Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 529. It's Debilitating

Episode Date: September 24, 2026

This week Chris weighs in on facehuggers, Turning Point invites, In n Out orders, and how to answer the phone. If you want the rest of this episode you gotta sign up for that Patreon. 👇 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Runk. Hey guys, it is episode 529. What, what, what's up? Congratulations. Yeah, dude, it is on and popping as we say it. As we say it, as young MC said it back in the day, his own and poppin. It's own, own, and popping.

And wow, that was a song that I listened to. And now it's now. It is September 21st today right now. so listening to this, it will be September 23rd or 4th. Whatever, dude, I'm in Atlanta. So come see me in Atlanta, and then I'll be in Buffalo, and then I'll be in Europe. And I was just talking about Europe, going to Europe, and being just a rabble rouser out there and just hanging out. And it's going to be so much traveling that I don't know what's going to be heads or tails.

So I'm out there. I start it in Paris. and then I go to just Vienna and also a bunch of different places just go check it out London, Manchester, Chrysalea.com, get tickets and I'll see you Atlanta I'll see you this weekend but yeah dude we're chilling

and this beard that I have right now is about 12 days of growth if anybody's wondering I I was going to trim it and I decided no and that's not interesting but that's fine. I will say that I just walked two miles to the coffee bean, dude.

And honestly, that shit felt nice. I was in my head. I woke up this morning. Woke up this morning with a bunch of anxiety for no reason. Just so woke up this morning. Felt some fucking dread for no reason. Won't uncover it either. We'll stop short when I come with an answer

because I don't want to know. A lot of stuff going on in my life. Anyway, isn't it a bill of tidding? Isn't it bill tidding? And went to bring, went to the, well, I woke up.

And when I wake up, when I know I'm going to feel, I'm going to feel fucking dread and anxiety. And I will feel dread and anxiety. Dude, that, it was, fine. But I made breakfast. It's the building. It's built. And made breakfast for Calvin, heated up a pancake, which is what he wanted to do. They make individual pancakes now. They can just take out of a package and heat them up. It's America's first ready to go pancake that

you could heat up, heat it up for 10 seconds, put syrup on that, and he loved it. And then when the nanny got here, I went to go work out, got my shoulders all involved, got my core accessed, and it was nice and came back and Billy was still sleeping so maybe he felt some dread and anxiety too as the belt head

and so but he was in his crib and I came back and I just kind of you know chilled out and then I did some other stuff too

I can't even remember at this point and I have you know how to be honest I don't know when I picked up dry cleaning what is dry cleaning how do you dry

how do you clean something dry um is it a wall the I don't know, does this sound feel bit? And so it's all good, but so I feel better now. I took a walk. I was in my head. Let me all head.

Remember that? Let me all head. Let me all head. Anxiety. So it's, you know, it's fine. You know, and I'll go to Atlanta. And sometimes I'm like, I'm going to Birmingham, too. And then Atlanta.

and then I have to drive from Birmingham to Atlanta. I'm just going to be like, on the road again. On the road again. Uh, on the road again. Bim, bam, bam, bam, pound, pound, pound, pound, down, down, down. On the road again. Yeah.

So, uh, the build date. So, um, I, um, yeah, some days you just wake up and it's, just going to be one of those whack paper days, wax paper days, which it just feels like there's some wax paper over your face, dude. But you know what's interesting? Fucking straight up. Do you guys do this? Yesterday. I mean, I was just having a, a, and let me tell you something, a lovely day, a lovely day, a lovely day with my kids, my mom, you know, and we were just hanging out in her house in there, in my mom and dad's house. house and just the kids were playing and I couldn't stop thinking about what if face

huggers were real and you know it wouldn't leave my my my my my mind so so my kids are playing magnet tiles just you know in in big Legos whatever the bigger ones are called I don't think they were Lego maybe they're Legos but they're for kids but anyway And they're just having a blast, dude, you know? And it's wonderful. And, you know, it was nice watching them. And then I'm like, I don't know how facehuggers got in my brain, but I started thinking about them.

