Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 525. I'm In Your Head

Episode Date: August 27, 2026

This week Chris is in your head. Plus terrible freestyles, Costco samples, Owen Cook, and the treasure that is Steve Guttenberg. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Runk. It is episode. 2. This is the kind of episode it's going to be, man. It's episode 525 of congratulations. Otherwise known as not episode 2. Oh, yeah. So here we are. It is congratulations. And I am, it's Monday right now. I go to Portugal tomorrow. And that's when I'll be there for some kind of festival, comedy festival. I forget what it's called, Wharton Mock Festival or something. But it's for comedy. So let's get it. It's sold out. Thanks to the Portuguese people there.

I don't know if there's going to be a translator. If y'all are going to learn English or if you know English or what, but it's on and popping then. And it's, you know, I'm excited. I didn't know Portugal was its own country, really, but I don't know anything, you know. This is, you know, when you go, when you go, how many states are in America?

To me, I say 50. but then I think, well, but what is Puerto Rico technically? And is Hawaii's 50 or is it Alaska or what? You know, this kind of guy. The, yeah. So I flew home tomorrow from Tulsa. And now it was 105 degrees in Tulsa. And now that's too hot.

And I like the heat. It wasn't a big deal to me. You know, it was a little humid. Somebody said to me today, they're like, oh, it's probably really humid. And I go, you know, it actually wasn't. And I go, what am I doing? Why am I even saying that to that?

You just go, yeah, what am I doing? I did what I don't like what my wife does when we're in a conversation. Oh, no, I'm sorry. What my friend, oh, no, what Denny does. That's what he does. Gosh, when he used to open for me, Denny Love, and he would, wait, was it Denny? Somebody opened for me and they would just say a thing when somebody came up to me and it would prolong the conversation.

Who was it? Sam? Anyway, and I would be like, you're making it take longer. And I would do that as a joke. But, you know, it's all good. You know, it's like I'm not a cremogen. I don't want to be one. I'm fighting against that.

Everyone kind of becomes a little bit of a cramudging guy unless you're one of those annoying guys that just talks about how beautiful life is. But then you see a guy like Steve Gutenberg on Instagram and he's got it all figured out, man. This dude had the most banging Instagram post the other day. It's just him talking to the camera sometimes and he said, you know what?

I'm on my walk and I realized something. somebody asked me if I was going to this certain thing recently, and I realized I wasn't invited, and I said, I wasn't invited him, and we feel bad. And he said, and then I thought, well, do I really want to go? And the truth is, I don't want to. I really don't want to.

And I'm okay with not being invited. And he said, so just so you know, it's okay to not get invited to things, because most of the time, I feel like you probably don't want to go. and I'm just like three men and a baby. That's unreal. That is an unreal thing to say for like a 60-something year old.

And it's beautiful. And I am one of the biggest Steve Gutenberg fans now from social media. I mean, three men and a baby was great. He was awesome in a police academy, one, two, three, four, seven, eight, nine, ten. But this dude, I'm a fan of his own. Hey, you know Steve Gutenberg from him? from social media?

Yeah. Hey, you know Steve Guterberg from Instagram? Yeah. Yeah, the guy, yeah. The positive guy, yeah. I'm just,

uh, here's the post. Let me play it for you guys. It's just beautiful. It made me feel good. And it made me feel like, dude, that's what you have to fight towards.

Fight towards the niceness like that. The jolly, you know, towards jolly, uh, because, you know, it's tough,

you let, like, like, like, Life beat you down and here, look this. Look this. But he, he did it. Something going on and I wasn't invited.

And it really bothered me for a while. And then I thought, wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you really want to go to this thing? And I thought, I really don't want to go. I was glad I wasn't invited. But I got to tell you, I don't know if you have that feeling. But once in a while, you know, you hear something's going on and you're not part of it. Why wasn't I invited?

Because you don't want to go. Anyway, I thought it was kind of a funny thing. My ego. Gotta keep that in check. I'm glad I wasn't invited. Look at this, dude. Just a gorgeous dude. Just a gorgeous dude, gorgeous about life that absolutely right before this, like 10 minutes ago,

committed a double homicide. But this is the kind of thing. It's like, dude, this is, you know, you look at everything wrong in the world. And you go, man, like, you know, I asked my producer to come up, but, you know, you know, put stuff on the docket for today. And he's just like, eh, I try and everything is actually terrible in the world. So I didn't. And I go, fair enough?

