Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 55. The Most Normal Man In The World

Episode Date: February 12, 2018

It's the 55th episode! On today's show, Chris tells a few stories from Canada. Also discussed: getaway sticks, the Gerald Stanley trial, old off the hook phone messages, "spirit animals", "hangry", the Olympics, curling, Black Panther, and how basmati rice is not good. We have a new elder today, and of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's BetterHelp.com. Yes. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol and select markets. See app for details. This episode of Congratulations is brought to you by the Cash App. Do you want to get paid $5 and also give $5 to charity? I think you probably do. You should. You want to buy and sell Bitcoin instantly or get your paycheck deposited right to the app? I think you should. It's 2018.

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You're making short rib burgers with a hoppy cheddar sauce on a pretzel bun. Blue Apron is treating my listeners to their first three meals at $30 value with your first order if you visit blueapron.com slash congrats. So check out this week's menu and get your $30 off with free shipping at blueapron.com slash congrats. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. What's up, guys? How are you? It is fucking February. Has it been February?

I don't know. What is the date, dude? It is the, it is February, yeah. We did want a show in February already. So whatever, you know. I just go by the, I fly by the seat of my pants, man. You think I give a fuck what day it is? Nah.

But let's take care of some business before we even start this fucking cult meeting. Follow the leader. My new tour. We announced the first leg on Instagram and Twitter and Splitsider announced it. Actually, they broke it first. And you can buy tickets. And I am going to – it's on presale now or tomorrow. And it goes on sale for the general public on Friday. And these are the cities for the first leg of the tour.

Tallahassee, Florida, Orlando, Florida, Charleston, South Carolina, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Dayton, Ohio, Huntsville, Alabama, Nashville, Tennessee, Denver, Colorado, and Boise, Idaho for some reason. So that's where we're going. First leg of the tour. I'm adding many cities. Everyone's saying, what about Chicago? What about Toronto? What about Ottawa? I'm coming.

I'm coming, motherfuckers. Daddy's coming to Seattle. Daddy's going to come everywhere. Don't worry, Vancouver. Don't worry, Austin, Texas. Don't worry, Dallas. We're going to come everywhere. Don't worry, Vancouver. Don't worry, Austin, Texas. Don't worry, Dallas. We're going to do it. So I see all your comments and thank you. And I'm going to, and I can't wait, man. All new material from Man on Fire. And it's a place for us babies to unite

and come together and enjoy. Enjoy the time or whatever the fuck. I don't know. Trailed off the sentence. But you guys, I was in Canada for a week, solid. You know when people say, man, I was there for a good week? I don't like when they add good for no reason. A week is a week.

If it was good or bad, it's the same amount of time. That, man, he was sitting there for a good 20 minutes before he said something. You know what? 20 minutes. Doesn't make it longer. You're trying to make it seem like it's longer by adding good to it. Wasn't longer. 20 minutes is 20 minutes, baby.

20 minutes is 20 minutes if you're just sitting there. And 20 minutes is 20 minutes if you're just sitting there. And 20 minutes is 20 minutes if you're playing fucking volleyball. It's it. Boy, he was there for a good hour and a half or just an hour and a half. You hadn't too many adjectives. Yeah. Turn around. So I was in Canada for a good week I was there from I went Monday

To I got back Sunday So not a good week so six days So completely lied to you babies But I was there I shot an episode of The Good Doctor and then I went to North

Battleford which Many of you guys don't know where that is because you're not Canadian, and even Canadians maybe not. It's way up there, man. It's like in the Northern Territory or some shit. And I was making fun of the place because, dude, how much artwork can you have with an eagle flying, having a trout in its talons. Dude, it's Canadian. The artwork, they can't, it's not artwork if there isn't. If you paint something in North Battleford, you have to also include an eagle with a trout in its talons.

Otherwise, it's not art. Swear to God. You draw a portrait of a fucking woman and people will be like, well, it's not art swear to god you draw a portrait of a fucking woman and people will be like well it's not recognized as art unless there's an eagle in the background carrying fucking a trout in its talons hey Canada we get it okay

but I was in North Battleford and first of all I got there and when of all, I got there, and when I got there, I got there a day early. Oh, my fuck, man. I mean, dude, these people have happy lives, and they're there, and it's great, and God bless them, really. And really nice people. And it's pretty, man. I mean, it's really pretty there.

The snow was so white i didn't i forgot how white snow is man i mean snow is whiter than fucking ryan seacrest dude it is blinding dude you just walk outside and it here's the other thing too oh man I have so many things I want to talk about look let me just start this off by saying if it's below 30 degrees now let's do 25 degrees now that's Fahrenheit because I'm American

I don't know what the fuck it is Celsius and I know Americans are the only ones who uses Fahrenheit and shit but whatever it is when I was going to North Battleford Americans are the only ones who uses Fahrenheit and shit, but whatever it is. When I was going to North Battleford, it was negative five degrees, okay? Now, of course, eat my cock. Naturally eat my cock, right? And I put it on Instagram and people were like, wait till you get to Calgary.

It's colder than that. And okay. And then when I put it on Calgary, it was like negative something. And then they were like, wait till you get to Winnipeg, which is, I guess, the coldest. Let me tell you something. If it's below 25 degrees Fahrenheit, it's the same amount of cold. I don't give a fuck if it's 20, because I was in Minneapolis. I had to connect in Minneapolis. Or if you were fucking Rob Gronkowski, Minneapolis, eh, fucking idiot. He said Minneapolis, dude. Rob Gronkowski said Minneapolis. He said,

freezy, freezy, Minneapolis. That's just stupid. The stupidest thing. Hey, man, you got some concussions, huh, bud? Take care of yourself. But it's cold. You don't say, oh, yeah, wait till you get to Winnipeg. It's all cold. You can't go outside. You go outside and 30 seconds, you're just like, like oh let me get the fuck inside 21 degree minneapolis was 21 degrees freezy freezy minneapolis was 21 degrees and it was too cold and i was i was and and and guess what north battleford dude when i went to winnipeg it was the biggest fuck you temperature of all time it was one degree yo fuck you you know one degree

it's bullshit because you got to change it from degrees to degree you don't say one degrees you know it's the biggest fuck you temperature hey what hey what's the what's the temperature one Hey, what's the temperature? One. Imagine. In Winnipeg, that's what it was. Hey, what's the temperature? It's one. It's one.

