Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 509. The Ballad of Upside Down Guy

Episode Date: May 28, 2026

Get a shoutout on Congratulations: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠holler.baby/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🎤 The 'B-SIDE' Special is on YouTube: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠WATCH⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 😏 Wondering where the missing episodes are? they're on Patreon: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠patreon.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ - Extended episodes + 1 whole extra episode every month. Also no ads. This week Chris tells the tale of the bat guy who is always upside down at his gym. Plus some stuff about shows and stuff, but mostly let's talk about this upside down guy. 🎰 Legendz Social Casino and Sportsbook. 100% match on your first purchase. (up to $100) ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠legendz.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Instagram, X, and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app.  📸 Instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠instagram.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🕺 TikTok: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠tiktok.com/@chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 🎮 Twitch: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠twitch.tv/chrisdelialive⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 𝕏 X: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠x.com/chrisdelia⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ 👤 Facebook: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're no longer young people. You're just people. And people are either productive or dead weight. It's my first day of work, and I need to make a big impression. Were you just checking me out? No. It's too bad. I see at least 15 ladies I need to talk to before my beta block works off.

My coworkers don't take me seriously. It's not a human. It's just a piece of meat. Someone bring a gurney. Twizzlers keep the fun going. Yeah, I know. I just stopped whatever you were listening to to to tell you that Twizzlers keep the fun going. Well, irony isn't my forte, but twisty, chewy, yummy Twizzlers sure is.

So think of Twizzlers as a little palate cleanser for whatever's queued up, which, by the way, should be coming very soon. Like any second now. Okay, Twizzlers, time to keep the fun going. Hey guys, welcome to congratulations. You know, it's episode 509, I think, or at least I'm, what it says here. 509.

It could be 510. Who knows? What is it? Five. Dinner updated? 509. We did, you know, and we're going and going and we keep going and keep doubling until to kill me.

But thanks to Legend Social Casino and Sportsbook for sponsoring the episode. And we are recording on Memorial Day. We do not take a break just because of America. We are, we, we, what do you call it? respect America by not taking a break. And I know that you can respect America by taking a break and celebrating Memorial Day. But you know what I mean?

I'm just kind of saying things, honestly. I'm just kind of saying things, and that's that. Has anyone seen? I haven't yet. Odyssey. Have you guys seen it yet? Odyssey? The reviews, I wonder how they're doing.

You know, I was thinking, like, I saw a movie that was coming out that, you know, I don't know. If a movie is not Odyssey or Paddington, what? Oh, it didn't come out you? Oh, then you know what came out is the reviews came out then, maybe. I don't know.

My point is, I don't even know when these movies come out. That's my whole point. I don't even know when these big movies come out anymore. But there are smaller movies all over the place, and they just kind of go away. Like, you know, that show that's on Netflix or Man on Fire. I know it because I named my special Man on Fire. And then I think it's a remake of the Denzel Washington movie,

but it's a show now. And, you know, for like three days, I was like, oh, it's the new show. And then it's gone. Nobody's talking about it. And then you think of other shows that were like kind of majorly popular that are just gone. like The Beast in Me or whatever the hell that one with Claire Daines was, that one was pretty big and it's just gone. And then somebody said that, oh, yeah, you should have your kids watch Anola Jones.

And I'm like, they should watch your Nolan Jones movies. And I'm like, movies. The third one's coming out. I had no idea. And how is you and McGregor not in those? If a British movie comes out and it's big and you and McGregor isn't in it, it's a failure to me. also you win that's a crazy name uh but i so this movie i was looking i was scrolling on instagram and i saw this movie called coming out well you know coming out i say i have no idea

that's the thing i have no idea if these words are even coming out or if they're just like dropped on what do you they drop it on prime or apple tv or but it's called pickleball pete and it looked like a comedian was uh made it which is cool to him for putting it together. But Dean Kane is in it and Kevin Sorbo's in it. And like people are like, ew, how could you definitely don't watch this movie because Dean Kane was the ice agent guy or whatever, you know, all four ice. And my point is, what about all the other people that were in that movie?

Like, say this guy makes this movie. Say he's the most liberal guy of all time. and he hires an actor and the actor does his whole work and then the movie gets edited and then and then like a month before the movie comes out the actor that was hired

says something against you know whatever it is even if it is undeniably you know prejudice right you boycott that movie because some actor got hired to be in it

what about all the other guys that are in the movie? What about everyone else that worked on it? So just because of what one guy says, you're going to put a bunch of people's careers just kind of stalled. But anyway, I'm going to watch that movie, dude, because I'm going to see it.

