Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 56. Smotherbox

Episode Date: February 19, 2018

It's the 56th episode! On today's show, Chris discovers some new sex terms on wikipedia. Also discussed: the Black Panther opening, bad movies from the 90s, getting older, Golden Girls and the TV show Hunter, and snacks from Trader Joe's. We have a new elder today, and of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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It's episode 56, right? Episode 56 of Congratulations. And we're here. And, you know, going to say it again, never thought we'd be here, but we're here. Spent the last week in L.A. Check this out. Wearing the One Fire shirt. You'll be able to see it on the video

podcast, but I'm wearing the One Fire shirt. And you can pick that up at crystalia.com. Now, there was a hair draped on my shoulder here that obviously fell out of my head. Now, every time I wear a white shirt, do I see multiple hairs that wind up on my shoulder? Yes. Does that mean I'm going bald?

Yeah. It means my hair's thinning. Does it stress me out? Yeah. Is it the only thing that someone needs to be stressed out about as a man? Yeah. Looks wise? Yes, it does.

And does it stress me out? Yes. Now, is it okay? No, it's not okay. But you know what? We're getting older and we're doing it and we'll see. We'll see what happens. We'll see when the thinning stops.

Right? When the thinning stops. Sounds? When the thinning stops. Sounds like a fucking some Danielle Steele book. But the one fire shirts are limited. There are only a few left. Follow the leader tour. We got it. Let me tell you right now.

Denver is almost sold out. It's a 2,000 seater. It's been on sale for a few days. It's almost out. Now, am I bragging? Perhaps. You's a 2,000-seater. It's been on sale for a few days. It's almost out. Now, am I bragging? Perhaps. You don't know. You do the math.

But the deal is it's going to sell out. So if you are a real baby and a real fan, then go get the tickets now, okay, because Orlando is filling up. Some of them are almost gone. So, you know, i don't want to hear oh couldn't didn't didn't get it in time and this and that couldn't hear it anyway but whatever go to the crystalia.com see uh i'm also announcing more cities so you don't have to be like oh man you're not coming to fucking atlanta i'm coming wherever I just I'm adding cities. But um, so yeah, that's what's up. I think I'm on the good doctor tonight. I'm not sure if it's not tonight. It's

the next week. So yeah. Do we all feel good about ourselves? Babies? Is it a good week? Was it a good week? Do we all feel fucking good and positive, man? Do we all feel good about ourselves because we're talking about how good Black Panther is? Do we all feel good? White people, are you happy? You congratulating yourselves and making it about your guilt? You massaging each other? Are you saying, dude, I saw this post it was like oh man finally marvel did something right congratulations it lives up to the to the hype uh uh um black panther

best movie yet dude a white guy said this you just you feel guilty okay you feel guilty i haven't seen black panther yet so i'm definitely talking out of turn, like I do on this podcast, because I don't know shit. However, white people, stop giving minorities attaboys. Stop saying, good job, buddy buddy you fucking guys are racist you are racist you're racist okay that's plain simp stop fucking giving minorities attaboys this isn't little league a movie's good if a movie's good i haven't seen it i'm sure it's good i'm sure it's cool and look let me tell you something man the fact that like you know little like black like black children can now see this movie and be like oh

we get to be superheroes now too that's fucking awesome you know there's not another movie about fucking slavery or the black people were portraying black people as the help. And that's great. And that is good. And that's good. And it should be done. And it should have been done a long time ago. But let's stop pretending like Black Panther's gone with the fucking wind.

Huh? Let's stop. Hey, dude, are we talking about Black Panther or Schindler's List, dude, these, you, these people, these white people are poison, dude, they are pretending, they are, they are, you say, oh, Black Panther is a good movie. It's like, oh, fucking great movie. Oh, finally, Marvel does it with a good movie. You're fucking giving attaboys. We're not wearing diapers, dude.

You're making it seem like black people need fucking your congratulations and your uh because they can't do it by themselves this shit pisses me off dude it's so annoying dude I don't know. I'm right about this, okay? Like, if... There was a tweet that was... What the fuck was it? This lady tweeted it. This is the most ridiculous shit.

I sent it in the group text. It's probably pretty far down there because we send so many fucking screenshots and shit. Here it is. Oh, wait, no. Here it is. Here it is. Here it is. So I carefully did.

This is by Ella Dawala. Emily Lack Dawala, a Lakdawala. A white girl with a short haircut, of course. So I carefully did not buy Black Panther tickets for opening weekend because I did not want to be the white person sucking black joy out of the theater. What's the appropriate date for me to buy tickets? Is next weekend okay? And it wasn't a joke.

She was being for real. I wrote back, hey, black people aren't fucking special needs children. What the fuck is this stupid racist shit now? I have to buy all the tickets and no one gets to go. I hope you're happy. Dude. What are you doing? What?

What are you doing? It's a fucking Marvel movie about a superhero oh what are you doing imagine her oh go ahead go ahead black people it's your movie it oh you racist you guilty what you do in your life that you feel guilty that you got to give up your seat to a black person to watch fucking Black Panther the movie when is it an appropriate time for me

to go and I'm able to watch the movie? Huh? Oh, the second it comes out. White people are so people. Well, white people, I guess, are so racist that they don't even fucking realize that they're doing it. Everyone's so fucked up they were saying they say as you get older you get more racist because you fucking just want to be near your own like retirement communities are all like white people or they're all black people or all asian people and that's just how it is because of fucking it's all based on tribes and shit and

like you don't you just want to be around people like you i guess what if that's our, it's all based on tribes and shit. And like, you don't, you just want to be around people like you. And guess what? If that's our nature, there's nothing, you can't get away. You can't get away from that. If I'm 90 and want to chill with some white people, I can't help that. Can't get away. Can't get away. Dad.

