Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 50. Sincy

Episode Date: January 8, 2018

It's the 50th episode, wow! On today's show, Chris talks about Logan Paul and Logan Paul's dad. Also discussed: how nothing changes when it's a new year, the current state of comedy, emotional intelligence, WWJD bracelets, meeting 2pac in heaven, the racist H&M ad, Swedish people. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I'm fucking 37, babies. I'm going to be 38 this year. That's weird to me. And my back hurts. And every time I wake up, it looks like I didn't sleep. And that's just how it's going to be from now on. I'm old, baby. I'm old.

And I got grays in my beard. And the great thing about social media is everyone keeps reminding you. Can't do anything nowadays without everybody seeing you. I'm getting old. And as a guy, it's cool to get old. You know, you become that George Clooney, Jack Palance. Nobody knows who he is now at this point because everybody's 12. But you become that cool old guy.

Clint Eastwood, Charles Bronson. You know, and it's cool. I think, by the way, to be straight up with you guys, I think I'm gonna be one of those guys. I think I'm going to look better as I get older. I think I'm lucky. I got a long body. So the weight will even out over the fucking shit.

You know what I mean? I'm a tall drink of water. It'll fucking even out. So I think it's going to be okay. I don't think i'll lose too much hair now granted every time i wash my hair i do this there's hair there's hair in my hands looks like i got in a fight a pro wrestling fight um and so but yeah i don't know but i but i do every time i've if i sleep for a long time, the more I, the longer I sleep, the more it looks like I haven't slept.

Like, because I'm so puffy and shit. And people are like, you look tired. And it's like, because I'm still sleeping. So, yeah. Episode 50, right? I'm 50. Remember that fucking, fuck, that shit was so funny uh shannon what's her name molly shannon i should definitely know her name because i did a movie that's coming out

with her in february called uh half magic uh but she that fucking might be the funniest woman i've ever seen i mean her shit is hilarious what she would do marry look up mary katherine gallagher and then look up, I don't know what she did, I'm 50, I don't know what that character was called, but she would kick and she'd be like, and I kick for no reason. Dude, she's so funny. Fucking shit, she's so funny.

Sally O'Malley. So stupid, the name, you know? She might be the funniest woman ever. But, so anyway um let's see it's the first week how by the way i i was going to i've been going to the gym and i kept expecting people to fucking start the gym has been dead i don't know what the new year's resolution was do you go to a gym they they they're they're it's dead nobody's everyone gave up that's not the new year's resolution anymore um how about that everyone was like hey thank god 2017's over turn a fresh new page hey guys sorry i have a lot of mucus i don't know what the fuck's going on

it's gross um it's good the microphone and fucking amplify that. But yeah, we turned the page. And then Logan Paul was like, hey, no, let me film a dead guy and put it on YouTube. And people were like, oh, it's still 2017. Like fucking, you know, this resolution shit and like the way like the clock's going to strike midnight and everything's going to go away. It's not going to go away. We're fucked. And we're on a uh we're headed downward and it's and we're careening bro you ever you ever use that word you ever use that word careening because that's what we're doing dude we're fucking careening, bro. You know, you want to live in a fucking happy place. Stop careening,

dude. You know what you are? You're the fucking end of that movie. Uh, life with, uh, with, with uh um jake gyllenhaal and fucking ryan reynolds and and and and where jake gyllenhaal fucking branches off and the girl a girl in the movie who's the girl and i actually don't know who she is she's like some chick i love how like they'll be like yeah uh they'll be like yeah we'll get two big movie stars and then well we got we got just some chick. It doesn't matter. And it's some chick that was in like a British movie or a series on the BBC. But at the ending scene in life, when he's like, I'm going to go out into,

we got two pods, I'm going to shoot mine into outer space and we're going to shoot you down to earth. And this is the 2017. We think we're in the fucking, the girl's pod. Careening back down to earth. Going to be safe. And Jake Gyllenhaal's got the alien. And we think that we're, I don't know if this analogy works.

But he's careening into the fucking outer space and he's going to die. He's got the alien with him. And he's going out and he's out, he's out, he's out. And we're like, goodbye fucking 2017. That's what we think 2017 is. That's what we think, yeah. And we're like, goodbye 2017. You got Jake Gyllenhaal in that fucking pod with the alien and he's taking it.

And he's taking it and he's fucking – he's fucking reaning out into the fucking outer space dude and and we're like fuck yeah and we think we're in the pod in 2018 and we're the chick and we're like yeah we're going back down earth we're going back down to earth and then sure enough when the pod lands and it opens up guess who's in earth man guess who's on earth j Jake Gyllenhaal with the fucking alien, dude. We thought the whole time that he was fucking reening out into outer space, saving the world. But now the alien, the killer fucking alien that's made up of equal muscle and equal brain is on Earth. And there will be no sequel because nobody saw that fucking movie. However, that's movie. However.

That's what we are. We thought we were on the fucking ship. On the safe ship. With the chick. We don't have the chick with us. We got Jake Gyllenhaal. Strong alien. With great brain power.

That clock struck midnight. Ba-da-bing. We got the fucking alien with us and logan paul showed us that's the alien logan paul was in the fucking thing logan paul was in the thing we're like we gotta take fucking logan paul with us we gotta take him and we were the hero fuck yeah we took you know all the shit going on in the government, everything, all the fucking fires in L.A. We're out. We're going to fucking 2018. So take it with you, motherfuckers. And then we fucking crashed down to earth and bam.

