Congratulations with Chris D'Elia - 69. Get With The Program

Episode Date: May 21, 2018

It's the 69th episode! On today's show, Chris talks about Nate Dogg. Also discussed: the royal wedding, church, 69 jokes, Rob Gronkowski, and graduation speeches. Plus, we name a new elder. Tweet your questions and spread the love using the hashtag #congratulationspod on Twitter and everywhere else, and don't forget to rate, review, listen on iTunes, Google, Spotify, Stitcher, or your favorite podcast app. For the true babies: Merchandise: https://store.chrisdelia.com Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdelia/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/chrisdelia Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/chrisdeliaofficial/ YouTube Subscribe: http://bit.ly/2rA0sI0 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Dude, it's episode 69. You know what that means? It's a sucking dick and eating pussy episode. That's what you do. You fucking flip around. You put faces in each other's privates. So now I realize I lost a bunch of you already. You know, if you're tuning in and you're Mormon

and you're listening to the podcast right now, you go like this. Nope. And you click it off. But that's fine. I don't want those people as a part of this cult. I want true believers of the hedonistic lifestyle. And I want people who are going to help spread the word

and build this cult. Because I'll tell you one thing man every episode is growing at an exponential rate we're getting more and more listeners and more and more members of the cult and this is the time to hit it hard you might be like oh this is the time to back off this is the time you know

let the fruits of our labor take into effect. But no, we need you more than ever. We need you now to spread the word even harder. You double down, you double it. You keep doubling until to kill me. I'm going to double it. And then to take that, I'm going to double it. This is when you go all in, dude. This is when you take the money and you double it and you go in harder to make even more money. But this isn't about money, dude. This is about living a hedonistic lifestyle. This is about the congratulations call.

This is about making sure all the kudas are outside and hirka gunk. That's what it is. I'm sitting here with one fire and I haven't get rid of another. Dude, one fire has been here a few weeks in a row now, I don't know what's going on, dude, he doesn't, I don't know what's going on, dude, by the way, if you really genuinely think 69 jokes are funny, you're fucking, like, grow up, if you're over 11 and think they're funny, grow up, If you're over 11 and think they're funny, grow up. And you're not fucking Gronk or whatever the fuck that guy's name is, Gronkowski.

Did you see the video of him shooting that big-ass gun that belongs on a fucking Jeep? On the top of a Jeep or under a helicopter? And he's just holding it and he's, eh, bitch, and insecure. Dude, you can't hold a Gatling gun and not be insecure because it's heavy even for him. And he could lift four thousand pounds. So this is what is up, dude. Congratulations. Episode 69.

Dude, I can't believe we're, you know what I mean? We're at the second Dick and Ian Pussy episode, man. It's immature. Rob Gronkowski firing Gatling gun. Very cool New England Patriots. That's what the fucking YouTube video is called. Safarian. Rob Gronkowski firing Gatling gun.

Very cool New England New Patriots. Hey, Borat wrote it. Is this Borat's YouTube channel? Rob Gronkowski firing Gatling gun. Very cool. New England Patriots. Let me tell you another thing that's not funny anymore. Anyone doing a Borat impression?

Grow up. Grow up. Grow the fuck up. Only person who should do it is Sacha Baron Cohen. That shit was hilarious. Must be hard for him now because everybody knows who he is but um anyway okay so i was in eugene oregon or oregon i don't know how the fuck to call it oregon oregon oregon i'm from the east coast so i probably say oregon

um and then uh look at somebody by the way I'm live on my app. And somebody just comments, you have a very strong neck. Thanks, I guess, but like I don't think I do. Actually, let me get through before I talk about this past weekend. Let me go through some of the dates I got. My Vancouver show sold out in a mere few hours. And I'm adding another one, okay? But listen, I want – I'm adding – be on the lookout for this link because I'm adding another show, and it's going to sell out again. So if you really want to go, be on the lookout for the link.

I'm adding shows because the first one sold out. I got Ottawa, Ontario, London. I think London, Ontario sold out. got ottawa ontario london i think london ontario sold out i'm not sure you got to go now to get these tickets buffalo new york burlington vermont philadelphia washington new york new york montclair new jersey hometown show portland snow qualmy which is near seattle vancouver i'm going to add the other one, Miami, West Palm Beach, Jacksonville, Atlanta, that's for sure going to sell out, Los Angeles, San Francisco will, Boston, I'm doing two there, they're almost sold out, Fresno, Bakersfield, Austin, San Antonio.

So go get your tickets now, don't sleep on it, you know what I mean? And then I have other ones coming up too, but those sooner in midwest city dallas portland maine um so yeah so that's the fucking let's get a little business out of the way i hate that shit i know i told you last episode you know let's get some let's pay some bills let's get some of the oh shit man everybody's so goddamn important you know that's the thing we don't know we think we're not important so you gotta fucking cram it down people's throats that were important that's what it is and that's what you have to keep doing and that's very sad it's very very sad um so i was in uh sacramento every time i was in eugene oregon first of all but i did a show one show in eugene

oregon was cool um and i can't tell this is what eugene oregon is like i can't tell if people are there are people are homeless or just super cool and swagged out some of these people are so like dressed so like i don't give a fuck but also like kind of in a way to where they might be homeless or seriously they might be the illest guy in Eugene, Oregon. Like I, there were, there was some of it was like, Oh, that guy is he swagged the fuck out? Maybe. But then why has he been there for eight hours outside? Like, that's what it was like.

