Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 503. Maxmaxxing

Episode Date: April 30, 2026

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drunk. Hey guys, what's up? It's episode 503 of congratulations. Dude, it's, I'm starting now. It's Monday. It's a little earlier than I normally start. It's 1.17 p.m. Just a midday cordon sash.

Oh, man, that boy, I got upset when I said that. And I knew it going into it. It's not like I said it and then go, oh, I shouldn't have said that. I knew cordon, cordon's cool. SESH is not cool. And that kind of got popular around the early 2000s or something. That needs to go and it's always needed to go. But anyway, we're doing a cordon session.

I'm feeling at this point good. Good. I got to talk to my doctor because, dude, I feel good sometimes. And then immediately, it'll just be snatched from me. So I feel good. So I'm like, let's start the cordon session now and let's go. Because I'll tell you what, dude, I was in Fort Wayne this past weekend and whoopsie, Daisy. Whoopsy, Daisy.

Fort Wayne is, Indiana, I don't even know if I've, I don't even know if I, one of the only places in my life where I've been to that this, and I don't, sorry, actually it was the first place ever that I went, that I thought I was this. there before and realized in the middle of it was never there. So that's what that means. I don't know if that means I have the beginning stages of some sort of mental thing or if that is just how Fort Wayne is. So I did Fort Wayne, Indiana. I am going to a bunch of different places coming up here. San Jose actually was one that I forgot to put on my website. I'm doing this new thing where I'm forgetting to put things on my website. And it's not my fault. And I guess I don't know whose fault it is. You know, my manager or my website? It's one of those things that you know what it does? It falls through the cracks. And that's not, I don't, you know, my goal is to get to be powerful and

rich enough to have a fault guy. And he, I hire him. And he, I hire him. And he, he, my guy and he's a fault guy if anything is ever wrong it's his it's his fucking fault okay and uh i yell at him and uh take it out on him and he gets fired so basically you can just be a fault guy for a little bit until something falls through the cracks and then you got to get a new fault guy but those guys can all be rotating like you could have like you can have either actor you know, entertainer fault guys where like, you know, this guy's like, yeah,

I worked for T.J. Miller for a while. I was his fault guy for a few days. And then I became Jimmy Fallon's fault guy. And then, you know, and then, and then this happened and happened. Or you could, maybe you're like a tech guy fault guy. You know, you're just some guy that's like, oh, dude, I worked for one of these guys in this startup. And this thing fell to the cracks.

He blamed me. So anyway, I switched on over to this new app. But yeah, I need to get a, a fault guy. Because, dude, I don't like when it's when something is not someone's fault. That sucks, man. But it's more, it says more about me, really,

is the truth of it. Yeah. It says more about me is the truth of it. Because I'm watching Sopranos. I'm on season six. I've never been this far in Sopranos. I'm about to finish it, but the is it Janice, the sister? Yeah.

Yeah. Sopranos. Tony's sister. Anyway, whatever. Janet, Janice, she is taking anger management classes. And I'm like, listening to her talk about it, the character, talk about her anger management classes. And I'm like, maybe I need that. Because, because, and I don't even think I have an, and I don't know if I have an anger problem. I don't know if I do or not. But, because I don't, I don't, I don't usually yell at people. I think if you talked to my wife, she would say, like, you know what I do? I'll watch Sopranos. And I'll, and I'll, and like, the way Christopher talks to, uh, a, ad. What's her name? Christopher Malthasante and Adrian, Adrian. Adriana.

Adriana, yeah. The way he talked to Adriana, he'll be like, the fuck are you doing? this and that and she's like well get the fuck out of here and then and then they'll be like all right well i'm out i got to go and then they kiss each other now granted that relationship is terrible because he beats her but but besides that part the part i wish i could just like you know you have guy friends like i have guy friends and i'm just like what are you doing dude get it keeps touching my my my my thigh move move over right you could talk like that to your fellas and you can't do that to your wife or girlfriend or any females and that's suck

dude because that's the essence of guy that's the essence of guy is just being all like you know maybe pissed off for a little bit but then after that somebody goes are you pissed off and you go no i just i'm the essence of guy at this point because you can't do that to your you know women are fragile and they they're you know they're they're equal to a certain point but but not when it comes to like fucking bench pressing, you could break them, you know? And so you got to just kind of cool down the essence of guy. Essence of guy, if there was cologne for that, would be amazing.

Essence of guy. Just smells like fucking piss on hockey. Dude, but so I'm watching Sopranos, and it's just taking me for a ride, man. It's taking me for a ride. It reminds me of my family, and it makes me... Man, being a mafia guy would be so... Dude, so I'm sitting there watching it. And my nanny's in the kitchen behind me, you know?

