Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 64. We Develop Psychopaths

Episode Date: April 16, 2018

It's the 64th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about The Rock. Also discussed: Beyonce, Starbucks, the Terminator movies, James Cameron, Arnold Schwarzenegger, hashtag holidays, Chick-fil-A, sexist R&B lyrics, & we have TMFUIPOTW. RIP Mitzi Shore. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Good to go, man. We're in episode 64. And congratulations. Here we go, my babies. I'm, you know, got back from, let's see, where was I? I'm going to be doing, every time I do this episode, every time I do new episodes now, I'm going to be doing, uh, by the way, I'm live on the first 10 minutes of the, on my app. Uh, only for the subscribers this time. So, uh, you're getting a sneak preview of, of, of the episode that's coming out tomorrow.

Uh, which is now, if you're listening to it, no matter what. But, um, I was, uh, I, I, I'm going to be doing doing because i'm on the follow the leader tour which is my tour uh and i'm doing um a lot of uh a lot of the road so i will be on the road a lot um coming back from each episode each each week i'll be saying like hey i'm back you know i won't just be like i've been in la so i was in let's see what did did I do? I hit Pittsburgh, which was great. And then I went to Cleveland and I did a show for the students at some university that's like Case something University. Juan Getrid of knows it. And then I went to Dayton, which was cool. And it was really good. was a nice little i i always it always trips me out how close pittsburgh is to cleveland and that's why the rivalry makes

sense but it's like two hours away it's like it's like sitting in la traffic to go to the beach that's how fucking that's how close it is um but pittsburgh was cool all of all Pittsburgh and then I hit Cleveland. So Pittsburgh was like, ah, you're going to Cleveland? I'm sorry. And then Cleveland was like, hey, sorry you were in Pittsburgh. Like, you know? And then when I got to Cleveland, people said, hey, sorry. They said, sorry, sorry, why?

I said, where were you? I said, Pittsburgh. They said, why? I said, you know, that's what they said when I said I was coming to Cleveland. And slammed you. And I did a secret slam, but it was what we call an inquisitive slam. Because I was like, did you know that's what they said about that? Like, I put it on you.

It was an inquisit slam. But talk about slamming, though. Dude, I was on the flight back, and I was slamming people left and right on Twitter, dude. Because I get bored. You know, Daddy gets bored. When he's on the road and he's on the, on the plane, he gets bored. You know, he's always sitting next to a fucking 65 year old man. He has got nothing in common with, cause he's a young buck. He's a young buck. You know, he's very young. He's, he's, he's, you know, he's, he's, he's made a name for himself, but he's still young.

He's still climbing. He's not the top wolf yet. He's the wolf right under that top wolf looking up at that wolf being like, I'm still hungry, right? I don't know what fucking proverb that is. I think Arnold Schwarzenegger probably said it on Pumping Iron or something. It's better than coming. I get to come every day. Have you ever seen Pumping Iron where Arnold Schwarzenegger is like, it's better than coming. I'm coming every day. You get the pump, it's better than coming. I'm coming every day. You get the pump, it's better than coming.

I get to come every day. I get to come in the morning. I get to come in the night. Every time I work out, I'm coming. A governor became governor. Why didn't anybody who was running against Arnold Schwarzenegger as governor just say we can't have Arnold Schwarzenegger governing fucking California? And then and then black and white. This is why.

And he just says, I come every day. We can't have Arnold Schwarzenegger as the governor of California. Here's why. It's better than coming. We can't have Arnold Schwarzenegger as the governor of California. Here's why. It's better than coming. I'm coming every day. I'm coming in the night. Are your kids safe with Arnold Schwarzenegger governing California? I come in the morning.

Oh, shit, man. It ain't safe. It ain't safe. It ain't safe. It ain't safe. It ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe. It's pretty safe, okay? Hey, Jeezy, it's pretty safe. By the way, I'm going to call him Geezy. Saddad humor. You guys like Geezy? Yeah, you heard this rapper, Geezy?

Yeah, the kid's like Geezy. It ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't rapper, Geezy? Yeah, the kids like Geezy. It ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe. It's safe. It's fine. It ain't safe for the black, for the white girls. It ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe. I don't mention Asian girls. I don't mention the Indian girls.

The only little black and white girls. It ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it ain't safe, it black and the white girls. And it's safe for the safe. For the Indian girls, it's safe. Anyway, speaking of Arnold Schwarzenegger, the day before I left for the Follow the Leader tour in the Midwest edition,

Pittsburgh Midwest edition, Pittsburgh Midwest edition. I heard, I just was trying to fall asleep because I had a fucking one of those ungodly early hour flights. It was like at fucking early o'clock. Saddad humor. And it was, oh, dark 30. Eh, saddad humor. and uh it was oh dark 30 yeah it's a dad humor and um dude when i was a kid my fucking friend one of my friend who ended up uh dating the girl i was dating him backstabbed me um thought it was so funny that one time somebody said oh dark 30 for it to be early in the morning and then he

thought it was so funny and i never thought it was funny and I've literally said it. I've said it since even though I don't think it's funny. So anyway, I turned on the TV because I couldn't sleep because I knew I had to get up in like three hours, you know, and you have to do that shit. You're just like, come on, body. Come on. And then you just turn on the TV and Terminator was on the original one. And it's been so long since I've seen that movie that i just was like i let myself watch it again and it's so good that movie is so good and so i was like i'm gonna watch the second one i'm gonna download the second one and download the third one and so i did that and i watched them on the plane the second one is you know even better the second one is one of the

best movies of all time you know especially when especially when it comes to, like, futuristic robot shit or, like, action even, whatever. The third one that I watched on the way to Cleveland and that – it's so weird tonally what happens to a movie when a director stops doing it and then another director tries to do it. Like James Cameron is an amazing director. And whoever directed the third one, it was just not the same. And it was like Claire Danes was in it and Nick Stahl was in it. And they're great actors, but it just seemed – I don't know. It seemed off. Like casting that guy, Patrick – who's the guy who played the T-1000?

