Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 501. Zilch

Episode Date: April 16, 2026

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Let's talk groceries, specifically your groceries. With Instacart, you want your groceries just the way you like them, right? Well, the Instacart app lets you do just that. They have a new preference picker that lets you pick how ripe or unripe you want your bananas. Shoppers can see your preferences up front, helping guide their choices. Instacart, get groceries just how you like. This is the new episode of Congratulations. Episode 501, like to Levi's jeans.

So we are on and popping. And we are now in the second half of the millennium, right? Yeah, I get because the thousand is millennia. Second half of it. Whatever, who cares? But yeah, thanks to legend social casino and sportsbook for sponsoring this episode. But it is episode 501. and I am here.

I was battling a, I was battling a chest thing last week. I was battling a little bit of a chest. I don't know if I'd want to say cold, but I was feeling run down. And, you know, when I would start laughing really hard, I would start coughing. But it's, it's nothing, it's nothing, really.

I was sick. I had a bad headache. You know, tried to cure it with some sopranos and ice cream and pizza. and oh my gosh, dude. Oh my God. Dude, the ice cream and pizza after a long not eating it. Oh, my God.

But yeah, so, and I'm kind of back. I'm back-ish, you know. But my, yesterday I was watching, the family guy made fun of me for my, I guess, stringy hair. And that was funny. That was cool. That made me, I can't stop thinking about that actually because I've been watching that show for so long.

And then the fact that they took a shot at me. in a fun way was was just wild to me. I showed it to Calvin. It was just crazy. But episode 501, go to chrisaliyah.com, get tickets to my tour.

I'll be in Chicago coming up. I'll be in, God, where? Even Miami. I don't even know. I got my thing here. I still got these old dates up. Wow, I did those already.

That's crazy. Oh, yeah. This weekend is Sacramento and San Diego. and then Nashville. I'll be in Nashville and Campbell River. And then I think I have some, oh, yes, some Vancouver dates. I don't know, go to chrissy.com. So that's what's up.

I, you know, I don't know if, I just don't know if, let's just say, I don't want to talk about this again because I already did. And I've done it a bunch of times. And it's always been something different. But, you know, you know how they say, hey, if you keep running into the same problem, look inward, right? Well, but okay, I get that. But how is that possible with room service? It's not like, how am I projecting something to have room service be messed up?

it's not i'm not dating room service i'm not i'm not in a friendship with room service it's them bringing food it's food being delivered so so when i have a few weeks ago a 30-minute story about how uh australia messed up my room service and and it was and i'm going to be honest with you It was a banger episode. I go, dude, 30, 40 minutes. I talk about what I want to on this podcast. So when, but when that happens, I say, all right, you know what? That doesn't seem like any of that would really be my fault, all right?

Because you know, I've had a other, you know, like for instance, remember that one, it actually, I ended up doing it in my special in my, in my special grower die. I had a whole bit about how we couldn't get to, well, it was right before that, actually. actually the, we talked about when I bring the car seat to St. Louis and all that. But right after that, I had a whole thing. Oh, no, I did talk about my podcast a long time ago about how the lady wouldn't let us have a, um, bring our luggage up or something. Anyway, it was a disaster.

There's always something with, this is the thing, okay? The hotels that are, if you're going to go to a comfort in, or if you're going to go to a days in or a Hilton, you know, crack house or whatever the hell are called, you know, okay, fine. You just, you've basically got a place to sleep and some Oreos in the lobby. And that's it. And that's fine. And that's, you know what you're going to get.

It's going to be, you know, $55 a night. And you're going to go. And hopefully you don't catch scabies, right? And, and if you do, you go, ah, ah. Ah. I was at the Hilton Crackhouse. I was at the Hyatt Trapp house. You know what I'm saying?

And then there's, then there's five star hotels that are, you know, four seasons. Whatever, what do you want to call them, you know? I don't usually stay at those because who cares? But if you stay at those, they're like, they're literally like,

uh, stroke off before bedtime, sir? we have gays and straights we have men and women of all sorts you can pick Asian you can pick white you can pick black and you can even pick Indian uh and and and and but there it's just nuts like no matter where you go in your room in uh uh four seasons there's like water spraying your anus you know what I mean like it's just complete comfort, spas, the pool, balcony. It's the mid-tier hotels that can get fucked, all right? You know, because they're doing the bare minimum above scabies.

