Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 53. Yum

Episode Date: January 29, 2018

It's the 53rd episode! On today's show, Chris talks about ventriloquists and puppets. Also discussed: Gasparilla Pirate Festival, being an actual cult leader, the dark web, people with clammy hands, drunk girls in Tampa, the meaning of life, and giving your all. We have a double installment of TMFUIPOTW, and of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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And this is the second season. Fucking congratulations, season two, baby. That's how it's going to be. And we're going to keep doubling these seasons. We're going to do first season. We're going to do second season. We're going to double it. We're going to keep doubling it until they kill me.

So, yeah, I am back from Tampaa florida i love tampa florida okay um tampa florida is a very cool place and it gets a lot of shit and fuck you motherfuckers for shitting on it because it's awesome now are there bros and sluts? Yeah. But besides that, it's a great place. Now, I went and when I booked this, I guess, weekend there, I booked it and then I was trying to get a room there, a hotel, and it was really hard and I didn't know why. And it was because the NHL game was the, what do you call it? The All-Star game was there that weekend. And also, not only that, Gasparilla was there. Now, a lot of you guys don't know what Gasparilla is

because it's fucking stupid. And why would you want to know what something that's completely fucking stupid is? So it's in Tampa and it's like one day. It starts in the morning and it goes all the way through on Saturday. And it is a festival where, by the way, I didn't know they had music there. It is a festival where they just dress like pirates and walk around the fucking city. And there's a parade and they're celebrating like this fictitious invasion, this mythical pirate that came in. And anyway, whatever the whole thing is, doesn't matter.

Okay? And it's real dumb because everyone, and I'm talking about like 500,000 people are walking around in fucking pirate garb, see ya. Now, you got one leg? Cool. You got a parrot? Great. You don't have both those things? Put on a shirt, put on pants, do what the fuck you got to do.

Right? There were news shits about, on the news, and it was like, we are taking over the city. It was like, we're doing this, and we, you know, we got in, and the mayor gave us the it was like we are taking over the city it was like we're doing this and and we you know we got in and the mayor gave us the key and we are pirates and like no none of that happened oh hey hey had none of that happen what the fuck that's cool except how none of it happened you guys are playing a game and it's news what the fuck it's awful everybody looks like a fucking idiot tits are all out and shit guys are drunk as shit and by the way it's the most cuda shit in the world because these dudes this is the most cuda in the most cuda thing that ever happened in my life

happened this weekend. I'm walking around trying to get a coffee or some shit. Everybody's just drunk as shit. This guy comes up to me dressed like a pirate and says to me, hey, man, so what's the deal with this festival? What's it about? Bro, you're involved. Hey, man, you dressed up for this fucking festival asking somebody who's not dressed up for this festival what the fuck this festival is all about?

Hey, man, you're a fucking follower, dude. Take off your eye makeup take off your fucking pirate hat and scarf and go chill this guy put it all on and then asked what it was all about that's the most cootest shit I ever was I ever experienced

so guy walked up to me and goes and I said no and I said, no. And he kept walking. Dude, you're not pirates. That's like that. That could have shit. It's like it's like if you fucking are put on a Marlins uniform and then you go out onto the field and you're like, so what's up with this baseball shit?

Oh, you're ready already. You're ready already. You're involved in the middle of lovemaking. Hey, we fucking? Yeah. What's up with this boner shit going on? What's up with me feeling all good up in your cooch? Hey, what the fuck fuck what's this here dude you did it you're halfway done you can't ask what the fuck's going on you

idiot what's the deal i looked at him i said what he said well what is it i said i don't know man you got the stuff on and he's like oh yeah but I don't really know much about it. I say, yeah, that's cool. Go to sleep. Go fucking shopping. Dude, I don't. This thing was so dumb. It was so dumb. And they told me when I did the weekend that they're like, well, Gasparilla is that week.

And I was like, ah, fuck. That's going to be fucked up for my weekend. But then I was like, you know what? There's always some fucking bullshit festival going on. It's so annoying how many fucking festivals there are, dude. There's so many festivals. There's like a bottle cap festival somewhere probably in like Fargo. Dude, and you know what?

As a comedian, you go and you do all these things on the road and there's always a festival. Dude, and you know what? As a comedian, you go and you do all these things on the road, and there's always a festival. And I was there, and I set it up, and then my manager was like, there's this Gasparilla Festival thing, I don't know. And I was like, dude, you know what? Fuck that. This is how we do.

This is how we test the cult. My fans, they don't go to fucking Gasparilla. They know if fucking daddy's coming to town, you go to the shows, bro. You go to the fucking shows. And I thought everyone was going to be drunk and shit, but I believed in my cult. And I was like, you know what? They weren't drunk from Gasparilla because they didn't go to Gasparilla because they know what the fuck's up when daddy and mommy's talking shit. People were like, fuck yeah, fuck Gasparilla.

