Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 60. Jojo’s Cup

Episode Date: March 19, 2018

It's the 60th episode, Wow! On today's show, Chris talks about childhood influences. Also discussed: following Sebastian, nude beach babysitters, showing your family love, an email from Uncle Vinny, and bouncy balls. Also, Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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It's episode 60. We got episode 60 going here. I didn't know. I had, like I keep saying, and like I said before, and like I will say again, I had no idea that we'd be in episode 60. I thought maybe we'd be 14 or whatever. But, you know, daddy got a fucking haircut a little bit. And when daddy gets a haircut, all of his friends say, oh, you got a haircut? And then I then i say yeah that's as far as that conversation ever goes by the way oh you got a haircut huh yeah oh it looks good cool that's as far as it ever goes you might as well say la la la la la and then the other guy and then you go and then

the other guy goes because it's all what it is and it may it means nothing you know i used to have a thing where and i guess I still think about this, but like, if you wear red shoes, it doesn't matter what the fuck they are. People will just be like, ah, nice shoes because they, they, they're out of the ordinary and they don't even mean nice shoes. They just mean, oh, those shoes are red. That's exactly what they mean when they say, when they see red shoes and they say, Hey, cool shoes. What they mean is those shoes are red if they were another color they wouldn't be that cool right it's still the same literally the same shoe but the color is making them say hey cool shoes ikuda um just because the shoes red is cool what if it was fucking black you wouldn't say that you might think that but you wouldn't say it you killed um i got uh yeah i got a little

bit of a haircut and every time i go to get my haircut and if i'll put it like on my instagram story people will be like no like hair doesn't grow back or or like oh no like i'm gonna shave it dude i've had the same haircut for fucking 15 years it's gonna. Also, it's just hair. And also, the older we get, the more we lose anyway. See you later. But yeah, I... Butter's jumping up on that fucking orange couch, man. Killing it. Hey, B.

What's up, B? He always looks at me so insecure, dude. Every time I look at Butter, she's always looking at me like, did I do something wrong? Dude, I don't hit you. I give you a little bit of pap on the fucking nose if you piss on the curtains like you tried to do the other day. Dude, these fucking dogs, man, they know right from wrong. And if I sleep too late, sometimes they'll go shit in the bathroom.

At least they use the bathroom, you know. That's respectable. See, that's how I know that they know what to do. Because they'll be like, well, I can't shit near them. Because when I first got the dogs, they use the bathroom, you know, that's respectable. See, that's how I know that they know what to do. Cause it'd be like, well, I can't, can't shit near him. Cause when I first got the dogs, they shit the bed, like the fucking saying, they literally shit in my bed while I was in it. And I said no a bunch of times. And now they go to the bathroom to do it when it, when they're, you know, when I sleep too

late, which is a lot, a lot of the time I sleep too late because I'm a comedian. I was at the comedy store. I had to follow Sebastian a bunch of times this past weekend. Always dislike and enjoy following him because he's a killer, but it's fun to follow him because it's fun to try and fucking get the crowd going after somebody who kills. I don't understand. A lot of comedians will try and jockey their position so they don't have to follow a killer. I like following killers because it keeps you sharp.

First of all, it keeps you sharp. And second of all, it's really hard to do. And if you do it, you feel good. And if you don't do it, then fuck it. You're like, all right, it wasn't my night. That guy fucking killed. It was his night. It's fine. You're not going to be the best every single time.

I know guys. I know comedians. There are comedians out there that just, like, if they're on a show, they don't want other fucking hard-hitting comedians on that show because they want to be the best. And that's some pussy shit. That's some fucking straight-up pussy shit. Dude, when I'm on a show, I want Rogan. I want Sebastian. I want Bill Burr. I want fucking Chris. I want Sebastian. I want Bill Burr.

I want fucking Chris Rock to show up. I want all that shit, dude. It's fucking. I want to be the guy. I want to be the underdog. I want to be. I want to be the guy who people are like, oh, this fucking guy. We got to watch this guy now.

We were just in between two. We were watching everybody kill. And now we got to watch this fucking guy. And then I fucking. You know what I'm talking about. And then I do the fucking DJ Khaled song. Of course, I don't have it queued up. You know, actually, maybe I still have it in my.

How about the fucking. Dude, my favorite meme. this one dude when the fucking guy like is gonna go fall down and then as he's as he's falling down he go instead of falling down he goes fucking he just goes fucking blasting into outer space right here it's so funny that song's already funny dude how about the fucking thing did you ever see the guy the the the video online where he's like uh where the guy does the skater skate move and the guy does the skate move and the guy goes like, that was legitness. Did you ever see that one? Google, that was legitness.

Anyway, I remember when I was in fucking elementary school, I thought it was cool to say coolness like a fucking piece of shit. I thought it was cool to say coolness. I think I, cause I heard like Parker Lewis saying I'm Parker Lewis can't lose. Or maybe I, maybe I don't even know. I don't even know if that's from that.

But I remember I had a crush on this girl named Rosemary. I was at a, and she would wear, and she would wear like the, I was in New Jersey and she'd wear these fucking, all the girls would wear these, like the crew neck sweaters that were like billowy and shit. Fuck. Who was in my class? Rosemary. Who else? The girl named Haley. I had a crush on forever and Rosemary and Haley were friends and I had a crush on both of them.

And then, uh, there was a girl named, Oh, there was a girl named Yale, I think. And this was the first fucking baller move I ever did. Oh, this was the first baller move I ever did when I was fucking... I was... Fuck. I must have been in like fifth grade. People told me Yale had a crush on me. And... And something went down where I was like, Yale was like being annoying or something.

