Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 512. Distraction Is The New Back Door

Episode Date: June 18, 2026

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Runk. Hey guys, it's episode 512 of congratulations. And thanks to Legends, Social Casino and Sportsbook for sponsoring this episode. Yes, yes, he's back from Utah. Yes, yes, he's back from Utah. And it'll be in Denver next weekend. And then Philadelphia and DC, Washington, D.C., Louisville, and Pittsburgh. He keeps going.

He keeps going. And it's been a lot of fun. Utah is beautiful. And Ivan Gittred of over here was just saying that it's the most beautiful state in America and it just, you know, it really, it's really,

it's gorgeous. It really is gorgeous. It just really is. You look anywhere you look, it's beautiful, gorgeous, mountains, gorgeous, women gorgeous, buildings, some gorgeous, some not, and a surprisingly high, homeless section area.

But anyway, um, yeah, uh, this is a new, I feel like this week was the week that it really, we really, um,

turned it up. And I don't, by we, I mean humans. I think we just turned it up. In every way, not just, well,

in every way. Up. Whatever up it. More. More. More. more. You know what I'm saying?

I mean, I cannot stop thinking about the UFC 250,000 years of freedom America thing, Trump, polymarket thing. I can't stop thinking about. I, you know, I, and then I see, okay, so look, there's just a lot wrong with everything. All right, let's just say that. uh i'm glad Biden is not president uh that doesn't mean i want Trump as president you know I'm not really political I I admittedly don't know you know the ins and outs of of all these parties and policies and you know and this is a comedy podcast so that being said you know when I hear

something like uh who's the guy the the the the wrestler who's the who did UFC and did it once and then got his butt beat. And then is it Chris? CM Punk, that's it. CM Punk, they interviewed him and they're like, would you have gone to the UFC 250? If you were invited, he said, first of all, I wouldn't be invited.

And second of all, no, I wouldn't go. Because I wouldn't go over to David Duke's house for tacos. Because I just don't want to go to a racist guy. I don't want to hang out. I don't care if you're in the White House or the house down the street. And like, I understand that. Okay, I understand that. I do understand not wanting to be around.

And I'm not even saying, like, take the argument that the administration or or, or Trump, take that argument. Even that they do racist stuff. Take it out. Take it out. Don't even include that. Like, just on its bare, on its, on its, a simple form, not want. to hang out with racists is totally understandable, at least, right? Okay? But I don't, what, here's the thing I think people are missing about, you know, the administration or, or, or, or really any

administration, honestly. Um, well, no, not any, but a lot of them. Uh, you know, people are quick to call racist. People are quick to call, uh, you know, greed, corruption. People are, are, are, are quick to call a lot of things here. Those are all like second to, to me to just, hey, just look at the guy you're voting for. Not that guy. Okay? You can tell. You can tell.

Right? Can we agree? I'm not getting to racism. I'm not getting to, you know, but to put the UFC on the White House lawn. Now, look, did it look cool? Yeah, it did. Is the UFC fun to watch? Well, Chris DeLea's not saying it isn't.

Now, putting sports and promoting things. that interest your pockets on the White House lawn is objectively when, when, okay, yeah, they say, oh, you have C paid for it though. Not everything, not everything. And here's my main problem. Why are eggs still expensive? Okay, that's, that's the problem.

For somebody to be, feel disenfranchised, or for somebody to feel, you know, in a one bedroom apartment with, with five, kids and to be excited to watch these fighter jets fly over these these fighters fighting in the front lawn of a of a of a of a of the president's house is so weirdly backwards and I don't see how you can really argue that now I don't mean politically I don't agree with Trump Biden Bernie I don't I don't I don't know that's how what I'm saying I mean, you're talking to a guy that doesn't even want to go anywhere, okay?

So, like, I saw people, like, you know, there's people, just because somebody went to that thing doesn't mean that they're, like, people are like, oh, Napragazzi, I guess I'm canceling my, my bread winner tickets. I'm never going to support this dude again because he was in this, the second row. Like, dude, that's too far, okay? You know, people go to that for different reasons. John Ronson went. you think he went because he's a fan of any of this?

