Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 57. The Bare-Faced Lie

Episode Date: February 26, 2018

It's the 57th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about family arguments. Also discussed: mistaken song lyrics, actors playing trans, porn on Instagram, and people falling down. We have a new elder today, we do TMFUIPOTW, and of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter.   Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Bill O'Reilly. So this is episode 57 of Congratulations. Temporarily forgot the name of my own podcast, but it's only been 57 episodes. I promise to get it right one of these days. You guys, got to download my app. It's the Crystalia app. You just type in Crystalia in the app store. You can get it on multiple phones and shit.

And you see some behind the scenes of congratulations. You see some behind the scenes of my lifestyle. I go live on there a little bit some of the time. And this episode is the first episode we've done in studio without the illustrious One Fire. So if this one goes very well, then maybe One Actually Fire. But we got the One Fire 2 filling in doing both One Fire 1 and One Fire 2 duties. So, yeah. And the reason why One Fire is out is because he's out

sick and he says he has the flu which is absolutely not true he doesn't have the flu he definitely just has some sort of sickness and is saying it is the flu how many times do people say oh yeah i got the flu and really they just have a sniffly nose and those people what are they mark ass bitches um but he said he has a bad cough and didn't want to be coughing uh in the background and every time he coughed me say one fire so anyway uh you can get your one fire shirts i think they're gone there might be a few left but um they're limited run we're just doing it for the fucking true babies um i got myself sent one and I wear it around. Oh, by the way, Juan Fire was on vacation over the past few days and spotted a baby out with a congratulations hat on. And he pointed to him and said, true baby.

And he said, oh, yeah, true baby. So it's very cool. Oh, and the other day I was at a coffee shop. You know I love going to coffee shops. And i saw a true baby out in the wild he said hey man i just want to let you know i'm a true baby and he showed me his phone and he had a sticker on the uh he had my sticker my silhouette on the uh on the phone so i said oh it's cool to see a baby out in the wild um so it was very cool and then that guy tweeted me he's an actor um i won't be able to find it now but uh shout out to that dude um good looking actor dude let me see if i

can find the tweet here uh he was his name is spencer mcpherson. So born on June 12th. Anyway, I don't know why you can say when you're born on your fucking Twitter, but you can. So you know what I've been doing lately? is falling asleep at night, waking up at about 8, and then hanging there and forcing myself to fall asleep again because why the fuck not? I'm on some downtime before I start my tour and all that shit. Before I start my tour and all that shit. And those, that hour and a half I sleep more on, I sleep more.

I have the most vivid, terrifying dreams. Like, I'll sleep for fucking six hours at night, wake up, and I'll be like, you know what? I'll just take a little bit more of some sleep. And then I do and welcome to hell. It's like, it's like I wake up at eight beautiful morning. Ah, let's sleep in. I don't have too much to do. All I really got to go do is go, go get a coffee. And I, and I zonk back out. And welcome to hell. I don't know what it is. I've been listening to fucking Sword and Scale or True Crime Garage.

Or watching some documentaries. Dude, I woke. And you know what also it is too? Dreams that aren't necessarily terrifying when you recite them to somebody like to wake up and you'd be like dude i had the most terrifying dream and you're and they're like what and then you're like i was like i was in this fucking office space and but it was like a warehouse and like my boss was like i'll be right back and then didn't and then didn't come back for a while, and like they were playing fucking, like these Willem Dafoe movies on a projector on the side of a wall, and you're like, yeah?

And you're like, yeah, and it was like lit weird, and you're like, oh, that's not terrifying, but it feels terrifying when you're there. You know, it feels like it was like the Blair Witch. It feels like found footage. Like, that's what it was like. So now when I try to recite to you my fucking dream that I had last night, and I had a terrifying one the night before too, but I don't remember it. But I remember this one.

And I'm going to tell it to you, and it's going to be not terrifying and boring as fuck, but it's very telling for us babies. So I'm going to tell it to you and it's going to be not terrifying and boring as fuck, but it's very telling for us babies. So I'm going to tell you guys what the dream was. So woke up at about eight, fell back asleep. Uh, and in the dream, all of a sudden somebody tells me, I don't remember who, but they were like, you need therapy. And I'm like, oh, okay, let's get there. Let's get therapy. What do I do?

Right? And I'm like, oh, okay. Let's get therapy. What do I do, right? So I get the fucking – so I get the info on the therapy. I don't know how. I don't remember how. But then I go to – I get the info and I got to go to this place in like Pasadena or like even past Pasadena. And that's where I used to go to actual therapy for real me when I was trying to figure out my shit. Just got more crazy. But, um, so I go to, I go to the place and it's like a, an all huge office building. And, and, uh, there's like, it's not, it's not, it's not just for me.

It's like a therapy for like a class. And I'm like, oh, well, what is this? And they're like, well, you just sit down and you'll see. And we sat there and we watched – I'm actually realizing that it's just like the dream I made up four minutes ago. I didn't even mean to. And we're watching a movie and there's like girls there in the class and also other guys. But like the girls are like really like hitting on me. Like so far, this is the least terrifying dream of all time.

This is just awesome. And they're like, hey, I'm 21. Like we should hang out after this. And I'm like, I don't think so. You know, like I'm 37. Like after this and i'm like i don't think so you know like i'm 37 like uh this is what i'm saying in the dream i'm like uh i don't know you know because i felt weird i felt like people were like trying to get something from me right and um and so one of the chicks there was like i know you not not as if i wasn't like necessarily somebody with fans

i was like she's like knew me from something else. Like we met once or knew somebody – knew me through another person. I probably wronged. So we watch this movie and it's like this movie and I'm – the whole time I'm looking around. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? I don't understand what this – this is not therapy, right? So I'm like maybe after the movie then we break off and then I get to have therapy, okay? But the movie is so long that I end up leaving, okay?