And I was like upset about it. And somebody was like, well, why do you think she's being annoying? And I said, you want to fucking know? And they said, yeah. And Yale was there. And I said, it's because she likes me and has a crush on me and she goes she says no i don't obviously because you're in fifth grade not gonna admit that and i said yeah you do that was the fucking birth you know what i mean that

was the fucking congratulations birth where i was gonna stare directly in somebody's eyes and fucking call them out on that shit and i was in fifth grade and i was like stand by it and i and it fucked me up because she was like no you don't and i was like all right here i knew this was going to happen in my in my heart and in my head my heart started racing and i was like oh you're gonna lie now in fifth grade imagine me are you gonna lie now okay cool then you don't have a crush in my my fucking, in my, what was the clothing? Fuck, what was that? The shit I used to wear. Goddamn.

I had this shirt I like with handprints on it. I thought it was so dope. Like I was in Color Me Bad. What the fuck was that shirt? I have no idea. But it, what? No, it wasn't body glove or hyper colors. Those were also them. I have no idea. But it, what? No, it wasn't body glove or hyper colors.

Those were also them. You know, it might have not been that big. It might have just been a cool shirt. But it was a shirt that was like white, white-ish. It was like off-white and had blue handprints on it. Let me tell you right now, if I had that shirt now, it would be bonkers, dude. It would be the fucking illest shirt ever. It wouldn't even fit.

It would be too small because I was in fifth grade grade i still wear that shit with some tight jeans oh man just looking fucking fancy as shit it's just look like i fuck guys for real and just be like nah it's just been my favorite shirt you motherfuckers me me me me me me me me me me me and then start fucking guys in outer space. Oh, man. Yeah, dude. I fucking put Yale in her place, dude. You need to start putting people in their place in fifth grade, bro. Start early so people know how you are so they're not surprised later, right? That's what Trump did. He's not surprising anybody surprising anybody now right he's not surprising motherfuckers

the guy's like guy fucked a porn star while he was married and and paid her to hush up and we're like ah that's our crazy president that's how you do it, bro, yeah, man, childhood was fucking, ah, fucking, what about, man, growing up in New Jersey was the shit, my best friend lived next door, Matt Trevenen, dude, I used to get so scared in my fucking, while I would sleep, I could never sleep over a person's, my imagination was crazy, dude, I remember one time my mom and dad were going on vacation and the car came to pick them up for the airport. And I saw the guy who was picking them up for the airport and immediately he had like thinning hair but like a ponytail. And it was pulled back and he had like a nice blazer on because he was a driver I guess.

And some car service or some shit that they hired to take him to the airport. And he showed up. And I got so scared because to me he looked like a villain. And I had just seen too many movies already. But I was like, he's going to kill them on the way to the airport. Like as a fucking fourth grader. I was like, that guy's going to kill my parents because of how he looks already prejudiced as shit as a fourth grader. But I was like, I got to fucking,

well, I got to, I got to make sure he doesn't do, I got to at least warn my parents. And I was like, look, Chris, you know, they're going to, I didn't even want them to go. I was like, he's going to kill him. He's going to fucking murder him. And so I was like, mom, I said, mom, come here. And she came over and I said, be very careful because that guy looks really like, he looks like an evil guy. He looks like a bad guy. And I'm afraid he's going to kill you on the way to the airport. That was legitimately what I said to my mom. And she was like, okay, I'll be, I'll be very careful and we'll make sure that that doesn't

happen. And I, and it didn't happen. Whoever was watching me at the time, whoever stayed with me for a fucking week while they were wherever they were, told me, your parents landed safely and it's okay. We didn't have cell phones back then, so you had to wait fucking 17 hours until you got a phone call and make sure everybody's okay. And he didn't do it. And that, you know, dude, I would fucking, I was in, I was an insane motherfucker as a kid. There was a girl that used to babysit us. Jojo, her name was, I didn't like the way her mouth was, you know, her mouth was like all like,

I don't know. I don't even know. I just decided i didn't like the way her mouth was and she used this cup once as when we were and and and and we had different color cups like we had a a fucking purple cup a clear cup a greenish blue cup and a blue cup and a fucking pink cup and pink and then purple they were all like kind of like versions of each other and then they had a red there was a red cup and there were like seven or eight of them it's probably an even number because it was a set and that was like the cups that we would use you know and i remember those motherfucking cups so vividly i remember those motherfucking cups so vividly that sounds like a tupac lyric for like a privileged one. Anyway, so JoJo used the first time we had the cups and JoJo came over.

She used the fucking greenish blue cup, okay? And I decided that was going to be her cup forever. So whenever she came to go babysit us, I was going to fucking make sure if she wanted something to drink she was going to get the green cup Greenish blue cup So if she was like I'm thirsty and even if she went to go grab the pink cup I would be like here use this one instead Even though they washed the cup And I would tell my parents I could talk about this because Juju is definitely dead now

And even if she's not she's 90 and she doesn't listen to podcasts And even if she does she doesn't listen to mine Um And uh listen to podcasts and even if she does she doesn't listen to mine um and uh and she fucking uh she would she would use that cup and i would tell my parents i was like look my mom would give me finally i was like i don't want to tell my parents that i don't want to use the cup because my parents already thought i was crazy because i have fucking like crazy like i wanted them to call me crazy legs like legit legitness i wanted to call them to call me like I wanted them to call me crazy legs, like legit. Legitness.

I wanted them to call me. I wanted my parents to call me crazy legs, dude. I asked my parents genuinely, hey, will you call me crazy legs? And they said no. I said, at least at the dinner table. And my dad said, no, I named you fucking Chris, you asshole. But I wanted that. I think I talked about this on Rogan.

I don't know. But anyway, so I was always like trying to hide my craziness, you know, because I didn't want my parents to think they had a fucking crazy kid. So my fucking mom finally once poured the fucking liquid that for me, whatever it was, you know, water or soda or milk with the ice cubes clanking around here it comes in the fucking greenish blue cup and i'm in my head i'm like that's jojo's cup i don't want her fucking mouth to touch something in my mouth to touch something so now the fucking cup comes by and i was like my i don, can you put it in a different cup? And she says, why? And I said, look, I don't want to get into it, but that's Jojo's cup. And she's like, what do you mean?