No. He went because he probably wants to write about how absurd it is. So that's where both sides, you know, fight from to, oh, yeah, this is freedom of speech. We can do whatever we want and make as much money as we want. Like the Daniel Cormeier, what's his name? It's all fake, right? It has to be fake. where Eric Trump

But that, well, look, the fact that we're in a world where we don't even know is crazy, dude. I'm talking about the thing where Eric Trump asked Daniel Cormier if any of the fights were being fixed. But why did Daniel Cormier post it? Did he? Anyway, it was all fake. But you look at that and you go,

well, I wouldn't get in trouble, really. Eric Trump's going to get in trouble for that? No. How is he going to get in trouble over that when Trump well I guess Eric Trump has a lot of stake in a polymarket and then they just put polymarket everywhere it's like that one uh when they're promoting brano or whatever on uh idiocracy I don't know man I'm just and I you know it is so wild how down people are for a distraction It is like distraction is the new pussy.

That's what it's like. Distraction is the new back door, dude. It's straight up, it gets you, distraction, it gets you here, it gets you right here. Like that old A1 commercial. I, people, the only thing people like more than going, is, wait, what's going on? I can't believe how much people like distraction. You can't afford eggs.

Oh, but look, dude, eight fighter jets. You can't afford air conditioning. Oh, but the design is nice. And then when the dude came out, first of all, when they're like, can you believe the guy said Michelle Obama is a man after the fight. I can. Oh, you mean the guy who drunkenly walked up to the way in

and threw up applesauce? Yes. I guess I can. Okay? I can imagine that guy would say something a little out of pocket after winning fighting. And you can't afford heard tuition you'll hey dude you'll never buy a house hey look look you you you buying a house

you wishing to buy a house is like far as gum on the boat with the hat on waving at the house you never see that shit again you do you cannot this this this this it's not just built for you to lose it is increasingly becoming harder and harder to win. And all while we're at war and all, and this is the real capper and the real fuck you. The week after we make the world's first trillionaire. Hey, trillionaire. Trillion.

Trillion. Trillion. Yeah, you say, oh, I love. love the argument, they go, yeah, but not. He doesn't have that in his pocket. It's with all of his assets combined. K? Trillionaire, we're talking about here.

I mean, and don't ever give me a trillion dollars. I'm telling you. I'm telling you right now. It's not likely to happen, of course. But what I'm saying is, don't give it to me, dude. I mean, are you kidding me? And here's the other thing.

I see other people shaming Elon about, you know, I saw a tweet the other day or a thread or whatever. And it was like, this disgusting ugly toad is the one that's the first trillionaire. Fuck you, Elon. And it's like, dude, you know, let's not, let's not call him a disgusting ugly toad. Let's just talk about why it's weird as a trillionaire, huh? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? somebody wants to suck Elon's dick

viciously but it's just it's just a weird time we're living in and guess what it's not getting better high it's not getting better high oh you might maybe it's kind of getting better and then you see the the bungee jump guys throw the woman off the bridge without

even connecting her whoops hey that's so sad oops oh oh oh Oh, no, but you know what? It was just one guy who threw up.

Oh, no, it wasn't. Oh, it was just two guys who threw up. I don't wasn't. Three guys. Three idiots. Oh, and, and, yeah, you know, in, yeah, no shit it was in Brazil, you know? That's where that kind of shit happens. Do you want to go bunchie champion?

I got it. Come on. Do you want to go up? Let's go. Come on a breach right there. Look, I get my friends right here. Paolo, come here. Hey, put that on there.

Hey, and put her feet up like this and throw her. Oh, shit. Fack, we didn't. Okay, we have to leave her right now. Get her camera. She's filming it. I mean, they just tossed her off like a fucking javelin. And hey, also, let's not forget the fourth person.

