Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 66. Whoopity Scoop Whoop Poop

Episode Date: April 30, 2018

It's the 66th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about Kanye West. Also discussed: getting a tattoo, this girl with a controversial prom dress, political people getting offended, the microfiche, Jodie Foster, Elvis, R. Kelly, Bill Cosby, TMFUIPOTW & Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Rum 40% alcohol by volume. This episode of Congratulations is brought to you by the Cash App. Do you want to get paid $5 and also give $5 to charity? Do you want to buy and sell Bitcoin instantly or get your paycheck deposited directly into the app? Well, all us babies use the Cash App, which is why it's the number one finance app at the App Store. So download the free Cash App

for iOS or Android now. This episode of Congratulations is also brought to you by Blue Apron. Now through May 21st, Blue Apron. Now through May 21st, Blue Apron is teaming with Airbnb to bring you the best home cooking from around the world. Each week,

our menu will feature a recipe developed in collaboration with an Airbnb experiences host like Cece, a chef from Shanghai who makes incredible Kung Pao chicken, a beloved sticky saucy mix of crispy browned chicken and vegetables. So check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash congrats. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Hey guys, episode 66 of Congratulations. And how about that? The new song that we got going by Mr. Green,

who every now and then puts a little remix on the Congratulations song. And this is a more chilled chilled laid back kind of fucking this is a song where you'd hear you'd be like vibes or you'd be like mood you know you'd be like mood and fucking take a picture and upload a plate of lasagna on your fucking instagram mood i fucking hate mood mood picture of nicholas cage and face off mood um so episode 66 and what the fuck is it one fire always by the way writes on the on the ad on the first ad where i'll do uh the copy on the copy it'll have blue apron like today with blue apron and also square or uh the cash app he'll write he'll write that i have to say we'll talk about this more later on in the show you know i'll just do it i don't have to say hey i'll prep you guys hey guys

get ready i'm really gonna start talking about the cash app later on hey um also he said before we started recording this is super one fire you know i feel good about today oh dude fucking his whole family's gonna die in a plane crash you know anyway um yeah he's just being a chick all around huh um i um so yeah uh i it's episode 66 i was in denver and i was in boise and that's how you're supposed to say it boise i didn't know that people say boise why it's episode 66. I was in Denver and I was in Boise. And that's how you're supposed to say it, Boise. I didn't know that. People say Boise.

Why do people say Boise from out of town? It's weird. But you get there and people say Boise and they really rub it in your face. They're like, Boise? Boise? I played the Egyptian theater there. I did two shows.

And then I did the Paramount in Denver and I did two shows there. A lot of people came out. They were sold out thank you for that all the shows uh went clean as they call it in the biz you're gonna go clean this weekend they say it's a cock to say that but that's the truth um and uh i had i had uh good shows they were fun i i enjoy going to cities that i know about let me tell you something about boise is that uh they got they got a good city they got a good city uh and i had no idea you think of boise like why the fuck would i ever go to idaho this place is cool it was kind of like it it had the uh I mean not so much like I love Portland, but it had that kind of like I say this and it's so annoying.

Even I would be annoyed with how much I say this about cities that are like up and coming. But it has a pulse to it. And if somebody else was saying this about a city as much as I say it, I'd fucking write them off. I'd be like, dude, you got to stop saying that the city has a fucking pulse to it. But it does, dude. It has a real pulse to it. That's what you say about up and coming cities. And I don't know where I got that from.

I think it's from my agent. It's not some shit my agent would say. There's a real pulse to your business. There's a real pulse to your business. I think he said that before. Anyway, I got a tattoo. That's what's up in my life. It's on my hand.

It's my first tattoo. And I've been thinking about it a lot. I got it done by Dr. Wu. He's a great tattoo artist. And I wanted to get it for a while. And I just always thought, you know what? I don't want to get tattoos because I'm going to have to cover it up when i do and i don't want to go extra early to makeup but fuck it if i'm doing if i'm doing a project they want the tattoo gone i'll go early to makeup and and i'll

scrub it off or whatever the fuck they do um but uh i wanted to do it and now i put a posted a few pictures on snapchat with uh my tattoo on it and not not really just showing the tattoo but showing me and my tattoos in it and people 700 million people are like did you get a tattoo hey the fuck do you think it is a sailor hat it's a tattoo i guess people might think some people are like that's not real like i'm pranking people i'm not really a prankster man the only prank i ever did was wear the same clothes as my opener um because that was too good to pass up. But I did that and I wanted to get people who are like, I told one person I was doing it, two people, I think. And they were like, don't do it.

No. One guy was like, don't do it because I was going to get it on my hand. I got it on my hand. And he was like, don't do it. It's not good. Dude, that's the worst place to do it first. And I'm like, you know what? I shouldn't have told anybody.

And I went in and fucking daddy got it done and I did it. And fuck that, man. I don't like when people get tattoos. Here's the thing. If you're going to get a tattoo, get a tattoo so people can see it. Girls get a tattoo near their pussy and shit. And guys get it under their fucking armpit, like in their rib cage. Be like, well, you know, I can still wear a shirt.