I think this is just what it is. I mean, I stayed at where the hell was it? Should I even call? I shouldn't, maybe I shouldn't even call it up. I was in St. Louis at the, wherever, yes. It's a new hotel, actually. I don't even want to talk. I do want to.

This is beyond, this is beyond belief. And I'm going to shorten it. It's not going to be a 30-minute story. I'm sorry. Mom, I'm so savvy. But I get to the place. One woman working. one one woman just in the lobby just taking just putting out fires i check in order some room

service and i go oh yeah um i had them ship my toiletry bag from tacoma to st louis and i i good thing it's confirmed i have the confirmation receipt yay i call for i call for room service then I call, they go downstairs and say, no, and I call downstairs, hey, got my bag, they say, what? I say, I got a bag for the thing. They confirmed their way to go, oh, well, let me look. I'll look. I'm talking to the one lady downstairs in the lobby. She's like, I got a huge line, but let me go look.

She goes, look, I can't find it. She says, but I have a huge line. I'll go look later. I wait for an hour. I wait for over an hour. Four, two things. The food and the bag or the call for the back. I get zilch.

Okay? I get zilch over an hour. So I call it down, hey, sup with that back. Yeah, I couldn't find it. I looked again. Oh, really? Where's my call? Also, where's my salmon?

Because right now, I'm pulling up zilch. Oh, you hear that? I'm pulling up Zilch What the fuck? She says, oh, you know what? Okay, I'll fix it. Great.

Hey, fucking, I wait another 30 minutes because how often you wait when someone says, I'll fix it? You go, all right. It went, okay? Because just so you know, it was at Zilch. And now I'm going to wait what? maybe 20, 25 minutes until I go, hey, I still got zealch.

Okay, I 30 minutes go by. Now it's over an hour and a half. I go downstairs. Or as I would have said when I was five, Daddy Un. I don't know why that was the word I picked for, that's what it was, Daddy Un. So I go downstairs. And I wait in line because the lady's putting out fires.

There's one lady. She's too sweet looking. too nice, too fresh-faced for me to yell at. And I go, damn, I need right now a 52-year-old fat guy with glasses so I can unload. Do you understand? But all I'm getting is a fresh-faced, sweet woman that looks like, you know, so, you know, it literally looked like she escaped from Warren Jeff's fucking compound. Like, she just looks sweet, you know?

And I go, I can't yell at this. I say, where's the bag? No bag? Because I know it's here. She says, yeah, I just, it's not where we usually put it. And I go, so I go like this. Okay, Chris. And this is why I need the bag.

It has my glasses in it. It has my contacts in it. I flew to St. Louis with only contacts. I do not have glasses. And what the fuck? I want to go to bed. I want to watch Sopranos. Looks like I'm on episode Zilch.

Okay? So I say, well, let me check. Where was the food? She says, the food's over there. I go over to the kitchen. I say, excuse me. Where's the food? Because I ordered it.

And by the way, ordered it, which is on the website. This is what I hate about the fuck. And I didn't, I don't want to get into it. This is what I hate about the, this. You know what I'm just going to call this fucking. I'm going to change the name of this podcast to room service with Chris DeLea.

To Zilch. To Zilch service. And so, so, so, so I'm like, how that fuck's Zilch come from anyway? That's so stupid. I feel like that's something Martin Short made up or something. Zilch.

In like a movie with fucking Danny Glover. Yeah, that one where he gets stung by bees. I guarantee it's from pure luck. So anyway, um, uh, so anyway, uh,

I, uh, I go to the kitchen and I say, Hey, what the fuck? I put in my credit card and I got charged for the root for the food. Hey, I got zilch.