And then there was like some square that one of the guys drove by and there were just these fucking hippie people that were like, some were like young, like twenties and some were like in their 60s and they were just like they were playing loud music in this square and just dancing like get a job what are you doing go see a movie hey dude fucking rampage is out go what are you dancing in a square for oh man it's just like society how my how annoying is it how how like how many fucking people people with so many clothes talk about society so much people who have multiple layers on are always like, dude, it's because society just, go see Rampage. You can't, it's like I watched that Fahrenheit 451. I watched half of it before I fell asleep.

No knock on the movie. I was just really tired. And Michael Basketball Jordan is in it. And I was watching Fahrenheit 451. And it's like, dude, the Michael Shannon guy, who's awesome, he was like, you know, it's about they burn all the books and shit. But he's like, but you got to read all the books to know. It's like to know your enemy. Like, that's what you got to do. If you're a hippie, go see Rampage. Otherwise, you can't be a hippie.

Society, bro. Really? Take some of those coats off, take off that fucking bandana, that's like long around the back of your fucking shoulder blades too, like your Rambo, go see Rampage, go see fucking Phantom Quilt or whatever the fuck that movie is phantom thread go see fucking any movie with the rock in it you ain't no hippie um so they were dancing around being fucking idiots saying just doing whatever the fuck they want to do fine cool you can do it it's free frickin' conch, but go see Rampage. It's frickin' conch, but get tickets.

Get pre-sold tickets to Skyscraper. I love how The Rock is, man, because here's the thing. Everyone, when the Skyscraper preview came out, The Rock, everyone was like yeah um um i love how people try to be smug and they're like um remind reminds me of die hard um hello like the movie first when it was called die hard and and the rock was like well we were influenced by the movie die hard the rock just is like fuck you we were influenced by the movie die hard that's why obviously he actually said obviously in one of an instagram post he was like yeah we were obviously in we were inspired by the movie die hard yeah dude that's how you do it every movie was already made man we talked about the

fucking avengers and the justice league shit every movie was already made in the past year. They made the same movie again. Remember when that movie Volcano came out and then they came out with the movie Dante's Peak? Like eight months later? They were like, oh yeah, they made a Volcano movie. Let's get Pierce Brosnan in and make our own. Eh. Pierce Brosnan.

Dude, if you make a movie, you can make it again with Pierce Brosnan in it. And call it something else. You could be the Avengers and then you could be like the super – you could have another movie called like Superhumans and just have Pierce Brosnan play all the parts and people will go see it. It won't make as much money, but it would make like $14 million. million dollars um uh anyway uh so i was in eugene and then um i mean you know sometimes i don't say i'm gonna say shit that doesn't make sense that's how it is i'm not curbing what the fuck i'm saying the pierce brosnan thing didn't make much sense but i fucking kind of believe it i need the fucking pillow. Yeah, Pierce. Yeah.

Anyway, fucking fuck it. You know, you guys are with me till the end. You ride with me, motherfuckers. So what do you call? I was in Eugene and then I went to Sacramento. And every time I say Sacramento, every time I would say Sacramento, I think Dr. Dre saying Sacramento, where you at? I would say Sacramento, I think Dr. Dre saying, Sacramento, where you at? And I always, when

I was a kid in 1997, I would always think, I would always do this. One time I did this to my friend Brandon, and I would say like, why did you say Sacramento, where you at? And I would say, um, did anyone check Sacramento? And he laughed so hard, and it was so dumb. It's such a bad joke.

But, uh, he laughed hard in Zion, was so dumb it's such a bad joke but uh he laughed hard and i and i liked that cute um so uh so i was in sacramento and let me tell you man when i was in sacramento uh it was for sure uh graduation time and you never know what it's going to be like when you by the way whenever you get you're a, you get into one of these cities, there's always something going on. And it's annoying as shit because you want to be the only person that's in town. And you want people to just be like, oh, we got to go to the Chris D'Elia show or whatever the fuck, whoever you are.

And there's always something like the NHL playoffs or some Gasparilla Festival of Pirates. And this was like graduation. I don't know what the fuck. Sacramento University or whatever the fuck's up there. Some bullshit. Sacramento State University. University of Sacramento State.

University of the Lands. Fucking some bullshit. fucking some bullshit. And I got there and it was like 4 billion kids that were like 20 right around the hotel I was staying at. Just billions, billions and billions of adolescents swarming the Kempton Hotel because they graduated. swarming the Kempton Hotel because they graduated and billions of students inside one nucleus, Sacramento University. Billions of students, which are even more so billions and billions and trillions than the billions of follicles on my head.

Billions and billions of classes that don't matter. Because when you grow up. They will never ever ever. Ever ever. Have anything to do with real life. You can take a math class. And learn about imaginary numbers. And billions and billions of times. Will it never matter.

Because imaginary numbers. Are numbers that are not there and the audacity for some mathematician hundreds and billions of years ago to come up with something called imaginary numbers should make him burned at the stake billions and billions of times for billions of hours more so than the billions of follicles on my head. Because I have so much hair for some reason, even though I'm billions and billions of years old. And billions of hairs should have fell out, because Crystal is 38 and his hairline is thinning. And it's not fair that mine isn't and his is, even though he's 38 and I'm billions and billions of years old. And I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson, even though my name should just be Neil Tyson.