Yum. It is one degree. It is yum. It is one degree. Yum. Dude, that's fucking gross as shit. And so cold is cold. Now, I got to the show in North Battlefort.

Why did I go? And the opener, I show up and the opener is like, hey, man, so what's your name? And I'm like, oh, Chris D'Elia. And he was like, oh, cool. And I was like, first of all, know me first. In the comedy business, know me. First of all, I'm not – I mean there are so many people that don't know who I am. I'd like to think if you're a comedian, you know who I am.

Okay? That being said, even if that's not the truth, if you were hired to open for me, Google me. Okay? He literally came up and said, what's your name? This guy's a comedian. He's been a comedian for 20 something years. Now granted, he's a comedian in North Battleford. He's a comedian in

Saskatoon. Hey, change that name. Saskatoon. Is it a fucking cartoon? Hey, that sounds like a mascot. Hey, let's bring out the Saskatoon. Yeah.

Yes, it's called, yes, One Fire is typing out, is that how you say that? Yeah, that's how you say it, Saskatoon. Saskatchewan is the province or whatever. Saskatoon is the city. And One Fire continues to be one fire um anyway uh so he was like what's your name and i was like oh i'm chris to lee it was like oh cool and i was like all right cool and we were just chilling like hanging out and he was in the green room and shit and then he was like and then he asked me uh and then he was like so uh so what do you so no this is the first question he asked me

so what kind of music you listen to and i'm like i said i literally said what kind of music do i listen to and he said yeah like what do you do and i was like uh i don't know i kind of just chill and like i listen to hip-hop and he was like, Oh, and then he said, so what do you, so what's your show like? And I said, um, I just kind of go out there and tell jokes. You never saw my stuff. And he says, Oh, you're a comedian. And I said, yeah, you're opening for me, right? And he said, oh, I thought you were a musician or something. Google me.

I wasn't even offended. I don't get offended at that shit, but like the homework. He was like, oh, they just asked me to open. He was like, they literally just asked me, and I don't know. at that shit, but like the homework. He was like, oh, they just asked me to open. He was like, they literally just asked me. And I don't know. I did just ask me. I said, when did they ask you? He said, two days ago.

Ah, ah, had time. I said, oh, where are you from? He said, Saskatoon. Ah, that's two hours from here. Ah, Google it on the way. He was like, oh, you're a comedian? Oh, I'm going to stay and watch your show. Pay for it now.

Dude, and he was like, I'm sorry, man. I was like, dude, I don't give a fuck. Like, whatever. And then after the show, he's like, dude, I i've seen you i've seen you i've seen the drunk girl stuff and i was like okay it's like i'm sorry i don't i was like i don't give a fuck but like for your own sake know the business a little bit you know it was really funny i I mean, nice enough. The nicest shit. It wasn't malicious or anything. I liked the guy.

Yeah, and he was like, I've seen you. I've seen the drunk stuff, which means he was only Googling me during my show, which means, eh, it's disrespectful. Watch it. But it was funny.

And then so afterwards, so let me give you a little background about North Battleford. So battleford a lot of people in canada know about this i don't know if people in america or around the world know about this but they're going through something that's really um a dramatic thing uh uh so um a white a white guy shot an indigenous guy that broke into, apparently was on his property or broke into his house or something like that. But the white guy shot the indigenous guy in his head. So they had a whole, they had the, what do you call it the the trial during the time i was there like the week of that time and so you know the a lot of people are saying well he shot him in the head it wasn't self-defense it sounds a little iffy it sounds fucking shitty it sounds like he just

killed the guy and then a lot of people are saying well he was on his property and this and that he was threatening him so you know the law is you can shoot the guy. I don't really know much about the case. So don't fucking bombard me with facts about it. I'm simply giving you a little background so I can tell you the story when I got, when I, what happened with me when I was there. I don't know what's right and what's wrong in this case. I didn't really look it up because I'm an idiot. All right. But when I got back to the hotel after the fucking show, I get there, and the manager was like, oh, hey, can I talk to you for a second? And I was like, sure.

By the way, this is what this place is like. Think Twin Peaks, okay? That's what it's like. You've got people, they're so friendly, but it's also S super weird, because it gets dark at three three and the sun comes out at noon there's three hours of daylight man you can't there's nothing they're like i was like is there a coffee somewhere and they're like oh we could make some for you like is there a starbucks somewhere oh there's a there's a tim hortons down the service road hey man if you're saying

service road to me it's too far the fuck are you plopping down settling off a service road walk it over hey use your getaway sticks and park it in Saskatoon. I heard a girl call her legs getaway sticks the other day. And I fucking wanted to sit on a dildo. Getaway sticks. I wanted to sit on a dildo so something else was happening. She was calling out people on Me Too. She was like, look, if a guy's sexually assaulting you, I'm going to use my getaway sticks and leave the situation.

I almost drove directly to a sex shop, bought a dildo, drove home, parked it on my fucking chair and bounced up and down on it. So I didn't have to think about someone saying getaway sticks non-ironically so i fucking get back to the hotel it's like a 50 second walk from the casino to the hotel i'm frozen because it's one. All right. It's actually less than one, but one. I was saying it again because it's funny. Okay. So I get back to the hotel and the guy says, oh, so, hey, can I talk to you for a second?

