Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 54. Dick-Nosed Fuck Party

Episode Date: February 5, 2018

It's the 54th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about sex parties. Also discussed: people who prank each other, getting in fights in traffic, No H8, women who shave their heads, and the Super Bowl. We have a special elder today, and of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Episode 54 of Congratulations is brought to you by the Cash App. You want to get paid $5 and also give $5 to charity, then now's your chance to do so. Right now, if you download the Cash App and enter the reward code congrats, you'll receive $5 and the Cash App will send $5 to the Time's Up Legal Defense Fund. And that's important to us here at um congratulations to me and one fire uh so cash app is the number one finance in the app store uh and uh if you're not if you're not with that then get with that download the free cash app for ios or android now Hey, what's up, guys? Chilling. Already want to fire off to a rough start, man. He's supposed to start the timer and let me know when I'm supposed to come in after the theme song. supposed to start the timer and let me know when I'm supposed to come in after the theme song. And I have a whole screen on my wall that you guys can't see that I'm looking at.

And it has the timer on it. And he's got a bunch of other stuff open. And he put the other stuff over the timer. So I wasn't able to see when I was supposed to come in. So I don't know if I came in too early or too late. Either way, you know what the deal is. Juan Fire. And by the way, it's spelled Juan Fire, like the fucking name Juan and then F-Y-R-E. It is not spelled W-A-N. And some people write it that way. And now that's very fucking stupid. Now let me explain why.

Because Juan is not a name. This is a Chinese guy. And it's not a chinese guy he's a mexican guy uh one fire is mexican now even though he's not mexican he's a white guy and even though you don't know his true identity one fire the producer in essence is a mexican guy um that's why his name is juan uh so anyway uh this is episode number 50 something so that's great uh i was uh driving down to get my coffee earlier and uh while i was doing it there was a traffic jam on the uh on the street on my street which is really my street is really fucking annoying for that shit. Uh, because it just is too small and it's an, I'm in the Hills and shit. Uh, and, uh, this guy was like not moving on the street and then he moved and then, and then, and then the people were

trying to come up and I was behind him and he was in a car and I was like come up. And I was behind him. And he was in the car. And I was like, all right. I was like, he's not moving. All right, I'm going to go in front of him. So I went to go move around in front of him. And he fucking leans out of his window and he says, what the fuck you think I'm doing? I'm just here for my health. And now I went from zero.

He went from zero to 60 in the anger department. And so I went to 70 in the anger department because what the fuck? And I said, yo, man, what the fuck? I don't know what the fuck you're doing. There's crazy people out there. Maybe you're just sitting there for no reason. I said, maybe you're just maybe you're fucking waiting for somebody in the house. What the fuck do I know?

You fucking asshole. And I called him a fucking asshole. And then he was like, he was like, oh, well, think about it, but don't be stupid.

And I was like, there's a hundred percent chance of a fucking possibility that you could absolutely be waiting for somebody to come out of their house. And I was right. You know, I was just right. And he felt real dumb. I'm sure.

Oh, so then he went ahead of me, which he was ahead of me anyway, and then got down and there's a shortcut I know about and he doesn't know about it because he's no shit, because he's a fucking brain-dead fucking dumb shit. I saw him and his argument made in a sense. So I went and I blasted through the shortcut, and I got in front of him, and there was a...

When it intersects back at the front, you meet each other again, and I was ahead of him. And I was ahead of him this time. So I Al Unser Jr'd it, and I fucking saw him, and then I rolled down my window and I go like this. I stuck my tongue out and fucking gave him the finger dude I bet that bunched him up motherfucker oh I bet that bunched him up oh I bet that fucking bunched him up dude don't fucking yell at me on my street you fucking bitch I fucking murdered that fool, dude.

You know what I did? I fucking... I took a traffic... I slammed him in a traffic... I traffic slammed him. Yo, dude, I'm Tupac when I drive, man. You don't fucking... You're on my street? You're on my street?

Motherfucker. Yeah. you don't fucking you're on my street you're on my street motherfucker dude you're on my street and you're gonna tell me how to drive bro and i'm not wrong here oh dude fuck am i dennis franz don't turn me into dennis franz baby don't turn me into dennis franz and nypd blue every time i turn into nypd blue dennis franz is yelling at somebody and it's don't turn me into Dennis Franz, baby. Don't turn me into Dennis Franz of the NYPD Blue. Every time I turn into NYPD Blue, Dennis Franz is yelling at somebody, and it's always on the audience channel. So speaking of slamming, though, I did the Grand Slam this week.

I fucking had the bases loaded, and Daddy just knocked one out of the park. I fucking had the bases loaded and daddy just knocked one out of the park. I fucking slammed the ball so hard that I hit it and then I just relaxed my body. And then I said very softly to nobody while I'm on the diamond, say goodnight, Gracie. So what I said, I said, say goodnight, Gracieie i did the ultimate slam the grand slam denny's thinks that they have the grand slam but they don't you know who has the grand slam daddy on friday night that's who i had the grand slam and i'll tell you about it and if you follow me on my instagram you already know about it but this is what happened and I'll tell it in more detail.