The Taiwanese motherfuckers open up the thing. And Logan Paul's like, comes out. What's up, YouTube? We thought we took him, bro. Now, Shroon in the End. It's a cool movie. You should see it anyway. But Rune the End.

Don't care. It's okay to ruin the end of movies if they've been out for two years, I think. I don't give a fuck. Also, who cares? I don't care. If someone ruins the end of a movie, I don't give a fuck. Also, who cares? I don't care if someone ruins the end of a movie. I don't care. I'll still see the movie or not see the movie. There's still a whole movie that you can see.

You don't watch a movie for the ending. I don't like when people say that. Oh, don't ruin the end. You watch a movie to watch the whole movie. If you watch a movie because of the fucking end, you're a jackass. You're a jackass. If you thought the best part of M. Night Shyamalan movies were the end end you're a jackass you're a jackass if you thought

the best part of m night shamalan movies were the end you're a fucking jackass you're a jackass the whole movie was good or not good because m night shamalan either makes fantastic movies or movies that are just by the way those are my favorite filmmakers the ones that fucking make the best movies and then also just fucking they were like well i tried something and it didn't work that's my that's my those are my favorites um so props to m night shamalan but uh yeah so everyone thought it was going to be 2018 but it's still 2017 or whatever the fuck when logan paul started the year off by uh filming a japanese a dead uh hey by filming a corpse and uploading it on youtube for literally seven year olds And like I don't know if I've ever said publicly something's not funny because it's subjective and I don't like that.

I don't like when people are like, that's not funny. Like you can say – like say you don't like a comedian. You can say you don't think it's funny but you can funny, but you can't say they're not good, right? Like, if they draw crowds. I always think that. Like, if you think, take any comedian, fucking whoever, Louis C.K., and you're like, yeah, he's not good. It's like, the fuck out of here. He's definitely good at what he does.

You don't get to say that. He's not your cup of tea. Okay, cool. But I would watch the, i mean i wouldn't watch i would catch because he's so big some of the logan paul stuff and it's just and i was like this is fucking shitty you know what i mean it's just like it's just like it's for dumb people you know like uh like legitimately it's for dumb people or people who are seven which you're dumb when you're seven because you didn't develop yet and you grow up and hopefully you think that kind

of humor is fucking idiotic or you just remain dumb as shit i mean if you're fucking 30 and you think logan paul's funny you're a fucking idiot straight up see ya See ya. And so the reason why I'm talking about it now is because he fucking was a piece of shit. And I've actually thought about this so much that he's he filmed. He went into a forest, filmed a fucking guy who recently hung himself and then uploaded it, edited edited it fucking put sound effects put squeaky toy noises over his swear words by the way well i can't believe we saw dead guy well i can't believe we came out boy a guy and we saw dead guy you're saying fucking and also it doesn't matter blurring uh it doesn't matter fucking squeaky toying the fucking swear word when you're showing a dead guy to a seven-year-old say yeah cut your hair take off the hat um but i i mean i would watch the shit about jake paul the brother and i was like oh this guy what

the fuck is he doing he's just being annoying he's like tom they're like tom green without being funny and uh and i was like this guy's just annoying people and then not four-year-olds are like fuck yeah yeah i do poopy i love him i love him and i do poopy. I love him. I love him and I do poopy. Ma, can I have another cookie? Yay. What's my poopy? But also, hey, I like to watch Logan Paul. That's his fan base. And I never thought I'd like it., then this Logan Paul kid did some shit, did that. And I was like, oh, wow.

Okay. And this was, this was like everyone who thought he was annoying now is like has ammo and is like, oh, well, he's a piece of shit. And I was like, I was fascinated by it because it's it's you know it's it's his fault but also it's it's everyone who fucking subscribes to his channel's fault and and watches it and thinks it's good it's their fault too um but it's it's not their fault as much as it is his fault uh and i and i love i put some shit on Instagram that was just like, this is fucking like how stupid it was like that, that he did this shit.

And like a lot of his fans were like, he apologized, get over it. I fucking can't stand. Here's the thing, man. We get to feel bad about that for quite some time. Before we get to a stop feeling bad about it and stop making fun of it.

You don't get to dictate how long I get to feel upset about somebody filming a dead body and putting it on YouTube and be like, Oh, we apologize. Oh, cool. I'm fine. Cool. What's he going to do next? Then people are like, I'm crying. I'm crying because he didn't have a blog out. You know why you're crying? Because you're a baby. You're a literal fucking five-year-old. That's why you're crying. Because you're not 30.

Because nobody 30 thinks he's funny. And did you see the other Japanese shit that he did in Japan, besides the fact that he went into that forest, and saw the shit, saw the dead guy, and then put it on YouTube, I mean, Jesus Christ, dude, if he did that, if my fucking family member hung himself, and then he put that shit on YouTube, you know what I'm doing, showing up at at his fucking family's house and doing high kicks. That's it. That's how I'm fighting this whole family, with high kicks. Until I'm exhausted.