And I said, sure. What's up? And he comes up real close to me. Like I'm talking about, if he was any closer, he'd be me. All right? And he talks to me, and his breath was good as fuck. I feel like when you get north, those motherfuckers probably, I know, honestly, in northern territory, I guarantee those bearded, like, nice fucking pasty white motherfuckers, I bet honestly in northern territory i guarantee those bearded like nice fucking pasty white motherfuckers i bet they have good as shit breath and this guy did

he was the beginning of it so he comes up to me and he says do you know what's going on around uh north battleford right now and i was like yeah i i know a little bit, but he says, okay, so, uh, you know about the trial and, uh, what happened and how the guy got shot? Yeah. And I said, I do know. Yeah. Yeah. So it's a crazy time, huh? He said, okay, so the trial's going on and, um, just to let you know, nothing is, it's all good, but the jurors on the trial are on your floor and they're staying on your that it's very racist and there will definitely be death threats to the, I mean, he didn't say this part, but I mean, like, what am I in a fucking John Cusack movie? Oh, I'm John. So I looked at him and I went, oh, I'm John Cusack. movie oh i'm just so i looked at him and i went oh i'm john cusack like i'm all of a sudden i did a show for some fucking guys for 400 people at a casino and now all of a sudden i'm in a gene hackman movie

dude this is how gene gene hackman picks a movie hey gene hackman's agent hey gene hey how's it going hey uh so they want you to do another movie oh cool is it about a juror is it about a jury uh no it's not if you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again message c. Remember that shit? Dude, you remember that shit? When you used to leave the phone off the hook for too long? Eng, eng, eng, eng, eng. Millennials don't know this shit, barely. But it's like, well, I mean, I'm a millennial, I guess. But like, fucking right before me, dude, with no cell phones, you'd hang up the phone and you'd leave it off the hook.

And all of a sudden it would go, so you knew it was off the hook. And then you pick it up. And if you left it, it would go, message C25. Please hang up or some shit. You remember that fucking shit who was that guy message c25 so now i'm in a fucking twin peaks lodge and the juror for the trial of the century in north battleford the jury is there and i'm like i'm gonna get fucking murdered dude anyway it didn't happen and oh and then the guy says

oh by the way uh when are you leaving tomorrow and i said uh oh really early and he said oh okay i going to ask you if you wanted to go ice fishing. Ha ha. Snorthern. I said, oh yeah. He said, yeah, I wanted to see if you wanted to go ice fishing. It gets warm in there. Huh? I said, what? And he said, it gets super warm in the cabin there in that little shed. You put on a fire and you just sit there and ice fish. It's T-shirt weather. Ah, snorthern. Hey, man, are you a penguin?

Hey, dude, real quick, are you Santa? Hey, I got a quick quest for you. Are you three feet tall? The fuck are you doing up here? Use your getaway sticks. I was like, pardon me, honestly, and I know you know me, babies. I know you know, oh, dude, you probably would never go ice fishing. I swear to God, if I was there a full day, I would have went.

That's so weird, and it's so not me. probably would never go ice fishing. I swear to God, if I was there a full day, I would have went. That's so weird. And it's so not me. I would have had to go. And then he was showing me pictures. He was like, oh, check out these pictures, huh? Look, look, I want to show you what I caught last time. And then he pulls up picture. I swear to God, it's a chick with her cleavage out.

And he was like, oh, that's the wrong picture. And I was like, I don't, he, by the way, wasn't embarrassed at all. Well, he wasn't embarrassed at all. But just to make sure, I just said, ah, by the way, wasn't embarrassed at all. Well, he wasn't embarrassed at all, but just to make sure, I just said, ah, that's cool, I got those pictures too, man. Oh yeah, anyway,

and he kept swiping, swiping, swiping. Hey dude, what kind of fucking sociopath picks up their phone to show you the pictures and doesn't hide it first and get to the picture and then show you.

You know all the fucking crazy screenshots and screen grabs I got in my fucking photo deck? Dude, I got pictures of like crazy shit. Taking pictures of my fucking taint, you know, sending them to Brian Callen. Come on. And this guy, oh, oh, I'm sorry, wrong picture. Just some fucking titties out. There's the fish. Hey, you know what he is, honestly?

The most normal man in the world. That's who he was. You know what he is, honestly? The most normal man in the world. That's who he was. You know how they had that fucking, he's the most interesting man in the world. He fucked Jack Bauer when he was 12 on the fucking Dos Equis shit. This guy's the most normal man in the world. He'll pull up his camera roll and it'll show you, you'll see the pictures that he asked to be sent from a girl in Saskatoon, and swipe right by it and show you his fucking ice fish he caught. He's the most normal man in the world, in a good way.

He's got a family. He lives happily. way. He's got a family. He lives happily. He warns you about a jury staying on the fourth floor. He warns you. He's a good guy. He'll make you coffee if you need it. He's the most normal man in the world. He wore, guess what he wore? A blue button down and khakis. That's what he wore. Of course he did. The nicest guy in the world.

I wanted to hang out with that motherfucker. I would have went ice fishing with him for sure. Anyway, so I got through that. Did the show. It was a little weird it was all set up like a wedding fucking banquet it was fine i did i think they had a good time i had a i had a fine time it was good i kind of just trailed off and did what i did did what i do sometimes but and then uh on the show and then i went to calgary again i went to the same spot did two shows this time did one show last time that I'm coming. Uh, I want the world to know and make it.

So I'm coming up. Yeah. Um, I could ask him how he wants each cut of his body to be done and label it for him with a black marker. Yum. Oh. Hell. We live in hell, dude.

