Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 58. Back In Black

Episode Date: March 6, 2018

It's the 58th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about auditioning in Hollywood. Also discussed: great Jay Z lyrics, Akon, being sick, mispronouncing Russell Westbrook, road rage stories, and people with bad senses of humor. We have a new elder today, TMFUIPOTW, and of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I know that maybe people would think that that's not okay, but it's how we do it here at the podcast. I would say people. That's what Kevin Hart always says. Hey, people. Sounds a little bit like you're people. If you call people people, it makes it sound like we're animals, even though you're saying people. do you know what I mean, so, yeah, we're here, man, dude, I was sick for

like two days, almost, just knocked me the fuck out, everyone's getting the flu, everyone's getting sick, and I woke up. I felt bad on Friday. And then I woke up Saturday and I was like, oh, it's going to be one of those things that's just this bad. And I woke up on Saturday and then I didn't. All day I felt like whatever. Like, eh. And then I went to the comedy store, did my set, came home, started feeling like, eh. But I was like, ah, it's just because it's nighttime.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and I'm going to go gangbusters. I woke up on Sunday with 102 fever. Ah, my brain was frying. So I was doing that for a day and then woke up the next day with a hundred fever knocked it down two fucking degrees with just some bed rest and chilling and watching the first 20 minutes on stuff of stuff on hulu and netflix and amazon prime and then giving up on it and trying something new and then i woke up the next day and bada b next day and I'm loving it because I'm all better. And that's the next day.

It was yesterday. And then today is the whole new day. So I'm chilling and I'm good. And this thing, people were getting the flu for like seven days. One fire had it for like a week and a half. Get out of here, dude. I fucking, my shit was like, hey, what's up? Nice to meet you.

My shit was like how you treat the Census Bureau when they come to your door or like Jehovah's Witness. Hi, we'd like to talk, or no, no, Mormon missionaries. Hi, we'd like to talk to you about, oh, really? Gunk. That's what I said to the flu, dude. Hey, no, no, antibodies are the good thing. Hey, bacteria, what's going on?

Dude, do me a favor. Turn around. Gunk. That's what I did to my bacteria. My antibodies were fucking straight up killing them. I don't even know if that's right. I'm medical, though, dude. I'm fucking really medical.

I'm fucking really medical. So you know what I did? Because I kept fucking killing it when I was sick. I kept being like this. I'm sick, baby. But – and then to make myself feel better, I would just go. Fuck yeah, dude. How could you be sick? That's the thing, dude.

I had 102 fever, and I go like this. To myself, I'd be like, oh, man, I don't feel so well. Oh, dude, I don't know what's going on, man. I don't know. I don't feel too well i'm all stuffed up but fuck it dude and i'd have a headache but i got up anyway dude and i did this shit and you think i don't dance dude alone i fucking dance alone in my bedroom because i'm that motherfucker dude i would be like oh i mean i had my body

wasn't achy that's the thing dude the two worst things about being sick and having the fever having a fever not the fever because i'm not a foreign exchange student did you have the fever um is are the chills dude that shit will kill you bro and and the banging ass and and the banging ass body aches dude those are the worst but i had a fucking mild to hardcore headache wasn't like the worst headache i ever had and then a little bit of um chill i had some chills but then not bad mucus so i was like my body was like gunking the fucking bacteria and i knew it was dude because i'd be like oh man i remember when i was talking about if if something hit me in the head i would pretend i'd be knocked out for a little bit for like seven minutes and that just to be dramatic for myself that's what the sickness was i was like oh man i don't

really feel good i don't really know what's going on, dude. Oh, man, I wonder how long this is going to last. But anyway, fuck it, bitch. To nobody. My dogs are looking at me. What's up, Butters, you fucking bitch ass? You ain't shit. Oh, man, I don't feel good, Sam.

You guys think I'll make it another day I'm coughing and shit but anyway you fucking bitches I'm your fucking dad I'm your fucking dad and you can't live without me dogs literally you need someone to pour your fucking food out for you otherwise

you die and me even though I'm sick dude this is only gonna last a day but anyway it's all just like fucking you fucking bitch-ass dogs you die without me and that shit made me better dude you really did it made me better dude it's all in the mind man how about when people tell you how much it's in the mind it's's not really that much in the mind, though. Because, like, you fracture your fucking, what's the fucking thing? I was going to say fibula, but is tibia, tibia, fibula? How many bones rhyme with ibia?

