Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 5. The Fish Brownie

Episode Date: February 28, 2017

First ever 5th episode! In today's episode Chris talks about who is to blame for the big Oscar mess-up. Also in today's talk: old people who are happy, restaurants that have different menus for different meals, the evolution of rap, and Chief Keef's Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show we can book your reservation and when you get to the main event skip to the good bit using the card member entrance let's go seize the night that's the powerful backing of american express visit amex.ca slash y amex benefits vary by card other conditions apply hey babies hey my babies what's up congratulations the podcast we're back it's the first ever fifth episode and we're doing it we're doing it live well this is live when i shoot it but it's actually not live because it'll be when you listen to it. You know, they say taped live for later sometimes, which is basically like saying, hey, this is not live. But let's just pretend I'm in your car or your cubicle talking to you and we're having a good time or maybe wherever you are.

Maybe you're just sitting in your bed. You're listening to this podcast and I'm just right next to you. Not even in a sexual way, even though we're in bed. We're just in like a chilling way, right? Like if you're a guy, and I'm a guy, and then we're just kind of hanging out, looking at each other, and having a conversation. And maybe not. Maybe the TV's on, and maybe we're just looking at the TV, but we're still having a conversation. And this is what we're talking about. And you're not doing the talking and I am. Or if you're a girl, it's not sexual at all either. We're just kind of chilling doing the same thing. Only you don't have the guy parts.

You got the lady parts, but it doesn't even matter. So we're back. It's Monday night. We're going to have this out. By the way, everybody asks me, when's the next podcast? When's the next podcast? Eh, Monday night. Monday night. Monday night. We're going to have this out. By the way, everybody asks me, when's the next podcast? When's the next podcast? Eh, Monday night.

Monday night. Monday night. Because it's been that way for four weeks, and it's going to continue to be that way. Okay? So it'll be there sometimes later, sometimes earlier, but you'll have it for your Tuesday. That's the idea, is that you're going to have it for your Tuesday. Your commute to work, or your commute to wherever the fuck you do, you're going to have it for your Tuesday, your commute to work or your commute to wherever the fuck you do. You're going to have it on Tuesday. If you wake up, if you don't, you died. Um, so, uh, so yeah, so a big, a big week for me. Um, I shot my special, I shot my special for Netflix

and I'm allowed to announce it. I wasn't allowed to announce it until I signed the paperwork, did it. That's how those things work, usually. But it's going to come out in either May or June. I shot it in Vancouver. I did it with the Canadians. The Canadians were awesome. And I love Canada, man.

I straight up fucking love Canada. I just, the audiences are awesome. From Toronto to fucking Vancouver, man. Winnipeg, been to Calgary, been to fucking Edmonton. You know, I don't go too north because I don't want to all of a sudden, you know, I don't go too north because I don't want to all of a sudden, you know, freeze, be like the last scene in fucking The Shining where it's just Jack Nicholson's head sticking out of the fucking snow. But it's me with a microphone. uh snow and it but it's me with a microphone uh and by the way if you're mad at me for ruining the shining you're a fucking asshole and just watch it already um but yeah uh i love canada

canada is so cool man you get there first of all everybody's got beards it's unbelievable dude everybody's got upside down head longer hair than on their face than they do on their head. I fit in because I have a beard. Some of the women have beards. No, the women don't have beards. But yeah, it's cool, man. They got like 7 million coffee shops, which I love. They have coffee shops across from coffee shops.

I was in a coffee shop and I went to order a coffee and they were like, would you like to try our coffee shop? And they led me into a different coffee shop downstairs. That was a separate business. That's very stupid, but that didn't obviously happen. So save your tweets for that. But I love it, man. It went well.

The second show went really well. The first show was okay, but I had some mic issues. The mic cut in and out, which is like that's never happened in my career. And of course, it happened the first taping of my special. And I couldn't fucking believe it, man. It cut out like five times during the whole show, and they had to bring me a new mic. In the middle of the show, dude. In the middle of the show dude in the middle of the show a stage hand comes out with one of those fucking britney spears mics on you know how he has that's how they talk to each other with the

they're on their face which is like the dorkiest thing ever i know it's very convenient but if you have a microphone near your face that you're not holding, yo, that's like, like, how would you get pussy like that? In all sincerity, even if the only person you can have sex with is another person with that microphone on because then you identify with them and they're like, yeah, we both got these mics on anyway. Want to fuck? But you could never, ever, ever meet somebody with that microphone on and then have them sleep with you. But they came out and they did it. I rolled with it. I don't know. never ever ever meet somebody with that microphone on and then have them sleep with you but but they came out and they did it i you know i rolled with it i don't know i might use some of it in the special because it was kind of funny but i have like this whole arc that i'm trying to do

i'm telling this story man so i'll probably use most of the second show that's how it works that's how we do it that's why we shoot two. Everybody shoots two. Every single fucking comedian shoots two, except for Sinbad. That's what I heard. I heard Sinbad does one show when he tapes a special and does two and a half hours and then cuts one hour out of it. Dude, first of all, I think Sinbad is honestly one of the funniest fucking guys ever. That dude kills me, man. To do two hours on stage is unbelievable.