Can't get away. It doesn't mean you hate another type of person. But dude, imagine giving up your seat. So a person of another race could sit down and watch a movie about that, that, that, where there is another, where those, that race is portrayed. Imagine, sir, would you like to sit down? I don't want to ruin your fun. Hey, are you fucking, are you serious? Are you four?

Are they four? Are they four? Do they shit their pants? Nah. Are they four? You they shit their pants? Nah. Are they four? You're making it worse. You know? White chicks with short haircuts.

It can be dangerous. With fucking red ass glasses, you know? and like short hair and red ass glasses and a backpack. You're dangerous. I don't I don't know. Look, Black Panther, I'm sure, is a good movie. I'm sure it's a good Marvel movie movie let's just stop pretending like it's fucking you know uh what do you call it serpico or some shit i don't know that's enough of that though

daddy got hot right there didn't mean to get so hot but also uh speaking of hot a guy i started uh we're developing a show with youtube red it's not called zoinks and one of the reasons why i'm doing it is because they fucking canceled ads on logan paul's shit And so it's like, dude, you know what? That's cool. You know how I've been talking about him and how fucking bullshit and shitty that guy is? And you know what? Okay.

But because of that now, here's the deal. Because of that... Now who's got a fucking YouTube Red show, bro? You tasing rats, bro? You filming dead people? Who got a YouTube Red show now, baby? It'll probably be canceled in a second, but it's okay because I still got it.

For the meantime, hit them up. Yeah, you 22 and I'm 37 and this is sad, but fuck it. That's it. And then at the end, it's like this when he does this. Wait. This is the end and the end And then at the end it's like this When he does this Wait This is the end Yeah Jake Logan Paulers How hilarious would it be

If he beat the shit out of me But yeah dude That's how it's gonna be from now on we're doing it the babies come with me man we're doing it we're doing it you think i'm joking about this cult thing a little bit unless you're really coming unless you're really coming fuck it well you know that part in the Nelly song, just kidding, unless you're gonna do it, what's that fucking, is it hot in here, just kidding, unless you're gonna do it, like, that was maybe the best line in all of the 2000s hip-hops, just kidding, unless you're gonna do it, nelly dude nelly put a band-aid on his fucking face no reason

i'm just kidding like jason let's go and do it just kidding like jason so stupid it's jason kid right not kidding it just kidding like jason even though it's just kidding I added kidding but anyway let's go and do it fuck that dude it's so harsh so harsh dude I remember

the first time I heard hit em up I was driving on fucking Foothill Boulevard in La Cunada, California. Swipe. And I fucking heard the part where it just goes like this. I ain't got no motherfucking friends. That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker. This is sad, the first line. I ain't got no motherfucking friends.

That's why I fucked your bitch, you fat motherfucker. Srued. Imagine, hey, let's invite Tupac over. I don't know. He's always, he fucked, he fucked his, he fucks our bitches. And he doesn't care, dude. He doesn't even really have any friends. He said it.

Listen. Listen, dude. He doesn't even really have any friends. He said it. Listen. Listen, dude. Right? Yeah. And that was... He did that to fucking Ted. Just kidding like Jason. Unless you gonna do it.

So, God, I got my doggies here. They're just chilling. They love chilling. They love being near me, dude. Sometimes when I put them outside, it's cold here in LA. I'll put them outside and I got a window on the door and they're shaking because it's so cold and I feel bad. But sometimes I don't feel bad. And sometimes I'm very German about it and I'm just like, German about it and I'm just like,

until you shit and piss. But yeah. I realize my dogs are like almost seven now. That's crazy. People say that Yorkies, like my buddy had a Yorkie growing up. I had Yorkies growing up. And he was like, oh, they chill out after a few years. No, they don't. These fucking things are so spastic. Come here, butters. Come here. They're

so fucking spazzy and shit. Come here. Come here. Grabbed him by the neck. Peter's going to get mad. Whatever, dude. That's what their mommies do I'm their mommy dude I'm your fucking mommy dude I know the other one's jealous Let me live a little bit Watched this movie last night Dude we had a Bad

We had bad movie night And uh We watched this movie It was called uh Well It was called Blood Money But then we realized That they changed the title

It was on Amazon Prime It's called Blood Money Blood Money And then It was called The Killer's Edge. And I don't know if they changed it or what. But, dude, there were these movies that were made in like 1991.

They're like a bunch of them. And they're by this production company. I don't know what. But they all have the same actors in them and shit. We didn't realize until after we saw it. But, dude, this movie called Blood Money, ah. I mean, it's so 91, dude. It's unbelievable.

It actually looks like it's more in the 80s it was one of those movies like you know if you don't have good budget if you don't have a good budget it's russian if you don't have good budget if you don't have a good budget like it seems like the movies are made a lot longer ago this thing was made in 1991 some of the shots look like they're in fucking 1950 but it was with this guy named robert zdar weirdest last name zdar you know and uh he plays a bad guy he has this thing is it a deformity or what is it disease what condition i don't know but it's called cherubism and it makes your jaw look super manly. Basically, you look like American Dad. But look him up, Robert Zdar.