And I said, that's the cup that Jojo uses every time she babysits. My mom didn't know. My mom didn't know because she wasn't around when Jojo was around. She was somewhere else. She's like, I always, look, I always make sure that that's Jojo's cup and that's Jojo's cup and I want to use Jojo's cup because you know I don't like her mouth it's weird and it does weird things and I don't want her fucking germs on my germ on my mouth in my mouth and she said we washed the cups and I said yeah but it doesn't matter he said you know when you wash a cup in a dishwasher it gets it uses really hot

water and soap. I was like, yeah, but there's some germs floating around. She says, it all gets mixed up anyway in the dishwasher. I said, can you give me the pink cup or some shit? And so she poured it out and put, all right, we got to use it. You can't give Chris Jojo's cup. And that was always the joke, right? Can't give Chris Jojo's fucking cup.

So then they'd give me the pink cup or the purple cup cup and nobody else cared if they had the Jojo's cup. And I was like, all right, fucking, you know, that's your own fucking funeral. And then, and then, and then fucking, they didn't know, they didn't know, they didn't respect it, is the thing, they didn't respect my way of thinking, because they knew I was being a,

you know, like, oh, ridiculous, which I understand I was being ridiculous, and I'm not like that now, I would drink out of any cup, whatever,

but like, they were trying to get, they would be like, here's the cup, oh, we don't, here's the cup that Chris likes, and they would give me the fucking blue,

blue green cup, and, but they, they thought that Joe, because the blue cup, and the blue green cup looked it was like very similar. And they'd be like, don't give Chris Jojo's cup. And they'd be like, that's the blue one. I'd be like, ma, there's a difference between fucking blue and blue green. Jojo's cup was the blue green cup. I would imagine a fucking nine year old just like, guys, sit down. Jojo's cup is the blue green cup.

I don't want to use Jojo's cup because i don't like the way her mouth is and she puts i make sure every time she babysits i was like a little fucking stalling and i never used fucking jojo's cup i ever ever we got rid of those cups obviously we don't still have them because it's a fucking century later. You know what I wish right now? I had fucking JoJo's Cup. I wish that was, you know, they say, you know, you become what you hate. Well, that's, I wish I had JoJo's Cup. That will be my cup from now on. I would conquer that fucking OCD thought or that bullshit thought.

And I'd make that cup my cup. Dude, I feel like we all had shit like that as a little kid, but I, that shit got worse for me. Like I have crazy fucking thoughts. I remember one time we had this babysitter. I can't remember her name. She was French and she was like hot. She was like a hot babysitter. And one time, what the fuck was her name? She was like this blonde French hot babysitter. We were always getting like these fucking French or like Brazilian babysitters.

Like where the fuck did they come from? We were in New Jersey. They'd be like, hi, we're here to watch the kids. Get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get, get. Oh, oui, oui. I am here to watch the kids. And I was like it. Kick it. Kick it. Kick it. Oh, wee wee. I am here to watch the kids. And I was like getting fucking, I was just getting boners and shit.

One of them was like named Maria. But one of them was blonde. And I had heard, this is a real fucking story. I had heard that French babysit, I heard that French people had like nude beaches. God, this fucking babysitter must, I mean, in my head she's older than me right but i'm 37 and oh i mean she's definitely older than me but like but like in my head while she was babysitting even in my memory she's older than me so it's like i'm imagining her as 45 this girl was like fucking 18 you know she's 19 or 20. She's probably so hot. But as a fucking seven year old, I was, and my, my brother was probably five and I was probably, I was nine.

Right. Cause my brother's four years younger than me. So I was like, uh, I was like to my brother, I was like, you know, they have new beaches in France. Let's try to get her to show it. Like, it's not a big deal to show us her, her boobs. And I was like, we were watching TV and I and i was like uh like just picture me just being all like fucking like in a in a you know like a cool ass hat with like a suit on even though i was just

in like a t-shirt and boxers probably picking my nose drinking high c and i was like, hey, you know, there are nude beaches in France, right? And she was like, oh, yeah, you know, like, we cannot. We have nude beaches. It is not a big deal in America. We cannot. We have. You have to cover up, but it's not a big deal. And in my head, I was like, I'm going to fucking finagle this to see some fucking debts as a nine-year-old you know

i'm gonna try and see some boobs so i was like well yes it's not a big deal here either people make it a big deal but it's not she's like oh yeah and my brother was just quiet as fuck you know like what the fuck i can't believe what chris is trying to pull with his little bowl haircut like fucking jim carrey and dumb and dumber and then she was like uh yeah i was like if it's not a big it's like can i touch him she was like i guess if your mom wouldn't think i was like yeah she doesn't care and i and i and i and or i think I asked to see him first. Right.

And she lift them up and she pulled her fucking tits out, dude. I was fucking eight and she pulled her boobs out. I mean, you know, I was fucking at the most. I was 11 at the most. Cause we moved when i was 12 so and i was like ever the first time i saw boobs in real life and then um my brother i don't even remember what he was doing but he was just sitting staring on just like my brother was like because he got to see boobs in his life for the first time at five bro this is how i was trying to help my fucking brother right

and then i was like can i touch him and she was like as long as your mom wouldn't care i was like yeah yeah yeah she's she's like cool how the fuck was i doing how the fuck was i like manipulating the situation as like a 10 year old like a 10 year old fucking uh what's the guy's name who fucking dietrich uh the writer who fucking got hitler involved dietrich fucking i don't know who the fucking guy was who fucking got hitler into the naz party. Dietrich. He didn't trick him. Dietrich Eckhart. Eckhart.