Dude, and I mean, these kids, they're not kids they're adults they're not funny dude they're also there there's no uh talent there's no talent it's a guy who sees uh who's who's who's preying off reactions you know um uh it's it's it's taking the wrong thing from your successor like tom green went out there and was funny and was the was the object of the joke a lot everyone was looking at at Tom Green thinking like, what is this weirdo doing? He's a fucking weird guy. What is he, crazy? But Logan Paul and these kids go out and fucking fuck with people. And are racist.

And are pieces and are – pace is shit. And it's taken the wrong thing. And we don't – and people don't know any better. Well, those people don't know any better because they're five. Well, those people don't know you better because they're five. And it's giving – the internet has given people with no talent a platform. And the dumb fucking morons follow this shit because they don't know any better because we're all fucking following everything. Literally, we're followers.

That's why Instagram is so big because we are following people on Instagram. And that's what we were doing in real life except the internet has fucking exposed all of that shit. And so now these fucking idiots literally put on Pokemon outfits because it's something to see. It's something to see. It's a visual thing. And you're a fucking cuda if you're doing this shit. You're following it because you see a bright object and you're like, oh, okay, subscribe. Eat cuda. Eat cuda.

I mean, he takes his pants down in the middle of fucking the street. That's not funny. It's just something. That's not talent. thing that's not talent i mean this this fucking vine app and and the fucking i mean vine literally ruined comedy on the internet the internet ruined ruined ruin a bunch of comedy i mean not all of it you still get good shit you get you know's like, but it's like, God damn. And I know I was big on Vine and shit, but I stopped doing it because all these fucking idiots were like, don't make a fucking video where something goes like this.

You fucking moron. Who are you trying to appeal to to a fucking six-year-old that's fine if you're trying to appeal to a six-year-old if you're a four-year-old okay if you're trying to appeal to a six-year-old and you're 20, get captured. Turn around. Why is your nose facing my nose?

Have it face the same way my nose is facing. Take two steps in front of me. Let me shimmy behind you. And fuck you. Not because I want to. But because I know you don't want me to. It's what you deserve. It's so backwards, dude.

So now. it's so backwards dude so now i got out of the gym and the tmz guy came up to me on a skateboard of course i mean jesus christ hey if you're gonna tmz somebody don't be on a goddamn skateboard he's like sup dude like it's so fucking what do you think of logan paul chris and i was like I didn't even do a joke I was like bro he's fucking terrible He's terrible He's like oh really What else And I was like he's just not funny And now everyone knows it Fuck man

I've been fascinated with this fucking thing for since it happened a week or whatever and then he apologized which is like he's apologizing because and now he's got more subscribers you fucking idiots who follow him

you 17 million idiots you 17 million idiots and guess what there's more than 17 million idiots out there it's just like god God. So I thought about it. I've been thinking about it all the time. Because it's so sad for the fucking person's family. It makes me angry because here's the thing that makes me angry. I'm a comedian.

That's my fucking profession. I work a comedian. That's my fucking profession. I work so hard on coming up with what I think is funny, working it on stage every single night, touring, you know. And I did it for no money for years. Zero money. And then I started making for no money for years, zero money. And then I started making a little money. And it's something I'm very proud of, being a comedian. I always wanted to be a comedian, and it's something I'm really proud of.

I love that I do it. And you know what? It's fucking hard. It's hard. It's hard. It's really hard to do. And the fact that that's comedy and also people will call like people like that a comedian is just like and they just willy-nilly and don't work hard. I mean, you know, look, they travel and they go to fucking places and they come up with vlogs and they edit it and that's work.

Sure. But it's not, it's not hard what they're doing. It's not hard. And it doesn't have to be hard to be good. Something doesn't have to be hard to be good. But like, you're just like, I don't know. I went in to look up like the kid, the guy. I'm a stuttering kid.

He's fucking 22. And I looked up like, what does this kid come from? Guy come from. And I found his dad on Instagram. And that shit talking about the end of a movie, that was like, I was like, oh. Now I get it. His dad says, nunchucks. Oh.

So now I get it. I saw a video of his dad with nunchucks and he said man i used to be good with numchucks let me see if i still got it and then did it and it was like yeah and then said numchucks again it wasn't a mistake oh that's how you end up getting adult as a child. Jesus fucking Christ, man. I watched a lot of his dad's videos and his dad's older than me. And like, he's just doing what fucking his son does. He's like, what's up guys? Yada, yada. Like what?

Hey man, what the fuck is happening? like what hey man what the fuck is happening what on god's fucking green and brown earth is fucking happening i'm looking at a video right now of his dad in a fucking bunny outfit hey man you got five decades behind you you fifth what you doing writing notes on paper and showing it to fucking instagram happy fourth fuck it happy fourth 350 000 thank you new vlog link in bio you fifth dude are you mary o'malley or whatever the fuck mally o'malley what the fuck was it sally o'malley hey dude are you sally o'malley because you're 50 what are you doing having a vlog dude you gotta watch this nunchuck video this guy did logan paul's dad first of all it's bitch it's insecure it's cincy dude are you from fucking cincinnati and guess what they live in

ohio he's cincy dude so bitch how he's flipping the fucking thing oh hurt himself hurt himself hit his back hurt himself so bitch since he dude his face is he's just like fucking since he and he's like oh oh oh dude who does not nunchucks has there ever been a fucking guy who did nunchucks that didn't look sensy? Unless, you know, you're fucking it your whole life. But don't be fucking... Oh, God. Here's the thing.

