Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 51. Practice Some Be Quiets

Episode Date: January 15, 2018

It's the 51st episode! On today's show, Chris talks about the way people react when you joke about religion. Also discussed: the movie Love and a Bullet, Hawaiian culture, the controversial Emily Ratajkowski ad, "shithole countries", and more. And of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. Everyone knows therapy is great for solving problems. But turns out, therapy has some issues of its own. Finding the right therapist, fitting into their schedule, and, of course, the cost. BetterHelp can help solve these problems. It's online, convenient, built around your schedule, and surprisingly affordable, too. Connect with a credentialed therapist by phone, video, or online chat. Visit BetterHelp.com to learn more.

That's BetterHelp.com. meeting with friends before the show, we can book your reservation. And when you get to the main event, skip to the good bit using the card member entrance. Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. This episode of Congratulations, episode 51,

is brought to you by the Cash App. Listen, we started this thing. Do you want to get paid $5 and also give $5 to charity? Right now, if you download the Cash App and enter the reward code congrats, you'll receive $5. And the Cash App will send $5 to the Time's Up Legal Defense Fund. Cash App will send $5 to the Time's Up Legal Defense Fund. And I think that's great because I think that's a really important charity that people should be in support of. And we are here at the Congratulations Podcast.

And we'll talk about Cash App later on in the show. But download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. This episode is also brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron is the leading meal kit delivery service in the U.S. Right now through February 26, Blue Apron is teaming with Whole30 to bring you delicious recipes. The menu will feature two Whole30-approved recipes each week, like Mexican Spiced Barramundi with avocado. Had it.

It was great. And chicken lettuce cups with avocado and kale and sweet potato salad. So get the new year started with Blue Apron and Whole30. Blue Apron is treating my listeners to their first three meals a $30 value with your first order if you visit blueapron.com slash congrats. So check out this menu and get your $30 off with free shipping at Blueapron.com slash congrats. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. So like, what's up guys um episode 51 um um the uh it's another week in babyville um hold my back not getting any better pretty cool pretty cool how it's getting literally zero better every day.

So that's great. And, you know, a lot has happened this week and a lot happens every week now because the world is so fucked up. I mean, you know, it gets it's's funny too, because when I start this podcast, sometimes I think about how, oh shit, what am I going to talk about? And then I sit here with one fire and he's like, well, this happened. And then that leads to that. And then we're like, oh shit, all these things fucking are happening. And, uh, and it's, it's the craziest world we live in, man. And it's the only world we live in and we. And it's the only world we live in.

And we better take care of it or something. You know how they say? Everyone's always loving to be fucking so holier than thou. Dude, I was watching a movie called Love and a Bullet. And I think when people ask me now what my favorite movie is, I'm going to say Love and a Bullet. And it's with Tretch from Naughty by Nature. And it's funny too because when Tretch, the movie Juice, which kind of put Tupac on the scene as an actor,

he was really great in the movie. And I think as the story goes, I don't know how true this is, but I heard this, I read this. It was like they were auditioning. It was Tretch and he went in and auditioned for the part and then tupac went in and they knew each other and tupac went in and auditioned for this part in juice and tretch knew hearing through the wall the way tupac did it that he was going to get the part because he was just so fucking good and he did get the part and he went on to fucking kill the role. You know I'm a huge Tupac fan, but Trach went on to do Love and a Bullet,

and it is tonally my favorite movie because it's a mess. I don't know. I've seen it twice now. I don't know if it's a comedy or not. I straight up don't know. I don't know if it's a comedy or not. I straight up don't know. I'm a comedian. I kind of pride myself on knowing if something is taking the piss. I don't know.

I literally have no idea. I posted two clips on this movie on Instagram. I mean, I kept rewinding it, laughing and shit, sending it to... I mean, Tretch is so badass. He's so badass in this movie. It's unbelievable. And he'll be like, dude, you got to watch this movie, man. I mean, first of all, it released...

I actually looked this up last night. It grossed $18,000, almost $19,000. Huge failure. thousand dollars almost nineteen thousand dollars huge failure in 14 theaters bad uh the poster is the worst poster i've ever seen in my life his legs are spread so far you know what i mean and he's being so hardcore dude and like why is he oh manretch, loving the bullet. Tretch. First of all, I'm a big Naughty by Nature fan. And – oh, Tretch is from Naughty by Nature, the rap group and he finds this girl assassin and he's like, I got to get out this life, man, and just make a family with this girl. And then the girl dies, but she dies off screen. Like the movie is about the two of them.

She dies off screen and he's like, she never showed up for dinner. I guess she died or some shit. And then he goes on and, like, kills everybody. And they do, like, breakdance killing. Like, they do shooting. I mean, it's so badass. You've got to watch this movie. It's, like, the worst gun safety.