Dietrich Eckhart. That's who I was. Like some little German fucking nine-year-old trying to get Hitler involved to the Nazi party to use as my fucking plan to fucking take... I was like, just can we see your boobs? And she was like,

yeah, as long as your mom doesn't get... Yes, we don't care she's cool let us see and she showed us and then and then she was like uh and then she was like showed me the words and i said can i touch them and she was like uh as long as your mom doesn't care yeah she's cool and then she and then she was like okay and she pulled her boob out. And I went, I literally went like this, like where you cup it under and hubba hubba it. Like I didn't like caress it like a fucking nice gentleman. I fucking like jiggled it like how a cartoon would do it because I didn't know anything. And I remember I did it. And then I went like this afterwards cartoon would do it because i didn't know anything and i remember i

did it and then i went like this afterwards i did it and i went like a fucking like like oh gross girls and like i i even even as a nine-year-old when i did that i i in my head i thought oh that was gay i did that you know like oh why am I acting like I don't like it? Or like, I like it, you know, even as a nine year old, I was like, oh, I don't want her to think I'm gay or not gay, but like, cause I didn't know about gay yet, but like a fem, like a feminine, you know, I didn't want her. I want her to think I was a real man as a fucking 10 year old. I was thinking this.

And then, uh, and then i and then wow that's fucking so funny but i fucking dietrich eckhart her eckharted her and she was my hitler and then she never babysat us again because my brother i told my brother i was like listen don't tell mom and dad because we got like the hookups now. We got the fucking dope babysitter. She's going to come by and show us her fucking boobs every time. My brother's like, all right, I won't tell. And then fucking, they told her. He told them.

And of course, she didn't fucking babysit anymore. And I was like, Matt, you're fucking up my, yo, you're fucking up my girl situation, bro. Anyway, dude. I'll tell you what. That babysitter used any cup she wanted. And I fucking used it. I used it right after. I didn't give a fuck.

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Look, if you haven't heard, which means you're a dumbo because you listen to this podcast, and episode 60 isn't the first podcast of mine you've listened to. We are all switching to the cash app. We've already done it. Me, one fire and one get rid of. That's what I'm going to start calling the second one. We all switch to the cash app. He's Russian or whatever that would be. Get rid of. Get rid of. It's the simplest way to pay people back. Friends, family, you can pay one fire back, one get rid of back, anyone, okay? You can pay dogs back if they have a cell phone. Sending and receiving money is totally free and fast and most payments can be deposited directly

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cause to me. One fire and one get rid of, uh, download the free cash app for iOS or Android now. Yeah. I talked a lot about my childhood. It's crazy the way stuff shapes you and all that, you know, I think about that. I do. I think about about this the way stuff shapes you and the way stuff shapes people and how everything is nobody's fault because of the way they were brought up by the fucking people that brought them up basically whose fault it was was the first two people they fucked everything up they ruined bringing up other people and then those people kept on and as time went on everyone just got so fucked up i mean kim jong-un who's in the guy now kim jong-un

who's kim jong-il before him right and before him who was it it's going to get worse and worse because they keep fucking up their offspring you know know, we all fuck each other up. Tupac said, I'm the product of the environment that fucking made me. And he's right. He's right. It's not somebody's fault.

It's crazy, right? Especially because some people's minds are just fucking broken. I mean, they lock people up who do heroin in jail. You know? That's fucking weird. They got a real problem and they're just going to lock them the fuck up. I don't know.

Look, I'm not saying I know what to do. I think I know a little bit about what not to do just because I'm pers. But like uh yeah people get so fucked up and then they become 70 and there's no change in them here's the deal i was at a coffee shop two days ago and i was not paying attention there was somebody in front of me. I was waiting for them. Now, they were taking entirely too long, and it's because they were a 70-year-old woman. No, she wasn't 70.

She was probably 55. No, she was probably 60. Now, she was taking entirely too long, and it wasn't because she was an old lady. It was because she was an annoying person. That's why. You knew when this woman was 25, she was still the kind of person that took too long. It wasn't the kind of thing where you're like, oh, old lady.

Yep. She was just like, it's like, yeah, you're taking too long because you don't give a fuck about anybody else. So she was taking too long and I was busy. I was, what do you call it, not paying attention. And I was facing the other way and I turned around and I bumped her a little bit with my shoulder. I mean, I didn't even bump her. I brushed her. It wasn't a bump.

I wouldn't say it was a bump. This is like a Seinfeld episode. Was it a bump or a brush? It was a brush. And I turned around. I said, oh, this is exactly how I said it. I said, oh, I'm so sorry. I wasn't paying attention.

And she looked, and she just went like, you know. So I stepped further away from her. I was about two, at least two feet from her now. No, I was more than two feet from her. She kept looking back.

At least 30 seconds went by. She kept kind of looking back and she was figuring out what to get. First of all, it was taking too long already. And now she's just taking way too long. And she kept looking back. At least 30 seconds went by. She kept kind of looking back as she was figuring out what to get. First of all, it was taking too long already, and now she's just taking way too long. And she kept looking back at me. I was like, why the fuck is she looking back at me? It was very weird. And now I was paying attention. And over 30 seconds goes by, and then she looks back at me finally a last time,

and she says, could you please not bump into me again? And I look at her. And I just start laughing. Because, like, what the fuck is wrong with you, lady? First of all, way too much time went by. I stepped back over two feet. Like, was I planning to? Oh, oh. And then after the fucking thing, she was waiting for her.

Oh, God. She was waiting for her drink just like and she was going like this. Like rubbing it like I fucking beat her. Like rubbing it like I fucking beat her. And then she kept fucking like looking at me and then like and then and then other and then and then I realized that she was a little bit like weird because she kept on like looking at other people talking to them for no reason but like either her mind is broken or she was raised so wrong that she is fucked up and it's not even her fault but i wanted to get mad at her i mean obviously i didn't say anything because who gives a fuck and i'm trying to be as normal as i can but she was but it was so weird imagine how many fucking weird jojo's Cup stories she has in her childhood.

