Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 513. About That Munch Life

Episode Date: June 25, 2026

Today we're talking about the ongoing Reflecting Pool saga, performing at rambunctious late shows, Clavicular in Paris, the Ginsu knife, and main characters. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk. Hey guys, what's up? Welcome to episode 5. 1.3 of congratulations. Thanks to legend social casino and sportsbook for sponsoring this episode. I, well, now it's been a while since I've talked about working out, okay? It really has been. Really.

And today was just a bonkers. I mean, I really went for it, dude. and I pushed hard and I and I was screaming at the gym. I was screaming on my last reps, dude. Do you understand? And I saw a guy on Instagram and he said, if you're not making weird faces or screaming a little bit by the end of your workout, you're not working out hard enough.

And I go, that may or may not be true, but I'm adopting that for myself. So that's what I do. That's what I do. The upside down guy was there. just kind of bouncing around fully upside down a lot and making up exercises, never using the equipment, how it should be used. And it's just so annoying. And that's the update on the upside down guy. That's the update on my fitness. I mean, I was just at the hack squat and just really

just brutalizing my quads. And that's what's up. I will be in Pittsburgh this weekend, Brea, California, the next one, Washington, D.C., the next one, Miami, Florida. And Louisville and Spokane. And you know what? I just added Paris and Brussels and a bunch of different European dates, which I guess I'm going. My wife just called me and was like, you're going to do Paris? What the heck? You didn't tell me?

And I was like, no, I didn't not tell you. I just didn't tell you yet. And so I don't know if she's coming or what. My schedule is jam-packed in Europe, though. So a lot of that is going on. And I'll be in Tulsa, too. So anyway, chrisley.com get tickets. I've got a lot of new material I was doing today.

Today, the other day in Denver. Denver's cool. Denver and Utah. When I'm there during June, the gay month, it's unbelievable how many pride flags they have. It's just unbelievable. I saw an orthodontist's office with a pride flag in it. And it's just like, oh, just, oh, just, just fix my teeth. You know?

If a guy's a girl If a guy's a girl Oh, I just fix my teeth That has nothing to do with it Just straighten my teeth out Oh bro, just straight my teeth out Nobody's even talking about that You know

When you go into the dog Who's bashful to go to the orthodontist Because they're gay And they think They're gay and they think that The orthodontist Is going to shame them for it Hey, don't tell the orthodontist

It's none of his beeswax Man, remember beeswax? why would they just change why was that a thing? A, it's none of your beeswax. Why was that a thing? It should just be business. It is business. You can't just change a word from business to beeswax and not shorten it and whatever.

I was never into it. I never really did the beeswax stuff. I don't even know what beeswax is. I think you put on surfboards or some, I don't know. Whatever it is, it's fine. But I was in Denver. The altitude got me messed up in Denver. Denver. I mean, just, when I'm in, when I'm in Denver, if I'm in there for more than a,

if I'm there more than a day, a full day, which sometimes I'm not, I'm only there for the night, you know, but I played the weekend there. I go, I just start getting crazy anxious, anxiety from the, what do you call it, from the altitude, from just being higher up, like a little bit. And, uh, I couldn't shake it. I just kept drinking coffee and eating salmon though. Anyway, so does it help anxiety? Coffee and salmon? No? I'll just, it's all good. I'll just eat that anyway. I'll go to this market for a bit and chill and have salmon and rice and then a coffee. And whatever. But I stayed at this hotel that was like it was popping. I didn't mean to stay at a popping hotel. It's called the Ramble. And it's a great hotel. But they give you a physical key, which I don't ever want. No, obviously, I mean a card. Obviously, a key is a card, but they didn't give me a card. They gave me a physical key like it was 1997.

I don't like these physical keys for hotels because then you can't lose them without feeling like a legit scum, you know? And I didn't lose it. And I kept it in my pocket, this heavy key, which I don't want because I'm not home. When I'm not home, I don't want keys on me. When I'm not home, when I'm on either vacation or a work trip, I don't want keys on me. I don't know. Another thing to lose, right? So it was, it was fine. I ended up getting the key and it was all good. But, you know, worked out there in Denver at a gym that was all blue. And then, you know, Denver is like where I'm, I can't, people were talking. A lot of people know me in Denver, I guess. Because I, I can't, I was going places and they were just stopping me in it, which was really. nice. I really loved in Denver. But it's another week now and I am home until I go to Pittsburgh.

