Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 519. Scoop and Doink

Episode Date: July 30, 2026

This week Chris is back from Miami and he has a lot to say about it. Plus useless stories about Burger King and the game that is controlling his brain, Pocket City 2. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk. Hey guys, what's up? It's a new episode of congratulations. Isn't that great? So, hi. I am in studio. We are in studio here to congratulations home here. And we've got a bunch of bills to pay here.

We'll be in Louisville, this weekend. We'll be in Louisville, Kentucky. It'll be in Spokane, Spokane. Washington as they say Spokane. Not Spokane even though that's spelled with the E afterwards. And then I'm going to be in Bakersfield, California. You just added

at the Well Comedy Club, a few shows there. I'm going to go to Bakersfield. I don't know how far away that is. Honestly, well, I said, okay, so look, I got Tulsa. No, he's got Tulsa, Oklahoma, Springfield, Missouri, Portugal. Phoenix is coming up.

Tempe, Arizona, Alpharetta, Georgia, which is basically Atlanta. and then Buffalo. But yeah, so go to chrouslya.com, get tickets. It has been, man, I know I said this last year, and I did it last year. But the Miami shows in my... You know what I did this weekend? I went to Miami.

I had shows. They were great. They were all great. By the way, shout out to the Miami Improv. They're great. They're so awesome. They are just such a well-run club from the manager on down. She runs a tight ship.

She's very, very, very sweet. But she runs a, I don't want to say tight ship because you think of like, hey, you better do what I say. But it's like she just, everyone's family. And it's just beautiful, man. So shout out to Melissa out there at the improv over there in Miami. And Miami is good. This time I stayed in the brickle area.

which is supposedly, I guess, so I was in my, we were, so the Miami Improv is technically in Doral or Doral. I don't know how you call it, but it's Doral or Doral. Last time I played it, I just stayed right next to the club. And it was, you know, the shows were great. But that area isn't really on and popping. So I was like, this time, you know, I'm just going to go. I'm going to stay 20 minutes away and Brickle. I guess Brickle's like the hot spot, which I don't even.

know what that means in Miami, honestly. Because Miami is the hot spot, you know. And I guess there's hotter spots. But I'll tell you one thing about Brickle is, I can't do South Beach, okay? I've stayed on South Beach before. I've obviously been to South Beach before. I've been on South Beach during Ultra. This is one of the earliest podcast, earliest podcast episodes.

I was in Miami and I was in Ultra. And I was talking about everybody, you know, in Ultra is wider than they are tall because they're just so all the dudes are so so all they just work out i mean it's crazy the bodies in miami are crazy men and women uh but i was in my i was in miami then and then so this time i was in brickel which is you know miami but uh i don't know how people can live in Miami. I mean, there's a city, there's buildings, there's establishments. I see people walking around in business suits.

But does anyone have a job? That's the one thing you look in Miami. You're like, like, there's a guy next to like a smoothie place. or an assaye bowl place and he's just outside in his shirt with his shirt off who's that guy it's tuesday you know and it's it's it's extremely too hot and some people have pants and and and long sleeves on which i just don't understand and it also the where i was stunk like shit what's up with fucking cities that just sometimes you turn a block and then oh it's going to stink like shit for a few blocks and and it's always stinking like shit in that area figure it to fuck out there's a place on cold water and ventura

uh where i used to run that coffee bean block they got a whole new thing there they got an equinox and marijuana, you get too close to that equinox, it stinks like shit every single time until you go in the equinox. And you go, hey, why is it like shit like shit out there? And they go, there's always sting like shit. It's the sewage. You go, I'll fix it. Absolutely fix it. It stinks like shit. Dude, I was in the brinkle area. I opened up the door to the balcony. All right. It stunk the room up. Like, honestly, 11 people were in there just. just shitting in it. And it was disgusting, dude.