And the fuck are you doing it for? Yeah, I got this one for me. Oh me oh really you got a tattoo for you that's like getting a painting and hanging it on the fucking in the closet behind the coats you got a painting put it up in your fucking house i got a tattoo i put it on my hand because i want people to see it even if i'm wearing a parka that's what's up and i'm not saying like go get a face tattoo like lil xan but you're gonna get a tattoo make motherfuckers see the shit get the strap get the strap i got that stuck in my head because 50 cent no matter what he posts on instagram he hashtags get the strap it's so fucking ridiculous hey 50 you're 50 get the strap he'll fucking post a picture of like a new lamborghini get the strap what is that is that daz what does that go back what the fuck

is going on bro daz told the Crips to fuck Kanye up. Crips versus Kardashians. And then he writes, get this strap. Dude. Whoop-de-dee-poop-poop-scoop. Whoop-de-dee-poop-dee-scoop-dee. Whoop-de-dee-poop-poop-scoop-dee. How about Kanye's new song?

Did you hear that new song? Let me tell you right now. Kanye is fucking insane, insane okay we all know that I have a feeling he's off his meds okay you know no joke I feel like that's what it is whatever say what you want obviously he's got some difference in opinions to a lot of the other people who are in hollywood he supports donald trump that's fucking insane because donald trump is definitely racist okay even though he says he's the most not racist person in the world which is really weird because he says lots of racist things now i'm not fucking conservative or liberal or i'm both whatever you want to fucking call it because some of these fucking you know whatever i don't want to get

into it but kanye west made a song now that beat is fire dude it's fucking fire that beat is awesome. Lift yourself. KanyeWest.com. It's good. Didn't do the first verse. Thought, oh, that's cool. He's just playing a little bit of the song, you know, and that's it. This is the beginning of the song. Okay. Sounds very Kanye. Okay. A lot of rappers do the old time singing. And then they'll cut it up a little bit. Right here. Right here.

And then up. We're looping it. Okay. It's a hip hop song. Sounds good. And then up the beat comes in. Pretty cool. Well, when's Kanye going to start rapping?

Well, this is just a tease. Okay, so he's Kanye going to start rapping? Well, this is just a tease. Okay, so he's not going to start rapping. So I'm listening. Okay, this would be where the verse comes in. And I'm like, all right, cool. I get it. I really like the beat. Say what you want about Kanye and his fucking mental state.

But this beat is fire. Oh, and then there's a little bit of a bridge. Very nice. Cool, Kanye. Keeping it real chill. And he's just going with the flow, seeming like what he's going to... You know what I mean? And then there comes in the... A little bit of a...

If he got bored with the beat, they got this little thing kicking in here. And then it changes a little bit. That's very Kanye, too. Changing the song in the middle of the song. It's like, yo, I thought I was going to have a rap song this way. Fuck that. We're doing a different rap song now.

This is the new song. Very cool. Now, all this time I'm wondering, what the fuck kind of lyrics is he going to do? And then the beat kind of dips out a little bit. And this is where you're on Molly and you're just kind of dancing and you're just like, fuck yeah, dude. And you're touching people. And then this,

and now they're looping it even quicker. And then the lady's just singing. And you're off. And you're just really feeling the Molly. Okay, okay, oh, he's going to sing here. Oh, so that, so he didn't do the first verse. So now here comes the next verse.

And... And... And lost his fucking mind. Okay. Okay, I said poop twice dude that's it okay now let me tell you something dude it's skyrocketed to my favorite rapper don't get say what you want that shit was the most fire i heard in a long fucking time dude he goes poop poop in the middle of a song he says poop poop that shit is so fucking you know what he did he shitted on you that's what he did whoop t-titty-scoop-toop-poop. Poop-titty-scoop-titty-woop. Dude, do you understand how fucking next level that shit is?

The guy goes like this. You know what? Rap's crazy. Rap's got, you got these fucking 6ix9ine Tekashi guys. You got these, the other guy, Lil Pump with the fucking, you know, just everybody with his hair all different colors. Guy's got tattoos on his face and 4469 tattoos all over his body and kanye just comes in and goes whoopty poopty scoop and everybody stops talking about every other rapper and starts talking about kanye west that shit is as close to genius when it comes to the fucking music industry. That's it.

That's it. That's it. I hate all the other rappers now. I love Kanye West for that. That shit is unbelievable. He literally was like, I can't go any further. I'm just going to start going. Roop did he scoop that he poop like he's fucking like it's a children's show.

I hope those are the actual lyrics that come i hope that's not a placeholder dude how did the people in the the studio were probably like all right oh shit yo con Kanye rapping about poop now he done fucking lost his mind he in his MAGA hat he rapping about poop the other guy yo for real yup the guy who just brought the bagels you know yo for real he just rapped about poop

hell yeah nah hell yeah he did you wanna hear it nah man he ain'ted about poop? Hell yeah. Nah. Hell yeah, he did. You want to hear it? Nah, man. He ain't rapped about poop. He rapped about like being jealous or something with emotions. No. Play it. Poop-diddy-poop-poop-scoop. Poop-poop. Yo, man. I'm going to just drop these baggers off and leave. He's so good at getting people to talk about him man he puts out shoes that he knows are fucking ugly and we scoop them up i buy them because there's a way to be fucking so it's i always talk i think about this all the time it's a circle like what's cool if you're looking at the video podcast what's cool is up here and then what's far away from cool the furthest away from cool it's not like a line

what's furthest away from cool is back up at the top it's the circle so it's that close to cool that's how i believe everything is you know i mean when you get to you talk about these with everything with these these uh conservatives that are so conservative and they hate gays and blacks and shit like that and they think it's all about white fucking male patriarchy and then they and then it gets furthest away from it and then you got these fucking liberal liberal cry babies that are talking about don't wear my fucking my culture is not your prom dress. And then these people, they're both fucking up the world just as much as each other. You got fucking Mike Huckabee saying, oh, my show is going to offend people, not for the crybabies.