Two hours? It's stand-up, not war. Dude, that's how long wars last. That's unbelievable, dude. We've been at war in the Middle East for two and a half hours. That's so long. If I did two and a half hours, the crowd would check out after an hour. They'd be like, okay, all right. We are going to go home. We have to pay our babysitters.

I feel like when Sinbad's on rock and it's sweating so hard using the towel, murdering it, people, I feel like he murders it so hard that after two and a half hours people get out and they're like that was a rip-off he only did 15 minutes that's how funny i think he is um so yeah so uh i shot it in canada went well awesome uh drank so much coffee and water i didn't eat sugar in canada i was lean as shit on stage, dude. I was like Hugh Jackman when he shot that scene in the last, the 47th Wolverine movie where he fights that fucking one guy and he's got his shirt off and literally you can see all the veins in his veins.

He's got veins in his teeth. I heard an interview with fucking Hugh Jack Hugh Jackman, and he was like, yeah, you know, I didn't eat any sugar, I ate a lot of, I ate a lot of vegetables, and I didn't eat, um, I didn't eat, you know, I ate a little bit of carbs, not the good carbs, huh, not the good carbs, good carbs, huh? Not the good carbs, huh? We're talking about maybe a little bit of brown rice, but no sugar for 75 years, huh? Haven't had sugar since I was one, just to train for this, yeah? And then five days before, five days before I shot that scene, I didn't drink any water because I didn't want to have water weight. So it was just me, skin and bones, veins in my teeth, and fighting an Asian guy.

Yeah. It was unbelievable. He looked amazing. Realised the look in the mirror after that, and I was like, I'll never look like this again. And I ate seven cakes to make up for lost time. Huh? Need to make up for lost time?

I ate seven cakes and some cement, huh? He'd eat some cement and ate some wood, huh? Went out in the forest and just ate a log cabin, huh? I ate a log cabin and ate what it said on, which was cement. And seven cakes. And I ate three people. Um, so, uh, yeah, I was not that lean. I was basically looked like a regular guy.

But, uh, a little bit leaner than Crystalia usually looks. Had to fucking do it, dude. Had to do it to him, you know? I'm not going to get out there and look like some fucking... You got to take care of yourself. You're going to be on camera, bro. So I did that, and it was awesome. I can't wait for it to come out.

Man on fire. I know there's a movie called Man on fire but my fucking specialist called man on fire um and uh so anyway look for that put it in your fucking queue it's not in on the queue yet on netflix but uh so yeah uh i I I love here's something I want to tell you guys I love because I know I talk about shit and about how shit is wrong and about how I can

I say don't do this don't do that I want to tell you some fucking guy who deserves an award for for being just great. The old fucking man, and I'm talking about not six, I'm talking about like 70, 75, 80, that just fucking laughs all the time and is so happy

and like open doors for motherfuckers and shit. Dude, to live in this world, see, I'm making it negative anyway, to live in this world, and to get to that point, and to just be happy, and call people like son, you know, when they're not your son, is like unbelievable.

This old man held the door open for me in fucking Canada, and it was sweet as shit. And he was the only person, by the way, that didn't have a beard. And he opened the only person, by the way, that didn't have a beard. And he opened the door for me and I said, thanks, man. And he laughed. He fucking laughed.

He was 85 years old and he laughed because I said, thanks. It was cute as shit, man. He was all little, bundled up. It was freezing. But, you know, Canadian. He looked like a guy that was like hiding out, right? Like he was like he was in the witness protection program, but just wound up in

Vancouver, Canada and laughed. I said, thanks. He goes, and I got a coffee. It was awesome, man. I want to be that guy. I'm afraid I'm not going to be that guy. I'm afraid I'm going to be fucking, you know, God bless, Larry David's hilarious. Well, you kind of got to be like that if you're going to be funny, right? You got to be bitter. Not that he's 85. He's not 85. So that's who I love. You get the award for the Chris D'Elia.

That's who I love. That's what I love. God bless Canada. Maybe it's Canada that makes you fucking that happy. Maybe what I love. God bless Canada. Maybe it's Canada that makes you fucking that happy. Maybe we've got to move to Canada. I don't know. I eat sushi in Canada. I don't know if there's good sushi in Canada or what.