Robert Patrick? Like, that was such a good choice, you know? And, like, but it was, like, off beat. It wasn't like a, he wasn't a star. He was just, like, him, the guy that they wanted to cast. And he was perfect. And they tried to cast him supermodel for the term they called her the terminatrix spandering and she was like so hot and in the first 10 in the first 10

minutes of the movie like the cop pulls her over and she makes her own titties bigger because she sees a victoria's secret ad hey that's when I fucking was like, oh, come on. I rolled my eyes on the plane. I went. I broke the third wall to nobody. And I went, look at this. Hey. She made her titties bigger because she saw a Victoria's Secret ad. And it said, what is sexy?

And the cop came up. And her titties went. Hey. Terminatrix. Sexual. terminatrix sexual dude and she had this red leather outfit on the whole time like blend in hey blend in it was a supermodel that they they cast man she was fucking badass though she could that's the thing dude when you make the best one and then you just try to up like she would like like the t-1000 first of all get into dorky territory but the t-1000 was the kind of person was the person was a robot was there was liquid metal and our

source it was like he's more advanced than me he's liquid metal how he's liquid metal and then and then he was like uh and then and then they were like well how do we, the studio heads were like, well, we don't have James Cameron. Well, how do we make it to be the fucking, how do we make it be the shit? And they were like, well, what if she could also shoot weapons and stuff? Oh, yeah. And then it was like she was making her armed flamethrowers and buzz saws. And it was the same movie as the second one, only more. That's like what franchises do to try to and

then it was just not i wasn't into it but i'm gonna watch the fucking rest of them i'm gonna watch number four and number five and then james cameron's coming back for number six he didn't do any of them and and this is what i love about the fucking franchise they made they tried to reboot it and do number four and it didn't really do as well as they thought the one with Christian Bale that was just like where he flipped out on the scene on the set with the

what was the fucking thing he was saying what was he saying good for you good for you just I agree with Christian B bell but he flipped out that flip out thing was so funny dude um and uh and so then that didn't really do as well as i thought then they wanted to reboot it and they did it with the fucking the girl from uh

what's that game of thrones and then that was just apparently panned. And so now they're like, fuck it. And now James Cameron was like, you know what? I'm just actually going to make the third one. He's doing now the fucking third one. That's so fucking. That's, by the way, that is the most boss move i've ever heard of all time he's like yeah go ahead run with it make the money i'd pay me for the fucking thing i'll be the fucking overseer

i'm not really doing it go ahead make your fucking silly little movies and then one day he was like gonna make another terminator gonna make number three fuck the ones you made that's so baller that's so fucking hilarious to me you know what it is dude you know what it fucking for real is is That's what it is Dude that's what it is When they're like When he's like

Hey so James Cameron We'd like to make T3 And he's like Oh let me think for a second Nah That's what he did Oh let me think real quick You know what

Give me a moment Just to think of that Nah And then And then they were like Oh okay well can we do it anyway And he just goes like this Pay me And then as he lights what was that saturday night live skate where he lights a cigar

with a fucking hundred dollar bill that's what he was doing and then he was like uh and then he was like and then they were like okay okay cool and then they made it and it didn't it did fine and they were like we should make maybe a fourth one and he goes like this nah go ahead make it pay me and then they were like oh can we make a fifth one can we reboot like this nah go ahead make it pay me and then they were like oh can we make a fifth one can we reboot it he was like nah make it but pay me

and they were like uh huh okay and then it didn't do that well and then one day he just calls up whoever the fuck is doing the movie the production

the fucking studio hello hey it's Cameron we're making number three. And they're like, okay, yes, Cameron. Yes, Cameron, whatever you say. And then he's like, okay, cool. And then they're like, is it going to be about John Connor? Or is it going to have that Reese guy in it or whatever?

And he just goes like this. Hmm, let me think. Is it going to be about John Connor or is it going to be, is it going to have that Reese guy in it or whatever? And he just goes like this. Hmm. Uh, let me think. Uh, if you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. Message C12. You know,

James Cameron gets so many blow jobs. It's unbelievable while watching his movies and cries, cries while watching Titanic. And then, and also get so many blow jobs while watching other people's movies that aren't comedies and laughs at them so hard until he's laughing so hard that his like tears are coming out of his eyes but he's getting blowjobs and he's just like

ha ha ha like watching movies that people think are good and like were critically acclaimed and he's just like oh fuck that was good and hasn't, sincerely hasn't also even though he's getting a blowjob hasn't had an

orgasm since 1997. Like, gets recreational head. Like, and watches sci-fi movies that people think are good. Like, watches The Matrix. And especially the third one, like, Revolutions. And he's just like, look at the fucking twins in the white suits. While he's getting sucked. And the car goes and hits the fucking...

You know where it hits the twins? Or no, it hits Neo. And he's just like... And then after the blow, he's like, okay, I'm done, sweetie, because he doesn't have an orgasm. He's like, I'm calling this studio. I just got inspired. Hey, fuckheads. We're doing number three.

Oh, really? James Cameron? Is it about John Connor? And then only responds to email to the studio from then on. It's better than coming. It's better than coming. How many times also were they trying to redo the line, I'll be back? Like the first time they did it, I'll be back.

And then the second time they did it and he's like, I'll be back. Or no, the second time they did it and he's like i'll be back or no the second time he said i'm back and then the third one when the terminatrix is coming he says she's back i mean come on, dude. I mean, no doubt in the fourth one, I didn't see it, but he's going to say, they're back. Hell. And then the fifth one, he's literally looking at someone's back and he says, he's back. I mean, come on, dude.