Her! If I go bungee jumping, you're goddamn right. I'm making sure I'm clipped to something. And I'm not saying it's her fault. It's not. It's not. They're getting tried for murder, which is crazy because that's a huge mistake. But, and I'm not even saying they meant to do it. But here's the deal. That doesn't matter. You have to try them for murder. You have to. Because if you don't, that's now the number one way of assassinating someone. Oh, sorry, I didn't mean it. I didn't know. Well, we found out, though,

that, but it was your wife. And we have emails with you back and forth saying, trying to really convince her to go bungee jumping after you took out life insurance. Yeah, I don't know what happened. We forgot. It was three of us, right?

Come on, honey, let's go. Honey, jump up on here. I clip you on. One, two, three. Oh, fuck. I didn't clip her on. Oh, shit. Okay.

We had, um, okay. Well, we forgot. We didn't know, right? So fuck that. Um, I just. I mean, you know how they say, you know how they say the world, you know, a version of this, the world isn't getting crazier, it's just getting filmed more, or they'll make up like, they'll, they'll say, you know, they'll, that'll be a quote and then they'll like attribute it to

Will Smith, even though Will Smith never fucking said that, you know. They'll just be like, the world isn't more racist. People are just filming it more fucking, you know, Aaron Eckhart. And you're like, no, he didn't fucking say that, dude. He's too busy doing movies that go right, right to buy and rent on Apple TV. And that's fine. That's great career. But like, I don't know if that's true, dude.

I don't think that's true. I think that we're not, it's not that we're just exposing it. I do think things are getting exposed more because now everyone's got goddamn meta glasses on, you know. I mean, I'm so sick. I saw this one thing the other day where it was like, this woman, I guess she had metaglasses on and she walked up to some like 90 year old man. And he was like, she was like, she said something like, do you know, you know, the time or or do you know where to go or how the directions or something? And he had ear pods in and he took him out and he said, what? You think I'm, he said, you think I'm cute?

Like he thought that's what he said to her. And she was like, yeah, yeah, I think you're cute. And then she just went with it. And he was like, oh, really? And you're not scamming me, are you? Oh, you want my number? And like, I'm like, dude, why are you fucking doxing this 96-year-old man in a business suit walking in the fucking Flatiron District?

Let this guy. Can you just let this guy die? He almost made it. He almost did it, dude. You know, it has 60 million views on Instagram. Like, could you just let this guy fucking, you know? He was around. when they were like,

he was around when they were fucking dancing like this. And you're just going to docks him before he dies. Coming out of his, you know, business where, and he's just like, yeah, you're not, you're not, you're not, you're not scamming me, right? Here's my phone number. And now, look, you could also say, that guy's an idiot. thinking that some 26-year-old chick is going to be like, hey, I want to, you know, slob on you.

But, like, you know, also, now, yeah, why would you hold women accountable? I just, it, I don't think that it, I think that, I think that things are getting worse. And guess what, dude? I'm not saying that I don't want to live in America. I'm not doing that. Okay.

I'm not saying that. you know would i rather live in fucking you know i don't even know what other countries are like really i've been there a few times i've done shows i'm going coming up soon in europe and uh portugal what's that like it's probably nice for four days i have no idea that is beautiful but anyway you know when it's like you know on one hand i'm like oh man everyone should just have you know having kids is the thing that really centers you it really at least for me like it saved my life i am now happier than i've ever been uh i i i wouldn't trade anything for the last five six years of my life i've got my boys and uh you know my my family um and it's it's it's amazing

and then i also i'm like yeah if you don't want to have kids i get it i get it and not because uh It's because sometimes I'm like, I didn't even have a choice. I just came out here. My mom and dad just decided. They skipped distraction and went up. And then it was my turn. Yeah. I don't know.

It's crazy, but I'm crazy dry from Utah because Utah is so dry. And then I was in Vegas before that, Vegas is so dry. So, hi, I'm dry. I'm so dry. practically a fucking vanilla wafer. Dude, I can't. I blow my nose. Blood just comes out like I got shot in the fucking face.

God, there was a drunk woman at my show last night that just screamed out. What she screamed out? Oh yeah. Close it hard. And I'm just like, what the fuck is going on? What is close it hard? Let me be a big clip on my YouTube channel about it. But can you turn an air down a little bit?