I was like, y'all pirates and they were like, fuck no. Dude, it was cool, man. It made me feel good and I told them,

this is a cult and they all cheered. Yeah, bro. My buddy was telling me how it's funny that like in 20 years, maybe, or no,

in 200 years, somebody would Google that Chris D'ia and and maybe think that i was actually a cult leader and i am and i and i went oh but then i am i am though bro what people have two jobs i'm a comedian and i'm a cult leader and you guys are my babies have any of you guys here's what i want to actually talk about have you guys ever gone on to the deep web or the dark web because i fucking went on google that's all i ever go on and that's the surface web and if you google what the deep web or the dark web is the deep web is apparently

like more shit is like it's like 90 of it is all fucking under what's whatever the surface web is the surface web is like yahoo and google and fucking if you go to your websites and shit and then the deep web is like subscription-based shit and like stuff that's like not traceable. And then the dark web is you're like, if you want to go do illegal stuff and like you're, you're, you're,

you want to look up pictures of fucking kids and like guns and sell drugs and shit because you can't trace it. And that's fucking scary, dude. They quit it like an iceberg, like the tip of the, like the iceberg. You can see it like the iceberg you can see that's the surface weapon and web and then all under it is all the fucking shit like the deep

web and the dark web and shit like that and they run with that fucking image online if you google dark web there's like all it's like an iceberg how many people fucking they love people love making fucking analogies bro they. They love it, man. Oh, well, you know what we'll do? We'll get an iceberg. Because here's the thing. The stuff you see in the iceberg. How many times do people use that fucking thing?

Oh, it's the iceberg. Oh, well, dude, this is what you see. This is the success you see. But under the fucking water, that was the blood, sweat, and tears, the fucking hard work the determination and up here's what you see fuck off with that analogy by the way oh the fucking microphone's falling down on fire uh-oh on fire now here's where he'll be like well you did it well don't make me do it one fire so um yeah man i was because I was listening to this website. Fucking so old.

I was listening to this website. You guys look at websites. You guys listen to websites. You guys listen to websites. W-H-E-B-S-I-T-E-S. You guys listen to whipsats? Dude, anybody who talks like that, that's like, where, where, anything like that, they have fucking such bad breath. Anyway, so they do because they got an excuse to fucking breathe all stale at you.

Dude, when somebody has bad breath i want to go oh oh wait did i talk about the time i shook the guy's hand last week and it was clammy i ran into two fucking all right i gotta i gotta get back to this fucking dark web shit but i was talking i so dude i fist bump because everybody's fucking hand is in their asshole and counting money and fucking getting shit out of their teeth and clammy as fuck. So I walk into the coffee bean and I see a comedian that I like. Okay. And he goes, what's up, dude? And I go to shake his hand because I know the guy.

I know I'm going to have dry hands. Now, as I'm shaking his hand, I realize he's with somebody. Okay. And the guy is like, hey, what's up? And he extends his hand. Now I can't fist bump the guy. I can't fucking fist bump the guy because I already shook the hand of the guy is like, hey, what's up? And he extends his hand. Now I can't fist bump the guy. I can't fucking fist bump the guy because I already shook the hand of the guy I know. And that would be really shitty if I handshaked the shit and then go to fist bump the other guy

because the other guy is going to be like, oh, I'm a piece of shit. And I look at him and I know he's got a fucking clammy hand. I know he's got a clammy hand because I can tell. Because he was just like all, I i don't know is it bad to say this but he was all big and shit you know you know when he walks upstairs he's just like and he had all fucking in i was like this guy's got clammy hands but i gotta do it i'm already involved with this other guy shaking his hand i gotta fucking shake this guy hand and so i put my hand out there fucking he captured my hand guess what happened it was a

swamp hey man i should have fucking looked him right in the eyes and been like dude are there boats in your dude are there fucking boats in your in your palm hey dude do you have hey dude is there a captain somewhere in your palm because Because it was so fucking clammy. And I just, and I, I grinned and bared it, man. And I looked at him and I went, nice to meet you. I used it to be extra nice. Wash your fucking hands and don't have clammy hands. If you know you have clammy hands, put your fingers together and fucking fist bump, man.

I got a buddy that's fucking, dude, he's so clammy. He's like a seal, dude. He's like a seal. When I, whenever anyone shakes his hand, every time I see him shake someone's hands, I watch him. I watch him wipe it off afterwards, the people. And I go, oh man, they're fucked. And I said, you got a fist bump. He's like, no, I always do. But you know, I fucked up. I tried to, but people want to shake hands. They really do. Anyway. So I was listening to this, uh, not website. i was listening to this uh not website i was listening to this podcast called sword and scale it's a very popular one you probably listened to it and i listened to episode 20 which was crazy it was about um uh this this religious guy

who used to have this puppet show in um he used to have a puppet show in the 90s or 80s, and he would talk about being a good person and being a good person, even though it's frequent. He would talk about being like with the Lord, and he would use this puppet to be like, well, should I? The puppet would be, first of all, he's a terrible ventriloquist.

