Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 65. Walmart Comic Kid

Episode Date: April 24, 2018

It's the 65th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about NBA locker room fashion. Also discussed: the South, Blade Runner, computers in older futuristic movies, and the Walmart Yodel Kid. We name a special elder and Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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deposited right to the app? Well, then download the Cash App because all of the babies use it and I use it, elders and babies alike. That's why it's the number one finance app in the App Store. We'll discuss it later on in the show. But download the free cash app for iOS or Android now. What's up, babies? Hey, it's episode 65. What the fuck we doing? And you know what?

We're making some changes here at Congratulations Studios. First of all, I'm wearing sunglasses. And you can see that on the YouTube video. And it's because MFuture's too bright. That's why. MFuture's too bright. And I'll be taking them off in the middle of the show because they're going to be way too annoying now that's definitely true um so uh yeah but that's uh so it's episode 65 and I was in uh dude first of all I was in fucking I had been to the south before and I've been to Texas I've been to Jacksonville um i've been to jacksonville um uh florida and i thought that

that was the south i thought when i saw jacksonville florida i was like oh that's the fucking south not texas northern florida that shit's southern okay you don't get much more southern than that i went to alabama southern Okay? That's the South. Everyone had an accent. In Texas, sometimes you hear people just talking regular, just, hey, what's up? What's going on? Hey, how's everybody doing? In Alabama, everybody talks like that.

Huntsville, Alabama, and Auburn. Hey, Auburn, get more churches. Auburn has so many churches, it's un-fucking-believable. You can walk out of a church and you're in a new church we get it we get it hey you guys believe whatever you want to but put some sandwich places in the middle put some fucking starbucks up put an ikea put a home depot don't need another steeple i never knew what a steeple is anyway. What is a steeple? Doesn't matter. Fuck it.

What's it matter? What do words matter? I'm in one of those moods, man. I was in Alabama and it was so, there were so many fucking dude. There were so many Southerners. That shit is a different world.

It's actually a different world. I went there and there were people in my audience with cowboy hats on my audience with cowboy hats on. I get that Ron White's audience, but my audience, my fans with cowboy hats to be a fan of Chris Aliyah and still be wearing a cowboy hat. That means I'm fucking going global, baby. That means I'm going global. It's making me happy. I like different people with different styles and different areas in the country and also beyond to be a baby um but i was in alabama and i was also in i'm doing this thing where i forget where the fuck

i've been hey butters fucking relax, fucking relax, dude. Over here. I'm doing this thing where I just, I don't remember where I've been. I couldn't remember two weeks ago that I was in Pittsburgh or Cleveland. It took me about 20 minutes. I had to not look it up. I texted my opener and shit.

But I couldn't remember. And then I went to Alabama and I can't remember where else. Oh, Nashville. I had a Nashville show. Nashville is always a great time. I have a good time in Nashville, and I did a show there at the War Memorial Auditorium,

which is a weird thing to say, War Memorial. War Memorial. I kept fucking it up. War Memorial. War Memorial. So I did a show there, and it was really fun, man. I kept fucking it up. Memorial Memorial. So, uh, I did a show there and it was really fun, man. It was all sold out. I had about 1700 babies in there. And, uh, so I did that. And then I was traveling with my opener. He chipped his fucking tooth. Did I talk about this last time? Oh, he chipped his tooth. I think I did. He chipped his tooth. Anyway,

you guys know that if you follow me on Instagram or whatever. But he chipped his fucking tooth and then he got it fixed. The dude can't fucking speak. He thought merry-go-round was merry-go-round. I said, dude, how do you not know it's merry-go-round? How have you not seen it? How have you not fucking paid attention? And he said, I didn't really read that much i stopped that goosebumps hey idiot imagine reading goosebumps and being like i'm done

goosebumps dude so many books of goosebumps Goosebumps Is that R.L. Stine Is that what that says R.L. Stine what a cocksucker name that is Anytime you go by Two initials that's your name You know like J.P. Or R.L.

You know what J.P. isn't that bad because it happens a lot But R.L. That's not a name dude J.P. is almost a name in its own if your name is RL though like what is it Ralph fucking what is it a guy Logan

Ralph Logan or some shit just call yourself Ralph RL Stein look at him let me look at What R.L. Stine looks like Looks like a guy that gets so mad he blacks out He looks like a guy that gets so mad That he blacks out and then wakes up

And is like, what's going on, where'd everybody go And didn't know what happened That's the real goosebumps But, so yeah And then I was like, what else do you not know And he goes like this uh first of all he didn't know when he dude he told me this one he was like you know when people say like yeah while you're waiting he thought it was why you're waiting why you're waiting why

you're waiting why you're waiting we'll get a table. It doesn't make sense. I was like, dude, the words don't even make sense, dude. Just think about what the words would be. He'd be like, stop the goose bumps. And then another one was, what was it? Marigold round? While you're waiting? Oh, and might as well? He thought it was mine as well.

Might as well. Yeah, I might as well. Ah. Might as well. Yeah, I might as well eat it. Might as well eat it. What kind of a dunce do you have to be? And he was like, nah. He's like, that's usually how it goes. He was like, that's usually how it goes. He's like, that's a common mistake.