Because it, it's, everything is really, it's sad. And you just got, that doesn't mean you need to be fuck this, fuck that, pick aside. Strive to be like this dude. I mean, how old is this guy? He's almost 70, right? He's got to be. Just he's been around for so long. but he's just such a great look at this dude and i and sometimes i comment on his thing i go

heck yeah or whatever and he'll go you know that's right chris or something i i'm just i'm a huge fan of steve guttenberg uh and his social media how old is he 68 bam nailed it uh she should work at a carnival oh cool there's a dog turd right there on the bottom of the thing great um oh great my foot's almost in a dog turd so that's cool um but uh yeah so the world's gone but you don't have to. And, boy, put that on a bumper sticker, huh? Huh? Yeah.

So, yeah. But, you know, it's tough. It's tough because, look, I'm, you know, ah, you know, does things get to you? Like, I'm, I got to, I got, but you see a post like that. It really puts things into perspective. I came back from Tulsa. It was too hot.

That shows were great at the Bricktown, comedy, uh, uh, stick town standup club or whatever I think it's called. Stamp comedy is great. It was fun. Great staff. A lot of Tulsa is a weird mix because it's like a lot of,

there's, there's good looking people there. Also, a lot of fats and that's fine. Uh, and then a lot of like in the downtown area, liberal city. Like it's like blue hair lesbian type beat thing. You go to this coffee shop. This coffee has great coffee,

Camara. And it's like, you go and you get the cold brew and you just go, oh, that's it. You go Antonio Banderas in the, looking to the laptop. Like that's how it tastes. Just so good.

And I've been drinking coffee so long. The same thing so long, coffee, cold brew. or ice Americano dry, that now I understand what kind of glasses it taste best in. That's crazy. And I hate that. I actually don't like that.

That I am that way. I don't care. But man, like when I go to my spots here where I live, I want it to go, but I won't get it to go because it comes in that plastic cup. And I want the shorter glass. Oh.

Co-brew is so much better in a shorter glass, you got no fucking idea. You got no idea. You got no fucking idea, dude. If you're drinking cold brew in a big cup, and let me tell you something with the same amount of ice that you put in a small cup, you got no idea. Dude.

All right, well, we don't need to talk about that, honestly. That's the most nothing thing ever, but it's just something I'm very passionate about. And you know what? I have been thinking about this. Maybe I am autistic or something like that, but I don't think so, dude. Wherever the line is, I'm right there.

Grinding to-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-ch, to-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-dd-d-d-d-d-d. Grind in on that, yeah, right on that autism line, dude. Just enough to where I think about coffee for like 25 minutes, but I'm not doing the stuff like, you know, staring at bird shit on a fucking pole for too long. Because I, and I only say that because I saw a kid do that once when I was growing up. And I didn't understand what was going on. But then I realized he was probably had autism.

I mean, back then we called it something else. You know what I mean? But anyway, you know, it is what it is. I'm getting too deep in a hole here. But if you have iced coffee, look, ice coffee, honestly for me, that's for the birds. You get iced espresso or you get or you get cold brew. Okay. If you do that, get in a short cut short cup.

Thank me later. Get in a short cup, three men and the baby. I'll tell you right now, it's gorgeous. Yeah. And I would like to hear on, I would like to hear to, from this moment on, invite Steve Gutenberg to any show he wants to. Free. I'll fly him out.

I don't care. I love him. So yeah. And then there's and then there's this guy. Oh wait. Actually, this was, I saw this in Portugal, sorry, in Tulsa.

This, oh, it's so different. I saw this in Tulsa. I saw this in Narnia. I mean Russia. I saw this in Tulsa. And dude, this is a clip. Actually, I saw it on the flight to Tulsa. I was giggling.

Giggling in the fucking chair, 30,000 feet up in the air. Oh, man, this dude Owen Cook. And I have, he's been around. I've seen him. He's like one of those guys that, what are the guys that, they say they're life coaches, but they're just guys that kind of stand in rooms and talk to like 18 people, right? Like, look, if you're Tony Robbins, okay, fine. You call yourself whatever you want, honestly.

I don't care. Car yourself a fucking Toblerone. You know, it doesn't matter. That you got enough people coming to see you. Congratulations, you're Mr. Toblerone. Okay? I don't care. You call yourself whatever.

It doesn't really make. You know, and life coach is one of those things where it's like, yeah, oh, yeah, you are. But then there's like, what's up with the internet? I guess it's maybe my algorithm. My algorithm is crazy. with the fucking guys standing in the business center of a Ramada Inn, right, with 14 people watching. And they are dressed all in everything.