It's so hot in here. but people just be going out to comedy shows and I'm posting it because that's the stuff that I'll put out there but it's like why am I being even so sacred about my material? Who cares? I just put it all out there. Who cares? You know, I don't know.

Nix in five. Knicks in five. Nicks in five. Dude, that's great, New York. Stop beating the shit at everyone. did you see that one clip of that one spurs fan that everyone was trying to do something to and he just kept beating the shit at everyone

like he was Thanos yeah and he was just and then the cops came and they finally escorted him out and he walked out and New York's like yeah fuck the Spurs and there were literally like a hundred of them and one dude in a Spurs jersey was taking on all of them and the Knicks fans were like hell yeah

you don't fuck with New York and I'm like oh you lost the fucking post game show that guy handled you that guy handled a hundred of you and you were scared see if you find that clip but this dude was Thanos

he had the fucking infinity stones and then everyone was like let's get him and he just I mean this dude he was one of those guys where you watch and you're like man if the whole world fought this dude would come in sixth it's right here you're putting it on here

but this dude is look at this here go here we go this is him i mean i can't believe this dude props to this dude for holding it down you know what honestly this guy should be the new spurs mascot just go out there and you try and you could and anyone could go try to fight him and he just handles it you call him the handler that's what he'll be he's the new um uh uh uh mascot for the spurs the handler look look look look they're fucking with them look everybody in new york look look look Look, look.

He's part, he's part, he loses him, Moses? Look, some guy punches him from behind. He doesn't even give a fuck. He's still put, crack out. Punch him from behind again. Now he's walking after him like he's Jason Forreys. He's not even running. He's just like, I'll get him.

Look, look, look. Then he goes to get him, puts him on the ground. More people come. Now they're just filming him. The other dude comes, tries to trip him. Doesn't even phase them. Jump cut, which means it's been going on forever. Yeah, no one wants to say on fight, though.

This dude is a... I'm a Spurs fan now. I don't give a fuck. Let's go. Hell yeah, dude. Who's the one guy? The real handsome dude that played in the 90s? For the Spurs?

Not... Yeah, what's his name, bro? David something. David Robinson? No, no, no, no, that's not it. It's something like that. Shit. I don't know.

Anthony? What the heck is that guy's name? He's like the most famous spur besides Dennis Robin. Well, he's a bull more. No. No, not him. No. Is that him?

I can't see. Let me look. David Robinson. David Robinson. That's him. Yeah. David Robinson. You're right.

How did I get back to where I was? This is a stupid. Yeah, David Robinson. Where the heck is the thing I had? I hate how the MacBook switch. Like, what is this? Minority Report? Give me one fucking screen, dude.

You press the wrong button, everything goes, and then you're like, where did it go? And it's like over here now. And I don't know how to click it again. But whatever, it doesn't matter. I got this again.

David Robinson is right. Why did I not think it was David Robinson? But anyway, let's go back to here. Let's go back to what he said. when he says no one wants to fight. Look at how... Look, here we go. Thanos.

And look, some guy trying to pick his wrong. Now, here comes the cops. Now, this is Doakes from Dexter. He comes up. And he's like, buddy, get away. Now look at the, look at a big boy from Power 106, just hiking up his pants with clogs on. Who's just like behind the dude

acting like he's going to fight him. And then he backs up. What a pussy. And then watch. The camera goes away. Then it goes back to him. Watch us. Then it goes back to Big Boy from Power 106.

Now the guy's just talking to the cops, right? Guys just talking to the cops. Goes back to Power 106, Big Boy from Power 106, is just on the ground. He broke his own ankles. It was like somebody just fucking dunked on him. Nothing's happening and he fucking just fell like a piece of shit, you know? And he's like the guy didn't even do anything to him.

His back was to him. Hey, New York lost because of this. Do you understand? I get the Knicks won basketball, but New York lost. Bro, after this, this is the most heinous shit I've ever seen in my life. I love New York. Ain't San Antonio. But San Antonio killed this shit.