Because deGrasse isn't a middle name. It's a show with Drake on it. When he was 14. And now I'm billions and billions of years older than 14. It would be like if my middle name was saved by the bell. It would be like if my middle name was saved by the bell it would be like if my name was was neil full house tyson or but it's not it's neil it's neil degrasse tyson even though that

was a show with drake in a wheelchair how come no one's ever mentioned that hey neil degrasse tyson your middle name is the show drake was on ah um so i was in there and it was fucking graduation time and these kids dude look i didn't graduate college because doesn't matter to put it simple, and I don't mean to make these kids flunk out, but dud meh. You know? It's all good. Look, if you want to be a doctor or a fucking scientist or a, you know, and those matter a lot. And if you want to be a mathematician, dud meh. But go to school.

But if you want to be something else, dud meh. but go to school. But if you want to be something else, dud meh. Drop out mead. Drop out mead. Okay? P. Diddy is fucking rich as shit. I don't think you went to college.

People dropped out. I dropped out. I'm doing well. Of course I fucking tell dick jokes on stage. Anyway, so I was there and it was so and the kids were and I was like walking around. I was like, oh, no, they're going to say some shit and then they're going to want four thousand billions and billions of selfies with a with a C-list comedian. 4,000, billions and billions of selfies with a, with a C-list comedian. And, uh, uh, and so one kid saw me and he was like, but he was in a car, so he wouldn't get out. And I was like, oh, fuck.

Yeah. He was like, Chris D'Elia. And I was like, yeah. And he points at me and he says, I graduated today. And I was like, ah congratulations man dead man and i kept walking and i went and got a and i got a coffee and then some fucking really like sweaty guy came in and he was like oh my god and looked at me and i know what he was doing because he was like what the fuck am i doing here and then he stared at me for so long and I didn't look at him on purpose because I'm not a painting.

I'm a purse. And he goes, oh, my God. And he did it again. And I fucking stayed real. I stayed gangster, dude. I didn't fucking look. I'm a hot chick in this situation, bro. Stop perving.

Stop perving. Stop perving. And so finally he said, Chris Aaliyah? And I said, hey, man, what's up? And he said, do you mind if I get a picture? I said, as long as you stop staring at me. Now, ultimate, dude, now I didn't even mean a casual slam like that, but I fucking did casually slam him, you know? So I was like, it was like one of those fucking, he was like, this is what, in my head it went like this. Hold on.

In my head it went like this. I need a soundboard, bro. Where's the song, dude? Are you kidding kidding me they don't have it on itunes oh man how can itunes not have a fucking song here that i need he was like he was like um he was like uh this is so dumb not even worth it he was like hey uh he was like hey can i get a picture and i was like as long as you stop staring at me he was like, hey, can I get a picture? And I was like, as long as you stop staring at me. And he came over and then said, not worth it.

And then he came over. It took so long to get it. I mean, nobody even who listens to podcasts podcasts even know what the fuck that song is even though i have 17 million video of views dude who listens to fucking music on youtube that's weird bro that's weird Weird. One time, my friend was telling me that he had a doorman at his hotel, at his, where he lived, an apartment. And he would say, got any good new, any new YouTubes? Any good new YouTubes? That was at the place, right? He'd be like, any good YouTubes?

Like it's a fucking, like it's a brand of candy. Do you guys have any YouTubes? Like it's a brand of candy. Do you guys have any YouTubes? It has to do with who uploads it, not YouTube. Do you guys watch Cobra Kai? No? Cool. Do you guys watch Cobra Kai? Do you guys watch 50-year-old guys who have a beef to when they were 12?

Do you watch that? 40 years ago and then today? Did you watch it? No? Cool. So anyway, dude, you know what song I was listening to, though? This shit. I fucking love doing this podcast, man.

We fly by the seat of our pants. We should talk about Nate Dogg, dude. How fucking awesome was Nate Dogg dog nobody does it like him even still you have pussies out there like chris brown and shit that's just like i love you oh oh i love dude i played this song this song came on in my car you ever have a song that come on comes on in your car and you're just like oh fuck yeah i forgot about this being a song okay Ow! Okay. A ballad about his homies.

I mean, dude, it's ass-a-basic, first of all, but it's so dope that he sings it. Fuck you other R&B motherfuckers. This is why this shit is real. Say what you want about fucking R. Kelly pissing on 14 year olds, but his shit was real specific. Be specific, dude. But this shit is basic, but also specific.

Because he's just talking about a general song about his homies doing a ballad, but he's just not trying to glorify it, dude. He's talking, me and my homies, look. We gonna kick it like every day. Basic. Basic. Eh.

Eh. I didn't know that. Now I do. It's not common knowledge. It's the basics. So lazy. So lazy. I'm alone in my room.

Yeah, get friends. I have no one to talk to. There we go. Okay. He's got demons. That's my favorite part. That's my favorite part, dude. After I smoke a joint.

And then he goes, come on. Listen. Like he's feeling it. There you go. He was getting mad alone in his room, by the way, keeping his temper low. He parlays with his friends. Oh, yes, there is. You can go outside. And then back to it, dude.

Me and my homies love. There's really no out. Every day. I do now, dude. By the way, the whole song is him being alone in his room. And then he talks about me and my homies. Look, we're going to kick it like every day. Is it in his head?

That would even be the best, bro. If we found out that his whole world was in his head, like one of those fucking beautiful movies. Just singing it, dude. Nobody did it like Nate Dogg. For real. Like every day. Like maybe that's like every now and then. Oh, and who's in it?

