Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 52. Unabashedly, No

Episode Date: January 22, 2018

It's the 52nd episode! On today's show, Chris talks about Art Basel and bad art. Also discussed: Kanye and Chicago West, Marina Abramovic, horrendous celebrity names, TMFUIPOTW, and of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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The Cash App is the number one finance app in the App Store. And be a good person, download the Cash App, and they'll the App Store. And be a good person. Download the Cash App, and they'll send $5, and you're a good person. Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. What up? Shout out to Mr. Green, who made that beat. And he keeps it fresh with some new congratulations intro beats. Green Hip Hop on Twitter and Instagram, I think.

But the guy was out here last week visiting and hung out with him. The guy's a real underground hip-hop producer. He's done some mainstream stuff too, but the guy is one of my favorite hip-hop producers, man. He's so good. And he produced my favorite album ever with Cenk Smith. But yeah, Butters is breakdancing. You know when dogs itch their back, it looks like they're breakdancing.

Every time they do that, I think of this song by Joe Budden. That's like, Pump it up. Dude, that song, you know? How many times has he tried to say pump? that song, you know, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump it up. How many times has he tried to say pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump it up that well it up. So the last two or two, so that's 16 times trying to say pump, hit your button. You stuttering. Um, so yeah, it's's a episode i don't even know what fucking episode it

is episode 52 that's a whole year that's a whole year worth that's a whole year worth of shows baby um so it's amazing it's amazing and uh i thought i'd do three episodes or four episodes and then be done but we got a whole year and we're going strong and um i got some footage up on my app the crystalia app if you go and check it out on the in the store you can log you can get it and log in through your phone number or through facebook or through your email and you'll see some behind the scenes footage with one fire uh we try to keep them under wraps but oh my dog is dragging his fucking asshole across the carpet man dogs don't give a fuck huh they're naked all the time and shit how fucked up is that the dogs are naked all the time and they don't know and they and people come

over and they're just like well what's up and then they run to the person and they're't know, and people come over, and they're just like, well, what's up? And then they run to the person, and they're naked as shit. Animals and humans are different, huh, man? That's one reason. That's one way they're different. So let's see. Well, you know what happened actually a few weeks ago? Not a few weeks ago. What the fuck am I talking about

wait I just got a coffee and there was a guy playing a guitar outside on the thing there's like I would say like outside on the patio playing a guitar I would say like 5% of the time there's a guy playing a guitar outside on the patio of a coffee shop

at any given time that's so fucked up I know we've talked about guy playing a guitar outside on a patio of a coffee shop at any given time. That's so fucked up. I know we've talked about guys playing the guitar. I hate the guitar. I hate the way it sounds. That's annoying to me. I hate it.

I hate the rock version. I hate the acoustic version even more. But that's an instrument I don't like. I'm like a grandpa that was a grandpa in the 60s. I was just like, I don't like. I'm like a grandpa that was a grandpa in the 60s. I was just like, I don't like this shit. I watched this documentary called Blurred Lines. Now, is it stupid that

they called it Blurred Lines because of the viral video that came out, the music video that came out six years ago called Blurred Lines with Robin Thicke. Now, naturally, yes, that's very stupid. They called it Blurred Lines. It's about the art world, though. Now, naturally, is that very stupid? No, yes, it's naturally very stupid.

Now, I know some people will be like, well, you called your special man on fire. Now, naturally, that was 20 years ago the movie was, and it's also making fun of the movie. So naturally, shut the fuck up before you even start it. So naturally, just shut the fuck up before you even start it, okay? But I watched it, and it's about modern art. And it's about – and I watch it because I love knowing about art. Don't know much about it but I love like learning about what

artists are good and what artists are bad and what people think and shit like that. And Art Basel or whatever the fuck. You know? All the pretentious fucks that go to Art Basel with their fucking tinted sunglasses at night and silver hair. How artist is it to be fucking 50 and have tinted blue sunglasses?

It's artist. Anyway, they were talking about the difference between, the difference between artists that are recognized in history and then the flash in the pan kind of artists that are just like recognized during their generation, you know? Uh, and,

uh, there's this, there are these like, I mean, they were showing a lot, they showed a lot of art in this documentary. And I's this, there are these like, I mean, they were showing a lot, they showed a lot of art in this documentary. And I think it comes down to this, okay? Look, there are movies that are made, and this is art, and buildings that are created that if you make a building, you have skill, okay? If you create a building, you have skill.

If you create a building, you have skill. If you make a coherent film, you have skill. If you make a beautiful piece of art, you have skill. Now, that's why it's easy to tell if in the Renaissance, if the art was good or not. Because there was some sort of realism to it. Modern art took it all and people started smearing feces on walls and was like, this is art. Now, I think it comes down to you have to have some level of fucking skill, obviously.

It doesn't mean your art needs to be pretty at all. I mean, beauty is subjective, of course, but if there's some level of skill to it, then okay. If there's zero level of skill to it, take a train really far away, okay? This fucking thing right here, the rock on the car, there's a fucking Mercedes-Benz, someone dropped a rock, a huge boulder on a car and put two eyes on the rock. Now, is there a level of skill involved with that? Now, unabashedly, no.