And I had to close the door. And it still stuck like shit. I had to leave and come back. And that's when it smelled okay. I don't understand these cities. Like, get the fucking plumbing figured out. Get the sewage figure. You know, it's not like a bad area.

It's beautiful. And it's going to sing like shit. I'd rather be a little less, you know what I mean? Like, can it be a little less? Can Miami be a little less gaudy and pay whatever money they saved on the gaudiness? So the areas that stink like shit can stink less like shit? And I'm a guy that like, I actually, I don't look, I like Miami for three days, you know. If I had to live in Miami and, and, and, well, first of all, raising a family in Miami, I met a guy this weekend.

raising a family in Miami and I hung out with him for a night. He was friends with my friends and I just go, oh, that guy is not a real guy. Not a knock on him. He's having a blast. He's got a beautiful family. But I go, how do I be a real guy if I'm doing that? Because that's one thing, trying to raise a family of Miami. You're going to raise drug dealers or drug users.

There's no way if you have a family in Miami and you raise kids. not going to be raising either drug users or drug dealers. It's just not going to happen. Okay? Or, yeah, no, that's it. That's it. Those two. They will be those.

There could be other things, too, but they will be those. And so if I had to live in Miami, though, single, as a single man. And also, you can, in Miami, you can be single. from 18 to 175 and still scoop you know what I'm saying

you can be 175 fat in all the wrong places and still scoop okay you can but if I lived in Miami single

you know, a scupable male. I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'd be dead in three years. Yeah. And I fully believe, first of all, I fully believe that. And I also fully believe I wouldn't be doing drugs. I wouldn't be partying, drinking alcohol. I wouldn't be eating unhealthily.

Unhealthy? I wouldn't be, you know, I'd be working out hard, I'd be getting good, but somehow in three days, or sorry, three years, I'd be dead. It would be like he died from just being in Miami too much. The doctor would never, he'd be like, what happened? And he'd be like, well, we got to open them up. They'd do the autopsy. Do you up, oh, I think I found the problem.

What is it? Miami. Case close. I mean, maybe, like as a single dude, I mean, I would just be in on a loop. It would be groundhogs day of me doinckin, scooping and doinken. Each day, scoop and doinck. I'd open up a place called scoop and doink. Hey guys, welcome to scoop and doink.

Just rushing a hose and fucking Colombian, just drug addled BBL. Hey, welcome to scooping doink. What's your flavor? You want a Russian with the fucking nose turned up? No matter what? Gotcha. Here we go. Here.

Meet fucking this one. Olga, whatever. Hi, this is the house I want. I'm sorry, excuse me? This is the house I want if we go on the date. When we, if we, I'm looking for someone to marry. Did you sell your company yet? That's what making a joke on stage.

Nobody has a job. Every, every dude, that's what they do. They say, oh, I saw my company. oh yeah well what the fuck is it man oh import export oh dude do you do drugs or not well this is this is what you got to ask people in miami when you meet them this is the first you know how people go like hey how are you yeah good you know it's like a bullshit thing you get through oh yeah good good nobody's like well actually you know i've been really bad unless you're that guy and then you're like okay dude get a therapist you know

nobody wants to be like hey how you doing oh you know actually it's been tough my my my my wife my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my I wasn't I didn't mean that I just want to get the fucking pleasantries out the way so I can like so we can just talk about pants you know or whatever the fuck you bullshit about uh and uh but yeah everybody in Miami this is what you should should ask you. This is the first thing you have to ask them. Hey, you don't say, how you do? You say, hey, how are you dealing with drugs in, in what way do you deal with drugs? Do you actually sell it or do you just use it a lot or are you on them now or what's the deal here? That's the hey, how are you? drugs go hey hey Chris oh yeah Sam drugs go

well actually I sold a bunch about like five years ago I got in trouble with the law but now I'm good oh cool drugs yeah and I'm on them right now I'm fucking flipped out right now oh cool man cool then you talk about whatever we want to talk about I just

I just cannot believe my name people go oh yeah but Vegas is where yeah Vegas is like though is like an amusement park. You know? Vegas is like you go and you go, this is an amusement park. Miami is like you go

and it's a legitimate party war. That's what it, it's not like fun. You're like, get out, go, take these pills. Go, go, go, go, go. Fucking get in, use it. Fuck, have shit, get in here. Don't use it.

fucking bust in her and worry about it. Yes. Fucking go get tested later or don't. Fuck three, fuck five more people before you get tested. Go, go, go, go, go. Take those condoms off. Stress.