And who's in it, dude? Who's? Who made it better, dude? It was already amazing. And then fucking with his choppy ass voice dude no rapper today says recollect you fucking bitches that's so fucking

let me tell you something man these fucking six nine takashi whatever the fuck his name is hey put word put letters in a different order and also look my homeboys scandalous i'm sorry he's the way he says Rick dude I can't get through a podcast without talking about Tupac dude this is the

this might be the greatest song that has ever been made dude I mean come on it starts off me and my homies we gon' kick it like every day I mean, come on. It starts off, me and my homies love We gon' kick it like every

day when I'm alone in my room Hit 12 There's nowhere else to go Can literally go anywhere After I smoke a joint, come on

Like he's the fucking, like he's two guys in the temptation he's doing his part and another part after I smoke a joint come on right here I love how Tupac goes he always does a few syllables before he starts

right here He always does a few syllables before he starts. Right here. Pretty extreme, huh? Pretty extreme. I love that they made a ballad to their fucking homeboys. That's so awesome dude and now hip-hop is so i mean come on dude i when that song came on in my you ever have that song though and it might not be it doesn't have to be hip-hop you know and maybe it's a maybe it's a bad song but it reminds you of what the fuck you know what another one of that oh it's always a nate dogs how about this one dude what was the one wait what was the one with snoop dog where the

fucking one where he did uh oh fuck what was it uh uh that's it never leave this oh dude nate dog if you don't know who nate dog is first of all he r.i.p Oh, dude, Nate Dogg. If you don't know who Nate Dogg is, first of all, R.I.P. Dude, Nate Dogg just sung shit. I feel like he would just be like, what are we singing about today? And they'd be like, I don't know. How about you're in your room? And he was just like, got it.

When I'm alone in my room. And then never, how about a girl that you like, Never Leave Me Alone. This song. It's L.O.T. Listen. Tell me that temptation. I mean, this guy, dude. Unbelievable.

Yep. This part. Spelled it. Baby. There's one part where he goes, baby. This is a good song, dude. Fuck you. And then back to the.

Heh. Dude. Baby. That's the part. Back to the... Heck. Dude. Baby. That's the part. Dude. I'm sorry, man, but this guy was the realest, man. God, Nate Dogg was the shit. Me.

Me and my homies, look. we gonna kick it like every day Pavarotti and him oh dude if he did a song with Pavarotti I'd rip my dick off and eat it straight up oh my god oh my god um wow i i fucking rest in peace nate dog man i miss that i miss that sound nobody has that sound anymore all right look time for some ads and if you're a real baby, dude, you'll listen to these ads, dude. Okay. You heard about this thing called honey. You'd never turned down free money, right? Well, would you turn down free money? You got no brain. Well, look, if you shop online without the best coupons, you're already paying too much. Fortunately, there's a free browser extension called Honey that automatically finds the best coupons on the web so you always get the best prices on everything online. These

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Breakfast in my bed and it hurts you up my head. You know what I'm sick of? Those fucking Rosa Parks shirts where it has the quote on the shirt and it says nah. And then under it says Rosa Parks 19 whatever.

No. Dude, let me tell you something, man. If I did something so fucking important, like stood up to white supremacists as a black person and shaped the way time went for the next however many years. And someone, some white fucking idiot bastardized my quote into nah and made it so fucking – there are shirts that say nah in quotes and then under it say Rosa Parks 19 whatever it was that she didn't want to get off – didn't want to go to the back of the bus. Dude, and then a white asshole is going to fucking. She didn't say nah. Taking a real situation and making it cute like that drives me up the fucking wall, dude. And it's white people that have that. and it's white people that have that I'm so sick of white people

doing the shit that they think is right and being cute about it I see ya get out of the car all this shit man about I saw a girl hey we can't I retweeted it we can't talk about

ban father's day because of the fucking ban father's day because of you know, it makes kids who grew up with two mothers feel bad. Ah.

Shut the fuck up. Does it? No, it doesn't. If you're a kid, if you're seven and you're like, oh yeah, you know, father, oh, he made you feel bad who gives a fuck who cares what about if you got two fucking dads bad mother's day no it's just a day you don't fucking celebrate who cares dude

so many feelings in this fucking world. How about this? Nah. Chris D'Elia, 2018. It's so annoying, dude. People like, these people just pretending that they give a shit or just letting it, getting all mixed up in the fucking sauce. And then just feeling, oh, yeah, we can't say, we can't say. I was listening to this.

I was reading the article, the Jordan Peterson article, about how he was, like, talking about how somebody felt uncomfortable because they were on this email chain. We couldn't talk about flip charts because flip was a derogatory name for filipinos it's a flip chart it still means flip still means flip i can do a flip right now it doesn't mean it doesn't mean just because i do a flip i hate filipino people what the fuck dude if you say flip chart and you're a filipino person and you feel bad and uncomfortable because somebody said flip chart, go home. When I'm alone in my room with nobody to talk to, it's because I feel bad somebody said flip chart.

Come on. Come on. Come on, dude. Get with the, you know what, dude? Get with the fucking program. Get with the program. Hey, open that door, dude, and let the dogs in. Get with the program. That's what it is.

Hey, Sam Butters, come here. Just let him in, not him. Get with the program. Get with it, dude. This is, hey, this is earth. This is how earth goes, man. Sometimes you get your feelings hurt, and you know what? That's okay.