The worst gun discipline i mean dude they have the the guy who was the original black power ranger shooting him i mean tretch there's one move where tretch put plants his palm down and then fucking kicks his legs up in the air and shoots and then he i mean you got to go on my instagram and look at this shit dude he grabs fucking steam pipes on the on the ceiling and jumps up on them and then shoots the black power ranger guy it's the worst like he'd be dead in four seconds you know and it's so funny and and the and the one i never when i was in my um when i was watching the movie there's a scene in the movie where he's having dinner with his girl and she's like they're like being sexy talking and shit like that and then she and then he he walks he gets up and walks

to the back of the room and then like starts unbuttoning his shirt, like being sexy. First of all, it's so, it's just not sexy when a guy's trying to be sexy. You know what I mean? That's the least sexy a guy can be is if a guy is aware of how sexy he is, right? And so he's unbuttoning the shirt and then he's like undoing the pants. And then it cuts back to her like, damn. And then it cuts back to him. Hmm damn. And then it cuts back to him. Why do I keep saying cutbacks?

It cuts back to him. And he's fully nude, full frontal, and his cock is out. He has no clothes on. And his dick is out for no reason. And it's just a full shot of his body. And he's naked. for no reason and it's just a full shot of his body and he's naked i don't know if it was his idea or or if it was in the script that way or why like the tone of this movie is so fucked i don't know is if it's supposed to be funny or if people are supposed to be like

oh damn that's kind of like aggressive and hot that he did that like if girls were supposed to be like damn dude it's the funniest movie I've ever seen. Ever. It's such a shame. Like comedians and I and comedians, we work so hard to craft jokes and make people laugh and we will never be as funny as that movie by mistake. That's the fucked up thing. I would watch that movie. I'm'm gonna watch it every night in 2018

i mean dude she dies off screen she's a major character in the movie dies off screen and then he's like she never showed up i was about to ask her to it's all voiceover of course he's like and every voiceover i feel like every voiceover starts with this damn you know damn i guess life isn't the way i turned i thought it was gonna turn out maybe i could have a family but this life keeps sucking me back in i mean dude what we're pulling it up right now the naked shot why the candle lights the light the candle light and he's oh dude oh and i forgot the bad guy in it is like just some guy's uncle he's like the mob boss and he and at the end of the movie he starts calling him a treach the n-word and it's like sad a place he's like oh my god dude

he was like i want you to go kill somebody. Dude, you just got to watch it, man. I really can't do it. I can't do it justice, but it's so fucking funny. Love and a Bullet. Please watch that movie. We got to have bad movie nights. I know we had it once, but me and my buddies, including Wanted Fire,

we were going to have bad movie night and just watch it we watch this other movie called what was it condor the fuck was it called something like condor oh these movies are so bad they're better than good movies though good movies just suck you know music all in the right place should tell you how to feel um the one thing that uh dude did you guys hear about what happened in hawaii how everyone on their iphone with iphones or phones or whatever they got alerts that there was a missile coming inbound and that they should take shelter everybody on their phones and it wasn't true like whoever hit the button just hit the button. And it said ballistic missile threat inbound to Hawaii.

Seek immediate shelter. This is not a drill. And it wasn't true. Emergency update threat. There is no missile threat or danger to the state of Hawaii. Repeat, false alarm. I mean, you know, who's in that fucking room tom green like what worst mistake ever dude never a worse mistake than that somebody just leaned up against

the button also why is the button so specific how many buttons do they have that they're like oh this is the one for the ballistic missile dude it's so that i would lose nah well i don't know what the fuck i'd lose my mind that's so fuck dude i would i i there's video of it online people screaming and shit i'm sure i would have i would have and then they were like just kidding sorry and then go back to listening to hawaii to haw to Hawaiian music everywhere in Hawaii. Dude, if you've been to Hawaii, I swear to God, they play up the fucking Hawaiian music so much. We get it. We get it.

We're in Hawaii. You'll be at a library and it'll be like. You can't get away from it, dude. In a Walgreens, just... This dancing, you know? The hula? Sobsolete. Dude, the hula dancing, you know?

It's part of the culture here in Hawaii. Do the Harlem Shake. Dab a little bit. Hey, take off the grass skirt, bro. Put on pants. Take off that donut of flowers on your forehead and put on pants. You know why? You don't.

Also, stop playing instruments that are completely wooden and I have no idea what they are. So many wood, dude. Hawaiians will make instruments out of wood things and it doesn't matter what shape they are. It literally doesn't matter what shape they are and they'll just slap them. And that's the music. And then they'll call themselves a warrior i love how you go to hawaii and shit i was in a luau last time i went to hawaii i went to a luau dude it was the worst fucking thing i ever saw in my life i had to watch grown men slapping fucking wooden instruments i had never seen and they were just like,

Wicca la la hera, whip a la la hera. And then the lady with the plastered fucking smile comes up and she's just like, Here in Hawaii. And I'm just like, Say Hawaii. Here in Hawaii.