He's one of those guys where you're like, you saw in 90, you see a movie about him in 1991, and then you know that he died early. You know? Like, you can't, like, seeing a guy that was alive like that 20 years ago, you know, oh, shit, this guy died when he was like 52. You know what I'm talking about? You see guys like that. But you know, what's weird is the cherubism that he got. Cherubism is a condition that makes your jaw really big.

really big and uh and uh honestly like it looks a lot but um it's it's a cherubism is a disorder characterized by abnormal bone tissue in the lower part of the face beginning in early childhood both the lower jaw the mandible and the upper jaw the maxilla i mean rappers what up it's mandible, and the upper jaw, the maxilla. I mean, rappers. What up? It's mandible and maxilla. Become enlarged as bone is replaced with painless cyst-like growth. So these guys, like, have big jaws, but they look kind of manly, dude. Not saying I'd want it, but, like, and I'm sure there's different cases of it,

but, well, yep, there definitely are. I'm not saying I'd want it, but like... And I'm sure there's different cases of it, but... Oh, well, yep, there definitely are. But Robert Zdar... He just looked kind of fucking... He looked kind of like... Manly and shit. I don't know if that's okay to say. Also, isn't it kind of fucked up to call it cherubism?

You know? Like, uh... It's like, it is, isn't it, cherubism, you're saying it's like a cherub, it's like calling something fucking, it's like calling a condition donkeyism, like I don't want to be compared to a fucking, fucking baby angel, I don't know, I don't want to be compared to a fucking baby angel. I don't know. Also, why is it called cherubism? You don't look like a cherub on it. Oh, you grow wings too.

You grow wings too. That's why. I forgot. I forgot. Robert Zdar had wings as well. But the acting in this movie is bad's bad it's like and there's so many times and there's one dude in it that looks so much like tony tony curtis we thought it was tony curtis the whole way through and his name in the movie is tony how is we're looking up tony curtis now how is that not the guy that was in that movie last night dude

it wasn't huh that's unbelievable i've never seen someone look more like someone else than tony curtis does then one of the bad guys in this movie fucking blood money or the killer's edge how come in the 90s they made all these fucking movies with the most vaguest titles ever vaguest titles of all time dude they. They never, it would be like The Killer's Edge, Blood Money, Revenge. They make a movie just called like, okay. One Fire is really trying to look up the guy and he can't do it we don't even know what i don't know but there's like 75 there's also 75 movies named blood money since then you know gino denti is that him look at that fucking name

hey gino denti whoever gino denti is owes people money you can't have a name Gino Denti and not owe people money. That's him, right? Gino Denti is Tony Curtis, dude. Hey, I'm fucking Gino Denti. Gino Denti is such a name where you either owe money or are owed money.

There's no way Gino Denti ever has that amount of money that he has. Hey, guys, I'm into a guy for 50K, you know? Hey, this guy owes me 40 grand, but, you know, I'll level it out. No, you won't.

Why, you don't believe me? Nah, because your name is Gino Dentti. Hey, take it easy. These movies that they make, that they just like, it was amazing in the 90s because you could just make independent movies and then sell them somewhere. And now the movies that they make, they make even more and they just stream them. It's like the Wild West now. You just fucking stream them and you can just find like Amazon Prime

or like Netflix like netflix or hulu they all have them but we're gonna have bad movie night like once every few weeks and um we're gonna do that we were talking about turning it into a show that'd be fun just like green screen I don't know, but anyway Bubba I guess I don't know what else to talk about What if I just did a 20 minute podcast How mad would the babies be But you'd have to be with me You'd have to understand and be like

Listen, you know, he did it because he had to And, you know, it was all good Let's not fucking push him You know what I mean The shows at the comedy store were fucking awesome And, you know, it was all good. Let's not fucking push them. You know what I mean? The shows at the Comedy Store were fucking awesome. Dude, it was fucking insane the other night. On Saturday night, it was Chappelle was there, Chris Rock, Marlon Wayans. and just so many fucking comedians that were just there that were like super fucking big

and all palling around. Everyone was in a good mood. Oh, I saw Chris Rock's special. Dude, I fucking loved Chris Rock's special. I've never seen a full special for years. I put it on. I just wanted to check it out, and I watched the whole fucking thing. Man, he is – that guy, i think pound for pound is just i mean the skill set he has and then also just how funny he is how much he obviously respects stand-up and how hard he

obviously works i mean that guy will come into the comedy store and do a bit that's like he's obviously working out and then you'll see it later and it'll just be like boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. The guy's amazing. And he's had – it's his first special in 10 years. It's like that special tambourine reminded me why he's Chris Rock. I always loved him. But this fucking special, man. He was just – it's so so good it's so fucking good man

it made me happy for comedy you know because a lot of people are getting specials there's a lot of them out there especially on Netflix and you know you know HBO does a lot of them and Comedy Central does a bunch but this guy just reminded you of what a great comedian is that works on his shit. I mean, it was just great, man. I was watching it in awe as a comedian. And God, I mean, this constantly changes for me who my favorite comedian is at the moment, but like, he, he's, he's, he, he's the best. I mean, he's just the best. God, that guy's fucking good. And I know obviously he's good, but Jesus, I was like, as a comedian, that shit is killer. That shit is so good. It also like, sometimes when people are so good, you're just like, oh, fuck, I want to give up.

That's good, though. It's inspiring, you know. It's inspiring for that, I guess. But Chappelle was in the belly room doing two shows last weekend working on new material. This guy fucking so much material. This guy fucking so much material. This guy is so prolific. How the fuck does he do it, dude? It's incredible.