It's okay. You know what it is too. It's either, I love how like there are, there are like with this feminism thing, there was like, it's, it's so weird how like people find their identity in it if you find your identity in any in any cause i always feel like it's kind of like oh you're not a real person and maybe that's a fault with me but like if you find in your identity through all of this shit that's that's going on in the world and having it affect you and and and and having your identity as this look i think men and women should be treated equal

period there's just no question about that okay but when you're it's like my buddy who says he's a fucking animal lover. It's like, all right, dude, talk about some other stuff. Don't fucking find your identity through all of it. None of this shit matters. Anyway,

we're all going to die. We're on a fucking when, you know what I mean? Like humans don't matter, dude when you know what i mean like humans don't matter dude you know what ask a fucking tornado some morbid but also it's like uh uh it's it's so hard to find like like these chicks who post on Instagram with their fucking ass out and like these quote unquote hot chicks. It's like, you know what?

Fucking unless they're like riding the feminism wave because it's very popular right now to be outspoken about it. outspoken about it like the only the only people like you'll never see like unless they're just riding the wave and don't really feel that way there are no like like super fucking slamming girls that are like all for feminism because they're they're they're like they know that they can get shit with their looks dude you know like if you're if you're fucking uh angelina jolie who's beautiful but she's already made it and she already got all of the things life has to offer so she doesn't you know but like if like take that woman fucking 20 years old they're thoughting it out right now they're thoughting it out on instagram because they know what they can get when they show their fucking pussy. So it's like the fucking women that can't get this shit like that, that are like frumped out, that are like, feminism.

There's so many. There's obviously exceptions. There's obviously fucking exceptions. And I'm sure people think I'm a fucking asshole for saying this. But, dude. Like, and, you know, I got a buddy who disagrees with me on this. And he's like, oh, you know, but you can show your pussy and still be like, oh, but women's equal rights. And it's like, yeah, okay, fine, sure. But let's not discount that that's confusing as shit.

Let's not discount that that's more confusing than the movie The Fucking Snowman. You ever see that movie? Hey, didn't know what was going on. I don't know if I'm articulating this correctly, but like, and by no means am I not saying like, dude. correctly but like and by no means am i not saying like dude you do it also it's like you know everyone should be equal black white fucking asian man woman but like come on get with the program that's what it is if you're a feminist and you're saying oh women are equal and don't treat women like a fucking piece of meat don't pose like you're in a meat locker get with the program there's a program here there is a fucking, his penis goes horizontal.

When a guy sees cleavage, his penis goes horizontal. That's it. Sometimes it goes all the way perpendicular. That's it. It's nobody's fault. Snitch. It's nobody's fault. It's fucking nature. Okay okay so let's stop acting like the guy is the devil for that the horns aren't on top of his head the horn is one and right above his balls he's not the devil dude he's just a being he's being a fucking guy that's okay one time i was walking this was in sacramento this was years ago i was walking down the street and this really pretty girl walked by and i checked her out because man human and she was hot and i turned around and i looked at her

because wanted to see the back of her like a creep, like a doggone creep. Couldn't even help myself. Didn't even realize I did it. And then this next lady who was walking down the street that had nothing to do with that lady or me said, Oh, come on, gross. And I looked at her and I said, fuck you. Get out of here. Get with the program. That's how it is. That's how it is.

I wasn't disrespecting the girl. I wasn't walking by like a millennial squiggy like, hey, look at her go. I wasn't doing that. I was doing all the things that men do that they can't help themselves. God, dude, we're going to fucking, it's like that South Park episode where the guys are hooked up with their dicks in the fucking pumpers and they're just getting their cum sucked out of the pumpers. That's an episode of South Park. I just saw an image of it, but it was fucking funny and creepy. But dude dude, I just, it's like, like I said, it's hard to do the right thing. It's easy to thought it out and be like, here's my tits and pussy and also, but also, hey, guys, no, don't treat me like that. Feminism, yeah, all right. But get with the program, dude.

but get with the program, dude. I don't know, man. It's like everybody's under attack. Everybody's under attack. Everybody. There isn't a person that's not under attack. The white guy wasn't under attack for years and years and years historically, and now the white guy's under attack. Everybody's under attack. Everybody was under attack. And now white guys are under attack.

That's everybody. That's everybody. They were the last one. And now if you're, Hey, shut up, shut the fuck up. Shut up, dogs. Shut up. Shut up. I fucking said, shut up. Shut the fuck up. Hey man, I'm not telling you again, Sam. Sure. Sam, be quiet, dude. So that's... So anyway, I don't know. My dogs interrupted me. Probably they were trying to probably save me

because they knew I was going to say something dumb. But yeah, everyone's under attack. So let's just relax. Realize what it is. Let's stop doing the things that are actually terrible. Like calling, hey guys!

Come here! Jesus Christ, man. Sorry. Let's start actually doing i gotta fucking make these dogs go outside when i do my podcast now let's start let's stop doing the things that actually matter um like fucking like hey white people stop calling the cops on black people, not doing anything like that shit is bad. But. You know, it's like, fuck. You're going to try to take the the word his out of history.

Say when people call it her story her story it's a fucking new it's a word of its own his story I guess it does come from his story huh whatever I don't know

I'm fucking so sweaty now I don't know. I'm fucking so sweaty now. I don't think I... I think the problem is I can't listen to Nate Dog while I'm fucking... while I'm doing this shit. It's because the Arrowhead Water guy fucking came here, right?

Fucking. Fuck. I don't know what it is, but here's something about me, man. When something happens that's... like... like that my dog started barking because the arrowhead water guy is here and it ruined the podcast

for a little bit and now I'm screaming at my dogs instead of making the point I'm trying to make which is fine you what you see is what you get you get this shit this is how it is it's raw and uncut this fucking congratulations shit my dogs bark and you guys get to see what it's like. And that's the charm of it, man.