The lady at the bar says, oh, the chef went home. Okay. Dude, hey, I know I, listen, I don't want. to talk about hotels anymore. I don't want to,

but don't you think that this is justified? I mean, I have all sorts of stuff happen to me all week. I mean, all week. I could talk about how I got sick a little bit. It was interesting, you know, got in an argument with this person. That thing happened. I can even go on and on about how, you know,

the joke about family guy. I just don't you think. I've got to talk. It's my duty. I mean, dude, and I'm sorry. Mom, I'm so savvy. But it's like, so now I say, so on, here, cut back to me.

The chef, what? The chef went home, but I ordered an hour and a half ago. And the lady who looked like she escaped Warren Jeff's compound at the front said it was coming. What? still got Zilch

you've got Zilch dude oh shit man hell yeah dude that took too long but um so now I'm like

okay uh well what why didn't you tell me and can I can I she says we're going to get another chef.

That's what she says to me. We're going to get another chef. Like it's like more toilet paper. What are you going to get another chef? That's a pretty specific. Where? It's 11 p.m. Where?

What do you want? So now I tell her again what I want. Salmon and whatever it was. she's okay so I go great go back upstairs in the elevator and I just

sitting okay still with stale stale contacts in and I just wait okay dude this is all I'm sorry

I didn't want to get all into, I really didn't want to get all into this. God damn it, dude. I mean, you know what? It's, you, you, I'm, because you just, you have to understand. Oh. It's just, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, if you've heard the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, and if, and if, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, I know you've heard. from me before and but it's just it it's it's so necessary you know this is like the new me too movement right or like the stop asian hate stuff mid tier hotels step it up hashtag step it up and then you get you know you pull up oh i was staying at the high No, no, not to hire because that would be dog shit. I was staying at this fucking really good one in Chicago and this happened.

Anyway, so I'm like, all right. I waitin, waiting. Now, wait another 30 minutes. 11.35 p.m. You've got Zilch. Dude, okay? So I go downstairs. Dude, this is now the third time I'm downstairs, including the time I checked in.

All right? So I go downstairs. You've got Zilch. And I say to the front desk lady, hey, ha, ha, I know you don't want to see me again, but what the f, hey, I don't want to come down here again. Hey, excuse me, sweetie doll. Should I just order DoorDash? Please tell me. Blink once for yes.

Is this kitchen reliable? Or should I be DoorDash in it? Right? So she says, oh, no, they're not going to, they're not, they're going to, they're doing the food. So I say, okay, all right, I guess I'll still wait. So then I walk over to the kitchen again, because you know me, dude. I'm Mr. Thurrow. I'm not going to just, I absolutely say, sorry, sorry the chef went home again.

Or, or the first one. How many chefs? Dude, so I, dude, it's two hours in. No, okay, dude, and I don't want to talk. Mom, I'm so savvy, but I, dude, still got Zelch. Everyone's saying at the same time, all right? Like, this is a running man. Dude, so now I'm like, okay, now I walk back over to the front of the hotel, and this dude that looks like Cilo comes up to me.

More handsome, you know, Cilo, more handsome. I feel like Cilow isn't somebody that even walks. He just kind of fucking rolls everywhere. Like that, like the, the blueberry person in Dr. Wanky hat or whatever the fuck it's called, Willie Wonka in the chocolate factory. Dr. Wonky hat. Hey, kids. Dr. Wonky hat is the new music video from Jack Harlow.

You have that fucking hat, dude. Are you kidding me? It looks like a fucking, it looks like Elmer Fudd or Daffy Duck or Donnie, whatever the fuck smashed him within a core and his neck going. And his fucking hat. That's the most dog shit hat I've ever seen in my life. And I've seen a lot of dog shit hats. But we'll get back to, we'll talk about the Jack Harlow hat later.

Bro, I can't even fucking believe the Jack Harlow hat. What is it a fucking one of those kids straws that you can just bend whichever way you want? God, that fucking hat, man. You know what? That hat pisses me off beyond belief. I cannot fucking believe that Jack Harlow, a guy with, and you know what, dude, I kind of wanted to, I kind of wanted to be, I didn't like his music. I never liked his music. And that says more about me than it does about him.