First of all, let me start by saying, I don't like pranks. I don't think they're very funny. I think that mostly if somebody's doing pranks, they're not funny. They just, it's what,

to me, it's always what people who aren't that funny think are funny are like pranks to like, like pulling down someone's pants in public. That's not to me it's just like you saw somebody do it so you know that's something so you can do it now you copycat right in essence you could um but uh But this was something that I guess technically would be classified as a prank. And I can't – I couldn't resist this because it was just too good. All right, so my opener, mic. By the way, how do I turn these headphones up?

Middle one? Top left? I got it, yeah. All right, cool. Worked. One fire, one higher. But one fire because it was too low in the first place. So anyway.

So here's the deal. So my opener, Mike Linoci, he fucking, I bring him around in the country and shit, and he opens for me most of the time. I have other openers too, but I use him a lot. So he, like, buys clothes from Old Navy and shit, and he'll get, you know, like, dude, who the fuck's buying clothes from Old Navy, by the way? Who's buying that shit? Old Navy and shit and he'll get you know like dude who the fuck's buying clothes from Old Navy by the way who's buying that shit Old Navy by the way I wouldn't buy clothes from Old Navy Old Navy oh it's the Mexican Old Navy because because of the guy on the thing I hate that shit. Old Navy. I hate that so much, dude.

Old Navy and their quirky ass commercials. Old Navy. We've got pans for $4. There's shit in them. Anyway. Like, go to H&M. It's cheap. It's just as cheap and it's way better.

And also, they're completely racist anyway um so so i so my my opener said he he he has bad clothes dude he he wears like swag and shit that or i guess schwag you call it i don't what the fuck they call it shit that you get for free and shit anyway um you wear like a shirt from a podcast and you're like what the fuck are you doing so uh and like basketball shorts and what the fuck you doing e33 you were in basketball shorts out so so he uh said to me uh he was like he got some money because he was making some money you know he's opening up for me and he's fucking making some money and he was like i'm gonna fucking finally buy an outfit that chris thinks would it would be cool and i'm gonna buy an

outfit that i know is good because g star you know i saw a place like g star and diesel and shit like that and and they're good they're good they got shit. So he got this outfit from G-Star, I guess. And he got this sweater and these pants. And all week he was sending it to the group text, the group chain. Like, hey, dude, it's over, motherfucker. I finally got some good clothes. I got these pants and this shirt.

And he was taking video of his shirt and his pants and sending it to me and our other friends and some other openers and shit. Dude, you're not going to be able to follow me, dude. The student finally surpassed the teacher. And he was like, now I got a good outfit and it's giving me the confidence. I'm going to fucking go on stage on Friday night and I'm going to kill him. You're not going to be able to follow me. And I'm like, all right, well, okay, you know, fine.

I mean, you know, let him live in his fucking world and it's fun and it's cute and i know he's also not being serious uh so he so thursday night before the show on friday night at the laugh factory i get this idea oh i can ruin this guy's night i can go on friday because i know exactly what outfit he got. I can go buy the exact same outfit, show up at the show, be wearing the outfit. And the best part about it is nobody is going to think that I'm dressing like him because he's the opener. They're going to all think that he's dressing like me. Not to mention I go on stage after him so I can just say, oh, this fucking guy is now dressing like the fucking guy he idolizes. How fucking dumb is this guy that he goes and he tells me, oh, and he's bragging like, oh, yeah, you're not going to be able to follow me.

Dude, I went to G-Star and I bought, by the way, I showed up and the fucking outfit was on the mannequin. What a fucking – do you know what I mean? How – you know when I saw it on the fucking – when I saw the outfit on the mannequin, I just about shit myself. I was like, this guy bought it straight from the mannequin. What a sucker, you know? Dude, you're a motherfucking sucker If you see this shit You know how embarrassing it is too Because people know that

Some people saw the shit and then will see you And they'll be like oh that's the fucking he saw it on the mannequin Looks better without a head So I show up with the outfit And the reaction is priceless He's got a great reaction You gotta look it up on uh on my instagram and then uh and then i go on stage and i'm like dude how fucking bitch is it

that he he's wearing he's dressing like the guy he works for now he's fucking this bitch has dress dress like me and uh and it was great man he came up on stage and he was like tell him the truth like such like it's a bitch look at his face bro you know my opener's face dude sometimes you just this guy's fucking face you know uh anyway dude it was awesome it was a fucking 100 grand slam took the wind out from him and uh from under his sail under his sails under his wings whatever the fuck i don't know anyway uh it was so funny so check it out on my instagram uh so that's it i i murdered him and Grant slammed it. I fucking, I love shit like that, man.

I love making fun of people that you love, that then it, like, you do that shit and then it brings it together. Now, I don't know. It's been a while since I've been on the other side of it, though, you know? Like, I gotta, I wonder. I, because growing up, I was always the fucking butt of this shit like dude i think i think honestly in my family i was the one who got made fun of the most

like my mom my brother my dad like 100 and i think that that's why i love it so much because they love me so much and if i'm making fun of you it's kind of how i show that i at least like like you or want you to be a part of the group you know uh so i love doing it i love doing it to people that i love and i like doing it to even people that i like right like if i like some people i like right away and i just start busting their balls and i like it when they do it back it's fun i don't know i love being made fun of and i love making fun of people i don't get it when people just don't like it like and they just like get offended and shit i mean i understand not everybody's upbringing was the same, but some of these motherfuckers just...