And I leave and then I hit the elevator and I get in the elevator. I go down to this garage level and I walk outside and I'm in this garage, like, you know, this office building garage thing with like a lot of spaces and it's pretty empty and i say hey man how the fuck this asian guy walks up really nice looking asian man and uh and he's and i was like hey man how the fuck do i get out of here what's the deal and he said and he slips and he says oh you, you, you, uh, you were here with the cult, right? And I was like, uh, uh, Oh. And then I realized that they were trying to fucking recruit me for a cult. And you know what, dude, I swear to God in my dream, it felt good to be wanted. And I'm not making that up.

In my dream, I was like, dude, this feels right. I'm not trying to be funny. I think it is funny, but I'm telling you the truth. And I was like, yeah, but I still think just based on principle, I got to get out of here, even though it felt right to be there. So I was like, he's like, I'll open the garage for you. So the garage opens up and I go out and then there's another dude on a motorcycle and he's like, hey, man, you just got to get out that way and go out that way. But hope to see you soon.

They were nice enough about it. Let me leave and shit. But then I woke up and I was like, you know what, dude? Cult saying that they they get a bad rap. They get a bad rap. but but this one doesn't the congratulations it's not a bit we're just we're chilling i we're we're trying to get fucked and sucked man this is hedonism we're out in a log cabin feeling grass man that's all it is we're not trying to fucking say the end is near i mean maybe it is but whatever we're trying to get fucked and sucked yeah so so that was my dream

and i don't know if it was interesting or not but i think it pertains to us babies i think it pertains to us my babies um yeah they gotta make you feel accepted though you know that's the thing and then they just turn on you on a fucking dime right they're just like oh everybody's beautiful we're all in this we're all we're all one if you just be and then all of a sudden they're like by the way fucking jump off a building and you're like what for the cult we love you go you're like okay that's hitting a car and then the car alarm going off you know the this the thing when when in the mood in the um what's the ice cube where he's like fuck car alarms uh i always thought he said, actually, wait, hold on. I think it's One Fire that said this.

Fuck Carl Loms. And they were trying to find out who the fuck Carl Loms was. How about, what are your fucking, you can tweet me, what are your favorite, what are your most fucked up lyrics that you thought that that were actual lyrics um uh that stupid fucking one about the uh uh tony danza tiny dancer one right isn't that in a movie or something? I don't know. Anyway, um, dude, I, I, I, I know this was a week ago. This was over a week ago,

but look at that one. We built this city on sausage rolls. I mean, come on, dude. We built this city on sausage rolls. Nobody thought that fat piggies thought that. Oh,

I like that song. Oh, oh, I like that song. I want to, uh, that one I've heard before. Excuse me while I kiss that song. Oh, I like that song. I want to. That one I've heard before. Excuse me while I kiss this guy. Excuse me while I kiss this guy.

Anyway. So this happened a week ago. The Fergie thing where I was talking about it online. Now, I did a video of it it's on instagram and i put it on youtube about like fergie like this is what we expect this is what we should have got i thought she fucking you know killed it because she she took a risk and like fuck you guys for being and people were like on the instagram story they got it because it was me saying it but i tweeted it also not the the video, just the words.

And people were like, what the fuck, bro? You make fun of everything. And now you're trying to tell us we can't make fun of Fergie? No. Let me tell you something right now. No. What I'm saying is you're being a fucking cuda just making fun of shit because other people are making fun of it. I'm making fun of shit because other people are making fun of it i'm making fun

of you okay it was her rendition of uh whatever it was uh the star spangled banner was uh was at at worst bad but come on dude she She did it in her Fergie way. What the fuck did you think was going to happen? Dude, that's the thing. If you... You got Fergie to do it. You got her to do it. That's like when Michael Jordan played baseball.

What the fuck did you expect? You assholes. Make fun of them. Sure. But like, don't. I mean, dude. And she apologized, dude. That was so wrong.

Fuck that. I wish I sang the Star Spangled Spanner badly by mistake. I would have said, hey, everyone in the everyone who's got a problem with my Star Spangled Banner shit, rub the front of your nose against my taint. Put your head down. Let me squat. I mean, get the fuck out of here, dude. You're being a cuda.

You can't just fucking make fun of some shit just because everyone else is making fun of it. You're a cuda. Hey, get in the fucking wagon. Get in the wagon, you cuda. You ain't shit. Be somebody making up your fucking shit. Come up with your own. Okay, fine.

Oh, yeah, it was bad. Oh, fine. But, dude, and this is her fault for apologizing but to force somebody to apologize get the fuck out of here everybody wants an apology dude you know what lay down put the back of your head on the ground let me squat that's what i want your fucking mouth to be doing on my taint i don't want it but you deserve it dude it's so annoying and then people and then people were like oh you're trying to get laid you're trying to fuck fergie huh hey what yeah dude yeah i'm trying to have sex with fergie That's why I said stop making fun of her.

You fucking cuda. Huh? What? Oh, dude, it was so dumb. I was like, oh, yeah, maybe if you took more risks, you wouldn't be sitting at a cubicle every day. And people were like, I work at a cubicle. I go to pay to see you. Shut up.

