Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 62. Putting A Price On Sodomy

Episode Date: April 3, 2018

It's the 62nd episode! On today's show, Chris talks about your individual price for being sodomized. Also discussed: April Fool's Day and pranks, jet lag, people who are bad at filming stuff, how to be good at sex, having preference with porn, a voicemail from Uncle Vinny & Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Let's go seize the night. That's the powerful backing of American Express. Visit amex.ca slash yamex. Benefits vary by card. Other conditions apply. This episode of Congratulations is brought to you by the Cash App. Do you want to get paid $5 and also give $5 to charity? Or are you awful?

Do you want to buy and sell Bitcoin instantly or get your paycheck deposited directly into the app? Of course you do. All the babies use the Cash App, which is why, or probably why, honestly, it shot up to the number one finance app in the App Store. It's really great. You guys got to download it. Download the free Cash app for iOS or Android now. This episode is also brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron is offering our listeners $30 off your first delivery When it comes to dinner, let Blue Apron take care of the planning and shopping While you do all the cooking and the eating

And it's good for your families You'll enjoy delicious meals like popcorn chicken with sweet chili cabbage slaw And other really delicious stuff I eat it a lot and it's really, really great Check out this week's menu and get your 30 off with free shipping at blueapron.com congrats blue apron a better way to cook hey what's up guys what's up what's up my babies we're here Good? Well, maybe you're... Hey, what's up, guys?

What's up, my babies? We're here at the Congratulations Studios. And I'm with OneFire and Ivan Getridov. And we're chilling. We are chilling. It is episode 62. Who the fuck knew we

could do it? But, you know what? We did it. And the internet's not working. Now, one fire because he is in charge of that. The internet's not working so we don't have our screen up which is fine but we are live on the app right now and I'm looking at you guys right now. I'm looking at your comments

and we're going to do the first 10 minutes here live on the app. Fuck it, we'll do it live. And now the whole TV is completely off. So it won't fire. And it's all good, but it's how it is. Hey, did you guys – so download the app and you can join the first 10 minutes of the podcast live.

Every now and then we're going to be doing that to keep the babies have a nice communal place. I see your comments and you guys are great. Some of you guys may be Killers though so who knows some of you guys maybe killed One or two people as we've talked about before Now So I was I took a flight

Every single day this fucking week and I'm Jet lagged as shit I got home on Sunday Night I fell asleep at 10 p.m. I haven't done that Since I was 11 years old And I also haven't done that since I Had the years old, and I also haven't done that since I had the flu. So, and then also, I had, then the next night, which was last night, I fell asleep at 11. So, very cool. Very cool, man. So cool how, mm, grandpa. And I don't even have kids. I don't even have kids, and those kids don't even have kids, but I'm going to sleep like grandpa. So it was April Fool's.

Now, did you participate in April Fool's? You did? You're boring. Bottom line. If you do April Fool's, you're boring. Because just that's it's an excuse. April Fool's is an excuse for people with no personality to all of a sudden seem like they have personality. Just because a day makes you do some fun shit what'd you do tell somebody you were pregnant

ah by the way that's not even funny who thinks it's funny to prank someone that's what i want to know it's so not funny to prank someone dude i'm looking jacked in my app live stream what the livestream. What the fuck? What the fuck is going on, dude? Move over Chris Hemsworth. But yeah, you're boring as shit if you do April Fool's. Who the fuck thinks it's funny to prank someone? Oh, I'm pregnant. Really? No. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. Gotcha. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, cool. Now what? We just go around and do our regular day. Let's eat a sandwich and go shopping. Fuck out of here.

Whoever... I would talk... We would talk about this on the set of Undateable. Me and Ron Funches totally agreed that pranks are for fucking people who are not funny. Um, yeah. Let's just say this people who constantly do pranks if you do a prank or two fine but people who are like are pranksters oh those people dude those people grind my gears oh you know him he's a prankster oh really what'd he do light someone's shoes on fire oh cool hey really you're just a fucking dick. I knew a guy that would like guys' shoes on fire.