And I don't need a nanny for me. I need one for my kids. But... And I'm watching the sopranos, and I'm like, man, and I go like this. In my head, I... I think above all else, above all else, being a in the mafia, the word that I would, to describe it for me, the most would be absolutely stressful.

You know what I mean? Like it wouldn't be, yeah, yeah, there would be fear. There would be excitement. There would be, you know, all these other feelings. stress would be the number one thing I would feel all the time, right? Because there's just, that lifestyle's crazy. You know? And there's such assholes, too.

Like, they're so annoying walking around being like, yeah, you're going to have to give me some money from that. It's like, dude, you're just to fucking get out of here. I run a business. But anyway, so I'm thinking, man, it's got to be so stressful. And then I say to my nanny, I say, dude imagine being in the mafia and she says and i have not said this and she says it would be so stressful and i'm like that's exactly the word i was thinking of because it would be because you just whacked a few people you have to worry about the politics and and then i was thinking about like

okay so the mafia isn't really a thing anymore right i'm I mean, I suppose it's around, you know, guys are connected, but it's not like it was in the 80s, or, you know, or even in the 90s. 70s, I don't know. But I'm like, if you wanted to, imagine, like, imagine doing, imagine starting a mafia. Like now.

You probably couldn't do it, but anything could be done, right? Because I was in Fort Wayne, and I was like, what if I just planted here and just started a mafia? What if I just started the mob in Indiana? And just, I bet that would be, you know, you'd probably wind up dead or in jail really quickly. But like, you could, you could, you could, you could just walk around to businesses and be like, like, how would you start being a mob guy? You'd have to get a, so that's the thing. I realized when I was thinking about this,

it has to be, the reason why one of the, one of the reasons why it's so successful, not that it is anymore, but that it was that it got so big, is because of the family ties, the name that carries each family, right? And, and, and then the blood of how you, you know, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you,

And then other guys become part of the quote unquote family. But like there's that code, right? And you go, well, that's my cousin. That's my, that's my nephew. That's my father ran this. So I will carry on the legacy. And you can't really start that, you know? So what you'd have to do is sit your whole family down as much as your family as possible.

and get them together and be like, guys, I have an idea. I want to start the mafia. But I need all of you guys involved. And now here's why that will never happen again, because everybody's family nowadays, fucking, they all hate each other. You know? And maybe they don't.

Like maybe there are some families in, you know, Provo or something that love each other, right? right, because of religion or something. But then they're not the one, they're not going to start a mafia. Now, you could argue, okay, well, Mormonism is kind of a mafia, but they don't kill people, right? They just keep procreating, which is super annoying. But, you know, it's like, I don't think it's possible to make the, I think the mafia has to get in early, which means it's kind of like a virus.

Like, I guess you, but you could also, you could start gangs, but they got to be in the fucking hood. You can never start a gang in a nice neighborhood. That's the thing. And when you're in the mafia, you're in a nice neighborhood. So that's why it'll just never exist. And I figured it out, dude.

I figured it out the other day thinking about a little bit and then coming and then coming to this podcast and solidifying it. I figured it out. It could never be a mafia again. Because you'd walk into some business and you'd be like, hey, you know, I hope that, you know, and you'd talk to your cousins,

you talk to your uncles, you talk to your dad, your mom, you talk to everybody. Well, you wouldn't, you leave the women out of it, you know, because they don't need to know. They would want them complicit. But you go to like a sporting goods store and you go like, yeah, man, this sucks. You go, can I talk to our manager?

Man, we heard that a lot of bad stuff is happening around here. And we want to offer you protection. And they go, who? And they go, do Dillia family? And they say, oh, what does that mean? And they, well, we just, you know, you pay us a little bit. Otherwise, it would be terrible if something happened. And then they would be like, well, no, we don't need protection.

And then you'd have to go fuck their store up with your family. And you just would get caught, right? And you don't have, here's the other thing too. You don't have any ties with, with, like, cops. There's nobody that's, like, on the take yet. So you just get thrown in jail and you go, like, oh, we fucking tried. So you'd have to really, really think about it, man. Or you'd get away with, you know, you'd go to a florist and you'd be like,

yeah, you've seen a lot of vandalism out here. They're going to vandal your shop. We all offer protection to go, okay. They're like, oh, well, it's going to cost you, but how much? I don't know, $300 a month. They say, okay, and then you got $300 a month from that forest. But, you know, you keep going to different shops around. You collect money.