And, you know, Pittsburgh is, well, Pittsburgh is what it is. I have no idea. It's probably going to be super hot. But they've got those bugs there that I've never seen before. Those freaking jacket bugs or what I don't know. They're from like North Korea or something or Vietnam. something. And then they just like started sprouting out over in over in Pittsburgh. Some some Korean guy just brought him, I guess. I don't know. He was just like, no, it'll be fine. And then now there's just

millions and millions. I don't know. If you're in Pittsburgh, you know what bugs I'm talking about. But if you're not, you don't. And so, you know, the things that happened this week are, as stated. I I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I don't know what my dad's house, my, my, my mom and dad's house, it's just a gas station. And I don't, I don't know what it is about that. It's just a gas station thing.

like I'll be like, all right, well, we're going to go see Toy Story 5. And he says, we don't have to get gas, do we? I'm like, uh, actually, we did. We did. I said, actually, you know what? I think we do. And he goes, no, I don't want to get gas. I was like, what do you mean?

He's like, are we going to do the thing where you just put the car on the robot or do you have to go in? I'm like, oh, no, I think I got to go in. My car doesn't work. I don't know the zip code. And he goes, no. And I'm like, it's fine. The whole way down to the gas station, he's just like, dad, I don't want to do it.

I can't. I just please don't. And I'm like, what the, what, what happened to you at a gas station? You know, did someone smash your Legos at the gas station once? And so, so I go, so I do it. It was, I had to talk him down, dude, for like 15 minutes. I'm like, you're going to be able to see me. I'm right there.

You see the window. You can see me. I had to talk him down. Like it was a man on a ledge. And he did. And I'm proud of him. And that's good. And then we got to Toy Story.

five just in time. Okay? Me and the boys. We met my wife and my nanny there. And we all watched it. Now, Billy is three. Okay. And Billy wants to, I got five seats in a row, all right?

Billy, uh, is, it's so interesting seeing your sons be the same and also different. Okay. So Billy wants to sit a full, Billy wants to sit a full seat away from me. He wants me to have a seat. Then he wants an empty seat. And then he wants his seat. So I'm sitting there, Calvin. The other people aren't there yet.

It's just us, me and the boys. And Billy is like, no, you sit there. I said, well, Billy come sit next to me. He goes, no. He says, I'm cold. So I go get a hoodie. from the car, bring it back. And the only

sweaters I have or hoodies I have are mine. Okay? So I've come in with three extra large hoodies. I put one on. I put one on Billy, who is like, I mean, he just, he looks like a, what do you call those? Like a jelly. It looks like a jellyfish in it. just so, just like so big.

He's got one of my merch, my merch, my merch hoodie's on. And then Calvin's got a button, a little button up thing on that I, I wear. And I have to like keep folding it over. And they look so frinkin adorable. And in the middle of the movie, so we're watching Toy Story 5,

which is by the way, I need to break through you, but it's not good. And I like those movies. I like hoppers. I liked, um, the, the other one I saw recently.

But the, you know, the Pixar movies or whatever, the Disney movies, those movies are oftentimes the best movies. You know, I understand they got that woke stuff that they try to push sometimes. I'm not, I even taking that into consideration. I didn't see the one, the Buzz Light Year 1 where they were two, where they were gay guys or whatever or two gay women, just munching. One small step for a man and a beautiful munch for a woman. And so I saw Toy Story 5 and I expected it to be good and it just was kind of boring.

And they had the idea was cool. The tech versus toys were like, oh no, kids don't play with toys anymore. They just use tech. That was a great idea. But it was just like, I don't know. I don't care about this fucking iPad bouncing around played by Aquafina. Why they fucking call her Aquafina? I mean, this timeline is insane.

Isn't she just some woman? She's not a rapper, right? She's just like Aquafina. She's a rapper. That was her thing. I never see her doing albums. She does albums? Aquafina, dude.

How come they didn't get mad at her for fucking appropriating black culture? Stop Asian hate, that's why. But anyway, it wasn't that good of a movie in. And I don't want to say that around Calvin and Billy because they loved it. And halfway through the movie, the thing is called LilyPad. The iPad thing is called LilyPad, played by Aquafina. And Billy says out loud, I'm the, I'm not the Lily Pad.

I'm playing pants for zombies. And we just started laughing so hard. But Billy got up and he started walking around the movie theater, one arm out of the hoodie above the neck. So he looked like he had a toga on. It looked like he was Julius Caesar just walking around. Toy Story 5 at the Cineplex. While I was just stuffing my face with fucking large pretzels, bro,

when you go to a theater or a ballpark and you get, and you don't get a large pretzel, you ain't shit. And I'll tell you what, dude, I blew my calories out of the water yesterday because I wanted that pretzel. And when I blow my calories out, oh, dude, I'm not just blowing my calories out. I'm blowing one whole other person's calories out. I'm getting pretzels.

