Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 67. Hamberican Idol

Episode Date: May 7, 2018

It's the 67th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about Ryan Seacrest. Also discussed: Emily Ratajkowski, The Goo Goo Dolls, San Francisco being too cold, Logan Paul, game show announcers, TMFUIPOTW & Chris answers a bunch of questions from Twitter. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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deposited right into the app? Well, look, all the babies use the Cash App. And I do too, which is why it's the number one finance app in the App Store. So check it out. You've got to download the free Cash app for iOS or Android now. And if you don't, let's face it, you piece of shit. here we go it's episode 67 and it is may what it's gonna be. He actually does say that. He says straight up. It's gonna be May. It's gonna be the month May. I think he says that in the song.

So I am here. I'm live on my app. You guys get it first on the Crystalia app. Episode 67. Who knows what we're going to call it? We're going to find that out together. Actually, you already know what it is because you're listening to it. So you're listening to it. You know what the episode's called.

But whenever I start the episode, you don't know what it's going to be called. I don't know what it's going to be called. And then what happens is I say the fucking thing that it happens, and then all you guys go, that's why he called it that. So it's may already it's weird that it's may already i um i uh i found out that uh time goes a lot quicker when you get older i'm 38 and the years just keep getting faster and faster pretty pretty soon i feel like when i become 70 each year is going to be a week and a half and just going to be speeding on up into the fucking afterlife, just speeding on up into getting underground, just speeding on up into getting six feet deep. And that's how we start the episode,

with a little bit of death talk. That's really sad. I started off on a sour note, sat uh started off on a sour note but it's all good um got the babies listening uh here uh i got the new orange i got the orange chair back because one fire was like dude we got to have the orange chair i don't know what the fuck one fire's got a hard-on for this orange chair uh he wants it to he thinks it looks a lot better. And maybe it does. I don't know. You know, some people like a pop of color. You know what I'm saying? Some people like a pop of color.

So I thought, I got to say, I literally just saw this thing online. I thought Emily read it to Chowski, cut her hair, but it's just a wig for the Met Gala, which made me, oh, cool. The Met Gala. Yay. cut her hair but it's just a wig for the met gala which made me oh cool the met gala yay the met gala where everyone dresses like they're so important yay yay but you know what dude uh i guess the met gala is coming up but i thought it made me think about something dude about how like uh emily redditschowski cut her hair. I thought like people thought she did

and they saw it and they were like, oh my God, yes, queen. Oh, it's amazing. Oh, you look so beautiful. Work it, girl. She's a queen. You know what's driving, it's so annoying how we have to pretend

when any woman cuts her hair, we have to pretend that it's beautiful. Everybody has to be like, wow, you look gorgeous. Let me just tell you what's really on everybody's mind. You look worse. Okay? You look, you look, you can still be gorgeous, but you look worse. As a matter of fact, some guys with good long hair, if you cut your hair, you look worse. I have long hair, and if I cut my hair, I would look worse. Now, here's the deal.

If you're a guy and you have wavy hair, you can have it long. If you have straight hair and it's long you look like a fucking asshole okay like it has to be like wavy and shit it can't be like just fucking straight hair that's long like uh like keith urban no keith urban is a guy who should have short hair first of all he's handsome as all get out he's a handsome fucking guy but when he has that long hair or like the google dolls guy oh the google dolls guy dude you know what keith urban is the australian google dolls guy doll's guy dude you know what keith urban is the australian google doll's guy um like uh hey has the guy the google's dog guy has he gotten plastic surgery or no has he gotten plastic surgery at all or no oh and the answer is yes. Because look at him.

I like this one. He's like, I'm going to get married. Who you see is who you are and what you are is beautiful. And then he just says, oh, May. And people are like, is that your girlfriend? And he was like, nah, I just said it. I looked it up. He was like, nah, I just said it because I thought it was going to be about May.

Stay in love with a girl named May still from high school. I'm going to get married. That's the most. That's the most. We're going to get married. That's the most fucking sad actual lyric of any song ever. We're going to get married. All right, man man just do it oh may what does he say we're gonna get married does he say that i wanna wake up where you are. Dildo, dildo, dildo. Creepy.

Oh, May. Oh, he says, do you want to get married or run away? That's what he says. Do you want to get married? So many options. Or run away. That's so fucking beta. You want to get married or run away?

Dude, it's so funny. Like, girls like that, like, sing-songy shit and that whole romance novel type shit. But when it comes down to it, you don't want that. You don't want some guy that's like, you want to get married or you want to run away? You don't want that. You know what you want? You want that if you're 45 and lonely and you're married. That's what you want. A part of you wants out of that relationship because it all the fucking

mundaneness of life and every day is the same and you're like i just bring the kids to school make them lunch and fucking kiss them on their foreheads when they go to their shitty school and then pick them up later or i have one of the other moms do it and they want to fucking run away with some guy who's going to say you want to run away or get married, but you don't really want that. You don't want that. If you're a fucking young up and coming chick, that's like got the world at her fingertips. You don't want that. You think you want that, but you don't want that. You want some fucking, uh, you want, you want, you want a guy that's like, you want some fucking uh you want you want you want a guy that's like you want a guy that's

like girls want a guy that's like oh yeah he's like i want a guy that you want a guy that like is like yeah you you know what you want a guy that's like i want to run away that's what you want you want a guy that's like i want to run away and she's's like, and you're like, can I come? And you're like, ah, let me actually see when I'm there. I'll text you. I don't want to get married. I want to run away from you. How much? I think the guy from Google Dolls was born with one of those fucking tight.