It was okay. It wasn't bad. I sat down and I was like, hey, can I have a menu? And they gave me a menu that had fucking four things on it at a sushi place. Four things. And I was like, oh, what's up with this menu? And he was like, oh, do you want the dinner menu? And I was like, what's on the dinner menu?

And he said, ah, like everything. And I was like, yeah, give me the dinner menu then. And he gave me the dinner menu. It had 7,000 things on it. This motherfucker, if I didn't ask for the dinner menu, I would have had to get like some fucking quail eggs and that's it. Now it's not sushi, but you know what I mean? Um, and, and, and, and they were like doing me a favor about like, well, you can have the dinner, even though it's not dinner yet, you can have the

dinner menu that there's something that I don't understand. And I won't ever understand. I will never understand it. And, and, and if I had a restaurant, now maybe this is that I don't understand and I won't ever understand. I will never understand it. And, and, and if I had a restaurant, now maybe this is why I don't have a restaurant, but if I have a restaurant, Hey, you can have any meal you want. I have at my restaurant at any goddamn time. Do you know what I'm saying? When you get there at like 11 o'clock and they're like, Ooh, we just stopped serving breakfast. Oh, really? Yeah. Well, let me ask you a question.

Where'd you fucking put the goddamn eggs then? Where'd you put them? Oh, away. Away where? On Pluto? Away where? In the fucking fridge? Hey, I got an idea.

Take them out. Oh, I got an idea. Open the fridge. Open the fridge. Use your fucking human arm. Grab those eggs. Take them out. The fuck are you talking about? Oh, we just stopped serving breakfast. You can't have sliced tomatoes. Eat my dick. What? What are you? Oh, it's 1101. Oh, it's 1101.

We're sorry. You can't have the steel cut oatmeal. Oh, you got water, right? You got heat. You you got water, right? You got heat? You got the oatmeal, right? Or did you ship it to Pluto? Put the fucking oatmeal in the water. Heat it up.

Gim. Dude, it like, get over your fucking self. What is it, a money thing? What are you saving, $7? I'm never going to a place again if I walk in and I get a menu and they're like, oopsie, you better order. How about when you get there and they're like, you better order in five minutes because they're closing the lunch menu.

Oh, fuck, okay. It's like the fucking what the fuck oh god what are you gonna get what are you gonna get what are you getting what are you getting i get the ahi tuna salad i'll get it or do we get it in quick enough excuse me sir come over here i'll have the ahi tuna salad please can you please bring it rush run it to the kitchen man we've got one minute left i don't want to i don't want him to pack up the, I don't need them shipping the fucking tuna to Pluto, please. That's just so ridiculous, dude. I'll never understand that. If I have a restaurant, if I ever have a restaurant, and not restaurant, even though that's what I said, if I ever have a restaurant, dude, it's going to be called,

I'm forgetting lots of words in these sentences, but it's going to be called anytime. And you go in, you can get anything I have in the goddamn kitchen at any goddamn time. Unless we're out of it. If we're out of it, then okay. But also, won't be out of it because we're a restaurant.

So annoying. I don't like to be felt bad too when I'm a patron. When I walk in and I'm like, and they're like, ooh, can you? Okay, well, you know what? Okay, we can do it for you. Oh, well, I'll just get McDonald's. McDonald's does it too.

I'm sorry, I can't have the pancakes. By the way, McDonald's closes breakfast at like 3.30 a.m. Who the fuck? Who are they serving? Only Marines? Who are they serving? Fucking bats? You get there at like 9 a.m.

They're like, oh, sorry, dinner. Sorry, we're serving dinner. Ridiculous, dude. a.m they're like oh sorry dinner sorry we're serving dinner ridiculous dude um yeah so uh that's not in i'm not into it in canada they have these fucking they're ahead they were ahead of the game on the chip thing i think or whatever it is here they'll do like uh i don't think they don't do this in america maybe they do maybe i've done it once or twice but in canada they'll be like you're all done and you'll be like yeah i'll be like okay and you'll give them your credit card and they'll be like hold on to that we'll be right back and then they come back they give you the fucking it's like a little handheld uh device and they give it to you you slide slide your credit card in. And then you tip on the thing.

And then the thing prints out. And then you rip it off and you sign it. I don't want to do that work. Okay? Canada, I don't want to do that work. I'll give you the credit card. You take it back. You do all the shit you got to do.

Bring me back the paper. I'll sign it and give me back the credit card. That's why I don't go to these fucking, I don't go to the uh what's that benihana place is that that place that where they cook in front of you and they're and some of the places benihana is that way some of the places go a step further and they give you the fucking meat and you gotta fry it i'll just stay home if i gotta cook If I got to cook, what? I got a question for you. What? That's like, oh, yeah, you want to buy a TV or do you just want to act out the shows by yourself at your house? Hey, come to the movies.