Shut up. You're offended. I don't give a fuck shut up dude it doesn't yeah oh i'm saying everybody that works at a cubicle is a fucking piece of shit no i'm obviously not saying that and obviously there's there's there's there's uh uh uh situations where you you Dude, here's the other thing. Too many people live out their fucking goddamn dreams. Hey, dude, if you have kids and you're 40, don't try and be a rapper. Take care of your kids. Get a job with benefits.

Put down the fucking microphone. You got responsibilities. Obviously, it's a case-by-case basis. There's too many people out there trying to be a goddamn poet. You're not a poet. Go to work. But it's like, dude, do i have to say everything no fill in the fucking blanks dude i'm not writing a novel i'm writing a screenplay there's a lot of white on that paper motherfucker fill it in everybody wants to fucking up.

They want an apology, dude. And that's, what's fucking up the world. And we know that now I, dude, it's like, we're starting to,

art is starting to get fucked because of apologies. Oh, well, we got to make it better. Let's make a movie that makes everything. Okay. What dude? Make a movie you want to make don't it's like the it's like oh you know when you hire someone as an actor in a movie it should be the best person for the job it it you

know i'm not saying hey if you're a fuck i'm like also you can make any movie you want to make you can make any movie you want to make these are companies that make any movie they want to make you know make black panther you want to make black panther that's awesome that's great culturally it's relevant and that's a fucking good thing to do and you know you're out there making uh celebrating you know african culture whatever the fuck, African culture, whatever you want to do. That's great. You make the movie. Good.

You get to do it. You get to do it. People go see it. Great. You make money. Fucking awesome. Okay. Good.

Good for everyone. People are getting mad at giving backlash to Jared Leto for playing a Yakuza or some shit. Like a white guy who goes to into goes to japan and starts playing making it they can make that movie if they want to make that movie they can make that movie if they want to make that movie it's a business dude it's a fucking business is it wrong you know whatever should they make movies about with more japanese people than them you know yeah but like it's not it's not it's it's i don't know i i guess i don't know enough about that situation here i go again talking out of turn i'm just one of you guys dude

it's just so it's like oh okay all right so here's another here's another example the the trans acting thing where it's like oh uh didn't jared leto played it in the fucking uh what's it called in uh the movie with matthew mcconaughey where he where he does the scene where he's crying for seven minutes dallas buyers club uh people People are mad when, oh, but he's not trans, so why is he playing trans? First of all, Jared Leto is a star. People are going to go see a movie for Jared Leto. Now, granted, there aren't many trans actors that are stars, and I understand that that's because the opportunities weren't afforded to them. But not many movies are made about trans people more now than ever, probably.

But, you know, if you want to get Jared Leto for a part, you get Jared Leto for a part because people are going to see a movie because it's Jared Leto. If Idris Elba wants to play a trans guy, he's going to get a lot of backlash. But people are going to go see a movie because it's Idris Elba. I don't know. I don't think I'm on the... I don't know it's just like get the best guy for the part get the best guy for the fucking part

if that guy happens to be trans then use that guy but then there is that whole thing about how oh yeah they haven't had the opportunities and this and that I get it but if you're a trans actor playing trans parts, you're not...

There aren't that many parts. It's hard to... It's hard to become a star with a fan base that then is a draw because of that. Because there aren't that many movies like that. But only recently has it even been accepted and it's still not accepted in a lot of part of the world you know whatever

i don't know i'm fucking kind of trailing off but i think you get my point uh it's like a it's like if if an actor what was the other one uh um matt bomer i think was going to play a trans person and i think that they they like all these these groups like petition for him to not be it and i don't even know if they're making the movie anymore what if they wanted a masculine guy and and and it was and they wanted him to be as masculine as matt bomer and there wasn't and and and the other people that they were and matt bomer's a star i did whatever the the argument ends when when when you're like oh the guy's a star though and people are gonna go see the movie because of that anyway um what was i fucking gonna talk

about there was something in there i was gonna talk about oh yeah oh yeah that was the thing i was trying to talk about this is fer a Fergie backlash. People were just fucking mad, dude. And here's the other thing, too. Chris Rock was talking at his special about how the main problem with everybody's relationship is they stop fucking. Because if you're in the beginning, those problems that you have now, you had them in the beginning. You were just fucking and not dealing with the problems, which is hilarious. It's a fucking really funny bit. But I think that that pertains to also people are getting mad about shit because they have

nothing to do. They're at their fucking shit jobs or they're with their family and they don't want to fucking be there and so or their life or even worse their life is boring as fuck they don't they're not only they don't even live in the city they want to live in so they're online living vicariously through all this other shit and they're like you know what that's right this is wrong i'm going to tweet about it and you're not even fucking actually mad about it you're just fucking saying stuff you're literally saying blah blah blah blah and then sometimes it becomes a movement and it ends careers

whatever it is you know um I don't know but it's but that Fergie thing was just like oh Jesus Christ come on it's interesting too to see how quickly these things go away like like

oh by the way I'm not talking about the me too thing that that thing is real and that that was horrible that is horrible um the the what what these women have been through that's fucking awful that's not one of the movements i was fucking talking about but um like these things go away like like which is which is like like, like, um, there was a guy, I don't care. Oh yeah. It was David Copperfield. Like they, somebody was saying like, oh, he, he got, um, uh, he groped or something or something, a few, one or two women and it for one day and then everyone forgot about

it. And, uh, that's's that's not good either if that's real like that that's but they it goes away david coffey accused of assaulting team model after impassioned plea not to be judged uh it's weird that uh that that that that these things will come out in one day and then go away the next day. Although, when bigger news happens, it's how it does it. Like the school shooting took over everything, you know? God. All right, I'm trailing off here. let me do a fucking ad and then i'll um

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I got in one of these rabbit holes and just kind of like clicked on a photo of this chick that had the hot body and all that shit and the fake lips and uh she had like nine million followers or something and i i love looking at this shit because like this one said hey like the it's like the top her bio was like recording artist and it's like stop you do porn it's all good but you do porn i was talking to this person once a long time ago and she was trying to describe to me about this girl that she met. And she's like, I met this porno actress. And I was like, who? And she's like, forget her name. And she's like, I remember.

