Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 59. Excalibur Weapon

Episode Date: March 13, 2018

It's the 59th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about hating multicolored tortilla chips. Also discussed: popcorn, airport wifi, separating your brownies and ice cream, camping, and Club Monaco. We have a new elder today, TMFUIPOTW, and of course, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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After a little bit of being on the road, we are back in business. Overwhelming response from the last podcast. People came out. Babies helped me through because I was sick, and everyone was like, hope you feel better. Thank you very much. Sometimes we upload these videos on Tuesday, or sometimes we upload these podcasts on Tuesdays. Now, do we tweet it? Yeah.

Do I say it on the podcast? Yeah, I say it all the time. Sometimes it will be up on Monday. Sometimes it will be up on Tuesday. Do people still complain? No. Yeah, they do do and that's because generally people fucking dumb all right there's a line in men in black where he says a person is

smart people are dumb and i always think about that i always think about that thanks men in black thanks for always making me think about that thanks alien, Men in Black. Thanks for always making me think about that. Thanks, Alien Movie, for making me always think about that. I was in Cleveland, and I like Cleveland. I always talk about to people how I like Cleveland. And I didn't

love it this time because it was snowing. And it was too much, there was too much snow. I don't know, you know, snow is great if you're like in a beautiful place with vast open fields or mountains and shit like that. But if you're in a city and it's snowing every day, it sucks donkey balls. And it's so gray. And it just sucks. And the move.

But the shows were really fun. And I had a good time. But let me tell you about this fucking. I went to Boulder, Colorado the next day to do a show for University Boulder, Colorado. Whatever the fuck it's called. And it was great, man. There were like a thousand students. Went in there.

Had a good time. Students were great. And they were really fun. And thank you, Boulder. I had a good time with you guys. I think it might have been the best college show ever. A lot of comedians don't want to play college, as they say. I don't understand that.

I think that that's like because they're worried about like or they say college kids get offended like you got to tell these motherfuckers how to feel they don't even know how they feel yet you know so that's why that but that's why they get offended that because they're like oh i don't know what what i feel about that situation yet you, the older you get, I think, and I'm only 37, so I'm not, but like when you're 90, that's why 90-year-olds don't give a fuck, bro, because they just, they're too old. I talk about this on stage a little bit, but they're just too old. They don't care. When you're 18, anything could offend you. When you're 90, nothing offends you, because you just too old. They don't care. When you're 18, anything can offend you. When you're 90, nothing offends you. Because you're too old.

You're too old to give a fuck. Hey, Sam. But so it was raining. It was snowing in Cleveland. And then in Boulder Boulder it was beautiful, and then in LA now it's raining. And I don't want that. You know what? We talked about this, people who say they love the rain.

That's the biggest bullshit ever. I'll tell you what, though. Right now on this podcast, I'm having a great time, and more and more people are coming, are listening to it. And I have no fucking agenda here. This is the fucking fly by the seat of the pants episode, man, because I have no notes and I and I didn't want to do it. And that's OK. You got to roll with me, man. You got to roll with me how I feel.

And that's okay. You got to roll with me, man. You got to roll with me how I feel. You can't just be fucking constantly coming up with like, I mean, I hardly come up with fucking shit when I do the podcast anyway. I have like three or five fucking bullet points. And I don't even know two of them. It'll be like popcorn story. And I'll be like, what?

I'll look at it four days later. It'll say popcorn story. And I'll be like, when the fuck fuck i haven't eaten popcorn in nine years dude i had this ex-girlfriend who eats popcorn who ate popcorn all the time dude she was like an evil villain where it was like where it was like oh that'll be her thing she'll eat popcorn all the time while she and it's creepy because she's taking over the world but she's also eating popcorn and it's kind of friendly hey how good is popcorn that's bullshit huh who the fuck figured that out just put in a microwave and that shit pops put it on a pan

and it pops you put it dude popcorn is so good it's kind of like the and why do we only eat it when we watch movies what's the deal with that dude if i saw a dude out in public eating popcorn i would think he lost his mind but it's so good that's on me bro that's on me that's how good it is you should eat it out in in public people eat chips people eat pretz. The fuck don't people eat popcorn? You know what would be the shit? Sandwich shops. If they give you sandwiches and instead of bullshit chips, they put a handful of popcorn on there.

If they did, you'd think they lost their mind. But that's so much better than chips. You know what? Fuck chips. How about that? I'm not talking about tortilla chips. Here's the deal. Here's the deal.

Tortilla chips, good. All right? chips how about that i'm not talking about tortilla chips here's the deal here's the deal tortilla chips good all right if you fucking double them up though and you you know some mexican restaurants like to get real fancy with their tortilla chips don't if it ain't broke don't fix it you know what dude and all of a sudden we're in the podcast i had no game plan and all of a sudden we're smooth sailing into the podcast. We're on our way up. The plane's like this. And we're putting our fucking chairs back and we're relaxing. When do you put your chair back, by the way? Right when the fucking wheels come up because you know they can't do shit.