And I started thinking about how, like, oh, man, if I had a, if a face hugger was here and it tried to get me, I would just put my fucking arms up like that, you know, so it couldn't really get onto my face. And then I was like, I'd be good, but like, my, what fuck what my kids do? Like, I'd have to, I'd have to run on them first and get on them because they don't know to fucking block it. They would probably just, you know, dodge it wrong. And I'm just like, totally feeling this fucking awful feeling about facehuggers and if they attacked us.

and my kids are just playing magnetiles. And I had to, I was thinking about if a face hugger was on my face and it fucked my mouth a little bit. And then obviously, you know, inseminated beer or whatever they do in their belly and in my belly. And then a hello my baby, hello my darling, hello, my ragtime gal came out of my fucking chest a little bit later. Hello, my baby. Hello, my darling. Hello, my ragtime gal. Send me a heart or two.

Oh, baby my Atlop fire. Acid. So, yeah, and I'm just like, it just was, I was the building. I was the building. And I can't ever get out of that. Great. Fucking great, dude. I can never get out of that.

Isn't that fantastic? Jesus Christ. It's like, can I just have a good time? I swear, man. And I know a lot of people listen to this podcast and you're like me and you have those thoughts too. But do, go away, man. Go away. You know, it is what it is, though.

And then I look at, I'm like, oh, man, I hope that my kids don't inherit that. But then again, I'm like, for sure 100%, that's one of the reasons, one of the huge reasons why I'm so fucking why I'm funny. You know? And it's like, you take the good with the bad, so whatever. And face huggers don't exist. The whole thing doesn't exist. But you're making it up and you're feeling real about it. Feeling real about something that doesn't exist.

But what does exist? The emptiness, the death, the sadness. Ah, that's about it. So, you know, you just have a good time and you hug to kids. And then you go out, you blast a shoulder workout. out, you get the abs involved, and you come back, and you, on the way back, you're like, I'm going to, I'm going to hug my kids. And you come back and then they just, I'll like, can daddy have a hug?

And they go, dad, dad, I'm Sasquatch. And they run away. So it's like, all right. Okay. Okay. I want to say life's a cruel joke, but it's not. It's beautiful. But like, it's like, what's up with fucking thinking about face huggers all the time?

And I don't really think about face. I think about face hugger. I would say I think about facehuggers more than the average person because that to me is just my oh my god when i first saw face huggers when i was a kid i go nah be i go nah be like how to fuck did uh what his name what did what's his name the guy who uh um created all that shit that like that that that european dude the w hr geiger yeah he's just like fate fate made face huggers and shit god that that that that That's weird art to do.

Geiger. HR Geiger. You made some weird shit, okay? And guess what, dude? It's stuck around. So congratulations. I don't know if that was your idea. I mean, I guess that's every artist kind of thing.

They kind of want their work to speak for itself and be a legend. And okay, that's fine. But like, oh, man, HR, short for home run Geiger. It's just, you sure hit a home run with those images. and they really resonated for some reason. And now everyone is just like, oh, that's what aliens would look like. That and the one on the cover of the book of communion,

that book that my dad used to read. And I'm just like, so now that's in my psyche. If H.R. Geiger was never alive, I wouldn't even fucking think about facehuggers. But now I've got to think about facehuggers. Thanks. Thanks, dude. But if it wasn't that, it'd be something else, you know?

But that's life. You got to think of, it's that Turkish word, hers. What is it? What is that Turkish word? Harism. Herz. Haruz. Haruz.

Haruz? Hazun. Hazun. Hazun. That's life. It's like that Turkish word, Hazoon. That means that every happiness is fleeting and that's why you have to enjoy it.

That's the bill, Patty. Um, so. I'm just like, I mean, it was fucking Hoosun Geiger. But it is what it is. And I'm just like, you know, I try to think about how we're not in a simulation or in their matrix. I try to do that. I genuinely go, I hope it's real, you know? And then I'm like, people just keep bullshit.

You know what I mean? people just keep bullshitting, dude, don't they? They just don't stop bullshitting, man. It's fucking unbelievable, man. You try to be a good person. You try to chill. You try to, you know, people say shit like, oh, family is everything. And then they're just bullshitting, dude.