Hey, you dick. Really? Well, he's famous, so I can't say it. If I say it, then he'll fucking... One fire was like, who? And he knows who, but I'll tell him after the podcast. Nobody will know. I was in Tallahassee on Wednesday.

I did a show there. And I got so many. What was interesting about Tallahassee is that was like afterwards, I got so many followers. And all the followers I were getting were like hot girls that had like 3,000 followers on Instagram. SFSU. Dude, if you're a college girl, how do you not at least have a few thousand followers on Instagram? There's so many creeps out there, you know? There's so many fucking fat-bellied, thin-haired guys in like Wichita that why the fuck wouldn't they follow this this young 20 year old thang

that's like a fucking fig biochem major that's gonna never do anything with it a reality but why the fuck dude why the fuck wouldn't like why the fuck wouldn't you have i don't get it if you i always said like if you're a chick and you don't have 20,000 followers on Instagram, the fuck you done? Makes no sense. Makes zero sense. It is cool. But, yeah. But somebody – April Fool's is just horrible.

But I was in – let's see. So I went to Tallahassee. That was a great show. I really enjoyed doing that. A lot of the people came out. It wasn't just for the students. It was for people too. They sold tickets.

And then I went to University of Miami, which was okay. The students were great. They were loving it. The venue was kind of janky for comedy. And then I went to Orlando, which was awesome, dude. Orlando's crazy. It's all families and shit because it's like a town built for theme park. It's like theme park shit.

And I did a show there, and it was awesome, man. I put it on my Instagram. Everyone was so cool on the show. And then I did South Carolina. I did Charleston, South Carolina. I did two shows there. Um, Charleston, Charleston, South Carolina is great. Uh, and I got, I had a heckler that I had to throw out and he, and I found out afterwards

he didn't have sleeves on. Dude, if you're a heckler, don't also have a sleeveless shirt, huh? You're just going to be the biggest loser of all time? You're going to be the biggest loser of all time? Not wearing sleeves? And then the second show in South Carolina, I swear to God, this guy had a sleeveless shirt on, and it said, I'm not bullshitting you.

In the front row, his shirt said, I'm not making this up, fuck sleeves. Ah, get a job. Imagine you had a shirt on that had no sleeves that said fuck sleeves. You know what? Respect to that motherfucker for real. But when I was after the show in South Carolina, I walked down Charleston, the street in Charleston, and I saw two girls get in a fight and she kicked in a door at this fucking pizza place and it broke and it splintered and then she ran away and then she was like it's racist she was like you're being racist and she wasn't because really she kicked in the door and that's why they threw her out she's like why didn't you kick out her she pointed to a white

girl and the white girl's just standing there ah because she didn't kick in the door um and then i walked in and i was like i don't know if i want to go in it was crazy and then uh and then and then we did and then i i got it got pizza um it's the worst story of all time and then i got pizza dude that's how every story should end and then i got pizza um so uh and then i and then that's it that's how every story should end. And then I got pizza. So and then that's it. That's it. I wanted to talk about how the fuck and I saw a fight. By the way, what's up with you know what the worst thing to do when there's like a street fight is when I see people on Snapchat just like this.

And people are beating the shit out of each other and they're just like you fucking asshole you don't have to actually try and break up the fight but don't document it for your nine followers you piece of shit leave at least leave or at least don't document it hey all of a sudden are you fucking verner herzog is that the guy hey all of a sudden, are you fucking Werner Herzog? Is that the guy? Hey, all of a sudden, are you Werner Herzog? Also, it's Werner. It's a German. Here we see all of the people fighting at the pizza place,

and people are Snapchatting, and we are documenting it to see who will win. Is this a race-baited thing? There's a black woman fighting the door, and she is claiming it is race. They are throwing her out right now, and she is claiming it is because she is black. But in actuality, it just may be because she kicked in the door, and it splintered out. And you cannot have aed out and you cannot have

broken window you cannot have broken window at a pizza place yeah and dudes were just like and it's always god those guys look like such bitches one time I saw a guy fucking videoing something

with his iPad like that. Dude. That's what I want to be. I want to be the guy at the concert. You know how the guys used to put up the lighters and then they used to put up the fucking, and now they put up the cell phones. I want to have the guy with the fucking, with an iPad that's like fucking what would be the song?