This is from episode, a throwback from two episodes ago when i was talking about the episode in sword and scale when the fucking kid when when the guys are talking about eating children this is what the guy says i could ask him how he wants each cut of his body to be done and label it for him with a black marker yum i mean, dude. I could ask him to, how he wants to be label each of his body part, and how he wants to be done. Yum. Yum.

Oh, babies. Oh, babies. Oh, babies. You guys, here we go. Square Oh, babies. Oh, babies. You guys, here we go. Square Cash. Look, if you haven't heard, we're switching to the Cash app. It's the simplest way to pay people back. Friends, family, very thoughtful wedding guests, anyone really. Sending and receiving money is totally free and fast,

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I use it. I've switched over to it. I use the Cash App for mostly everything and I like using it. And when somebody doesn't have it, I make them get it because I'm stalling and then it's easier to just like pay people back. You go to dinner with friends and then afterwards you say, oh, let me just cash up you the money for the sushi uh it's great download the free cash app for iOS or Android now look you heard about quip you have if you're a baby if you're a person with a mouth which you are unless you're neo in that scene in the matrix

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the Calgary show, and then I did the Winnipeg shows. And I came back, and I have never been so happy to come back from the road. It was just too cold. I don't know how they do it, man. I don't know how they do it, man. I don't know how they do it. It's so cold. It's so cold. But they do it.

And they love it. Maybe it's better that way. Follow the leader tour. Go get your tickets. I just love L.A. I love L.A. because of the weather. Some people, I get it. I get it why you don't like, I get why people don't like Los Angeles. But it's just, it's just how it is.

Every time when I was on the flight i tell you what man every time i sat down to eat in canada whatever i don't know what it is maybe it was just where i was every meal was like and on the side basamati rice and i flew home chicken basamati rice sucks it's not good i ate it everywhere i ate it in uh winnipeg i ate it in everything was with basamati rice it's just regular rice i don't i'm not into basamati rice dude um i order sometimes two meals because i don't know what I want. When I'm at a restaurant, sometimes I order two meals. And also, let me tell you something. Most portions aren't enough.

Like we've talked about this already on this show. I have. Like when people are like, oh, how much? I can't remember. It was like a clip that I put out there. It was like, how much did you make? But like, dude, most of it's like I sometimes't remember. It was like a clip that I put out there. It was like, how much did you make? But like, dude, most of it's like, sometimes I order two. Like when I was in Vancouver, I go to this place.

I got the salmon rice bowl, and I would get the pasta. And I would eat that shit. And here's something don't ever do, waiter. If you order two meals, say this. Oh, you're hungry, huh? you're calling me a fat fuck that's what you're doing i don't need to have any kind of cordial oh yeah how well what am i going to say to that yeah uh-huh hey go get it oh you're hungry? Or when you eat and then you're done and you eat quick and they're like, oh, you didn't like it, huh? Yeah?

Take this plate in the fucking kitchen. Oh, you were hungry, huh? Yeah. That's why I'm at a goddamn restaurant. What's this plate still doing in front of me? I don't like when waiters do that shit. If I was a waiter, I would act purposely more like a robot. Because that's how it should be.

Hello. How would you like your meal? Hello. I am here to help you. Yum. Then they'd order. Whatever they order, I'd say, yum, I'll be right back with your order. And then I would be like, hello, can I take your order?

And they'd be like, yeah, sure, I'll get meatloaf. And I'll say, that is beautiful. It comes with a basmati rice. Yum. Would you like anything else? And they'd be like, yeah, a Coke Beautiful, we have Pepsi instead Would you like Pepsi? Or would you like water? Would you like water as well? Yes, yum Would you like And then they'd be like

What would you like? And then they would say I could ask him how he wants each cut of his body to be done and label it for him. No, that's what I would do. In the back in the kitchen, I'd be like, they're ordering food. And they would say, what would they like? No, they would say, because they wouldn't be a robot. I'd be a robot.

I'd be like, I'll take table nine. And they'd say, okay, cool. And they'll be like, I'll go get their order right now. And then they'd say, oh, sounds good. Thanks for taking the table. And then I'd say, yum. No. Yeah, that order.

I wasn't ready for that. I'm going to go take their order. And then they'd say, oh, cool. And then I'd say. And then they'd say, oh, cool. And then I'd say... I could ask him how he wants each cut of his body to be done and label it for him with a black marker. Yum.

And then they'd say, you're fired. Would you like me to take the able-dine? Yeah, sure. That sounds good. Great. Would you like me to take table nine? Yeah, sure. That sounds good. Great. I could ask him how he wants each cut of his body to be done and label it for him with a black marker. Yum.

I'm going to talk to the manager. Wait. That's my favorite part. I could ask him how he wants each cut of his body to be done that's my besides the body to be done i could ask him how he wants each part of his body to be done that's my favorite part besides the yum for him with a black marker um i mean black marker you know i don't need to be so specific just say write it on it um yeah but i don't like when when waiters do that shit i have a part of my act where i talk about how i what about waiters so i don't want to get too into it you got to come see the

follow the leader tour um yeah it's actually hard not it's hard to not burn material on here when you're when you're doing a podcast but i do come up with a lot of material on the podcast. Well, not a lot, but some of it. Like I talk about Australia in my new act. And I talked a little bit about that here. Oh, first. But anyway. How about hangry?

No. You don't say hangry, you say hungry. That's it. Dude, you know what happened? First of all, here's another thing too. I don't know. When people talk about spirit animals,

hey, no. You know how many people, how many fucking like 16-year-old girls say like, oh, he's my spirit animal. Not about me, but like, I mean, they do that on me sometimes. But like, just like, oh, my spirit animal. John Mayer is my spirit animal. No, John Mayer is John Mayer.