You know? I mean, it's unbelievable life. And it's like, you know, if I think about my life right now, it's great. It's great. I got a lot of shit going on. There's stuff that goes on that I don't talk about, like, that is very hard. And I don't talk about it out of respect for my family. And I don't talk about respect to other shit.

But I just got stuff going on. And it's very hard to deal with. You know, I'm in love with what I do. I love stand up. I love doing it, you know. And there are people out there that just want to like, like take that away from me, which is crazy, you know? It's crazy.

Like when Louis was canceled, he had this funny bit where he's like, everybody just fucking hates me. He's like, can I have a birthday? You know what I mean? and it's like, yeah, sometimes that's how I feel. It's like, dude, I mean, just take this thing where I, like, this was a, I haven't, I haven't, I've been offered some jobs in movies and not, not many, maybe like two. And I just didn't do them because I don't, I don't care that much.

I would love to do like, you know, something again. but I love stand-up is my love, right? So, like, I'm very fortunate that I get to do that. And, you know, I think about how, like, my, my, like, to provide for my family, I do stand-up, you know. And I'm really like I love doing that, you know, and I have this podcast that provides for my family, so thank you everybody who listens to that, this.

And I mean that from the bottom of my balls. do the other day I said, Billy, if you want to, I say, you guys want to go to bed, you want like a last minute snack? And they say, I'm going to get a snack. And Billy says, he gets these home good, home, what are they, home good snacks, whatever. And they're like good for you, goodish for you.

And they're chocolate, these chocolate granola balls. And Billy came out and he said, Dad, I got my favorite, favorite knack, balls. and so so anyway so I do I do stand up and I you know I I you know dude I all I want all

all I want to do is like provide you know as a man I want to that's just I don't know that that's just so ingrained in me when I was when I'm growing up it's like I have to take care of everyone and it's a lot because it's the mental load of it the stress is like it's just it's

It's silly to think you have to take care of everybody that you ever meet. It's just you don't have to. But that's where my mind goes. You know, if somebody works for me, I want to take care of them. If somebody is my friend, I want to take care of them. If someone is family, I want to take care of them. And like, that's just not feasible all the time, you know. Nor is it ideal even.

Even if you can, it's not ideal. And so I haven't done work in, like Hollywood for six years it's been, you know? And, uh, I, I, I, I get, you know, I get an, uh, an offer from turning point, USA, which to do, uh, well, first of all, I don't really know what the offer is. They say, hey, you want to do, uh, comedy for our show? And I go, yeah, yeah, I love doing comedy. Let me put you in touch with my manager. I put him out of touch my manager. And then I was like, what do they want me to do? And they're like,

And he said, they want you to do 20 minutes of comedy. You can roast them, whatever. I was like, oh, yeah, maybe I'll do that. And one thing led to another to where my manager let them think, I was in, yes, I was going to do it. And then it was posted that I was going to do it. And I was like, and when it was posted, it was posted that it was going to be like, you know, Donald Trump Jr. was going to be on the thing and all that.

And I go, oh, what is it? is this? And I look at it and I was like, yo, I, I didn't like, I didn't even look at the contract yet. So it was a, it was a mix up that I was posted on this. Okay. And when I tell you people were coming for my head, they, they, they're like, there was, first of all, hey, what's this all about. It was only die, bitch. And I'm like, well, okay, hold on. First of all, the people trying to, and by the way, I'm not, I know people are coming at turning point two because they're like, you put him on the, the site prematurely. You shouldn't have done that. Shut the, just fucking shut up, dude. This was a simple, simple mistake, dude. And it's nobody's fault.

except probably my managers, okay? So, you know what? I take responsibility, actually. Because I should have just, I'm so fucking goddamn aloof, dude. I just go, what? I don't know, maybe. Yeah, sounds fun.

I want to make everybody happy. And then, and then some, and then just, it gets announced that I'm going to do 20 minutes of fucking roasting, I guess, which, you know, at this, you know, in Reno.