I just don't want to be on that river walk in San Antonio, where there are always people falling in and shit. there's like 900 bikes in there cops pushing them out all the New York behind this motherfucker they're throwing paper at him what are you doing Nixon 5 yeah Nixon 5 yeah but me and 1 here yeah but I'm undefeated

they're just in his face and shit they put and then they push them all the way out the dude you know what the dude is truly unscathed dude it's like you know how they say and then he emerged from the rubble unscathed you read that because you're reading the fucking image comic that set

mcfarlane wrote or something this is that guy not set bickfarlane is that the family guy guy todd mcfarland is the is the image guy right yeah spawn and young blood i don't like that i fucking messed that up but whatever you get it um and this is how it goes on the podcast no redoes but yeah god and you know mob men mentality, I guess, is just, but, you know, I don't know. I mean, this is not the only time you've seen people fuck with the, you know, so I saw some guy walking in Times Square with the Spurs jersey on and they were just, like, beating the shit out of them.

It's like, bro, if you, first of all, I'm not a sports guy, okay? Like, obviously you could tell from the beginning of the thing I was talking about the UFC, but like, if you're anything other than being happy that your team won is too much. Okay. You know, I'm not a sports guy, okay? But, you know, let's say I live in Baltimore my whole life. And I grew up on the Baltimore Ravens. Is that even a team? Is it a football team? Baltimore Ravens? Okay. And I grew up like next to like some people who are like part of the association, the Baltimore Ravens Association. It's just, like ingrained in me you know and then I I love the game and I go and say the Baltimore Ravens lost all the time every time I was alive and then one time to Super Bowl and you know the Super Bowl is somewhere else and then they're fighting their rivals they're they're they're they're playing with the rivals

and then and then the Baltimore Ravens win and then I I am so happy and then to get out of the of the of the arena and be like well It's time to take down some stop signs. That's too much. Okay. Oh, God, got to let a bus on fire. No, dude. At what point are you done being just happy about your team?

Hey, dude. But the guy had a Miami Dolphins jersey on and I needed to stab him. No. Stop it. Yeah, I don't like that, man. You know what? I don't think anybody in their right mind would, right? you know i guess there are people that if you if you take each each one of these people who are doing

this and say hey dude come on man break off what are you doing this is not right you might they might be like yeah but there are people that would be like no fuck you deserve it man you shouldn't do you but i don't know man it's just like i said a wild time and this shit is only supposed to happen in like fucking uh brazil you know that's why they threw off the fucking bridge with no connection. With no Kinnikin, Kinnikang, Ping, Ping, Ping. SpaceX goes public, Elon and Musk just becomes a trillionaire.

It didn't even have, it didn't even like, just zero time. Oliver Tree dies. That's very sad. A helicopter hit another helicopter. I didn't know Oliver Tree. Maybe, yeah. Very sad. 32 years old.

Fuck. Was that? I know that obviously more helicopters are safe than do this, but, man, that's sad. And I hope his family and his friends are okay. Shout out to Oliver Tree. I don't like when I see that. Oh, it was in Brazil. Okay.

Well, I'm not trying to down talk Brazil. I'll pick a different country. at this point, but this actually did happen in Rheedgenero. Two helicopters hit each other. This is kind of misleading. It says, involved two helicopters and left six dead, including tree. It makes it sound like

the helicopters also hit a tree, but it's Oliver Tree, and that's sad. Man, that's just too sad. I hate that shit. You know, too, too young, man. I want to interrupt here, talk about Legends, because you got to know about this.

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congrats when signing up. Keep it legendary. All right. And we're back. Rick Ross, really, man, I am so sick of shit like this, dude. I really am. I mean, I understand that this is a business decision because he's going to post it. It's going to make headlines and then you're going to sell albums.

But, bro, everyone became a marketer. You know? Everyone became a marketer. even comedians now. You can't just be a comedian. Dude, every comedian, I, I, I have openers that are local on the road and they show up with, like, cameras and equipment and a microphone. I'm like, oh, my God, if I had to do that when I was coming up, I would have, I don't, I don't know. I mean, look, I'm obviously social media savvy and shit.