What do we do today? That's the thing. That's the thing that fucked up comedy on the internet. What do we do today, guys? What are we going to do today? I don't know. Let's get some peanut butter. Rub it all over our fucking up comedy on the internet. What do we do today, guys? What are we going to do today? I don't know. Let's get some peanut butter. Rub it all over our fucking face and cock.

Cool. Want to film it? Great. You're not a writer's room, you know? You're a fucking 17-year-old in your mom's house. What are we doing today, guys? Dude, I watched this fucking guy. I watched this guy, the watched this guy the dad in in the thing

and I went way down because I wanted to see way down on his Instagram and he was like just working on some vines oh my god dude working on some vines and he had a fucking wig on you you

you dude fucking wig on. You thief! You thief, dude! You got bags under your eyes! Oh, God. God. Vine fucking ruined it, man. And then they're giving all these vine guys opportunities it's so funny too because like the kids are like just following them blindly and then vine and then and then like the corporations will be like oh well they're

popular we got to give them a fucking shot and then they'll do like a commercial with like you know kleenex and it'll be some fucking and like you know some vine guy will be like doing the commercial and it'll be fucking piss poor because all the other guys in because now this is real life hey you entered real life now like this is what happened like now real life now. Like this is what happened. Like now real life knows about Logan Paul after the hanging incident. Now real life knows about you. And real life thinks that that shit is fucked. And you don't. And now you're like, oh, so these corporations will give these guys money to do these videos on Instagram or whatever the fuck. And you're playing yourself, dude.

You're Jeru the Damager because you're playing yourself. Put on Jeru the Damager's funky-ass kung fu outfit because you're playing yourself. And it doesn't work. And now you're seeing the shit. And you're like, oh, what's that fucking stupid ad? And it's like, because they're these fucking 50 year old dudes who have a corporation are like, let's just go with what the vine guy says. And now again, to the real, and it doesn't work. But it's not getting better. We're Kareen and Baby,

and we think 2018 is going to be better, and the positive people think 2019 is going to be better, and the positive people think 2020 is going to be better. But guess what? There's not even going to be a 2021. Because we're in that fucking spaceship at the end of life, the movie, and we've got the alien Logan Paul in that fucking pod. We're fucked. But we're fucked. But

we're not going to stop, you know. The good thing is that the fucking guys are still out there that are talented doing shit. But the talented people are never going to be the people who are on top. I mean, very rarely, right? Know your lane, stay in it.

And I don't know i don't even know if that's good advice staying in your fucking lane but enough on that square cash everybody all the babies and everybody i know has switched to cash the cash app it's the number one finance app in the app store uh maybe because it's the best way to pay people back. Do you ever think that, uh, friends, you can pay people back, friends, family, coworkers, enemies, Logan, Paul sending and receiving money is totally free and fast. And most payments can be deposited directly into your bank account in seconds. All right. Square cash is better. I like it better than, than the other guys, because the other apps, other apps because it doesn't list your stuff in a feed. People don't see if you're paying somebody back for supplies or whatever, art supplies.

I don't want people knowing I'm an artist. I'm a downtime, getting paint and stuff. There's a new cash card. It's a black debit card that you can design yourself via the app. The cash card allows you to use the cash that you keep in the app anywhere you want. You'll get notifications for all payment made with the card directly via the cash app,

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Cool. Back still hurts. Got to get a different chair. This chair is just like, what's this chair for? This is like the fucking, the hurt yourself chair um so like i was thinking about uh to this this uh thing in the in the world um i think that there's i haven't't really thought this out very well, so fucking take a journey with me, you guys. Are you a baby? Are you a true baby? Take a journey through. Take a journey through.

Take a journey with me. I don't know how to say that. Get on board. Get on this fucking little boat. We're going to start paddling, okay? Okay. I was telling something to a friend, and they didn't really feel what I was saying.

And what I was telling them was a story. I'm not going to tell the story because it doesn't matter, but it was like an emotional kind of sentimental story. That's the word, right? And they were like, here's the thing. Let me just tell this story because not this one but another one. My buddy was telling me once that he worked at an Italian restaurant, and he, in the beginning of working at the Italian restaurant, needed a pen.

And one of the busboys gave him a pen to use for his shit. And he kept that pen and used that pen the whole time while he was working there. And on his last day of the job, he went up to that other, the bus boy and said, uh, Hey, or no, you know what? It was actually a different fucking pen. He gave him a pen when he first did the thing. He didn't keep the pen. And then later on when he was, when he, when he left the job, he said, Hey man, when you were, um, when, when when you when i was first here i needed a pen and you gave me a pen and i know it's nothing but um you helped me out

in a small way and i just wanted to give you this pen because i was uh i was i'm leaving and just like i don't know like you're staying here and i fucking wanted to give you this pen because you gave me a pen and you helped me whatever it was a cute thing and it's sentimental I guess and I don't know if somebody did that to me I would be like oh that's sweet I would be like that's that's very uh that's thoughtful and you know it's silly but it's it's sweet And my buddy who had that story happen to him was telling his other buddy that story. And the other guy was like, what the fuck are you talking about? It's just a pen. And he was like, I don't get it. You know?