Do you understand? They're not wearing, they're wearing things, all of them. They do not exist. They do not exist if they are not wearing a leather jacket, a scarf, a keychain wallet, and then some sort of bandana. Like, it's just, it's like they're, you know what it's like?

It's like they're a black guy from Atlanta, but they're mostly white. Black guys from Atlanta wear everything. They just will put it. Oh, that's something? Here, put it on my shoulders then. Oh, what's that? Oh, it's not for wearing?

Fuck that. I'll put it right here. Got that motherfucking thing on me. I'm going to wear that. Sir? Sir, this is Saracha? Yeah. Spray that shit all up on my chest.

it. Sir, it's Saracha. Nah, man. That shit is a chest design now, bitch. That shit, my shirt now, dog. Okay. Oh, he's in the car. It's a sara chaucer.

Oh, shit, listening to the little dirk. Okay, so who's a little dark? So I, uh, every time I don't know a song, it's a little dirk. Anyway, anytime I I don't know who his song is this little dirt. Okay. So.

Anytime I don't know who an actor is, is it from Riverdale. So. This is Owen Cook, dude. And this guy's clip is just... What I don't get is... So, I think... You know how jokes kind of...

Tongue and cheek stuff became actuality? like two chains was the first guy. Oh, there's a rapper called Two Chains. He raps like dumb. And I don't, and he, I'm not saying his music is bad. I am not saying that. He has bangers. But he wraps technically dumb.

I mean, that song, which I like a lot. I'm different. Yeah, I'm different. Yeah. I'm different. Yeah, I'm different. Pull up to the scene with my silen missing. Now, listen, I like it.

Dumb. Okay? And it's all good. But he is a, what a rapper, Two Chains was the first rapper to really, I mean, you can say it started with Sir Mixa Lot or whatever the hell, you know, but really Two Chains, Sir Mixa Lot was kind of, So Mixelot was still doing it funny for,

for the for the bit you know he was you know when he was doing his uh baby got back little in the middle but you got much back that's that he was doing it you saw him on the music video just with the fur on and that became it was it's like when you know what it's like when black metal started black metal started and it was these guys who were uh froth froth froth pro froth doing the froth-f music about Satan and how they worship Satan. They didn't really worship Satan. It was a whole gimmick. Then the younger generation goes like this.

Oh, yeah? No, we got to be like, we got to be like, take it and do it to the next level. And they, a lot of those guys are like, they're serious. So we got to worship Satan. And they end up burning down churches. This is what, this is what happened with hip hop. You know, yeah, okay, they were jeet up from the feet up early on, right? NWA is great.

And then the, you know, some of the people were, I guess, maybe some of the people were from the hood. and so that was the music that they created out of the poverty and the the hardships that they lived through. But then it got, you know, bus a move. Ow! Bus a move.

Or, you know, funky comadina. Dram dum dum, dumb, dumb, um, hot, ah, wow, wow, art, oh, wow. Wow, thing. You know what I'm saying? And then it got to, that was the funk, fun kind of hip-hop. nobody those guys weren't out here you know tone loke wasn't out here fucking saying he was killing

anybody but then it turned into yo i'm actually a real motherfucker and you know there were some real motherfuckers like uh you know uh tuppock and you know i know people think big he was but he i don't know if he rapped about what his life was like i think he just created these stories you know snoop dog was kind of a real motherfucker with the drive drive by you know he got I hit a 1 in 8,87, and then he made a movie, a music, music song, I made a song about that. And then, and then it turned into, oh, yeah, but you, if you rap and you don't, you're not into, into nefarious shit. You ain't shit, okay? And then it turned into, uh, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, least you cared.

that's how you were the realest shit. And two chains was really the first person to be like, yo, this is real shit. And you might think it's dumb, but it's actually not. And he's kind of right. Because it's a banger, but I'm different. Yeah, I'm different. Pull up to the same one my sillimissin.

Tactically, this guy, these guys who do a life coach, thing. It's like they're seeing the Tony Robbins of it all and the guys and the manosphere of it all. And then they become this. And they just are in a Ramada in business center with 12 to 15 men in it. And then this is a clip he posted by the way. When I'm speaking, my back is turned right now. I imagine I'm hitting all of you. I'm hitting you. I'm hitting you I'm hitting you so he's he's he's he's saying

I'm hitting you I'm hitting you I'm hitting you he's projecting but his back is turned to the people he's turning right I'm imagining I'm hitting you okay so

I'm hitting you all look now he's pointing turns around points behind him you know just guy

guy this is all one clip he's a dog. This is what a dog does when it parks. You guys catching this? Hey! Are you guys catching this?