I'm getting popcorn. I'm after that eating half a cookie. Bro, when I was in Denver, I ate three cheeseburgers and two large chocolate chip cookies and some fries. When people say, I'm so full and they're not even done with their fucking one burger?

I go, I go mental, mate. I go absolutely mental. I don't get it. I don't, I ain't up. Are you really about that life? Do you eat booty? I'm really, I'm about that life, dude. I'm about that much life.

You really about that life? You eat booty? But yeah, I don't, I don't subscribe to this. A man, my aunt used to always, she was skinny, such a skinny minnie. And she would always be like, I'm starving. And even as an eight-year-old, I'd be like, you're not going to eat that much. Why the fuck do you say that?

Me little Frank Sinatra, you know, like a little Frank Sinatra at a six-year-old. Well, damn, you're not going to fucking eat. Every time we go, I eat fucking more than you do. And I'm nine, bitch. Hit it. Plank! Ain't that a kicking your fucking small stuff? Um, yeah, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't know, man. I'm, I'm, I, I'm just an addict,

you know, and I can eat, eat, eat, eat, eat MCs. I can eat, eat, eat, eat MCs. Shout out to cannabis. Or no, shout out to Mike Tyson, right? That's who said it to cannabis. No, on the cannabis record, whatever. My point is, uh, I can eat. I'm eating two burgers tonight, dude. Burgers a snack. We don't need to keep talking about that. But, you know, a lot of heckler. I will say that the late Friday show is always the tricky one, period.

As a comic, I don't know if you know this or not, or if I've talked about this. If you're comic, you know this. If there's a late Friday night show, it's the tricky one. Because people come, they finish work. Okay. The two shows are, it'll be like 7.30. 930, right, or 945. So 7.30, they finish work, they go to dinner, they come to the show,

okay? 930, 945 show, they go to work, they go to dinner, they have drinks, they drink more, and then they come to the show and get drinks, okay? So you're just fucked. I'm on stage. I'm a 20-year comedian, okay? And I'm up there fighting for my life, all right? And, and, and, and, and, And nobody really realizes it. They think that, because it's not heckling like, fuck you. It's heckling like standing up and going, oh, oh. And like just absolute menace shit. And I'm up there and they were, it was the drunkest.

And I don't want to say bad. I mean, it was a bad crowd. But they were laughing. I was doing well. I was killing. But they wouldn't shut up. dude. And I cannot remember the last time I've had an audience like that. And, and, and afterwards, everyone was like writing me on Instagram, like on commenting or DMing me. I'm so sorry about that

crowd. You handled it great. And one guy goes like this. I'm so, yo, dude, I've been wanting to see you forever. And I don't know what was up with that crowd, but it just wasn't it, man. I really wanted to see you do material. I think I'm going to come tomorrow too. And, I'm like, it made me feel bad. I'm not in control of these people's minds. Hey, if you wrote me that and you listen to this podcast, it made me feel bad too. I don't like it. Some guy got thrown out happily.

I mean, dude, it was just, it was insane. But Denver's got them pieces, huh? Jesus Christ. The women in Denver? They got the pieces, right? What the fuck? Why are they fucking hogging all the pieces in this? Denver.

What's Denver hogging to people? What is this, dude? Is this Denver or a box with a jigsaw puzzle in it? Because all I see is pieces. Now, I hate that I said that. But it is what it is. And Denver is a jigsaw puzzle. But it is, you know, I'll tell you where there's not pieces,

Pittsburgh. I'm going there. Because even if a chick's hot, she's got that fucking accent, you know? Yeah, of course. And you're just like, oh, never mind. Yeah, I'll suck you off, of course. Oh. Actually, it's cool.

Yeah, come here. Let me jack you. We jack you a little bit here. Come here. Oh, dude, it's kind of weird. There it is. Get it out. Fucking get it out right now.

God damn it. I'm not into this. Come on. Come on. Imagine you were. getting an H.J from someone and they just kept going, come on, come on, come on. A woman. Come on, come on, come on. Like, do you have somewhere to be? Come on. I'm going to miss my train. Get it out. There it is. There it is. All over. All right. Nice to see you. Say hello to your mother.