Don't shower. Fucking get out there. Go, fucking. Get in the sun too much. Be too red. Be like a pickle outside. Fucking get out there. Get kids skin cancer.

Don't check it immediately. Yeah, I just, you know, party war is what it's like. and bro, you see these people in Miami I mean, I saw that I went to my buddy my buddy's place in the

Aston how Miami does this sound this is unbelievable that something is called this by the way the Aston Martin Residencies it's a fucking it's car condos

you know what they look like inside Miami okay they're fucking everything's marble you go into apartments it's like a five bedroom and you just go like okay everything's glass even like kids rooms

have like fucking glass from top to bottom it's like you know these kids are just looking across the way just seeing other people like fuck and stuff like it's just like you know elevators just for just everywhere.

Just elevators everywhere. You take one elevator, you get off on like the 50th floor, you take a, then you got to go to the other elevator to go up to like the 100th floor. And you're like, why don't you just make one fucking elevator? And I'm like, yeah, because there's a museum. They want to walk, you want to walk through the museum level.

They want to show it off. You're like, museum level. Is this a house? Is it a condo, yeah. And then you go down to the pool and you just see like, fat dudes with like kind of pretty hot Miami women like 45 year old women but the guy's like 70 and um i'll tell you what man we went to this one place that had maybe the best cold brew

i've ever had and i've had the cold brew at 507 over in uh thousand oaks but uh oh de aguas something call it some fucking thing i don't know and um i got uh i got the cold brew and uh whatever but i'm sitting here i'm with sam my video guy and he's too like i mean i you know i don't want to be they were they were like um just they were okay let me let me put this way this is the best way i could explain i don't mean to offend anybody they were disgusting okay however uh they were not disgusting in the way that you immediately think of disgusting. They're disgusting in the way of they were, this is going to round it out perfectly. They were, they were, they were hot quote unquote, but only like anyone in the transportation business would think so. Like taxi drivers or Uber

drivers or like a teamster. You know what I mean? They'd see these women be like, oh, God damn, but they're disgusting. Do you know what I mean? just that's exactly what they're like fat fucking lips from the doctors you know because either they got injections or their spouse is a doctor and he beats her and like just butts attached to legs and they go in an order and you know

they're the kind of women that you recognize you go oh god damn but then you look at them for like three more seconds and you go oh disgusting only teamsters would want to do it so then you uh you know like like hurts rental car people behind the desk they'd be like goddeme you're like this is what i'm talking about you know everybody's there's somebody for everybody and for that woman you get a hurts a guy who works behind the desk a fucking enterprise rental car and and and i'm not and and and here's the thing. That woman is completely unhappy because she would never date

the fucking dude that works behind the counter at Avis rent a car. So it's a perpetual... This is Miami. This is a suck a suck you know party war town. And

they order they come, they sit down next to us, all right? Perfume just like like when Oppenheimer hit the button and you're like,

here it comes. Because you know it's coming. And they just sit down with their fat lips and butts attached to legs and just, you go, God damn it.

It smells like a department store. With the power, what did he fucking say? With the great power. I was so much, what the fuck is the thing we say on Lifeland? I don't know.