I'm in your head. I'm in your head. Hey! I'm in your head. What am I doing? This is what, it's like having OCD, by the way. Somebody said, oh. My God, dude.

Somebody in the back, I didn't realize this now that I have the headphones. I said, it's loud. It's distracting. Oh, that is. Hey. A bird. I'm in your head. A bird.

Hey, hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. I'm in your head. I'm in your head. I'm in your head. It's your intonation.

And you goes, I'm in your head. Just cutting the fucking bitch off, dude. It's your intonation. Because honestly, that's what you'd be, if he was doing that, you'd be like, is he trying to get us to do or say something to make him stop? I don't understand. Or is he having a stroke? It's still going, by the way. I'm in your head.

Hey. I'm in your head. Okay, what's going on? Is there any break? Is there a brake pedal? There's no brake pedal. It's just... Nine guys are in there.

What is... What is this? Bam! Right, so it's going for what you want, not what you don't want. Ha! Hey! Is it? Hey!

When I'm speaking, I'm... Is it going for what you want, but not what you don't want? Because if you're going for what you want, you're not going for what you don't want. So it is a... bit redundant. And so is hey, 95 times. I don't understand this man and I want to and I, and I, and I'll say, I very much want to. So I want to and I very much want to. Um, what about though? Yeah, like, what is this guy's deal? Um, and then I, and then I, and then I wonder guys that,

Here's another one. Basically, when you're new, you're your 20s and 30s, you wind up putting in so many hours to overcompensate for lack of knowledge. You wind up putting in so many hours to overcompensate for, like, what a weird sentence. Okay, let's keep going, though. What happens is as you get older, you hit a higher level paradigm, and then things are not as hard anymore.

Okay, sure. That is a sentence that makes sense. Okay, it's like when I was younger learning social skills, and I'd remember every single line, and hours and hours of lines. When I'm older, I don't need to do that to do well socially. That's because it got easier. Here's the problem.

You're so addicted to things being hard that when the information for things to be easy get given to you, your brain... So, when the information for things get easy to get... ...won't accept the software. It is a slave mindset. You have the slave programming.

The rich get richer, the poor get poorer. It's expensive to be broke. You ever heard that expression? Ha! It's expensive to be poor. It's expensive to be broke. It's like that person who needs organic food to avoid a health crisis can't afford it. They wind up getting cancer.

They wind up getting heart disease. And then it costs them millions. It's expensive to be broke. You have to understand. Nobody forces on you. Whoa, dude. Are you listening to this? You chose to accept it.

Again, people complain. It's like, well, did you read the Alex Ramose book? No. Well, then why are you learning everything about the system top to bottom? Because we can make this whole next two days just to me explain to you how the system is fucking you. I can show you how to be out of this in five minutes and you wouldn't even have to work that hard. But you want, it's carmic. There was things that people would tell me.

They would tell me something that would make me an extra $30,000, $40,000 in, say, 10 or 15 minutes. And they could tell me that, like, 2002, I could hear that. I don't listen. 2005, I hear that. I don't listen. 20, I don't listen. Finally, after decades of hell, I'm like, maybe I should listen. Why was it that I couldn't receive that earlier in my cycle?

Because I hadn't been in enough pain. Did the, I, am I, am I simple? or is he like, I don't know any, I don't know what's happening at all. I don't know if he's smart or simple or if I'm smart or simple. But when I see something like that, first of all, if you're at that place and he's doing all that, you need a break as an audience member. And I will tell you this, I guarantee his shit is like, you know, six hour, it's a six hour thing, right?

Like, you know, and you pay however much you pay for. But, uh, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I think on social media, you could just say kind of everything and people will just fill in the blanks for you, you know, because that's wild. But, you know, you know, look, on the other hand, hey, hey, I'm in your head. Hey, I'm in your head. I'm in your head.

Bam! Hey! Um... Oh, wait. This was great. Did I see you this one already? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Greatest rapper of all time. They say the goat. They say the goat. Jay-Z. They say the goat. Nuttres B.G. They said the goat.

Nause. Okay. Well... Just showing you what it's really like. I observe and I look. I check. I double check. I do my own research.

I pull it right back. You be thinking you think you got this shit. It's like you back in the desert. Looking for all the Afghans with the whole turban's on. But it's all right. Remember that guy? But I'm from Brooklyn. It's all right.