I was like, no, dude. Mine as well? Those words don't even make sense together. Did you just hear that dollar bill go? That means daddy made another fucking few dollars that's what that that's what that means i got the fucking sunglasses on because my future's too bright and you know what it's they're blue sunglasses with blue tent i'm stepping up my fashion game dude and i know i constantly try to step up my fashion game, dude. And I know I constantly try to step up my fashion game. But this time, dude, Undefeated sent me so much sauce. It's fucking ridiculous.

Undefeated sent me so much sauce. I literally open it up and I go like this out loud to no one. What am I making, a bowl of pasta? That's what I fucking said. What? They sent me a fucking yellow hoodie, a peach hoodie, a fucking gray and white windbreaker, black shirt, lime shirt, dark green shirt, white crew neck, sweater, sauce, some fucking gray slides. Like I'm walking around like I'm Tony Soprano, but the hip version. Dude, get out of here, man. They gave me peach fucking sweats too much. What am I making a bowl of pasta?

Am I making pasta for a fucking family and some guests? What the fuck? Oh, and he's got shoes with tags still on him. Hey dude, that's Crystal Leo over there. He's got shoes with tags still on him, dude.

What the fuck jokes on him. He's still got the fucking, the, the, the's Crystal Leo over there. He's got shoes with tags still on them. Dude, what the fuck? Joke's on him. He's still got the fucking, the sticker down his leg that says L 40 times. I guess he wears a large. What a joke. He doesn't even know. It's because he has too much sauce. It has nothing to do with the fucking, it's because I've got, dude, when somebody says to me, your tags still on, I'm going to look over them, Adam, like the fucking it's because I've got dude when somebody says to me your tax to line I'm going to look

over him Adam like the fucking T 1000 and say I have too much sauce and then open the wallet like the T 1000 did with have you seen this boy and then it's going to be a fucking bowl of pasta and I'm going to say have you seen this bowl

he drips he drips he drips he drips dude there's stuff I'm not even mentioning I got a fucking workout towel that says undefeated on it sauce sauce at the gym undefeated on it. Sauce. Sauce at the gym. Undefeated is some good shit, though, dude. Yeah, dude.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to be bringing around like a bowl of pasta everywhere. And just plain noodles with no fucking tomato sauce on it. And when they say, dude, you're going to eat dry noodles? I'd look at them and I just lower my Gucci sunglasses and I go like this. And then they go like that. They get it because they see the fucking full sauce on my outfit. I can't wait till I'm in my forties. That's what I can't wait till. So I could drip with sauce. Even in my forties, people are like, oh yeah, you're trying to wear what the kids were in? Motherfucker, I'm young, dude. I'm young as shit. I'm so young it's ridiculous.

Give me a Tonka truck, dude. Let me line up my micro machines. You know how people say you're young as you feel? That's not true, but I'm young. I don't give a fuck i'm practically 13 dude i need braces i got off the plane and when i got off the plane first of all i watched blade runner runner blade rummer or blade runner hmm blade runner 2049 and And it was cool. It was cool. And then I started watching the other Blade Runner, and it stopped by the time I landed. The earlier one, you know, the one in 1982, which, by the way, still holds up. It looks amazing, dude.

If you watch Blade Runner now, the 1982 version, it looks like it was made last year. It's so crazy how they did that. It's so crazy how they did that. And then some movies from 1982 look like they were made by, like my cousin or some shit but this shit looks so good it still looks good by the way there's like five different versions of them one of them has voiceover it's terrible but there's another version you can get that's like the final cut or something with no voiceover they took the voiceover out it's way better apparently that was what it was like more like in the um theaters but so i watched a little that was what it was like more like in the theaters. But so I watched a little bit of Blade Runner and I was like in the whole like, oh, future could be real.

This could happen. This and that shit. You know, sci-fi shit. I love how sci-fi is like stuff that could happen in the future. No, it's not though. You know? Oh, really? Sci-fi?

It could happen? Oh, really? Star Wars. See ya. So I was like in this like serious thinking mood by the way the one thing i like about the blade runner movie you know what i fucking i always bothered me about all of the movies that took place way back when and then so like take star wars or alien or like any of those movies that were the shit back in the 80s but you know when like they Tried to make a futuristic movie in the 80s

They only had the technology that they Had in the 80s so they just basically Just made it like there are more Computers not better ones Because they couldn't put the fucking cool Sleek design on it like Apple does now Now we can plus now we could because we have CGI Right you can make shit look like holograms

And fucking minority report where he's moving shit around in his hands and shit. But back then you just had like chunky computers no matter what. So if you're doing a movie in 1982 about a time in 2050, you still had to use chunky computers with that fucking green screen. You know what I'm talking about? With the green screen look like broccoli and the fucking words were all lit up and then the cursor would just go like this it would blink like this no matter what even if it took place in the year 3000 because he didn't have the fucking shit that we could do we didn't have the cgi or the the technology to make it look good so so then the star wars used to look like that and then then they made the Star Wars 7, 8, 9, whatever now that take place like a few years later.

And it's just it's like way advanced. And it doesn't make any sense because it's like supposed to be like picking up right where it left off. And then the shit just looks like it's and it's like, oh, well, that doesn't make sense in the timeline because the computers were so clunky and shitty four days ago. And then where this takes place fucking three days later even though it was made 40 years later in actual earth in real life here we are in hollywood the shit looks so advanced i don't like that but what blade runner does if you're with me by the way you're a genius because i'm not making much sense but blade runner did it the best way because the new one, 2049, which takes place like 20 years after the fucking last Blade Runner, they still have that vibe of like the chunky computers and shit.