What do you do it? Some John Mayer shit. Mothers become daughters and and daughters become mothers, and brothers become fathers. Be nice to your daughters, or whatever that song is. Guys come in ladies, and ladies have ladies, and those ladies get come in after they become old enough, and then those people become mothers.

That's how I want to... That's the song I want to do. With just fucking a guitar. Ladies become ladies and women become women. Anyway. anyway I'm having I'm having I just turned off the I turned off the

the live stream because somebody tried to call me in the middle of it and the sound went off that's why that happened everybody you can blame my buddy Brett Davis fuck him for calling I literally just saw him at the coffee shop don't call me dude who calls anyone nowadays say yeah the fuck just saw him by the way just saw my buddy brett davis he played i was an xoxo and i just saw his um he played a guy who was like trying to beat me up. And dude, he was wearing jeans, okay? A gray shirt, a hoodie, and a jean jacket. And it's fucking 70-something degrees in LA.

And he was like, ah, bro. I was like, why are you dressed like this right now? By the way, look at this guy. This guy's a fucking man. He's like 6'5", super attractive. He's like one of those guys, you look at him, he's like 6'5 super attractive it's like one of those guys you look at him he's a guy and then also like you look at other dorks and you're like oh that's a guy too different species anyway this guy was like i was like why are you dressed in all this shit and he was like ah man i just woke up took a shower i feel good and i looked and he had fucking chocolate all over his shirt

like to be that good looking and dope and tall and fit and then to have chocolate stains on you that's like the biggest fuck you to a beta you know i don't give a fuck um so uh um yeah don't snapchat fucking fights also you're a you're bad at it you know you ever see people shoot fights and you ever see them on like instagram and shit you're just like oh come on they're not getting it right shoot everything widen it out motherfuckers widen it out it's amazing it's astonishing how bad people are taking pictures actually it's astonishing dude get everything in the fucking frame when you ask somebody hey can you take a picture of me and and and whoever my lovely wife or my lovely fucking kids and then they're like okay and they take a picture and like the feet are out of it hey are you fucking insane get the feet in it get the feet in it get the head in it and get above the head in

it is it that is it that fucking hard get all the fucking body parts in it and then also get the things above the body parts get the things above the head if there's a fucking poster make sure the whole poster's in it if it's in front of a church make sure the top of the church is in it what do i just want half the fucking church why do you think i'm taking a picture of it i might as well just take a picture of me in front of the fucking wall get the fucking church in it get the cross in it one time i saw a picture of a church somebody in front of a church on instagram and the top of the church was cut off, and the cross was cut off on top of the church. You're going to hell.

You know what? You're going to hell. And I'll tell you what. If I was Jesus Christ, or if I was the guy, whoever it is, Nicolas Cage up there, whoever the fuck it is, you're going to hell. You're going to hell for cropping the... Here's the deal. You're going to hell for taking the pic, and I'm going to find out, because I'm the holy

guy, and I know it all, if you're Jesus Christ, I will find out if it's the guy who took the picture's fault or if the person cropped it out to put it on Instagram. Oh shit. Not only are you going to hell, you're going to fucking deep hell. You're going to fucking deep hell. You ever been deep hell, bro? You ever been to fucking deep hell? That's where fucking it's hell. And then also they play the darkest hour on a loop. The most British movie of all time. Even though it's not British. Well, it is kind of British, actually. Heard some things.

Dude, my opener blew my fucking mind. He blew my mind. This past trip. Now, let me tell you something, dude, this is what he fucking told me. We were talking, I was with him and another buddy of ours.

He traveled with us. We're having a good time on the road doing whatever we were talking about porn. I don't know why we started talking about porn. I don't remember. And I don't even remember what the beginning of the conversation was. Like, I want to say it was us talking about, like, what kind of porn we like, but I don't think we were actually talking about that.

But it led to the discussion going into a place where my opener said, yeah, I don't really watch porn, but when I do, I go on to the porn site and I just click whatever video I see. Ah. Ah. Dude, he clicks the first video. Ah. Ah. Ah. Dude. uh uh ah dude come on dude hey have preference uh Uh, dude, who clicks on the first naked bodies you see? Look at what you want to click on.