But anyway, I am death. Yeah. I am death. That's her. I am dead. Shea, those lindos eyes,

do cara quella quayette? Te gusto balan? Perico. Keep fucking calm dripping out. Still. Anyway, you go, they sit next to it

and I go, fuck, this sucks. Now I've got to eat, you know, a chicken bowl while particles of Dracar get into my esophage. This is great. This chicken bowl is

great. Why does it taste like a fucking Persian? You know what I mean? Why does it taste like a guy, a Persian, a male Persian clubgoer? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, come here, dog. Hey, don't touch my face. And so that's disrespectful. I don't, I don't, I have a thing about my face, dog. That's okay. And so, um, Oh, you should put that clip on there. You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah. And so, so they sit down and they start talking to each other. And the things that they're saying are, first of all, like, here's one of the things that one of them said. I had to stop talking to him because I I had to stop talking to him because I found out that he was using chat GPT to respond to my texts is what is what she said. And I've just, I've never really heard something like that

before in my life, you know, chat GPT is new. That was the first time I heard it. And here's how Miami works. I've never heard that before. okay I heard it again the next day not the same quote but that uh what do you call it topic of using chat gpt my buddy was like yeah dude my buddy used chat gbd with this girl and then now they're married i'm like you know what dude i get the fuck i'd be dead if i lived here i'd be dead in i'd be dead in two and a half years just from hearing things oh i heard that i heard too much

And so, so they're sitting next to us. And they start talking and they're, these women are one thing's for sure, dude. One thing's for sure. They got a lot of plastic surgery, but they're women, okay? One of them starts talking. And it's just a guy. It's, it's, it's a, it's a hot woman.

that a that a fucking lift driver would obliterate, right? His, he'd blow up his whole life for, okay? You have three kids at home, you know, in another country, making the American dollars to send back and just pray to the gods that he'd get to a woman like this one night. And she starts talking and she, I mean, and she's just Yeah, so. And you and

chicken. And I'm eating a chicken bowl, dude. So first of all, there have been three seasons since I've been eating. Okay. There's been, uh, storming, summer,

and then it was like windy. Dracore in my mouth. the Miami butts attached to legs and fat lips and then yeah so um oh I guess the voice is the last to go when you're transitioning because I mean why of course it takes a long time you know you can't just like you got I guess you don't know what you do you got to take pills or you got to keep kicking yourself in the fucking nuts or you got to

maybe you know what they should do that's a shortcut keep kicking yourself with the nuts get the voice high then get rid of the nuts um But yeah, man, I mean, just the work is getting amazing. Props to these docs. But here's the thing I don't understand is what does an what and I and I don't mean to be gross, but what does a when you remove a male part and it becomes the female part, how does that look? I want to know how that looks. You know, I guess I'll never know because I'm not going to look it up.

And I'm not going to find one. I guess I'll never know. But although, you know, maybe it just is too good now. I don't know. You know how like the government, you know, that you're like, well, I don't want them spying on us. We got to, and it's like, they're already,

there are cameras in the toilets, you know? Like, there's cameras everywhere. People are like, well, we don't want it to get to a point where we're there. The government just didn't tell us yet. Like, there's stuff, like, there's, there's, there's weapons that they have where it's just like, they can kill an entire,

country right now. And maybe that's how it is in the trans community. They get that, you know, bomb ass, it's up. And they just, I do it in radio edit so I don't get demonetized. But they get that bomb

ass, it's up. And they, and you don't, and we don't know. We just literally think we're all of 10 girls, right? They literally think we're having sex with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, with, But because the doctors are the reconstruction, they're just killing it out there.

And you just go, nah, it's a chick. But it's not. The voice is different. Or maybe this one who did it next to me, she wasn't, she didn't have the money or she didn't have in with the doctors or something. But maybe it's already, maybe it's already done so. You know what I mean? It's tough out there, dude.