Whatever. If you fracture a fucking ibia bone, that's not in your mind. I don't know. But the truth is, what did we learn dude health is wealth and when people say that one murder them but it's the truth man health is wealth man because that's the thing i was talking about this with with uh one of my buddies and i was like you know what when you're sick on your back you're just like dude i don't give a fuck about anything. I don't care about money.

I don't care about fucking getting laid. Like, dude, when you're sick, guys will know what I'm talking about. First of all, how horny are guys all the time? Just period. Yeah, true. Of course. That's just how it is. Well, guys, all right.

But when you're sick, dude, you are not like whatever the most hottest girl could come up to you and be like, I was just thinking, did you want to do the horizontal mambo? And you'd be like, no, I'm sick, darling. But you don't give a fuck about anything when you're sick, dude. And that's how you know you're and then you're just like oh health is wealth but then but then when you fucking um what do you call it when you when you get when you get um when you get better dude because you're like health is wealth money doesn't matter chicks don't matter family only the only thing that matters is family i hope they're okay and you're getting emotional and shit but then as soon as you get better dude

and you're like let's make this fucking money how dumb is the mind you know you literally that's what I do. And then I go like this. And I just roll to the coffee bean and I'm like, let's make this money. But there's no money to be made of coffee bean, but that's how I feel, though. What are they saying in that song? North Carolina and South Carolina, South Carolina

and North Carolina, just saying all sorts of Carolinas. But that's the thing, though, dude. When you get better, you're like, health is wealth, but also, let's make this fucking money. What does he say right here?

Okay. He's saying so many places. North Carolina, New York, Virginia, South Carolina, Mississippi, Mississippi, Alabama, Okay. Sang so many places. Dude, you know what? I was listening. You know how you listen? The best Jay-Z lyric.

I know we talk about Jay-Z a lot. Forget it, dude. First of all, he goes, what's the fucking one where he goes, oh, I was listening to this song. And he's just like, get out your good ditches like it's Thanksgiving dinner. What is that one? Get out your good ditches like it's Thanksgiving. Oh, I heard that shit. I couldn't believe it.

And now I fucking don't have it anymore. Look up Thanksgiving dishes for Jay-Z. Don't let me die. It's an R. Kelly one. It's the song. This is how I'm going to refer to R. Kelly. It's the song with Jay-Z and the guy who pees on chicks. It's big chips.

Okay, I can't repeat it because it's got the N word in it. Get out your good dishes, it's something like it's Thanksgiving. Or something is my favorite part. Get out your good dishes, it's something like it's Thanksgiving. Or something. Get out your good dishes like it's Thanksgiving. why didn't he say it like that oh cause it rhymed with coming oh dude

so good you don't understand dude when I'm in the car and I hear shit like this by myself I go get out your good dishes like thanksgiving get out your good dishes like thanksgiving so disrespectful get out your good dishes like some fucking Thanksgiving. He's rapping.

Anyway, I'm fucking back in black, dude. I'm better. And I'm going to Cleveland tomorrow. Took a flight out to Cleveland like I seen it. Too far. Took a flight out to Cleveland like I seen it. Tupac. Tupac was the only rapper that would rhyme something that already rhymes with something more than it rhymes. Cleveland rhymes with evening, kinda, already. But he'd be like,

Made it rhyme more, already rhymed. kinda already, but he'd be like clean and nothing. Made it rhyme more. Already rhymed. Oh, wait. Hold on. I forgot. The best Jake. The best Jay-Z's lyric. I forgot about this one. I forgot about that one. One Fire brought

it up because we always talk about this. I was on Peter Pan bus. He was putting Peter Pan up in your room. What? What? Now, obviously peter pan bus is something that i don't know about but i was on the peter pan bus he was peter peter pan up in your room huh a quizzical yeah dude I fucking I love hip hop man it's so funny anyway dude I'm better

I'm better you know dude what is he I'm better. Canvass music! You know, dude? What is he? A fucking gnome? Akon, dude. Canvass music!

Dude, how hilarious would it be if you saw Akon, you went to an Akon fucking concert, and you were just like, oh, fuck yeah. And Akon, and he had all his openers and shit, so many fucking flashing lights and fire, just people opening for him. And then everyone's like, give it up for fucking Akon. And he comes out, and he's fucking two feet. And he's just like, Oh, music. And you're like, Oh, that makes sense.