Dude, you know what that means? And I told him this and he gets so pissed off, but I told him this and it's the fucking truth. If you go on, cause I know he's not the only one that does this. Obviously you, they'll sit down and then fucking click, oh, porn, yay. Oh, there's one. There's a girl. If you do that, if you don't click at least, you don't have to click categories.

You don't have to go and be like, ooh, you know, blowjob or like threesome. My favorite is babes. No shit. They're all babes. But the category is babes. Yo, that's assuming that the other categories don't have babes in them. Who's giving blowjobs in the blowjob category

fucking trolls who's given the blowjobs in the blowjobs babes so put that in the babes video every video should be under babes what do you got in the fucking threesomes what's the threesome with a guy and two fucking neanderthals

he's just a guy fucking a cardboard box and they're and and and and then he fucks a hat that's the threesome uh but wait what was i saying oh yeah so you don't have to click category but you at least have to like search a little bit now i gotta I got to be honest. I got to be completely honest. I don't really watch that much porn. I really don't. So I'm not into it that much. I don't know that much about porn.

But when I do, I mean, every guy's watched it. When I've watched it, I sift around. You got to sift around. You don't just click on fucking first brunette you see that's what he said he did and i told him this and i'm sure of this and i'm no scientist but i am now when it comes down to it if you click on the first porn you see to fucking get the job done as they say which i don't like when people say shit like that here's the here's the depth here is something that's 100 true you're bad at sex you're bad at

sex and i told him this i said that's how i know i always said he was bad at sex but i was like that's how i know you're bad at sex because you don't have preference if you don't have preference sexually and you're just like ah whatever then you're just like, ah, whatever, then you're just trying to fucking have sex the way that it, you know, is just easiest or whatever. Now, here's the other thing too. You, as a guy, you got to have a mixture. If you're having sex, you can't have sex to please the girl. Dude, you cannot have sex to please the girl.

That's not, you got to have, you got to, you got to please the girl that's not you gotta have you gotta you gotta please the girl but also you have to have a mixture of pleasing the girl and also doing it the way you want to do it having a preference if you have sex all to please a girl then then you, congratulations, are bad at sex and you're a beta. Because what girls want is a guy that knows what he wants. See ya. You don't know what you want if you're trying to please someone else. See ya. You got to take what you want in a non-rapey way. That's what sex is. It's domination. Vote for me. Sex is domination. Don't rape, but also know what you want and don't try to please the girl. And any fucking buddy that tells you different is bad at sex or less good at sex than someone who knows how to do that. Or they are, congratulations, a beta.

Or whatever the C is. Alpha, beta, whatever the C is. That's what you are. What is it? Charlie? Oh, all of a sudden it's a name. Alpha, beta, Charles. No, but not in the Greek letters.

Ah, fucking this guy. What, did you go to Nam? Fuck him. No, but not in the Greek letters. Ah, fucking this guy. Would you go to Nam? Fuck him. Dude, one fire. There is no C, but there's zeta and gamma and shit. Oh, there's no C with the Greeks. They don't fuck. They're like, we don't need Cs.

Yeah, we'll go right to D. We'll go right to the dills, neck dude i'm telling you man if you click on the first porn guess what you're bad at sex at least fucking try when you're looking at porn try remember when i was talking about doing the amateur allure? Remember that shit? That is the most funny fucking porn, dude. The guy's talking to the girl. Cyclinical. Oh, wow. There we go.

When you're having sex. Oh, wow. Well, isn't that nice? He only takes his dick out of the pants and then zips it back up and buckles. He unzips it, takes his cock and balls out, and buckles he unzips it takes his cock and balls out and then buckles his pants back so only his dick and balls are out it takes so much work so weird and awesome oh fuck man oh my god i'm on the we're on the amateur Lore website and the tagline is where nice girls come to swallow cum.