Make up new. Hasta la vista, baby. Oh, and in the third one, he isn't even taught this, but he looks at a clerk and he says, talk to the hand. Hey! Come on, talk to the hand. But they're good. You know, it's like they're pop... The first two were actually really good.

The third one was a popcorn movie, whatever. Um, but it's all good. It's all good. Um, I just feel like, I don't know.

Hey, what's the, did you get the email from the guy from San Diego? Remember you sent me that? Send me that again. Cause I want to read that on the podcast. That was so funny. So anyway. By the way, enough about Terminator.

Let's see. I was talking about the Starbucks arrest. the Starbucks arrest. And everyone's like, boycott Starbucks. This is what outrage culture is, okay? So some asshole racist person who works at Starbucks, now they call because these two black guys are hanging out not purchasing anything at Starbucks,

which is the meeting place in all of America. If you've got to meet somebody, you say, meet me at a Starbucks. Okay? You go, and you wait. And so they go do this, and they, I'm sorry, I'm getting something queued up,

because I'm going to do a fucking stupid-ass joke later. Anyway. And they go to this Starbucks and this racist employee calls the cops and the cops arrest these two black guys just for hanging out. They were waiting for somebody. And while they're getting arrested, the other guy shows up and he's like, what the fuck is going on? I was – they were waiting for me. And whatever. It's complete – it's definitely racist.

It's racial profiling. And it's terrible. Okay? And yeah, I understand that there's a whole system involved where it's, you know, racism is a problem. It's not just this one person that does this. But people are saying that

are like, boycott Starbucks. Boycott all Starbucks. This is the problem with with the outrage culture is that it's not starbucks fault it's it's genuinely not starbucks fault it's this person's fault now i get you know to clip a racist out of uh that that's not doing anything you've got to get to the root of the problem but saying there were people online i put out this tweet what was it i put out this tweet that was just um don't you know uh it's not i wrote people people just don't listen on twitter too they just don't listen on twitter i said why are they why are people saying starbucks is racist it was the one it was that

one employee who was racist. It's not like Starbucks tells them to arrest black people. They just serve terrible coffee. Be mad at that, okay? Like Starbucks can't be in control of everybody's mind that works for it. Obviously, they don't want to hire racist people. I mean, unless I'm completely wrong and the head of Starbucks is is is stacy keach from fucking american history acts and so i was saying that and somebody wrote me why do you feel it's important not to make larger

connections about systemic racism and instead keep it solely about interpersonal interactions what's at stake for you and not acknowledging the issue is larger than one manager and i said it sure is bigger than one person but that's that is not starbucks fault if you think it is then you're a problem not me and then i wrote to the same person oh wait you have those short bangs and shit now i get why you're saying this because of course you had those fucking short ass bangs but it's like it's like it's so it's such a liberal thing where they're like, oh, I'll fucking – I'll make it about the biggest possible issue I can. I could like fucking shit my pants and people – and a liberal would be like, well, you know, the problem is in our food. And you're like, no, I just,

I should have got it to a bathroom. No, the problem is in the companies that provides our food. How liberal can you be? I get that there is a systematic race, systemic, what the fuck is the word? Systemic racism. But like Starbucks isn't the system in place making people racist.

It's larger than Starbucks. So when I say as a comedian, by the way, making a joke about how bad their coffee is and then people and then someone else is like, uh, uh, what did they say? Well, you're saying systemic racism isn't a problem? I said it four times it was a problem. Here. Why are you so mad about this and not the fact Starbucks fucked up? Starbucks didn't fuck up!

They didn't fuck up! I wrote because Starbucks didn't fuck up they didn't fuck up I wrote because Starbucks didn't fuck up I'm mad about outrage culture it's so annoying and awful fire that scumbag who called the cops you're trying to go to fucking Starbucks and fucking

you can't because god damn I can't pick up the fucking thing here I gotta stop doing these fucking music cues they're never up on time I wanted to fucking do a thing about how you can't go to Starbucks because it ain't safe it ain't safe. It ain't safe.

But I, whatever, dude, you get the raw shit. Hey, how about our music videos have 122 million views, dude? Who watches music videos on YouTube? Who's doing that i you know what i get kids i guess i don't know i don't fucking know i i like i like i here's the thing i like get i'm not talking about the starbucks thing anymore i want to go back to terminator fucking i like movies that nail i like movies here's the thing. I like get it. I'm not talking about the Starbucks thing anymore. I want to go back to Terminator fucking. I like movies that nail. I like movies. Here's the thing.

I like sci-fi movies. My buddy's talking about Star Wars Star Trek. I don't I can't fucking watch Star Wars Star Trek. Okay to me. Here's what I figured out. I like the movies that are about things in the future that I could see happening. I can't like a movie. I was telling this to the group chat today.

Star Star Star Wars dude. I can't like a movie. I was telling this to the group chat today. Star, start star Wars, dude. Like I don't want to hear. How come every fucking movie? That's a, like a, a, a sci-fi fucking or a,

or like a Lord of the Rings type or a star Wars. They always have the scene where like, there's a fucking older guy who's like either alien or some shit that's got like a cape and a fucking staff. And the younger guy has to go to this fucking guy with the staff. And the guy is like, well, when there's good versus evil, good is the hard thing to do. Evil is the easy thing to do. So being good is hard work. And the young guy's like oh

And they go to this guy with the fucking staff If I watch a movie and a guy shows up with a staff I'm out, I'm out of the fucking movie Dude I can't watch this fucking movie Always a guy Talking about good and evil With a staff and a cape And a fucking, he's half alien or some shit

And he's always in a large room With a Comfortable as shit chair and a fucking he's half alien or some shit and he's always in a large room with a with a with a with a comfortable as shit chair right like a large domed ceiling thing with a big fucking uh uh uh window that sees either scrolling hills or outer space and he's just like breaking it the fuck down and he's got the comfy ass chair by the way the room's just like breaking it the fuck down. And he's got the comfy ass chair. By the way, the room's got nothing in it but that big ass comfy chair. Who the fuck would want to be in that room? If this guy who knows everything and has all the money in the world or whatever the fuck, goods, and gets fucking sucked off left and right,

why the fuck is he going to be alone in a room with a comfy chair and that's it? The guy doesn't have satellite TV. Maybe sometimes he's got like grapes and cheese near him, but that's it. If I can't stand movies where there's a character with a guy and a staff, that's what I broke it down to. And he turns around and he's always in the preview too. And he turns around and he's just like, well, you know, good and evil and time travel. And if you put a vest with a bunch of pockets on it, take a hike.