And because I want to see it because if it's bad, I want it to be bad because it's bad. All right? That's what's up. I've been watching that Widows' Base. show, which is good for three episodes. Buy. Every streaming show is doing this one thing

where they'll do three or four episodes, and then they'll do this standalone episode of a side character. And that episode is about that side character the whole time. And that is annoying. Don't do that anymore. Just keep going. Hey, you pick the leads.

Keep going. Keep going. Every time I think about that, I think, oh, the lead had to do something. The lead's dad died. He had to go somewhere. The lead's mom was in a car crash. He had to leave for the week. And so they did it.

So they couldn't use him. So they got the other guys. Here's the thing about Widows Bay. Now, this is a very popular show on Apple TV, and people are saying it's the best show out right now. And I go, no. Oh, I haven't seen all the best shows. I haven't seen all the shows out right now.

But my point is there's too many shows to say one's the best show. But also, here's the thing about Widows Bay. is, uh, it, it could be so good. And why did they cast it like an NBC show? Why did they cast it like a fucking CB? Like a show, like a quirky show that's going to be on ABC after Tim Allen. They've got the one guy in it that was in Beast and Me that is a good actor, Darby Ricehead or whatever the hell his name is.

Michael Ricefield. I don't know what his name is. Ricehead Gibson. You know what I'm talking about. The Beast and Me guy. whatever his name is, he's in it, and then he's good, and then their rest of the people are cast, and they look like they're in community, the show.

And it's not modern family, it's a dark show on Apple TV. That's a horror thriller that has elements of comedy in it. Fine, yes, and that makes it good. Don't cast it like it's, you know, the paper on NBC. Don't do that. Those have a time and play. You're ruined. And that's fine.

And this is my take on the Widows Bay. And dude, this is not a movie or a TV show review thing. But it is what it is. There is a crazy guy at my gym. An absolutely insane person. And you know what? What about crazy people is?

I think we've probably. probably we've become so, you know, woke, retrospective, quote unquote, understanding, not jumping to conclusions to where it's affected our health and survival. Because here's the deal, dude. You can tell someone's crazy when you can tell they're crazy. and that is usually right away. And I stand by that, dude.

Like, I stand by that so much. And one time I said this and somebody, you know, I don't know if it was online or in person, they were like, oh, yeah. Oh, because Christaulia can just tell when somebody's crazy just by looking at them. Yeah, you can, dude. If you can't tell someone's crazy by looking at them,

you are not the fittest. There's a guy at my gym. Okay? Okay. He's fucking bonkers. And do you know why I know I saw him once? All right? He's always sweating. Now, let me tell you something. Okay. I knew he was crazy before this, but also this confirmed it. Every, every time at the gym, he's at the gym. He goes a lot of the time when I'm there, he's walking too fast. Okay. you know, hey, bud, first of all, chill the fuck out, slow it down. You know what I mean? He's dripping wet. That's fine.

That doesn't mean he's crazy. What doesn't mean is crazy is 70% of the time his exercises, he's upside down. Okay? So he's a bat. Hey, that does nothing, you stupid fuck. And I say stupid fuck now because here's the deal. You're like, whoa, you're coming out with a little hoarse. Okay.

So I am, this guy's always, I mean, I'm telling you, dude, he's on the Bosu ball upside down. He's on the chin up bar upside down. He's standing on his head for no reason upside down and his feet are touching the Smith bar, just upside down. He is upside down on the dip bar. None of this is made up, okay? The guy is a bat. okay yes they're done too much oh dude the world's the other way hey what the heck you torpedo turn around you torpedo in motion hey dude are you torpedo attacking no oh then turn around

yeah you can't be that up you can be upset down sometimes and you're not you know whatever so anyway he's the kind of guy that brings his own equipment to the gym too which is fine if you bring one or two things, but do not, and I'm telling you, don't bring something you put over your chest. Do not bring something you have to buckle like that and put a weight on and then go upside down. Whatever, bro. It's just like, let me tell you something about this guy and you're going to understand what he's like. He's the kind of guy that would be the most.

annoying guy to fight physically because he would never get tired and you would be like what the fuck dude you'd literally be like i just ripped his balls off and he's just still going is he in is he a terminator okay now he sucks all right but i didn't even tell you why he sucks yet i told him I'm telling you this because he's always upside down and I knew he was crazy from jump, okay? I don't know what his fucking name is, whatever. My gym is cool. I love my gym.

The people there are very nice. I talk to all of the trainers. I talk to, you know, there's some people there I even know from the real world. It's a cool gym, you know? Some of the people know my wife. often people come up to me and say, hey, dude, you know, I like your comedy.

I go, thanks. You know, it's just like, it's a great. It's a suburb. I'm not at, you know, fucking crunch in Times Square. I'm not at any time fitness in Hamilton, Ontario. You know what I'm saying? I'm in a place where 50-year-old ladies work out because they're bored.