When somebody gets bent out of shape because of some shit that you're making fun of, and you're just fucking with them, that's a rough childhood they must have had. That's just a rough childhood they must have had. I don't know. It's just like... There's two things, though though that if you make fun of a guy for a man for it'll fuck him up and one is their outfit but the other one that's the main one

that's the home one that always works the outfit kind of works what always works is their haircut or their hair it's like god what's up with your hair if you just say that the guy's night's fucked oh what's up with you what's up with your hair and they say oh what do you mean and he's oh no nothing i just nothing you'll fuck them up all night or if you just talk to them and you kind of like look at their hairline while you're talking uh-huh yeah and just keep looking up okay yeah cool, cool. And then kind of stare at it and then go like this. And then walk away. You'll fuck him up for a week.

That's fucking psychological warfare. Dude, what's up with the... What's up with the... chicks just shaving their head and being brave? What's up with that? What's up with chicks just being like, I'm going to shave my head now I'm brave. What are you doing? What's going on?

What's really going on, huh? Hey, I got a question for you. What's really going on? I don't need to subscribe to... Hold on. Before you even say anything. What's really going on? No, but I...

Because I just think that the way the world perceives you, stop right there. Besides that, before you even get started, what's going on? What's really going on? You had a rough, you had a rough go? Huh? You had a rough go?

You don't need hair to be beautiful. Okay, cool. Why are you shaving it though you tired that's the shit i do it for me everyone when people say i work out for me ah fucking suck my dick though really ah really turn around oh you work out for you yeah there's no vain shit involved you don't like your abs oh yeah you do that for you real I have one small thing to say, whoops, whoops, did you slip and fall, because whoops, you're lying, dude, you don't have to, yeah, Dude, you don't have to. Yeah, but what's really going on?

How come everybody fucking... It's like people get on their high horses. It's so unreal. Remember that no hate shit with the tape over their mouths? I understand no hate and don't have hate. Hate is bad. But take that fucking tape off your your mouth, off your mouth. Nobody's silencing you.

This is the, you can say anything. This is the, oh, but we're not allowed to. Yeah, you are. Yeah, you are. You can say whatever you want. Now more than ever, anybody can say whatever they want and get it out there. So take that fucking tape off in your mouth and instead of putting the tape on your mouth let me usher you outside a sec dude that no hate shit i mean i understand it i understand no hate. I get it.

And I'm not knocking that. But these fucking, you know, and it was a successful campaign, sure. I mean, but are we really not hating? Are we hating less? Nah. We hating more? Yeah. Know how I know?

The president hates everyone. And he's the number one leader of the free world. I mean, so many people did these fucking with the tape over their mouths and then a picture like this. What? Why is it a beauty shot, dude?

Why is it a beauty shot? Oh, look who did one. Who's this guy? Who's that guy? who's that guy, what's that guy's name again, Nash Greer, he did one,

remember when he called everyone, the fucking gay guys, he called them the F word, remember when he said that, rhymes with maggots, remember when he said that, no hate, except when I'm on Vine though,

no hate, my ass dude, that's what people fucking hate, that's what people fucking it that's what people hate double talk motherfuckers guys wearing some fucking uh eyes wide shut masks you don't know who they are remember that fucking eyes wide shuts that shit dude Wide Shut, one of my favorite movies of all time. Period. Top ten. Period. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,

ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, the whole movie. You know the balls to have to have fucking two piano notes playing the whole movie ding ding ding just look up any youtube video on it tom cruise nicole kidman that movie rocks dude and then they put on the fucking masks with the dick nose and go look at everybody fucking

dude i want to do one of those ding ding ding i want to do one of those. Ding, ding, ding. Ding. I want to do one of those. I want to go to one of those places where you wear a mask and watch everyone fucking and have everybody like watching. Dude, if there's more than five people fucking in a room, there has to be that music playing and even if it's not a fucking what do they call them a didgeridoo you just have some big fucking fat guy just in the corner the big mask and a dick nose just jerking off in the corner watching. Ding, ding, ding, ding. Ding, ding.

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Mimshalom. Mimshalom. Mimshalom. That movie is fucking so dope. That's one of my favorite movies of all time. Tom Cruise is the shit. Oh, man. Oh, man, I love that movie, dude. I'm watching a little bit of it. Tom Cruise just cries so hard at the end of that movie for no reason.

Finding a mask. It's a bitch. I found a mask. He starts crying. Bling, bling, bling. I want to go to one of those fucking, dude, some chick asked me to go to one of those once. She was like, yeah, let's go.

Let's go. You wear a mask and everyone fucks and you watch everyone fuck. And I'm like, no. Nah. She was like, why not? I said, because everyone's going to know it's me. She said, no, you wear a mask. I said, you can still tell.

I look like a fucking bird. Oh, no, but you wear a mask with a fucking beak on it? Oh, cool, they'll know more because i look more like a bird no put these wings on people gonna be like that's crystalia she's like other celebrities go oh yeah cool let them go there's no way if i went and i put a fucking beak nose dick fucking face mask on and then went on to one of those things there's no she's like pictures aren't allowed yeah see ya she's like come on go we'll fuck everyone i was like and nah hey man you derelict come on dude nah not going to one of those fucking dick nose fuck parties

just give me the mask and i'll fucking I want to go home and fuck someone in it give me the mask I'll go fuck you know my girl my loving wife in it that would be that is amazing dude dude I want to know how weird fucking some married couples like sex lives are. You know? Like that shit. Like I, people, you know how like guys are like, you know how like some guys, I don't know if everybody knows this,

but some guys like, if you show your dick to some guys, they'll be like, oh, come on, man. Like you got one. You have one, you fucking dumb shit. Oh, I don't need to be seeing all that.