Put on a vest with a bunch of pockets and take a fucking hike. How many things do you need to bring when you're hiking? You know, the vest with all the fucking pockets on it. What are you bringing? A compass? A phone? A fucking... A canteen that clips on it anyway?

You're not using the pocket? Those were the string of texts that i was sent into the fucking uh i'll just read them this is what i was saying and i try i I, I wrote, uh, any movie where there is some super fucking super knowledgeable older. Nah, I wrote any movie where there is some fucking super knowledgeable older alien man with a cape on that walks around with a staff fucking blows elephant cocks till the cows come home. And then one of the people wrote ha and then i wrote or honestly any character with a staff fuck movies with people who use staffs it's not noble it's not good i wrote fuck i hate that anytime some movie wants to beat you over the head with some bullshit good versus evil thing they give some guy a staff and make him say it all slowly and shit. I wrote interior, huge floating vessel,

nighttime always. A guy with an old staff. Humans are evil by nature. It is harder to do good. That's what separates the weak from the strong. A lot of music plays, then cut to a scene with lasers. And then I wrote, and why do they have to sit in a big lonely chair? Yeah, those characters always just have some big-ass lonely chair. They are sitting in a huge room. Who the fuck would want to do that? It's boring as shit.

Just sit in some big-ass echoey room with nothing in it and wait for some asshole to come in that needs advice about good and evil? Yeah, dude, for real. I agree with me. I always wait for, oh, and then I wrote, literally one minute later, I always wait for the food to come out to fart on the plane. It's amazing how much food smells like farts if you think about it. You ever do that? Food comes out and you're like, dude, when food comes out, imagine it's farts.

That's all I'm saying. Mind blown. God, I don't fart. I'm kidding about that, but like farting on a plane is some gangster shit. Farting on some plane? Farting on a plane? And raising your hand? It was me, everybody.

Enjoy the fart particles. Yeah. Yeah. Every time I walk around. Let me do an ad break first. You get your babies. Oh, shit. Hey, guys, have you heard of a little thing called eHarmony?

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and you click it and you select however much money you owe somebody and then you send it off. so that's what's up uh anyway uh so i uh i every time i walk to the airport on a sunday i notice this bugs me this bugs the shit out of me okay and i don't even know if it's fair that it bugs me or not. Cause they can do whatever they want through their own company. By the way, here's what I believe.

Look, when I, I see, I see the hustle and bustle of the airport. I see, uh, every store open, but Chick-fil-A is never open on Sunday.

Okay. Now I want to give Chick-fil-A a ruby red fuck you for that. Now I don't eat Chick-fil-A. Okay? I don't eat Chick-fil-A because it's unhealthy. That's it. That's the reason. I made a decision a while ago.

This is America. And if a company supports something that I don't agree with that's as far as i go i go you know what fuck that company fuck that company but if i like the product look they can do whatever they want companies it's like free speech you're free to fucking say look i don't agree here's the thing about the roseanne thing. She voted for Trump. A lot of people are saying, oh, you shouldn't endorse Roseanne. Get her show off the air. That's un-American.

She can vote for whoever she wants to. She can vote for whoever she wants to. She can be outspoken for whoever she wants. She does not deserve to get her show taken off the air because of who she voted for and who she's outspoken about. That's the most un-American thing. I want people to vote for who they want to vote for. I don't want people to vote for who I want them to vote for. I was never like that, man.

You know, I want, if somebody, I was always like that coming up with as an open miker, I've never said, Hey, can I get on your show? If you want me to be on your show, never said hey can i get on your show if you want me to be on your show you'll ask me to be on your show you know guys guys bug me to open for me and don't bug me they ask hey can i open for you i'll ask you that's how i feel i was talking about this with hassan minaj because we disagreed about it um we did a show together and we were hanging we had some dinner and uh he was bringing up some good points he was like well i was really shy when i was coming up and people said to me now that like

you know he was saying like now that he has some sort of following people would say like why didn't you just ask me to open for me i would have loved it and i was he was like and i just was shy and i know people are shy and that's a good point but But still, I feel like if people will ask you, like, don't, it's the only thing, like, if you're in LA trying to submit for agents, like, they'll just, you'll get represented if you're good and you work hard. You will. That's how you know also it's working. You know what I'm saying?

Hey, vote for me. Hey, vote. You know, these fucking breaking it down to the dumbest level these chicks vote for me maxim's hot 100 yeah i'll do that hey chicks hey will you tweet my link out i'm trying to get the what you're trying to get it legit fuck it i want people to vote for me if they want to vote for me i don't want to convince anybody this is why i can never run for president i don't want to convince

anybody they like me if they like me if you don't like me put a hike. Put on some fucking boots with some high socks, get some fucking nice, khaki cargo shorts, put a vest with a bunch of pockets on it, get a net hat and go near a river. I don't want... I was always like that, dude.

If I'm dating someone and they're like, you know what? I think I want to see other people. It's close. My hands are tied. See ya. I can't. My hands are tied now. It's close.