And it's nice. Okay? Have you seen an upside-down guy? You came up with me once or twice. You seen them? Live. Oh, okay, good. Okay, so I'm working out.

I'm doing the hack squat. Now, recently has nothing to do with this story, but didn't realize that I was doing way more weight on the hack squat than I thought I was. Then I thought it was. Fine, that's fine. That's nothing. That's another hearing or there. But that's just like, watch out for my quads.

If you notice my quads getting bigger, that's the reason. I'm on the hack squat. There is a woman who is a pretty woman on the squat rack next to me. Okay? I'm going to tell you something else about this other guy who's the upside down guy, bat boy,

is he's, he's, walking too fast. Sometimes you'll do the thing. You know how like when you're in the gym and someone walks by you go, oh, excuse me. Oh, my bad. You know, that just happens because people are like exhausted walking my rates and shit. That guy, if I don't do that to that guy, it's probably happened four times. If I don't do that to that guy, he'll just check me. If I don't go, up, excuse me, every time I go up, excuse me, and I walk by, I'm like, was that guy even going to move? Is he a ghost? Hey, dude, we're going to bunk. What, what happens if I don't go up?

Excuse me. And I'm not doing that because of any other, like, I'm just, I'm, I'm a nice, I'm a nice guy. When I'm at the gym, I'm up, excuse me, up, you're using that, Megan? Some guy asked me today, hey, you mind if I sit in on that? I go absolutely working with me, dude. I'm not trying to get, you know, points here with God, but it's what's going on. So, um, so I'm at, so I'm at, I'm working out on this, on this hack squat.

to me this lady is there. But then while I'm doing the hack squat, this fucking upside down head guy is on his fucking bosu ball next to my hack squat, teeterin. And he's sword in the stone. It's like, dude, he's upside down and doing it with his legs like this,

upside down with the bosu bowl, like a fucking asshole, all right? Dude, it's nuts. And I wasn't going to talk about this on the podcast because I didn't want to give the guy the time of day. Turns out it's going to be the whole episode. Because, you know, I know some of the people in the gym also listen to the podcast. So, because they come up to me.

So you know who I'm talking about. That fucking bat guy. So, so guy, and you know, whenever I see a guy like this, I think, you know what? This is the kid on the, this was the kid on the playground that was so, fucking annoying. This was the kid where you're like, where you, where it's like you were chilling,

y'all had your friend group and all of a sudden in fifth grade, you were like, oh yeah, nobody's ever really paid attention to that guy. But boy, he's fucking actually awesome on the monkey bars. And then like get some like street cred from like flipping around and you're like, And you go, I've never seen that guy's parents.

That's who this guy is. Okay, I'm painting a picture. All right. He's probably my age, maybe a little older. I have no idea. So now the guy's doing the upside down Bosu ball thing kicking in the air like it's, I mean, the guy's just so, it's so, dude,

it's so annoying, dude. But whatever, fine. You work out hard, cool. He's also got bands and he does that thing where he does the ab roller and he's got bands attached to it. It's so annoying. You know, it's like so much for safety. He's like, oh, yeah, I got sick.

You know, this is why you do the, he's probably wearing a condom when he's working out. He's just like, you know, just in case. So I'm working out on this hack squat. He's there. I'm done. Oh, the lady at the squat rack says, um,

something to me about the weight on the hack squat and how it's heavier than the thing on the, uh, thing on the, how it's harder than. a squat, whatever. I'm like, oh, yeah, that's, yeah. And, um, and I'm like, whatever. So then I'm doing it. And then we have another thing where I'm like, yeah, it was hard to do this with that. And we have like two, three times. We're back and forth. She's right there. And this guy is also just upside down near us. Okay. So I do the hack squat, leave. And I go to Bulgarian split squats.

Quads. How, how you doing? Of course, that's a side note. But it's, if you're, if you're, if you're you're noticing that my quads are getting bigger from pictures on Instagram or viral TikTok videos from being on stage. That's why I don't want to talk about that, but that's what's happening. Okay. So I grab 260 one pound point six kettlebells in each hand and I crush these. All right. And then I go get a piece of water. I go get a go to the water fountain. Right. And I'm drinking water. And as I'm drinking water, the gym is fairly crowded. I wouldn't say it's packed, but it's, it's a, it's a, you know what? You walk and you go, this, this place, probably does some good business, you know.