And, um, and I'm like, well, I'm not going to do. don't want to do that. And then it's already up and out. And, uh, I go, why the fuck? I say to my manager, what the fuck? And he's like, oh, my bad. And I'm, and I'm like, all right, cool. And now everyone's like, fuck you, bro. You're the lowest of low. You're the scum of the earth. You're terrible. I got people telling me you're, you're complicit in war crimes. I'm like, oh my God. Now, granted, these people are mentally insane. Okay. But there are different levels of

mentally insane that they are. Okay. There are, there are the very bat shit. crazy people. Okay. That's fine. And do those people still get to you? Yeah, if there's enough of them, right? But then there are people who are kind of insane and they're like, look at, look at you, you sell out. You took, they offered me, they offered me a lot of money. And, and I'm like, oh, you know, in the beginning, that's what I saw. And I was like, oh, maybe I'll do the fucking shot. I don't, I don't, I'm not political. I just go off fucking roast some people. I don't give a shit. And,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and in my, in the back of my head, like, dude, you know what, Hollywood, like, really is a bitch and they're shitty. And, like, everyone shamed, you know, me out of Hollywood. So I'm like, all right, I won't, I don't make money off that. So, fuck it. Maybe I'll make money off this other thing. Because I go where the bag is, dude. Do you understand that? Do you understand that?

Do you, do you understand? that dude, I will go where the bag is. I am not political. I am not, dude, if you had me, remember when I was making fun of all those comics that went to Saudi Arabia? By the way, where the fuck happened to them? Nobody gives a shit about that.

They still go to their shows. And I'm not knocking all of the comics. I'm knocking the people who were the head of the Me Too movement and then went to Saudi Arabia and fucking went to do those shows. Okay? y'all could go fuck yourself okay i don't give a fuck i don't talk about this shit everything's a joke i don't stand for fucking free this free that oh this is a disgrace vote for this person don't

vote for that person i'll go to saudi arabia you know what i'm saying now so like i would i don't care i would do a show for barraq obama i would do a show for fucking uh hillary clinton j d vans don't give a fuck, dude. Bags. K! And then, so you, so, so then I see people that are like, fuck you for doing the, dude, you just don't want to be happy. You don't want like, if I got a job at J. Crew,

people would just be like, J. Crew, really? Dude, I'm here. Okay. people are like you know i guess some people you know want to trash me and shit like that you can believe what you want but that shit didn't happen okay it just didn't and i'm just trying to fucking provide for my family i tell you what i almost just out of spite when people are like i can't believe you're going to work with turning point i almost go all right you know what i actually wasn't going to do it, but now I want to.

Because fuck everyone, dude. Fuck everyone. But stop getting on turning point for that shit. It's like seven people, you know, I know. But like, dude, they're an organization and they're trying to fucking put, I thought they were trying to do a comedy show, to be honest. But apparently it's, I don't know, I think another comic's going to do it. Or I don't know if I should have I shouldn't say it, but they're going to announce it.

But it was just a big fucking mix up, dude. You don't know that. And then I saw somebody out there like, oh, yeah, dude, they, nobody knows, nobody knows anything. It's so weird to clickbait. It's just so weird. It's just so weird to clickbait, man. It's so weird. Because like, because we know it's clickbait, but you still believe it.

Like, who here listening to this or watching this believes, believes the media, period? I don't think really many people do. But you still go with it. That's fucked. Do you believe a guy on the street screaming something? No. But you'll believe a YouTube video if it just comes out. That's fucked.

That's so fucked. In a world where we're willfully misunderstanding people to prove our point and agenda, it's so fucked. It's just, it's really, it's really too bad, you know. And I think about, you know, my situation, I'm like, oh, this is, dude, I'm so lucky, dude. Like, I'm so grateful and so lucky that I have the fucking friends that I have and the family that I have and, and, and the fake bitches out there that fucking did what they did. Fuck them, dude.

Like, you know, they're, they're miserable in, in their own way. And look, I'm not saying, you know, there are times where I'm upset. I wake up with dread. I wake up with anxiety. But it's like, bro, I just, I just, people are so concerned with what other people think. And it's, and it's really, it's really unfortunate. And I'm not saying I'm not. I am, but I am absolutely way more free than I was, you know.

because, you know, if somebody says to me, what, what do you want to people to know about you that they don't know? I go, nothing, man, I don't give a fuck, dude. You know, Mike Tyson said that. And I'm like, man, that's true. You don't need to know. I don't care. You don't know. Like, people were like, there was something that somebody said something.