Yeah, man, nobody's saying this. I know you're aiming because you're looking. This is, this is honestly. I know you're aiming because you're looking. You're looking in aiming strong. Looking at me, looking up and down. You see what more? Dude, when he said up and down, when he said up,

he looked down. And when he said down, he looked up. So that's just the icing on the fucking cake. Dude, cake, cake, cake, cake, cake. Not one rhyme. Rhyming. Rhyming. What more?

That's some dice that fell on the floor, my dad. Oh! Oh, no, dude. He goes, that's just some dice that fell on the four. And some, like, his girlfriend goes, in the in the cipher dude

this is dude this every time I met it I'm always out to spit it you can't put down a real motherfucker who is gift

but let me lay one down because a win or lose I win because after this I get to go to the powwow and chill with my village and friends that is

somebody commented that was the shittiest bars I've ever heard bars, dude. What is? Y'all think you can look. First of all, let's break down that first. He's already off the rails on the first sentence.

Y'all think he could look. What did he mean to say? Y'all think you could look. Everyone's looking at him. So he says, y'all think he could look. Okay. So what? We can't?

What's the follow-up? And then let's hear the follow-up. Hey, I'm just showing you what it's really like. Okay. Okay. Y'all think you could look. Hey, look. Y'all think you could look.

Hey, I'm just showing you what it's really like. Y'all think you could look. A, I'm just showing you what it's really like. Okay. That, it means something, but only because it's not done yet. That is not a complete thought yet. Okay, nothing has happened. There's like not enough nouns in there, okay?

Hold on. I observe and I look. Okay, so now he observes and he looks. So y'all think you could look. I'm just trying to show you how it really is. I observe and I look. Okay? I check.

I double check. I check. So this guy, so not, y'all think you could look? No, no, no, no. I'm going to show you how it's really like. I'm the one looking. And I look so hard that, that I'm

checking. First of all, I observe. And then I'm checking. And then I double check. So I'm doing so much looking that it's unbelievable. And it's hilarious that you thought you could look. So this guy is just basically having an OCD panic attack right now.

I do my own research. Okay. Okay. Fine. For what? You know what I'm saying? that's fine if I was there this is what I would be wrapping back with me talking like this okay

I pull it right back I pull it right back what put what right back I do my own research and then I pull it right back the research the observation the double checking or pull what back

okay look at thinking you think you got this shit you be thinking you think you got this shit so he either means you think that you think which is a which is a not that's that's a crazy thing to that's a crazy thing that's some shit oh and cookie would say hey hey you're thinking you think hey uh so he might have just messed up it meant to say you're thinking

it's like you're back in the desert looking for all the afghans with the whole turban's on Desert. But so he means desert, obviously, but he said dessert, but he bent the word like it was rhyming with something else, but it wasn't. And then he was saying desert as desert to connect it with some sort of entangra, double entendre with something, maybe he was talking about sweets or desserts, but he just doesn't, dude. This is honestly, like 2000. 2022 AI rap battling this is un

I know you're aiming because you're looking you're looking and aiming strong Oh but he already said you can't look But you're aiming strong Looking at me looking up and down Up and down but going opposite See what more do you want for me I just trying to give you

Watch this What more? That's some dice of thumb My bad But look The fucking God dude Why does it Why does it hurt in my chest, though? You know?

I can't. Like, it fucks me up, dude. I'm out with this. But I broke down his rap. I'll break down. I'm like rap genius. What's that thing? I'm rap genius with the...

I'm from Brooklyn, but it's all right. That guy was... Was that guy the best snipes? Or was this guy better? Let's look. Oh, really? They're quoting snipes in that one? I didn't know Snipes was big.

I thought it was just more of a thing here. Rap. That's great. I mean, that was so long ago we did that. And this has, I'm not even fine. I'm sorry, little kids, but I'm going to kill a clown today. So that says promise. This has promise right here.

Honestly, this line has more promise than the first guy's line. You think you could look, but, you know, whatever the fuck he said. I could say bullets are going to spray. I'm from Brooklyn. That's all right. Oh, dude. That's when you know this is going off the road. That's when you know this guy's bad.

The first guy you knew was bad immediately. But this gets, let's see. But let me just say, I like to get close and personal with a race. I love, too, in the middle of like second 10, you go, oh, wait, he's British. He wasn't British. I'm sorry little kids, but I'm going to kill a clown today. Not only is he not British, he's from Long Island. Wait, he's from Brooklyn.

And that's all right. You don't have to, I'm from Brooklyn. That's all right. Anyway, how's it coming, mate? This is like what's bullock shit, mate? If it's all right, you're from Brooklyn, don't start acting like you from Manchester. I'm sorry, little kid. Wait, I'm sorry, dude.