So I'm at the water fountain, which is 50 feet, if that, away from the area that the hacks squad had done, that the lady was doing the thing, that the upside down guy was doing this bad shit. Okay. I'm drinking water. I do sometimes I don't bring a a bottle I go I you know I do it at the water fountain and I drink it and I'm drinking it and I don't you know I I work out hard I'm doing this I don't you know what did you do the thing where when you're when something happens and you're not paying attention and then I and then you go wait a minute and you kind of rewind time in your head and you go hey the energy

about five seconds ago was weird somehow. But I didn't do anything, right? Like, and then you notice, like, there's a person on the ground or something, right? And you're like, oh, how the fuck do they fall? Oh, yeah, okay. Now if I rewind it in my head, I actually can understand that I heard a tablefall and that and a cat scratched them, you know? So I feel this energy at the tail end of me slurping, the water.

And I kind of like look over to where this energy might be coming from. And I see this dude upside down guy walking fast. Now that's not weird for this guy. It is weird. But it is not weird for this guy because he always walks fast. But I'm now. looking at the squat rack where that lady was and she is she because he's walking away from her and she goes she's going she's i don't know what she was doing maybe she like took her shoes off

and she was putting them back on but she you know to to to get flat-footed you know how you doing it and she's going like this she's going literally her faces like this her jaw dropped okay and people are looking at her okay so that's the energy i felt something something and I don't know what okay I walk back over to where my uh uh something was I got and and and everyone's kind of like they're not like around her but they're looking at her I don't think anyone said anything to her after this but she looked stunned so I said y'all good what what happened and she says nothing So I say, oh, okay, you know, and I walk away.

Then I start finishing my Bulgarian split squats. If you notice my quadru getting bigger. And as I'm doing this, I see another dude I know at the gym. God, this story, it's got, you know what it's like? It's like the Marvel universe. It's like this is the starting movie. And this is going to branch out. There's going to be so many movies about this.

And there's going to be just, it's a tent pole production. And it's going to be offshoots of movies about me. Offshoots a movie about the lady. Offshoots a movie about this crazy guy who's the villain. You know what I mean? Offshoes movie about the dude that I know that I just introduced to you. Right. It's just going to be, it's the fucking, it's the gym universe.

You know what I'm saying? It's going to be the fitness universe is what it is. And it's going to make fucking no money. And so now I'm now the guy I know who I actually, I like this guy. He's there. And I don't know. I just get some people, you know, some people in the same respect that you see someone, you're like, oh, that guy's crazy because I know he is.

You meet another person and you go, oh, this guy's a totally normal, chill-ass guy. So this totally normal chill-ass guy is doing the stupid fucking exercise where you're standing on that thing and you're trying not to fall off. I don't know what the fuck. It makes your, I don't know what the hell it's for. Bowels or something. What are you doing? Oh, just loosening the bowels.

I'm working my rectum. you know what I'm talking about that one we just stand on it and then some assholes lay on it because they're like you can use it like this too you know and you're just like dude you're getting diarrhea on that fucking thing and uh so i now now that guy's on that and the lady at the uh squat rack is talking to him okay and i know that guy And that guy is going like this to that lady. He's going like this. And I'm right kind of close.

So I'm like, all right, I know that guy. I know something happened. What the fuck? Okay. So I walk up and I say, hey, uh, what's, uh, what are you guys talking about? Something happened with the? And the lady said, yeah. I was stunned.

so I said nothing happened, but what happened was, are you listening, by the way? You guys? Is that guy came up to me after you left the Hacks Squad? And he said to her, is that your dude? Okay? And she said, no. And he said, okay, because just so you know,

you could do much better. You could do much better. And he is often talking to all of the trainers, like the female trainers and stuff. He's not, he, you could do much better. You don't, he doesn't deserve you. And she says, she said, oh, well, that's not my guy. I'm not with that guy.

And he huffed and puffed and walked away. Okay. And my jaw goes, just, I mean, I am the mask when he turns into a dog with the jaw hitting the table. Okay? I mean, I, like, dude, I could, okay, I go, I go, I go, what? She says, yeah. And I says, okay. And in my head, I go, I got a fucking sake.

something to this guy, I guess. Right? So, so, so the guy who I know on the thing working on his bowels, the, the nice guy, I say, he says, you know what, yeah, that guy's really agro. And I was like, oh, you have a thing with him? And he was like, yeah, he was like staring at me a lot at the at the gym uh oh no in the locker room and i didn't understand why he was staring at me so when you walked by i said hey man how you doing and the dude goes like this to me fine like that and i was like jesus okay and i know he's been kicked out of uh uh was it was it uh like 24-hour fitness or lifetime fitness or whatever the hell it was.

Before, because they told me. Oh, he said my friend told me that used to work out there that works out here now. And I said, if you get caught, if you get fucking thrown out of 24-hour fitness, you deserve,

I mean, you're not a person in society. You got to pack it up. You know what you do? Get a cabin in the woods. What are you doing? What kind of a fucking derelict? Do you have to be to get kicked out of a fucking 24-hour fitness

or a planet fitness or whatever fuck it was? I don't remember crunch. All you have to do if you have a 24-hour fitness membership to stay at, trust me, I've had a membership for a hour fitness. You can't even get rid of it. you literally call, say, hey, like, you actually have to come in and we need nine forms of ID. And we need a sample of blood. And you go, no, I had to cancel my credit card.