It still looks like it's this dystopian universe where like they could use what they, they used all the scraps that they could to make the computers and shit. It's just really good the way they did it and the way they picked up where they left off. Congrats to the fucking director of the Blade Runner 2049. that shit is is awesome so i was in this mood thinking about this like fucking shit where i was like oh cool like futuristic stuff and all that and deep shit and like oh you know uh you know sci-fi deep shit but then i got off the plane and my opener who sits all the way in the back because he sits coach,

fucking, because that's what he deserves, you know, I make him do it. And he was like, hey, man, I saw Jumanji. And I was like, oh, yeah? He said, yeah, it's fucking funny. I was like, oh, yeah? He said, yeah, Kevin Hart's funny and The Rock's really good at doing those movies.

He's a great movie star, huh? And I was like, yeah, dude. And I'm still in my fucking dystopian universe shit thinking about robots and how we can connect with how machines will take over humans. And this guy's up here talking about how, oh, yeah, it's cool because The Rock was – they enter this video game and The Rock was like this little bitch ass and Kevin Hart was like the strong one. And then they had to reverse roles and the girl was a guy and Jack Black was a girl. And now he's Jack Black and this and that. And he's got all these big ass rhinos. And I'm like, hey, dude, you got to slow the fuck down.

You know when two people are in two different moods and they just don't meet and you just can't do it? And you're like, and I was getting pissed off for no reason but this guy's talking to me about jumanji for way too long during the whole walk to baggage claim he's talking to me about jumanji and how good it is now here's the other thing i might watch jumanji and i think kevin hart is great and i think the rock is great i love jack black and that other girl looks like she's funny but like at this moment in time i'm thinking about robots taking over the world. And this guy's trying to talk to me about how good Jumanji was. And I'm like,

and I, and I'm like, bro, you got to stop. I said, you got to stop talking about Jumanji. But then I realized I've done that. And it's just about moods that don't,

they're like two ships passing each other in the night, man. Right? Like, have you ever fucking been in a bad mood and then somebody who drank a cup of coffee walked around you just want to punch him in the fucking face but then sometimes that's you so i learned something i was like dude you're just gonna let people have the moods that they get in you know you just gotta fucking chill let the people have the moods that they get in and you you got to you got to kind of stay quiet because here's the thing. My opener does that shit to me, too. Like sometimes I'll be like, man, how come I get so upset when this happens?

And I'll be like, I don't know, bro. Chill. How long do we have to talk about this? And I want to fucking fire him every time. I don't know. It's like a wavelength, though. I know I talk about this, but i was thinking about this too in comedy like all these instagram fucking videos or that the people cut together and make and think are

funny as like when your ex walks in and your girl's got a bubble butt and like all those stupid as shit fucking videos every single one that's just zero funny it's like fucking so bad and then they go slow motion and it's always the fucking it'll cut to a thing and a close-up and then it's like i got the bag bag bag i got the bag bag bag and some girl will be shaking her butt and then and it's so bad and everybody is so like washed out and the eyelines are all wrong. But like those people are doing what they see, what they think – like here's the thing. If you're funny, you're on a wavelength that funny people are on, right? Like here's a guy who's really good at it.

What's that guy's name? I always forget his name on Portlandia.ia fred armisen that guy's just funny he's on that wavelength some of my buddies are that way brian callen uh andrew santino these guys are just on that wavelength bobby lee they're just funny they get it um they're on that wavelength now Now, that transcends. You can be funny. It's weird because like funny is like a language and a wavelength. But you can be funny to people who aren't on that wavelength. Now, some people who aren't on that wavelength don't get it.

But some people who aren't on that wavelength, you can break through that wavelength and reach them and they think it's funny because you're showing them what's funny. It's like a chef brings out fucking clams. You're like, I don't's funny. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like a chef brings out fucking clams. You're like, I don't like clams. It's like, well, taste these. I made them a certain way. And you're like, okay. And you taste me like, oh, I do like it. I didn't think I would, but I do.

That person showed you what it's like, right? But since that happens, since we can, we, I say we like I'm on the wavelength, but like since a funny person, if they're on that wavelength and they break through to somebody who's not funny and they think that that's funny, then they see what that is. That person who's not on that wavelength will be like, oh, that's what's funny. And so then Instagram, they have an Instagram. And they'll be like, oh, I'm going to make funny videos. I'm going to do all the things that funny people do. And then that will be funny.

But that's not what's funny. What's funny is that wavelength that they are not on. And so these videos that come out that are for the lowest common denominator, which is like when your girl has a bubble butt and she gives you some cash, going, I got the bag, bag, bag. I got the bag, bag, bag. That is not on that wavelength. But it's for all the other people not on that wavelength that don't get that wavelength. It's for people that walk around in the funny universe that just aren't on that wavelength, that are literally like this when it comes to humor. I shed it that's how they are now they might be a great businessman or banker or a fucking great

in fashion or whatever the fuck even creatively they could be a good painter but when it comes to humor i leaked out some shit i I'm leaking out shit. That's how smart they are. They're not on that wavelength. But the lowest common denominator is the most. They're the most people. So those videos on Instagram become fucking popular as shit. And then those people get 20 million followers.

I'm coming up. I want the world to know. I did it, dude. Shit is leaking. That's the truth, dude. Because they think they are all those people not on that wavelength. They think Bill Burr is funny. They get it.