I'm not saying he's not talented, but my God, bro, you know, he looks like a, that hat, he looks like a put out cigarette butt. Dude, that hat is so bad. It is so bad. And to have a hat be that bad and that color. And, and to have the beard, dude, have a way fuller beard. You can't, it looks like you put chia seeds. on your shit and just water it

and then the fucking beard kind of comes through. Chia with a fucking pushed with a fucking burnt out with a kid straw, dude. And he's just with his hands in his pocket. You can't have your fucking hands in your pockets walking around a

oh gosh, dude. And the glasses I just the whole thing is we let people get away with too much and and and and and you know what he's white okay and that's that's I don't care what the you know do whatever you want when you sing a rap

or whatever the fuck and I don't care about culture of ultra stuff I don't care it's dumb when anybody wears that kind of a hat okay like there's always the guy in the cipher that has like that fucking army green, uh, straight build. You know what I'm saying?

Talking about the pyramids. You know, I just, I don't, stop letting people get away with shit. You're letting people get away with the fucking, so I'm waiting so it's two plus hours. I'm waiting for this fucking. And, um, so the C-Lo guy comes up to me. And he says, hi, um, I'm whoever his name is. I say, hi, how are you doing? He said, I'm guest services.

So here's what's happening. I go, oh, God. Like, we're on fucking, like, is this? Like, we're stuck on an airplane. Like, just fucking make a burger. Go get one from Wendy's. Do something. It's been over two hours.

So, dude, Jack Harlow's hat, man. That's just fucking the most punchable shit. New hats from punchables. Um, I'll spend some time thinking about that hat alone. Just, just all fucking bent up in my chair. Think about that hat. So Ciloh comes up to me. He's just like, yeah, I'm guessing.

So here's what happened. We just got a, um, a chef. And I said, no, no, no, no. Excuse me. But you said that already twice. So sup still got zilge. He was like, I know, but that's the chef. that walk he walked by right there you saw him he's just coming in now to to make everybody's room service order

and i'm like everybody's oh yeah i'm not the only person in the world there's other people probably going through this ship because their ticketing system is down still got zilge sop and so i see the guy walked by and he says did the thing though he was just coming home because he he lives in a hotel And I go, hey, dude, this is a fairy tale. Whatever has happened. Dude, don't look me in the eyes and tell me that the chef, dude, where do you get off looking at me directly in the eyes with no smirk telling me that that the chef who works on the kitchen attached to the hotel lives in the hotel, dude.

Where do you get off, sir? Because that made me crazy. Because I made me crazy. Because I made me crazy. Possibly. What was it? Possibly. Possibly.

Fuck you. Dude. And so, so I'm like, okay, so let me get this straight. And I'm not, the guy's nice.

Everybody's nice. Which is, which is fucked. It's nice. Be nice when this kind of stuff happens. But also get shit done. If they were dicks though, bro, if I,

if they're, if any one of them was a 50 year old portly dude with glasses on, holy shit, bro. I would have been hacksawed Jim Duggan on this motherfucker. just carrying them around like the four by four. Sir, pull me down, please.

Oh, yeah, I still got zilch. Just fucking DDTing. Off the top, off the top, off the top ropes. Just fucking, you've got zilch. Oh, no, the zilchinator. Here comes the, you know, I don't know, man. I'm just, it's like, it would just, so, so, remember a fucking hack saw jim?

Oh, no, it's fucking zilch the barber beefcake. Remember Brett the Barber Beefcake, dude? When my dad found out that there was a wrestler called Brett the Barber Beefcake, he, I'm honestly, I sat there and watched him laugh for what had to be, it had to be 15 minutes straight. He was crying. If we were in his office, I'll never forget it. Brutus, the Barber Beefcake?

Okay, is Brutus, not Brett the Barber Beefcake? Brett is the other one, Brett Hart. Brutus the Barber Beefcake, right? Even better. He laughed for 15 months. man it had to i i'm being i'm being i think it was more but dude he was laughing so hard and i was like yeah dad i get it but why do you think that's that's funny and he just and now i get it dude now that i'm 46 broodest dude anyway um so i'm like all right dude

the guy lives in the hotel like this is some fucking sitcom who is it christopher lloyd you know I was out. My bad. Let me go make the salmon. 1.1 ounces of salmon. Dude. 5.6 ounces of salmon. Ah, shit, dude.