Nice to see you. Just fucking get it out there. Ah, there we go. All that warm go. All right. Come on. catch you later say hi to you uncle i'm out of here got to get to the train um but yeah anyway uh it is what it is and uh it's all good i'm just trying to i'm just trying to see you know i'm just trying to see how strong i can get i start forgetting things like crazy like easy easy, easy. Like, you ever try to close your eyes and think about what you're wearing? Do that right now. Don't look.

Do that. It's too hard. Can you do that? I can't. I can't do that. And if I go, I know I, I know I did this this week, but where was it? What room was it in? I'm fucked, dude.

And part of me is like, is this early onset, you know, like, what do you call it? Dementia? I don't even remember what it's called. or is it just my brain i think of so many things as as time progresses as it goes as the day goes on like i'm telling you man the things i think about got no business being thought about that i'm just pushing the other shit out like why do i need to think about what shoes i'm wearing you know they say like steve jobs not that i'm a genius like that but you know what i'm saying like steve jobs is like yo i wear this outfit and that's it because i don't want to think about what i have to wear

because I have to think about other shit. And that's, that's gangster, dude. That's pretty cool. I can't do that. I like different clothes too much. So it's like, but as I get older, you know, I need a uniform.

But a little bit more extravagant than a fucking mock turtleneck with some jeans and a braided belt and new balance. We got clavicular seducing a French woman. I don't know if he does. it or not.

But here we go. Oh, he kissed her hand. That's assault, brother. Good thing you're in France. Brother, it's assault. What we doing here? Lock him up. Is that even clavicular?

I guess it is, right? I don't mean to bother you while you're working. Look at the American. Wait, who's he with? Is that Baron Trump? It looks like him. But why are the easy? He's such American psycho, this other guy.

Hey, how tall is clavicle? do you know? Is he tall? You're very pretty. Oh, he said, you're very pretty. She says, what do you want? It's French. Not shows with tequila shots? Yeah, yeah, thank you.

How, um, no, no, it's not, I know it's not. It's not very strong. Uh, this guy just, uh, remember the head TV where the camera just follows him around all. It's just what this is, this guy, just only with like, kind of less purpose. Or, I mean, I guess his purpose is magging, right? Look, so he's just on, what the fuck is around his waist? Game is gone. Game is gone, he says.

You know, I got to say, man, okay, so this guy's got to be a sociopath, right? Because to, okay, there's multiple levels. Let's break this down. wanting to be filmed all the time what do I call it? Streaming all the time. Filmed. Like it's fucking Scorsese with him or something.

Like Stephen Spielberg's, like this was what happened after Stephen Spielberg did the shitty disclosure day. He's like, I guess I'll just fucking stream clove. So, dude, clavicular. So he's in this bar.

The camera just follow him around, huh? And, And he'll just do, like, there's just no shame, no embarrassment. And look, he's a good looking dude. You know, he's found fortune and fame through all this. So that's great. But they just, to be the kind of mind where, because you start out somewhere, you go,

you go, okay, yeah, hey, camera, sure, follow me around everywhere. All right. So there's that. So you get no time where you're just chilling, right? You always have to be quote unquote on. Or you don't. and they're just still watching anyway. So that in its own is a probably a mental disorder.

You know? I mean, I'm willing to give streamers who sit there and talk to the chat the benefit of the doubt. Okay? But the second you get out of that chair and go, come with me, all day, you get mental problems. Okay. Now, now let's take that aside, all right? to be blatantly hitting on every, you know, a lot of pretty women all day. As a young man, I'm not saying it's unacceptable, but most likely if you're doing that as much as he's doing that, you get mental problems.

Okay. Now, now, now, so there's those two things. Okay. Now, put them together. The third thing is, do. doing this on stream. And you're going to get denied, no matter who you are,

you're going to get denied sometime, okay? Your game's going to be weak. Okay. And to be continually doing that on stream, he got mental problems. Okay? Now, that aside, I want to say you have balls,

but it's, you know, You might have balls, but what's either deep inside the balls or dressing the balls is mental problems. Okay? So let's say this. The core nucleus of your balls are mental problems. And then you've got your balls, which is like, hey, dude, props. And then you put on a coat of mental problems.

That's basically what's going on. So I'm not taking the you've got balls from you. You've got balls. You've got balls starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Hey, I got an email. Hey, what's that? Wow. How yeah.

All over this June. So, um, sleepless and balls. What was that? Fucking Sleepless in Seattle. Um, never saw it. I guarantee Adam Ray loves that movie. Uh, so this is clavicular. bombing. Hey guys, I hate to interrupt myself, but I'm going to talk to you about Legends.