Because you know they can't get up and do shit. I fucking put it up as we're taking off. And if I can see the fucking person, because, you know, sometimes they face you, the stewardess or the steward, they face you. I look in their eyes as we're as we're drive as we're not at all off yet. And I go and I look in their eyes while I move back because they can't do shit. And guess what? That three inches of glorious kickback they give me won't do shit if the plane can't do shit. If we're going to crash, we're going to crash.

All right? Tortilla chips are good, period. When people look in my eyes and tell me that the dark blue tortilla chips are better than the beige tortilla chips i want to fucking piss all over and leave it on my cock and thighs when when they're how about when they're multi-coloural multi-color like when they're multi-colour when they bring the fucking red and blue and like it like we're in a fucking mcdonald's commercial oh fuck off i want them all beige i'm racist when it comes to tortilla chips i want them beige as shit i want them all looking like donald trump that's how i want them i don't want a red one i don't want a fucking blue one they're normal

and that's it and when you double them up dude when you fry them up and they stick together go fuck yourself people try to act like oh i like them no you don't you like it because you think you're a bored motherfucker, man. That's what it is. You know what I get every time I go to a sandwich shop? A goddamn turkey sandwich. That's what I do. That's what I do because I know it's what I like.

When you're the kind of person, I had another ex. Every time we'd go, she knew what she liked, but she'd look at the menu like it was a goddamn J.K. Rowling's's book is that who the author is i always get her mixed up with jk simmons hey don't initialize your fucking goddamn name by the way what's your name if your name is john knolls or whatever the fuck it is then it's john knolls it's not jk what's your name just kidding kidding? Just kidding, Rowlings? Just kidding, Simmons?

You know? Here's the deal. You're bored with your life if you think the fucking double-fried tortilla strips and most of the population thinks that the double-fried fucking tortilla... You know what I'm talking about?

Those oily ones. Oh, but I like this. How about when they fucking give you – I go to this one restaurant place. They give you fucking double – they give you a regular tortilla chips with the guacamole. When they bring the guacamole out, they stick one fancy chip in the fucking guacamole. Dude, no, man. Oh, that drives me nuts. And then people you're with are always like, can we get some of these?

Do you have these? No, I want the normal ones. We figured it out, dude. You know what you are? You're a motherfucker. You know what? Go camping. Go camping.

If you love those chips, go camping. We already figured out how to do it. We already figured out how to do it. Go camping. Why go camping go camping if you love those chips go camping we already figured out how to do it we already figured out how to do it go camping why go camping because we already build these houses what did we do we lived outside for fucking thousands and thousands and thousands of years we lived outside then we built a hut figured it out then we built a fucking house cabin figured it out then we built a fucking house figured it out and now we got now we got toasters now we got microwaves now we got all these motherfuckers we can make popcorn in a microwave and you want to go run away from it all and go camping why we figured out how to live you want to be near a creek put a goddamn house on a creek dude you don't need to be i need to go out

in nature you know what i just need to get disconnected. Oh, really? Disconnect your fucking head from your spinal column. So drastic, but serious. Dude, you don't know how to live life. You're bored and you're boring. This is a cult. This is how we live. Get your cell phone. Be surrounded by walls.

Get your cell phone. Be surrounded by walls. Get your cell phone. Be surrounded by walls. And eat those goddamn plain tortilla chips. And if you think you're funny. By saying. Tortilla chips. Get captured. It's not.

You're just mispronouncing it. Dude. Congratulations. Step out. you're making me upset that's all good look it's free conch i want you to do what you want to do it's free conch but i gotta feel the way i gotta feel about it i gotta feel the way i gotta feel about it god you know what's good a brownie you know what's bad you know what's good or brownie? You know what's bad? You know what's good or brownie? You know what's good? Ice cream.

When I get a brownie with a dude, I fuck everybody up, man. When I get a brownie, I get the brownie and they're like, you want ice cream on it? No, I don't want the fucking ice cream on it. I want the ice cream on the side and I want the brownie on the fucking other side. Okay. If it's touching, I'm out. If it's touching, I'm nothing. other side okay if it's touching i'm out if it's touching i'm nothing i want to fucking put the equal ratio that i want of the fucking brownie in with the that that's what i want and don't

heat the brownie up too much do not heat the brownie up too much because then the ice cream fucking melts dude this is so simple i want to run for president and this is the shit i want to talk about fuck all the politics everyone's crooked anyway i'm going to talk about brownie we need to increase brownie and ice cream spending superimposed chart over my face dipping in the polls we need to get back to our beige one single tortilla chips we need to get back to it negative polls but president what do you feel about um um the racial tension and we need speaking of racial, we need only beige tortilla strips. Boo.

Boo. That reminds me. But what do you think about government spending on the, I think equally parts distributed of ice cream and also brownies. Separate plates. Boo. Boo. How do you make it this far? Boo. How do you even get on the platform. Boo. Boo. How did he make it this far? Boo.

How did he get on the platform? Boo. We don't wear long sleeve shirts with shorts. Boo. Why is this something? Boo. Are you cold or you're hot? Yeah, man. Popcorn is the shit. Period. When you get, what's, what's harder? What's harder though? Oh, God damn it. I'll stop coughing. What's harder?