And she Googled her. And she showed me her Instagram. And I was like, oh. I was like, does she do porn? And she was like, well, yeah, look. And she showed me her Instagram. And I was like, I don't think she does actual porn, does she? And she was like, well well what would you call this and she just actually

didn't wasn't joking she was like well this is porn and i was like dude that's so funny that like she i was like you're right like she's a she's basically a porn actress and that's fine. But like she, like you don't like, that's what you are. You're, you're, you're, you're porn actress. You're not a recording artist. Eat the porn. And, um, it made me laugh. And then I started thinking about it and these profiles are just like, let me just, dude,

I'm, this is this is an announcement here. If you've got millions and millions of followers and you're showing your tits and ass, most of your followers are guys, okay? This is a blanket statement, but most of your followers are guys now i'm talking about 90 to 95 percent at least of your followers are guys therefore you're you're not marketing the people think oh these people who have millions of followers are making millions of dollars you're not marketing towards women. And you're certainly not trying to sell motorcycles to men or like baseball gloves or whatever the fuck men like. Okay. So you're making your money fucking.

Money fucking. If you don't have a job, an actual job where you clock in and clock out and you make money, if you don't have a fucking album, if you don't have a podcast, if you don't have a fucking. You're you're I want you. These are hookers. These are people. If they're flying all around the world, they're not models and they're just doing their own photo shoots. They're most likely making money fucking guys.

And, and, and, and here's the thing. That's not, I don't even give a shit. If some, if you want to make money, fucking guys or prostitution, that's do it. I don even give a shit. If you want to make money fucking guys or prostitution, that's – do it. I don't give a fuck. Who cares? I don't judge. What I can't stand is somebody pretending something that they're not. Okay?

That's what I can't stand. You don't get to – it's like you don't get injections in your ass and fucking – and the tummy tucks and shit and then tout fitness. That's fucked up and it fucks up other people trying to do what they're trying to do and they think that they could fucking do it and they can't do it because you got fat injected. Yes. Because you got fat injected, yes. So these young girls or whatever are seeing these other women with 10 million followers. They're trying to get followers. And they think, oh, I'm going to fucking be rich like these people. But the reason why these girls have money is because they're fucking 65-year-old men on yachts. That's why they have money is because they're fucking 65 year old men on yachts. That's why they have money.

You're not fucking marketing. Who are they? Who are they marketing? Some of these, some of these Instagram models, they, they're, they're selling detox tea. They're pretending that they have deals. Who's buying detox tea? Men? No. Women? Who? If you have 10 million followers and you're showing your tits and your pussy, men are following you, not women. Men are following you. So if 5% of your followers are women out of, out of 10 million. You do, you do, you do the fucking math. So, so who's paying detox tea is paying for this shit. No, you know, who's paying for it. The guy inside you, the guy squirting inside you, the guy squirting inside you on a patio, on a veranda. That's who's paying for you. The guy squirting inside you on a veranda. that's who's paying for you the guy squirting inside you on a veranda and I don't give a fuck if you're making money

hand over fucking dick I don't give a fuck do it get that money but don't say you're a fucking recording artist because you're not making money being a recording artist you're making money getting squirted inside you

and on you and in you now i get it you don't have to be like hey i'm a hooker here are my rates on instagram because that's gross as shit to nine-year-olds following you but don't say you're a fucking magician. Okay? Just so weird, man. Like, think about it. And then these idiots are like, oh, man. One ticket for inside your pussy. You know, these like Persian dudes and fucking, oh, I would love to press play on your pussy, BB.

These idiots, you know? Or whoever the fuck like oh so beautiful some guy in minnesota so beautiful most beautiful woman in the world no yo dude come on love your music or some shit no come on man shut the fuck up you you're not – talk about wanting to get laid online. Dude, just like – I want to say you're not fooling anybody, but you are fooling people. That's the thing. Whose fault is it? Is it their fault or is it the fucking idiot's following them fault? That's what I don't know. That's what I can't figure out myself.

It's a little bit of both. But I think ultimately it comes down to the person doing it. I always think it comes down to the person doing it. I always think it comes down to the person doing it. Like you have some sort of a responsibility for the human race. Like a lot of these comedy videos are just so bad on Instagram. And I want to be like, who are these idiots that like this shit? But it all comes down to the person making it, dude. It all comes down to the person making it. Try harder. Try harder.

Try harder. If you're going to make a well-produced video for laughs, try harder. Unless you're just going to fucking run and gun it. Like, you know. I don't use lighting on my shit. I think Instagram is corny like that if you fucking do shoots for it and all that shit. But for me, I'll be like, oh, that's funny. And I'll record it and all that shit but like for me i'll be like oh that's funny and i'll record it and then fucking put it on and i think it's funny but i

didn't even it's like you just try to you just did it quickly if you like it great if not fine but this is what social media is for me it's not my it's not my source of income you know uh it's to grow the the cult and streamline this fucking baby shit. Yeah, man. I just like... Make no mistake. These women who have 10 million followers on Instagram and no job, make no mistake. They are hookers.