You better buy a pony and eat a popsicle. And then up here he's like, oh, the White House Correspondents Dinner is fucked up. And I can't believe they promoted bullying and shit like that. Hey, man, pick one. You're at the fucking top of the circle, you piece of shit, pussy ass motherfucker. Mike Huckabee, you're a pussy ass motherfucker. Whoop-diddy-scoop-doop-poop. That's exactly what the fuck you are dude poop poop

that's fucking mike huckabee right there straight up you're all kanye west motherfucker whoop did he scoop do poop that fucking matt schlapp or whatever the fuck his name is is that his name whoop whoop did he poop poop scoop that's matt schlapp right there as he's leaving the fucking white house dinner that's him oh you can't be offended oh or oh i'm offended fuck this the guy's got a picture of himself with a fucking hillary dummy with a fucking convict prison garb on whoop whoop did he poop poop scoop that's fucking matt schlapp all day long. You fucking pussy ass bitch. Matt Schlapp, you're a pussy ass bitch. Chris D'Elia said it. Mike Huckabee, you're a pussy ass bitch. Oh yeah, don't listen to my show for the easily offended.

Get on a podium, eat a popsicle. And then, no, this White House Correspondents' Dinner is not okay. They promoted bullying. Motherfucking whoop-diddy-poop-poop-scoop. You're a pussy-ass bitch. Who's that fucking guy who got mad at the cultural appropriation

about your prom dress is not my fucking, your prom dress is not my culture. Go back in his tweets. He goes like this. Frosted flakes, N-word, damn. Whoop-diddy-poop-dee-dee poop poop scoop you're at the top of the circle motherfucker you don't even know what side you're on you're fucking up you might as well have you might as well have tweeted trump 2020 it's the same fucking thing, dude.

Whoop-de-dee-scoop-poop-poop. Kanye West is smarter than all of you motherfuckers. Don't be mad at him. Yeah, I think he's off his meds, and he definitely is probably in a lot of pain. But don't talk about how he's dumb. Fuck that, dude. He's got a saddle on his horse and you motherfuckers are watching him drive by.

Walking. God damn, dude. What is this world coming to, you know? And I know everybody says this and whatever, but you know what? It's going to be fine. I guess. I don't know. I don't know.

It's like, it's unbelievable. Every day, every fucking day you wake up, it's a new crazy thing. How about the, I mean, every day. And you know what? Props to this girl who's the girl who's that girl that but the people are outrageous tween this teen tween this teen wore a traditional chinese dress to prom and then she wrote you know what fuck you i wrote it because i i wore it because i think it's beautiful and i love the culture she writes to everyone causing so much negativity i mean no disrespect to the chinese culture i'm simply showing my appreciation to their culture i'm not deleting my post because i've done

nothing but show my love for the culture it's a fucking dress and it's beautiful good for you good for you good for you dude whoop whoop scoop to everyone who says i'm ignorant i fully understand everyone's concern and views on my dress. I mean no harm. I am in no way being discriminative or racist. I'm tired of all the backlash and hate when my only intent was to show my love. I don't understand everyone's need or desire to cause so much hate. I simply am showing my love for a beautiful culture, and there is nothing wrong with that. Keep talking shit.

I don't care. I have much respect for the Chinese culture. And then this guy, Jeremy Lam. Jeremy Lam. My culture is not your goddamn prom dress. And then he writes fucking frosted flakes, N-word, damn. And then he says something about white demons in his fucking, shut the fuck up, dude.

Be the way you're going to be. Don't tweet about how you think you should be. Be who you are, dude. Fucking fake-ass woke shit. Don't tweet about how you think you should be. Be who you are, dude. Fucking fake-ass woke shit. So annoying, dude. You know what, dude? Everyone's the worst.

That's what it is. Once something gets big enough? Everyone's the worst. That's what it is. Once something gets big enough, everyone's the worst. I look at the fucking congratulations Facebook page and they're all using my jargon and the way I'm talking. They're using it all wrong. They're literally like taking the humor all out of it. They're taking the humor out of this podcast and they're talking shit to each other. Like, fuck you, ban this person, this and that. Dude, everyone's the worst. That's just how it is.

Everyone's the worst. If you get enough people in a certain area, everyone's the worst. Like they say in Men in Black black a person is smart people are idiots that's there's nothing we can do dude there's nothing we can do we're we're we're doomed and and and you know what we're not doomed we're doomed in the way uh look we can here's the thing here's the thing about humans we can do good we can, here's the thing. Here's the thing about humans. We can do good. We can do the right thing. Doing the wrong thing is way fucking easier because you don't have to care. You don't have to give a shit about others' feelings.

If you want somebody's money and they leave it on the fucking table and they walk over somewhere else to go, it's easy to just take that money. That's going to make your life easier. Doing the right thing is harder. You see the money and you think, Oh, I could use that money, but that's not mine. That's theirs.

Even though I need it, that's theirs. And I'll make money the right way that you got to go get a job. That's the hard way to do shit. Doing the right thing is the hard way is the, is the hard thing, but animals, they don't have that option.

Dogs just, you ever see a dog eat fucking dog food and then another dog come around and they push the fucking other dog away and they're like, yeah, that's mine, motherfucker.