I mean, I put out a special once every year and a half, two years. But this guy, oh, we put out four in two months. You know? This guy is just like, I need another $20 million. Let's make a special. Imagine you could be like that. Butters is going to have a special. Butters will have a special.

Not really. Just drop them fat fuck uh i don't know man honestly sometimes i'm here's the thing when we talk on this podcast when i talk on this podcast just imagine me on the phone with you and you're just chilling on your bed and you're on your belly and you're sticking your back feet up and you're a little you're a little girl even if you're a boy you're a guy you're a little girl now and you're in your fucking bit little bedroom and it's all pink around around and you're on speak and i'm on speakerphone and you don't really talk back but you're a little girl you're cute as shit and you're on your tummy that's what this fucking podcast is man And we're having a conversation, only you don't really get to talk that much. For fuck's sake. I got two. Here's how dry I am, and here's how old I am. Two humidifiers.

Got two. I got two. I plugged them both in, and I play them when I fucking go, when I go to bed, and they moist the fuck up. Then I wake up, I'm a little less moist the next day. And when I forget, I wake up and I'm as dry as a fucking mummy. I've had chap lips. My opener told me the other day. He's like, you've had chap lips. You got to get rid of that. Dude, I've had chap lips since fucking March of 2012. I always have chapped lips.

How about this? I always have chapped lips and a fucking, and I mean, I was thinking about aging the other day. Let me do this fucking shit first and then I'll do it. Okay. Square Cash. If you haven't heard, we're switching to the Cash app. We already did it. I pay people with the Cash app.

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but yeah i'm getting older and like i got back pain okay uh chap lips nose is like the Sahara Desert. Hair's falling out. Hey, I'm starting to look like the goddamn Crypt Keeper. I know where I'm headed future-wise. I'm going to look like Christopher Lloyd. That's it. I'm going to fucking buy a white lab coat and just walk around and people are going to be like, ah, shit. I get it now. I'm going to be like, ah, shit. I get it now.

I'm going to look like Christopher fucking Lloyd when I get older. He's the guy in Back to the Future, for those of you that don't know him. How come Christopher Lloyd has been 70 for 40 years? We got to go back to the future. The only time he was young was in Cuckoo's Nest right and then he played what's his name

in Adam's Family he's actually kind of handsome though look at him on Taxi on the left in the red background nope definitely not handsome there

right there he's kind of cool looking I'm just saying that because I hope because that's definitely me fuck It's kind of cool looking. I'm just saying that because I hope. Because that's definitely me. Fuck. I gotta go, Marty.

Come on, Marty. God. I would hate being known as a guy for just one, like no matter what you did, people would be like, oh, no, but you were good in Back to the Future 70 years ago. Put on a lab coat um uh i i i don't know i have a movie coming out in a little bit called half magic i think it's coming out next week i'm gonna do corolla next week yeah it's next week oh he comes out in a few days i think this week i think actually yeah um i don't know i don't know what else to talk about dude if you know what i realized something though and i thought of this and i don't know if this is going to make sense but here's how dramatic i am this is this is this is i always i always like i had a bit in my first special how girls were like i was like i'm really not into all that drama and like that means that you're dramatic as shit.

If you're talking about you're not into drama, you're dramatic. Okay? That's it. If you're talking about you're not dramatic, you're dramatic. Congratulations. People always talk about what they are not. They think that they are how they are and they are not how they are. They are not how they are.

They are how they are. They are, they are, they are not how they are. They are how they are not. This is what I was talking about a few podcasts ago when I couldn't feel the feeling of what I was trying to talk about, about how people always say what they, what they're not. Like when you watch the jinx, that guy wanted to get caught. He was like, I kill,

he went to the bathroom and started talking about how I was like, they're going to catch me. And he was, he had the microphone on him and he was wired. But like, when somebody talks about, like, oh, I'm not scared, they're scared. That's why when a girl's like, hey, just so you know, we're not having sex, it means that they want to. People, what are you bringing it up for? What are you bringing it up for?

It's on your mind, right? But here's how dramatic I am. If I was hit in the head and I was alone, if something fell on my head and fell down, and it knocked me down. But I didn't get knocked out. I was just hurting on the ground, and I fell down. I would pretend I was knocked out for a few minutes, even though nobody is around. That's how dramatic i am i realized that if something hit me in the head i would fall down and i go and i go and i'd hit the ground and i would just stay there for a few minutes knowing i wasn't knocked out but still trying

to pretend and believe that i was knocked out and And then like seven minutes later, I'd get up and go like, even though I don't need to. If nobody was around. If people were around, I wouldn't do it because I wouldn't want to scare them. And then I wouldn't like pretend. I wouldn't tell people I got knocked out. But that would just be like for me. That's how dramatic I am. I'm dramatic when it comes to being when it's alone like that. I would fucking for like for me. That's how dramatic I am. I'm dramatic when it comes to being.

When it's alone like that. I would fucking for sure do that. And I think. You know I've. Like I've done it. Like when I was a kid. I actually realized I tripped. I tripped. And I fell. Like when I was a kid, I actually realized I tripped. I tripped and I fell and my dog was outside and I fell right next to the window.