That's it. Case closed. That's it. There's no beyond that. They fuck for paper. There's no beyond that. Oh, you made a music video? That's cool,

but you make money hooking, yeah, unless you got like a fucking start, you know, like that, like, you know, who,

you know, who's a good example of fucking make, she has a business now, is that, that Lexi Panteras girl, who was twerking and shit, and everyone followed her, because her ass was moving, I think she, but, but I think she had a business now is that uh that lexi panteras girl who was twerking and shit and everyone followed her because her ass was moving i think she but but i think she had a business before that like a dance like she's obviously a professional she's good at she's good at something she's good at dancing and now she's coming out with music and shit and whatever you know it's like

i can't tell the difference between good music and bad music anymore anyway when it comes to pop. So, you know, sounds professional to me. But, you know, she... But it's funny though because when you get known for something, which she got known for shaking her ass, people... Like I looked at one of her music videos. This is not who I was talking about, by the way. That's her, but this is not who I was talking about originally.

She, like I looked at her YouTube channel and shit and all the comments, like some assholes are just like, I came here to watch you shake your ass. You didn't even do it. Like, how fucking sad can you be, guy? Like, just come on, dude. Like, I don't know i don't know twerk twerking millions of fucking hits from twerking at least you can do she can do something though it's like i don't know uh i got an argument with my dad the other day not an actual argument we get in my family is uh my family is we get in all we do is get

into dumb and silly arguments like and we love it we have fun doing it and i have an uncle here's here's what it's like i have my dad and then i have an uncle vinny which i actually have an uncle vinny from new jersey you know and then i have an uncle richard and all we do is so my uncle vinny has two fucking wallets he's crazy the he has two wallets he has one for singles and one for the other money and i was like why do you have two wallets and he's like because if i need to get singles i I just grab in this side. But if I need bigger bills, I grab on this side. And I'm like, well, just put them together. It's way less work.

You don't have to sit on two fucking wallets. And he was like, he's like, if I need to tip, I just go into this wallet. And then what was the thing that he said, though? He's got two wallets. I can't remember the funny part, which is why I started talking about it. Now I fucking forget it. Jesus Christ. Anyway, he's crazy.

He's like, he buys everything from infomercials. Like, everything. Like, he gets this digest, it's good for digestion. Like these, these drinks, like they're like, I don't remember what they're called, but he drinks them cause he overeats and he's like, ah, this way I can eat whatever I want and then drink one of these and I feel okay. And my dad's like, why don't you just fucking not overeat? And he was like, yeah i mean i could

do that but also i could just also eat and then drink this and i feel fine and my dad's like all right let me try one of those and he tried one and my dad's like i don't feel i don't feel any different you know and my uncle vinny's like because you didn't fucking overeat like this these are the conversations we get into like that's the argument and my dad's like because you didn't fucking overeat like this these are the conversations we get into like that's the argument and my dad's like yeah because you're not supposed to fucking overeat that's like a typical conversation if we're all together so he so my dad was talking about i i i said i called him a whenever i say bald-faced liar, I don't know if it's bald-faced liar or bold-faced liar. So I always do, I marry the two.

I say bald-faced liar. Well, you can't tell. I'm also from the East Coast because maybe I'm just saying bald-faced like bald-faced. Or maybe I'm saying bald-faced like a West Coast because maybe i'm just saying bald face like bald face or maybe i'm saying bold face like a west coast dude and i'm saying bold face right because i i'm east coast born but west coast raised just like tupac so so we were talking and i said well well he said no my dad said no it's it's i don't even remember which one he was saying it was but he was like like, it's bald-faced liar. And I was like, which one? And he was like, let me Google it. And he Googled it, and he starts reading it.

And this article, dude, I don't remember what the fuck. Here it is. I told him to text it to me. Link. Is it bald-faced or bald-faced lie? So it's on mentalfloss.com. And my dad's reading this, and he reads me this like he's right. Now, listen to how—we were confused beforehand.

But listen to this. Listen to how—this is maybe the most confusing thing I've ever— I've never had an explanation that made you more confused than this, okay? that made you more confused than this, okay? There is often confusion about which word, bald or bold, is the correct one in this particular idiom. But fret no more, we now have the definitive answer. They're both acceptable.

Okay, now I don't know. First of all, no. It's one or the other because it's not what's acceptable. It's who made it and who said it at first. One fired two with the cough. But who made it up is what it is. It's like all of a sudden people start calling people CODA instead of CUDA. Well, they're both acceptable.

No, it's CUDA. Okay. Okay. Most sources agree that the original expression coined in the late 1600s listen how fucking convoluted and confusing this gets was actually barefaced lie so first of all it's something that has nothing to do with uh it's it's a whole nother word okay barefaced lie now at the time check this out dude We were crying laughing so hard. I was so mad at my dad because he was trying to act like this was in support for him. At the time, bare meant brazen or bold.

Okay. So, all right. Let me just keep reading. So, the late 1600s was actually bare-faced lie. At the time, bare meant brazen or bold. The late 1600s was actually barefaced lie. At the time, bare meant brazen or bold. At that time in history, almost all men sported a full set of whiskers, and it was considered quite daring or even audacious for a male to be clean-shaven or barefaced. Eventually, the word for hairless went from bare to bald, and so did the description of a blatant fib.