I was one of the, you know, first dudes to, like, do Vine and comedians, at least. Um, but like, if I had to do like the professional setting up camera and, and, and edit, I don't know if I would have made it. But now Rick Ross has a Ferrari feeder for his horse. I mean, honestly, don't even have a horse, asshole. You know what I mean? Like, have a Ferrari. Drive it. Why is there no, no?

Oh. Ricky Rose car show, baby. Yeah. Yeah. Look, it's just so lonely, dude. In the middle of a field with a Ferrari and a horse. That's like a joke. So Rick Ross is in the middle of the field with a Ferrari and a horse.

Where's the horse eating from? What y'all want to do? well uh not not not the way rappers start conversations are amazing dude yeah what y'all want to do you know what you know what you're gonna do nothing it's jango you already know black on black wiki rosay one Ferrari two Ferrari with hay in the trunk and the horse is eating it I mean at least hopefully they just got the hay out after afterwards and then he uses those cars. What the fuck? I remember when he was like, remember the fucking shout out to pairs day? That was like when everything was nice. You know, he was just sitting in that fucking gurney.

Shout out to bear. All right, pairs. And now it's just like, he's just like, you know, we're, we're three Instagram videos. away for him and being like, what y'all want to do? I cut my dick off, soft, boss, put it on the grill, going to have a barbecue, got a stump, going to make some sausage, feed the sausage to the

to the invites, you know, and my dick is going to be one of them knowing we're going to know who's going to eat rouse dick, boss, just like imagine these guys sleeping that's what i do all the time whenever i think of somebody like doing all their shit and getting so involved with their shit and i imagine i'm sleeping dude that's hilarious because they got to sleep they're all fucking you know vulnerable and shit just you know some of them are crunched up with their you know that's so funny dude like think about these mother these hard mother like think about like you know who sleeping um i don't know anyone honestly even people who i mean even thinking about harry conic junior sleeping is funny

i'm so dry it's unbelievable hi i'm a vanilla wafer um yeah dude this i show speed not realizing Thank you, sir. I feel like, first of all, is I show Speed the best athlete in the world? Why am I chat saying Mayor? Oh, nice to meet you, my boy. Let me proper introduce myself. My name's Speed, nice to meet you. Mayor. Nice to meet you, Mayor!

You listen to your World Cup song from 2020, every morning. Thank you. Appreciate that, man. Appreciate that. Good job. We just met the mayor. I didn't even realize I was next to the mayor. Ah! Small world, man.

Small world. World! Big World! You're next to the mayor! You're in a fucking World Cup game! Big World! W. Mayor, chat! That's hilarious, dude. This kind of stuff is funny. It's hard to not like I Show Speed, you know?

I mean, his name is crazy, but... How does he not know he's next to Mayors? Oh, nice to meet you. My name's my name, I've introduced myself. My name's Speed, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, Mayor. Lovely, lovely, lovely, love you. I've been listening to your World Cup song, Fight, 2.

Well, that's not true, dude. What's up with I Show Speed? Is he more famous than anyone in the world, do you know? Jumping around to shit? He might be. He's like the new Michael Jackson. Streamers, dude. Streamers!

Dude, when I was young, a streamer was just like somebody who fucking pissed a lot, you know? I don't even know this is a real job. You know what it might be? One day, the only job. You think that it, I mean, you got people

who, what's going to be left? The last job that's going to be left. The three last, you know, I think I'm good. I think comedian is going to last for a long time. You know, eventually, I guess AI will get the nuance. There'll be a fucking, you know,

a comedian that's AI. But the only two jobs that I, I mean, you know, there'll be AI streamers and shit. I would watch that because I don't care. You don't really have to have talent to be a streamer. I mean, you kind of have to have charisma. But AI can have all the charisma in the world and they can learn it and they can get the nuance and adapt. You know, but the one job that's always safe that really bothers me is magician. And that's fucking, that's so annoying because magicians honestly have always been able.

to just be accepted and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and they shouldn't you know why because they're we know they're lying there is no magic okay and don't you know Calvin asked me the other day so what kind of magic is real and I'm like oh what do you mean he was like well you know which magic is real and I was like well the fuck you magic isn't real you know and he's like well mom says it you know magic is and I'm like oh fuck I should have talked to Should I talk to the fucking Kristen. Now I got to go, well, the idea of, you know, you start fucking adding words. The idea of magic, yes, I understand.