You know why? Because you dropped a rock on a car. Now, you put eyes on it. Was the rock heavy to lift? Yes. Why? Because you dropped a rock on a car. Now, you put eyes on it. Was the rock heavy to lift? Yes. Did you get a crane to do it? Prop.

Does it? Does it? Does it? Does it? Is it hard to blow up a big oversized beach ball and put it in a room now unabashedly no okay do you have to have lots of breath yeah do we all have lots of breath do we all have lots of time to do that if we're going to get paid thousands of dollars for that beach ball? Now, unabashedly, yes. However, and how about one time, like, because here's the thing,

Picasso, that doesn't look real. It's not realism, but it takes some level of skill to do it. It looks interesting. Now, does it take, does it take, does it take level? Does it take? Does it take any sort of skill to put a bunch of action figures on a bust of Obama's head?

Now, unabashedly, no. Does it? Did they make the bust? If they made the bust, okay. That's hard to do. That takes a level of skill if they found the bust and put gi joes on it now unabashedly you fucking asshole and someone will pay that fucking thousands of dollars for this shit dude i saw on the art basil one well actually i don't know if it was art basil or not but they had i mean my dog's fucking fapping.

So I saw on Art Basel that they were selling these rocks that were about the size of somebody's chest on top of each other, and each rock was painted a different neon color, and there were four of them. Hey, you're gaming the system. Talk about gaming the system, bro. I don't think you'll find it. I don't know if it was Art Basel. But there it is.

Wait, no, that's not it. But that's what it looked like. That fucking one on the bottom right. Dude, talk about gaming the system. It wasn't that big. It was like a mini version of that. Talk about gaming the system, dude. Oh, man.

These guys are marketers. There are these guys that are like, this guy makes these fucking, what was the guy's name who was like this? He's like this older guy and he made that one, that balloon, that big balloon on the upper left. That's the guy. What's his name? Jeff Koons?

Yeah, that guy. There is skill to that. There is skill to what he's doing, but he sells that shit. There is skill to that. There is skill to what he's doing. But he sells that shit. He made a big blow up Popeye that looks like this glass fucking fire. He used firing glass to make it and created it. The guy who owned the wind casinos said he wanted to buy it for $28 million.

And when he heard that, he priced it at $60 million. Imagine buying a big Popeye for 60 million dollars imagine buying a big popeye for 60 million dollars and one of the reasons why he fucking made it 60 million dollars is because when he said uh popeye when he eats the spinach and becomes strong Popeye, is like how when the art world – something about how the art – he made a fucking some sort of analogy. When the art world – when there's money involved in the art world, then the art world becomes yada, yada. And everyone was like, oh, get your fucking white linen clothes and get the fuck out of here and take a train to Busan, man. Dude, you're a fucking idiot man not not jeff koons or dean koons i keep thinking of the fucking artist or the the the author that writes shit that's every thriller with one word in it shattered dean koons book named shattered jeff Koons fucking makes these glass sculptures.

And this guy is just murdering it, dude. He's worth $100 million. He's worth $100 million. At least that guy has some skill. But some people will put like a chair in a room and be like, that's eight grand. Hey, man, I got chairs in my room. You're gaming the system that's amazing dude these fucking idiot these new money motherfuckers come in because all what happened was people inherited money

and and that's how it was for a long time like you came from like a lineage of people with money and now you've got these people who can make money in like 10 years you got people who fucking have bitcoin rich shit and they're like they're walking in like oh this is beautiful and they'll buy the rocks on top of each other because definition of a cuda man if you buy rocks on top of each other for thousands of dollars, you're a fucking cuda. Plain and simple. You are literally going because other people are going. It's amazing, dude.

Herd mentality, babies. Get gunk. Literally, when people are looking at these fucking, what do you call it? Exhibits. I should come up behind them and fuck them in the ass. Oh, your nose is already faced the same way as mine. Oh, convenient. Slip. Whoopsie.

And then people go, ow. And then other people come up and start taking pictures. Oh, this exhibit is amazing. They think it's an exhibit because I'm fucking a guy in the ass. And I'm just like, it's like the art world. It's like the art world. And then I just go like this. Jeff Koons made this.

Hey, this costs 11 grand. You want us in your house for 11 grand in the foyer? Make the checkout to Chris D'Elia. Oh, man, this guy's looking at a fucking blown up Popeye. Let me enter him. Give me a thousand bucks thanks the art world doesn't keep up with the demand too that's the other thing so you've got these artists that are like oh shit if i don't put something out this year for art basil i'm going to be irrelevant quick paint four rocks put them on top of each other.

For real. And then these fucking idiot cooters will show up and be like, hmm. Have you ever, I guarantee the most a group of people touches their chin is at Art Basel, whenever that is. There's never been more people touching their chin just like, hmm, than in at Art Basel, whenever that is. There's never been more people touching their chin just like, hmm, than in when Art Basel's going on. Oh, I see what he did here. How annoying would it be to stand next to somebody looking at a piece of art?

Just like, oh, I see what he did here. How annoying would that be? Oh, how annoying is the art world? You know? Dude, look up some bad art. Look up bad art. Art Basel, bad art. Oh, my God.