But I get mad at the Arrowhead guy. Like now I'm angry at him and I think, fuck him. And he didn't do anything wrong. He literally didn't do anything wrong. See, and this is a shortcoming I have because now I'm pissed at that guy. When nothing happened, you know, nothing nothing he didn't do anything intentional but i and now if i saw him like if i went down there if i had to stop the podcast i went down there i would i would go out there with some attitude i'd be like hey man what's up dude and he literally is only delivering the water that i fucking ordered that's a bad is, is anybody else like that? I'm like that. I don't

want any, I want everything to be everyone else's fault. It's so fucked. It really is. If I lose something, I'm like, where's the thing? It was when my mom came over, she fucking put it somewhere and it's me. I put it and then I find it. It's my car. I was like, oh yeah, I remember I put it there and I'm mad at my mom and then i'm still mad at my mom when i found it and i know it was my fault i'm like well my mom moves a lot of shit though hey she shouldn't do it and then i'm like well she that's why i'm like this because she moves shit and now i'm fucking pissed doesn't take into account that she didn't move all the other shit that the times that it did happen how fucked up are we you got to realize that about yourself though. That's step one. I've

been on step one, by the way, for 38 years. You know how they're like, well, the first step is recognizing it. Yeah. What the fuck is step two, by the way, fixing it? Or is that like step seven? What is it? What's step two? Step one is realizing that that's the problem nobody ever gets past step one well the first step is realizing that you have a problem the only people who get past certain steps are alcoholics there's like 12 steps right but for for anything else it's like oh yeah well i fucking blame shit on other people that's step one realized it what's step two uh i don't know it's still everyone else's fault but i know that i'd think that hey but everybody's under attack is what i'm trying to say the mob that comes after you on twitter is just insane

that's the most insane thing yo just put them outside you know where the key is all right um see now i'm mad at the dogs and i and i want to i want to fucking yell at them ah man that's a problem i think i'm i hope i you guys are getting the real deal today. That's all right, though, man. You know, some episodes are different than others. You're getting the fucking real deal right now. It all started with the fucking graduation shit, man. Don't graduate.

Ceremonies, you know? Ceremonies are fucking bullshit. Any ceremonies. Oh, graduation. ceremonies you know ceremonies are fucking bullshit any ceremonies oh graduation give me the fucking diploma or whatever give me the credits i'll go get a job you got to wear a fucking gown dude you got to wear a fucking dumb pizza box pizza box hat and then nowadays you can't even throw the hats up because they'll poke people's eyes out and shit oh shit oh fucking shit when i'm alone in my room that's so annoying dude i don't want to dude when i graduated high school guess what it was the most boring shit i've ever done and the valedictorian speaks aka the most boring person in high school

and every every speech 95 of speeches are always like this for the future. For today. For when we went where. Out there in the real world. We all started. Dude, I want to go to graduations now. And when people start doing fucking speeches like that, I want to go like this.

Make it better! Let's get with the program! Woo-hoo! And people are like, what the fuck? Is that the guy from Undateable? Come on, baby! Let's fucking do it better! And if it's a dude, I want to be like,

do a dance! Fucking do some comedy, bro. Show me your fucking cock. Let's get it going. Dude, if you're going to fucking get me, if it's a chick, show us some titties. Just so disrespectful. This fucking sucks. That's what I want to do at graduations all of them i want to go to harvard and be like you guys are tomorrow and this sucks fuck ceremonies dude

unhinged dude just like am i required to wear a fucking robe dude nah chrystalia 2018 i'm oh you gotta wear the fucking graduation hat oh now you get to put the tassel on the other side you graduated oh really fuck my whole mouth instead it's so annoying ceremonies dude no no no no no no no no well we use the how about when they talk about how they are going to use the tools they learned that's the worst when they find like a cute way to say things and then they just keep running with it every graduation ceremony of all time we learned the tools that we have so we can be prepared to prepare for life and out there in the real world we can apply those tools and there's diarrhea running down my leg now. That would be the best.

Oh, my God. Like the tools you use. I hate when people talk about the tools. I think I did it on my last special. The tools you use. Oh, yeah, I did. You know what are tools? Tools.

Here are tools tools here are tools a wrench a screwdriver forceps and a hammer okay you're not using the tools that you learned to get through life because you're not a fucking carpenter okay you know what you're using lessons now take off the fucking robe. Oh, fuck. Hey, here's a ceremony that fucking sucks donkey balls. The royal wedding. Oh, my God, dude. I watched five minutes of that at the airport and was bored. I watched five minutes of that at the airport and was bored. Dude, how do you watch something at the airport and it's not better than just sitting around at your gate?