But then it's like, how much money are you really making? And then also, do you have regular jobs? Right. Because, like, I mean, you know, it just, it just, going back to my point, it seems totally fucking stressful. And you have to kill people, too, which is like a whole other thing where it's like, I hope I don't get fucking cough. You have to keep moving bodies, you know, because they sell land.

you go oh fuck we got we gotta dig him up where was he again get get the guys yeah yeah it's too hard it's too hard and uh and that's a good thing I suppose but you know the governments of mafia

and also the cops are mafia and also Mormons are mobias and the mafias exist but they just don't you know what I mean organized crime uh organized crime speaking of which, the government now accepts PayPal and Venmo donations to help reduce the debt. Dude, go fuck yourself, you know? This, it's like, it, what I heard like if like the top 10 guys, no, no, the top 800

riches guys paid their, their share in taxes that there'd be no tax or some shit. I mean, I'm butchering this thing, but, and I also saw it on fucking, like, you know, uh, Tinder or whatever. but like, no, not Tinder. I'm making a joke that, like, I saw it on a thing that wasn't legit. I can be fucking Juan Fargo's Tinder. Euroist government wants Americans to pay off the national debt.

This is crazy. I mean, dude, this is like the biggest fuck you. Dude, just get Jeff Bezos to pay some. Just get fucking Elon to pay some, dude. Oh, it was like the top 800 companies. That's what it was. Warren Buffett said. it. No, Warren Buffett said it. He said if the top 800 companies paid 5% or 5 billion,

it was something like that each, there'd be no more taxes. That's what it was. And Warren Buffett's like, I'm down to do it. But he's the only one that's down to do it. Yes, I fucking remembered it. So it's just sad. I don't, I don't, you know, I don't, it's like, and instead they're They're treating it like it's only fans. How is there not... I don't know. Rosen lasagna, medium power. 15 minutes.

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Call 16-531-260 or visit connectxonterio.ca. It's like the shooting at the White House, at the, at the, at the correspondent that the guy came. First of all, guy had no plan. You know, let's just assume it's all real and on the level. Like I, you know, that this, not on the, not that it's on the level, but imagine this guy's like, all right, today's the day I'm going to go do it. Right.

And he goes. And that's what this was. Okay, let's imagine. I know the second you start talking. talking about it online, people are like, oh, it's not true. It didn't happen. It's a fake. You know, oh, then how come, you know, he's moving like this here. If he was like that there, you know, he has a limp and he can't. Oh, oh, and just be, oh, oh, and sure, it makes perfect sense that four months later, the guy was in Israel doing that, whatever the fuck, you know, and you're like,

you know, I, I don't know, dude. Yeah, there are crazy people out there that will go try and do this. And then I guess we don't know the truth, right? Because why would we? But they took this guy out. Guy had no plan. Dude, did you see the video of all the, all the guys that have like, all the Secret Service and the CIA were just like,

move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move. Like a bunch of fucking cows on cocaine. Just fucking, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move, we got it. We got it, we got it. Where is he? Move, mum, moom, moom, moom, moom, move. Just fucking, the nightclub utters.

And, um, you're going down to udders? Move, moom, mo, mo, Oh, shit, dude. I like to move it, move it. Remember that song? Wow. I like to move it, move it. Oh, thanks to Legends Social Casito.

Shout out to the sports book. Thanks to Legends Social Casino and Sportsbook for sponsoring this episode in the middle of that pit. But yeah, there was a shooting. Dana White was there. I mean, just, you know, how about the fucking stupid idiot woman that did the selfie?

Thanks CIA for taking care of that. Do you see it? With the girls like, and people are on the ground? These fucking hoes, dude. These fucking and men, dudes can be hos too. I mean hoes.

It's endrogynous. Or not androgynous, but multi, by, you know what I'm saying, men and women ho. But what? You got it? But man, this fucking woman, like, and then the best is she deleted it. Like, dude, nah, that's the worst part. You know, do you not know this is bad?

You got to know this is bad. You have to know this is not okay. because you posted it because you can't think, yeah, this is bad, I'm going to post it. And you certainly can. But then when people are like, what the fuck is this? You don't delete it. You go, yeah, I don't care, though. That's what I wanted to post.

This is how much of an idiot this woman is. She posted this not knowing that it's bad and then goes, oh, everyone's mad and took it down? Just stand by it at this point. Look at W.H. Correspondence dinner. Shooter is dead. Thank you, Secret Service. Thank you, Secret Service.

This is crazy. The shooter at the... Oh, yeah, it was on influencers in a while. The shooter at 2026 White House correspondent dinner, Cole Allen, was taken into custody after. Oh, that's just a community note. But she's doing a kissy face.