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didn't like this dude. Dudes with a nose job are nuts. I'm sorry, dude. And, you know, do what you want. Straight up do what you want. I don't, I mean, but that's wild to get a nose job. And if you're going to get a nose job as a dude, honestly, the only sense it makes is get it bigger. Put a fucking crook in it. Because that's crazy. You're, you're shaving your nose down, bro?

What? Hey, put a crook in it. I want my nose to have a fucking. elbow. Hit me. I want to give you guys some roses. Who the fuck is this Baron Trump? You guys are very beautiful. Hey, if you want to roll

with us, we're going to head to one of the clubs. Yeah, we got better plans than whatever your high plan. Oh, guy fucked it up. Oh, you're telling me, if that was the dude, if that was my dude, I'd turn around. Bro, you're going to fuck. He's, that's the John Favre. of Vince Vaughn and Swinger.

You're gonna fuck it up, dude. Just let me hand them roses and fucking get him going. I'm the famous one. I got a bunch of, you know, maybe they want followers, dude. Do you ever think of that?

Don't fucking, don't be so aggressive also with your fucking low-ass voice like that. Whatever you're doing, it fucking sucks dick. What we're doing is Primo. Come on. Come on.

He's the son of the woman jerk, the Pittsburgh woman jerking off. Come on. Come on. There we go. All over. Great. Say hello to your aunt for me. Boy, I miss her. She's great, right? She's still living over on the East side. Prophecy that. What are your plans?

You tag along and find out. So, have no plans. Have no plans. What we're going to do is even better than what you're doing. Really? What are your plans? Tag along and find out, you know, what they're going to do, walk around with the fucking stream? Yeah, you just got to look at us and dress this. What do you think? If you want to take a leap of faith that we'll show you a good time. A worse pastor. Tag along. Whatever.

We'll grab one of your numbers. If not, go back you. We have other friends coming. We'll see with him. All right. Your loss. Dick!

That guy is just rude, bro. You're lost, bitch. Get on a fucking moped and leave, you know? Fucking too tall. Lanky-ass slender man. because French girls are different also Who is this guy? Yeah, I'll tell you.

Why's this guy, why's it you with a mater D? What the fuck, dude? In Miami, you go up, you say, hey, slut, you want to fuck? Yeah, yeah, Hugh doesn't work like that. I mean, hold on, a second. Your loss. In Miami, oh, ho-ho. Because French girls are different also, you know?

Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you. In Miami, you go up, you say, hey, slut, you want to fuck and it works. Yeah, yeah, Hugh doesn't work. In Miami, you go up, you say, hey, slut, want to fuck, and it works. Nice. I'm not so sure that you get to creme de la creme of women like that. You might get like the lumpy looking women or something, the ones that shouldn't be wearing that outfit. But I was going to say, I've been having a good time though.

French girls are pretty? You know, like itself. So bad. I said, how are you enjoying your night so far? I mean, this is the fucking shit this guy says? How are you enjoying your night so far? How do you fucking are you Is this real? Is this guy not

This is not a guy in a suit This is not AI Are you fucking Hey How are you enjoying your night so far Learned just learned English You're bothering me Well let's make it a little better than okay

Why don't you guys come with us We'll take you to the club It's gonna be a lot more fun than whatever you have to like So dick So do you go well you don't trust me I don't know I'll show you guys a good time

no plus it's nice to walk around with the pretty girl that's plus it's nice to walk around so so okay I'm gonna give it to him that was actually kind of nice

but then when she didn't hear him and you can't say that again you go all right I fucking you you don't hear me then you didn't hear my niceness you're not getting it again because it's gonna come off all fucking wonky dude

you coming with me and that dude did you imagine me on the stream Just fucking married You're fucking coming to what You didn't drink enough? Hey, how you doing? Who is this other guy?

Very pretty eyes. I like that. How are you doing? This guy. Why does he sound like he's fucking up, up, up to his neck in a pool? Why is he sound like the pressure's getting him? Hey, how are you guys doing?

What are you guys doing? You guys doing that? We're going to come with us? Fucking have a bad time if you don't. Come on. Let me grab you and bring you here. How you doing? I just said when I walked in, I saw you.

What's your name for? That's nice. That's what I'm known for, like live streaming. Yeah. I'm just expecting. If you want to join me and him, we'll show you a good time later. But how can? smashed him.

Now let me ask you question. Why can they just film it wherever? If I walk into a fucking anywhere with a camera filming me, I swear to God, they're going to be like, yeah, you can't film in here. With the cutoffs, dude. Look at the Mater D he's with, dude.