It'd be like if I started to do ventriloquism and was just kind of like, hey, guys, so anyway, he's a terrible ventriloquist. It'd be like if I started to do ventriloquism and was just kind of like, hey, guys. So anyway, what's going on? And he was the creepiest puppet of all time. Because if you're in the 80s and you're a puppet, you creep. Who the fuck ever thought puppets were a good idea, by the way? Puppets are the creepiest fucking thing in the world. First of all, you got your hand up its ass.

And it's creepy. The hair is always. And I'm talking about puppets that are made to look human okay the hair is always so thick and it's like a fucking broom you know and the eyebrows are always huge ass caterpillars and the and the and the fucking eyeballs it's creepy and then the mouth just moves fucking the jaw just moves you know and you got your hand up its fucking ass cool hey who thought it was a good idea pedophiles so uh so this guy is uh so this guy is this you know uh religious he had this religious show when he would talk about these fucking you know the puppet would be like is it okay to like look at pornography and he'd be like well no it's not okay but maybe people will laugh at you if you don't do the if you don't look at pornography but it's okay because you know who is

watching the lord and he'd be like oh so one person's on your side the lord and be like oh so okay so it's good if the lord's on my side and And you'd be like, yeah. And of course he said shit. If he, you know, back then there were no websites, but he would be like, website. Like that's the kind of guy he was, you know? So this guy, I forget his name. It was like Ronald something. Of course it was Ronald. Because guys who were Ronald are creepy as shit and they love puppets.

Dude, I never, there's nothing. If you fucking have a puppet, your parents have thought about naming you Ronald. Okay? Anyway, there's another one. Ron Lucas. That's not even the guy I'm talking about. Ron Lucas Ventriloquist. Another fucking...

Anyway. So that's not the guy I'm talking about, Ron Lucas. But there was another guy, Ron something. Ronald something. And he went to, he would, I mean, what was it? Ronald, there it is, Ronald Marty. Ronald Brown, that's what it was. So, this guy would talk about being a good Christian and shit.

And, I mean, look at the puppet. Look at the puppet. Biggest sideburns of all time. Hey, no sideburns. You know, he kind of looks like the good doctor. The puppet kind of looks like fucking Freddie Highmore and the good doctor. Oh, cool. My new job that I'm on is going to they're gonna be mad at me um so uh so anyway um so anyway uh the fucking this guy would would do this and talk about how good the religion is and all that shit

you know and then uh was on the fucking deep web or dark web or whatever he was on yahoo messenger so he actually was a surface web this guy's's a fucking idiot. But he would start, he would start, he would, he was talking to this other, these other people on Yahoo Messenger about, you know, they would send child pornography to each other. And this guy would get in conversations about eating children. This ron brown eating children he's like how do you how do you eat the children and shit and then he would talk to people who have done it and the people would be like oh i like the thighs are the best part and oh dude it was so fucked up this episode 20 of that is so fucked up and the reason what makes it even more fucked up is they don't have real people doing the reenactments of the messaging they have computer generated voices it's creepy so it's like thighs are my favorite part and it's like how do you

how do you make these children go how do you capture these children and then it's like it's always good if they're younger because they can't get away. It's so fucked up. It's so fucked up. And then they'll be like, I want to eat children. And then the other person will be like, yum. And they have a robot voice go, yum. Skip that part, you know? Skip that part.

Hey, man, it's okay if you want to edit it a little bit. And they have such a harsh disclaimer. They're like, oh, man, don't okay if you want to edit it a little bit. And they have such a harsh disclaimer. They're like, oh, man, don't listen to this. Don't fucking listen to this. This is really, really graphic. Okay, here we go. I'd like to eat children. Yum.

Smiley face. Yum. They do the emojis, too. They'll be like, I really love to drown children. Smiley face. Yum. I mean, it's fucked up, dude. And this guy's just talking about how he wants to do it and fantasizing about it, and he didn't do it.

But anyway, they arrested the guy for fucking, they gave him 20 years for having child pornography. And pictures of fucking children that were like... Anyway, the max you're supposed to get for child pornography, just having it, is like eight years. And this guy got 20 years because he was talking about fucking eating children. The judge was like, yeah, man, we're going to keep you in there, though, okay? Because you know why? Because you said yum. Dude, if you say yum, there's nothing creepier than looking at a child and saying yum.

That right there gets you in jail. In my world, if you're in my cult, dude, and you're in the log cabin, and you see a kid and you say yum, yikes, communicate it. Dude, I mean, I don't even want to actually repeat what the fuck they were talking about. It was fucked up. It makes me feel bad. I don't even want to actually repeat what the fuck they were talking about. It was fucked up. It makes me feel bad. And I got some listeners here that probably wouldn't appreciate that, man.