This is the dance of the warrior. And then they get all aggressive and they're like, Ooh la la la la la la la. Ooh la la la la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. And they're covering their cock precariously with some towels. And the girls have fucking shells over their tits. Hey, get a shirt. Ah, cool. Fucking, you know, a shell fall off a tree and you put it on your tits.

Get a tank top. Zip it up. Don't wear a hat that's bigger than you. Dude, you got fucking leaves on you. Hey, man, the only place leaves should be touching is under your feet. Did the second leaves get above your feet? Put them back down. Wee-ka-la-ka-lay-la.

Oh, yeah? Wee-ka-la-ka-lay-la. Dude, and they're all in unison and shit. This is the warrior dance. Imagine going to fucking fight, motherfuckers, with guns and missiles and shit, with ballistic missiles. And they're just like, get the warriors.

Here come the ballistic missiles. Fuck, hold on. Let me get my fucking leaves. Wee-ka-la-ka-lay-la. Wee-pa-la-pa-lay-la. Dude, cover your cocks. Here comes the ballistic missile. Hoo-la-la-la. Hoo-ka-lay-la. Wee-pa-la-pa-lay-la. Dude, cover your cocks. Here comes the ballistic missile. Hoo-la-la-la-la.

Hoo-la-la-la-la. Hoo-la-la-la-la. Hoo-la-la-la-la. And they clap in your face and then bah. They clap in your face and then bring a fucking shaking hand back to the back of their head, you know? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Dude, get your grass skirts.

Here comes North Korea. Ooh, la, la, la, la. Ooh. Shoot him, mom. Hey, man, shoot him. Guy's wearing leaves as a skirt. Kill him. Fucking all dead with a fucking wreath around your head, you know?

Like a roasted pig somewhere in the vicinity. Dude, when I was at the luau, they were like, come join us, eat the roasted pig. And it was like the pig's face. No. Hey, dude, make it bacon. Dude. Oh, my God, look at what they're doing.

They're taking shits. Dude, make it bacon. Dude. Oh my God, look at what they're doing. They're taking shits. Dude. Make it bacon. If I could see the animal's face, cut the head off. Dude, on the video podcast, we'll show you how it looks like they're taking shits. It looks like it's so hot on the ground and they keep hopping. Oh, fucking. Dude, you know Hawaiians are so good at fucking though because they care so much

dude they have so much passion man who has more passion than fucking warriors in hawaii who who who who honestly nobody has more passion than somebody who would wear fucking grass for real the love you know because you know when hawaiians fuck they think about shit like the sun you know they're just like we have a fireball above us wakalela i have to get going sorry I can't stay the night. With the grass skirt. So long.

Let me get my hat. Do you know where... Next time I come over, let's watch a movie with The Rock in it. Take care. Where are my shoes? Oh, yeah, I didn't bring them. So long. I'm going to run home now.

Where do you live? 21 miles away. I'll be done. I'll be done. I'll be home by sunup. Wicca la la hela. Wicca la la hela. Meep my na na hela. Wicca la la hela.

Meep my na na hela. Meep my na na hela. And then he gets mugged on the way home. Hoo-ah. Hoo-ah. I'm a warrior. And they just shoot him. And he fucking his cock flops out of his grass shirt, grass skirt. Dude, when I went to Hawaii last time, there were people at the airport and they're like, here's a lay.

And I'm like, get that fucking thing off me, man. Hey, don't put something around my neck. Have I ever met you? Don't put something around my neck. Dude, do you know my first name? No? Don't put something around my neck. Dude, Hawaii, bro.

Hawaii. You know? That's amazing. It's beautiful, man. Maui's the best. I went to Maui and then I went to another one. Don't know. It's disrespectful.

But went, did shows. Guess if the crowds were rowdy or not. Yep. Rowdy. Calling out shit. I literally did no material and just talked about the people in the crowd because couldn't did the comedy store last night and the night before dude the comedy store lineup look at this comedy look at this um look at this lineup that is was the

other night i think it was the best lineup best announced lineup that i'd ever been a part of now i'm in my iphone pictures now here's the most annoying part it goes to memories now i never want to know about the, what do you call it? It in order, in chronological order when I took the pictures. Okay, here's the lineup of the other night. You guys are missing out. I mean, I'm talking about if you're a fan of comedy, you need to literally leave where you are, make a vacation, fly to the comedy store to see these fucking lineups. All right. you are make a vacation fly to the comedy store to see these fucking lineups all right mo mandel bobby lee paulie shore tom segura me bill burr neil brennan joe rogan joey diaz

jason galern jamar neighbors mike young eleanor kerrigan brenton biddlecomb jack knight don barris pop in whit Whitney Cummings. I don't know if Whitney showed up or not. But those guys right there, I mean, any one of those guys is in the middle, you go see for like $100 in a theater somewhere. And they're all at the comedy store. somewhere and they're all at the comedy store i i it's like i don't these other clubs can't compete man they're amazing i i dude i'm an established comedian i'm like dude i gotta fucking bring it i gotta i'm like i don't even know if like i'm like i don't even belong here man i say announced