And you're just like, fucking. And that's why his voice is like that. Oh, music. Oh, and he had a fucking big ass microphone he was just hugging like the microphone was like like sometimes he would just like put the microphone he would just like stand the microphone up and hold it like with his hands like this and he would just be like this and he'd just be like this, and he'd just be like, Convict music! And fucking even like Lil Uzi Vert would come out, and he was like seven feet tall over him.

Lil Uzi Vert, dude. Lil Uzi Vert, you know? Ah, shit. You know, every time I see a picture of Lil Uzi Vert, you know? Ah, shit. I, I, I, you know, I want to, every time I see a picture of Lil Uzi Vert, I want to be like this fucking guy. But then whenever I see Lil Uzi Vert in like a video that like goes viral where he's like talking to fans, he looks like the nicest guy. And I just want to be like, ah, that guy's fucking cool. He'll just be like, yo, what up, man? Hey, what's up? Cool, you having a good day?

Cool. Oh, you having a good time? Oh, cool. How's your life? Oh, nice. You guys got to stay in school? Okay. Check you later. And you're like, oh, the guy's just fucking nice as fuck. Dude, fucking how funny would that be?

I literally can't even think of a fucking Akon song right now. But to have him come out and just be like... What's this one? Oh, yeah. Nah, that wasn't a good one the banger imagine him coming up and he's just two feet

it's been so long because I'm so short I can't even see your face cause it's all the way up there. What's the real banger song, though? I like the fucking. You know what? I actually have it.

That's the one. I'm so paid, dude. That one. Man, one fire with one higher because one fire. I'll tell you what. One fire has a few jobs here. One is to run the fucking podcast. And the other one is to plug in the fucking headphones.

Now, when I fucking went to go put the headphones on the thing, they're dead. Oh, that's because fucking One Fire wasn't here. It's One Fire 2. Dude, you know what? Really living up to the One Fire 2 label. This is the banger, though. Ah! Oh!

Dude, they gotta brag before the song starts. Dude. Ah! Not good jeans, too. Have you ever seen convict jeans? I've never seen them Rubbing on that Italian leather Convict jeans on Size 2020 you know

Oh I mean Google convict jeans Literally convict jeans came up Like Like Like Like No you spell it with a K dude

I say it like you're the idiot oh oh dude i was looking at i was like i was thinking about like i was like you know what you know what fucking time it is dude it's time for fucking daddy to step his fucking goddamn game up man bro you see the pink jacket I got on Instagram? First of all, I saw Russell Westbrook. I can't say Russell Westbrook's name without saying Russell Westbrook. It's like all of a sudden I become fucking deaf.

Russell Westbrook. It's weird. It's like Russell... It makes me want to go the R. Russell West... Russell... I can't say... Russell Westbrook. Anywayok anyway whatever when i say it

fast it goes like that but russell westbrook why can't i fucking say it anyway he got that pink jacket on and i was like bro what is that jacket i'm gonna pay fucking seven grand for it i don't give a shit what it is where is it i found out it was from urban outfitters and it's a hundred dollars bro i went and and i got it and i fucking wore it out that shit is hot and i was like but it's time for me to step my fucking game up bro look because here's the here's the thing i you know i'm a shoe guy i love shoes but i was like i gotta get some real shit dude i gotta go to gucci and get like a gucci jacket or something and then i looked up gucci jackets you know how much a fucking jean jacket from gucci is it's like eight grand ah and you know the gucci jackets are cool

but then the front is cool but then you look at the back and it's got like, it might as well have fucking like embroidered cocks on it. It's, it'll have like a planet and then it'll be like love or die. And you're like, I don't want, what's up with these fucking shirts that are like, make such grand statements, like literally not a fashion statement, like an actual statement where it'll be like, such grand statements. Like literally. Not a fashion statement. Like an actual statement. Where it'll be like love is blind. You know why do you want to.

It's like why do you want to make such a statement. With a statement on the back of your fucking jacket. Live free or die. Yeah. Oh obviously dude. It's obvious. You know? But also,

I don't need to be reminded of that every time you fucking turn around. People are dumb with their outfits, dude. I know that the fashion industry is, I know I talk about this a lot, but the fashion industry is just taking us for a fucking ride. Why is high fashion the fucking shit where they do the runways and they do the shit

and the everything you see that is like, uh, whether if it's Versace or like Gucci or fucking, um, uh, what's that one I like? Da Vinci. Like every time you see a show of theirs, it's like some guy with a microwave on his head and a fucking and like a leather jacket that like fucking goes below his feet, all

the way below his feet and it drags. And you're like, oh, wow, high fashion. He's got a microwave on his head. And then, but that's not what they sell. That's not what they fucking sell. They'll just, and then you go to the store,

and you're like, hey, where's the fucking microwave head outfit? And they're like, oh, no, that was just for the show. But you can buy a sweater for seven grand if you want. No, I want the fucking

microwave head thing. You taking me for a fucking ride? Convict music. He comes out with a little microwave on his head. And a little jacket.