So I canceled that. They were like, no, you have to come in. I'm like, oh, I'm not coming in. That's my part. Just fucking. They're like, no, you have to actually come in. What you have to do is we have a really, you know, she's unfortunate looking, but you have to inseminate her, a woman. And then nine months later, there's a baby.

And then we keep it for our records. And you go, I just don't want to come anymore. You can't get kicked out of Twitter. the only thing you have to do is not fuck anyone in the locker rooms and don't shit on the floor and even still shitting on the floor i think it happens and the people don't really care at a 24-hour fitness okay so so i say oh my god that's crazy so now i'm like maybe i don't say something to the guy because I don't you know well first of all my whole thing is all right take a breather don't say anything right now I feel like that's good advice for anyone if something's going on and you're

feeling heated if no one's in immediate danger just take a breath think about what what just happened for 10 minutes okay so I do that and then I go he's crazy he's obviously crazy person and props to for no one right away when I saw him, dude, even before the upside down shit. And then so I go, uh, all right, um, maybe I won't say something to him this time. Maybe I'll say something to do next time, right? Because everything will be calmer. Maybe I'll catch them before we go into the gym. Like, I don't want it to be in the gym because I don't want, I don't want to get kicked out. I don't know what the hell is going to happen, you know, really being thoughtful about this whole process. So I go home and, and,

let my muscles grow. I don't do much. I eat. I sleep. I wake up the next day. And then I go to the gym today. Hey guys. I want to talk to you about our sponsor, Legends.

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Use the code, congrats. And remember, keep it legendary. And when I go to the gym, upside down, guys, not there. the lady's not there but you know who's there Mr. Nice Face guy he's there the guy who I can tell is just a chill ass guy

right and he walks up to me and he says hey man any more run-ins with that dude and I said no no is he here and he said nah I don't think so and he said

you know I didn't tell you yesterday but He did the exact same thing to me when I was chit-chatting with a friend of mine who happened to be a woman at this gym. I walked away. He walked up to her and said, is that your dude? And she said, no. And he said, well, you could do much better and walked away.

And I'm like, hey guy. work on yourself. This is what I'm talking about, how craziness, dude, if you are stewing as a crazy person, that's on you.

Do it in your own body. Okay? Don't be fucking disruptive, asshole. All right? So I'm like, this guy did the same thing to you. And do you know,

like, that wasn't your girl? He's like, no, it's just a girl. that I like I kind of know and I'm and I'm like how the fuck I go to a high-end gym hey God or get out because first of all you're bat shit crazy and second of all you're a bat because you're always upside down everything about you's bad okay yep side down 80% of the

time you're in this establishment fucking flip around walk out God that these motherfuckers, dude. And so I'm like, oh my God. And then he says, yeah, apparently the managers here have had to talk to him, gave him a warning already. And I'm like, because that's the other thing. I don't want to be a bitch and go to management and be like, yo, I got to. But you kind of, at some point, it's like, you know,

it's like when you're in rooms, when you're in a hotel room and the people next door, it's 3.m. And it's Tuesday and they're fucking listening. to fucking holla, hollo. Everybody want them money and make dollar, dollar. Everybody want everybody when they make, biddy, bidder. And you're just like, bro, what the? Why are they partying?

And there's a we share a wall. And you don't want to, you know, you, the bitch move is and everyone does it. And it's kind of okay to do it because of a bunch of reasons. But you call down and you say, hey, the people next to me are partying. And it's annoying. Can you get security going on? When the actual thing that should be.

be okay to do, even though you have to worry about safety and all that shit, the thing, the real thing to do should be on this planet is to just walk over there and be like, hey, guys, I'm trying to sleep. You might keeping it down? And they go, yeah. But that, we all know that that doesn't happen. Because the person doesn't go, yeah, of course. They go, oh, what?

And they go, oh, yeah, we didn't mean to. And you go, thanks. And you go to sleep and they don't turn it down. And then you, you know, it's like, so you just get security to do it. it so they fucking do it, right? But it's like, I don't want to do that because like, I want to be super zen about it. I want to be Mr. Chill. I want to be fucking, you know, I do me. You do you, dude. But when you're, you infringes on me, it's like, don't make me, I don't want to be caring. So now I'm like, do I just, because like in the 80s, you would just fight this guy.

