. Go over there and do that. And then come see me. I'm going to be in Cincinnati and Columbus and St. Louis and Little Rock, Arkansas, and Utah and Vegas and Schaumburg, Chicago. So check it out. Appreciate you guys. Thanks.