The world we live in. Rabbits Reviews 2016 Rise Awards winner. Absolutely nothing. Ah, man. I mean, you know? It's kind of weird. now one fire's looking at fucking like thumbnails of like blowjobs and there's just three dudes in this small podcast room

um anyway i couldn't believe he blew my mind when he said that i just click on the first porn like what bro do you have a brain? What are you fucking? Like, that's just so a guy that is like nine to five, has a family, is not very sexual, but like thinks like, you know what? I'll just do it because I know it'll end up feeling good. You know? Have you ever done that? i've never done that like oh dude i i'm not into it but i know it'll feel good if i do it that's probably means you have a problem i don't know oh let's do uh ads here yeah okay guys me undies you've heard me talk about me undies and you know i'm a big believer in their product and i'll tell you what too uh they really are the perfect

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Speaking of porn, how much as a guy... I was having this conversation. As a guy, a straight guy, how much, I want to know, I want honest answers, and I want you to tweet me. How much would you get paid to get fucked in the ass? Because I, and I want a real number. I want you to tweet me a real number. Because I think, and I mean this, I wouldn't do it for any amount of money. And let me tell you why.

You offered me $10 million. I don't think I would do it. Now, of course, you can't say, oh, you don't know. If somebody was really there with $10 million cash, you got to be like, all right, it's different now because it's real. But here's why I think I wouldn't do it. Because I live the exact life I want to live. I make enough money where I can do what I want to do. If I had 10 extra million dollars, I guess what would be different?

I would – what would I do? I wouldn't travel more. I travel all the time. I maybe buy another house that I would barely go to because I love being in LA. You know, $100 million, I guess I would fly private. That would be the only big difference. Is that worth getting? Look, I think, look, I don't want to get porked in the butt, right?

So that would be with me. I would think about it every single day and it would like fuck me up. But I want to know how much it would cost if there's a number. but I want to know how much it would cost if there's a number. So tweet me that because I was with guys and somebody said they would do it for somebody was like, you wouldn't do it for a hundred thousand dollars. And I was like, Hey man,

no, you know? Cause it's not like set. It's not like saying like, if you're not a gay male, that's something you don't want to have happen. Right? There's another guy put in your butt. So that's like a real mental thing you'd have to overcome.

and also it's not like it's not like a a girl being a hooker being like yeah okay have sex with me dude because or maybe it is a little like that but i mean it's a little like that but it's like as a guy that takes away your masculinity it takes away it's just so in in their head it takes away so much it would it would be like a lot of guys. I guess maybe if somebody knew their family would be safe, if they made a lot of money doing it, then they would maybe do it. Then I understand that. Because then they would be like,

I'll just live with it every day, but my family will be set. I don't know. I actually regret even bringing this up on the podcast but uh whatever that's how we do it sometimes we get into some dark territory and that's it one fire right now is like 15 grand he's like and ivan gets rid of his like i would do it for 25 he's thinking he just goes like this to me he goes like this he goes like that he might even meant 15 i have no fucking idea um a lot of sexual shit on today's podcast i guess i'm sorry i mean i'm not sorry but um i also have a theory and i i wrote this down because

i want to talk about this some the more a girl changes her name, the more likely she, the more sexual partner she has. That's my theory. Like if you're on Facebook, you'll be on Facebook and somebody's name is like a fucking Eve Smith. And then it's like fucking, she changes it to like Brooke Eve, and you're like, is that your first name or your fucking second name? That girl has sex with more guys than a girl who never changes her name. I knew a girl once that was, I met her, and she was like, yeah, I'm this name, and then I was like, ah ah cool and i put my her name on my phone and then we text back and forth and then fell out of touch and then ran into her again and she was like and

i called her the name and she was like oh my name is this now and i was like really you just changed it she was like yeah i didn't like it i was like okay and then it ran into her again and i was calling and i was calling her the first name and i was like, oh, sorry, I know you changed your name. She's like, no, I changed it back. Who thinks that they're that important? Who thinks that they're that important? That they're like, you changed your name once? All right, fine. You changed your name twice?

Who cares? Just leave it the second time. You fucked up, you know? you change your name twice, who, who cares, just leave it the second time, you fucked up, you know, oh, guys, Chris,

oh, you know what, I'm going to change it to Derek, ah, you know what, I'm going back to Chris, how fucking annoying and embarrassing is that, by the way,

to go back to the first name, oh, by the way, everybody, I go by Chris again now, that Derek thing was a phase, by the way, she was like 26, eh, too old for it, I go by Chris again now. That Derek thing was a phase. By the way, she's like 26.