lineup because sometimes you go and chape and Chris Rock will show up and shit. And you're like, okay. Oh, cool. It's weird being there every night when I'm in town and thinking about how like these are the guys like Chappelle and Chris Rock and whoever the fuck else are the guys that were, you know, Richard Pryor and George Carlin. I mean, these are, these guys, the generation,

our generation, these, they're, they're our guys from our generation and to be on lineups and shit with them and to think about how, you know, it's like history, dude,

it's so wild. I try to think about that as much as possible because I don't want to be, you know, it's like history, dude. It's so wild. I try to think about that as much as possible because I don't want to be, you know, I never want to let it get to my head or think about like, you know. Everyone at the comedy store is really cool, man. Like the comics and shit, like they keep it cool. Like there's, you know, everyone has an ego, but like nobody like lets it get out of control. I mean, we all have egos, but like nobody lets it get out of control. Like nobody lets anybody fucking do dumb shit. Like it really feels like we're connected.

Like it's a, I don't want to say fraternity because that sounds like I hate fraternities. But like, or sororities, you know, there's chicks there too. Don't mean to offend. you know there's chicks there too don't mean to offend um but i want to talk about that i have that in my notes actually um but uh anyway uh it's just amazing i mean joe rogan bill burr all these guys and then you're on a lineup with them it's great i remember when i was thrown into the comedy store the guy who was the booker really like was a fan of mine and like really wanted to give me the stage time i had no business going in between these guys but i would go to like you know i would go in between like dove davidoff and fucking john caparillo um and just fight for my fucking fight these guys would be murdering and they'd be like, give it up for Chris Lee.

And they didn't even know who I was. And I'd have to go in and just fucking try and do well. And try and murder. At that point, I would just try and murder. And yeah, it was crazy, man. I mean, Dove at that point was like, I had never seen anybody like him. Dove Davidoff, fucking hilarious. You know, John Caparulo, I never said fucking three words to the guy,

but he never really said three words to me either. But, yeah, I mean, these guys would murder, dude. Who else was on the lineup back then? Oh, Sebastian was killing brett ernst who is fucking hilarious you guys gotta follow the comedian brett ernst uh the guy's just great i don't see him in town too much because he's on the road a lot but the guy's hilarious man if you can i'm sure there's clips of him online the guy says he's a storyteller and he's just so funny man i love brett ernst um i told you about

fucking you guys also got to check out nikki glazier i know that i told you her about her the other day but she's so fucking funny man um, yeah, so it's great. I mean, Brett's face, you know, on that thing. Uh, so, uh, what else happened, dude? You know what actually, what else happened? Actually, you know what? Let me do these fucking ads and then I'll get into it. Yeah. Cash app. The cash app is the number one finance app in the app store probably because all of our cult members here have been switching or maybe it's because it's the best way to pay people back uh friends family co-workers comedians anyone sending and receiving money is totally free and fast and most payments can be uh deposited directly into the bank account in seconds

new cash card is a black debit card uh that you can design yourself via the app. It's really cool. People have been making them and sending them screenshots to me and somebody like writes, makes art on it like with the cult and stuff and like put no kudas on there and stuff on their card. It's funny. It makes me laugh. Anyway, it's cool.

This Cash Card allows you to use the cash that you keep in the app anywhere you want. You'll get notifications for all payment made with the card directly via the cash app. Laser etch your card to personalize it, which is what all of the babies are doing. And it will be delivered directly to you for free, and then you can use it. If you download the cash app now, you enter the code congrats. And this is something that's really important to us at congratulations you'll receive a five you'll receive five dollars and the cash app will send five dollars to the times up legal defense fund fund and uh that's really cool because it it

supports women and uh their legal uh defense when it comes to um i mean everything that's been going on it's just it's just so it's just terrible and this is a good way to to help so if you are going to download it download it and you can help and be a good person download the cash app for ios or android now blue apron is the number one fresh ingredient recipe delivery service in the country. Do you know that? I cook and I use it all the time. And it's really good. Blue Apron is a really, really good company that I love that I will continue to use. The food's all really good. They have a variety of it.

They send you things that you didn't know you wanted, but you're like, oh, okay, let me try. And you try it and it's all delicious. It's all good. And it makes me feel good because I'm doing the work, you know, and they set it up. They set it up easy for you to cook and you do it. And it makes you feel like you're a chef and you are kind of, and then you can literally be a chef, eat the food and feel good about yourself because the food tastes good and you're not eating fast food or you know you're not ordering you know just food to the you know at a restaurant it's all you uh the blue apron is treating congratulations with crystalia listeners to their first three meals, a $30 value with your first order if you visit blueapron.com slash congrats.