Give me that food. Get the fuck out of here, you bitch. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? They're that fucking, they're that white guy with tribal tattoos and a flat-brained hat

that has the fucking raised-up truck that's like, yo, this is my parking spot. And you're like, um, you're taking up two. And he's like, I don't give a fuck and he's got a tap-out shirt and a flat brain hat that has the fucking raised up truck that's like yo this is my parking spot and you're like um you're taking up two and he's like i don't give a fuck and he's got a tap out shirt and a goatee like a fucking you know what i mean he looks like he ate sugar ray he looks like sugar ray put the mask on and he's like smoking that's what that's that's the easy thing to do dude the hard thing to do is to be a good person but we can do that because we're human

but you you know people don't do that because it's easier uh and to that i say fucking whoop who whoop, poop, poop, whoop-titty, scoop, poop, poop, everyone is so in trouble because of what the fuck they're saying and not who they are, and that's fucked, that's a fucking soundbite, everyone is so in trouble because of what they're saying, not who they are. I don't know, man. I didn't mean to get so fucking real and shit, but sometimes you got to get real on the babies, man. Sometimes you got to get real on everyone,

not just the babies. You just got to let the fucking, you know? How about, you know what I did? I did the, dude, I've been taking flights lately all the time, obviously, cause I'm on the follow the leader tour. And, uh, when you have to wake, what's the worst time of the day, hands down, worst time of the day, hands down. When you wake up 10 minutes before your alarm goes off i'm not the only person to fucking say this obviously everybody thinks this but dude when you wake up and you have 10 minutes till your alarm and you know you can't fall asleep

you know what that's purgatory right there that's my that's beyond that that's purgatory right there. That's my, that's beyond that. That's my hell is, is being in that 10 minutes forever, waking up, knowing that you have 10 minutes until your alarm goes off. And then you got to start getting ready. And you're like, oh shit, I can't go to sleep again, but I'm going to try. I'm just going to basically lay here and be awake and be anxious for 10 minutes. That the whole time of your life is that's hell that for eternity is hell those 10 minutes that's the fucking worst part of the day hands i'd rather be in traffic i'd rather fucking this is it makes me a hundred times more anxious than if I put on a cool outfit and I go out and I know I'm going to like be around ladies and stuff. And, and, and I, I'm in the car drinking coffee

on my way out and I'm too far. And I spill coffee a little bit on my outfit and it's, I'm too late and too far from home to go back and change. And I know I'm going to have this big fucking messy coffee stain all night. I'm a hundred times more anxious than that in that 10 minutes ah fuck i got this you know i got this coffee stain all night and i'm like gonna be insecure about it talking to some fucking yeah yeah cool and and some girls like who are you and i'm like oh no i'm just a i don't know all good you have a coffee no i know i know that i know is that a real tattoo of course it is because why the fuck anyway yeah why the fuck would i have a fake one anyway it's not henna because it's not 1994, but it's not tan, it's dark. Anyway, catch you later.

Cool, don't drink any coffee on the way home, huh? For fuck's sake. Blue Apron. blue apron blue apron delivers fresh pre-portioned ingredients and step-by-step recipe recipes right to your door that can be cooked in under 25 minutes the menu changes every week based on what's in season and is designed by blue aprons in-house culinary team uh 12 new recipes a week pick two three four recipes based on what fits your uh your schedule uh non-gmo ingredients only and meat with no added hormones uh i love blue blue apron and the food's really good i've actually never had a bad meal even the stuff that i didn't think i would like that they send where i'm like

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important issue to us download the free cash app for iOS or Android now Anyway Whoop-titty-scoop I don't know We're back in it, babies We're back in it I didn't know how much a tattoo hurts when you when you get your uh on the tip of the hand right there that that shit hurts it's right next to the bone

a lot of feeling receptors there or whatever they call it there were two uh moments where i had to breathe uh by the way wait look at this it's on, was this Rap Genius or something? They have the lyrics of Kanye's, Kanye's, whoop, it goes, poopy de scoop, scoop de de whoop, whoop de scoop de poop, poop de scoop de, scoop de whoop, whoop de de scoop whoop. I mean, dude, just to have people write this out is amazing. Anyway, yeah, it hurts on the hand a little bit. And I didn't know that that was going to hurt that much. But it's all good. But you know how much a tattoo hurts for those of you who don't have a tattoo?

It hurts exactly as much as you think it would hurt. That's how much it hurts. Exactly as much. It's a needle just popping into your skin. That's how much it hurts. You know how much it hurts. When it happened on the hand, I was like, oh, okay yeah though that makes sense and i heard a little bit more i didn't know i was gonna hurt that a little bit more on the upper hand but yeah that's what's up um um anyway i don't know what I have coming up here. I'm chilling.

You get a yawn, dude. Daddy has to be fucking full on disrespectful. You know what? Being disrespectful in this podcast for you guys, that's being the most respectful because I'm giving you a taste of me. And now that sounds like a fucking Keith Sweat song, giving you a taste of me. But, you know, I'm giving you a taste of me but you know I'm giving you a taste I yawn in your fucking face

because one time I was in one time I was in high school yeah it was high school and we went to I don't even know I have all these memories of like other classrooms that I've been in

in like high school that like when they're like we're going to the library and we're going to learn about this today. I went to the library and the librarian was talking about fucking microfiche. Do they even still use that? Probably not because of the internet, right? Microfiche was like this thing that was like x-rays of the newspaper. And you see it in movies like with like sam jackson or something we're like we gotta go check the goddamn microfiche and then we'll go they'll go into the library it's a movie that takes place in like 80 in 80 or something and you go and you check the microwave

and there's that scroll they'll scroll the newspaper you know you know who's in the most microfiche movies jodie foster she's in the most movies about microfiche dude and she'll be at a computer and she'll be like all you gotta do by the way jodie foster you don't realize this but sounds 100 like elvis i was so scared i was scared that's how she sounds in the fucking Silence of the Land. I was scared. I was shaking like a leaf. I'm Jodie Foster. And so she's in the movies for sure that have microfiche all up and down.