Some people do believe that the, uh, that magic is maybe a feeling of, uh, you know. And then I'm just, in my head, I'm just like, this kid thinks he can open doors with his mind now because of, you know, or whatever. and then and then and then and then and then and then and then um symbolically you can open doors your mind you know that's kind of magic no dude come on so uh so it's like uh man i don't even know i was talking about honestly just magic or something oh yeah magicians they get they get they get they you know because magicians are uh they get they get they get they get like it's crazy they they get like women i don't talk about david blaine david blaine's more of a yeah sure he does magic sometimes magic quote unquote but he does uh more like watch watch me stand in the sahara desert

for nine years i like okay yeah that's not magic right that's you're just pushing your body to the limit you know watch me eat this shopping cart where is it at the end oh uh a wheel comes out. But that, so it's like, you know, but magicians like guys who have cards and shit that are just like, pick one. Yeah. Well, oh, look at that, you know.

And I don't like that. Some magicians are cool, dress cool. Like, don't do that. Dress in a fucking dorky suit with tails and a dumb hat. Don't be all fucking leather jacketed out being like, is this your car?

card you dofess but it fools the opposite sex is like oh my god oh my god oh my god oh is that your card this is your card just still holding a deck of cards getting fucking sucked off into oblivion just having a mind-bending orgasm just letting a few the cards just carefully just slip out of your hand zayn of those your cards are those your cards and i drop oh my god it was that was the one when i met you the tonight earlier the jack of the jack of hearts more like jack off hearts see uh on a motorcycle fuck you bitch just the most devious dude tricked you bitch. Thanks for the mouth.

I got 21 progress. Oh, hey there, how's it going? I see a license registration. What seems to be the problem officer? Well, you were driving recklessly and on one wheel on your motorcycle there and I just had to pull you over.

No, I wasn't. No, I seem to remember you were. Pick a card. What? Pick a card. out of that yeah okay

gotcha rides back around pass the car takes the car back it's mine and it goes back to that chick's house and then fucking I want it around two

anyway keep this card the cops are looking for it it How are we letting magicians get away with this? Eyeliner. Take it off. Dude, put on a fucking bad braided belt. You know what I mean? Be dorky. Be the, be the, be the guy hired at a party.

Not the guy having one. But anyway, magicians will be the last thing, the last job. Magician, the last job starring Matt Damon. This November, this Christmas, you know. When they fucking put the movie out on Christmas, that's got no business coming out on Christmas, dude. You have Christmas movies, you have romantic comedies, and that's it, dude.

When you do shit like release movies like The Odyssey on Christmas, I want to, I just, you got some fucking nerve, dude, that Tom Hanks one that came out, the camera didn't even move two years ago. It was like him at Helen Hunt. And they just, it was from the beginning of time to now. What's the movie called?

Like, then or some shit. And the camera doesn't move. And it's probably by Ron fucking, whatever his name is Howard. And it starts with dinosaurs, you know? And then it ends with Tom Hanks in a living room. Like, suck. Dude.

Blip it out. But like, on Christmas? You're going to release that movie. On Christmas, dude. I know we all want to ignore our families, but you got some nerve. I'm going to go to the fucking Regal Cineplex.

What's it called? No, not Cloud Atlas. No, not Cloud Atlas. This movie you don't even remember because it fucking came and went on Christmas. Yeah, I think it's called Here or something. It was like he's back. with Helen Hunt or something?

Who? Robin White, yeah, yeah, yeah. From Friday, right, it's like, yeah, it's like, not Forrest Gump, too, what you wanted. Not what you wanted for all these years. Forest Gumpier, not that. A movie where we just leave the fuck, there's no director. We just put the camera down. And they kind of fucking, we don't even know if they have talked to each other since then. And, you know, anyway, this Christmas, here, we didn't even bother to name it.