Fuck that. If a guy shows me his dick, I fucking stare at it, dude. What are you going to do, man? I'll spit at it. I'll put on my dick mask. Dude, like, it's a dick, bro. I'm Greek as fuck when it comes to that shit. I'm Grecian.

I'm the guy when they would put the lily pad over their dicks. I'm the guy that goes like this. What's this for? And I throw it in a fucking hot spring. We doing it or we doing it? You don't fucking half-ass Greek shit. We're all Grecian, baby. Show your dick.

Show your dick. I get why girls don't want to show their... But dudes, if you're around dudes, I went to a Russian, was it Russian? No. It was an Asian bathhouse. Once, and I was with my jujitsu class, and we all went there,

and this big ass Russian guy named Alexei, of course, came out dick swinging, dude. Everyone had their towels on and he was just like, hey, how's it going? And gave me a hug. I was like, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro. Does not have your dick touch me. But yeah, so I don't, I would go to one of those fucking parties, but I wouldn't want

to fuck anyone. That would be so weird to me. I just want to go see it. But they don't want people to just go see it, you know? Although they probably do have some casual observers because that's probably a kink for some of them, you know? But I would want to go with like a fucking mask on of another actor that might be there. Like if they made a fucking Harvey Keitel mask, you know? And then show up and Harvey Keitel's there fucking someone with a beak nose mask.

And you just, and you look at him and you're like, hey, what's up? That would freak him out. He'd probably have an orgasm immediately. Be like, yeah. He's the guy. Harvey Keitel's the guy in the corner. He's going, you show up with a Harvey Keitel mask. and you show up with a Harvey Keitel mask.

Or show up dressed like in a vote for Pedro shirt with suspenders like Napoleon Dynamite and John. What's his name, John? Whatever his name is on the Napoleon Dynamite. He was John Heder. Yeah, John Heder, right?

And he's there. He's just like, gosh. Come on. Gosh. You're not even funny. Sweet. I show up with my vote for Pedro Maschwe. He's fucking.

Yeah. But, man, how funny it would be if I went to that party and then, like, somebody took a picture, though, for real, and then tweeted it. And then, like, they were like, Chris D'Elia goes to sex party just to watch. I would fucking own that shit, though. I hate all these fucking, like, all these politicians and shit. When they get caught, they're're like i'm so sorry no you're not dude don't be sorry just fucking be like you know what dude you know what i always dreamed of a politician getting caught and i don't i'm not even saying that this is right but

like getting caught fucking around with like hookers and having them be like not and hold a press conference and show up and be like, all right, listen, you know, I know a lot of people. I know a lot of people come up here and politicians, you know, when they get in some hot water, they come up and they apologize to everybody. I just want everybody to know that. And I want them to look in the camera and be like, I'm 100% not sorry. Honestly, I like fucking hookers, and they like what they do. They make money, and that's what's up. And I'm going to keep doing it, probably.

I don't want to come up here and tell you I'm not going to do it anymore. That's kind of my thing. I like having sex. I'm a guy. And I think that we're not going to get anywhere as a society unless somebody comes up here and owns who they are. So that's what I do. Vote for me. And then he walks in, he'll be like, you're probably going to impeach me. See ya. I know, I know. If it was me, I'd be like, I know, I know. Gagunk, gagunk. Turn around, turn around.

Step out. I get it. Oh, look, I get it. Gagunk, Makuta. But look, it's who I am. Look, I get it. Why is my nose facing the different... Why is my nose facing... I get it, but... Look! Motherfuckers.

That's what we do. I give them money. They go out and they go shopping and they like it. Do you know how much respect I would have for some fucking guy that did that? That guy would have my vote for the rest of time. I don't give a shit if all of a sudden he was like, you what fuck everyone who's six two and white with long hair i'd be like doesn't matter he said the thing vote for him uh i want to hear about it if you've ever been in one of those sex parties i'm talking about

with the cloak though and the dick nose. I'm not talking about, oh, yeah, I was at my buddy's house and we all started fucking, nah. I'm talking about you showed up, there was an invitation, you took like a Rolls Royce or some shit. It was in a big house you'd never been in with so much brown in it and wood fucking curvy furniture that looks so uncomfortable, big ass chandeliers. Anyway, let me know if you've been to a fuck party. Let me know if you've been to a fancy fuck party. The cash app is the number one finance app in the app store, probably because all of the babies have been switching and we're a cult and we are making it the number one cash app and if you haven't you killed it so let's get on board it's the best maybe it's

because it's the best way to pay people back though in all honesty friends family co-workers everyone truckers sending and receiving money is totally free and fast and most payments can be deposited directly to your bank account in seconds square cash Cash is cool because it doesn't have the feed. People don't know if you're paying someone back for sushi or something. I don't want that. I'm more of a private guy. That's why I would wear a mask at one of those parties. The new Cash Card is a black debit card that you can design yourself via the app.