Too old for it. Yeah. And I was like, look, this is the last time I'm changing your fucking name in my phone. This is what it's going to be for now. This is who you are. All right? To me. This is who you fucking are.

You know, I'm going to do something so disrespectful to you guys i'm going to order fucking postmates while i'm here you guys want me to order you something no one one fire and ivan get rid of don't give a fuck oh dude i mean dude i ordered sushi the other day on postmates and i fucking i cannot I did this. I doubled the order by mistake. It cost me so much money. Dude, it cost me, I don't even want to say it. It was sushi. I just looked at it. It was like, you want to give the guy a 10% tip? Would have been $4,000. I'm like, let me do my own tip. Yeah, awful. Disrespectful. Just ordered some food on your ass. Disrespectful to have a podcast and order food while you're on the podcast and know that you guys know I'm doing it and you're still listening, waiting for me to bring up the next fucking subject disrespectful but dude

sometimes you gotta wait in life right sometimes you gotta wait um i don't know i i don't know i don't have any fucking i don't have i don't have... It's what it is. It's fucking April. And it's already April in 2018. How about people who say that all the time? Ah, it's fucking... Dude, can you believe it's April?

Yeah. The months go as they fucking go. It's 30 days. 30 days. It's 30 days. Every single month, pretty 30 days every single month pretty much. I can't believe he's male already. Really? What have you been doing?

Just always, like, what are you having that much fun? That's what you're doing? All you're doing is fucking eating Starburst and cumming? All you're doing is eating Starburst and fucking and fucking and jerking off and going on roller coasters? Is that what you're doing? Or no? Dude, I can't believe it's fucking mail ready. I've just been basically

all I've been doing, really? Having sex with models and eating Starburst. Oh, okay. If you're having sex with models every day and you're eating Starburst, if you're Diplo, you can say, you know what? I can't believe it's May already. But if you're just some guy, yeah, it's fucking May. This shit is so real.

This shit is real as fuck. You want to take some Twitter questions or what? Oh, dude. I never know what it is because people always tell me it's something different. Cameron Wern. Worm? What is that? At can of worms?

At cam of worms. What the fuck is going on with this guy? Is it Cameron or? My supervisor seriously just said laxadaisical. So it's lackadaisical. Lax. My supervisor seriously just said laxicadazical oh he's doing it to be funny right

laxicadazical that's like fucking in the sopranos when he said genetical you think it's genetical laxicadazical and dude one of the things i'm most mad at in my life is i was saying laxicadaisical. And dude, one of the things I'm most mad at in my life is I was saying lackadaisical my whole life. And my brother, swear to God, said, by the way, it's lackadaisical.

And I said, all right, I'll start saying lackadaisical. And then I started doing it. And years later, my brother was like, dude, it's lackadaisical.

What kind of fucking bullshit is that? What kind of family shit is that? And I guarantee he doesn't remember it. And he's not going to, he's going to be like, be like nah i never i always knew it was lackadaisical fuck that dude that's really shitty to do to somebody you know what i mean as a matter of fact i gotta roll i gotta fucking it's gotta be this it's gotta be this dude is it lackadaisical or lackadaisical oh it's lackadaisical it's lackadaisical really i'll start saying lackadaisical oh whoops hey it's lackadaisical oh no really it's fucking lackadaisical but you told me lackadais. No, I didn't. Oh, really?

Oh, dude. I can't believe I fucking forgot to play you guys this. Dude, we're just chilling. That's what's good about this podcast. We're just chilling. We're flying by the seat of our pants and we talk about whatever the fuck we want to talk about. Fuck these podcasts with agendas. Dude, fuck these podcasts with agendas. Dude, fuck these podcasts with agendas. When he does that, like Kermit.

No, like Grover. This is far. This is far. Alright, dude. I'll tell you what. All right, dude. I'll tell you what. I never played this. Remember when a few episodes ago I was talking about my uncle Vinny, how he has two wallets and shit like that. And then he sent me the email.