She'll be like, as a matter of fact, she's never done a movie. She's like, can we get a scene with microfiche in it please and they'll be like elvis no it's jody foster if if you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again message c5 i i swear to god that's for the fucking older babies. That's so stupid, dude. Why the fuck do we care what message it is? Keep it to yourself, you fucking phone company. So what the fuck is it talking about? Oh, yeah.

So microfiche, we were learning about microfiche. And it was that thing. It was like a big fucking computer-looking thing. And you'd have to like put a thing, a chip in. And then you'd get to look at newspapers from like 1920. And every time you moved the paper, every time you turned the page, it would be like. And it would show a new page. And in movies, every time it would like zoom in on somebody's face like fucking or like it would like cut closer and closer to somebody's face and they'd be like that's the guy who knows the killer we

got to talk to him and then they go and fucking they'd have to go talk to him and it'd be vincent d'onofrio and uh and uh and and and so judy foster's like it has to have microfiche in it And so Jodie Foster's like, it has to have microfiche in it. Elvis? No, it's Jodie Foster. And so, I mean, the shit that they had to do. You don't know what microfiche is, but right now, Juanfire's looking up how to use microfilm and microfiche on the computer or on YouTube. Oh, you have YouTube Red?

That's pretty cool., you have YouTube Red? That's pretty cool. And who has YouTube Red? Nine-year-olds. And so Microfiche, what they would do is... Yeah, yeah, yeah, you should. We beeped it out um and um i can't believe i just said one fire's name dude thank god it's not live right um wow if it was live i would have fucked it all up what was i saying though microfiche so

microfiche so we went so i had i had this memory of going into uh the library with with with uh with uh microfiche and um you know going to library with this guy with the librarian who was like this really bigger like guy with a blue uh button up shirt on no button down it was like it went what they call like a polo and he was an older guy and he was talking about microfiche and And every time he would say microfiche, he'd say microfith. And it's C-H-E, not anything but C-H-E. And it was his job to tell us about the microfiche, and he'd say microfith. Okay? He said microfith.

Okay. Hey, man, say it right. If this is your job, it would be like if I called it fucking conmody instead of comedy. Say it right. It's your job. so he's a fucking leipsbrarian and so uh so he did and i was in the i remember i was in the class and i yawned and you know maybe i went like oh and he goes like this okay now what i'm gonna have to ask you to do is go to the back of the class and I was like what because he yawned and that's very disrespectful and I was like oh really and and he was like yeah and so I went to the so I had to go to the back of the fucking library and listen I was like this

is hey bro you do me a fucking favor a favor I said favor because he said microfiche you do me a fucking favor dude I don't want to listen to your fucking bullshit oh dude imagine being 15 learning about microfiche is there anything more fucking boring poke my eye at fuck my mouth at least it's exciting don't want it to happen at least it's something i gotta deal with but dude so and then i remember like fuck that i didn't feel like i was wrong and then i went home and i told my mommy about it and i was mom, he fucking put me in the back for yawning. And she said, well, did you yawn? And I was like, yeah.

And she's like, well, then you kind of deserve it. And I was like, what the fuck? My mom was not on my side, dude. I thought she was going to be on my side. Like the time when I came home from basketball practice and my balls hurt so bad. And I went to the hospital and my balls torsioned. And then they fucking torsioned back on their own. My balls twisted

around once when I was in high school. Hurt so bad I couldn't even believe it. Hurt so bad I couldn't even believe it. And anyway, yeah, so I got in trouble. Got in trouble a little bit when I was in high school, but it's all good, at least I know what fucking microfiche is, huh, my dad or my mom don't like my tattoo,

they don't like it, I showed it to them, and they're like, what the fuck's that, and I was like, what, what, dad, and he said, you didn't really get that, that's not real, right, and I said, yeah, and he said, no, that's not a real tattoo, and I said, yeah, my mom goes, get that that's not real right and i said yeah he said no that's not a real tattoo and i said yeah my mom goes and i was like what she's like and it looks dirty i was like what do you mean it's fucking fine it's cool it's fire she was like okay and then she goes like this put these pillows on your bench dude my mom comes over every time she fucking comes over she brings a box with a bunch of fucking shit i don't want from her house that she doesn't want put this in your living room what put it in there why

it looks good next to that thing and i'm like no i don't want it it's like a fucking she's like here put this on your coffee table you can put your remote controls in it and i'm like i'll put my remote control on the fucking coffee table. Now, have it on the thing and put it in. And then I put it, and now I got something holding my remote controls. So that's like, you know? Now I got, what what you bring over a remote control holder two uh boxes like little things that you'd keep like i don't know anything in napkins or jewelry and they're like stained glass one of them has a dragon on it like i'm a fucking like i'm some asian guy and it's brown

and it has a dragon on i'm like i don't want this fucking thing and but and she's like you remember it though and i was like yeah i do actually i remember this in new jersey we had this and we had it on the fucking tv uh we had it in the tv room and she was like yeah we've had it for years anyway you have it now and i'm like i don't want it and then she gave me another one that was like white with like a palm tree on it or it was like a little bit of an Art Deco thing. I was like, well, I like this one. I'll take this one. And she was like, see, if you don't want to keep it, just throw it away.