Convict music. Ribbon on Italian leather. He just has a little piece of leather. He's going like this. Like he's trying to make a wish. Rubbing on that Italian leather. Convict baby.

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Better way to cook. I got a busy day today. I had to fit it all in because yesterday I was sick and I couldn't do anything. I canceled everything. I've got some auditions. Now, your boy auditions sometimes. Now, I don't like to because here's the thing i hollywood is weird how it is all right it's like guys way above me are auditioning like he if i here's like um

i i do get offers to do stuff like but it's usually comedy, right? But if they're like, oh, yeah, they're interested in you playing a doctor on fucking ABC, or they'll be like, well, let's read him because we don't know if he can say succinylcholine and and not have it be a fucking laugh out loud hilarious right which is whatever but um so i understand that but dude there's the way hollywood does it is hundreds of people will audition for these parts. And it's just so fucking ridiculous because they should just pick. They should just pick. They should just pick. They got movies that are coming out

that are like comedies that everyone's auditioning for that you'd be like, what? Why are they auditioning? And it's like you can just... If you have any sort of vision at all and you're a director, just pick the fucking guy you want to be. What's his name? Who's the guy that looked exactly like me in the fucking new ABC show that Bobby Lee is on? Hudson?

Oliver Hudson? You know what he does. Okay. If you want him to be in a movie. Have him be in the fucking movie. Don't call a guy. That guy probably does get offers. So this is wrong.

But like there's so many guys like at that level. That it's like. You know what the fucking guy does uh like bobby but you know what bobby lee is a great fucking example actually how are you gonna make bobby lee fucking audition for a movie bobby lee's been around for 75 years and he and you know what he does, especially in a comedy. He should never have to test for any show ever. If you have any sort of vision at all, you can see,

oh, I want Bobby Lee for that part. But Bobby Lee has to fucking audition every now and then. And that's so annoying for Bobby Lee and you. You're wasting time time you know he can fucking do it bobby lee is fucking hilarious um but it's it's it's just like all these fucking hoops that you have to jump through as an actor. I'm auditioning for two things later. And, you know. And here's the other thing, too, dude. Getting the fucking sides.

Sides are things that are the part, the few pages that you read for the audition. Right? So it would be like eight pages of sides. Some of these fucking TV shows will be like, hey, here are the sides. And it will be like eight pages of sides. Some of these fucking TV shows will be like, hey, here are the sides. And it'll be like 12 pages. Hey, dude, fuck my ass. Are you? That's half the script sometimes.

12 pages, you fucking asshole. Dude, make it five at the most okay if you can't see what i do in five pages you got a bad script okay like and then and then and then and then dude even better even better dude some of these fucking movies will be like yeah uh my my agent's assistant will hit me up and be like oh uh you um yeah they they're the casting is sending you a link they're emailing you a link directly to download the sides because they won't send them through me because they don't want – they want it to be, you know, what do you call it? Harder to get, like exclusive or like – I don't know.

I can't think of the right word. But like it's private and they don't want it to get out there, you know? and and and you're like uh uh okay and you wait for the email from uh casting and you'll get some fucking email from like ding dong zip and you're like and you look at it and it's like oh down oh you got to go to embershot to download to download the thing so you click on the link and it's like embershot.com and then you go to embershot and then it'll be like ah do you want to open the embershot app and you're like what and then you click it and it'll be like do you want to download the app and you're like no give me the fucking sides and then and then you but and then you hit back the agent assistant and you're like, hey, it says I got to log in.

And they're like, oh, really? Hold on. And then they'll send it back to the person in the production office. And they'll be like, oh, well, okay, you got to create a login. And I'm like, nah. And then so the agent assistant will do it. he'll be like i created a login for you it's fucking you know and it's always something like you know chris 70 and so i'll i'll put in chris 70 and it it never works the first time so then i gotta go

back yeah it's not working and then they they like oh it should work and then i tried a second time and it works and it's not my fault and i know it's like well i worked the first time but no some of these fucking logins dude they're made so they don't work the first time i swear to fucking god dude and then you'll get it and then it'll be like oh it'll be too small it'll be too fucking small and then you'll get it and then it'll be like, oh, it'll be too small. It'll be too fucking small. And then you – so you got to get the app. So now I'm downloading the fucking Embershot app and I get it. And I look and now it's like, print it?