Working out, doing plyometrics or trying to get a piece of popcorn out of the back of your teeth? What's harder? What's harder? How much of a little weak, weak bitch ass do you feel like when you're, when you're, when you realize your tongue is out of shape and you're just, and it's like in like, and it looks like you're morphing into an alien.

You're just, you ever try to do the relax thing though? You ever fucking trying, you're trying to get that fucking thing out of your teeth so hard like you're morphing into an alien. You're just... You ever try to do the relax thing though? You ever fucking trying... You're trying to get that fucking thing out of your teeth so hard and you're going overboard, overboard, overboard. And then you realize, okay, you know what, dude? Okay. And in your head, you're having this conversation.

You're like, just relax, relax, relax. Let's try to finesse it out. Do you ever do that? Because that works. Do you ever do that, Juan? No? See? That's why he would have stuff stuck in his teeth and I wouldn't.

And you're fucking... And you just sometimes relax and you just touch it. You just use the tongue to touch the little kernel and then it fucking plops on out, dude. Sometimes it's about relaxing. I've never talked about more shit that doesn't matter than I have on this podcast right now, this episode. But in a way it

all come dude you know what happened i you know when i realized that this is a real cult for real in cleveland somebody came up to me and said hey man i just want to let you know i'm a little bit cuda because of this thing that i did and i said it's okay we all are we all are ah it's a cult it's okay we all are we all we. We all are. It's a cult. It's okay. We all are. We all are a little bit cuda. I said to him like he was coming to me. We are all a little bit cuda.

It's about fucking diminishing the cuda-ness and fighting it. That's what it's about. You're a real baby though, man. If you're thinking about it, you're a real baby though man if you're thinking about it you are a real baby um i met some elders too at the fucking uh at the cleveland at hilarities cleveland um anyway i don't what was i talking about fucking popcorn before that shit doesn't matter it doesn't matter one fire is probably looking at fucking interracial porn you know it's a fun thing to do is probably looking at fucking interracial porn. You know,

it's a fun thing to do is anytime you see somebody on a laptop in public, imagine them watching interracial porn. One time I was at a coffee shop and this guy was watching porn and the, and the guy at a coffee shop said, Hey man, do you know if that guy's watching porn or not? And I was like, what?

One of the workers. And he was like, yeah, we had some complaints. Imagine the fucking level of boss. You got to be to go set up in a public coffee shop, open it up, and then fucking press play and just, oh, yeah. Yeah. The swallow. That shit is the most fucking turned on you can ever be. Oh, yeah.

That. Not. Ha ha. Oh yeah. That. Not. Ha ha ha. Oh man that's funny. Oh that's funny. Um. Oh for fuck's sake you know. Anyway I appreciate you guys listening.

Dude the podcast is actually growing. It's just growing. I don't guys listening, dude. The podcast is actually growing. It's growing. I don't have guests, you this is for sure a rant. Like, imagine if I tried to run for president, how much they'd take off of this fucking podcast and they'd be like. Like I've said, I've said everything on this, but I've already like, you know, one quote that always haunts me is you've already done the thing that ruins you. You've already done the thing that's going to ruin you. Oh, that's so fucking crazy. That's some shit.

Like that's probably on like House of Cards or something. How about how dramatic they make these TV shows? Did you see the fucking thing about on House of Cards where it was like, dun, dun, dun. And then it shows the lady and she's like, we're just getting started. Dude, how come every show is just getting started? Why do they have to say that? Dude, there could be like fucking 11 seasons in and it's like, and we're just getting started. And then get canceled the next day. You're not tricking me, dude, and we're just getting started and then get canceled the next day. You're not tricking me, dude.

And we're just getting started. Oh, really? Yeah. You're 90. We're just getting started. You literally just fired the lead. It's over. We're just getting started.

I'm going to say that. I'm going to say that after I have sex, after I have an orgasm, and then I roll over, I'm going to say, sweetheart, we're just getting started. Wake up. Sorry, what? You just said we're just getting started. Oh, no, no, I know, but sorry, I got, I meant, I meant about the sleeping thing we're just getting stuck like don't even finish it so disrespectful how fast by the way can you fall asleep after sex me 14 seconds 14 fucking seconds I go how have you ever fell asleep during sex? I straight up have.

Like that's so, how? I did it with a girlfriend once. And it was like, she was like, hey. And I was like, what's up? She was like, how's that supposed to make me feel? And I was like oh no it's amazing i get so tired i had one one of my my ex that loves popcorn would try and keep me up because i talk i talk so much when i'm tired and i'm falling asleep and i'll just start talking i remember one

time she recorded me and i was talking about alligators and shit and how much they were demons. I mean, we've talked about it on podcast, but I didn't know what I was saying really. And then she played it for me the next day and I was like, oh my God. I was talking about alligators and how they were fucking bitch asses and how they ain't shit, but they were demons. And I was awake, dude i because she was talking to me and i don't really remember it look at this shit look at this shit i saw this earlier

i hate shit like this click it the whole thing women who need a margarita a million dollars and a nap what fucking person would tag them tag the women this is the shit also why is it just for women that'll be good no matter what you got in your downstairs area and look at this look at this look at this look at this thing on facebook women who need a million a margarita a million dollars and a nap and then just names under it jessica janet megan kathy britney kayla erica rebecca carolyn melissa imagine stephanie imagine being stephanie and being like oh that's so true about me now shit you fucking moron also imagine being stephanie with a y and it only says stephanie with an ie and you're like oh man i hate the internet but also it's the greatest i love the internet

it's just like. I love the internet. It's just like, they just make this bullshit. Oh, man, you got to see what the fuck One Fire is doing with the fucking screen right now. How about, did you see about the interview about Michael Caine, about how he wouldn't work with Woody Allen anymore? I won't do it. They asked him, Michael Caine, would you work with Woody Allen anymore?