Shout out to the Deborah Lee for doing that. That's her. whatever it is what it is bro i don't know like i said the last episode the cringe inflation it's like you can't uh you can't just uh nothing is really embarrassing anymore you know clavicular right that's the name clavicular right yeah clavicular right yeah clavicular you see him talking on the ice coffee hour uh about how he's like yeah i'm going to break my jaw and i'm going to grow it it's going to be whatever he's calling it but this is uh like we're all watching these train wrecks you know uh clavicular iced coffee that that's the dude right that's the yeah um here it looks like

you're airlines and they do a better job um well whatever dude it's it's i mean looks match you know. Why would you spend that much on on your looks when you're 21? You might even out. Also, this guy looks great. Hey, guy. He won. Buy a Ferrari. I'm not saying that he can't still, but do that instead of making your jaw jut out a little bit more. They're going to put screws in the top of the jaw, bottom of the jaw, and on his chin, and they're going to push it out more so he looks more manly oh but but but but dude being looking good as a man manly it's like you i i don't know man i this i mean i you know i guess i'm the old old dog now like i'm 46 and you know if i were 21 would i be thinking looks maxing is you know uh good good uh you know

i see if i was younger i'd take it to the next level though i'd take it to the next level though i'd it to fucking, I'd be on already on max maxing. Like these motherfuckers, uh, no, dude. Oh, yeah. Oh, you, oh, you looks max. Oh, okay. That's cute. I'm max max. Dude, whatever jaw surgery you're getting, I'm getting it for my whole fucking head. Dude, I'm getting plates into my jaw. I'm going to look so dope. My jaw's going to come out so far. You could skate on it. Dude, it's going to be, I'm going to use it as a shoehorn. Fuck you. I'm max max. I take. I take. I take. I take. I make maxing and I max that. I max, max, max it.

See, this is what these people are missing, dude. This is what these youngans are missing, dude. The full, they're not understanding how to take it to the next level, dude. Looks maxing. It's for pussies. Max, max or nothing. Max, max or die. Max, max or die.

It's just, they say they're going to cure baldness by next year. And I'll tell you what, my hair is going to start up my eyebrows. Fuck you. I'm starting my hair from my eyebrows. I'm going to look like Blanca with fucking John Stamos hair. Fuck you. And I'm good. And I'm getting a diamond chest.

I'm getting it all here. Whatever it is, Chia, you know, whatever they do, whatever they think. I'm getting it diamond shape like this, starting from the eyebrows, poofed out. I'm going to look fantastic, dude. and I'm still going to do comedy. I'm still going to go everywhere with a scoopy chin. Fucking max maxing.

Dude, when they, because here's the thing, I'm not getting a hair transplant. I'm not doing that. Okay, if I go bald, I go bald. Next year they said they're going to be able

to cure baldness. If they can cure baldness, that's different. I'll do that. I'll put my hair wherever I want to. I'll put my hair wherever I want to. You know what I'm saying? Like, so,

yeah, it's just going to be, I'm going to look like fucking Zang-Gief, dude. Forget it. Oh, dude, is that... What's Chris have a red speedo on with high boots? Oh, fuck, yeah, that's right. You got his look from Zangief. Is that why he has the diamond chest?

Yeah. Is that why he shaved the size of his head with the top? Yeah. Is that why he has the goate with the... Yeah. And how come his chin comes down so far? You could skate on it and use it as a shoehorn because he max maxes.

Stupid. Because these stupid bitches looks max. They think they got something with his looks maxing, dude. Nah. Not until I look like the fucking bad guy from the mask when he puts the mask on. But white, not green. With a fucking bunch of, with a bunch of bitches at the club drinking hot coffee. Da-d-d-d-d-d-dank, da-dank, da-dank, da-dank, da-dank.

Yiddly-lid-lid-lid-lid-a-l-a-a-wa-da-da-a. What's that song? What? Yeah, well, one fire doesn't know. It's okay. But yeah, dude, it, you know, it is what it is. And I'm having a good time. Doing the wizard house.

She's doing the wizard house still. And it's just incredible. When we get this stuff going on Airbnb, it's going to be so, you know what it is? Dude, she's, my wife is making a house for Airbnb. We have a, we have a property. She's making it in Airbnb, a wizard, magical Airbnb. a themed magical wizard Airbnb and it is. Let me tell you something, dude.

It is, you know what it is? Magical. You know, no, you know what it is, honestly? It's so good. I think we could put the house on the market after this and sell it to Dumbledore. Like you, I actually, I get it to theme how, dude, I went to theme, Disney theme, what do you call it? Airbnb's. They ain't shit, dude.

they paint one room like the Incredibles okay all right yeah the kids like it but the adults know what's up i see i see this dude this paint isn't from fucking sherman williams what's that place that what it is this paint it from there what's this my wife no borat is literally creating harry she is creating a house that that you that like actual wizards are going to want to come live in I mean, if there's magic, she'll find it, dude. It's unbelievable. It looks awesome. And when we put that shit on Airbnb,

no, I'm telling you, dude, you know me. I don't care about that kind of stuff. I walk in there, I go, this is kind of bad, dude. I would fucking maybe live here, honestly. And just become a wizard. Grow my, while I max max, dude. The fucking wizard, the max maxing wizard,

with the hair from the eyebrows and the diamond shaped hair, chest, dude, the Wizard of Max Maxing. It's a book fucking Eric Griffin would read that would get too into sex. You'd be listening to it as an audio book. I don't know.