And I was like, why don't you just fucking throw it away? Dude, you know how many fucking bedsheets she's given me because she moved? I have so many fucking bedsheets in my house. It's like I'm actually starting a cult. And I'm getting, fuck that. I'm mad I said that. I am actually starting a cult. Fuck you, Chris. Fuck you for saying that. actually starting a cult and I'm getting – fuck that. I'm mad I said that. I am actually starting a cult. Fuck you, Chris.

Fuck you for saying that. This is a cult. Whatever. We make mistakes, babies. That's how it goes. But anyway, I've got the betting for everybody when we do go to the log cabin. So yeah. And she brought over other shit.

And I say, Dad, why is she bringing this shit over and he's like i don't know and i was like well i don't want it he's like i don't want it either just fucking take it my dad said i'm gonna get a tattoo of water so i can put out your tattoo your fire tattoo how fucking dad is that my mom brought over picture pictures dude my mom tries to pawn stuff all out off on me it's funny. She was like, here, look. I had this at the house. I don't want it anymore. And it's a painting of two Yorkies.

Gives me a fucking, because I have Yorkies, gives me a fucking painting of two dogs that are straight up not Yorkies. They're not Yorkies. They're Scotties. Is that a dog? They're Scotties. She's like, look, here, they're Yorkies. And I'm like a dog they're scotties she's like look here they're yorkies and i'm like ma i don't want that but i feel bad and then finally i was like those aren't even yorkies and she's like no they're not are they ah don't try to pawn off your fucking junk on me it's not the style of my house i want my style of my house to be fucking cool how bitch is that i

want my style of my house to be cool and my mom keeps bringing stuff over that's not my style of my house to be fucking cool. How bitch is that? I want my style of my house to be cool. And my mom keeps bringing stuff over. That's not the style of my house. It's a bitch. That's the, honestly, I swear to God, that's what Mike Huckabee is like. Mom, you keep bringing stuff over. That's not the style of my house. That's what Mike Huckabee does.

Mike Huckabee, when he gets mad, pumps his fist like this in unison. Fucking bitch ass motherfucker. What's the R. Kelly thing? Pull that up. Hey, R. Kelly pisses on 14 year olds. Lock him up. Hey,

R. Kelly pisses on 14 year old girls. Lock him up. Lock him up. Oh, Time's up is going after him oh wow cool well that took that took so long by the way r kelly been pissing on motherfuckers r kelly r kelly has been pissing on mother 14 year old so long the fucking oldest person he's pissed on is like 42 at this point. Look at this to our fellow women of color for time from times up together. We call on corporations and venues with ties to R. Kelly to join us and insist on safety and dignity for women of all times because he pissed on some of us. Man, it's crazy how much of a movement that that's become.

And now it's like a legitimate organization. That's pretty wild. I mean, that's good. We join the call to mute R. Kelly and insist. Oh, this is Shonda Rhimes. Wow. Wow. Yeah.

It's fucking... Oh, that's cool. legend did it because he's a he's an r&b singer wow yeah i mean what a fucking piece dude that this guy is what a piece well i mean look at that they put a hashtag mute R. Kelly over the illest picture of R. Kelly look at that what is that the root

what's the root that's funny why'd they make him look like a badass an open letter by the women and he's like fucking

by the way you know what there's probably not a picture of R. Kelly that isn't the most badass picture of all time you know what? R. Kelly, every picture he took,

looks like right before he took the picture, he said, you got one motherfucking chance. Take that goddamn picture. Except he went like this. This is how he did it. You got one motherfucking chance. Take that goddamn picture. And then he goes,

and then he goes,'m leaving and walks backwards out of the door and and with this with this and and he's like gotta go piss on some bitches i mean dude the that's the dave chapelle's dude he's been pissing on girls for fucking 20 years i swear to god i've made 42 years old as a joke that's real did dave chapelle on the the chappelle show made fun of this shit it's incredible that's what we say at congratulations it's incredible how could you do what is this this, this is what I had, testicular, one of the far is looking up,

testicular torsion, I mean, you know, eh, testicular torsion, testicular torsion, um, anyway,

what is that, do you hear that okay all right um uh sorry guys um all right what else are we going to talk about here we have questions or what do we have questions Do we have questions or what? Do we have questions? I hear feedback in this shit.

I hope it's okay. I hear feedback. It's like, not crazy, but whatever. Sorry, babies. You're with me, though. You're with me till the end. What was that thing? Did you say something?

Somebody went to go see Brendan or tried to go see Brian Callen or something? By mistake? What is this? I think... Oh, that's funny. Oh, Brendan Schaub went to go see... What's this? So I was in Denver the night that Brian Callen was in Denver. And Brian Callen was playing in the comedy club. And if you go on my Instagram or his Instagram,

I was, I sent him a picture. Um, I sent him a picture of, or a video of, I texted him a video of me fucking around saying like, Hey, you don't,

you know, I'll send some people over from my show to go look at yours. Cause they're overflowing and shit. And, uh, and he, he, cause he was playing like a 350 seater and i was playing like an 1800 seater and i was doing two of them and like a dick i was fucking saying like oh you're there for one i mean he was there for the weekend he sold a lot of tickets and he sold out i'm sure but um you know guys my best friend

but he but i was and he put it on instagram and he was like blasting me for saying it to him and shit. And it was fun. And that's it. That's the story. And it was fun. That's the way I end my story. Fuck it. You know what the worst way to end?