There's a dollar sign that somebody made. There's a fucking look look look look at look at oh who's the girl that was in art that that makes the she just like hung up naked women like actual naked women see here's here's the thing she hung up actual naked women and she would they would be like standing on this wall with these like planks and they'd be naked and their tits would be out and shit it's disrespectful how i'm talking about it yeah they were naked but the tits were out and it was hot and uh yeah you like that one piece with the titties out i want to go to art basil and do that hey you see the exhibit with the girls with they were on the wall and their fucking tits were out? I like that one.

That's my favorite one. It's much better than the fucking blown up Popeye because I like to look at it because of the tits. Yeah, their titties are out. They're big and shit. You can't touch it, but you can look. So disrespectful to Art Basel. You can't touch it, but you could look. Disrespectful of Art Basel.

And then in the last exhibit, it was like her, and she was standing on the thing, and her titties were out. And that's ridiculous to me. But she's like revered. She's this woman. And she's revered. She's this artist, and she's revered. And she did this one exhibit. And every now and then, though, a person like that does something that really can kind of touch you and i guess art speaks to different people in different ways but here's the thing if you're a fucking idiot you

look into it you look into it you're an idiot if you look into it and i know that that's the smart thing to do a lot of people think like oh shit like uh you know but yeah let's see what the artist meant and the artist and this and that like nah it either speaks to you or it fucking doesn't because she did this exhibit where she sat in a room in a room for like days or like it was like a bunch of hours at least 24 hours or something i don't know it's a bunch of hours way too long to be sitting in a room and because she's famous everybody was around her videotaping her and like watching and like they had critics and like oh what's this new exhibit and shit? And she was just sitting there.

And her whole goal was to sit there. And then different people would sit across from her and could experience this. Okay? Now, sounds like a piece of shit. But what happened was a former lover of hers from years ago came and sat down. And she started fucking bawling. And he did too. And that was fucking crazy now call it art call

it not art whatever you want to fucking call it but what fucked me up was it was like that her old like basically love was the only thing that interrupted what what she was doing and that fucking is crazy she was crying and he was crying and to think of these people's history together and i thought about that since i saw it i mean i saw it on video but i thought about that That fucking is crazy. She was crying and he was crying. And to think of these people's history together. And I thought about that since I saw it. I mean, I saw it on video, but I thought about that since I seen it almost like every other day. And that fucked me up. That love was the thing that broke her from her exhibit.

That's it right there. What's her name? Now, of course, her name is something like Marina Abramovich. Abramovich. Now, of course, that's her name. And of course, she looks the way she does because that's what that woman would look like. And that's what her name would be. Her name would never be fucking Jan Smith, you know?

Marina Abramovich. Anyway. woman would look like and that's what her name would be her name would never be fucking jan smith you know marina abramovich anyway anyway she had her tits all out at the end of the fucking exhibit she had the fucking she was standing on a wall she had her tits out i really like that exhibit you know hey one we're walking into art basel one please for the fucking i want to how much is it to see the one with the tits i heard the woman where's the room with the girl with the tits in it i got singles i don't know but then you got people like what what's his name? Shia LaBeouf. Hey, is it Shia LaBeouf or Shia LaBeouf? And he did the thing where he was like, I'm not famous. And he did the same fucking thing.

You know? So it's like, is Shia LaBeouf a genius? An art genius? Oh, the artist is present is what the fucking Marina Abramovich thing was. Anyway. That art world is crazy. I've never been to Art Basel. But it's a wild thing. I just... These fucking guys, it's all, this is to me.

Oh, you know, it was, what else was funny was they were talking about how it's like, a lot of it is like thievery and, and like there should be regulated. Like there's no regulation on the art world. Like there's no, there's no union in place or fucking people saying people pay just way too much for art and shit like that. And there's no, what do you call it? There's no regulations on it. But they were saying the government doesn't give a fuck because it's like the top 1%. Like no poor people are involved.

So that's why they don't give a fuck. They're like, yeah, they have billions of dollars. Who gives a shit? Wow, they're trading each other's money, which is so true. These fucking assholes did it to themselves. But I like art though. I want pieces of art, man.

You know, I like art, but I mean, you buy, they were talking about one painting that was $3 million and they, 15 years ago, and now it's $60 million. Imagine if you fucking should have bought a place in Dumbo. Now it's 2 million. But the Jews bought it. Dumbo. Dude, I could never be an artist like that.

If I ever did something like the artist is present and I sat down, I would just be sitting there and then somebody would sit across from me and I'd be like this fucking guy, you know, look at this fucking piece of shit. And then I would start roasting them. Oh, come on dude or like they'd have like a handicapped guy come like just for the fuck of it because they're like oh let's see and I'd be like oh come on you fucking had to be all pc and shit or some baby that somebody would sit their baby on on the chair and it would start to fall and I'd go to save it and I'd be like you fucked up my exhibit you piece of shit or exhibit would sit down

and I'd be like oh this is crazy it's like the inception of exhibit this is my exhibit and exhibit is hey dog we thought we'd put an exhibit in your exhibit it's the hackiest thing to talk about as a comedian is the fucking pimp Your Ride.

You know? We put a fish tank in your fucking car. But he did it. How stupid was that show? Exhibit was... Did Exhibit just give up? Exhibit had like some bangers. And then was like, done.