Check out this week's menu and get your $30 off with free shipping at blueapron.com slash congrats. They got the two-person meal plan, family meal plan. They have a wine plan. It's really great. Just go check it out. So Blue Apron. Beach Body. person meal plan, family meal plan. They have a wine plan. It's really great. Just go check it out. Uh, so blue apron beach body, uh, beach body on demand is an online fitness streaming service that gives you unlimited access to a wide variety of highly effective world-class workouts personalized to meet your, uh, your knee, your needs. They've got familiar brands like, uh, your needs. They've got familiar brands like P-I-Y-O, P90X, Insanity, 21 Day Fix, T25,

Three Week Yoga Retreat. These are all ones that you've either heard of some of them or a lot of them, but it's great. I can set this up in my house, stream it on TV and get a really great workout in my house. I mean, I also go to the gym sometimes, but sometimes I don't have the time to, I don't want to battle traffic. So, um, I mean, I recently just got set up with it. So I, I just, I, I do different, I've done different courses and, uh, they have ones that I really like. I like that Sean T guy. I just like he's passionate and, uh, I'm liking, uh, the, the focus T 25 and, uh, but anyway, there's so much variety, and it's really awesome. And, you know, I'm going to try the other ones. I get obsessed with it, and then I want to try the other ones too. So it's really convenient, accessible on your computer,

web-enabled TV, tablet, smartphone, or any other web-enabled device. So it has nutritional help too. Let's not forget, abs are made in the kitchen, okay? And access to information on meal prep, variety of recipes, and simple but proven eating plans. There's over 600 different workouts. So you can find one that, you know, that lines up with your interests and goals. And you will find something there. So give this service a try.

Right now, my listeners can get a free trial membership when you text congrats to 303030. That's texting congrats to 303030. You will get full access to this entire platform for free, all the workouts and nutrition information free. Just text congrats to 303030. Dude, how about when I, somebody, I saw some comments. Sometimes I look at the YouTube comments because I like to look at 30, 30. Dude, how about when I, uh, somebody, I saw some comments. Sometimes I look at the YouTube comments because I like to look at fucking lunatics.

And, uh, somebody was like, you know what? You can tell that he reads the ads, but I still like it. Oh, you can tell. It's weird when you can tell something by looking at it. Don't you think? I can tell he's wearing a shirt too. But I like it. Internet's ruining everything,

but it's also, also, also kind of helping everything. Why is it ruining everything? and everything why is it ruining everything um oh another comedian you should check out is michael costa i just say that because i gotta we're texting right now but um fucking hilarious he's on the daily show uh so um what was i gonna say dude you know what fucking was crazy this week Actually was the Emily Ratatachowski thing I'll never know her last name Never want to

I'll meet her and be like nice to meet you Emily Ratatachowski Ratatatata and all What's that from Ratatatata and all What's that shit Anyway oh well So she... What's the third one?

The third one right there. Hit it. So excited to... She got... People got upset with this shit. So excited to announce that I am the new face of yada yada. Welcome to good hair days. Oh, she changed the caption.

Oh. Ah, man. Double down, motherfucker. She wrote... She wrote this thing about how fucking, oh, yeah, try this new company that I love because hair is a fundamental thing for women's beauty or some shit. What did she say? Where? Fundamental for femininity, beauty, and identity. Now, here's why the internet is fucking stupid. Okay, so she says hair is fundamental to femininity and beauty. All right, look. Yeah, there's feminine women that are bald as shit.

Sure. Whether they went through chemo, whether they have alopecia, they can't fucking grow hair. Doesn't mean they're not feminine. Doesn't mean they're not beautiful. Okay? There are some beautiful bald women out there. Really. And feminine. beautiful bald women out there really and feminine and every people there are people

are like you should apologize because you said this and that hey you know what dude it's a fucking ad okay it's an ad in ads companies say all sorts of shit that newsflash aren't true because they want you to buy the fucking product. It's so... Look, I don't know what it's like to not be able to grow hair. I mean, look, a lot of guys are bald. A lot of guys lost their their hair i'm fucking losing mine a little bit i have less hair i feel like i you know if it goes and then somebody is like hey

hair you know is fundamental to fucking masculine fucking this and that i i wouldn't give a fuck i would look at that and be like oh oh, they're wrong. Those fucking idiots. Why does everybody get offended about everything? Hey, bro, roll the fuck on, man. People are going to say so much stupid shit, especially on the internet. You know why? Because the internet is everything. Everybody says everything on the internet.

Roll the fuck on, man. Turn the other butt cheek, bro. Who cares? You're sitting at your computer all day. You're getting offended. That's what happens. Do other shit. What? Just annoying. what just annoying it's just everyone's so offended somebody said i i posted a video from the from the podcast about how you should take those what would jesus do bracelets and wipe your

ass with them and people are like bro not funny cross funny. Cross the line. Hey, eat my dick. Eat my fucking dick. Hey, eat it. Touch your nose to my abdomen. Dude, come on, man. The fuck out of here. Who who cares shut up go fucking shopping who cares somebody somebody commented oh man it's too you know i i i just wear it because it makes it it reminds me to be a good person? Hey, man, change. Dude, what is wrong with you that you got to wear something to make yourself a better person? Dude, take it off and just be you. Dude, change. Hey, man, if you're going to look down, imagine being like, oh, man, I want to, like, whatever, cheat on my wife.