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You want to get paid $5 and also give five dollars to charity you good person download the free cash app for ios or android now now guys i want to talk to you a little bit about something maybe you saw the instagram video i posted where i was saying you touch your top lip to your bottom lip or no it wasn't that one it was uh the one where I say shut the fuck up I was wearing a sweater with this uh company on it called tripping now it's called tripping now does that sound white as hell yeah it does tripping babies but did you know that the average family visits five totally different websites before booking a vacation rental. Look, I love traveling. I love doing it.

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knows how tripping is spelled unless you're five but if you're five don't listen to this podcast because i say fuck a lot and talk about sex parties ding ding ding ding i also talk about eating children's thighs sometimes yum not me i don't do. I just referred to somebody who did do it once. Yum. Dude, I got so much love for that fucking segment I did. I actually didn't think it was going to go over that well. I thought it was too much. Yum. But man, people have been tweeting me, yum, so much from the last episode. The thighs are the best part. Yum. I mean, come on, dude.

The best part are the thighs best part. Yum. I mean, come on, dude. The best part are the thighs and lips. Yum. I would love to eat children. Yum. I love eating children. Yum. Smiley face. Yum.

Anyway, throwback to a week ago for you guys. I fucking forgot what I was going to say, man. And I don't remember now. And I'm pissed off. I'm pissed off. I... Oh, you know what? I was watching this guy on... I can't remember how I saw...

I saw one of the funny guys tweeted this video about this guy who's like this greaser. What's he called? The man, man, man something, man something. Like not man hunter, but something like that. But like he's a greaser. He's not on Twitter.

He's got a YouTube channel. He's not on Twitter. He's got a YouTube channel. Anyway, he's this greaser, and he's talking about how the greaser lifestyle. It's really funny. Some of you guys probably know what I'm talking about. I don't know if he has that many followers. Anyway, he's talking about... I was thinking about this,

and then I saw this guy's videos, and then it kind of solidified it, and that's not that guy. He's talking about, like, how he hates posers that pretend like they're greasers when they don't really know about the greaser lifestyle. But he's also talking about how it has to be okay

for somebody to start being a greaser and you can't make fun of somebody who's trying because they will eventually become a greaser and they have to be given the leeway to practice and become one. So you're not opposed. But then he's talking about how you're a poser if you do that. But then also, that's him. What is his name?

I mean, get into a name. Cryptic Art. I don't know. Maybe that's another account. get into a name cryptic art i don't know maybe that's another account but anyway uh now one fire google cryptic art of course a bunch of cryptic art showed up now that's very stupid and that's why his name's one fire okay type obviously greaser cryptic art and it still doesn't come on fire even deeper. Anyway, this guy is hilarious.

So I've started thinking about how you literally, like people who talk about how they hate this, they hate that. Yeah, that's him. I mean, look at this guy he he talks about how he's like you know martial arts and now you've i mean the guy's a fucking great character study but um people who uh i wrote it down and then i saw this fucking shit but like people who think they're not away will talk about how they hate somebody is that way but they're really talking about themselves it's projection right like that's the most amazing thing i think to me it's the most amazing thing to be like dude I hate posers

who fucking think they're greasers and then you're you're that it's so funny to like project that and have it be like I don't want people to think that about me and I hate that but I'm the real deal

like that's just sad that's just sad. That's just sad. I don't know. There's something else I wanted to pertain to, and I wrote this, and I wrote this on the notes, and I don't even know what it means everyone wants what they say

they don't want i maybe it's just basic as shit i i you know when you're fucking talking about something or you think about something and you have a feeling that goes with that thought and you're like oh i feel a certain this thought makes me feel this certain way right and then a week later you'll think of the thought and it won't give you that feeling and then you're like it's just a thought you don't have the fucking passion or feeling behind it i fucking hate that dude i bet some of you know what i'm talking about right i hate that i want to always have the feeling that's associated with the thought. Otherwise, I feel like a goddamn robot. Yum.

And I'm not a robot. I'm a human being. So I don't know what the fuck I was feeling when I said that everyone says... What did I say? Everyone says they want... Everyone wants what they say they don't want. I'll think about that another episode and I'll have the feeling and I'll know what it is to talk about. But anyway, fuck, sorry I trailed off there. How about this fucking... How about this Logan Paul thing?

how about this Logan Paul thing? Dude, hey, you know what? Hey, Logan Paul, dude, that was really noble of you to take three weeks off. He made a video called The Return and he's like climbing out of rocks all dirty. It's like The Return and there's all this grand music and shit and he's just like, I'm backuckers he he he's he has a video called the return like he went away to do something noble he's like i'm back i took a hiatus sorry

everyone no you filmed someone who hung themselves hung themselves dude oh dude you took oh you took three weeks off oh dude you're such a good person man you're still a fucking dumb shit dude any any dude and how about he commented on cardi b's shit where cardi is like, they're trying to crucify me like Christ. And he wrote, lol, you're telling me. Hey, man, you're not sorry. Oh, you donated a million dollars to a fucking charity that deals with suicide prevention? Cool, man. You should have done that. You're still an asshole.