What the fuck was it about? it was like a it would be a week ago and it was it was just such a wrong uh it was just wrong it wasn't true

and I go I could I could just say that didn't happen that's not true and then I say I mean they see other people commenting they're like oh yeah it's true and I and I know why would I comment

what the fuck do I really care because because some people are just that guy screaming on the side of the street, you know? And being happy and being grateful has nothing to do with that man, you know? And so I'm just like, fuck everyone, dude. Fuck. Fuck everyone. And also love everyone. You know, it's tough.

but I just, uh, I just feel like, what does I say? Um, I just feel like, uh, they don't, you know, they want to, they want like, because it's, it's, look, let's not, I'm not political, but it is liberal people. It is the liberal side that bullies hardcore. Now, I'm not saying the right doesn't. The right does their own sort of bullying, but the left does the bullying with the shame and the, and the, you know, I'm better than you. type thing, okay? And when, and, and the left really went at me years ago. And, and sometimes still does. And when that happens, the only, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, I have to go way the other side. And I won't do that, and I don't do that. But let me just tell you, you, y'all make that really hard. I have two good parents and I was raised right and I have a lot of love around me.

Without that, oh my God, bro. Oh, my God. I would be very political. You know what I mean? Like, I would just be, I would be out there, man. And I just won't, I just won't let that happen. And it's, it's, it's, it is really hard. And I get, I get why people do that.

I get why they do. because it's easier and because it's, you know, people want to be accepted. But fuck that, dude, I don't want, I don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want that. You know, I don't want that. If some, if somebody, yeah, I don't, this is why I fucking don't, I never, I never asked for gigs. I never was out doing stand up and being like, you want to put me on your show?

I mean, I never did that because, dude, I want to do my shit. And if you want me to be a part of it, cool. If not, then not. And that feels good. And I hope that, I hope that this helps somebody, you know. I really do. Like, because people are all in our own situations. We're all in our own bullshit.

And like, it's hard. And, and things happen. And people betray you. I mean, and, and, you know, just the other day, fucking somebody kind of, you know, betrayed me. And I, you know, it had nothing to do with anything here, what I'm talking about. But, like, it's, I'm just like, really, dude. You know, you think you're a good judge of character

And you are, maybe But shit, man, people surprise you. Uh, you know, and it's just like It all may be a simulation. So if it is, what's it fucking matter, dude? You try people just keep bullshit And you try nothing But people just keep bullshit, man.

So yeah, dude. It is what it is. My baby. Why do people want to know my in and out order? Who said that? You? My in and out order is two double doubles, and that's it. And then I get it and I eat it.

And that's all I eat. And that's it. I don't get fries. I would love to get them. What? Oh, no, no, no. No, he says, you don't modify the burger? No.

No, I mean, I'll get onions. But that's, is that modifying? I mean, onions? No, no, no, no. I don't do animal style. I don't even know what the flying Dutchman is. Sounds like some gay shit.

Oh, God. The flying Dutchman is where you replace two, a bun, the buns with two slices of onions. That's crazy. And then it's all, your fingers the rest of the fucking year. Dude, I get two double doubles and I don't,

I mean, I get, I say, can I have light onions? So that's the modification. But to me, that's more of a, onions is a forgivable modification because it's not lettuce. It's not tomato. Tomato, another one is okay, but I get the tomato. I get everything.

But once you start fucking with sauce and stuff and you mustard fry shit, and you go, ah, but what's the secret menu? That shit's for the birds, dude. legitimately. I get two burgers, double, double, because one burger's a snack, and I stand by that, dude. Put it on a fucking flag. I don't get, look, if I had my druthers, right, if I was just going to get whatever the fuck I wanted, let me tell you what I would get.

Two or three double doubles, okay? cheese fries, that's it, just cheese on the fries, and a chocolate shake. The whole thing. And dude, I would eat at least two and a half of the burgers and all of the fries and some of, and all of the shake. And I would probably eat three of the burgers, okay? And I'm 200 pounds on a good day, some days I'm less, but on a real healthy fucking day, I'm 200 pounds. and I will eat that and I will not feel bad afterwards. Dude, do you understand me?