Oh, fuck. Look, hold on one second. Let me glance at my wrist. Jesus wouldn't do that. Never mind. Fucking go shopping, motherfuckers. Do something else, man. You know what?

That made me want to wipe my ass with what would Jesus do bracelets. Because I'll tell you what. And you know what? That made me want to wipe my ass with what would Jesus do bracelets? Because I'll tell you what, if Jesus ran out of toilet paper and just had a bracelet that said, what would Jesus do? He'd use it to wipe his ass at a convenience. Know why? Because he's purse.

Because he's a purse. It's because of the stock. Dude, don't get fucking offended so much. Oh man, everyone is so offended. Hey dude, you crossed the line. Leave religion, never put God in your act. Somebody wrote me once. Never put God in your act.

Hey dude, fuck yourself. See you in hell. I will always put God in my act when I choose. Bye. See ya. Get captured. Gunk. Face the same way.

Men side ya. Now that's the most vicious congratulations combo I've ever done. Yakuta. Hey, look, a shiny bracelet. Yakuta. Go to fucking Coachella. shopping go swimming go to fucking coachella fuck out of here the fuck out of here dude never put god in your act see ya we'll do it see ya dude you know what we gotta do some be quiet that's what we gotta do

you know we gotta practice not with you bud we gotta practice touching your top lip to your bottom lip that's what we gotta do you offended you take into the internet because you outraged you know what you gotta practice touching your top lip to your bottom lip hey man you upset with me because i said something on stage that was a joke and you come on up to me after the show to express your opinion and your outrage you know we got to practice touching your top lip to your bottom lip. Dude. Hey, man. Your top lip feel lonely?

Let's join it with your bottom lip. It's a joke, you fucking piece of shit. Go shopping. Fuck out of my face man go shopping oh fuck oh fuck I love being an idiot oh man oh I forgot about that fucking

I had a new joke and I forgot about it nah I don't do it anymore gotta remember that part I want to make that an instagram video practice touching your top lip to your bottom lip that's so dumb how man what is that 38 minutes oh right that time um oh one fire i'll probably write something up like 42 minutes and it all up because he's one fire um something fucked up like 42 minutes and fuck it all up because he's one fire um i love how you guys don't know who one fire is he's like master killer from the wu-tang you know um so what what else uh what else we talking about babies what else we talking about babies

it's because of the stock. Dude, thank God for the internet, but also F the internet. What else are we talking about, babies? What else are we talking about? How about when Trump was like, fucking fuck all black people or whatever he said? Dude, how? First of all, Trump is, I thought he was racist, but now there's just no question when he was just like the, what he said about the shithole countries about,

I mean, it's not even funny. It's just about all the Africa countries about why do they keep coming from shithole countries? And then he picked the whitest place and was like, Norway's cool though. Like, could you be more glaringly racist?

Hey guy, don't be in the white house i don't even give a fuck about politics man republican be republican democrat be democrat if you're one of the other ones that doesn't matter be that but dude come on man don say that, you fucking dumb fuck. Also, don't be orange. You Simpson? Oh, man. And stop tweeting, dude. Tweet once or twice a day, you know?

I hope he doesn't lead us into nuclear war or any war. Man. What is this shit? Go splurin'? I think Chris Lee is the head of marketing for this gas station. Lionface. At Lionface. Go splurin'. 76 station.

Damn, I like that. Go splurin'? That's fuckin' awesome. Go splurin'? lion face at lion face go sploring 76 station damn i like that go sploring that's fucking awesome go sploring fuck i'm jealous i didn't think about that hey guys dude if i was an expeditionist or whatever the fuck lewis and clark i'd be like guys time to go sploring yo you guys time to dude i love how lion faces twitter picture is a burger oh fuck i saw a guy at the coffee bean today with a fucking sheer shirt on he had a shirt that you could see through saw his nipples and shorts bro so confused oh and I was at the coffee bean

and these two kids came in and were literally kicking a soccer ball and the dad let him do it for like five minutes and then took the ball away hey don't bring the ball in the fucking place the kids were kicking a soccer ball in coffee bean against the wall of coffee bean,

of a coffee shop. And I was trying to get my fucking head right for the podcast. Did those little fucking assholes know I was trying to do that? No. Fucking shit. Dude, I love coffee, man.

You know what, dude? I'm sitting different. And here's why I'm sitting different. Hello? Okay. Because my fucking back hurts, dude. I'm different. Yeah, I'm different.

I'm different. Yeah, I'm different. Dude, that song rocked, bro. I'm different. I love when rap songs are like basic, but also specific. Like, dude, I'm different. And it was simple. Bing, bing, ding, ding, ding, ding. And then fucking sluts would be like, fuck yeah. Yeah. Oh man. Oh man. You know man. Oh, man. You know what I think, man?