Come to a fucking, I'm going to mention them again because I mentioned them almost in every episode. Come to the movie. Instead of Tom Hanks, no, we'll do Hugh Jackman because we're on Hugh Jackman. We're going to come to the Hugh Jackman movie. You get to the movie theater. You be Hugh Jackman.

That's what fucking these Korean barbecue places or whatever the fuck are making you do. Come to the Hugh Jackman movie. You be Hugh Jackman. Here you go. Take your shirt off. Buckle these pants. Here are some claws.

Stop drinking water. Go. And go. Hey, I'm Wolverine. Where the Asian guys are going to fight. That's not my job. It's Hugh Jackman's job. I'm going to come to your fucking restaurant. You make me cook? What the fuck I need you for? Then guess what? Breakfast

is served anytime. Anybody want eggs even though it's 6 p.m.? I'm breaking rules, dude. I'm drinking coffee. I'm drinking this caveman nitro cold brew coffee that my buddy Tate Fletcher invented or whatever. And it's so good. And I'm not being paid for this. He just gave me a bunch. And he gives me a bunch whenever I need it, want it. Zero calories, zero fat, zero sodium, zero carbohydrates, zero sugar, zero protein. I don't even know what the fuck.

I'm literally drinking nothing, but it tastes so good. It might be the best coffee I've ever had. Caveman Nitro cold brew coffee. So thanks, Tate. Somebody fucking tweet him and let him know I said that shit. Yeah. So I write down little notes to talk about, but I'm not really using them. I saw a thing up in Canada when I was in there, and it said, whoopsie, I moved the microphone. It said, it's funny when you get to these, like, it's so funny when you're a comedian and you get to these cities and you see other comedians being promoted and the way they're being promoted. It's always like a little embarrassing seeing your poster up because you're like, ah, they used that picture and it's so corny or whatever. And then to think of like Patton Oswalt having to see my poster like that is like he's probably playing bigger

than you than i am but you know what i mean like it's just so like it's like oh man fucking gary goldman has to see me like that or whatever the fuck it's so funny dude and it i don't like it but it's it's part of the game dude you got to be like that and then but so sometimes you see other flyers for other people that aren't even comedians. Like I saw one. I saw one. By the way, I saw one. I was walking down the street.

There were a bunch of different flyers and shit on it. And there was one of like for Brody Jenner. And it was like Brody Jenner is going to be at the wherever it was you know whatever club it was but dude okay i understand that there's instagram sensations and shit and like um and like girls that like are popular joe rogan talked about it on his last special about how there's girls that are popular on social media for just having an ass, which is like what they do, you know, and that's fine. And you got nine million followers or whatever. But then they become like these like they go out and they get paid to like go to clubs and say, I'm going to be at fucking live. Come on out.

Maybe I'll fuck you. That's the that's the vibe, right? Maybe i'll fuck you that's the that's the vibe right maybe i'll fuck you that's what that those girls are maybe i'll come on out to the club maybe i'll fuck you and then you get there and you don't but um um and so i saw one with brody Jenner, which blew my mind. I didn't know there were guy versions of that. Like, I get it if you're the girl that's like, come see me. Come see my tits, kind of, in the cleavage. And then some dudes are like, oh, dude, she's going to be there?

Dude, we got to go see her tits. Even though that's not what they're saying out loud. They're like, in their head, they're like, we got to go see her tits. Even though that's not what they're saying out loud. They're like in their head. They're like, man, boss, your tits. But like, what is like that? Like your job is this is your job. If you do that poser, that's the job title. I don't understand. But Brody Jenner did it.

Like, I guess girls might go. But like, what guy's going to go if Brody Jenner is there? I mean, it's cool. By the way, dude, the dude is maybe the most handsome guy in the world. But, like, I just was like, oh, my God. What if that was what you do? You show up to clubs and people come to look at you i and don't before you even start that's what they do to you no they don't i fucking do jokes okay nobody's fucking going up to a fucking john legend concert to see him. They're going to fucking experience him. I'm going to call

my shows the Crystalia Experience. Dude. Like it's a magic show. That blew my mind, man. You dude? Don't do that. Oh, you're dude? Good job.

Oh, I can't believe I forgot to talk about the fucking the Oscars dude I didn't watch I don't watch award shows it makes me uncomfortable a little bit now I'm not saying if I ever got nominated for some bullshit I wouldn't go but it just makes me uncomfortable when I'm not involved and there's so many people there just

you know congratulating each other. It's fine. I get it. There's great actors and actresses and fucking Denzel. I didn't see the movie Fences, but you know that dude killed it. I gave you your bones when he did that shit.