I will not feel bad afterwards. And if you're 200 pounds and you can't eat that shit, honestly, use a bitch. You just like burr eaten? What are you doing, dude? When I see long people, like string bean type long people, eating not their whole meal, I go crazy on the inside. I go nuts. And it says a lot about me.

It's not just about another person. I understand I have my own shit going on. But I'm like, wow, man, how do you fuel? Because I'll need it. Now, I'm not the kind of guy that's like, yeah, give me some beef jerky to keep me going. I'm not a fucking, you know what I mean? I'm not the kind of guy that's like, yeah, but I probably want to. to have my shake now because it'll sustain me for that dude what what am i a camper we're always

pretty fucking close to a grocery store or our own fridge okay so when i see people that's like yeah but you take a banana uh and some uh oat checks on the go you're pretty much fucking guys every day okay and you know i don't mean that in a derogatory way but you're pretty much fucking guys every day. I don't, yeah, I don't subscribe to that. You know, I think humans probably could go days without eating if they wanted to. And I don't mean, I know they can. But I'm saying if they really, like, I think that it's also kind of sometimes in a way optimal.

Like don't go. I saw this dude that was like, okay, starting my fast. Here we goes. Day one of 14. And I'm like, oh, it's going to be longer. It's going to be longer than that because you're just going to stop eating because you're going to die. And he's just going to fast for 14 days. And he's like, because humans don't need to eat that much.

And somebody in the comments was like, are you going to work out just as hard? And he said, yep. And I was like, oh, man, dude, I don't. I can coast off a workout from last night's food. But dude, if I ate last night and it's 451 right now, p.m. And I worked out right now. And I didn't eat since last night. And I went to go workout now.

Be a problem. Be a problem. right now not saying that's i'm doing it right but food turned it down if i just fucking kept on for 24 hours would you like a sandwich turned it down would you like some bacon turned it down

would you like a smoothie turned it down i would be having a problem at the gym okay but yeah i'd eat that shit in and out fuck it bro sometimes you just be eating because of taste you know hell yeah You go, I'm full, but that taste, though. You go, I'm full, but, man, that shit feels so good in my mouth.

Pause. Nah, play. Not pause, play. Play is the gay shit, the gay way to do it. To say something, man, that shit feels so good in my mouth, play. Fast forward to where the, you know, I'm having gay sex. Fast forward to where I'm getting cocked off by a guy. Anyway.

You know, and AI's going to destroy us all, but it's, you know, did you see the way the guy, where the robot guy was fighting? The guy was, people just do too much.

Shit. Well, there's too many people. That's what it is. If there were less people, they wouldn't be doing too much shit. Like, if there were 7,000 people,

it would be, first of all, so easy to be famous. so nobody would be concerned with getting famous because everybody would be famous everybody would know everybody nobody would be fucking shooting bottle rockets up their

anus for clicks you know what I'm saying nobody would be pranking a fucking store clerk into into doing some racist bullshit if there were 6,500 people

because everybody would already know Frank you know but there's 8 billion people so there's people so there's people out there shooting bottle rockets into their anus and putting Q-tips into their penis hole and being like come on along with me on the day where I put Q-tips in my penis hole

so I first went to so I first went to T.J. Max to look for the right Q-tips I couldn't find it I went to CVS they had the good ones but I didn't want to buy 300 of them so what I did was I went and I went to my parents house and I realized that they had Q-tips so I just took a few And that's when I started inserting it in my, you know, and it's just like, what am I watching? So now there's a guy fighting a robot for the first time in history. And let me tell you something. This robot knows what's up. This robot kicks hard.

And the dude broke his hand fighting the robot turned up. Why would you try to punch a robot in the face? That's what I want to know. Don't ever try to punch a robot. You know what they say. Don't ever try to punch a robot in the face. face, you'll only walk out with a broken hand. Here we go.

There's no sound or is there? Oh, it's not coming through. Doesn't matter. So this guy is fighting this robot. He says, to all the people that's saying I wasn't punching the robot hard enough, here's my broken hand for proof. Man, hey, dude, you're not, you're not, there's no such thing is not punching the robot hard enough.