They think they get it. They think some of them think he's funny. They think that, you know, the other guys I mentioned, Brian Callen's funny. Andrew Santino and these fucking, you know, but they're not on that wavelength. They're tasting the clams from the chef that prepared them the way that they didn't think that they'd

like them. And it turns out that they like them. And that's the realest shit I ever said, man. That's the realest shit I ever said, man. That's the realest shit. That's the realest shit I ever wrote. To my true motherfuckers, no. That's the realest shit I ever wrote. Here, this is the song that I'm thinking of. To the truest shit I ever spoke. 21 Girl Salute. Always at war, Tupac, you know?

Never not at war. Slept in boots and a fucking camouflage. 21 Girl Salute. You not on that wavelength? Yeah. You walk around, shit is leaking. You did a duty. You not on the wavelength.

You think it's funny. But secretly you did a duty. Against all odds a wavelength you think it's funny but secretly you did a duty against all odds doing duty in your pants you think you're on a wavelength but really duty licking down your leg dude this is the shit that I say all day long except not on the podcast. And now I have a podcast.

That's insane. It's insane. I walk around my house all day long. I talk about this. I talk about it with my dogs. I do Tupac shit. And I'll say shit like, you're leaking down your leg. But now I have a podcast and sponsors give me money because of it.

America. And people say, oh, America's going down the shitter. America's terrible. I'd rather live in fucking yada yada than America. Oh, really? That's interesting. Well, what we've got to do now is place my cock on your forehead, put my balls on your nose, and stick your tongue out so you can taste my taint. paint. America's the shit because I could talk into a microphone and talk about leaking down legs with shits and make money. This is disrespectful, but this is what you want, man. This is the baby shit. Dude, by the way, I got to tell you, man, the podcast has been going really well, and more and more people are listening, and that's what we want. And I just unscrewed this fucking thing, and guess what?

I'm angry. Now, sometimes we're going to give you a behind-the-scenes thing. Here, a congratulations podcast, and we just did. I fucked the microphone up. Now, I'm going to go ahead and blame One Fire. He's here, and Ivan Getridov is not here. So let's just blame Ivan Getridov, and I got to put this on here again because it kept sliding, and One Fire. There we go. There we go. There we go. There we go. We fixed it. I fixed it. These are other things. No, I didn't break it. These are the fucking things. One fire.

Give him a shit like he's not one fire. Ivan Getrodov is not here. How ridiculous is that? So, yeah. Oh, I guess I'll do it in ads, huh? Right? Oh, shit. Are they in the books?

It went away. Episode 65, right? Okay. Dude. One hire higher he's helping me out now fuck the mic up but came through with the ads me undies look you've heard about you've heard me talk about me undies and you know that i'm a big believer in their product and i really am that's all i wear and i'm telling you right now is chris delia not as somebody who's doing an ad so the perfect balance of comfortable fit. Every month they have new and exciting prints that arrive at your door in a fun bag. It's very cool. I love them. They're the most

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to MeUndies.com slash congrats. That's MeUndies.com slash congrats. This episode is also brought to you by Square Cash, babies. If you haven't heard, we've all switched to the cash yet. Me, Juan Fire, Ivan Getridov. It's the simplest way to pay people back. Friends, family, babies, DJ Khaled, Lil Uzi Vert. Sending and receiving money is totally free and fast.

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We want to see. It's very cool to see that stuff and all that. Of course, when you download the cash app, $5 goes to you and $5 goes to Time's Up Legal Defense Fund. And, um, yeah, tweet us your pics. Download the free Cash App for iOS or Android now. Everything okay? Okay, cool. Um, I asked

one fire if everything was okay because he was looking at the video camera like it was fucked up. Anyway. Um, anyway, dude. It's the sauce that fucking made it all happen today. It's just the sauce that made it all happen. My mom. My mom texted me.

I want to come to your house and hang pics. She's an interior decorator, and I have a bunch of stuff that's framed around. And I just haven't fucking hung up. But in my defense, I've only lived in this house for a year and a half. And I wrote, yeah, you can come. And she writes, tomorrow? Okay. Oh, she writes, tomorrow?

Okay. I'll bring my baby daddy. I said, okay, you mean dad? And she said, I told dad you'd love that, LOL. My mom's cute. And then, I don't know. She is cute. She is cute.

One of the things that she does that drives me insane though, dude, this is such a pet peeve of mine. And it's S is specific. Here's what she'll do. We'll be at a restaurant, the family or whatever, or even if it's just me and her,

whoever, whatever she'll be like, Hey Chris, do you know what you want? And I'll say, yup. Can't wait. They've got an open face Turkey sandwich or whatever the fuck I'm going to order. I probably wouldn't order that, but, and then she'll be like, hey, Chris, do you know what you want? And I'll say, yep, can't wait. They've got an open

face turkey sandwich or whatever the fuck I'm going to order. I probably wouldn't order that. But and then she'll be like, oh, OK, cool. You sure? Because they have meatloaf. Anger. I already know what I want. I already said adamantly, I know what I want. Why would you throw a kink in the mix? Don't throw a wrench into my fucking plans. I know what I want and you're going to confuse me now because you know what? I do like meatloaf. Oh, fuck. I was totally content

and happy until you suggested another meal. Why? Because moms always want to know. They always want you and everyone else to know around you that they know you best. Because he likes meatloaf. What? What can I say? So sue me. Hey, he likes meatloaf. My baby likes meatloaf. What can I say? So sue me. Moms do that all day long. That's a mom thing. And they do. They know their kid better than anyone, they do,

however, if I want an open-faced turkey sandwich, and I said it, don't throw some fucking meatloaf monkey wrench in the plan, um, yeah, I don't know, my fucking, Yeah, I don't know. My fucking... Hey, how about this, dude? And I mean it, dude. Enough. Enough with the fucking yodel kid. How about that? I don't...