You know? I gave you a heart or whatever the fuck he's saying punching his chest Denzel fucking punches so many chests in movies it's unreal

he did it to Viola Davis and they were like yo you can't do that she's a woman and he was like it's not me it's the character he fucking punches

so many chests it's unbelievable chest punch count that's like the fucking john wick body count for denzel movies what's his chest punch count if denzel's in a movie and he doesn't punch someone's chest it's not a real movie it's not up for an award academy is like we you know it's great yeah we love denzel but he didn't punch anybody's chest um so yeah uh oscars uh uh did it they they were doing that i don't watch it also like the grammys are just the grant when the grammys happened i was like okay i can't i can't watch any of them

even though the oscars are way tamer though um. But the fucking Warren Beatty thing, man, that people are talking about when he fucked up. No, I take that back. He did not fuck up. He did not fuck up. It's driving me nuts. Everyone's saying, Warren Beatty, you know, fuck this all up. He didn't do anything. He just fucking stood there.

First of all, this is the person's fault it is whoever handed him the envelope is that's whose fault it is that's it that's the fault of the whole thing whoever that guy is absolutely got fired no doubt that guy had to get fired or girl secondly whose fault it is is faye dunaway because she's the fucking person that said la la land then wave way down the line it's warren beatty's fault he stood there and he was confused because it didn't say fucking it said emma stone la la land and for people that are like well it didn't say uh you know, the best picture said best actress. It still fucking said La La Land, right?

He's an actor. That's what he does. He's not a fucking comedian. Dude, if a comedian was up there, if Jimmy Kiffin was up there, he'd probably been like, oh, I got the wrong envelope. Because he does this shit.

He stands in front of crowds all day long and he doesn't sweat under pressure. Warren Beatty is an actor. He's not in front of fucking live crowds all the time. He's in front of a camera. People hand him lines, literally, and he says the fucking lines that he's handed. That's what he fucking did that night. By the way, he didn't even do it.

Faye Dunaway did it, right? That's her name, right? Faye Dunaway was like, La La Land. And then La La Land came up. It wasn't fucking Warren Beatty's house house well it wasn't it wasn't Warren Beatty's house you know but it wasn't his

dude do I have a brain tumor bro one time my uncle fucking ate a brownie and he spit it right out and he said why do these brownies taste like fish dude we fucking lost it. We were like, oh, we were laughing so hard. We were like, what the fuck are you talking about?

We all had a mouthful of brownies. We were all eating them. They tasted so good and like brownies. And he said, why does this taste like fish? He literally spit it into his cup and said, why does this taste like fish? Do you know what a brownie would have to fucking taste? What the fuck would you put in a brownie to taste like fish? What would you put in a brownie to taste like fish what would you put in a brownie fish fucking pills one time i was working out and i i was taking fish oil pills

and a fish oil pill exploded in my pocket the gym cleared out dude i smelled like a fucking barracuda it was awful i smelled like a fucking sockeye it was awful chicks were looking at me like oh are you a fish by the way that's not a fart that's the fucking couch yeah man um but my but yeah so now we tease my uncle like every other weekend we'll be like yeah how's that brain tumor from that fucking fish brownie? Every time we ever eat a brownie, we tell you, does this taste like fish? What was I saying about the fish? About the, what did I say about the, oh. Oh yeah, so it's not Warren Beatty's fault.

It's not his fault. It's like that scene in Good Will Hunting. It's not your fault. I know. It's not your fault. I know it's not my, I know. It's not your fault. I know. It's not your fault. I know. I know. It's not your fault.

I know. It's not my fault. And then he starts crying. That scene is awesome. I really want to see that Great Wall movie where the fucking Matt Damon fights the lizard guys. I'm down. Let me tell you something, dude. and Matt Damon fights the lizard guys.

I'm down. Let me tell you something, dude. I'm 100% down for any movie where a movie star has to fucking fight lizards, lizard people with a bow and arrow. In, is it China? Is that what it's called, the Great Wall? Or no? I don't even know.

Maybe it's just, maybe I'm being racist. There's other Great Walls, dude. Just because it's a Great Wall doesn't have to mean it's in China. It's in China? Yeah. Okay. My producer, Chris, is telling me it's in China. So if you think it's racist, then it's him.

So the director's Chinese? The director's Chinese. So there you go. It's the Zhang Yimou guy. It's the who? Zhang Yimou. Zhang Y you go. It's the who? Zhang Yimou? That's his name? Oh, he directed the Beijing Olympics?