There's no such thing as a spirit animal. There's an animal. And guess what? There's no such things about fucking spirits. There's no such thing as a spirit.'s an animal that's it um i i don't you know what actually also is like that this is what happens so much this is what happens uh uh to me a lot people will say oh you're literally me you have this we have the exact same sense of humor uh yeah not really you know why because you're probably not that funny

and you don't have to think i'm funny but it's what i do for living yeah you know i don't mean to sound elitist but that's like me going up to elon musk and saying oh dude we build rockets the same way say yeah oh did you ever build a rocket though, but I'm just talking about the way I would build rockets, though. Fucking just like you. We have the same sense of humor. It's not the same because it's a little tricky because the sense of humor. You can have a sense of humor without being a stand-up comedian. I get it.

But, like, oh, we have the same sense of humor. Really? Probably not. Really? Would you talk about robots fucking? Nah. Nah. not really would you talk about robots fucking nah nah you wouldn't talk about robots fucking in front of thousands of people no really you don't have the same sense humor um how about that rocket launch dude i mean elon musk first of all his name is elon. Hey, he's Batman. And that guy fucking launched a rocket and put a Tesla out orbiting the Earth.

That's like already, that was the most classic picture. Like that's the craziest classic picture. And the shit orbited the Earth. His Tesla. Sick at branding. And the shit orbited the Earth. His Tesla. It's a good branding.

It's funny, though, because the car was just like floating around. It wasn't really like... Like it had a space suit on. You know? So cocked to put your fucking car out in the... Heading to Mars. And then what? Going to crash into Mars. And it's not Going to crash into Mars. And it's not going to be able

to drive. Aliens are going to be like, what is it? Is Matt Damon on that fucking thing? What is that, Tesla? Shrinking it all the way down to size. Bring it.

And then, but, yeah, that's crazy to fucking have a rocket launch. Elon Musk, how about, did you guys see the thing where it was like, where like now, of course, negative shit's coming out about Elon Musk because it has to because he's gotten too big? I hate that shit, dude. And they're just looking for shit. And some guy was like retweeting this fucking thing about this lady wrote how she was like his starter wife and he was like she told me on he told me while in our first dance at our wedding he was like just so you know i'm the alpha in this relationship and this and that and that and this and somebody was like hey this is a totally

weird fucking thing for a guy to say and it first wedding, on his first dance at his wedding. And, yeah, that is a weird thing to say. But also, hey, chick, you didn't know this already? You're a fucking moron. You didn't know that this is the kind of guy he was? And then they were like, oh, yeah, but that's typical of South African culture. And it's like, dude, you didn't know who you were marrying? Dude, let me tell you something, man.

When I'm in a relationship with someone, I'm the fucking alpha. And she knows it immediately. I'm not fucking telling him on our... It's very weird that he told her that on the wedding day. But also, know that. You're with a guy that builds fucking rockets and shoots them to Mars. The fuck? You don't think he's an alpha? And then she was like, yeah, well, I would say, I'm your wife, not your employee.

She would say that all the time to him because she was turning him into an employee. And i would say i'm your wife not your employee like she would say that all the time to him because she was turning like an employee and he was said oh i know if you were my employee i'd fire you ultimate slam dude that's a grand slam he fucking knocked that shit out of the park granted shithead for saying it if it happened but dude that's hilarious i want i would say that in a jokey way though um yeah dude how about the way this rocket landed you know that's fucking baller shit um gosh elon musk his husband material someone i saw someone on the other line online the other day that said oh i have a crush on fucking Megan Fox. No shit.

Oh, the fucking billionaire that shoots rockets into the fucking, into Mars? Dude, I was in, when I was in Canada, they, they, they, nonstop curling. Nonstop curling. You know what curling is? I'm going to talk about curling in a little bit. I've got to do this. Beachbody On Demand is an online fitness streaming service that gives you unlimited access to a wide variety of highly effective world-class workouts personalized to meet your needs. variety of highly effective world-class workouts personalized to meet your needs.

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So to get your free trial set, go to harrys.com slash congrats. Right now, that's harrys.com slash congrats. We used it on Juan Fire's head too, and it worked. He loved it. He worked. Juan Fire loves his close shave. But what was I saying I was going to talk about before I? Oh, curling. Thanks.

One higher. So I did... I sat and I watched curling. And guess what? I don't get it. You know why? Because you're sliding fucking things around the ice. And it's a game where you try to...

They have it at bars, like the mini version where you just fucking... I don't know what they call it, but it's like game where you try to they have it at bars like the mini version where you just fucking what are they i don't know what they call it but it's like uh where they put the sawdust down shuffle what puck shuffle puck one higher and uh but yeah man they do it on ice and these guys do it and they let the thing go the the fucking little disc, and then they sweep in front of it to let it go faster or something. And the interesting thing about it is it fucking sucks fat donkey dicks. That's the interesting thing about it. And it's a huge Canadian thing that Canadians love. And there is strategy. There is a certain level of skill level. But the interesting thing about it is that it sucks enormous

donkey dicks. Now that's the interesting thing about it. So, you know, a lot of guys who do it are Canadian. Pasty white. Same. There you go. There's that guy. He's fucking completely pasty white. And it looks like they're basically when

the little puck thing, whatever you call it, is going. and it looks like they're basically when the when the little puck thing whatever you call it uh is going and it looks like they're just trying to clean up before they it gets there like they use brooms and they and they fucking sweep like i just every time i look at that i just think do it beforehand but there's like little snow pellets on there or whatever the fuck. And they're so serious doing it. Like nobody's laughing when they're playing curling, which sucks. If you're playing a game, smile and laugh because it's a game, not life. You know, there's a shirt out there that says curling is life, you know, and I'll fucking use it to wipe my asshole with it. I'll go out and buy it, take a fucking huge dump, use it to wipe my asshole with it i'll go out and buy it take a fucking huge dump use it to wipe my asshole

with it then wear the shirt around town and people be like oh what the fuck's that and i'd say shit and they'd be like why i say oh because the most interesting about the thing about curling is it sucks about donkey dicks um yeah i don't i don't get it you know, I don't get a lot of support, so I'm not the guy, right? I'm not the guy. I'm not the demo there. I mean, look, I just, One Fire pulled up a shirt that says The Good Life, and then the three images under The Good Life is one guy's curling, and then it shows a beer mug, and then it shows a guy fucking a girl doggy style.