At the fucking, at the room service. Sorry for the delay. 6.2 ounces of salmon. Um, okay. Thank you. Hey, guys, I want to talk to you about Legends. Let's take a little bit of a break. Legends with a Z is a free-to-play social casino and sportsbook. Tons of games to play. Things to spin table games with live dealers.

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Legends.com, that's Legends with a Z. Keep it legendary. So, yeah, I know it was a tax. I know I was mixing two references up with tax. sexy the sitcom and then also back to the future but I don't know he was the same he was the actor in both of them so

to say all right so so hold on okay hold on dude hey get Mr. guest services and that's great and everybody's nice um you're telling you're telling me like because I I confirm because at some point you go like when

sometimes things keep you ever have things to keep happening to you that are like, uh, uh, no. Huh? Right? You ever just have one of those days where you're just like, no. Huh? Huh? It's like the fucking, it's like an incredulous horror movie theme song. No. Huh. He's got silt. No. He's got silt. No. Bheef song is fucking the same goddamn thing And dude He His bag is it

And even we haven't even gotten to where his bag might be No I can't even Dude Did you check the back room No Dude I'm sorry But for fucking

Dude Dude it's the fucking horror movie deep song, dude. Every fucking horror movie is... Holy shit, dude. Nothing is original. Everything fucking cock sucks, dude. Jack Harlow looks like somebody put a fucking cigarette out on his head in his fucking video, dude. No. Dude, are you kidding me, man?

Oh shit. shit. Oh, fuck. So I'm just, so you know, you got one of the days ago. Let me just get this straight because I'm pretty much right there in the incredulous from the makers of insidious comes incredulous. And we haven't even gotten to the bag. But it's been three and a half hours. No. I'm hungry. No. I can't, I can't, if I take out my contacts, I won't have my glasses. So I need to Keep him on. I go. Oh.

Wow, dude. So it's like, you know, he comes up and he's just like, yes, he lives in a hotel. I'm just like, dude. All right. So the fucking chef, by the way, the third chef lives in the hotel. Well, he was out for the night and he's going to make some fucking salmon. This guy, this guy is going to. fucking shit in my salmon.

You know he's in, in, in, fucking, they'd say they're gonna fucking, man, I just, I'll have a good time. I fuck this, man. I was trying to get some pussy. You fucking got up with the olive oil on the fucking get them shit and the shit. You know, that way, they come down to me to puree the shit. No. And so I go, all right, uh, okay.

You're telling me the guy lives here. He's going to come down big, okay. Uh, uh, fucking. waiting waiting waiting waiting three and a half hours later. Dude. And not not I want to I want to preface this as in not three hours hours. okay that that's that's ludicrous that three hours is i mean it's nuts okay i want to tell you not three hours okay not three you think you're in a room service you're waiting for room

service right now you want to wait you're not going to wait 30 minutes you're not going to wait the worst infomercial ever you're not going to wait one hour you're not going to wait an hour and change. You won't wait an hour and 30 minutes. You're not going to wait two hours. What should we do? Should we make it through? We're not going to make it.

No, he's not going to wait two and a half hours. He won't. Chuck, can we make it go that? Can we do that? Is that legal? We're going to make it. It's not going to be,

you know what? And here it is, and I might have lost my marbles, but it's not going to be three hours. It's going to be three and a half hours. Did you get your same? I know I lost my mind. It is.

Really? No. So, uh, I'm like, all right, dude. Three and a half hours. And I am like, dude. I haven't even been this far before. You know what I'm saying?

In this situation. I haven't been this far. It always wraps up before three and a half hours. I don't know this level. So I don't even know, you know, I've been in a lot of situations. So many. I can draw on those situations to deal with some of the other situations because I find similarities between two situations.

And a lot of the times I've even done it in front of hundreds and thousands of people because that's my job. But this, this, I've never gotten this far. Who's even going to be at the door? Honestly, if I opened a door and it was a fucking mid-sized frog, I'd be like, yeah, oh, you know, oh, yeah, I get the, this might be the third chef.