You know? God. I was reading this book called Come Here. And it was about the guy who ran American University. I think it's in like D.C. or something. I don't know. But he was having all sorts of like weird thoughts about like being attracted to children. And he didn't – and he was trying to trace it back.

Why? And it was because he realized that like his mom and dad molested him. And yeah, what was it? Mom and dad molested him. And. Yeah. What was it? Yeah. Washington, D.C. The book is called Come Here.

I read it. And it's fucked up. A man overcomes the tragic aftermath of. What is it? Yeah. Of childhood sexual abuse. Anyway. He was starting to like it's really really interesting because the guy like like overcame it and didn't molest anybody but like understood that he wanted to he had those that inclination and he got i think he got he resigned from that because he was he was from that. Cause he was,

he was like starting to like, I think email or something, college kids. And he was just realizing it was inappropriate and then just resigned and then wrote this book, Richard Lorenzen. Anyway, it was a good,

it's a good book. And it was really interesting. I have no fucking idea why I read it. Like where the fuck, but, um, it was interesting, and it was really interesting. I have no fucking idea why I read it. Like, what the fuck? But it was interesting because that, it was like, it's like the cycle, you know? But that's what it is, though. Like, you think I'm not going to have fucking kids that aren't weird that have, like, I don't want to use fucking our babysitter's cup,

and then I'm just going to be like, yeah, I get it. Fuck, for fuck's sake. I told you, my uncle has two wallets. It runs in my fucking family. By the way, did I read the fucking email that my uncle sent me on air? Remember when I was talking about, all right, I got to read this shit. What? Yeah, he sent me an email.

No, no, no, he didn't even send me an email. He sent the fucking podcast an email on my website. He's got my number. He's my uncle fucking vinny god what is that vinny i probably don't there we go why can you never look at up mail in the fucking of course still searching not gonna find here it is oh wait no because it wasn't from him it was from fucking one fire god i gotta find the fucking i mean so far back uh he sent Fier sent me the fucking email and he just wrote, I mean... And then...

Fuck, where is it? Let me see if I can find it because it's really funny. Because this is how fucked up my family is. You know what? What episode was that uh that we talked about it i guess we don't know huh i'm trying to look at uh no i'm not gonna find this for fuck's sake

what oh you know what i'm gonna i'm gonna okay wallet if i just put wallet in the search thing it should show up right all right here we go got it here it is all right so one fire sent me this this is two so all right so for those of you that didn't listen to the episode which probably a lot of you did but my this is why this is why i'm so fucked up because this is what my family does, okay? So I talked about how my uncle has two wallets. My Uncle Vinny has two fucking wallets. He keeps ones in one and keeps other money in the other. And I forgot that he – you know what? I'm just going to read the email.

I was making fun of him why he keeps two wallets and how fucking ridiculous it is and how my family always makes how my family always makes fun of him for it and then he always tries to explain why all right it was bald face lot bare face lie that's what that episode was because he's he's um all right so here's here's oh and i talked to i talked also about the digestive drink i referred to is underberg about how like you overeat remember i was talking about that you overeat and then you take the underberg and you feel better anyway this is the fucking so my uncle i guess he listens to the i know he listens to some of the podcasts and i guess he heard this one or maybe somebody so maybe somebody who he knows alerted him to it because Because, all right, so here we go. So he emails, first of all, the website.

The podcast website. Not me. He has my number. He doesn't call me. He doesn't text me. He knows it's going to go to the fucking one fire. Subject. First of all, it's from his fucking law firm email address.

Email address. All right. Subject. Two wallets slash Underberg. That's the subject. Okay. Message. I respect.

Look how lunatic he is. I respectfully submit that you are a bold, bald, barefaced liar. I have two wallets and two money clips. All right? If you put all your money, credit cards, health cards, ID cards, driver's license, etc., in one wallet, you are walking around with a wallet the size of the Manhattan phone book. All right? It's hard to argue that. It's true. There's a lot of shit to put in one wallet, all right? He's a really good arguer. He's a fucking lawyer, okay? With two wallets evenly distributed in back pockets, I achieve buttock balance and comfort. As to the two money clips,

in parentheses, in two different front pockets, just imagine we are hanging out one day and one thing leads to another and we wind up at a strip club. I am prepared with $1 bills. You are not. He doesn't go to strip clubs.

Second of all, we're not going to go. When the strip club valet, in parentheses to a tip returns my car i have the singles to tip him and you look like a cheap bastard all right next suppose we get mugged i give the mugger my singles money clip and a wallet with no credit cards. He does not know about my more valuable money clip or my more valued wallet. I minimized my loss. But you, in parentheses, one wallet with all your money, credit cards, etc. in it are left penniless. And there is a greater likelihood that the muggers will beat the crap out of you because you were too stupid to have two wallets money clips.

How does that make sense? And there's a greater likelihood that whatever. Furthermore, the quote unquote digestive drink you refer to is called Underberg. It is made from herbs and bitters and has been selling worldwide for over 150 years. In parentheses. That is before you were born. And I never said that you should overeat and then take Underberg so you can overeat some more. I will admit, however, that it's not a bad idea.

I will let you know tomorrow. So let this message serve as a formal notice that you are to immediately cease and desist from your unauthorized, slanderous comments about me. And if you cannot do both, then at least desist or cease whatever is easier love uncle vinnie oh i fucking love my family man of course i forwarded this to the rest of my family and my dad fucking emailed me back i'm crying and i i assumed it was because uh i assumed something it was i assumed because he was crying laughing.