You know what? I don't make fun of kids. I don't like to make fun of kids. Like, specifically. No, making fun of kids is fine talking trash about him is not now this kid fine great dude cuda everyone on board cuda he was at coachella the yodel kid The Yodel Kid? The Yodel Kid was from an eight-second clip on Instagram.

Now he's at fucking, they're going to call it Yodel Chela soon. Fucking Bay Chela, dude. Suck my balls. How about that? How about that how about that look this kid is too young to know that everyone doesn't actually give a shit about him do you know what i mean he's on stage as i whatever song oh i love my girl my darling my darling he doesn't know that everyone in that audience would fucking use his clothes to wipe their ass with. Disrespectful to call him Yodel Kid. I mean, dude, by the way.

Wethan? Wathan? The guy who brought him up as dj wathan dude how about this there's no fucking way the yodel kids parents aren't racist as shit no way there is no fucking way you get out there and you sang you sang for all the people that love the lord you sing for all the people that love the lord. You sing for all the people that love the Lord. Cause you got, got a gift. You can yodel and you can sing with the best of them. Now that's only for white people, isn't it now? And then he goes out there and he's like, huh, I guess only white people sing. Yodely, yodely, yodely, yodely. None of you give a fuck about me, but I don't know. Cause I'm seven.

Hey, how about, you want to see more disrespectful disrespectful than calling them the yodel kid the walmart yodel kid dude people are like hey it's the walmart yodel kid dude if someone called me the walmart anything i'd kill myself hey i'm not telling the yodel boy to do that please don't but dude come on, man. Walmart. Hey, Walmart comedian, Chris D'Elia. Hey, Walmart comic boy. Hey, I'm the Walmart, Walmart comic boy. How about Walmart? That name sucks. Walmart.

Two things that are S basic. But yeah, his parents are like, remember, have fun, have fun at school. Stay away from black people. And the kid's like, yo, and lives in a fucking Passat oh man my buddy was killing me the other day about how he was texting this chick he does the road

and he was talking to me about this chick that was like trying to meet up with him while he was hanging out in this whatever city it was and then she was like giving him the run around and he was there for like a few days and then he didn't end up hanging out with her and then she was like well let me know you're the next time you're back around town i'd love to see you and he was like he was writing her shit like no you don't understand oh oh wait no wait he wanted to

he wanted to like he was like let's hang out and she was like i don't want to hang out like late at night that's what it was she's like i don't want to hang out late at night but like let's grab a coffee next time you're in town and he's like i don't live here he's like he's like i don't fucking live here what the fuck am i gonna get coffee so he wrote her back um okay fine but if coffee goes well would you consider moving out to la with me and that was the best response because it's like it's like what are we doing here you know he was like dude we're either gonna have a fun time while i'm here or we're're going to start dating. Why the fuck would he get a coffee. With a girl.

The next time he goes in that area to tour. It was so funny. He was killing me dude. He wrote. Yeah cool but are you up for moving to Los Angeles. If the coffee date goes well. I got to ask him what she said. Fucking after that.

Oh it killed me. That is kind of weird, though. Like, all my friends are touring comedians. And, like, of course a lot of them, like, you know. I mean, guys. Guys try to get laid, you know. Is that okay to say at a time like this? In this culture?

But, you know, some of the girls say at a time like this in this culture but um you know some of the girls who this guy was telling me like the girls just want to like meet up and he's like what's the fucking point like i'm gonna have some friend in fucking you know portland oregon like you know what it reminds me dude oh this is what it reminds me of there's a song here god i love this fucking podcast i love doing it dude this is it what's up ma is we fucking or what dude that's what it reminds me of Like just, when a girl That's how you should have been

When the girl's like, hey, well let's get a coffee Next time you're in town, even though you never visit Fucking Portland, Oregon What's up, ma? Is we fucking Or what? Dude, Jadakiss Really trying to fucking Come up with that shit

Where he's Rappers all have to have one of the... Eh, Sinsecure, dude. Sinsecure, the bird thing. What's up, ma? Is we fucking or what? Sinsecure. Dude, you know what the most insecure...

Oh, fuck, what was it? The most insecure Fucking song Rapper shit that he does It's not Jadakiss Jadakiss is this shit by the way I love Jadakiss But fuck I'm never gonna fucking

I'm never gonna remember this I know Future's on the song Future My library Uh Fuck I'm never gonna find Oh here it is Here it is

This is Sinsecure This is the most insecure Hip hop moment of all time Real dope dillos for real Ha ha Ha ha Ha ha Ha ha

Ha ha Ha ha Dude that kills me he's trying to push it so hard by the way let me just tell you one thing i think that's pusha t he is my favorite living rapper right now. Nobody's better than Pusha T. So I fucking love Pusha T for real. If you're not familiar with his music, which you got to be.