And they give him this fucking movie where he fights lizards? That's hilarious. When were the Beijing Olympics? Okay, well, that's not as funny. But still, it'd be funny if somebody was like yeah hey uh yeah we're gonna have a movie with matt damon he fights a bunch of lizards who should we get you want to get like guy richie or something um let's just get the guy who directed the olympics dude oh god i don't know i think we should probably get peter berg no no no no no no

we're gonna get the guy who did the olymp no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. We're going to get the guy who did the Olympics. Did you see how he fucking covered the torch carry? I don't know, man. Those Oscars, though. People just fucking love to write the jokes. They sit on Twitter and love to write the jokes. I've done that a few times, but I couldn't do it today or the other day.

Couldn't do it. The Bill Paxson thing was crazy, man. I woke up and I just saw my buddy post a picture of his of bill paxton it was like oh yeah he was awesome in aliens and i was like oh i i didn't know um i didn't know i was like oh that's that's odd he's supposed about bill paxton and then i fucking saw all everybody posting about him that's just crazy i saw him like a month ago at the grocery store and he looked good he looked fucking

you know good he was all lively and shit people being nice to him and he was like being he was like being a like such a nice celebrity and shit i i told him that like, I was like, oh, yeah, I love your work. You're great. And he was like, oh, thanks a lot. And then, yeah, and then that was it. He was just nice as shit, man. He was so fucking funny, man. He was so good in everything. He was so good. That was a fucking, that was wild, man.

I just can't, I just, and it was in heart surgery, right? It was while he was in heart surgery something like that that's so fucked up man kind of shit fucks me up you know think about his family or whatever that whatever i don't mean to be i don't mean to be a downer but um you know i was just thinking about like all of the movies that he was in like even in true lies he was so fucking funny in true lies you know like everyone thinks about alien or um terminator god he's been in so many fucking movies you look up these guys on imdb and you don't even realize i've been in like 237 movies they have like so many credits

um but yeah sorry that's what the fucking the oscars just made me think of that talking about that but uh yeah i want to remind everybody but anyway rest in peace rest in peace, Bill Paxton, man. That was, we lost a good one, man. Too soon. I want to remind everybody that you can hashtag the podcast, though, and ask me questions because I'm going to be doing that a little bit more, the good ones. And there was one that brought something to my attention today or uh this past week

this tweet from i can't fucking make it bigger these fucking iphones it's a fucking iphone when you when you go to save a picture and it and it goes to, it blurs out the rest of the shit. The smarts, fuck it. No, I want to, or when you want to move an app, and it's like, it keeps getting into soft focus. All right, here's the guy's name, Sean, but then his fucking Twitter name is Dengboy10. Change it. Dengboy10.

That's cool. Change it. change it dang boy 10 that's cool change it uh and he said can you make can you make fun of chief keith's bio in the upcoming congratulations pod now that's gonna be up to me bro you don't fucking ask for requests you know maybe next time be like have you seen this you know i mean fuck am i a jukebox bro what am i am I, a jukebox? Ding Boy 10? Change it. No, I'm kidding with you. Chief Keef, his bio, and then I read it just now.

Whoa, I'm actually, yeah, and I'm glad that this guy brought it to my attention because I just reread it. First of all, his email to, this is the best. Let me do that later. No bet let me do that later no let me do that now his email for booking is booking shows features and ggp beats at gmail.com that's the fucking longest book imagine typing that in imagine being like i want to book this guy oh fuck all right and typing and then going back and looking okay shows features and okay and then typing the rest and then gg the two g's gg and then a p or just beats go back p beats at gmail eat my asshole dude come on whose fucking booker

is that that's the worst agent ever. Imagine saying that. Yo, you want to book me? Book me at bookingshowsfeaturesandggpbeats at gmail.com. People will be like, huh? Anyway, or whatever the fuck you say. Is he a mumble rapper? I think he's a mumble rapper. Dude, whatever.

I don't think he's technically a mumble rapper, but I don't know. I don't know. And maybe that's racist, but all these new rappers are mumble rappers to me. But this is his bio. I got to go by, first of all. Okay, man. I mean, when I see shit like like this i literally have to sit down i don't even know what the funniest way is to say this but i'm just gonna read it okay

i can't why do rappers have to have i know this is right so this is what the fucking bio says i gotta go by sosa auto or auto or low, or, or, or twice, I don't know, or, or so, or to, or almighty. Booking shows features and ggpbbeats at gmail.com. Book any one of those guys. pbbeats at gmail.com book any one of those guys i gotta go by sosa auto or auto or low or or so or to or almighty dude there's a typo in his bio or or so he wrote or, he went or overboard. Dude, and then his fucking Twitter handle is Chief Keith. And then when you look at it, on top of that, you know how like you can put your name as something on Twitter and not just your Twitter handle?