But now that I think about it, it's probably because that has to be his brother. Fuck. How do you grow up not crazy? And I'm not saying I'm crazy, like obviously. But like how do you grow up not affected by that fucking lunacy? My family. My parents. My Uncle Richard. My Uncle Vinny. My aunts. affected by that fucking lunacy my family my parents my uncle richard my uncle vinnie

my aunts man i was with them yesterday some of my my parent and i put up an instagram video of us but all we do is talk shit and laugh about it. It's so fucking, it feels so healthy, man. I fucking, I'm real fortunate, man. And I try not to take it for granted. You know, my dad's going to be 70 in a few days. And it's just, you, it's just,

uh, you know, I guess I suppose that's why I was thinking about my childhood lately because I've been, um, I've been, uh, thinking about all the times that I've had with them and shit and like how

great it is and how much like fucking love is there, man. Like, like doing that shit. Like, they're packing up their shit and they're moving. And, you know, my dad would be annoying as shit. He was just like, you got to help us pack before the fucking movers get here. Which is like, what the fuck are you getting the movers for, you know?

And I'm driving down to the beach just all fucking, it's so far and shit, and I get there and, you know, maybe in my 20s I would have been like, why the fuck do I have to do this? But I got there and it was just nice to spend time with them and make fun of them and be made fun of and fucking show love that way. That's how we do it. And it was just, I put up some video on Instagram because, I don't know.

I think, family's relatable and shit, I guess. But, they, we had a good time. We're just laughing and shit, making fun of each other,

calling each other assholes. But yeah, I don't know. You know, that's why I was thinking about my childhood and i i don't think i consciously wanted to talk about it on my podcast it wasn't in my notes or anything but you know your parents get older and you gotta fucking you know or not even just parents people get older and you gotta i get i don't want to be

one of those corny motherfuckers that's like cherish the time you have while your fucking parents or people are on the earth and while you're on the earth, but it's like, who cares? My brother would say you're going to die anyway. What's it matter? But, you know, it's cool to think about. Fuck, that's fucked, right? That's all we have.

Pictures and shit and memories. That's so fucked. I forget so much shit people remind me shit i'm like really that happened and they're like yeah last tuesday i was like ah shit i wish i remember that because that sounds awesome did somebody take a fucking snapchat of it yeah yeah i was i was in therapy once for years just like you know going because i thought it was a good idea just to keep mentally healthy and one thing that my fucking therapist said and i always think about this is you know she was talking about when her parents died and she was talking about how it's the worst thing you go through.

And the only good part about it is, and this is what fucked me up. The only good part about your parents dying is that you never have to do it again. You never have to go through it again. And that's crazy. There's so few things like that. Hopefully, because like, look, other things don't happen to people. Like, don't happen to everybody.

Like, you know, some people's kids get murdered, but it doesn't happen to everybody. Some people get fucking raped. That doesn't happen to everybody. Of course, it's great that that doesn't ever have to happen again if it happens to you but but it still could you know if you have more kids or fucking you're in the wrong area wrong time but your parents never die twice and that's the only fucking thing that's good about that that's fucking crazy that stuck with me a lot and i fucking think about that all the time

i don't mean to get all serious dude but man that's got to be the fucking i don't know like i i love my parents so much that's going to be fucking anyway i don't want to think about that supposed to be a comedy podcast jesus christ you know what though seriously you guys gotta fucking we gotta we gotta get through everything man it can't just be fucking bam bam bam bam comedy all the time it you gotta take some dips you gotta fucking come with me dude this is a cult you're not this is not a podcast this is a cult we're joking we're laughing we're having a good time and then we we get fucking, we get real because not because we try to, or it's by design, just because that's what happens is the ebb and

the flow of conversation and the, and the cult man, when we're in the log cabin later on, I can't, we can't, there's going to be times there's going to be hard times. There's going to be times where people get, you know, don't get along. People get, you know, people are going to be times where people get you know don't get along people get you know people are going to die people are going to thrive and be happy but people are also going to hurt their knee and then we got a fucking oh shit get it rub it get an ice pack and is he okay you know this is what we're preparing you for life fuck college dude that doesn't do shit i, it does some stuff. But like, you know, this is real shit, dude. And dude, I need you. I know I'm the cult leader, but I need you motherfuckers.

I really do, dude. I need you to spread the fucking word and help our cause and live this hedonistic lifestyle and get fucked and sucked. Back to comedy. And get fucked and sucked. Um. Back to comedy. This guy last year. No year. What am I saying dude? Last week. Like I just say shit.

Last week. The elder. Um. And uh. Last week, The Elder. And he did this cuda song. Richie, what is it? Richie Pally's, right? Yeah. He did this cuda song.

I don't know if you guys heard it, but I'm going to play a little bit of it. This shit is brilliant. That's so beautiful so far. When you share your thoughts and you've got a fake tail When you're on the beach and you're holding hands And when you post it all on your Instagram You're a cooter Young When you wear your scarf On a summer's day And when you take off work

On the fifth of May And when you stuff your face On a donut day, you're a cuda. You're a cuda. You're a cuda. You're a cuda. You're a cuda. now you might feel like well that's a bit too much Well, that's a bit too much, but you're never too far from people who are waiting in line for lunch or people gambling and wearing bibs and buying things at Cuddy Doll. You're a cooter You're a cooter You're a cooter

If you spend your life Playing dry and light Turn around Turn around And if you see your nose Turn around, turn around And if you see your nose is facing mine Turn around, turn around And if you're feeling bold and you won't turn around, take a few steps back and listen to that beautiful sound.