Okay. All right. Are you listening to this dude boldface is now considered acceptable as well since bold has the same meaning as bear originally did dude this is so confusing this isn't explaining shit also it can technically refer to a falsehood that appears in print at a in a bold typeface dude come on the easiest way out of this maze of idioms obviously is to simply tell the truth at all times dude all right so look come on the confusion bold or bold so here's the deal it is bold this is what it's basically

saying it is bold to have a bare face which is bald that's what this is saying in the 1600s it was if you were bare-faced I'm legitimately fucked. This is like Inception. This is like the moment where Leonardo DiCaprio and his fucking guys are falling off the bridge in the car and it's all slow motion. You're like, whoa. Bare face, bald face, bold. It's bold to be bald. Oh, fuck my ass, dude. Are you shitting me?

I'm never, I said, this is how we ended the conversation. I'm never saying it again. I'm saying you're a liar. You lied to my face. I would never, I will never say bold face lie or bald face lie ever fucking again because fuck this shit, dude. And it's all your own fault. It's all your fault. If you like that expression, never say it again. We as true babies, we don't say that shit. It's too confusing. What is it?

This is the shit that matters, dude. Not the Fergie shit. This is the shit that matters, dude. Not the Fergie shit. This is the shit that matters. This is how it got all untethered. Oh, boy. Anyway. We got into that kind of thing. family my whole family we're all like that that's how we show love is to get into the arguments like that it's it's literally some of my happiest times quite literally i'm i'm happiest when i'm doing that with my family and i've been in relationships before where the the girl doesn't

get that and they come from like i've dated a girl a long time ago where anytime her family was arguing it was like the worst thing in her life which you know is horrible if you grow up like that but but whenever we would do that she would have like like this PTSD shit and she was like – she would like get bummed out and it sucked because it was like a fundamental difference between the two of us. And we could – and she was just like – I don't know. I mean that didn't ultimately lead to us breaking up but it was just like a red flag because like I love doing that, man. Arguing is my favorite in a fun way way i hate doing it in a real way but like that's all we do my dad dude every time every he's gonna be 70 and every time we have the birthdays come around same time in march but he'll he, this is another thing we did.

He said last night, he was like, I'm going to be 71. And I'm, and I say, what are you, you're going to be 70. And he says, no, but listen, when you're zero and you're born, that's your first year of life. So you're one. And then when you're one, you're two. So I'm going to be 71 technically technically and he does it every fucking year and i say dad i know i know that i know that i'm not disagreeing with you but you say it all the time and it's corny as fuck and and what do you want me to do when you say that i agree with you and he says but people but that's not what we are you know but we're all one a one year older than we are and i say okay all right man what the fuck

do you want to do about it now and he says okay well just saying you're a one year older and and and and he does it every and then-older. And he does it every... And then my mom's like, oh, he does this every year. He doesn't do it every year. He does it every time there's a fucking birthday around. I'm not six. It doesn't entertain me. But what does entertain me is grilling him about it.

My uncle's got two wallets. Why the fuck do you have two wallets? It's way easier, he says, you got my my dollar bills in one if i need to tip somebody i said what if you want to go to the fucking titty bar he says well i haven't been there in 30 years i said to put the fucking dollar bills in your one pocket um what's another one we would get into? Oh, man. And the more kids people have, the more the conversation becomes. Like, now I got a cousin. He's like fucking 23 now. My Uncle Richard's son, who's my cousin.

And now he's involved in the fucking arguments. It's great. Oh, man. One time my dad, we were playing fuck this was when the hell was this long time ago we were playing uh what's that fucking game where you put the phone up to the thing and heads up yeah and uh one higher um we don't need one fire um and it was magician and my dad didn't know what to say so he just goes he goes like this you're gonna have to see it on the video but it goes like this uh uh and he goes and dude we cried laughing for um a week i mean dude the game was over after that he goes uh that was his fucking presto shit as a musician musician magician and hey by the way man musician and magician

change it call it something else it's too close but dude we fucking were laughing dude and then in that same game he he tripped and fell and hurt himself and dude we oh god damn it why is it so funny when somebody falls and hurts themselves man one time i was in high school and this girl she was so hot i always thought she was so hot but she was one of those girls that was not popular but like you know that girl god that girl's amazing in high school the girl that's like super beautiful but not popular and the and you're in high school and you're like why is she not the most popular girl and you're like i can't be the only does anybody notice she's taller than. What's the deal with the... How come she's got the long, flowy hair?

You guys don't... And the jeans look good. What's the deal with the... And everyone's just like, yeah, but she gets A's. And you're like, yeah, but she's... All right. And they just let her go,

walk around, no, no, no, and they just let her go walk around no and no no just unfucked every all the high school kids what was it and then and then she comes back and then you go away to college and you come back and she comes back and you're like hey hey you see and you're like i knew motherfucker i knew it man you let her go unfucked, and now she's got the fucking studliest boyfriend in college, and we all fucked up. Dude, you could have married her. Right?

So I saw her. Man, what was her name? I remember I tried to look her up afterwards. She was like two years younger than me maybe. I don't remember her name at all. But she was like two years younger than me maybe i don't remember her name at all but she was running first of all if you're in high school and you run anywhere you're a fucking dork and that sucks because i always want to get where i'm going quick but don't run dude i got a buddy you have that buddy well i'm going off crazy here, but my buddy Ian Edwards, the comedian, who's hilarious.