And then I read the email on the fucking thing. Okay. So here's the deal. I read the email on the thing. I was calling it Underburger some shit. He called me. I didn't know that he called me. And I looked like a day later and I was like, oh shit, he called me.

And I checked the message. Okay. Now, iPhone wouldn't have the transcript available. Now, iPhone, get your shit together. The transcript is never almost, almost transcript available. Now, iPhone, get your shit together. The transcript is never, almost never available. If you're going to have the fucking function, have the function. If you're not going to have the function, don't have the function. I don't want sometimes being able to see the transcript.

I want to either see it all the time or never. Seriously. So this is what my Uncle Vinny called me and left this message. And I'm playing it on the podcast and I told him I was going to. At least I think I did. Here we go. And of course. And of course.

Here we go. Here it comes. And it's slow. And I'm angry. There he is. It's Underberg. Underberg. Not Underberg.

Asshole. My Uncle Vinny Sid Jersey how he's talking too it's Underberg Underberg not Underberg asshole

this is my fucking family you know well he's a fucking lawyer he puts on a suit and goes in a courtroom hey hey fucking his name's Vinnie it's Italian I love my family dude Fucking his name's Vinny.

It's Italian. I love my family, dude. I got a cousin, Butch, too. That's a fucking drive-by. Dude, I have a cousin, Butch. One time he was like, hey, because I guess I don't even remember, but when I was younger, I had an attractive cousin, like a girl. And he was like, I guess it was his daughter.

And he was like, yeah, she's really pretty, huh? I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, if you could, what did he say? He was like, yeah, if you wasn't in a family, you could date her, huh? And I was like, yeah, well, I don't know. Yeah. And he was like, nah, but for real, right? And I was like, ah, sure, yeah.

Like had to do it again. Nah, nah, but for real. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Ah. Ah. I mean come on dude you know what's so fucked up families

because you don't get to choose who the fuck you're with and I love all my family members are this shit some of them are crazy some of them are boring some of are the shit. Some of them are crazy. Some of them are boring. Some of them are annoying, but most of them are just like great people. I'm lucky,

but dude, families are fucked. You know, you don't get to, you don't, you don't get to choose your family. As the wise Chang Smith once said, you don't get to choose your family or something. I Chank Smith once said, you don't get to choose your family or something.

I don't remember. But anyway, that's fucked, dude. Isn't that crazy that you just got to be with them and shit? People don't talk to their families for years. I get it. I get it. I fucking for sure get it. Here's a good question from Andre Muses.

At Garcia Gracious. Cool. Change it. um here's a good question from from andre muses at garcia gracious cool uh change it uh can one can one ever be revoked ought what is ought huh of of okay uh spell check uh proofread uh can one ever be revoked of elder status or are you set for life once you get it i mean what are you talking about dude like i would i dude you can get kicked the fuck out of the log cabin i mean come, come on. This is a cult. What cult doesn't do drastic things to keep their infrastructure the way it should be? Dude, come on, man. What am I going to just fucking... Of course, oh, you're an elder and then you murder seven people. You're not an elder anymore.

You're an elder and then you walk into a school and take a shit on a bunch of desks while kids are in the student you're not an elder anymore you got to upkeep the fucking standards of how we are as babies oh wow is this that guy that did the fucking bitch shit yeah this is the this guy gets it dude this guy gets it he's the one the one to run after a bouncy ball. How does this guy know? Dude, is this one of you guys? I mean, this is so real. This guy gets the vibe, man. Matthew Heath coming with it again.