And I fell and I stayed there for like a few minutes with my eyes closed. And my dog was watching me. And I stayed there with my eyes closed pretending that I was knocked out for until my dog was like pawing out the door a few minutes later and started crying. And then I felt bad and I was like, oh, shit. And I got up and I was like, oh, Cody, come here. It's okay. Like, what a waste of fucking time, you know? I cannot believe I did that shit, but I did do that shit,

little kids are funny, one time, one time when I was a kid, I grabbed my cousin, and he was younger than me, he was like fucking fuck, he must have been like five, or six or seven, and I grabbed him, and he was so he was younger than me he was like fucking fuck he must have been like five or six or seven and uh and i grabbed him and he said get off of me you smell like your house it's weird and that shit was like oh wow that's crazy that you can be six or seven and have that much emotional intelligence or you know and be like oh i was like this guy's kind of a genius huh

you know, and be like, oh, I was like, this guy's kind of a genius, huh? Kids are fucking bitches though, huh? I used to be so scared when I was a kid. I used to be so scared when I was a kid of everything. I'd run into my parents' room and be like, hey, what's up? And they'd be like, what? I'd be like, I'm scared. They're like, there's nothing to be scared about. I remember one time my they'd be like what i'd be like i'm scared like there's nothing to be scared about i remember one time my dad would be like what are you even scared about and i'd say and i said and i literally said everything birds you said birds i was like yeah i'm just scared i don't even know what of oh man i was a night i was a lunatic when i was a kid all i needed to see was one fucking image of fredueger. And I was done.

Or Jason. Or Michael Myers. Even worse. With that pale white face dude. Fuck that scared the shit out of me. My friend Kevin Nelson would always. Dude. Oh I talked about him before.

His mom would always let him watch fucking rated R movies. Even though he was nine. And he would have me watch Freddy Krueger in his basement. His basement would be half carpeted and half like fucking granite. How come that carpet was harder than that fucking, than rocks? They put like a thin layer of carpet over the fucking stone on the basement. This is East Coast shit. And then when you'd'd fall on it you'd like break your hip but you'd be like ah but it's carpet so it shouldn't hurt that much it hurt and they'd have that fucking tv that lays on the

ground remember that tv that laid on the ground they don't really make those anymore those ground tvs that are just too big and heavy and they just have like they make it look like they made it look like furniture because it was just too big and clunky and shitty. And then you'd go to, you'd have to get up to change a channel and it would go gunk, gunk, gunk when you change a channel. And they'd have that orange fucking band that would like

show you what channel it was on. That bright orange thing. My grandma killed it with that TV. Dude, I would go to my grandma's house after my grandfather died, and we would go, and we would watch fucking Hunter, the TV show. Remember that show? One Fire Two remembers. But dude, Hunter, the TV show, and he was like an ex-football player, I think, right? And it was basically just, dude, but we watched Hunter, man.

And the show was probably bad. It was S80s. Guy's pretty handsome. He is actually real handsome. But he would like, he was like a detective or something. And we would watch it, and it would be me, my brother, and my grandma in bed, and we would watch his shit. She'd be me, my brother, and my grandma in bed. And we would watch this shit. She'd be like, you want to watch Hunter?

And I'd be like, yeah, okay. And we would watch Hunter. We would watch Golden Girls and Hunter. That's what we would watch. Back to back. Golden Girls and Hunter. And we would just fall asleep. We would spend the night at my grandma's house.

Dude, that shit was bomb as fuck, man. You know what that was? Real love. love, feeling love from a grandma, man. That's awesome. My mom would just drop us off and I would never go into her basement. You know why? Because she had a fucking taxidermy stuffed fucking swordfish. Scared the shit out of me. Everything in the basement was fucking creepy, man swear to god you put a clown up on the on the top level not not creepy at all you put a clown on the fucking upstairs not bad you put that clown downstairs over some carpeted stone that clown's gonna fuck you and molest you but we will watch hunter and golden girls man i love that show golden girls i was fucking

nine i would watch that shit i was eight me and my fucking five-year-old brother we watched golden girls and my grandpa would always be like or my grandma would always be like you know the the one who plays their mom is actually younger than b arthur and i'd be like really she looks so old she's like i know but she's younger. Wow. You couldn't fucking look it up back then. You just had to trust your grandma. I'd be like, could you Google it? She'd be like, what's that?

It wasn't invented yet. Bea Arthur. Bea Arthur was the oldest one, apparently, even though the mom was the... Her mom was younger than her one, apparently, even though the mom was the... Her mom was younger than her in the movie, or in the show. Estelle Getty, that's what it was. Remember Stop or My Mom Will Shoot with fucking Sylvester Stallone?

Stop or My Mom Will Shoot? The movie was tanked, dude. Sylvester Stallone and Estelle Getty. Hey, yo, Stop or my mom will shoot. I remember there was one part where he would take a shower and just caught you red-handed. Video of me. Been looking up videos of me.

One fire. Right there in the middle. Oh. Oh, man. Caught me red-handed. This is my account. How are you logged into my account, dick? He's logged into my account, and he sees everything that is suggested for me,

and it's a video of me on lip-sync battle. It's hilarious. I was like, oh, caught you red-handed, and it's me. One fire. Still one fire. Exposed me. Remember that song? Thank you for being a friend.

Wait, have you heard the Andrew Gold version of it, dude? This is the whitest song of all time. I think this guy wrote it. Andrew Gold. The movie's called Intermission. Eh? And he plays... First of all, this is the whitest first of all this is the whitest song

of all time this is it it's called Big Fat Daddy how many songs start like this so white coming How many songs start like this? So white. Coming.