Go to lunch. I don't, I'm not into it. And that's not to say if a girl, I still, if I like the girl, if I love the girl, and she does that, it's still, I'm heartbroken, but I don't want to, dude, I've been in relationships where they say, oh, I want to be in an open relationship now, and I say, oh, well, okay, you know, what am I going to convince you to not, what, you don't want it, you don't want it, sorry the fuck, Nara, Sorry the fuck, Nara I'm out I was with a girl once and she was like I saw Oprah and

She had on somebody that had an open relationship And maybe we should try that That was it Whee! I jumped off a building In my mind, in the relationship I jumped off the relationship building I don't mean I was like suicidal

Whee! I did my own stunts in my mind, in the relationship. I jumped off the relationship building. I don't mean I was like suicidal. Whee! I did my own stunts. You know? Life's too fucking short. Although I do like the bit where Chris Rock is like, life is longer than a motherfucker. Because it is.

Because life is long, dude. They're all made of moments that are very, very quick. That's the thing. But life is long as fuck. And if you do it right, it's better than coming. By the way, it was National fucking Sibling Day the other day. Hey, days, go fuck yourself. When I see people post, hey, sorry, almost forgot. Here's one of me and my brother. National Sibling Day. Day? Gay. National Sibling Day. Hey, sit on this.

Bounce around a little bit. For those of you not watching the podcast, I got my middle finger up. Got my middle finger up. How the fuck am I supposed to do that? Stick my eyeballs out and turn it around. What's that fucking? Stick it out like a grunt. a green hand with an orange thumb. Like,

national. Oh, sorry guys. Almost forgot National Sibling Day. Oh dude, you know what? I was actually pissed at you until you apologized. Thanks for posting a picture with you and your sis. When people say shit like that, I just want to go,

fuck my mouth. Just to stop them and have them be like, excuse me. Did you know it's National Pizza Day? It's National Sibling Day. It's National Hamster Day. It's National fucking Air Max Day. It's National Bald Men Association Hamster Day is National fucking Air Max Day.

It's National Bald Men Association Day. It's National fucking fuck my mouth. Instead of those days, fuck my mouth. Hey, where's fuck my mouth day? I want someone to fuck my mouth so I don't have to hear this shit and I'll be traumatized over it. But Chick-fil-A is not open on sundays and that's bullshit because i don't like chick-fil-a though because they like didn't the guy the head of the didn't he donate to some anti-gay shit and then he's like not open sunday because he's a he's like a christian like, hey, dude, hey, welcome to Backwardsville. That's the most age-old shit. That's the most age-old problem there is, is just, yeah, I'm religious. I'm Christian. I love

everybody, but also don't be this way. And I judge you, but I love it, but I love you. You're going to hell. But, you know, do what you want. Look, you want to go to hell. All good. Just don't be around my daughter. Like, go fuck yourself, man. How about this? I can't be religious until that shit stops.

If all that shit stops, I'll tell you what, if all that shit stops, I'll buy a fucking, one of those big ass religious hats that looks like a cock that just goes high up that bishops wear. I'll walk around all slow. Every Pope walks around so fucking slow. And I'm not even telling you,

like I know you're like, oh, because he's old. No, it's not. That motherfucker walks slow since he walked. How religious is it to walk slow? You ever seen a religious guy run? Nah.

They don't run. They don't fucking run at all. They walk around all slow, taken in Christ. How religious is it to go take a walk and talk with somebody? Would you like to go get some fresh air? Who said that that never believed in God? Nobody's ever said that that hasn't believed in God. Would you like to go take a walk for some fresh air?

Talk about some sins? Are you gay? Okay, let's go then. I love everybody. I love everybody. I mean, Beer Day, National Pet Day, National Make Lunch Count Day, National Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day. These are all in April. Lookalike Day?

Get the fuck out of here. You know there's a Twins Day too. Fuck you. Picnic day. Imagine celebrating all of these being the asshole at work. That's like, Hey, it's the 25th. It's national telephone day. How about on the 30th? It's national honesty day. That day. I'm going to walk in to wherever I am. I'm going to be like, you're fat. And they're going to be like, what? And I'm going to say, it's the 30th. Haven't you heard? It's National Honesty Day.

Jerked off today. See ya. I came in my bed before I woke up today. I was alone. One small coffee. Sir, yes, you need to leave. Well, it's National Honesty Day. It does have a point.

Two guys come in that look like each other. You guys are here on the wrong day. This is the 20th. Pet day. How basic that shit is. That shit is. It's Italian. How basic that shit is.

Every day is pet day. Every day you walk around around you see everybody with their fucking pets what is this look at this what is this may go up may world password day what the fifth is free comic book day the state the sixth is nurses day the eighth is teacher appreciation day the ninth is receptionist day which is like they were like well i would do the teacher one and the receptionist is the 11th is eat what you want day i mean where where do we live in fucking north kore? You can do that anytime. 15th is Chocolate Chip Day. 18th is, oh, No Dirty Dishes Day.

What? Oh, the 20th. I'm not making this shit up. It's Be a millionaire day. Hey. Hey, guys. Did you walk around just, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Hello.

It's my day. Why? It's be a millionaire day. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Dude, be a millionaire day. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Dude, be a millionaire day. I mean, come on, dude. Fucking start up, turn over the car, drive by, crash into. Come on, dude. Fucking start up. Turn over the car. Drive by. Crash into.

That's a fucking drive by that crashed into. Be a millionaire day. What kind of cocksucker do you have to be to celebrate that? I want to know if there's be a billionaire day. Scavenger hunt day. And then there's hamburger day. What kind of fat fuck do you have to be to celebrate a hamburger day scavenger hunt day and then there's hamburger day what kind of fat fuck do you have to be to celebrate a hamburger day you know just some guy at a desk if you're a guy that celebrates hamburger day you're a guy that eats on his belly

i mean one fire just googled wimpy from Popeye. That motherfucker always made me so hungry. Every time he would eat burgers, he'd just toss them up and eat burgers and shit. That shit made me so hungry always. Every time I saw wimpy eating burgers by the fucking, like they were Skittles, I was so hungry every time. I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today Worst businessman Or best

That guy would die at 22 How old was Wimpy when he died? He looked old I know he never lived, I get it One fire looked at me weirdly I get it, I know Why does it make me hungry though? Yeah, there's too many fucking...