You know girls get upset about like, I'm not a slut if I fuck because I want to. I agree. I think a slut is, I have my own definition of it. Like, dude, if you're a girl, you should fuck whoever you want whenever you want. It doesn't, go on. Go on with your fucking bad self, all right? And I respect that. And I've had relationships with girls who have had sex with lots of dudes.

And I don't give a fuck. But here's the deal. And I've had relationships with girls who haven't had sex with that many dudes. And I'm fine with both. Some guys will get all bent. I know some guys that are like, oh, you shouldn't. I want a girl that's pure. Or I don't want a girl that's not experienced. Either way, whatever.

You're going to meet who you're going to meet and fall in love. But I think the kind of girl that I can't be with is a girl that pretends she's a certain way that she's not. And that just goes with guys, too. I mean, I don't date guys, but friends. Like when you don't know how you are and you're fooling yourself, but not really fooling me, I can't.

I can't get captured. Like... You should retweet that on the podcast one like i i i can't fucking like if you're a if you're a chick and you're like i don't do that i don't have sex with guys unless i know them very well but you do do that who you're lying to who me why to make me think that you are not a not slutty then you're a liar if i'm with a girl and she's like yeah i've had one night stands because i wanted to fuck cool great good awesome if i was with a girl because here's the thing i used to when i was younger i used to be like you don't make me i i was so fucking such an idiot i was like you don't

make me wait but you would have sex with fucking some rock star because you know whatever but you do the long play with me and i used to be like offended at that not that i was dealing with that situation many times. But if I was with a girl and she was like, listen, I've had sex with guys on the first night. I've had sex with guys. I've done the long play. You know, I've made mistakes. I've had great relationships, this and that.

But like I'm interested in taking things slow with you because I don't want to fuck it up. And I like you, I think, maybe. And I'm not going to have sex with you the first, you know, whatever it is. The first fucking two minutes. But I have done that in my life. And I wanted to and now I don't. Then I respect that. Not that you need my respect.

But, you know, I think that that's cool. You know, because people fucking change. I respect that. Not that you need my respect. But, you know, I think that that's cool. You know, because people fucking change. I get that. I mean, but when you're just like, no, I don't do it. And you do do it. And you're going to do it again. Like, don't. Stop.

Stop. You're not fucking fooling. You're not fooling anyone. Or you're fooling idiots. And then that's who you are. You're someone that fools idiots? Why? What what are you doing what are you trying to do what are you trying to gain what what are you trying to gain oh man everybody's so fucking crazy everybody's so crazy. I don't know. Dating is weird. All my friends and shit. and shit.

In LA, it's fucking crazy, man. It's literally like I... You gotta have a real strong head on your shoulders and know what you want. I mean, people are so lost in LA. It's so weird what they're chasing. You know? I mean, people come and they move from fucking Idaho because they were the most popular kid

and they're like, I'm gonna be famous and they get thrown into LA and literally are in rooms with like fucking the most famous people and then they're nobody and shit and then I don't know. I don't even know what I'm talking about.

I just I just like like I don't know. It's weird how if you're an actor you can be like the least good at your job but still be have like be rewarded with like it's like the only job where like you can be so awful but also be so successful i don't know another job where you can do that, really. You have to have talent with other things. Even in the arts, like music.

People get mad at, people say, well, pop music's bullshit. It's still a fucking skill. It's still a talent. It still is art. As bad as some pop music is, it still takes something like like a lot of this new hip-hop or rap is fucking awful but it's still at least a skill to learn it may not be a hard skill to learn you know with these all these mumble rappers but like you still have to make something sound good and fucking have people like bop their head to it but like acting

you don't you straight up don't you just have to say the lines and can be awful and be rewarded with millions of dollars in success a lot of guys on these fucking you know these what's the the cw cw if that even exists you know know what I mean, anymore? Like those fucking guys, guys who look like models that are trying to be in comedy shit. Like get out of here, dude. You go to fucking some of these castings. I used to. I don't really go anymore to auditions like this. I haven't in a while at least.