And he didn't get it. He was like, that's stupid. He just gave you a pen. And he didn't feel that sentiment. And I think that like there are – that's a like distinct difference between two types of people. then i think your emotional intelligence is i i think emotional intelligence is in a lot of ways more beneficial than uh like what is it eq they talk about have you ever heard about this eq with an iq like in in in my world eq is more important because i do stand up and i have a bunch of friends and shit like that that do that. I don't have any fucking scientist friends.

I'm sure if you work in a laboratory, you need your fucking high IQ. And maybe they don't have a high EQ, but you need to have that to be, I think, in my life. And I have plenty of friends that aren't like that that don't get sentimental shit like that and think it's stupid but i feel like i can't be very close to those kinds of people and it's not like a conscious thing i'm doing but i just feel like it's a shame that i can't connect with them in that way um and uh i don't know i was just thinking about that and thinking about how and i was wondering who like other people were who who who like that is like people like i like what is donald trump like that like i want to know if like people are like that like

is the rock like that is i think a rock is like that because of the Instagram videos he posts are really sweet and sentimental. But then there are people who do shit like that because they think other people do shit like that and they're psychopaths. And like I'm listening to this podcast called Dirty John. podcast called dirty john and it's about a fucking textbook psychopath that like romances women and like swindles them and tries to take their money and then like blackmails them and shit so it's like fuck i'm i sound so high but it's like sometimes when i'm doing a nice thing for somebody i start thinking like, but am I doing this because I want to do this? Or am I doing this because I think that this is the right thing to do? Now, I guess it doesn't matter. But then there's the other thing where it's like,

I'm doing this because it's what somebody who is a good guy will do. And here's the worst thing to do. I'm doing this because I think it's scoring me points with God. I guess it doesn't matter as long as you're doing good things, but also it does matter. Because if you're doing something nice, because you genuinely want to do it and you want somebody else to be happy, then that's the best. But if you're doing something nice because you're like, I want to get into heaven, even though you're doing something nice, you're a sacred piece of shit.

You're self-serving. You ice cream? You're self-serving your ice cream you're self-serving you know you know what i'm saying you're secret piece of shit you're trying to get into heaven you secret piece of shit let's face facts because i'm not ever secretly trying to get into heaven i know that but i did a thing that a quote-unquote nice guy would do good guy would do uh a week ago uh and i did it because i thought it was the right thing to do. But then I started fucking myself up because I was thinking to myself, thinking about it too much. Because I was like, if you do a nice thing and you brag about it, you know, depending on how you talk about it. Like there's this guy on social media that constantly fucking posts the good shit he does.

And it's like, we get it. You're a role model. But also, you know, what are you doing this for? I think he's a bona fide psychopath. And he's just like, oh, this makes me look good. It's just fucking interesting, man. Because, like, I did a, okay, so I did a benefit for Santa, in Santa Rosa for the fires.

And I was talking to Nikki Glaser cause we both did the, the fucking, uh, the, the benefit and she, she's a comedian. She's hilarious. Go look her up. But, but we were posting this picture. We were both in the picture and we were both going to post on Instagram. And I was like, how do we post this picture without... Like I wanted to bring awareness to the event and say like, yeah, we raised money for the homes.

But the reason why I wanted to do that was not to look like, oh, I'm fucking great because I wanted people to know that I talk a lot of shit and I make fun of a lot of stuff, but I wanted people to know who, look, I'm in a position where point blank, some people look up to me just because of who I am. And I'm, I mean, I'm, I have a lot of followers and shit. So I wanted people to know that it's okay to be like that. If, if for some reason you admire me, I you to know you you should also have that part about you

and not just be this guy who's like fuck this fuck fashion fuck these idiots out there who go to the gym and you know what i mean like i wanted people to know that oh you should have that side of you too for the kids for the fucking kids you know and um but i didn't want to be like look what we did you know so uh so i posted about it in in a way where i wasn't i was trying to not be look what i did but dude there are so many fucking comedians out there even that will be like many fucking comedians out there even that will be like the whole we change lives thing and it's like it's just so fucking annoying dude it's taking the good thing you did and fucking shoving it right up somebody's asshole you trying to get points with God? You piece of shit.

You secret piece of shit. You're trying to get points with God, you secret piece of shit. That's not what Jesus Christ would do. Those fucking what would Jesus do bracelets, dude? Hey, man, let me buy all those and wipe my fucking ass with those. I want to store them there. You know what I want to do with those?

What would Jesus do bracelets? I want to, you know what I want to do? I want to fucking tie. I want to tie a bunch of them together. Tie one end to the back of my hair. Run it down my back. In between my asshole. Take the rest rest take the end of other end tie it around my balls and cock so there's constantly one of those bracelets in between my fucking asshole

and i want to do this so it's wiping it tie the back of my fucking hair with a what would Jesus do bracelet, tie them all together, trail them down the fucking small of my back, tie it around my fucking cock and balls, make sure that the fucking one or two bracelets is in between my fucking swamp ass cheeks, and then I want to do like this. And roll around in my bed. So I'm constantly getting shit on those bracelets. And then I want to rotate them.