You would just fight. You would fight. There was no man on the planet that had the temperament, didn't have the temperament where you go, he said what? Oh, I'll be right back. And you go walk up. And then you either beat the shit out of him or get laid out. And you go, oh, this is actually your gym now. I'll leave. But it's 2026, you know, and you go, oh, I got to take it up with God. I got to pray about it. I got to pray to God that he'll fucking put in a little inception idea in the manager's head about talking to the guy. otherwise everyone's getting sued but you know I don't know

I'm I I what the fuck you know what my favorite thing about you know what my favorite thing about a guy saying like you could do much better than that guy this is my favorite thing about that guy

about a guy that does that because that's a type of guy that that kind of guy is a bitch there is a bitch there is zero kind of guy that like Jeremy Piven does that up and down the fucking street he'll just walk around you know like I can do much better than you and then he'll go out and just fucking get a girlfriend and cheat on her you know what I mean like you're a piece of shit but like there is that is the most shit thing to do right but the guy when a guy does that what they mean is what what that means is to what this guy means to be saying is hey be with me that's what that means

like when a guy says oh uh that guy doesn't deserve you what that means is you're saying i i do and you're like oh yeah man oh yeah oh oh yeah oh dude any woman that says that guy doesn't deserve you if you're a woman to listen to this, you go like this. Oh, do you mean I should be with you? Oh, you mean I should be with you. You're fucking 5-7 or whatever, you know, if they are. I'm just saying, point out to look at your shoes, you whack bitch. You know what I'm saying?

You're wearing Brooks and not the new kind. Yeah, Brooks has been coming up lately, but you're wearing Brooks from 2019, dude, with ankle socks. Oh, oh, should I be with you? You're saying I'm too good for that guy. I'm so good that I should be with you. A guy wearing Brooks shoes from 2019 before they even done came up? No, your dick is dry and then leave.

What do you drive? Not that it matters, I'm not a gold digger, but what do you drive? No, I'm not a good. Oh, a sonata. So I deserve, so what you're saying is, I deserve to be a passenger in a sonata. Right?

Get out of here, dry dick, and then go off with the dude that doesn't deserve you. And what I want, you got, and it might be hard to handle. Just suck him off. Do the twisty shit. Dudes are bitches too in 2006. I swear to God, just fucking God, you know, it's like, so it is what it is. And I wasn't even gonna talk about this today, but whoopsie Daisy. I, it's just sometimes it's in me and it just has to come out.

Friggin' be. Then I start thinking, like, if I was, what if I was crazy? What if I was nuts, right? because you don't really you don't really hear the stories about the two nuts guys you hear the story about the one nuts guy because the guy who's not nuts

is the one who tells you this story you know but there are times when two nuts guys interact and then what did that what happened is there if I was nuts and I was just like okay say no more

gonna make that guy's living hell And then I was crazy to him. And then I, you know, whatever it is, they fucking key his car, stab his tires and fucking, you know, try to find out who his mom is and fucker,

you know, just whatever it is. It's like, because, I mean, you know, people do that shit. But it's like,

you don't hear about those stories because those guys both wind up dead. But I don't know. Yeah. I should fuck his mom. wherever she is, like fly there. Just get someone else to befriend him. Get a hot chick to befriend him.

Hey, what's up? Is that you with the sonata that drove in? Are you your upside down guy at the gym, right? At the sonata dealership. Is that you, excuse me? I'm upside down. Bat boy? Oh my God.

You have a sonata too? Sonata. dude dude what even is a sonata a week ago I thought I swear to God a week ago I thought

a sonata is a car that that's the sentence I thought in my head walking somewhere and then I go gotta remember sonata for when I have to talk about a car I'm gonna use it I'm gonna make it a sonata

because that's funny and this is that moment okay But, but, uh, yeah, I'm just, I should set him up. Hey, what are you that? You wouldn't buy any chance to be that guy, that cool guy who's like 80% of the time upside down on a bowsoo ball at the gym. Right.

Yes. No. Super sweaty, always walking around, almost hitting people with your shoulder. That's you, right? Yeah. Oh my God. How are you? Yeah, I'd love to hang out.

Sure. And then they go to a brunch. Yeah, sir. He's like, yeah, you know, I grew up in, you know, I grew up in, um, uh, uh, uh, Naples. But then, you know, my family moved up to, uh, Sarasota. So, you know, my mom's still there. And you know. Yeah, she's 68. Um, yeah.

That lady reports back to me. Drive to her sonata. I got him. Her mom is, is, is in. Sarasota, Florida. This is her address. Boop, Bob, Bob. And you'll notice it's her house

because there will be a fucking maroon sonata parked out in front of it. And I just fucking chill at the local bar. This, you know what? This would be, I should write this movie, dude. It's like falling down,

but with degenerates. I mean, he's the degenerate in that. But you kind of agree. You agree with Michael Douglas and falling down. You agree with Michael doesn't say, probably not. But you don't agree with this guy because you go, you know, my, my character, my main character, you go, he's just got a family and he is going to go to Sarasota to fuck this 68 year old guy's mom. He's got responsibilities.