I'm so happy that it's just, you know, every day that passes, I think, more and more of a simulation. nobody's white in Miami too like and I mean zero it no dude you go to and it's beautiful it's great I don't give a fuck it's cool but you just you're like where

you're like there's not really many white people here and then you walk by someone and you go oh this is a person white person and they go be a minneido and you're like oh okay well he tricked me I guess or maybe I'm just dumb I'm with my buddy Richie who I love I love this dude he moved to Miami And he was like, you know, hey, one day he's just like, oh, I live in, because I'm like, I'm coming to Nashville.

He lives in Nashville. And he's like, I live in Miami now. I'm like, what? How can people do that, you know? He's like, yeah, I got here. And then I just kind of was like, oh, this is cool. I'm going to stay here for a while. And my thing is, like, I know people that go somewhere and then just stay there.

And I'm like, where's your stuff? you bring if you go somewhere for a little bit you bring some stuff if you go live somewhere you bring all the stuff some people just go for a little bit and stay there and they don't get their stuff or they go keep going back little by little by little little by little as a Brazil a little by little so my jihisu practitioner used to always

little by little you just move and then little by little and then eventually bang you got that um pay attention little by little bang there you get there bang bang bang you get there little by little pay attention bang that was a whole conversation that you would have uh and you'd be like okay yeah no i think i get it um and uh yeah but it's just it's just an unbelievable. It's an unbelievable place, dude. It truly is. And I was just reminded this weekend about how unbelievable it was. And that's that, you know, my buddy, who's just, he's one of those guys that is so fun to be around. And then he also, though, will tell you a story in the middle of having a blast and just no matter what's happening at the table or how you're hanging out,

he just continues the story no matter what. And you're like, oh, fuck, he's still telling that story. I thought like everyone laughed about something else and then it derailed, but he's like, and that's why it's the, that's why it was the first Burger King. So that's where they first made it and you're like oh fuck i forgot he was talking about burger king it's unbelievable he started a burger king story he was like this burger king's supposed to be like i don't know it's supposed to be like legit that was the beginning of the thing and i go what the fuck even could that mean i'm intrigued like i have friends that are uh all sorts of friends i love people like this dude the most i mean this dude is

He's a one of a kind, my friend Richie. I haven't seen him in a year. I go downstairs. Oh, what's up, man? Hey, man. Oh, man. That Burger King, you know, that Burger King is a, there's like a legit Burger King. I'm like, oh, what the fuck could you mean?

And, and, and I, and I, and I'm, by the way, all for this conversation. I know somebody would be like, why you want to talk about booking? I want to hear it. He said, oh, yeah, what is it? He's like, I don't know. It's supposed to be great. I was like, what's it like the first one or something? He was like, no, it's, this was like the Bird King where I guess they come and they,

and I don't even really know what he said, dude. And I was listening. And then he was like, yeah, so that Bird King supposed to be like, the most. And that's kind of how it ended. And then our other friend came up. And I was like, oh, hey, what's up, man? And then, like, I'm like, okay, so I know, I guess I know nothing new. But, like, I wish for those things to happen to me.

Those are my friends, dude. Those are my fucking friends for real. I don't give a fuck about these, you know, people who are like six, first of all, he is successful, but, like, people who are like dope cars, money. no cool people i don't give a fuck about any of that dude honestly tell me nothing actively tell me nothing about a burger king i swear to god i swear to god you know um but anyway i i couldn't fucking believe it uh but yeah dude the shows were great it's so fun God, this is one guy.

I have a clip. I'll post it probably, but there was, or I will. But there was this dude. It was sitting in the front row. And he was so excited to see me, bro. When I got out on stage, I'd never seen something. He was like a fuck. It was like he was an eight-year-old that just met Snoopy.

And he was jumping up and down, dude, clapping so hard. And I asked him, he was 30, he's 35. and he was such a joy, bro, you know? His name was Oscar. He was this Mexican dude. And man, it just made my, it made my day. That show was so fun, dude. And he was there with this girl and she was 30-something too and they worked together and shit.