I won't do it. Why? Because he's... Didn't he like fuck his daughter or some shit? Woody fuck? Woody Allen? Who do you fuck? Who do you have sex Who do you, Alan? Who do you fuck? Who do you have sex with?

His daughter? I'm so stunned. Actor Michael Caine, who won an Academy Award in 1987 for Alan's film, Hannah and Her Sister, said during the interview with The Guardian, he continued, I'm a patron of the NSPCC and I have very strong views about pedophilia. Really? What are they?

I wouldn't know it. Because why? Because I've got strong feelings against it. All right, cool. Man. Man. Peter Sarsgaard says he won't work with Woody Allen again but Jeff Daniels remains undecided cool

just do every actor in Hollywood you know I want somebody I want to get famous enough so people ask me shit like that and then I go like this hey Chris Lee Chris Lee over Chris Lee, over here. Would you ever work with Woody Allen?

I got an answer for you. Gotta go. And then do like a cartoon like this and then look at him for a little bit and then just move my arms the other way and go pew and then just walk away. And then when I arrive to my next destination, go ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka.

No matter how long it takes, even if I drive there. Hey, Chris Lee, Chris, Chris, can we get a question? Hey, Chris, would you ever work with Woody Allen? Interesting you asked that question. Gotta go. And then just walk away, and then they just watch me walk away a little bit and not even go fast.

Just disrespect the pion. You know? Disrespecting the pimp. You know? Disrespecting the pimp. Well, we're getting off the rails today, bro. But this is how we do it, man. Some days we just are loosey-goosey. I'm down for a silly goose time and that's it, man. When people talk politics and you get boring as fuck for too long, I'm out.

I'm out, dude. Hit the ejector button. I am pimp. I am fucking out dude um okay let's do this here me undies you've heard me talk about me undies and you know that i'm a big believer in their product they're the perfect balance of comfortable fit every month they have a new and exciting print or they have multiple new and exciting prints and they arrive at your door in a fun bag. I love MeUndies. It's the only underwears I wear. Now I said they're the only underwears I wear. Now that doesn't mean I am

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Legal Defense Fund. I think that's a good fund. That's why we're getting behind it here at Congratulations the podcast. So download the free cash app for iOS or Android now. Hmm. It's pretty cool how OneFire made the

things double-sided, which I don't like because I like to read the shit and then I like to toss it out. Now I know it's worse for trees, but let's face it. I'll be dead long and gone before that matters in the environment and that's how we all feel. Hey dude, how about people who are trying to make the planet good for other generations? Dude, all right, go ahead. I'll help a little bit. Will I go out of my way? I'll recycle.

Will I go out of my way? I want to make shit tough for my kids. Fuck that. I want to make shit tough for my kids. Know why? I need something to do. Dun-dun-dun-dun. It's disrespectful. I want to make shit tough.

Everyone's trying to make shit easier for their generations and shit. Fuck that, dude. How about, no, you know what? Actually, I disagree with that. I'm just, I'm obviously playing around. But how about when I heard that Bill Gates was only going to leave $10 million for his kids? Hey, man, what you doing everything for then? What you doing?

Hey, dude, what you doing? What are you doing? You're going to leave $10 million for, I know that's more than enough but also leave billions hey man you nutted in a girl and had offspring leave billions hey dude you got all up in them guts and only gonna leave them a small percentage of your fortune you bad purse you bad planner hey dude nutner nine months later give him billions give him billions dude and then have him just go shopping on a montage what i want you got and it might be hard to handle buying teslas and fucking people like a flame burns and candle i'll take, he points to an Asian. Find me some names. Sign me up for everything at the magazine rack.

Dreams come true. Walking into fucking Club Monaco. I'll take one of every size. Who goes to Club Monaco? Who the fuck goes to Club goddamn Monaco? Who wears a short sleeve fucking button down pink shirt with khakis?

You know, that's the rapist attire. That's the date rapist attire. If you have pink anywhere on you, I feel like you date rape as a guy. And I wear pink, but I don't do that. But I just feel, you know what the date rapist attire is? Those fucking, what is that

carnation pink shorts? What are those carnation pink shorts where you look like your dad's a lawyer and can get you off? What are they called? What are those called? Are they Bermuda shorts? I feel like you date rape if you wear those.