Listen to that beautiful sound. Listen to that beautiful sound. Listen to that beautiful sound. Now there's some in you and there's some in me but a baby's call is to be cuda free. And if you think I'm being harsh

or even if you disagree you're a cooter. When you buy colored rocks stacked on one another, and you play frisbee golf and order fish from a diner. crispy golf and order fish from a diner. And if you see a chairman on your favorite show and it takes you out of it,

you're a cooter. He's a cooter, yeah. You're a cooter. She likes shiny things. You're a cooter. He execulates. You're a cooter. She thinks pizza's cool Your recruiter

He likes Simon Your recruiter Has a beer of clown Your recruiter Jump back in the room Your recruiter Young Dude, that fucking song.

Jesus Christ, it's so funny. The first time I heard it, I was fucking laughing so hard. Jesus Christ, it makes me emotional a little bit. Why the fuck does that happen? For fuck's sake. Jesus Christ, it makes me want to fucking cry a little bit uh because it's true you know there's fucking god it's hard to fucking be uh and it's hard to not um uh it's hard to not uh not be cuda you know i, I know it's funny and shit, but it's fucking true. That song is pretty,

and he's just emotional about fucking people being cudas. I appreciate that, man. I was thinking, too, you know what was funny? What else I remember from going to therapy was, you know, you're there for, for therapy and you're there to help to get your, your shit and have the person help you and all that shit or whatever, at least talk some shit out. And, um, I, I, uh, I me though, you know, and like I, when I'm, you know, I make fun of shit and all that. So I'd like sometimes give her shit and ask her stuff like about her, even her life or the room and shit.

And she never really, you know, talked too much about it. But there was this stupid fucking, there were these figurines that were uh holding hands but they were individual right like you could move them however you wanted and they were holding each other's hands uh or touching you know it was supposed to be like and they were all from different um backgrounds like the people some were darker than others and some were fucking swedish and shit and you know they tried to there were maybe like 10 of them and they were all set up and one of them didn't have an arm right like because it broke not because it didn't and i said to her i was like why is that i was like there's not an arm there what the fuck happened is like is that

supposed to be like the disabled one and she laughed and she was like nah she's like it actually pisses me off i said how come and she said well because when i moved into this office i i dropped one of them and uh the the arm came off. And so when I set them up, I set them up, but I put the arm down next to the one without the arm. That broke off. And it was like that for a while until one of my clients or patients said, hey, that arm is broken. I noticed I fix stuff like this all the time. Um, I can, uh, I can take

that for you and I have the glue at home and I can just put, put it good as new and it won't, and it'll look normal. And so she, so she said, okay. And she took the fucking thing back. And when she came back the next week for therapy she came back with the figurine without the arm and she said i'm so so so sorry um but i i not only didn't fix it i i lost the arm i don't know where it is and the therapist was like oh well you know try to make her not feel bad. That's okay. You know, it's all right. But it did upset.

And she said to me, and it always really upset me because every time I look at it, I know I had the arm and now I don't have it. And I probably could have done it myself. And it just buzzed me out that that's not there because these figurines she got like on a trip somewhere years ago that really meant something to her and all that shit. And I said, yeah, that's true. like on a trip somewhere years ago that really meant something to her and all that shit and i said yeah that's um that's true you could you could be really upset about that but also like that's i said something like that's what's supposed to happen like you know you got those fucking figurines and you enjoyed them as much as you could with the arm and then you dropped it. And you lost and you thought somebody was going to help you and they fucking lost the arm themselves.

And they brought the arm. They brought the thing back without the arm. And now it doesn't have an arm. But that's what was supposed to happen. And now you have the story about that. And you had the story about that. And you had the guy with the arm for a long time. And that was the time that you were supposed to have with that.

And that was the time that was supposed to, you should, you should, you know, to be corny again, cherish the fucking full figurine set. You were lucky to have that for that amount of time. And now he doesn't have the arm. And it's kind of funny that that happened, that you brought the fucking person back and it came back without the arm

and now you have a story about it and and and that's what those figurines are to you now the fucking guy without the arm he's almost the most important one now and she said yeah yeah you're uh you're actually right. You made me feel better about that. And I said, I wouldn't even want that arm back if you had it to glue it because that's what it is now, you know? And she was like, yeah.

And I could tell like it like, not that I made her feel better but like i she's like i didn't think of it that way like you're right you know and um because like i don't know i was i was watching i was watching the good doctor and this guy's the good doctor i think i was in i was in episodes while i was watching it and uh the guy was paralyzed and they were like, we can fix it and you can be unparalyzed. And he was like, oh, okay. And then the wife didn't want him to because she's like, I love you like this, you know? And it's like, oh, fucking, you know, whatever happens,

happens and you roll with the punches and shit. And I guess that's why I was thinking about that therapist thing because I was thinking about like, you know, everything goes away anyway. So you should fucking be present, I guess, and enjoy the time you have and the memories and shit, whatever. I can't believe what I'm fucking talking about. But I do have these fucking thoughts too. I'm not just a lunatic and a fucking – and a piece of shit talking shit about everything. But anyway, I was with my family and I was helping them pack up and move, so I guess that's why I'm in this fucking kind of poignant thing.

But I'm glad you guys are listening. And it's been a fucking hour already. That was kind of quick. But fucking that Kuda song, man, so funny. I mean, there was one or two things that I didn't even remember. That I didn't even remember on those things. Let's take some Twitter questions, though. Okay, wow.

I thought you'd appreciate this, Stephanie Foss says. At Miss Foss the boss, change it. Two-year-old referred to her coat pockets as snack holes, and this is what I shall forever call them. All right, look. If you're two, you can call them snack holes, but don't. That's not cute if you're an adult,

and you're like, hey, fucking yeah, these are my snack holes. Yo, you know what you get to do? You know what I do? Run your pockets, motherfucker. Give me whatever the fuck is in your pockets now. It's mine. What celebrities have told you that they

listen to your podcast that surprised you luke keating keating luke um there have been a few and i can't remember which is how much of a fucking piece of shit i am there was some uh Oh, oh, oh. Oh, you know who told me is Josh. He's probably listening right now. I hope he's listening. I hope he still listens. But yeah, my buddy Josh. My buddy Josh Dunn, who is,

uh, uh, fucking awesome. Um, and, uh, I don't know if he listens to it with his, with his bandmate, but he listens to it.