Check him out. I can't even imagine this motherfucker running. This guy walks only. I swear to God, somebody could be chasing him with a machete, and he would be like, if it's my time if it's my time it's my time but this guy walks when he's in trouble when he's i mean also people who end up walking a lot though they never get in trouble though man right anyway they're just because it's like the it's the attitude that they exude that surrounds them and they're like i ain't running for shit uh anyway uh so so she was running which is probably why everyone just let her go around

all unfucked and shit you know in high school but but she was uh running around running around, running around. And, uh, she was running towards for lunch, like going to the car and she fucking fell hard. And she was holding a lunchbox too. I mean, she was like a junior. I don't know why she was holding a lunchbox, but maybe it was like to be ironic or cute, or maybe it was one of the reasons why she wasn't popular she's running holding a lunchbox you know and uh she fell and like skinned her knee and i and i wanted to laugh because it's so funny when people fall but she she just she did the thing this was way before family guy when she was just like ah ah you know what i'm talking about the fucking where peter griffin does that and she just ow ow, ow, ow. She couldn't help it, but she was around too many people.

But she was just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And she couldn't help it. And I didn't help her. And I'm bad. I should have helped her. But I didn't want to help her because I didn't want her to think that I was trying to, like, do her, you know? How weird is life? There's all this fucking bullshit that's going on in your head

that stops you from being a good person or bad person and you're not even doing what you want to do. How weird is life? I didn't help her because I didn't want to look like I didn't want to fuck her. Or like I wanted to fuck her. I'd be like, ah, she could do it. She's probably not too hurt. I'm just just gonna be a good guy and not help her fuck is wrong with everything so she fell i don't know why i started talking about falling but uh

uh anyway okay We're at... We're getting there. So I'm going to do... I'm going to do... I think I have a good most fucked up... Let me look. Let me look at this. Because I think I have a good most fucked up Instagram post of the week.

Yep. Oh, wow. I got a good one. This is one of the best. You guys ready for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week? The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. All right, you guys. This is one of the best ones ever. And I saved this and I went, oh, all right.

Oh, all right. This is a picture of a guy. It's a selfie. He's got his fucking earphones in and he's wearing sunglasses and a scarf and a really high jacket with a collar. So and sunglasses and we've got a fresh cut and therefore he's super cool. This is the comment. Oh, and the sun's peeking in. The sun's peeking in over his face, it looks like.

Very cinematic. This filter is called, this is what it says. This filter is called Rise. As of 2018, that's all I have done. Risen to the occasion, showed up, put in the work, and continued to rise above all

obstacles and difficulties. Crazy how when this photo was taken on a sunny day last week, the rays from the sun were shining ever so perfectly into the photo as if to say, conquer today. And that's exactly what I did.

Every day is yours to conquer and seek how you so desire. He doesn't talk like this. That's the best part. and seek how you so desire. He doesn't talk like this. That's the best part. Seek how you so desire. Hey, you're on Game of Thrones, you fuck boy. The question is, what are you willing to sacrifice and how hard are you willing to work for it?

Ah. Oh, of course, and I went to his account. And, of course, he works out all the time had no idea but he does unbelievable unbelievable unbelievable dude unbelievable so boring to be like that you know Motherfuckers things that just make me want to go Ah You know that old CNC Music Factory song Things that make you go hmm

I got things that make you go ah Ah Things that make you go ah Gonna make you ah till you bleed Is that dope enough Indeed Ah Let's go to twitter questions alexis

arabia emily radichowski getting married how do you feel about that yeah man well here's how i feel about it now i i actually didn't realize how much i've talked about her on the podcast until she got engaged or did she get married or engaged she got married huh um and then people were like oh no chris leah you're heartbroken i was like what and then i was like i guess i've talked about her a lot but that's just like i think i just talk about her because i don't know how to pronounce her last name and i'm not going to learn and so therefore she is emily radita chowski um but uh yeah and then I looked into it and I saw the guy that she married. Hey, oh, she married fucking Snow. Informer. You know, say let me say I can blame.

I let you boom, boom down. I take the van and say say let me say I can blame. Emily Reddick, Tchaikovsky. Informer. Remember that song? So many of you don't. Informer. You know, say let me say I can blame. I let you boom, boom down. I take the van and say say let me say I can blame. So many of you don't And then people will be like

You know what that song's about He stabbed someone once And he's admitting it But he's doing it in reggae So you don't know Ah, ah Things that make you go Ah

Come on, dude. Nothing is more fucking 12 year old New Jersey than being like, you know what that song's about? He stabbed someone and he's admitting it, but he didn't want the cops to find out. So he sang it in reggae. In farm, you know, like you slow it down and it's going to be like, I stabbed someone in the alley. Yum.

I stabbed someone in an alley. Don. I stabbed someone in an alley. Don't tell anyone. The case isn't closed. Informer. You know, I like to keep them down. Anyway, Emily Reda Tachowski married Snow.

And the guy has a blonde beard and really dope. He looks like he'd be in Color Me Bad. He looks like he'd be in a reboot of Color Me Bad. And, you know, maybe he's the sexiest guy in the world. I don't know. I haven't met him. Maybe when you meet him, he's just like, nah, nah. Like no matter what you suggest, he's just like, nah.

And you're like, oh, God damn. I got to suck that guy's dick, you know. nah like no matter what you suggest he's just like nah and you're like oh god damn i gotta suck that guy's dick you know but um he he he he his face is the same color as his his face is blonde do you know i mean when you have a blonde face you're either you're either girls either think you're so ugly or you're the sexiest guy they've ever seen. If you have a blonde face, just go like this a lot. Nah. And you will squirt so much.