Let's do Pimp My Ride, done. How much is Exhibit worth? Look up Exhibit had like some bangers and then was like, done. Let's do Pimp My Ride. Done. How much is Exhibit worth? Look up Exhibit's net worth. How much do you think Exhibit is like? And I know this shit is always wrong, but it's got to be, what, $8 million? What do you think? $3 million?

Yeah, that probably makes sense. Because he was on, but that show ran, but probably makes sense. Because he was on... But that show ran, but it was MTV. MTV pays you fucking $7 and airplane peanuts. MTV fucking gives you $40 when you're on a show. Xzibit, you know? X-Z-I-B-I-T. Xzibit was publicly mad about the meme that they made

about the fucking the pimp my ride shit you know yo dawg what is it yo dawg I hear you like dogs we put a dog on a dog dog yo dawg I heard you like I mean so many of them but why would he was publicly mad about that dude imagine being publicly mad about a meme bro you did basically that show was a meme

like how are you not he's just mad because now he's not recognized as a rapper or an actor and he's recognized as a meme oh yeah you made it worse dude how come people don't realize if you if you get bullied or quote-unquote it's not even bullied if you're getting made fun of the worst thing to do is get upset about it how do people not know that that are like 40 how do you not know that that just feeds the trolls? Being made fun of is fucking hilarious and it's fun. It's part of the fucking culture.

Exhibit hates exhibit meme. How about that for a fucking 2000s fucking, what do you call it? Headline. It's because of the coach. Exhibit hates the meme. Fuck that, man. You make a meme about, you get a meme, bro. You get a meme made about you.

You know how much fucking, you know how much fucking, you know how much fucking, you know how many times you get to do the horizontal mambo? You know there are girls out there that fuck dudes because of the guy on the meme. You know. Who's that guy that's this guy, dude? Who's that guy that's this guy on the meme? He was like the first meme. 10 guy.

Why is it called ten guy? Salads are like plant nachos. Grass is like the fur of the earth. Marilized Ligandwana. So dumb. That guy's face. You know that guy got laid because he's the meme guy.

Imagine being that guy. Look up ten's the meme guy imagine being that guy look up 10 guy guys look up 10 guy imagine being that guy you know what's weird is that guy's like 40 now you know ice just floats around in its own blood that's one of them imagine being that guy dude i mean who is that guy they need to make it and you know there's. Imagine being that guy, dude. I mean, who is that guy? They need to make a... And you know there's a documentary about that guy. That's on like fucking Amazon Prime. 10-guy documentary. You know that guy's got...

But that's the thing, man. You become a meme. That guy who blinks a lot, he's blinking this much when he's getting pussy now. He's like, oh my. That's how he busts a nut. Oh. Fuck that. this much when he's getting pussy now he's like oh my that's how he busts a nut oh fuck that that guy's famous dude like i can never make that face again and that shit was years ago right drew scanlon no no it was years ago that that video is from years ago i think maybe no i don't know anyway one fire is giving me all the incorrect information

uh yeah dude so crazy i got nominated for a fucking streamy was it called or no uh a shorty award yeah a shorty award so go vote on that best snapchatter oh shit guys i got nominated for a shorty award best snapchatter i'm up against chrissy teigen and i don't know someone else and some other people that i don't know and then also other people that are terrible. But show your boys some love. Who's hosting the Shorty Awards now? I don't know.

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Yeah. That's it. That's it that's it um I got Tampa coming up I'm gonna be in Tampa uh I got a few tickets left on the added show on the late Thursday show but the rest of it is sold out and

uh I'm working on announcing my next my next tour um I'm doing the artwork and getting it all set. And I am going to be hitting the country, man. And I'm excited about it. I was at the Pasadena Ice House this past weekend. Man, the Ice House is awesome. I did four shows there, and it was great uh you got to get

out to that club man that room is so cool holds about 200 people it's very intimate and um and uh it was great man i love i love doing stand-up man i love figuring out the whole new hour it's just so fun when i started doing stand-up um when i started doing stand-up i was like i was literally like a switch went off i was like dude this is what i this is oh okay it makes sense who i am now in the business and i think about that all the time uh the dude i the government shut down which is amazing because it's not blockbuster the government shut down which is amazing because it's not fucking where warehouse music remember that fucking place warehouse music with a bike compact this there um and uh trump was like in 2011 was like hey if the government shuts down it's the president's fault

and now the president his fault according to his own words um i saw a guy on my YouTube channel. That commented. I used to listen to Chris D'Elia. I used to listen to every episode. But now I don't. Because every episode he bashes Trump. Blocked him.