I guessed what he did for a living. It was unbelievable. but yeah I don't know man you know check out my Instagram I'll have it on there but uh I've been doing a lot of the kind of stuff lately and it's been a lot of fun and all that um I got home today and I flew in and I got my driver and I'm built I gotta admit something guys I play a game on my phone pack it up care we get pack it up I play a game on my phone here we go oh we got to get out of here dude hey plays a game on his phone And it's called Pocket City 2. Now, I don't know what Pocket City 1 is, but I play Pocket City 2. I bought it for $5, and I'm the motherfucking mayor. Okay?

It's like SimCity, but you get to go down into the community and walk around and go into buildings. All right? Now, SimCity may be on that shit now. I don't know. But Pocket City too, dude? Okay. So when you talk to me, if you know me, anybody out there that knows me or if you're a fan that comes up to me, understand that you're talking to the mayor of a town that has almost 10,000 people in it now.

And it's only been 580 days, but in two days for real, like for us, but in the town, it's been 580 days. Okay. So my town's worth $6 million. Okay. I'm working towards making it a metropolis. I finally can upgrade buildings to like skyscraper shit. And y'all are fucked. Y'all are fucked.

And I'll tell you what, too. That's what I'm mostly doing on my phone now. Now, did I do it all the way to Miami? Yes. Now, did I get a first class ticket so I could lay down and sleep? Yes. Did I sit down as soon as I got to LAX on the plane

and not move my seat at all because I was locked into Pocket City 2 and building my community? Yes. I didn't, we landed, I go, I'm still sitting up right? Five hours on playing fucking Pocket City 2. And that's how you get shit done as a mayor.

Okay? But now it's okay I realize you could play other people With other people build Yeah I was making fun of me dude In the green room they go oh you play in pocket city too I say yeah by the way you want in on this We can build the city together and everybody changed your tune

They go really? I go oh yeah okay So see you're just fucking You're just hating for no reason but you actually think it's interesting And you want to build the city with me Well you're not getting in on this city I'm already fucking flourishing We start our own city But anyway

So I mean I'm playing this game and I don't mean to like you know this is not an ad They should pay me but I go I'm playing pocket city two now I get back to L a X I land drivers there playing pocket city too you know and uh the driver's like I'll get your bag you know people fucking standing in the way of the goddamn carousel dude i hate that you hey i think fully when people are standing all the way up to the carousel and your bag is there and they're in the way i think i like being i love being polite i'm very polite i say oh thank you so much oh i appreciate you fans are coming to me i go i really appreciate your support thank you so much like i'm i love it start you know if i'm at fucking shit bucks oh oh

I appreciate that. Thank you. Thank you. Where's the excuse me, but do you have, that's me. When somebody is in the way of baggage claim and your bags there and they're just waiting for theirs like they want to fuck the carousel, it should be 100% acceptable and okay to say, move. Fucking, what are you doing? Move like that with your finger too. Move. What? You're so rude. No, my bag's there, and you're just hogging the space. Well, you're rude.

Well, oh, yeah? Well, I wouldn't talk to me that way because I'm the fucking mayor of a flourishing city with 9,000 people in it. I just installed a large movie theater, you stupid bitch. And I don't even want to talk about the sphinx I laid down. I did. I got a sphinx. Anyway, I get to the drive. I get to the drive.

I get the driver. was like okay got the thing i'm in pocket city we're crossing the crosswalk to get to his car and you following the driver he opens the door for me you know boozy shit whatever i'm sorry but like opens the door for me i get in the car and then i hear a guy or i guess it's hear a voice that say hey man you're in the wrong car and i don't even know what the fuck to do you know when when you get in a car car and you hear hey man you're in the wrong car and you've been following somebody to their car the whole time you just go all right uh i'm one down i am i am not understanding what's happening but your instinct is to get defensive and be like who do i got to tell fuck you to

i've been following this guy from the baggage came to this car he opened a door i got to in the fucking car. I did this a million times in my life. And some asshole, dumb, dumb, is just going to be like, hey, man, you're in the wrong car. And by the way, it's not the guy opened the door for me.