I'm sure I will again. And you get into this room and you're like oh now I'm you know when I do audition for something it's like with other guys I've seen or know or that are like at my level so uh or or whatever but um yeah I I you know you'd walk into this room like when I was in my 20s I'd walk into the room it was this comedy thing and I'd be like okay I could kind of make this funny and you go in and it's like fucking all dudes that look like luke perry in 1990 and you're like doing the eyebrow thing hey and you're like oh fuck this guy i'm going up against this guy and then that's the guy that gets a part because he looks like a

fucking ken doll and you're like and then you watch it when it comes out and you're like oh it's just zero funny hey what the fuck is going on what are you trying to do make it it's weird man um it's fucking weird but i don't know i feel like this podcast went off on the fucking let's do twitter questions uh do you have any okay because if it didn't one fire oh dude you know what i don't like this guy's writing me christopher dennett at chris underscore dens do you do these hurt your feelings or nah that's the thing i say if i like something i'll be like oh fuck it that shit hurts my feelings i've said on the podcast before about shoes a lot and so their shoes and their customized shoes that are like that have that like shark airplane what is that fucking art anyway why do

why do people paint airplanes like sharks like what kind of fucking cooted dumb shit is that just have it be an airplane that's it's way more impressive than a shark it's in the sky flying. You don't need to make it look like an animal in the water. And, um, and, uh, it's customized shoes. I don't like,

I don't like making the shoe that you buy your own Nike, Adidas, new balance, whoever the fuck you're going to buy shoes from. They did it. They figured it out. Don't get the shoe and then go to like a shoe doctor guy that's like, yeah, I'm watching me fucking make it a different color or look at it a different way and fucking paint some shit on it.

See ya. See ya. Take them off. Bury them. See ya. What else we got? And it's one fire. He goes, give me a sec.

One fire. He goes, give me a sec. One fire. How insecure it... Oh, that's funny, dude. Zach, at Zach Cryptano? I don't know. Cipriano? Oh. How insecure is it to have a framed puzzle hung on your wall?

It's very funny. That's definitely not insecure. You're using the language wrong,. It's very funny. That's definitely not insecure. You're using the language wrong, but it's fucking hilarious. Dude, imagine framing a puzzle. Oh, I guess it's a little bit insecure. Be like, yo, I did that shit. What the fuck is that lady doing? You have to see this. Tim Keeley. Forget knives. Is chopping the food with your teeth the future of food prep? Oh, my God.

This girl is not. Ew. She's chopping. She's not using knives. Whatever she's getting. Reva Godfrey, who stars in the video using her mouth to, ew, butter. Why would she be doing that?

She, like, will take garlic, eat it, chop it up, and then spit it out in a bowl and mix it with what the fuck she's doing. What, we, this is what I don't get. We invented knives. Why are you doing going? What are you doing going backwards? It's like when people are like, hey, go. Let's go camping and get away from it all. Nah, it took us a long time to invent a fucking toaster.

And build walls. I'll be inside them. The fuck do I want to get away from all the shit that we worked as a human race so hard to achieve? Now you want to go near be near a waterfall? What dude? You fucking backwards fucked up dude. Yeah, but let's go out and fucking sit on dirt let's get dirt in our nails and anus somehow nah bro we got air conditioning you could set that shit right how you like it yeah but i want to get away from it all. Go in a different room.

Leave your phone in the kitchen. Isn't it great out here? You know? How do people... Isn't it great out here? Camping. Just looking. I just love coming out here and just being all alone with my thoughts. You know who else is like that?

Crazy people. You're not fucking Gandhi because you stood near a waterfall. Just come out here, find myself. Why does everyone need to go somewhere else to find themselves? You're right there. Hey, you know where you are? In your clothes. I've said this before on the podcast, but dude, people got to go to Tunisia to really find themselves. Fuck off. You really want to go to one of those shithole countries? Go to Norway. Fucking racist, dude.

I don't even know what that is. I fucked that Hawaiii shit you know uh but anyway how bad is hawaiian music you know what else is so bad like that mariachi, like Mexican music. That shit is so bad, dude. Oh, the food thing was fake. Oh, fuck. They got us.

It was satire. Damn. They got us. They got us. No need to get outraged for it. But yeah, how bad is like that Mexican fucking... But yeah, how bad is like that Mexican fucking... Fucking Pablo Francisco has a funny bit about that.

How it's all the same. We're trailing off, dude. I think we're done. Fuck it. All right, guys. You guys, thank you. Where's the thing here? No elder this week, but we'll maybe have one next week.

And remember, Square Cash. Have you switched yet? Download the free Square Cash app. Enter rewards code congrats. Get $5 and then give $5 to time up. Get it for iOS or Android now. And Blue Apron. Check out this week's menu and get your $30 off with free shipping at blueapron.com slash congrats. Subscribe to the YouTube channel.

You get to see me in action, do this. You don't have to listen to it. And download the Crystalia app for iOS or Android. I go live on there a lot. You can just type in Crystalia and it'll come up in the app store. Subscribe, rate, and review the show. Tweet me, ask me questions. Video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays.

Upcoming shows. I got Pasadena, Tampa, Winnipeg, Calgary, Saskatchewan. Some of those are sold out, but check it out. Actually, they might all be. See this shit. Actually, they might all be. Thank you for listening, man. Check me out on

The Good Doctor. I'll be out on that episode. It's the second set of half of the season. I'm doing out on that episode at the second set of the season. I'm doing a few of my episodes. All right, guys. Thanks a lot. Take care. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Congratulations, motherfucking Bob, you bitch. Motherfucker, I am the motherfucking child of motherfuckers.