I got a trigger finger. Block finger. Baby I'll block. You understand? Dude am I a lineman? Am I a fucking lineman? Am I an off. off dude i've been losing sleep over this last maybe I'm a nose tackle dude I will block you

if I'm in a mood that's the best part you never know what fucking crystal he's gonna get hey man great job eye roll emoji trigger finger block finger am I

dude all of a sudden I became a nose tackle all of a sudden there's a cloth tucked into my waist hanging over my cock all of a sudden i got shoulder pads on because i'm about to block you and guess what the best part about getting blocked, you never get unblocked. And I mean this unless you get cancer and write me and say, I'm dying and I have cancer and you need to unblock me because it's my dying wish. Or you stay unblocked, fave. You know how many people write me oh my friend got blocked he doesn't know why oh really if he doesn't know why even more block fav you know why more block fav

because you just willy-nilly talk shit and don't remember dude you made your bed, lay in it. Your bed has a fucking nose tackle in it. You're blocked. Following me, anyone, is a privilege. It's not a right. It's a privilege. That's why it's a privilege if you're a part of my cult. privilege that's why it's a privilege if you're a part of my cult it's a privilege to know the address of the log cabin do you want to know where the trail is that leads there act accordingly do you want to sit indian style with me outside

in patchy grass wearing the same thing as me then don't talk shit and enough with the eye roll emojis I put this tweet that kind of got a lot of tweets retweets sounds so old guy I put this tweet that got of got a lot of tweets, retweets. Sounds so old guy. I put this tweet that got a lot of retweets

and it said this. It said this. Here we go. Here it is. Okay. I wrote, it really worries me how offended everyone is about everything nowadays everyone wants to be on the side

of whatever makes them look like a good person online there's nuance it's not black and white people can be right and wrong at the exact same time and then in a follow up tweet I wrote get off your keyboard and go start a fucking charity if you mean it if not then stop typing and go shopping

swimming, exercising whatever the fuck makes you stop whining like a child with no cookie start a fucking charity if you mean it if not then stop typing and go shopping swimming exercising whatever the fuck makes you stop whining like a child with no cookie i swear to god you're going to ruin comedy and then society and some idiot fucking chick wrote back to me oh, the guy who's, the guy who starred on Whitney is worried about ruining comedy. And I retweeted her, follow me on stage and we will see when comedy gets ruined. Now, after that,

she shut the fuck up. Because she knew what was best for her. Because she, the congratulations, baby. Dude, everyone wrote back after me. Slammed and like fucking, everyone's throwing gifs and shit. This girl got hit by a wave. This guy put a slam dunk thing.

She, like, people like, and then I looked at her shit. And it's terrible. She's one of those fucking terrible feminists that think that everything is wrong, what a guy does, which is hilarious. I feel like feminists are have equality, period. Doesn't matter if you're fucking black or white, Asian, woman, man, who gives a fuck? You should all have equality, you know? But, dude, I saw a fucking charity tennis match online, and it was a guy and a girl versus a guy and a girl.

And the guy and the girl were hitting the ball to each other and not hitting it to the women. And somebody was like, this is toxic masculinity. Hey, man. Dude, you're eating yourself. You're eating yourself. You're ruining it. You're ruining your movement. You're eating yourself.

You made people vote for Trump who hates women. you're ruining it. You're ruining your movement. You're eating yourself. You made people vote for Trump who hates women. You're the problem. You're the problem, man. You can't... It just goes back to the Art Basel thing. If you're looking for a meaning, you are a fucking cuda. It has to fucking jump out at you, man.

If you're looking for a fucking piece to fit inside another piece, you're missing the fucking point. It's like these people who look for a significant other. You're not supposed to do that. You're supposed to let it find you. Otherwise, it's not real love, dude. Men and women are different. That's okay. Men are stronger physically. That's it. Yeah, generally, you know, there's

definitely women out there that can lift more weights than me, but men are physically stronger than women. If you want to argue that, sayonara. You're a fucking idiot, period. sayonara. You're a fucking idiot. Period. Women are better at communication. If you disagree with that, well, I mean, there are men

that are out there that are fucking really great speakers and shit, but like women are better than listening and understanding because they give a shit about people more. I know that because i don't do that i'm a fucking dude that's like i get it i get it i'm an idiot yeah sure sure sure yeah i get it oh man i don't know i don't know i'm just talking out of my ass but my point is I get it. Oh, man.

I don't know. I don't know. I'm just talking out of my ass. But my point is, stop looking for the fucking pieces. Okay? Stop looking for the pieces if you're just somebody with a fucking keyboard. How about that? Look for the pieces if you got a fucking, if you're a doctor or if you went to school for 47 years.

But just because you hold the fucking sign and you got a short haircut doesn't mean you found all the fucking pieces, man. I don't know. Movements are great, you know, but I feel like they just eat themselves all the time. Like, uh... Like, the Women's March is fucking great. It's great.

They need to fucking be out there. We need to be out there and support that shit. I just feel like so many of them don't even know why they're there. And I guess it doesn't matter if the end result is they get what they want or they get what's absolutely needed. But it's just so funny man like like the me too shit so many people are calling out this girl whose name is quote unquote grace that uh called out aziz ansari and they're saying like hey you went on a bad date. So many people, feminists are saying, yo, you're fucking ruining the Me Too movement. Because this was a bad date and you consensually blew him.

And then could have left a bajillion times and didn't. And now you're like, he fucking assaulted me. you're like he fucking assaulted me uh i think basically if you have if you willingly blew someone and there wasn't a gun involved you know and nobody's blocking a door, get out. And feminists and women and men, it's just like, dude, come on. Help out a little bit. Look, if I keep going down the same alley and keep getting mugged, you know, yeah, people are like, oh, well, don't victim blame. But also, you avoid that alley. And, you know, it's, I'm not saying the mugger, what the mugger did is right.