Um, and I like that dude. And when I found out he listened to it, I was like shocked. That guy's a fucking superstar. Um, and then, uh,

who else, who else? I can't really think about it, but sometimes i'm like on set and people are like i listen to your podcast and shit actors and i'm like oh fucking really that's funny um because then i get embarrassed like i'm just talking in a room i mean i don't get embarrassed but i'm like oh fuck i wonder what i said there that they like hooked on to that they think i am now you know because i'm just joking and being stupid and shit in a room alone and i say shit this is my fucking i don't even know half the shit i say and like then fucking like some actor i'm gonna have to work with for the

next 10 days it's like i listen to your podcast do you really think that we should all get fucked by robots you know and i'm like and i have to talk to hr Yeah. But anyway, you guys are fucking great. What else? Oh, dude. Oh, I talked about this on the fucking – I put that on the Instagram. The fucking poster for the Avengers. It's like, dude, I put a sea of people.

I was like, it's between these two posters. Dude, how about how fucking crazy it is, the poster? Just have the A with the fucking circle around it you know we had it nobody's going as much as i as much as i love chris evans and fucking you know uh uh josh brolin and fucking scarlett johansson nobody's going to see that movie because of them. And it's not a knock on them. They're great. But they're going to see the movie because it's a fucking spectacle.

And it's the Avengers. You don't have to put them all on the poster. That's some ego shit. That's so funny. You look at the poster, there's people on that that aren't even on the fucking thing. I was like, who's that fucking,

who's the fucking fat Asian guy? You know they only put him on there because he's Asian and they wanted to fucking have the whole thing, you know? He's got like two lines in the fucking thing i was like who's that fucking who's the fucking fat asian guy you know they only put him on there because he's asian and they wanted to fucking have the whole thing you know he's got like two lines in the fucking thing they got a fucking raccoon on it how about that what was that one christopher dennett at Chris underscore Dens. You da vinch or you just make coffee? This fucking thing that says making a cup of coffee is an art.

You know what? I agree with that. But here's the deal. Here's what goes back to what I talk about. If you're going to pick a job, be passionate about it and do it and make it you. All right? But if you're talking about how being a cup of coffee is art, eat piece of shit. Just do it.

Feel good about it. Be passionate about it. But you know what? They're not making a documentary about you. Okay? You just make the coffee and you feel good about it. You don't need to fucking talk about how much it's a piece of art because then, whoa, you're getting into fucking territory. You're getting into fucking territory.

You're getting into piece of shit territory. I'll do another one. Oh, wow. Wow. Let me tell you something, dude. This guy knows the vibe. All right? All you motherfuckers ask me questions.

Some of them are stupid. Some of them you're just trying to get my attention. Some of them, they're not things I want to answer. Some of them I answer just to be fun and funny. But this motherfucker, this dude knows the vibe. Okay? This guy is in the cult. He probably had some congratulations in him before the podcast even started.

If not, this guy's doing the work. Okay? Matthew Heath at S. Matthew. All right. Well, first of all, he's got the—I didn't realize he had the S. Matthew, which is very cool. This is a great question, dude. Wow. How bitch is it to chase after a bouncy ball? Dude, that guy nailed it. Let me tell you something. You know how bitch it is? The most

bitch. To chase after a bouncy ball and to be like running after it and not knowing which way it's going to go and like trying to grab it and missing it once, but having it fucking pop off your hand and then it alters the course of how it's bouncing and then you're running and then it goes down on grass and you're like oh hopefully it'll slow down on the grass you're the most bitch ever if a girl ever saw a dude that she was into a little bit chasing after a bouncy ball that's a fucking rap dude you're not making your dick wet wow good job matthew heath very you know how it is the most bitch round of applause for matthew heath dude congratulations for asking that fucking question

dude i love that fucking question because that's something i never thought of but it's fucking true wow dude we might have to end on that fucking beautiful question man square cash have you switched yet download the free square cash app enter rewards code congrats get $5 and give $5 to times up get it for iOS or Android now follow the leader second leg

announcing soon we're announcing it next Monday buy tickets on crystalia.com a lot of them are sold out so once this now. Follow the leader. Second leg announcing soon. We're announcing it next Monday. Buy tickets on crystalia.com. A lot of them are sold out. So once this second leg hits, you got to get these tickets quick because some of these sold out. Tallahassee, Florida. Orlando sold out. Charleston, first show sold out. I added a late show, almost sold out. Pittsburgh, I don't know if that sold out. Maybe one or two tickets left. Dayton, Ohio. Huntsville, Alabama. Nashville, Tennessee.

Denver, Colorado added a late show. Boise, Idaho added a late show. And subscribe to the YouTube channel. And download the Crystalia app for iOS or Android. You know what? I think next time I'm going to get the app. Get my app. Because next time I'm going to go a little bit live as we shoot the podcast for you guys because I'm going to go live on my app. And you guys are going to hear congratulations, episode 61, before anybody because you're going to hear it as it's happening live.

So download that app and make sure you do it. Video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays. You've got to watch my special man on fire or incorrigible or white male black comic. you gotta watch my special man on fire or incorrigible or white male black comic I'm gonna do some more episodes of alone together coming up on the second season

I'm gonna be in at least three of those I think I love doing that show it's really funny if you haven't seen it check it out even the episodes I'm not in I fucking love and I'm not in those so that's saying a lot I love myself thanks for listening babies and remember don't drink out of Jojo's cups So that's saying a lot. I love myself. Thanks for listening, babies. And remember, don't drink out of JoJo's cups. Thanksfucker. Motherfucker.

Motherfucker.