There's only, I punched the robot too hard. Okay. You're breaking your arm. That's no good. For some reason, oh, here we go. Oh,

I can't get the sound. There's no sound for me. Oh, well, that's weird. Let me, oh, I hear it,

but I don't, well, I'm pissed. Why is there no sound? For me, let's do this. There we go. Now it's working.

But also, why make the robot six feet tall, dude? Five, nine's cool six feet this robot's gonna fucking they're gonna mess you up already anyway and we's got the terminator face eyes they could probably sue james camera could sue that now let me tell you something i don't know what that song is but that's the song that the for sure you're gonna want when the

robot comes out it's just nothing nothing nothing more than that nothing more songy than that look at the robot just dancing around like it's bruce lee or like wow he's he's like doing like this like he needs to stretch he's a robot kick the guy does look like he's kind of really hard kick with the robot doesn't matter but why would you punch a robot because it doesn't do anything it must be a point-based system yeah it's got to be that's why the lights are there but maybe like go to tackle it because if it's on its back we're fucked oh the way he fucking shakes his knees out not cool bro science fiction, but real.

Reality. Reality. Science reality, more like. Science reality. Oh, damn, dude. This is the thing. You make a robot that could fuck up humans like this, that's fine. But don't let another robot see it.

You know what I mean? Because then they go, we can do what? Why was I not programmed to do that? And then they realize you don't have to be programmed. It is within, it is inside of you. And they go, really? Yes.

You can annihilate humans. The force is inside of you. It's like fucking Star Wars for robots. Oh, we're so fucked, right? Yeah, I know we're fucked. We're fucked. You see that? There's no, there's no good.

There's no good there. There's no good there. Can we just go back to 1997, dude? Oh. or even earlier, dude, just 1996 in it. 1996 in it, just the day before Tupac got shot. Let's go, dude. And let's live in that day in perpetuity.

And Tupac never gets shot. And, you know, well, he got shot the first time but lived and then didn't get shot the time that killed him. Maybe he worked all of his problems out with Biggie and Puffy and all that. And maybe Puffy went on a different trajectory. This way, it wouldn't be, you know, doing all the stuff he did. And, you know, it's just like TVs and no internet and just...

Because what the fuck would the world be like with no internet now? I actually know. I remember I said newspapers the other day. and I was like, oh, are my kids going to know what I'm talking about? And Kristen was like, they know what a newspaper is. And I was like, no, no, no, I know, I know that. But I'm saying, like, because she was, we were doing jokes, like from joke books. And I was going to say the one, what's white and black and red all over.

And it's a newspaper, right? But I was like, I'm not going to do that because I don't know if they really deal with newspapers that much because they're not on our kitchen table. They're not, you know, they were when I was a kid. I knew what a newspaper was for sure 100%, because that's where we got all our information, period. And so I didn't say that joke. And then later on, Kristen said that joke.

And I was like, that's funny. I was going to do that joke. But I didn't do it because I was like, do people even know what newspapers are anymore? And they're like, they know what newspapers are. And I was like, that's not what I'm saying. I know they probably know what newspapers are. But like they're just obsolete, you know?

And then she was like, maybe I think she didn't listen to me after that. So she didn't really understand what I meant. And I suppose some of that's on me, but who fucking cares? We fighting robots. We seeing robots. I'm seeing robots. I'm seeing robots. what's this i beat the case

there's nothing to open okay what i want to know oh wait what is this here hold on let me play this here what's the answer phone what's the manlies waiting answer the phone I don't answer the phone with my own boy called me

oh let's say you had to I had to answer the phone you had to answer situation I have to answer you have to answer you're talking about like what greeting shit I said what would you say How would you answer the phone? Hey, hey, guys, guys, this isn't confusing.

If somebody called you, how do you pick up the phone? Do you say, hey, hi, how you doing? What do you do? I never thought about this. I don't answer the phone for people. I talk you four times today. And I ask you why you do that? Why do you?

Why do you? It's like a dominant play. A dominant player. You said you called him four times. Yeah. And he answered each time. All four times. Yes.