I said later, you know, if you want to come to the clubs, that's totally fine. If not, all good. All right, take care. Trenching. Friends don't give a fuck. Really?

Really? Is that no I-O-I-Y? Look at this other guy. This other guy looks like snow. Informer, you know, said, let me say, I'll complain. A lick you boom-m-down. Detective Minas says,

let him snow miss up. Someone down the lane. A lick you boom-m-down. That's snow right there. Are you kidding me? Dude, I can't stand those fucking glasses that people wear. The snow glasses, dude.

Look at his. fucking glasses. Looks like he got him straight out the gas station. I guarantee, okay, maybe they're $450, they still look like it.

Bro, whenever I walk by a girl and there's no I-O-I, I'm like, what the fuck am I being trolled? Like, they must be a lesbian. Eye to I?

I-O-I. Eye contact? I don't know. You know what I mean? You know, no, we cracked a cobra. Yeah. Right?

Like, that's only logical. They just don't want to get clipped. That's it. Ah, dude, clipped. dude this to want to get clipped

that's it you farm you know said let me just don't see how come blam a leki boom down bonjour I'm American so I don't really speak you speak English

this dude's got some balls I mean yeah it's got a fucking mental probes jacket on well you look very beautiful what do you guys up to you later tonight a restaurant Dude, this kid doesn't even know what people say to him. A restaurant.

Like he just fucking so much and so little going on through his mind. So restaurant. Yeah, dude. What happens when he meets somebody that doesn't suffer fools? A man. You know? Oh, like the one guy from 60 minutes or whatever it was where he was like, And he was good looking.

And so he's like, and so you think being good looking is the best thing? And he's like, yeah. He's like, okay. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And the guy was like, you don't want to spice it up a little bit and hit like a club or something? Oh, spice it up.

Not tonight. All good. Well, I hope you guys enjoy your dinner. Take care yourself. Bye. Yeah, not. It wasn't feeling it. So I just fucked off.

Who cares about any of this, honestly? Even that he bombed. I don't care. You know. it's cool I guess I guess people don't look I say

I swear on French Twitter we had a blast the last few days just making fun of him and his interactions in Paris he was so ridiculous he ended up saying girls in Paris are all lesbians because no one gave a fuck about him

Elamayo why why I just think I don't know I am actually I mean you know he laid you know he got laid though you sluts be slants

and there be slants everywhere There be sluts everywhere, ar. In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife. You can spread butter on your toast with it. This method doesn't work with a tomato. That's why we use the ginsu. It's a knife that no kitchen should be without. The ginsu can cut a slice of bread so thin you can almost see through it.

It cuts meat better than an electric knife. Not good, you know. though it were melted butter. The ginsu is so sharp it can cut through a tin can. And still slice a tomato like this. It can chop wood and still remain. And you get a bunch of aluminum in the potato and the tomato and eat it and then die. Not good.

How much would you pay for a knife like this? Oh. Before you answer, listen, it even comes with a matching fork to make carving a pleasure. Wait, there's much, much more. There is? I also want you to have this six and one kitchen tool. It peels and sliver. Let's see what much, much more is.

Pills potatoes and slices paper-thin potato chips. This amazing little knife, even- What white? I mean. How much would you pay for all these items? Wow, they're really throwing the fucking everything in here. What is that fucking thing? You'll get this unique spiral slicer down and down around and around and you'll have a beautiful...

This shit break. One thing I know is this shit breaks immediately. You get the ginsu knife. Here, have all this fruit, too. And the steak. A set of six steak knives and the spiral slicer. What a bunch of bullshit. Guaranteed in writing for 50 years.

Oh, guaranteed in writing. The Ginzun knife set is guaranteed for 50 years from date of purchase, if not completely satisfied return. Imagine returning it 48 years later, dude. Where? Hey. Oh, let me get that. You know what it broke.

Finally broke. It finally broke when I used it in a fucking reflective pool. I tried to cut up. open a 350 you saw me out there anyway let's uh we got to bring it back to

Warwick, Rhode Island for only 995 it's the most incredible knife offer ever 9 dollars a 95 cents cold toll free 1,800 835 2246 or save COD charges by sending 995

9.95 shit is fucking an easy decision. Give me all those knives. This is the original ginsu. Look at this. For anyone honoring the address they show listed for returns refunds is now a preschool,

so probably don't return your knives there. See? All right. Well, that's, that's, that, the kid has done it with that. Huh? They do? Still have a website?