I've never gotten this far, dude. I've never waited three, I've never waited three and a half hours for room service, okay? these mid-tier hotels, man, step it up. And so, so, and I don't want to get too into this 35 minutes later, but I'm just like, dude, I open up the door. Who's it going to be? Who's it going to be? Is it just, is it going to be a new guy?

That the, is it going to be one of the people, one of the many castes of characters that I've seen before? Opens up the door. It's, it's the, lady who looks like she escaped from Warren Jeff's compound, all fresh-faced, holding my food in a bag like this. And I say, oh, hi, hi, she says, gives me the bag. She says, I am, I'm so sorry. and I say no I I I know it just it it would it was three and a half hours and she says I know and I'm just as frustrated as you it's just so it's not right and of course the food is free and give me your email I give her my email

and she says I'm going to write you an email but tomorrow come down and we'll figure something out, we'll make this stay right. And I say, okay, okay, I appreciate that. She says, thanks. And I close the door. And I eat the salmon. By the way, I go, oh, yeah, I still don't have my back. no so uh i go to sleep i mean dude just like you know i'm i'm exhausted dude bro i i flew the whole way i'm exhausted you know i wake up the next morning you know like just and then you always try to pick up the phone you know first of all when's the last time you picked up a phone before it's just like you're like i went to go pick it up and Where is it?

It's like two bobcats are trying to fuck each other. Hello? Hi, sir. Hi. So, so we have your bag. Dude, I never woke up. And my first words have been, I know before. But this was that day.

I know. We have your back. Hi, no. I know. I got a confirmation delivery right here. And B6. 95, 5, 6.5, Z Z Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z Z, Z Z Z, Z Z Z Z, Z Z Z Z, Z Z, Z Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, Z, 2, 2, Z Z Z Z Z, 2, 2, Z Z Z Z, 2, 2, Z Z Z, 2, 2, Z Z, B, B, B, and, oh, and, oh, yes, is

UPS or UPS? I don't fucking, let me look. Look, let me look. I have both apps. It's one B, B, B, B, B, Z, Z, Z, UPS. That's what it is. The brown and yellow one. The brown and yellow one. So we have your bag. Do you want us to come, we could come bring it up now if you like. Sure. Yeah, that's fine. Sure. Yeah, that's fine. Okay, sir, be right up. I'll bring it personally. Oh, sure. Okay. Okay. Bye bye. See ya. Hang up the phone. I don't even know if it's hung up, you know, because they got those bitch-ass fucking.

The hotels always have that one receiver with the fat ear one and the little bitch-ass fucking talking one. You know, and so you don't even know if that's in there, right, until you hear. Eng, ang, ang, ang, ang, ang, ang, eng. So I go back, I lay down because I'm like, there's no fucking way this is coming in the next five minutes. You know what I mean?

Last fucking... Yeah, last night, it took three and a half hours to get some salmon and some puree and not my bag. So there's no way it's coming up now. Three and a half minutes later. No. Huh. I go. I open up the door and it is this new to me.

lady couldn't have looked sweeter you know how there's like in the service industry look every race has there are different types of people who work in the service industry the two main ones when it comes to black women are the ones that are like that that are either like that make you feel like you're at their thanksgiving table okay for dinner in invited. Are you sure eat more? Are you sure we got this for you too? Boy, we're so happy to have you here. Child, please, right? Or the shuffler, right? We're like, why, how come she's not, is she? Going to, yeah, I'd like to get, can I also, can I get sun chips? Why she's dragging her feeling? I wish I had one of the ones that made me feel like I was at her

Thanksgiving table for dinner. You're on bag. Huh? I guess so, yeah. It's 10 cents. Right. Okay. And I'm not, but that's just, that's the facts, dude.

Right. So she is the sweetest lady, dude. And I say hi. And she says, Mr. DeLia, here's your bag. And it was a FedEx, a UPS box that has not been open. The problem was it, this is what she says, dude. The problem was it wasn't in where we keep the bags and the deliveries.