He was the guy that did the fucking, how bitch is it to run after a bouncy ball? I mean this shit, I, I, you know what, dude, Matthew Heath, I am proud of you at S Matthew. How bitch is, how bitch is it to climb out the backseat of a two-door car? You know what? It's a very bitch, but let me tell you what's even more bitch, Matthew. Now this is why your vibe is good, but you know, what's even more bitch. now this is why your vibe is good but you know what's even more bitch and I bet if I asked you face to face you'd have the answer

it's even more bitch to climb in the backseat of a two-door car because you got to like move the seatbelt and like get in and be like and you're making this noise and yeah but it's so bitch it's so bitch you know what's you know how bitch it is to climb

out of the backseat of a two-door car it's as bitch as it is chasing after a bouncy ball in its own way i would say the backdoor one is a little bit more bitch probably um um oh what is this one fire coming through with this shit Rick Ross having trouble trying to squeeze into NASCAR race car oh no is this real does it show it is it

so bitch oh I haven't seen this look we got to watch Rick Ross having trouble get trying to squeeze into NASCAR race car oh too many by the way car is in that sentence too the NASCAR race car. Oh, too many. By the way, car is in that sentence too much. NASCAR race car, car, car, car. Oh, so bitch. Oh.

First of all, that's okay. That's not that bitch yet. Oh, oh. Using it to prop up. Talking to try and make, you know, deflect how bitch it is. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. When he gets that second leg in there, that's so bitch. Look how bitchy. Ow. oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh Oh, so in pain. Wow, that was so increasingly bitch as it went on. Shout out to all the pears.

By the way, he's okay, right? He had a fucking heart thing, right? Wow, that's real bitch, dude. right well that's i don't know what just do another here another question here and then do we have a most fucked up Instagram um let me look at these Instagram most fucked up Instagram posts of the weeks um

um here we go um look in here you got check into the uh oh selections

oh boy Check into the selections. Oh, boy. Oh, man. Here's one. How lost are people? Oh. All right. Here it is. Just a picture.

It's a selfie or a picture from a computer. I'm trying to figure myself out. I want to move with myself. He can go somewhere. I want to find meaning in my body and in my mind. This existence does not make this easy. Perhaps there is a significance in that. I no longer enjoy the disconnect I notice between my body and my mind. It makes me feel weak. It causes me to feel lunatic at times and above reality actually this is kind of sad maybe i should stop reading it the end of it though is my love and attraction for myself strange feel bad feel like that person's probably under a lot of stress uh that's not the most fucked up you know what i didn't announce it i didn't announce it's the

most fucked up instagram post so it doesn't count you know every now and then you're congratulations we take a wrong turn and that's fine um what was that last one that was up there i want to i want to talk about that last question here dude Dude, this is important, okay? People are throwing around the word CUDA and it's not, and it's not right. A CUDA is not this, this person. Hey, what do you think of people that have a tattoo of their own name on their body? CUDAs? No, that's not CUDA. A CUDA is somebody who does something blindly because other people are doing it or because they see it like and they're like oh i gotta do that oh it looks like a good idea oh skiing i don't ski but fuck it i'll go look at the snow that's a cuda because it comes from barracuda

who just fucking react off of shiny objects and attack bracelets and shit. That's not CUDA to just get a tattoo of your name. Think fucking Simon Backstrom with two dots over the fucking vowels in your, which means you're so Swedish. Simon Backstrom. First of all, the name Backstrom. Mr. Eastern

European. Also, is it the U over the A? Is that what that is? Umlaut? That's what it's called? Oh, no, there's the two dots. Oh, look at his face.

So, sweetest, so just woke up. At Simon B3. Yeah, but stop throwing this cootish shit around, man. Whatever. Where there are humans, there are idiots. Who said that? Somebody said that. Somebody said that on Twitter the other day, actually. I read it. But I think

I'm about to wrap this up, dude. You know, some episodes, they're just going to be fucking just under an hour, and that's okay. But here we go. Check out this week's Blue Apron menu and get your $30 off at blueapron.com

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Red Bank, New Jersey might be sold out. Wilmington, Reading, Pennsylvania, Tulsa, Midwest, Dallas, Portland, Maine. So it's Portland, Maine, not Portland, Pennsylvania, Tulsa, Midwest, Dallas, Portland, Maine. So it's Portland, Maine, not Portland, Oregon, but I will be coming to Portland, Oregon on the third leg. So, oh, wait, Hampton Beach, Mashantucket, Houston, Wichita, Kansas City, Lincoln, Reno, Las Vegas. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. Download the Crystalia app for iOS or Android. And also you can see this podcast before anybody else. That's for a real

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