Hey, not the time. Imagine wearing that shirt out. Imagine wearing that shirt during the day, like going to pick up shit at your P.O. box. Just fucking the good life. Oh, you like curling, drinking beer, and fucking doggy style? One of those things sucks. It's the curling. Fucking doggy style is cool. beer's cool if you like beer i saw a guy online that was talking about he was so passionate about he was like i saw game of

thrones and i loved game of thrones and now I've learned that uh the writers from Game of Thrones are going to uh the writers from Game of Thrones are going to start working on the uh the Star Wars next Star Wars movies right isn't that right one higher and um and uh dude they were like but then I realized that these guys were two straight cis white guys. And I would love it if went to explore the, you know, he's like black Panther came out. I would love to explore,

you know, and it was great for African culture. And I would love to, um, it have like, you know, writers of color or something, you know, not white guys writing the next installments to the star wars um uh movies because uh i wanted to see explore that the

african-american per se the african-american culture in star wars movies and shit like that in Star Wars movies and shit like that. Now, guess what? This guy was a white guy saying this. And it's like, what the fuck are you talking about, man? Hey, man, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? They got writers to write the show. Fucking write it.

There's going to be white guys, black guys. There's going to be Indian guys and Asian guys. And there's also going to be fucking aliens in the movie, okay? Just stop this fucking guy. Stop. The thing about the online shit is, it's like you're just trying to look like a good person, dude. You don't really give a fuck. You don't really give a fuck if you're just saying,

hey, we need to give more jobs to whatever, Asians and Latinos online. If you're just tweeting it, you're not really doing shit. You're just trying to look like a good person and get some pussy you fucking bitch you know you beta the fuck dude do something about it then man also it's a star wars movie what i love how people are talking about how now i didn't see it so i could be completely off about this but people are like oh man it's so awesome black panther is showing african culture

and it's like we're talking about the movie where the guy transforms into a panther right uh and they're like it's like a thing that everyone's talking about and then I'm like hey what about the movie Hidden Figures nobody said anything about how I'm so confused about this whole thing man I don't even know how to talk about it like

I don't even know I honestly don't even know how to talk about it I gotta I do I can't wait I am gonna see Black Panther this week though because it has 75 characters on it they were talking about it on the news the other day in Canada about how like uh about how um it's it showed African culture and shit like that and then the clips they were showing was a guy shooting laser beams at another guy and it was just like hilarious I was like well this movie is great because it shows African culture and the clip they were showing was a guy transforming into a panther-ish type being and then shooting laser beams.

Hey, reach in. Also was definitely a white person saying it. These people, man. You know? He was throwing, like, ball discs at cars that cars that like blew the cars up and shit this movie really really shows how great african culture is and then the guy flying through the air shoots glowing discs at vehicles that blow up shoots glowing discs at vehicles that blow up.

I don't know. I didn't see the movie. I mean, I didn't see the movie, so I'm definitely talking out of turn. But how ripped is fucking Michael Basketball Jordan? Michael B. Jordan, dude. Somebody called him Michael is the b for basketball that like years ago that shit killed me i can't remember who it was um uh anyway what about the fucking hush me thing you see that thing that i posted on on the internet yeah you did on the uh on the internet uh on uh on uh

on uh instagram it's called this device will keep your phone calls totally private and then you put that bane fucking thing over your mouth there's a device where you can put it over your mouth it's called the hush me and while you're talking on the phone, you can talk, and it doesn't, and it muffles the sound. So you can be in public talking. This thing looks fucking ridiculous. We'll put it on the video podcast. And this guy's talking with, imagine having this thing. You've got to look at it.

You look like a fucking stormtrooper that isn't ready yet, that, like, just got out of the shower and is getting ready for the night. And you put it over your mouth, and you're still going to put the earphones in. I mean, how many fucking accessories do you need above your neck? God damn it. What if you have a hat on and earrings too? And, and, and here's, they got two modes, one mode, which is the hush me mode, which it, it, it muffles your sound.

And then they have another mode that plays music out of the speaker while you're talking. So people hear the music and not what you're saying. Oh, Hey, if you need to take a phone call that bad and you're in public, go away. Walk away. You know what? Use your getaway sticks and fucking walk over near a tree. God damn it. I mean, come on dude what the fuck you they spent fucking millions probably

making this stupid well definitely making this stupid fucking thing if i saw a guy wearing that i'd go up and start talking on my phone really loudly. Fuck him. Hush Me has two modes, active and passive mode. I like the mode where you throw it in the trash. That's the third mode. Third mode, with passive mode, Hush Me muffles speech. Okay.

The decibels are reduced from 60 decibels to 30 decibels. Not that much. Just talk quieter. People talk loud as shit. In active mode, speakers will play sounds that mask your speech. What are the sounds? I'd love it if it was hardcore porn. Just like, oh, yeah.