I saw National Sibling Day the other day. You fucking asshole. Get out of your asshole. Same people who fucking post about that shit go to Coachella all day long. Everybody is at Coachella. Everybody's at Coachella. I already did a Coachella rant.

I'm not going to do it again. But like... Everybody's a Coachella. I already did a Coachella rant. I'm not going to do it again. But like, how about Beyonce talking about, she was like, she's asking media outlets not to post unflattering pictures about her. Hey, Beyonce, this is earth. Hey, Beyonce, look around.

Do you see the houses? Do you see the hills? Do you see the blue sky? Look down. Do you see the houses? Do you see the hills? Do you see the blue sky? Look down. Do you see grass or dirt? That's because this is Earth. And on Earth, there's the Internet. And when there's the Internet, there's shitty photos of famous people.

Ask Ben Affleck. I can't think of Ben Affleck without thinking of affleck but yeah dude she i love to on twitter people were like well she can ask but it's not gonna happen oh really housewife oh really a person well she can ask it's her life but i don't think i think honestly people are gonna it's gonna make it worse oh really you fucking two-bit tweeter um yeah dude like what does she think that's gonna make it worse i mean dude i'm not i'm not what am i one one millionth as famous as beyonce there's pictures of me i know i'm a comedian so i take silly pictures sometimes but there's pictures of

me that i'm just like oh no i'm literally like oh if a girl i was interested in wanted to date me and then googled me and saw that picture, she wouldn't go out with me. I need that picture off of the internet. Now, Juan Fier is Googling pictures of me and pictures of my ex-girlfriend are coming up, and that's an extreme Juan Fier move. But it's all good. Juan Fier.

Juan Getridov is laughing in Juan Fier's face. but it's all good. One fire. One, one get rid of is laughing in one fire's face. Cause even one get rid of knows not to do that from his Russian heritage. But Coachella dude. Beyonce made history this weekend as the first black woman to headline Coachella. Isn't Coachella like four years old? How old is it?

11? Is it really that old? Oh, man. I love, I just love and hate the internet, you know? You got to do it. You got to... I think what Beyonce should do is post the unflattering pictures and be like, motherfucker, come at me.

I know that's like my style, but like, and it's not Beyonce's style. But also like you just get older and you start looking more and more like a potato that's just what happens you know also she's I mean dude she's moving her body like a fucking

move your body like a snake what was that fucking R. Kelly song R. Kelly is specific when he makes music you remind me of my jeep it's a sexist how come r&b can be so sexist you haven't heard much about r&b though this year that's probably why because r&b people think hip-hop is sexist and country music sex nothing more sexist than r&b you remind me of my jeep bitch that's basically you're a cunt face you remind me of my jeep you're nothing you're not good for anything

but fucking you remind me of my jeep you've got four wheels those are titties i mean remember when r kelly made that fucking 90 part song about being trapped in the closet i mean r is there anybody who's more of a nut job than r kelly by the way that's my favorite fucking song of all time i don't give a shit r kelly Kelly was the fucking Paul Simon of R&B. Paul Simon would sing that shit. He would just be like, yeah, I walked to the store one day and I walked to the store. I talked to the clerk and the clerk. And I fucking drank some.

And I was walking down the street and man, man. And white people were like, ah, that speaks to me. And then R. Kelly is just like, I's trapped in the closet? For fucking 50 minutes. And white people are like, No. It's the same thing. R. Kelly has got to be the biggest nut job. I mean, he pees on 14-year-olds.

That's enough. But but also his songs dude look at this we googled it the first thing that came up trapped in the closet chapter 15 hey too many dude r kelly how many times has he open hand slapped a woman like for asking a question and just been like bitch you don't ask me shit you don't ask me shit Listen to the clock Tick tick Till you get hit again Right?

And the girl's just like I don't know I ain't control you bitch Just fucking You remind me of a dog Pssst Just pissing on her Who remind me of a dog. Just pissing on her. R. Kelly is such a lunatic.

And nobody, this is how much, this is how crazy R. Kelly is. Nobody really talks about how fucking bad he is at life. Like Harvey Weinstein, you just look at him and you're like, oh, well, fuck this guy. We're going to take him down. He's a piece of shit. R. Kelly is insane. That's how you know he's insane because nobody's like, get R. Kelly, you know. He needs to be in jail because they're literally just like, oh, I don't know what the fuck to do with him.

He pisses on 14-year-olds and sings about being trapped in a closet literally for 30 chapters or however many chapters it was. Just sit insane. Honestly, that movie rampage i want to see gorillas and alligators big motherfucking shits just fighting each other and the rock doing sign language to an albino gorilla that's what i want to see and i want to see it because of the rock because he's a goddamn movie star and he might be the only one left and the movie didn't do as well as they thought it was, but it was still number one because of The Rock. That movie is not even Rampage. It's Dwayne Johnson in Rampage.

That's what that movie should be called. That guy's, that guy's the shit. I read an article once where it was like, he's the male Beyonce. He is. He's the male Beyonce. That guy. I love the rock. God, that guy fucking makes me laugh. Intentionally too. Intentionally, not ironically or unintentionally. Like when he makes a joke, I go like this, ha ha ha, the rock. And I mean it. He did it. Okay, mother effer. Like when he does that shit on Instagram,

because he won't say fuck, I go, ha ha ha, keep it clean, rock. Yeah, he's a bad son bitch. He's a bad son bitch, isn't he? Ha ha ha. Yeah, he's a bad son bitch. He's a bad son bitch, isn't he? Ha ha ha. Kevin Hart is short. Ha ha ha. And I'll go, ah, he is.