The guy's so fucking awesome. He's real hip hop, but he's still fucking, but he doesn't, it's like he doesn't compromise, you know? He still comes across being real hip hop, but also kind of like bleeds over into the commercial. He's so fucking good, dude. But this is, eh, it's insecure. Real dope delos for real. Ha-ha!

Ha-ha! Like he's like side-eyed, just like, ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha! Real dope delos for real. Okay. He still is dope. Cops, go get him I used to do this joke on stage where it was like

There's so many documentaries Or like, what do you call it Series, like docu-series Or like on fucking The ID channel and shit And some of them were just gang members where I was like, yeah, you know, I killed this motherfucker. I beat the shit out this motherfucker.

I killed him. I killed like four or five people. And it's like, oh, stop the documentary. Get him. Hey, cops, get him. Like, you know, how are these guys not arrested? Blocked?

Because they blurred out his face? Oh, cool. Hey, cops, interview the documentarian. Where did he go? Help him. You know? I mean, dude, that's fucking crazy. That's literally fucking insane.

I mean, some of these guys are... I mean, dude, how could you not fucking arrest these guys when some of these guys are I mean dude these guys are on camera talking about how they're it's insecure a lot of you guys are I you, I talk about bitch and how shit is so bitch and how this one guy keeps on coming up with the fucking heat. He keeps tweeting me the fucking most bitch shit. How bitch is it to chase after a bouncing ball? How bitch is it to get into the fucking backseat of a two-door car?

So bitch. Some of you guys are like, how bitch is it to have a coloring book? Nope. I can't help you guys. I'm trying, but I can't help you. Some of you guys are not on that wavelength, dude. Hey, sauce with me. This cult is growing, dude. this cult is growing, dude. Period. People come up to me, they tell me they're a baby.

I love it. I'm a true baby. I love it. Occasionally, there's a guy, there are guys who come up to me like somebody did in Huntsville, Alabama that said, hey, remember when you asked on the podcast if you should have guests? And I said, yeah.

He said, I think you should. And then I get angry because he's giving me tips and I don't want tips from that guy and he's making it seem like the podcast would be better if it was less me. Now, do I not like that guy? No. Am I upset that he said that? Yes.

Does he know? No. Huh. Got off the plane the other day. Some guy goes like this. Hey, man, you look real tired. Huh. What are you doing oh I should have fucking said you're chunky you're fat I should have said that because he was some people just think that they

it's like that you don't know me motherfucker you don't know me one time this fucking bitch-ass actor this dude on fucking some shit he's been in some good things but mostly he's just some fucking bitch-ass actor he came up to me after my show and he was like hey man that one part was hilarious about um I was talking about Mexicans. And then he was like, but there's other. No, no. He was like, that one part about robots is hilarious, but you shouldn't do that stuff about Mexicans. It's not as good.

Do the stuff about robots. And I said, I'm going to do the stuff about Mexicans. And then I did a whole bit about Mexicans. And I fucking did it for Comedy Central. And I never did the robot stuff. Hey, you bitch ass motherfucker. Dude, who do you think you're dealing with? Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? and did it for Comedy Central, and I never did the robot stuff. Hey, you bitch-ass motherfucker. Dude, who do you think you're dealing with?

Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with? Real dope delos for real. You can't, you fucking bitch-ass. I don't want to tell you who it was. It was an actor that's in a lot of stuff. But like, don't... That's who... That's the guy.

He was Nas and I was Tupac in that situation. But that shit, I was like, nah, I'm going to do the other stuff. I probably got a robot bit too, but like, you know, I mean, I just wanted to fucking stick it to him. Don't come to me with that bullshit, man. I fucking talk about what I want to talk about. There's no suggestion box in comedy. I'm not fucking Walmart comic kid. Um, how funny is that though? That, that kid, that wall, that yodel boy is going to be 45 one day and the peak of his career is going to be the yodel boy shit at Walmart.

And he's just going to be like some fucking probably weird looking guy because everyone ends up being weird looking. Um, and that's it. Yo, shut up, shut up. Doggies.

Come here, butters. Sam, come here. Um, I don't know. hey hey shut the fuck up don't park uh yeah but this cult is growing man i'm trying here i don't know what else i have to talk about oh i guess we could uh you know what I'm sick of? Here's something I want to stop having to see.

Basketball players walking to the locker room. If you watch basketball and you love basketball – now, fine. I don't love basketball. I don't love watching basketball. I don't love playing it. I don't care about it. I love basketball. I don't love watching basketball.

Don't love playing it. I don't care about it. But if, but this shit, and I understand it's a marketing thing for these companies and for these, you know, but when I got to see James Harden walking down a hallway in an arena with some fucking fashion, like a blazer with a hoodie under it and some Gucci pants and flip flops and be like, oh, there he goes. It drives me nuts when I got to see what's the other guy, the fucking the main guy who rest book, what's the rest book? That guy. When I got to see that guy dressed like a fucking Chris Tucker in the Fifth Element. Walking to go to the locker room.

Hey, dude. What the fuck? And then other people. Or this guy. Who's he? Kevin Durant with a fucking like a beat up Sade shirt. And a fucking. And jeans with like polka dots on it.

Or LeBron in like a bright yellow hoodie with a puke green blazer over it and like a Russell Westbrook with some dressed like Clark fucking Kent if he was if he was in a gay club, like Clark fucking Kent if he was in a gay club, you know? Like, you're a basketball player. You can dress however you want. But the fact that they turned this into a thing, that when they're walking to the locker room, dude, these guys, you're idolizing the way these guys dress as they're walking on their way to put on a uniform.