That was the fucking, that's my favorite noise in porn is when the girl has to let out how good it feels but like just like swallowed and wasn't ready and and it's just like oh yeah that's my favorite that's my favorite that's so funny to me like oh yeah that's my favorite one time i was at starbucks and i opened up my fucking laptop and porn was on and it was and it just goes oh yeah and i closed it right back up and left whatever bro you know what i didn't give a fuck you know why Because he's the most normal man in the world. Then I asked everybody to go ice fishing. But, yeah, I mean, hush me. Come on, man. Hey, invent.

Hey, hey, cure cancer. Fucking hush me voice silencer. People talk loud, dude. People talk too loud, man just some girl came up to me i was in a restaurant in the fucking minneapolis freezy freezy minneapolis airport and this girl comes up to me i'm just by myself and she says are you chris delia so loud and i said yeah and she said oh man i'm a huge. And now everyone's looking over. And here's the part where people look and are like, oh, yeah, it's that guy. Some people are like, oh, fuck that guy.

And then some people don't even know who I am. So that's embarrassing. And she's like, oh, can I get a picture? And now how about now other people who are fans look over and see, oh, yeah, that is Chris Lea. And then they want fucking pictures. And then more people came up. I get it. It's the price.

But also, just talk quieter. It's like the fucking Austin Powers shit where he can't control the volume of his mouth. I've done it to people before where I'm like, oh yeah, but you're too loud though. I say that. And they don't know what to do because I sound nice. Oh yeah, but you're too loud though. I say that. And they don't know what to do because I sound nice. Oh yeah, but you're too loud.

Oh, yes, yes, but you're too loud. And then some people are quiet as shit. And they've come up to me and I say, what are you saying? You got to talk louder. Otherwise, I can't hear you. Come on. Let's go.

Let's go. You're a fucking person. Let's do it. Come on, how loud you gotta be, this is too loud, this is too soft, get in the fucking middle, hey, hey, come on, what do you want, what's up, do you mind if I get a picture, sure, you're holding your phone, no, where is it, oh, it's in your bag, cool, I'll just wait here like a fucko while you go dig for it in your bag, turn it on camera, and then look for somebody to take your picture hey

in person how about when people this happens sometimes when you're walking across the street and they're walking across the street towards you and they say oh Chris D'Elia can I get a picture you gotta come you gotta come you gotta come on my side.

What are we doing? We taking a picture in the middle of the street? Are you coming back to my side? Or am I going back to where I came from? One time a girl goes like this. Oh, while it's happening, we're both doing it like this, walking this way to each other. And she's, oh, Chris D'Elia, can I get a picture? I say, sure. You coming to my side? And she goes, oh, and keeps walking. Hey, you fucking asshole. I'm not worth it then don't fucking ask use your fucking brain it's located four feet above

your getaway sticks and walk with me people ask for pictures in their phones not charged ah you know it is what it is. And also, also, I want you to know if you do ask for a picture, I do love you and I do appreciate the fucking support. I really do. I really do. Every person who ever listened to my comedy or ever listened to the podcast or ever fucking told their friend about me that shit man you guys are fucking awesome you know do a lot of jokes and shit up here and i fuck around and i i'm silly all the time um but that shit means a lot man i love it i love it it's fucking cool as shit it really is

being a comedian that tours and has and people show up like i i think about all the time how lucky and fortunate i am and how fucking cool it is and it just makes me want to work harder and fucking reach more people and you know i'm doing another tour now it's just fucking i try to get to the cities i go to the city dude i go to the cities i don't want to go to man i do that because i want to fucking i want to i i i know there's people there that fucking you know asking me to come and so like i'm going to boise i i'm going to boise dude i don't i never wanted to go to boise no knock on boise i'm sure it's fucking great shit i just like i i'm going because look i'm going because i i could have went somewhere else but i want to go there

because i've never been there and i know there's people there that want to see me. And I like to do that. I like. And I do that. And yes, I'm making money and this is my job. But I do that so I can fucking. Because I want to reach. I want the people that want to see me to come see me there too. Uh, anyway,

um, that's what's up. Uh, what is this here? This thing? Is that funny? Uh, all right.

Chin, Twitter questions. Chin from Taiwan at chin from Taiwan. It's a funny name. Uh, there is so much going on here. The name of the crime is the mugshot. City of Moulton Police Department.

Five, nine, Barry Larry Terry. Jeez, that's his name? I mean, he has three first names. Unlawful possession of a wild raccoon. No headlamp on bicycle. And the guy's face. Does he have shoulders or does his neck just keep going? We got to show this on the video podcast. This guy was arrested for unlawful possession of a wild raccoon. Wow.

Wow. Oh, let's do an elder. Before we finish that, we have an elder, right? Elder. We've got a new elder. We have last one. Last elder we had. I think I'm going to go do his podcast soon. Brian Callen. I'm going to give him his pin. He's an elder.

I'm going to personally give it to him. So thanks. Thanks, Brian Callen, for being such a good listener for our podcast. But this is the next elder. And man or woman? It's a guy i think taylor p at tlp 3424 crazy change it um went back through episodes to compile this this is why he he he has it because he went back he went back through episodes to compile a comprehensive list of all things CUDA. And you can check him out.

But we will DM you the details. You are an elder now. And you're invited to the log cabin when we get it. Also, we're going to let another person that supports me tremendously, that is a great guy and loves my podcast and loves my comedy

and looks up to me, Brendan Schaub, becomes an elder today. So I'm going to give him his pin too when I go do the Fighter and the Kid next time. Brian Callen and Brendan Shaw. You can congratulate Brendan Shaw for becoming an elder for congratulations.

So anyway, what else we got here? So here's a good question. Valerie Smith at C crow lady, Cecropia lady. Fuck is that? I don't know. Anyway, what clothes did you bring to Canada in anticipation of the weather there? So I wanted to bring my heaviest jacket, but I didn't. I just brought a hoodie. I brought a real fucking spicy hoodie that had a fucking camouflage on it.