This one's better because the fucking, this is just a great clip. In the beginning, the guy goes, get it. Let's get it. And then he is so, God, I know we've already broke this down, but my God, for the newer listeners. I'm sorry, little kids, but I'm a killer clown today. I could say bullets are going to spray. I'm from Brooklyn. That's all right.

But let me just say, I like to get close and personal. Why is he British all of a sudden? Well, let me just say, I like to 18 strump pants. With a razor sharp object. But let me just say this. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but let me just say this is actually something that even if you're just having a conversation with somebody and you say, you lost. Even if you're just like talking to customer service or, but let me just say this. Once you're talking to customers, but let me just say this, you go, oh, I'm not going to get, I'm not going to get.

They're not going to give me the refund. I fucked up. And this guy's in a cipher. He is rap battling. And he just says, but let me just say this. He lost. He was doing badly. That was when he lost.

Okay. I'm not going to stab you in the heart. Why? Is he British? Also, the fact that he's just telling him how he's not going to do things to him is amazing. What I'm going to do is grab a pen, stab you in the neck, punch your lungs, then slam a blunt object into him. your stomach.

Fuck. He doesn't really know anatomy that well, right? I'll put a pen in your neck and puncture your lungs. It's not where the lungs are. One object into your stomach

and cause internal bleeding. A doctor. We're going to have to get you on a we're going to have to get a CAT scan. We're going to order an MRI. You're going to have to sit in it for 15 minutes. A nurse.

Dude. this really this this this doesn't have that many views it should have oh wait hold on yes it does it has a bunch of different it has 1.3 and on this one it has 438000 but it should have more than that it should truly have way more than that now before you die let me just say this is it like is that the reason i call myself snipes is because i take my time to rhyme i'm not complicated where is this guy now Is the other guy looking? But I'm like a sniper. I aim straight for the heart or the head.

I'm straight and direct. I might hide 2Ks that way. You'll know when I hit you as soon as you hit the ground. The dog, dude. The dog's had enough. This is, I've already done this. So I don't want to do it again, but I want to do it again. You know what I mean?

But. But. This guy said some shit. Facebook. Oh, dude. We go, joke of the dark night shit. So don't let me go all James Holmes on you, Dark Night Shooter. Is that a little bit too soon? And let me just say this as well.

Oh, dude, I'm the former customer. Some of this might be recorded for further to make sure that we know what. You see the guy that could let his gun go off? Yeah, yeah. This was just, this was just, dude, having a gun in your pocket is got to be the most idiotic fucking thing. Put it in a holster. You're a cowboy. That's it. You can't put a fucking Glock in your stupid purple jeans, you know? You're the purple, the brand purple, not actual purple. In your stupid Godspeed jeans, you can't put your fucking Glock in your stupid fucking

hell star jeans. I like these brands. I'm not talking shit. I'm just saying you're stupid if you do it. bro don't dig in your pocket when you shot who who's your who somebody got shot I hope you're all good this is just like we've already passed this point but this is just the part where because this is during a podcast it's just like too many people have a podcast if you can accidentally shoot yourself during a podcast hang it up are you the guest or the host either way look at the they're looking for the bullet oh I don't want to know. Oh, that's Jay Phillips.

He's hilarious. That is just... I'm from Brooklyn, but it's all right. Shout out to Super 73, dude. They gave... Michael, the owner over there, sent me a bike, and it is awesome, dude. It is so cool. Go to Super 73.

They got the best electric bikes. They're just so cool, man. Ugh. You live in a neighborhood? Forget it. If you live in a neighborhood, a nice one, get it. Where people aren't, you know, you still lock it up. But where people aren't going to rob you, get it.

Are you in Orange County? Get one, dude. I'll be in Springfield, Missouri. Coming up here, Phoenix, Tempe, Afrieta, Georgia, Buffalo, Birmingham, Alabama, Buffalo, New York, Paris. And I got my European tour. I guess I'm excited for that. Storzel, Oslo, never done that.

Berlin, Germany. Um, Oslo, where was I in Oslo before? I don't know. Brussels. I don't even know where that is. Gothenburg. Copenhagen, Manchester, London. Oh, but I'm from Brooklyn, but it's all right.

Manchester. London. There's where I'm going to be. Oh, Vienna, Hamburg. Oh, I'm not done. Hamburg, dude. And then a bunch of American dates. I just put up some.

Yeah, dude, I got a red shirt and red pants. And it was a set. And I got them from Dick's sporting goods. And I brought them home and put them on. And they didn't really match. So they were a little off. So that's kind of where I am right now. And that's okay.