They probably wouldn't preach. But if you want to fucking listen to the episode, go listen to it. But man, it is fucked up. Yum. Yum. What about when they're a little bit older? It is harder. still yum i just i was listening to the whole thing i looked like butthead you know butthead when when they when the weird shit when the weird uh okay uh yeah and then people

would just be like oh yeah like nothing's funnier than fucking oh yeah but it'll be like that's stupid and then people will be like oh yeah it's a follower dude anyway it was so fucked up that thing but so i looked up the dark web and the deep web and shit like that and then there are like i don't know so crazy though that this shit that you can look up and the shit that like i didn't even want to like i don't like it's weird when you see shit like like i've straight up never seen ever seen the only pornography i've ever seen is like guy on girl shit i don't even think i've seen i don't even think i've seen gay porn by mistake

i don't think I have. Maybe like on the thumbnails, like if you're watching through the, you're going through porn shit and then all of a sudden you're like, oh, that's the gay one. And if you're not gay, you don't click on it, you know? And if you are gay or secretly gay,

if you're secretly gay, you look around and then you go, you look around first. You're like, is this cool? I'm alone. I live alone, but still. Is this cool? And then you go, you look around first. You're like, is this cool? I'm just, I'm alone. I live alone, but still, is this cool? And then you see two dudes. I remember the first time I ever saw two gay guys in my life.

I was a kid and it came on TV and I saw two guys cuddling and I was really, really young, really young. And I saw two guys cuddling. And in my head, I didn't know anything about gay. I barely knew about straight. I was just like young, and I had a crush on a girl when I was a kid. And so I knew about that, and I knew I was attracted to women. And I saw two guys on a couch like playing with each other's hair,

and it was so weird to me because I had not seen it before. It was a new thing. And I was like, what? And I looked to my mom and I said, hey, mom, what the heck? Why are two guys doing that? And she said, oh, some people are gay. And I said, well, what's that? And she was like, oh, some guys like each other. And I went, really? I had no idea. And that's how I learned it. And I remember that. And I thought, and I looked at it and I thought, yum. Two guys can be on each other on the couch?

Yeah. Yum. I really would like to be with another man. Yum. I would like to be with a woman too. Yum. I would like to be sexual with anybody. Yum.

I would like to eat a woman. Yum. I would like to eat my neighbor. Yum. Eat a woman, yum. I would like to eat my neighbor, yum. Can I eat my 46-year-old neighbor, Frank, yum? I would like to have you over for dinner, Phil, yum.

Okay, what's being served, you, yum? So, yeah, so that was how i learned about that and then i knew about gay gayness gay gay the homosexual lifestyle um and uh so yeah so uh fuck man uh what was i talking about uh gay before the gay Fuck, man. What was I talking about? Gay before the gay. Podcast. I don't know. We don't know.

We don't fucking know. Sometimes we go off the rails, babies. That's how it goes. That's what this cult does. We go off the rails, babies. Man, Tampa had some... um man Tampa had some they got they have some really uh

they have some bros and sluts man they got some fucking bros and sluts out there man it's so funny too because sometimes I do this VIP line thing like uh where you I do I do a meet and greet like on some shows where I sell tickets, different tickets for – some are – the tickets are for the show and then some of them like is like – it's like a little bit more to do a meet and greet afterwards. And I can always tell the – some of the girls that are just like, I'm going to try and fuck them. And they're so there it's obvious it's so obvious when a girl looks at you

and wants to and wants to do that like you don't know because it doesn't normally happen period in the day it never happens and at night sometimes i suppose it happens but you got to understand at my show some sometimes girls will come up and be like you know hey sir hey it's like that fucking what's up yum and then they're and then they just look and sometimes they had a few drinks they just look like so it's like they think they're being subtle but they're just looking at me like a fucking velociraptor looks at a fucking a guy in a hunting outfit just some chick in tampa the other the other night the other day was uh she was just like hey what's up she came up to the meet and greet and i was like yo she had this uh drink and it was spilling all over it was like not even close to not spilling

she was already at the point it was water it was all water it was already at the point where your friends were like drink water like that's how drunk she was and her eyes were half masked she looked like a fucking ventriloquist doll that that like the and no hand was in her asshole to operate the eyes yum like so they were half masked and she was spilling water and shit and then she was like hey and i was like hey hey i grabbed her hand and i was like yo this we got to put this down put this drink down and i put the drink down and then we took the picture and she was like kept looking at me half-masked with her eyelids fucking down and i was like okay i was like yo you gotta go ahead bye you know and then she was like she and then i started talking to security like trying

to come back up on the stage while i was taking the pictures and she was like cress cress like that loud from and i was like i heard her but it wasn't loud enough so i was like okay i kept taking pictures with other people i was like oh thanks so much for coming you guys really appreciate the support they leave and in the back i kept hearing cress cress cress and the and security guard is like well i can't like touch her but i want she's like you gotta leave you gotta leave and she's just sitting there like cress cress and then i was like yeah yeah what's up i looked around i was like what's up and she looks at me and she does this with the hand like come here like the fucking and i was like i i can't come there i gotta do this right now but the

security will deal with everything if you need you know trying to be like she looked like she wanted to eat my face yum i would really like to eat you chris d'elio yum your thighs are the best part yum i would love to eat your testicles last and your lips yum the lips are the best part, yum. I would love to eat your testicles last and your lips, yum. The lips are the best part. Yum. Yum, dude. By the way, who says yum anyway unless you're like a fucking 50-year-old school teacher talking about a pie?