Fucking take the one that got shit, put it in, hand it to a roll. Holy roller. Hey, where are this? What would Jesus do? Hey, by the way, you got shit all over your wrist and then fucking rotate them. And then go back to piss pumping. Both of them rolling around in my to piss pumping both of them. Rolling around in my bed.

Getting the rest of them all shitty. And then hand it out to a roller. How much would they be like, even if they found that out, holy motherfuckers would be like, you know what? Yeah, there was shit on it. But it doesn't matter because it was for Jesus anyway. And good. And in secret life life you just got shit all over your wrist that's really all that happened and when you die you're not going to have

you know why you're not going to have because you probably bad purse and also more likely prob doesn't exist i hope there's a heaven, man. Yeah, that'd be awesome. But here's why I don't think, here's why I think maybe there's not a heaven. Because heaven's supposed to be fucking perfect, right? You go to the afterlife and you're supposed to fucking live your shit and have the best time ever. And all the rules are fucking beautiful and you get whatever you want. Because you were a good guy in the fucking trial life.

Okay? But say i fall say i fall in love with a girl say i love her so fucking much and then say she breaks my heart and then say she gets married again and then she falls in love with her fucking new guy and say the rest of my life i fucking think about her every day and i wish she was with me and i'm a good purse and i fucking do everything i do for other people not to get points with god but because i want to be a good person anyway i'm religious and say she is too and she falls in love with another man and loves the shit out of that guy and she's a good purse and she doesn't want to fucking do things to get points with God

she wants to do things because she's a good person and then say I die and I go to heaven what do I want? I want to be with her and then say she dies and she goes to heaven and what does she want? she wants to be with that guy still

so min hell because I wants to be with that guy still so min hell cause I can't be with her so how the fuck is there a heaven if everybody's heaven is different then what then fucking what

I'm in heaven she's not there or she is there or a version of her is there but then it's not the real her. Then we're getting into some fucking black mirror shit. I want the real her. I'm just saying it's something to think about, dude. I'm sure there's some fucking buttoned up motherfucker that can tell me what the hell is going on. However, I don't know, man.

What if my fucking dog... Do dogs go to heaven, dude? And if they do, what if my dog hates me? What if my dog's like, dude, I can't wait to get out of this fucking house. I hate this fucking guy. All he does is hold me and shit. Dog gets to heaven, goes to doggy heaven? Or does he have fucking...

Do I still get to own him? Come on, man. Dogs don't want to be owned you know how i know i left the door open once my dog took a fucking vacation man until somebody picked him up and called me yeah dude uh so i don't know i i i trailed here, there was something I wanted to talk about, but I don't remember, I don't remember, I always, I mean, Mormons wear fucking underwear, you know, they wear fucking holy underwear, I would love for them to die and go to heaven.

No, no, I don't want them to die, but I would love for them, when they die, go to heaven and be like, hey, we did everything. And then God was like, why'd you wear that stupid fucking underwear? That'd be hilarious. Oh, we thought that's what you wanted. Oh, it doesn't matter. We still made us good people. God rolls his eyes.

That's my God. God rolls his fucking eyes. That's my God. God rolls his fucking eyes. That's what I want. If there is one and I get there, I want my God to be like, how about these fucking pieces of shit on earth? And I'll laugh and we'll both laugh and shit. Oh, man, you know.

We don't think enough what heaven would be like, I think. We're just like, oh, yeah, it'll be great. It'll be great. We don't think about what the fuck the logistics of it would be. You know, Tupac's my favorite. Is he there? Tupac probably wouldn't even fucking like me.

He'd be like, get this motherfucker out of my sight. Yeah. Then I'd be like, but Jesus, I love Tupac. And then Jesus would be like but jesus i love tupac and then jesus would be like he doesn't look he thinks you're not funny he thinks you're lanky and he said that you he doesn't like your beard and i'd be like what what the fuck does that have to do with anything? It's not who I am. And he was like, he just doesn't get along.

He doesn't like you. He said he doesn't like your type of person. He doesn't like your type of people. I'm like, well, he's racist? No, it's not a racist thing. He said he doesn't like guys who, he thinks you laugh at your jokes too much. I'm like, well, fucking this is hell. And he's like, is it really though you got all the fucking turkey

you want and you can get blow jobs whenever you want I'm like I guess yeah I mean but it's just weird though it's not really heaven you know it's just kind of like another kind of I kind of got as many blow jobs as I wanted in my life and I could just go to the store to eat turkey and he'd be like yeah well what did you fucking want I mean there's too many people out there you can still listen to Tupac's music I'm like yeah I guess I'd be like this is just like earth you what the fuck and then Jesus would be well, it's fucking hard up here beyond these clouds. I'm trying to make everybody happy. You know, and I didn't, you know, I didn't think Tupac wasn't going to like it. I wasn't sure.

And now I got to know Tupac doesn't like me because he's dead. And I'm dead too, and we're in, that's worse, I always imagined Tupac and I might get along, and Jesus is like, you know, fucking, look, Napoleon was a good guy, yeah, he tried to conquer the world, but like in his heart of hearts, even though that means nothing, he was a good guy, even though people say heart of hearts, even though that means nothing, he was a good guy. Even though people say heart of hearts and that means nothing, Napoleon was a good guy. He helped a lot of people.