Money doesn't change. Who you are. When people, you know, it's like, I know we know this, but money doesn't change. Who you are. Say goodnight, Gracie. You deserve an ultimate slam. You deserve that grand slam

i mean come on dude what was this fucking guy thinking he's not 12 you're 23 or something oh you're back and all these fucking 12 year olds are just like he's back coming and shitting he's back mommy no you can't watch it yeah but who want to see him yeah but remember how sad you got when he filmed someone no i don't remember anything longer than six seconds who are you what's that mom i shitted then she starts to clean up the pants mom what are you doing you shit yourself i did yeah i remember what i remember six seconds i'm a goldfish hey mom what what huh you said what no you said hey mom oh don't member can't watch logan powell

sorry i shit oh let me clean it up clean what up your shit what shit look at your pants ew then he looks away for a little bit and then he says why does it smell like shit that's logan paul's fan base see ya i i talked about it so much but like that return video, like, come on, dude. You're not Christ. You're a guy named Logan. You know, you got two first names, you fuck nut. Logan Paul, you got two first names. Hey, man. You got two first names.

Can't trust a guy with two first names. It's weird, right? It would be great if somebody's name was like tom bill it's always like my buddy aaron paul's like that i trust him he's a good guy but oh oh tom bill that's your name, bro. What's another one that's not a last name? Steve. Vinny Steve. That's it.

Like, that's how dumb it is. Get a real last name like fucking Buttersworth or Smithers or fucking... You know what I mean? Anything. Anything that's like... What was mean? Anything, anything that's like, what was that? Oh, I never heard that one before. Oswalt.

That's a good one. Patton Oswalt's got a good last name. Uh, Oh, that's probably his middle name or some shit. So, but this is, by the way,

we're recording this on Sunday. It's Superbowl Sunday and I'm doing it during the game. Cause fuck it. So, but this is, by the way, we're recording this on Sunday. It's Super Bowl Sunday and I'm doing it during the game because fuck it. Oh, two teams are playing? Cool. Oh,

two teams are playing? Yeah, I'm 37. If you're on a team and you're over fucking 22, you're out. Take it off.

Be an individual. Oh, unless you're making a lot of money doing it. Then it's okay. Because then you're making money. Tom Brady, congratulations. Got the best life? Cool. Got the supermodel wife?

Nice. Got beautiful children? Great. You got to fucking put on a uniform to go make millions and millions of dollars? Do it. You won. You got precision QB of dollars? Do it. You won. You got precision QB? Great.

Do it. But you're 30? You put on shorts in the top to go play at the park? And other people are wearing the shorts in the top? See ya. Anyway. Yeah, so I don't, you know, bowl sunday is when we're recording this so i don't know who won but also what i do know is i don't give a fuck who wins i'm not gonna watch it

because it's now and uh you know fine watch it and shit but like when people are yelling at the tv anytime someone's yelling at the tv i gotta leave to leave the room. It's a TV, not a judge, you know? How about when that girl was like, you know what? It's my honor. It's my honor to lock you up, Larry Nassar. That's the guy's name, Larry Nassar? It's my honor. She almost got the case thrown out because she was just like, can't wait. Can't wait to see a rotten prison, you fucko. Can't wait. I hope guys fuck you in the butt so you know how it feels. See prison you fucko uh can't wait i hope guys fuck in the butt so you know how it feels see you fucko gunk with the gavel could could she look more like she works at fucking tgi fridays hey real quick could judge what's her name, Aqualina?

Ah, cool. You a superhero? Hi, I am Judge Aqualina, Avenger of Pedophiles. Okay. Hey, Judge Aqualina, dude, could you look like you work at TGI Fridays a little bit more? Hey, Judge Aquilina, good job locking him up. But real quick, bring me some mozzarella sticks. Dude, thanks for putting him away for 7,000 years, even though it doesn't matter.

You know what? You know what? It always bugged me when they're like, you will serve three life sentences back to back. Hey, can't. You're going to leave him life sentences back to back. Hey, can't. You're going to leave him in there after he dies? Nah. Can't. One life sentence.

That's all. That's it. That's the most. That's it. What are we, fucking cats? Nah. You live once. Oh, man.

Natalie Portman wore a Judge Aquilina fucking shirt on saturday night live gunk come on man i wish i was on that episode of snl because i would stand next to her and i would have a shirt that says looks like she works at tgi fridays that would be ultimate slam dude i'm all about slams man i am the son of the queen of the slammed and i am all about slams man you call me grand slam dude am i fucking daryl strawberry one time first met game i ever went to first baseball game i ever went to bases got loaded. Daryl strawberry hit a grand slam. Everyone screamed, jumped up.

I was fucking like six and I cried immediately because everyone dude, maybe that's where it comes from. Maybe that's why I hate when people scream at the TV because that was harrowing, man. I'm six years old. My dad took me to a met game. I don't know what's going on.

I'm eating a fucking hot dog and I'm with years old. My dad took me to a Met game. I don't know what's going on. I'm eating a fucking hot dog. And I'm with my grandfather. My grandpa Bam is Italian. And my dad and my uncle Vinny is Italian. And Daryl Strawberry, how'd he get that last name? Hit a grand slam. Everyone fucking jumps up. My popcorn and hot dog go flying, and I start crying hard immediately

because I'm six. It was my first baseball game. That's my origin story. Now I am a slam master, dude. And if I see some shit, dude, on SNL, I would fucking do that 100%. But Judge Aquilina definitely looks like she works at TGI Fridays. And that's what's up. And you can't.