Dude, if I was that guy, who was the prince and then the, what's his name? Henry? Harry? Of course it's Harry, you know? If I was him, oh bro. I want to go, George Clooney went, you know? know how hilarious is that i wanted to be at that royal wedding and the guys from suits went the that because markle or whatever was on suits or something oh sick fucking kiss my ass dude what is this world man even the even the shit that's tradition somebody was like no you should

watch it it's tradition oh what you know what happens change you know what sucks tradition that sucks all of tradition sucks because things change if you're doing a tradition traditions you know what should traditions should last 15 years that's how long a tradition should last and then you got to get a new tradition because

things change how about the fucking catholic church ever and ever stop talk to me i've got a penis hat it goes all the way up above my head i am inside of a glass box when we go on parades so nobody shoots me the the the the idea that somebody is going to shoot me and there's a huge risk about me going out in public is screams that there's a fucking problem with this anyway

maybe there shouldn't be something like this and we should all stop being so fucking molestian catholic maybe I shouldn't wear tablecloths around my neck maybe I shouldn't wear such white cloak stuff because it reminds everybody of the KKK everything is exactly the same no matter what you know

if you have to ride in a glass case on a road where people are watching you, the problem is not the people that are going to shoot you. The problem is you. Dude, I can walk down. Everybody I know can walk down streets without having a glass case around them. Because they're not a problem. And Mr. Truer, should I have a spoke? I mean, dude, you know what else sucks?

Garb. Put on jeans. Tradition sucks, dude. All of it. All of it. Get with the program. Fucking, you know, Kentucky Derby bullshit with their fucking hats that you can create a city on what is this a fucking you put it on your head or is it Sim City

I want to go to a Kentucky Derby and have a fucking hat with a big cock on it with a big cock like with balls and they're hairy and just and cheer for horses and be like oh isn't this beautiful and and with gloves on and shit and people are like you're disrespectful and i'm like no this whole thing is disrespectful to horses you know you're watching them run around in a fucking circle you rich fuck oh man dude it's amazing feelings fuck everything up they make the world change so fast and the internet made it happen even faster because feelings now it it just it fucked everything up remember in like the 50s people would just be like walk it off or swallow it and now it's just well let's talk about it oh really let's talk about it let's talk about it for five minutes how about that let's not talk about it

constantly all the time online let's come up with a goddamn solution well the first step is realizing you have a what's the second step what's the goddamn second step the fucking royal wedding i mean you know megan markel how about i mean just stepped in shit dude you know stepped in shit how did she meet that guy anyway way uh a blind date princes are going on blind dates the fuck dude i want get tinder i want i want to be a prince so i could get on bumble and people always think it's a fake account and then i'd be like dude what if prince harry was on tinder just swap swap left fuck it don't like her don't like her she's a bit flat, isn't she? Just being so shitty. I like girls that have more

in our glass figure. She looks like a board, does she not? She's a little bit just like so, like... How about that fucking girl that was like... Oh, I don't know. Megangan markle is that her name and she and she's like half black or something right and then some people are like oh no it's tainting the fucking like how can people be so racist somebody tweeted some asshole tweeted um hello there's not you can't buy class and put a picture between of her next to uh the other one who married the other one um and uh and it was uh

and it was like they both looked gorgeous but her point was that megan markle didn't look as good as the other one who was the other wife queen kate middleton there it is katie hopkins no competition you can't buy class they both look fucking stunning and her point is is that kate middleton looks better because she's white i guess and then there's somebody go ahead somebody fucking wrote under the tweet you would know and then posted a picture of her with a dick for her nose and balls on her chin the internet you know how can you how can i just don't understand how people can be so unabashedly racist I just don't understand how people can be so unabashedly racist. Anyway.

This fucking shit went off the rails. I haven't... But the royal wedding is boring as fuck. Is there a guy that watched the royal wedding, by the way? Do guys watch that shit or do just women watch it with their hands on their fucking chest just like oh oh my god he bit his lip he bit his lower lip he's not man and prince harry he's not he's not a bad looking guy but it's amazing how much looks don't matter to chicks. I mean, it matters up to a point.

You know what was so funny to me was David Beckham when people were like, man, you can't allow a guy with this much sauce to come to your own wedding. God, that guy is a fucking stud, huh? He barely seems like this, eh? That guy's a stud, and then he's like, Hi, how's it going? I'm David Beckham. But he's a stud, though, dude.

Anytime anyone wears a double-breasted thing, no, they look fucking horrible. That's so British to wear a double-breasted thing. And tails, eh? I mean, so handsome so handsome god that guy dude if i was that guy bro if i was that guy i'd have all of the stds i'd be in jail i mean i'd be like, I can't do that. Look at me. I can't have that. I took it. Just stealing shit from like families. Just, I wanted the sandwich.

So I went in the house and I got a sandwich. Well, you can't do that. Well, you're going to, why not? You want tickets to the gang? Yeah. All right, I'll get you set up. I'm just going to go take that sandwich to the cops. Okay. Dude, I would be in jail i would be like i wouldn't even understand if i was that good looking with that

much money i would be like on the stand be like i would admit everything well i killed i killed him why oh he was annoying the shit out of me well you can't do that what do you mean he was saying the same thing over and over again and and I kept giving him the same answer. It was annoying as shit, so I fucking strangled him. And he'd be like, well, you're going to go to jail for a long time. I'd be like, you want tickets to the game? I mean, we'd love to see you play, but, well, I'll just set you up. Okay, well, I mean, that's what I would think would happen if I was that guy.

The fact that David Beckham is such a world-class guy, and, like, that's amazing. Him and his wife are the shit, you know? Does he cheat? He's got to. Sorry. Dude, his wife's got to understand. If he cheats, yeah, couldn't help it, you know?

There were 40 women. They were all 10s. They were all trying to suck me cock. Took it out and just, like, came all over them. But you can't do that. Why not? Have you seen me? Look at my bank account.