He got Emily Greta Tchaikovsky. Now, they were dating for three weeks and then got married. This is what I learned. Not going to work out. It made me bummed, though,med though because like don't get married after three weeks it's sad you're just gonna get gonna get divorced soon you're not gonna get divorced you're gonna get annulled but it's just like i don't know we're all lost anyway so fuck it i was married and divorced but i didn't get married after three weeks i got married after two years and then broke up got divorced two years later and then i was like

informer you know say that let me say i can blame i like you boom down that part i like you boom down you know he stabbed somebody oh yeah cool even as an 11 year old i was like oh yeah nice cool yeah arrest him also there's all these rappers talking about yo i fucking killed that motherfucker arrest that guy he snows not even fucking doing it full out with rap he's doing it with reggae he's like not even really saying it uh see ya um yeah dude it's it's you know you can't get married after three weeks of knowing somebody because it's 2018 you can only get married three weeks in if it's 1930 you'll be like oh yeah my grandpa met her you everyone knows this story yeah Yeah, my friend's grandpa met the grandma. And three days later, they got engaged.

And then a week later, they got married. What? Really? Yeah. When? Oh, April 12th, 1904. You're like, oh, yeah. Times were different back then.

Fucking women could barely vote. And also, there was slavery this is much different it was the it was the most ah time of all time uh have you seen this fucking benny hinn guy colin mcdonald tweeted me will you be blessing babies into the cult benny hinn style at your shows. Hoping for a Boston date. It'd be really funny. I am going to come to Boston.

It'll be in the fall. But I haven't posted it or solidified it yet. But yeah, man. This guy, Benny Hinn, whapping people with his blazer. Whapping. Just fucking taking the blazer and whapping people. And then the guy in the red shirt.

Dude, just getting fucking nailed. And then just falling down. So unnecessary, all of this shit. Look at the guy in the red. He's the best. The guy in the red is the best. Wow. It makes it even funnier that...

Hold on. It makes it even funnier that I think he's the only black guy right is he black yeah that's the best because he's like oh man i gotta fit in with these white folks maybe he's not maybe he's just other either way i like to imagine him as the only black guy that's like oh man i gotta do what these white motherfuckers are doing. Wow. I guess we could wrap it up, huh? What? Oh, right, right, right. We're on higher.

Okay. Here we go. We have... This is the elder, right? That guy? We have a new elder. I didn't know what this guy was doing. I thought it was weird, but then just looking at it at first, I was like, what is this guy doing?

But then I realized how awesome it was. This is a real baby spreading the word of congratulations on his own time and his own dime. Now, we never suggest people need to put their money into the cult. You want to do that, that's your own thing. But this guy went above and beyond. And he is an elder now. Keith Richardson. At Keith Rich 419 he's been a big fan a true baby always asking questions gaming the system this is this is the thing that really got me though man he he got a

bunch of congratulations congratulations stickers made by him doing it had nothing to do with me nothing to do with me uh and mailed them out to anyone who wanted them using his own money and time he's spending to do this so thank you keith we'll dm you uh with the details and we'll get you your certificate and pin you are an elder of the cult and uh and also um you know i'm sure this is a limited thing don't be all fucking hitting him up asking him for stickers now but uh yeah man really cool put up a little picture of it while he's watching my special that guy thank you man thank you for trying to spread this fucking word um of this cult uh to the tweet reads after a few hours and a really tired hand i finished getting the stickers ready to send out.

Expect to see them soon. Still have plenty left, so hit me up if you want one. There you go. And also, let me know if you get one. Tweet them to me. I want to see what they look like and where you stick them. You also get stickers of my bullshit if you order anything online on my site. A sticker comes with it, but not that sticker.

So if you want that sticker, you got to hit him up. All right. SquareCash. Have you switched yet? Download the free SquareCash app. Enter the rewards code congrats, get $5, and give $5 to Time's Up. Get it for iOS or Android now. You got to get my app, the Chris D'Elia app.

See some behind the scenes of the podcast and also some of the shit on my daily life. Follow the leader. My new tour. Buy tickets at chrisd'elia.com. Tallahassee, Florida. Orlando. Charleston. Pittsburgh.

Dayton. Huntsville. Nashville. Denver. Boise. Cleveland. A lot of them are either sold out or almost sold out. I know Denver is almost gone.

I think there's a few tickets left for Orlando, and some of them are gone. Go check, though. They're going. I'm adding like Red Bank, New Jersey, and I'm adding a bunch of other ones. I'm adding some East Coast ones, Delaware, Baltimore, I think. I'm trying to get shot, so I'm going to those areas. I think trying to get shot. So I'm going to those areas.

Um, and then I'm adding Tulsa and some other weird shit. I just got emailed, uh, Tulsa and Dallas and okay. See, all right. And then watch my shit on Netflix and send me screenshots or pictures of you watching it or whatever. And then that's about it, I guess.

I think I might be on The Good Doctor. I'm on one more episode of The Good Doctor. I think it's tonight. I'm on one more episode of the Good Doctor. I think it's tonight. I'm not sure. But video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays. So thanks for that. And then something's happening, babies. You guys are making this cult grow.

Our numbers have been getting more and more. So I really appreciate you. And I'll see you at a show. Go to ChrisTalia.com. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. Congratulations. You're proud of a motherfucker.