What do you call it? Chokers on. He's just like, wah. He came out, he was like, wah, wah. And the doctor was like, oh, it's a fucking dope guy with a fucking choker on. Wah. Wah. I was in my mom's pussy and I wanted to run away. I'm pussy and I wanted to run away.

He fucking straight out came out with the umbilical cord around his neck like that. Just like, wow, wow, dude. With a fucking flap of hair over. So emo. I'd cry, but I'm too sad about it. Always. always the google dolls oh google dolls baby was born with a fucking choker on and a really small leather jacket red leather jacket with a fucking with a little fucking the pussy hair under his mouth how about guys who just have that fucking little bitch ass pussy hair under the bottom lip

what are you doing joining lip. What are you doing? Joining Smash Mouth? Hey, what you doing? Don't have that. My buddy loves the Goo Goo Dolls, dude. It's hilarious. He actually went to go see him in concert and he's like 35. Too young for it. He's a comedian. young for it he's a comedian and he went to go see oh look at his name john razesnik raznesnesnik what's his name is that his name john razesnik too many z's hey have your Z's run away. Anyway, it's – yeah, so – but that's not what a girl wants is the guy with the romance. It's weird. You like to fantasize about that shit, but that's not what you want. What you want is some guy to fucking run away by himself and text you when he gets there and be like, I'm actually going to chill with my buddies for a little while and then I'll let you know in a little bit.

I'll probably just come back. You know what I want you to to do i want you to stay at the house i ran away want you to stay at the house and i'm gonna just fucking i'll come back i'll come back when the kids are there um all right guys signing off on my app thanks for listening um but yeah why do we have to pretend like we always love it when a girl cuts her hair? What the fuck is that? That's so weird, right? Like you just got to be like, we got to make sure we empower women so much that they can't make a mistake. They can't make a mistake, dude. Remember the last time somebody got upset about someone cutting her hair was that Felicity on Felicity.

The Carrie, what's her name? Carrie something. Carrie something. Carrie something. I don't know. But she was on Felicity. It was a show that was like in like the year 2000 or something. Huffman. What is it?

Carrie Russell. And – because I thought Felicity Huffman. So – and she cut her hair and then like they said the ratings went down because she cut her hair. And I think ever since then we're like, no, when a woman cuts her hair, it's important. It's like, okay, it's hair. You can cut your hair if you want, or you don't have to cut your hair if you don't want, but it's not important. But if you're a guy who has fucking long hair and it's straight as shit, straight up join a 90s fucking band. We sing like this.

I also don't like singing voices that are different than the regular voices that's the most annoying i was i actually used to do a bit about that you know british dudes do it like i used to do a bit about that on seal like i didn't know seal was british because he'd be like from a kiss from a rose on a grain oh I like the way you make a stranger feel. Yeah, yeah. And then it'd be like, how's it going? No. Sing like that. I've got a strange kiss from a rose on a grass. Ooh, you've got to make a stranger

feel. Yeah. Right. I did that bit on stage. I think it's on the Laugh Factory website or some shit. I don't know. I think it's on there. It's on the laugh factory website or some shit. I don't know. Or like the YouTube anyway. Um, uh,

so, but yeah, I, I don't, it's just like, we got to, I don't, I don't know.

There, there's, I, you's a – you know what? Actually, the thing – here's – I just read this headline. Somebody just texted it to me. And this was the thing that started me – because the University of Florida apologizes after black graduates were manhandled at commencement. It's a Time magazine. Now, when you read that article, when I read that article, I thought, oh, for fuck's sake, who gives a shit, right? They're making it about white and black, and it's not about white and black.

They probably were just like, get off the stage. You graduated, right? Then I read the article, and I watched watched a video and it's actually fucked up it's actually racist like the guy the way he was like literally pushing men and women off of the stage and they the ones that i saw were all black and it was a white guy who did that and the guy's got to know that even if he's not here's why i think the guy's racist because even if he's not racist he has to understand when he's doing that. It seems racist. Therefore he doesn't give a fuck.

So it's definitely racist. He's just letting her, his, his, his emotions get the best of me. He's like, you know what? Fuck it.

Got to get the blacks off the stage. Like that's what he's thinking. Doesn't matter if they're, doesn't matter. You know, if white people were doing this, it doesn't matter, but they're not doing it.

Are they? Because white people don't do that. That's what he's thinking. Like Stan Martian shit. And he's just like, well, white people don't do that. That's what he's thinking. Like Stan Martian shit. And he's just like, well, white people don't do that, do they? No, if they did, I would also do it. But they don't. It's only the blacks that do that.

Let's get off the stage. Women too. It doesn't matter. And I watch it. And it is fucked up. Now, here's the thing. This is why. This is why.

And I say this i'm not a fucking i'm not a i'm not a a a republican or a democrat or a fucking you know you got to have a little bit of liberal or and a little bit of conservative or you know you can't be too far one way or else you cartoon you run into a wall when you run into a wall does it have run into a wall, does it have, do you break through it? And is there an outline of your body imprinted on the wall? When you slip, does it go? No, you cartoon, you're on one side or the other side. To the character.

Okay. You are to D2 because today is in there you are too detailed no you gotta fall in the middle somewhere okay but the problem is with the with the the left they're whining about fucking everything bye they're whining about everything so and and and you know you could be like oh you're blaming this and this is how you this is this is a problem with you fine it's a problem with me but i'm blaming them because you made me read that fucking headline and think ah for fuck's sake there's nothing wrong with these whiny ass motherfuckers are making. Some white guy wrote this stupid article. And then I read it and it was fucked up. This is how you ruin your argument.