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And make sure to use code, congrats when signing up. And remember, keep it legendary. Hey guys, want to give a holler right here? A late birthday shout out to Jackie Boy, aka Boobie Man, worst name of all time. Love you, brother. Watching Christalia, which is me, this is what he said to him, in Melbourne together, was a core memory. That's beautiful, for sure.

Ancles out, baby. Love Victoria. Aw, cute. Love it. And go to holler. dot baby slash chrysalie if you want to get a shout out on this podcast that is what it is but um yeah dude i i you know what like i'll just get like an email and it's like i guess i have i i guess i have um venmo i don't i guess i don't i guess i guess it in years but i you know

it's still my email is on it and i'll get an email from like a guy on Venmo that's like, hey man, just going through some rough times, getting married, if you could send me $300 to be awesome. And I'm like, and this happens not just once, like a bunch. And I'm like, how do you first of all, how do you find me on Venmo? Second of all, I have a Venmo. And third of all, I'm, you think I'm just going to send some? people ask me for $3,000. Who are you?

And also, how do I know any of this is true? Dude, one time I sent another comedian. I go, look at this person trying to ask me for VEMO. And I sent it to this comedian. This comedian sent me the same email from someone saying the same shit. And I go, what? It was the same.

It was, now we knew it was a lie because they said both, like, you're my favorite comedian. And then like, I've been listening to you ever since yada, yada. it and they just change it. It's like, dude, you know, you ruin it for everybody. Oh, you run it for everybody. I can't stand people who ruin it for everybody. Um, this protein shit has jumped to shark. Protein Doritos. Go fuck yourself. Oh, but it still gives you cancer, right? Protein Doritos. Look at this. The, the, the, the title of this, uh, article, I guess you might call it, delicious is I

tried Doritos new protein chips and they hold up to the OG. I don't think I've ever disliked a headline more than that unless it was like led to... Against all odds, they still taste like the snack you demolished by the handful. This guy who wrote

this. Like, is he nine? 10 grams of protein per one serving. Protein, dude. Per certain... 10... Oh my God, dude. The way they do with the attention span, before the article it says two-minute read. Like, dude, read it or don't.

Also, you can stop reading whenever. It's not like you're like, oh, fuck. I didn't know this is going to be 15-minute read. I wouldn't have started. Just stop. Doritos protein chips deliver 10 grams of protein per serving while keeping the bold flavor and crunch fans expect. This is so annoying.

The chips are thicker and sturdier than the original. original with a satisfying crunch that almost feels like a double-fried tortilla chip. Some guy wrote this. Unlike many protein snacks, he skipped the chalky aftertaste and feel like a true Doritos experience with just a little extra protein. Look at this. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

Look at this. Protein is having a moment. Dude, suck me sideways. Protein is having a moment. you dip shits like it's Hillary swank go fuck yourself dude like it just won slam dance

dude look at this protein is having a moment actually scratch that protein is having a full blown press tour when asked about million dollar baby no suddenly every every food category wants to help you hit your goals how's everybody still fucking fat as shit

when I see a really fat person I get just lost in a spiral of thoughts. I'll just be thinking about that fat person next to them. You know, I'm waiting for a flight or, you know, if I'm at a restaurant or even anywhere, really. And I go, God, how do they do that? Walk around like that. And I'm not talking about a little bit of fat or even fat.

I'm talking about, isn't it hard to walk around? it's so weird that they're that like okay we're at the point where not only is there are there chips that absolutely give you cancer okay not not only are we at that point we're at the point where we're past that point we're past the point to where we're past this point too uh the the protein version of the chips that absolutely give you cancer okay so but but we're not there we're past that. We are at the guy writing a review for the chip that, the protein version of the chip

that absolutely gives you cancer. That's where we're at. And it's on a website and you read it and we're at the point where it tells you how long it's going to take to read. That's 2006, 2006, 2006. That's where we're at. whatever i saw i was at i was flying to fort i was going i was going to lax to get to fort wayne and i saw

marlin oh no actually what happened was i heard one of the tsa agents a woman as i was passing her i had got i had already gotten through she said and that is the finest one of all of them marlin that is the finest one and i'm like okay they're talking about the wands i guess right because if you say the finest one out of all of them is Marlin you pretty much think of okay it's talk about the Wands you know because there's about

75 of them and Marlon is one of them and he's handsome and so I go oh maybe they're talking about the Wands or maybe he's here so I'm at the TSA I'm at the X-ray the belt thing where I'm getting my bag

and I see Marlin and I know Marlin and every time every time I see Marlin he's wearing the same kind of thing. It's pretty impressive. And I don't mean this in a bad way. I mean, the guy's got his style down. He's locked in.