Yeah. And it's for like – and you'd think this is for fucking Star Wars. And it's for some shit like In the Army Now reboot. And you're like, who the fuck gives a shit this much about In the Army Now reboot? Who gives a flying fuck these production companies think that these movie nobody gives a fuck about your goddamn movie if if it wasn't a movie yet if it's not number four oh yeah we don't want the sides to get out, because we're worried about the blogosphere getting the fucking, nobody gives a shit,

and I got to do fucking all this shit, and then I got to read five pages, and then I got to, and it's some shit, it's so dumb dude, the whole thing's so dumb you know that fucking bobby lee can play taxi driver in a fucking movie with paul rudd you know what i mean you know oh it's so uh ridiculous the way they do it. Anyway.

So I got to do two of those later. And they're for shit that I think are good. Because otherwise, I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I fight my agents too. I don't fight them, but I'm like, nah, I'm I fight my agents too. I don't fight them, but I'm like, nah, I'm not going out on that. What do they want me? No, they want me to read for it? No, I'm not going out. No.

You know why, dude? You know why? You know why too? Because people don't know this, but if you have any sort of a fan base as a comedian, you're making way more money on the road. People think like, oh, people on tv are all rich if your show goes for fucking six seasons yeah you're fucking sitting pretty but if you're like on like different shows that come out sometimes and you know you did like sick your show got six episodes and you did a season of a show here.

You're fucking broke and you're trying to make – you got to take the next job. You're like, oh, where's the fucking job coming? Dude, and so they're like, oh, yeah, let's have Chris D'Elia or fucking – dude, no. You know what? I'll go to Cleveland or fucking whatever and make more money doing a literally exactly what i want to do rather than having to play some fucking guy in some paint by numbers network show i mean some of these network shows are are are are good you know but some of these network shows are good, you know? But some of these network shows are just... It's like, yeah, well, we're just making the lawyer one again. We're going to make a lawyer show again this year.

But this one's different, though, because she's a woman and she was molested. And now she fights cases for people that were molested. Oh, cool. Oh, and she's a black belt. Oh, all right. Well, cool. Oh, and she's a black belt. Oh, all right. Well, okay. Yeah, so she can kick ass and kick ass, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds good. And it gets picked up because it's a strong female lead and then canceled in five fucking episodes. Ridiculous. Fucking ridiculous. I'm going to do the second reads.

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Uh, it's free and it takes just seconds to install and it will save you tons of money. Add Honey to your browser for free right now at joinhoney.com slash congrats. That's joinhoney.com slash congrats. I was in a – I was doing a – I was getting my mail at my P.O. box. And this guy – first of all, I don't even know if it's legal or not. When you're parked – you know when two cars are parked like on the street like in a – you know, just on the curb. And then a motorcycle can park in between. Can a motorcycle park in between them?

I don't know if that's legal or not. But they always do it. Anyway, I get in my car to leave. I'm parked. And as I'm doing that, this guy on a motorcycle is parking in between the front of my car and the back of the car in front of me, making it tougher for me to get out. I don't even think about it, but I do afterwards, which is now.

So I'm like, all right, cool. So I have to get out. So I reversed first, and now he's on his motorcycle parking. And then I pull up a little bit and then i pull back and i have to do like a five-point turn because of him right which is fine i don't give a shit but as i'm doing what he's upset about. So I, I, I, because I want to, I, I, if he's upset with me, here's the thing. I know I've done nothing wrong right here. So I want, I'm looking at him as a potential slam victim. So he's looking at me like, Hey, what the fuck are you doing? And I'm like, oh, I've got a Rolodex of slams for all sorts of situations. This guy doesn't know that I've got fucking, you know,

Denny's Grand Slam breakfast in my back pocket. All right. So, and I've got it for him and it's hot and steaming. And so I pull up and i roll down the window and i say hey man what's up you all good is that everything okay and he says yeah man uh you almost hit me i said oh no i didn't and he said yeah didn't didn't you see me i said here comes the slam. This was great. I didn't even mean to do it. I said, of course I saw you. That's why I didn't hit you. He says, yeah, well, you were pretty close. And I said, ah, you're all good, right? Did you get hurt?