The left? Dear the left. This is how you ruin your argument. You whine about bitch ass shit. That's not a fucking problem. And then I read shit on time and I'm like, oh, who gives a shit? And then I get pissed off at this guy for apologizing before I even read the article then i read the article and i realized oh that was fucked up and i'm just like it just makes me want to run away and not get married and that destroys

the sanctity of marriage so basically the left you're destroying the sanctity of marriage. I like how to the article said manhandled. You know. They were manhandled. Blacks were manhandled. Racist. It was fucked up, though. He was literally picking them up and moving them like chess pieces. What is the Tupac line where he's like, we're playing chess with real pieces?

That's the most awesome shit, dude. We're playing chess with real pieces. Like, what does he say? I forget whatever it is, but it's so funny because it's, dude, Tupac was the best because he would just do shit. He would say like, it's like we're playing chess with real pieces. Like, ah, that's just, it's just chess, except he added the word real. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's like a chess game.

Let's play with real pieces. That's so funny to me, yeah. It's like a chess game. Let's play with real pieces. That's so funny to me, dude. Mr. Machiavelli moving pieces like telekinesis. It's like a chess game. Let's play with real pieces. Let's play with real pieces. That's so dope, dude. It's so dope how succinct he would do it.

Remember when he would say fucking when he said uh oh dude best tupac quote of all time i think i talked about this on the podcast but when he was like uh when he was like uh they're trying to light me up but i'm but they can't because i'm a businessman and you could tell because when you look for me you find me in my place of business it's basic and also supporting it and it's true it's like just dang you play real peace dude that was so dope man he was the shit fuck he was the shit dude he'd be like 40 something right now damn imagine what he would think of these rappers now you know these skittles fucking rappers um i don't know i'd love to know what the fuck he was he'd be doing though um uh yeah dude wow uh dude you don't understand when i was in high school i would

listen to new tupac songs i come out and i'd be like ah ah, in my car, I would be like, ah, dude, the whole fucking, it was the shit, dude. In his Connie out in his Connie shirt, you know, or whatever the fuck that brand was. Um, is that what it was? And they keep you ahead of video. Uh, so, uh, whatever. I don't know. Fucking for fuck's sake. I was in San Francisco for a few days this week, chilling, doing a little bit of chilling my babies. And San Francisco, here's the thing. San Francisco, you're always cold. No matter what the fuck you're doing, it's cold.

And I said something to somebody that I was like, man, San Francisco, always cold, even in July and August. And they were like, actually, July and August are like the coldest months. Hey, San Francisco, go fuck yourself. Don't be cold in the summer. Don't be only be cold in the summer. If you're in Antarctica, dude, San Francisco is one of the coldest places in the world. And here's why.

Because you don't think it's going to be cold. And then you get there and there's always a fucking breeze, dude. You got to wear turtlenecks and fucking hoodies, dude. And I was there chilling and they have fantastic food, but boy, is it cold. It actually always, you know, what's dude, I'll tell you what I saw so many, it's, it's amazing how many gay people are up there and proud to be gay in San Francisco. And I think that's fucking awesome. But like if I was gay and I and I was born in like wherever is a non gay friendly area, I would be like one day, one day when I'm old enough, I'll get to San Francisco.

And then people be like, but what is San Francisco? And you'd be like like it's the Mecca for all of us do you like men? yes I do have you heard of San Francisco what is San Francisco it's where you go if you want to put your penis inside of another man

people won't fault you for it. And then you go and it's just like, and it's like, I mean, dude, it's actually beautiful. And here's the thing. You go out there, you see guys holding hands and shit, and it makes you smile, man, because you're happy. and it makes you smile, man, because you're happy. But that sucks that you're – it sucks that you feel happy for that because you know about all the persecution that's going on, right? I wish it was just normal and you'd just be like, yeah, good, just like you see a guy and a girl together.

But like I feel bad that I start feeling good for it because it's like it should just be that way everywhere. What's that i'm coming out what's that song this is san francisco they're like they're like one day we'll get to san francisco and it will all be fine whoa this is it huh and it will all be fine. Whoa, this is it, huh? Damn, this song's awesome. Anyway, but yeah, it's cool, man.

And there's so many, it's like the gay mecca. I would go there, dude, if I was gay, I would live there. And I would fucking, I would live there. There's no doubt. Because even in LA, there's a little bit of that. Like, I could imagine, like, if something happened, like, there would never be a hate crime. I mean, maybe there, I'm sure there has been. But, like, imagining a hate crime against gays in San Francisco

would be like you can't I can't even imagine it I'm sure it's happened but which is a shame but like you know that shit still happens in LA and LA is gay is pretty I mean it's definitely a liberal

city but San Francisco is the shit about that and really good fucking food and freezing city. But San Francisco's the shit about that. And really good fucking food. And freezing. And also freezing. Should I do these ads now? Because I gotta...

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have switched to the cash app and i'm talking about me, Ivan Getridov, and also OneFire. It's the simplest way to pay people back, friends, family, babies, elders. Sending and receiving money is totally free and fast, and most payments can be deposited directly into your bank account in just a few seconds. Did you know that the Cash App lets you do way more than that? Because I didn't until I did. And that's mostly how it always goes. But now you can even buy and sell Bitcoin instantly, get your paycheck deposited directly into the app, pull money out of the ATM with free, with the free custom cash card that you can design yourself or use it to spend anywhere you like.

You really won't find a more useful finance app out there. Design your cards. By the way, you get these actual cards from Square Cash, and you can design them. You could show your artistic side and then tweet them to us and show us your artistic side. We want to see. And then, of course, you download the Cash app. $5 goes to you, and $5 goes to Time's Up Legal Defense Fund. Download the free Cash app for iOS or Android now. So, yeah. So this week, and I was going to start with this.