You know what? You can say whatever you want. You can say how great of a person she is, and that's great. But she does look like that, and you goddamn know it. Go ahead. Be offended. But she does goddamn look like that. So my whole thing is, sure, give them seven sentences back to back.

But before you do that, and before you get a little too passionate about it because you're a judge, so don't be that passionate, just send them away. Before you do all that, you mind passing me some mozzarella sticks? mind passing me some mozzarella sticks do you mind refilling my mr. pib people love to fucking be good man people love to be good online and in front of people. Be good by yourself in your fucking house. Be good by yourself in your fucking house. Donate to charity. Don't tell anybody. Give a guy a ride home.

Tell no one. Don't give a guy a ride home and then fucking tell everyone you gave a guy a ride home. Then you secret piece of shit. What the fuck is that, dude? Oh, I'm angry. One fire just pulled up a fucking something called a snack stadium. You guessed it. It's a fucking dumbass tray that looks like a football stadium,

and it's got different things in each fucking compartment and field goals. If I went to a party and saw that, I'd shit on it. I'd piss on it and piss and shit on it. And they'd be like, what are you doing? You're ruining the snack stadium. And I'd be like, don't say that. Oh, shit. Don't call it that.

I'm pissing. Some guy commented, why is there only one dip? Hey, man, see ya. Eat the fucking, look at, you know what I don't like about it? Is they put all different snacks in all the different compartments. There's like how many compartments are there 30? Not quite almost. There's some things that should even be in there.

And the only reason that they're in there is because there's enough. There's too many compartments like fuck that shit. Don't art it up when it should be functional, dude. Fuck you, dude. You're going to put Mike and Ikes in a... Whoever ate a Mike and Ike? Whoever ate a fucking... What was the one that had good in it?

Good and plenty, dude. Whoever ate a good and plenty. Those are so bad. Dude, I had one good and plenty once. It ruined my fucking year that white and purple shit why is it minty or some i don't even know what it is i just remembered it was it was awful judge aquilina i sentence you to eat good and plenties and mike and ike's every day Good and Plenty's and Mike and Ike's every day.

Mike and Ike, you know? Good and Plenty's, though, are the worst. Good and Plenty. Mike and Ike's are fine now that I'm looking at them. I remember them. They're not that bad. Good and Plenty? What's up with the mm shit?

Why does a snack have to... Why can't it... Anything that's a snack, why can't it have the word end in it? Why has it got to be cute? I want that's a snack, why can't it have the word end in it? Why has it got to be cute? I want to make a snack and I want to call it, you know, say I come out with a snack and the guy's name is fucking Tim. Chris and Tim's. That's what they are. And if you say Chris and Tim's, you don't get any.

I sentence you to fucking four life sentences back to back dude that bugs me man you will be serving 475 years in jail that's five uh consecutive couldn't think of the word idiot consecutive life sentences oh yeah 475 years cool what the fuck is this altered carbon nah is this altered carbon nah did you guys watch all the carbon on netflix i watched two episodes and i don't know what i'm doing i don't get it i'm an idiot there's so much did everyone in that show so like talking so much and I'm just a moron great premise though I feel like it's one of those

shows in episode 5 I'll be like okay I get it and I'm in I love that actor Joel Kinnaman he's so dope he's one of those guys that all guys like I don't know what it is he's at the laugh factory once I saw like. I don't know what it is. He was at the Laugh Factory once. I saw him and I introduced myself.

He probably didn't. He's like, who's this fucking homeless guy? But he's cool. And he's jacked in that fucking show. He's puffed up, dude. That's a good last name. Kinnaman. What if his name was fucking Joel Paul, you know?

It wouldn't be as cool. He looks like a chick I dated once, too. You know what's funny is sometimes when guys are real hot, they'd make hot chicks. Did I just come out of the closet? But it's true though. Guys also have killer chick legs. You ever seen a fucking tranny with like guy legs are

hot as shit as chick legs. They look good in dresses, bro. I don't give a fuck what you think man uh they're not thick though like chicks you know you get that thick thicc i'm so sick of that shit yeah she thick oh man i don't know let's look at these fucking twitter questions huh we're looking at Twitter questions, baby. Looking at these Twitter questions, baby.

I don't understand why this is a question, to be honest. What do you care about more, the Super Bowl or Kylie Jenner having her baby? Oh, because she's having a baby? Is Kylie the one? Kendall, Kylie's the one with all the surgery, right? Yeah. Man, you could buy that, huh?

I don't care about either. Both. I probably care about the Super Bowl a little more. Or I guess I could say I care about Kylie Jenner having her baby less. That's from Glenn T.Y. Wagner at Childish Glenn Bino. Well, he said, I know, change it, and you're damn right, bro.

Yeah, I don't care about any of that shit. I don't care if anyone's having a baby. My mom will say shit like, you know, do you know Lauren Pigglesworth? And I'm like, what? You went to school with her. Oh, yeah? Yeah, her dad died and she's pregnant. That's what my mom tells me.

Who died and who's pregnant. Her dad died on her wedding day and she's pregnant. It's always about weddings, death, and more babies. Pregnant. It's always about weddings, death, and more babies. Do you know Lisa? Paul? No.