Oh. This guy wrote the song of Golden Girls, I think. He did? I'm a real big daddy. So white. Big fat daddy. Oh, so many sexual deviances. I need a pretty little girl like you.

I'm big fat daddy. Oh. The word fat is just like, come on, why? The fact that he wants to be fat is so disrespectful. Dude, I was thinking about sex would be better. For me, if I was fat, I feel like sex would be better. I've talked about this with my friends. Me, if I was fat, I feel like sex would be better.

I've talked about this with my friends. If I was a fat guy, I would be more turned on. Because, and I think that it's a fucked up thing about me. Because I think it would be like, first of all, it would mean the girl would like me more. Like actually, because it wouldn't be about looks. I'm not saying i'm the most handsome guy in the world but i at least i'm thin and i take care of myself you know and i know i'm gonna look like christopher lloyd later but i gotta get the i gotta get married now so i fucking can because i'm gonna end up looking like fucking i say 48 gigawatts or whatever um uh but if i was fat either it's two ways either i know the girl

would love me for me and therefore i would have loving sex and then i would be able to it would be better because sex when you're loving someone is way better it really it really is and i know i know i have a lot of, I know a lot of virgins listen to this podcast, and I just wanted to tell you guys, loving sex is better. Even though also it's pretty cool to just be humping. But, so there's that. But then here's another way it could also turn you on. If it's not, and if it's just sex, then why is the girl doing it? You know?

Like I got a fat ass belly, and the girl's having sex anyway, why is she doing it. You know? Like I got a fat ass belly and a girl's having sex anyway. Oh, why is she doing it? That turns me out too in a weird way. I probably shouldn't be admitting this. But like thinking of a fat guy like a super fat guy having sex

it's like kind of makes it like deviant, you know like a real fat guy with like a real hot chick what's going on there right you see it you've seen it right a really fat guy with a really beautiful chick it's like what's going on in your head? Yeah, but yeah. Okay, sure, money. But besides money, it's happened also when it's not money. So what's that to deal with that? What is that, dude?

That's kind of weird and deviant. What's the word? Deviant? Yeah. I don't know. I'm probably getting in trouble. I just, you know, it's okay to be fat. Yeah, it's okay to be fat.

It's definitely okay to be fat. If you're humping, it's better. Hmm. I don't know. Because something's weird. Because if you think about porn, like you don't, like if I'm't know, because something's weird. Because if you think about porn, like you don't, like if I'm watching porn, which I don't, I really don't do that much. I'm sorry to disappoint you guys.

I want to be able to tell you I do because I want to be able to admit that and be raw and what you see is what you get, but I just don't. But if I'm watching, I don't really want the guy to be fit, you know? If I'm watching porn, I want the girl to be attractive to me, but I don't really want the guy to be fit. I don't really care. If he's got like a little weight on him, I'm like, all right, cool. Cool.

Cool, it could be me. You guys know what the fuck I'm talking about, too. Oh, what the fuck is that? One fire just pulled up. Hogging. Sexual practice. Hogging or sweat hogging refers to the practice of groups of men who target overweight. Oh, shit.

Overweight or obese women. Shit. Disrespectful. Calling it hogging? I mean, how is this even on Wikipedia? Okay. Typically for sexual... Unlike fat fetishists,

men who participate in hogging are not necessarily sexually attracted to obese women's body. They aim to take advantage of a female's stereotypical low self-esteem. Oh, the worst people. Or to derive amusement for themselves and their friends by engaging in sexual activities with women who are over it. Oh, the demons of the earth. Come on. How fucked up do you have to be as a man to do that

what happened people just beat the shit out of you every day in your life oh look criticism hogging has been described as a form of misogyny oh yeah really and this shit no shit I've never been like that man in this shit. No shit.

I've never been like that, man. I've never been like that. When guys are like, yeah, I had sex with her just for the story. Like that's some shit guys say. I've never been like that. Ever. I've never done it.

Never would. It's just like, what? Oh, you had sex with a girl that you didn't want to for the story hey man your life's boring go out and get other stories you know you have to be like, I had sex with a girl. She didn't want to, had to do it for the story. Really? What's the story? You just told it.

It's two seconds. Now what? Yeah. So just to, you know, impress other terrible guys. Oh yeah. Yeah. It was classic. Really?

Nah. You know, it's classic. Something wicked this way comes by Ray Bradbury. you know it's classic something wicked this way comes by Ray Bradbury no it's not classic you had sex with a fucking plump chick how could you call it hogging so disrespectful hogging. This is disrespectful.

If you're happy, who gives a shit? Honestly. If you're happy, you're overweight. If you're happy, you're underweight. If you're happy, you're fucking... Who gives a fuck? It's not up to anyone else, right? I guess as long as you're not healthy, because then it's selfish, right?

Because if you fucking have a family and you're just eating and shit and eating, eating, eating, and you're going to die soon and get cancer because of all the fucking sugar. Dude, how good? I started eating snacks from Trader Joe's. Dude, hey, snacks from Trader Joe's.

What the fuck do they put in there? I think they put fucking drugs in there, dude. They're so good. And for some reason you feel healthier eating snacks from Trader Joe's even though it's not. It's not. But you're like, ah, it's Trader Joe's. Look at it. There's so many hippies here.