Who the fuck says yum? You know? If you're at a restaurant and the food comes and you're like, oh, fucking yum. Dude, you're out. See ya. Unless you 100% mean it. But there's no way to say yum without thinking, ah, dude, I just said yum. But if you don't think that, cool.

Congratulations then. You meant it. But don't fucking say anything you aren't 100% about, man. Oh, yum. Ah, what are you going to say because they yum you imagine in jersey saying that shit uh yum what this guy fucking said yum get the fuck out of here you say yum fuck are you doing one time when i was at nyu i was with my friends they were all from new york and uh we were at this diner and i put a bib i put not the bib but i put the fucking i was gonna eat something messy and I put the napkin in the fucking turtleneck. Turtleneck, what am I talking about?

In my fucking crew neck. It was 1999. But I put it in my crew neck and then the napkin was out and Tom, my buddy who was in New York, he was like, yo, get the fuck out of here. You got to take that out.

I'm not going to fucking sit here and eat with you with your fucking, with your napkin on your fucking shit. Take that off. And I was like, yeah, maybe he's right. And then Ted, my other buddy, was in New York. He was like, nah, nah, fuck that. He's like, nah.

Oh, wait, no, no. Sorry. Like it matters. But Ted said that part about the thing. And then Tom was like, who was even more in New York. He was like, nah, nah, I want you to fucking eat. Nah, if he wants to eat like that, I want him to eat like that. Fuck that.

You do what you're going to do. That's so New York, dude. That's so New York. One guy be like, yo, fuck that. I ain't sitting here and eating with you or fucking shit like that. The fuck are you doing? Take that out of your fucking neck. Then the other guy's like, nah, nah, don't take it out of your neck.

Keep it there. If he's going to do it, that's how he wants to. I want him to fucking be him. Fucking do it. Don't take it out of your bib just because some other motherfucker says not to do it. And then I ate the food. Yum. Then I ate the pasta and spaghetti with meatballs and bolognese.

Yum. The weird part was that the yum would come right after the shit. You know? I love to eat children yum. Like the word was children yum. Anyway, so I fucking don't know what I was talking about.

About the New York shit and then a bib. What was I talking about? On fire, dude. Tampa and then the fucking bib and then the girl came up to me and then the fucking. Some of the listeners know, too. They're like, oh, fucking we know. We can't help you, though.

Oh, well, that's it, dude. I just told you the New York story for no fucking reason. For fuck's sake. But this is how it is. And this is why it, dude. I just told you the New York story for no fucking reason. For fuck's sake. But this is how it is. And this is why it's fucking... Dude, some other fucking dudes get podcasts. They got guests. What was I talking about?

I don't know. Oh, this and that. Dude, fuck that shit. This is it. We're on the phone. That's how it is, man. We're on the fucking phone. And your speaker doesn't work.

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thanks for listening to the commercial break So that's what's up, babies. Thanks for listening to the commercial break. Yum. I would really like an apple right now. Yum. Dude, I was on. You know what I haven't seen yet is Jumanji. I was wondering about this, man. Two of my favorite celebrities...

Two of my favorite celebrities, okay, are The Rock. My favorite celebrity is The Rock. Okay, period. I love The Rock. My favorite celebrity is The Rock. Okay. Period. I love The Rock. I think he's great. And I love Kevin Hart.

I think those guys are rad. I think they do cool shit. I think they're good celebrities and they seem like good people and shit. And The Rock seems like an amazing person. The Rock, they're never, ever stopping these two guys. They do, I mean, they never don't work. I mean, they never don't work. And I was thinking about like, what is it?

I was talking about this with my buddy, and he was like, well, what are they? It seems like they're running away from something if they work that hard, you know? And it's like, nah, I don't know if I agree with that. But what's the goal? What's the goal? What's the goal? Like, let me put it this way, okay? I'm the number one movie star in the world, okay? I put the number, I'm the number one movie star in the world.

I've done all my other movies that have been coming, they've been number one. I did the fucking action movies with The Rock, right? That's who you are, right? You have millions and millions of dollars, hundreds of millions of dollars. You got your private jet. You have a family. You just had a baby, which The Rock did, I think, last year.

And Kevin Hart just had another one. And somebody says, hey, now we want to make Jumanji. In my head, I go like this. Of course not. Of course not. Not because I don't think Jumanji is going to be a good movie. It has nothing to do with that. It's probably a great movie.

I haven't seen it. But why? why? Because you want another number one movie or because I guess you love working. I don't know. I mean, I guess you could say like, why do another show, but I need to pay bills too but these guys don't need to pay bills so what is it what is it is it to have your i don't know my point is my point is is they're doing and not that i'm not trying to like dude i think the rock's great kevin hart's fucking hilarious at what point does it become, I guess, repetitive is what I'm saying. Like, for instance, I did three specials.