Do you understand how fucking sheep that is? You're idolizing a basketball player who is an athlete. You're idolizing what he's wearing as he walks down a hallway to change into an outfit that 12 other guys are going to wear. Hey, get the fuck out of here. way to change into an outfit that 12 other guys are going to wear. Get the fuck out of here. Come on, dude. Oh, here's Russell Restbrook in his fucking green button-down short-sleeved shirt and pink tie and pants to match his tie and thin belt and fucking loafers and glasses that

don't have a prescription in it. Come on, dude. thin belt and fucking loafers and glasses that don't have a prescription in it hey come on dude it's just like dress how you wanna but don't like try too hard you know this coming from a guy who's wearing fucking teal tinted Gucci sunglasses while he's doing a pie, a podcast. Fine. But I'm not a basketball player. I guess I am just a comedian. Maybe I'm completely fucked. The fuck is that guy wearing on the right? Looks like a Thundercat. wearing on the right looks like a thundercat what on earth is that look look hold on this walk from the parking garage to the locker room was once just a walk now that underground march go go zoom in on fire now that underground march has turned into an nba runway as photographer photographers linger waiting to snap a shot of the league's best dress.

Like, what? This is basketball, dude. Dude, if I, I wish I liked basketball so I could hate this even more. So I could be like, it's not for the fucking, you fucking bitches who do this. This is about the sport, not fashion. Imagine having to get dressed to go get dressed. It's the appetizer of the outfit getting dressed to go get dressed that's the stupidest

fucking thing I ever heard you get dressed to go get dressed? to go play ball? see ya turn around why is your tall body facing my body turn your tall body around give me a stool i'm inside ya all right let's take some twitter questions huh you have any pulled up or no all right

fucking one higher where is your ideal log cabin located i'll tell you right now right next to a coffee shop right next to a coffee shop, right next to a coffee shop and a stage with a microphone. That's it. It doesn't really matter. I don't know. I always imagined it somewhere in Idaho or Montana, but I probably fucking hate those places. I've never been to either of those places,

but a tall, tall weeds and then a nice little fucking mode out area where we can just chill out. And then a log cabin with a step up and you walk in and there's all that. It's very comfortable in there though.'s not like uncomfortable like log cabins are you got like couches and shit and framed pictures of me and like you know lots of common lots of fucking and lots of great food what else hey chris you might have brought this up before, but what do you think?

Oh, I have talked about this. Yeah, definitely. Crutch. At Crutch. Hey, Chris, you might have thought about this before, but what do you think about that one person who always had cha-cha-cha when people are singing happy birthday? You know how I feel about that, dude. You got a good old favorite, happy birthday, and we figured it out. Don't change it, dude.

You don't add cha-cha-cha. Dude, I used to be... Yeah, I talked about this. I used to... There was a girl in my high school that would go, Oh, I actually can't even do it without cringing. She would go, cha-cha-cha. But she wouldn't...

She would do it... Oh, my God. Very few... This might have been the inception of my podcast when this happened, when I was fucking... However, I was in high school, and this chick who was, first of all, made so much sense.

She was in the drama. In drama. Now, I was in drama, too, but you know me. I wasn't like one of those motherfuckers. That was... One chick one time was like, I've been snapping at a character all day. Oh, really?

You're crazy. Are you a crazy person? Okay, cool. Catch you later. Are you a crazy person? One time she said fuck in the school play because she was yelling, and she was like, I'm so sorry. I don't know why I did that. I was just in the character.

See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. We'll catch you later. Every time she talked in See ya. See ya. We'll catch you later. Every time she talked in my head, I went, we'll catch you later. But this other girl would go, cha-cha-cha. Maybe you guys don't know what it is.

So this is what it is. It's happy birthday to you. And then another person, somebody, some asshole will go, cha-cha-cha. And then they go, happy birthday to you. Cha-cha-cha. Some fucking piece of shit will go, cha-cha-cha. And then I go, happy birthday to you. Cha-cha-cha. Some fucking piece of shit will go cha-cha-cha. Making the birthday song about them. Okay?

They're making it about them. This is someone else's birthday. It's not the person whose birthday it is. All eyes are on them anyway. But some piece of fake rubber shit will go cha-cha-cha after every fucking line. But this girl used to do it like she wasn't doing it. That, like it's one thing to be like cha-cha-cha. It's already cringe central. But she would go like cha-cha-cha.

I feel it in my chest when I even do it and I don't even want to do it, but it would be like happy birthday to you. And she'd be like cha-cha-cha like she wasn't doing it. Wow, it bothered me. That might have been the birth of this fucking podcast man and and and and the other like the girl who snapped in into the characters all day she would laugh she'd be like oh she's so funny for doing that no she's not she's doing what everyone else does that thinks they're different that really is just if you're real different shit in your pants during the birthday song.

Happy birthday to you. It's Lincoln. I made it about me, but at least it's different, dude. Don't fucking cha-cha-cha up a birthday. It's not your birthday. Do it on your birthday. On your birthday, you can do it. One time I saw a Russian family at a restaurant, and they were singing singing happy birthday I used to do this in my

act too it never really fit though and uh you know how the places are like happy birthday to you like it was a restaurant and the the family always joins in happy birthday to you by the second one right the Russian family sat there didn't say shit and as the fucking family was going you you don't realize if you if the family doesn't chime in you don't know the kid's name so it was just the waiters and waitresses singing and they were like happy birthday and nobody so they just they literally went happy birth happy birthday dear happy birthday to you and the russians just watched the cake and then fucking ate it. Now, I've never seen something more Russian than that. That is the most.