It was in the back of the kitchen. No. You know, at this point, I don't even give a fuck. So I say, oh. Yeah. So I take the bag from her and she says, now I would like to make this stay right for you. So we could talk about that later because right now it looks like,

right now it looks like you still sleep. And I'm like, hell yeah, dude. Black people drop that A real quick in the beginning. The only people that do that are black people and my son Billy. What are you doing? I was sleep. Yeah, what do you? I do something funny.

Genn. One more gang. One more again, Dad. So I get my. Thank you very much, ma'am. Opening up the box. Don, don't, don't, don't, don't. Opening up the Lula lemon toilet tree bag.

Totally unsure if I even have my glasses in there, but I just think I do. Nah, nah, da, ding, dong, ding, dong. Oh, shit. Duh. And now I can fucking see, dude. This summer, this fall. What I, what, what, from the makers of un, what was it? Oh, whatever.

How old is this? Um, yeah, anyway, dude, you know, oh, I know, I know. That just drives me nuts, but it's okay. But my whole thing is it's like, get, every, COVID fucked. I don't even want to talk about it, dude. COVID fucked everything up, dude. You know what they really fucked up? Everything.

You know what they really fucked up, though? Everything. You know what COVID fucked up beyond that? Everything. What were you say? Oh yeah. I say, oh yeah, they fucked up hotels. I'd be like, oh, yeah, but they fucked up hospitals.

Oh, no, yeah, you're right. Yeah, oh, they fucked up the school system. Oh, yeah, no, you're right, actually. Oh, but they fucked up delivery. Oh, yeah, you're right. Oh, but it fucked up the political. Oh, yeah, no, it did, dude. Oh, yeah.

It fucked up everything. And now, because the government lied to us in 2020, I got to wait three and a half hours to get my salmon and puree. No. No. But I just, you know, bro, I just, I feel like this is, the more time goes on, the more I understand that we live in a simulation no matter what Matt tells me. You can't.

You can't, dude. I'm at the, uh, I love my life, dude. And, and, and, and I, and I love my life. And I'm, and you're not going to fucking, hey, mind, whether it's the outside, uh, uh, forces, or my mind, the inside forces, you're not taking that sentiment from me, dude. You are not taking that sentiment from me. I tickle my sons, dude.

I hear them laugh. I make faces at them. I make, they laugh. We all laugh, dude. You are not taking the sentiment that I love my life away from me no matter how long I have to wait for my fucking room service. Yes, dude.

Just a gorgeous thing. Just a gorgeous, gorgeous thing. So anyway, I didn't mean to talk about this for so long. I didn't even mean to, especially since Trump tweeted a picture of him as Jesus. What's going on, man? What is going on? Dude, Jack Harlow's hat. Trump picture.

So this is a real post that Trump did, okay? The president. And he tweeted a painting, a picture, well, I guess it's AI, right? Because everything is. This is a real post, the president of the book, he posted a picture of himself, healing a man, healing basically John Hamm. That's John Hamm for sure. That's what AI used for that guy.

This is incredible. of him healing with the lights coming out of his hands, healing a sick man by putting his, he has a light source coming out of his hand, and he's putting it on the other guy's forehead. Like every third painting of Jesus, right? So this is what he did. That's what he did.

Just because he could do whatever. I mean, the other day, I saw him coming out off of a golf cart. By the way, dude, you know, the internet is crazy. I understand that everyone needs downtime, but it is wild that the president is just playing golf and he's and he's just like, I just, I would be like, hey guys, I'm going to go play golf.

Is there any sort of like Kevlar I can wear or like a, what's a cloak? Can I wear it? Is there a cloak? I don't want anybody getting any footage of me doing anything relaxing when all this crazy shit's going on. But he's in this golf cart and he sees this woman. and he's just like, oh, she's in beautiful shape.

Did you see this thing? It's his lady. She's on his golf course or whatever. And he drives by and she's like, trom, trump, trump. And, you know, she's a fit. She's got to be in her 30s, maybe 40 even. But he's like, oh, she's in beautiful shape. Look at her.

She's in such good shape. And he gets up, he said, come here, come here. He gets off. He stops the car. He gets off. She says, come here. Come here. She's in such good shape, isn't she?