I've done three specials. My next special, I don't know what it's going to be about. I don't know when I'll do it. I'm not going to do it right now. I'm in no rush. But these guys just keep churning out movies and making money. At what, if, like, doing the same thing over and over again is to me just not desirable really, I guess. I don't know.

When I go on stage, I guess I talk about different things a lot. But I mean, I guess you could argue that. I'm just trying to think about this shit out loud. But like at what point like, okay, I don't have it all. I don't have it all. I make good money. I make a good living. I'm still working towards shit like getting a private jet.

I don't have it all. I don't have access to everything. I have, you know, I can pick up and go to fucking Toronto tomorrow. I can do a week-long vacation in fucking France. That's not it all, right? These guys can literally do anything they want to. So why make Jumanji,ji I guess is what my question is I I want to know what it is that drives somebody like that

that's what I want to know like what is it about I guess they're just work, like, workaholics? But why not do something else? And again, I'm not talking shit. I think they're fucking great. But if I'm in that situation, I just would want to do something else, I think. If you can do anything you want, I would want to do a fucking documentary or play a fucking weird-ass part or something.

You know, like Kevin Hart, what he did, he got into working out and he started a – like he – there's a good – there's a good actually example. He's not – The Rock is more of an example of it. Like Kevin Hart is running marathons and I don't think he did that 10 years ago. Like there's something – there's something that to me is like, oh, okay. Yeah. Do something else.

Kevin Hart now has this whole workout thing, hustle with heart. And that's, that's, uh, that's to me, like something I would want to do. Like if,

if you all of a sudden you like, like make another movie, like, yeah, make movies continue. But like, that's just crazy to me. Just keep doing the same thing over and over again.

Um, That's just crazy to me. Just keep doing the same thing over and over again. I don't know. People think about that shit, though. Like, well, what's life about? I hate when people talk about, like, what's the meaning of life? Like, there's so many movies where it's like, well, because we wanted to figure out what the meaning of life was and why mankind exists. Like what, what dude, there's a question that I'm not interested in at all. What's the meaning of life? Huh? What do you mean? What do you fucking mean? What's the meaning of life? Family? What, what are you talking about? Togetherness? I don't understand. What do you mean? What are you talking about? Togetherness? I don't understand.

What do you mean? What is even that question? That question is so big and so vague it shouldn't even exist. What's the meaning of life? Imagine whoever, God, would come down and be like, what the fuck are you asking about? The meaning of life? I don't know what the fuck you mean, dude. What does that mean? Whenever somebody says, what's the meaning of life, I don't know what the fuck you mean, dude. What does that mean? Whenever somebody says,

what's the meaning of life? I don't, I kind of write that person off. Like, what do you want me to say? Oh, family. Oh, yeah? We're so insignificant anyway. We're fucking human and shit.

We're basically a step up from monkeys chilling you know what the meaning of life is chilling chilling laughing being happy i don't know what the fuck you know what do you want to hear oh dude how pretentious is it when people are like, yeah, but what's the meaning of life? Why is mankind here? What are you talking about, dude? Go get some fucking, go get some, go get laid. What's the meaning of life? Hey, shut up and eat some fucking fruit. What's the meaning of life?

Get these bags, motherfucker. I hate that saying now. Got to go get the bag. Dude, you know how many bags I got? Oh, shut up. What's up with these rappers that don't even have an album yet? They're just talking on the fucking money phone.

They just got bricks of money pretending like they're a phone, and they don't even have an album yet. They'll be like, dude, my album's dropping next year. What the fuck are you? You just live with your parents, dude. So weird to me what's the meaning of life dude when i was in tampa i had the greatest uber ride of all time of all, they didn't have my car to take me to the airport.

For some reason, they fucked up. So I had to order an Uber. So I order an Uber and this dude shows up who is, he got a Suburban. He shows up

and he's got the fucking, these lights in the car that are like little different colors and this strobe-like fucking disco thing. And it's like red different colors and this strobe like fucking disco thing and it's like red and blue and green and purple and we get in it's 530 in the morning we're trying to get to the airport and the guy's like

the guy's like what's up man how was Gasparilla I was like nah we didn't do it we were just here for work he's like oh man Tampa's the shit he was like I moved here because my friend came here, and she died, and then I stayed here. And I was like, ah, one star. But I liked he had an Uber shirt on, dude.

He had a shirt on that was a collar, and it said Uber and his name. And this guy showed up, and I was like, yo, what? I was like, oh, they make those? In my head. And he was like, dude, he was the best Uber driver I ever had. Hands down. You know how I talk about having passion for your fucking job? You're here on this earth.