But like, I would anyway. And then I went to go work out in it. And I had, and it was leg day. and my weight belt that I put on for squats is red. So I had red shoes, red, God, what a dork. And one of the trainers came into me and she said, Have you ever seen the movie Attack of the Killer Tomatoes? And I go, oh, the old movie?

She's like, yeah. And I was like, no. I was like, she said, yeah, it's great. I said, oh, yeah, they should remake that movie. And then she said, yeah, but that's what you look like. I was like, oh, fuck, this was a roast. I didn't know this was going to be a roast. this is the biggest dick i've ever i don't i don't mean actually dick but um this guy i can't believe

this clip um uh this there's two people in the backyard and i guess they're friends i don't know but they're playing the catch and one guy's pitching and one guy's catching and the ball the guy doesn't catch the pitch and it went and it kind of like nicks off his glove and then kind of nicks off his face so he's like hurt it doesn't look like it's

crazy serious but it sucks it certainly is you don't want you're done playing after that I think right so and this is what happens whoops I don't have the sound on great love that love that dude love when I do it without the sound Okay, here we go.

Turning the sound on. Here we go. Pitch. Hit his head. Dude, that guy says, I said catch it. First of all, why are you saying catch it before your pitch? Okay. And also, that was one and a half seconds after your friend got fucking rocked in the face

by a 60-mile-an-hour baseball? Could you imagine throwing a baseball at somebody? whether they're prepared or not. And this guy was prepared. And it slips, hits somebody's face. The first thing you do would be, oh, my God. Oh, shit. Are you okay?

I don't even understand how he must have the quickest emotional turn. Because he, you know, there's got to be, oh, I, oh, fuck. Oh, oh, shit. There's got to be, oh, shit in there first. I'm sorry. I don't care who you are. There's got to be, oh, shit. because this wasn't planned.

This guy wasn't like, I'm going to secretly hit his face because he was throwing to him as a catcher. The catcher was ready. It was the catcher that fucked up. You don't run to the guy and go, oh, fuck, are you all right? But immediately you turn to it.

Not my fault. I said catch it. I said catch it. You didn't. So that's on you. Also, well, right here. The guy is now on,

he was already. on his knees kind of, but now he's on his knees and he is falling to the ground because it hurt out of, you know, out of pain. It says you okay? Falls down. Now the guy's falling down. It was a perfectly straight fastball. Right to you.

And not, by the way, not walking over to him. Still where he was when he pitched the ball. Now he's walking over. I see that. Siddick! It just hit off my glove. I see that. By the way, if my,

somebody acts like that and the ball hit my face, and that's what they said, I don't talk to them anymore. I don't say, hit my glove. I don't talk to them from then on. Again, with the I said, catch it. Like it's not a fucking skill that you can mess up.

Oh, that is the pinnacle of dickness. You done? After five seconds, five seconds ago, he got hit in a face with a baseball from the guy who says it, y'all done? You done? And then just really twist the knife. Couldn't have thrown a better fucking strike. The guy, imagine being, well, you know he's single. I mean, imagine being in a relationship with that guy, a woman, just, you know.

Oh. How many times do you? say to, well, that's how? I mean, no, the more I think about it, there's no way. But his family's disowned him. Why is this guy over, honestly? The guy shouldn't, how, he must be a new friend. That's the, this stinks of, yeah, I'll come over. Where, where's your address? That, that's what was said, because they don't know each other that well. And then he goes, and then he goes, I don't think I, the guy, the other guy, the guy who was catching goes back to his wife, and he's like, I don't think I'm going to hang out with that guy anymore. And she says, why?

this is fucking weird. I don't know. He's kind of made me feel uncomfortable. She's like, why is there, why do you have a black eye? And I don't know, this guy told me to catch something and I didn't, but he did say catch it. It's perfect. Oh, again he said it's perfect. Let's count.

Okay. Hit two, three, not even, no, not even two seconds. Because I started with one, not zero. So not even two seconds. I said catch it is unb- I, man.

And also, who posted this? Oh, current vibes. Okay, so it's not the actual thing there. I just, people are crazy. And this is the kind of thing where it's like, look, this is so tame on social media now. If this was 2013, this guy would be famous. He'd be on Ellen.