It's Glory Boy, dude. You don't get to have all the names. I got to go by, dude, hey hey what's that guy's name again oh well i mean chief keef but i call him sosa auto and then you but you can call him auto or low or so or toe or all you know if you're getting really crazy almighty and it'd be like oh i just used to call him glory boy oh no that's okay too but anyway if you want to book him go to booking shows features at ggp beats at gmail.com. Oh really? Oh really?

I can do all that. Oh, go fuck yourself, dude. And then his website is glow gang worldwide.com. Hi, bye dude. So much to remember.

So much to remember. Dude, so much to remember. So much to remember. Dude, reading his bio is like being in an escape room. There's so much to remember, dude. Yo, I go by Sosa Otto or Otto or Lo or Orso or To, or glory boy, or chief Keith. Anyway, you can book me at Booking Shows Features and ggpbbeats at gmail.com, or hit me up on my website, glowgangworldwide.com. What? Dude.

Imagine whenever I hear something like this, whenever I see something like this, I think of my dad reading it. Literally, my dad would die if he read this. He's 68. He would die. He would be like, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. His brain would break. He would eat a brownie. It would taste like fish and he would die. Oh my god, dude.

Unbelievable. He's not a mumble rapper, but dude, mumble rappers, dude. No. This is my hit. Mimina. Mimina, pimina. Mimina, mimina, pimina.

Mimina, pimina, pimina. Mimina, mimina, pimina. Mimina, mimina, pimina. Mimina, mimina, pimina. Mimina, mimina, pimina. Mimina, mimina, pimina. Huh? Huh? No. Thank you very much. I go by Sosa Otto. What is that even? Sosa Otto.

No. I'm looking up. That's it, dude. I'm looking up Chief Keef. I got to look up Chief Keef's fucking... I will never know how to spell Chief, by the way. Not that a rapper would spell it the right way. Glory Boy came up.

Here we go. Oh, man. Oh, wow. First one I looked at. Jessica Alba, I'm ready to stop being a thought huh by the way i feel like chief keith i read something about him that he like he's a real tough motherfucker so i hope he doesn't come after me he sings that song that's that shit i don't like

even that way. Even that is saying. You're saying too many words in the sentence. That's the shit I don't like. You can just say I don't like and then the thing. Like whatever it is. Fucking. Cheeseburgers.

That's the thing I don't like. He's just like I don't like cheeseburgers. Disrespect, that's the thing I don't like. Oh, this is the best. This is the best Glory Boy, Chief Keat, aka Sosa Otto or Otto or Lolo or Coco or Loso or Sosa Lolo. This is the best fucking tweet. You got games on your phone?

Question mark. What? There's a link. Hold on. Let me look at the link. You got games on your phone? I hope at least he got paid for this. Oh, my God.

It's literally just a selfie. The link. How fucking funny is this shit? You got games on your phone and then fucking selfie uh yeah as a matter of fact i do what's up though with that his 2012 album is called finally rich finally rich he can't be that old. Oh, man. Let's see.

Keef. Chief Keef. Age. What if I looked up Sosa Otto's age? 21 years old. And the fucking album came out in 2012. I think I was 12 years old. Finally rich.

Mom, can you change my pants? Finally rich. Imagine being, let's see, 21, 5, that was 5, 2012 was fucking 5 years ago. Imagine being 16 and saying finally about anything. Imagine being 16 and saying finally about anything. Even if it was like raining the whole time and then it was sunny, you couldn't be like, finally. People in Seattle will be like, motherfucker, it's only been 16 years of rain. Finally rich. That's the shit I don't like.

Waiting for money for 16 years. That's the shit I don't like. Oh my God, dude. I'm the shit I don't like. Oh my God, dude. I'm fucking dying. Sosa Otto. Sosa Otto? What's going on, dude? Takes people a long time to get rich.

Warren Buffett. Probably took him a long time. Finally rich, dude. 16 years. Finally rich at 9 years old. Finally rich. Can I use that can i can still trying to eat the money literally no no honey put that down that's his mom finally i got money to eat can't change my diaper my i want khaki that's that shit i don't like mom the cartoons went off. That's the shit I don't like.

Finally rich at fucking eight years old. Hey, Mommy, they got their boys in the schoolyard. They're really messing with me. That's the shit I don't like. Mac, I have my baba. That's the shit I do like. Oh, bro. I mean, come on.