So I'm like, all right, who's getting it? I look out of the car, behind the car. There's just, you know what there is? A guy. Just a guy. This is how I describe this guy.

he's a guy you'd see there you go i mean he had a fucking he practically had a red shirt on he did he had a red shirt on like just like like like like fully red like just red nothing else on it like like like honestly like one of the residents in pocket city too like i i got he had fucking shorts on and and like an orangish beard just just guy right and i look back and i said what And he says, you're in the wrong car. And now I'm like, some guy is just going to tell me I'm in the wrong car. I look to the driver who's standing here with the door open and I say, what?

And he just doesn't say anything. And then he says, yeah, you're in the wrong car. So I look to the driver and I say, oh, well, then where's your car? And the driver says, this is my car. And I say, okay. So what are you talking about? and then behind that guy I see another guy

now two guys are trying to get in this car and I go well what the fuck am I doing here and he says I don't know I think that you I don't know why you're here but we this is our car and I look and I

look at the driver and I go is this the fucking who's this guy and then I realize I guess that I am following the wrong guy and just got in a car before the other people that were supposed to get in got in. I was walking with them too, I guess.

And I was like, oh, are you not my driver? He's like, no, I said, what do I just follow you here? And I said, yeah, I said, Jesus Christ, because I'm fucking planning the goddamn city. the whole way from the baggs i didn't even look up the last time this happened it was at magic mountain i was fucking nine years old at shonda rider's birthday party i looked up and i was with a completely different family i was lost thank god they found me again but man i would have a whole other life if they didn't right now i'd be somewhere else who knows who knows if i've been a comedian maybe i'd be a more successful comedian even maybe what if that's what the thing that made it to be like

where he never quite hit that fucking, you know, Matt Rife level. It's because of that one time a great adventure when he was nine. If he followed the wrong family. That was his sliding doors. And no, so I'm like, well, where the fuck is my, what do I do now? I see nobody. I don't see, I don't even, what did he look like? The other guy, my driver.

And what's happened in my seat? because I had it on fast forward a little bit while I was stressed. And I'm like, oh, God damn it. The population's dropping. So I realized my phone's ringing. I pick up and he's like, hey, where did you go? I'm like, oh, I fucking, I don't know, dude. Where are you?

He's like, I'm at the elevator. And I lost you. I'll be right there. I went back. And I was like, sorry, man. I don't know what happened. I was playing Pocket City, too. too and I got distracted.

I started walking behind another guy with a suit. That's why I said to the guys, I was like, ah, man, all you guys dressed is same. They had a suit with a tie on. He was like, the other guy dressed the same. I don't know. Fuck, man.

You're all dressed the same. It's fucking, my bad, I was laughing, you know, because it's a hundred percent only my fault. Which, you know, man, what the fuck would I have done?

If I was the guy that someone was getting my car, I'd be like, what the fuck is the guy trying to steal my ride? That's kind of a boss move if you think about it. It's my car now. Like it's the fucking worst version of, it's like Captain Phillips or whatever. I'm the passenger now. It's my car now. Take me to my family.

Yeah. But that shit was like, yeah. Yeah, only the time it happened was with Sean Ryder when I was fucking nine. a great great adventure. Miami women dating is a job. It is a job. I realized. I mean, there are not,

there are women there that are like respectable and also have great jobs and, you know, push culture forward or the hell you want to say. But women who are in Miami, a lot of them do fall into the category of my job is dating. and you either are a hooker or have a sugar daddy or marry for money. And now all of those things are basically the same.