But come on, you know, help out a little bit. I'm not saying what is, his behavior was fucking gentlemanly, but, uh, I don't know. Now she like fucking single-handedly ruined this fucking movement. I mean, no, I don't think she ruined the movement. I think the movement, cause that movement is important, man. We need these fucking, we need, I fucking, dude, I want to beat the shit out of guys like Harvey Weinstein. I hate that shit. I fucking hate it, dude.

There needs to be some sort of leveled playing field here when it comes to the workplace. But dude, you went out on a date with Aziz Ansari and he wanted some... It's the age old, he wanted some pussy and you didn't want to give it to him. Also, why'd you go out with him? Because he's a movie star? Because he's a TV star? He wasn't doing what you wanted? Dating you?

Treating you like a real person dude there's a door there's a door man walk through it i mean dude he's okay i'll stop let's sit on the couch and watch a movie nah see ya okay maybe now he'll want to date me oh shit he's touching my titties again i mean this is what everyone's fucking saying upset about and shit like that everyone i talk to fucking rolls their eyes at that story i mean i don't know i know i'm fucking around people that i'm around and not around super uh left people but uh yeah it's just uh that that article and also here's the other thing man if you're gonna call out a guy for that don't be anonymous you're trying to ruin this guy's fucking career. But like, hey, nobody knows who I am.

Nah, you need to be subjected to fucking what the fuck you subjected him to. I don't know. I'm sure people are hating what the fuck I'm saying, but. I'm not excusing his behavior. I don't know. I don't even really know. I don't know the guy that well. I don't know what the fuck how he saying but i'm not excusing his behavior i don't know i don't even really know i don't know the guy that well i don't know what the fuck how he treats women and shit i don't know i don't know i never know i'm always the last guy to find out about shit like that man when people talk people told me what fucking louis was doing i was like what

everyone was like oh you didn't know that i'm like no i had no fucking idea i never know that shit i don't know why i never know that shit people could be like did you know jerry seinfeld is a fucking killer and he's and he and he has heads in his freezer and i'd be like what and be like oh yeah there was an article about it in the 90s but they kind of covered it up then i asked everyone around oh yeah, he collects heads. He collects heads in freezers all around the country. He actually has a fucking bunch of places he keeps a bunch of he has storage units just full of heads.

I don't know. You know Kanye went to Art Basel. There's no way in hell Kanye didn't go to Art Basel. There's no way in hell. If I could bet all my money on one thing, it's that Kanye West went to Art Basel. Pictures. Art Basel, Kanye.

And obviously hit images. There he is. Kanye is at obviously hit images. There he is. Kanye is at Art Basel. There he is. Hey, what do you know? Hey, how about how he named his son or son? Is it a girl? Chicago.

I say, yeah. Chicago West dude everything that guy does is to get attention in the media it's just like it's just like unbelievable everything he does is to get attention good or bad look at these articles

on us go up scroll up chloe kardashian reveals how chicago west's nickname is pronounced i couldn't think of something that i don't care about less than that oh who gives a fuck how you pronounce kanye West's daughter's nickname. Dude, imagine caring about that and clicking on that. Imagine caring about that. Oh, dude, I got to know how because I'm going to be talking about it and I don't want to be embarrassed myself. Shy. Oh, it's shy.

How about how his daughters are named chicago and north what the fuck dude remember when gwyneth paltrow named her kid apple that kid's got to be fucking 35 now or some shit apple paltrow but it was with, it was probably Apple Martin, no? Because she, wasn't it with Chris Martin? Apple Martin. Let's see, how old is she now? 13, wow. Yeah.

13 years ago. How about when people are like, wow, they got old. It's like, yeah, time happens, motherfucker. Aw. Too bad her name's Apple, huh? It's fucking stupid. These are the names you pick. Casey,

Kent, Ralph, Jane, Robert, Chris, Matt, David, Dan, Rebecca, Lisa. You know what you don't name your kid? Fucking audio science. Well, who was that one? Shannon Sossaman's girl?

And boy, AudioScience, Pilot Inspector. Hey, that kid's, there's no way AudioScience and Pilot Inspector isn't going to go to Art Basel when they grow up. Dude, pilot inspector. Just the visual of what that is, is like, I imagine like somebody fucking like looking at a pilot, like lifting up their balls and like looking under their armpits and shit. Like, okay, he's good. Pilot inspector. Pilot inspector. How fucked up do you have to be to name your kid pilot inspector? And if you're, if you name your kid pilot inspector, you better wear a cape every fucking day.

Go for it. Go for it. Motherfucker. You can't be named. You can't be naming your kids shit like that. And, and not go full throttle and just like you can't be naming your kid pilot inspector and be like i gotta go to uh fucking uh um best buy today and see what because i gotta get a car a fucking a sim card let's look at these fucking names moon unit zappa

uh Look at these fucking names. Moon Unit Zappa. Ptolemy. What? These are the names. I don't even know how the. Poppy Honey Rosie. Daisy Boo. Petal Blossom.

These are all these fucking famous idiots. Fifi Trixie Bell, is that the name, Denim Cole, Bandit Lee, they're what, oh those are dogs, well then what the fuck does it matter,

here we go, come on, what was it, you're going too fast kid that's one nikoa wolf manakaupo namakeha momoa oh that's yeah but that's like some that's like their culture or some shit you know like they got like they he's so hawaiian dude have, you know? He's so Hawaiian. Dude, have you seen, even if he's not Hawaiian, he's fucking Hawaiian. Have you seen that video on Jason Momoa where he produced it and it's all about his life and shit?