This is what this podcast is. Oh, my God. Chief Keef. There, there, so-so, Otto. There, there, low. Work on your website, gloryholegang..com or whatever the fuck it is oh my god dude oh my god let's look at more tweets from chief keef the people that respond to i love how people will just respond husband you got games on your phone

husband oh shit you got games on your phone husband oh dude are are you fucking insane oh man all of his this is what rappers do a lot of rappers do this all of their tweets are just links to their fucking Instagram man fuck rest up bankroll that's a tweet

rest up bankroll well after you're finally rich dude you'd figure your fucking money needs a rest, oh fuck, I'm fucking, I was laughing hard, mumble rappers got it dude, that's so crazy,

it's also hacky to talk about this, but I just can't, I don't understand it, they just fucking, are they actually saying things, I don can't. I don't understand it. They just fucking... Are they actually saying things? I don't know. I don't know if they're actually saying sentences. Pena, pena, pena, pena.

I get it that the Pena looks like the fucking BMW car. And that's what he's saying. Pena, pena, pena, pena. Ora! This song fucking... It goes hard, though. I mean, it goes hard though. I mean, you got to say it does go hard. Does he say salad bar in it?

I feel like he does say salad bar in it. I don't know. Salad bar. I think he goes salad bar. I don't know. But another comedian, Joe Mandy, he fucking put up this thing on twitter or instagram. It's so funny He did like this breakdown of what he's actually saying and he just shows the images of what the fuck and I think he put A salad bar in there. I don't know but it's so funny, but you should look at it up look it up

um Fuck man God damn i'm old. That's what that means. I'm old I am old Because i'm looking at the 19 year old 20 year old artists and i'm like what that's what that means my dad told me once when i was a kid i said dad you don't like this music and he was like no not really i like like you know frank sinatra and shit and also the beatles and whatever and i was like but this is cool why don't you get it and he was like it's gonna happen to you too don't you get it? And he was like, it's going to happen to you too.

He said, you're going to have kids one day and they're going to be listening to stuff. And I'll never forget the fucking thing he said. They're going to be listening to music and it's going to be like this. And I was like, no, music will never be like that. And he said, probably. And it is. It is. That's a song.

That's a song. That's a song by like fucking DJ Mouse Mouse or some shit, you know? But yeah, dude. It's crazy, man, how it happens. What the fuck is the... I don't have kids now, but when I do have kids, what are their kids going to be listening to? Just like some, just probably just like ocean sounds. It's got to revert back to like, or like some classical shit, dude. I can't imagine what the fuck, if we get to,

what the fuck's the music going to be like in 80 years? I mean, I think about that shit for real. Dude, 20 years ago for the people that are, are, are shit for real. Dude, 20 years ago, for the people that are my age on this podcast, 36 years old, 20 years ago, imagine if a fucking designer song came out now, then. What the fuck? This is a crazy person. I don't know. Another person asked me, I don't remember who it was, but I saw it on the, you can hashtag congratulations pod and I will look through them and I will pick some to answer. Another person asked me what my first joke was that I told on stage. And it was at the Ha Ha Cafe in Los Angeles, California.

Legit show, legit joke that I actually did. legit show legit joke uh that i actually did was um about the show 24 and jack bauer and i was like how i loved it because i loved watching the show and i would talk about how like jack bauer was always in a rush no matter what the fuck it was he was always in that tone, and like, you, like, is he like that in everyday life, and I would be like, I need a haircut, I need it now, that, like, that was the joke, that he would walk into a haircut and fucking kick the door down, I mean, that's so stupid now that I think about it, but that was my first, like, joke I think I did on a show show, not open mic, open mic, I don't even remember. But, um, yeah, man, I would open with that for fucking like, that's so weird, dude.

So funny to think about that shit. Oh my God. Yeah. So that was my first joke. That's it. That's all I got for you guys. Um, we're rounding out about 50 minutes. It's all I got for you guys. Um, we're rounding out about 50 minutes.

It's like our average. It might get longer as I get a little bit better, but thanks for listening. And, um, also rate and review the show, please on iTunes. That would be helpful.

Try to stay, uh, relevant, uh, and to get these, these numbers up. Um, because if i'm gonna be doing this shit every monday it's got to grow otherwise motherfucker um yeah so i would appreciate it if you rated it and tweeted about it and told your friends honestly and made instagrams about it and uh and that's uh that's that You can hashtag congratulations pod.

I will answer. Check out my special on Netflix called Incorrigible. I have another one coming out in either May or June on Netflix. So anticipate that. And oh, I got my dates. ChrisDelia.com. They're my tour dates. I'm going to Milwaukee.

I'm going to Madison. I'm going to Milwaukee. I'm going to Madison. I'm going to, I'm going everywhere. I'm going to Australia. I'm going to, uh, West Palm beach. I'm going to Tempe. I'm going to Baltimore. I'm, I'm going, I've never played Baltimore before. Uh, Long Island. I got a bunch of dates coming up. So go Atlantic City Virginia Beach some in North Carolina anyway check it out check it out so that's it and um

my name is Chris D'Elia you have been listening to Congratulations Congratulations Congratulations Congratulations.