And she hugs him. And he's like, yeah, come over here. And she's like, yeah, this is all. And then she tweets it and she's like, my husband and I saw fucking. And Trump says, got his fucking mittens all over him. And I'm just like, that's fine. That's fine. That's fine.

Okay. That's all good. I get it. Some people get horned. Some people get horned up. And some people are gold fucking diggers. Bona. Dung.

When you got tits bouncing on a golf course boom a new moo hang out a powerful 82 year old man he's gonna want you know so okay so whatever the fuck all good

they're adults have her husband cuck it up over on the fucking green can I get a chair can I get a chair at the ninth hole and and I'm like man this this it's weird because this is fine

they can all do that if they want to but what this it's like when you're it's like what that what stupid people see that and take it as and turn it into and run with it that's the problem you know like think of all those dudes that are just like oh fuck yeah dude yeah fucking hell yeah dude fucking everyone toucher you know so he so he he does what he does what He does what he wants. And then they asked him about it.

He posted a picture of himself as Jesus Christ. Mr. President, did you post that picture of yourself depicted as Jesus Christ? Well, it wasn't a picture. It was me. I did post it. And I thought it was me as a doctor. Ah. A doctor with light coming out of his hands?

And had to do with Red Cross as a Red Cross worker there, which we support. And only the fake news could come up with that one. Oh, yeah? I had, I just heard about it. It's like if the guy had a fucking red and yellow titanium fucking suit on. And they're like, tron, and it fucking, and Jarvis is hanging out next to him. Why did you tweet a picture as you as Iron Man? Only you fucking idiots would come up with this.

It's Ronald McDonald. And I said, how do they come up? I've got a large fries. It's supposed to be me as a doctor. Ha! Making people better. And I do make people better. Ha!

Ha! People a lot better. What? I mean, honestly, this, at this point, this is the fucking, he's saying shit. This is rivals Biden shit. What, what that was? Biden would just be like, remember, I, I remember. I remember it.

I was in a pool and I had a bunch of hair of my shins and, you know, my grandfather would touch my shins. You're just like, uh, uh, uh, what do you talk? What we got here? It's the vault is this is, oh, okay. You both craze. Let's not make this political. Let's make it about brains. You both craze. Um, so I'm just like a doctor. I help people. I love that. I did not. This is the final form of late stage feminism right here. Ruby Rose alleges Katie Perry sexually assaulted her at an Australian nightclub. Oh my God. She said the alleged isn't since closed.

Melbourne Nightclub has happened when she was in her 20s. So the allegation being circulated on social media by Ruby Rose about Katie Perry are not only false. They are dangerous, reckless lies, a spokesperson said. So let me ask a question now because you got to believe, you got to believe all women, right? So if they're both women and they're both saying it, impossible they're lying, right? So so, so. How could they both be true? She did it and she didn't do it?

Uh, hmm. Oh, there's tweets about it, threads? Threads? Oh, she put it on threads? That's gangster, dude. Oh, yeah? Well, yeah, I'm gonna fucking, oh yeah, you broke me.

I'm putting it on threads. I don't even... Ruby Rose is a striking-looking person, huh? But I feel like she's... Ruby Rose details injuries suffered on Batwoman's set, alleges abusive behavior. Look at this.

Ruby Rose describes difficulty finding ER after complications from surgery. She's basically like a... a super serious Larry David. You know what I mean? It's just like just complaining

but about serious things. This is crazy, bro. I don't, it's just, so now what? It's never, you can't, everyone fucking lies, dude. Everyone, if it's being said

online in the news by a friend's friend anywhere, it's a lie, dude. And they might not even mean to be lying. Just, oh, man. It sucks, but yeah. Oh, it's not a lie? Oh, but they said there was a chef in the kitchen making my salmon.

Oh, but there wasn't. I don't know this person. Oh. This chef lives in the fucking hotel. All right, fine. Whatever. Lie. But it is what it is.

I am, uh, I worked on my back today. I was doing it crazy, dude. I was just doing it crazy. And that's that. So thank you very much. Appreciate you. Come on out to my show.

I got my goal for it tour going, prisly.com. Thank you very much. Get tickets. I would love to see you there. Thank you.