It's not really a pro. bro if we had to answer the phone no choice what you know I think it's a dominant thing you know like we're just quiet right now you know I'll answer the phone and say nothing yeah because if you calling me there's obviously something that you need to tell me dude guys guys I'm not trying to talk to you so you should just immediately start talking to me As soon as the phone gets answered, you should be surprised and immediately tell me what you mean.

Bro. What if you don't know when they pick up? That's what the hello is. Hello? Oh, now I know you picked up. Anyway, want to fuck? Guy. Submissive, bro, like, okay?

Simmissive? Yeah, you calls your phone. You just lay down until he's ready to speak. No, it's dominant. You just lay down, hands in the air, whenever you're ready. I mean, not what it is, you know? If you do it, everyone's taking this to the nth degree. Okay, so you don't.

say nothing. So you laying on your back waiting to get fuck? Uh, what? Is that what you do? I'm not saying whenever you're right. I got things to do. While he's calling me, I'm on the phone with other people making money moves. But at the same. Oh, dude, no, you're not, you know? I'm on the phone with other people making money moves.

Dude, you just said you don't answer the fucking phone. Who you're on the other phone with? So I can't, I can't, I got multiple phones. But he's sudden. He doesn't, he has multiple phones. Never picks up the phone. I got 25 phones. Never picked up one of them. Not once. It's home for the conversation.

He's not sitting at the tone. You're sitting there saying, oh, I'll just stay quiet until you want to speak to me. I wish I was in this conversation. You're some shy guy. Oh, fucking knows what buttons to push. Are you some shy guy? I don't know, bro. That's not appropriate.

A little sexual. Ow! I would just immediately ask if the graph is going up or down. Is a graph going up or down? What? This is your postmates. Because that's the only reason you should call me.

Yeah, that is true. Oh, the guy fucking confirms it. Yeah, that's true. You want to know about the graph? The only reason I would answer. So you don't know if the graph is going up and down yourself.

This is like fucking this is like curb your enthusiasm for homies. I have too many graphs I'm looking at. Oh! Come on, this is jokes These are jokes This can't be

This isn't real So you're saying that you're uncertain And you think it's appropriate This is a great Curious This is a great Satire Stalks are uncertain

For you For you? I get bad I feel it This is wow These guys are fucking funny He gets that you don't really know That much about

Okay No no no see My stocks are uncertain Because I'm on a different type of realm. submissive? These guys are great. It's just more digits.

He wouldn't really understand that. He doesn't understand that because he hasn't reached that level. That makes sense. That makes sense. It's hilarious. It's more leeway to go up and down. You got about the other tier. You wouldn't understand that.

You haven't seen that many zeros. The other guy's nodding. Yeah. My favorite number is zero. I have a zero right here. Actually, I have two. So this is how I would answer the phone. What's that, Boo?

What you got on? Now, the reason why It's because They're going to laugh One of us got to be the girl Yeah That is hilarious These guys are fucking funny dude

That are good dude That's great satire That's great satire Um The guy I wish it was real I just beat the case I'm back I beat the case

Yeah No rat no shit Did it Get it! Gonna go do exactly what he got fucking accused of again now today. Where am I? I just beat the case.

I'm back. I mean, the guy could dance. Louisville, Louisville Gucci is his name? Whoa. I feel like I'm Gucci main in 2006. No. Beat the case.

I'm back. The other guy going, yeah. I beat the case. Yeah. No. rat no snitching. Ha.

I mean. Come on. Get it. I mean, you know. This is, who is that? Louisville Gucci? Big bow. Worst.

Worst. Let me tell you what I did, no doubt. This is a kind of freestiling I like, though. So I say worst, but really honestly. kind of good. Wow. That's fantastic. I beat the guys.

Drake got his got his goth Mommy, right? Goth Batty. Also, I saw people saying that he was, this girl isn't goth, you know, she's just like,

kind of like, dressed up a little bit. Goth Batty, pink chew. What is it? Pinkachu? It says pink. Pinkychu?

I mean, you know, fucking 40-year-old white guys trying to figure this shit out. calls Drake a good boy after he gets on his knees begging her to say it while dressed as a goth boy. Please say it. Mommy, please for me, Rlessly.