Do what you want to do. Okay? Live your fucking masterpiece. And like this guy showed up in a fucking uber shirt and then he was like man i drove a cab for a long time and i wanted to drive this uber and i came to tampa and i fucking i i you know i got this he's like let me turn the strobe lights off for you man if you don't want them i was like oh i don't care he was like i just look at it as an investment man i try to give these people an experience by the way i didn't ask him about this shit at all he was like i just wanted to give him an experience

man he was like that's why i got all this shit and then he he pointed to all the different things in his car like the the phone holder thing that shows the ride and then like um uh he pointed to his shirt and he was and every time he pointed to a different thing, he'd be like investment, investment, investment. He pointed to the strobe light investment. He pointed to cup holders investment, the,

the fucking hand sanitizer investment. I put it all back in. Cause I want these people to be happy and have an experience. And he was like, a lot of people, he's like, yo, I got the shirt. I got the Uber shirt.

He's like, you ain't never seen an Uber shirt. He was like, a lot of people, he's like, yo, I got the shirt. I got the Uber shirt. He's like, you ain't never seen an Uber shirt. He was like, ain't nobody have this. He was like, this is an investment. I went and I had this shirt. He's like, oh, Uber gave you those? Oh, no, I made this. I had this made. I was like, dude, that's awesome.

And he was like, well, I want to give people the biggest experience, best experience. You know what? I'm going to go on the app right now and give him a tip. I didn't do it yet. Uber. Here we go. Opening up the Uber.

This guy was dope. How was your trip with David? Going to give him five stars and I'm going to give him a tip. I'm going to give him five stars, and I'm going to give him a tip. I'm going to give him a $30 tip. Did it. Wait. Sit.

Okay. Did it. Because that's an investment, and I want to add to his investment, man. And that's, you know, this guy, dude, the guy was so dope. I just love when people love their job, man. I love when people love what they do and their fucking purpose or whatever the fuck, you know? I don't, like when people are just doing it to do it or they do it because they're good at it, you know? I don't like that.

Like I do stand up. Like, that's the other thing, too. Like, I used to feel bad about getting upset with people when they were doing their job. But I don't feel bad about it anymore because once I started, like, doing what I love and fucking working so hard. Like, I work so hard, dude. And I work hard and I try to give the best show I can, dude. Every single time i do and so when somebody's gonna half-ass their shit like i have no patience for that man i don't give a fuck what

you do from being the richest guy in the world to not the richest guy in the world you know i don't know. I don't know. Let's look at the questions, yeah? No? No? Here we go and then also i'm gonna look up fucked up grinch fucked up grinch to gram crows of the reeks i don't know um opening up my uh-oh

oh here's a good one jesus christ okay this shit um oh what so this is okay guys ready for the most fucked up instagram post of the week all right so this is brought to you by somebody who... All right, actually, I'm going to read the thing first. So this is what it is. If anyone ever calls you weird, just remember that humans created normal. And if we went back in time and changed normal to your weird, everyone would be weird, but it would be normal. Do you?

Oh, man. Go shopping, dude. Get the fuck out of here. Oh, really? Oh, you're the first guy that said that huh in 2018 oh congratulations man oh also keep your friends close your enemies closer right yeah you say that too takes one to know one is that what you say jesus christ dude here's what the picture is of fucking two people and i shit you not a guy and a girl guy's got his arm around his girl and they've got i'm sure it's fake but blood all over their face yum they both have blood all over their faces yum oh cool so it's so there i guess they're suggesting that if you have blood

all over your face yum then you are weird but if we went back in time and put blood all over our faces and said that was normal then that would be normal and the other people would be weird get out of here dude yum oh whoa here's another one i'll do jesus this this is a twofer. I don't remember even saving this one. This guy is a picture of him squatting, pointing to the sky. Already a stupid fucking ass picture. Don't take a picture like that. Don't take a picture of you squatting, pointing to the sky, not looking at the sky. It's like he's doing it like this, like, God damn you, sky.

This is, I guess, a poem he wrote. I don't know. It's not a poem, but it looks like it's written. Each line is a space after it. You're trying to understand the sky. You're the sky. You'd like to disarm your enemy. You are the enemy. You want the confidence of your hero. You are the hero. You wish to manipulate time. You are time. You see the perfection in a baby. You are the baby. You wish to fulfill your dreams. You are the dreams.

Hey, try to guess when this poem ends and I'm adding stuff to it. You do anything and everything you can to feel alive. You are alive. You try to cook all the food and not be a chef. You are the chef. Okay. That's kind of obvious that that part was the part that i was the part that i made up come on dude oh there's more pictures so he's pointing to the sky at one or the other one he's fucking dancing on the ground and then the other one he's holding his his hand like this and looking up at the sky

you're trying to not not act like a pretentious asshole you are the pretentious asshole come on dude fuck out of here did you guys watch the grammys i didn't watch the grammys all i heard was fucking somebody interview a little oozy of her and they were like what are you gonna do after this and then he said wake up and eat pop tarts uh cool man uh cool you gotta go sleep first what about that what about that, this is a dream? Is that what you're saying? All my friends are dead, dude. All my friends are dead.