What are the, what are those? What are they called? Those fucking salmon ones? You know what I'm talking about? If you wear that, you fucking have date raped. Those short ones,

were your asses good in it? If your ass is good in it too, oh, fuck off. Look at those stupid with a braided belt. Holy shit, I'll high kick you. If you have a braided belt and those fucking carnation pink shorts, I'll high kick you. Of course you can get them at Bloomingdale's. If you walk into Bloomingdale's and you'd be like, hey, where's the rape attire? They'll be like, oh, here, over this way, and they'll show you the carnation pink fucking shorts.

Your dad's a lawyer, right? You get a 10% off. Who goes to Club Monaco? Who shops there at Club Monaco? Who is he even for? They have the most regular ass clothes that try to think that they're a little bit stylish, but also, you know what they are? You know what they fucking are? They're the fucking blue tortilla strips.

That's what they are. They're the blue tortilla strips, Club Monaco, of clothing. Go fuck yourself, man. Go fuck yourself. Give me a white t-shirt, plain tortilla strip, or give me the whole fucking enchilada. Give me the whole enchilada and let me wear a fucking green leather jacket but club monaco with your regular ass blue shirt go fuck yourself trying to be a little bit stylish with some fucking stripes on it eat my pussy straight up

dude eat my male pussy dude hey club monaco eat my male pussy with those fucking low how about you know what pisses me the fuck off is when dope clothing companies like club monaco or whatever the fuck also make shoes leave the shoes to the fucking shoe company dude if you're a fucking if you make clothes and you make pants and shirts and you make shoes eat my male pussy dude and how about the website on a club on club monaco it says enjoy 15 off i'll be the judge of fucking what i enjoy you give me the 15 off i'll judge if i like it or not how's that that's like when they say thank you on the trash can i didn't do it yet i'm just

looking at it from across the room thanks for what eat my male pussy dude you can't thank me for doing some shit i didn't do yet hey thank you for throwing away your oh really guess what i'm doing putting it on the ground dude i'll never you already did the thing that buried you you already think did the thing that ruined you and i'm pretty sure for me it's this episode of this podcast 50 enjoy 15 off i'm going to club monaco right after this and i'm walking up to the fucking guy i'm asking for their manager and i'm going to tell him look i'm right in the eye and i'm going to say hey man i'll be i'll be the judge of what the fuck I enjoy. You don't tell me what I enjoy and I'll say, what do you mean?

And I'll say, you know what the fuck I mean? And get rid of these rapist shorts. Then I'll go. That's me driving away Or when they How about the sign that's a smile you're on camera I give the finger I find the camera I give the finger And I do it with a straight play straight face straight face or straight face angry

yeah because i said place do i fuck up my words a lot yeah is it because i think too fast and i want to get the words yes now it doesn't make me angry yeah now is that god's fault yes you know why there's no God? Because people stutter. That's why. Hey God, don't make us stutter. Make us rip-roaring everything we need to say. Fucking dang-a-da-dang-a-da-dang-a-da-dang-a-da-dang-a-da. Make it fucking dang-a-da-dang-a-da-dang. That's how you know there's no God. Because it's stuttering.

Why would God make us stutter? Why? Because it's up to us? Because free will? Really? Eat my pussy. Eat my back pussy. Excuse me while I turn around. Eat my back pussy. That's code for asshole. Yum.

Eat my back pussy. Yum. I would really like to eat some back pussy. Yum. Holy shit, this is fucking off the rails you know what you elk you elk i'll fucking quit this goddamn podcast you fucking tell a friend about this shit or i'll quit this fucking thing mail it to one of your friends dude mail it to one of your friends i'm you know it to one of your friends. You know what I'm doing right now? I'm so disrespectful. I'm ordering Postmates right now on you motherfuckers.

That's what I'm doing. We're chilling, we're hanging, and I'm fucking ordering Postmates right now on you motherfuckers. Like I'm riding on you motherfuckers. Where is it? Oh, no. Postmates right now. Bam.

Doing it. During the podcast. So disrespectful. And I don't give a fuck, dude. I'm ordering from this place called Beefsteak and I'm getting a Oaxaca mole bowl. Dude, right there. Just got it. Fuck yeah, dude.

Here it comes. It'll be here before the podcast is over and I'll stop it early. I'm disrespecting you and your family, you motherfuckers. When it gets here, it goes ding dong podcast over num num num and i'm fucking sitting there with the real yum oh wait what's that shit roll up sometimes i see shit one fire is on get your wands ready first trailer for fantastic beast sequel is here why can't we just watch a movie why you gotta say shit like get your wands ready

honey get my wand press play you're not a magician you work at a bank I want a divorce that's how that conversation goes um it's just unbelievable, man. The shit that we think we are because of the internet.

Remember when the internet didn't exist? I do. I remember when I was nine and the internet didn't exist. And we knew we weren't shit. We knew we weren't shit. We knew if we had an idea, there was nowhere to put it. That idea died. that idea died.