And he's here. And he's trying to take over a lot of heaven. And I don't know how to fix it. I got him some women. And he has sex with a lot of women. And it's actually pretty shitty because I feel like I'm sexist. But at least he's not conquering the parts of heaven that I love. Because he's getting sucked off a lot.

And honestly, he gets along with Tupac and I gotta be like fucking Napoleon gets along with Tupac he's a fucking asshole man alright whatever I guess at least can I have sex with Emily read a chatowski and he's like

listen that's, she happens to think you look like a bird. And I'm like, motherfucker, dude. That's, that's heaven. That's heaven. You can't have your fucking, you can't, unless you're going to have your own heaven. I can, okay. Oh, I can't have sex with, you can't, unless you're going to have your own heaven. I can, okay. Oh, I can't have sex with Emily Ratatachowski. I did it because she doesn't want to have sex with me in heaven.

Just like in fucking earth, probably. Fuck. And then he's like, listen, there's some other bad news i got i'm like what he was like logan paul and jake paul just got into a car accident and they're here and i'm like you're kidding me what the fuck and he's like, you've been dead for quite some time. And yeah, he filmed a hanging corpse and that was bad. And I thought he was going to actually go to hell. But since then, he's only done good and repented.

And I'm like, oh, no. And he's like, so he's here. And then faintly in the background, I hear, what's up, YouTube? What's up, HeavenTube? And I'm like, there's heaven tube and then he's like and then he's like oh for fucks and then he's like well he that's what he wanted and i'm like but i don't want that heaven's just like earth or it's not or it's not and you it's not, and you just die, and you sleep forever.

No, fuck. I'm fucking myself up. Now, dude, I used to stay up at night as a kid and just think of, well, if you just die, then what happens? Everything just stops. And I'd get panic attacks and run into my parents room and be like mom dad what happens when you die and they'd be like Chris it's 12 30 we've been sleeping for six hours go to bed because parents go to bed all fucking early and shit oh man and I go to bed and try to fucking, and I remember one time I was going to bed, and I had bunk beds because I'm white, and my dad's like, what are you even scared of?

And I literally said, everything, birds. That was like what came to mind. Killers, birds, I said. Oh,

fucking, I would, what a lunatic kid I was, man. Okay. Here we go. We got a new elder, man. Instant elder status for Olivia Mendizabal. Mendizabal.

Mendizabal? A.K.A. At City underscore live. She runs the congratulations quotes Twitter. We love this account man it's at quote congrats it's really funny give it a follow well i shouldn't say it's really funny because it's literally just stuff i said so it's a cock but um it makes me laugh because i don't even remember the shit i say and then i see it and then i'm like i said that shit and i think what a

fucking idiot i am you know like i fucking i I fucking am, like, I watch it, looking at it, because I think, like, wow, what a fucking piece of shit I said that. That's so stupid. I mean, some of it, I'm like, oh, yeah, that's funny. But some of it, I'm like, wow, that's not funny. What a fucking idiot I am. Which makes me laugh even more. We'll DM you with the details. Thanks, Olivia Mendizabal.

Mendizabal? I don't know when fucking John Travolta tried to speak that singer's name. Idina Amitsanina. What the fuck did he say? Oh, fuck. His face. What's her name? Idina Menzel or something?

Adele Nazim? When he said it, his face was Cincy. Dude, when he said it, he was from fucking Cincinnati, man. Cincinnati, dude. That's ass insecure what'd he say adelgazeme so far from it he might have said he might as well have said up chuck shit for breakfast please welcome up chuck shit for breakfast at least everyone would have been like oh shit damn wow he fucking he went out with a he went out dude i mean that's awesome you know wow up chuck shit for breakfast you know john travolta when he said that in his face and he tried to keep his face smiling alright

let's look at some Twitter questions let's look at some how about how fucking H&M did the fucking i i can't believe it's a sweet is it a swedish-based company somewhere like that you know and with only white people and they came out with that fucking hoodie that says coolest monkey in the jungle and they had a black kid model it on their catalog. Dude. What?

By the way, the kid, this is maybe weird. That kid is the most handsome kid I've ever seen in my life, dude. I mean, the kid is like six or something. And he's fucking like smoking the camera, dude. It looks like he's thinking, what's up, bitch? But how about Swedish people? And then they give an apology. I was like,

we regret doing it. We're sorry. So Swedish to just be like that. Sorry, how are we doing? We didn't mean to. We put a kid in there. We just thought that kid was cute. We had no idea about the racial tension and all that.

Anyway, we're going to make some other hoodies and it will be fine. There are no guns here. Nobody kills each other. So we don't really know what it's like over there, but we're sorry. Anyway, we're going to eat some food and make some more hoodies and call it a day. So we're sorry if we hurt anybody. Going to go have sex with the most beautiful women and it's a beautiful snowy town and we never had a war here. So we'll catch you later. Sorry for hurting a family or two. Bye.

Bye. And then fucking Boogie Nights. We just came to party. Drinking champagne. What are you celebrating? Being Swedish. Yeah. I mean. yeah i mean how do you expect them to fucking know you know uh

i mean how much would they be like what he looked like how much would they be like, what? He looked like a... How much would they be like, well, he looks like that. Oh, fuck. You guys don't know what's going on anyway. America's in bullshit trouble, anyway, turn the music louder, I love this one. Hey, did you want to suck me off?