All my friends are dead. Yum. Will you be eating them or can I perhaps dine on your friends? Yum. Okay, let's go to the questions. What is the weirdest thing that has happened when you were doing a set? Oh, I had to go to the bathroom and I had to run off stage and have my opener come back on and do it while I went to the bathroom. And then I went back and finished the set. There was nothing I could have done. I was in Houston. Tom, that was at Big Blue

Ridge. See ya. Change it. Big Blue Ridge? Cool. Change it. Go to another one. Go to the one that was Tickle Bitties. What was the other thing they asked about Tickle Bitties? I hate that shit. John, at JMA1 underscore. How about people who say Tickle Bitties?

Just say Big Titties, dude. Everyone knows what you're fucking saying. It's still so fucking crass to say tiggled bitties if i said hey fucking suck cock my suck you know what the fuck i'm talking about all right don't say don't say it you know what the fuck they're saying, you know? Cock my suck. Hey, cock my suck. Tickle bitties? We know you're saying big old titties.

Also, saying old is disrespectful. There's something kind of cool, though. If you were having sex and you were like, ah, yeah, look at those big old titties. Like, there's something creepy and, like, dope about that, you know? Every guy knows what I'm talking about too like if you did a just something weird about like being like if you did that during sex the girl wouldn't like it but i feel like you'd like an extra what the fuck is the deal with that huh here's a cullen bb at bb cullen do you ever bomb

at this point in your career uh it's tough now because people know who you are if they're coming to your show. Bombing is no. It's different. You'll have a bad set every now and then, but bombing is different. Like maybe you could bomb if it was like a tour that I did with a bunch of other guys and they weren't all necessarily in the audience. They weren't all my fans you know maybe like maybe if i opened up for like chapelle or some shit

maybe i could bomb then because it's they're waiting for him but like at this point if you're at your show and all the fucking babies are out in full force you're not gonna bomb i would have to have a mental breakdown i would have to be be like, I want to eat Ketium. And even them knowing me, they're probably like, yeah, we know that from the podcast. Keith Richardson, at KeithRich419. Thoughts on people that create social media accounts for their animals. Here's the deal. Never do that, period.

Don't do it at all. It's it. It's it. Can't have it. Nobody gives a fuck about your dog that much you do therefore take those photos put it in a photo album in your iphone and keep it there that's it i gotta you gotta if i made one for my dogs you know how fucking stupid that would be no never under any circumstance even as a joke make a fucking Instagram for your pet. Bye. How about this?

Unless you have an elephant. Then, okay, I'll allow it. If you're in my cult and we're in the log cabin and I notice you have an Instagram for your pet, you get ousted. You get ousted, dude. I'll do it. Some real Stalin shit.

Can't be part of it. Can be par. By the way, I saw, I saw, when I was at Gasparilla, no, I wasn't even at Gasparilla, it was before Gasparilla.

It was the day before when I was in Tampa. And this is, this is, this girl had on fucking, her ass was out. Like she had on these pants and she was just wearing them. And she had a rip in her ass. It was like prints. Like prints how it showed her ass. It was so fucking crazy. I was thinking about what if that was your daughter.

Alex Penrose. At Penrose Alex. Hey, Chris Lea, what do you think of Jay-Z with hair? I think that's cool. He looks cool. He looks cool. That's a weird question, but he looks cool. You know?

He looks good. That's it, dude. I think I'm going to be done. You guys are cool. Thank you so much for listening. Oh, we got a post-wrap. We got to wrap up this shit. Oh, I got my new tour being announced soon.

So I'm going to hit all bunch of cities. Coming up first, I think, is like Nashville and shit. And I got some shit going on. And I think, actually, I'm coming to Alabama or Arkansas, one of those. I don't know. Those are the same to me. Is that bad? I don't know. Those are the same to me. Is that bad? I don't know.

Anyway, Winnipeg, Calgary, Saskatchewan, Cleveland, they're all on sale now. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Rate and review the show. It helps us out. It'd be great if you share the videos. Video episodes come up on Tuesdays or

Wednesdays. You can watch Man on Fire still and Incorrigible and White and Black Comic. Thank you for listening. And Blue Apron, check out this week's menu and get your $30 off with free shipping at blueapron.com slash congrats. And Square Cash, you got to switch. If you didn't do it yet, download the free Square Cash app. Enter rewards code, reward codes, rewards code congrats. You get $5. You get $5 as time's up. Get rewards code. Reward codes. Rewards code. Congrats. You get $5.

You get $5. It says Time's Up. Get it for iOS or Android now. And I'm going to be on The Good Doctor tonight, which is Monday, if you're listening now. And then I'm on a bunch of The Good Doctor episodes coming up, too. Stay tuned for Life in a Year, which is a movie I did. And remember. Oh, and Half Magic is coming out next month, which is another movie

I did with Heather Graham directing. And remember... Yum. Half Magic. fucking five you bitch fucking fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck

you