And he says, nah, but you were pretty close. I said, ah, but you're all good. And he says, yeah, well, don't do that again. And I said, oh, that'll never happen again. And he says, and he didn't like how I was being because of how utterly right I was. And by the way, he's arguing the whole time in a fucking motorcycle helmet, like an idiot. And then he says, well, man, he says, oh, he says, if you like your car, you won't do that again, like threatening me.

And I laughed. Like I couldn't help myself. I went, oh, okay, man. And he said, yo, I'm dead ass. I said, oh, yeah? He said, yeah, man, I'm dead ass serious. I said, all right, bro. And I drove away. Like, bro, this guy, you know?

Fuck is he upset? Oh, hey, bro, did you get scared? Dude, did you get scared because my car almost hit you going one mile an hour while you made it harder for me to pull out of my fucking thing? Dude, you made it harder for me. I'm all good. I didn't hit you. Also, if I hit you, congratulations, dude. You get money.

Fucking. Be a dick. Guy makes it harder for me and then gets mad at me, dude. Fuck that, bro. And then I drove away just like. Fuck him, man. He fucking checked the P.O po box with his fucking helmet on hey dude if you if you're a motorcyclist and you get off of your motorcycle take the helmet off

immediately dude immediately nobody's having a conversation with your tron looking ass just flipping the shit up hey man you almost Hey, man. You almost hit me. Dude. Hey, hey. Take it off, dude. You look like daft punk. I'm not having a conversation with a fucking Tron-looking ass fucking. One fire. Unzipping his fucking backpack. Loud as shit.

Brr-up. That's the zipper. That's the sound the zipper made. And he looked like he knew he was going to do it and did it anyway because he wanted to get the chapstick, dude. One fire needed to get chapstick. We've got like 15 minutes left in this guy. Like his lips were going to in 15 minutes just go and blood was going to come out.

Dude, I'm fucking straight up on some new shit, dude. How ridiculous is that song, dude? When they came up with that riff, they were like, oh, life's changed. For everybody, dude. Life's changed for these people. But with that riff, it makes people fucking invincible. When you hear that shit, dude. How funny is it, too, when you get that song, when you're working out and you're like, here we go, motherfucker.

And then 20 seconds and you're like, all right, dude, wait, hold on. I got to take a break. And it's still, but it's still going, dude. And you're just like, all right, hold on. Let me take a break. And it's still going, dude. And you're just like, alright, hold on, let me take a break. And it's still playing and you're like, ah, that song didn't really work. I'm still a pussy. And then like Celine Dion

comes on next and you're like, ah, I didn't take it off shuffle. Or even worse, like the theme song to Mission Impossible because you got once for some jokey reason. Yeah. Yeah, dude. This guy. Who threatens somebody? You know?

my i was uh my favorite thing my you know what comment i get sometimes i get this comment like a bunch on my instagram because i i know i like i'm a comedian and i know my posts i do because i think they're funny you know and, and because I'm a professional comedian. I've got whether you like it or not. I've got a pretty good handle on what's funny. It's my profession. I obsess about it. Not just through my adult life, my whole life. That's why I became a comedian.

People comment sometimes. uh wait i wrote down what they comment i don't understand how anyone could find this funny like they'll write like i don't even get why anybody would find this funny this is so stupid how could anybody find this funny i don't understand how anybody could find this funny and And talk about slams. You're slamming yourself. You know the reason. Let's do a little bit of walking forward for you since you're not doing it yourself. You know the reason why you don't understand why anybody could find this funny is because you have a bad sense of humor that's why you slammed yourself

so let me just push you out the door a little bit because you're already almost out there dude i don't understand how anybody can find this funny. In the meantime, everybody, ha-ha, ha-ha, oh, so funny, and me fucking literally bought real estate off of fucking, off of comedy. You don't get why anybody could think that this is funny. You don't get why anybody could think that this is funny. When it comes down to brass tacks, it's because you have a bad sense of humor. That's why. Plain nsimp.