He'll have some sort of army green or like beige jacket that's puffed out, you know, shoes with the, he knows what's up. I get why this TSA lady is being like, and that's the finest one out of all of them. Now, look, I'm just saying, like pause, whatever you would say. but um so i see him and i go oh it's marlin i'm going to say hi okay and it i i i walk up to him his back is to me and and i grab under his uh because he's like grabbing his bag i grab under his arm and i and i grab his elbow so my arm is under his arm and i'm holding his elbow now right like it's like this and the dude turns around and I this is so this was so interesting to me because the face he had on

was so for about a second motherfucker who's doing this to me and and and I totally understand it because I've been there right because you don't expect it to be somebody dude well he's way more famous than I am But like when people, they'll be like, oh shit, what's up. Like some dude said hi to me the other day. And they did it in a way where it's like, have I met this guy or not? Don't be so friendly if I don't know you.

Right. And so, so he turned around. I go, that's the face I make. I literally saw his face. I go, this is the face I make in my head. But I, you know, so obviously then he realized it was mean. He was like, oh, what's up? And we say hi.

And we're talking. He's like, where are you going? I'm like, Fort Wayne. He was like, man, I canceled that. I was supposed to go to Fort Wayne. You go to some fucked up places. I was like, I know where you going? He said, Des Moines.

I was like, what the fuck? So anyway, I got to tell you, though, when we parted, like, you know, he, we shook hands and he, you know, gave each other a hug. That dude is, I didn't know that. He's built. Did you know that? I go, oh, I would, I would have never thought this, but I go, in my head,

I'm like, oh, I would, I would never want to fight this guy. He's built. He's tall. You know, I think he's my height. And I don't, then I started to think about what's it like, dude, I'll never get to hug me. I'll never get to see what, what is, am I Aki? You know, am I built? Am I a shit, brick house?

Brick, brickshed house. What is it? Brickshed house? And like, then I go to my thing and I see, um, uh, Chris spent, I, no, I hear. I hear. Delia and I look over as Chris Spencer and a bunch of other comedians that are famous like Anthony Anderson's there and I say to hide all them and then Chris Spencer's like let's get a picture gets a picture and I'm like oh cool and then he sent and then I and the next day I was like oh yo

bro it's good seen you send me that picture he sent me that picture and I look so I just want to have nice pictures with people you know you're the you're the about that? Like as a guy, it doesn't matter that much. But when you, I mean, dude, I look like a fucking bird, bro. I look like a bird. And I was the only white guy in the picture. So it's like I got to represent, but I was not representing good. I was, I looked awful. I looked awful, dude. And then I started thinking about, oh, that sucks for chicks. They got to be attracted to dudes. And then I'm like, well, you, you ever see a, a woman with a really, um, Ugly dude?

And then you and then guys will be like, that guy is so ugly. How did he get her? Hey, you're ugly too. All of us are ugly. Men are disgusting. I mean, maybe if you're 24 and so lean with a great skin and a cool, oh man, dude, so gay what I'm saying. But still, if you're that, then okay.

but if you're fucking over 30, you're ugly. Guy, guys, not with, there's beautiful women. Women are, they are attracted to men. And no shit, it's not about looks, dude. Not that they, they do want, you know, tall guys and big guys because of the safety reason, not because of looks. Because guys will be like, what do you like? You're like, I want to grow big tits, cool eyes.

You go, okay. Plus lips. Yeah? And a woman, what do you want? I just want, I don't know, I want to feel comfortable. Mitch made a couch. But no, that's the truth. They want a man that can just like that would,

they want a man that is just a six, you know, and they'll, they, they, just a slub, dude. That, that also is like, can talk somebody into something. That's just what a woman wants. A fucking six that can talk people into stuff. That's the hottest guy. A seven that can talk a few other men into some things.