Got a lot of talent. What's the problem? I mean, I guess, yeah, I know. Okay, like, I guess, um I guess I mean you raise a fair point but like come on I was a Spice Girl yeah that was a long time ago come on

wanted to come and there were 40 women there I was in Las Vegas having fun you were all the way you were over in the fucking watching the Royal Wedding you were over in Britain

I was in Las Vegas I wanted to come that would be me like Vegas. I wanted to come. That would be me. Like this. Like, I wanted to come. Ever seen me kick a soccer ball? I've got millions

and millions of dollars. And I don't love this. They carve statues not as good as me. Eat this. What? I want to eat my shit. Why? Because I've done everything else. I want to say new things. Put this in your eyes. What? Put this shit in your eyes. No.

You cook this and I ate it and I'm sitting in there. Put it in your eyes. I ate it and I'm sitting in there. Put it in your eyes. That's how I would be if I was David Beckham. So the fact that he is such a world – you know what? David Beckham is the best human being in the world. How about that? And his wife, the best spice girl.

You know? Because David Beckham isn't doing anything that's annoying as fuck you know these fucking motherfuckers out there doing shit because they think it's right David Beckham is just a shit dude you know what I'm saying it right now David Beckham is my best friend

I never met him and he doesn't even know who I am probably if you saw my comedy you'd be like, yeah, I don't really get it. I don't like him to be honest. He's not that good. He doesn't make me laugh. He doesn't make me laugh what he's saying. And his faces are stupid.

Don't you think about that, 40 girls? Don't you agree with me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we suck your dick? Sure. Let me bust in ya. We'll have a kid. Fuck it. I want to see it all. I want to have a kid with you and then eat it. Why? I've done everything else, you fucking idiot. I want you to labor for nine months. Have a kid so I can eat it. But that's so inhumane. Have you seen me kick a soccer ball?

But I don't want to. I'll get you tickets to the game. Get you right down on the field level. All right, come inside me. That's how I would be if I was David Beckham so props to David Beckham um all right uh I got we got an elder here we've got an elder yay it's AJ Burnett and the reason why he's an elder is because he started and runs that congratulations pod clips Instagram,

which is at congratulations underscore pod clips, the great clips and the good stuff from podcasts. And it can keep you kind of like, uh, you know, it takes out some of the good stuff. Thank you, AJ.

We'll DM you with the details on Instagram. And, we're not affiliated. I'm not affiliated with that page. The guy just puts post pictures that he posts videos that he wants to post. And they're all from the podcast. So thanks for doing that. And thanks for helping spread the word of the cult, man.

You're the man for that. AJ Burnett. I'm assuming it's a guy. AJ could be a girl's name. I don't know. Anyway, maybe I'm just sexist And it's a girl So thanks for that You're killing it you got like almost 10,000 followers now

I guess that's it man We talked about all the really important things David Beckham I yelled at my dogs And we definitely talked about Sacramento So that was. Okay, here's a Twitter question. Ruby O. Gilliland at Ruby Orozcog.

Been trying for over a year now to get my husband to listen to your podcast. I show him clips to get him into it. Now he's quoting things based on what I've shown him but hasn't checked out the podcast. Do I have the right to be annoyed about this? It depends on how much he's got going on. Like, does he have a lot of work to do? Does he fucking, you know, but yeah, you should listen to one or two. I would be annoyed. I'd be like, come on, we didn't fucking watch it. You know, we just listen to it, please. But you know, he's probably a good guy. I mean, just because somebody doesn't listen to my podcast doesn't mean they're fucking you know i look i like if he likes the clips i like that he likes the clips but that's a good question um i like

that you're asking that question from menifee california where the fuck that is all right we're out uh look uh square cash check out the new boost rewards program get the cash app enter rewards code congrats get five dollars and give five dollars to times up get it for ios or android now and also download my app the crystalia app in the app store just type in my name and you could see uh you could see uh this podcast when it goes like live like you could have seen the first 10 minutes 15 minutes of what we were doing today instead of waiting uh for when it drops uh the third leg of my tour is out right now. Go to chrysalia.com to buy tickets. They're all selling out, dude.

So get them now. And then maybe I'll add another show. Who knows? Maybe not. Depending on how big the place is. Next, I'm going to Red Bank, New Jersey and Wilmington, Delaware and Redding, Pennsylvania and Tulsa, Oklahoma and

Midwest City, Oklahoma and Dallas, Hampton Beach, Mashantucket, Wichita, Kansas. Anyway, subscribe to the YouTube channel, please. That's growing. I said that. Subscribe, rate and review the show. That really helps too if you go and rate and review the show for me. And if you do that, thank you. And let me just say this too. I really appreciate you guys, man, listening from week to week. To be totally real, I'm fucking around and joking

and figuring out what I'm saying every episode. I really, you know, I'm just like, I often say things I don't even mean, but I mean this, and I appreciate you listening, and it means a lot to me that you guys listen every week and share this fucking podcast, and I mean it, and that doesn't go unnoticed, even though I seem like I'm this guy who's like this, you know, doesn't have these feelings, but it really touches me that you listen to this all the time. And it's fucking awesome.

Now, enough with that pussy shit. You know what I'm talking about? Enough with that bitch ass shit. I'm talking about... Oh, man. I need to get a soundboard, dude. Oh, my God. where is it dude this is what i'm talking about dude

because then shit would my boys um so watch man on fire white male black comic uh uh incorrigible and uh that's that man thanks for listening dude you guys are great and dude just remember man stop with all the fucking shit and get with the fucking program Congratulations Congratulations Congratulations Motherfucking Father Motherfucking Father

Motherfucking Father