That's the only reason it could be. That's the only reason it could be. It's literally like saying, whoever hits a home run in baseball. And you're like, I don't understand how anyone could say that's a home run. Those are the rules. I'm the comedian. If I put out a joke in professional space, that's funny.

that's funny you i get it sometimes jokes miss but like you know if you're just some person that like doesn't have anything to do with comedy let's just go with i'm right people comment this shit all day long i don't get not even just on me i see it or how's how's somebody think this is funny you can have your opinion but like the reason why you don't get it because you have a bad sense of humor um anyway Anyway It's like North Carolina And South Carolina

And Mississippi And Mississippi And Virginia And the Moravs And the Minnows And the Sacramento That's what it's like you know That's all it's like

Let me see if I have the IG shit I hate when people call it gram. Hey, did you post it on the gram? I don't know why I hate that. I'm going to look. I think I had a good one, but I don't know if I did. It's so funny. You know how you can name the fucking collections you save on the instagram i i call

i got one call uh-oh oh this is good look at these fucking people this is a workout one okay this is one hey guys it's time for the most fucked up instagram post of the week uh- for the most fucked up instagram post of the week oh wait hold on this one's even better i'm not doing the workout one i'm doing this one today uh okay uh this fucking guy oh this guy's fucking famous as shit, I guess. What is he? I don't know. Whoa, he dresses like a fuck. He dresses like he's from Book of Eli.

Why is that the most dope? Like, no matter how fashion is throughout the years, always the dopest fashion is like if you look like you dress from the movie Book of Eli with Denzel Washington. This is what the caption is. I wish more people would have this thing called soul. First of all, it's S-cock to use the word soul and be like this thing called soul. You didn't discover what soul is okay you're not one

of the few that's helping push the soul agenda okay this little thing i like to call rock and roll, you know? Met this little guy I like to call Jesus, you know? You didn't, you're not, you're not awakening anybody. You'd be like, oh, what's this soul thing? I wish more people would have this thing called soul. I wish more people would skip sleeping for deep conversations at 3 a.m. First of all, I disagree with that completely. Because if you're somebody who thinks having deep conversations at 3 a.m. is just oh so something that's needed you're a boring person get some sleep and function at your fucking job

better 3 a.m. conversations happen when they happen when they happen you can't set them up okay so far your fucking first two lines on your instagram story very gung-ho extremely gung-ho let's see if you can get back in the room so far you seem pretty gung-ho he goes on i wish more i wish people would care more about what's inside rather than outside okay this is a pic right now i should tell you what the picture is of okay the picture is of a guy looking at himself in the mirror. Dude, here's what I wish.

People understood irony better. It's pretty concomitant. You're pretty far outside the room. Let's see if you can get back. You're pretty far outside the room. Let's see if you can get back. No, I don't care how attractive you think you are. Hey, bud.

You're looking in the mirror. And also, you're sexy as shit. This guy's a good looking guy. If, oh, for fuck nugget's sake, dude. This shit, if I saw, you know what? No, I said don't threaten people. No, I'm kidding. No, I don't care how attractive you think you are. Oh, for fuck. Dude, I can't even, this is like, okay. No, I don't care

how attractive you think you are. I'm sorry, okay. No, I don't care how attractive you think you are. I'm sorry, dude. I'm sorry, dude. This is... No, I don't care how attractive you think you are if you don't take my soul away. First of all... What? First of all... What? First of all...

Who wants their soul taken away? Hey! To... If I walked up to somebody on the street and said, I'm going to take your soul away. You'd think I was Beelzebub. You'd think I came from the very depths of hell. Okay? So he doesn't mean it like that. But also, you should always keep your soul because it's your soul.

Okay? And if it's something that you wish more people would have this thing called soul, then why would you want yours to be taken away? You're so far out the room. I think you can't get back. Gunk. That's how, that's the door. That's the door slamming, baby. All right.

Here he goes on, dude. That's not enough. Be dirty and weird. You can shorten that with just homeless. Be dirty and weird. You can shorten that with just homeless. Be dirty and weird. Be sad and happy. All the range of emotions. Don't show up with that face you're putting on every day for the outside world.

I know it's easier and less painful. But for me, it's perfect. I will tell you some more details about that shoot in the next post. What? This guy, and then he's like, by the way, I'm a model. I'll tell you more about this shoot. I'm just going to write gonna write no on it no i'm gonna write no did you know that there commented that wow that was a good one dude and it's a fuck and it's of a guy looking at himself in the mirror dude unbelievable that's a fucking gunk uh all right we're gonna go uh we're gonna have a we're gonna announce an elder um got an elder coming up here uh it's and her name is shelby sharon now she got two first

names well it's just pretty fucked up but we're still making her an elder. Shelby Sharon, at Shelby Sharon on Instagram. That's two R's in Sharon. She made this website called True Baby, and it's truebabies.org. It took quite some time to do this, and this is amazing. And I, I mean, I spent some time perusing on this, but you've got to go to this website. Huge help, and a huge – she's spreading this. She's really spreading this.