Right? Like, dude, the whole Pete Davidson thing, remember when that dude was like dating all of the hot famous women? It's only because all of the hot famous women dated him. And I think Pete is charismatic. I like Pete and he's a guy. But like I'm talking about like,

they want the thing that everybody wants. And if a guy can talk you into something, that's the thing. Nobody's more persuasive than a guy who could talk you into something. There you go. And you're not somebody that could talk somebody into something if you're a 10

because you never needed to. So if you're, a six, you had to work that angle a little bit. And now, thank God, because it looks maxing, you can level up, you know? You don't have to be a six. They're going to cure baldness. Next year, you could just, you know, get the chia head. But yeah, it's just, uh, tens are fucked, honestly. Tens are fucked. The day of the 10 has come to Roo. Is that right? What I said, the way I said it? I don't know. come no but there's another one

roo's the day, rue the day, that's it. Rue the day that the 10 is, you know, something like that. Whatever that sentence is, think that one and that's what I mean. Um, yeah,

because 10s ain't shit. But this is why, you know, hmm, interesting. Whatever. But this is what's like being in my head, you know,

I just, um, this is what I don't have guests on my podcast. I don't have to talk to them about this. Look at this. The Michael movie that Nealong is of

is of course in. Could they make that movie without Nealong? I've worked with her. She's great. Could they make this movie without Nealong? No.

Wait, have I worked with her? Yeah, I worked with her. Opening Biopic, number one biopic ever, right? Is that what this says? Wow. Now they're just going to make fucking wow the guy I mean the guy I mean this movie can't be good right it can't be good

they should have called it he he he do you imagine they call he he the fucking oh dude hi hi three for he please four for a matinee of he he thank you come can we get uh you want to come yeah we're gonna go see chamon come on come on we're gonna go see chamon the he he the story of The He He He Chronicles. Come on, we're going to go see the Chronicles of He He! Come on. It's the Chronicles of Shimon. We're going to go.

Hey, guys. Dude, four tickets to the Chronicles of... Come on, guys. Get the family in the car. We're going to the 3.30 showing of... We're going to see... Ah! Ah!

Hey! Come on, guys. From the maker of... Ah! He! He! Shimon! Comes...

Kanye. You know they're going to make that one. They're going to make the biggest worst movies of all the guys that people will just go see. You know, they're going to come out with that Beatles one. The four Beatles movies now they're coming out with. And I got to live during that time. We're now like the next four years

are going to have fucking Beatles movies coming out. But whatever, you know. The sequel. Two. Part two. Part two. Oh, shit, dude. The sequel.

fucking the prequel. The prequel. Dude, fucking just screaming, man. Come on, they got no balls. They call it Michael, dude. Fuck that. There's already a movie called Michael with John Travolta plays an angel.

Fucking assholes. That's the Michael I know and love. Shum, I got to see that movie, though. It's got to be so bad. I've never even seen the Tupac movie that they made. I don't see biopics.

I don't like biopics, dude. I don't like biopics, because you know they're going to be false. Right? You know they're going to be false. Anyway, it made $217 million worldwide, I guess. But, of course, you know, that's because of like, I mean, just Indians. And they're just flocking. Like, the number one, there's no way an Indian couldn't see this movie.

They go, oh, what is it? Oh, I'm going, Michael Jackson, yeah, credits the full time. Let's go. There's no way. The best. Okay. So, um,

mm. Um, one on next. Uh, so it's, this is a pitchfork movie review. Michael review. Bad.

That's hilarious. Look at Antoine Fuqua. Isn't that the guy that did, uh, Remember the Titans? Is that him? No? Who directed to remember the Titans looked at it?

It's bizarrely sanitized MJ biopic. Well, no shit. sanitized. What are you going to think? You show him fucking getting fondled when he's younger? No? Who directed him when my Titans?

Oh, boy, I second. Okay. Oh, no, no, no, no. Training Day. Did he do Training Day? Yeah. See? That's what's up.

I knew it was either Training Day or remember the Titans. It's Denzel. Storytelling cliches featuring only a few strong performances to keep things afloat. This is how I should have. my comeback playing Michael Jackson. Oh.

That would have been fucking amazing. Are you kidding me? Get cut out of that stupid fucking movie. Whatever it was in 2020, what was it? Monster, Vegas. What's the, Army of the dead.

And then I come back and then fucking six years later in fucking Michael Christelia. as Michael Jackson. Chamon. Shamon, let's go.

He-hee! Just fucking, just 46 the whole time. 46 the whole time. Even when I'm being... Ha-ha-ha! Even when I'm being in the Jackson 5. Just fucking me. 46.

Come on, Dad. With the switch hitting me. Fuck, Dad. Dad, he-he. Dad. Oh, oh, Shimon. Keep adding it. Chris, cut, cut, Anthony Foucault, Anthony Foucault.