His kids miss him. And I'm just at the rusty crab drinking fucking, uh, non-alcoholic beer and stopping by the local deli that you know mrs batwoman you know and i fucking go hey how's it going i see her she's at the fucking coffee shop she's upside down are you are do you have a hey how you doing and then we we we hit it off and then we have a good time you know and i'm 68 she's 68 i'm 46 she's like you're you know you're young for me and i go yeah i'm not really that young, though. I'm 46. It's not like I'm 25, you know, 68. It's like, I know what I'm doing. She's like, this is crazy. It's like, I know you've turned my whole world upside down.

And that's the thing that hits her, you know, because she's like, and then we just move in for the kiss. And then I, you know, I fucking date her for a while, too. Like, I just straight up date her for a while. And I don't even want to, but I'm doing it because I'm also crazy. Okay? And I sleep with the guy's mom, multiple times. You know? I take fucking selfies with each other and I go to, you know, hey, get a picture of me and your sonata.

Then I take it, air drop at her. I don't give a fuck, you know? You might be like, oh, yeah, but what about his kids and his wife at home? Yeah, but he checked with his wife. It's fine. She understands that this is a mission he needs to do that, make him a man.

Like, you know, you have the scene with the wife and she's like, I mean, I guess I don't, you know, I don't really want you to go, but if it's really going to be something that you can't stop ruminating about, sure, you can go to Sanana for three weeks. You can go to Sarasota for three weeks, you know? And then I just fucking, you know,

I don't, I don't just fuck her, though. I make love. Like I, and it's not real because I don't love her, but she loves me, you know? And then I just, one day I'm just like, yo you know what we can't be together and she says what what why why and i say because you deserve someone so much better and then i just leave and her heart's broken and that sucks for her but she's a casualty of the dice game and then i go back to the gym and i'm working out an upside down bat guy

doing his thing in the Bosu ball and walks by me. And this time I don't go, oh, excuse me, pardon me. I keep walking, like, I'm an apparition too. And we bonk. And he goes, hey, man, what the fuck? And I say, Stephen? And he says, how do you know my name? And I say, because over the past three weeks,

I've been in Sarasota dating your mom. and fucking her, and I even made love to her a few times. And he then understands. He understands. Whereas, yes, I'm crazy. What I did was wrong. And it shouldn't have been done. But he's also culpable a little bit.

Yeah, it wouldn't happen if I wasn't around at all. But it also wouldn't have happened if you just weren't an asshole. So whoops. Your mom got done, made love to. You know, it's time to really do this kind of, you know, mental warfare. Mental warfare, dude. Fuck this shit.

People docs online. People fucking, fuck all that. I'm talking about mental. anguish. You know, something that you can't shake. He's not going to be able to shake that. The dude's probably my age.

The rest of his life, he's going to be like, oh, fuck. Last time I was an asshole, this guy fucking dated my mom for three weeks. For fuck sake, he flew to Sarasota. I can't get the picture of him

and my mom in her sonata out of my head. And every few months, I text it to him. He changed his number. Two. Hey, dude, me and your mom in the sonata just so you know. How fucking bowed it would that be? How about it would that be?

Oh, it would be so fucking bout it. Bada, about it. Dude, be the other crazy guy. You know, I don't know. This is all a... I should write that book. I should write... That should be a book.

I should either write the book or the screenplay and then just make AI make the movie. Whatever. life is life and you got to have fun with it. And I'll tell you what, this is the, you know, me even coming up with these ideas and this podcast is therapy. I used to do therapy. I don't do therapy anymore.

I'm not therapy. Now I just think a lot more and I'm also doing three podcasts. Because this shit is therapeutic. You know what this is going to make me do? Not give a fuck about that guy. doing this talking to you guys however many people listen to it on Apple how many people listen to on Spotify

people watch it on YouTube there tons of people listen to this podcast you're all going to be like yeah dude that guy's a fucking asshole that's enough for me that's enough for me now into the ether people know about this

and that guy's mom doesn't have to get dated right anyway happy Memorial Day you know know. I hope you're having a good one. Of course, it's Memorial Week now. Oh, by the way, I'm going to be in San, no, Miami, D.C., Nashville. I didn't do my dates. I'm going to be in Pittsburgh. I got a bunch of places. Philly's getting scheduled. I'm doing a casino out there. Vegas and, yeah, and Salt Lake City. So yeah, you come into Vegas, yeah?