I was going to lead with this story, but I got out of my – I got out. I got away from it. Look, the podcast goes when it goes. I start, I start and it fucking takes off, man. And then I start talking about what I'm talking about. And then before I know it, it's the ad break. And then I get into the fucking, you know, there's no main story. But I guess this will be the main story this week. I got into it this week on Twitter with the very famous YouTube blogger, Logan Paul.

Now, if you don't know who he is, you're 20. But if you do know who he is, you're less than that. Basically, he put out, and I know people have covered this. There have been a lot of articles on it, and people have talked about it on podcasts. But you come to me, you're coming right to the source. This is me. I got into it with him. You can listen to all the other guys you can listen to fucking uh mashable or fucking whatever the whoever wrote about it can't remember uh but this is me i'm

chris d'alia and logan paul i he said end of vlogs uh whatever. My last vlog, it's important. Now, I know it's not his last vlog because he's not going to do that because you watch one of his vlogs, which I finally did, and you realize this guy's going to vlog forever because he wants people to see him. And that's fine. I want people to see me too. Don't fault the guy for that, for sure. Now, he's gotten into some heat because of the fucking filming the dead

body thing which i i get is horrible i made fun of it on the podcast a few episodes ago um and so i just tweeted back to him he said it's important watch it and i wrote no it's not and then a day later i think he wrote hey he wrote 50 million laughing, crying emojis, crying, laughing emojis. Now I know why your comedy career took a dive, which, first of all, I hate defending myself, and I didn't do it on Twitter, but I'll do it here because I'm just talking, which is just not true. I mean, you guys, you come to a show, you'll see. You know, I, and I was listening to Bert Kreischer talk about this on his podcast. He's a friend of mine. I love Bert. He's like, you got to come from some sort of truth when you're making fun of somebody, right? Like I I'm doing better this year than I was last year. Fine.

Whatever. I don't even care about that. I'm not defending myself. I don't give a shit. Who cares? Um, but so I wrote back, uh, uh, what did I write back one fire uh at least when my career dies you can upload you could film it and upload it on and put it on you could film it and at least when my career dies you can film it and put it on youtube now i knew now i saw this and when I saw when I saw Logan tweet this tweet to me I was like oh no I immediately felt bad because I was like this is not going to end this is not going to end the way you want it to end or maybe you think it's going to end because you have this you know you live in a bubble and we all do you live in a bubble of your fans and that's cool and that's fine there's nothing wrong with that I live in a i try not to i try to think about what you know

the world likes and not just my fans like but when he wrote that i was like ah shit man and this is what i think what anybody tweets me not just one of the most famous youtubers i think okay you tweeted me and and he he knew everyone was going to see this But here's the deal When you're not a famous person and you tweet me And you tweet me a fucking A hot diss Or whatever the fuck you want to call it

You tweet me some hot lava What I think is You think nobody's going to see this Well I'm going to fucking Make sure everybody sees it And I'm going to retweet it And I'm going to fucking make sure everybody sees it, and I'm going to retweet it, and I'm going to fucking clap back, dude. So I fucking basically came back with a clap back. Now, my friend, who's a good friend of mine, says, don't say clap back.

But I look at him in the eyes, and I say, no, I say clap back. Because this is from fucking 2003 and Ja Rule. And he came out with a clap back. Now, of course, this is the this is from fucking 2003 and ja rule and he came out with a clapper now of course this is the song called clap back now of course is the intro too long yes is it over a minute yes get to the rapping ja rule now of course naturally get to the rapping is he gonna get to it now no he should have already been to it but now he should get to a rapping now but he's not he's just talking now that's really annoying because he really gives a fuck what rappers have to say just rap so i'm fucking talking about when i see this i'm like oh this is a gift to a comedian first of all you're already hated

because of what happened now i'm not saying never forgive the guy i'm not saying i you know i probably said he was a piece of shit for doing the thing but everybody everybody's a person. You never really – everyone's getting in trouble. Like I said this last podcast, everyone's getting in trouble for what they say and what they do and not who they are. And that's a problem. But when I said this, I knew it was going to go viral because it was just too good. He had too much against him, and it ended up getting – I'm looking now – 658,211 likes. now 658,211 likes now that's straight up more likes on any tweet that donald trump has ever tweeted that's fucking crazy because i'm just piece of shit comedian not president united states so then he came back to me and hit some other shit and i hit some some other shit back, and I just kept on fucking thinking of that Ja Rule song, man.

Say the N-word a little too much. Okay. Can't rap along with it, that's for sure. Okay, well. Does it start now? No. Now that's for sure okay well does it start now no now that's too long start already anyway it isn't the zero go i think right here and this is what was in my in. Every time he tweeted, I was like, oh, fuck yeah, dude. Another one. I was like a pig in shit, dude.

It's also what I do. It's what comedians do. Don't. I want to know what he was thinking. He probably just thought his ego is probably out of control, and that's fine. I'm not saying I don't have a big ego. But like you're tweeting a shit remark to a comedian. This is a comedian's job is dealing with hecklers.

It's part of the job description. One of the number one parts of the job description description description or description and uh you're doing this to a comedian and you're doing it not only to a comedian but to me you're not doing it to jerry seinfeld who's just gonna be like oh that's a hater fuck him who cares you're doing it to me who's just going to be like, oh, that's a hater. Fuck him. Who cares? You're doing it to me. Who's going to obviously flame you, dude. I'm going to put you over the barbecue. I can't wait for shit like this.

I get real petty, motherfucker. It's what Twitter's for, dude. When people are like, oh, man, you're better than that, don't. Hey. No. That's a fart noise for you. When people say, you're better than that, I go like this. No, that's as good as I am.