Cut, Chris, you can't do he-he yet, okay? And as a matter of fact, I don't want you to do it at all, all right? But Michael Jackson is eight right now, and he just got hit with a switch. He had to go get a switch for his father to hit himself with it. It's a very tense moment. So when the father hits you with it, you can't go, he-he-shamon, okay? And furthermore, don't do that. Don't do he-he-ishamon, even when Michael is older.

and take that clothespin off your nose. But the makeup... But I'm just because I wanted his nose to be... No, I know why. But the makeup is doing the heavy lifting. Shun-dung-tung-dung-dung. Just always showing up in the fucking smooth criminal outfit, no matter what scene I'm shooting.

With the white jacket and the tie and the fucking white hat. Just like spy versus spy. We ready? He-he. He-hee, we ready? Let's go. Here we go, guys.

Come on. Me as Michael Jackson. God damn it. Are you kidding me, dude? That would have been fucking so. Why doesn't the, you know what? I think we need to hack into the Matrix. We do live in the Matrix.

We do live in whatever the fuck, you know, the, what do they call it? We just got to get into, we got, you can hack it. And if we hacked it right, I can make myself play Michael Jackson in the movie Michael instead of this guy. not the matrix what the fuck do they call it are we in a simulation thank you yeah you can act a simulation we just haven't yet and and and and and and if i ever figure it out dude in the first five things i'm going to do is put myself in the lead in this movie dude the michael jacks movie and then yeah just all sorts of shit and then all sorts of shit but that's one of the main ones

so yeah of course the movie's bad um but they didn't make it because they wanted to make it good you know you don't make a big movie like that because you want to make it good you make a bit really because you want to make money um oh wow it's rare and in micromanaged blockbusters often impossible for an actor's performance to be so good it not only hints the movie but it inverts the scripts intended meaning 12 year old juliano crew valdi who stars as young miko jackson in the first act of anti antoine is his name antoine Antoine Fuqua. I mean, he's got two quas in his name.

Antoine fuqua. Are you kidding me? They guys got to be an asshole. I got two quas in my name. So give me that. That's my cheesecake. That's him at crowd service. Last piece?

It's for me. I've got two quas in my name. Give it to me. Take it off someone else's plate. Thank you. What the fuck? Because you're the director? No, because I have two quas in my name.

So stars as Young Marks, of his grotesque biopic does precisely that Michael. So I guess the kid is good in it, they're saying? Really? Have you heard this? Well, you know what that means then. He's going to grow up and be so fat and then, like, die up 42. That's what happens.

When somebody has a killer performance as a young kid like that, they grow up, they get all fat, and then they die at 42. It's Jermaine Jackson's son, the kid? Who plays Maine, Michael? Right. But not the five-year-old, Michael. Right. Oh, sorry.

Yeah, I'm talking about the five-year-old Michael. He's going to grow up to be fat and die of 42, but it's all good. Like, they're going to be like, remember Juliano Crewevaldi? Who starred? Yeah, anyway. Yeah, he lives in fucking Barstone now. Anyway, you know, it's fine. Oh, look, he drags Michael, Tito, Jackie Marlin, and Germain.

Marlon is, maybe she was talking about fucking the Jackson's. The lady. Anyway. Oh, baby, give me one more. chance he he don't me out of him chris cut he what chris what he you stop saying he he okay i am shamo we're gonna have to recast this getting thrown out getting thrown out of the on getting thrown off set guys come on can i at least get a bagel with some locks at craft safe service he he

Shamo. Oh, this is great. The guy who made the Seinfeld song. The Seinfeld song, it's probably one of the top ten greatest songs of all time. Not just theme songs.

Dude. That fucking shit. Dude, and then this motherfucker who made it with, of course, this sweater on. Instead of using, you know, trumpets and saxophones and guitars to play melodies. This is like me with he-he, by the way. You're not saying the lines. This is how I go. Instead of saying the lines, you go he-he.

Which might have interfered with this lead instrument, his voice. I gathered sound. Oh, this guy's crazy, dude. Oh, yeah. Sounds from my mouth. Oh. And I created this library of weird noises that you can make with your tongues, and they seem to play along well with his voice.

They sure did. Then I used the bass, that slap bass, as the primary melody of sorts for Seinfeld. Guy's a genius. In audio range, it doesn't interfere with Jerry, and I can use it modularly to wind in and out of his line. So somehow be able to get out of that scar. And to walk on the phone, it is now the vilest, most disgusted. Each episode, I would do the theme for Seinfeld to match the pacing of his monologue.

Unbelievable, bro. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I guarantee that guy is a brown belt and karate. I never got past that. I guarantee it. Dude. that's just great

and then he did the scene transitions too bado do pt down ptip down all right you guys thank you very much go see me chrissly.com I will be a different

I'm going to San Jose I'm going to Chicago I'm going to a bunch of different areas I'm going to Miami I'm going to I just have so many dates coming up go to I think I'm going to Kentucky go to chrisley.com and check out my tour thank you very much

Thank you.