We named it when we delivered it, what we said when we gave it to the guy. Here, this Christmas, watched the guy from Forrest Gump and the girl from Forrest Gump, not in Forrest Gump. We know you wanted. You asked, we ignored. here this Christmas. Sure, if you want to call it Faris Gumpy or call it that, we don't give a fucking rats as this Christmas.

You come ignore your families and sit in a room with us. The camera doesn't even move. You can sit in this room for so long. It's from the beginning of the world to fucking now. Here, we've got some nerve from fuck you studios dude let's just look at the

I guarantee there's a stupid cameo in it too by like Giancarlo Esquizito or some shit and it's like oh my god what the fuck Tom I don't like movies that you can't Google here you know you're right here it goes movie or like the movie men that horror movie that dipshit ass movie

men man man they used they should have used the men men men men men men men menly men men men men they should have used the fucking two and a half men theme song for that song that would have that would have been scary i can make a horror movie bro here 2004 film here is a 2025 24 american well i was writing on money with that uh two years ago based on a graphic novel by richard mcguire you know i i um it premiered in october two 2024 before theatrical release so many pictures on oh it got it got released november first i was wrong but uh whatever It grows $16 million.

You know, at least they didn't have to pay a fucking camera guy. You know what, leave it. Dinosaurs are shown roaming an area. Here's a plot. Dinosaurs are just, and I guess this was a book. So you can't say, obviously it was a success if they made it a movie. So you can't even say it's a bad idea. Wow.

Dinosaurs are shown roaming an area until they are wiped out and the Ice Age takes hold. After the Ice Age ends, the lanterns green again much later. The area is home to the Lenny Lenape people. And a storyline follows a man and a woman, their courtship, family, and eventually the woman's death. The man sees a hummingbird, which is periodically throughout the film afterwards. Okay, here's the deal. If part of describing the movie is, the man sees a hummingbird, don't make it. And that goes for disclosure day.

It's a Cardinal. I saw it. I saw Disclosure Day. And first of all, what's her name in it? Who? No, it's not Amy Adams. Emily Blunt. She should be nominated.

She is unbelievable, dude. She's really a great actress. And I love her. And I just don't, that movie is like, Steven Spielberg with the aliens again. And then he was in the interview like, I think I should be the ambassador for aliens.

I made enough movies about aliens. I mean, I would love to, you know. Also, Disclosure Day is too long, all right? When you make a movie that's more than two hours long, you got some kind of opinion of yourself, you know? Yeah, and, you know, I'm not, you know, it's just, yeah. I watched Disclosure Day, watched Backrooms, too. Did you see Backrooms?

man backrooms is just fucking bad dude like i wanted to like it really first of all backrooms it's so drawn out you don't need you don't need that many shots of that fucking guy and 12 years of slave that's going like this you don't need that many shots of the guy walking into a room with four doors and one's a short one. You don't need it. And I understand the background. The aesthetic of the movie is great. There's just too much of it

time-wise. All right? What's his name? Chinnell Sidwell or something? The fucking... Shinobi? There's like no way of saying his name without being in fear of being called racist. I don't know, man. Just be Fred.

You know? Like, to Fred, Fred. So Fred's walking through the thing and there's like stop signs on half buried couches. And the aesthetic is cool. But then it's like, man, that woman in it is all.

I really like that woman too. I'm such an idiot. I don't know if she's from anything. She's like such a respected, well, good actress. She's really pretty, too. Chouotel, edgio4.

Chuitel edgio4. Oh, my god imagine this is your teacher on that one chidi el metegiogor um anyway uh what do you call it uh he's walking through rooms and shit and he finds a portal that goes underground kind of and it's an alternate universe and there's different rooms and the rooms are memories of people and they're not really good at duplicating things and then he gets taken into the dark side and then his therapist tries to save him and she sees a hummingbird. That's all the news here today.

I had a congratulations and I really appreciate you guys listening on. I'll be in Denver. I will be in DC, Louisville, Pittsburgh, Miami. Go to chrysleyer.com. And I'm coming to Europe. Thank you very much.