If you tweet me a shit remark on Twitter, congratulations, you entered the octagon. You don't do this shit. Here we go. Here we go, motherfuckers. Here we go, motherfuckers. Dude, and you get sauteed.

So bitch to say sauteed and my fucking headphones came out. You get sauteed. 38-year-old guy, literally. I say, you get sauteed. And then my fucking headphone jack came out of my earphones. What a bitch I am. I'm such a bitch. Dude, what a bitch that I'm 38 years old.

And I'm like, so excited that this 24 year old is tweeting me. I couldn't wait. I had so many fucking things that were going through my head. Like, I can say this. I can say that. And dude, I was fucking, I kept coming, dude. It's better than coming. For a comedian, it's better than coming.

I'm coming in the day, I'm coming in the night. Dude, it's better than coming. Every time, every time he tweeted me. Me, with my shirt off, spinning around with my arms out.

Just so awesome. Just so glittery and shit. Just fucking making my head go before the spin, you know what I mean? Like, spinning the head first. Like how fucking beautiful gay guys do it. I'm a fucking beautiful gay guy when he fucking tweets me, dude. That's straight up what I am. Go ahead.

Oh, you want to make fun of my career? I'm a beautiful gay guy with my palms up, my, my arms extended and I'm fucking glittery as shit. And my shoulders are fucking one in another, one in another dude. And I'm spinning around, dude. And my feet are together. You get it, dude. And I'm fucking, I'm dressed like, uh, dude. And I'm fucking, I'm dressed like, uh, Chris Tucker in the, in the fifth element. That's my outfit, dude. Have you ever seen a vlog by the way? Hey, what the fuck is a vlog? What is a vlog? This is basically a vlog except that no, you know what a vlog is. It's cut all like, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam You'd be like It's like, hey man, what's up? Yeah, you're just chilling? We're just chilling

So, here's what happened today, that's what a vlog is So, here's what happened today I was just kind of like chilling, and my friend called me And then it cuts to, bing, bing, bing On the face, and I'm gonna just And so, she said this to me And so I was like, and then it cuts to them And they're like this Ugh And then it cuts back like and then it cuts to them And they're like this

And then it cuts back And anyway so that's what they were saying the thing And then it's fucking ping ping ping And then like even even Even Rusty doesn't like it and it shows their dog And they're like what the fuck hey That's not content that's Nothing

Now I'm not I'm sure there's good vlogs and bad vlogs I don't fucking know but i want to know what i want to know because i don't understand why you would watch a vlog i guess and dude here's the thing here's me being the old guy this is the way the times are changing vlogs are the shit i I get it. Great. Make your money, motherfucker. And I'm not knocking vlogs. If you can do that, I mean, this is basically a vlog, except for, you know, if you're listening to it. But if you're watching it, it's a vlog, I guess. But I don't understand the people that watch the vlogs. You know what? I

guess I'm answering my own question, because why the fuck do people listen to my podcast? I guess here's the thing. I've never seen an interesting vlog. And that's my fault because I'm sure there's good vlogs out there. But I've never seen an interesting vlog. I watched – it's mostly just about like fun editing, right? And it's like boing, oing, oing, oing. It's like those old radio things where they're like, well, no, they're not old.

They're still like that. The AM or the FM radio when it's like, hey, guys, it's fucking Rick, Rick Bootyhole over at the Sacramento. And we're here. We got a caller. Bring, bring. Hey, what's up? What's going on? Me. Wrong. Oh, you got shafted. Anyway, let's go to the a caller. Hey, what's up? What's going on?

Wrong. Oh, you got shafted. Anyway, let's go to the next caller. Hopefully you don't get shafted. Let's explode you. Oh, my God. Here it is. The new Bruno Mars.

That's what that fucking thing is. Hey, what's up? It's Rick Bootyhole. Hey, how you doing? Rick Bootyhole with the bootyhole. We got the bootyhole dancers in the background. Hey, here's up? It's Rick Bootyhole. Hey, how you doing? Rick Bootyhole with the Bootyhole... We got the Bootyhole dancers in the background. Here we go. Welcome, everybody, to Jimmy and the Bootyhole Show

with our guests, with our Jimmy and the Bootyhole and Diane. Diane? Hi, how's it going? I'm here with the news. Cool. Why don't you tell us what happened? So this guy walked across the sidewalk. All right, great. Boing, boing, boing. Tune in next time for Jimmy and the I'm here with the news. Cool, why don't you tell us what happened? So this guy walked across the sidewalk. All right, great. Tune in next time for Jimmy and the Bootyhole with the news.

Rick and the Bootyhole. Whatever, it doesn't matter what my name is because people call me Bootyhole. Imagine being a fucking 50-year-old guy and going by like Jazzyhead or whatever the fuck their names are, you know? The Penguin. Right? jazzy head or whatever the fuck their names are you know the penguin right jimbo hey it's fucking at least ryan secret is a dude did i ever talk about remember when right dude ryan me and my friends always used to make fun of ryan seacrest because when he did american idol uh he would say this is american idol did did we talk about this? Did I talk about this on here? Dude, but we would always do like every time he came back,

he would do it every episode. We felt like he would do it slower and slower, and he would be like, this is American Idol. And then like the next one would be like, this is American Idol. And we got so fucking, we kept doing that one day. We thought he was going to be like, this is American Idol, where there was an H in front of it. And they're like, no, Ryan Seacrest, there's no H in front of it. But he was like, he couldn't help himself until he got to the point where he was saying Ham-berican Idol.