And then 90-year-olds who died in 1989, all your ideas died with you. But now, everyone thinks they're fucking important because they have a phone. That's why when you talk shit to me, I retweet it. You've entered the octagon. Congratulations. Delete your tweet after that,

you fucking bitch. How about, I take issue with the tweet out there this week. So, John Mayer tweeted a thing that I liked, and it got like 400 million retweets. It said something like, the only way to be beautiful is to be kind or something. Otherwise, it's just congratulations on your face. That's

cool. Cute little way to say it. Nice. And then James Blunt, who burns people, here's what John Mayer said go go up scroll if you're pretty you're pretty but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving otherwise it's just congratulations about your face great cool and then james blunt came out of the woodwork and writes mate i've covered this already and everyone's like oh he burned him no he didn't that's what every song is about that's what every song is about is being beautiful on the inside james blunt wasn't the first guy to make that fucking song. Some guy named like fucking Lord something the sixth made a fucking song like that.

Back in 1200. It's not epic, everyone. Oh, it's epic. Everyone fucking says that. But John Mayer had a good way to say it. You said it the way john mayer said it no you said you're beautiful you're beautiful you're beautiful as true but i'm in a subway and i saw your face and now i'm going away i'm in a subway going somewhere And you already made the stop Or whatever

John Mayer said it a good way James Blunt sang it a different way Don't say you covered it already Cause everyone covered it already That's like saying I fucking wore a shirt I wore a shirt I wore a shirt

I wore a shirt. I wore a shirt. I wore a shirt. It's true. You think you wear a shirt too. And you think the guy wears a shirt. But I was the guy who wore the shirt first. I was the guy who wore the shirt first. How about one singing when they get real crisp?

When they're just like When they get real quiet and crispy Crispy I just, I don't know I don't know. I don't know. What do you guys want to talk about now, dude? Want to do some Twitter questions or whatever the fuck? Yeah, let's do some Twitter. Oh, or let's look at the... Oh, I think I had a most Instagram fucked up of the week.

Let me look. I just don't know what it is. I just don't know how to say it. Oh, God, there's so many. When I look at my uh-ohs. God damn. Look at this stupid shit. Uh-oh, here's one.

She didn't want to be loved. She wanted to be loved. She didn't want to love. She wanted to be loved, and that was entirely different. And then a picture of this chick, and her nipples are erect. Say yeah. Hey, we'll do a catch you later.

Okay, here we go. Oh, wait, did I already do this one? I think I did this one already. Damn it. These fucking people, dude. Oh, I already did the eyes one. I opened up my gifts, the eyes. I don't know.

Maybe we won't do it here. Let me just do this one. I'll fire one up. All right, guys. It's time for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Here we go. For Monday. Patience sure is key. Patience is everything. We all eventually end up where we need to be in life yeah tell that to somebody who fucking can't feel their legs we'll all eventually end up where we

need to be in life with who we're meant to be with yeah tell that to somebody who's fucking dying of cancer alone prematurely and their wife left them and doing what we should be doing oh yeah tell that to somebody who fucking still has to work and is 90 years old to make ends meet. It's only a matter of time. Really? Everyone fucking dies. Have patience, my... Oh, wow.

Have patience, my friends. F-R-A-N-N-D-S. Happy Monday. Happy Monday. Sending positive vibes your way all day, every day. See ya. Let's do a fucking large see ya have you ever got a see it in large excuse me do you guys have see as in large we got extra large for you

oh here's another one this was a totally unintentional photo i took of myself oh this guy's looking at the camera it's a selfie one of the first ones i ever took with my new camera. Thanks. And then thanks to the person who got it for him, I guess. It's kind of metaphorical, though. I'm in the captain's chair, the driver's seat. I can set the destination for my journey and not just this small journey from one location to another.

I'm the captain of my life. I'm in this guy. Well, first of all, definitely an only child. I'm the captain of my life, and I can set my destination. Only a white guy would write this shit. There's backseat drivers, yes. But with practice and determination, I'm learning how to shut those voices out. Oh, what about if they're telling you to fuck and you're going to hit something?

Even my own voice sometimes. And you're crazy. Oh, that's cool. You're crazy. That voice can be the harshest, but I can't let that weigh me down. Good vibes only. Am I right? Hey, how about this? You think your voice inside your head is the harshest?

What about this one? Mine. Go fuck yourself. That's harsh. See ya. These fucking people. you don't matter we'll do a catch you later I can't wait till the fucking postmates come alright let's do

let's do Twitter questions. Are you up? Are we up? Didn't we do that one? Was that last week? As a coffee lover, what do you think people will get? Oh, yeah, that's right. That's right.

Last one we had people who eat at fast food restaurants. And then this one is by Molly Belcher, at Molly Belcher 1, keeping it real. As a coffee lover, what do you think of people who go to fast food restaurants to order coffee? Well, I mean, you know, coffee is everywhere. You can get it anywhere. It's like water kind of, you know, you have,

like every place sells water, like even like Radio Shack sells bottles of water. But like as a coffee lover, if you're going to a fast food restaurant to get the coffee, just to get the coffee, that's weird. You should go to a coffee spot. But, you know, people always talk about how McDonald's has good coffee and shit and Dunkin' Donuts has good coffee. Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee tastes like like a fucking like tastes like it's terrible. But I guess the regular coffee is good. I've never had it. McDonald's ice flavored coffee is good.