Yeah. So I'm going to put that wise guys there in Vegas. I love that club. Great name for a club, wise guys. Great name for a club. So anyway, dude, I'm sweating now. But that's, you know what? Here's the other thing about this podcast.

I can't believe that I was going to not talk about that. What the fuck was I going to talk about? When shit like that happened, you know, the whole day, too, I was like, that's a crazy fucking thing. whatever. I want to, oh, did you see the enhanced games? Anybody? Is it worth it? To me, it sounds like something, I didn't see the enhanced games. To me, it sounds something that just isn't, it's going to fall flat. And it's, and here's the reason, like, you know what it reminds me of is the, what was that football league they tried to make at the XFL? It reminds me of that

and, and I'm not saying there'll never be an enhanced games, but I'm saying we're not there yet. like you you you we've got to make these dudes look like B-Bop and rock steady you know what I'm saying? Or or or why do I care if a guy was just gained 10 pounds of muscle? You know, I put myself in the AI. I take pictures of my chest and my back and shit and I put it into chat chbtee.

I say add 10 pounds of muscle. I, you know, I look muscular. But like honestly, when it comes down to it, Who cares? Now, add 40 pounds of muscle and a fucking horn on my nose, then yeah, I'll watch the enhanced games. But yeah, I just don't think it's ready yet. Football is already so dangerous. Oh, yeah, but they're doing flips and fucking, there's a guy with the name, he hate me on the team.

Oh, dude, there's fucking, isn't there a guy named? Dude, even in the 80s, there was a guy named Orange Juice who played football. You know? The football names are crazy now. Dequanica, the quant, you know, it's just the quantcha. The quantia, that's a guy. And you're going to be like, yeah, but look, XFL's, it's not crazy enough. Didn't the rock put money into that?

The rock, dude. The rock and, you know, uh, uh, uh, what's his name? Pedro Pascal, these things that, this thing, these things that happen in Hollywood. where you have to like, you know, this guy comes up and you go, there he, like remember when the rock, this was like probably 2003 or four.

Sorry, 2013, 14, when people were like, the rock's fucking cool, man. The rock's great. He's just like,

fun, big, he's a cartoon. He plays himself. And that's so cool. You know, that turns into, man, the rock sucks. He's just big and a fucking cartoon and always plays himself. Fuck the rock.

And that's just like a week. Like, you could like somebody for years. And then just one week, the internet goes, ah, fuck him. And that's what they do now. And that's what they did to Pedro Pascal. Immediately. The guy was in nine movies and everyone goes,

you know what? Fuck it. Fuck him. They don't even think of them from Game of Thrones. They just go, that guy's in too many movies. He's four trans children.

I fucking hate him. And he wears tinted sunglasses. And it's like, dude, that's a person. That's a person. You know? That's why I don't. That's why I'm that's that's why everybody's a person.

That's why I'm not going to date that guy's fucking mom. Because dude, everyone, if you knew everybody's story, you'd forgive them all. You really would. You would, you would, you would. I don't know if you'd forgive like, you know, the fucking Mussolini's and Hitler's. But, you know, it's like, I'm talking about just pretty much interpersonally, like people that you see it sprouts. Like when they cut you in line, you're like, this motherfucker. or you're like, if you knew their story,

you know, maybe, maybe somebody who, maybe somebody who caught in line killed his mom. And now they think that it's their right. And you know what? Okay. But I was listening to, uh, Phil Collins, uh,

on the way home from my parents yesterday. And I had the kids with me. And Billy asked to play the one song. I didn't know what song he was talking about. And Calvin said, oh, um, I don't want to say it. And I was like, why? He's like, I don't know. I don't know what it is.

it is and I said, just tried to say it. And he said, studio. I was like, I don't listen to studio? So we listened to it and we were playing and dude, it was so cute because we were watching, we were listening to it. Studio and the, and the fucking, um, I look behind me and Billy was behind the passenger seat in his car seat and he was going. And any time he would go, Philcons will say studio, Billy would go through studio and it melted

my heart every time. I put the, what do you call it, the rear view mirror down so I could see his face and he would just be like, doesn't even go, studio, studio. And it was late too, because he didn't know when it comes in. So Phil Garland was go,

so, so, so, do you go, studio. Dude, it was so funny. And then we listened to it when we got home. And I kind of want to have a dance party, but Calvin never once have a dance party. and Billy will have a dance party. But anyway, you know, that's that.

And thanks for listening to me, my stories. Go get tickets at chrissy.com. I'll be there soon where you are, because I'm going everywhere. I dropped European dates. I dropped, you know, I'm going to Naples in February. I got a fucking bunch of different booking more Florida stuff.

So just go check it out on my website. Thank you very much. Appreciate you. Sign up for the Patreon, too. It keeps this show going. Appreciate you.