Now, you could argue marrying for money is not as much, but it is, right, a little bit. It's more than not marrying for money. Okay. And that's fine. If you want to have a transactional marriage, that's totally okay. Right. But man, he's, I love the, I love the trajectory of that person, though. you know like from from from 19 or 18 to to to like 28 or 30 you're like I'm gonna fucking get

this money fuck I got bags I'm a hoe it up and yeah yeah basically you know what I mean just cocks all over inside me and outside me just around you know and I'm that I'm that I'm that I'm that, I'm, you know how a guy say, I'm that dude, but it's with a girl. I'm that, oh, I guess.

And they, you know, you know, people are like, oh, you shouldn't say, it's a ho. Like,

but a ho is a thing. It's somebody who donks for money. And by the way, I don't care if you do that, do that. You know, I'm not like being like, I don't think a ho is derogatory.

That's the whole thing. I mean, if a ho stopped being a hoe and became the mayor of a really bustling city and pocket city too. I'd fucking respect her, you know? But usually that, you know, the trajectory of that person is a, you're, you do that. You know, people care about body counts. I don't.

But, like, her body count is 150 to 200 or whatever the fuck, even if it's like, you know, I don't know what Ho territory is. What do you think of body count is? Howe territory? I would say it starts getting... It really depends on the mind of the person, honestly. I think. I truly think that.

Like, I think a hoe can be 65 bodies above. But I truly think somebody who's got the right mindset can have a body count of 110. and I would not classify them as a hoe. So I'm, and by the way, so I'm saying there's good hos and bad hos. Okay. I'm not saying being a ho is bad. I won't get that straight.

I'm not trying to degrade anybody, okay? Do your thing. But the trajectory of I'm going to suck and fuck all the way through my 20s and then find a guy who doesn't care about my body count. get married, have kids is like guys are just so

because here's the thing I would if I met a woman like that I would marry a woman like that because I don't care you know people grow up they change and you know whatever but

most guys I would say care about that and those guys are being played. You know what I'm saying? They're falling victim to the whole trajectory. And they don't even know it. Or they're tricking themselves

into being okay with it. When it's like, bro, stand up for yourself. That's why these do, dudes that are out there in Miami, just fucking 65 still single. That's that version. That is the yin to the yang. It's the yin to the ho yang.

That's what it is. I mean, basically, yin and yang is 69. That's where it comes from, Miami, from the Ho trajectory. And I don't even mean to be doing a TED talk. It just is what this sounds like. So, dude, if you're going to be, you know, wanting a family and a basic dude that cares about body counts, don't let the absence of hooness when it was there.

Fuck your life up. I'm a life coach. And I know motherfuckers are listening to this right now. And they're literally like, oh, yeah, webe mean. And they're still there. in it and they're oh yeah but you know that's fine too you know everyone does their thing everyone's got their shit you know everyone's got their shit but it is what it is um oh god i feel so much better than last week last week i just couldn't get it together on that podcast man and i appreciate you guys

i love that you guys listen no matter what i mean because that that last one was just a struggle to get through just i just was fucking depleted you know but the whole thing about this was it was fun I got to be with my buddies this weekend. It was work, but the shows were fantastic. I was with good people, and it was just, you know, it just made me feel good. It's crazy what moods will do, dude. It's just crazy.

And now, you know, even though I just flew back, I did a five-hour flight, I just feel recharged. Even, I'm going to pass out like a motherfucker tonight. But life is beautiful, you know. And last week it wasn't. So it's fine. And everything's just a fucking, If you're going through something like that where you know, where you're just like either,

either in a bad mood or like fully depressed, life is seasons, dude. Just it's going to be okay. Just like the winter ends, this will too. And then after that, it's friggin' spring. And after that, it's friggin summer. And that's awesome, unless you're in Miami. It's too hot. But yeah, dude.

I've been going over my parents a lot more lately I went, you know, they're just getting old and shit and I went to, it's absolutely crazy what happens to like, look,

everyone becomes more themselves. That was it for the episode part one, 519, for the Patreon members, this episode continues and becomes 520. So,

if you're a Patreon member, check it out. If you're not, sign up for Patreon. And, We'll see you there.