But if you're getting flavored coffee, what are you doing? Drink fucking regular coffee. Yeah. When you get. I want to fight that person. Change that that i don't even care about that one um no not that one no uh okay here we go emily pope at poppycock 57 change it forgot about the ban crystalia put on Wendy's. And I ate it and now I have food poisoning.

This will teach me to disobey. You know what? Yeah. Don't eat it. Don't eat it because it's poison. Not because I didn't say. This fucking McDonald's. How about McDonald's that put the fucking upside down arches for International Women's Day?

Yo, fuck you, McDonald's. You give people, including women, cancer. Go fuck yourself. Oh, really? You put an upside down W so you'd get the good PR? Go fuck yourself. You literally kill women. These fucking backwards ass motherfuckers.

Oh, International Women women's day upside down W shut up what are you doing for women you're killing them end men see ya dude that's the that's so stupid

you fucking dumb shits oh you got a salad choice oh McDonald's you got a salad choice oh McDonald's you got a salad choice I fucking eat my dick these fucking fast food places ah here at fucking Wendy's we'll give you a carcinogen

what do they call it carcinogenics I don't know fucking whatever, I'm an idiot so everybody was posting about International Women's Day you know motherfuckers that abuse women post about it even you know, I tell you man if you have your own day

you're making your minority or whatever the fuck, you're making it its own thing. It'll always be that. We need to celebrate everybody all the time together. You can't have somebody have a day because then you're saying you don't matter as much. You're literally saying you don't matter as much. Hey, it's fucking, if I said, hey, it's fucking white guys with long hair day. I don't want, I don't, I don't want my own day. I want to be equal as everyone else and have every day just like everyone else has.

If you have your own day and you're a minority or whatever the fuck, you're saying yourself – I get it. You get a time to fucking celebrate the accomplishments of it whatever but people take it out of context and then they make it they make it uh what's that word secular no how do i what's the word is it secular secular secular meaning. No, that's not the fucking thing. And now I'm a fucking idiot and now I'm pissed. I know you're not a sports fan, but can you pick a college basketball team for the true babies to get behind? I'll tell you what, no.

This is from Matt Chitone. Hey, shit's in your name, dude. Hey, man, just because you put a C in there, shit, we still know it's shit. You put an extra T on there, the name's shitting you. No, I don't even know who is on it. I don't even know what games. Auburn, somebody's saying.

March Madness. It's not that mad. Just guys playing with a ball. I don't know who's in it. I won't pick a team. See ya. Guys running around playing the thing. Not even getting paid for it. You're in college?

It's fun? Cool. Do it yourself. Not watching. You getting paid? Maybe I'll watch. Money's on the line? Cool.

If not, don't give a fuck. People love college sports. That's the saddest thing in the world. That's the saddest thing in the world. If you like college sports because you went to that college, congratulations, you're sad. Get behind the fucking Knicks, asshole. Get behind the fucking Wizards.

Get a real team, dude. Oh, you're fucking rooting for the sooners you're sad because you went to oklahoma or whatever the fuck what'd you major in huh sociology did you pick up a ball no were you even part of the team no guess what if you were the team no guess what if you were sadder you don't play anymore see ya turn the tv off if the sooners are playing turn it on if the goddamn knicks are playing turn it on if the fucking orlando magic is playing or the miami heat if they're not playing and they're not the timber wolves turn it off and don't root for a fucking college team because you were in the same college 40 years

ago and now you got a fat gut drinking beer from a koozie. You sad? Brian Callen left me a voicemail. I'm sure it talks copious amounts of shit. And the transcript is not available. Here's the deal, iPhone.

If you're going to make it so the transcript is available, make it so all the transcripts are available. If you can't do it with the technology, don't let it happen. You remember that thing Louis C.K. went onan with and he was talking about how everything is amazing and just because you can't check your fucking wi-fi up on the airplane that you're a piece of shit you see that you know what i completely disagree with that completely fucking disagree with that if you make the thing make it work if you can't make it work all the time, don't make the thing. I mean it.

I mean it. If you can't make what airport Wi-Fi, dude, you never fucking work. You never work. Therefore, don't have airport Wi-Fi. I don't want the frustration of, does it work in this fucking terminal? Actually, it doesn't work at the Delta terminal. Really? Take it off for fucking everyone.

Take it off for everyone. Don't make something kind of work. You know? you know um I don't know I'm getting heated baby let's see where the food is

it's coming but I want you God damn it might be hard to handle fucking bill gates's son or daughter just like i want that one pointing to a minority i'd like to i'd like to purchase him you can't do that i have billions what about like a flame burns a candle, a candle burns a flame. Hall & Oates, dude, they were the shit. Every song.

Sarah, smile. If my mom heard that right now, she'd be like, I wish you sang. What else we got? Thoughts on Dr. Phil, Ellie, ellie mythical gabby whoa you know what i shouldn't even respond to your fucking thing your name's ellie on the thing and at mythical gabby change it yesterday thoughts on dr phil i i i'll watch dr phil and laugh my fucking goddamn ass off that guy that guy is I'll watch Dr. Phil and laugh my fucking goddamn ass off. That guy is...