And he's just throwing axes at fucking trees and shit and playing with his kids? And he was just talking. It's so pretentious. I like Jason Momoa. I'm not even talking shit, but that video is just like all slow motion and he's tickling his kids and he's got paint on his pants like a real guy. Kids are my life. I never knew what I had until I had kids. You know, that kind of a vibe. I'm all about work. I like to get my hands dirty. You know, that kind of a vibe. I'm all about work.

I like to get my hands dirty. It's like that kind of a thing. And you keep waiting for it to be like, oh, what's this a commercial for? And then it just ends and you're like, oh, he just made this motherfucker? And it went viral and housewives are just like, if I could only. If I could only. If I could only. Oh. Okay. if I could only okay alright

here we go this is the worst one I think maybe I mean I don't know if it's worse than fucking pilot inspector that may be the worst one ever but Jermaine Jackson has a lot of kids. Okay.

These are all of his names. Okay. Jeremy. Okay. Sure. Jeremy. There you go. Jordan.

Fine. But now we're getting a little iffy because it's spelled J-O-U-R-D-Y-N-N. Now, naturally, you should unabashedly spell it J-O-R-D-A-N. Otherwise, you complete piece of shit. But he did it. Now, granted, he did it because he was molested as a kid. That's the thing. If you get molested as a kid, you got a more chance of fucking definitely naming your kid some fucked up weird shit and spelling it in a weird way now granted lost subscribers by saying that but gotta keep it real for babies you gotta keep it real for

the babies if you get molested if you get molested you have a chance if you get molested you have a higher chance of naming your kid something weird like fucking moon unit or spelling jordan j-O-U-R-D-Y-N-N. Jafar Jackson, there's one. Now, are you in Aladdin? No. You cartoon? No. Name him Tom.

Mecca and Medina, all right. Mecca, no. Medina, maybe right. Mecca. No. Medina. Maybe. Here's the one, though, that makes me want to throw myself down a flight of stairs. Your Majesty. I mean, come on, dude. Your Majesty. Dude. I mean, come on, dude. Your majesty?

Dude? Imagine showing up at Applebee's and being like, yeah, four, please? Okay, what should I put it under? Your majesty. If I worked at Applebee's, here's what I would say. No, give me another name. I'll put it under Phil and you just respond to phil here's your fucking ticker when it

buzzes come over here phil your majesty dude names fuck names that are where you're like how do you spell it roger cool r-o-g-e-r no no it's spelled r-a-w-j-o-r no no you know what i'll spell it r-o-g-e-r because that's roger hello i am roger moon unit oh nick nolte's kid brawley king Unionit. Oh, Nick Nolte's kid? Brawley King? I don't even know.

These names are so fucked up. Wait, hold on. Stop it there. Across his three marriages, John Cougar Mellencamp has collected a wide array of kids with head-turning names. This is real? His kid's name is Hud? H-U-D? Teddy Joe?

Justice? But the one that takes the fucking bitch-ass cake, Speck Wild Horse? That's his kid's name spec wild horse wow if i ever meet john cougar mellicam i'm gonna literally be like yeah hey what's up i'm chris hey what what's the deal what were. Hey, what's the deal? What were you thinking, man? What were you thinking? And he knows deep down what I'm talking about.

That's how fucked up that name is. He would say, what do you mean? And I would say, you know what I mean, man. What's the deal with the whole thing, with why you did that? And he'd be like, finally, we would get to the point where he'd be like, you're talking about why I named my kids Beck Wild Horse? And I'd be like, of course. Why'd you do it? And then he would fucking put his head in his palms eventually

and probably start crying and be like, because I really needed them to go to Art Basel. And that's the only way I knew that they would go. I needed them to buy rocks on top of each other. I needed them to buy boulders on cars. I'm going to read some tweets. Here we go. You got some, OneFire?

He does. OneHire. OneHire, dude. one higher dude um yeah that's here's the thing go back to that one john at jma1 underscore thoughts on man caves. Now here's the deal. It's for sure. Cool. And fine to have a bunch of your stuff. If you're married. No,

you know what, dude, here's the deal. If your whole house is for the woman in the relationship, but you get one room to do what you want with, you're a fucking bitch. You're a bitch assass motherfucker, all right? It's okay to have a room that's a little more for the guy,

but the real thing I have a problem with is if you call it a man cave. It's a room with your stuff in it. That's that. If you say, this is a man cave. It's a room with your stuff in it. That's that. If you say this is my man cave, even as a joke, you can't be in my cult. I haven't heard this song. This guy's talking about Drake's new song, God's Love. I mean, it sure sounds like a Drake song.