You know what so many people do when they end a story? I learned this fucking guy in high school named Miles. If you don't have a guy in high school that you knew named miles then were you really in fucking high school so he would end every story like this yeah it was crazy i was like uh like that the worst story ever yeah it was crazy i was like uh no no i'll do the reaction you don't give me my reaction yeah my mom fucking walked in with the laundry fell everywhere and everyone was laughing at her i was crazy i was like uh you can fucking end any story with that i was crazy it was like it was crazy i was like uh every story yeah i fucking fell down the stairs really yeah it was

crazy i was like uh i saw infinity war really yeah was crazy. I was like, got raped. Really? Yeah, it was crazy. I was like, imagine somebody said that. I got raped. Really? Yeah, it was crazy.

I was like, I tweeted something about Infinity War the other day and I was like, hey, is Infinity War going to make sense to me because I didn't see the first 3,097,467 Marvel movies or whatever, and some fucking piece of shit was like, that joke was funnier when Stephen Colbert made it, and I looked and Stephen Colbert made a similar joke.

It's like, you know, oh, thanks, Batman. Thanks, fucking, thanks, man. Are you in the Infinity War? Because you're saving the world. Thanks for saving the world one corrected tweet at a time. Hey, see ya. I don't know who it was. The guy was verified.

He had like 400 followers. Like, the fuck out of here. I got to read everybody's tweet before I fucking tweet my shit. Twitter is for dumb shit, motherfucker. It's not for changing the world. I hate... That's why these

people piss me off, these woke-ass motherfuckers. Your prom dress is not my... Oh, really? She made it that way, didn't she? She... You know? Twitter's for the dumb shit. You want to change the world?

Go into politics and get fucking bitch-ass Mike Huckabee out. What's he the governor of? Arizona? Yeah. Right? He would be. Arizona. Oh, Arkansas?

Oh, Arkansas. It's completely different. Juan Fier said Arizona. It made me think it was Arizona. And now I fucking look like an idiot. Arkansas. You know what? Fuck it. He was the governor of the other one I don't give a shit I don't know what else to talk about dude I got heated in the beginning and then I usually the episodes are better at the end

but now I feel like I fucking blasted my load I feel like I fucking in the beginning and now I'm like, yeah, yeah, we'll go again in a little bit and I just Is that all you have? No, no, no. Just let me chill for a second. Whatever. I busted. It's it. That's it. It's fine. whatever, I busted, it's it, that's it, it's fine,

what else, what do we have other things here, okay, what's up, oh, wow, this guy's good, this is good, this isn't the same guy, is it, no, dude, if this was the same guy, I would have fucking straight up traveled over to him and shook his hand and thanked him. You guys are so wrong about, so many of you are so wrong about what's bitch and what's not bitch. But this is a great one. Hunter White, at H underscore dub, D-U-B-B. Hey, Crystalia, how bitch is it being the third person trying to carry a sofa? Yeah, because you don't fit in. You're a bitch.

You just need two guys. Okay, let me help out though. You got it you got it okay you got it that's that's the bitch shit you guys got it okay hold on you got it all right all right you got it that's great good job on calling how bitch it is that's so bitch it's a bitch um you know what the fucking thing is too with the with the sofa is like if you gotta it's so like i've been the sofa is like if you got a, it's so like I've been the guy where like you're moving a couch and a guy and a girl is moving it and a guy's got it on one side and a girl's got it on the other side. And you're like, well, I'm a man. Let me take the side.

And you're like, no. And you're like, well, I got to help out anyway. I'm the man. I'm not going to let a girl do it in front of me. And then you're just the third guy doing it and the girl's like doing it and you know you're a bitch. And she's like, I would never sleep with you. And you're like, okay. You're drying my pussy being a bitch, being the third guy holding the sofa.

Okay, well, let me get around there. She's like, I'm already doing it. You snooze, you lose. I would have blown you. Okay. All right. You want to lay on it while I carry it? No.

Grace Robbins, at GraceKR26. She's an elder, I believe, right? Yeah, she's an elder. What's your favorite part about touring for a new hour? Probably figuring it out and being happy. Like even just yesterday or two days ago in Boise, I figured out a tag to one of my jokes um and so that that's my favorite part uh and i also like showing up to cities and like show and people who are actually really excited that i'm coming to their city like fans who have wanted to see me but can't obviously

get out of their fucking city because they've got a life and so i go places like boise and like oh i never thought you'd come to boise and And they get so excited. Like, that shit fucking is really great, too. That warms my heart. When they wanted to, like, when I went to Boise, the first show, they gave me a standing ovation when I went up on stage. Like, when I walked up on stage. Like, all of them. It was fucking awesome. Dude, they were so great, man.

They were such a great crowd. And I went on stage and I was like, you know, know you guys if you don't stand at the end that means you like me a lot more than than when you actually saw me live and that'll fuck me up so i kind of made them i kind of talked them into giving me a standing ovation but they remembered and they gave it at the end too what else uh What else? Have you ever had an aggressive Lyft Uber driver wanting you to sit in the front seat? No. This is Fat Guy Punchline.