Um. Oh, come on dude look at what one fire pulled up this is terrible i'm see i'm glad i don't even know about this yet now i guess i do look at this look at this go up go up go up go i want to read the part first of all all, it's called, this is a disclaimer. This is gross, okay? Red wings. The expression to earn one's red wings means to perform cunnilingus on a menstruating partner. The phrase is a reference to menstrual bloodstains in the shape of a small bird's wing. Yeah, we get it, you know? On, yeah, on your face, you get like red. I don't even want to talk about this, but here's the part.

Here's the part that I liked. That's the whole reason why I started talking about it. The slang term originated among biker gangs. Yeah, we know. Hey, biker gangs, you talk bad. You talk bad. That's locker room talk. That's like you're in the locker talk, in the actual locker, and you're locked in.

Remember when Trump was like, yeah, grab her by the pussy, and then he was like, that's locker room talk? That's not locker room talk, man. This is locker room talk. Oh, she's so hot, man. Oh, I want to fuck her so bad. That's locker room talk. Oh, man, she's so hot. Ah, but her sister's hot. that's locker room talk oh man she's so hot ah but her sister's hot not that hot ah but she's hot that's locker room talk this is locker room talk ah dude this is what a guy would say ah she sucked my dick man it was awesome this isn't locker room talk

hey you grab them by the pussy even when they don't want you to that's vile talk that's criminal look at look at i love how wikipedia and then here's another one face sitting you don't need to describe it it's in the title face sitting also known as queening or kinging, is a... Who's making these fucking terms up? Hey, babe, want a king? What? Lay down. Hey, babe, want a king?

Yeah, I don't know. What is it? Lay down. Wait, are you going to... in his practice and with one part or sits on or over the other's face typically to allow or force oral genital genital or oral anal contact gonna get sick jesus christ Jesus Christ. Wait, go up, go up.

Face sitting, right there. Face sitting using a queening stool? God, these fucking products that they have at sex shops. Sometimes special furniture is used such as a queening stool or smother box. Hey, imagine, honey, I bought a smother box. I want a divorce. Hey, honey, I bought a smother box. It's over.

No, no, no, no, no. Lay down. See, what you do is you put this up on top of your face, and then I sit down and... Hey, let's just do regular horizontal sex. Wow. Imagine the people that design the smotherbox, you know? See... Dude, in Wikipedia it says, see also tea bagging oh yeah dude tired of tea an infomercial tired of tea bagging your partner with no extra help or way to sit down

don't your quads burn tired of having them Tired of waking up the next day sore as hell? New. Smother boxes. Try the new smother box. Easily portable. Bring it with you. Slide it under the bed. You know how they always, every infomercial slides under the bed.

Look at this fucking smother box, dude. We got to show this on the video. Jesus Christ. slides under the bed look at this fucking smother box dude we got to show this on the video jesus christ i love every informal by the way it's just a toilet you know whoops sorry pissed oh hey this time let's but if i sat on a smother box the way the thing looks it would be so fucking sense memory i would just shit it's a toilet you'd sit and i'd shit and i'd be like whoops sorry i forgot i'm not used to smother boxes only toilets um but uh yeah every infomercial your infomercial ain't you ain't if you don't have if you have workout equipment in an infomercial and you don't slide it under the bed, it ain't shit.

They better fold up and slide under the bed. And easily storable, and they slide it under the bed. Put your smother box easily under the sink. Fits easy. All right, we got an elder today. We're going to announce a new elder. Here we go. Grace, at Grace KR26, complete true baby.

Just look at her Twitter page. It basically exists for the sole purpose of spreading the cult. Thank you, Grace. I mean, look at this girl. She's got all the shirts. Her picture is of her and a MyPillow. Got a little picture of... She's just great.

She's a sweetheart. Look at her. Aw. She's even got the One Fire shirt like I do. True baby right there. Aw. true baby right there aww that kind of shit makes me happy man if I was a fucking idiot I'd be like it makes my heart smile

you know how people say that I'll fight ya um I want to do some questions this I love how some quitter questions? This, I love how some of these questions make me laugh because it's like, what kind of an animal do you think I am? Look, Alex Kessler, at Kessler underscore Alex,

how do you feel when strangers tell you your shoe is untied? I mean, it's literally just somebody trying to help you, you know? I go, oh, thanks. What do you think? I just hear these people, like, oh, yeah, fuck that guy. Fuck him for trying to help me. It's my shoe. I'll tie it when I want or untie it when I don't want.

What kind of fucking animal do you think I am? Nothing scarier than this guy, Andrew Zagar. At Andrew underscore Zagar. Have you seen the new robot by Boston Dynamics? It's a dog that, I mean, we're dead. Every time I see some shit like that, I think we're dead, dude. Look at this fucking thing. We're going to show it.

Boston Dynamics robot. Whoa, dude. This thing is scary. New dog-like robot from Boston Dynamics that opens doors. Dude, this thing would fucking kill your mother. Dude, one robot opened up the door for the other robot. So consider it until it fucking pins you down and uses its robotic arm to literally intrude your anus. And there's nothing you can do about it.