Yeah. Only if you eat me out afterwards. It can be reciprocal. Fucking and sucking. I love being in Sweden. What was I dealing with again an hour ago? I forget. It doesn't matter.

I'm about to bust my load. Oh, here it comes. Time to eat your pussy. Play the song again. We're still celebrating. Celebrating what? Being Swedish. Let's play Xbox One.

We're being Swedish. I can't help what black people look like. Like just so don't give a fuck, you know? I can't help what black people look like. Like just so don't give a fuck, you know. I can't help what black people look like. Who wants to make me come this time? I'm eating turkey and fucking getting sucked. It's so beautiful outside, snowing. We probably all have bad breath. How Swedish is it to probably have bad breath no I actually fucking disagree with that I bet fucking Swedish people smell I know probably

their armpits some of them smell bad because they're like fuck deodorant this is great our life is amazing fuck this deodorant but how much and but i bet they're for i bet some swedish people smell so goddamn good it's like fucking candy and you need to have your face in their face male or female not in a gay way but you want to be like yo bro let me breathe your breath you know i guarantee there's some swedish i guarantee the best smelling motherfucker's breath is Swedish and you're like yo bro let me smell your fucking breath get your fucking face close to mine

breathe in me motherfucker say something so I can fucking smell your breath and he's like I can't help what black people look like and you smell it and you're like oh fuck yeah you're racist and you don't know it but you're kind of not racist because you're just saying shit it's but you're kind of not racist because you're just saying shit.

It's weird. You guys are perfect. You got the best lives. This is heaven. Yeah, I think you're right. Sweden is better than heaven. Everyone seems to be getting along. I think Tupac would like me here.

to be getting along. I think Tupac would like me here. You ain't half bad in Sweden. Fuck it and fuck it, you know. We don't need to do questions. Or Instagram posts of the week.

Oh, actually I want to do this one. Austin Trudeau. Trudeau. At Trudeau underscore train. Weird. Don't call yourself train. Don't do that. Hey, all aboard the Austin train.

Thoughts on regular ass people that apologize for not posting on social media for a while. Dude, I've actually talked about this before somewhere. Probably on Instagram. But dude, get the fuck over yourself, bro. Hey, sorry I haven't been active on social media. You don't have to apologize for not doing something. That's like saying, sorry I didn't go to the fucking supermarket today.

I don't give a fuck. Oh, dude, my condolences my condolences you didn't fucking post some bullshit post picture of scenery or a fucking salad on instagram or a goddamn selfie i don't give a fuck you don't have fans you person person. You work at Chase Bank. I'm done, fellas. We did over an hour and I'm sweating like a motherfucker. Everybody sweat and like a son again. Remember that song, dude?

I heard that the other day. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. You can watch me watch me man watch me do this shit fuck vlogs watch this shit fuck vlogs dude you know why fuck vlogs dude because they cut and they're i i don't want to watch a guy who's like in mid-sentence and you cut his sentence together what the fuck did he really say that's what i always wonder vlogs were like hey guys it's a great day today cut went to the market what the fuck did he say in the middle of it hey guys it's a great day today killed a homeless guy then went to the market like what

are you cutting out you motherfucker with a with hair? Dude, fuck anyone who made a vlog's hair, period. Get a different haircut and stop cutting out what the fuck you're saying. This shit is straight up front to back, no editing. You know why, dude? Because I'm not... You know why? Because I'm raw. You know why? Because I'm raw. Much sees what you get.

And granted, when I become... When if I become a big star, there's going to be so much shit of what I said on this that's going to bite me in the ass. It's going to take me under. But I don't give a fuck. So when you play these clips that take me under when i'm doing fucking big big fucking studio movies when they're like we should cut him out of the

whole movie because of what he said about fucking whatever dogs you know what dude play this clip too i don't give a fuck i don't give a fuck i don't care you know why dude because no matter what you do or what you say you don't fuck you don't know me because you don't fucking know me motherfuckers no matter what the fuck i'm saying this is a comedy podcast and i'm trying and i'm trying to explain how the fuck i am but you don't know you don't know who i am you don't know who i am because you don't hang out with me you don't I am, but you don't know. You don't know who I am. You don't know who I am because you don't hang out with me. You don't spend time with me. And you don't do pillow talk.

You don't do pillow talk to me. I haven't fucked you and then laid with you for a little bit. I haven't made love to you. We haven't gone out and fucking gone to Best Buy and picked up something I needed and come back. We haven't sat and talked about some shit while we watched shitty infomercials on TV. We haven't done that shit. So play this clip too. Fuck, I'm losing my mind,

dude. Alright, I'm out. Download, yo, my app, bro. You gotta get my fucking app. That's the thing too subscribe rate and review the show tweet me by using the handle congrats potter

by using the hashtag video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays upcoming shows Pasadena Tampa Winnipeg

Calgary Saskatchewan and I'm starting a new tour and it's called don't shoot the messenger but now you can watch

my older stuff man on fire incorrigible white male black comic you can watch my older stuff, Man on Fire, Incorrigible, White Male Black Comic. You can watch it on ComedyCenter.com. I just retweeted the link. I believe it's free. And thanks for listening. And please, for the love of motherfucking Nicolas Cage, unfollow Logan Paul on any social media. Bye.

Bye. Paul on any social media. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.