Fuck out of the rock. The guy's a fucking, the guy's a shit. Oh, and mark my fucking words, dude. You don't think, if you don't think The Rock is going to run for president one day, you're a fucking idiot. What's the presidential song?

The fucking, how's it go? That, yeah. And The Rock comes out. Ha, I'm gonna... I'm gonna run for president. America, you son of a bees. And I'll just be like, oh shit, we should vote for him.

And everyone's like, yeah, yeah, we should vote for him. When I tweeted him once, I wrote, why is The Rock always posting, why is The Rock always posing like this on Instagram? And I did that thing where he's like this. And then he tweeted me back, because even my nose hair are handsome sumbitches. And I'm showing them off. And then he put in parentheses, or it could be I'm too lazy to raise my arm any higher.

And that made my day because The Rock is my favorite movie star, straight up. I fucking, he's great. He's great. He is who he is. This is why I like him. He knows who he is, and he amplifies that. That's exactly right. Especially, first first of all it's right in life it's especially right if you're a fucking movie star or in the entertainment business

or on stage as a stand-up comedian the guy's great man the guy's great i'm a huge rock fan i love him i'll go see i'll probably go see Rampage. I might go see it tonight. But mark my words. You know, when I did Conan once, Conan said this, and then I did that. I remember that episode. Yeah, he's cool, man. he's a cool motherfucker i didn't know what a good time to talk about this was on that episode but i wanted to bring this up

um i should have i should have maybe opened with it but it's a little bit more of a serious thing and a somber thing and a sad thing um uh yeah but uh it means a lot to us comics here uh mitzi shore passed away and mitzi shore passed away and it was uh it was a a weird thing it was first of all it's a sad thing because she owned the comedy store and she created the comedy store and um you Store for 46 years ago. And it was and is the greatest place for us as comedians to feel at home. And she always made it a point to where you could say whatever you want to on stage and not be judged. And I always felt that at the Comedy Store.

And I don't feel that at all the other clubs. I mean, I make myself feel that way when I'm doing the road and stuff like that. But at the comedy store, it felt like you were accepted for that, for being unapologetic in your stances and in your comedy. And they wanted that. They wanted you as an artist to be that way. And I learned a lot at the comedy store because of that through mitzi and through the people who ran the club that were employed by mitzi and i met her at least once um and uh she was just like this this first of all she did so much for comedy but she just like this – first of all, she did so much for comedy, but she was like this woman that cared about it so much. And like I always say here, if you know, you listen to this podcast, you know I love when people are good and care about what they do. But she loved finding talent and like nurturing comedians and loved trying to spot talent.

And she told people what she thought of them and she made careers uh made comedy careers she made stand-up careers uh happen and she was one of the people that uh started something i can't i'm paraphrasing this but i was reading the other day about how she kind of like helped birth comedy central in a way, or what has come to be known as Comedy Central. But without her, comedy would be a different thing. Stand-up would be a different thing today. She's just like a legend in comedy. And I don't know if people who listen to this podcast know that.

I know some of you do because you're comedy fans, obviously you listen to this podcast. But people think of comedians as the people that change the game for comedy and oh yeah richard pryor and george carlin and whoever eddie murphy and you know the guys now that are moving comedy in the direction that it's moving um but but there's also the people that aren't on stage that do that like mitzi shore and and i know others too but mitzi shore was arguably the most important person who did who who was that and she she passed away a few days ago and you know i i knew her i met her like i said once or twice she

passed me i was one of the last i was one of the last people that i was actually the last the last person that she passed i believe i was the last person that she passed um at the comedy store that where there were showcases i know she i know she passed one other person after me but just because she came to the club and saw him on stage and was like put that person on the line on the lineup a lot and that was justin martindale who's great um but she just hadn't like she would do that she would just have she would just see somebody and be like put that person on every single night at 10 o'clock. And whoever was running the club would be like, really? And that person would then become, you know, a big comedic star because she felt like, oh, she would do stuff like that.

This person needs to open the show at nine o'clock every night for a year because she thought that that person needed that in their journey or whatever you want to call it. Or you got to give this person late night spots. They got to go on at 1 a.m. because they need to talk to five people and become more conversational or whatever she would say. And she had ideas for every comedian. And she was like, you know, they said they called her like the godmother at the comedy store. And I just, look, the comedy store is my favorite place, period.

And it's my favorite building. And I love performing there. And she made it that way. And she meant a lot to me. And, you know, she meant a lot to a lot of comedians. And, you know, I think she knew that. But it was just her not – and even though she wouldn't come to the club a lot anymore because, you know, in her last days – last few years, she's really fragile and old. years she's really fragile and and old and um but it was still a a weird moment uh for me i can speak for me uh even though i i didn't have many moments with her at all but uh just knowing that she had

had passed on and it it it made me feel sad and it made me feel, I mean, I'm still figuring it out, you know, but I sit and I think about it. Uh, and the comedy store and, and, and just what she's done and how crazy it is that one person can do so much. And my heart goes out to the Shores and Pauly, because she's Pauly Shores' mom. I don't know if everybody knows that, but I fortunately so far don't know what that feels like yet to lose a parent, but that's got to be the worst so my heart goes out to paulie i think he's dealing with a well i mean i haven't talked to him yet but um um you know he

seems to be active and being sweet on twitter to to everybody who's talking about it and uh but we all we all as comedians loved loved what she did and um even the people that didn't know her are like thankful about her it's just it's just really cool it's cool that there's somebody like that and that comedians can can have their moment where besides the fact that they're always making fun of everything to just like you know uh be serious about something and and and and express to people how how much she meant anyway I'm kind of going on and on about this but I just wanted to because she was a really important person in comedy

and because of that she was a really important person to me and she passed me at the club and that meant I mean that's one of the fucking things in comedy that like comedians would start and be like oh I want to Mitzi Shore will she see me I mean will she pass me? Do you think she thinks I'm good enough?