So what happened? You hit your head in a fan fucking thing? Yeah. And you said, catch it? Yeah. Oh, he's a piece of shit. Oh, yeah. No, no, no.

job for that guy, you know. And now it's just like our president would do that. That's how our president would react. Literally the guy who rules the world. So it's all good. Um, oh man. The, uh, the guy, this guy is, I don't, it's like, this is one of those guys where it's like, right here that I'm about to talk about. It's like, wow, he figured it out, but also at what cost. Okay? Check this out. Well, it turns out a man has been eating nothing but food samples for eight months, and we now go live to speak with him. The reason I've been eating nothing but Costco samples is because I wanted to save money on groceries.

So, you know, sometimes I'll splurge and I'll get the hot dogs. So first of all, how much is he eating? Because he can't be eating that much. He must have been heavier because this is, he's not, at least it doesn't look like it. I'm not saying he's pudgy, but I mean, he doesn't, he's not. thought he was going to be like emaciated. I know Costco's big and you can go to different Costco's and get kind of samples, but aren't you still hungry and sometimes just splurges and get the hot sogs?

Okay. But mainly I just wanted more money to gamble with. All right. The matter of factness of this is unbelievable because that's a real addiction. So if I don't need to buy groceries, then I can gamble all of my grocery money. Next, I think I might just stop renting my place and living in my car. I mean, it works, but isn't that crazy? You're doing something that's making your life worse and way less comfortable.

For what? This guy just keeps losing. You're not winning, obviously, right? Wow, that is wild. Thank Christ, I don't have that. That's the one addiction that I just do not have. I've never drank alcohol or done drugs. if I did 100% dead.

Okay. Sex was another story for me. You know, and now I have working out and other things that I'm addicted to, like thinking about coffee or something, you know. And that is fine. But this gambling, oh my God. Like, to be real, this is the worst, I would say, well, God, imagine being married to someone addicted to gambling.

That's got to be. a fucking wake-up call. Because if you're married to a drug user, at least you know, you know what I'm saying? You don't know that you're married to someone who gambles all the time until one day you don't have the money for anything. Oh my God. And you think you have this great life, but they foreclose your house.

It's like the guy in the Sopranos, the dude who played the T-1000 or whatever. But not in that. He played that in Terminator, but he was in Sopranos. He was the gambler. Man, that is just, oof. This is a wild thing. Where's the deservants? There we go.

No. No that, yeah, here we go. There we go. Deservant scale. How to defend yourself against aggressive crabs and lobsters. So hold on. vinegar over your hands or over your arms on any kind of component of your skin. Because of the smell and the vapor of the vinegar that it gives off, it is actually a deterrent to the crabs and they won't.

But watch. If you pull... Come on, dude. That is... If you pour vinegar... Hold on. This is hilarious, but I'm looking at the cut. vapor or the vinegar that it gives off, it is actually a deterrent to the crabs and they won't.

But watch. Yeah. Well, okay, they did cut it, but my God, that's hilarious. Wow. That is the 10. That's a 10. There's nothing more 10 than that. I mean, the guy thinks it's his job.

He's a professional. He's so confident on tape. He did it. It happened. The thing that he didn't want to happen, that was trying to prove doesn't happen, happened. And then it got uploaded to the internet. I mean, that's a 10. That's it.

Now we can see it when it was to start dancing. So in order to get confidence, the judges let his mom speak to him. Switch. How he's dancing? I think that conversation helped him, guys. That's a, okay, so the guy doesn't dance. That's a hell of a thing to start four seconds after you start dancing. Intestants, he's too nervous to start dancing.

So in order to get confidence, did his hair get in a way? The judges let his mom speak to him. Bitch. The judges let his mom. The conversation helped him, guys. You could tell the way he steps up that he's not going to make the jump off. I think that conversation. Kind of like a little bit, a little bit buckles.

Yeah, hands down. And that's a nine or a ten. Two good ones in a row. Oh, my gosh, dude. Okay, this one now. Oh, refusing assistance from a guide. That's fantastic, dude. Okay, wait, let's see how it goes.

Oh, the guy thinks he's the shit. Oh. Wow, the guy's just taking a bath immediately. Let me tell you something. I wasn't sure if it was going to be good or great because you had to wait to see the guy. But I was like, I wonder if he, like, how he does it when we make it good or great.

He made it and it's great because he goes like this. And that is just, it wasn't like, let's see if I can do this. Here we go. That would have made it a nine. This is a 10. The wave away is just incredible. Oh, dude. And falls right after the wave, by the way.

And just staying in the rapids and just in place. And while it's just, just zooming over. Amazing. All right. I'll be in Springfield. I'll be in Phoenix. I'll be in Alfa Red. I'll be in Birmingham, Atlanta. Go get tickets at chrysalita.com. Thank you very much. I'll see you there.