There's nothing you can do about it. Dude, imagine getting fucked by a robot. You think getting raped by a human is scary? We're fucked. A robot doing it? You know how psychological it is? How fucked up psychologically it would be to be like, oh, I'm trying to tell this guy to stop but he won't stop and he knows i want him to stop how fucked up would it be when you're getting fucked by a robot you're telling a robot to stop and you know robots don't even understand

stop what if that was my psa on nbc dude that's terrifying this, and they made it yellow, this is terrifying, dude, all you got to do is put a fucking gun on that, on the top, we're fucked, that thing could get in my house, and just have one of those guns that is, it goes in the circle, and just goes, just have one of those guns that is it goes in the circle and just goes and just fucking one of those like the in the um in command or uh no in uh what's the other one predator that's the first time i saw it yeah just bullets so hard that you don't even so many bullets that you don't even hear that it's just put that on top of that fucking robot doggy we're done we're done we're done

yeah and you know what i'm gonna see that robot doggy coming at me with that fucking gatling gun and i'm gonna be like this all right all right that's my fucking thing everyone maybe you might be like oh no here they come fuck that this is me all right fine fuck it and i have a newspaper i'm reading the newspaper and i don't even read the newspaper but that's what happens and i just go all right and i just throw it up in the air okay here we go shoot me just don't fuck me or shit fuck me after and then i'm dead face down and then the robot uses its hand to anally penetrate fuck it dude we're done we're done dude we are done you see that yellow robot we are done I'm carrying jugs of water

around so I just pour it on that fucking thing and it short circuits we're so fucked I was listening to this TED talk and they were like look technology is good and bad always you know and it will you know eventually we'll be merging with these kind of like robots and we'll be half

half human half robot type people like we could think something and then robots will move or some shit and i guess that's good and bad because then the you know look it's like it comes down to this life will be easier on a day-to-day on a daily basis but also war will be way more terrible dude world war one when they made the gun when they made the fucking automatic guns imagine how terrifying that was generals in battle battle that used to fucking hold arms and be like and then all of a sudden some guy came in with the first gun and was just like and the first line and the second line is stepping over the what the fuck is going on they're stepping over the other dead bodies. And they're

just dying. All of them getting mowed down. Dude, every day, hundreds of thousands of people in World War I were mowed the fuck down. These people never saw these guns before. Do you know how scary that is? Imagine living in that time and not knowing about these guns and then all of a sudden that's as scary as now if fucking dragons came and were we wouldn't know what to do same thing we'd be like what the fuck is this shit? Or these yellow robot dogs. They fuck us. Run. They're fucking the first line.

Go. Grabs the fucking drum. Just fucking crushes it. No, no, no, no, no. Pinning your arm back. Fucking the shit out of you. That's how it was in World War I. That's just as scary as it was.

Because we didn't know what these fucking guns were. Must fuck. And there's just some fucking general with an eye patch behind it all, just like hitting a button, the fuck button. Fuck them all. I want total domination. We can't shoot the yellow robots. Try water.

That doesn't work. It only works in 80s movies. Oh, fuck. Ripping heads off, fucking them. You know? Dragons. That's as scary as it was. At least it was quick, I guess.

Wow. Imagine what it was like back then. You got your little fucking muskets. Wow. Imagine what it was like back then. You got your little fucking muskets, and you got to, and then fucking clean it, and then push the bullet down. Some guy comes in just basically with a robot,

a yellow robot that fucks you anally. That's basically what it was. All right. almost done here, at, it's KB, at Ryan Marie, Ryan Marie, what do we think about standing desks,

you know what, I would have a standing desk, because, the sitting down thing, is bad for you man, sitting down for fucking 12 hours a day, or however time, sometimes people work for a long time.

Dude, I would have a standing desk. My manager has a standing desk. Yeah, the one that said, look, there's a desk in there. You know, it's standing. But yeah, I would get a standing desk or at least one that you can adjust. They have those that you can adjust.

There's an infomercial and you can fold it under your bed. Anyway, go back to that one uh zach crampton are you finding it harder to keep politics out of your act politics out of your act and the podcast in the current political climate honestly yeah it's so hard to not talk about politics just because of how crazy and divisive uh the world is and also it's just what's going on you know it's like all of the news is that it's like news used to be about like oh britney it's britney spears's birthday and now it's like oh donald trump said the n-word at a press conference It's like what So yeah it is really hard

But also like I like being silly man And it's hard to be silly about that shit I mean you can But it's always like It always feels like if you're doing political commentary Or political humor You've got to be making a point and shit Which is fine

It's just I like to fucking I like to fucking commentary or political humor you've got to be making a point and shit which is fine it's just i like to fucking i like to fucking escape you know i like to be i live in my own head i like to talk about what the fuck's going on in my own head that's why i like this podcast you know i like to talk about robots fucking you against your will like so it's like you know you got these fucking but it's like it's hard to it's it's hard to it's not hard but it's like when when you are that kind of person and then when things happen where it's like oh they're going to build a wall to keep mexicans out it's like okay

okay well i got to think about that too because it's irresponsible if i don't you know all right square square cash have you switched yet download the free square cash app enter rewards code congrats get five dollars give five dollars to times up get it for ios or android now and in the meantime send me money on it no i'm kidding i'm not a hook um i got a tour going on follow the leader buy tickets on chris d'alia.com, Tallahassee, Orlando, Charleston, Pittsburgh, Dayton, Huntsville, Nashville, Denver, Boise, Cleveland, and more coming. I forgot to talk about something. I'll talk about it next time. It's a good thing.

Subscribe to the YouTube channel and download the Chris Delia app for iOS or Android. I go live on there and talk there a lot, and sometimes I show behind the scenes here. Subscribe, rate, and review the show. It really helps us push our cult a little bit further. And I'm going to be on The Good Doctor coming up, either tonight or next week, I don't remember. And Half Magic comes out, I believe, on Friday,

which is a movie that I'm in. It's directed, written, and directed by Heather Graham. Thanks for listening, babies. You guys are the best. ............ Thank you.