They should have just literally went, happy birthday, dear comrade. Happy birthday to you, you communist. Happy birthday, dear KGB member. Is that even them or is that Germany happy birthday to Vladimir probably cha-cha-cha da-da-da what was the fucking other name that I was just thinking of i don't remember anyway let's see another one uh i mean weird madu what's this what are your thoughts on a grown-ass oh nice dude that's what you deserve this guy This guy just sent me a gif

of a girl playing Jenga in a backyard and she undid the... What an idiot, dude. You gotta retweet that from the pot. From what? Yeah, Big Jenga. Oh, Big Jenga. Oh, Big Jenga, yeah. Yeah, that's some stupid shit. Big Jenga.

If you play Big Jenga... Yeah, I see it at the bar, right? Hey, Chris Leo, what are your thoughts on grown-ass cooters playing giant Jenga at the bar? Yeah, but I don't think it's cooter to play that, though. That's why I didn't say it. But I think it's just dumb. Like this girl, he sent the GIF. We've got to retweet it from the podcast account from the podcast account but this chick the jiff of it she took out the big jenga brick and she like posed

with it to the camera and as she did it the jenga fell over on her fucking girl face right on her fucking face come on dude oh she deserves it you deserve you deserve it, at what point are we going to stop feeling bad for people, you got hit in the face, you deserve it, you play big Jenga, first of all, all right, fine, you play big Jenga, fine, that's really not the end of the world, but you got to look, the things topple over, the whole name of the game is toppling it over, and she just looks over and it hits her in the fucking face. Dude, that's it. You deserve it.

Little Jenga's okay, I guess. But don't try to change the shit that already works. See, that's the thing. Oh, that's a good one. This guy's a good one. Zach Kiggins. At Zach... What is it? Kiggins? Thought what is it kiggins uh thoughts on people

that continue jogging in place when they're waiting in traffic i always fucking think about that when i see these people do it stop jogging for a second all right what is it a what who are you uh uh what's his name uh fuck no uh rich is it richard simmons sweating to the oldies what do you just stop for a second. It's actually better to stop because then your heart rate goes down and then you get it go back up again. You don't have to keep the heart rate going while you're jogging in place waiting for three seconds for the light to change.

Or you know what? How about this? Run the other way. And it's always a guy in a bullshit tank top with short shorts. Always a guy. And it's always a guy in a bullshit tank top with short shorts. Always a guy. Every time I see people jogging, they don't look that fit. Except in L.A. In L.A., dude, you'll have like he-men jogging down the street. On Sunset Boulevard.

If you jog down busy streets, wow. You're a hoe. You know? Dude. You're a hoe you know dude you're a hoe dude that's so funny to me that's a good one good good good good call zach kiggins it's a fucking weird evil villain name huh zach kiggins uh um all right i'm gonna go you guys did a great time we had a great time in this Zach Kiggins. All right. I'm going to go. You guys did a great time.

We had a great time in this. Congratulations, didn't we? Oh, I'm going to name an elder, though. That's what I'm going to do. And here's what I'm going to do. Because he's helped the podcast. And he did it without even really knowing. Now, I'm going to tweet out a link here for you guys afterwards. You know what fucking link I'm going to tweet out.

So one fire can be in truck in charge of it um i've been talking about him a lot on my podcast and he sent me emails and messages and shit about my podcast and i'm going to make him an elder i'm going to send him a pin and a certificate and it's my uncle vinny he's an elder. I'm going to send him a pin and a certificate. And it's my Uncle Vinny. He's an elder now of the Congratulations Podcast cult. And I know your address already. So we're going to just send you that. So congratulations, Uncle Vinny. You're an elder now. And I think I'm going to probably, I'm shooting myself in the foot with this. But however, you're invited to the log cabin and you're an elder. And you're the first family member that's an elder to be honest i i might have maybe gave matt one i'm not sure maybe matt's maybe matt's an elder but uh maybe that's an over my my own dad my own mom are an elder so uncle vinnie thanks for your

service on helping us with the congratulations podcast by all your your mean messages and emails your very legal emails. So, um, uh, we'll send that over to you. And then also, uh, I think,

Oh, also he has a, he made a website. My cousin made a website, which we'll tweet out from my thing, which is, uh, the,

you can't actually buy this stuff. I don't believe, but it's uncle Vinnie. What is it? I'm going to look it up. He's a fucking insane person, I swear to God. You guys are going to howl, though. You got to check this out.

Richard. He sent it to me. Oh, man. Theunclevinnystore.com. V-I-N-N-Y-y store now none of this stuff is actually for sale I don't think click on that click on that no right no my cousin

Evan made this I believe you gotta buy two he sells two wallet clips from all the shit he sells underberg you gotta look at the the the actual site, though. It's pretty funny.

Must buy two of all of them. All right. So that's what's up. So he's an elder now. We're going to send it to you. What's it say? Evan's Instagram is down on the bottom. All right.

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Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations! Congratulations, motherfucking Bob, you bitch! Congratulations, motherfucking Bob, you bitch. Motherfucker, I am the motherfucking proudest motherfucker.