There was one time I was on the road. I was on the road coming back from Las Vegas. One Fire, were you there? I don't think you were. It was me, fucking Chris, my brother, and Ashton. That's who it was. And I was making fun of Dr. Phil, and I was doing this fucking stupid joke where Dr. Phil was interviewing all of our friends,

and I would make fun of, like, I would do the intro. I would be like, Now, you have a big head. Like, one of our friends had a big head. He'd be like, Now, you have a big head, so what of our friends had a big head, they'd be like, now you have a big head. So what do you do in the morning when you get out of the bed? Does it ever take over and you lose your balance and can't catch up to yourself and then fall directly into the wall? Like I would do that. And your hair is too red. So what's the deal with your big head and your hair is too red?

And they were laughing so hard. It was the hardest I ever saw two of my friends laugh. They were laughing so fucking hard. I mean, one of them was just like, like, and they were crying and tears were shooting out of their face and um and um and then uh i got what the one thing that made my buddy chris laugh so hard is because i started getting it so much more and more ridiculous that he was saying the most ridiculous shit and for some reason i made i was introing people and I was – he was – Dr. Phil was losing his mind as he was introing the people.

And I said, my next guest is an Excalibur weapon. And, dude, he fucking – he cried. He was – the shit that was coming out of his face was like. And it was so funny that he was laughing, that we were starting to laugh more. And now we still say Excalibur weapon. weapon like my next guest is an excalibur weapon please welcome jordan and look everyone's just like yay dude he could say anything oh fuck oh we were crying dude on the way back from las vegas and everything is funnier too when you're when you've been somewhere for too long you know like we were in the car for five hours just sweating in some fucking mercury sable you know it was like some maroon mercury sable

that my buddy used to drive and he wasn't even driving it was my other buddy was driving because he didn't want to drive that's so las vegas but i like i like dr phil because he's fucking hilarious like that my next guest is an excalibur weapon give it up and everyone was just happy about it um we taking over one city at a time I think we're about to wrap shit up man oh wait we have oh wait hold on silly me we've got an elder oh this was the fucking one that

I showed you guys alright cool there had to be an elder when we passed this around with the one fire and my other text chain. My dad played it and he was crying laughing with my mom. Richie Pally's. At Richie Pally's for the Cuda song. He made the Cuda song, which is fucking hilarious. Richie, we're going to DM you with the details.

It's so funny, man. This this fucking thing i was crying laughing i mean do we have it we'll play it next time we'll play it next time for you guys a little bit of it it's a long it's a long song but dude it's so funny this guy like wrote and composed a real fucking coup actually you know what i bet i can fucking cuda. Actually, you know what? I bet I can fucking cuda, Google it, the song. Here comes the, no, no, no. Here comes the fucking thing, like an Americana fucking song about a Barracuda car, you know? Anyway, we'll play it next time. But it was so funny.

Or look it up. I tweeted it. Or look at it. It's at Richie Palace. Pally's? Pally's. All right. All right.

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You can buy tickets at crystalia.com. Next week, I'm announcing the second leg of the tour. Got some dates coming in there, coming up there, like New Jersey and shit like that. I think Delaware. Anyway, right now on sale, Tallahassee, Orlando, Charleston. There's a second show added. Pittsburgh, Dayton, Huntsville, Alabama. Huntsville, Alabama.

Nashville, Tennessee. Denver, Colorado added a late show.. Denver, Colorado added a late show. Boise, Idaho added a late show. Cleveland's over. Cleveland's still on here because of Juan Fire. And obviously, naturally, Juan Fire. We got the restock up. Is it up?

No, not up. Juan Fire. There are... What? Yeah, I know, but you also put Cleveland here. So maybe it's ready. This is an old copy. Juan Fire. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. You guys, our numbers are doing well. yeah I know but you also put Cleveland here so maybe it's ready this is an old copy on fire

subscribe to the YouTube channel you guys our numbers are doing well tell your friend about this if you don't is there someone close to you dude that doesn't know about this podcast why the fuck wouldn't you show it you're not doing your job as a fucking baby I mean you're trying to get to

the log cabin we're trying to get this log cabin or what I mean, you're trying to get to the log cabin We're trying to get this log cabin Or what? Download the Crystalia app for iOS or Android Subscribe, rate, and review If you haven't done any of this shit yet You know What the fuck? If you haven't done any of this shit yet

Then what the fuck's going on here? You're just listening willy-nilly? This is real motherfucking shit, dude. Video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Are you somebody who says, oh, how come the video episodes come up later? Then what the fuck are you doing, dude? Get with it, man. Man on fire, incorrig cordial white male black comma.

You can watch that shit. Find it. I was on The Good Doctor last night. If you saw it, thanks. If you didn't... What the fuck you doing then, man? Well, do it live. Dude.

Fucking Good Doctor. I mean it. You don't fucking... You don't fucking rate and review and subscribe and watch the fucking video. You don't friend. Congratulations. Hexcaliper weapon. Congratulations. Good night.

Congratulations. Congratulations. Oh, fuck. Congratulations. Good night. you