How dumb is that, dude dude how stupid is that this is hamberican idol i bet he could do that slowly this show's been on for fucking does he still do it by the way does he still do it i don't know he's got 47 shows but um he he he, he, he, like, if you told me Ryan Seacrest was the fucking host of CSI Miami, I'd be like, oh yeah. Even though there's, I'd be like, I didn't, I guess I didn't realize there was a host of that. But, but, but Ryan Seacrest would be like, no, I'm the host of CSI Miami. And I make $50 million a year from it. CSI Miami. This is CSI Miami.

This is CSI Miami. I'm Ryan Seacrest from Hamberican Idol. But now I host CSI Miami. Let's check in with the leads. Oh, we don't know what happened. We look like it was strangulation. Find out when we come back, if it was strangulation or asphyxiation, even though it's the same thing,

right? Erotic asphyxiation. Oh, you know, Ryan Seacrest definitely has done erotic asphyxiation. You know, he fucking does it while he jerks off. And he does it with his own hands

he doesn't use like a belt because he's too afraid of death I mean himberican idol this is Jeopardy how about all the they make you so excited for it and you're not even excited for it, you know?

This is Jeopardy. Imagine how sad that guy is who does that. You have to be the saddest guy in the world if you're the guy who goes, this is Jeopardy. I would lose my fucking mind if i was if that was my job i used to say i used to say ryan secrets had the worst job of all time because you just say the shit that people tell you to say at least he's doing it his own way but i remember i was telling my friend dan levy i was like that's my nightmare job is to be in front of the camera and just have to say what cards are written. What are written. But,

I would be like, dude, crack whore would be a better job than that. Because at least it's exciting. You know what I'm saying? Like, to be like, what do you want me to say? Okay, here we go. This is sad.

I mean, I don't know. It's like a job for like a fucking, you know what it is? It's a job for a chick that's just like got a hot body that's got no personality, right? I was thinking about this too because I was on this guy's page on Instagram

that was like really incredibly good looking and I was watching, I was looking at his content and I was just like, he was so boring dude and i was like dude it happens to guys too and i knew this already but it's like i relearned it like chicks don't have to be anything because got titties and it's no knock on chicks that's not that's a knock on dudes we're fucking idiots because we're like

oh you're hilarious and you know we'll say that when they're just like i went to the market today why is it so weird dude you make really funny observations we're sitting there with a fucking squirty boner this actually hilarious she's really cool i got a buddy who's oh if a girl likes him he's always like she's actually really cool man oh really or is that she's batting her fucking lashes in your face and your dick's getting all rock hard you're the that the guy that guy is the problem but it happens to dudes too imagine being the dude that you're so good looking that you can't develop a personality because you let other people dictate how fucking stupid you can be.

That's hilarious. Bro, develop something. Develop something. These guys just walk around like, I take my shirt off. I got blue eyes. Or they learn how to dance or something, you know? Like that's a personality.

Or they take karate. Hey, man. That's like a fucking stock character in a TV show. This guy is going to be the fucking best. He knows karate and he reads. And he drives a TV show. This guy's going to be the fucking best. He knows karate and he reads. And he drives a tractor everywhere. That's not a good character. That's a fucking...

You know? Oh, man. Dude, if I have a good looking kid, straight up, I'm going to make him wear a mask every day. It's going to be like Vanilla Sky, only he's going to take it off and he's going to be handsome as shit, not all scarred up or the phantom of the opera i just it it's weird like that good-looking thing fucks it makes it can easily make you not an interesting person and it doesn't matter you

can still be happy you can just be dumb as fuck and not interesting and happy as shit and what's what what's what's the point of life is not to be happy you're happy that's good if you're happy who gives a fuck i know some prime idiots man and they're happy as shit and i love them i love hanging out with them i like idiots i like chilling with idiots dude they're some of my favorite fucking people. You know what's even worse than a fucking dumb idiot? Is a smart guy that's always telling you shit that you don't give a fuck about. Oh, really? Is that what it was like in Greece in fucking the year 12,000?

Eat my cock. Put my nose. Put your nose in my taint. Turn around, bro. It's free conch. You can say whatever you want, but also turn around. Get gunk. It's free conch.

Tell me whatever you want. But dude, put on a fucking tie and a blue button down and khaki pants and go have a dinner with other people wearing that shit, bro. Because me, I'm fucking spinning with my palms up. me i'm fucking spinning with my palms up so anyway i think but i think the logan paul drama is over it's not drama and then this fucking other guy came up with like you he's like drama is like some guy who does some thing and he tweeted you made the news and i looked at it for a little bit and it was like him vlogging about me talking about him i said if that's the news then i'm an astronaut and then he wrote back like and something he tried to it was a horrible comeback these horrible comebacks do they make me want to it's like don't just don't do it you

didn't develop a personality deal with it ham baric and idle this is depressing don't do what you don't do do what you do stay in your lane stay in your lane right I'm not going to have a fucking...

That's why it bothers me when people do shit that they don't do. Like when an actor gets so much money that they start fucking collecting old cameras or some shit. This camera is actually $50,000 and it's a Lumiere. Oh, line them up and fucking run them over, dude. Line them up and run them over. Speaking of collecting shit, man, I was at the Museum of Modern Art recently in San Francisco. Bro, they fucking just, I swear to God, I'd walk through the Museum of Modern Art, I'd see a fucking thing, I'd walk through the Museum of Modern Art I'd see a fucking thing

And I'd be like who is this artist I'd look it up And I don't Look I'll tell you right now I don't get art I don't get it Some of it is cool Looking I think but then I would look up Some of these artists and it'd be like he sold four paintings

For 15 million dollars And insisted that they be hung together. Imagine what kind of fucking asshole you are. If you paint four paintings, sell them for $15 million and say they need to be hung in the same room. And I'm not and I'm I think I might do something like that, too. I'm not saying asshole like in a bad way. Like imagine the kind of world the ass, the kind of asshole the world lets you be if you're that kind of person i was looking up this other lady that that uh that is she's she's she's not alive anymore but she

she made these spider sculptures that are like enormous they're at parks there's like one in ottawa and shit and there's and and um And she sells them for like $25 million. Spider sculptures. They're terrifying. Imagine buying a piece of art for $25 million. And then I looked up what like a Picasso, the most expensive Picasso went for like $180 million. Somebody bought that for $180 million. What kind of a, how much money do you have to have if you buy a piece of art for $200 million?