Wow. That's amazing. Holding up a bus. What is MC? Main character holding up a bus. She's in front of the bus with her white dog and her Starbucks. Let her on the bus with a service animal.

Jesus Christ. I'm so sick of goddamn service animals. What's the service? Letting you be a bitch? Everybody's on the bus. Are you kidding me? I'd be off that bus in a second. Give me the dog.

Give it to me. It's my dog now. Yeah, the dog's getting on. The dog's getting on the bus. Dog's my dog. Because I'm getting on the bus. Dog's my dog now. Look at this guy.

Mom, please. This is just a guy. Yeah, you can, well, you're, for once you're, for one, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you seem absolutely crazy. There's no reason to not my man, man. Oh my gosh, singing. A musical. Oh, this guy. This guy just doesn't get paid enough, you know, he's just like, can you just, oh, man.

Get me off the bus. Excuse me, ma'am. Um, give me the goddamn dog. I'm a writer, too. DMX. I wonder what this guy's saying. What happens here? Does it?

Oh, the police show up. Boop, ma'am, give me the dog. Whop, ma'am, give me the dog. It's my dog now. It's a cop's dog. See, these are the kind of situations where I go, you know, I would never want to be a cop because you're going to get stabbed, you know? Or shot or spit on or something.

but this kind of shit, I go, make me a cop. Because I go right to freeze. Move out of the crosswalk. Just fully freeze. Give me the, move out of the crosswalk, and hand me the dog. It's my dog now. But I, give me the dog.

Your owner's dead. You got a new owner. You're causing some traffic. I leave this poor cop. A service animal. what cop says What's the service for So you can be a bitch Freeze

It's my dog now Arrest her Dude they moved her There goes the bus She didn't get on the bus She fucking couldn't do it A lot of A lot of good protesting

Now everyone's late to work Now she's making everybody She got she got women fired right there Yay She champions women yeah She got women fired yeah Every day service animal, my fucking asshole, you know?

Where do papers, bitch? The cops. Freeze! We're the papers, bitch! I don't like any service animals. You know what there should be here? You know what service animals are? Service animals.

Horses. Bison. You know what I mean? If I can't fucking ride it, the service is riding it. Okay? You don't just get to bring a fucking bunny on a plane. All right?

I don't, I'm not service pig and shit, you know? Oh, really? That's your service fucking, uh, ferret? Or do you just want to ferret? You mental, you may have balls, but you got a jacket of mental problems on. Yeah, you're keeping your balls nice and warm with your jacket and mental problems. And by the way, inside the balls and the nucleus of the balls, mental problems. Freeze!

The cop, dude. It's great. I haven't seen the World Cup. I've seen none of the World Cup. And everyone's telling me I should watch the World Cup. Not watching it. Mbapé, no thanks. Messi, no thanks.

The other guy with the six-pack, Ronaldo, no thanks. Not watching it. And I don't, you know, I don't like when games can just be one nothing. There's too long of a game for it to be fucking one nothing, dude. Now, I'm not saying do basketball route and have it be 155 to 149. That's, that's also fucking crazy. The game, the sports with the best, uh, uh, uh, outcome of numbers. is football or, you know, it could be baseball, but it's usually too low.

Baseball. Baseball I got a whole other thing for, though. The whole thing with the fucking, there's too many, what is an inning even? What even fucking is an inning? You just made up for baseball? But yeah. You know, quarters, okay. Haves.

Thirds. There you go. Fucking innings. And I've said this before, but the game's done when it's done. You don't do fucking more game after. It's a tie. You go down to fucking hits. You said the game was going to end at fucking nine in, made up fucking innings.

And now because it's tied, we're going to do 10 or 11 innings. Kiss my whole asshole, dude. Are you, you don't know. Go to walks. Go to strike. Go to errors. That's a good one. Because if a team had a lot of errors, then they fucking lose.

soccer stops and does a different game. You just admitted the game sucks. All right, we fucking couldn't do it with the game we wanted. Fuck it. We're just going to do a shootout. This is what the game. Let's, come on, let's wrap it up with a shootout. Come on.

Because we don't fucking want to be here this long. You're admitting it. This is too long. Yeah. No, you know what? Is the game the game the game? Then play the fucking game as long as the game goes. And then when the game stops, if it's three,

three to three, then it's a fucking tie. And if you don't want to do a tie, then go to errors. I just, I'm not, I can't, you got, and I say this a lot, but it is like a guy with a truck that gets that little fucking cover for the flatbed. Motherfucker, get a car. You got, you want a truck or not? Little house on wheels and shit. What are you transporting?