It was a champion hoodie hoodie and it was spicy as shit. And I wore it the whole time. And it's probably very dirty, but whatever. I don't really smell all that bad. I never really smell bad. But the fucking – so I brought this spicy as shit hoodie, dude. I was lighting it up, walking everywhere. The snow was melting.

It was so goddamn spicy. And then I had this fucking aviator jack aviator jacket or whatever the fuck they call them and on top of it now i rarely went outside because i'm not gonna go my mom was like bring a scarf bring mittens bring earmuffs i'm like mom i'm not gonna go outside i'm not fucking gonna do all the shit you know bring boots bring socks you gotta double up make sure you wear two pants no i'm I'm just going to, but I walked a minute. I was outside for, at the most I was outside, it was maybe a minute. And it was right at the time where you start getting pissed off. So I brought that and pants and that's it. And my Jordans. That's about it. Moon Dog, at I am the Moon Dog. Hey, at Crystalia, what are your thoughts on dog at, I am the moon dog. Hey,

at Chris, Leah, what are your thoughts on dog shows? I mean, this guy's called moon dog. This guy fucking loves dog shows, obviously, or maybe not.

But, uh, what are my thoughts on dog shows? I mean, it's the richest, whitest fucking stupidest shit in the world. You got a dog. It looks fine.

Guess what? It's either cute or not. That's it. It's a dog. Pedigree is a beautiful, cool. Give's a dog. Pedigree? Is it beautiful? Cool. Give it a treat. Put it on a goddamn leash. Don't walk it around like a fucking asshole

in a field where people are clapping. And guess what? Those fucking African dogs? They're all ugly. Take that out of the category. Poodles with it all fucking done nice? Get the fuck out of the category. Poodles with it all fucking done nice? The fuck out of here. So gross.

Some of those fucking... Or, you know, a lot of people think, oh, yeah, what are those fucking Frenchie fucking with the smashed in faces? I can't look at those dogs without thinking how miserable they must be. They were bred to breathe fucked up because they look cute. Pugs and shit just always sitting around like,

like they're getting choked on their own face. Gross. The thing wants to die. Breed them better. Jesse Zybarth, at doctor underscore feel good no i will not rest until at chrystalia comments on planet fitness's lunk alarm first of all what the fuck i'm looking at the photo here lunk alarm lunk noun slang one who grunts, drops weights, or judges. Rick, and then here's, Ricky is slamming his weights wearing a bodybuilding tank top and drinking out a gallon, out of a gallon water jug. What a lunk. All right. All right, Planet Fitness.

Planet Fitness, you know? Planet. Lunk alarm. And then they hit the lunk alarm? It's like a fucking thing that you can press? I would like it if... I only would think this is okay if you could hit it and it goes... And people in uniforms come and remove you. We have another lunk. We need to...

We need... Guys, your belongings. You need to we need to guys your belongings you need to leave what get your fucking shit ass water I hate when people bring

I've talked about this before when people have got a gallon jugs working out like bring a fucking bottle bring a bottle or bring one of those fucking you know

but where does it stop though the fucking making it nice making the uh making the uh the the environment having to think about it like i saw vegan uh for periods they have vegan cups where you just, it's reusable. You put it in your, how do I say it politically correct? Hatchet wound. You put it in your fried butterfly and you fucking,

you bleed in it out of your fucking walled up used, nevermind, so gross, and you bleed in it, and then when you bleed in it, you empty it and you wash it out, and you put it back. Where does it stop, huh?

It's blood coming out your bottom how about this instead of that don't eat don't eat meat or don't or you bring a fork to a restaurant or some or you know don't use a plastic fork or whatever where does it stop that's the same thing as the old grandpa with his handkerchief And then blowing his nose in the handkerchief And then putting it in the fucking pocket Ah, you got snot In your blazer now I'll wash it I'll wash it later

And then use it again Use a Kleenex Use a Kleenex you know that's fucking you know what's grosser than that one thing one thing's grosser than that

one thing and one thing only I could ask him how he wants each cut of his body to be done and label it for him with a black marker yum dude it's funny out of context but it is not funny in context if you think about it jesus christ going to hell uh whatever you're

all coming with me uh uh all right all right that's i think that's it that's good for today yeah all right you guys it was a great one it was was a long one. We had some ads here, so it was good. Thanks for sticking with me. You guys, what's up? First of all, get the Chris D'Elia app. Have you gotten it or not? Got to do that. I put other shit on there that I don't put any other places on social media.

But this is the thing. For the first leg of the new tour announced today, follow the leader. The tickets go on sale to the general public on Friday. On Friday. Buy tickets on ChrisDelia.com. I'm going to Tallahassee, Orlando, Charleston, Pittsburgh, Dayton, Huntsville, Nashville, Denver, Boise, Cleveland. And I'm adding other ones. Subscribe to the YouTube channel and rate and review the show.

It really helps. If you are a true baby, it really helps us do that. Because I'm not going to do this if it doesn't keep growing. That's what happens with businesses and cults. It's the same thing. If it's not growing, if you're not growing, you're dying.

Watch my specials on Netflix, and video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays, so be on the lookout for that. SquareCash. Have you switched yet lookout for that. Um, square cash. Have you switched yet? Download the free square cash app and to rewards code. Congrats. Get $5.

Give $5 to times up, uh, and get it for iOS or Android now. And, uh, blue apron, check out this week's menu and get your $30 off, uh,

with free shipping at blueapron.com slash congrats. Sayonara, my babies. I could ask him how he wants each cut of his body to be done and label it for him with a black mark. Yum. That's it.

Congratulations, motherfucker. Congratulations, motherfucker. Congratulations. you