And that's just cool to me that – I don't know. I appreciate that moment, that small moment that she gave me in my life and made me feel accepted. I don't know. It's just a fucking awesome thing. And so rest in peace or whatever they say, you know, to Mitzi Shore. And thanks for what you did in comedy. So that's what I have to say about that. And much more probably.

But that's it. I don't know how to get back to silliness with that after that. But you know what we can do? Is I don't have an elder i don't have a uh and oh i do have an ig actually but before i do that um let's do this i'll read that email uh this guy so one fire sent me this and he wrote i thought you'd like this one now you guys i've talked about how much i fucking hate san diego and i mean it okay because it sucks elephant dicks till the cows come home and um this guy writes me i don't know should i say his name does it matter nah fuck it uh

subject san diego he emails one fire this okay and in the message he says a a y so i already like this guy i don't know if this is how i'm supposed to contact anyone but fuck it whoever reads this one fire ivan get rid of doesn't matter it's absolutely not chris because sleazy anyways i listened back so long ago and heard chris's about SD. Now, I've been in SD for six years now, almost seven. Redundant detail. This is him saying this. And I can't agree with Chris more. Tell him that a San Diegan said, I'm so sorry for those fucking morons.

A long time ago, Chris posted on Facebook asking where he should perform in SD, and I commented, dude, you should just stay the fuck home. He may have even blocked me now that I think about it, but I meant it from the bottom of my heart. I saw Harlan Williams in SD a while back, and they heckled the shit out of him. He's the nicest fucking guy, and these fucking pieces of goddamn shit wouldn't shut the fuck up.

If I were Chris, I would just stop performing here because there's too many idiots. I don't go out to the bars anymore because of them. I really want to see Chris, but I don't want to to the bars anymore because of them. I really want to see Chris, but I don't want to deal with the sad humanity of downtown SD on a weekend. I saw Bill Burr twice up at a casino in Funner, California.

I'm not kidding. That's a real fucking city. I would totally drive 30 minutes north to see Chris, and I know he can fill that room. Don't let the idiots make you sour to SD. You have a lot of fans here that will travel a little bit to see you.

Just realized I'm giving fucking advice to a professional stand-up comedian like my piece of shit-ass knows what I'm talking about. What an asshole, you know? Anyway, love you guys. Love the podcast. Been a fan since TMP episode one. Well, Casey, thank you for your email. I feel like Casey Kasem. Well, Casey, thank you for your email.

I feel like Casey Kasem. Well, Casey, thank you for your email. This one, thank you for your honest email. We love what you said about San Diego. And, well, we totally agree. Well, on that note, here's a little special song for you. I ain't got no mother fucker. So I fucked your bitch, you fat mother fucker. Take money. West side. Bad boy kill. Take money. special song for you.

That shit made me laugh, dude. I was laughing. One fire. Hey, look, one fire. He can get fired and Ivan gets rid of. We can throw him out the window. But these guys know me, man. And when they send me an email, I read it because they know my sensibility and my sense of humor.

So on that note, we'll take you out with a banger. Sarude. All right. So, oh, I also have an IG, which is a good one. I found a fucking good one. Someone sent it to me. Let me do it before I do the intro. Here we go.

Get him to my uh-oh saved ones. Hey, guys. It's time for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. Gunk. There we go.

This one is... Okay. I'll just do the caption first. This one is... Okay. I'll just do the caption first. This is what she says. I want you to really live. So she's taking interest and giving us advice to all of her followers. And she's got a lot of followers, I think. Oh, yeah.

I want you to really live. Oh, first, that's so sweet of you, dude. I want you to really live. I want you's so sweet of you, dude. I want you to really live. I want you to take adventures and break your own fucking rules. She says fucking so you know that she means business. Blow your own mind. Stop living what you think you should do and start feeling what you should do. Stop living what you think you should do and start feeling what you should do.

Requirements, bank accounts, systems, they are all bullshit. Stop being a slave to the money. Disregard all superficiality because trust me, it's not the answer. Nine times out of ten when people say this shit, they're literally writing a note to themselves. This one says, loving life and all this freedom with I guess this is her man. I'm not going to say his name. Thank you for being exactly who you

are. There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story within you. Go be you. Heh. Sad stuff everybody has been saying for years you're not a philosopher and in the picture she's in a fucking i don't even know what it is like a house with no walls and a window looking out a window even though the house is outside and she's looking at the rear end of a horse. And we can't see her face. And she's naked. Of course she's naked, dude.

What's wrong with everybody? Everybody's a fucking psychopath. A legitimate psychopath. We develop psychopaths. How do I do this? How do I undo that that we develop psychopaths we develop psychopaths hey guys hey world stop developing psychopaths um all right look that's it we went over an hour and ten minutes and you guys we had a good time

I know it was mostly me doing all the heavy lifting and work but you guys you came through and you listened to the podcast and I'll tell you what our numbers are growing and pretty soon pretty soon we'll all be in that log cabin in the woods or on the field or wherever the fuck we are but you guarantee

I guarantee we'll be sitting Indian style and we'll be sharing ideas and getting fucked and sucked and leaving, living that hedonistic lifestyle. And honestly, it's better than coming. Do we do have any outros or what? Okay. It's better than coming.

Square cash. Have you switched yet? Do we have any outros or what? Okay. It's better than coming. SquareCash. Have you switched yet? Download the free SquareCash app. Enter rewards code congrats and get $5 and give $5 to Time's Up. So you're a good person. So get it for iOS or Android now. Follow the Leader Tour. That's my tour.

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It ain't safe, it ain't safe. It ain't safe, it ain't safe. So white. And just remember, I seriously want you to remember, it's better than coming. Motherfucker.