Christopher James at Fat Guy Punchline. I don't know what that means, but I like it. Have you ever had an aggressive? No, no, no, no. I don't know my buddy brent moran has a joke in his netflix thing about how like you you gotta sit in the front because if you sit in the back you look like i'm fucking up the joke but if you sit in the back you look like two friends got in an argument or something uh which is funny as shit uh and he's great check him out but uh i um no i always sit in the back fuck Fuck that. I'm not. The furthest

I can sit from a stranger, the better. I'll get in the trunk if he has one. Like, I go like this. Hey, open your trunk. Why? Because, Hussein, I gotta get in. Every fucking Uber driver's name's Hussein. I don't give a fuck. Open up

the trunk, Hussein. How'd you know my name was Hussein? Because it says on the thing? No, because I just guessed. I know it, Hussein. How'd you know my name was Hussein? Because it says on the thing? No, because I just guessed. I know it's Hussein. What bad PR Saddam Hussein had for fucking guys named Hussein, huh? Saddam Hussein is like the name of the fucking, remember when Jordan had the Hitler mustache?

And it's like, hey, Jordan, what are you doing? That's how we found out how famous Michael Jordan wasn't. When he was in the Hanes commercial with the Hitler mustache. We're like, ah, yeah, that's Hitler though, man. That's Hitler's thing. No matter how famous you can be, Michael Jordan was the most famous guy. Can't be more famous than Hitler. That's fucked up.

There you go. That's how you talk about how fucked up the world is. The most famous motherfuckers are the guys who killed six million people couldn't get rid of that charlie chaplin had that mustache hitler ruined it uh um what was that thing that you just oh yeah uh oh by the way something i didn't talk about was the bill cosby thing there's another thing thank Thank God about that, that he got fucked. Did he get 10 years? He hasn't been sentenced yet.

He can get up to 10 years or something like that. Man, imagine fucking Bill Cosby. Imagine in the 80s thinking, hey, this guy's going to jail for 10 years. Isn't that crazy? Bill Cosby, when I was in, when I was, when I watched that show, he would always remind me of my dad, you know? I think everybody probably felt that way.

And I'm a white guy, you know? But that black guy reminded me of my dad. That's how everybody's daddy was. And then, as soon as that stuff started coming out, I was like, oh, he doesn't remind me of my dad anymore. And that ended. I used to not be able to look at him without thinking that.

Oh, I got some good Instagram things. I put this guy on my Instagram. This guy put on his Instagram. This is great. This is great. This guy is so unaware. Okay. So this guy wrote, wearing purple at the supermarket, flipping bananas to find the nice fresh bunch

oh wait let me start this over you guys ready for the most fucked up Instagram post of the week here we go this is from a guy uh well the energy is much better when I do it like that here we go from a guy he's wearing a purple shirt and he's pouting. He's taking a selfie and pouting sitting in a chair. And this is what he writes. This is what he writes. Wearing purple at the supermarket, flipping bananas to find the nice fresh bunch next to a gay guy is not ideal. He hummed songs to himself and followed me down every friggin' aisle.

Spelled it with, spelled it I-S-L-E, by the way. I started talking to myself out loud. In quotes. Yeah, my missus would love these eggs. Chicken. Veggies. With one G. And then in capitals.

Nuts. Yep, when I said French almond nuts, he quietly hummed, ooh. with one G and then in capitals nuts. Yep. When I said French almond nuts, he quietly hummed. Ooh. Then he writes, never been so scared in my life. He looked like Charles Manson.

And then the hashtags are not gay. Hashtag straight. Hashtag have a partner. She is very much female. Hashtag dem feels hashtag feel violated hashtag dat no touch violation feels. Ah. Ah. Ah. Eh. Hashtag Adidas.

Ha. Because he's wearing Adidas. Hashtag fitness. Scanando. Hashtag WBFF. Don't know what that is. Hashtag WBFF. Don't know what that is. Hashtag 40 days to go until what? He comes out of the closet?

Hashtag first comp. Hashtag abs. Hashtag muscle. Hashtag Gold Coast. Hashtag subs. Dude. Let me just tell you. You're gay. It's okay. You are gay and it's okay. Hey, you're a gay guy and it's all good. We love you. Just don't be judgmental. Wearing purple to the supermarket, flipping bananas like a gay guy can't help himself if a guy's wearing purple

and touching bananas. Like a gay guy's just like, you know what? I got to fuck that guy right now. Hey, dude, number one, get over yourself. Number two, fuck it. Dude, if a gay guy checks me out, I'm flattered. Somebody thinks I'm attractive. I don't give give a fuck doesn't mean you have to fuck him also dude this guy is absolutely the kind of guy that definitely would do the same thing to a chick and he's like feel violated you do the same fucking thing and even if you don't there's a guy out there that does that so don't say oh you can't say he doesn't he doesn't do it don't know this guy put me on his fucking instagram story he's like hey this guy's hating and i'm not hating just fucking you know you were at the

supermarket nothing happened also you're gay and that's fine but don't fucking you know what i mean whoop did he scoop poop poop is all i'm trying to say whoop diddiddy-scoop-poop-poop is all I'm trying to say. Whoop-diddy-scoop-poop. That's it. I think that's it. I wrote on my Instagram, now I got to fuck this guy just on principle.

Dude, Instagram's amazing. There's another thing of a girl who's taking a picture of just herself, and she writes, taking selfie with my handsome boyfriend. In every picture, always looking amazing. And it's just a picture of her. Eh. Eh. Eh.

Whole world's gone whoop-dee-dee-scoop. All right. Square Cash. Have you switched yet? Download the free Square Cash app enter rewards code congrats get $5

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Download the ChrisTalia app for iOS or Android. Subscribe, rate, and review the show. That really helps. If you would do that, please. Thank you very much. Video episodes go up on Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Watch my specials, Man on Fire and incorrigible and uh thank you for listening Thank you.