More Life is Sakak, you know the name? What do you think of birthday cards with pop-outs and the ones that play music? John Lindros. John Lindros won. Yeah, no, I mean, I don't know. They're fine. I feel like sometimes you guys look into stuff Too much, that's not that big of a deal

I mean, cards are stupid Anyway, you gotta write in it and shit Just say happy birthday to somebody Wrapping gifts, just put it in a fucking bag How about that bitch ass way Of putting it in a bag and putting tissue over it Like you don't really give a fuck about somebody You know

You're like, ah, here you go Here's a bag with some tissue on it I don't really give a fuck about somebody you know you're like ah here you go here's a bag with some tissue on it i don't really give a fuck about you i just cut that i had a bit about that i cut it out of my last special i think i don't think it's in there where it's about people who don't wrap presents they just put it in a fucking bag with sparkles on it and put pink tissue paper over it, you fucking hate that person straight up. You deep down resent that person because you're like, oh, I didn't wrap it for you. At Crystalia, are you working any material from the podcast into your standup?

This is from William Rodriguez at WC Rodriguez 55 yeah I guess I am but that just so happens I'm not trying to do it when I do that it just ends up happening like I talk I think I touched on some Australia stuff in my podcast

and I talk about it and I'm on stage now just because I realized that i could turn it into a bit but that's how i get material is just from talking you know with friends and shit like that um anyway uh let me look and see if i had a most fucked up instagram post of the week you guys send me great shit from that i love it how i have it saved in my instagrams as uh-oh uh-oh uh-oh gunk uh now granted the internet isn't fixed now the internet isn't just pulling it up now what the deal is now here's the deal whom i'm mad i'm mad at one fire because it's his uh thing to make sure

my internet goes really fast here's a good one here's a good one. Here's a good one. Oh, I like this one. Okay, guys, you ready for the most... It's time for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. Gunk.

Hey, guys. I don't even know if I did this one, but I may have done this one, but I'm doing it again, dude. This is so fucked up. I don't think I did this one, but I may have done this one, but I'm doing it again, dude. This is so fucked up. I don't think I did this one. It's a guy, and he's a fitness guy, and he's standing outside somewhere with a shirt on and shorts on. He's buff. And, of course, he looks like Johnny from The Karate Kid.

This is what the caption is. Tell me the story, bro. Wait. All right. This is actually so good for most fucked up Instagram posts of the week, but it's also so good for most of fucked up most fucked up instagram post of the week but it's also so good for safarian instagram post of the week all right when guys look so american but then are foreign it's even funnier dude because it's like they're trying to hide it and it's not even their fault it's their. This guy looks like he's from Sweden and also could be just a surfer, dude.

Tell me the story, bro. The story. Dot, dot, dot. What story? Question mark. Dot, dot. Okay, okay, bro. Hashtag Asia.

What the fuck, man? I tell you something. Yesterday evening when I arrived in Zurich. First of all, Asia and Zurich? For one moment I asked myself, period, if I just awaked from a dream, period, was that real? I mean, dot, dot, the last weeks? Was that real? Question mark, question mark, question mark. Fwark.

I cannot believe what this trip showed me and bro fuck man it was no fucking dream all that really happened i cannot believe what i just did i never was in holidays or traveled anywhere and now i was flying across the fucking plane it's so fucking crazy to believe that an airplane takes me 1100 kilometers as far without stops and then you get off the plane walk period walk into another world period i'm from a small town man period well that's odd i wouldn't have guessed that i'm a real simple man all the crazy things that happened on that trip goddamn brah cannot tell you everything too freaky to you but i can tell you i'm like if you really want to know how it feels like you got to try it exclamation point so i tried everything that crossed my way no risk no fun huh shit happens

but funny shot as well bro ha ha ha okay okay should be it for today thanks to everyone who were involved smiley face uh chakra emoji chakra emoji yeah but this is not the end i got my fucking supplements and now my camera bro so i'm ready to go again. I'm coming for more. And then a bunch of hashtags. What? If this guy didn't kill himself after this. Now, Safaran,

life's unraveling, most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Dude, this is, life's unraveling. So most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Dude, this is his life's unraveling. It's unbelievable, dude. How'd you find it so quick? Oh, yeah, dude. I mean, it's so funny. And I wish you saw the post because he's got fucking he looks like johnny from the karate kid okay wow dude just wow i gotta go all right that was a great one i mean oh fuck when i

first saw that when i was how dude. Guys got so many followers. All right, I got to go. But you guys, thank you so much for listening. And here's the deal. Download my app. And also, check out my website. Square Cash. Check out my website for the dates coming up. I'm announcing the tour soon.

Square Cash. Have you switched yet? Download the free Square Cash app. Enter, check out my website for the dates coming up. I'm announcing the tour soon. SquareCash. Have you switched yet? Download the free SquareCash app. Enter rewards code congrats. Get $5. Give $5 to Time's Up. Get it for iOS or Android now.

New tour coming up. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Watch the videos from the podcast. Subscribe, rate, and review. Dude, and tell people about this podcast because I don't give a fuck if this isn't growing. I'll stop it, straight up. Not even threatening, just will. Tampa, Winnipeg, Calgary, Saskatchewan, Cleveland,

working on dates, coming up for Denver, Chicago, all the good ones, Seattle. Man on fire, incorrigible, watch white Male Black Comic on ComedyCentral.com. I'm on the show, the pilot of Alone Together. And I'm on one or two other episodes of that. But thanks for listening. You guys are the best.

And I have an announcement coming soon, too, for a project I'm working on. But you guys are great. Thanks, my babies and remember unabashedly keep listening fucking five years fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking

fucking fucking