I just, it's fine. And I get it. Sometimes you change your mind and changing your mind is fine. Just be open up front about it. I can't be my kid's going to grow up. We're going to watch your podcast. It's going to be like, what the fuck is dad talking about? What was he talking about?

And then their kids. That's my grandpa? He's a nut. He's old. That's what they're going to say. Whatever. I'll still be alive. I'll be on that fucking AI.

Half me, half cyborg shit. Somebody was saying the other day on a, some some really smart dude or whatever that you know you know they were smart because they were both on fucking white chairs talking to each other but he said uh that he was gonna that there's no going to be no aging after 30 20 35 like they're just you don't have to you could just reverse it he said with every year you can get a year back so basically you're just not aging it was like 2035 or 2036 or 308 or something like that and i don't know what this fucking buyback program was he was talking about, but he was saying basically, you don't, you won't die. The only way you'll die is if you get hit by a car or something like that or like, you know, commit sluercide. Or, you know, maybe if your whole body is malfunctioning, I don't know. But dude, you know, there's two, we gotta go to Mars or some shit. Did I talk about Disclosure Day on here? Makes no sense. Spielberg. It took me five days to realize the fucking thing makes no sense. And I, and now I'm pissed off if I'm more.

because I went with Sam, my guy who directed Grover Dye, he's my camera guy, and he makes a lot of my clips. Dude, and when the cop, dude, here's the thing. You can, I'll suspend my disbelief. It's about aliens, dude.

And by the way, aliens are real. We all know what the government admitted it. Okay. But let's do this. I'll suspend my disbelief in saying that this movie, you watch it and you go, okay, the government's got alien, or no, this company's got aliens,

and they're at best, they're interested in keeping these aliens for themselves. So they don't know what the fuck it was about. I don't even remember at this point. But when the cops, when the FBI do it at that goes to break into a, to get these suspects in a, in a hotel. And they just crawl out the back. They didn't surround the fucking area?

The FBI? No. I go, I'm sitting. at the thing watching, I'm like, come on, dude. I'll do it to aliens with the fucking big head, with the butt heads, you know. But I'm not going to, the FBI doesn't go around the back. It's a fucking motel for Christ's sake. It's not even the fucking Waldorf.

They'd be on all the exits. They'd be on the roof. 40 FBI agents come. They're all in the front, just like, all right. All right. Turn the handle. Ah, fuck, we should have spread out. Disclosure day,

was bad. People, it was bad. And I don't, and I don't, I didn't want it to be. And I also didn't want to fucking talk about how it's bad because everyone's talking about how it's bad. But man, you know, my friend just said Spielberg's too old. I don't know if that's true. But it's just, because like, fucking what's his name?

Clint Eastwood will be, he'll be, he'll make a movie fucking 10 years after he dies. He'll be like the Tupac of directors. How did he fucking keep coming out with a shit? You'd be like, what? another movie about a fucking racist guy? How'd he do it? I don't know. He shot it all one...

He shot everything in one take before he died. He didn't care. He just did it. I don't know how... Yeah, Sean Penn's in it. That's great. I don't know how he did it. 96.

Clinice was 96. And he directed something last year. Right? Clinice would. Clinyswood, I swear to God, is going to direct the movie hell. And that'll be done after he dies when he's in hell. or heaven, whatever the fuck, you know, wherever he goes.

Purgatory and action. Juror number two was like fucking nine months ago. Two years ago. That movie was no. No, no, no, no, no. Juror number two? Nye. Cry macho, that was one too.

But he was in that too, right? Crazy, bro. 96? And action. Well, fuck. We're going to have to finish it. C.G. like they did with the Sopranos and the mom.

How could that that's a, what an impressive dude. Also, Clint Eastwood. Greatest name of all time, dude. Is it fake or what? Do you remember we watch that movie and the guy was old and he ran under the truck and I called him Clint Hydewood? Dude, you fucking, one fire laughed so hard. He was crying.

Clint Hydewood, dude. The most basic, stupidest-ass joke. of all time. Clinton Eastwood. Junior? Wow. All right. Well, I'll be in Pittsburgh coming up here.

Pittsburgh. I'll be in Louisville. I'll be in D.C., Washington, D.C. I'll be in a bunch of different places. Miami. Go to chryslea.com. And Brea, California, I'll be there, too. Go to chrisslea.com.

Get tickets and come see me. Thanks, guys. Appreciate you.