You went to school with her. Anyway, she got married and then got pregnant and then everybody died oh yeah yeah you know her you should send her something who is that you don't remember her no oh fine i'll just go fucking never talking ever again that's something that girls do oh fine i just won't ever say anything ever again in the world then uh here's another one just saw a guy pull out a brown leather wallet from his brown leather jacket. He looked in it like he was searching for a clit and it made me throw up a little bit.

All right, man. Well, Jeff, what's his name? At Mr. Jeffington. Ah, it's fucking... I mean, just saw a guy pull out a brown leather wallet from his brown leather jacket. Well, at least he matches, you know. Does he have blonde hair? Got to have blonde hair if you got.

Yeah, he's got. No? Is it? No. Yeah, you got to have blonde hair if you have a fucking brown leather jacket. Also, there's this thing going around. The woman is doing a yoga pose and her baby is sucking her tit i guess she's feeding her go right side up and let her feed you know

like uh you're doing naked yoga and yoga and your baby's sucking on your tit i guess she's killing two birds with one stone right right? I'm a busy mom. Look, I'm a busy mom. I need to do yoga and I need to feed my baby. So I'm going to go upside down. Suck my tit. Come get some food. Yeah. Oh, she does it a lot.

There's a bunch of pictures like that with her. I feel like I've seen it before. No? I don't know. I don't know if I have a fucked up Instagram. Okay. Should we do the elder that we're talking about? Okay.

I'm going to do an elder this week. And we haven't announced one in a while. And it's because I haven't noticed anyone really going above and beyond, you know, to spread the word of the cult. And our numbers are, you know, I wouldn't say they plateaued, but they've been holding. So I'm not threatening you guys or holding this over your head. But, like, you know, you get to be an elder if you do that and if you help and if you get other friends on board. I mean, dude, you know, we're the new, you know, we're not a religion. We're a cult. So we're trying to spread the word and you can be accepted into the congratulations cult if you're a true baby.

And you become an elder if you fucking go beyond and you do the work. And if you don't, you're not going to become an elder. I don't know what else to tell you. You know, I don't know what's the other guy. It's like, you know, this person I'm going to announce as an elder is honestly one of the reasons

why is because he is a huge fan of mine. And besides the fact that he obviously probably listens to this podcast every single time it drops, he is honestly, I've noticed through the years, a huge fan of Chris D'Elia. And I can tell because I influence him. And I can tell because he a lot of times comes to me for advice. I know this person. And he says, you know, what do I do? You know, he's a little older than me. Oh, he's a lot older than me.

He doesn't, you know, he's like, what do I do with my career? How do I get back on top? You know, I've helped this man. He's a good guy. And he listens to me. And it's helped him in many ways ways he's kind of had a resurgence in his career and i want to besides you know i don't want to say you're welcome because that's kind of pompous so i want to give him this pin of eldership and this certificate from congratulations.

His name is Brian Callen. And we're going to send him this. At Brian Callen, you can congratulate him. He is now an elder for the Congratulations Podcast, for always being a true baby and for absolutely listening to daddy because I'm his daddy and he is my son. And this is for Brian Callen, this right here,

this, this pin. So go look up Brian Callen. If you don't know who he is, you might not, but he's going to die soon. Cause he's fucking almost 60. And go congratulate him.

And we'll DM you with the details, Brian. That's about it on this episode of Congratulations. Now don't... Hey, guys, by the way, that was a secret slam. You know, I mean it. He's an elder. You know, I mean it. He's an elder. You know what's going on. Fucking queen of, son of the, queen of the slam is struck again.

The son of the, queen of the slam is struck again. Hey, Darryl Strawberry, I think, I see your grand slam and I raise you one. Okay, so, um, Square Cash. Have you guys switched yet?

Download the free Square Cash app. Enter reward codes. Enter rewards code. Congrats. And get $5. Give $5 to thetimesup.com. Who wrote this one, Fire? Download the free Square Cash app.

Enter rewards code congrats. Get $5 and give $5 to Time's Up. Get it for iOS or Android now. And I have my new tour being announced very soon in about a week. In about a week, I'm announcing my new tour. The first leg of my new tour. I'm going to hit some cities. But I'm going to hit a lot of the cities.

You guys can tell me where you want me to come, but I'm still going to get to them. I'm doing a lot of East Coast ones on the fall, just so you know. Winnipeg, Calgary, Saskatchewan, I'm coming this week. Cleveland, I'm coming in a few weeks. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Spread this word, man. I am not going to keep doing this if it doesn't get bigger. I'm not going to keep doing it.

It needs to build and build and build. Otherwise, I'm done uh download the chrystalia app you see some behind the scenes of this and you see all some other stuff go to the go to the app store and type in my name and new videos go up tuesdays or wednesdays man on fire are incorrigible watch that and uh thanks for listening guys by the way i have a movie coming out called Half Magic. And another one coming out called Life in a Year. So be on the lookout for that. Oh, and I'm on Alone Together this week.

Oh, you know what? I'm actually on The Good Doctor on Monday night. And then I'm on Alone Together on Wednesday night. Dude, you can't get me off your TV. Where the fuck am I? Kevin Hart? We'll see you next time. say goodnight, races. Congratulations. Congratulations. Oh, motherfucker. Congratulations, motherfucker.

Fuck you. You motherfucker. Motherfucker. You motherfucker. You motherfucker. Thank you.