You're not a billionaire. You have more money than that. That's insane, dude. That's so much fucking money. That's a crazy amount of money i'd never do that i'd never do that i'd never do that buying a piece of art i do you know what i'd rather do stack my fucking money up put it in a box in a glass case and then have that. That's the art there. This is, this is $20 million in this case. Look at that. Isn't that cool? That's art. That's art too.

If you say it is, I mean, I covered art on my phone, one of these other podcasts that I've done, but man, Oh my God. By the way, some, one time I was talking about, Oh yeah, the other podcast I did, or, Oh yeah, the other pockets. And somebody tweeted me once, what's the other podcast you do? I meant another episode of this fucking shit. I was like, oh yeah, the other podcast, on the other podcast I was talking about, I meant another episode of what I did here. I'm going to wait on this elder, by the way. We'll do it next week because I want to find out the info.

Do we have a thing here oh wait i had a most fucked up instagram post of the week sent it to the friends sent it to the group text sent it to the group text here it is right here uh okay this is it you guys ready for the most fucked up instagram post of the week uh-oh the most fucked up Instagram post of the week? Uh-oh. The most fucked up Instagram post of the week. Uh-oh. Gunk. This is what the caption is. Now, I have nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong with this caption.

Except for the fact that you probably posted it for the wrong reason. But then I'm going to describe to you what's in the picture. Mental illness isn't an excuse for toxic behavior or not working on yourself. I wake up every day with clear positive intention and I want to bring light to people's lives. We all struggle and it's okay to mourn and be unhappy sometimes, but it's not acceptable to treat people poorly or be cruel to those who are suffering. Please look at yourself with clear objective eyes and recognize if you need help being better to yourselves and those who love you.

I love you endlessly and you deserve to be happy and healthy. Fine. You're yentitled. But also, this is straight up a picture, a close-up of this girl, a close-up picture of this girl's pasty white ass. That's what this is. That's incredible what do you like what first of all anybody posting anything like that unless you're like really like into helping actually a lot and you promote that all the time if you just post that because you you got some shit wrong with you people who just post shit like every now and then

like that you got something you got something weird about you, man. You know what I'm going to do that's so fucking disrespectful that I love doing to you guys? I'm getting fucking lunch. I'm ordering lunch on my podcast, disrespecting the shit out of you guys. Because I want to. And there's nothing you can do about it. And that's fucking awesome. That's how disrespectful I get, dude. Order my lunch while you're listening to me, dude. Did it. Nothing you can do about it. You're listening, dude. That's so dope. It's free conch. Ordered lunch on my job and you listened to it.

Anyway, that's all I have to say, I guess, about the Logan Paul drama. I thought maybe it'd be more exciting and cool, but it's just not. I mean, I feel kind of fucking bad because like there's always a part of me when somebody fucks up. I think there's always a part of all of us, at least least for me that understands that like there are there are mistakes and you make miss people make mistakes and we've all made mistakes now granted not many of us has have has made a mistake as global as that but i wonder how many people would fucking make that mistake and i'm i'm not excusing it i think it's horrible but uh you know and i'm talking about of course filming and uploading youtube the dead body on youtube you know to the the the what we do on social media shaming people because of what what they've done is is often more often than not more harmful than than what they did

and i'm not saying in that case it is or what i don't know but i mean to come after people in this in this hive this beehive way where it's like, oh, that person talks shit. It's like what's happening with Kanye West. Dude, that guy's mentally, I think he's mentally unstable. I think he needs help. And everyone's just, fuck Kanye West, fuck this, fuck that, fuck him for saying this. But, you know, he's, you know, everybody but Trump is saying this, but like he he needs help, I think.

And it's sad. Because nobody in their right mind would think slavery is a choice. How how how can you think that? You just you did this. It's like saying this couch. There's chair I'm sitting on is blue. So it's fucked up to like castrate these motherfuckers because of this. You know, you want to because your visceral reaction and your gut is just like, oh, fuck this motherfucker.

But, you know i don't know did you guys see the uh donald donald glover video it's really fucking good my buddy neil brennan tweeted something so funny he was like hey can i can i is there any way to tell it's like what's the only way to tell people that i'm not racist i'm fucking it up but he was like hey can i can i is there any way to tell it's like what's the only way to tell people that i'm not racist i'm fucking it up but he was like oh i i gotta talk about how much i love the uh donald glover video is there any way i can signal that i am artistic and not racist besides tweeting about the donald glover video there's no other way huh um that's so funny uh it's so funny because so many fucking people the video is great i love the video but it's so funny to see white people come out of the woodwork and be like hey i'm not racist here's a retweet it's like you can be racist and tweet anything

that's what i'm saying it's saying. It's not what you say. It's what you do. Or who you are, rather. It's not what you do, even. It's who you are. It's a fucking... To retweet or to tweet... It's just so fucked to think about how many...

Look, I think that music video was arguably one of the greatest music videos I've ever seen. And the cool thing about Donald Glover is, I'll say this, man. He keeps getting better. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's awesome. That's the goal of, I think, an artist creatively is to just keep getting better. Like, you don't compare yourself to other people.