It's got a bunch of stuff from the podcast on there, a list of elders, artwork, stuff that other elders have made. It's really awesome. Thank you, Shelby. We'll DM you with the details for getting you your pin and your certificate. This goes above and beyond the call of action. You're spreading the word

of the cult pretty damn well. We really thank you for that. You can also donate to the website, which is something that you should do because uh it's very cool to uh to help uh help out in any way you can with this cult that we've we've started uh because we started a cult and that's just how it is um so thank you shelby sharon uh should we take some twitter questions or should we just

i'm just happy i feel better man um yeah kyle hooper at hoop daddy 10 hmm change it what do you think of people that pay hundreds of dollars to go to a concert but then wear earplugs you know just i don't the earplugs thing if you go to a concert you should wear earplugs because you're gonna fucking ruin your hearing but But, excuse me, so gross. But just don't, that's the thing. Music sounds better when it's just, I know people disagree. Music sounds so much better live. No, it doesn't.

It sounds too loud live. Get the CD, fucking CD, get it on streaming and just fucking listen to it. You want to be bumping around with people and there's always somebody in camouflage around you and you're just like, why the fuck is that person wearing all camouflage? Or some shit, you know? Yeah, I just don't I don't know.

I never liked concerts. I know you know that. That's pretty funny. Corey doc walker at doc walker 26 what do you think about people who eat their food inside the mcdonald's or taco bell or where or whatever i mean just take it home right yeah yeah it's true you're supposed to or at least go in your car and eat it sad like an adult. You know? Unless you're like a teenager and you're just out of home. And you're like, fuck yeah, I get to hang out not at home. But like...

You know, what are you doing? Put eating in your car like a sad adult. Here's another one. Charles Taylor. And then I'm going to blow my nose. At Uncle Charlie. Thoughts on MasterChef Junior, 8 through 13-year-old. 8 through 13-year-olds cooking professional shit.

Yeah, I mean, I get, I don't know. It's cool when you know what you want to do as an eight-year-old. But, you know, I don't know. I guess it's okay exploiting these kids. I guess Juan Fier just had to go to the bathroom, dude. This guy, unzipping Juan one fire, just leaves. He's just like, I got to piss. Dude, there's three minutes left.

Getting me a what? A dish? Oh, thank. One higher. He's getting me tissues. I'm not going to blow my nose, though. Anyway. I think that's it. Dude, I think that's it.

Just come back I'm gonna I'm gonna stop I'm gonna end it's been over an hour but yeah I had a good I had a fun time on this podcast man I had a good time so thank you yeah that's good

we did a good one that was fun I had a good time dude you guys are the shit man just listening help me push this podcast going our numbers have been real good lately. They're growing. The past two, three weeks, they've been growing. Help do it more. Tell people about this. You do things like these websites and all this shit, it helps, man. And I'm only going to be doing this if it keeps growing, like I've said before. So yeah, it's good it helps me streamline this cult thing too man it goes like this

stand up podcast miscellaneous you know like movies and TV and then it all rises up to the tip of the fucking iceberg the tip of the triangle cult that's how we do it anyway square cash have you switched yet download the free square cash The tip of the triangle. Cult. That's how we do it. Anyway, Square Cash.

Have you switched yet? Download the free Square Cash app. Enter rewards code. Rewards code congrats. Get $5. Give $5 to Time's Up. Get it for iOS or Android now. Blue Apron. Blue Apron.

Check out this week's menu and get your $30 off at blueapron.com slash congrats. Follow the leader tour. Buy tickets on crystalia.com. Got a bunch of places in Florida. Charleston just added a late show. Pittsburgh, Dayton, Huntsville, Nashville, Denver, late show added. Boise, late show added. And Cleveland, I'll be there.

It's all sold out this weekend. Go get some merch too at crystal at ChrisDelia.com. Support the podcast. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. Share those videos. Download the Chris Delia app. I just posted a picture of Juan Fire. But hit his face so you can see a little bit of his body.

It's in iOS or Android, the Chris Delia app. Subscribe, rate,, review the show it really helps out thanks a lot, appreciate it video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays and watch my specials on Netflix and share those too that helps out

appreciate you guys thank you very much and see you at the lockdown congratulations congratulations congratulations congratulations you you

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you you you you you you you you

you you you you you you you you

you you you you you you you you

you you you you you I'm proud of a motherfucker.