You can think Donald Glover's the best at what he does. You can think he's one of the best at what he does. You can think he's... You can not be a fan of him. It's all fricant, right? It's fricant. But the fact that he...

You kind of can't argue with the fact that he's just getting better and better at what he does. That's the fucking goal. That's the shit. That's the best. That's what I want for my career is to just get better at being me artistically as much as I can. You know, I guess in comedy or whatever the fuck it is. You know, not just comedy, but like, you know, as an actor and all the other shit.

That's the goal as an artist. But anyway, it's funny how much Donald Glover loves those pants, though. You could just tell that how much he loves those pants. Or pants like that, you know know like he wore pants just like that on the fallon thing too or whatever it is it's like okay we get it you like the pants dude put on some goddamn jeans i believe my brother never wears jeans dude he only wears corduroy how fucking i'm like why don't you just wear jeans like they're uncomfortable and i'm just like i always wear jeans man wear jeans? It's like they're uncomfortable. And I'm just like, I always wear jeans, man. Wear jeans sometimes.

I wear fucking other things sometimes. Anyway. Any Twitter questions or what? Oh, wow. This is real? is from mike rosenfeld mike underscore rosenfeld i delivered a sub to someone i went to middle school with and when i asked him what he was up to he said just collaborating with my inner self and then he writes eh i like that he wrote eh um yeah dude that's horrible man oh you mean you're just lonely oh you mean you have no friends to collaborate with say yeah jump out the car if somebody said that to me in a car i'd slow down

to five miles an hour and i'd be like get out and i wouldn't stop i'd be like you got to get out this is as fucking slow as i'm going i don't care get out try to get out and stay standing hey hey people love being like people love being like wordy like that and like pretentious because they think it well that's pretty bitch change it at the truest baby how bitch is it to throw a frisbee under your leg it's pretty bitch it's not as bitch as the other two things that the other guy said but it is pretty bitch because it's most it's pretty you know what it is it's pretty dad it's it's definitely extremely white to do i mean it's white to play frisbee as it is but if you're throwing it under

your leg you like have a fucking red nose with freckles you know it's pretty bitch dude frisbee golf fuck it huh one time i played ultimate frisbee and one guy and i was fucking around playing ultimate frisbee and one guy said it's actually more fun if you take it seriously and I fucking said I'll never play this bullshit game again because of this motherfucker who did that. You ruined it. Hey congratulations. You ruined it. You know when it's way

more fun? When you don't say dumb as fuck shit like that. It's actually more fun if you take it. That's so something somebody in high school would say. I was in high school when I did it. It's actually more fun if you take it seriously. Oh something somebody in high school would say was i was in high school when i did it it's actually more fun if you take it seriously oh really open your mouth let me put my cock in it oh really oh is it really eat fucking four donuts the fuck out of here ew what the fuck is this that's sillness at that sillness that's sillness I had a dream I

gave Chris D'Elia a blowjob in a cemetery what does that guy mean under it you mean oh one tweet and that's what it is say yeah oh the creepiest shit ever and it's a fucking even this is even more creepy the profile picture is of a tummy and under it some guy tweeted it said you were a contact for me so who are you

well cole cole mccallister at draacova 302 congratulations you're friends with the creep you have somebody's phone number what oh yeah yeah yeah for sure so hoping it's a chick trying to get some puss let's try and get some fucking pussy it said you're a contact for me so what's up is that is that your tummy i got a buddy who loves like girls with fit tummies and it makes me mad i like it too but it's like relax bro we all like that okay he's like i just want to grow as a fit tummy oh man oh really dude oh you're so different Hey really? Jesus Christ is a fucking Nice guy Um Nah fucking

Skipped that one Anyway I think I'm gonna to fucking skip that one. Anyway, I think I'm going to be done. You guys, Square Cash. Have you switched yet? Download the free Square Cash app. Enter rewards code congrats. Get $5 and give $5 to Time's Up.

Get it for iOS or Android now. Remember to check out this week's Blue Apron menu and get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash congrats that that's not that was not part of it but you know what do it anyway that was a free fucking thing for blue apron one fire you get the fuck ups to one fire left it in the fucking copy

congratulations blue apron this is why his name is one fire by the way i should expose you right now so you get awful tweets um follow the leader my tour is on sale buy tickets at crystalia.com in a few weeks we're gonna do the third and fourth leg i think there's gonna be um uh yeah i got a bunch of eugene o, Sacramento, Red Bank, New Jersey, Lincoln, Reno, Las Vegas, Mashantucket, Houston, Hampton Beach, Dallas, Portland, Maine. Look at all of them. It's Portland, Maine, but I am doing Portland, Oregon coming up.

Subscribe to the YouTube channel and download the Crystalia app. We just went live on the first 10 minutes. You can see the podcast first before anyone else does. Before anyone else does, you'll see it live as it's happening. You'll see if there's any oopsies. You know what really helps? Rate and reviewing the show. Tweet me.

So do that. Rate or review the show on iTunes. That would be really cool of you. Thank you, babies. Tweet me by using the handle at congratspod. Okay, my babies? Video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Very cool, my babies.

You can watch Man on Fire, White Male Black Comic, Incorrigible. Those are my specials, my babies? Video episodes go up Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Very cool, my babies. You can watch Man on Fire, White Male Black Comic, Incorrigible. Those are my specials, my babies. And I'm going to be on season three of what's it called coming out soon, Alone Together. And you can check out my episode of Something's Burning on YouTube with Bert Kreischer and Bobby Lee. Thank you for listening, everybody. And remember, this is Ham-berican Idol. Thank you.